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1
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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
2
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Morning love.
3
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Are you joining us?
4
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:41,714
No. No.
5
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I'm going for a walk, to clear me head.
6
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- Where's Cyd?
- She's still in bed.
7
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Didn't get much sleep last night.
8
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(LAUGHING) Go on, my son.
9
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- Do you have to?
- What?
10
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:57,509
She didn't get much sleep
11
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because she's worried about
her dad arriving this morning.
12
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But not as much as I am.
13
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,118
Oh, you'll be fine.
14
00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:05,795
Yeah.
15
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Not me I'm worried about.
16
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See you later.
17
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SHERON: Well, what's that
supposed to mean?
18
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He's acting like we'll all
embarrass him or something.
19
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Right.
20
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:21,672
Nobody embarrass Rob today
in front of Cyd's dad.
21
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,598
Cyd's dad, huh!
22
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I'm sorry, Mam. Is there something
you'd like to bring to the discussion?
23
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:32,118
There's no way
so-called Cyd's so-called dad
24
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is coming here this morning.
25
00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:35,479
And how do you figure that?
26
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Because it's a 12-hour trip
27
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:44,229
and the last flight out yesterday
was 18:40,
28
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before her supposed phone call from him.
29
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It's all a complete fantasy.
30
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(SIGHING) Six hundred euros in one day?
31
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And according to this, you took out
another 200 this morning.
32
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:07,036
Monty, the entertainments budget
is supposed to last us the entire year.
33
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,152
You have wiped out half of it
in 24 hours.
34
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Joyce, you have to understand
I'm dealing with a star here
35
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of the highest pedigree.
36
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:18,790
Why won't you tell me his name, then?
37
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He would prefer to remain anonymous.
38
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Oh, how's he going to do that?
Perform with a bucket over his head?
39
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:28,717
No, during negotiations
he would prefer to remain anonymous.
40
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All I can say is
41
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he's a British all-round entertainer
beloved by millions.
42
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A national treasure.
43
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,352
It' s not... Cliff?
44
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My lips are sealed.
45
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Right.
46
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:51,239
Well, okay, then.
47
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,319
But I warn you,
48
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if this turns out to be
a wild goose chase...
49
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:56,909
Trust me, Joyce.
50
00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:00,755
Trust me.
51
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:03,950
Oh!
52
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,514
Can I help you?
53
00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:09,200
Um, I need to ask for next Tuesday off.
54
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,755
Funeral. Second cousin.
55
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:15,510
You are employed by the travel agency,
not the hotel.
56
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,798
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. As you were.
57
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:23,634
(DOOR CLOSES)
58
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,833
This is getting out of hand.
59
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:28,797
She thinks
we've got Cliff bloody Richard.
60
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,269
Oh, she could've meant
any Cliff for all you know.
61
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:32,555
Come on.
62
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,519
Are you sure this is going to work?
63
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:40,878
Absolutely. He's just a little out of
practice with a live crowd, that's all.
64
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:44,112
But a quick dry room
with a small yet captive audience,
65
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:45,594
he'll be right as rain.
66
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,270
It's all arranged. Here's the address.
67
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:50,638
Pyrus Hall? Never heard of it.
68
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:52,950
Pyrus Hall! That's er...
69
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:56,311
Quite a drive. So, if I were you,
I'd go pick up Sammy now
70
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:57,879
- and get cracking.
- Right.
71
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,673
- Morning.
- Morning.
72
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,319
All right, young un? Oh, Kenneth,
73
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,392
- something's come for you, lad.
- Hey, what?
74
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:06,474
- Here you are.
- Oh, no!
75
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,190
- Is that from...
- Vladimir.
76
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:11,435
Who's Vladimir?
77
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,752
That Russian sailor Kenneth was seeing.
He sacked him off last night.
78
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,031
Ooh! TMI!
79
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,350
Sacked, cloth ears.
Sacked.
80
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,154
(CHUCKLES)
81
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:25,558
- I miss you.
- Ah.
82
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:29,953
I miss you. It's barely been 48 hours.
I'll just ignore this.
83
00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:31,958
Sometimes you have to be
cruel to be kind.
84
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:33,798
- Throw that out, Lesley.
- Right you are.
85
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:35,996
- What about this as well?
- No, no, no.
86
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,635
No, it's still a rose, isn't it?
87
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,912
I'll just stick it in a vase
and put it in the salon.
88
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:45,038
Aye. Something tells me
you're not going to have enough room.
89
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,110
What do you mean?
90
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:50,555
(CHUCKLES)
91
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:55,757
Yeah, this lot came first thing.
92
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,878
Delivery driver forgot that one.
Had to come back
93
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:03,873
Hello!
94
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,679
Someone's popular.
95
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,199
(CHUCKLING)
96
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,716
Joey?
- I'm brushing my teeth.
97
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,791
- Are you decent?
- Yeah.
98
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:23,000
Ugh. You said you were decent.
99
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:27,353
I thought you meant as in I were
a good, honest, law-abiding citizen.
100
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:31,189
Good, honest, law-abiding citizens don't
flash their party packs at their mates.
101
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,798
Listen, I need your help today.
102
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,231
Assuming you can drag yourself away
from your girlfriend for five minutes?
103
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,036
Yeah, I've been thinking,
I've kind of let you down a bit there.
104
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,112
It should always be mates before dates.
105
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:44,714
The bro code.
106
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,156
I'm sorry. So, forget girls.
107
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:50,557
Today is a "Lads Day".
108
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,193
Today it's just you and me.
109
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,397
Thanks, mate. I appreciate that.
110
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,113
Hey, no problems.
111
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:57,389
So, what do you need help with?
112
00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,875
I need to find that bird
I copped off with last night.
113
00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:10,357
Mrs Maltby, always a pleasure,
never a chore.
114
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:16,317
Oh, I've got a booking for yourself
and young Master Maltby.
115
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:17,470
Poor Geoff.
116
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,359
He's come down with a bout of the mumps.
117
00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:23,871
He looks like a chubby little hamster.
118
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,593
- Doesn't he?
