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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,876 - Good morning! - Jesus Christ! 2 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,595 What are you doing sitting on the toilet in the dark? 3 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:22,600 Well, it starts with "A" and ends with "poo”. 4 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:24,479 I mean, why haven't you got the light on? 5 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,796 This might come as a surprise to you, Brandy, 6 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,560 but even I can find my bottom in the dark. 7 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,832 I just don't expect someone to be creeping round at 5:00 in the morning. 8 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:37,511 It's actually 6:20 and I can assure you, I haven't done an awful lot of creeping. 9 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,836 Personally, I find when having a poo, 10 00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:43,271 being stationary is almost certainly the best option. 11 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:47,559 - I'm just going to brush my teeth. - Please, don't let me stop you. 12 00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:58,560 Well, aren't you gonna ask me where I've been? 13 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,717 Brandy, in the bar last night, you declared 14 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,037 that you didn't intend to be short of male company that evening. 15 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:09,189 You then stayed out all night and have returned seven hours later, 16 00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:13,356 looking like a scarecrow and smelling like an alley cat. 17 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,915 But we are on this holiday together only as friends. 18 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,031 Nothing more. Perhaps not even that now. 19 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:20,515 So no, I don't wanna know where you've been, 20 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,756 because I really don't care. 21 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,278 You think you're so much better than me, don't you? 22 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,233 Not at all. My marriage has been a failure. 23 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,830 I'm 32, living on my own, 24 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,633 and reduced to taking a holiday in a place 25 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:36,549 I swore I would never return to simply because it was free. 26 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,157 But aside from all this, I still have one remaining attribute, 27 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:43,716 which I obviously value significantly more than you. 28 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:45,873 Oh, yeah? What's that? 29 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,070 My dignity. 30 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,429 (FARTING) 31 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:50,716 Excuse me. 32 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,069 (GAGGING) 33 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:08,717 I don't know how many times I can say I'm sorry. 34 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:12,352 We had the conversation about you being gay. 35 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,520 And you said you were ready to come out. 36 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,793 I'm sure that's how it happened. 37 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:23,080 But I obviously got it wrong, and I'm so sorry. 38 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,830 You haven't said a word to me all morning, son. 39 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:32,514 We can't carry on the rest of our holiday like this. 40 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:38,755 Geoff! 41 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:44,870 Can you please tell us what this is all about? 42 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:48,391 - Are we going on a boat, Mel? - All will be revealed. 43 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:52,871 We're going on a boat! I bet we're going on a boat. 44 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,435 I get seasick if Mel fills the bath too full. 45 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,678 That's all we need, old queasy-chops throwing up all over the place. 46 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:02,430 She's not joking. Remember that time you booked to go to Ireland on the ferry? 47 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:04,039 She was sick four times. 48 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,754 And that was just in the travel agent's, thinking about it. 49 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,554 Look, there's some fishermen over there. 50 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,593 We'll go on a boat, and you can stay here and play with their flies. 51 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,634 Ooh, I should have never had that liver with me bacon this morning. 52 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:17,909 Onward. 53 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,709 Come on, love, we're going on a boat. 54 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,951 (MADGE EXCLAIMS IN FEAR) 55 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,549 Steady, steady. Here we go. Come on. 56 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,316 Look, your mum's gonna spew. 57 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,278 - Thank you. - Thank you. 58 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:43,669 Thank you. 59 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:44,915 - Hello. - Hello. 60 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,839 - Is it free? Is it free? - Stop doing that. 61 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,238 - Good morning! - Hola! 62 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,715 - Oh, hello! - Great night, last night. 63 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:57,229 - Really enjoyed it. - Oh, yes. 64 00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:01,678 We wondered if either of you wanted to come up to the old town with us. 65 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:06,034 We're all right here, thank you. 66 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:08,720 Well, we were more thinking of Geoff. 67 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,755 There's a great gay scene in the old town. 68 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:16,431 No! You see I made a bit of a mistake last night and I... 69 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:20,155 There's a fabulous chubby chaser night 70 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,669 at The Man Hole fun pub. 71 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:27,633 Oh, we know you've lost some weight, but they are very accommodating. 72 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:39,632 For your information, I am off into the old town tonight. 73 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:42,639 And the reason I'm going is, I've got a date. 74 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:46,355 But before you ask, it's not with a man. It's with a woman. 75 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,278 Because for the last time, 76 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,677 I am not gay! 77 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,199 Oh, dear. 78 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,190 Well, I'm no Clement Freud, 79 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:06,793 but it sounds to me as though he's still a little bit in denial. 80 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,352 Morning, Geoff. 81 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:17,878 - Here she is, the belle of the ball. - You disappeared quick last night. 82 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,229 - Don't tell us. 83 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:23,718 You were in a hot, sweaty gay club till the early hours, top off, 84 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:27,470 punching the air to Kelly Marie with your new-found gay brethren. 85 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:30,877 Then one last rousing chorus of I Am What I Am, 86 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:35,517 tottering home along the Levante beach reeking of Babycham and poppers. 