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1
00:00:01,624 --> 00:00:04,624
Let me introduce my self
My name's Don. Don Danbury.
2
00:00:06,064 --> 00:00:09,064
That's me, lying in bed.
Er, the one on the left,
3
00:00:09,823 --> 00:00:12,823
just in case you thought Don was
a woman's name, or that I sound female.
4
00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:17,223
Now, I have a habit for getting myself
into sticky situations sometimes.
5
00:00:18,623 --> 00:00:21,623
Like this - sleeping with my boss.
6
00:00:26,663 --> 00:00:28,704
Oi, thingy!
7
00:00:28,824 --> 00:00:30,343
Morning.
8
00:00:30,463 --> 00:00:33,382
This was a hideous mistake.
Get out of my sight now.
9
00:00:34,062 --> 00:00:37,062
I can't believe
I've finally lost my virginity.
10
00:00:37,702 --> 00:00:40,702
God, it's so beautiful!
11
00:00:43,902 --> 00:00:46,902
I've been taking pictures of you
all night.
12
00:00:49,422 --> 00:00:52,421
- Morning.
- That's it. Yes!
13
00:00:53,181 --> 00:00:55,939
You remind me of my brother.
14
00:00:56,102 --> 00:00:58,462
What's that smell?
15
00:00:58,582 --> 00:01:01,501
I think I've done some toilet.
16
00:01:02,621 --> 00:01:05,102
Now, because I consider all the options,
17
00:01:05,222 --> 00:01:08,141
I always make the right decision.
18
00:01:13,660 --> 00:01:16,660
Dear... Dot, dot, dot.
19
00:01:18,260 --> 00:01:21,260
Had to rush off. Sorry. Kiss.
20
00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:24,500
PS. The sex was good, well done.
21
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:26,621
Tick.
22
00:01:26,741 --> 00:01:28,221
Double tick.
23
00:01:28,341 --> 00:01:31,260
No, single tick.
24
00:01:59,338 --> 00:02:02,338
Things haven't been great lately.
Yesterday my nan passed away.
25
00:02:04,778 --> 00:02:07,536
It came as a real shock to all of us
here at Smith & Bitchman
26
00:02:07,699 --> 00:02:10,216
when we heard that
your grandmother had passed on.
27
00:02:10,379 --> 00:02:11,659
And so sodden.
28
00:02:11,779 --> 00:02:14,697
- Well, she was 96.
- Bot still very healthy.
29
00:02:14,937 --> 00:02:17,937
- She couldn't walk.
- Bot still, so acute in her mind.
30
00:02:18,857 --> 00:02:21,857
She was actually pretty mental.
31
00:02:22,657 --> 00:02:25,657
- Shall we move on to the will?
- Yes!
32
00:02:29,137 --> 00:02:32,055
"To Don, you are...
33
00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:34,018
"a dickhead.
34
00:02:34,138 --> 00:02:37,056
"Probably the biggest dickhead
I ever knew..."
35
00:02:37,656 --> 00:02:39,337
No, no, stop. Wait a minute.
36
00:02:39,457 --> 00:02:41,377
I think you've got the wrong will.
37
00:02:41,497 --> 00:02:44,134
- It says, "To Donald."
- Maybe she knew another Donald.
38
00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:47,216
"Bot you are
my one and only grandson,
39
00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:51,217
"so even though it pains me to write this,
40
00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:53,697
"I have no choice bot to leave
everything I have to you.
41
00:02:53,817 --> 00:02:56,735
"After the reading of this will,
the house is yours. And Donald,
42
00:02:59,495 --> 00:03:02,495
"please sort out your life
and stop being such a dickhead."
43
00:03:06,255 --> 00:03:09,255
Whoo-hoo!
I've got a massive, free house.
44
00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:13,815
I've got a massive, free house
I've got a massive, free house
45
00:03:16,015 --> 00:03:18,175
Doh doh, coh
Doh doh-doh, coh-coh
46
00:03:18,295 --> 00:03:19,975
Who's got a massive, free house?
47
00:03:20,095 --> 00:03:21,135
It's not free.
48
00:03:21,255 --> 00:03:22,295
What?
49
00:03:22,415 --> 00:03:25,334
Your grandmother was behind
on her mortgage payments.
50
00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:29,015
It's going to cost you
a lot of money to keep it.
51
00:03:29,135 --> 00:03:32,054
Uh-oh. No, Mr Bitchman, she left me
the house. It's a present. Present.
52
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:37,214
Technically, yes,
bot you still have to pay for it.
53
00:03:38,333 --> 00:03:39,534
What the...?
54
00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:41,574
Hang on. What am I worried about?
55
00:03:41,694 --> 00:03:44,014
I'll just sell it. I'll make a fortune.
56
00:03:44,134 --> 00:03:46,454
You can't even sell it,
you stupid dickhead.
57
00:03:46,574 --> 00:03:47,534
What?
58
00:03:47,654 --> 00:03:50,573
Oh, that's what it says in the will.
59
00:04:10,252 --> 00:04:12,253
What do you want?
60
00:04:12,373 --> 00:04:13,733
I'm moving in.
61
00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:15,213
Bot this is Mrs Danbury's house.
62
00:04:15,333 --> 00:04:17,813
Yeah, and I'm her grandson.
63
00:04:17,933 --> 00:04:20,569
Oh, the dickhead?