- Yes.
119
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,155
And now he looks like
a chubby little hamster with mumps.
120
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,119
So I shall be taking my brother's room.
121
00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:31,873
Nae bother. I'll change the booking.
122
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,679
Yes, it's worked out quite well, really.
123
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:40,313
Our Pauline needed a nice holiday
to cheer her up. Didn't you?
124
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:44,480
She's recently lost her job.
125
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,079
Right. Firstly,
126
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,158
there's very little point in whispering
when I'm standing right next to you.
127
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,959
And secondly, I did not lose my job.
128
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,471
I quit my job, actually.
129
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,519
I decided it was high time
I started following my dream.
130
00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,359
She decided to become a novelist.
131
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,679
You writing a book, are you?
What's it about?
132
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:05,114
She doesn't know.
133
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:09,273
She's been working on
chapter one for the past month.
134
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:12,153
Yes, well, I will confess
I've been having a smidgen of trouble
135
00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:13,958
getting over that first hurdle,
136
00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:17,158
but I'm hoping a change of environment
will yield some inspiration.
137
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,518
Right. Is there anything else you'd like
to ask me about my private affairs
138
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,273
or can I have my room card now?
139
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:23,879
(STAMMERING) Aye, aye.
140
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,794
There you go. 326.
141
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,792
Oh, I am sorry about that.
142
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,871
Oh, think nowt of it, Mrs Maltby.
143
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:39,357
I know how temperamental
these artistic types can be.
144
00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:42,359
I mean, that Van Gogh fella
145
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,438
cut of his own lug-hole, didn't he?
146
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,353
Oh, our Pauline would never do that.
147
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:50,791
She enjoys watching the soaps too much.
148
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,759
I reckon you could
still watch TV with one ear.
149
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,712
Not if you wear glasses.
150
00:07:55,920 --> 00:08:00,198
Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLES) Oh, bless her.
151
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:11,911
Nigel, don't you feel guilty?
152
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,229
Wasn't even looking.
153
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,477
- Looking at what?
- I don't know.
154
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,918
I meant
don't you feel guilty being here?
155
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:22,113
Having a holiday
at the department's expense.
156
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,676
No, and neither should you.
157
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,038
It's par for the course with
this sort of deal, almost expected.
158
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,833
Do you really think the boys
they sent after Ronny Biggs
159
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,519
took that long to find him?
160
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,190
Of course not. They had more sense.
161
00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,475
For 40 years of being passed over
for every promotion going,
162
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:45,638
I think we've earned this.
163
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,029
Where' s Robbie?
164
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,394
He's gone for a walk, love.
165
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:55,039
Well, I can't wait for him.
166
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,958
My father's just called.
He's at the airport.
167
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:58,997
And which airport might that be?
168
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,309
Alicante.
169
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,311
Alicante.
170
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,471
Oh that's interesting, isn't it?
171
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,039
Well, I'm going to go pick him up.
172
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:07,349
Of course you are.
173
00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,114
Yes. Tell Robbie where I've gone.
174
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,470
- LORETTA: No way she...
- Listen,
175
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,030
about my father, um...
176
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,396
Well, in my country he's sort of...
177
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,031
quite important.
178
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,430
Owns two ploughs, does he?
179
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:29,635
What? listen, all I'm saying is
treat him with respect. That's all.
180
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,754
Or else he...
181
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:37,831
just treat him with respect.
182
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,069
- Please.
- Of course we will.
183
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,511
And we're all really looking forward
to meeting him, aren't we?
184
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,238
- Absolutely.
- Aye.
185
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,950
Seems a shame to pop all of them.
Can we not just keep one?
186
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,117
No, all of them. I want them all gone.
187
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,438
And would you mind doing it quietly?
My nerves are shot to pieces as it is.
188
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,629
In a sense, it's quite flattering.
189
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,109
Flattering? Have you read some of these?
190
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,430
You can practically chart
the journey of his psychosis.
191
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,396
Oh my god, I feel like
Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction.
192
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,717
To be fair, you're no Michael Douglas.
193
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:32,795
Oh, remember that skit we had to do
on Neptune's charity night?
194
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,951
Yes, thank you, Barry Norman.
195
00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:37,870
Wasn't acting for a critique
of me acting skills.
196
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,469
(MOBILE RINGING)
197
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,149
It's him.
198
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:46,719
You'd better answer it, Kenneth.
199
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,359
Oh, God.
200
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:52,075
- Hello?
- Kenneth?
201
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:53,594
I'm at the reception.
202
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:55,079
He's at reception.
203
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,077
Oh, are you?
204
00:10:58,280 --> 00:10:59,270
What you doing there?
205
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,751
This little old woman won't let me in
unless you permit it.
206
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,151
Oh, really? Erm,
207
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:06,839
would be mind putting her on to me?
208
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:12,874
- Hello.
- Lesley...
209
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:16,356
do not let that eight-foot psychotic
lunatic anywhere near this salon.
210
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,994
See, it's the first part
of that sentence
211
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:22,909
that's going to make the second part
a bit tricky to pull off.
212
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:24,360
(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
213
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,439
I go through now, yes?
214
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,471
- Aye.
- Good.
215
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,000
Lesley?
216
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,240
(LIAM POPS BALLON)
(SCREAMS)
217
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:47,397
(STAMMERING) You see, it's not that
I don't appreciate the matters of gifts
218
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,118
and borderline threatening notes but...
219
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:50,275
I love you.
220
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,317
Well, I'm a very lovable person.
221
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,431
You changed me. I was living a lie
222
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,471
and you gave me
the courage to be myself.
223
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:57,670
I need you.
224
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,434
But that's the thing, isn't it, you see?
225
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,080
You've spent all these years
trapped in the closet
226
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,516
and now that you've finally
come out, well,
227
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:08,880
I mean, you don't want to
limit yourself to one person, do you?
228
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,673
I mean, there're loads of men around.
229
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,718
Um, I'm not gay.
230
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,878
- Really?
- Yes, really!
231
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:21,471
Please. Whatever it is I've done wrong,
tell me, I'll fix it.
