Original subtitles

Welcome back, Glendale High.

This is Spirit Week, students.

Our theme, Armageddon Off This Rollercoaster.

Monday, wear your Hornet yellow.

Tuesday is the Annual Toy Drive.

Wednesday will be Karaoke Lunch.

I'll be singing the radio edit of "N-words in Paris."

On Thursday, we're gonna repent

for all the terrible things that we've done.

And Friday, Pajama Day!

Hmm?

Does anybody have any Neosporin?

You lost your shit, hoss.

Sweat brigade, take out the trash! Now!

Now, now.

What's the rule?

No yelling.

Use spirit fingers.

Let me see you shine.

Our lives have gotten out of control.

I'm here to get us back to normal.

We're going back to the code of conduct.

Be safe,

be respectful,

and be... positive!

Turbo here has broken the code,

and that is grounds for expulsion.

School's now back in session.

Here we go.

Epic conclusion time.

I'm gonna save Sam.

We'll move some place real nice, like Montrose.

Get a two-bed, two-bath Craftsman

with a chef's kitchen.

And a moat.

That's right. A fucking moat!

- You're a slut, Samaira. - Josh!

Hey, look, I'm really sorry

about not mentioning all that break-up stuff when we met.

But I didn't know you.

I really hope she takes me back.

I don't know why she would. I was awful to her.

I mean, awful. But my dad just died and...

Uh...

I don't want to talk about that.

I mean it.

You okay there, kiddo?

Yeah, Dad.

You put me in a flashback.

Fuck you.

Here.

I want to show you something.

Here.

That's me.

That's your grandpa,

and CW, it's Charles Wheeler.

That's your great-grandpa, who built this blind in 1955.

Our family has been coming every summer since.

My dad taught me to hunt and track.

And now,

it's your turn.

Yeah.

All right.

Oh...

What's... What's all this for?

Because...

All right.

Boring!

Is this the part when the Canadian incest hillbillies attack?

'Cause this flashback is getting ultra-snoozy.

Eli! How did you get in here?

You can't keep me out of shit!

The hell I can't!

Come here! Come on! Let's do this!

I come in Reese's Pieces. Okay?

Like, during my banishment, I scoped the high school. Okay?

Turbo is over. Baron Triumph pulled a true d'état.

He has your lady.

No, you're messing with me.

Look, do you see me sporting a nose boner?

I can't lie. Look, I'm verified.

You just want me to leave, so you can come back in the mall.

Josh, Josh, Josh! Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh!

Look, I don't... I don't want to come back. Okay?

I want it all back.

I want to be the king of everything.

Other kids live here now. You can't just kick 'em out.

You didn't blink when you booted me.

And Angelica and Wesley.

They were trying to help you out, and you pushed them out of here

faster than my bulimic cousin, Nina, yacks froyo at Souplantation.

Cold.

Mavis wants everyone to stay here.

All of us. She told me so.

I'm done sharing my toys.

You can stay and defend these stragglers from my mad genius,

or you can go back and save Sam from Triumph,

but you can't do both.

Ooh, and you don't want your girl to end up like Turbo.

You okay, Principal Burr?

Yeah. Never better.

Sam Dean and Barry Kirkwood,

meet me in Mademoiselle Woodworth's class.

And, Matt Rosen, I found your underwear...

in my desk.

Still wearing your uniform, Barry.

It's the only outfit I've ever had.

You shaved.

I'm grateful, Sam,

for this second chance that you've given me.

We let you out. But now, I don't know.

A tie isn't gonna make us forget about Baron Triumph.

And I'm drinking these protein shakes now,

so no more pesky urges.

It's not just your previous diet that raises eyebrows.

It's the fact you're the only adult left who can say more than one sentence.

I tried to save other people when that bomb went off.

- No one could hear me. - Yeah.

The explosion was so loud, it was days before my ears worked again.

They don't make schools like this anymore.

Solid.

Sure, the lead paint caused some brain damage.

And the asbestos, well,

the term "cancer cluster" does come to mind.

But this school has survived earthquakes, brush fires,

and now, biochemical nuclear war.

This fallout shelter saved my life.

I spent months down here

with only some old programs from school plays for entertainment.