64
00:04:20,732 --> 00:04:23,651
Well, "nice" meeting you.
65
00:04:25,451 --> 00:04:28,451
I'm Mrs Treacher, I live next door.
66
00:04:28,771 --> 00:04:31,771
Oh, so you're moving in, are you?
67
00:04:32,091 --> 00:04:34,172
I'm trying to, yeah.
68
00:04:34,292 --> 00:04:37,211
Mm-hm?
69
00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:43,530
If you make any noise after 6pm,
I'll tear you a new arsehole.
70
00:04:46,690 --> 00:04:49,690
Oh! You most come round on Sunday,
meet my husband.
71
00:04:50,850 --> 00:04:52,691
I'll cook you a roast.
72
00:04:52,811 --> 00:04:55,688
A spit roast.
73
00:04:55,852 --> 00:04:57,731
You'll need this.
74
00:04:57,851 --> 00:05:00,770
We've got a bit of a gypsy problem
round here.
75
00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:05,169
Oh, it will be so nice to have
a strong young man living next door.
76
00:05:07,609 --> 00:05:10,609
I need a lot of help
getting on and off the toilet.
77
00:05:15,129 --> 00:05:18,129
Oh, dear.
Elsie wasn't very good with her money,
78
00:05:19,009 --> 00:05:22,008
always spending on those credit cards...
79
00:05:29,208 --> 00:05:32,208
Yes, indeed.
80
00:05:41,128 --> 00:05:44,045
So, my new home.
81
00:05:44,208 --> 00:05:46,528
What a result.
82
00:05:46,648 --> 00:05:49,567
Just need to decorate,
get myself a sexy wife.
83
00:05:50,047 --> 00:05:52,448
It could all be perfect.
84
00:05:52,568 --> 00:05:55,487
Oh, hello, darling.
85
00:05:57,287 --> 00:06:00,125
Aren't you going
to be late for work?
86
00:06:00,288 --> 00:06:01,648
No? Good. A muffin?
87
00:06:01,768 --> 00:06:03,527
Oh, I'd love a muffin, thanks.
88
00:06:03,647 --> 00:06:06,566
You really are a lovely wife, aren't you?
Come here.
89
00:06:10,846 --> 00:06:13,846
Feeling frisky?
90
00:06:18,206 --> 00:06:19,887
Come here.
91
00:06:20,007 --> 00:06:20,847
Zzzzzttt.
92
00:06:20,967 --> 00:06:23,207
Let's do it in our new home.
Oh, yeah!
93
00:06:23,327 --> 00:06:26,083
Screwing in my new home
94
00:06:26,246 --> 00:06:29,165
Screwing in my new home. Oh!
95
00:06:31,485 --> 00:06:32,726
What are you doing?
96
00:06:32,846 --> 00:06:34,006
Who the hell are you?
97
00:06:34,126 --> 00:06:36,606
I was about to ask you the same thing.
98
00:06:36,726 --> 00:06:38,566
This is Mrs Danbury's house.
99
00:06:38,686 --> 00:06:41,605
Yeah, I'm her grandson.
100
00:06:41,925 --> 00:06:44,723
- Oh, the dickhead!
- Dickhead, yes.
101
00:06:44,886 --> 00:06:47,125
I'm Eddie, your nana's carer.
102
00:06:47,245 --> 00:06:49,745
Obviously not a very good one.
103
00:06:50,684 --> 00:06:53,282
Pardon me?
104
00:06:53,445 --> 00:06:56,202
Because she's dead. So...
105
00:06:56,365 --> 00:06:58,405
Ah!
106
00:06:58,525 --> 00:06:59,765
You didn't know, did you?
107
00:06:59,885 --> 00:07:02,245
Sorry, yeah. She passed away.
108
00:07:02,365 --> 00:07:04,525
She's gone. It's over for her.
109
00:07:04,645 --> 00:07:06,284
Finished.
110
00:07:06,404 --> 00:07:08,644
Curtains. End credits.
111
00:07:08,764 --> 00:07:11,164
Hello? She's dead.
112
00:07:11,284 --> 00:07:12,444
Oh, God!
113
00:07:12,564 --> 00:07:15,321
Yeah, bot hey, look, silver lining.
114
00:07:15,484 --> 00:07:18,403
I've got a massive, free house.
115
00:07:18,883 --> 00:07:21,883
That's terrible news.
116
00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:25,124
- What are you doing?
- Come here.
117
00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:27,323
No, no, no. I don't know you.
118
00:07:27,443 --> 00:07:28,843
Don't fight it.
119
00:07:28,963 --> 00:07:30,923
Who is this weirdo?
120
00:07:31,043 --> 00:07:33,962
What makes him think it's OK
for men to cuddle like this?
121
00:07:34,242 --> 00:07:37,040
I'd better gently tell him
I'm not comfortable with it.
122
00:07:37,203 --> 00:07:40,122
Listen, if you ever do that again,
I'll kick you in the prick.
123
00:07:40,402 --> 00:07:43,402
- That's the grief talking.
- That wasn't the grief, that was me.
124
00:07:44,362 --> 00:07:47,362
Mmm. Cop of hot tea?
Always the antidote to bad news. Eh?
125
00:07:48,521 --> 00:07:51,521
What was your name again? I can't
keep calling you Dickhead, can I?
126
00:07:51,921 --> 00:07:54,402
- Don.
