Original subtitles

Oh, it's busy this morning.

Yes, they must be giving out free scratch cards with every breakfast.

Good morning, boys. Don't forget, coach trip today.

Oh, yeah!

Bring your trunks. We're just off to get ours.

Oh. Do you fancy that?

Hmm. Seeing Donald and Jacqueline cavorting in their Speedos.

What's the alternative?

Being shot between the eyes with a rusty air rifle.

Oh! No contest. Pull the trigger.

Are you sure you don't want anything more than that, son?

No. That was lovely.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

I think you've done brilliant with your dieting.

But let's be honest,

if you turn sideways now, you'd be marked absent.

You're joking! I've got another two stone to go.

Another two stone!

You'll have to hollow out your legs, there's nothing on you.

Your Uncle Francis said your dad had an elastic band fitted.

Like that Fearne Cotton off the telly.

But I told him, "It's a will of iron that boy's used to get his weight down

"and nothing more."

Don't you mean Fern Britton?

Now, are you coming with me to the waterfalls of Agadoo?

The waterfalls of Algar!

That's it.

No. I've got a bit of business to sort out in the old town.

- Do you want me to come? - No!

I've got to see an hombre about a perro.

Oh! Right.

Hey, you never know.

That what's-her-name might be coming to the waterfalls.

- Telle. - I'm not interested.

You are! You had a date with her.

We're just friends.

Well, its about time you got yourself a nice girlfriend.

Mother, will you leave it?

What happened to that girl with the funny lip

you met on that YTS scheme?

Was her name Cheryl?

I can't remember. It's a good few years ago.

I haven't got time for girls right now, all right?

Haven't got time for girls? A good-looking lad like you?

What about that lass off the internet you were talking to?

- Mother, can we just drop the subject? - I told you

I'd lend you the money to go to Brazil but you didn't seem keen.

Look,

how many times do I have to tell you? I'm just not interested!

(LAUGHING) Not interested in girls?

What are you interested in then?

(CHUCKLING)

Right, mother, what's going on today?

Are you coming with us on this trip or are you staying here?

I'm not going anywhere I can't take me chair.

I'm on me holidays, I shouldn't have to walk around.

Come on! Look at that. There's two waterfalls,

a diving area and a natural swimming pool.

You joking? She ain't gonna come with us.

All that water?

She'd be frightened if somebody throws a bar of Imperial Leather at her

and she'll have to get a wash.

Well, you're not going anywhere, you've got to work for Mel.

Madge, it may have escaped your notice

but Mel's Mobility Boutique tragically burned to the ground last night,

thus rendering me sadly unemployed.

He'll still need you to clear things up.

He can't be expected to do that on his own.

You think I'm spending the day shovelling shit

in a burnt-out shop when its 80 degrees out here,

you can kiss my arse!

MADGE: Same to you!

There's no wonder the kids of today are sticking knives in each other,

high as a kite on drugs when their parents are using language like that.

If we kiss your arse, it won't be just the kids high as a kite.

Can we have a bit less talk of arses

when I'm trying to eat me sausage, please?

Anyway, Mel's got that Spanish lad working for him. What's his name?

Paco.

Enough said. Let Paco earn his three euros an hour.

I am going swimming with my beautiful wife.

Oh, aye. What are you after?

You know what he's after. He's always been the same.

Oh, dear, do I detect a tinge of jealousy? Hmm?

After a full year of marriage,

have you and Mel not yet done the deed of darkness?

The deed of what? What's he talking about?

- The beast with two backs. - Oh, shut up!

"Beast with two backs"? What's that when it's at home?

Has he stormed the trenches? Eh? Hidden the hot dog?

(LAUGHING)

Have you both turned the lights out and done the hokey-cokey?

Oh right, I see what you mean.

No, not yet. I don't think he's interested.

I must admit, your father was very talented in that department.

I remember when he first took me up the pleasure beach

and showed me his American Smooth.

Oh, she thinks you're talking about dancing.

Oh. What are you talking about?

Right. I'm going up the road to see how they're getting on.

How Mel's getting on.

You've not finished your breakfast.

- It's black pudding. - Pass it over.

See you later. Keep an eye on Coolio, will you?

- Yeah. - Back here by 11:00.

What's she going over there for?

I think she's after a different type of black pudding.

You know I'm holding you responsible for all this, don't you?

Se�or Harvey, I tell you the lights are too much.

It had nothing to do with the lights. It was the bloody wiring!

It was like Spaghetti Junction in there.