232
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:23,949
- I'll make it work.
- No, no, no...
233
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,077
No. You haven't done
nothing wrong, Vlad. No.
234
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:29,278
No, you see, it's not you, it's me.
235
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,712
I've been living a lie, too.
236
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,559
What do you mean?
237
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,470
I'm so sorry that I didn't
tell you sooner but...
238
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:39,995
I'm married.
239
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:42,830
To a woman.
240
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:48,038
You see, I never had your courage
or your confidence.
241
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,353
But it's too late now,
'cause she wouldn't understand.
242
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:54,430
And I do love her.
243
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,519
Oh, I wish he'd been this good
when we did our skit.
244
00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,035
- Shut up!
- I understand.
245
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,269
- You do?
- I also had to tell my wife.
246
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,431
It was the hardest thing
I ever had to do.
247
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:08,591
- Yes.
- But I didn't have a comrade.
248
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:11,559
- No.
- You do. We'll tell her tonight.
249
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,115
- Together.
- I'm sorry. What I was gonna say is...
250
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,714
(VLADIMIR GRUNTING)
251
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:18,789
Aw...
252
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,673
- Ah.
-(SHRIEKING)
253
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:23,750
Shh!
254
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:27,913
Be strong.
255
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,077
I shall return this evening.
256
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,069
My darling.
257
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:44,911
Aw. All's well that ends well.
258
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:46,599
What are you talking about?
259
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:48,558
I haven't got a sodding wife!
260
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,233
Oh, no.
261
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:54,115
And he's probably going to notice that
when he comes back, isn't he?
262
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:55,634
Do you think?
263
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,199
Oh, Liam!
264
00:13:58,280 --> 00:13:59,475
Calm down.
265
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:12,796
- Still on chapter...
- Yes, I'm still on chapter one.
266
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,840
The opening line
has to set the scene and tone
267
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:17,991
for the entire novel.
You can't rush these things.
268
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:19,479
Hmm.
269
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,191
Why don't you put
270
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:29,080
"The big brown dog
played with the bright red ball."
271
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:33,313
And then you can put a little picture
of the big brown dog...
272
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,995
I'm not writing a book
about dog's balls, all right?
273
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,754
Now, would you please be quiet?
274
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,354
And just let me...
275
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:44,353
get on...
276
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,640
- Pauline!
- What?
277
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:59,038
Oh, look, Mum, it's fine.
I'm okay. All right?
278
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:02,915
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap.
I just really need to get into the zone.
279
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:04,514
Here. That' s all.
280
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:06,670
(SIGHS)
281
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:40,634
SAMMY: Go away.
282
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,796
Sammy, it's me, Monty.
283
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,919
- SAMMY: Mo... Monty?
-(BOTTLES CLATTERING)
284
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:48,959
SAMMY: Hold on, Monty.
285
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:50,593
Just putting on me trousers.
286
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,111
Ah! Get off my grass.
287
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,709
(LAUGHING) Yes.
Very good, never gets old.
288
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,552
Oh, come in. Come in.
289
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:05,955
(BOTTLES CLATTERING)
290
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:12,272
Er.. Monty, listen, I'm sorry that
I bailed out on you last night.
291
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:14,909
I got what my mate Edmonds
calls "the fear".
292
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,189
He used to tell me all the time,
293
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,635
"You're never a true showman
until you've experienced the fear."
294
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:21,234
And to be honest with you, Monty,
295
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,750
I personally think he'd be
really proud of me today.
296
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,477
(SIGHS)
I miss you Noel.
297
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,632
Noel Edmunds isn't dead.
298
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:33,995
I feel the same way.
299
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,798
(STAMMERING)
300
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,197
I'm sorry, do you...
301
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,431
- Do you live here?
- Oh, God, no, Monty.
302
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:45,672
No, course I don't. My villa's having
a makeover. It's being painted.
303
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,918
No, I'm just here
for a couple of days, that's all.
304
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,760
As I said on the phone,
my PA has arranged
305
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:55,549
a slightly smaller gig for you tonight.
306
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,678
Might help you get over your...
Get over the...
307
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,275
-"The fear".
- Over "the fear".
308
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,756
Yeah. little place called Pyrus Hall.
309
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,194
No, no, no,
I've never heard of it, Monty.
310
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:08,429
No, I hadn't heard of it, either.
311
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,836
But I am assured that
it is very exclusive.
312
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,799
But it's a couple of hours' drive,
so I think we should probably...
313
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:15,518
Sounds great, Monty. Sounds great.
314
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,240
- Tell you what I've got here, hold on...
- What's going on?
315
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:21,591
Look. See? I got a cassette of some
of my old stand-up routines.
316
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:22,829
Maybe we could listen
on the way in the car?
317
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:25,878
See, this one
is for the more intimate gig.
318
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,519
Yeah, well that might be...
319
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,513
Well, I'll tell you what.
Maybe you should do it from memory.
320
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:32,591
That'd be a good practice.
321
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:35,149
Yes. Whatever you say, Monty.
I'm gonna get changed.
322
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,072
Why don't you get outside
and make yourself at home?
323
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:38,753
(SIGHS)
324
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,833
Who loves you, Monty?
325
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:42,399
Won't be long, Monty. Won't be long.
326
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,160
- (BOTTLES CLATTERING)
- Won't be long, Monty!
327
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,399
(CLEARS THROAT)
328
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:52,197
I can't hear a word you're saying, Joey.
329
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:54,075
You're doing what?
330
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,993
You're staking out a hotel?
331
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:58,709
No, we're not.
332
00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:03,590
Excuse my friend.
Sun stroke.
333
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,274
Come on, Dennis.
Let's get you back under a brolly.
334
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,394
Hold the fort five minutes.
335
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,870
No, it is my break in ten minutes.
336
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,553
Yeah, I'll be back in five.
337
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,991
You cannot be getting stiff
every time a man looks at you.
338
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:20,190
I beg your pardon.
339
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,078
How do you say, scaring you stiff?
340
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:23,560
I'll be back in five minutes.