- Right. Tea, Don?
127
00:07:54,522 --> 00:07:57,359
And maybe a muffin?
I did hear you mention one of those.
128
00:07:57,522 --> 00:07:59,162
I can't, really. I'm late for work.
129
00:07:59,282 --> 00:08:02,201
I wasn't that concerned,
I was very popular in the office.
130
00:08:03,561 --> 00:08:04,802
Jesus, look who it is!
131
00:08:04,922 --> 00:08:06,682
God, I hoped he was off sick today.
132
00:08:06,802 --> 00:08:08,242
Don't mind if I do. Thanks.
133
00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:11,280
Hey.
134
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,720
You all right?
135
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:17,401
All right, Gordon?
136
00:08:17,521 --> 00:08:18,841
The boss wants to see you.
137
00:08:18,961 --> 00:08:20,361
Really?
138
00:08:20,481 --> 00:08:21,401
It's not good.
139
00:08:21,521 --> 00:08:24,440
Oh.
140
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,160
Come in.
141
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:33,199
- You wanted to see me?
- Come in, sit down.
142
00:08:34,279 --> 00:08:36,797
Now, one of the advantages
of sleeping with your boss
143
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,879
is you know you'll never get in trouble.
144
00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:43,119
- You're late again.
- Yeah, sorry, my nan just died.
145
00:08:43,479 --> 00:08:45,040
Right
146
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:46,840
No, it's the troth.
147
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,880
Look, I need to talk to you.
148
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,239
Basically, Don, I've had more complaints
about you
149
00:08:51,359 --> 00:08:53,079
than anyone I've ever employed.
150
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:56,118
Complaints? Like what?
151
00:08:57,398 --> 00:08:59,519
"Late every day.
152
00:08:59,639 --> 00:09:02,079
"Lazy. Fool mood in the mornings.
153
00:09:02,199 --> 00:09:04,916
"Easily distracted.
154
00:09:05,079 --> 00:09:07,359
"Late back from lunch every day.
155
00:09:07,479 --> 00:09:09,919
"Leaving work early every day.
156
00:09:10,039 --> 00:09:12,755
"Hung over, drunk, stoned.
157
00:09:12,918 --> 00:09:15,715
"Vomiting on the photocopier
158
00:09:15,878 --> 00:09:18,515
"and watching porn loudly
on your desktop computer."
159
00:09:18,678 --> 00:09:21,435
That's all rubbish.
160
00:09:21,598 --> 00:09:22,838
Well, I'm not easily distracted.
161
00:09:22,958 --> 00:09:25,877
- Listen, I can't...
- Oh, stapler. Shiny!
162
00:09:26,597 --> 00:09:27,998
- Don!
- What?!
163
00:09:28,118 --> 00:09:31,037
I can't have people finding out
we had sex the other night
164
00:09:31,597 --> 00:09:33,677
and thinking I'm favoring you.
165
00:09:33,797 --> 00:09:35,837
I only have one option.
166
00:09:35,957 --> 00:09:38,876
I'm sorry, Don, you're fired.
167
00:09:43,156 --> 00:09:44,357
No, you're fired.
168
00:09:44,477 --> 00:09:48,474
- No, you're fired.
- No, you're fired.
169
00:09:48,637 --> 00:09:50,717
- Get out.
- You get out.
170
00:09:50,837 --> 00:09:53,713
Fire me and the poppy gets it.
171
00:09:53,877 --> 00:09:55,516
Na-na-na-na.
172
00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:58,555
- Can't hear you. Wah-wah-wah!
- You're fired.
173
00:10:02,635 --> 00:10:05,635
Fired, eh?
174
00:10:10,475 --> 00:10:13,313
I don't believe it. She fired me.
175
00:10:13,476 --> 00:10:15,235
Oh, what a shame
176
00:10:15,355 --> 00:10:18,274
I think you should clear your desk
and leave immediately.
177
00:10:20,634 --> 00:10:23,634
Well, can I at least get
a letter of recommendation?
178
00:10:23,834 --> 00:10:26,832
Sore, how about I write it
on a Post-it note
179
00:10:26,996 --> 00:10:29,994
and stick it to your forehead?
180
00:10:30,634 --> 00:10:33,134
I'll get going.
181
00:10:33,275 --> 00:10:35,034
So I went home, unemployed,
182
00:10:35,154 --> 00:10:37,514
to find my nan's strange carer
still there...
183
00:10:37,634 --> 00:10:38,554
Here, let me.
184
00:10:38,674 --> 00:10:41,114
...talking to me like I was my nan.
185
00:10:41,234 --> 00:10:43,912
Lunch in five. Steak...
186
00:10:49,393 --> 00:10:51,754
...and Alphabetti Spaghetti.
187
00:10:51,874 --> 00:10:54,793
Roman or Hellenic? Oh!
188
00:10:55,073 --> 00:10:56,313
Or Japanese?
189
00:10:56,433 --> 00:10:58,833
I should have told him to get lost,
190
00:10:58,953 --> 00:11:01,872
but who can resist Alphabetti Spaghetti
in three languages?
191
00:11:03,752 --> 00:11:06,752
- A bit of everything?
- OK.
192
00:11:08,432 --> 00:11:10,513
So, how was work? You weren't gone long.
193
00:11:10,633 --> 00:11:13,552
Yeah. I just got fired.
Can you believe that?
