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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:39,829 - Beautiful night. - Oh, yes. 2 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:44,395 (FARTS) 3 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,032 The drains can catch the back of your throat, 4 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:52,471 but if you're not downwind of them, it's very pleasant. 5 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,752 Just think, this time tomorrow, you'll be Mrs Mel Harvey. 6 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,269 I'm not changing me first name. 7 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,789 No, no, that's just the way we'll be invited to functions. 8 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:04,319 Mr and Mrs Mel Harvey. 9 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:08,274 Ooh! What functions will we be invited to? 10 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:10,674 Just you wait, Madge. 11 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,030 Just you wait. 12 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,435 (MICK SIGHING) 13 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:41,393 Those are me knees. 14 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,989 Hmm. Well, thank God for that. 15 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:48,634 - You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine. 16 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,356 You're not still worried about your mam, are you? 17 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,835 She's 68 and she's getting married tomorrow. 18 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,635 Yeah, well, she's old enough to know what she's doing. 19 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:00,830 Hmm. 20 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:06,395 I hope so. 21 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,880 Talking about being old enough to know what you're doing, come here. 22 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,991 JANICE: Eh, eh, eh! Don't wake the kids. 23 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,554 MICK: Oh, it's all right. Come on. 24 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:21,235 Madge, would you mind if I put my arm round you? 25 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,159 No. Of course not. 26 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,553 You're a very handsome woman. You do know that, don't you? 27 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,911 Well, I've managed to keep me figure, I suppose. 28 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:36,519 You've done more than that. 29 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:39,996 MAN: Yeah, that's it. 30 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:42,270 - What the bloody hell? - Who's there? 31 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,392 Come on, get on with it. I've only got a bit of tape left. 32 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:46,669 What the hell do you think you're playing at? 33 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,074 What am I playing at? 34 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:51,673 What about you? You're the ones on Dogger's Beach. 35 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:52,995 Doggers what? 36 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,555 People having sex in public. 37 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,193 Don't tell me you didn't know! 38 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:58,435 (SHUDDERS) 39 00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:01,560 Madge! Mel! 40 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,877 What a lovely surprise seeing you here. 41 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,310 Jesus Christ! I might have known you'd be here. 42 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:08,555 Hello. 43 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,240 Oh, we've not missed any action, have we? 44 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:13,954 No, I think the one in the wheelchair is a bit shy. 45 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:17,118 Oh, you did know this was a dogging beach, didn't ya? 46 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,231 We don't even know what "dogging” is. 47 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,317 It's happening all around you. 48 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,678 (GRUNTING) 49 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,079 (MOANING) 50 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:29,789 Oh, my God. 51 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,309 Well, what am I looking at? I can't see anything. 52 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:35,398 Thank God for that. Your stomach's a bit dicky at the best of times. 53 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,717 Come on, princess. Bloody perverts. 54 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,878 I can hear a squelching noise. 55 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:45,072 Come on, we're off. Animals, the lot of you. 56 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:46,998 Oh, dear. 57 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,839 Oh, well! Up for a threesome? 58 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:50,995 Absolutely! 59 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,554 (ALL LAUGHING) 60 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,473 - Martin... - No, don't say anything. 61 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,236 - Could I... - No. Seriously. 62 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,959 I know why you left me. It was to get some space. 63 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,477 That's exactly what I'm going to give you. 64 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,234 I'll be by the pool. 65 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,833 - But I.. - No! 66 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,270 - Would it... Could I... - Ah! Ah! 67 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,474 ...have a cup of tea? 68 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:38,233 How are you feeling? 69 00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,472 Rough as a dog's arse. 70 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,557 Yeah. You looked a bit worse for wear 71 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:47,150 when Chantelle brought you home last night. 72 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:50,193 - What time did I get in? - Oh, I can't remember. 73 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:56,475 It was late. I think she said you'd both been watching telly 74 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,399 in her apartment while her family were out. 75 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,879 I don't remember that bit. 76 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:06,358 I think watching telly was... 77 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:10,195 - What do you call it? - A euphemism. 78 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,197 79 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:16,917 What do you call it when you want to use another word for having sex? 80 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,149 I'm going for a lie down. 81 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:22,918 All right, son. 82 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:34,599 Here you are. Get your laughing gear round that. 83 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,153 - What's that? - Bacardi and coke. 84 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:39,634 It's 10:00 in the morning. 