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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,674
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
2
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,354
No breakfast for you?
3
00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:39,239
I brought me own.
It's here somewhere.
4
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,358
Zero calories and you can go back
as many times as you like.
5
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:44,470
Oh.
6
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:48,358
Oh, bollocks, I've run out of juice.
7
00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:50,670
Well, we have orange,
pineapple or summer breeze.
8
00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,275
Not that juice,
I forgot to charge me cig.
9
00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:54,350
What' s summer breeze?
10
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,835
It's pineapple juice
with a dash of orange.
11
00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:59,594
Oh. Will you charge that for me?
12
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,030
I can't be arsed going back upstairs.
13
00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:03,952
We are not supposed to be
charging the phones
14
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:06,156
or the electric cigarettes
behind the bar.
15
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,471
I'm pretty sure you're not
supposed to be wearing a mucky old vest
16
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:12,473
and slope off for a fag
every 20 minutes, either.
17
00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:14,119
Good point well made.
18
00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:20,552
Ooh, they've got no hash browns.
19
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,273
Oh, you'll waste away.
20
00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:25,432
It's all right. I doubled up on sausages
and black pudding.
21
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:26,555
Thank God for that.
22
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,313
Now, what's the problem with this venue?
23
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:29,589
I've told you.
24
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:31,000
there is no problem.
25
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,510
We've just got to book it today
or it's gone.
26
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:34,869
What do you mean, "it's gone"?
27
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:37,520
The rugby club's not gonna
disappear overnight.
28
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,233
You know what I mean.
29
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,390
The booking.
30
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:43,393
We've already lost one venue
through fannying about.
31
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:47,195
I wouldn't want my silver wedding
in a crappy prefab building
32
00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,157
on the side of a muddy field.
33
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:54,070
Well, luckily, even if you did find
some idiot who wanted to marry you,
34
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:57,312
I don't think you'd be spending
25 years with him.
35
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:02,719
Is that bar not open yet?
They've only got orange juice here.
36
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,234
There's pineapple as well.
37
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,397
Oh, no, I couldn't have either.
38
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,756
They give me terrible acid reflux.
39
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,480
One gobful, I'd be in agony
for the rest of day.
40
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,198
Why don't you have a summer breeze?
41
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,554
What's a summer breeze?
42
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:18,031
- Breakfast cocktail. I'll get you one.
- Oh!
43
00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:19,554
Thanks, Loretta.
44
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:26,949
Did you see what just happened?
45
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:28,670
No.
46
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,029
You didn't see your mother just then?
47
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,117
No, I've got me eyes shut.
48
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,794
You didn't see what your mother
just did to my father?
49
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,236
I just told you, I've got me eyes shut.
50
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:46,878
You wouldn't have believed it
if you had seen it.
51
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,155
Oh, for crying out loud!
52
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:53,150
Your mother just stood up
and stroked me father's hair.
53
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,079
She probably put itching powder in it.
54
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,590
There you go, summer breeze.
55
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:03,433
Now, she's just gone
and got him a drink.
56
00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:06,797
Billy, why can't you just accept
57
00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:10,191
that my mother, on occasion,
can be a caring, compassionate person?
58
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:11,350
I beg your pardon?
59
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,351
All right, maybe not caring
and compassionate
60
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,398
but at least not the conniving evil
witch you always make her out to be.
61
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,950
(GROANING)
62
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,672
- You bastard. You evil bastard!
- What?
63
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,393
Oh, what is going on?
64
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,917
Your mother just tried to poison me dad.
65
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,275
All's well with the world.
66
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,109
You know I can't take orange juice.
67
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:36,430
Breakfast cocktail, my arse.
68
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,031
JACQUELINE: Oh, I'm sorry, Liam.
69
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:45,791
I could've sworn I told you I was gonna
have a nap midday by the pool.
70
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:46,870
Yeah, you did.
71
00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:48,270
Are you okay?
72
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,152
Do you want some help opening the salon?
73
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,032
Yeah, have you got a pneumatic drill?
74
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,313
Oh, I've got something very similar
in me room.
75
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:59,030
But you might want to run it
under a tap first.
76
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,117
Oh! Liam!
77
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,390
The door's disappeared.
78
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:07,590
LIAM: I know.
79
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:11,156
(GASPS) oh, I think
I know what's happened.
80
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:14,392
- Go on.
- I don't think the door's disappeared,
81
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:18,309
I think someone
has bricked up the entrance.
82
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:19,720
It's a good job I rang you.
83
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:23,919
Well, I do have a kind of sixth sense
about these kind of things.
84
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:28,191
So, what do you think's going on there?
85
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:30,669
I don't have the answer
to that question, Jacqueline.
86
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:31,989
But I bet I know who does.
87
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:33,070
Temple-Savage.
88
00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:35,150
Wait for me.
89
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:38,717
I'm afraid I have no other choice
90
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:43,237
than to terminate your employment
at the Solana forthwith.
91
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,270
Considering your recent behaviour
92
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:50,358
you're lucky we're not bringing
legal action against you.
93
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:55,917
Any request for references will be
at the manager's sole discretion.
94
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:57,878
But Joyce, you are the manager.
95
00:04:58,440 --> 00:04:59,589
And my wife.
96
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:01,554
Couldn't you give me another chance?
97
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:02,630
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
98
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:04,389
Go away.
99
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:07,279
It's very important.
It's Liam from Blow & Go.
100
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:08,998
I'm busy.
Go away!
101
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:13,595
I'm sorry, Monty, you've had all
the chances I can possibly give you.
102
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,950
With no job, I've got no income.
103
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,396
My pride won't let me
live off your earnings.
104
00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:19,914
What about savings?
105
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:21,115
I didn't think you had any.
106
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,589
Not my savings, your savings.
107
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:25,119
What, my savings?
108
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,873
Do you know how much
that wedding cost me?
109
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,236
Oh, and what a triumph that was!
110
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:31,670
So.
111
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:33,435
You regret marrying me.
112
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:36,433
I don't regret marrying you, Monty.
113
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,477
I just don't see how
we can remain married
114
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,114
with you here destroying
my hotel's reputation.
115
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:42,910
Right.
116
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:43,990
That's it.
117
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,271
I don't need to stay here
to be insulted.
118
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,518
A man of my talents can walk into
any place and get a job.
119
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,398
Off you go, then.
120
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:58,193
You can stick your reference
where the monkey keeps his nuts.
121
00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:02,194
I'll get a job today
and it'll be without any help from you.
122
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,595
(DOOR CLOSES)
123
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:05,790
(DOOR OPENS)
124
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,679
You haven't got 20 euros, have you?