194
00:11:13,912 --> 00:11:16,152
Oh, Don, I'm sorry.
195
00:11:16,272 --> 00:11:17,192
Get off.
196
00:11:17,312 --> 00:11:19,949
It's all right. To be honest,
I hated that job.
197
00:11:20,112 --> 00:11:23,031
Bot the thing is,
I have a big mortgage to pay now.
198
00:11:23,791 --> 00:11:26,791
- How am I gonna do that?
- You could take in a lodger.
199
00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:29,152
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
200
00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:32,191
I hate lodgers. Cos you never know
who you're going to get, do you?
201
00:11:32,471 --> 00:11:34,912
It could be some madman serial killer
202
00:11:35,032 --> 00:11:37,828
who rapes at weekends
just for the fun of it.
203
00:11:37,991 --> 00:11:40,910
Or even worse, constantly plays
the music of late-era Genesis.
204
00:11:42,270 --> 00:11:45,270
It's never just a sexy chick
who isn't needy.
205
00:11:46,150 --> 00:11:49,150
Well, you can't really pot that in
the rooms-to-rent section, now, can you?
206
00:11:52,150 --> 00:11:55,150
No.
207
00:11:57,310 --> 00:12:00,309
Er, I did specify I was looking
for a female to occupy the room.
208
00:12:02,829 --> 00:12:04,870
What are you talking about?
209
00:12:04,990 --> 00:12:06,670
I am female.
210
00:12:06,790 --> 00:12:09,290
Oh.
211
00:12:09,430 --> 00:12:11,030
Oops, sorry.
212
00:12:11,150 --> 00:12:14,069
Now, why don't you
show me the bedroom?
213
00:12:17,629 --> 00:12:19,749
Do you like role-play?
214
00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:22,788
Dungeons & Dragons is my favorite.
215
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,949
Great.
216
00:12:26,069 --> 00:12:27,549
Want some?
217
00:12:27,669 --> 00:12:29,389
I only want the flat for six months,
218
00:12:29,509 --> 00:12:31,549
until Jesus picks me up
in his spaceship.
219
00:12:31,669 --> 00:12:33,789
I'm not a pedophile, bot...
220
00:12:33,909 --> 00:12:36,069
Come on, out you go.
221
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:38,269
I was just gonna say...
222
00:12:38,389 --> 00:12:40,888
Freak.
223
00:12:44,987 --> 00:12:45,988
Yes?
224
00:12:46,108 --> 00:12:47,388
Don, it's Maggie.
225
00:12:47,508 --> 00:12:50,427
I heard about your nan.
Sorry I doubted you.
226
00:12:50,787 --> 00:12:53,787
Oh, I see. Ha-ha. And now
you want me to come back to work.
227
00:12:56,547 --> 00:12:57,588
No.
228
00:12:57,708 --> 00:12:59,268
Why are you calling me, then?
229
00:12:59,388 --> 00:13:02,304
I was hoping for a slow-motion replay
of the other night,
230
00:13:02,468 --> 00:13:03,907
if you know what I mean.
231
00:13:04,027 --> 00:13:06,946
Hang on, you fired me.
232
00:13:07,226 --> 00:13:08,467
So?
233
00:13:08,587 --> 00:13:09,987
So...
234
00:13:10,107 --> 00:13:12,387
Don, you were terrible at your job.
235
00:13:12,507 --> 00:13:15,104
Bot you're not so terrible in bed.
236
00:13:15,267 --> 00:13:16,867
I mean you're really quick,
237
00:13:16,987 --> 00:13:18,467
bot...good.
238
00:13:18,587 --> 00:13:20,987
Oh, thank you very much.
239
00:13:21,106 --> 00:13:23,783
So, how about it?
240
00:13:23,946 --> 00:13:25,426
Now, for years mankind has argued
241
00:13:25,546 --> 00:13:27,826
over the differences
between men and women.
242
00:13:27,946 --> 00:13:29,466
I tall comes down to sex.
243
00:13:29,586 --> 00:13:32,505
For example, if I was on a date
with a girl and sad to her...
244
00:13:32,705 --> 00:13:35,705
The thing is, I think you're a prick,
bot I'd love to have sex with you.
245
00:13:39,225 --> 00:13:40,586
What was that for?
246
00:13:40,706 --> 00:13:43,624
...she'd be offended.
But if a woman said to me...
247
00:13:44,104 --> 00:13:45,225
The thing is,
248
00:13:45,345 --> 00:13:48,182
I think you're a prick,
bot I'd love to have sex with you.
249
00:13:48,345 --> 00:13:49,465
...I'd be like...
250
00:13:49,585 --> 00:13:50,825
Great.
251
00:13:50,945 --> 00:13:52,985
It's as though insults are meaningless
252
00:13:53,105 --> 00:13:55,942
when the words "sex with you"
are in the same sentence.
253
00:13:56,105 --> 00:13:57,945
OK. When?
254
00:13:58,065 --> 00:13:59,305
Are you free tonight?
255
00:13:59,425 --> 00:14:00,145
Yes, I am.
256
00:14:00,265 --> 00:14:03,183
- OK.
- OK.
257
00:14:06,743 --> 00:14:08,344
What?
258
00:14:08,464 --> 00:14:11,383
No, I am not thinking with my dick.
259
00:14:12,063 --> 00:14:14,384
I'm actually thinking with my balls.