85 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:42,434 I know, exactly. Only 15 hours of free drinking left. 86 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:43,880 Morning, boys. 87 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:48,551 Oh! Morning, Gavin. How are you feeling? 88 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:50,557 Have you heard from your mum? 89 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,274 - Not yet, no. - Oh! 90 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:54,390 You off to the wedding today? 91 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,080 We hardly had a chance to say hello to her. 92 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,429 Nice day for a wedding, isn't it? 93 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,791 I mean, one minute she's there, next minute, she disappeared. 94 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,354 Not a cloud in the sky. 95 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:07,314 If it were me, I'd be worried I'd said something to offend her. 96 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:09,829 You know, marching off without even... 97 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,917 Sorry, Jacqueline, can I stop you there? 98 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:14,474 Thank you. 99 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:16,435 We had a bit of a run-in 100 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,313 with Madge and her gentleman friend on the beach last night. 101 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:20,839 What? You went on the beach after Neptune's? 102 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,713 Oh, yes. It's quite a tradition in Benidorm. 103 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,353 It's not everybody's cup of tea. 104 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,994 But we always take our video camera down there. 105 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:32,079 Always something interesting to film, if you know what I mean. 106 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,190 Are you serious? 107 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:36,631 Oh, yes! One year, Jacqueline and I got someone to film us 108 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:40,469 recreating the famous love scene from that movie... 109 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,831 - Oh, what is it called? - Free Willy? 110 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,997 No. What was it? 111 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,396 - From Here To Eternity. - Hmm. 112 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:51,956 Bloody hell! And you say Madge and her boyfriend were down there last night? 113 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:54,310 Yes. They didn't last long. 114 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:58,070 Although we did meet a very nice Welsh chap, didn't we? 115 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,636 Oh, yes! He lasted a lot longer. 116 00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:05,356 Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas any more. 117 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,592 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 118 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,350 - Who is it? - It's Mick. 119 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:17,515 What do you want? 120 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:21,520 # Here comes the bride, 60 inches wide 121 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:24,837 # Here comes the vicar wearing women's knick... # 122 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,030 Do you mind? 123 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,712 Here you are, bit of Dutch courage. 124 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,592 - What are you doing here? - Well, I just came to say hello. 125 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,394 See if you need any help. Where's Madge? 126 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,277 Downstairs, getting a last-minute suntan. 127 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:39,435 (MICK LAUGHS) 128 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,198 And I'll have no wisecracks from you, thank you very much. 129 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,995 No, no. It'll do her good to get a bit of colour. 130 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,674 I'm not sure what colour there is left for her to go, but... 131 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:52,438 Sorry. Sorry, just a...just a joke. 132 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:57,439 Well, here we are then. The day of the wedding. 133 00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:58,630 (MICK CHUCKLES) 134 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,353 Have you just come up here to state the obvious? 135 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,039 Personally, I've got better things to do. 136 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,630 No, no, I just wanted to say, you know, um, 137 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,400 it's not too late for you to back out. 138 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:09,999 You got ten seconds to leave this room. 139 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:14,193 No, don't get me wrong. I don't mean cancel the wedding, just postpone it. 140 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:15,640 Why would we do that? 141 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,592 Well, Madge has only known you four weeks. 142 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,677 We only met you just over a week ago. 143 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,996 I think, we should just spend a bit more time to get to know you, 144 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,235 that's all. 145 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,229 Sit down. 146 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:32,509 What do you want to know? 147 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:36,679 Well, we know you've got a couple of sunbed shops, but, apart from that... 148 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,599 My full name is Melvin Churchill Harvey. 149 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,634 I was born an only child in Leeds, on Christmas Day, 1939. 150 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:48,196 Opened me first bakery in Kirkstall in 1962. 151 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,950 My only wife died in 1979. No children. 152 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,993 By 1992, I had 14 sandwich shops, 153 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:59,796 which I sold for 1.8 million when I retired in 2005. 154 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,311 I opened a sunbed shop in 2006 for something to do. 155 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,317 Six months later, I had five shops. 