87 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,359 - Look... - No, he's more subtle than that. 88 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,040 I think he went back to his apartment, 89 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,039 threw on a little black off-the-shoulder number 90 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,913 and spent the night miming to Martine McCutcheon's This is My Moment 91 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,713 into a hair brush, in the mirror. 92 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,513 Look, I am not gay. 93 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,157 - We know you're not. - Then why me mother thought... 94 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,476 - You what? - Of course we know you're not gay. 95 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:58,432 It was a laugh, though, wasn't it? 96 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:00,836 Me mother telling the whole of Neptune's I was gay 97 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,917 and then singing Y.M.C.A. to me, 98 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,759 while you lot dance around her dressed as the Village People. 99 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:08,030 Funny bloody sense of humour. 100 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:11,719 Stupid breeder. 101 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,397 I can't believe he didn't know we were pulling his leg. 102 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:15,919 Pull it? I don't think I could lift it. 103 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,156 Oh, she's on top form today. 104 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:19,550 I, uh... 105 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:23,469 Have you got that extra key I gave you for your apartment last night? 106 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,432 - Yes. - Can I have it back? 107 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:26,550 Can't I keep it? 108 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,957 Why, planning on locking yourself out again tonight? 109 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:32,589 (SIGHING) 110 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,793 Can I help you? 111 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,630 Is it not working out with your new girlfriend? 112 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:41,400 I'm sorry, but I fall to see what business that is of yours. 113 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:44,353 All right, don't get your knickers in a twist. 114 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,393 I can see somebody didn't get any last night. 115 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:51,869 Martin. 116 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:54,831 I think we need to talk. 117 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,718 No, it's no good, Mel. 118 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,751 You're gonna have to tell them to turn back. 119 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,872 Tell them to turn back? We're nearly there. Look. 120 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,149 Peacock Island. 121 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,396 Mam, Coolio's gone green. 122 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:21,318 We've all gone green. 123 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:25,070 What the bloody hell are we going to this Peacock Island for anyway? Eh? 124 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,237 What have they got there that we haven't got at the apartments? 125 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,431 - They haven't got anything there. - You what? 126 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,836 All they got on the whole of the island is one restaurant. 127 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,032 Well, then what the frig are we going there for? 128 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,875 Mam, me nana's been sick again. 129 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:41,670 Believe me, it's the business opportunity of a lifetime. 130 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:45,998 Are you all right, princess? 131 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:48,157 I told you I was no good on boats. 132 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:50,112 If I've seen that liver I had for me breakfast once, 133 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,231 I've seen it three times now. 134 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,680 Oh, mother. 135 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,275 Whoa! 136 00:08:58,480 --> 00:08:59,754 (RETCHING) 137 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,393 Fourth time lucky. 138 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,400 Sorry, Mel. 139 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,794 Por favor, grabe su mensaje después de la señal. 140 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,149 (BEEPING) 141 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:25,798 Uh... Hiya, Lesley. Um, it's Geoff, 142 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:29,515 from the, uh, internet chat room thing. 143 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,399 I know that we were going to meet tonight, 144 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,797 but, well, I wondered if you was free today? 145 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,471 We could get a bit of lunch. 146 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,592 And obviously if you're busy, you know, 147 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,917 I'll just see you tonight, but, um... 148 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,193 No, no, you're probably busy. 149 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:48,674 (STAMMERS) I'm busy. 150 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:53,874 Got quite a lot of, you know, admin shit and stuff. 151 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,553 (BEEPING) Um... 152 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:57,950 Shit. 153 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:02,469 Shit. I can't believe it. You sounded like a right dickhead! 154 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,238 Hi, I'm Geoff. 155 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:18,360 Hi. Geoff. 156 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,832 You must be Lesley? 157 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,798 What? Oh, this hat. 158 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,394 It's just something I picked up in Capri. 159 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,318 Oh, you've never been? 160 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,871 Oh, we must go sometime. 161 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,957 - 3 euros. - What? 162 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:34,720 Oh, right. 163 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,880 No, you're all right. Thanks. 164 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:39,634 (BEEPING) 165 00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:48,755 Come on! 166 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,078 Muchas gracias, señor. 167 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,555 Ugh... 168 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:21,199 Janice, Papa is talking to you, wants to know where we're going. 169 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:22,754 I don't know where we're going, do I? 170 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,190 What's the idea of going to the top? 171 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,630 (COOLIO CRYING) 172 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,912 It's like that Alfred Hitchcock film, isn't it? 173 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:36,750 (YELLS) 174 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,790 Can't believe we've come all the way here for this. 175 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,911 Planet of the bloody apes. 176 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,680 Believe me, this is the opportunity of a lifetime. 177 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,234 Ooh, I need a drink. 178 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,715 All I can taste is liver and hot chocolate. 179 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,878 - Oh, nice. - Come on, mam, let's get some dinner. 180 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,196 Telle, come on, get Michael, hurry up. 181 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,277 Your nana needs a drink. 