Original subtitles

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Did somebody ask for a wake-up call?

...the result of a four-car collision that's now cleared.

This is Cdr Chuck Street flying Yellow Thunder.

Thanks. Touch the radio to feel the warmth of my sincerity.

Hey! That's great!

102.7 Kiis FM. K-I-I-S Los Angeles.

Rick Dees in the morning. Tell us what time it is!

It's 6.55, and coming up Liz, Fulton, Coach Charlie Wright...

And, Coach, I hate to tell you this, your fly is open...

Paramedics! Paramedic, somewhere?

Coming up, Long Dong Wong from Hong Kong is here.

How are you doing?

His girlfriend is helping him out today...

- Translated, that is: - It's so big!

- Down, Wylie, it's not your birthday. - It's not?

Hurt me, baby!

Go away.

Mr Johnson's up and wants to say "Hi".

OK, OK, OK...!

Now, I'm gonna put it in... Here it comes...! Oh, shit!

God, you've got cobwebs down there.

- Get it off! - Hurry or I'll change my mind.

- Pull it over your head! - You're sitting on it.

- I'm suffocating! - Is there no end to this thing?

Gesundheit.

- I'm sorry. - I have to go to work anyway.

Thanks for the belly dance.

How you doin'? Let's go, we're late.

Yeah, right. Just drive the car.

Come on! We're gonna be late.

Morgan! Hurry up!

Work, work, work! School, school, school!

- Did you hurt yourself? - Yeah, I hope my toy's OK.

Wylie, we're living in a dump!

A little landscaping and this house'll be a showplace.

Shit!

What's up?

No, no, no!

Bang! Bang! Bang!

- Bung! Bung! - Right, English. Always English here.

- Excuse me. - Fuck this.

- Yeah! - Good.

Y'all will get pregnant if you do that. Take it easy.

You're jammin', though.

Wait! I want a picture for my family.

How do you say "cheese" in Arabic?

- Thanks! - Landry!

- How y'all doing? - Look who's here!

- How's the belly dancer? - What's my name?

Did you do work?

- Landry, you're late! - Sorry, sir, problem with the car.

- Landry! - Landry!

We can be real proud of what we taught these boys.

They'll destroy your brand-new tank.

Those boys are killers. Dogs of war. Lions of the fuckin' desert.

Who made this awful thing?

You did.

- Wylie... - I wouldn't make something like this.

See this red wire? It's come off the connection.

- What about the test today? - It'll be fine.

It's important, isn't it? Part of the tank they're going to build?

Small part, in a great big tank.

Small part called a DYP-Gyro that doesn't work.

- What do you mean? - I'm kidding! Lt'll work.

The DYP's gonna work.

Today we will field-test one of the new XM-10 Annihilator tanks.

We're proud to offer this sophisticated, state-of-the-art, super-tank to Kuwait.

Beautiful Kuwait, a country so close to the hearts of all Americans.

Indeed, Kuwait and America share a common heritage of...

Share so many similarities, like... your deserts.

We too have big deserts.

"Aaaah" my ass. Get in the tank.

- Thanks. Goodbye. - Wylie, the truth.

Is the company going under? Are you gonna lose this job?

- If I'm late again. - Morgan had to get to school!

- At least he's got a future. - Thank you!

- So go around! - Laura!

I had to start over again here. I've got Hallowe'en parties to cater.

- I cannot move again! - Who's talking about moving?

Wylie, let me put it this way:

You lose this job, you don't come home.

Laura, thanks for your support. Have a nice day.

All right, I'm moving!

All right, we got a lot of important people out there.

Let's make this good. Move out!

OK, A-Team, let's do work!

- Do work. - Do work?

- Do work. - Do work!

Guys, buckle up. We're going into hyperspace.

Now, as the assault group passes by, you'll see a number of vehicles,

but I want you to pay particular attention to the super-tank, the XM-10.

If Superman were a tank driver, he'd drive the super-tank.

Who farted? You can't fart in here, I closed the hatch.

- It'll be in here for an hour now. - What means fart?

- Oh, fart! - Somebody must've ate a bad goat.

Button fall off!

The XM-10. It's beautiful, it has advanced design. Low cost also.

As it moves, watch it very closely.

It has amazing manoeuvrability that enables it to immediately...

...swerve off course...

Why are we going right and nobody else is? Why are we going right?

What the hell is going on here? What the hell is this?

Get out of the way!

It's all right, it's our demonstration...

Please, move over! Sayyid, stop the tank, please!

- What's "Get the fuck out" in Arabic? - Run away!

Oh, shit!

We just turned that sheik's car into a Mercedes skateboard.

Goddam this lousy tank!

Cocksucker!

Cocksucker!

Jesus Christ! Which asshole built this thing?

Hi!

Hi, Bob... Nice talking to you.

- Betty, are you OK? - They laid me off!

Wait, wait! Where are you taking my computer?

Relax, they're taking it in for repairs.

Nobody said nothin' about repairs. This is repossession.

Terrific! Now they're repossessing our equipment!

Hey, this place is going down the toilet and it's your fault.

- What's going on in your section? - We're trying.

- Why can't you get that DYP to work? - We're testing it today. It'll work.

Hey, Cooper...

It goddam better work!

Jesus, there's a little tension here today.

Terrific!

On the road again

I can't wait to get on the road again

- C-O-O-P-E-R - Cooper!

- You're late. - I was just getting coffee for someone.

- Sweetheart, your coffee. - I didn't ask for any.

- Ask not and ye shall receive. - Cooper, I wanna talk to you.

- You know the pressure I'm under? - It's terrible.

- It's tough to supervise a test like this. - Supervise, right!

This was my big break.

Supervising the most pitiful bunch of morons... Dammit!

I don't appreciate taking heat because of the irresponsible engineers under me.

If the DYP doesn't work today, it will be thanks to jerk-offs like you.

Let's have lunch.

Listen up. We got two minutes to final thermal activation.

Jerk-off? You know why she said that? She was trying to arouse me.

- Oh, yeah, sure. - She did.

- Mr Loparino... Mr Cooper. - Thank you.

- Good morning. - Morning.

Sorry!

I feel good about this because I know it's going to work.

This is a combined environment test for vibration and microwave radiation.