No wonder we went up in flames.

Se�or Harvey, I need to talk to you about money.

Oh, don't worry about me, everything was insured.

When you've been in business as long as I have,

you always keep one step ahead.

No. I mean money for me.

Two weeks I have now been working for you, and nothing.

Money for you?

You burn my business to the ground and you ask me for money?

I told you when you started, you're on a month's trial.

Going by this lot, you're lucky not to have been arrested for arson.

Hiya.

Well, hello, darling. You all right?

Yeah.

- Hola. - Hola.

Are you coming on this trip to the waterfalls?

Well, there's not much more we can do here.

May as well make the most of the sun.

I don't suppose Paco could come, could he?

Who's Paco?

Oh, him? That his name?

Oh, not really, darling. He's got work here to do.

Oh. Okay.

Oh, right! I see what you mean.

Oi, Face-Ache.

Get that shop locked up and be over at the Solana in 10 minutes.

You're coming on a trip.

- Se�or Harvey, I have to... - Pronto!

(WHISPERING) Thanks, Mel.

(SNORING)

Oh, morning. Think we've missed breakfast.

(SCOFFS) I don't think I could keep nothing down.

Me guts are doing somersaults.

(GROANS)

- You all right? - Mmm.

Not the most comfortable bed in the world.

You could always sleep with me in the double bed.

I do trust you, Martin.

- Well, I wouldn't want to... - Mind you, I wouldn't recommend it.

I don't know if it's the food, but I've had shocking wind

ever since I got here!

I suppose we could share the bed. I mean, we're both responsible adults...

(BRANDY FARTING)

Sorry, Martin, what did you say?

Nothing. It's all right.

Just because he's not found the right girl doesn't mean he's gay.

That's what they said about Liberace.

Excuse me, I need to clear these tables.

- Yes, we've nearly finished. - Oh, go away!

But he's never had a proper girlfriend. Not one.

He might be just a late starter.

Now that's true, or he might be just a big fat homo.

I mean, everybody thought that barman was normal

but I heard he was once caught rolling around behind that bar with a fella.

- So, you never can tell. - I think it's time to find a sunbed.

- Oh, dear, I didn't mean to say normal. - He's all right.

The other bloke they caught the barman with...

It was me.

See you later.

You dirty beggar!

They're a happily married couple!

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.

Here are your tickets for the waterfalls of Algar,

which entitles you to full access to all areas,

your Solana's picnic and a complimentary glass of Nispero liqueur.

What is Nispero?

It's a fruit grown locally in this region.

- Hey! Let's get piss-pero on Nispero. - She said one glass.

Don't know why we had to come here anyway?

Got everything we need back at the apartments.

Food, drink, pool for the kiddies.

Oh, come on, mam. It's nice to see different places.

I never wanted to come.

There's too many steps, it's too steep and there's too many people.

And my shoes are hurting me.

Oh, you're determined to have good time, aren't you?

Here you are, get some of this down your neck.

Oh, Jesus. It's good stuff, that.

Hmm. Very acceptable, that.

Do nicely as a nightcap or a digestive.

No, you wouldn't want a digestive with that.

Be too dry. Maybe a Chocolate Hobnob.

A digestive is an alcoholic drink taken after dinner to compliment the meal

and aid digestion.

Although, I wouldn't expect you to know that.

All right, Fanny Craddock, calm down.

He doesn't need to calm down. He was actually telling you something.

If you tried listening to people instead of making snide remarks all the time,

you might actually learn something.

Excuse me, could we get through?

We've not actually had our free drink yet.

Learn something? From him?

You've got no manners 'cause you've had no education.

MARTIN: Can we get by? We're not having a free drink.

Hang on a minute. It's just getting good, this.

No education? And who do you think you are? Brain of Britain?

You're as thick as two short planks.

Mind you, his mother was just the same. The apple never falls far from the tree.

Can we just go in, please? We're holding people up.

Whoa! Whoa! Hang on a minute. What's that supposed to mean?

- Just forget it. Come on. - I wasn't talking to you.

- I beg your pardon. - You know what it means.

I begged my Janice not to marry you.

You're all the same, you Garveys. Heathens.

And where's all this suddenly come from?

"Suddenly"? There's nothing sudden about it.

Can we just get to the free drinks, please?

Oh, calm down, fatty. They're not gonna evaporate.

(GASPS)

What did you just call my husband?

There you go. Typical That's what the Garveys always were.

Rude, vile pigs!

