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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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I should not be doing this,
I am a skilled barman.
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I should not have to be touching
British people's sausage.
4
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Madre mia!
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- Where are you going?
- I'm going to work, Monty.
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Joyce, you absolutely insist
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on us having no honeymoon.
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The least we can do this week is
have a lie-in.
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I've had my lie-in. It's 8 o'clock.
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Okay, you win.
11
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What do you mean, I win?
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Well, if I can't beat you,
I'm gonna join you.
13
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I can't have you
under my feet at work, Monty.
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You're actually more useful in bed.
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I didn't mean that how it came out.
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Uh, Joyce.
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What about that new position
we talked about?
18
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For goodness' sake.
I know we've just been married,
19
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but do you really not think
of anything else?
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I meant Entertainments Manager.
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Oh, I see.
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Uh, look, I'm sorry, Monty.
We've been through this.
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Any new position at the Solana
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has to be advertised internally
for at least three working days.
25
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You can't have the job
until that time has elapsed.
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Who on Earth out of the morons
running around this place
27
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is gonna have those qualifications?
28
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That's not the point. The job has to be
advertised for three days.
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And as the Americans say...
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(AMERICAN ACCENT)
I have to cover my ass.
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That's the new position
out of the window then.
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I beg your pardon?
33
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I mean me getting it today.
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Starting the job today.
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If this is your attempt
at being amusing, Monty,
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I need to tell you,
you are failing miserably.
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No, it was my attempt at getting a job.
38
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(DOOR SLAMMING)
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Hola.
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I have something for you.
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- What is it?
- Is for you.
42
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Is hot and fresh.
43
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The last thing I need after a swim
is a mountain of old burnt meat
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that has been left out for days
sweating in the sun.
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I told you this breakfast
46
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is fresh this morning.
47
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I was not talking about the breakfast.
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Where have you been?
49
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Robbie, I'm sorry.
I tried not to wake you.
50
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The doctor says
you could've had concussion.
51
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He said I was lucky
not to have concussion.
52
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Well, it's bed for the rest of the day.
53
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I want your father to know
54
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I do not blame him
for what happened last night.
55
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Fine.
56
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,313
- I'll send him a text.
- Robbie.
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I want to go downstairs.
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You know, I've been lying in this bed
praying for a euphemism like that.
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- A euphemism is...
- Oh, I know euphemism.
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It is the substitution of a mild
or vague expression
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for one considered to be offensive
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or unpleasant.
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I love it when you talk dirty.
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Well, I think you're crazy.
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Entertainments Manager.
It's right up your street.
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And have Temple Savage as a boss?
You've got to be kidding.
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00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,278
Ah, you might have a point there.
68
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- What about you, Mateo?
- What about me?
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Entertainments Manager.
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(CLEARS THROAT)
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Is she okay?
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Him? Entertainments Manager?
73
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Oh God, that's hilarious.
74
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,955
Oh. Right.
I have money to be made. Ladies.
75
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SAM: Hello.
Can I help you with anything?
76
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:40,198
Hello, son! Nice couple of days off?
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Eh, how was your mate's wedding?
78
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Ah, it was lovely.
It rained every minute I was there.
79
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(CHUCKLING)
80
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How was your wedding?
I mean, Joyce and Monty's?
81
00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:49,200
Did you not hear about it?
82
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No, why, what happened?
Give me all the gossip.
83
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Gossip? Eh, this will make your hair
stand on end.
84
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,636
I'm sorry to interrupt
this mother's meeting,
85
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- but we do have a hotel to run.
- I'll ask Jacqueline.
86
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Aye, all right, son.
Nice to have you back!
87
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Jacqueline.
88
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,115
Oh, Liam!
89
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,956
Oh, it's so good to see you.
90
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,077
Where's Kenneth? Me dad said
there's some gossip.
91
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,879
Oh, well, where do I start?
92
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:22,435
They all got stranded on Peacock Island
after the wedding.
93
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:26,476
Then Kenneth tried
to swim back to Benidorm
94
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and nearly drowned,
95
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but was saved at the last minute
by Vladimir, a Russian sailor,
96
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,075
who he's now going out with.
97
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,790
Then, in the afternoon,
a dentist tried to kill him.
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Then everything was all right,
till last night,
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when he threw a moody after finding out
that Blow 'n' Go has got a new owner.
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00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,633
Blow 'n' Go's got a new owner?
101
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Who'd be stupid enough
to buy this place?
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Me.
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(LAUGHING)
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Yes, pet, can I help you?
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Miss Temple Savage,
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I would like to be applying for
the position of Entertaining Manager.
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00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,235
Entertainments Manager.
108
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,789
- Is what I am saying.
- Mateo.
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Entertainments Manager is
a very specialised position.
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Not only do you need a background
in entertainment,
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you also need to be entertaining.
112
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No offence.
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LES: Nae bother, one second.
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Bean, is Matteo.
115
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You are still looking for a job?
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Honestly, the way
she dived off that stage,
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I could see the pound signs in her eyes.
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It were our Billy that did it,
with microphone lead.
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Oh, she's good. Don't get me wrong.
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She knows what she's doing.
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She'll be with that rep now
putting her claim in.
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- Who's putting a claim in?
- Nobody.
123
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,717
Loretta reckons Cyd took a dive
on that stage
124
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,438
to claim for the old compo.
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- Absolute rubbish.
- Told you.
126
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:11,836
Mind you, if I was on stage with
Billy and his sweaty, wandering hands,
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I think I'd dive head first
into a tableful of pint pots as well.
128
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Do you realise
how serious that accusation is?
129
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Yes, I do.
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You never laid a finger
on that young lass.
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Thank you.
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In saying that,
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you did have a good ogle.
134
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But I always say
if the puppies are in the window,
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stop and have a look.
136
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- I beg your pardon?
- I beg your pardon?
137
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(CLEARS THROAT)
138
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Drink, anyone?
139
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I'll take that as a no.
140
00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:45,999
You are thinking about buying a puppy?
141
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Uh, no.
142
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,753
Callum. You up, mate?
143
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:06,393
Callum! Callum!
144
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,433
Shh! Joey, what the hell
do you think you're doing?