I don't think I've got any petrol.
125
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,910
Take it from reception.
126
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,191
Hi, I've got a great trip to Guadalest.
127
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:21,032
If you're interested, I'm in reception.
128
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,199
Morning handsome.
129
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,398
Bet you say that to all the boys.
130
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:29,471
No, only the handsome ones.
131
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,230
- You got a busy day?
- So-so.
132
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:33,594
(SIGHS) Day off tomorrow, though.
133
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,239
Fancy doing something?
134
00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,550
Oh, I've got an old workmate
coming over from Ibiza.
135
00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:38,755
But I can keep you posted.
136
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:40,239
I would suggest a double date.
137
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,516
But I'm not too sure
I want the responsibility
138
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:45,075
of giving your mate Callum
as a blind date.
139
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:46,989
It's a guy actually.
140
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,230
Oh, my bad. Definitely not, then.
141
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:50,674
Yeah. Angelo.
142
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:51,870
He's a D.J.
143
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:53,434
We used to go out back in the day.
144
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:54,794
But we're just mates now, though.
145
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,474
Right. So this is your ex?
146
00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,156
Technically, I suppose.
But you're cool with it, aren't you?
147
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,595
Oh, yeah. Yeah, man. Totally cool.
148
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,119
Yeah, ice cool.
149
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,119
Literally sub-zero, really, really cool.
150
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:08,190
(LAUGHS)
151
00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:12,516
- I mean, we're cool, aren't we?
- Yeah, of course, we're totally cool.
152
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:16,315
Uh, I hate to judge but yous two
sound like the most uncool people
153
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,549
on the face of the Earth.
154
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,395
Right, well. I'll catch you later.
155
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:21,790
Cool.
156
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:25,514
What the hell was that about?
157
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,238
Sam's got an ex coming over.
158
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:28,870
From Ibiza.
159
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:30,389
He's a D.J.
160
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:32,230
Called Angelo.
161
00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:35,400
Now he does sound cool.
162
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,638
LIAM: Well, she can't hide
in her office all day.
163
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:40,478
Meanwhile, I think you need a solicitor.
164
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:41,915
Morning!
165
00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,596
Don't suppose you could
squeeze me in today, can you?
166
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,637
I can't squeeze anybody in,
we've got no front door.
167
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,757
- Eh?
- Temple-Savage
168
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:51,713
has bricked up the entrance
to Blow & Go.
169
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,438
- She can't do that!
- She's done it.
170
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:54,919
Well, we think she's done it.
171
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,229
Who else can it be?
172
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:57,515
Hmm. Shame.
173
00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,069
Just when Kenneth and Temple-Savage
were starting to like each other.
174
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,549
Luckily, it's Kenneth's day off,
so he'll still be out from last night.
175
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,598
Well, if you need backup,
you know where I am.
176
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,159
- Thanks, Sam.
- Thanks, love.
177
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:11,031
Well, let's hope Kenneth surfaces soon.
178
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:13,989
KENNETH: Oh, me head.
179
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,672
(COUGHING)
180
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:18,790
(GROANS)
181
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:24,554
10:00 a.m. my arse.
182
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:26,239
Still the middle of the bloody night.
183
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,154
Cheap market rubbish.
184
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:45,353
Where exactly are you going again?
185
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,113
I told you, we're going for a walk.
186
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:48,634
A walk?
187
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:50,959
You are going for a walk?
188
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,872
I don't mind a nice walk.
189
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,957
As long as coffee and cake's involved.
190
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,429
Watch out for the coffee,
she tried to poison you once today.
191
00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,080
- A misunderstanding.
- Mm.
192
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,069
Do you want anything bringing
from off compound?
193
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:04,355
No, we're fine, thank you.
194
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:07,671
Just come back arguing and we'll feel
the world has somehow corrected itself
195
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:10,036
from all this madness.
196
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,236
Life's too short to bear a grudge.
197
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,910
I'm surprised you've not learnt that
after 25 years of marriage.
198
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:16,990
A-ha!
199
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,069
- I know what you're up to.
- What are they up to?
200
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,037
- I've worked it out.
- What have you worked out?
201
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,431
You almost got away with it,
but that last sentence gave you away.
202
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,591
Could you stop talking
like Velma from Scooby-Doo
203
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:28,875
and just tell me what's going on?
204
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,598
"Twenty-five years"!
205
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:34,595
They're organising a surprise party
for our silver wedding anniversary.
206
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,149
BILLY: Oh, thank God for that.
207
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,595
I was starting to think
you actually liked each other.
208
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,239
- No we're not.
- Eh?
209
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,709
We're not organising you a party.
Are we?
210
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:44,995
No, no, we're not.
211
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:46,349
Did you want a party?
212
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,790
- I didn't think you liked parties.
- I don't.
213
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:49,915
EDDIE: Well there you go, then.
214
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,354
I like parties.
215
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,033
Do you want us to help you organise one?
216
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:55,479
(SIGHS) No.
217
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,514
It's too much faffing about.
218
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,876
Anyway, we don't land
till 7:00 tomorrow.
219
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,311
Well, there you are, then.
Right. We're off. See you later.
220
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,592
- All right. Bye.
- See you later.
221
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:07,799
That were a close one.
222
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,757
I think we got away with it.
223
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:11,559
One beer and one orange juice.
224
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:12,630
Cheers, man.
225
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:15,269
So listen.
226
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,309
I've not mentioned it
up till now because...
227
00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:21,353
I guess it's a delicate subject but...
228
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:24,439
Are you in a recovery programme?
229
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:25,874
Are you joking bruv?
230
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,109
I don't even have a car.
231
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,670
No. Are you in a recovery programme for,
232
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:34,837
you know, something else?
233
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,234
Like a motorbike?
234
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:37,310
For Christ's sake.
235
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,710
I'm not talking about the bloody RAC.
236
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,114
Oh, sorry.
237
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,032
I'm talking about AA.
238
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,440
I thought they were the same,
239
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,875
apart from one has a yellow badge
and the other one has a blue...
240
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,997
Alcoholics Anonymous.
241
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,229
Are you an alcoholic?
242
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:51,469
Of course not.
243
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:54,154
It's just that alcohol
doesn't agree with me.
244
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:57,636
Joey, alcohol doesn't agree with anyone.
245
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,233
Get this man a beer.
246
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,277
When I say it doesn't agree with me,
247
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:05,194
I mean
it makes me do these horrible eggy farts
248
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:07,510
that make my clothes stink for days.
249
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,114
He'll stick with the orange juice.
250
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,635
So, what's going on with Sam the Eagle?