In the 1986 production of Grease,

Gabe Cardanus played Danny Zuko,

and thanked his mom for letting him use her hair mousse.

In 1992,

Michelle Colt played Ariel in The Tempest,

and thanked her aunt for being the wind beneath her wings.

When I won the El Caballerro Junior Invitational,

I thanked my second stepmom.

Kids need an adult to guide them.

Okay, fine, but you need to earn our trust.

I want to, but it will take both of us, Sam.

Your influence and my initiative to change hearts and minds.

What am I supposed to do?

I know how I survived,

but we don't know how you kids did.

Sam, what if we could find out why... together?

Would be significant.

Tomorrow, gather together all the smartest kids in school for a study group.

And... And me?

Let's talk about what happened to the golf team.

And grieving.

Come on, buddy.

I'll make you a smoothie.

Huh, yeah. That sounds scrumptious.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I'd like that.

We should have a name.

We're not a tribe.

We don't have anything in common.

Not like the Disciples of Kardashia.

Or the Model U-End.

- They have a sweet tag. - We can have a great tag.

- What can we call ourselves? - Laser Patrol.

The Hollywood Foreign Press.

Yeah!

- The Stragglers. - The Rejects!

The Dregs.

- Yeah! - Ah!

We are not dregs, or rejects, or stragglers.

We're a tribe because we all lived to see the break of a new day.

We're Daybreakers.

You suck at hiding, Josh.

I'm protecting you from Eli!

I can handle myself.

KJ is a badass.

But Eli is badder and asser.

These guys don't stand a chance.

How am I gonna help them and Sam?

You have to understand your prey.

You have to understand your prey.

Elk are solitary, especially the boys.

Huntin' elk is all about disguise.

Gotta make 'em believe you're part of their herd.

Dad, we've come here every summer since I was a kid.

I've never seen an elk.

Your grandpa and I once caught a six-point.

You all right?

Mom's got a job in Los Angeles.

She wants to move.

I know.

Why wouldn't you say something?

Wasn't my place.

I do not want to go to LA.

Did you tell your mom?

Yeah, she said it's a good opportunity.

I guess it is.

Oh, so you're okay if I leave?

That's not what I said.

- Well, then, tell her not to go. - I can't.

Of course you can!

- It's not that simple. - Why not?

You wouldn't understand.

- Yeah. Because I'm a kid? - No.

- What, did you cheat on her? - No.

Did she cheat on you?

No.

We'll...

We'll FaceTime and text, and, uh...

And I'll come down to visit, and you can take me to the beach.

And Disney.

And we'll always have our summer hunting trip.

Like Grandpa and Great Grandpa Charles.

Dad, I checked.

There are no elk.

Their migration patterns changed because of global warming or something.

This is all just a stupid waste of time.

You have to understand your prey.

It's all about disguise.

Go for Eli.

I want your Baron Triumph costume. I need it to disguise myself,

so I can get into the school and get Sam.

You know, favors are like giving head.

Either I have to really like you to do it,

or I expect something back in return.

Look, if you give me the Triumph costume, I'll never come back.

If you promise not to hurt those kids and you'll let them stay.

No.

What if I give you the one thing that you want the most?

The one thing that you can't get here?

Your Magic: The Gathering cards.

How do you know about those?

My dad said hunting is about understanding your prey.

Well, I know Eli Cardashyan.

Remember this?

So, I am the definition of cultural appropriation.

You remember this scene, and you remember Eli was here.

But what you didn't realize is Eli was talking about his Magic cards.

My deck is iconic!

I got a Mahamoti Djinn, a Lord of Unreal,

and my Time Vault is worth mad ducats.

Bull! If they're so valuable, why would you ever keep them here?

My mom would toss them if she found them.

They're safer in school.

I booby-trapped my locker.

You see how much he loves those cards?

I can use them as leverage to keep KJ and the other mall kids safe.

Yo! You can't weaponize flashbacks!

That's emotional profiling!

This is just a memory of Eli. You're not allowed to do this.

Says who?

It's my story.

Well, not anymore, bro.

I'm jacking your narration,

and I'm showing everyone just how awful you are.

Eli break.

You see what I'm talking about?

Josh treats his friends like garbage people!

Major douche!

Josh macks with a sidepiece while he's still in love with Sam!

Cheater!

