Original subtitles

(IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR PLAYING)

Oh, flipping heck!

Ah, you got your scarf stuck, pet.

- There you are. - Oh, thank you.

- Oh, that's lovely. - Oh, they're gorgeous shoes. Gorgeous.

Thank you.

Do you know if they do them in a wide fitting?

Oh, God! I've left me other bag.

MICK: Right, where's the complaints desk?

Oh, for God's sake! Can't we just forget it and get on with our holiday!

A pound to have a shit on the plane and you want me to forget it?

No way. I'm taking this to the top.

- Just leave it. - No, I won't leave it.

Me bacon bap was only 90 pence this morning.

It's cost me 10 pence more to get rid of it!

- Do you mind? - Yeah, I do mind.

That's why I'm making a complaint.

Now, where's the desk? She said it was here.

The flights were only cheap, they've got to make money somehow.

You're joking, aren't you? They're raking it in!

Did you not see that drinks menu? Four pound for a gin and tonic!

- When do you drink gin and tonic? - I don't.

But I do go to the bog

and it's cost me the grand total of one pound for the pleasure!

What were you doing? You were in there about half an hour.

What was I doing? I was getting me moneys worth.

Can't we just get on the coach?

We're not getting a coach. Mel's sending someone to pick us up.

See if you can see a sign with our name on it.

Oh, my God, I wonder if he's sent a limo.

Come on, then.

Budget airways? They're taking the piss!

Who budgets to spend a pound to have a tomtit on the plane?

Oh, will you give over? You've paid it and it's done with now.

Yeah, I know I've paid it but it's annoyed me.

Well, don't worry, you can't tell.

what if we'd all wanted to go for one, eh?

What if I'd wanted two? That's four quid.

What would you want two for? It's only a two and a half hour flight.

No, sorry, they’ve gone too far this time.

There's no way I'm letting this one go.

Shame you didn't say that on the plane, you'd have saved yourself a pound.

(CHUCKLING)

Right, come on.

(MARY'S LITTLE BOY CHILD PLAYING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Casa Blanca. Mrs Mel Harvey speaking.

Mrs Harvey, I'm at the airport.

I can't find your daughter and your son-in-law.

Hello? Who is it?

- What do you want? - It's Les.

- Mel's driver. - Oh, it's you.

I've told you I can hardly understand a word you're saying.

You'll have to speak slowly. You're not in Wales now.

(ENUNCIATING) I am at the airport and there's nay...

There's no sign of Mick and Janice.

What do you mean there's no sign of them?

They sent a text saying they landed half an hour ago.

English couple in their early 40s with a little blonde lad.

- You made a sign, didn't you? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a sign...

- ...Budget Airways. - Oh!

I think I've got them. just stay there.

- Well, that was a waste of time. - No, it wasn't.

I've got me complaint form. I'm taking this to the top.

- Mick? Janice? - Yeah?

Ah! You're all right, Mrs Harvey, I've got them.

You should have said they were a mixed race couple.

I would have spotted them straight away. I'll see you in a bit.

Mixed race?

I'm Les. Mel's driver.

Welcome to paradise.

- You all right, son? - Yeah.

You know that Mel's not back from Marrakech yet.

Yeah, I know. we heard.

Business trip, my arse. He'll be sitting in a tent

with a dozen belly dancers ripping up his return ticket.

Okay, everyone, bus station is through here and to the left.

(LITTLE GREEN BAG PLAYING}

Thank you. Thank you.

Any spare euros for the Nuns of Altea?

Ah, sorry. Church of Scotland.

Oh, sorry about that, they had to scan me luggage three times.

Honestly, have people never seen a handbag

in the shape of a dachshund before?

(LAUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Car? Outside?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Thank you.

- Please, can I have your autograph? - Oh, certainly.

- Who's it for? - Me.

- Oh, is that a Spanish name? - (CHUCKLING)

Salutations.

Richard of York gained battle in vain.

- Are you talking to me? - There was a rainbow this morning.

Richard of York

gained battle in vain.

Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet.

Have you lost the person looking after you?

Now, a small libation if you please.

- What? - A quaff of mead.

A flagon of grog, a sneaky snifter.

- I'd like a drink. - I think you've had enough already.