251
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:15,309
Who's Sam the Eagle?
252
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:16,390
Your Sam.
253
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,919
Why do you call her Sam the Eagle?
254
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,709
Because her name is Sam
and she's a massive, scary bird.
255
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,791
- Very funny.
- I thought so.
256
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:25,870
She's not massive.
257
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:28,798
And she's not my Sam.
258
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:30,830
We're just friends.
259
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:32,069
Friends with benefits.
260
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,357
She's not on benefit, she works here.
261
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,829
Friends with benefits,
as in she's not your girl,
262
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:38,957
but you get all the benefits
and none of the headache.
263
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,396
- I know. I get it.
- I know you do.
264
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:44,154
Sometimes twice a day.
I mean, the woman is insatiable.
265
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,635
Yeah, well,
probably not for much longer.
266
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:48,194
Her ex arrives tomorrow.
267
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:49,710
Oh, aye.
268
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,191
Angelo, the D.J. from Ibiza.
269
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:55,798
You've got absolutely no chance
up against him, mate.
270
00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,320
But look on the bright side.
271
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:02,916
For a guy who likes big older birds,
you're practically in Disneyland.
272
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:07,597
I mean, you can't move for big, fat,
middle-aged women in Benidorm.
273
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,553
I mean, you literally can't move...
274
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:11,789
Will you just shut up?
275
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,078
You don't get it, do you?
276
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:18,518
It's not about liking someone
who's big or small or short or tall.
277
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:21,233
It's about a connection.
278
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:22,919
It goes past the physical.
279
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,229
A meeting of minds.
280
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:26,789
Not that you'd know.
281
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,318
Christ, where'd she arrange
to meet his mind?
282
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,710
Must've been like looking
for "Where's Wally". (CHUCKLES)
283
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:37,189
He's the one who's been
getting laid all week.
284
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:38,600
Who's the Wally now?
285
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,757
How many times do I have to tell you?
286
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:45,558
As soon as I hear from head office
287
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,790
about this latest phase
of building work,
288
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,154
I'll be in touch.
289
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,436
Latest phase of building work?
You bricked up our salon.
290
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,477
I have not bricked up your salon.
291
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,995
Is this your hotel or not?
292
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:59,551
I have said
all I am willing to say on the subject.
293
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,280
Maybe I should call Crystal
and find out what's going on.
294
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,318
Maybe you should mind your own business.
295
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:11,909
She's gone mad.
Absolutely stark raving mad.
296
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,631
Hey, what happened to Blow & Go?
297
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,837
It has blown and gone, no?
298
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,038
Mateo, the salon hasn't blown away,
it's been bricked up.
299
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:22,314
Is what I am saying.
300
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,311
Why can't you people
not be taking a joke?
301
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,155
Right, I think it's time we got
some legal representation.
302
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,590
Ooh, that's sounds expensive.
303
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,956
It's all right.
I know a fella who knows a fella.
304
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,400
Right, okay.
305
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:35,990
Hang on.
306
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,192
Does either of these fellas
know a solicitor?
307
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:42,273
- Yeah.
- Oh, good.
308
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,712
- See you later.
- Good luck.
309
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:51,234
- Do you know anything about this?
- Yes, of course.
310
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,358
Head Office consulate me about
everything that goes on in this hotel.
311
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:55,839
Do they?
312
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,314
No.
Of course, they do not.
313
00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:00,398
I spend my days watering down vodka
and mopping vomit.
314
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:01,879
All right, keep your wig on.
315
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,718
You've got to admit, though,
it's not normal.
316
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:04,915
This is Benidorm.
317
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,638
When was the last time
you see anything normal?
318
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,472
Well, I'm gonna find out
what's going on.
319
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:09,749
Hurray for you.
320
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,674
Let me know when you have done this
and I will be giving you the clap.
321
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,195
In your dreams.
322
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:21,670
SHERON: I might have a dip.
323
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,274
You just had an hot dog.
324
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:24,830
A dip in the...
325
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:26,150
(EXASPERATED)
326
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:28,510
(SCREAMS)
327
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:40,356
Maybe we should do something
for our anniversary.
328
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:42,669
We probably could have done
329
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:44,751
if you hadn't have booked our flights
for tomorrow.
330
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,035
So it's my fault.
331
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:50,154
Could go the Red Fez?
332
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,116
Are you offering to take me
to a kebab shop
333
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,998
for our 25th wedding anniversary?
334
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:58,549
It's not a kebab shop,
it's a Turkish restaurant.
335
00:14:58,640 --> 00:14:59,914
It's a kebab shop.
336
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,071
You try telling Abdul that,
he'll be very upset.
337
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,919
Abdul won't be upset
because I won't be telling him that.
338
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,118
Because I will not be going to his
kebab shop for our anniversary.
339
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:12,349
I could just eat that now.
340
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:16,832
Bit of humorous, bit of that tombola,
341
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,593
couple of them dogmas.
342
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:21,070
Bit of, um, click-clack, er...
343
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,873
What do you call that yogurt stuff?
344
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,229
I have no idea.
345
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:26,630
It's a bit like Spanish tapas, isn't it?
But with, um...
346
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,279
Words you can't pronounce?
347
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:32,554
Oh, we could go to The Grange.
348
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,836
Why the bloody hell
would you want to go there for?
349
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:37,355
Why the bloody hell
would you want to go to the Red Fez?
350
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,317
Because it's cheap, it's local.
351
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:42,392
Did it ever cross your mind
that I might not want cheap and local?
352
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:44,758
The Grange is 20 minutes away,
353
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:46,797
which means it's too pricey
for a cab there and back,
354
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,314
which means one of us can't drink.
355
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,277
We could get a room there for the night.
356
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:56,354
At The Grange?
Are you out of your tiny mind?
357
00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,594
I mean... (CLEARS THROAT)
358
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,674
What I mean is, you know,
what's the point
359
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,799
of paying to stay somewhere that's
20 minutes away from your own bed?
360
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:08,157
There's nowt like your own bed, is there?
361
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,796
That's, that's what I meant.
362
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,917
That's...all I meant.
363
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,430
Right. Well, I am having a party.
364
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,158
We are having a party.
365
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:19,719
What? In the house?
366
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,950
- No, not in the house.
- Oh, at the Red Fez?
367
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:25,679
Or somewhere, somewhere else.
368
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,593
- What are you doing?
- Making a list.
369
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,075
- A list?
- Of people to invite.
370
00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:33,949
Not too many, eh?
371
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:38,756
No, I mean, you wouldn't want to be
crowded out on our anniversary.
372
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:39,830
Would you?