156 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:06,953 And I'm currently considering an offer 157 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,799 from a multi-national fitness club to buy me out. 158 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,153 What else do you want to know? 159 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:18,840 (GULPS) 160 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,438 What are we doing sitting here, eh? 161 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:26,916 Nattering on like a pair of old women when you, 162 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,759 you should be getting ready for the happiest day of your life. 163 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:31,393 Which is what I was doing before I was interrupted. 164 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,557 I'm going to leave you now to get on, 165 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,517 but if you need anything, anything at all, 166 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,597 you just give your old son-in-law a shout, yeah? 167 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:42,315 Very kind, I'm sure. 168 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,432 -3:00, on the beach. - That's right. 169 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,995 Don't bother coming to get me. I'll make me own way down there. 170 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:51,238 All right. I'll see you later, then, 171 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:55,429 Dad. 172 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,434 Telle, does this look all right for during the day? 173 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:12,550 Yeah. 174 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,034 You're not even looking. 175 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:15,878 Trust your nana to get married with ten minutes notice 176 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:19,072 when nobody's got anything decent to wear. 177 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,794 Come on, Telle, you need to get changed. 178 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,673 I've told you twice, I'm not wearing that dress. 179 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:26,393 It's your nana's wedding day. 180 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,238 Her and Mel have bought it for you to wear. 181 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,351 Yeah, well, there's two reasons why I'm not wearing it. 182 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:31,800 (SIGHS) 183 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:33,838 Look who I found outside, 184 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:37,271 tanning her beautiful, golden skin in the Mediterranean sun, 185 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,391 the blushing bride herself. 186 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,113 I think he's drunk! 187 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,150 Come on, mam, what are you playing at? It's 2:00. 188 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,032 We had to come the long way round. 189 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,594 Didn't want to bump into Mel. 190 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:50,075 It's bad luck for him to see me before the wedding. 191 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,714 He's marrying you. How much bad luck can one man have? 192 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:57,391 Oy! That's enough cheek from you. I've never seen a better suited couple. 193 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,238 I'll be through in a minute, mam. 194 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,829 - Are you pissed? - Oh, what makes you say that? 195 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,430 Well, you've spent the last 16 years winding me mother up. 196 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,631 Now, you're all over her. 197 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:13,790 I have just found out that our future father-in-law is a multi-millionaire. 198 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:15,797 - You're taking the piss? - Oh, no. 199 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,069 Oh, no. 200 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,270 So, you can tell your mother 201 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,870 that I'll wear the frigging bridesmaid's dress, if it'll make her happy. 202 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:23,479 Are you going to help me with this dress? 203 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,591 I'm coming, mam. 204 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:27,438 - Oh, my God! - Yes! 205 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,757 # We're in the money Don't call me honey # 206 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,235 (SCATTING) 207 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,235 (SIGHS) 208 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,718 Nobody gets in if they haven't got a wristband. 209 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,353 I don't want any riff-raff. 210 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,232 No problem, boss, I take care of it. 211 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,557 Haven't seen the vicar, have you? I asked him to get here early. 212 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:02,240 It was Reverend Tim you booked? 213 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,715 He works in a gay bar in the old town on the weekend. 214 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:07,753 The local vicar works behind a bar in a queer club? 215 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:12,636 Oh, no, no. He no work behind the bar. He is the drag act. 216 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,080 Very good. 217 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:22,476 Mel! Hey, what a spread! I knew you wouldn't let us down, dad. 218 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:23,874 Wristband. 219 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:27,794 Wristband. 220 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:32,550 Are you taking the piss? You know who I am. 221 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,478 I took it off 'cause it was annoying me. 222 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,160 No wristband, no entry. 223 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,757 - Come on, sod the lot of 'em. - Right. 224 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:49,518 Uh, I might just go in for one glass of champagne. Would you mind, son? 225 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,916 I do love a good wedding. 226 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:54,593 GEOFF'S MUM: Oh, thank you. 227 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:56,555 Unbelievable! 228 00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,557 (THE WEDDING SAMBA PLAYING) 229 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:07,838 Well, you've got to hand it to them. They've done it in style. 230 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,349 Oh, and lovely, isn't it? 231 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,437 What was your wedding like? 232 00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,029 Oddly enough, nowhere near as camp as this. 233 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,638 Excuse me, darlings. 234 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,159 My, God. I think I might actually love Benidorm. 235 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,355 Telle! Telle! 