- Come on, mam. Let's go. - Hang on a minute.

- Who's side are you on? - Not yours.

Unbelievable!

Hey, son!

- Do you wanna try some of this? - No, thanks.

So, where did you say you were from again?

- Benidorm. -(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah. You said.

Do you honestly think she reckons her son's gay?

Can't see it myself.

He's oafish, boring, completely without style,

totally lacking in manners.

And not withstanding that, he simply doesn't have the intelligence to be gay.

So you reckon you need all them things to be gay?

- Absolutely. - Oh, right.

I just thought you needed to like a bit of cock.

(SIGHS)

The despair!

Ooh. Is that nice?

You are a good boy.

Thank you. Oh.

- Could I have a quick word with you? -I have work to do.

Hang on a minute. Look, I'm sorry about that earlier.

My sister has recently stopped smoking and I'm constantly on edge.

We're identical twins, you see,

and we often feel whatever the other one is experiencing.

She once had a tetanus at the doctor's

and although it were only a tiny prick in her bottom,

I flew off me seat on the bus

and head-butted the woman in front of me.

- I have to get back to work. - Would you mind

if I came over a bit later on and had a word with you?

Depends what your sister is doing today.

Lovely. I'll come over as soon as I've got him settled.

I cannot wait.

Oh! Cheers.

Caf� con leche?

No.

Caf� con leche?

No, I didn't order anything.

Uno caf� con leche.

All right, I'll have it. Just leave it there.

- What do you want now? - Two euros, please.

For God's sake.

Gracias.

Eh! Good luck!

So you're absolutely certain you're okay?

I did give you quite a belt.

It's okay. I see you have problems in your mind.

I beg your pardon?

Not like crazy person, like you have trouble.

I have the gift. My mother had the gift and so do I.

What gift is that?

I can see everything. I can see inside people.

Like them X-ray specs we used to get when we were kids?

No. I can see inside your soul.

- I can see you have many questions. - Yes, I have.

Questions about your future.

- Not my future, me son's. - Wait.

- The questions are not about you. - No, they're not.

- They are about someone else. - Yes, they are.

They are about someone who is close to you.

Yes, he is.

- They are not about your mother. - No.

- They are not about your brother. - I haven't got one.

Your questions are about...

your son!

(GASPS)

How did you know that?

It is a gift. So, what are your questions about your son?

Well, he's never had a girlfriend

and I've never stuck my nose into his private life.

But, well, today,

he did actually say

he's not interested in girls.

Yes. This is because your son is a mufalata.

What's a mufalata?

He's a homo, bender, knob jockey, pillow biter, bum boy,

fudge packer, friend of Dorothy, fairy, faggot, gaylord, homosexual.

Your son is a homosexual gay.

Oh, well, I suppose you'd know.

What!

-I mean,

with you being a psychic and everything.

Oh. Okay.

Yes.

Another eggnog?

Yes, I think I'd better.

Oh, son, why didn't you tell me?

Get in!

Lesley, you're about to run out of credit, love.

Do you want me to put another hour on for you?

No thanks, pet. That's me done for today.

- Maybe see you later in the week. - All right, darling. Take care.

Aye. I'll see you.

Very impressive.

Yes, just makes you want to dive in.

Well, they do say if you stand under a waterfall

it's the most invigorating natural massage you can get.

- Sounds good to me. - Such a shame I didn't bring my bathers.

Or, if you don't fancy that,

I once took a course on erotic massage.

I could oil you up and give you a rub-down. No bother.

- She's very good with her hands. - Well, I did bring me cossie.

(CHUCKLING) So, if I don't see you in there, I'll know where you are.

Brandy.

So, forgive me for prying, but are you two an item?

No, not really. Well, kind of. I mean... We're sort of very good friends.

Right. You have an arrangement.

No, no, no. We met in a self-help therapy group.

Uh-huh. And Katie's fine with this therapy group?

- Katie? - Your wife.

Oh, Kate! No, um...

- Kate and I have separated. - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Still, you've got your therapy group to keep you occupied, haven't you?

Look, we'll get straight to the point.

I think we're all singing from the same hymn sheet.

Jacqueline 's had a lot of fantasies about you since we first met.

- Has she? - Oh, yes.

Okay.

And I can be very passive with the right, sensitive kind of man.

Oh my God!

What say we have a few drinks at Neptune's tonight,

loosen up and all go back to our apartment for a bit of therapy?

- Martin! What are you doing? - I'm coming!