373
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:44,354
(GROANING)
374
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:50,470
(GROANS)
375
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:52,549
Bloody hell.
376
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,469
What' s going on?
377
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,718
Feel like I've slept for days.
378
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,270
(GROANING)
379
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:09,715
(RUMBLING)
380
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,320
For God's sake.
381
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:15,758
(RUMBLING)
382
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,355
What's bloody going on?
383
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:38,316
I've got a feeling them tablets Flaming
Moe gave me at the Mardi Gras last night
384
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:39,799
weren't Pro-Plus after all.
385
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,472
(SCREAMS)
386
00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,959
All right, don't panic, Kenneth.
387
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,070
Stay calm.
388
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,712
There's a perfectly simple
explanation for this.
389
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,358
Temple-Savage.
390
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,439
She's finally done what she's been
threatening to do for years
391
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:15,510
and shut us down
392
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,830
by bricking up the salon
393
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:23,159
and turning off the water supply
so I die a slow and lonely death.
394
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:25,389
Oh, wake up.
395
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,551
Wake up! Wake up!
396
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:36,990
No!
397
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:38,434
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
398
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,069
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
399
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:44,150
Did you hear that?
400
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,350
Hear what?
401
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:46,430
I don't know.
402
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:47,750
A noise.
403
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,111
Like somebody shouting
404
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:51,720
or screaming.
405
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:53,394
- No.
- Oh.
406
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:55,750
Well...
407
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,038
Four sailors from Cockermouth
crammed into a family room.
408
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:01,278
We've only ourselves to blame.
409
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:02,555
Turn the music up.
410
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,589
(PLEASE RELEASE ME PLAYING LOUDLY)
411
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,876
(SCREAMING)
412
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,553
WU: Okay, well if you've got no pork,
what have you got?
413
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:25,630
Lobster?
414
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,718
Are you trying to deep-fry my balls?
415
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,874
I'm in Benidorm, not Las flipping Vegas.
416
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,150
What else have you got?
417
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,754
What kind of curd?
418
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,029
Bean curd?
419
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,597
I don't care what it's been,
what is it now?
420
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,439
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
421
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,478
Do you get it? Bean curd.
422
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,392
I don't care what it's been,
what is it now?
423
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:50,555
Hello?
424
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:51,630
Hello?
425
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:52,710
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
426
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:54,871
Come in.
(DOOR OPENS)
427
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:56,874
Monkey Stains.
428
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:58,794
Monty Staines!
429
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,236
Monty, take a seat.
430
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:03,874
How is married life?
431
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,197
- Bloody awful.
- Tell me about it.
432
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:08,630
You know, my wife is so fat,
433
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,838
when she sit around the house,
she really sit around...
434
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,389
I'm sorry, Mr Wu,
I haven't got time for all that.
435
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:15,630
Oh, really?
436
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,669
You know,
there is an old Chinese saying,
437
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:22,198
"The man who has no time
for laughter in his life
438
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:23,873
"get no job from Mr Wu."
439
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:25,952
And just how old is that saying?
440
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,236
Well, you said on the phone
you looking for job, innit?
441
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,995
Yes. And you said you may have
an appropriate position vacant.
442
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,754
So can we please dispense
with the Christmas cracker jokes
443
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:36,114
and the fortune cookie proverbs?
444
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:39,113
Hey, check yourself
before you wreck yourself.
445
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,837
Coming in here like John Wayne
is big leggy.
446
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,116
- I'm sorry?
- Apology accepted.
447
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:49,190
Okay, here at Mr Wu,
we have four type of waiters.
448
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:52,309
The experienced waiters
are group A but...
449
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:53,390
Hang on a minute.
450
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:56,552
A waiter? In a Chinese restaurant? Me?
451
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,677
Well, I haven't got
any other type of restaurant.
452
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:02,390
I meant a job appropriate
for a man of my standing.
453
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,591
Oh, yeah, there lots of standing.
454
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:06,996
If you like standing,
you should enjoy it here.
455
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:10,310
I'm sorry, Mr Wu,
456
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,553
but, clearly, I'm wasting my time
and yours.
457
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,119
Wait, where are you going?
458
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:16,759
This is perfect job for you.
459
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:18,114
How do you work that out?
460
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,113
Because we got chips and rice.
461
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,751
Chips and rice!
462
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,189
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
463
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:28,910
Absolutely deranged.
464
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,190
(KNOCKING)
465
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,194
Password. Joyce's password.
466
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:45,550
"Solana".
467
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:46,994
(COMPUTER CHIMES) Oh.
468
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:48,309
"Monty".
469
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,198
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
470
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:55,070
Joyce's date of birth, 1935?
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
471
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,549
Hmm, 56.
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
472
00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,153
- Seven?
- JOYCE: (OUTSIDE DOOR) What is it?
473
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,678
Oh, yes, yes, yes, I'm coming.
474
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:03,074
I just forgot to lock the door.
475
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:04,595
(LOCK CLICKING)
476
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:05,909
Oh, shit!
477
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:07,870
Come on.
478
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:10,035
(WHIMPERS)
479
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,110
(GRUNTS)
480
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:14,149
Six chargers.
481
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:18,953
Six phone chargers,
not one of them fits my bloody phone.
482
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,477
(SOBBING)
483
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:24,310
Come on, Kenneth.
484
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,950
Think. Think.
485
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:29,993
What would Bear Grylls do?
486
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:33,639
Fire, fire.
487
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,234
He'd make a fire.
488
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:36,390
Make a fire.
489
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,633
Yes. Yes. Make a fire.
490
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,833
(SOBBING)
491
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:53,560
What are you doing?
492
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:58,080
You're stranded in a unisex hair salon,
493
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,151
not a frigging desert island.
494
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:01,554
(SOBBING)
495
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:04,992
I'm buried alive.
496
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,039
Oh, what's happening?
497
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,394
What are they doing?
498
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,512
I swear on my mother's grave,
499
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:19,036
if this is some
sort of practical joke, Liam,
500
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:23,555
I'll cut off your balls and make them
into a pair of ginger clackers!
501
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,159
(SOBBING)
502
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:32,549
(MOBILE VIBRATING)
503
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:35,275
Montgomery Staines.
504
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,759
Uh, no, that's my name.
505
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:41,599
Yeah, Monty, that's me
506
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:43,990
Can I ask who's calling?
507
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:46,599
Oh, Benidorm Palace.
508
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,116
Ah, so you do have vacancies?
509
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:51,310
Uh...
510
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:54,230
How tall am I?
511
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,751
Well, 6' 1 " on a good day. (CHUCKLES)
512
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,389
Yeah, uh, how old?