Oh, the sun is not yet over the yardarm, so don't let's go mad.

What about a tomato juice?

- What about it? - Can I have one?

- No. - What do you mean "no"?

"No" is the opposite of "yes."

Now, don't try and get smart with me, young man.

My father was on nodding terms with Franco,

so don't talk to me like I'm a tourist.

NOREEN: Oh, there you are.

I've been waiting outside the loo for you,

I thought you'd fallen in.

This is your wife?

You married this crazy man?

He's not me husband. We're just friends.

Hey, listen to me, sonny.

I've had my eye on you.

For the last 15 minutes you've contravened

at least half a dozen level three European hygiene laws.

One word to the powers that be,

you'll be mopping floors at Alicante airport.

So, two tomato juices, please.

- Is everything all right? - (CHUCKLES) Yes. Oh, it is now.

Oh, I don't believe this.

I think I've left me glasses on the cistern.

Can you take this? I won't be long.

Oh, get us a couple of sunbeds.

Will do.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Um, just checking for the glasses.

Right.

As you were.

No, there's no booking for six couples under the name of Stewart.

You must be able to find us somewhere on the system,

there can't be many parties of 12 booked in.

You're joking, aren't you?

There's that many stag parties booked in here over Christmas

it's beginning to look like an episode of It's-A Knockout.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

Is it all right if we get a drink? I'm starting to gag,

- and I don't do that very often. - You can say that again.

Oh, hang on, you're not the jazz band, are you?

- Jazz band? - Middlesbrough Swing Association?

It's actually Middlesbrough Swingers Association.

Thank you, Marvin. Yes, you're quite right, that's us.

I knew there had to be some kind of mistake.

(INHALES) Right, we've got four triple rooms booked.

That's correct.

Hang on, four triples. I thought you were six couples?

- Yes. - Well, how come you've got four triples?

Uh, hello, we're a swingers association.

Thank you, Marvin.

- (CLEARS THROAT) We're on a budget. - Budget.

Oh, right. Well, you all need to fill a form in

and then it's one wristband each.

What instrument do you play!

Anything they put in front of me.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Oi, Lewis Hamilton.

That sign on the motorway, 120 kilometres an hour?

You do realise that's the limit, not a target.

That was brilliant.

There you go. The residence of Mr and Mrs Mel Harvey,

- Casa Blanca. - Oh, my God, look at it!

MICHAEL: No way! MICK: Casa Blanca?

How come it's painted orange?

- What do you mean? - Well, what does Casa Blanca mean?

Oh, it's no use asking me, I've never bothered with the lingo.

Here we go. Home sweet home.

MICK: Bloody hell! JANICE: Oh, my God!

Right, I'll go get the rest of the cases.

MICHAEL: Is this really where me nana and Mel live?

Oh, yeah, unless what's-his-face has got the wrong house.

Right, come on then, let's go and have a look.

(LAUGHING) Well, it's definitely Mel's house.

You can tell by the understated elegance, just like his car.

How come Mel's got so much money!

He's a successful businessman.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, that, and he's got long pockets and short arms.

You couldn't get a drink out of him if your gob was on fire.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

That's my husband you're talking about.

(CHUCKLING) Bloody hell! It's the creature from the Black Lagoon.

- MICHAEL: Nana! - Hey, watch me mask!

- So what took you so long? - Hiya, mam.

- (EXCLAIMING) - JANICE: Ooh!

Oh, isn't this lovely!

Les brought us in the Benidorm car, it's a convertible. It's brilliant!

You know, Mel's not back yet.

I'm running the whole place single-handed.

Oh, well, at least you managed to drag yourself out of bed by 10:50.

I've been up since 7:00.

I've just been in the outdoor jacuzzi.

- Oh, my God, you've got a jacuzzi! - With the compliments of Mr Mel Harvey.

Well, bring it over here then instead of standing there like a tit in a trance.

What the bloody hell's happened to you?

- What do you mean? - What do I mean? You look fire damaged.

It's the new spray tans at work.

Mick tried one out without reading the instructions.

It was you what sprayed me, I kept asking you if I looked all right.

JANICE: Well, I didn't think it would dry like that.

No, and it didn't. It got bloody darker.