341
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,996
Hey, hey, where are you going?
342
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:29,516
Listen, I'll be back in five. (MUMBLING)
343
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,200
Five minutes.
344
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,869
Oh, sorry, Joey.
Can you start that again?
345
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,633
Me and Callum.
346
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:38,309
We're trying to find the woman
he brought home last night,
347
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,909
only he doesn't know her last name.
348
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,150
So, we're waiting outside
until she turns up.
349
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,800
What? Why are you trying to find her?
350
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:47,319
To be honest.
351
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,557
I think Callum might be
a little sweet on her.
352
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,755
Plus, he wants to return
the money she left behind.
353
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:54,270
Oh, for God's sake,
354
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,511
didn't you listen
to a word I said last night?
355
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:57,874
Oh yeah, I did.
356
00:18:58,760 --> 00:18:59,830
What was it you said again?
357
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,753
She didn't accidentally
leave that money, Joey.
358
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,598
- She thinks Callum is a...
- Sam.
359
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:05,915
What? I'm on the phone.
360
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,310
I know but I need a favour from you.
We haven't got much time.
361
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,511
- What sort of favour?
- I, um...
362
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:13,031
He needs you to be his wife.
363
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,520
Yeah, Joey, I'm going to
have to call you back.
364
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,399
- There you are.
- Oh, you know what Sam said?
365
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,711
She said she doesn't think that woman
left the money there by accident.
366
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,194
Mate, of course she didn't.
367
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:29,549
You think I didn't know that?
368
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:31,474
She wanted to see me again.
369
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:33,631
She knew I'd find it
and knew I'd bring it here.
370
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:35,229
She's grafting.
371
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:36,555
It's a classic manoeuvre.
372
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:38,637
I pulled the same trick myself,
dozens of times.
373
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:42,196
I didn't even think of that.
You are so smart.
374
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,993
Ain't my first disco, mate.
375
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:45,589
Ain't my first disco.
376
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:46,750
JOEY: Mmm. Mmm!
377
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,313
Yes?
378
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,598
Erm...
379
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,874
Uh...
380
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,631
(CLEARS THROAT)
Glass of lemonade, please.
381
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,233
Ah yes.
382
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:32,279
I remembered you.
383
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,155
I beg your pardon?
384
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,034
Your lemonade.
385
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:37,759
(DEVIL WOMAN PLAYING ON RADIO)
386
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:40,833
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
387
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,198
No sanctuary.
388
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:44,920
Come!
389
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,315
Hey, I'm sorry to bother you,
Mrs Temple Savage.
390
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,351
- What can I do for you?
- Well,
391
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,635
I reckon I might have just landed meself
392
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,394
in what me old mam
used to call a "shit soup".
393
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:05,958
Okay, I'm in.
394
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,595
But if we're gonna do this,
we're gonna do it properly.
395
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,030
Which means
you have to start acting straight.
396
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:12,349
What are you on about?
397
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,393
The whole point is that our marriage
is supposed to be a sham.
398
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:16,874
I'm meant to be living a lie.
399
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:20,237
That's very nice for you, Kenneth but
it makes me look a bit stupid, doesn't it?
400
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:22,915
He has to believe that
I believe you're straight.
401
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:24,075
She's right, Kenneth.
402
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:25,599
If you really were living a lie,
403
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,115
then when you're around her,
you'd be acting straight.
404
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,510
Acting straight. What's that
supposed to mean, anyway?
405
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:31,749
How do straight people act?
406
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:33,877
You know, like me.
407
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:37,955
What?
408
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,031
We're going to have to start
with a shopping trip.
409
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:41,349
Get you a whole new outfit.
410
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,239
Eh? What's wrong with what I'm wear...
411
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,393
Liam, go and get me 30 euros
out of the petty cash.
412
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,040
Forget 30 euros,
you'll have to bring your credit card.
413
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,555
Credit card?
How many outfits am I buying?
414
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:58,270
Just the one. But I fancy a new pair
of shoes and a couple of tops.
415
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:01,158
You didn't think
I'd do this for free, did you?
416
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:02,270
(SIGHS)
417
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,434
- Come on.
- Hmm.
418
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,750
You're really going to
have to work on that walk.
419
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:09,035
What's wrong with me walk?
420
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:10,995
Wasn't talking to you.
421
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:24,233
I don't know what to say.
I mean, really, Lesley,
422
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:26,039
tax fraud?
423
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,999
Hey, it's not fraud as such, is it?
424
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,549
'Cause I didn't really know
what I was doing.
425
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,074
That's hardly the point.
426
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:36,073
And you actually think these two men
427
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:38,516
are undercover investigators?
428
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,830
I don't know. It's just...
429
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:43,556
little things they've said
since they got here.
430
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,995
- Well..
- And they're always staring at us.
431
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,277
I'm not being funny, Lesley,
but quite a lot of people stare at you.
432
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:52,796
Oh, well, that's very kind of you
to say, Mrs Temple Savage,
433
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,389
but no,
there's something up with these two.
434
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,313
I can feel it in me waters.
435
00:23:57,840 --> 00:23:58,875
I don't know.
436
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,351
Maybe as I should just leave.
437
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:03,154
I don't want to any trouble.
438
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:05,075
Lesley,
439
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:08,478
as much as I don't relish the idea
of harbouring a known fugitive,
440
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,200
the fact remains that I suppose
I sort of...
441
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:14,634
kind of...
442
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,154
consider you a friend.
443
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,197
Oh, Mrs T.
444
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:22,199
Yes, all right, all right, don't ruin
your mascara, we're not having a moment.
445
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,999
Just try and keep your head down
for the rest of the day
446
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:26,195
and I'll do the rest.
447
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:28,790
Why? What are you going to do?
448
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:31,398
Some investigating of my own.
449
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,674
Pauline, have you been drinking?
450
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,398
(SLURRING) Don't be ridiculous.
451
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:47,191
I've had nothing but a few glasses
of the finest lemonade.
452
00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,071
This is vodka.
453
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:01,719
Preposterous.