182 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,553 What can you see? 183 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,830 Um, not a lot. 184 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,029 Exactly. 185 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,638 This is the only undeveloped part of Benidorm. 186 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,518 What, you want to build a shop here? 187 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:38,994 Not a shop. 188 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,469 An empire. 189 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:45,431 Restaurants, cafés, an aqua park, maybe a hotel. 190 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,511 Sod Mel's Mobility Shop. 191 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,357 What about Mel's Island? 192 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:53,633 Oh, thank God for that. 193 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,114 For a minute there, I thought you were going to say 194 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,311 something completely ridiculous. 195 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,189 (SIGHING) 196 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,790 Julio. Julio. Julio. King of the Latin lovers. 197 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,874 What have you got that I haven't got? 198 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,230 How do you do it? I mean... 199 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,352 I know you got the looks, the money, the fame. 200 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,150 Oh, yeah, that's how you do it. 201 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:26,070 All I need is an ounce of what you've got, that's all. 202 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,953 I just need a little bit of you inside me. 203 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,273 (CLEARING THROAT) 204 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:41,755 Hiya. 205 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,510 That sounded bad, didn't it? 206 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,478 Is that all you're giving me? 207 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,069 - You want me to give you more? - Yeah. 208 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,791 I asked for a large one. 209 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,072 A very large one. 210 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,836 You're sure you can take it? 211 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,229 Try me. 212 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,279 - Yeah? - Yeah. 213 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,589 Anytime. 214 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,993 (CLICKING TONGUE) 215 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:39,318 Madre mía! 216 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,196 The problem is, Brandy, I'm finding our time together 217 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,038 on this holiday very confusing. 218 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,754 You're constantly blowing hot and cold. 219 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:56,995 Who are they? 220 00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,270 No, I mean I'm getting mixed messages from you. 221 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,198 We arrive here as friends, 222 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,836 and you're coming on to me very strong, then you're staying out all night. 223 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:08,510 Martin, have you any Idea the last time I had sex? 224 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,233 I don't know. What time is it now? 225 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,670 I last had sex in 2006. 226 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:16,840 Well, good for you. I'm glad to hear that somebody's getting... 227 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:18,920 I beg your pardon? 228 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,269 This is all a front. 229 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,677 I've been doing and saying stupid things because... 230 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,679 Well, I like you. 231 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,440 And I'm scared. Scared of getting hurt. 232 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,599 So, where did you stay last night? 233 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:33,155 I slept on a sofa, in reception. 234 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,556 - Really? - Yeah. 235 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,555 Didn't want to come back after all the hurtful things you said to me. 236 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:41,956 Well, I was a little bit drunk. 237 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,636 A bit drunk? You were arseholed. 238 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:50,714 Anyway, I just think, if we can start being honest with each other, 239 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,229 that this could be the start of something big. 240 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,636 - Really? - Mmm-hmm. 241 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,315 Well, I'll drink to that. 242 00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:58,714 (GIGGLING) 243 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:03,030 (SPITTING) 244 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,231 Jesus Christ! What'd you put in there? 245 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:07,317 Sorry. That must be mine. 246 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:09,554 (GIGGLING) 247 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,831 Can't work them two out. 248 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:18,953 What's to work out? 249 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,673 She's a filthy, freeloading slapper 250 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:23,997 taking advantage of a wet, spineless mother's boy. 251 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,515 I mean, I know his wife seemed a bit of a misery, but... 252 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,790 I can't see what he sees in her. 253 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,275 I believe they're called breasts. 254 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:33,195 Yeah. 255 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:55,270 Why have we come all the way here for our dinner? 256 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,198 Don't be ungrateful. It's a nice day out. 257 00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:00,995 Nice day out? I thought me guts were going to turn inside out on that boat. 258 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,270 Yeah? Funny, you seemed to recover just as you were offered 259 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,869 a plate of steak and kidney pudding. 260 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,278 Dad, where's Mel? 261 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,796 Mel? Oh, you mean Donald Trump. 262 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,871 He's over there, looking for the sale of the century. 263 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,954 - Hola. - Hola. 264 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:20,229 Smoke? 265 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:23,034 Oh, gracias señor. 266 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:32,155 Excuse me, señor, I was wondering if I could pick your brains. 267 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:33,270 Brains? 268 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,277 Do you know who the island belongs to? 269 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:36,356 Sí. 270 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:37,436 Who? 271 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,039 Is, island. 272 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,955 No, I need to know who the island belongs to. 273 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,754 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 274 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,435 Slowly. 275 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:50,356 Me, build shops, 276 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,677 mall, restaurants, maybe hotel, here. 277 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:55,235 Build? 278 00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:56,350 Aqui? 279 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,118 - Here? - Yes, here. 280 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,153 Is no posible. 