260
00:14:14,504 --> 00:14:15,864
And my balls are telling me,
261
00:14:15,984 --> 00:14:18,903
if I play this right,
I could win my job back.
262
00:14:21,423 --> 00:14:22,984
Clever balls.
263
00:14:23,104 --> 00:14:25,603
I thought I had it all sorted out...
264
00:14:26,142 --> 00:14:29,142
...and then this happened...
265
00:14:29,342 --> 00:14:32,342
Hi. I'm here about the room.
266
00:14:34,302 --> 00:14:36,303
Have I got the right address?
267
00:14:36,423 --> 00:14:39,342
Y-Yeah, yeah, come in.
268
00:14:40,222 --> 00:14:41,543
Enter chez Don.
269
00:14:41,663 --> 00:14:44,581
Thank you.
270
00:14:46,701 --> 00:14:48,782
Wow.
271
00:14:48,902 --> 00:14:50,862
This place is different.
272
00:14:50,982 --> 00:14:52,782
I mean, it's cool. I like it.
273
00:14:52,902 --> 00:14:54,982
Abby Jones?
274
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:56,702
Yeah.
275
00:14:56,822 --> 00:14:58,062
It's Don.
276
00:14:58,182 --> 00:15:00,582
Don?
277
00:15:00,702 --> 00:15:03,621
Don Danbury.
278
00:15:04,261 --> 00:15:06,021
No? Westbrook School.
279
00:15:06,141 --> 00:15:09,060
I was a couple of years above you.
280
00:15:09,540 --> 00:15:12,540
- Oh, my God. Don Danbury?
- Yes, yes.
281
00:15:13,860 --> 00:15:16,021
You used to wear that bandanna
all the time.
282
00:15:16,141 --> 00:15:19,060
Yes, that was me. Yeah.
283
00:15:19,620 --> 00:15:22,120
I remember you now. You were funny.
284
00:15:22,261 --> 00:15:23,301
Was I?
285
00:15:23,421 --> 00:15:25,181
I thought you were.
286
00:15:25,301 --> 00:15:26,620
Thanks.
287
00:15:26,740 --> 00:15:29,659
And look at you. Wow, you've...
288
00:15:30,019 --> 00:15:31,820
...turned into...a woman.
289
00:15:31,940 --> 00:15:34,797
Well, it would have been a bit weird
if I'd turned into a man.
290
00:15:34,961 --> 00:15:37,537
Yeah...
291
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:39,500
Small world, eh?
292
00:15:39,620 --> 00:15:42,377
Yes, yes.
293
00:15:42,540 --> 00:15:44,260
So what happened to you?
294
00:15:44,380 --> 00:15:46,460
You just kind of vanished.
295
00:15:46,580 --> 00:15:49,416
- We all moved back to Manchester.
- Oh.
296
00:15:49,579 --> 00:15:52,498
- You know, I thought about you a lot.
- Really?
297
00:15:52,818 --> 00:15:55,816
Well, once or twice.
298
00:15:55,980 --> 00:15:58,656
Once or twice a week, to be precise.
299
00:15:58,819 --> 00:16:00,699
I had a massive crush on Abby Jones.
300
00:16:00,819 --> 00:16:01,979
She never knew.
301
00:16:02,099 --> 00:16:04,956
I mean, I was a spotty teenager
who wore a bandanna.
302
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,539
I never had the courage to ask her out.
303
00:16:06,659 --> 00:16:09,175
So...are you married now?
304
00:16:09,338 --> 00:16:11,338
- Married? God, no.
- Good.
305
00:16:11,458 --> 00:16:12,818
You?
306
00:16:12,938 --> 00:16:15,098
No, no, no.
307
00:16:15,218 --> 00:16:18,137
- Kids?
- Not that I know of.
308
00:16:21,857 --> 00:16:23,378
You got any brats?
309
00:16:23,498 --> 00:16:24,418
Well, I'm a teacher at the minute.
310
00:16:24,538 --> 00:16:26,858
I'm not quite ready
for any children of my own just yet.
311
00:16:26,978 --> 00:16:29,814
Perfect.
312
00:16:29,977 --> 00:16:31,457
Actually,
how do you know about this place?
313
00:16:31,577 --> 00:16:33,177
A friend of a friend
mentioned it to me.
314
00:16:33,297 --> 00:16:34,577
Good.
315
00:16:34,697 --> 00:16:37,616
- So?
- So?
316
00:16:40,656 --> 00:16:43,656
This time I'm never letting you go.
317
00:16:45,096 --> 00:16:48,074
First of all, you move in,
then we can talk wedding.
318
00:16:48,238 --> 00:16:49,896
Then we should chat kids.
319
00:16:50,016 --> 00:16:52,935
I mean, personally, I don't want any,
bot I don't believe in sheaths,
320
00:16:53,335 --> 00:16:55,816
so we will have to discuss it
at some point!
321
00:16:55,936 --> 00:16:58,855
You know, whenever I pleasure myself,
it's you I fantasise about.
322
00:16:59,815 --> 00:17:01,576
That's really creepy.
323
00:17:01,696 --> 00:17:03,976
I was 1 4 when you last saw me.
324
00:17:04,096 --> 00:17:07,015
Yeah, well, I'm 1 6 in the fantasy,
so that's OK, right?
325
00:17:07,575 --> 00:17:10,574
I'm so in love with you
326
00:17:10,854 --> 00:17:13,854
Oooo-eeee-oooo.