Uh... I'm sorry. I...

I just... I don't want a pity peck for our first kiss.

You know?

Bullshit!

That's right! He called bullshit!

Josh isn't a superhero! He just wants his dick wet.

Pan down. Sporting a mad wood.

- Boner! - No... Wait...

Teenie peenie!

You're so dead! So dead!

You're so dead!

Josh is an asshole! Do you hear me?

I'm telling everyone the truth! The truth will set you free!

Josh is an asshole!

Oh, goddamn! What's up, ladies?

Y'all lookin' hella fine. I'm Eli. Eli Cardashyan. No relation.

- Hey! - Oh, shit!

Hey, you fucking twats weren't even here for this!

Get back here! You're dead!

Eli! You can't hide!

Eli! Eli Cardashyan!

Mom!

Wait, we're in your flashback?

What're you saying?

I just wanted Magic cards.

She wouldn't let you get them?

My mom was an immigrant.

She and my dad struggled to make sure we had food.

Shit like Magic cards, and fresh kicks,

and all the toys I wanted were avelord.

Unnecessary.

I'm sorry.

It was just one pack.

If you give me the Triumph costume,

- I will get you your cards. - No, no, no!

You just want them for yourself!

- Why would I want your cards? - They're dope!

I'm just getting them, so the other mall kids can stay here.

- I don't believe you! - Why would I lie?

Reverse psychology!

I'm putting my own life in danger!

Oh, so you're calling me a coward, huh?

No!

Oh, you can't fool me, Josh Wheeler.

We're both going to the school tomorrow to get my cards.

These kids can stay,

but you are never coming back.

Sorry I'm late. My mixer broke and I...

Is this it?

This is who's gonna solve the mystery of why you're alive?

What happened to Harper Fung?

- Or Scooter Kauffman? - You ate them.

- What's that? - You ate them.

Well, I didn't eat Terrence Markazian.

He got monched on by Ghoulies.

What about that Angelica Green?

I heard she's a Cheermazon now.

Isis Goodman?

She melted like coked-out Whitney Houston's Jheri curl.

- I thought only adults disintegrated. - There were kids too.

Helvetica Samuelson, Mannie Romero.

Hermione and Luna Chapman.

I will never forget the stench of that muddy puddle

wearing Lee Dinswell's Birkenstocks.

Stinks worse than vag.

Um...

Did I just hear some dumb-ass shit?

'Cause what? Your balls are a bouquet of roses?

Uh, ball sweat has pheromones.

My musk propagates the species

whereas vagina tastes like landlocked sushi.

Okay! I call bullshit.

I'm putting an end to this whole "pussy stink" myth right now!

My minge is a whole ecosystem!

It has more sweat glands and bacteria than a Costa Rican rain forest.

So, yeah. I do an hour of kettlebells and deadlifts,

you'd better fuckin' believe my whisker biscuit's gonna be

all buttered!

So does it smell dank or does it smell like victory?

- The second one. - That's what the fuck I thought!

Why do you have to use words like pussy,

and vag, and minge? What's wrong with you kids?

This is the way we talk.

That language is not in the code of conduct.

Remember Hornets: Be...

Positive.

Come on, dude. Let's go!

Time to get your thumb out of your ass!

What is it?

Tag for Daybreakers.

It's a sunrise.

Hey!

See you later?

Right.

Here we go.

The epic conclusion, for real this time!

I'm gonna save Sam, move to Montrose,

get a house, the end!

That is, if this works.

It'll work. I'm a master of disguise.

I learned everything I know from my Magic cards.

Playing Magic: The Gathering isn't gonna make you a real life wizard.

Well, it's better than Pokémon!

Pokémon is a multimedia empire!

Yeah! For children!

Whatever. I bet I could beat you.

Game on!

We don't have any cards!

Well, mental Pokémon. Like mental chess.

Pokémon isn't like chess.

You're gonna cheat and play a Shadow Lugia.

Please! Jumbo cards are banned!

- All right. - Who goes first?

- Pick a number between one and ten. - Seven.

Yeah, that was it.

You go first.

Charizard is my active, Venusaur and Entei on my bench.

Well, Gastly's my boy! Wurmple's benched.

Attaching one Dark Energy to Charizard.

One Psychic Energy to Gastly!