I went from Gary Wilmot to Sammy Davis junior in under half an hour.

If you two have come here to argue you can all piss off back home.

I want a nice quiet Christmas.

It's a time for peace. Good will to all men.

Oi! Where the frig do you think you're going?

I want another drink.

So when's Mel back then?

Oh, he should have been back two days ago.

It's been murder getting a flight.

There's a baggage handlers' strike in Marrakech.

Lazy bastards!

Give them a flute and a snake in a basket and they'll beg all day long.

He should be ringing soon.

Oh.

Eh!

- That's better. - MICK: Bloody hell!

Thought it was gonna be Arnold Schwarzenegger underneath.

I didn't expect the weather to be like this, mam.

Who'd have thought we'd be outside a couple of days before Christmas?

Oh, well, it's unpredictable. If you get a cold day

and the wind changes direction, you know about it.

Yeah, and your face stays like that.

- (MICK CHUCKLING) - It's freezing in there!

Oh, well, you won't want to go in again then, will ya?

- Can I have a go in the jacuzzi? - No, you can't.

Where do you think you are? Alton Towers?

Right, your bags are all in and I've unpacked for ya.

I hope you don't mind me saying, Janice.

That cream floral print skirt is absolutely gorgeous.

Oh, thanks.

Aye, I bet it goes lovely with that plain, scoop necked blouse.

Right, I'll see you later.

MICK: Oh, aye.

What's with the Geordie knicker sniffer?

- He's our odd job man. - Yeah, odd's the right word.

You want to keep your eye on that skirt.

If he borrows it, it'll all be stretched to buggery.

Borrows it?

MADGE: Oh, Les!

- Mrs Harvey. - Was that singer all right

in the Solana?

- JANICE: What singer's this? - I don't know, somebody Mel's booked

for the Benidorm Palace Christmas Show. I've never heard of her.

You did pick her up, didn't ya?

SU: Hello, Nick. Yes, everything's great.

Turn your mobile off, have a lovely Christmas

and I'll speak to you in the New Year.

Okay, then, lots of love. Adios.

- Solana. - (THANKING IN SPANISH)

(MOUTHING)

That's one of them there. I want you to keep your eye on them.

MATEO: But what are they doing? JANEY: I don't know.

But as soon as I find out what it is I'll have them all out.

- Excuse me, there's nobody on reception. - Yeah, I'm on me way over now.

- Are you checking in? - Oh, no. I work for Mel Harvey,

- proprietor of the Benidorm Palace. - Oh, yeah. How are they doing up there?

Not bad, thanks, but it seems we've lost the star of our Christmas show.

We've got her booked in here for three nights,

single room, Su Pollard.

Oh, yeah, she's fantastic her.

Hi-de-Hi, Ho-de-Ho!

- Aye, champion. Has she checked in? - I saw her in a musical once as well,

- brilliant singing voice. - Yeah, I know. Is she here?

Now, what was it? Something about ships...

- Not Captain Pugwash. - I just need to know..

Pirates of the Penzance!

- Has she arrived yet? - Who?

- Su Pollard! - Oh, no, I've not seen her.

Oh, bollocks!

Hey, hey!

- You're from the Benidorm Palace? - Yeah.

You're having talent competition, no?

- That's right. - Maybe I can dance for you.

Flamenco.

No, we've got enough singers and dancers,

it's novelty acts that we're after, to be honest.

Wait, wait, wait.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Yes? Yes? wait, I have more.

Yeah, we'll let you know.

- Excuse me. - Hello.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

Sorry, did I overhear you saying you worked at the Benidorm Palace?

- Correct. - Then you know Mel, Mel Harvey.

Oh, aye, he's me boss,

although he's away on business at the moment.

Yeah, I'm Les. I'm more or less in charge.

- How can I help you? - Nice to know you, Les.

Well, I'm here with a party of what you might call

very close friends,

and we were wondering if you did any special deals

for your Christmas show tomorrow night. You know,

bring 10 people, get two tickets free, that kind of thing?

Yeah, just come up to the box office,

I'm sure I can sort something out for ya.

Smashing, yeah.

So Mel and Madge are enjoying living in Benidorm?

- We're personal friends of theirs. - Well, you're obviously

not that friendly or you'd know that they don't live in Benidorm,

they live in Altea.

