Original subtitles

There you are. Nice cup of tea.

JANICE: Ooh, lovely!

(SNIFFS)

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

What have you put in that?

A tot of brandy. Steady your nerves.

There's nowt wrong with me nerves, I just haven't slept.

Well, don't you worry. The claim has been put in.

- What claim? - Claim for all the stuff we had nicked.

We didn't have anything nicked.

(SIGHS)

You've had a blackout, haven't you?

A lot of victims of crime have that. It's all part of being in shock.

When you see the list I've made out of all the things we had stolen,

it'll all come flooding back to you.

What list?

How have you made a list when we've had nothing taken?

People can't pinch what we haven't got.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

- Are you Mick Garvey? - I am he.

I have your insurance claim form here.

Oh, yeah? Is there a problem?

No. No problem at all.

I just thought I'd let you know

that we're entering it for the 2009 Booker Prize for Fiction.

What are you talking about? I'm a victim of crime!

"Please state items you wish to claim for."

Two cameras.

Two watches. One gold, one silver.

Three iPods, two mobile phones and a laptop computer.

Oh, my God.

Did you forget to put down a speedboat,

your set of darts and your bendy Bullies?

Look, you might go on holiday with a spare pair of knickers

and a packet of johnnies,

but some of us do have actual possessions to take with us.

Give us it here.

What you doing?

Thank you.

What did you do that for?

If your brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your hat off.

Oh, you poor thing.

I hope you gave him a thump back.

Well, it all happened so quickly, I didn't really have time to think.

And is that when they tied you to the hot water pipe?

- Yeah. - That's how they found that

Terry Wogan, wasn't it?

Kidnapped and chained to a radiator for five years.

Terry Waite!

Is that what they said to him?

(EXCLAIMS) Sarcastic buggers!

It's not like he was gonna go anywhere.

I can't believe one of them was that girl who was with Martin.

You don't think he had anything to do with it, do you?

- No. - Did you not see him last night?

She cleaned him out, apparently. Took his money, passport, the lot.

But she had an accomplice.

The one who roughed you up, wasn't it?

Did you give the police a good description of him?

Yeah. Bloke in his 50s, lived-in face,

long, shaggy, sort of '70s hair, Hawaiian shirt.

How bizarre! That sounds just like the chap

who took our mobile phones to fix them.

Oh, yeah. We should keep an eye out for him today.

(JACQUELINE EXCLAIMS)

Oh, dear.

I suddenly feel very stupid.

Suddenly?

Have you got them both sorted?

Yeah. Coolio's in the crèche,

and Michael's in Dickie Doughnut's Kids Club.

Who's Dickie Doughnut?

Supposed to be a bloke dressed as a doughnut,

- but he hasn't turned up today. - Can't imagine why.

Bloody hell!

Where have you two been? We've been worried.

(LAUGHING) Hey, have a look.

It's Doris and Dickie Doughnut.

You do realise you're both late for work.

Where have you been?

Madge was upset after the break-in, so I took her for a bit of a makeover.

(SNICKERING) Who did it? Coco the clown?

What have you done to your hair?

Come on, Madge. Let's get the rest of the stuff upstairs.

- They're only jealous. - You look like Bo Derek.

(MICK SNICKERING)

'Kin 'ell! Bo Derek?

More like Bo Diddley.

(MICK SNICKERING)

MEL: Come on.

I can't believe you tackled them on your own.

Why didn't you tell the police?

Well, look at it from my point of view.

Yes, I risked me life tackling a gang of vicious armed robbers.

But do I really want the hassle of being a local hero?

A gang? I thought they said there was one bloke

and that lass who was on holiday here.

No. There was three more.

One of them was about 5' 8", dead quick.

Looked like he had ninja training, you know.

He was doing all that Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon shit.

You know, spinning through the air and that.

Oh, heck!

Well, I managed to take him out

but then one of the others, massive fella,

looked a bit like that WWF wrestler, "The Undertaker".

He took me from behind.

So I elbowed him in the stomach, he went down.

But then, there was this other one.

He looks a bit like that bloke from the Karate Kid.

What was his name? Mr Miyagi.

He's got me in headlock and started to strangle me.

What did you do?