145
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Sorry, mate. It's nearly 11.
I thought you'd be up.
146
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I am.
147
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But somebody else isn't.
148
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Ahh!
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Who?
150
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,719
For God's sakes, Joey.
151
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,754
Oh, my days. You got lucky last night.
Shut up!
152
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:28,033
No, no, my friend,
luck had nothing to do with it.
153
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Irresistible charm and
rugged good looks might have, though.
154
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,870
Oh! She's got rugged good looks?
155
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,238
Well, I suppose we're in Benidorm.
156
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,470
Not her, you moron. Me.
157
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:41,200
Oh, right. Right. Sorry. Sorry.
158
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,516
So, what's she like?
159
00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:44,710
(CHUCKLES)
160
00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:48,151
Man, off the scale.
161
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,113
- You mean really fat?
- No, I don't mean really fat.
162
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,350
She's not really fat. She's really fit.
163
00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:55,670
Oh, right. Cool. Cool.
164
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- Can I, uh...
- Can you what?
165
00:08:58,480 --> 00:08:59,914
Can I have a look?
166
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:04,358
Joey, she's a woman asleep in my bed,
not an animal in the zoo.
167
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,511
Sorry. Sorry. My bad.
168
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,230
- Can I take a picture?
- You're unbelievable.
169
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,869
Sorry. (CHUCKLING) Ooh!
170
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,518
I'm sorry, uh, Mr Beaned.
171
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,274
Nowhere on your CV does it mention
172
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:39,149
any experience in the hotel
or travel industry.
173
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,390
- It's Bean.
- It's been what?
174
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,232
No, it's Bean.
175
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,557
Bean with a "Mr" in front of it
176
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,280
is that fecking eejit
with a turkey on his head.
177
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,398
Right.
As I say, I'm afraid you just don't have
178
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,472
the appropriate qualifications
to become a member of the Solana team.
179
00:09:56,560 --> 00:10:00,474
What exactly would be
the appropriate qualifications
180
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,355
to become a member of the Solana team?
181
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:05,795
Well, being sober, for a start.
182
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,279
I have a cold.
183
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,398
- And perhaps some experience.
- I can get experience.
184
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:12,869
I'm sorry, we just haven't got
anything for you.
185
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,913
Do you know No-plums Eric?
186
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:18,517
- Who?- Eric Palmer.
187
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,194
- They call him No-plums Eric.
- No, I don't know him.
188
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,920
Well, he could vouch for me.
189
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:27,834
Why on Earth would someone be called
No-plums Eric?
190
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,196
Because he hasn't got any plums.
191
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,393
They used to call him
No-apples Eric but...
192
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:36,998
he must've got some apples.
193
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,196
Right. I'm afraid
you're gonna have to leave.
194
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,031
You've got a very short memory.
195
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:43,919
What's that got to do with anything?
196
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:47,670
Last year, when you came to the circus?
197
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:51,709
You were the clown.
198
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:54,758
And I helped you put on your show.
199
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:56,830
Yes, I remember.
200
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,273
Maybe we have something
in the Kids' Club, I mean,
201
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,636
you have, after all,
experience with children.
202
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:07,839
In the circus, I used to have
this clown car that exploded.
203
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,878
You know, the doors fell off
and all that.
204
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:11,950
Oh, yes?
205
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:14,959
I used to pour twice as much
gunpowder in it
206
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:16,838
to make the little shits cry.
207
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:19,913
I hate children.
208
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,796
Feckin ankle biting bastards.
209
00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,314
-(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
- Come in!
210
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:26,754
Miss Temple Savage, we need...
211
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,872
Bean! You came.
212
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,429
- Did you get the job?
- No, he did not!
213
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,839
- Do you know No-plums Eric?
- Get him out of here.
214
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,753
Bean, I told you not to drink.
215
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:41,197
Feck off!
I'm in the middle of an interview.
216
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,237
Miss Simple-Cabbage, will you tell him?
217
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:44,435
Come on.
218
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,309
(SIGHS)
219
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,438
No plums Eric?
220
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,756
For someone who was at
death's door last night,
221
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:04,639
Cydney appears to have made
a miracle recovery.
222
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:05,915
It's Cyd!
223
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,389
She weren't at death's door.
She tripped over.
224
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:09,999
Tripped? Ha!
225
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:12,515
I'm sorry?
226
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,319
She went down like Saddam Hussain
with a bag on his head.
227
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:16,840
I'm sorry?
228
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,753
Like a sack of spuds.
Bang, out for the count.
229
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,275
She wasn't out for the count.
She was fine.
230
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:23,749
Not a thing wrong with her.
231
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:25,912
Oh, you can say that again.
232
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,158
I didn't say that out loud, did I?
233
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:33,274
Well, if there was nothing
wrong with her,
234
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:34,634
how come she went to hospital?
235
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,075
I took Cyd to the hospital
as a precaution.
236
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,879
And you did right, son.
You can't be too careful.
237
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:41,519
Yeah.
238
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:44,951
I bet that'll cost a bob or two
because she won't have insurance.
239
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,872
How do you know
she doesn't have insurance?
240
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:52,880
Has she got insurance?
241
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,917
No, as it goes,
242
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,634
she doesn't have insurance.
But it wasn't expensive.
243
00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,189
- Here we go.
- Here we go where?
244
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,998
You've known her for 20 minutes
245
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,037
after bumping into her
in the middle of the jungle
246
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,350
and already she's bleeding you dry.
247
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,078
Bleeding me dry?
248
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,910
Because when I mention
the price of the hospital visit,
249
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,719
you automatically assume
I paid, is that right?
250
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,753
I'm saying nothing.
251
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:18,797
Really, well for somebody
who's "saying nothing",
252
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,599
there's a surprising amount of shite
coming out of your gob.
253
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,830
Hey, hey.
That's your nana you're talking to.
254
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,230
Thanks for reminding me.
255
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:28,000
Because listening to all this poisonous
crap she keeps coming out with,
256
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,674
- It's easy to forget.
- Tell him Billy.
257
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:35,431
Don't, uh... Don't use the word "crap".
It's swearing.
258
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,918
This family is a joke.
259
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,997
And one I've heard so many times,
260
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:45,640
I can't even bring meself
to laugh any more.