- Oh, that's right, Altea. Nice place? - Oh, aye, cracking villa.

Five bedrooms, outdoor jacuzzi, swimming pool.

I expect they'll be having a big Christmas lunch?

Oh, aye, they're getting the caterers in.

Really! They do a Christmas dinner here but they don't do all the trimmings,

and my wife, Jacqueline, loves a good stuffing.

LES: Don't we all, mate? (LAUGHING)

- Yeah, I best be off. - Thanks, Les.

- I'll get that group booking made. - Yeah, you're welcome anytime.

Well, that was fascinating, wasn't it?

Let's have a sit down.

I've seen 'em demonstrate a juicer before,

but it wasn't a patch on this.

Oh, who would have thought there were so many ways to fold a blanket.

My point exactly.

I once went on a cruise around the Med with my son

before we started coming here.

There was a woman doing a talk on folding napkins.

Do you know I can now make a swan

giving birth to three cygnets out of one 12-inch hanky!

(CHUCKLING) You're an amazing woman, Noreen.

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

That'll be me.

Oh, it's from Geoff.

Hope weather is good. Raining here.

Telle and Coolio send love.

Hope that shifty money-grabbing get

has not tried to jump your bones yet.

(LAUGHING)

- He has got a good sense of humour. - (SCOFFS)

Your son doesn't like me, does he?

Well, he's very protective, especially since the lottery win.

All sorts of people came out of the woodwork.

And he didn't want you going on holiday with a slippery old charmer

you've only known for five minutes.

Oh, no.

He didn't say you were charming.

I told him you were an old Navy pal of his dad's,

- but he didn't seem to believe it. - Ah, well.

Me and Don, we got into some real scrapes.

It's a shame we lost touch.

I couldn't believe it when I bumped into you after all these years.

Do you mean Ron?

Sorry?

You said me and Don got into some real scrapes.

Did I?

Must be the heat.

And there's us buying blankets.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Right. Time for a siesta, I think.

Are we still on for that show tonight?

Uh... Um...

- My treat. - Absolutely.

(SCATTING)

(GREETS IN SPANISH)

Oh, hello. Oh.

Merry Christmas.

- I'm booked in for two nights. - Certainly.

- Could I have your passport, please? - Oh, yes.

(THANKING IN SPANISH)

Miss Pollop.

Pollard.

Check in is not until 2:00,

but in the meantime we have a room where you can leave your clothes.

Oh, brilliant! It's only a small case.

I cannot seem to find you on the system.

Do not worry. I'm sure that you're hidden in one of my files.

Excuse me, hello.

There's a woman over there with no clothes on.

- Yes. - She's taken all her clothes off.

She's completely nude.

There's a fella as well. It's all hanging out.

(WHISPERING) I see naked people.

(WHISPERING) So do I.

You've got no trousers on!

This is usually what you would expect from a naturist hotel.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, God, he's not going to take his clothes off as well, is he?

No, no, no, he seems to think that you have not paid your taxi fare.

What do you mean? Everything's supposed to be paid for.

I have been booked to sing at the Benidorm Palace tomorrow night.

- The Benidorm Palace. - Yes.

You do know that you're in the Solana Hotel in Murcia.

- You're not in Benidorm. - What's the difference?

About 120 kilometres.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Pardon?

(TYRES SCREECHING)

There you go, I'll catch you all later. I'm off to track down Su Pollard.

Right. But don't forget, you're taking us into the old town tonight.

Aye, nay bother, Mrs H, you know you can rely on me.

Oh, it might be Leslie picking you up, but I know you're fine with that.

- Who's Leslie? - Believe me, you don't want to know.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(HORNS HONKING)

(MAN SHOUTS)

# If I were a tower of strength

# I'd walk away

# I'd look in your eyes and here's what I'd say

# I don't want you

# I don't need you I don't love you any more

# And I walk out the door #

No, no, no. Stop the music.

What's your name?

Asa. Asa Elliot.

Can you take some constructive criticism?

Sure.

You were shite.

What're you talking about? He was good.

I'm not talking about the singing. I'm talking about the act.

Why are you singing old, outdated songs?

- Well, that's kind of my act. - Well, we don't want it here.