- This is a Double Yaw Processor. - The DYP-Gyro.

DYP-Gyro. Funny name.

Let's fire it up.

- That's not it, Mr Joyner. It's over here. - Oh, yes. That's the other thing...

We're testing the D YP-Gyro, which will guide surface-to-air missiles

on the soon-to-be-built XM- 10 super-tank.

Thank you. 20 seconds to ready.

All the months of work, all the money, trying to get this fuckin' thing to work.

Without our little DYP, there'd be no guidance system, no tank.

No war machine to annihilate cities or crush helpless citizens.

Don't get philosophical, Loparino.

- We ran out of goggles, so use these. - Thank you so much!

All systems are locked.

- Hey, Lo. - What?

Look at her. So nervous and excited. Oh, God!

Tony, watch the frequencies.

If they deviate, I'll signal Loparino to stop everything.

What would you give to touch her long beautiful leg?

- Would she be wearing nylons? - No.

- I'd give my right pinkie. - Ten hertz.

- Looks very professionally done. - Oh, it's a sight!

- The DC converter's intermittent. - No problem.

Lo, tell me, what would you give if you could brush,

say, the side of her breast with your palm?

- Oh, God! I'd give my left arm to do that! - 20 hertz.

- It's going up and down. - It's a test.

- I see. - They know what they're doing.

What if you could put your mouth on her nipple

and feel it swelling on your tongue like the world's ripest olive?

Start the strobe.

My left leg.

- Help me do that, I'll give you the leg. - Not enough!

- Get ready to stop it. - My sight, my eyes.

- We have a problem with the bulb. - No, that's all right. It's just a light.

50 hertz.

- No. 3 Acceler-ometer is malfunctioning. - Stop the strobe!

Unstable rotation!

What if you could move your hand between her legs

and she wasn't wearing any panties?

And you could feel the moist heat, and she'd say,

"Oh, Loparino!"

Loparino!

"Touch my sex!" and you'd say, "Here?" And she'd say, "Yes!"

My God, no!

We've exceeded the maximum rate.

What would you give for that?

My balls, both of them.

60 hertz.

We're on a 10-degree pitch angle!

- I'm concerned. - The temperature control...

- Take cover! - Look out!

We're losing it!

- Shit! - Put it out!

- It didn't work. - No, it didn't.

Well, anybody wanna get a margarita?

Loparino, you were supposed to shut it down!

Could we have Maintenance in here to collect the remains?

The DYP's dead, the project's dead, we're dead.

- I'm going to lie to Laura about the test. - Great! That'll fix everything.

- I gotta go. - She introduces me as her husband,

the casualty of the defence industry.

I can't blame her, after Houston, Boston, Charleston...

I've had a dozen jobs in ten years.

So, you're not an engineer, you're a migrant worker.

I mean, Seal Beach? A plant that used to be a bowling alley!

- I've hit bottom, Loparino. - You and me both.

- Want a ride? - No, I'll catch a bus.

See you ma�ana.

I heard you guys talking.

My name is Frank Holtzman. I've been an engineer for 20 years.

- You're missing the crux of the problem. - Really?

It's the company executives

who steal the prime of our lives, who bask in luxury derived from our brains.

- And do I get credit? - Right.

Do I get paid what I deserve?

- No! - No.

And in ten years, when I'm wrung out, they'll fire me.

Thanks.

Listen, I'm gonna find a table.

Nice talking to you.

- And you know what? - No.

I found the right people who appreciate me and will pay for my ideas.

Good for you. Listen...

Right now, tonight, I'm supposed to deliver the encyclopaedias.

Check, please!

I don't want to look around. Is there a big blond guy at the bar?

Well, no... I don't see...

There is a guy just coming in.

That's him!

Seven o'clock sharp.

In ten minutes, I'm to meet that guy in the bathroom.

Check!

He says his name's Jeff and he has a condo. But that's not his real name.

No?

His name's something else and he's a captain in the KGB.

The KGB! Jesus Christ, in here?

That's amazing.

Listen, I'll just be a second, I'm going to get my check.

No, don't go!

- I can't go through with this. - It's late.

Have you ever got into something, just screwing around,

and then realised what the consequences are?

- Yeah, that's my life. - Jesus Christ, what am I gonna do?

- What am I gonna do? - There's the football game on the TV.

- I find that's always relaxing. - Just remember one thing.

If something happens to me, whatever you hear, it won't be true.

Hey, who listens to gossip?

- Hi. - Hi.

Thanks.

- Hey! Thank your friend for me. - Friend?

Somebody left the hospital door open, I think.

- Look, I just wanna rap with you! - Sorry, I changed my mind, Jeff.

Look, here we go, amigo...

- Get in the car! - I don't have the disk...

Come on. In the car, buddy.

Get going!

More good news. Digical claim their guidance system's almost ready.

- They'll get the tank contract! - It's already in the paper?

Screwed by one goddam little DYP-Gyro.

Here's a classified ad for you:

"You've got a big future as an avionics engineer in Saudi Arabia."

Can't be any worse than Seal Beach, California.

- You want some coffee? - They're taking the machine away.

Oh, God!

- Cream and sugar? - Black.

Oh, your diet.

Jesus Christ!

Coffee doesn't belong in this building any more!

- Give me another cup! - Stop it!

- Take it away, it's rotten coffee anyway. - What a putz!

- Wylie! - You son of a bitch! You did it!

You saved us!

How long were you gonna hide it?

Buddy, I certainly misread you.

- Loparino, what's going on here? - Wylie...

I want to say right off, I'm very sorry.

I always knew you were smart, but I...

I just thought that you were burned out and lazy.

- I was wrong. - Listen, we all make mistakes.

No one else dropped the stabilised platform and tried the floating ball.

- You did. I can only call that genius. - Hear, hear!

Well, genius is an overused word...

This shows real intellectual muscle.

Your ideas are strong and virile and...

...penetrating.

That's me: Big brain, big...

OK! I want a design review right now so we can get started.

I just want to say, two people in the whole world literally saved my life.

My bio-feedback counsellor...

...and you're the second!

God bless you, Wylie Cooper!

God bless you! God bless you!

- God bless you! - God bless you, too.

Loparino, what the fuck is going on in here?!