327
00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:21,254
So, as you can see,
I went for the granny-chic look.
328
00:17:22,254 --> 00:17:25,252
- Oh! Mmm.
- Yeah.
329
00:17:25,416 --> 00:17:28,414
Yeah, it's for doing exercises
whilst you bath.
330
00:17:30,294 --> 00:17:33,293
They call it...bathercising.
331
00:17:34,613 --> 00:17:37,613
It's great... it means you don't have
to have a bath after a workout.
332
00:17:40,173 --> 00:17:43,173
So...when do you want to move in?
333
00:17:43,733 --> 00:17:46,733
- Just like that?
- Well, why not?
334
00:17:47,653 --> 00:17:50,653
I am fairly desperate
to find somewhere.
335
00:17:50,893 --> 00:17:52,533
Could I move in tonight?
336
00:17:52,653 --> 00:17:55,290
Yes, you can... Oh, no, you can't.
337
00:17:55,453 --> 00:17:57,373
How about tomorrow afternoon?
338
00:17:57,493 --> 00:18:00,530
Deal.
339
00:18:00,693 --> 00:18:02,253
This was perfect.
340
00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:05,292
My ideal woman moving in with me.
341
00:18:05,772 --> 00:18:07,253
And I know what you're thinking.
342
00:18:07,373 --> 00:18:10,292
How can I go ahead and see my ex-boss
the night before Abby moves in?
343
00:18:10,892 --> 00:18:13,891
Well, this is about getting
my job back. It's not about sex.
344
00:18:16,051 --> 00:18:18,850
- So, can I have my job back?
- No.
345
00:18:22,251 --> 00:18:24,572
How about now?
Can I have my job back now?
346
00:18:24,692 --> 00:18:27,611
No, no.
347
00:18:29,091 --> 00:18:30,972
How about now?
Things are different now.
348
00:18:31,092 --> 00:18:34,010
No, you're fired. Uh! I fired you.
349
00:18:34,450 --> 00:18:35,651
Arrr...
350
00:18:35,771 --> 00:18:36,971
How about now?
351
00:18:37,091 --> 00:18:38,131
No.
352
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:39,331
What about now?
353
00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:40,411
No.
354
00:18:40,531 --> 00:18:41,931
- Now?
- No.
355
00:18:42,051 --> 00:18:44,848
- How about now?
- Definitely not.
356
00:18:45,011 --> 00:18:47,131
- Give me my job back.
- No.
357
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:49,768
- Give it to me?
- No.
358
00:18:49,931 --> 00:18:52,850
Can...I...have...it...back?
359
00:18:53,890 --> 00:18:55,970
Yes!
360
00:18:56,090 --> 00:18:58,590
Oooh!
361
00:19:02,329 --> 00:19:04,090
So, shall I start Monday morning?
362
00:19:04,210 --> 00:19:05,890
Start what?
363
00:19:06,010 --> 00:19:08,929
My job. You just said
I could have it back.
364
00:19:09,209 --> 00:19:10,650
Wrong.
365
00:19:10,770 --> 00:19:13,689
No, no, just then. I said,
"Can I have it back?" and you said, "Yes."
366
00:19:14,329 --> 00:19:16,329
I was coming.
367
00:19:16,449 --> 00:19:17,409
Oh, come off it!
368
00:19:17,529 --> 00:19:19,649
I don't make women come.
369
00:19:19,769 --> 00:19:21,609
Wrong again.
370
00:19:21,729 --> 00:19:24,648
You'll never get your job back,
you idiot.
371
00:19:25,848 --> 00:19:28,848
You sexy idiot.
372
00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:36,128
Oh, bollocks.
373
00:19:52,887 --> 00:19:55,887
Shit!
374
00:20:07,166 --> 00:20:08,367
What's going on?
375
00:20:08,487 --> 00:20:10,167
- Shut up.
- What?
376
00:20:10,287 --> 00:20:12,527
I mean...
377
00:20:12,647 --> 00:20:15,566
Sssh, there, go back to sleep. Sssh.
378
00:20:18,765 --> 00:20:21,765
Oh, I'm just going downstairs,
bot stay there, don't move.
379
00:20:22,285 --> 00:20:25,285
Sssh. Ooh, sleepy. Stay.
380
00:20:31,285 --> 00:20:34,285
I'm coming, I'm coming.
381
00:20:36,765 --> 00:20:39,603
Ooh...
382
00:20:47,964 --> 00:20:49,645
- Hey.
- Hey.
383
00:20:49,765 --> 00:20:52,205
Haven't got you out of bed, have I?
384
00:20:52,325 --> 00:20:55,244
No. No, don't be silly. No, I've been
up since seven doing some...tapestry.
385
00:20:56,644 --> 00:20:59,085
Oh. Here.
386
00:20:59,205 --> 00:21:01,524
Hey, listen, why don't we do this later?
387
00:21:01,644 --> 00:21:04,563
I know a nice little cafe down the road.
We could have a spot of brunch.
388
00:21:05,523 --> 00:21:08,023
Sounds great, bot I've got tons of stuff,
389
00:21:08,164 --> 00:21:11,061
so I'd rather get this done first.
390
00:21:11,225 --> 00:21:14,203
Ah, who'd have thought, eh?
You and me living together?
391
00:21:14,483 --> 00:21:16,524
It's great.