454
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:06,754
Ah, you. Would you mind
confirming to me in front of witnesses
455
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:10,515
as to whether I have or have not
been drinking lemonade?
456
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,798
Of course, it's what you asked for.
Lemonade.
457
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:16,874
There, you see?
458
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:21,477
If it was just lemonade,
why was he winking at you?
459
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,873
Clearly the man's attracted to me.
That's no secret.
460
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:28,909
I've been rejecting his advances
ever since the year we first came here.
461
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:30,439
Hey, hey, hey!
462
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:32,710
I have do no
advantages for you to reject.
463
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:35,155
I am not the one who is drunk.
464
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,832
- It is vodka.
- Oh, Pauline.
465
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:51,991
I've written nothing for weeks
466
00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:56,034
and then a few glasses of that
and I've polished off three chapters.
467
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,514
Truly, it is the nectar of the gods.
468
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:06,392
Oh, Pauline, that's....
469
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,190
That's disgusting.
470
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:10,674
Nonsense.
471
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:16,557
He swallowed her... No, dear, no.
You can't do that.
472
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:17,710
Nonsense.
473
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:23,030
Erotica is as legitimate
a form of literature as any other.
474
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:26,710
No, I meant you can't do that.
I tried it.
475
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,838
You need to be
double-jointed and I wasn't.
476
00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:32,920
Well, not till after, anyway.
477
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,958
- Have you tried this?
- Oh, yes.
478
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:38,879
What about this?
479
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,115
Ooh, yes!
480
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:46,553
Please, be seated.
481
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:51,353
I believe I have found my muse.
482
00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,514
Gentlemen, Joyce Temple Savage here,
your Solana Manageress.
483
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:03,517
I hope you're both enjoying your stay.
484
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:05,239
- Lovely, thanks.
- Excellent.
485
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,471
I'm afraid when you checked in,
486
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,989
our receptionist neglected
to have you to sign
487
00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:12,071
one of our personal detail forms.
488
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,589
Oh. Okay, well,
if you just want to leave it...
489
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:15,909
No, no, happy to do it now.
490
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:17,360
(CLEARING THROAT) Right. Now then,
491
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:21,718
may I ask the nature of your employment?
492
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:24,596
Uh, why would a hotel need to know that?
493
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,272
Oh, you know I've no idea. (CHUCKLING)
494
00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:29,271
Anyway, nature of your employment?
495
00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:30,634
- Retired.
- Green grocer.
496
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:34,074
- Retired green grocer...
- ...s.
497
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:35,793
(CHUCKLES)
498
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,594
Um, are you both married?
499
00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:40,035
Yes.
500
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,034
- So, where are your families?
- Sorry?
501
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,151
You're here on your own,
I'm just wondering...
502
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:48,754
Oh, um...
503
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:50,958
Unless...
504
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:55,358
Oh, yes, that's right.
We are, aren't we?
505
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:59,600
- Are what?
- Married.... Sweetheart.
506
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:07,314
Oh, that's right. We are, sugar doll.
507
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:09,394
That explains everything.
508
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:10,800
What does that mean?
509
00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:15,397
(STAMMERS) I mean that
it completes the questionnaire.
510
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:19,236
Do enjoy the rest of your stay.
511
00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:22,869
Sugar doll?
512
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:25,554
Can we stop holding hands now?
513
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:39,910
Oh, God, here they come.
514
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:41,832
They?
515
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:47,311
Oh, well played.
516
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:50,719
Father, this is Robbie.
517
00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:54,109
Robbie, this is Franco, my father.
518
00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:57,351
Nice to... Nice to meet you.
519
00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:00,353
And this is Robbie's family.
520
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:01,870
How do you do?
521
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:04,476
- Y0u all right?
- LORETTA: Nice flight, was it?
522
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:07,154
Which airline did you use,
out of interest?
523
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:10,358
I don't use airlines.
I have my own private jet.
524
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:13,512
Oh, really? That's nice.
525
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:15,313
What sort of jet is it?
526
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:19,036
A 2012 Gulf Stream G520.
527
00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:20,634
Is that a Rolex?
528
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
No, it's Bulgari.
529
00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:24,909
Bulgari.
530
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:26,911
Oh, my God, he's a billionaire.
531
00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:28,874
Hi, uh,
532
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,438
I'm WiLL-I-Am, er, William,
Robert's dad.
533
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:36,633
- About this so-called Gulf Stream G5...
- Mam!
534
00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:39,829
So nice to meet you.
Would you like to sit down?
535
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:41,877
Or maybe you'd like to go
to Rob and Cyd's room
536
00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:44,076
to freshen up first after your flight?
537
00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:46,231
Rob and Cyd's room?
538
00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:47,469
Oh!
539
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:49,273
I should like to talk to you.
540
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:52,109
Alone.
541
00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:56,160
Cyd?
542
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,197
He's fine. He's fine.
543
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:04,795
Sorry.
544
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:17,074
Sammy loves you!
545
00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:19,077
(LAUGHING) Any gear will do, Monty.
546
00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:23,598
I've been looking forward to this,
Monty, seriously, it's like a dream car.
547
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:24,909
Thelma and Louise!
548
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:27,594
They drove off the edge of a cliff.
So keep your eyes on the road.
549
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:45,030
A retirement home.
550
00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:47,751
I'll bloody swing for her.
551
00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:49,239
Monty!
552
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:52,278
Sammy, I am so, so...
553
00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:54,431
You are a genius.
554
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:55,669
What?
555
00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:58,479
I never thought of this myself,
it's brilliant, bloody brilliant.
556
00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:00,239
Old people love me.
557
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:02,311
They absolutely love me.
558
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,558
If this doesn't get me over "the fear",
559
00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:07,679
then, nothing will.
560
00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:10,549
Oh, yeah, well, exactly.
561
00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:14,510
And I'm sure
it's what Noel would've wanted.
562
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:17,080
It is.
563
00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:23,312
I'm telling you, Lesley,
you've got nothing to worry about.
564
00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:25,910
Look, they're even sharing a room.
565
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:27,833
Aye, single beds.