Oh, you're attacking me now?

Rare Candy evolving into Beautifly!

Well, I'm gonna evolve into Mega Charizard EX...

and my Entei can help.

No way!

- Attaching Fire Energy. - Dude!

A hundred and twenty damage!

See you, Beautifly!

You forgot about Miraculous Scales!

Stops all damage from a Pokémon EX!

Beautifly lives.

Respect the Whirlwind.

Nice moves.

Come on. Let's go.

Got your Insta story.

Thanks for coming.

Can you help?

Well, my real expertise is computer programming and seeding chaos.

But I brought someone else.

"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV."

Ugh...

So I'm glad you finally found a home.

Well, honestly,

I thought you, me, and Josh were pretty good together.

Some things just aren't meant to be.

Do you want to go back?

When I was five,

I went to 7-Eleven with my cool Uncle Jack.

He said I could get anything.

I wanted a Fanta.

Grape or orange?

Strawberry.

Respect.

Cool Uncle Jack didn't think so.

He said, "Don't be drinking none of that faggot shit!"

You must hate me.

I'm not the most sensitive.

I'm really sorry.

It's different...

being black.

And it's different being gay.

And it's different, different being black and gay!

That's why I found kung fu.

It is so straight,

and so queer!

It's martial arts and dance!

So, you can be down with Wu-Tang...

and silk pajamas!

The best way to kill two birds with one stone

is to be a great, big stone.

I've always been a club of one.

Is that why you wanna save Turbo?

The wound is clean, and the bleeding has stopped.

And I ran an IV, so you can do a transfusion.

Check out Little Miss Got-Her-Shit-Together over here!

Bless her heart.

Look,

I know that you're crushing,

but you don't have to go back to Turbo.

You're better than this.

It's what I have to do.

You stole all the food from my garden for your protein shake?

What?

- That's our food! - I can't... What?

How do you expect people to trust you if you keep acting like a chunder bucket?

Hang on. I'm making edible slime.

And it's not for me. It's for you.

Are you a ten-year-old girl now?

Do you remember the fall immunization drive?

"You Down With HPV?"

"Yeah, you know me!"

Is that meant to be clever or...

I'll tell you just how clever I am. Check out my desk.

Isis, Helvetica...

These are all the kids that died when the bomb went off.

None of them had the HPV vaccine.

Their parents refused to immunize them

despite simple facts like science,

or common sense.

You think this is why they died?

I think this is why you lived.

- The HPV vaccine? - Yeah, think about it, Sam.

The HPV vaccination only works on teenagers.

Adults are too old to get the inoculation.

The teenagers survived, the adults died.

And Isis, Helvetica, and Mannie...

My pro-vax agenda saved your lives.

So what's the slime for then?

It's an immunity booster.

Your bodies are fighting whatever cancer that bomb caused,

but cancer wants to devour everything,

and a lot of you haven't had your second or third HPV shot.

Until we find more vaccine,

this slime will help to keep you all healthy.

Something smells awful in here by the way.

It's echinacea and blueberries.

The recipe came straight from the Slime Queenpin.

And there's no nuts in it. Everybody can eat it.

For me to earn the kids' trust,

I need your help.

If they see you eating that slime, then they'll try it.

You're saving their lives.

Hmm.

Okay.

I've been thinking about us...

a lot.

We were really good together.

Our relationship is kinda like the 1984 Cannon Films' classic,

Ninja III: The Domination.

Ninja III is an exquisite combination

of The Exorcist and Flashdance with ninjas.

It's about Christie. She's this telephone line repair woman,

who side hustles as an aerobics instructor

and gets possessed by an evil ninja.

Shô Kosugi plays Yamada.

Yamada is the evil ninja's former BFF.

Be careful. It's hot.

Yamada is responsible for the actions of the evil ninja

and dedicates his life to ending his reign of terror.

At least I think that's what it's about.

It's loose on plot,

and it's full of break-dancing ninja battles.

See...

you...

are the sexy aerobics instructor...

possessed by evil.

And I'm your salvation.

I love you,

but I can't forgive what you did.

People are dead because of you.

And me.

We have to own up to that

if we're ever going to be right with the world again.

A rōnin...

A rōnin can only be a samurai

after he eliminates his sins.