236 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,750 Pass us your wristband. I can't get in. 237 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,554 What? So that you can get pissed and fall asleep again? 238 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:37,116 Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I think I must have had me drink spiked. 239 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:40,153 I'm actually East Lancashire's Real Ale Drinking Champion. 240 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:44,035 Do you know, it's funny how you're champion at all sorts, 241 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,231 but you can't actually do anything. 242 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:50,558 You're an expert on most subjects, but you don't really know anything. 243 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,038 I know I was probably crap in bed, 244 00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:57,436 but I don't remember anything. 245 00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,517 Which is odd, 'cause you're probably 246 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:01,517 East Lancashire's Memory Champion as well. 247 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,677 I can memorlse 60 random objects! 248 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,440 Really? Well, that's fascinating! 249 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:09,200 And I'll tell you something else interesting, Geoff. 250 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,755 We didn't sleep together. 251 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,793 Just 'cause I'm a teenage single mom, don't mean I'm a slag! 252 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,673 A bit like, even though you know all the capitals of the world, 253 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,950 it don't make you an interesting person. 254 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,399 - Quarter past three. - Don't worry, she'll be here. 255 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:34,195 - Hope she's not had second thoughts. - You're not the only one. 256 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,356 (WEDDING MARCH PLAYING) 257 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:00,834 (ALL APPLAUDING) 258 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,918 I'm confused. Can she walk or can't she? 259 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:06,839 Why walk down the aisle when you can glide? 260 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,709 Dearly beloved... 261 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,354 Jesus! The vicar's got more make-up on than me. 262 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,632 ...here on this wonderful, sunny afternoon... 263 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,149 - I'm between shows. - Oh. 264 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:41,796 To witness the marriage of Mel and Madge. 265 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:47,513 It is at this time that I would like to say a few words on behalf of... 266 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:51,156 Shall we sit together? I'm on me own as well. 267 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:54,238 Oh, yes, okay. 268 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:58,035 ...during this gay musical that we call life. 269 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:01,039 I heard your wife left you. 270 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,275 I am sorry. 271 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,950 Well, she didn't exactly leave me. She just needed some space. 272 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:08,390 Oh, I see. Well, I suppose... 273 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:09,669 Hello. 274 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,190 Mel and Madge have been lucky enough 275 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:20,597 to find each other during life's closing number. 276 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:24,509 Jesus! He's pushed the boat out here, this must have cost him a fortune! 277 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:28,031 Don't worry. There's plenty more where that came from. 278 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:32,199 If any one person here present knows of any lawful impediment 279 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:36,439 to this marriage, then he or she should declare it now. 280 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:42,715 JACK: Janice! 281 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:46,034 MAN: Hey, who's that? 282 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:51,191 It's your last chance. I got the car with me, we can go anywhere you want. 283 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,391 Did someone order a taxi? 284 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:55,431 - Jesus Christ! - It's that lad from last night. 285 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,915 If you won't come with me, just give me one more kiss. 286 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,269 I can't stop thinking about ya. 287 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,676 - Get rid of him. - MATEO: Okay. 288 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,235 Janice! Janice! 289 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:07,273 - One more? - I don't think he's all there. 290 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,279 I think he might have learning difficulties. 291 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:13,438 He'll have fucking walking difficulties if he comes anywhere near me! 292 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,431 JACK: Janice! 293 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,313 - Shall we continue? - Yes, let's. 294 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:25,679 Do you, Madge Delilah Barron, take Melvin Churchill Harvey 295 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,029 as your lawful wedded husband... 296 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,959 - What was all that about? - I don't know. 297 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,232 - What did he mean, another kiss? - I honestly have no idea. 298 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:39,231 ...or in health, to love and to cherish till death do you part. 299 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:40,839 I do. 300 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,351 Do you, Melvin Churchill Harvey... 301 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:49,919 Kate, I know I've handled this situation badly, but people make mistakes. 302 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:52,839 Martin, I've been to see someone this morning. 303 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,395 - A lawyer? - A doctor. 304 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,636 Oh, my God, I knew there was something wrong. 305 00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,159 I'm pregnant. 306 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,397 - But when did we... - The night of the arm wrestling match. 307 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:07,034 But we were told I couldn't give you a baby. 308 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,912 People make mistakes. 