(SIGHS)

Something tells me we won't be hearing him say that again tonight.

- Oh well!

- Picnic? - Oh, yes.

Is this it? Sandwich and a bag of crisps?

What'd you expect in a packed lunch, a Christmas dinner?

Well, it's not very exciting, is it?

If you want excitement, go look at the waterfall again.

Never satisfied, that's always been your trouble.

- You what? - Yeah, give it a rest.

You taking the piss?

She's never stopped whinging since we got off the plane.

Can we just have our dinner in peace?

- She started it. - MICK: Oh, grow up.

Your 11-year-old boy there making less fuss than you.

"Less fuss"? What fuss am I making? I just said they were rubbish dinners.

Well, this is a barrel of laughs, isn't it?

Mam, do you want my penguin? I'm not eating sweet stuff.

Aye, pass it over.

- Lovely spot! - Yeah.

So, what's gonna happen with the shop then, Mel?

Oh, you had to bring that up, didn't you?

- What? - We're trying to have a nice day out,

forget all our problems, and you go and mention the shop.

- What did you say that for? - I was making polite conversation!

"Polite conversation"? I stand and watch my livelihood burn to ashes

and you want to make polite conversation about it?

Your livelihood? You've got to be kidding. You're shitting money.

Not that we ever get to see any of it.

Oh, here we go. At last the truth comes out.

He's no father-in-law to you, he's just some meal ticket.

"A meal ticket"? You can't get a fucking drink out of him!

Right. That's enough! Mick, go for a walk!

"Go for a walk"? What's that supposed to mean?

You're just upsetting everybody. Go for a walk!

Where am I supposed to walk to? We're in the middle of bloody nowhere.

(GROANS)

Just go!

- Mam, can I go for a swim? - Of course you can. Be careful.

- Do you want me to go in with you, son? - No, you're all right.

Oh! It's a bit cold.

- Are your mates not coming in? - No, no, I don't think so.

Oh, they seemed dead nice.

Yeah, well, they're certainly very enthusiastic.

So you found some trunks then?

Oh, no, these are my pants.

I'm afraid I'll have to go commando on the journey back.

Where's that?

No, go commando. It means to not wear any underwear.

Oh, right.

- Why don't you go commando now? - What, here?

No, no, I don't think that's appropriate.

Come on. Promise I won't look under the water.

It'll really turn me on.

No, I think what with the kiddies in the pool and...

- I beg your pardon. - Come on, Martin.

We came here as friends, but there's no denying there's a spark between us.

There is? I mean... I mean, there is. I mean, I thought there might be.

- Martin. - Yes?

Get down in the water and slowly pull down your pants.

People are looking.

No, they're not.

Right. Now give them to me.

And swim under the waterfall.

I'll put these out to dry and I'll meet you back there in two minutes.

Brandy, I, I.

Two minutes.

(LAUGHS)

(SHUSHES)

- You not hungry? - No.

- You having a nice time? - Yes.

I love to listen to English people argue.

So, what's Paco short for?

- I'm not short. I'm taller than you. - No. I mean, is Paco your full name?

- Why do you ask these things? - Trying to get to know you. I like you.

My name is Paco Benitez. I am 22 years old.

I live in Albir with my boyfriend and our dog, Pipo.

I like French cinema and my favourite colour is blue.

You live in Albir with your boyfriend?

Oh, my God. I've made such a fool of myself, haven't I?

No.

I've been trying my hardest with you all day

and I've been getting absolutely nothing back.

- But now it all makes sense. - Okay.

(SCOFFS)

I can be such an idiot sometimes.

Crisp?

(SIGHS)

Brandy?

Excuse me.

That lady I was talking to earlier, did you see where she went?

- Yeah, she got out. - Right.

- Did she say where she was going? - No, but she took your clothes.

Oh, God!

(CHUCKLES)

Brandy, where are you?

This isn't funny!

(LAUGHING)

- What's your name? - Michael.

Michael, I need your help.

Did you not fancy a dip, Mel?

Not after I've had something to eat. Very dangerous.

You've only had a bag of crisps.

Hiya.

Look what I got. A bottle of that liqueur

and some marmalade made out of the same stuff.

What've you bought that for?

- Thought you might like it. - There he goes wasting money again.

You keep your nose out.

Don't you speak to me mother like that.

Oh, for Christ's sake. Don't start again.

What have you got marmalade for? You know I'm not eating sweet stuff.

You're not gonna get any fatter from a bit of marmalade.

