Original subtitles

Oh, I was hoping they'd be drilling again this morning.

I think my head's gonna explode.

Mick, can you open the window?

Oh, God. I'm sweating gin and tonic.

Mick? Mick?

Oh, Jesus!

GEOFF'S MUM: Yoo-hoo, breakfast in bed.

Oh, you're up.

- Here you are, son. - What have you got me all that for?

- I'll have it if you don't want it. - No, you're all right.

I thought you'd need to build your strength up

for your big date tonight.

How many times? It's not a date.

Now, I know I've left this a bit late, son.

But when a man and a woman

- get together... - Oh, for Christ sake!

(SIGHING)

(COOLIO CRYING)

- MARTIN: Excuse me? - I was just looking at them.

Oh, it's you.

Sorry to bother you, but you didn't speak to my wife yesterday, did you?

- Ah, no. why? - She's gone.

Right, she might've nipped out to the shops.

She left yesterday afternoon and took all her clothes and passport.

Right, probably not at the shops then.

- No. - Hmm.

(HUMMING)

- You'll let me know if you see her? - Oh, yeah. No danger.

- Bye. - Yeah. See ya.

- GEOFF'S MUM: Hello. - Oh, hiya. You all right?

Hang on a minute. I've been meaning to ask you something.

- Yeah. - Now what was it?

- Well, you can always ask me later. - Oh, that was it. Now...

No, it's gone again.

- Look, I've got to go. - Oh, that was it. That was it.

Does your... Oh, now, what's her name? Bonnie white lass with the black baby?

- Chantelle. - Oh, that's it.

Does Chantelle still want me to babysit for her tonight?

- No idea. - Because if she does,

-can you tell her I am available? - Aye, all right.

Do you know what time she might...

- What was that all about? - Oh, it's Chantelle's father.

He's just pinched them flowers from the reception desk.

- Oh, right. - Eh, son.

Love is in the air everywhere

Will you just pack it in?

- Hola! - You all right?

- You would like to check-in? - No. I'm fine, thanks.

- I'm meeting somebody. - My name is Mateo.

I offer you a very special tour of the Solana Apartments

-on this very hot day? - He should be here somewhere.

- That is a very beautiful dress. - Thanks.

It would look even better on my bedroom floor, no.

Oh, there he is.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. You look gorgeous.

Pretend you know me.

(MUMBLING)

- Sorry, I think you got the wrong... - I'm sorry about that.

I can't stand Spanish waiters. It's the only way to get rid of them.

- Actually it's ruddy well not okay. - Oh.

I mean, you come in here, you know.

All guns blazing, invading my personal space.

- Personal space? - Kissing me on the lips

without even an introduction.

- My name's Dorothy. - Oh, right. I'm Martin.

And you know, I'm a married man and well, you know, it's just not on.

Right, so I suppose a fuck's out of the question then?

- That was a joke. - Right.

Look, Martin, I'm sorry if I've offended you, okay?

Please accept my sincere apologies.

Oh, Martin, nice lips!

Come on, Telle, get up. Do you know where your father went?

This is supposed to be an holiday.

Unfortunately, love, when you have a baby

you sign away any right to a proper holiday for about 18 years.

I should know.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MICK: Hola, room service.

- Room service? - TELLE: Come here.

Room service? When did they start doing room service here?

- Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady. - Oh, my God!

Look at 'em.

I've just gone mental with them down there. I ordered these for yesterday,

so technically it wasn't me who forgot our anniversary.

Yeah. Funny you never mentioned it.

Oh, I love the beautiful English ladies.

(SNIFFING) They smell of fish and chips.

Get off.

- So, what time is your mum due here? - Ah, not sure, sometime today.

Oh, I wish my mum was still alive. She was a magician's assistant

and drowned in something called the Chinese water torture cell.

Now, why does that not surprise me?

Is she staying for the rest of the week?

No Idea. I tried calling her, but her phone's switched off.

Well, remember if you boys want to go out clubbing,

Jacqueline and I will be very happy to look after her.

There's a cracking free bingo night over the road.

That's very kind, but probably not necessary.

Dorothy, Gavin's mum, had him when she was young, very young.

- More like brother and sister really. - Oh, ain't that lovely?

Blimey, will you get a load of that?

We may not be available to take your mum to the bingo

if our friend in the white dress swings our way, if you know what I mean.

- What do you say, Jacqueline? - Oh, yeah.

Gavin! Oh!

Come here, Troy. Give us a kiss.