281 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,474 But why is no posible? 282 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,796 Who does the island belong to? 283 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:09,749 The island, it belong to the Dovez. 284 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:10,996 The Dovez? 285 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,633 Sí. 286 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,398 Who is the Dovez? 287 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:19,993 You want permiso... Permission to build? 288 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,076 Yes. 289 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,474 Is no posible. 290 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:26,958 Yes, I understand, but who is the Dovez, the boss, the owner? 291 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,357 Peacock Island belong to the Dovez. 292 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:32,794 Right, I see. 293 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,273 It's not what you know, it's who you know. 294 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,593 Sí. 295 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,519 Oh, uh, could I have one of my cigarettes? 296 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:46,916 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 297 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,150 Yeah, I thought you'd say that. 298 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,033 Not bad, that, as it goes. 299 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,639 Pass us the menu. Are there any puddings? 300 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:05,071 Right, have you lot finished? The next boat goes back in five minutes. 301 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:08,556 - Mel, me dad said you did a trump. - You what? 302 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,593 I said he was Donald Trump, you silly bugger. 303 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:12,995 Very funny. 304 00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:16,033 Right, come on, let's be having you. I've got to get back to Benidorm. 305 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,436 Need to see a man about an island. 306 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,153 What, no pudding? 307 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,478 Pudding were included. 308 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:32,638 Oh, Mick, look! 309 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:33,795 No! 310 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:36,513 - Hey, look. - Oh, yeah. 311 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,075 Oh, lovely, look. Hey, I like that. 312 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,350 I look as sick as a parrot. 313 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,718 Hiya, Lesley, it's Geoff. 314 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:49,311 Um, I'm not sure what happened to you at the auditorium. 315 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,636 I waited a couple of hours, 316 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:56,038 but you may have been held up in traffic or something else came up. 317 00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:59,154 Um, I've sort of wandered into the old town, 318 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,113 where we were originally going to meet tonight. 319 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,880 Um, so I might just stay here. 320 00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:09,069 You know, we were meeting at 8:00 321 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,238 and it's already 2:30 now, 322 00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:17,594 so let me know if you get here early, for tonight, I mean. 323 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,034 It's Geoff, by the way. I don't know if I said that at the start of the... 324 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:22,195 (BEEPING) 325 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:23,469 Geoff? 326 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,236 Geoff, great to see you! 327 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:27,475 Hola! 328 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,479 Hiya. You all right? 329 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,796 I thought you weren't meant to be here until tonight. 330 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:36,756 Yeah, I thought, you know, I'd stretch me legs for five or six hours first. 331 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,279 Oh, smashing. 332 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:40,552 You could come with us. 333 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:42,591 We're off to the Rich Bitch. 334 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,917 It's a fabulous drag bar just round the corner. 335 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:47,356 Drag bar? 336 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,518 Yeah, you know, men dressed as women. 337 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,359 Yes, we've never been into the tranny scene much, 338 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,711 but a friend of ours, Big Donna from our swinger's association, 339 00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:58,558 she put us in touch. 340 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,591 It is invitation-only this afternoon, 341 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,838 but I'm sure they could squeeze you in somewhere. 342 00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:05,394 (GRUNTING) 343 00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:08,076 Aw! 344 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:09,998 Maybe catch you later! 345 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:11,995 Hmm. 346 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,438 (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) 347 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:27,473 Grande beer por favor. 348 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,595 That's 2 euros, please, darling. 349 00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:51,719 Hola, guapa. 350 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:54,400 Mine's a large one, if you're buying. 351 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:10,479 What are they talking about? 352 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,796 - Who? - Me dad and Mel. 353 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,355 I don't know. Something to do with Mel's business. 354 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,836 Will you keep your nose out? We don't want you meddling in Mel's affairs. 355 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,598 Oh? Mel having an affair? 356 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,280 Business affairs. You know what I mean. 357 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,916 Well, he does have a history of shagging around. 358 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,510 What about that woman he had a fling with last year? 359 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:30,869 The one in the wheelchair? 360 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,038 Don't be disgusting. You know that was a misunderstanding. 361 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,197 Mel only fancy women in wheelchairs? 362 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:39,950 Apparently, once you get your metal wings, there's no turning back. 363 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:41,434 What is she talking about? 364 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:42,789 I have no idea. 365 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:44,513 Well, then tell her to shut up. 366 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:46,153 Telle, shut up. 367 00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,438 You're too forward, you are. 368 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,073 Better then being backward, like you. 369 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:52,679 There's no wonder you're not married. 370 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:53,949 I don't wanna get married. 371 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,878 Just as well. Nobody'd have you. 372 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,719 Mother, can we leave it, please? 373 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:01,474 Thank you. 374 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,554 You've got no role models. That's your problem. 375 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:12,275 We had people like Vera Lynn and Doris Day to look up to. 376 00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,909 Who've they got these days? Amy Whitehouse? 