- I just didn't expect it from a guy like you. - What? Expect what?

- What's that? - Your DYP-Gyro design.

- My design? - It's not?

No! I just found the disk. I don't know where...

Unless... That nut last night...! Holtzman!

- Who? What? - God!

This weirdo in the bar was talking about KGB and all kinds of bizarre shit.

I saw him fooling with my briefcase. He must've put it in!

You didn't come up with the DYP?

No!

Hell, I knew there was no way you were a genius.

Oh, yeah? Well, fuck you!

Here comes Mr J himself.

- He took the LN down to 7.9. - What's he talking about?

- This is ridiculous. - What is going on here?

Mr Joyner, I have wonderful news.

- I've got to tell Claire to stop this. - No, wait!

An engineer solved the DYP problem. Wylie Cooper...

- No, no, no. Wait! - Loparino, where are you going?

The future of hundreds of people is in your hands, especially mine.

What are you doing?

Who's to say there's not a whiz here who invented the perfect DYP-Gyro?

You're crazy! What are you trying to do to me?

What do you care? This company's defunct and so are you.

- Why not go out in a blaze of glory? - You can't do that!

Now, cut it out. Cut it out!

Love this guy! The man's brilliant!

Mr Joyner, nice to see you. Sid Loparino.

- And this is Wylie Cooper. - Listen...

Look! Wylie came up with a floating ball concept that solves the problem.

Seriously, Mr Joyner, I have to tell you...

There'll be plenty of time to talk. I want to know all about your discovery.

- I discovered the damn thing in my... - Right now, I wanna tell you, Wylie,

that you are going places.

I want you to meet Frank Joyner.

Hello, Laura. You don't mind my calling you Laura, do you?

It's fine. Hi.

I've gotta get this stuff home and then get Morgan, it's late.

Your husband is a genius, Mrs Cooper. A genius.

Wylie, when you two finish screwing around,

I'd like to get Morgan and then go home.

Frank Joyner, remember?

The ex-astronaut, president of Dynatechnics.

Hi.

Laura, your husband has probably single-handedly saved this company.

Wylie?

You worked on this Gyro-DYP here? I thought they were toys for Morgan.

- I was. - Wylie, can you take this?

Laura, this whole thing is ridiculous. I've gotta tell you the truth...

I'll get that. Here, put these on the table.

Hello? Yes...

- Hi, Mr Joyner... - I'm not here!

He's right here. What...?

He said he learned something about you today that upset him.

Oh, boy. Here it comes. This is what I was about to tell you...

OK. He says look in the driveway.

- What? - He says look in the... the driveway.

What is it?

They're looking. He wants to know what you see.

- Ants on the windowsill. - Somebody's car.

He says he sees somebody's car. Is it a new car, Wylie?

- Yeah, I guess... - What?

You're kidding! Oh, my God!

- Wylie! It's our car! - It is?

Yes, thank you! Mr Joyner... Mr Joyner?

He said when I picked you up from work and he learned we only had one car,

he was embarrassed, so he bought us a car.

- I wanna see it! - Me, too.

Watch the door. Oh, dear...

- Hello? - Turn on Channel 12.

- Loparino, what now? - Turn on Channel 12.

I'm not in the mood for screwing around. It's gone too far. They gave me a car.

If you think that's bad, see Channel 12.

Arsehole! What's that? Hog-calling?

- Shit, it's over. ...tragedy in Seal Beach.

- It's on Six. Turn it on Six! ...filed this report.

Here in sunny Seal Beach this morning,

one man sat in a dark garage and started his car for the last time.

Police found the body of 40-year-old Frank Holtzman

in the car, the engine still running, an apparent suicide.

He was an employee of Digical Technologies,

where he worked as a senior systems engineer...

- That's the guy who gave you the disk. - That was the guy.

In the last hour, police have found additional evidence

and are not ruling out the possibility that Holtzman was a victim of foul play.

- Oh, boy. - Amazing, huh?

- You gotta look on the brighter side. - What the fuck is the brighter side?

Wylie, there's nobody around any more who can dispute your story.

Nobody's ever gonna know where you got that disk!

But what if that stuff Holtzman was saying about the KGB was true?

I mean, you heard yourself they haven't ruled out foul play.

What if he was killed and they made it look like suicide?

Talk crazy like that and you'll wind up like the other guy.

- That's what I'm worried about. - Quit worrying!

This is a golden opportunity to turn your life around.

Don't blow it, Wylie.

- Think about it. - I'm thinking.

We've got to fix this door!

- You... - Not now?

I knew you'd get started again once you put your mind to it.

I love you.

- Keep an eye on the hertz! - Holding steady. Everything's even.

- That baby's cookin' like a Mercedes. - 30 hertz.

Transfer function shows hardly any amplification of that input.

40 hertz.

What magnetic field strength is called for in the spec?

There it goes. Fantastic!

- Amazing! - 60 hertz.

- Maximum! - Stop the strobe!

Oh, Wylie! This is beautiful!

The maximum amplitude is only 1.2 times the input.

Yeah, it's... perfect input.

This new design totally eliminates the low-frequency modes we got before.

Well... Maybe not all of them.

Still, it's very impressive.

And the phase part indicates that we are in phase...

I think we should probably check the pulsar phases...

Yeah, let's do that. Tonight.

Little joke.

Thank you.

I want to say I'm so proud, so very proud, to announce that this company,

thought to be on the brink of extinction two months ago,

has won the contract to build the guidance system for the XM-10 tank!

This victory was due to your hard work and the brilliance,

the brilliance of people like Wylie Cooper.

- Yeah, Wylie! - Stand up, Wylie.

That's our Wylie!

We are going to build that guidance system,

and we are going to pass those Army tests successfully.

And soon our beautiful guidance system

will travel back east to be assembled with other components

to create not a war machine but a peace machine.

And two short years from now, the XM-10 Annihilator tank

will be the latest super-weapon in America's arsenal!

- Turn it right, Sayyid! - I can't, nothing happens!

- Step on the brakes, Ali! - They're not working!

Goddam this tank! Look out, we're going to hit...!

- What happened? - The navigation system went out again.

I'm telling you, this tank is screwed. This tank's a goddam lemon!