261
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,551
EDDIE: He won't have met her
in the jungle.
262
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:55,278
South America, it'll be rainforest.
263
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:56,998
Didn't you learn owt at school?
264
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,359
Oh, my God.
265
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,869
I'm sorry, madam.
I don't have the lyrics
266
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,270
to Who Put the Ram
in the Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong.
267
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:11,389
All words for the karaoke are provided
on screen at the time of singing.
268
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,790
I'm sorry, pet,
it's the same for everyone.
269
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,157
- Hey!
- Ah, bloody hell.
270
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,269
Excuse me, sir. Are you okay?
271
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,636
I tripped over a rather large woman.
272
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:29,552
I don't think it was her fault.
273
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:32,274
I imagine it's probably genetic.
274
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,476
I'm not surprised
you fell over with those shoes.
275
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,198
Well, look who it is.
276
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,074
Sam!
277
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:41,833
(BOTH LAUGHING)
278
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:43,240
You know this fella?
279
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,152
We have a history of
performing together.
280
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,669
Do you see? Panic over.
281
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:49,360
So what brings you here?
282
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:53,599
Apart from the enchanting decor
and the wildly attractive staff?
283
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:57,879
I just got given a job
by the lovely Miss Wimple-Ravage.
284
00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,758
Temple-Savage.
285
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,194
That' s the one.
286
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:03,749
Temple Savage gave you a job here?
287
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:07,557
If it's collecting glasses, you do know
you're not supposed to drink the dregs?
288
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,313
Children's entertainer.
289
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,399
I love children.
290
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,749
I don't hate them. I love them.
291
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,229
You're the new
Solana's children's entertainer?
292
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:21,951
As I said, just been given the job
by Miss Pimple-Gabbage herself.
293
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:26,636
Right. Well, do you want me to show you
where the Kids' Club is?
294
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,752
I'll meet you back here in 20.
295
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:33,595
I'm just gonna nip home
and slip into something more hilarious.
296
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:39,439
I don't hate kids. I love 'em.
love 'em to bits.
297
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,074
I've seen nothing.
298
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:50,399
Unfortunately, Lesley,
that statement couldn't be more true.
299
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,352
(JAUNTY KNOCKING ON DOOR)
300
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:54,949
Come in.
301
00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:57,319
You beauty.
302
00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,598
You got my text, then?
303
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,597
You don't know
what this means to me, Joyce.
304
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:04,513
I'm sorry I had to make you wait, Monty.
305
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,030
But I do have protocol to adhere to.
306
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,837
Clearly, the other candidate
wasn't a patch on me.
307
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,116
I don't know. It was quite close.
308
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,231
- Well, the best man won.
- Only just.
309
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:17,192
- Sorry?
- Here we are.
310
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:27,113
You are now officially
the Solana's Entertainments Manager.
311
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:31,239
Joyce, is it okay
if I just nip out for a couple of hours?
312
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:32,634
For heaven's sake, Monty,
313
00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,950
you've not even started
and you're asking for time off.
314
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,235
No, no, no, no. It's work.
315
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,877
I've already put in a call
to Swifty Finklestein.
316
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,516
- Do you know him?
- No, I think I'd remember the name.
317
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,160
He used to book all the acts
for the Benidorm Palace.
318
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:50,029
And apparently,
The Great Crostini and Co are in town
319
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:51,235
and looking for work.
320
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:52,998
Isn't that an Italian bread?
321
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,871
No, he's one of the greatest magicians
that ever lived, according to Swifty.
322
00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:00,191
Oh, well, if Swifty says it,
I suppose it must be so.
323
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:03,637
- You won't regret this, Joyce.
- Heard that before somewhere.
324
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,839
Not only am I married
to the most wonderful woman in Benidorm,
325
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,271
I'm working with her, too, 24/7.
326
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:15,877
I've got it all! Chips and rice, Joyce.
Chips and rice.
327
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:22,840
Two hours maximum, three on the outside,
definitely no longer than four.
328
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,631
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- (SIGHS)
329
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:29,153
Bloody hell, you go away for two days,
330
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,038
it's like missing a whole month
of Hollyoaks.
331
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:34,158
Yeah, it's been a funny 48 hours.
332
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,834
- So where's Kenneth now?
- I've no idea.
333
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:41,193
He was quite shocked when I told him
I bought the lease to Blow 'n' Go.
334
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,715
Yeah, I did think it was a bit funny
that Troy never said anything.
335
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:48,715
I asked him not to say anything
because I wanted to tell you myself.
336
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:50,997
I thought you'd both be pleased.
337
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,196
Oh, I am pleased. I think it's amazing.
338
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:57,354
Well, Kenneth left very quickly
last night after I told him.
339
00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,592
And he's not turned up for work,
340
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,593
so I can only assume
he's not happy about it.
341
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,718
It must be love, love, love
342
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,235
Nothing more, nothing less
343
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:11,749
Love is the best
344
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:15,033
- Morning, Kenneth. You sound chirpy.
-(GRUNTS)
345
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:18,192
Where have you been?
You're an hour late.
346
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,036
Oh, blame the sun for shining.
Blame the birds for singing.
347
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:23,236
Blame the cooling breeze for soothing
348
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,596
that little ginger sunburned brow
of yours, Liam.
349
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,279
But do not blame me for being in love.
350
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,034
Having a boyfriend is not an excuse
for being late for work.
351
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:32,475
Oh! What's happened?
352
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:34,233
Have I missed the latest instalment
353
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,436
regarding the everchanging ownership
of Blow 'n' Go?
354
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,672
Oh, don't tell me. You've come up
trumps on a scratch card
355
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:41,671
and now you've bought it off Jacqueline.
356
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,154
Who will be the next owner
357
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,959
of the Costa Blanca's
premier hair and beauty salon? Hmm?
358
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:48,357
Mateo? Baby Jesus?
359
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,114
That woman with the blotchy arms
who sits outside the Piccadilly Bar
360
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:52,793
farting along in time to the music?
361
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:55,030
- It's hard to keep up.
- Stop being a bitch, Kenneth.
362
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:56,633
Jacqueline's been a good friend to us.