What could I do?

As I felt my life ebbing away,

I managed to raise a hand and grab the side of his neck.

A Vulcan death grip. He didn't stand a chance.

Oh, son, why didn't you tell me?

Shit happens, doesn't it?

I must say, you seem to have come out of it pretty unscathed.

Yeah, well, most of it's internal bruising, you know.

Just hurts a bit when I move.

(GEOFF GROANING)

Oh, son, you are brave.

Can I get you anything for the pain?

No, I don't want to make a fuss.

All right.

Mind you, I wouldn't mind another lager.

Oh, yes, I'll get it now.

Anything else?

And a packet of salt and vinegar crisps?

And maybe a paper.

You stay there, son.

I'm going to make sure you don't lift a finger

for the rest of this holiday.

(CHUCKLES)

I can't believe you can't just loan me some money

so I can at least get to Alicante and get another passport issued.

I've had everything taken.

We haven't got any money to lend you.

You should think yourself lucky you're not getting lynched.

It was your girlfriend that robbed everyone.

She wasn't my girlfriend. She was just a friend.

Some bloody friend.

(SIGHS)

Oh, my God, Kate! You came.

I'm sorry I called you.

Can't really remember what I said, I was rather drunk.

You made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

We got cut off and I didn't have a number to call you back on.

You said you were in Benidorm and...

Well, I put two and two together.

But I can't believe you flew out here this morning.

Martin, what was I supposed to do? You said you had no money.

No passport, no mobile phone, nothing.

I telephoned this place thinking you might have been idiotic enough

to come back here, but of course,

the staff are about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

You came all this way to help me.

I've had absolutely no sleep.

How have you been?

Martin.

We need to get you a passport.

My God! I don't know how you dare show your face around here.

I beg your pardon?

You know what he means.

After your mucky bit of scouse rough robbed us all blind.

I wouldn't be surprised if you're part of the scam.

I'm as much a victim of all this as you are. Probably more so.

I've got you sussed.

You hang around here for another day

to make it look as if you had nowt to do with it.

But come tomorrow, you'll be on a yacht

in the middle of the Med divvying up the spoils.

(SNICKERS) I hardly think there'll be much to divvy up

stealing from these people.

You keep your nose out. And another thing...

Well, well, well. Look who it is!

- I beg your pardon? - Come on, Kate. Let's go.

He gets rid of one old slapper and you come crawling back

while the sheets are still warm.

- Oh, forget it, Madge. Let's go get... - Wait a minute.

Now listen to me, old woman.

Apart from the fact that I fail to see what any of this has to do with you,

you obviously still think you can motorise yourself

around this fly-blown cesspit,

spitting venom like some kind of vicious fire-damaged paraplegic.

Well, let me assure you,

if you come anywhere near me

for the duration of my mercifully short trip here,

so help me God,

I will drag you off that council go-kart, rip off your head

and piss in your pipes.

Do I make myself clear?

I'll take that as a "yes".

Martin?

The thing is, he doesn't want any publicity.

That's why he hasn't come forward.

- So there were actually five of them. - Yes.

The two you know about, and three more.

One of them, dressed like a ninja,

who kept twizzling round

like in that film, Dungeons and Dragons.

Another, really tall one, called "The Shirtlifter",

who took him from behind.

And the last one, who nearly killed him in a headlock,

he looked like Robert Mugabe.

Okay.

I will need to speak to your son about this.

Oh, heck.

- I knew shouldn't have said anything. - Don't worry.

You did the right thing.

I have some other statements to take, but please tell your son, Mr Maltby,

that I will need to speak to him sometime today.

- Hiya. - All right.

Is there nobody serving?

There was somebody here, but I think they've gone.

- You all right? - Yeah.

Oh, this. Yeah.

I caught the bloke and that lass nicking stuff from our rooms last night.

- Oh, right. That was you? - Yeah.

Yeah. Lucky it weren't me that caught him.

Oh, aye, he'd have given you a right pasting.

No. I mean, I might have killed him.

Yeah. You could have bored him to death.

- You what? - Nothing.

I've got Territorial Army training, you see.

I don't know me own strength.

- I bet. - Yeah.