- Lemon! - Lemon!

Don't hit the tank. That's not a lesson.

I gotta explain to this lady why we're doin' renovations to her house.

Hi. I'm Lieutenant Landry from the United States Army.

Tank got out of hand.

Do you have a bathroom?

Calm down!

Sorry about the big misunderstanding. We're sorry.

Ali, what are they saying?

He say they are very scared and they are ready to surrender.

No, no, no! There's no surrender. We're training here, this is practice.

Tell them we practise.

- What is "poo", what is that? - He say we need more practice.

We gotta find the rest of the crew. Ask if they've seen the other soldiers.

What's this camel shit?

What is this?

He say for 50 bucks he tow you to gas station.

- 50 bucks! - You're so funny.

You should be in Vegas instead of the real Sahara.

The Buddy Hackett of the desert, huh? Very amusing.

Better not come to Cleveland with shit like that. Tow me to a gas...!

I'm sick of this Lawrence of Arabia shit. I'm going home.

For 50 dollars I'll slap that sheet off his back.

Grand view you have here. There you are.

Thank you so much, had a lovely time. Sweetheart, let's...

How do you do? Wylie Cooper. Hi, nice to meet you.

The military is inside, Wylie.

Thank you so much...

I hope everything's ready...

Wylie, this is Colonel Hampton,

from the Pentagon Procurements Department.

Colonel, I pray there's never another war

but if there is, we're building you one hell of a tank.

Mr Cooper!

Excuse me, Colonel. Nice to meet you.

I didn't finish the last differential specs on the DYP.

Here's what I've done so far. I'll work on them over the weekend.

I just haven't had much sleep.

Remember when we started, how many weekends we worked?

Yeah. None.

Harvey, you can do it. But remember... Not a word of this.

Don't worry! I know you're bending the rules.

Not everybody lets a new guy help on something so important.

Geniuses don't have the insecurities of us average people.

- I'll get the last of it to you right away. - OK.

- Thanks, thanks! - Thanks.

- Can you believe what's going on? - Great party!

It's awful.

They fly these Washington hacks here and offer them jobs, kickbacks,

hookers...

Oiling the defence machine with more pay-offs and corruption.

- I really hate corruption. - He's always saying that.

- Right, I hate corruption... - It's unbelievable!

Go to the bathroom and I guarantee you'll see massive quantities of drugs.

Where is the bathroom? I must go and...

I'm kidding, just kidding!

Sorry.

We were just discussing the new differential specs on the DYP.

- Have you finished them already? - He never sleeps.

It's such a relief to meet someone with a real mind.

Claire, why don't we escape all this corruption

and go to the bar in the lobby and examine my DYP data?

Yes, let's do it.

Right now.

- I'll work on it over the weekend. - This is good.

I love how you manipulate the axillary spheres.

- Manipulate what? - This is great!

Increasing the lubricant in the cavity, preparing for thrusting and friction.

- Thrusting, I like that part, too. - This is fantastic!

- You're inserting your thermal probe. - You like that? There?

- Yes... It's just the right spot. - Yeah, I think so.

My God. 19, 20, 22...

- How deep can it go? - Well, I don't like to brag...

- 23 centimetres? - Mmm. 9 inches.

- I wish. - I wish!

Hold it, it's about to peak...

Here it...

Oh, no... It's not finished.

- Maybe we could finish it together. - I'd like that, Wylie.

We can't go back to the plant and my place is sort of a problem.

Why bother your wife? We can go to my apartment.

Check, please!

But my sister, her husband and the kids are in town.

- We could always get a room here. - A room here, in the hotel?

- Yeah, to work in. - To work in.

- Check! - Check!

- Hello? - You haven't left yet, good.

- How's the house? - We've made it to Mondo Condo.

It's new and we sort of have a view of the ocean, past the oil well.

The company bought the house, who can complain?

Who's catering the party?

I should have done it. You'd have been embarrassed.

The movers just left. I bought a dress, hope you like it.

- I'll be there right away. - Listen, maybe it's just as well.

There are Congressmen and Pentagon types I'm to meet.

It's more a phoney promotional thing than a family affair.

That's OK. I don't want to get in the way.

If you want to come... You'll be bored and I can't spend time with you.

No, don't worry, I'll just start unpacking boxes.

God, things have certainly changed. I'm so proud of you.

You know me, kiddo. Nothing's changed. Still the same old jerk-off.

I'll see you later.

Oh, boy!

All checked in.

- What's wrong? - I don't know, it just...

...seems everybody's watching us.

Listen, if it'll...

...make you feel better, why don't I go up first?

Room 467.

I'll be right behind you.

Miss Crawford, please come to the reception desk.

Mr Stevenson, please pick up the white courtesy phone in the lobby.

Hey, congratulations on your success.

- Really. - Oh! Well...

One per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent...

...perspiration.

You don't remember me.

I'm sorry, I've got a terrible memory for faces.

You should've seen Frank Holtzman after he sucked gas.

Oooh! No way you ever would've forgotten that face, no way!

You remember me, man!

I was in the bar when you were talking to Frank,

the night before they found him dead.

- Excuse me... - Hey, don't split, Wylie!

They got a really excellent bar up on the roof.

Wanna get a brewski?

Yeah, I guess, if you twist my arm.

May I?

Never mind.

Yeah, let's have a seat.

- Found your own seats? - Yeah, thanks, sort of...

- Sushi, sashimi, sake? - No.

Pretty lady, a couple of brandies for me and my amigo.

Sure.

Yeah, you could do that, scream for help, or like, run away.

But other than looking like a PCP freak,

you are for sure saying adios to your lucky new life.

- That really fine new house. - You've been to the house?

That foxy lady waiting downstairs.

Kiss that goodbye 'cause I know the truth about you, Jim.

Daddy'll tell everybody if you don't behave.

Don't take this the wrong way, it's not an insult,

but I really don't know what you're talking about.

- You know? - Buddy, buddy, buddy...

I read about you in the papers and suddenly

I could see clearly now the sun was out...

See what clearly?

This really intense drama I was involved in.

I made a deal with Frank Holtzman to sell me one of those DYP-Gyros.

- What is a DYP-Gyro? - Don't fuck with me, Wylie!