309 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:11,435 (KATE LAUGHS) 310 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:19,552 To love and to cherish till death do you part? 311 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:21,754 - I.. - MARTIN: Yes! 312 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:22,950 (WOMAN LAUGHING) 313 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:29,475 Sorry. 314 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:38,514 To love and to cherish till death do us part? 315 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:41,795 316 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,433 (MAN SCREAMING) 317 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:48,389 Fucking hell! 318 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:49,909 (MEL EXCLAIMS) 319 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:52,879 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 320 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,392 I'm sorry. Are you all right? 321 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:01,954 (MAN SCREAMING) 322 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,470 No! Get me down!l 323 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:06,954 Oh! 324 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,753 GEOFF: Mother! Mother! 325 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:11,517 MADGE: Oh, Mel! Mel! 326 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:12,994 He said "I do" I heard him. 327 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,157 - Hey, that was lucky wasn't it? - Get out of the way, you idiot. 328 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,157 Mel! Mel! Can you hear me? 329 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,317 Oh, my God. That's it. 330 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:23,559 I've lost him. That big, fat lump tried to kill him the last time. 331 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,318 He's done it now. 332 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,831 (SOBBING) What am I going to do? 333 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,519 His feet are moving! 334 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,358 They are. His feet are moving. 335 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:37,439 - He's not dead! - Come on, dad, you can make it. 336 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:43,559 Don't go towards the light. Whatever you do, don't go towards the light! 337 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,079 (GROANING) 338 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:46,554 Come on, Mel, you can do it. 339 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:47,670 (MEL GROANS) 340 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,473 - He's allve! - Yes! 341 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,830 (ALL CHEERING) 342 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,791 Now, come on, someone get the vicar. Let's get this wrapped up. 343 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:56,672 What do you think you're doing? He needs to go to hospital! 344 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:57,835 Look... 345 00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:58,995 I really think he should go to a hospital. 346 00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:01,634 This man has waited all his life to meet the woman of his dreams! 347 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,956 Get that vicar here now! 348 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,595 (MEL MOANING) 349 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,274 Read, fast. 350 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,316 Do you, Melvin Churchill Harvey... 351 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:15,510 Who are you? 352 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,314 That's the vicar, Mel. You've had a bump on the head. 353 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:19,430 Who are you? 354 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,712 Oh, shit! Mel, Mel, don't panic, it'll all come back to you. 355 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:24,831 You remember Madge, don't you? 356 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,234 (MEL EXCLAIMS) 357 00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,239 What's happening? Where am I? This isn't Lytham St Annes! 358 00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:32,079 He's lost his memory from the bash on the head. 359 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,599 I've seen this happen before. 360 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,838 Oh, yes. A friend of ours, gay Derek, 361 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,952 once got concussed by the buckle of a leather harness. 362 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,469 That's right. Didn't know his own name for over a month. 363 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,240 And then, in a freak accident during an advanced step class, 364 00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:47,670 he managed to kick himself in his own head. 365 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,519 Memory came back, just like that. 366 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,517 Mel, come and sit down for a minute. 367 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:53,710 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 368 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,114 JANICE: Jesus! 369 00:20:57,760 --> 00:20:59,080 MICHAEL: Dad! 370 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,032 Jesus Christ! 371 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:03,993 What do you think you're playing at? 372 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,270 I was trying to get his memory back! 373 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,629 (MADGE CRYING) 374 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,991 Lock him up and throw away the bloody key. 375 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:17,511 What are you doing? I was trying to help him! 376 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,392 We're the only family he's got. 377 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:25,831 Sorry, I didn't mean to cause a scene. 378 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,549 Get that little shit away from my wife! 379 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,194 Janice! Janice! 380 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:36,077 Janice, I love you! 381 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:38,879 Janice! 382 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,992 MADGE: I'll get you! I will! 383 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,680 (SOBBING) 384 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,638 Oh, I do love a good wedding. 385 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,598 # Down in the land of the Rlo Grande 386 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:58,554 # When people are married, they always have a dance 387 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,597 # The music is grand, to a samba band 388 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,634 # And people are carried away with such romance 389 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:10,515 # Ole, ole, the wedding samba 390 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:14,520 # Will bring a timid señorita to her feet 391 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,871 # And when they play the wedding samba # 29920

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