377 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:19,318 And celebrities on TV reality shows fiddling with pigs. 378 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,396 Mother, what have I just said? 379 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,039 For God's sake! 380 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:25,230 Yeah, shut up. 381 00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:26,919 Oh, you shut up! 382 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:34,515 Janice, tell her. She's putting her finger up at me. 383 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:35,630 No, I'm not. 384 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:38,400 Right, that's it I've had enough. 385 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:47,390 What's wrong with her? 386 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:48,919 I don't know. 387 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:50,918 (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) 388 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:57,357 And it's not just me mam that doesn't understand me. 389 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:01,514 I know you won't believe this, but I haven't got many friends. 390 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:06,194 Well, I have got one mate who I drink with, he's called Eric. 391 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:08,917 Think he must be in his 80s. 392 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,476 He's a war hero, but he doesn't like talking about it. 393 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:16,116 He's every night at the pub, 394 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,158 we have a few pints, I tell him all me troubles. 395 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:23,155 He doesn't often say much back to me, but... 396 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:26,079 You know, he's from a different generation. 397 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:32,277 I sometimes think if he hadn't lost his legs at Dunkirk, 398 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,233 that he'd just get up and walk away from me. 399 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,229 But I don't suppose I'll ever know. 400 00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:39,716 Another beer? 401 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:43,310 No, no, I'd best go, clear me head. 402 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,515 I... I've got a blind date tonight, well, not completely blind. 403 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,359 I mean, we've texted each other. 404 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,640 Any rate, you take care. 405 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:59,236 And don't forget, never give up hope. 406 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,990 Who knows? The right girl might just come along for you. 407 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:05,395 Thanks. 408 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:09,040 No problem. 409 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,357 Oh, hello. Just come down from your parachute? 410 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,118 De nada. 411 00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:26,195 Hiya. 412 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:27,716 MmMmm. 413 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:28,830 Hola. 414 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,156 I wondered if you can do me a favour. 415 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:32,509 Anything. 416 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:34,194 I've got a friend staying here, 417 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:37,073 and I want to leave her something in her room as a surprise. 418 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:39,794 Is there any way I can get into her room without asking for her key? 419 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:42,673 If you give the present to me, I can deliver for you. 420 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,757 I have a pass key that fits all the rooms. 421 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:47,076 Yeah, thought you might have. 422 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:50,915 What if you give me that pass key, and I can do it meself? 423 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:52,799 Is not possible. 424 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:56,835 What about if I meet you later on, and we do it together? 425 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,355 You want to do it... with me? 426 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,675 Oh, yeah. I want to do it with you. 427 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:08,915 What about your boyfriend? 428 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:16,834 Him? I don't think he'd be all for it. He's a bit straight like that. 429 00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,191 No. I mean, what if he finds out we... 430 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,239 did it together? 431 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,870 Well, we'll just have to make sure he doesn't, won't we? 432 00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:34,034 (SLURPING) 433 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,360 So what you're saying is, if you find this fellow who owns the island... 434 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:44,470 Dovez. 435 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,637 ...you think you can convince him to let you build on it. 436 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:47,875 Exactly. 437 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,150 Only problem is, where to start looking? 438 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:54,239 I made a few enquiries, but the place is full of bloody tourists. 439 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:55,839 Yeah, funny that, isn't it? 440 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:57,917 - Excuse me. - Yes, love? 441 00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:00,793 That barman who serves behind here, do you know where he's from? 442 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:02,593 Eh, I think he's Spanish. 443 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:03,676 (EXHALING) 444 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,838 You know what? The tan, the dark hair, the Spanish accent, 445 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:08,519 I think she might be on to something there. 446 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:10,597 I meant, where in Spain. 447 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:12,594 Haven't got a clue. 448 00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:15,599 Why don't you ask him yourself? Mateo! 449 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:19,795 Right, I think I see my gorgeous wife over there having a beer on her own, 450 00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:22,878 so I'll leave you three to your Mensa meeting. 451 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:24,509 Can I help you, boss? 452 00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:26,392 I need to find a man. 453 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:28,230 A man? 454 00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:30,431 Yeah. A local man. 455 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:37,874 There are a few gay bars in the old town. 456 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:39,320 I could take you maybe later in the week? 457 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:41,909 Not that sort of man. I'm looking... 458 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:49,359 I'm looking for a local businessman, goes by the name of the Dovez. 459 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:51,600 The Dovez? 460 00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:53,995 No. 461 00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:55,914 Never heard of this man. 462 00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:57,474 Are you sure? 463 00:28:57,920 --> 00:28:59,558 You don't know anyone connected with land or property 464 00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:01,910 in Benidorm goes by that name? 465 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:04,634 - Sorry, boss. - Aye, all right. 466 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:06,877 Well, ask around for me. 467 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:12,233 A few euros in it for you, if you find him. 468 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:14,518 Sure thing, boss. 469 00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:17,155 (WHISPERING) Dovez. 