- We're into some heavy stuff here. - Just don't kill anybody!

- Let's get a table. - Yeah.

Oh, man, I could not believe Frank Holtzman!

This dumbfuck pisses all over me and my deal

and then, wait, he gives you the goddam DYP?

I mean, you met him. The man is totally weirded out, right?

Yeah, right. Mr Strangeoid, definitely.

You know, he actually told me you were some kind of KGB agent!

KGB?!

Hey, I'm a Rotarian!

Look, we live in an information and service society, right?

- My service is to collect information. - I can see the need for that.

I mean, the people I work for are not exactly hotdogs.

They got money. They got, like, zillions of scientists.

Fuck, you think they couldn't figure out a Mickey Mouse little DYP-Gyro?

- No big deal. - Right.

But this is so much cheaper and quicker, they kick back and call me.

It's like room servicio. "Jeff, we need a DYP-Gyro, send one up."

I'm sorry.

- I really brought you down... - No...

If I were in your spot, I would consider this a major bummer.

- Major! - It's sort of depressing...

Shit! I don't like laying heavy threats on people.

Like, I'm not into, you know, master-slave power numbers.

Like, you see me at home, outside of a business situation,

you'd really like me.

Yeah, I'm sure I would.

This is $10,000.

And that's just a down payment.

Not bad for a DYP-Gyro that's not even yours.

How much more?

Well, that's 10%, so we're talking...

...100,000 dolleros.

Oh, fuck, man!

I know you, 'cause I been studying you.

And you're leaning. You're leaning, baby...

I can feel it. Do it, man.

Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

Wylie, my God, where have you been? I went back down to the lobby,

I waited, I was about to...

...leave.

- You gotta hide these. - What are you talking about?

Ever thought of chucking it all in and starting a new life?

- No. - Changing your name, your identity,

and running away to Tahiti or Khartoum or some place like that?

Actually, I had more modest plans tonight.

- Like sex. - Yeah. I like sex.

I love sex. We could have all the sex we wanted, but just not here!

- The room makes you nervous? - No, we gotta run for our lives!

You've been working too hard. Your mind is exhausted.

The mind is a very complex thing.

- Especially one like yours. - You don't understand.

There's this drugged-out lunatic

who expects me to meet him in 20 minutes in the parking lot.

An intellectual, like an athlete, can overtrain, burn out.

- What you need is physical therapy. - Oh, my God, the money!

Wait, we'll leave it for the maid. Think 10,000 is too big a tip?

Oh, no, I can't... He'll come after me!

No, if I... If we do this, I could be killed!

- Your wife has got you by the balls. - Not at the moment.

Baby, this won't take long.

- Did Laura tell you that? - Wylie...

I've fallen in love with your mind.

- Now let me love your body. - I'm reaching the point of no return.

OK, I passed it.

- Sshh! - What the fuck do you mean, "Sshh"?

It's OK, Wylie, they're friends.

Friends? I don't need any new friends. I mean, what...?

Listen, Mr Joyner, we were just discussing the DYP specs,

the tubular heat exchanger.

Loparino...!

34, not too tight, Tuesday afternoon? What the fuck is going on here?

These guys are from the FBI, I mean serious...

Don't they have more important jobs than spying on innocent engineers...?

Ever seen this man before?

He looks like somebody I had a drink with recently, but I can't be positive.

- What did he say? - You can talk.

- You're not alone any more. - I noticed.

- What are they talking about? - He said he wanted the DYP-Gyro.

Can you believe it? The guy comes to me after all my hard work,

expects me to sell him my DYP-Gyro. I mean, shit! What a world!

Yes, Wylie, but we can make this a better world.

This is what we've been waiting for. We've been tailing this Jeff for months.

- We saw him make contact with you. - Turn around now, please.

- Lucky you were half-undressed. - What is this?

- They're wiring you. - It's for a microphone.

We wanna hear everything.

- Wha... - Hold still!

- You've heard of industrial espionage. - Of course I've heard of industrial...

Jeff is a major figure in the shipment of stolen goods out of this country.

Where to? Other planets? The man's a space cadet!

He smuggles top secret, high-tech equipment behind the Iron Curtain.

Goddam, what is this?

We want you to give Jeff the DYP information.

- And then we're gonna nail him! - We have got to stop this individual.

- We? Let these peeping Toms stop him. - No, Wylie.

- That's a cop-out. - What?

Come down off your ivory tower and help them.

Ivory tower? I've just been caught with my pants down.

They say this Jeff character might have killed somebody.

Why didn't you say so earlier? He might have killed somebody?

Why, sure! In that case, I'd love to help!

Are you crazy?

I'm an engineer! You want G Gordon Liddy, you should get him.

I can understand your reluctance but there are things I should explain.

Oh, no! Not that arm!

I'm gonna save you some embarrassment and us some time.

We've been following Jeff since he was talking to Holtzman.

We know that you stole the DYP-Gyro from Holtzman...

Stole?! Wait...

You stole the DYP, which is classified material,

fraudulently claimed it as your own,

and committed treason by accepting cash for it from a foreign agent.

Now that is where you're at, Wylie, unless you wanna listen to my deal...

I've done some soul-searching and I've decided I wanna help.

- That's the kind of guy I am. - I knew they could count on you.

- Way to go, man! - I'll talk to you later!

- Jeff said to meet him in that parking lot. - It's probably too late.

- Jeff's heading for the parking lot. - All right, this is it.

- Oh, no... - Wylie... l'll be waiting for you.

Maybe you could go and I'll wait here. Seriously, Jeff's a sucker for women.

What if Claire met him and said I had Legionnaire's disease...

- Or maybe my haemorrhoids... - I repeat, the bait is on the hook.

I assume my microphone is working.

I know you guys are trained not to be seen, but...

...what if I don't see you because you're not there?

In that case, I suppose I'm fucked.

OK, I'm in position by the camera.

Got him on visual now, Chief.

Well, no sign of Jeff.

Maybe he's changed his mind. Wouldn't that be too bad?

- God! - Merry Christmas, jerk!

If this doesn't go right, and something happens to me,

I never got a chance to give my son Morgan the fatherly advice...

...and...

...the bits of wisdom I've picked up through the years.

Like never pass up an opportunity to take a piss.