Did you know, there's a spot on the side of your head

and if somebody punches you there hard enough, you die, instantly.

(CLICKS TONGUE) There must be somebody serving.

That's right, there. Bang!

One hit.

- Don't do that, mate. - Literally one hit. Bang!

I've asked you not to do that.

There's no need to be frightened.

I can do that and stop one millimetre away from your head.

I'm not frightened. I've just asked you not to do it.

I'm actually a qualified stuntman.

I could do that a hundred times without actually touching you.

(GEOFF EXHALES)

(GEOFF CRIES OUT)

Sorry. Sorry. Are you all right?

I did ask you not to do it!

(GEOFF GROANS)

No, no. I'm fine.

Thing about being a stuntman is

you learn how to fall without hurting yourself.

Uh, I'm gonna get two coffees from inside. Do you want another beer?

Yes, please.

Hello there.

Donald and Jacqueline Stewart.

I'm sure we've met before.

I don't think so.

You look very familiar.

I'm sorry. Is there a reason you're still talking to me?

Middlesborough Swingers Association?

What exactly do you want?

We definitely know you from somewhere.

It's on the tip of my tongue.

Yes. I'm sure it often is.

(DONALD CHUCKLING)

Classy lady.

I wouldn't mind getting to know her a bit better.

(LUSTILY) Oh, yes.

What did you have to go upsetting me mother like that for?

What have I done now?

Well, I don't think saying her new hairdo made her look like Stevie Wonder

will have been the best compliment she's had today.

I never said that.

It was Bo Diddley.

Anyway, don't shoot the messenger.

You should be trying to keep on Mel's good side

if you want him to pay you for this week.

I'm here. Eager to work.

It's not my fault every time he has a business idea,

it goes arse end up.

If he fell into a barrel of tits,

he'd come up sucking his thumb, that one.

Who's that over there?

- Who? - That woman on her own over there.

Uh, somebody on holiday?

She's on her own.

Oh, bloody hell, pass me the phone, I'll ring Crimestoppers.

She looks a bit posh to be here.

- Do you want a drink? - I've got one, thanks.

Where you going?

I'm just gonna get a drink.

Oh, you're a nosy bleeder.

Look, we've had burglaries here. Somebody giving me mother drugs.

It was you that gave your mother drugs. Who's got their eye on you?

Won't be long.

Oi, Quincy!

Get us another beer.

Do you want a drink, Telle?

- No, I'm all right, thanks. - All right, darling.

We must stop meeting like this.

That's easily sorted. Goodbye.

I was only trying to be friendly.

How's your grandmother?

Me nana is fine, thank you.

Yeah.

I've never seen a pensioner trying to bodysurf a karaoke audience before.

Quite a mad night.

Yeah, well, unlike some people,

she knows how to have a good time.

I never...

really apologised for getting pissed on our date last year.

I don't remember having a date with you.

Well, that drink we had together...

I'll tell you what I do remember.

You ruining me nana's wedding day

after nearly killing her husband

by drop-kicking him from a parachute.

He was annoyed about that, wasn't he?

Yeah. He can get quite irrational and tetchy about things like that.

Look, I just wanted to say, I, uh...

(SIGHS) Well ..

I know I messed up, but if you fancy another drink, you know...

I think you're a great laugh.

(SNIGGERS)

Um...

Well, you're dead sorted.

You've got a beautiful little kid and you've got a brilliant smile and...

I really fancy you.

Uh, I've made a dick of meself again.

Look, I'll see you around.

Geoff...

(CHILDREN YELLING)

- Hiya. - Hello.

Cracking weather, isn't it ?

Very nice.

- Lovely sun. - Yes.

They tend to get that in Spain.

Especially in the summer.

- You look nice. - Thank you.

You're not hot with that cardie on?

No, I'm fine.

- Is that your bag? - Yes.

I'd keep an eye on that if I were you.

We've had some burglaries round here lately.

Yes, I know.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

I thought you looked a bit posh to be on holiday here.

You like, what's-it-name, aren't you? You're, um, Primeval.

I beg your pardon?

Not Primeval.

Primordial?

No. No, that's them dwarfs with big teeth, isn't it?

(JANICE SIGHS)

What's her name? You know, the Queen?