Oh, look at the pair of yer. You look gorgeous.

Donald, Jacqueline, this is Dorothy, my mother.

- Oh. - Hello, love.

- So it's just a flying visit then? - Yeah.

I've got a friend who's a pilot

and he was coming to Alicante so I thought, why not?

I do like to keep me eye on me baby, don't I?

So are you Gavin's real mum? 'Cause you look about the same age.

None taken.

Oh, we've been through a lot together these past two years, haven't we, babe?

Right, and you've obviously coped a lot better than Gavin?

Sorry, you do realise you're saying these things out loud, don't you?

When do you have to go back?

Not sure yet. Why don't we play it by ear?

You're not going back today? I've hardly seen you.

I'll tell you what, why don't us three get some more drinks in?

- A very good idea. - JACQUELINE: Oh, yeah.

I'd do anything for a white Russian.

Look, why don't we take a walk into the town?

All right. Is it okay if I use your room to freshen up?

Is it okay? I'm not sure. Have you been vaccinated against TB?

Oh, and tell your friend I wouldn't mind one of those white Russians.

Oh, and a drink would be good as well.

Dad, that was beautiful. Can I have another one?

Of course you can, son. After tomorrow, we go home

and have to start paying for stuff again. Fill your boots.

Hey up. Look who's here? Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Flid.

They've been shopping. She said she was gonna get a white wedding dress.

Jesus! She'll get done under the Trades Descriptions Act.

Unfortunately, that's more or less what I said.

- Hiya, mam. - You all right, Madge?

You'll be pleased to know we've been out and made all the arrangements

for tomorrow, so you don't have to lift a finger.

- Mam, don't be like that. - Mel brought me a lovely wedding dress.

I didn't know they had a Primark in Benidorm.

And for your information, yes, it is white.

I didn't mean to say what I did yesterday, mam.

It just came out all wrong.

If you're happy, then we're happy for ya.

- Apology accepted. - I didn't hear anybody apologise.

Oh, mother, I can't believe you're getting married tomorrow.

- Come here. - Oh, get off me.

I've just put a load of tanning accelerator on. You'll rub it off.

MICK: Tanning accelerator?

Fucking hell, who are you going to this wedding as? Diana Ross.

Oh, very funny, I'm sure. Make yourself useful

- large vodka and orange. - I've just sat down.

- Mick! - Ah.

What did your last slave die of? Tanning accelerator poisoning?

Don't run!

That's more like it, son.

Excuse me, I don't mean anything by it,

but you've got the best tits in this whole bar.

Do you mind? You could at least buy me a drink first.

How long are you staying for?

Well, I could either go back tonight or tomorrow afternoon, it's up to you.

I wonder if we can get you a wristband from somewhere.

- Do you mean one of these? - Oh my God!

It's raining men! Hallelujah!

It's raining men! Amen!

It's raining men! Hallelujah!

It's raining men!

Here you are, gin and tonic. Vodka and tanning accelerator for Madge.

And viagra and soda for the condemned man.

I beg your pardon.

You're all right, keep your thong on.

It's only tonic water, like you asked for.

Well, I'd like to propose a toast to the happy couple.

Aye, hang on, what about these two?

- Madge and Mel! - Madge and Mel!

- JACK: Excuse me? - Janice.

Jesus Christ! I mean, yes, love.

Sorry. You were in my bar yesterday and well,

this was under the table when you left. You must have dropped it.

Oh, that'll be mine. Must've dropped out me bag.

Anyway, I just didn't want you to be out of pocket.

Right, okay, well, I'll let you get on.

Nice to see you again. Bye.

- Wa-hey, look who's got a toyboy. - You what?

Did you see the way he was looking at you?

- No! - Bloody hell, his mum ought to

put the old boxing gloves on him before he goes to bed tonight.

- Give us that back. - Hey.

You didn't lose any money yesterday. Poor little lad's made a mistake.

Hey, be careful, he don't drag you behind the bike sheds.

What the fuck do you think you're playing at?

- Are you all right? - I'm so sorry.

Well, so you should be.

- I was bang out of order coming here. - Yeah, you were.

- But I can't stop thinking about you. - Listen, you're gonna have to go.

I just wanted to look into your eyes one more time, Janice.

Oh, Jesus Christ! How did you find me?

I promised myself I'd look in every hotel in Benidorm until I found ya.

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

Although I did start with the one written on your wrist band.

All right. Jack, you've had your bit of fun.

- Now go home and don't come back again. - One more kiss.