What do you mean, "fatter"?

- I don't mean "fatter." I mean... - What?

Fatter than I already am?

(SCOFFS) You're not fat!

Everybody puts a bit of weight on on holiday.

(GASPS) You what?

- What have I said now? - What have you said?

You're nothing but an animal.

Why I ever let an insensitive pig like you

marry my daughter, I'll never know.

- I never asked to marry her. - I beg your pardon.

No. I don't mean I didn't want to marry you. I mean...

Come here, mam. Don't upset yourself.

What are you getting upset for?

First you call your wife fatty,

then you say you wish you'd never married her

and you're asking why she's upset?

Who said "fatty"? You're twisting me words.

Janice, love, come here.

- Come here, mam. - I'm all right.

- Janice... - Just go away!

What are you...

(CHUCKLES UNEASILY)

Oh, my God. You're not crying?

No, I'm not crying. I just want you to go away.

Janice.

Janice.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Thanks.

- It's okay. -(SNIFFS) I'm all right, I'm all right.

I don't know why I let him get to me.

- Eh, where's our Michael? - Oh, he'll be all right.

How do you know he's all right? Telle, have you seen him?

- No. - He went for a swim.

Leave the lad alone, he's not a baby any more.

What's the worst that could happen to him?

Uh, excuse me.

Sorry, I just had to...

borrow your son for a bit.

Hmm.

Don't suppose anyone's got any spare clothes, have they?

(LAUGHING)

Hola.

Hiya, love. I just wondered if you'd seen me husband anywhere.

Your husband? No.

Oh. Okay. Thank you.

- Today you went to the waterfalls? - Yeah.

- Did you enjoy? - Yeah, it was a nice day out.

I just seem to have lost me husband somewhere along the way.

Hmm. I can see much sadness in your eyes.

You what?

- I have a gift. - Have you now?

Well, that's very kind of you but I don't think I want it.

No, I have a gift. I can see deep into your soul.

- Really? - Oh, yes.

I can see you are not happy.

Bloody hell, you're good, aren't you? How did you work that one out?

Is it the lack of cartwheels I'm doing across the floor,

or was it just a lucky guess?

It's a crime to see such a beautiful woman alone.

I you need some company this evening I am here for you.

Yeah. Very flattering, I'm sure but I know all about you.

You're the type that sits in the cinema

with a box of popcorn on your lap with a hole cut out in the bottom.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(GASPS)

I'm sorry, love, I'm not very good with languages.

I know how to say "shut the window" in French.

If your husband is lost, he's unlucky.

If he chooses to stay away from such a beautiful woman,

then he is a fool

You are amazing.

I would love to find out if what the English are saying is true.

What are they saying?

That you can play many a good tune on the old piano.

"Old piano"?

Perhaps I get the saying wrong?

-"Old"? - I think I need to get back to work.

Yeah, I think you do.

- Is everything all right? - Fine.

As long as you don't mind one of your bar staff

being neutered in front of a bar full of holiday makers.

Oh, that one. You'd have to join the queue.

Are you finished in the bathroom, son?

Nearly.

- I want to talk to you. - Yeah.

You've hardly said a word since you got back this afternoon.

Just been fiddling with that phone of yours, beeping every five minutes.

Hang on.

Son...

I want you to know I know how difficult it's been for you.

And I want you to know I'm so proud of you.

I just want you to be happy.

And if that means you being with a man

and getting one of them civilised partnerships,

well, then I'll stick by you.

I just need to know one thing before I put me foot in it tonight.

(GARGLING)

Are you ready to come out, son?

I say, son, are you ready to come out?

Yes, I'm ready.

For God's sake, woman.

- You all right? - I'm so proud of you!

It's gonna be a wonderful night.

We shouldn't have come out.

Don't be stupid. This is the first place he'll come.

Where's he been? What if he's still at the waterfalls?

He'll come back, tail between his legs, stinking of booze.

Men are all the same.

I can't just sit here. It was me that told him to go away.

Mam, chill out. He'll turn up.

Any sign of him, Mel?

No.

I've asked everywhere and nobody's seen him.

- Oh, God! - Well, it's not all bad news.

- No?

Apparently there's a singer on tonight.

(CHUCKLES)

- Oh, come on, Martin. It was a joke. - Really?

Well, ha-bloody-ha.

(CHUCKLES) Should've seen your face,

creeping around naked with nothing but a terrified child to cover your modesty.

You're lucky the villagers haven't been outside the apartment

with burning torches.