513
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,069
Uh, what's your upper age limit?
514
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,593
Oh. (CLEARS THROAT)
515
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,150
Well, depends how good your lighting is.
516
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:09,914
Will you go away? Uh, no, not you.
517
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:11,030
(STAMMERING)
518
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:12,673
Look, just hold on a minute, will you?
519
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:14,479
Please, sir, I ain't got owt.
520
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,473
Anything you got'll do, boss.
521
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:18,640
Now, piss off.
522
00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:20,353
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
523
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:21,800
- It's okay. It's all right.
- Thank you.
524
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:23,791
- For God's sake.
- Thank you.
525
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,997
Uh, yes, sorry about that.
526
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,799
So what was
the exact position available?
527
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,318
Principal Male Dancer?
528
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:35,915
I'll ring you back.
529
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:38,150
(SIGHS)
530
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:43,150
Bloody hell.
531
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,110
A Euro goes a lot further
than it used to.
532
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:49,477
Ah, hello, Sir Henry?
533
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,312
Montgomery Staines here.
534
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:52,790
Yeah, Monty.
535
00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:54,350
Yeah, fine.
536
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:55,795
Fine. How are you?
537
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:57,270
Uh, good.
538
00:24:57,360 --> 00:25:01,354
Listen, I was just in the area
and I thought I might pop by.
539
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:02,430
(CHUCKLES)
540
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:08,272
Uh, yeah, sorry.
541
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:09,635
Yeah, good, good.
542
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,151
I'll see you in about ten minutes.
543
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,118
(SITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
544
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:29,509
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
545
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:31,190
Enter.
546
00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:32,270
(DOOR OPENS)
547
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:38,313
Have I come at a bad time?
548
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,199
Not at all.
549
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:41,270
Come in. Take a seat.
550
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:43,438
I didn't get you out of bed, did I?
551
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:47,198
Uh, no.
I've just had my post-lunch Tai-Chi.
552
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:48,795
Have you ever tried it?
553
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:50,752
Not for me, thanks.
I've just had a sausage roll.
554
00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:53,475
Please.
555
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:54,550
(MUSIC STOPS)
556
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:02,470
So, how can I help you?
557
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:05,279
Not looking for a loophole
in the marriage contract, are you?
558
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:06,350
I beg your pardon?
559
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:07,430
Just a joke.
560
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,075
Now, listen, Henry,
561
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:13,074
it's hardly a secret you're still
carrying a torch for Joyce.
562
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:15,276
But things have changed, my friend.
563
00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:17,476
Joyce is now my wife.
564
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:18,909
Yes, I know.
565
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:20,149
I married you both.
566
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,277
I am well aware of that, thank you.
567
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:25,591
I am also aware that Joyce,
for some bizarre reason,
568
00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:27,193
still has a soft spot for you.
569
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:28,680
- She does?
- Yes.
570
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:30,034
God knows why.
571
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:34,354
So I feel it's my duty to warn you
I am not a man to be trifled with.
572
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:35,555
Do you understand?
573
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:39,516
I said, do you understand?
574
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,238
Oh, yes, of course.
575
00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:44,199
And I appreciate the information.
576
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:46,670
About the trifle.
577
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:50,950
I mean, you not being trifled with.
578
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:52,790
Thank you.
579
00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:53,870
(CLEARS THROAT)
580
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:56,995
Was there anything else?
581
00:26:57,800 --> 00:26:58,790
Uh...
582
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:00,949
Yes.
583
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,992
You don't have any jobs
around here, do you?
584
00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:06,315
No.
585
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:09,913
I think I asked those questions
in the wrong order, didn't I?
586
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,357
Yes. Well, I'll see myself out.
587
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:14,993
Actually, wait a moment.
588
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,074
We do have a vacancy.
589
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:18,759
But it's only part time.
590
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:19,830
Three days a week.
591
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:22,153
Well, it's better than nothing.
592
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:23,749
What is it?
593
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:25,797
Consulate Airport Liaison Officer.
594
00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:27,594
Oh, in Alicante?
595
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,035
- In Luton.
- Luton?
596
00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:32,236
Why would I want a job in bloody Luton?
597
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,231
You'd only be away from home
three days a week
598
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,198
and you said yourself you need a job.
599
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,351
Yes, I know. But Luton!
600
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:39,470
Fine.
601
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,637
Close the door on your way out,
there's a good chap.
602
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,279
(SITAR MUSIC RESUMES)
603
00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:48,350
(SIGHS)
604
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:57,798
You do know your desk is on fire,
don't you?
605
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:00,235
(DOOR CLOSES)
606
00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:01,310
Bugger!
607
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:02,875
Oh, sorry.
608
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:04,510
Lo siento.
609
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:05,590
(CHUCKLES)
610
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:06,875
(MOBILE VIBRATING)
611
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:08,230
(SIGHS)
612
00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:11,150
Monty Staines.
613
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:13,350
Hello?
614
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:15,955
Oh, Mr Wu.
615
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:18,470
Yes.
616
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:21,116
Yes, I am still looking
but I told you that...
617
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:23,830
Ma�tre D?
618
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:26,074
Oh, yes.
619
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:27,880
Yes, I would be interested.
620
00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:31,110
Tonight?
621
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:33,915
Absolutely.
622
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:38,674
Ma�tre D.
623
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:41,116
Better get the old
pinstripe dry-cleaned.
624
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:43,910
As you were. (CLEARS THROAT)
625
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:48,838
(INAUDIBLE)
626
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:53,831
(MUFFLED STRIPTEASE MUSIC
PLAYING THROUGH WALL)
627
00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:59,111
I'm frigged if I'm supposed to know
628
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:01,874
where she hides all the shite
on me desk.
629
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:09,230
Sorry.
630
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:11,234
Did you two want a drink?
631
00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:14,239
'Cause if you did, you've shit out.
632
00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:16,755
I'm more likely to find
Lord bastard Lucan
633
00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:19,878
than a box of Ty-Phoo
amongst all this shit.
634
00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:21,434
Right, let's have a look down here.
635
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:24,269
Mr Smallcock?
636
00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:26,271
Oh, please, call me Winter.
637
00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:27,794
Your name's Winter?
638
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:29,279
Winter Smallcock?
639
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:31,073
Yeah, can you frigging believe it?
640
00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:34,993
Have you ever heard a mother
name her son bloody Winter?
641
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:38,149
She always said if she had a daughter,
she'd call her Summer.
642
00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:40,597
Do you know
what my two brothers are called?
643
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:41,875
Autumn and Spring?
644
00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:44,110
No. Eric and fucking Barry.