Prime Suspect!

I'm just waiting for someone.

Oh, don't you worry. I won't blow your cover.

Have you got your eye on anyone in particular?

Now, don't tell me because I'm almost there.

You're a friend of Rob the Knob.

Northeast Leather and Rubber Ball?

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Rob Titmus.

Used to run an adult mail-order business

just outside Rimswell. No?

Is this man a friend of yours?

Not really.

DONALD: Mmm.

(WHEELCHAIR HUMMING)

For your information,

I've had three people today say my hair is lovely.

I said your hair was lovely.

It was me that said it was nice.

And what are you looking at?

All dressed up like a dog's dinner.

I think that may be a case of the pot calling the kettle black.

Excuse me, that's my wife you're talking to.

I'm not black. I've just got an healthy tan,

which is more than I can say for you.

- You look albemic. - Mother!

Excuse me.

That's it. Piss off before we get you slung out.

You're not even wearing a wristband.

Martin.

- Diana? - What are you doing here?

Guildford sauna.

You're friends of Bob Knutsford and Two-Ton Tammy.

We didn't recognise you with your clothes on.

It's been a few years, but I never forget a face.

When you two clowns have quite finished,

I would like to assure you that not only have we never met,

as soon as I escape this odious freak circus,

I shall do my very best to make sure that we never meet again.

Oh, dear, I am sorry, I dldn't mean to cause offence.

You look very much like a friend of a friend.

Mother, can we go inside and talk?

DIANA: Yes, thank you, darling. I have a car waiting outside.

Where's me drink?

I absolutely love it here.

What'd you get if you cross Randy Crawford with Zelda from Terrahawks?

(LAUGHS) I know it's fab, isn't it?

GAVIN: Why's she done her hair like that?

It's not Comic Relief, is it?

Oh, you missed all the best bits while you were asleep.

We're the only people she hasn't had a row with.

- Fabulous. - Right.

(SIGHS) I'm going to go and snap one off.

See you in a minute.

(MOBILE PHONE PLAYING DYNASTY THEME SONG RING TONE)

Hello. Troy's phone.

Hello?

JAMIE: Can you hear me?

Yes, this is Troy's phone. Who's calling?

JAMIE: I can hardly hear you, Troy.

I know I said I didn't want to meet up again, but I've changed my mind.

I'm sorry for calling without texting first,

but I really need to see you.

Troy? It's Jamie.

Can you hear me?

I know your boyfriend's probably there and you can't talk but,

if you can hear me, press a button.

Troy?

(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)

Troy, I didn't mean the things I said.

I'm sorry. I want to be with you.

I know it's a difficult situation,

(SIGHS) but I think about you all the time.

So call me when you're on your own.

Troy, please give me another chance. I know you love me.

I love you, too.

I'll have to hang on for a minute. I think Noreen's squeezing one out.

Have you seen this? Half price voucher for Benidorm Palace.

- Fancy it tonight? - I don't mind.

"Showgirls, acrobats, magic and fun

"at Benidorm's Premier Show Lounge."

Bloody hell just when I thought my life couldn't get more exciting.

(MADGE COUGHING)

Where was it you had your hair done, mam?

And do they do refunds?

It's only ten minutes up the road. Do you want yours done?

- Um... - No, she doesn't.

I was asking the organ grinder, not the monkey.

Wa-hey! Nice one, Madge!

Hey!

You can grind my organ any day!

Do you mind? We've heard quite enough language today, thank you.

You'll never believe what that woman said to Madge earlier on.

What's going on with that lot?

That's his wife that's come back, isn't it?

And the woman I thought was the police, turns out to be his mother!

I can't follow it all.

Hey, what about this for tonight, Benidorm Palace?

"Benidorm's premier entertainment experience.

"Gourmet four-course meal

"and a breathtaking international variety show,

"providing all the glitz and sparkle

"of Las Vegas and Broadway in one spectacular evening.”

Well?

Don't mind, Mel.

We're all right here, aren't we?

- Madge? - Who is it?

What do you mean, "Who is it?" It's a show and a meal!

We can get that here for free, Mel.

All right, I'll go on me own.

Let's have a look.

Why do you want to go on your own for?