Mutual funds are the worst. Fat girls tend to come a lot.

Is that true?

Do you hear that?

That is a dog. It tried to eat me.

- I tell you, Jeff's just not... - Don't move!

Get over between these cars. Come on, don't look around.

Back up, back up!

OK...

- What was that? - Turn down the sound.

- Jesus! The old man's here! - Shit!

- So where's Jeff? - Shut up, asshole.

- What's in the briefcase? - The plans for the DYP.

- Gimme your wallet. - My wallet?

- Listen, I'll only deal with Jeff on this. - Who the fuck is Jeff?

This is Colonel Zayas from the central polic�a in San Salvador.

My pleasure.

Captain Garcia Vega from Honduras.

- Chief Padilla from Guatemala. - At your service.

- There's nothing valuable in it, I swear. - Let go or you're gonna be dead!

We were at the Inter-American Police Congress.

I thought I'd bring them down here to see a real surveillance operation.

He's getting away! Goddam it! Can you hear me?

Where are you? Damn it, the briefcase has been stolen!

And my wallet!

- We have this Jeff... - Where are you?

He is a foreign agent, representing an Iron Curtain country.

- Can you hear me? - Comunista!

Look out, horse! Shit!

How'd you like to deep-throat my.38, cocksucker!

I'm gonna come bullets and blow your skull off.

- You're gonna die, worm! - Jeff, hold on. Wait a minute.

- Maybe we can discuss this. - Chief...

Se�or, this TV doesn't work. No picture...

This is a microwave oven... My dinner.

The streets aren't safe because of scum like this.

Don't kill him. He won't do it again. Tell him.

I won't do it again!

Man! Man! Our society is going down the tubes

unless people get involved and blow these motherfuckers away.

Of course you're right, Jeff. But look at him, he's crying.

Let this one motherfucker go. You've really scared him.

Besides, look, here's my wallet and more importantly - excuse me -

the briefcase, the DYP-Gyro... Remember, buddy? Buddy, buddy.

It's the DYP. I've got the DYP.

Chief!

Mira! Freddie Gomez! El Mingo, from my Guatemala!

- Ooh, this is really intense! - Right!

Where the fuck are you? Come in, please.

- The D YP is mine. - They're making the drop!

Jeff is opening the briefcase. The plans are there.

- What was that? - You say, "testing"?

S�, testing!

Please, don't touch this. It's highly sensitive!

- What is your situation? - Oh, my God!

- It's a set-up. - Shit, you're right.

Goddam son of a bitch! How d'you think the bastards found out?

- Jeff! There's one thing I wanna say. - What, worm?

All right, go! Move out!

Jeff, forget about me! Save yourself, buddy!

- FBI? - Polic�a Central.

Guatemala City, Guatemala.

I'll kill you, man! I'll kill you!

You have one minute to come out.

Throw your gun out first, then send Cooper out.

When we see he's safe, you follow with your hands above your head.

- I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die! - No, talk to them.

Talk to them. Let them hear your side of the story.

- You're gonna die, too. - No, we can make up your story.

Like your family lives in Russia and it's extremely cold,

and they're about to be sent to Siberia unless you can get the DYP-Gyro.

Die, capitalist worms!

Open fire!

- Hold your fire, it's me! Hold your fire! - He's coming out.

You shot me! Jesus, it really hurts, no kidding!

You dumb bastard! You drug-damaged freako!

- I thought you liked me, Wylie. - What?

Goodbye, dumbfuck!

What a...

What a bummer!

Boom... Dead Comunista.

He's coming to... Wylie?

- He'll be OK. - There could be brain damage.

Jesus, Wylie, you gotta stop being a hero all the time.

Wylie, you did fine.

Wylie, I'm so proud of you.

Don't think of the pain, think of the publicity.

You're gonna be all right.

No, Jeff was right. He died and I'm gonna die, too.

The wound is just superficial.

Well, sure, now. But when the infection sets in...

Claire, I've gotta tell you something.

- I lied... - Is he delirious?

- Excuse me, will everybody move back. - No, big lie...

And this is God's way... Claire, the DYP...

- I didn't design it! - Quiet, you're not making any sense!

- This is the truth. - What are you talking about?

Holtzman gave me... It's a long story.

Basically, I stole the DYP and took credit for it.

- Finally, the truth on my deathbed. - Shut up, you're not dying.

What do you mean? You lied about it?

Yes! I'm a total fraud, an opportunist!

- Lied to everybody? Lied to me? - Yes!

Look out!

You mean our whole relationship has just been sex?

- He'll be OK. - Who the hell are you?

The question is, who is he?

Laura, my wife...

- This is Claire, my friend, co-worker... - You were screwing her in the motel!

I thought it was cute, you pretending to be a jerk-off...

- I can explain when I get home. - You're never coming home!

- You're telling me you are a jerk-off? - What's a few extra IQ points?

- Come on, Laura. I've been shot! - Too bad they missed, you shit!

- You idiot! - Can you put me on the ambulance?

You worm!

- Stop hitting his head! - Don't worry, it's not a vital organ.

- Put me on the goddam ambulance! - Take him home, you suburban cow!

- You take him, you intellectual slut! - Claire! Laura!

- Come on, ladies, break it up. - Claire! Laura!

Goddam it!

Mr Cooper!

Brank?

- I'm a friend of the family. - Harvey?

I had to talk to you. You have got a real problem.

- This is not a real problem? - I finished the computer runs.

I ran it a million times. Always the same conclusion.

Harvey, get out of my ambulance.

- The DYP-Gyro, it doesn't work! - What?

It's not going to pass the final Army test

because if you put a real DYP in a real tank,

that tank could be blown off the face of the earth.

Oxygen.

Hey, Ali, what's going on?

I don't know but I think big trouble. I protect you.

- Don't worry. - I feel safe now!

Come in, can you hear Sayyid?

Hello, we very lost. I knew I should have gone to Navy!

- Stop the tank! - We read you. Indicate your location.

- What's this guy saying? - Very big war come so he run away.

He's got the right idea but what war?

Lieutenant! Lieutenant! I got radio man, I got radio.

- Romeo, come in! - What is your current position?

My position is the doggie position and I'm at the wrong end.