This is Mel Harvey's Benidorm Palace.

We're at the cutting edge of show business.

We need something fresh and vital.

Something the kids today are listening to.

Number 14.

# Yeah, I should have known it from the very start

# This girl will leave me with a broken heart

# Now listen people what I'm telling you

# I keep away from Runaround Sue

# Yeah, I miss her lips and the smile on her face

# The touch on my hand and this girl's warm embrace

# So if you don't wanna cry like I do... #

Yeah, yeah, that's better!

You're through to the next round.

Yes!

- Is there another round? - Oh, frigged if I know.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Finally, he bloody rings!

I'm here doing all the donkey work while he's probably sitting somewhere

being fanned by a punkah-wallah.

Hello, my angel.

We were just talking about you.

- How's it all going? - What's a punkah-wallah?

Haven't a clue.

Oh, it's all going really well. We've got some cracking acts.

Have you managed to get a flight?

Oh.

Oh, sorry about that, I were just rinsing through a pair of tights.

I've popped them on the radiator for tonight.

Nowt worse than a damp gussett.

(LAUGHING)

MADGE: I'll pass you over.

It's Mel. Wants to talk about Su Pollard.

Yeah. Hello, boss.

Well, her manager phoned me this morning to say that she got

on the plane all right, but we've heard nowt since.

She wasn't at arrivals.

We've checked the Solana.

But don't worry, Mr Harvey, I'll track her down.

(MEL SHOUTING ON PHONE)

Give it here.

So, this Su Pollard, where is she then?

Your guess is as good as mine.

# Tomorrow, tomorrow I love you tomorrow

# You're only a day away #

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

Enough money. Is that all right?

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(PEOPLE MOANING)

I think they cannot hear because they are making too much noise.

Well done, Einstein.

What do you do for an encore? Count to 10?

(PEOPLE GRUNTING)

(BANGING)

Open this door. Now!

(PANTING)

Yes? Can I help you?

Can you help us? Are you taking the piss?

- I'm sorry! - What are you doing in there?

I fail to see what concern that is of yours.

I'll tell you what concern it is of mine.

I've got a pensioner on a karaoke downstairs

been singing Do They Know it's Christmas?

for the last 45 minutes.

'Cause every time the light dims, the machine resets itself.

(PEOPLE MOANING LOUDLY)

(HANGING)

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

How many people have you got in there?

Donald, somebody else will have to have a go.

I can't see properly.

NOREEN: That were a smashing night out.

Who'd have thought there was sophisticated cabaret in every bar.

Sophisticated cabaret?

(SCOFFS) That last place had an inflatable Pavarotti

singing Nessun Dorma with a 10-foot penis.

Reminded me of my Ron.

He had a good pair of lungs on him.

Noreen.

Do you believe in destiny!

How do you mean?

Do you believe we all end up with the right person?

Oh, I don't know.

I never had much choice.

There was only Ron who asked to marry me.

Actually, I tell a lie, there was another.

It were 1959,

and me and my twin sister, Doreen,

used to go to a dance every Friday night.

Funny little fella in a bow tie

used to come up to me every week and say,

"You are the most beautiful woman I've ever clapped eyes on."

Four weeks on the trot he did that.

Just came up to me and said the same thing.

I suppose nowadays

you'd get a restraining order on someone like that.

But in them days, we lead a more simple life.

I just got a friend of me dad's to break his legs.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Well, don't just lie there. Get off me!

I can't, me back's locked, I can't move.

(GRUNTING)

Oh.

This is not what you think.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

(IN SPANISH AGENT) You are Mr Michelle Clive and Mrs Norman Maltby.

No, the surname is Mitchell. First name, Cliive.

And I'm Noreen, not Norman.

Please, Michele, Norman,

you are seriously charged,

and I nominate you to only spoke when you are speaken to.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

You're charged with entering on the beach,

which has a fine of 750 euros.

750 euros? We haven't got that kind of money.

As you are both senior service,

we're willing to look up you both with clementine

and we'll charge you 150 euros for the miniature offence

of playing ball games outside the desecrated areas.

Now, just a minute...

This is our final price. You can leave it or take it.

We'll take it.