(LAUGHS) I can see why he wants to go on his own.

They've got more tits than Bill Oddle's garden!

I didn't even notice that, I thought it might be a nice night out.

Give it over here.

No, I didn't notice a big pair of jugs on the front of the leaflet either.

I was looking at the font they'd used in the title.

Ooh, looks like a good night out, this.

Live band, singers, acrobats, dancers...

Rows of dirty old men having a knuckle shuffle

- under their raincoats! - Oh...

All right, that's enough. Is it expensive, Mel?

Oh, let's call it a staff outing for Mel Harvey Enterprises.

Do you fancy going to the Benidorm Palace tonight, Telle?

- No. - You don't even know what it is.

Don't need to.

Ooh, the enthusiasm of youth.

Right. I'm off for a dip.

Melvin, I don't want to see the pages of that leaflet

stuck together when I get back.

Don't be disgusting.

- Buenos días, Miss Armstrong. - Hello, Rico.

I think we'll have drinks on the roof terrace.

Of course, Miss Armstrong.

Sorry, I'm still not sure what you're doing here.

My darling, I'm here because my only son needed me.

I phoned mother first

'cause it was the only number I knew off by heart.

But I didn't expect her to come all the way out here.

But you expected me to.

No.

Sorry. Look, this holiday's been a complete disaster.

Unlike the two holidays we had in Benidorm.

Hang on, now I'm confused.

If Kate's just arrived, who've you been on holiday with?

Mother, Kate and I've been separated for almost eight months.

Have you? Why didn't you tell me?

I did, several times.

Well, why on earth did you come on holiday together?

We didn't. Kate arrived this morning, a few hours before you.

Well, look, darling, the main thing is you're out of that rather grim hostel.

What hostel? I'm staying in serviced apartments.

Serviced by who? Rentokil?

I would have let you use the villa in Torrevieja,

but it's having a complete renovation at the moment.

What is Torrevieja?

Oh, mum's had a little place on the Costa Blanca since the late '80s.

It's about an hour and a half away from here, isn't it?

Something like that, I think. Mmm-hmm.

You mean, we had two holidays from hell in Benidorm,

when your mother owns a villa 90 minutes away from here?

It's not much. A little four-bedroom thing,

tiny pool, no permanent staff.

Your ticket, Miss Armstrong.

Oh. Thank you, Miguel.

Have you been here before?

- No. - You seem to know a lot of the staff.

Martin, what have I told you?

The trick with staff is to learn their names immediately.

You get a much better service.

Now, I've organised for us

to see some authentic flamenco in Alicante.

I'm sure they'll squeeze another one in.

I'm sorry, I have a flight first thing in the morning

and I need to find somewhere...

Martin, there's a room booked for you under my name.

Try and use the spa.

I believe they do an incredible Thai massage.

I had a little man in London who used to do me.

His name was Chang.

Unfortunately, I discovered that he was working illegally,

so I had to have him deported.

Shame.

Because he wore a funny little hat that really used to make me laugh.

Back here at 7:00.

- Hiya. - Hiya.

Can I sit down?

It's a free country.

As long as you're not gonna have another go at me.

I'm not gonna have a go at yer.

I just wanted to say...

You know all them things you said earlier?

Yeah.

Well, did you mean 'em or were you just taking the piss?

Course I meant "em!

'Cause if you said 'em and you didn't mean 'em...

I just know how full of shit you can be.

I'm really glad you decided not to have a go at me.

You know what I mean.

I like you, Geoff,

but I want to get past all the bullshit and the lies.

"I'm champion at this, I'm an expert at that.

"That's not my mam, it's me PA!"

I want to get to know the real Geoff.

- SECURITY OFFICER: Geoff Maltby? - Yeah?

- I understand you have been attacked. - You what?

I have a statement here from your mother,

Mrs Noreen Maltby, saying you defended yourself

from five armed suspects on the night of the burglary.

Bloody hell, Geoff, why didn't you say? Are you all right?

It was just a bit of scuffle, really.

Mr Maltby, this is not a time for modesty.

I already have some details of your incredible bravery,

but I need to get a full statement from you.

Is now a convenient time?

Oh, not really.