This super-tank ain't exactly too super. I'd feel safer riding an armadillo.

Cut the bullshit, Landry. Where are you?

If I knew I wouldn't call you.

I feel like I'm in Gone with the Wind, people burnin' down Atlanta.

- Wait a second, we're near... - Umm Al Khabrat.

Umm Al Khabrat...

Some shit, don't know how you say it. That's where we're near.

Romeo Tango Niner Niner. You have just entered the battle zone.

What battle zone?

Landry, this morning Iraq invaded Kuwait.

We got a real war on and you're in a Kuwaiti tank.

You don't understand. I'm training with a couple of boys, I ain't in no real war.

Tell the Iraqis. They should be on top of you any minute now.

Shit, I gotta tell somebody somethin'.

Oh, my God! Slow down, guys, please. You're making a mistake.

I have nothing against Iraq! I love Iraq!

I'm not in this war! I'm from Cleveland!

Rotate it about 30 degrees. Careful, this is a major piece of art.

You scratch it, you pay for it, gentlemen.

Very nice, OK. That's remarkable.

The masterpiece has landed.

- Cooper. - Mr Joyner.

- How are you feeling? - Better, thanks. A little sore.

I thought we almost lost you that night in the parking lot.

But you managed to pull through, didn't you?

Yeah... Sorry...

We're sharpening up the decor for the Army inspectors.

Well, what do you think?

It was my wife Pauline's idea to have the racing stripe effect...

- Interesting... - And tanks!

- You're welcome. - No...

Oh, pictures of tanks!

- How does Chief Engineer sound? - What do you mean?

I've had it with bureaucratic bureaucracy.

That's why I want to promote someone from the ranks.

- Promote? Me? - Yep.

- Sounds like you haven't read my letter. - Your letter?

My letter explaining that I didn't design the DYP-Gyro.

Of course you didn't design it!

But you knew how to exploit it and protect it from foreign saboteurs.

That was the letter in which I also explained that the DYP doesn't work.

That's a minor snag.

Mr Joyner, it's sort of a major snag because... Look...

The DYP prototype worked by itself

but the final version is installed next to the WAM.

The point is, if the WAM overheats, it could make the DYP malfunction.

- The chances of that are very slim. - But there is a chance.

And you realise that if the DYP-Gyro doesn't work,

the tank's surface-to-air missiles won't fire!

Wylie, you've never been to the moon, have you?

No, not recently. Though... Just wait.

I was fixing my kid's toy and it gave me an idea

that I can incorporate into the DYP.

On the moon, you get a whole different perspective.

You learn very quickly not to... sweat the little shit.

I'll keep that in mind, but what about the Army test?

- Carol! - Claire.

Carol is going to help you transition into management.

You're going to make a wonderful Chief Engineer,

the chief of all the engineers on the staff... I'm so proud...

Your new office is upstairs. Would you like to come with me?

Claire, I was trying to explain to Joyner, the problem with the DYP...

- I think I can fix it! - You're off that project.

- If we can postpone the Army tests... - Postpone?

You don't have to worry about it.

When we became aware of the problem, we put Harvey Brank on it.

- Did Harvey get it to work? How? - The DYP is going to pass the test.

That's all that's important, right?

Nine, nine and a half, ten, go!

Get your printouts and put 'em on Frank's desk.

- OK? - Yeah, I'll do it!

Mr Cooper!

Congratulations! I heard they made you Chief Engineer.

Thanks. Why did Claire tell me not to worry about the Army tests?

I don't know...

Sonny, get that over to the assembly area and we'll do a check.

Quirk, take it up, we'll do another run. Listen...

I wanna know what's going on.

Two days ago, they brought me in here and...

...asked me to do some recalibrations on the hot boxes.

Oh, that's what I thought they were up to.

Can't fix the DYP, fix the testing machines instead.

- Listen, I really have to... - Yeah, right...

You were the guy who told me the DYP didn't work!

I was overreacting! I mean...

Mr Rupp's right. It's a lot of military nit-picking.

In a real-life situation,

the probability the WAM's gonna get hot enough to affect the DYP is miniscule.

- Not zero, Harvey. - It's a small, calculated risk.

- Joyner here. - Mr Joyner, it's Claire.

- Claire! - Yes, sir.

It's about Wylie Cooper.

I think he may be kind of a problem at the test on Monday.

If Wylie Cooper is going to make it awkward for everybody,

we'll just have to make sure he's not at the test.

- Dynatechnics. - Blevin, it's Wylie Cooper.

- Who? - Never mind, damn it.

Loparino said he was driving by the plant and saw a lot of cars.

What's going on? Have the bastards moved the test up?

Yeah, they got me working Saturday. Called me last night.

Said the Army are coming this morning.

I could have finished by Monday!

Where are the damned... data sheets?

Where are the goddam data sheets?

Oh, no! Morgan must have picked up my folder.

Wylie, I told you never to come back here!

- I gotta find something. - You scared me to death!

The door's unlocked. It might've been me coming through there.

- It was you! - That's what I was warning you about.

- Morgan? Where's Morgan? - What?

In the bathroom. What do you want?

When I picked him up yesterday, he got my stuff by mistake.

- What are you looking for? - Some data sheets.

There's shit going on at the plant.

I need Brank's printouts. They prove the DYP doesn't work.

- What trouble are you in this time? - Don't start!

Oh, my God! Here they are. Thank God for that!

Why are you doing this?

What's happened to everybody's favourite clown?

The man who laughed away 10 years, screwing up both our lives.

- Wylie... - Listen...

I realise that if I were in the Army, with my luck,

I'd be the poor schmuck in that tank that's about to blow up.

You didn't screw up my life.

I probably said you did, but I never really meant it.

I gotta get home!

God, please don't let my blood spill out on these foreign shores.

I wanna see my belly dancer again!

- What? I got the base again! - Patch me into the radio. Hurry!

Guys, you got Landry, Niner Niner. What's up? We lost contact.

No!

Oh, shit!

They're in worse shape than us. We were better off lost.

Jenning, can you make it back here?

No, we're stuck here too, Captain. It looks bad.

You just hold tight, man!

Captain, it's the XM-10, it's Landry.

Damn it, where you been? Come on!

Come on!

I bet you were worried about us, huh, sir?