645
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,553
Why is it always me
to get the shit end of the stick?
646
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,840
Right. What have you come round for?
647
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:52,910
Dog licence?
648
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,879
No, we've told you.
This is a property disagreement.
649
00:29:56,000 --> 00:30:00,756
I rent a hair salon in the hotel Solana
in the new town.
650
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:02,513
Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember now.
651
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:05,393
The manager's bricked up
your front door, that's right.
652
00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:08,231
Mad bastard. I tell you, these Spanish,
653
00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:10,311
they don't give a shit
when they're rattled.
654
00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:12,914
- She's English.
- Oh, they're even worse.
655
00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:14,958
Hang on. I've got something.
656
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:21,110
Right.
657
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:22,869
Got it.
Let's have a look.
658
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:25,272
Can't be that frigging difficult.
659
00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:28,916
I'm sorry.
My friend told us you were a solicitor.
660
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:31,958
Yeah. Well, I do a bit of everything,
to be honest.
661
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:33,553
Well, Christ on a bike,
662
00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:35,478
you've got to
these frigging days, haven't you?
663
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:39,394
Um, isn't that book about English law?
664
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:42,393
We need Spanish property law.
665
00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:45,677
Bollocks to that. I tried to enrol
on a Spanish law course,
666
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:47,797
but they wouldn't have me
because of the fucking language.
667
00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:49,712
Oh, you mean all the swearing?
668
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:51,712
No, I mean
because I don't speak Spanish.
669
00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,314
- (MOBILE VIBRATING)
- Oh, sorry.
670
00:30:57,400 --> 00:31:00,199
Hey, Sam, can I ring you back?
We're just getting some legal advice.
671
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:01,995
Well, advice.
672
00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:05,275
Well, what's happened?
673
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:06,870
What?
674
00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:10,431
Oh, my God. How did you manage that?
Right. We're coming back right now.
675
00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:13,240
Sorry, we have to go.
Sam's got locked in Joyce's office.
676
00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:16,039
Hey, does your mate need a locksmith?
I've got a book on that.
677
00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:17,110
(STAMMERING)
678
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:19,390
Come on!
679
00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:24,079
Where the frig are you going?
680
00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:25,470
Bastards!
681
00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:36,592
SAM: Hurry up.
I've been in here ages.
682
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:38,671
Eh, is not my fault.
683
00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:43,077
(GRUNTS) Is no good.
I cannot unlock the door.
684
00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:44,514
And Jesus will be on his siesta.
685
00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:46,352
Just smash the door down!
686
00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:49,512
Of course I got the brief
about the building work,
687
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:52,160
but at no point was I told
688
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:55,358
that they were going to brick up
the entrance to Blow & Go.
689
00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:56,760
(SAM AND MATEO SHOUTING)
690
00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:58,399
Blow & Go.
691
00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:01,078
It's the hair salon in reception.
692
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:06,354
I can't ask the builder this,
they're not here.
693
00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:09,914
SAM: Just break the frigging door down!
694
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:13,118
Sorry, Crystal. Urn, shouting?
No, no. Not this end.
695
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:16,870
Well, I think maybe there's interference
on the line.
696
00:32:17,240 --> 00:32:19,231
Yes, you know the Spanish mobiles.
697
00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:20,879
(MAKES CRACKLING SOUND)
698
00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:23,037
(SAM AND MATEO CONTINUE SHOUTING)
699
00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:32,315
SAM: Just hurry up!
700
00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:33,630
Okay.
701
00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:36,751
- Move away from the door.
- What?
702
00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:38,913
(SAM SCREAMS)
703
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:42,993
(BOTH GASPING)
704
00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:45,319
What on earth's going on?
705
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:47,311
JOYCE! Oh, Joyce.
706
00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:49,789
Oh, oh, my God!
707
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:51,837
(SOBBING)
708
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:53,917
Uh, are you all right?
What's happened?
709
00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:56,674
We heard you screaming.
710
00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:59,037
We thought you'd locked yourself
in the office.
711
00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:01,632
We were so worried about you.
712
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:03,791
You were worried about me?
713
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:07,874
Yeah. It's just that I was once locked
in an office.
714
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:10,475
I mean, not today, years ago.
715
00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:12,995
And I remember being so terrified.
716
00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:15,037
It brought back such terrible memories
717
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:18,954
that I told Mateo that we had
to break down the door and get you out.
718
00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:21,160
But I wasn't in my office.
719
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:23,197
Yeah, well, we know that now
720
00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:28,878
and I realise it must've been someone
outside near the pool messing about.
721
00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:31,474
The screams must've come
through the wall.
722
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:34,915
I can't hear anyone.
723
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:37,594
Oh, thank God the screaming stopped.
724
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:41,429
Oh, it brought back such memories,
such traumatic memories.
725
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:43,033
(MOCK SOBBING)
726
00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:47,394
Go get yourself a drink.
727
00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:50,397
Thank you, thank you, Joyce.
728
00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:52,629
Mateo, go with her.
729
00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:54,040
Yes, Mrs Temple-Savage.
730
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:56,111
And get somebody who can fix this door.
731
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:57,634
Yes, Mrs Temple-Savage.
732
00:34:09,240 --> 00:34:10,230
Britney.
733
00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:13,190
Oh.
734
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:14,750
Britney.
735
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:25,473
Oh, Britney.
736
00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:31,195
Thank God for our conversations.
737
00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:37,750
Without them,
738
00:34:38,800 --> 00:34:40,598
I don't know what I'd do.
739
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:44,912
I'd probably go mad.
740
00:34:48,240 --> 00:34:50,470
A room full of sadness
741
00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:53,877
A broken heart
742
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:57,870
And only me to blame
743
00:34:59,240 --> 00:35:01,800
For every single part
744
00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:04,872
No science or religion...
745
00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:10,155
I'm so proud of you Monty.
746
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:11,953
Stop fussing, Joyce.
747
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:14,395
It's only a Ma�tre D
in a Chinese restaurant.
748
00:35:14,520 --> 00:35:17,114
No, it's much more than that.
749
00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:18,230
What do you mean?
750
00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:21,279
I can be honest now,
Monty, now you're working.
751
00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:24,910
I genuinely thought
it was the end of you and me.
752
00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:27,151
The end? We only got married a week ago.
753
00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:29,920
Exactly, and already it was obvious
754
00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:33,119
that without a job,
you had no self-worth,
755
00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:35,191
no sense of purpose.
756
00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:37,715
I had no job because you sacked me.
757
00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:40,633
We can't live
in each other's pockets, Monty.
758
00:35:40,720 --> 00:35:45,874
Believe me, you earning an honest wage
and contributing to our income
759
00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:48,318
is the only way forward.