392
00:21:16,644 --> 00:21:19,563
You know, I'm really glad
we've met each other again like this.
393
00:21:20,962 --> 00:21:23,920
Yeah. Me, too.
394
00:21:24,084 --> 00:21:26,323
I'm gonna go to the car
and get some more stuff.
395
00:21:26,443 --> 00:21:29,362
OK.
396
00:21:37,842 --> 00:21:39,563
Who was that at the door?
397
00:21:39,683 --> 00:21:42,601
Oh, er, wrong number.
What are you doing?
398
00:21:43,121 --> 00:21:44,922
Seeing as you're too rode to offer,
399
00:21:45,042 --> 00:21:47,839
I thought I'd go
and make myself a cop of tea.
400
00:21:48,002 --> 00:21:50,322
No need, om...
made you one.
401
00:21:50,442 --> 00:21:52,242
- Brought it up, look.
- Really?
402
00:21:52,362 --> 00:21:55,281
Yeah.
403
00:21:56,841 --> 00:21:59,841
Just pop it there for you.
Anyway, what are you doing up?
404
00:22:00,601 --> 00:22:03,558
You should have a lie-in,
it's the weekend.
405
00:22:03,722 --> 00:22:05,441
It's almost lunchtime.
406
00:22:05,561 --> 00:22:08,480
Well, doesn't mean you can't lie in,
does it? You know...
407
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,238
I'll be back in a minute. Stay.
408
00:22:13,401 --> 00:22:16,320
Stay.
409
00:22:26,399 --> 00:22:29,399
Excuse me,
what are you doing in my house?
410
00:22:30,719 --> 00:22:33,719
Don, this is Karl, my boyfriend.
411
00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:36,120
Boyfriend? You n...
412
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:39,159
You most be this...Don character, then.
413
00:22:39,799 --> 00:22:42,437
This is...yoor...?
414
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,518
I'm Karl with a K, not a C.
415
00:22:50,878 --> 00:22:52,999
Here's a little moving-in gift.
416
00:22:53,119 --> 00:22:55,619
Oh!
417
00:22:56,678 --> 00:22:58,719
Do you play golf?
418
00:22:58,839 --> 00:23:01,758
Eh?
419
00:23:03,558 --> 00:23:06,557
I'm Karl, with a K, not a C.
420
00:23:12,157 --> 00:23:13,558
Sleep.
421
00:23:13,678 --> 00:23:16,597
When you awake...you'll kill yourself.
422
00:23:17,037 --> 00:23:20,037
Wake.
423
00:23:23,077 --> 00:23:25,714
- Don? Don!
- Yes?
424
00:23:25,877 --> 00:23:28,077
You don't mind showing Karl
where to pot my stuff, do you?
425
00:23:28,197 --> 00:23:29,157
Of course.
426
00:23:29,277 --> 00:23:31,777
Thank you.
427
00:23:33,356 --> 00:23:36,356
Kitchen...?
428
00:23:40,436 --> 00:23:42,837
So...you and Abby, then?
429
00:23:42,957 --> 00:23:45,077
Yeah.
430
00:23:45,197 --> 00:23:48,033
- Serious, is it?
- Pretty serious, yeah.
431
00:23:48,196 --> 00:23:49,236
Mmm...
432
00:23:49,356 --> 00:23:51,596
So, what do you do, Don?
433
00:23:51,716 --> 00:23:53,156
I'm unemployed.
434
00:23:53,276 --> 00:23:55,776
Yeah, right
435
00:23:55,916 --> 00:23:57,876
And what is it you do?
436
00:23:57,996 --> 00:23:59,116
Property developer.
437
00:23:59,236 --> 00:24:00,876
We specialize in homes abroad.
438
00:24:00,996 --> 00:24:03,915
Yeah, I actually work for a living.
439
00:24:05,915 --> 00:24:08,914
You really landed on your feet there
with Abby, didn't you?
440
00:24:09,554 --> 00:24:12,113
Well, I think she's pretty lucky, too.
441
00:24:14,274 --> 00:24:15,755
You're kidding, right?
442
00:24:15,875 --> 00:24:17,835
What's that supposed to mean?
443
00:24:17,955 --> 00:24:20,852
She's a ten, clearly.
444
00:24:21,016 --> 00:24:23,994
Whereas you're just a...
I don't know...two?
445
00:24:25,114 --> 00:24:28,113
And I'm being polite,
actually, and adding two.
446
00:24:28,473 --> 00:24:30,914
What's going on?
447
00:24:31,034 --> 00:24:32,794
we're just shooting the breeze,
448
00:24:32,914 --> 00:24:35,833
...telling him how lucky he is to have you.
- Shut up!
449
00:24:39,433 --> 00:24:41,951
Don?
450
00:24:42,114 --> 00:24:44,074
Don!
451
00:24:44,194 --> 00:24:45,754
What was that?
452
00:24:45,874 --> 00:24:48,792
- Huh? I didn't hear anything.
- Don!
453
00:24:49,072 --> 00:24:51,572
Just then -
a woman was shooting your name.
454
00:24:51,713 --> 00:24:53,433
- Don!
- Oh, that?
455
00:24:53,553 --> 00:24:56,472
- Don!
- Yes, that is just a woman...
456
00:24:56,752 --> 00:24:58,793
I know...platonically.
Don!