- Sorry, are you on drugs? - One more kiss and I'll go.

I've never been kissed like that before in my life.

My husband's gonna be out here in about 10 seconds.

- It's 'cause I'm ugly, innit? - You what?

You only kissed me 'cause I'm ugly and you felt sorry for me.

Jesus! Where's Jeremy Kyle when you need him?

Jack? Jack, don't be daft.

Come on. You, you're a good-looking lad.

- So kiss me. - I'm a married woman.

Kiss me like you kissed me yesterday and I promise I'll go.

You'll never see me again. I promise.

- God, you are so gorgeous. - Jesus wept.

- God, you're amazing. - Now, that's your lot. Go!

I'm going. Look, I'm doing what I promised.

- You are absolutely gorgeous. - Keep walking.

Hiya, are you all right?

Oh, hello again. I'm sorry about that earlier.

Well, you bloody well should be sorry.

My wife has left me and you just think I'm an easy target.

It wasn't like that.

And, yes, you're a very attractive woman.

I can't deny that, but I'm just not interested.

I love my wife. And I'm sorry,

but you don't even compare to her in any way.

If I had the choice of ten of you or one of my wife, I'd choose her.

Every time!

But I don't have the choice because she's not here.

- DONALD: There they are. - Oh, I do love the gays.

They're always so well turned out, aren't they?

- DONALD: How was your afternoon? - Yeah. Good, thanks.

I had a siesta and Gavin and his mum had a bit of a heart to heart.

- Oh, they haven't had a row, have they? - No, nothing like that.

Gavin's mum has a few, well, commitment issues.

- Everyone all right? - Yeah. We were just talking about...

Dogging! Ever tried it?

No, no. Here's me thinking you'd be talking about world peace.

Hey, here she is, the child catcher.

- I could have had that 20 euros. - Hey, she's got hot flush.

You didn't have a quickie around the back of the bike sheds, did you?

I had to run after him.

I don't know what it is, but all the women that fancy me

- seem to be younger. - Oh.

That's because all the ones older than you are dead.

Well, nearly all of them.

Right, same again?

Hiya.

Just dropped me son off with your mam in your apartment.

- I know. - She said you were down here.

I know.

I thought we were going out for a drink.

We might as well have a few here first 'cause...

Well, they're free.

- Are you pissed? - No. I only had four.

- What do you want? - You're all right. I'll get it.

- What's her name then? - It's Dorothy.

I put your mother down to sing Bonnie Tyler, Holding Out For a Hero.

Oh, my God, we'll never get her off the stage.

Excuse me, we need an extra chair.

So...being Lancashire Pub Quiz Champion, unbeaten for three years,

I don't have a lot of free time. So...

Look, I've not had a great deal of experience with girls.

- Really? Never would've guessed. - No, seriously. I mean...

I know I come across as bit of a player, but I've only ever had one girlfriend.

- Really? - Yeah.

Her name was Elaine. We met on internet, but we did meet up for real,

but she was very shy and, well,

It's not easy to chat up a lass who won't take her crash helmet off.

Can I tell you a secret?

I don't know whether you want to take this upstairs at any point,

you know, but I'm not...

I've not had... You know, when it comes to...

Geoff, are you trying to tell me you're a virgin?

What? No. God, no.

Jesus! No. I'm...

You know, it's...

Bloody hell, I can't believe you thought...

You are, aren't you?

- Yeah. - It's all right. So am I.

Really?

God, you see...

I know we don't look like the perfect match, but, well...

When you think about it,

we've got so much in common.

- I have message for you. - Message? Who from?

It's my mother. She had to leave.

Right, next up we have Dorothy. Come on, Dorothy. Where are you?

- Okay, one more chair. - No.

No extra chair, thank you.

Dorothy? No.

ANNOUNCER: Okay. Sorry, Dorothy, that was your last chance.

I'm sorry. Would you excuse me?

ANNOUNCER: Right, ladies and gents, I'll sing the next number.

But before I do, I've a special announcement to make.

As some of you may remember, a few nights ago

we had the wedding proposal right here on this stage.

And I'm very excited to tell you that I had a word with the groom today,

and Madge Barron and Mel Harvey are to be married on Levante Beach

tomorrow afternoon at 3:00 and we're all invited!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SINGING WHO'S SORRY NOW)

Hey, Mel, that's what you'll be singing on your wedding day.

Who's sorry now?

- Kate, where have you been? - I just needed some space.

For breaking each vow

Who's sad and blue?

Who's crying too?