(ROCKIN' AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

We'll put Mel's presents under the tree, he can have them when he gets back.

What time is his flight?

He said he'd be back for his Christmas dinner

and Mel Harvey's word is his bond.

There can't be that many flights on Christmas Day.

Right. Let's get this lot cleared up.

We don't want the place a mess when he does get back.

Michael, you going to help me start on the veg?

I don't like vegetables.

I'm not asking you to eat them, I'm asking you to peel them.

No need for that, we've got the caterers coming in half an hour.

The caterers on Christmas Day!

Of course, Mel doesn't like me doing too much.

Hey, you want to be careful,

I heard you had to squeeze your own toothpaste

out of your tube this morning.

Hey, we're having no arguing, not on Christmas Day.

Mrs Harvey, if you'd like to step outside,

your present from Mr Harvey's arrived.

What present?

What are you talking about?

Shall I do the honours, Mrs H?

- Ta-da! - (ALL EXCLAIM)

What's he bought her an invalid car for?

It's not an invalid car.

- It's brilliant, dad! Can I have one? - No, you can't.

- Don't you like it, mam? - It's lovely.

Just thought Mel was going to be sitting in it.

Thought that was going to be the surprise.

It's an electric vehicle.

Too small to be classed as a car, so you don't need a license.

What, so she drives all around the house in a wheelchair

then comes out here and gets into this. Brilliant.

What's he going to do for her birthday, get her legs chopped off?

- Oh. - (LAUGHING)

Right, then. I'll be off, Mrs H.

Yeah. Merry Christmas.

Are you going anywhere nice for your Christmas dinner?

Well...

No, no. I was going to see what was open in Benidorm like.

I haven't got any family here in Spain.

Oh, why don't you stay here?

- Well... - Mam?

What?

Les hasn't got anywhere to have Christmas dinner.

- Yeah, I heard him. - Well, he can have it here, can't he?

- Mam? - What?

Oh, for God's sake!

Les, do you want to stay here and have your Christmas dinner with us?

Well, I don't want to impose...

There you go, he doesn't want to impose.

- But if you're offering. - Yeah, we are. Aren't we, mam?

- Are we? - Yes! It's Christmas!

- The more the merrier. - (LAUGHS)

(Car horn HONKING)

That'll be Mel!

(GREETING IN SPANISH)

What the frig do you want?

Hello, there! Merry Christmas.

Madge, how are you?

It's Mick, isn't it?

You all right? What you doing here?

We're guests of Les!

Bumped into him in the Solana, didn't we?

He said to drop by anytime.

I think there might have been a bit of confusion,

I was actually talking about the Benidorm Palace...

Oh, that's all right. We're coming there tonight as well.

What a fabulous place!

Ah, well, as Janice said, the more the merrier!

Oh, he's won it again!

(ALL CHATTERING)

Oh! That were a good one.

Try ringing him again, mam.

He said he'd be back for his Christmas dinner,

I don't know what's going on.

Well, can't we just start without him? I'm bloody starving!

- Stop it! - What?

Right, right!

(GLASS CLINKING)

If I could have your attention, please.

I think we should say grace.

Grace? Bloody hell, watch out for the bolt of lightning.

And what's that supposed to mean?

Well, it's a bit hypocritical.

When was the last time you went to church?

What's that got to do with it?

Oh, Donald used to be a lay preacher in the '70s, if you'd like him to do it.

(LAUGHS) Oh, Jesus Christ, I've heard it all now.

Oh, do you mind, blaspheming at the table?

When did you turn into the Archbishop of Canterbury!

Don't listen to him, mam.

If you want to say a prayer before we eat you go ahead.

Yeah, come on, Mrs H.

Want me to turn the music off for you?

Oh, no, no, no. Forget it,

he's spoilt the moment now. Frig the lot of you.

There you go. Spoken like a true Christian.

I would like to say how lovely it is to have wonderful family

and friends here on such a special day.

Friends? Two of them weren't invited, the other one works for your mother.

I think you'll find we've cleared up that little misunderstanding.

Oh, misunderstanding?

You just want a Christmas dinner, I know you two.

You'd have a poke in the eye if you thought it were free.

All right, that's enough! What's wrong with you?

- Well, she started it. - No, I didn't.