566
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:30,680
Oh, come on. You're telling me
you've never pushed a couple of beds
567
00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:32,034
together in your day?
568
00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:35,199
I'm not convinced, Mrs Temple Savage.
I mean,
569
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:38,240
they just don't act gay, you know?
570
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:43,794
Now, then, darling.
571
00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:46,799
Hiya.
572
00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:52,239
All right, I admit,
sometimes it can be hard to tell.
573
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,479
Yeah, I gotta tell...
574
00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:05,319
I gotta tell you, Sam.
575
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,798
I'm starting to get
really worried about him.
576
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:09,594
- Who?
- Who do you think?
577
00:32:17,240 --> 00:32:19,550
He tried to give me
a cassette tape earlier.
578
00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:23,156
I genuinely am not sure
he knows what year it is.
579
00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:25,920
Look, he's a celebrity.
They're all a bit eccentric.
580
00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:27,110
A bit?
581
00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:29,277
It'll all work out. I promise.
582
00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:33,436
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go
meet me husband and his ex-boyfriend.
583
00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:34,715
What?
584
00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:38,916
(SIGHS) She's mad.
585
00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:42,793
They're all mad. Maybe I'm mad.
586
00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:47,916
Sammy loves you. Who loves you?
587
00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:50,071
Sammy loves you. Sammy loves you.
588
00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:56,313
Sammy loves you. Fa-fa-fa!
589
00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:59,038
Sammy loves you.
590
00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:08,318
That's what I should have asked him.
591
00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:12,519
What the thrust-to-fuel ratio
of this pretend jet was?
592
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:14,034
I bet he wouldn't have known that.
593
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,237
Of course he wouldn't.
How would he have known that?
594
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:17,634
He didn't build it, did he?
595
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:19,751
Look, if he's a billionaire,
he's a billionaire.
596
00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:21,712
if he's not, he's not.
It doesn't really matter.
597
00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:23,592
The most important thing is our Rob.
598
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:26,314
Exactly. So stop trying
to spoil this for us, Loretta.
599
00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:28,711
- Us?
- For Rob, for Rob, I said.
600
00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:31,673
- No, you didn't. You said...
- Oh, look, he's here. look.
601
00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:37,790
- What's happening, love?
- I don't know.
602
00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:40,720
They're both up in the room, talking.
603
00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:44,596
Don't worry, son. When they come down,
we'll turn on a bit of Dawson charm.
604
00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:47,752
Few drinks, few jokes,
he'll be loving us.
605
00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:50,315
I could tell my one
about them two nuns...
606
00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:51,959
No, no, no, no, no.
607
00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:56,514
Kenneth.
608
00:33:57,800 --> 00:33:59,154
Oh, God.
609
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:02,719
Oh, God. Where the hell is Sam?
610
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:04,315
Right, go on, you better clear off.
611
00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:06,311
- Right.
-(STAMMERING)
612
00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:08,033
Don't go too far, though, will you?
613
00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:11,673
Hug for Vladi!
614
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:14,633
Oh, we better not because me wife's
going to be here any minute.
615
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:17,959
Any minute.
616
00:34:18,720 --> 00:34:21,030
Any minute...
617
00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:22,429
Now.
618
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:24,558
Oh, thank God. I mean, there she is.
619
00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:28,036
Oh, sorry I'm late, babe.
620
00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:30,356
- Traffic.
- It's all right, babe. You're here now.
621
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:32,079
Oh, give us a kiss.
622
00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:34,749
(BOTH GRUNTING)
623
00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:39,749
Oh, they're pretending to be a couple.
624
00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:42,718
I really don't care.
625
00:34:46,720 --> 00:34:49,792
Oh, so, who's your friend?
626
00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:55,271
(SOPHISTICATED PIANO PLAYING)
627
00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:58,555
Huh? What?
628
00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:00,193
There she is.
629
00:35:00,720 --> 00:35:01,790
It's about time.
630
00:35:04,320 --> 00:35:05,674
Caroline.
631
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:07,115
Callum?
632
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:09,149
What are you doing here?
633
00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:15,399
I wanted to see you again.
634
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:17,349
Erm...
635
00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:20,873
This is very er...
unprofessional.
636
00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:22,678
Come on. Don't be coy.
637
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:26,037
I like games as much
as the next fella but face it,
638
00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:27,635
this one's all played out.
639
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:30,353
You know you wanted
to see me again, too.
640
00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:34,192
That's why you accidentally
left the money behind.
641
00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:36,238
Accidentally left ...
642
00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:39,271
Oh, my God. (LAUGHS)
643
00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:43,272
You're not an escort at all, are you?
644
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:47,157
You're just some kid who was trying
to pick up an older woman.
645
00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:48,395
Escort?
646
00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:50,318
Callum, this is a business hotel.
647
00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:54,473
One that provides certain "services"
for its corporate clients.
648
00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:55,789
What do you mean?
649
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:57,469
You mean...
650
00:35:58,160 --> 00:35:59,594
You thought I was a paid toy boy?
651
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:03,274
And you paid me 200 euros.
652
00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:08,109
- Actually, that's quite a lot, isn't it?
- And you earned every penny.
653
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:10,317
Yeah? Well,
654
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:12,550
I'm not actually doing anything
this evening if you want to...
655
00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:15,632
Sorry, Callum, I'm, um,
checking out tonight.
656
00:36:15,720 --> 00:36:20,590
But I'll be back
this time next year, so...
657
00:36:33,640 --> 00:36:37,395
I bless the day I found you
658
00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:41,551
I want to stay around you
659
00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:45,595
And so I beg you
660
00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:50,030
Let it be me
661
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:53,878
Don't take this...
662
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:55,519
So they are muffalettas?
663
00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:57,833
Apparently.
664
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:02,036
Ah yes, I see it now.
665
00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:03,995
You do?
666
00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:06,873
Of course, it is as plain
as the face on your nose.
667
00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:11,835
Excuse me.
668
00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:14,397
I have a bone to pick with you.
669
00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:16,079
Why are you wanting to pick at my bone?