760
00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:51,156
Oh, and I know what you're gonna say,
761
00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:53,715
but I need to borrow another 20 euros.
762
00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:56,360
I was mugged by a beggar.
It's a long story.
763
00:35:57,080 --> 00:36:01,313
Take 50 euros out of the red box
764
00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:02,993
behind reception.
765
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:09,592
Oof, my working man.
766
00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:27,075
What's that, Britney?
767
00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:29,395
You want me to do what?
768
00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:32,755
Well, if you're absolutely sure.
769
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:35,315
(CLIPPERS WHIRRING)
770
00:36:59,720 --> 00:37:04,157
Fly high... Let me go.
771
00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:06,438
Okay, thanks a lot, Trish.
772
00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:09,359
Well, if you hear from him,
give me a ring, okay? Cheers.
773
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:11,435
No joy?
774
00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:13,671
No. Phoned the Peppermint,
the Pink Trombone,
775
00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:15,910
Palladium Jack, Baz and Gaz,
776
00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:17,991
Flash Harry and Moe and Lezzy Trish
777
00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:19,679
and nobody's seen Kenneth
since last night.
778
00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:24,152
Well, if he's never disappeared
for this length of time before,
779
00:37:24,240 --> 00:37:25,833
we should call the police.
780
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:28,355
Well, that's just it, he has.
Not often but he has done it before.
781
00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:30,915
Oh, well,
let's have another drink, then.
782
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:37,319
I can't believe it.
783
00:37:37,720 --> 00:37:40,473
Not one frigging biscuit
in the whole salon.
784
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,197
I have to eat something soon.
785
00:37:44,840 --> 00:37:47,195
I can literally feel meself fading away.
786
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:56,792
Fresa, Strawberry.
787
00:37:57,600 --> 00:37:58,999
It's got to have
some strawberries in it,
788
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:01,509
otherwise they couldn't
put it on the label.
789
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:03,150
Oh!
790
00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:06,919
Come on, Kenneth.
791
00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:11,670
If Katie Price can get her gob
round a kangaroo's anus,
792
00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:13,353
you can eat a bit of hair wax.
793
00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:17,998
But I have to, Britney.
794
00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:20,959
It could mean the difference
between life and death.
795
00:38:26,040 --> 00:38:29,590
Oh, Jesus.
What a time to start eating fruit.
796
00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:32,675
(GAGGING)
797
00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:40,793
Well, actually, that's not too bad.
798
00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:44,719
What other flavours have we got?
799
00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:51,440
Oh... Oh, God.
800
00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:53,272
What's happened to me?
801
00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:54,919
(SOBBING)
802
00:38:57,080 --> 00:38:58,639
I have to get out of here.
803
00:38:59,040 --> 00:39:00,439
I've gotta get out of here!
804
00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:04,396
Come on, Kenneth, think.
805
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:05,990
Think.
806
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:10,558
What would Jonathan Creek do?
807
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:15,356
So did you have a nice day out,
the pair of you?
808
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:18,640
Aye. It were nice to get out for a bit.
809
00:39:18,720 --> 00:39:21,360
After us coffees,
we went for a walk up prom.
810
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:22,914
You were gone all day.
811
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:25,230
You've still got four or five hours
unaccounted for.
812
00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:27,072
Oh, we must've walked five mile.
813
00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:29,197
We had to go for a lie-down
when we got back, didn't we?
814
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:31,999
Wahey, out for a bit,
then indoors for a bit, eh?
815
00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:35,357
Separate rooms.
Don't be disgusting.
816
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:37,756
Well, at least we did something
with our day
817
00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:39,797
and didn't just lie farting
on a sun bed.
818
00:39:39,920 --> 00:39:42,958
I'll have you know my wife
never farts before me.
819
00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:44,792
She always waits for her turn.
I thank you!
820
00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:48,160
More from the fabulous John-Paul later.
821
00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:51,193
But first, it's karaoke time.
822
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:54,511
Let's hear it for Billy and Sheron.
823
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:57,194
Right. Don't forget, you two,
we can still see you from the stage.
824
00:39:57,280 --> 00:40:00,113
It's like Bramley Baths in here, you can
get chucked out for heavy petting.
825
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:01,190
Come on.
826
00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:04,710
(I KNEW YOU WERE WAITING PLAYING)
827
00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:16,993
Did I tell you,
I've heard back from Dougie Taylor.
828
00:40:17,240 --> 00:40:19,959
It's all booked in, 150 quid.
829
00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:23,112
One hundred and fifty quid?
That's steep for the rugby club.
830
00:40:23,720 --> 00:40:25,631
That includes a stripper.
831
00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:29,511
Like a warrior that fights
832
00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:32,271
And wins the battle
833
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:35,320
I know the taste of victory
834
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:38,073
Though I went through some nights
835
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:41,357
Consumed by the shadows
836
00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:44,637
I was crippled emotionally
837
00:40:45,160 --> 00:40:49,438
Mmm, somehow I made it
through the darkness
838
00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:51,670
- Did you?
- Yes, I did
839
00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:55,113
- I escaped
- You escaped
840
00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:57,590
I found my way
out of the darkness...
841
00:40:57,840 --> 00:40:58,830
How are you feeling?
842
00:40:59,000 --> 00:40:59,990
I'm sorry?
843
00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:01,514
Well, you were quite upset earlier on.
844
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:04,672
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, I was.
845
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:05,750
Very much so.
846
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:07,518
I just wanted to say,
now I think about it,
847
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:11,912
I could've sworn I heard
some screaming earlier today.
848
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:13,149
- Really?
- Yes.
849
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:15,715
I had the drains checked a few years ago
850
00:41:15,800 --> 00:41:19,475
after repeatedly hearing
strange gurgling noises
851
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:20,595
from behind reception.
852
00:41:20,680 --> 00:41:22,159
Sewers backed up, were they?
853
00:41:22,240 --> 00:41:26,473
No. We finally worked out it was
Lesley's stomach rumbling before lunch.
854
00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:30,594
My point is it didn't sound
like it was coming from Lesley.
855
00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:32,635
I blame the accoustics.
856
00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:35,397
I blame Lesley's breakfast.
857
00:41:35,880 --> 00:41:37,757
Thanks, Mateo.
I think we got away with it.
858
00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:40,309
You got away with it, thanks to me.
859
00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:42,676
Yeah, I just said thanks.
860
00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:52,675
Oh, good evening, Mr Wu.
Where would you like me?
861
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:55,274
What you all dressed up
like a doggy dinner for?