363
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,472
We should be pleased
we're working for her.
364
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:01,234
I don't work for people, Liam.
I work with them.
365
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:02,869
Well, I try to.
366
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,833
I'm gonna go put the kettle on.
367
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,833
First appointment isn't until midday.
368
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:12,515
- So, you boys take your time.
- Huh!
369
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:15,275
- I'll see you in a few minutes.
- No hurry.
370
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,759
Oh, my God, Liam.
I can't wait for you to meet Vlad.
371
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:21,956
He's a man-mountain. Six foot seven.
372
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,237
- Makes me look like Don Estelle.
- I don't know who that is.
373
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,755
What is your problem
with Jacqueline owning the salon?
374
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:29,434
She's the most kind, considerate,
caring person I know.
375
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:31,950
- You haven't met Vlad.
- Answer the question.
376
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,359
Where are you going? I'm talking.
377
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,351
Going into the old town to meet Vlad.
378
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,271
I've booked him in for a double session
of manscaping and intimate bleaching.
379
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,039
Twenty years of heterosexual marriage
380
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:44,760
have left him with an undercarriage
like a burnt-out Vauxhall Nova.
381
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,716
- You mean he's straight?
- Not any more.
382
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:49,998
There are no straight men
in this world, Liam.
383
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,276
Just them that haven't
met Kenneth Du Beke.
384
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:03,231
Oh, man. I'm sorry to hear
it's not working out with your folks.
385
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,669
It's just been Nana, really.
She's always been the same.
386
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,239
I should just ignore her.
387
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,358
Robbie, I think we should go back.
388
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,829
Your grandmother, she looks like a...
How you say, a...
389
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,957
- Bag lady?
- No.
390
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,792
- Evil witch?
- No.
391
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,996
- Withered old slag.
- Robbie, how can you say that?
392
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,191
In fairness, she is a bit of a slag.
393
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:23,600
She shagged Tiger last year.
394
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,273
- What?
- Yeah.
395
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,079
Last year, Tiger shagged Rob's nan.
396
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:29,838
No, no. He didn't.
397
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,519
Uh, I think you'll find he did.
(LAUGHING).
398
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:33,913
Oh, my God. That is hysterical.
399
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,636
I'm guessing it was better
than your shag last night.
400
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:38,190
Oh, man.
401
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,795
- She was first-class.
- You scored last night?
402
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,156
Of course, first night here.
I don't mess around.
403
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:44,915
Legend.
404
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:48,471
What? So, Robbie's grandmother has
a one-night stand and she's a slag.
405
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:51,279
But Callum has a one-night stand
and he's a legend?
406
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,758
Really, Robbie? Really?
407
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,238
- Well...
- Hola.
408
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,869
I thought you could be thirsty
after your exercise this morning.
409
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,029
For you. It's called "The Leg Spreader".
410
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:05,710
Thank you.
411
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:07,229
Excuse me.
412
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:08,909
I am actually here, you know.
413
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,510
Do you know
why it is called "The Leg Spreader?
414
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,632
Is it because it makes people do this?
415
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:17,996
- (YELPS)
- (BOYS LAUGHING)
416
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:20,839
- What is wrong with you?
- I'm going inside.
417
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,429
For a coffee.
418
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,239
All: Ooh!
419
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,200
Thanks for your support, lads. Nice one.
420
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,833
- Hey, you're a bit wet.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
421
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,111
I'm so excited.
422
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,790
Blow 'n' Go has been
such a big part of my life
423
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:41,872
for so many years.
424
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:43,758
Thought you wanted to
talk about the salon?
425
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:45,070
I do.
426
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,473
Oh, Liam.
427
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:50,558
I did mean the salon.
428
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:53,832
You meant "blow and go"
as in giving somebody...
429
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:54,990
Yeah, I know...
430
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:56,754
Oops, sorry.
431
00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:58,830
- Hide me.
- What?
432
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:00,035
Quick. Hide me!
433
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:01,997
How am I supposed do that?
You're enormous.
434
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,231
- I beg your pardon?
- I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.
435
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,709
- You just panicked me.
- Oh, Kenneth. What's happened?
436
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,552
- It's Vlad.
- Who?
437
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,673
Vladimir. He's left his wife
and he wants me to marry him.
438
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,798
- Oh, congratulations.
- Will you just shut up and hide me?
439
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,439
- Get in there.
- I can't go in there.
440
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:20,115
- It's too small. I'll never...
- Oh, good.
441
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,357
(SCREAMS)
442
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:27,111
I'm sorry. We don't often
have somebody quite as tall
443
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,551
as you in here.
It gave me quite a shock.
444
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,552
Do you have an appointment?
445
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,876
- Where is Kenneth?
- Kenneth?
446
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:35,230
Kenneth?
447
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:38,551
- This salon belong to Kenneth.
- Oh, no. I'm sorry.
448
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,758
I think you're mistaken.
This is my salon.
449
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,433
I love Kenneth.
450
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:47,753
Oh, well. That's smashing.
But I'm sorry, we can't help you.
451
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:51,790
Kenneth? Wasn't that the name
of a trainee we had?
452
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:53,155
What trainee?
453
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,074
Oh.
454
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,874
That big fat lad who was a bit simple.
455
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,871
- KENNETH: (MUFFLED) None taken!
-(SNEEZING)
456
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,315
He was a bit of a fantasist,
wasn't he, Jacqueline?
457
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:04,710
Oh, yes. A bit of a fantasist.
458
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,871
Kenneth used to tell people
he worked here for years.
459
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:08,792
He's even told some people
that he owned the salon,
460
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,998
when in fact he was just a deluded,
overgrown child
461
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,469
who couldn't cut a head of hair
if his life depended on it.
462
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:16,040
- KENNETH: Oh!
- (COUGHS)
463
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,592
And we haven't seen him for days.
464
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:23,719
So, if you don't want a haircut,
I think we'd better get on, love.
465
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:26,878
I love Kenneth.
I don't care what people think.
466
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:28,917
I leave my wife for Kenneth.
467
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,599
I will find him and love him forever.
468
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:35,355
- Oh.
- Because he's my life.
469
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:38,152
The reason for my living.
470
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,714
- I will go now.
- Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
471
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:44,474
- Thank you.
- Oh.
472
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,196
(GROANS) Okay. Okay.
473
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:50,157
- Thank you and good luck.
- Bye.
474
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:51,639
Oh, do call again.
475
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,079
Oh.
476
00:23:57,760 --> 00:23:59,114
Okay, yeah.
477
00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:01,839
(PANTING)
478
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,074
- Come out. Come out.
- Jesus Christ!
479
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,038
Are you two trying to kill me?
480
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:12,394
I could hardly breathe in there.
481
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:15,552
You could hardly breathe? It stinks of
fish in here, thanks to your boyfriend.
482
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:17,039
Jacqueline, get the air freshener.
483
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:18,839
Has he definitely left the hotel?
484
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:20,877
Get in the back while I check
the coast is clear.
485
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,033
(EXCLAIMS)
486
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,720
- Sorry.
- You are! You are trying to kill me.
487
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,155
- Get in the back!
- Oh, bloody hell.
488
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:30,075
(SIGHS)
489
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:33,431
Oh, I don't know. What a day.
490
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,753
Right. I think I'll have a siesta.
491
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,796
Right, best part of the day, is this.
492
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:48,837
It's a bit hot for me.
493
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:52,954
No. I mean when you frig off and
leave us in peace for couple of hours.
494
00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:54,912
Dad! Bloody hell.
495
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:57,116
Oh, don't you two start again.
496
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,794
You tend to have your little nap
just after breakfast,
497
00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:01,598
don't you Eddie, in your chair?
498
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:05,639
I generally have a 15-minute power nap
about 11 o'clock.
499
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:06,869
I know.
500
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:10,591
It's the only time
I get a chance to piss in your drinks.
501
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:13,399
See you later.
502
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:15,352
What is wrong with that woman?
503
00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:17,073
She's disgusting.
504
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,278
When she said drinks,
505
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:23,269
she meant his drinks,
not all our drinks, didn't she?
506
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:35,875
I'm gonna, uh, freshen me drink.
507
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:38,673
- Anyone else want another...
- Yeah.
508
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:40,239
- Yeah.
- Back in a minute.
509
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:46,511
What did your nan say about me?
510
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:48,550
(SIGHS)
511
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,200
- You said you didn't wanna know.
- Well, I want to know now.
512
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:56,074
She...
513
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,752
thinks you're a gold-digger.
514
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,074
You have lots of gold?
515
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:03,234
No. Not much.
516
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:07,231
Well, none, actually. But Loretta
thinks you've got even less than me.
517
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:09,471
I do not want anything from you, Robbie.
518
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:11,800
Except your love.
519
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:14,990
- You know that, don't you?
- Of course I know that.
520
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:17,589
And if you did have lot of gold to dig,
521
00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:21,590
I wouldn't want you more.
I could not want you more.
522
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,229
Same here.
523
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,789
So, if I had lots of gold,
you wouldn't care?
524
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:29,036
What if I was a secret millionaire?
525
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:31,393
I wouldn't care either way.
526
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:32,834
It makes no difference.
527
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:40,637
- You're not, are you?
- I could be.
528
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,313
It's just that if you are,
I was gonna suggest
529
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,073
going somewhere nice for lunch.
530
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:46,953
If not, then I'll just get
another couple of instant coffees in.
531
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:48,554
If love was money,
532
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:50,754
I'd be a billionaire.
533
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:53,119
Two instant coffees it is, then?
534
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:54,235
(CHUCKLES)
535
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,231
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
536
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,517
- Where was she from?
- No idea.
537
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:08,920
She just came up to me
in the club and said
538
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:12,118
"I'm not a girl who likes to
waste people's time.
539
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:13,874
�Have you got somewhere to go?�
540
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:15,639
First time Sam and I did it,
541
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,996
I couldn't walk
for almost an hour after.
542
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:21,118
- What'd she do, sit on your knee?
- No.
543
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,476
Oh, God. Another missed call from her.
544
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:25,638
- What's her name?
- Her name?
545
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:29,355
- Yeah.
- Uh, I didn't put it in my phone, uh...
546
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,151
Gin. Ginny. Jenny.
547
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:35,630
Aye, that was it. Jenny.
548
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:36,835
And she keeps ringing you?
549
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:39,275
- Oh, God. I don't believe it.
- What?
550
00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:41,271
- Another text as well.
- From Jenny?
551
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,357
"Hey, babe, when can I see you again?
552
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:44,999
"You said you'd take me to dinner."
553
00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:48,954
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
God, the things I say when I'm drunk.
554
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:50,633
All right, boys? What's happening?
555
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:52,552
Oh, hey, Sam. Oh, not a lot, really.
556
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:55,473
Well, I say that.
Callum met a girl last night.
557
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,029
Hmrn, yeah? Are you gonna see her again?
558
00:27:58,200 --> 00:27:59,599
Well, she's certainly keen.
559
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:01,114
She keeps texting and ringing him.
560
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:04,477
Well, this must be fate.
I've just been given a voucher.
561
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,757
Dinner for four at the opening of
the new Argentinean steak house
562
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:10,434
-in the old town tonight.
- Well, how did you get that?
563
00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:13,558
Oh, I did some work a while ago
for a promotions company.
564
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:16,439
All they ask is that I write good review
for the restaurant's website.
565
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:18,591
And you can bring Jenny.
566
00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:20,353
Well, I don't know
if she actually likes...
567
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:21,839
Uh, three course meal.
568
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,713
Choice of sirloin,
fillet or rib-eye steak.
569
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,474
Champagne cocktail, all wine included.
570
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:28,835
Well, I could ask but...
571
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,275
And you said you'd take her out
for a meal. This is perfect, man.
572
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,630
- Well, it...
- Uh, Joey, I was wondering
573
00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:36,030
if you could just help me move
some stuff in my room?
574
00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:40,079
- Oh. What is it?
- Oh, just some stuff I need to move.
575
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:41,639
I'm on a half-hour break.
576
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,553
What kind of stuff? Is it heavy?
577
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,711
What's it matter
what kind of stuff it is?
578
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,474
Well, if it's heavy or awkward,
Callum could give us a hand as well.