470 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,237 Boss! 471 00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:24,190 Boss! 472 00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:27,715 I think I know who you mean, Antonio Dovez. 473 00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:30,434 He's a powerful man, much property and land in Benidorm. 474 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:34,076 Oh, now we're getting somewhere. So, where will I find him? 475 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,760 You say there would be a few euros for me? 476 00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:39,474 Yeah, well, I'll stand you a couple of drinks. 477 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:42,752 You're offering to buy me a couple of drinks in an all-inclusive resort. 478 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:46,589 All right, 20 euros. Where can I find Antonio Dovez? 479 00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:51,073 20 euros? Hmm, my memory's not so good. 480 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:52,998 - 50 euros. - 100 euros. 481 00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:54,713 - Piss off. 482 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:57,555 Hang on, hang on. Come back here. 483 00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:02,519 All right, 100 euros. For that price, I want you to take me directly to him. 484 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:06,759 For 100 euros, I will bring him to you. Tonight, 9:00 in Neptune's. 485 00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:08,359 9:00, Neptune's. 486 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:10,676 Hey, hey, hey. The 100 euros. 487 00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:13,953 When I see the Dovez, you see the 100 euros. 488 00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:15,430 Done! 489 00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:17,233 Yeah, I have been. 490 00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:29,237 Hey! Hey! 491 00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:31,194 - What? - Hey! 492 00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:33,433 Uh, sorry. 493 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:37,479 I must have fallen asleep. 494 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:39,154 (BEEPING) 495 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:48,595 Shit! 496 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:52,357 Excusez-mol s'il vous plait, Plaza del Castell? 497 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:54,871 Plaza del Castell, a la derecha. 498 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:56,595 Cheers. 499 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:21,632 Good evening, sir. May I help you? 500 00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:25,800 Hiya. I'm sorry. I'm supposed to meet someone here. 501 00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:27,556 Name? 502 00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:29,717 The Oracle. I mean, Geoff. 503 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:32,674 I mean... I mean, Lesley. 504 00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:35,118 Is this a group booking? 505 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:38,949 Lesley, it'll be under the name Lesley. Two people. 506 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:42,278 This way, please, sir. 507 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:54,676 A drink while you wait, sir? 508 00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:56,958 Pint of lager, please. 509 00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:58,793 But of course, sir. 510 00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:04,918 (SNIFFING) 511 00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:10,954 Come on, Geoff, don't mess this one up. 512 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:14,799 You never know. She could be the one. 513 00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:17,789 (CLICKING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) 514 00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:22,116 Hello. You must be Geoff. 515 00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:30,194 I'm Lesley. 516 00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:42,309 Yeah, I'm sorry about earlier on, but, uh, I had a flat tyre. 517 00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:46,519 I'd done me own servicing and I'd forgotten to grease me wheel nuts. 518 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:50,278 So I've been on me hands and knees all afternoon. 519 00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:56,079 - Nice here, mind, isn't it? - Lovely. 520 00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:57,679 Yeah, when I first came to Benidorm, 521 00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:00,110 I thought it was all English breakfasts and karaoke, 522 00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:02,151 but you'd be surprised. 523 00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:03,959 I have been. 524 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:07,638 Now then, before we go any further, 525 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:09,558 there's something I want to tell you, Geoff. 526 00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:10,670 Okay. 527 00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:14,031 We chatted on-line a lot yesterday, and, well, 528 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,879 there was one thing I wasn't completely truthful about. 529 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:18,434 - Really? - Yeah. 530 00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:19,835 I want to get it out of the way now. 531 00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:22,839 I mean, we don't want an elephant in the room, so to speak. 532 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:24,837 No, wouldn't want that. 533 00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:29,034 No. But I've got a sneaking suspicion you know what I'm going to say. 534 00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:30,798 Might have crossed me mind. 535 00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:32,115 Geoff... 536 00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:36,554 I'm not 35. 537 00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:38,874 - Really? 538 00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:41,389 I wasn't 100% honest with you on that score. 539 00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:42,476 Right. 540 00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:44,273 I mean, I've been nervous about telling you that 541 00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:47,119 but, well, you haven't done a runner yet. 542 00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:48,196 I can't move. 543 00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:51,551 Well, I must say, that's a weight off me shoulders. 544 00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:55,594 Mind you, in saying that, I might be in me 40s but I'm not dead yet. 545 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:58,712 As me old grandma said as they were trying to zip up the bodybag. 546 00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:00,114 (LAUGHING) 547 00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:04,709 Uh, do you know what? I don't know what it is, 548 00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:08,276 but I feel very relaxed with you, Geoff. 549 00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:11,793 Some men give me the creeps. You know what I mean? 550 00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:12,910 Absolutely. 551 00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:17,511 But with you, well, I just feel I can let me hair down. 552 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:22,910 - Eh, you any good at massage? - No. 553 00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:25,316 Oh, I done a course just a couple of years back. 554 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,875 Uh, are you familiar with Shiatsu? 555 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:29,995 Aye, I've just done one. 556 00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:33,158 Well, it's a finger-pressure massage technique. 