670
00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:20,080
You served my daughter
funny lemonade all afternoon
671
00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:24,833
and now you've just
taken a full bottle of vodka
672
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:26,951
over to her table.
673
00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:31,356
Yes, she said she wanted
some for her and her moose.
674
00:37:31,720 --> 00:37:35,714
Why would you give
vodka to an alcoholic?
675
00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:38,633
Alcofrolics, they love the vodka.
676
00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:40,239
You did not know this?
677
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:43,434
Si.
678
00:37:49,080 --> 00:37:50,354
He keeps looking at us.
679
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:51,874
Do you think he suspects?
680
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:53,479
He doesn't suspect anything.
681
00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:56,240
Stop making eye contact.
Watch the stage.
682
00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:59,551
Can't believe we have to spend the whole
week pretending to be a couple now.
683
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:01,353
I don't know what
you're complaining about.
684
00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:02,919
It's worse for me.
685
00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:04,479
How's it worse for you?
686
00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:07,760
At least you look like
you're punching above your weight.
687
00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:10,311
I'm the one they'll think's slumming it.
688
00:38:14,720 --> 00:38:18,759
So never leave me lonely
689
00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:23,675
Tell me that you love me only...
690
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:26,994
- Cyd.
- Franco.
691
00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:29,997
You don't mind
if I call you Franco, do you?
692
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:32,114
Please, sit down.
693
00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:34,233
I've already got the drinks in. Look.
694
00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:35,595
Actually...
695
00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:37,350
One drink.
696
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:42,038
Let it be me
697
00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:51,875
So... This is nice.
698
00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:55,076
Perhaps we should have a toast to...
699
00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:59,791
What's the thrust to fuel ratio
of this jet of yours, then, Frankie?
700
00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:05,240
Fuel consumption
is over 300 gallons an hour.
701
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:08,034
Thrust is in excess of 8,000 pounds.
702
00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:15,398
Please let it be me
703
00:39:15,480 --> 00:39:17,312
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
704
00:39:23,940 --> 00:39:27,012
You ask me if I love you
705
00:39:27,740 --> 00:39:30,539
And I choke on my reply
706
00:39:32,100 --> 00:39:35,730
I'd sooner hurt you honestly
707
00:39:35,980 --> 00:39:38,893
Than mislead you with a lie...
708
00:39:39,060 --> 00:39:41,973
Yeah, so I followed the trail of petals?
709
00:39:42,100 --> 00:39:44,774
All the way through the kitchen
and out onto the patio,
710
00:39:45,140 --> 00:39:46,778
and there he was.
711
00:39:47,140 --> 00:39:51,498
Stood there in his tuxedo,
as handsome as the day we first met.
712
00:39:51,900 --> 00:39:56,610
He put fairy lights round the gazebo
and he hired a string quartet
713
00:39:56,700 --> 00:39:58,532
to perform our favourite song.
714
00:39:58,780 --> 00:40:00,771
What were it again, babe?
715
00:40:02,140 --> 00:40:03,699
Dancing Queen.
716
00:40:04,020 --> 00:40:05,454
Dancing Queen.
717
00:40:05,780 --> 00:40:09,330
And then he got down on one knee
and he showed me his ring.
718
00:40:09,780 --> 00:40:12,135
Oh, it was
the most romantic night of my life.
719
00:40:12,220 --> 00:40:15,212
Anyway I'm rambling...
Sorry, sorry.
720
00:40:15,340 --> 00:40:16,899
Please, listen.
721
00:40:16,980 --> 00:40:20,530
There is something that Kenneth and I
would both like to tell you.
722
00:40:21,700 --> 00:40:25,216
Hold that thought. I'm just gonna go
and check on the babysitter.
723
00:40:25,900 --> 00:40:27,174
Oh! (GIGGLING)
724
00:40:29,820 --> 00:40:31,015
You have children?
725
00:40:31,860 --> 00:40:33,453
Yeah, it seems that way.
726
00:40:33,980 --> 00:40:35,493
I mean, I mean yes.
727
00:40:36,260 --> 00:40:37,455
Yes, we have.
728
00:40:39,020 --> 00:40:40,374
Twins.
729
00:40:40,940 --> 00:40:42,135
Boy and a girl.
730
00:40:43,260 --> 00:40:46,059
Little...Kylie and Jason.
731
00:40:47,780 --> 00:40:50,294
That's why you must
continue to live your lie?
732
00:40:50,380 --> 00:40:51,973
Yes.
733
00:40:52,940 --> 00:40:56,456
I wish I'd brought it up earlier,
to be honest with you.
734
00:40:57,500 --> 00:41:00,253
I understand, for I too had children.
735
00:41:00,340 --> 00:41:01,853
Oh, I know, love.
736
00:41:02,020 --> 00:41:04,933
And my wife took them away
when she learned the truth.
737
00:41:06,860 --> 00:41:08,134
And I miss them, Kenneth.
738
00:41:09,060 --> 00:41:10,459
I miss them so much.
739
00:41:11,460 --> 00:41:13,815
You will not go through this, Kenneth.
740
00:41:16,820 --> 00:41:18,219
I will not let you.
741
00:41:18,620 --> 00:41:19,815
No.
742
00:41:21,820 --> 00:41:23,094
So...
743
00:41:23,580 --> 00:41:26,015
- That means...
- It means...
744
00:41:27,060 --> 00:41:28,380
We cannot be.
745
00:41:29,020 --> 00:41:30,772
You must be strong, Kenneth.
746
00:41:31,980 --> 00:41:33,334
And you must learn to forget me.
747
00:41:33,460 --> 00:41:36,213
I will. I mean, I'll try, Vlad.
748
00:41:45,860 --> 00:41:47,259
Goodbye, Kenneth.
749
00:41:49,260 --> 00:41:50,455
Goodbye.
750
00:41:58,700 --> 00:42:00,134
Well, did it work?
751
00:42:00,260 --> 00:42:01,739
Well, yeah, it seemed to.
752
00:42:08,220 --> 00:42:11,178
Hey, you're gonna be
all right, you know.