Really? well, when they do turn up,

I'll point them to the person responsible,

the bride of Frankenstein. That means you.

Bride of Frankenstein?

Burning torches, villagers,

Frankenstein, it's a cinematic reference.

I don't get it.

Of course you don't get it, you're stupid.

- There's no need to be like that. - Really?

A bit like there's no need to completely humiliate me

- in front of all those people? - Stop moaning and get a sense of humour.

I will stop moaning if you stop being an annoying, uneducated,

malicious, loud-mouthed,

vulgar, short, irritating,

unattractive, scouse twat!

(GASPS)

Unattractive?

Do you know, Martin,

you were on a promise tonight but I am warning you.

If I leave this table, I will not be short of male attention.

No, you'll just be short.

(SCOFFS)

You still here?

Cheers!

Good evening ladies and germs.

ALL: (MUMBLING) Good evening.

I said, "Good evening ladies and germs."

ALL: Good evening.

That's better.

Well, some of you may already know we have a fabulous singer

here at Neptune's tonight,

Benidorm's favourite, Shaun Foster Conley.

But before that, we have an old friend of Neptune's

who'd like to say a few words. Let's give it up for Noreen!

(ALL APPLAUDING)

What's going on?

Thank you, love.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there have been many times in my life

when I've been proud of my only son,

Geoff Maltby.

She's me PA.

His many achievements in life have been impressive and varied,

from Lancashire Indoor Hang Gliding Champion

to the only double winner

of the Ormskirk Meat Plate Pie-Eating Competition,

without the need of hospitalisation.

(PEOPLE CHUCKLING)

But these brave accomplishments

pale into insignificance when I tell you

that tonight's the night

he's finally decided to stand tall

and announce that he is

a wonderful, happy, proud,

gay man.

You what?

Well done, son.

And this one is for you.

(YMCA PLAYING)

Young man, there's no need to feel down

I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground

I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town

There's no need to be unhappy

Young man, there's a place you can go

I said, young man, when you're short on your dough

You can stay there and I'm sure you will find

Many ways to have a good time

It's fun to stay at the YMCA

It's fun to stay at the YMCA

They have everything for you men to enjoy

You can hang out with all the boys

- No! - Hey, hey, hey. Sit down, gay boy.

Listen to your mama.

- YMCA - YMCA

You can get yourself cleaned

You can have a good...

...whatever...

(GEOFF WHISPERING)

(GEOFF'S MUM GRUNTS)

I said, young man

I said, young man

You can make real your dreams

But you got to know this one thing

No man does it all by himself

I said, young man

Put your pride on the shelf

- Go there - Go there

To the YMCA

And I'm sure they can help you today

(BRANDY CRYING)

- Watch where you're going! - Sorry!

Excuse me, have you seen a short man with an orange face?

- You what? - The man with the shop.

- It burned down. He owes me money. - I think he's in there.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You look sad.

I'm all right.

Did you have a disagree with your boyfriend?

Yeah, but he's not my boyfriend.

He's just a friend?

(SCOFFS) He's probably not even that right now.

- Do you think I'm unattractive? - No.

Absolutely no.

Then kiss me, you idiot.

They have everything for you men to enjoy

You can hang out with all the boys

(NOREEN LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE WHISTLING)

Noreen's tribute to her big, gay son, Geoff.

Congratulations, Geoff. We'll see you in the old town at some point.

But moving right on, ladies and gentlemen,

tonight's entertainment,

Mr Shaun Foster Conley!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been asked by Mick Garvey

to sing this first song for his beautiful wife, Janice.

The message is, "Listen to the words, Jan, I love you so much."

(HERE IN MY HEART PLAYING)

Here in my heart

I'm alone and so lonely

Here in my heart

I just yearn for you only

Here in my arms

I long to hold you

- Have you got anywhere we can go? - My girlfriend, she is at home.

Come on. The beach.

Here is my heart

My life and my all, dear

Please be mine

And stay here in my heart

He's playing with your emotions. You won't see him again tonight.

Is dad not coming back, mam?

Say that you care

Take this heart I give...

- Dad! - JANICE: Mick!

(EXCLAIMS)

Where have you been?

I thought you'd had enough of me for one day

so I made meself a bit scarce.

- We've been worried about you. - I didn't mean to do that. I just...

Here is my heart

I don't want you ever to get sick of the sight of me.

Oh, don't be daft.

I love you, Janice.

- I love you so much. - Oh.

Please be mine

And stay here in my heart