557 00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:35,710 It releases toxins from the body. 558 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,958 I know that sounds a bit technical, but at the end of the day, 559 00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:42,357 all it involves is one person lying face down on the bed 560 00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:45,233 while the other one gives him a good poke. 561 00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:48,710 You think you'll be up for that? 562 00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:50,675 Sir? 563 00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:55,039 Madamoiselle? 564 00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:56,709 Champion! 565 00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:01,680 Now, I usually have two starters here 'cause they're only small. 566 00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:06,276 # Sex bomb, sex bomb 567 00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,277 # You're my sex bomb 568 00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:10,869 # And, baby, you can turn me on 569 00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:15,593 # You can give me more and more counting up the score 570 00:35:15,720 --> 00:35:16,676 # Yeah 571 00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:19,713 # You turn me upside down and inside out 572 00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:23,160 # Make me feel the real deal 573 00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:24,236 # Uh-huh 574 00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:28,194 # And I can give it to you anytime because you're mine # 575 00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:30,714 You not hungry, mam? 576 00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:32,478 I can't believe it. 577 00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:33,635 What? 578 00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:35,080 Tom Jones! 579 00:35:36,240 --> 00:35:37,992 Oh, aye, he's good, isn't he? 580 00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:40,236 # Sex bomb, sex bomb 581 00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:42,317 # You're my sex bomb # 582 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:44,477 Doesn't seem to have aged. 583 00:35:45,160 --> 00:35:47,197 She has got to be joking. 584 00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:51,112 Mam, you do know that's not Tom Jones, don't you? 585 00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:53,835 What do you mean, it's not Tom Jones? 586 00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:56,952 Well, what she means is, it's not Tom Jones! 587 00:35:57,080 --> 00:35:58,673 No need to shout! 588 00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:02,120 Mam, that's the fella that was on last night. 589 00:36:02,240 --> 00:36:05,835 Do you remember when Mick asked him to sing a song for me? 590 00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:08,276 You wouldn't believe they could afford Tom Jones 591 00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:10,676 in a place like this, would you? 592 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,757 I think she's on crack. 593 00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,632 # And, baby, you can turn me on # 594 00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:19,237 Oh, oh, yes! 595 00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:21,757 Yes! Yes! 596 00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:27,873 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. 597 00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:29,877 It's a great pleasure to be here at Neptune's. 598 00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:32,389 Here's another classic from the man himself, 599 00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:34,750 The Green, Green Grass of Home. 600 00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:45,832 # The old home town looks the same # 601 00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:48,793 Not Tom Jones! 602 00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:53,956 I suppose the fact that he's got a Welsh accent is just a coincidence as well. 603 00:36:55,920 --> 00:36:57,194 (LAUGHING) 604 00:36:57,560 --> 00:36:59,392 Hell! It's Will Smith! 605 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:00,794 (LAUGHING) 606 00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:03,674 What have you got changed for? I thought you'd gone to the bar. 607 00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:06,553 Where's Tommy Lee Jones? He's not been eaten by an alien, has he? 608 00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:09,069 I've got a very important business meeting. 609 00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:11,760 You haven't seen that greasy barman, have you? 610 00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:14,076 Can you narrow it down a bit? 611 00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:17,712 You all right, Madge? 612 00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:25,958 Cheer up! It might never happen. 613 00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:35,836 Yes! 614 00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:37,917 Sorry! Oh! Oh! 615 00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:39,189 - Oh, shit. - Not yet! 616 00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:41,038 Oh, no, no, no. 617 00:37:41,720 --> 00:37:43,472 I mean, I have to go. 618 00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:46,399 What do you think you're doing? 619 00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:48,318 I'm sorry. I have an important meeting. 620 00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:50,431 At this time? Well... 621 00:37:51,240 --> 00:37:52,719 What about me? 622 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:54,519 Maybe we can finish this another time, huh? 623 00:37:54,640 --> 00:37:56,153 Oh, fat chance. 624 00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:58,078 Hostia! 625 00:37:58,400 --> 00:37:59,356 What's wrong? 626 00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:01,517 Joder! I lost my pass key. 627 00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:05,840 If you find it, can you bring it to me tomorrow? 628 00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:07,553 Yeah, of course. 629 00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:09,030 Okay. 630 00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:12,557 Close the door on your way out. 631 00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:14,830 (WHISPERING) You're very hot. 632 00:38:41,720 --> 00:38:43,438 What's your meat like? 633 00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:46,120 - I beg your pardon? - Your steak. 634 00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:48,194 Oh, yeah. 635 00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:50,430 It's all right. 636 00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:52,437 You did right going for well-done. 637 00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:55,359 Ask for it rare, and they pull the horns out, wipe its arse over here. 638 00:38:55,480 --> 00:38:56,834 (CHUCKLING) 639 00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:02,792 So, how long you been married, then? 640 00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:05,514 - Married? - A-ha! I'm just testing. 641 00:39:06,240 --> 00:39:08,709 I do attract a lot of married men for some reason. 642 00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:10,035 Really? 643 00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:12,237 I mean, really? 644 00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:15,671 Oh, yeah. Don't know what it is. They're like moths to a flame, man. 645 00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:18,758 I suppose I do have a certain unattainable quality. 646 00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:20,632 That's good to know. 647 00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:24,269 Well, how long have you been single? 648 00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,957 Well, I'm on a kind of break from somebody. 649 00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:30,993 But I think they want to get back with me. 650 00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:32,556 Quite a lot. 651 00:39:32,680 --> 00:39:34,432 - But you're not interested. - Well.. 652 00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:37,154 - You've moved on. - Not really. 653 00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:39,510 Or else, why would you be here? 654 00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:41,590 Oh, yeah. 655 00:39:41,720 --> 00:39:43,791 Yeah, I've been single for a while now. 656 00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:45,911 Been living on me own for nearly a year. 657 00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:46,996 Right. 