You and I are gonna have a duel to the death.

This is the path.

I'll be redeemed,

or I'll be dead.

All right. Get in.

Are you sure this is gonna work?

Oh, yeah. I saw it in Star Wars.

- You're gonna be like Chewbacca. - Oh, what? And you're gonna be Han Solo?

Hell to the fuckin' yeah!

All right.

Time to get into character.

You better not stab me in the back.

Trust me, if I were to stab you, I'd do it right in your dumb face.

This plan is gonna kill.

Where the fuck are my keys?

Hey!

What are you doing?

Hi, Baron Triumph! Die!

Hoyles, you twat, that's not Burr! That's Eli Cardashyan!

'Sup, turd?

Fuck! Fuck!

Hey! Let me outta here!

Yeah! You better fuckin' run!

Hoyles, you asshole! Hey!

Get back here! Let me out!

Hoyles!

- No... - Holy shit!

Ooh!

No!

Goddamn!

Mutant pug mating season.

Please stop!

Hey, man. Are you okay?

I'm the Lord of Illusion.

I even fooled Hoyles.

Nah, man. It's fine.

I got you. Uh...

No! Eli! Help!

Somebody!

Oh, fuck!

'Sup, turds?

This blood is gonna get the Ghoulies fucking fast.

No, man. Don't die! Eli, don't fucking die!

I will drive you back to the mall, okay?

We'll get Mavis. We'll help you.

Dude,

Mavis is a mannequin.

Stop fucking around!

If eating pillow stuffing is intelligent, I'm Stephen Hawking.

My IQ level is Gucci!

I'm delicious!

Just... when you get to the high school...

What? What, man? Anything.

You touch my Magic: The Gathering cards,

and I will haunt your ass.

You don't want to fuck with paranormal Eli.

I'm terrifying as shit.

Eli...

Eli...

No. No, man.

Wake up. Wake back up, man!

Get up!

Get up!

Wake up.

Principal Burr actually did it.

School is back to normal.

I told you it would work.

- Stuff tastes good like... - Mona?

Mona!

Oh, fuck!

Hey, Sam!

Barry, what happened to... What happened to your other leg?

Burr said Tiger Woods' dad did the same thing to improve his game!

I always help my students grow.

Sometimes it's addition by subtraction.

- You want me to handle her, boss? - Uh, no. No. Give us a moment.

You have a more important mission.

What have you done?

No yelling. No yelling! What's the rule?

Spirit fingers!

I'm waving mine!

And just look at you shine.

You're drinking Barry smoothies.

You asked me for a second chance!

And I got one. I know what I am now.

I saved your lives with the HPV vaccine.

I can't be killed.

Check me out, Sam. I'm Armageddon Jesus.

God would never poison us!

You are foul, disobedient children.

- Saving your lives wasn't a coincidence. - No.

You're gonna help me to start over.

- First, we'll blow up Glendale. - No.

Then we'll build a new world in my image: safe,

respectful, and most importantly, positive!

Unfortunately, change...

Change can be violent.

Principal Burr?

Load the others. She can burn here.

Here we go.

Epic conclusion: Sam, Montrose, house.

Happily ever after.

Why didn't you fight for me to stay with you?

Did you not want to be with me?

Am I not worth being with?

Don't worry.

I know why you're not answering.

It's not because you don't love me.

It's because I wasn't here.

This never happened.

I didn't come on this hunting trip.

I stayed in LA.

And you went alone.

Forty-four years of tradition...

and I broke it...

to hurt you.

And then you died.

Uh... I understand why I'm here now.

I get why I pushed Angelica,

and Wesley, and Sam away.

So I wouldn't hurt them.

And so they wouldn't hurt me.

The same way that you hurt me.

I just... I don't get why you didn't want me to be with you.

You know?

Maybe you didn't like being a dad.

Maybe you knew you were dying.

Maybe you just didn't want me to see you get sick.

I guess...

kids never really get to know their parents.

You should know that you did a good job.

Yeah, I can fish, and hunt, and rig solar panels,

and purify water from my own urine.

Which is grosser than it sounds.

I survived because of you.

Josh.

Oh, Josh, I wish you could see this.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Sam?

Oh, Sam.

Sam!

No...

Sam...

Quick! Burr is gonna...