It's Christmas Day! Peace on Earth.

You don't have to be Christian to want a bit of that.

- Hear hear. - (DOORBELL RINGING)

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Who the bloody hell is that?

- I'll go. - (CELL PHONE RINGING)

It's Mel.

- Well, give it here. - Hang on.

- Hiya, Mel, what's going on? - LES: It's you.

I don't even care if they've got a champagne reception.

The way they've treated me is totally unacceptable. I'm fed up!

Right. which one of you is Mel Harvey!

Oh, Christ!

No, no, no. Everything's all right, Mel.

I'm just moving to another room so you can hear me.

He's not here. He's away on business.

Su, we've been looking everywhere for you. Where have you been?

Where have I been? I have been stuck in a nudist colony,

singing show tunes to saggy 60 year olds,

trying to raise the money to get back here!

Well, look who it is, we meet again.

- I beg your pardon? - You've got some cheek coming in here.

I might sometimes forgive, but by God I never forget.

- Why didn't you just phone us? - I didn't have your number.

Anyway, I wouldn't have needed it

if I'd been taken to the right place from the airport!

Oh, yes, it's just one excuse after another, isn't it?

Mother, keep out of it.

Mel sent Les to collect you from the airport,

but you didn't turn up. Did she?

You? You were at the airport! I even spoke to you!

I had a sign. I kept turning it around.

A sign? What do you mean a sign? It's Su Pollard.

I do a lot of dressmaking at home,

so I don't get a chance to see much telly.

You don't watch much telly! You're taking the piss, aren't you?

It's Su Pollard. Hi-de-Hi!

- Ho-di-Ho! - (LAUGHING) Sorry.

Oh, believe me, if I'd known it was you coming

I'd have met you at the airport myself,

to kick you up the arse and send you packing.

Sorry, have we met?

Let's just calm down. She's here now, so there's no problem.

Have we met?

(EXCLAIMING) That is a good one!

Do you know what she's on about?

Not got a clue, love, but that's nothing new to be honest.

Bradford Alhambra, 1986.

I asked you for your autograph and you completely ignored me!

1986? You've got to be joking!

Oh, don't try and wriggle out of it, I'd know you anywhere!

You might act the clown, but I know what you are.

Pig ignorant!

I beg your pardon?

Well, you can piss off!

You're about as funny as earache.

We wouldn't have you on our show if you were the last act in Benidorm.

Good!

Because after the flipping nightmare you've given me

I'll be getting you Equity blacklisted!

You won't even be able to book a pub singer.

You'll be out of business before the new year!

You can't just leave. Without you, we haven't got a show.

You should have thought of that before Nelly the Elephant

remembered something that didn't happen 25 years ago!

(GROWLS) Get out of my house now!

(CRASHING)

With pleasure!

(EXCLAIMS)

I hope you choke on your mixed veg!

For God's sake, mother, what's come over you?

I knew she wouldn't remember me.

Mother, it was 25 years ago!

Rude, vile pig.

And a bloody menace to society.

- That's a bit over the top, isn't it? - Oh, you think so, do you?

You want to thank God she didn't bring that bloody emu with her as well!

Emu?

I'll never forgive her for what she did to that Michael Parkinson.

He didn't see the funny side of it either.

Mother, that was Rod Hull.

You what?

Oh, dear!

The one with the emu, it was Rod Hull. He's a fella.

- That one with the puppet? - JANICE: Yeah.

Rod Hull and Emu.

Oh, yeah. Of course it was.

So who was that then?

That was the star of our Christmas show.

Mr Harvey isn't going to be very happy.

Where's Mel? I want to speak to him.

He had to go, he'll call later.

What's going on? Is he coming home?

He's gonna call back!

- What's going on? - I'll tell you later.

May we make a suggestion?

We have a friend who has a holiday home in nearby Murcia.

He tends to shy away from publicity when he's not working.

But I could check and see if he's here for Christmas.

We know all about your friends. This is sophisticated cabaret.

We don't want some bollock naked nutter singing Ding Dong Merrily on High.

Oh, no, he's very good.

He's even been on Top of the Pops.

Top of the Pops, you say?

Oh, yes!