753
00:42:11,260 --> 00:42:14,491
Like Kenneth said,
there are plenty more men out there.
754
00:42:15,340 --> 00:42:18,412
- I don't suppose you...
- For crying out loud, I'm not gay!
755
00:42:19,260 --> 00:42:20,694
(MUSIC SWELLS)
756
00:42:20,780 --> 00:42:23,010
Sometimes when we touch
757
00:42:24,020 --> 00:42:27,012
- Taken!
- The honesty's too much...
758
00:42:29,140 --> 00:42:30,619
Who's slumming it now?
759
00:42:30,700 --> 00:42:34,011
Get off. He obviously
just didn't notice me.
760
00:42:35,140 --> 00:42:36,369
(CHUCKLES)
761
00:42:37,020 --> 00:42:38,977
I wanna hold you till I die
762
00:42:40,180 --> 00:42:43,252
Till we both break own and cry
763
00:42:44,060 --> 00:42:45,937
I wanna hold you
764
00:42:46,340 --> 00:42:52,211
Till the fear in me subsides
765
00:43:01,700 --> 00:43:04,010
Let's give a big Neptune's thank you
766
00:43:04,140 --> 00:43:06,495
to the wonderful Neil Ross.
767
00:43:07,260 --> 00:43:08,853
Thank you, everyone. Thank you.
768
00:43:09,900 --> 00:43:11,971
Right, ladies and gentlemen,
769
00:43:12,100 --> 00:43:14,137
it's karaoke time again.
770
00:43:14,220 --> 00:43:15,893
So, lets see who the performers are.
771
00:43:15,980 --> 00:43:17,573
Right, looks like we have a double act.
772
00:43:17,700 --> 00:43:20,419
And its Pauline and the Muse.
773
00:43:22,980 --> 00:43:25,415
Ooh, ooh, ooh
774
00:43:29,980 --> 00:43:31,891
Let's talk about sex, baby
775
00:43:32,020 --> 00:43:34,534
Let's talk about you and me
776
00:43:34,620 --> 00:43:38,853
Let's talk about all the good things
and the bad things that may be
777
00:43:38,980 --> 00:43:41,017
Let's talk about sex
778
00:43:41,300 --> 00:43:42,938
Let's talk about sex
779
00:43:43,540 --> 00:43:47,738
Let's talk about sex Let's talk about sex...
780
00:43:49,540 --> 00:43:51,736
Two nuns... (LAUGHING)...
781
00:43:51,820 --> 00:43:53,299
That's hilarious!
782
00:43:54,260 --> 00:43:56,410
I told you it were good'un, didn't I?
783
00:44:00,780 --> 00:44:02,498
See, I knew he'd like it.
784
00:44:02,620 --> 00:44:03,940
Yeah.
785
00:44:05,260 --> 00:44:07,012
So, another drink, Franco?
786
00:44:07,420 --> 00:44:08,694
Uh, no.
787
00:44:09,340 --> 00:44:10,933
No more. No more.
788
00:44:12,420 --> 00:44:14,013
We really must go.
789
00:44:15,020 --> 00:44:17,011
Tomorrow we fly home.
790
00:44:17,780 --> 00:44:19,009
What?
791
00:44:21,860 --> 00:44:23,089
It was nice to meet you.
792
00:44:23,660 --> 00:44:25,298
We will not meet again.
793
00:44:25,940 --> 00:44:27,089
Come.
794
00:44:28,660 --> 00:44:30,219
Cyd?
795
00:44:30,300 --> 00:44:32,052
I'm sorry Robbie.
796
00:44:35,740 --> 00:44:39,620
Let's talk about sex, baby Let's talk about you and me
797
00:44:39,700 --> 00:44:41,179
Let's talk about
all the good things...
798
00:44:41,260 --> 00:44:43,854
Rob, I am so, so sorry.
799
00:44:51,220 --> 00:44:52,972
Let's talk about sex
800
00:44:54,900 --> 00:44:56,413
Touch the mic
801
00:44:56,740 --> 00:44:59,050
(PAULINE SLURRING INDISTINCTLY)
802
00:44:59,580 --> 00:45:00,979
Oh, dear.
803
00:45:01,100 --> 00:45:04,456
Is it just me, or do standards here
appear to be slipping?
804
00:45:04,700 --> 00:45:07,294
It is just you.
We have always had these standards.
805
00:45:07,580 --> 00:45:09,776
Well, not for much longer.
806
00:45:09,860 --> 00:45:11,578
My husband, the Entertainments Manager,
807
00:45:11,660 --> 00:45:16,814
is right now out there schmoozing
a very well-known celebrity.
808
00:45:16,900 --> 00:45:18,618
And you are okay with this?
809
00:45:18,700 --> 00:45:21,135
Obviously, since
he can't tell me who it is,
810
00:45:21,260 --> 00:45:22,614
but he keeps dropping little hints.
811
00:45:22,740 --> 00:45:24,811
Something tells me
we'll all be witnessing
812
00:45:24,900 --> 00:45:27,130
something very special in a week or so.
813
00:45:27,220 --> 00:45:29,131
Here comes the chorus,
don't let me down!
814
00:45:29,220 --> 00:45:31,860
Get those arms in the air, everybody.
let's raise the roof.
815
00:45:32,580 --> 00:45:34,059
Here we go.
816
00:45:34,620 --> 00:45:38,011
Hi ho silver lining
817
00:45:38,900 --> 00:45:40,379
Everywhere you go
818
00:45:40,460 --> 00:45:41,734
Now... (GRUNTS)
819
00:45:42,380 --> 00:45:44,769
I see your sun is shining
820
00:45:44,860 --> 00:45:45,850
Hips!
821
00:45:45,940 --> 00:45:47,169
But I won't make a fuss
822
00:45:47,260 --> 00:45:48,898
Your turn!
823
00:45:49,020 --> 00:45:50,533
This one's for you, Noel.
824
00:45:50,620 --> 00:45:52,850
Wow! (LAUGHING)
825
00:45:52,940 --> 00:45:54,499
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
60398
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