579
00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:52,279
Joey, she wants to have sex with you.
580
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:53,910
What?
581
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:55,714
Oh...
582
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:58,389
- Callum, mate, do you mind if I er...
- Just go.
583
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:02,636
We'll see you later tonight. With jenny.
584
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:04,119
JOEY: See you in about half an hour.
585
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,919
- Um, it might be a bit longer.
- Half-hour-ish.
586
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:09,833
Yeah. Send me a text if you need
carrying down.
587
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:13,433
I see your crazy friend has gone.
588
00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:15,599
You'll have to narrow that down a bit.
589
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:18,878
Ah, is good. You want another drink?
590
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:20,951
Here, you wouldn't happen
to know any girls
591
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:23,190
that'd be interested in a free champagne
dinner, would you?
592
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:25,954
Si, claro. I know lots of girls.
593
00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:28,833
But this girl has to be
beyond beautiful.
594
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:30,831
I'm talking absolutely insane.
595
00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:33,431
She doesn't have to fancy me.
It's not a real date,
596
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:35,158
but she gets
a champagne dinner out of it.
597
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:37,269
I know just the girl.
598
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,829
She's called Loca Lucy. Whoo!
599
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:41,558
Sounds good to me.
600
00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:44,234
- I'll get you her number.
- Thanks, man.
601
00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:52,715
What's going on?
I'm supposed to be on a break.
602
00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:55,309
The man with the weird face.
603
00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:00,640
(EXCLAIMS) Ah!
604
00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:02,791
Can't catch you kids out.
605
00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:05,110
You're all as still as statues.
606
00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:07,038
Bean, what are you doing?
607
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:09,475
We're playing musical statues.
608
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:12,589
You shouldn't be bothering me with this.
609
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:15,553
What the hell's going on?
610
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:18,675
- You again?
- We didn't clarify
611
00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:21,076
if this position included drinks or not.
612
00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:23,720
So I brought my own. I hope that's okay.
613
00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:25,200
Oh!
614
00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:26,630
Oh!
615
00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:39,000
(SIGHS)
616
00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:45,751
Excuse me, pal. I don't suppose
you've got a single euro coin, have you?
617
00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:47,837
No, I've got several. Now, piss off.
618
00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,759
Hello, Swifty?
This is Monty Staines here.
619
00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:56,754
I'm sitting at this cafe
on the beachfront
620
00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,639
and your magician is nowhere to be seen.
621
00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:02,957
- If you think you're gonna get 10%...
- Have you got five euro note?
622
00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:04,794
Do you mind? I'm on a...
623
00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:06,715
Five euros?
624
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:09,038
It was one euro a minute ago.
625
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,430
I think you're going
in the wrong direction, pal.
626
00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:14,874
Swifty, give us a call
as soon as you've got this message.
627
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:18,678
I have no act
for the Solana tonight because...
628
00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:21,435
Eh?
629
00:31:23,120 --> 00:31:26,829
Swifty, don't bother calling back,
your magician has suddenly appeared.
630
00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:30,317
As if by magic.
631
00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:32,471
Why didn't you say
you were the magician?
632
00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:34,517
Well, I tried to do a trick
with your own money
633
00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:35,829
but you wouldn't give me a chance.
634
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:38,833
- I thought you were a beggar.
- A beggar?
635
00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:41,070
I am The Great Crostini!
636
00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:42,878
The great unwashed, more like.
637
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:44,712
Have got a one euro coin?
638
00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:48,077
- Oh, Christ. Not another one.
- I've done that one already.
639
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:51,039
Sorry, I was in the toilet,
loading me big finish.
640
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,197
- Who are you?
- I'm Co.
641
00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:55,598
I'm guessing not Sebastian.
642
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:57,478
We are The Great Crostini and Co.
643
00:31:57,760 --> 00:32:00,593
- I am The Great Crostini.
- And I'm Co.
644
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:04,394
Do we get the gig at the Solana?
645
00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:06,716
I don't know.
Well, your magic's all right.
646
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:08,996
But could you make
a couple of layers of dirt
647
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:10,832
on that rather offensive pong disappear?
648
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:13,037
That's not a very nice thing to say.
649
00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,794
The thing is they've turned
the water off at the caravan park.
650
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:17,473
We could always freshen up at the hotel.
651
00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:20,197
Why do I think I'm gonna regret this?
652
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:32,794
Thanks.
653
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:34,994
Not bad for free, eh?
654
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:37,990
So, where is this mysterious Jenny?
655
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:41,751
She's... She's actually called Lucy.
656
00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:44,834
I got her name wrong. I was very drunk.
657
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:47,958
Probably won't even come. I haven't
actually managed to speak to her today.
658
00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:49,678
We've only chatted
by text message, so...
659
00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:53,516
Oh, we're not quite ready
to order yet sorry.
660
00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:54,999
Are you Callum?
661
00:32:57,000 --> 00:33:00,072
- I'm sorry?
- I'm Lucy from last night.
662
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:03,236
Sorry I'm late.
I had to come straight from work.
663
00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:05,795
Fucking hell, it's the dog's bollocks
in here, isn't it?
664
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:08,793
Is that a champagne?
Oh, my God, I love champagne.
665
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:12,553
Does make me quite gassy, though.
666
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:14,551
-(FARTS LOUDLY)
- Ooh, there she blows.
667
00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:16,637
Actually that'll be
the curry I had for me dinner.
668
00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:18,519
I work at Karma Chameleon.
669
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,552
The Indian opposite Mr Wu's.
You know it?
670
00:33:21,360 --> 00:33:24,637
Oh, my God, bread. I love bread so much.
671
00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:35,351
What to do, how to move him
672
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:40,710
I've been changed, yes, really changed
673
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:45,596
In these past few days
674
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:48,958
When I've seen myself
675
00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:53,955
I seem like someone else
676
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:57,190
I ....
677
00:33:57,280 --> 00:33:58,793
Did you see the poster outside?
678
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:01,918
(LAUGHING)
There's a magician on tonight.
679
00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:06,794
I used to dabble in a bit of
prestidigitation in the '70s.
680
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:09,872
Oh, I used to wonder what that policeman
was doing outside our house.