- Landry... Thank God you're here! - Must have made a wrong turn.

Jenning's platoon's pinned down in that village, looking to be wiped out.

War is hell, sir.

We got separated from the other tanks, the rocket launchers are out.

So you're all we got left. You're goin' in, man.

- Me? For what? - To get the troops out!

Wait, you don't understand, sir. I have a very inexperienced crew here.

Being lost put me under tremendous mental stress.

We wanna get some cocoa and mellow out for the rest of the night.

But the cocoa can wait because... Go down in the tank.

Me and my boys are going to show them what being in the Army is all about.

Lieutenant Landry out.

Boys, we're screwed, blue and tattooed.

Hold onto your prayer rugs, we're goin' in.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're approaching three minutes to test.

- Harvey, is it ready? - I think somebody spilled coffee on it.

If you motivate in this direction, I'll show you something.

This is a simulation of our tank under battle conditions.

- Your company put this together? - Not the console, no...

But this piece of furniture would look attractive in your den.

- Provided that contract comes through. - Frank, please!

- Sonya, are we gonna make it? - The vacuum ionisation gauge is OK.

We double-checked. Don't worry.

- Take a closer look. - This is the heart of the...

- The heart of the guidance system. - One minute to test.

Oh, we have one minute.

One minute, thank you.

That's not necessary. We're on a peace mission.

Look, I'm turning the other cheek.

All right, you little desert rodents, now you die.

No, ladies, I was just kidding! I love children.

You crazy desert bitch!

Oh, my God!

It's up at 60 megahertz almost, we're hoping for that. 70 is excruciating.

Start the strobe.

Don't worry about the pulsating effect. That's supposed to happen.

- 60 hertz. Maximum. - Stop the strobe!

Maximum attained. 60 hertz, no problem.

Better find another road. Back her up.

Somebody's tank was already barbecued.

WAM! She's located next to the DYP.

This is the automatic mission assignment.

There's our calibration scope coming in, just as we predicted.

A helicopter's coming, look out!

- What was that? - A jet plane, Frank.

I'll tell you, that's worth 133 points.

Activate the 50 calibre. I'm gonna teach this desert cowboy a lesson.

You're gonna see what happens when you mess around with Lt Landry.

Nothing works on this damn tank! Send up a Rich Little!

Rich Little?

All right, do Michael Jackson!

Very good. Now do James Brown.

Hot pants!

That was a joy! He did Michael Jackson first, then James B...

So many talented people in the desert!

We got a Wylie Cooper signing for the DYP-Gyro.

- No! I'm signing... - It says Cooper.

It's OK. Cooper, the development engineer, has been reassigned.

Any way you want it! There you go, sign at the bottom.

Your keys are in the ignition.

Buzz the gate! Buzz the gate!

Shit! You probably didn't hear me.

Shit, that bazooka man has friends.

- Oh, shit! - Stop the tank.

See that Iraqi half-track up there?

See those missiles? You know what that means?

They gonna blast us. Gun 'em.

They missed! Holy shit! Fire!

Slap my hands like Negroes do!

- The tests are over. - Get out of my way.

- Cooper, I want you out of here. - OK.

I'm sorry.

Oh, pardon me!

- Tango Niner, come in! - Captain, this is Landry.

The mosque is dead ahead.

They got our boys pinned down. Iraqi snipers are all over the rooftops.

Wylie! Why don't we go up to my office and talk?

Somebody forgot to tell me the tests were today. Excuse me.

Hello, everybody.

- Did the DYP-Gyro pass the test? - Yeah, it passed.

Before the Army breaks camp, it had better look at these.

Maybe not these particular ones.

- Something so very bad coming! - This shit can't get no worse, man.

Captain, we got something so very bad coming!

The show is over. We passed the test. Brank signed for the DYP.

Brank, you toad, you'd sign for anything, wouldn't you?

Where are the printouts? They've been faked.

The machines were fixed. They recalibrated...

That's why we call it Heat and Stress. The pressure is tremendous.

Sometimes they snap.

He's coming back.

He's about to find out that we also have some missiles.

- We never fire missiles before. - Shut up and let me worry.

Because I am worrying.

Ready them missiles!

There he is. Why did you let him in? Get him out!

Don't you understand? It won't work!

If the WAM overheats, the DYP will burn up.

- But I can fix it! - Get him out!

Don't hurt him!

Right, four zero hundred... Three five hundred.

Three zero hundred.

Claire, the notebook! Look at my new equations!

If the WAM overheats, we can still...

...we can still cool the DYP off so the missiles will fire!

Hold on, son of a bitch! Here it goes! Fire!

Come on, you gotta work this time. Fire!

Fire!

Wylie, what are you doing?

Fire! What are you waiting for?

Fire! What's wrong in there?

Look!

- It's not working! - No!

The WAM is overheating! What the hell is a WAM?!

Nothing else may work on this tank, but the DYP-Gyro's gonna work.

Fire!

The solution's right here, in the toy.

Goodbye, belly dancer!

Landry!

Yes!

- What's my name? - Landry!

The heat exchange that powers the toy can cool the DYP.

It may not rank up there with the theory of relativity, but it will work.

And if you don't use it,

if you don't redesign the DYP-Gyro,

I'll blow the whistle, loudly,

until people start to listen. I'll hound Congressmen,

I'll go to the newspapers.

- Tell 'em, Claire, you know me. - I think this is gonna work.

He would do that, the man definitely would do that.

Colonel, I never heard any of this before.

Saul, I did depend on you to keep me informed.

Well, I did inform you...

Actually, as soon as Brank admitted he'd made a mistake...

Wait, I didn't make any mistake. I told you the DYP wouldn't work...

- You told me to recalibrate... - Recalibrate!

Who ordered the... Did you order it?

It's out of the question. Did someone order this?

- Here, you ordered... - I didn't order, Mr Rupp, you can't...

- When big war come... - We win big war!

- We lions of the desert! - Yeah!

Guys, I don't know if y'all get to Cleveland much but...

...if y'all ever in town, I'll take you to all the places you probably heard of.

- Yeah? - Definitely.

Because you guys turned out to be a pretty OK tank crew.

- Yes, OK? - Pretty OK.

I said OK, not good.

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