658 00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:50,078 It's funny, but when I'm single I don't really miss the sex. 659 00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:51,349 Do you? 660 00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:53,113 Definitely not. 661 00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:55,072 Not interested in it at all. 662 00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:58,158 No. There's lots of other things in life, aren't there? 663 00:39:58,280 --> 00:39:59,429 Loads. 664 00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:02,638 Loads of other things. 665 00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:06,230 I mean, don't get me wrong. I've had some fantastic wild sex over the years. 666 00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:09,034 But you know the one thing I'm missing? 667 00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:10,510 No? 668 00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:11,914 The craic. 669 00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:16,198 You know, bit of banter with somebody at the end of the day. 670 00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:19,870 I've got a small chihuahua, but it's hardly the same, is it? 671 00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:21,638 DONALD: Hi, Geoff! 672 00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:24,317 Lovely night! 673 00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:27,954 (GIGGLING) 674 00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:32,392 Friends of yours? 675 00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:34,279 I need to go to the toilet. 676 00:40:34,400 --> 00:40:36,437 Yeah, you look a bit piggy. 677 00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:38,672 See you in a minute. 678 00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:51,954 # The night grows cold 679 00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:54,674 # My search for gold 680 00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:57,952 # Is leading nowhere # 681 00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:01,395 Where've you been? 682 00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:03,670 Told you. Went to the toilet. 683 00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:05,797 That was nearly an hour ago. 684 00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:07,513 - Martin... - What? 685 00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:09,240 I think I'm in love. 686 00:41:09,360 --> 00:41:10,759 - In love? - Yeah. 687 00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:12,109 Who with? 688 00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:14,278 Who do you think? 689 00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:34,109 Señor Harvey... 690 00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:36,193 How do you do, sir? 691 00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:41,438 (MOUTHING) 692 00:41:56,040 --> 00:41:57,678 Gracias. 693 00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:02,709 So, you're the man they call the Dovez? 694 00:42:03,040 --> 00:42:04,075 No. 695 00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:05,436 You what? 696 00:42:05,560 --> 00:42:08,120 My name is Antonio Dovez. What can I do for you? 697 00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:12,199 Right, but you have a lot of interests in property, land and the like? 698 00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:14,550 I co-own the sister Hotel to the Solana, 699 00:42:14,680 --> 00:42:16,990 I have a number of villas in and around Benidorm, 700 00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:19,509 and some land in Calle Fiesta. 701 00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:22,280 I was told you are a businessman, señor Harvey. 702 00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:25,472 I do not wish to be rude, but I'm a very busy man. 703 00:42:25,600 --> 00:42:27,079 Peacock Island. 704 00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:28,754 What about it? 705 00:42:29,400 --> 00:42:30,834 I've been there today. 706 00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:32,439 What do you want, a round of applause? 707 00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:34,836 No, I mean, I want to build on Peacock Island. 708 00:42:34,960 --> 00:42:35,916 But you can't. 709 00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:37,997 That's right. Because you own it. 710 00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:39,758 - No. - You what? 711 00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:42,156 No, I do not own Peacock Island. 712 00:42:42,280 --> 00:42:43,475 But I was told you did. 713 00:42:43,600 --> 00:42:45,193 Well, then you were misinformed. 714 00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:46,993 Hang on a minute. Let me get this right. 715 00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:50,317 Your name is Dovez, and you don't own Peacock Island? 716 00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:51,919 - Correct. - So, who does own it? 717 00:42:52,040 --> 00:42:54,680 Nobody owns it. It is a nature reserve. 718 00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:58,630 A man on the island told me it was owned by the Dovez. 719 00:42:58,760 --> 00:43:02,390 I can assure you, señor Harvey, he was not referring to me. 720 00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:04,393 That just doesn't make sense. 721 00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:07,911 For heaven's sake, Peacock Island is protected. 722 00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:10,509 You cannot build there because it would disturb the wildlife. 723 00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:11,675 The wildlife? 724 00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:13,074 Yes, mainly the birds. 725 00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:14,793 Mainly the birds! 726 00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:18,839 The white birds. 727 00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:21,919 Dovez. 728 00:43:23,240 --> 00:43:24,389 Doves! 729 00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:27,712 Oh, my God! 730 00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:30,996 I'm sorry. I've heard enough. 731 00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:43,432 Where's my 100 euros? 732 00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:45,557 - What? - My 100 euros, I want it back. 733 00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:47,796 Bloody dunce, he was talking about the birds. 734 00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:49,399 - Excuse me. - Birds. 735 00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:50,954 - What birds? - The white birds on the island. 736 00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:53,151 And they weren't even doves, they were bloody seagulls. 737 00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:55,476 I don't know what you're talking about. What are you talking about? 738 00:43:55,600 --> 00:43:57,318 I want my money back! Give me my bloody money back! 739 00:43:57,440 --> 00:43:59,113 Oh, go away. You don't scare me. 740 00:43:59,240 --> 00:44:01,436 - Do you mind? I'm trying to get... - Hey, get your hand out... 741 00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:03,517 Hey, hey! Get your hand out! 742 00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:06,234 # Something's wrong # 743 00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:07,839 Well, don't just sit there. 744 00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:13,034 # Another dawn, another boy 745 00:44:13,200 --> 00:44:16,318 # A boy from nowhere 746 00:44:18,720 --> 00:44:23,635 # There has to be a place for me 747 00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:27,392 # And I must go there # 748 00:44:28,560 --> 00:44:29,959 Get him out! 749 00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:33,075 Yeah, come on, then! Come on, then! 750 00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:50,434 I'm afraid we really must close now. 751 00:44:51,240 --> 00:44:54,278 Perhaps your friend had some kind of emergency. 752 00:44:54,600 --> 00:44:56,637 Yeah, that was probably it. 753 00:44:59,560 --> 00:45:01,836 That really won't be necessary. 754 00:45:02,720 --> 00:45:04,518 You're a very kind man. 755 00:45:11,320 --> 00:45:12,549 I um... 756 00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:17,795 I don't suppose you fancy coming back to my place, do you? 757 00:45:25,240 --> 00:45:26,799 Yeah, all right. 758 00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:28,070 Good. 759 00:45:29,920 --> 00:45:31,194 What'll it be? 760 00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:32,799 To Madge. 761 00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:34,718 To Madge? No problem. 762 00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:38,117 I once saw you in Blackpool in 1958. 763 00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:39,954 Oh, did you? 56038

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