681
00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:13,669
Well, it's mainly all to do with
false bottoms, you know.
682
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:14,835
(LAUGHING)
683
00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:18,595
Oh, God. It isn't fair. You're not
even letting me do the punchlines.
684
00:34:18,680 --> 00:34:19,670
Shame Cydney isn't here.
685
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,479
She could tell you a few things
about false bottoms.
686
00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:24,949
What does that mean? And her name's Cyd.
687
00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:26,991
I've worked it all out.
688
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:30,311
- She's not a gold-digger.
- Oh. Thank you. Finally.
689
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:32,317
Maybe we can all get along
a bit better now.
690
00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:36,673
- She's a drugs mule.
- Oh, for God's sake.
691
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:38,194
You mark my words.
692
00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:40,789
You're laughing now,
but when it all comes out
693
00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:44,157
and our Rob's being bummed by
Mr Big in a South American jail,
694
00:34:44,240 --> 00:34:46,675
he'll be one wishing
he had a false bottom.
695
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:49,317
What do you put in that thing,
crystal meth?
696
00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:52,273
No, but I know who I'd go to
if I wanted some.
697
00:34:54,240 --> 00:34:55,469
Hello, son.
698
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:58,036
- We've just been talking about...
- Magicians.
699
00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:02,269
- There's a magician on tonight.
- Great. We'll get some drinks.
700
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:05,000
- Thanks, son.
- I'll go to powder my nose.
701
00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:12,709
So, where is he?
702
00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:15,196
Oh, he'll be here.
He's just getting a shower.
703
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:17,834
- A shower?
- Yes, Joyce. A shower.
704
00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:20,560
The acts do freshen up
before they go on stage.
705
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:22,950
And what kind of magic does he do?
706
00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:26,795
He turned this receipt
into a huge euro coin.
707
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:28,951
He won't want paying, then.
708
00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:36,079
Yes, young un?
- You know my trousers,
709
00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:38,879
they are still sticky and wet
because of your girlfriend.
710
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:41,560
Yeah, she has that effect on most men.
711
00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:42,835
(CHUCKLES)
712
00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:48,078
Bloody hell, it's the Old Bill.
713
00:35:48,720 --> 00:35:50,996
I'm gonna swap me shift
with Josie on reception.
714
00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:54,718
- Lesley, you are okay?
- I'm fine.
715
00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:56,674
Which one is Bill?
716
00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:00,190
It scares me so
717
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:03,996
I want him so
718
00:36:04,080 --> 00:36:07,391
I love him so
719
00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:10,274
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
720
00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:23,714
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
721
00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:26,838
Monty Staines,
your Entertainments Manager here,
722
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:31,597
welcoming you to an evening of
mystery and magic
723
00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:35,834
with The Great Crostini and Co!
724
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,196
(JAUNTY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
725
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:02,714
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
726
00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:34,356
- Here you go.
- Well, thanks, son.
727
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:41,032
- Where's me nana gone?
- No idea. But nobody's complaining.
728
00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:50,438
(CROWD CHEERING)
729
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:54,356
Hey, are you not watching this?
Bloody amazing.
730
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:55,794
Don't fancy yours much.
731
00:37:57,440 --> 00:37:59,431
This is all very easy.
732
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:01,679
When you know how.
733
00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:04,510
- Go on, then.
- Go on, then, what?
734
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:06,591
Where the bloody hell
are these doves coming from?
735
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:11,593
I can't see which method he's using.
I'd have to get a bit closer.
736
00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:16,391
- I've been thinking.
- Oh, heck.
737
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:20,110
If me owning the salon
upsets you that much, Kenneth,
738
00:38:20,240 --> 00:38:21,560
I'll sell it on.
739
00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:27,509
- Who to?
- I don't know. Anybody who wants it.
740
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,718
Oh, brilliant. So now we end up
with a boss that we don't even know?
741
00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:32,950
You weren't exactly thrilled
with one that you do know.
742
00:38:33,040 --> 00:38:34,792
Look, I'm sorry, Jacqueline.
743
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:38,032
But when I was given free rent
at the salon by me Uncle Herbert,
744
00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:40,273
it was like a dream come true to me.
745
00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:42,717
Then he died
and Norman the Doorman got it.
746
00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:45,110
And then Troy got it. Now you've got it.
747
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:48,355
It just seems like all my dreams
are getting further and further away.
748
00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:51,273
Well, it'll seem a lot further away if
we get somebody in that we don't know.
749
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:52,634
I know.
750
00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:56,232
Oh, I'm sorry, Jacqueline,
I did overreact.
751
00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:59,474
Just always seems like the grass is
greener on the other side.
752
00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:02,399
- Like having a boyfriend.
- Oh, God. Don't.
753
00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:04,471
What a nightmare he turned out to be.
754
00:39:04,560 --> 00:39:06,995
Do you know what it's like to have
someone completely obsessed with you?
755
00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:08,400
Worships the ground that you walk on,
756
00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:10,710
can't be without you
for more than ten minutes at a time?
757
00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:12,837
- Wonderful?
- No! It's bleedin' awful.
758
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:15,196
Back to the single life for me
from now on.
759
00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:16,839
Back to one night stands
760
00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:19,309
and waking up on the bog in Cafe "B"
at six o'clock in the morning.
761
00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:21,596
- Do you mind if we don't drink to that?
- No.
762
00:39:21,720 --> 00:39:24,917
Very happy to drink on me own.
Very happy indeed.
763
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:25,990
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
764
00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:31,675
MONTY". And now, The Great Crostini
and Co require a volunteer
765
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:35,037
for the world premier
of their new illusion.
766
00:39:35,240 --> 00:39:37,038
EDDIE: Here you are! Here you are!
767
00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:48,198
Yes, can I help you, pet?
768
00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:50,556
My son's locked himself out of his room.
769
00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:52,517
Is it possible to get a new key for...
770
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:56,874
Oh, I've forgotten the room number
and he's just told me.
771
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:58,678
His name's Rob Dawson.
772
00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:00,154
Nae bother, one second.
773
00:40:03,120 --> 00:40:06,112
And I said, I don't usually shag
on the first date.
774
00:40:06,240 --> 00:40:09,039
But seeing as you're dead fit,
I'll make an exception.