# Everybody loves somebody sometime

# Everybody falls in love somehow

# Something in your kiss just told me

# My sometime is now... #

Why didn't he just tell her he'd been taken into hospital there?

At least she'd know where he was.

He didn't want to panic her and he still doesn't.

How long has he been there?

- Three days. - Oh, my God!

Look, Mel says it's not as bad as the doctors are making out.

Reckons he's gonna be home this time tomorrow.

And what if he's not?

Then we'll go to him.

Mother?

How do you think the show is going?

It's brilliant!

- Just relax. - Relax?

How can I relax?

Mel should be here.

Oh, I tell you, if I find out he's been able to get a flight back all this time

and he's just been out there gallivanting,

I'll swing for him.

Don't be daft. Why would he do that?

Your Scottish clown never brought his mate,

so that's the end of the show ruined.

Some bloody Christmas this is.

Enjoying the show, son?

Yeah, it's good.

Gents are spotless, Mrs H.

Hey, you could eat your dinner off that floor.

Eh, we were just...

Just saying...

Brilliant show!

It's not very Christmassy.

Ah, well, you see,

Su Pollard was going to do a whole Christmas medley at the end.

- I'll grab the mic and do a few numbers? - No, you're all right.

We need someone to stop the show, not just slow it down a bit.

Just spoke to our friend, he's on his way.

Oh, aye, my husband said that three days ago.

If you want someone to fill in till he gets here,

I do the odd impression.

No, I don't think Hitler's right for this type of crowd.

- It's too many memories. - Freddie Starr used to get away with it.

Oliver Hardy. Jacqueline and I used to do

on the Trail of the Lonesome Pine at parties.

(CHUCKLING)

If you could find a pair of bowler hats.

Yeah, I think I've got a couple in me car.

Dickhead!

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Thank you.

Noreen...

I have a rather large confession to make.

Oh yes?

I'm not sure how to say this,

but I wasn't a friend of your late husband.

Well, you'll pardon me if I don't fall off me chair in amazement.

I realise it will come as a bit of a shock... You what?

Of course I know you didn't know me husband.

You didn't even get his name right.

The thing is Clive, I've had a lot of male attention since my lottery win.

But, really, I'm as guilty as you.

You see, what I didn't tell people was...

well, it were only £4,000.

I haven't really got any money at all.

What are you talking about?

I'm not after your money.

It's me.

The funny little bloke with the bow tie?

Rivington Dance Hall?

You what?

I don't want your money. I want you.

Noreen, I waited 50 years to say this again.

I think you are the most beautiful woman I have ever clapped eyes on.

Marry me?

(EXCLAIMS)

- Oh! - (ALL APPLAUDING)

Rubbish! Try it again! Try it again!

Mother, that was amazing!

I didn't feel a thing!

ANNOUNCED; And now, ladies and gentlemen,

senors and senoritas,

Mel Harvey's Benidorm Palace is proud to present

the star of our show!

MADGE: Brilliant.

We're finished.

Looks like we're going to need them bowler hats after all.

Oh, sod the bowler hats.

This is supposed to be a Christmas show!

(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Oh, my God! Look who it is!

It's Catweazle!

It's Gandalf!

It's Roy Wood!

Roy Wood!

# If you jump into your bed

# Quickly cover up your head

# Don't you lock the doors

# You know that sweet Santa Claus is on the way

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

Hello?

Yeah?

Yeah, what did you say again? I just... Yeah, speak up a bit louder.

Yeah, I'm his son-in-law, Mick Garvey.

Yeah, Mick Garvey.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh, yes.

Yeah, I'm with her now.

Yeah, I can't really speak at the moment.

All right. What do you want us to do?

OK!

Yeah.

Okay. Thank you.

# I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Let the bells ring out for Christmas

# I wish it could be Christmas every day

(INAUDIBLE)

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

(SCATTING)

# I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Let the bells ring out for Christmas

Okay, you lot, take it!

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Christmas time

# Oh, when the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Let the bells ring out for Christmas

# Why don't you give your love

# for Christmas? #

(VOCALISING)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Oh, Mel.

(CRYING)

Go on, Michael, get a present.

I don't want one.

Granddad said it would snow on Christmas Day.

Come here, son.

(SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW PLAYING)

Oh!

You have got to be kidding.