862
00:41:56,200 --> 00:41:57,190
I beg your pardon?
863
00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:58,953
This is my best three-piece suit.
864
00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:01,031
Well, why are you wearing it
to come to work?
865
00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:05,000
Mr Wu, I don't mean to teach
my grandmother to suck prawn balls,
866
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:07,640
but you never get a second chance
to make a first impression.
867
00:42:07,720 --> 00:42:09,074
What are you talking about?
868
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:11,397
I didn't employ you to do impressions.
869
00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:13,950
Who you think you are?
Bobby Davros?
870
00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:15,678
No, you don't understand.
871
00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:18,599
Surely, my job is to set the tone
of the establishment.
872
00:42:18,680 --> 00:42:20,273
We got the tone already.
873
00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:22,636
Eat as much cheap food as you like
874
00:42:22,720 --> 00:42:24,358
and don't make a mess under the table.
875
00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:26,795
Then why on earth did you employ me
as a Ma�tre D?
876
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:28,791
- What?
- If you're happy
877
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:31,633
with the downmarket image
of people stuffing their faces
878
00:42:31,720 --> 00:42:33,518
and flicking fu-yung at each other,
879
00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:36,399
why did you call me
and offer me the job of Ma�tre D?
880
00:42:36,480 --> 00:42:39,279
I offer you job of Waiter D.
881
00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:41,073
- What?
- We got Waiter A,
882
00:42:41,200 --> 00:42:42,520
who takes the drink orders.
883
00:42:43,200 --> 00:42:45,874
Waiter B and C top up the buffet.
884
00:42:46,720 --> 00:42:48,950
You start as Waiter D,
885
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:52,439
the one who take the dirty plates
to the kitchen.
886
00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:54,915
Waiter D.
887
00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:57,470
Not Ma�tre D, Waiter D.
888
00:42:58,440 --> 00:42:59,999
I don't think you need me, Mr Wu.
889
00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:04,309
You seem to be creating exactly
the right impression without me.
890
00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:05,390
Hmm.
891
00:43:06,200 --> 00:43:07,918
It's close to midnight
892
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:11,197
And something evil's lurking
in the dark...
893
00:43:13,600 --> 00:43:16,240
- How'd you get on today?
- Not great.
894
00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:19,279
I wouldn't recommend the solicitor.
895
00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:20,634
No?
896
00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:23,269
No, not unless you just want
to tell someone to get f...
897
00:43:23,360 --> 00:43:25,476
More to the point,
we still haven't found Kenneth.
898
00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:27,039
Well, it is his day off, isn't it?
899
00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:30,351
He'll surface at some point
between tonight and tomorrow morning.
900
00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:32,233
How did you get locked
in Joyce's office?
901
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:33,509
Long story.
902
00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:34,795
When she found me in there,
903
00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:37,952
I had to tell her I'd been hearing
screaming voices from inside her office
904
00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:39,917
-and had to break in.
- Oh, heck!
905
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:41,115
But here's the best bit,
906
00:43:41,200 --> 00:43:43,999
she said she heard screaming
from behind reception as well.
907
00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:46,151
Silly old bag's going mad.
908
00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:47,709
- Screaming?
- Yeah.
909
00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:49,279
- Behind reception?
- Yeah.
910
00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:51,237
You mean, she's been hearing
screaming from behind reception?
911
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:52,390
The reception that backs on to Blow & Go?
912
00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:54,915
He would've phoned from his mobile.
913
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:58,118
How often does Kenneth lose his phone
on a big night out?
914
00:43:58,280 --> 00:43:59,395
Almost everytime.
915
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:01,310
- Shit!
- Oh!
916
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:02,790
Come on!
917
00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:07,636
- Where are you going?
- Kenneth's buried alive in Blow & Go!
918
00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:12,955
Your eyes and hope that
this is just imagination...
919
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:14,998
(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)
920
00:44:16,120 --> 00:44:17,599
LIAM: It's okay, Kenneth, we're in!
921
00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:19,432
My God, look at the place.
922
00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:21,756
MATEO: Madre mia,
he must have gone crazy.
923
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:22,910
But where is he?
924
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:25,037
Kenneth? Kenneth?
925
00:44:26,760 --> 00:44:27,750
He's not in here.
926
00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:32,790
Oh, it makes no sense.
He can't have disappeared into thin air.
927
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:34,279
Maybe he's tunnelled his way out.
928
00:44:34,640 --> 00:44:35,630
So where's the tunnel?
929
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:40,751
Have none of you seen
The Shawshank Redemption?
930
00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:46,470
Ooh.
931
00:44:46,920 --> 00:44:48,877
(SCREAMS) Me hand!
932
00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:51,389
- I think I've broken me hand!
- What are you doing?
933
00:44:51,520 --> 00:44:54,319
I thought there'd be
a big hole behind Tom Daley.
934
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:56,589
There's no answer to that.
935
00:44:56,760 --> 00:45:00,196
Wait, look.
This air vent's been opened.
936
00:45:00,840 --> 00:45:02,797
(CHUCKLES) He'd have never
got through there.
937
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:05,394
It would've been a tight squeeze.
938
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:06,754
Where does it lead to?
939
00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:08,633
I've absolutely no idea.
940
00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:16,156
Sir Henry, I just wanted to call
to apologise for earlier today.
941
00:45:16,240 --> 00:45:17,753
I see.
942
00:45:17,840 --> 00:45:20,195
And to say that
I've reconsidered your offer.
943
00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:22,237
Oh, you have?
944
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:23,719
If it's still on the table.
945
00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:26,599
- Of course.
- Oh, that's wonderful news.
946
00:45:27,080 --> 00:45:28,400
Well, it's good news.
947
00:45:29,120 --> 00:45:31,396
After all, what's three days away
out of seven, eh?
948
00:45:31,880 --> 00:45:34,713
They say "Absence makes the heart
grow fonder", don't they?
949
00:45:34,960 --> 00:45:36,109
- Quite.
- Yeah.
950
00:45:36,280 --> 00:45:39,193
I'll call you tomorrow.
951
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:43,840
Adi�s, Monty.
952
00:45:43,920 --> 00:45:46,480
Thriller night and
no one's gonna save you
953
00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:48,710
From the beast about to strike
954
00:45:48,840 --> 00:45:49,830
(SCREAMS)
955
00:45:49,920 --> 00:45:51,513
(ALL SCREAMING)
956
00:45:56,400 --> 00:45:58,152
Well, don't just sit there.
957
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:00,476
Someone get me a bloody pint!
958
00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:03,074
I'm gasping! (WAILING)
959
00:46:04,520 --> 00:46:06,431
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
69082
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