775
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:10,110
(FARTS)
776
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:12,510
Oh, God. Sorry. It's all this fizz.
777
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:14,949
More champagne?
778
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:17,429
- No!
- Yeah, whack it in, Pedro.
779
00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:20,353
Play your cards right
and you'll get another go tonight.
780
00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:22,113
Although, no funny business.
781
00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:24,800
I had a lamb pasanda before I left work
'cause somebody had left it
782
00:40:24,880 --> 00:40:26,837
and I'm feeling a bit bubbly,
if you know what I mean.
783
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:29,673
Right. let's get one thing straight.
784
00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:31,353
I did not meet you last night.
785
00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:35,229
We did not have sex and we are not
having sex tonight or ever.
786
00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:36,958
So, this isn't the girl from last night?
787
00:40:37,040 --> 00:40:39,190
There was no girl from last night.
788
00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:40,835
I went home alone.
789
00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:44,800
Sorry, I don't understand. Mateo told me
to say we had sex last night.
790
00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:46,632
He also said you were a looker,
791
00:40:46,720 --> 00:40:49,109
which I can only assume
is Spanish for "disgusting".
792
00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:51,317
Disgusting? Where did you get that from?
793
00:40:51,400 --> 00:40:52,515
(FARTS)
794
00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:54,678
Oh God, I can't believe it.
795
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:56,831
I knew I shouldn't have had
that lamb pasanda.
796
00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:58,354
Oh, my God!
797
00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:01,676
Sorry. Back in a minute.
798
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:03,274
(LAUGHING)
799
00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:12,678
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
800
00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:29,793
(SCREAMING)
801
00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:32,474
EDDIE: (MUFFLED) What the frigging hell
do you think you're doing?
802
00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:34,631
- His head's too big.
- Shut up.
803
00:41:41,320 --> 00:41:43,789
I just want to clear the air,
now me nana and granddad aren't here.
804
00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:46,235
I don't think your granddad's
gonna be here for much longer.
805
00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:50,991
I want you to know
that me and Cyd are serious.
806
00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:53,670
Deadly serious about our relationship.
807
00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:55,478
Can you not use words like
"deadly serious"
808
00:41:55,560 --> 00:41:57,836
- while this is going on, son?
- To prove it...
809
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:12,639
Cyd. Cyd, will you marry me?
810
00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:19,872
Well, don't leave me down here
all night.
811
00:42:25,520 --> 00:42:27,238
Oh... Oh, no.
812
00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:30,550
Robbie! Robbie!
813
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:32,790
(INAUDIBLE)
814
00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:36,550
(SCREAMING)
815
00:42:38,480 --> 00:42:41,120
- Oh, God. That's all we need.
- I just want to say,
816
00:42:41,240 --> 00:42:44,232
I have been treated very shabbily.
817
00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:46,834
- Very shabbily indeeed.
- Get out!
818
00:42:47,000 --> 00:42:48,832
I just want a job here.
819
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:52,635
I'm an entertainer.
Your guests need entertaining.
820
00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:53,950
Oi!
821
00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:55,519
- How's it stuck?
- I don't know.
822
00:42:55,680 --> 00:42:57,398
- Here, take it here.
- To me?
823
00:42:57,480 --> 00:42:58,993
- To me? To you again.
- To you?
824
00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:01,276
- To me? To you.
- To me. To you.
825
00:43:01,360 --> 00:43:03,749
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Steady. Steady.
826
00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:07,312
Oh, Danny boy
827
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:12,312
The pipes, the pipes are calling
828
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:16,196
From glen to glen
829
00:43:16,600 --> 00:43:21,800
And down the mountainside
830
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:25,353
For summer's gone
831
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:29,999
And all the leaves are falling
832
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:34,912
'Tis you, 'tis you
833
00:43:35,080 --> 00:43:40,029
Must go and I must bide
834
00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:43,149
But come ye back...
835
00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:45,073
It's all gone very avant-garde,
hasn't it?
836
00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:47,715
- Very Martha Graham.
- Who?
837
00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:51,074
- Kenneth, I love you.
- What?
838
00:43:51,240 --> 00:43:54,631
Jesus Christ! Get off me! Get off me!
839
00:43:55,920 --> 00:43:57,831
Kenneth, I love you.
840
00:43:57,920 --> 00:44:00,116
- No!
- I love you, Kenneth.
841
00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:04,518
- Well?
- You said you wanted someone insane.
842
00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:06,716
I said she had to look insane.
843
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:10,077
- So? She does this, too.
- Insanely beautiful, I mean.
844
00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:12,993
Okay. No, this is not Loca Lucy.
845
00:44:13,240 --> 00:44:18,155
So why do you call her Looker Lucy
when she's quite clearly not a Looker?
846
00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:19,469
"Loca" Lucy.
847
00:44:19,680 --> 00:44:21,671
Loca. It means crazy.
848
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:26,710
- I love you so
- Vladimir, get off me! Vladimir!
849
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:29,519
- Kenneth. Kenneth. Kenneth.
- Bloody hell!
850
00:44:33,200 --> 00:44:34,554
Shit.
851
00:44:43,360 --> 00:44:44,919
What are you doing?
852
00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:47,477
Robbie? Robbie?
853
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:50,070
I'm sorry, the reason
I didn't answer you was because...
854
00:44:54,440 --> 00:44:58,320
I came up to leave something
under your pillow.
855
00:45:05,320 --> 00:45:07,596
You two have a lovely night.
856
00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:19,799
(SIGHS)
857
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:23,474
And all my grave
858
00:45:23,560 --> 00:45:28,157
Will warmer, sweeter be
859
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:30,835
(SCREAMING)
860
00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:36,234
Then you will bend and tell me
861
00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:39,392
- That you love me
-(AUDIENCE GASPS)
862
00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:41,399
I think we better get out of here.
863
00:45:41,480 --> 00:45:42,959
- To mine?
- To yours.
864
00:45:43,520 --> 00:45:49,072
- Dad!
- Come to
865
00:45:49,600 --> 00:45:53,673
Me.........
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
866
00:45:58,400 --> 00:45:59,595
Come on!
867
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:01,193
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
66634
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