You go talk to the police,

I've got to check on Coolio in the crèche.

Geoff, what about tonight for that drink?

Yeah, okay.

See you later, then.

I know I keep saying it, but thank you so much for coming.

I still can't believe you're here.

You're not the only one.

So, who is this girl you brought on holiday?

You don't have to tell me, it's none of my business really.

No, don't be silly. Um...

Not long after we split up,

I joined a night class in Croydon. I met her there.

- I see. - We weren't in any kind of relationship.

I just happened to sit next to her one Friday night

and she seemed very chatty.

A bit too chatty, actually.

Quite annoying, very loud and well, a bit coarse.

So, obviously you invited her on holiday with you?

No! Not at all. The conversation got on to Spain

and I mentioned the free vouchers I had for this holiday,

and, well..

She kind of railroaded me into taking her.

I said wasn't really keen on going on holiday with someone I didn't know,

but she wouldn't take no for an answer.

What kind of night class was this?

It was called "The Lion Within.

"How to be more assertive in 10 easy lessons."

Of course.

Kate, I've done some pretty stupid things in my time,

but I think the one that beats them all is letting you walk out of my life.

Martin...

Ahl! There you are. All ready?

Do you mind us going? She has come all this way.

What about me?

This may come as a surprise to you, Martin,

but Benidorm isn't exactly on my way to work.

Come on, quick sticks.

Diana, I think I'm going to stay here.

No, I simply won't allow it.

Oh, you mean you're underdressed?

Well, I shouldn't worry, I imagine it's all fairly rustic.

You're not listening to me.

That reminds me,

I must cancel Anton, my acupressurist tomorrow.

I can always have a double session on Monday.

- Kate, please come. - DIANA: Martin?

Please.

(SIGHS) Should we have one in Neptune's?

We said we'd meet them here at 7:00.

It's 7:00 now. We're losing valuable supping time.

Why don't you just relax and enjoy yourself?

I would enjoy meself if I had a beer in me hand.

They'll be here in a minute.

Yeah. Excuse me, love. Why is this bar not open?

Because the useless sod who works here hasn't turned up,

and if you see the dirty greasy-haired get out on the town,

you can tell him he's sacked!

Shall we walk up to the Benidorm Palace and have one in there? I can text them.

No, we bloody can't.

Not paying for a round in there when it's free in here.

Anyway, it's supposed to be a work's outing.

You can always ask him for the money back.

I'm not doing that!

I'd look a right tight get!

Bloody hell, it's the Starship Enterprise!

I thought this would be a laugh

but I think it's actually gonna be quite good.

- You all right? - I'm fine.

Oh, you're nervous about the topless dancers.

Don't worry, I think the blokes get their tits out and all.

Gavin, what's wrong?

- I'm fine. - You're not fine!

Why do you do this? If something is annoying you, tell me.

If I've done something to annoy you, just tell me.

Don't bottle it all up,

especially in the last days of our holiday.

'Cause when you do finally tell me what's wrong,

nine times out of 10, you got the wrong end of the stick anyway.

I think that's highly unlikely!

Gavin. Gavin!

Gavin, I've got to get the tickets first!

He's on the blob.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

You can't say it's not big enough.

Yeah, that's a phrase you don't hear Madge say very often, is it, Mel?

Are we gonna have a whole night listening to this filth?

Filth? You're the one who's brought us to a bloody peep show.

Don't be ridiculous. This is a sophisticated cabaret.

At peep shows, you have to sit in one of those little booths

with a slot in the wall.

Eh, it's all coming out now.

I saw it on the telly.

Hey, mam, it looks good, doesn't it?

When do you get the food? Says here you get your dinner first.

I'm not sitting through a two-hour show waiting for me dinner.

This way, everyone. Smile, please.

Olé!

And now the beautiful señoritas.

Hey, hang on, what about these two?

Smile, please.

Olé!

(FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING)

This is very authentic.

Yes, isn't it wonderful? It really is.

Here's to us!

I mean, to all of us.

Martin, I'm sorry, I don't think I can stay.

Kate, what's wrong?

I'm sorry. I just can't do this.

Lovely!

I'm not playing happy families with a husband

I've been separated from for eight months.