457
00:24:58,913 --> 00:25:01,630
You've locked me in your bedroom,
let me out!
458
00:25:01,793 --> 00:25:03,513
You've locked her in your bedroom?
459
00:25:03,633 --> 00:25:04,953
Why would you lock
a woman in your bedroom?
460
00:25:05,073 --> 00:25:06,873
For a laugh.
461
00:25:06,993 --> 00:25:09,193
This isn't funny, Don.
462
00:25:09,313 --> 00:25:10,392
OK, look,
463
00:25:10,512 --> 00:25:13,109
I'll be honest.
I just didn't want you to meet her.
464
00:25:13,272 --> 00:25:16,191
- Why not?
- Yes, Don, why not?
465
00:25:16,391 --> 00:25:19,391
Because...I don't know. I thought
you were gonna move in today
466
00:25:20,351 --> 00:25:23,351
and tonight, I'd cook us,
well, order in a meal,
467
00:25:24,191 --> 00:25:26,829
and we'd get to know each other,
fall in love
468
00:25:26,992 --> 00:25:29,829
and then I'd nail your sweet little ass...
469
00:25:29,992 --> 00:25:32,151
all night long.
470
00:25:32,271 --> 00:25:33,431
Ooh!
471
00:25:33,551 --> 00:25:36,428
Ah! Ooh!
472
00:25:36,592 --> 00:25:39,550
Bot then you ruined everything
by bringing Cock-face with you!
473
00:25:39,830 --> 00:25:42,830
I mean, I could have been honest,
but the truth never helps anyone'
474
00:25:43,150 --> 00:25:45,311
so I came up with a foolproof-cover.
475
00:25:45,431 --> 00:25:48,350
Because...she's my...Spanish cleaner.
Yeah, yeah.
476
00:25:50,510 --> 00:25:53,509
She's been slacking recently
and I locked her in and said,
477
00:25:54,509 --> 00:25:57,187
"You're not coming out
until it is spotless."
478
00:25:57,350 --> 00:25:59,790
Don!
479
00:25:59,910 --> 00:26:02,507
Oh.
480
00:26:02,670 --> 00:26:05,589
I mean, I pay her a fortune
and she does nothing.
481
00:26:05,829 --> 00:26:08,829
She never cleans or dust's or...
482
00:26:10,589 --> 00:26:11,990
What's going on, Don?
483
00:26:12,110 --> 00:26:14,906
Ah, Rosa. Hola!
484
00:26:15,069 --> 00:26:16,469
Look, it's Rosa.
485
00:26:16,589 --> 00:26:18,069
What the hell are you playing at,
locking me in your room?
486
00:26:18,189 --> 00:26:20,986
He said you'd not been
cleaning his house properly.
487
00:26:21,149 --> 00:26:23,509
What?
488
00:26:23,629 --> 00:26:24,629
Very funny, thingy.
489
00:26:24,749 --> 00:26:26,509
I've been sleeping with this prick,
can you believe that?
490
00:26:26,629 --> 00:26:29,548
- Yeah, bot we're not a couple.
- Oh, thank God!
491
00:26:30,468 --> 00:26:33,385
I've been trying to convince her to give
me my job back through the medium of sex.
492
00:26:33,548 --> 00:26:36,305
You'd stand a better chance
if you could go a bit longer.
493
00:26:36,468 --> 00:26:37,868
Whoa, shush your mouth!
494
00:26:37,988 --> 00:26:40,907
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
She's nuts in the mind.
495
00:26:41,387 --> 00:26:44,387
You are such a dickhead.
496
00:26:50,187 --> 00:26:51,188
- Don.
- Yeah?
497
00:26:51,308 --> 00:26:54,226
You don't have to lie to me
about seeing someone.
498
00:26:55,026 --> 00:26:58,026
I really don't mind what you get up to
and, besides,
499
00:26:58,226 --> 00:27:01,226
I've got Karl to keep me company.
500
00:27:01,426 --> 00:27:02,987
Right.
501
00:27:03,107 --> 00:27:04,387
Great.
502
00:27:04,507 --> 00:27:06,827
OK, come on.
Let's get the stuff out the car.
503
00:27:06,947 --> 00:27:09,866
Yeah. So he's been having intercourse
with his cleaner?
504
00:27:13,586 --> 00:27:15,346
They seem nice.
505
00:27:15,466 --> 00:27:18,223
God! How long have you been here?
506
00:27:18,386 --> 00:27:19,786
Oh, er...since before you got up.
507
00:27:19,906 --> 00:27:21,866
So, you're getting a flatmate, then.
508
00:27:21,986 --> 00:27:23,586
Things are looking good.
509
00:27:23,706 --> 00:27:26,625
Well, that depends on
your definition of good.
510
00:27:27,425 --> 00:27:30,425
If it's losing any chance
of getting your job back
511
00:27:30,825 --> 00:27:33,325
or re-meeting the woman of your dreams
512
00:27:33,466 --> 00:27:36,062
only to find out she's got a boyfriend,
513
00:27:36,225 --> 00:27:38,942
then yes, yes, things are looking good.
514
00:27:39,105 --> 00:27:42,024
Well, look at it this way.
It can't get any worse.
515
00:27:42,264 --> 00:27:45,264
Yeah, I suppose so.
516
00:27:48,824 --> 00:27:50,303
Pervert!
517
00:27:50,353 --> 00:27:54,903
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