Or trying to converse with a mother-in-law

who never listens to a word anyone says!

Ah! Flamenco!

Oh, my God.

That's just what I was thinking.

(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)

(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)

Oh, my God. How does he do that?

(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Oh!

(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)

Thank God we got the cheap seats, that could have been you.

Go on, Mel. Go on now.

Whoo! Go, Mel!

It's Mel. He's got Mel up there.

Oh, this is gonna be brilliant.

Gavin, will you please tell me what's wrong?

Nothing.

Gavin, we're not gonna get anywhere if we don't talk.

(EXCLAIMING)

All right.

Who's Jamie?

If you really want to talk,

let's have a conversation about Jamie

and his messages on your phone telling you how much he loves you.

- Do a flip. - Don't push it!

One way of getting the change out of his pocket!

Gavin,

why have you been listening to my phone messages?

Who said I have?

Hey, mam, he's brilliant, isn't he?

Gavin... Oh, God!

It's not what you think...

I've spoken to him.

- What? - Your phone rang today.

I answered it to take a message.

How old is he, 12?

He's 21.

Gavin, I can explain everything.

Oh, don't bother!

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Gavin...

Get... Get off me, you stupid man! Leave me alone!

Sorry, sorry. He's not well. He's got a bad leg.

Oh! For goodness sake!

Gavin, Gavin...

Gavin...

Jamie...

Jamie is my son.

Oh!

That is genlus!

Why didn't I think of that?

Of course, you've probably got hundreds of kids crawling all over the place!

This gay thing is just a front you've been putting on

for the last 15 years!

Oh, my God!

He is your son.

I couldn't believe it when he got in touch again.

We met up once, a few years ago.

It didn't work out.

I was going to tell you.

MEL: Come up!

- Come on, yeah. - Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on, yeah...

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I've handled this really badly, haven't I?

Come on. Let's go.

Go on, Madge, go on.

Wait a minute. Here we are.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my God, Mick.

MICK: Come on!

I can't stop!

I can't bloody stop!

Amazing!

You all right, Kate?

Martin, I'm going.

We may as well stay, it's nearly finished.

Martin, don't be mean. Kate can go back if she wants to.

I didn't want to say anything, but you do look rather tired.

Is it any wonder?

Flying half way across Europe at the drop of a hat

to bail out your son!

Olé!

My son, your husband, Kate!

My husband from whom I have been separated for eight months!

A fact you would know if you listened to a word anyone ever said to you!

Such incredible grace!

He moves like an animal.

He seems to be looking this way.

I'm going.

I didn't want to come here in the first place to be leered at by...

Oh, my God. Come on, let's go.

Mother...

Kate, hang on.

I'm going back to the Solana.

Mother?

You going to be okay?

- I'll give you a call when I... - Ah!

Oh, my God!

(LAUGHS)

Hiya, I was looking for Geoff.

Oh, I'm afraid he's been arrested.

- What? - Yeah, for wasting police time.

Apparently they caught them that did all the thieving from here.

Just two of them.

No ninja assassins or 7-foot wrestlers.

Oh, God.

(SIGHS)

- I'm sorry. - Hmm.

Will they let him out tonight?

I don't know.

Do you fancy an eggnog in the bar?

Yeah, okay.

Right, how about I get some drinks from Neptune's

and we sit next to the pool?

Perfect. Gavin, I'm so sorry, I should have told you.

You're not just my lover, you're my best friend.

Lover, best friend, and now wicked stepmother.

He really wants to meet you.

Ooh, I'll have to get out my best frock.

He's even talked about living with us.

- Troy... - Yeah?

Don't take the piss.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, thank you.

I am Mateo.

And you, you are Dirty Diana from Torrevieja.

Who told you that?

Ah! There are many here who recognise you.

Well, it was a long time ago.

And I think you'll find I'm far too old for you, young man.

But they say you can play a good tune on an old violin, no?

Well, I suppose one last fiddle wouldn't hurt.

Oh, my God! He nearly had her eye out!

Higher!

(MADGE SCREAMING)

Madge! Madge!

Madge! Oh!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

(ALL CHEERING)

- Where did they learn to do that? - They were brilliant.

More! More! Come on!