Original subtitles

Pick up five. Sorry, Troy. Unless you've got another king.

- I certainly have. Pick up 10, Donald. - I think not. Pick up 15, Gavin.

But this is ridiculous, there aren't 15 cards to pick up.

Calm down, Gav. This is only a game.

No, Gavin's right. It's too hot for cards.

What say, we all have a post-breakfast dip in the jacuzzi?

- Ooh, yes! - TROY: That'll do for me.

- Come on. - No. I'm fine here, thank you.

- Nonsense, we're all going in. Come on. - I'm sorry. I said no.

Are you okay?

TROY: Come on!

- Last one in takes it up the bum. - Ooh! That'll be all of us.

Right, I'm off to get me mam. You're gonna talk to Mel.

Aye, all right.

You look nice, mam.

Thank you, darling.

- I'll be off then. - Yeah.

Oh look! Me watch is wrong. It's the 12th, not the 11th.

I say, me watch is wrong. I'm sure it's the 12th today.

Yeah, well, that's what you get for buying a cheap watch.

Mam? Why don't you want me nana and Mel to get married?

Well, me dad said it's because Mel's a nutter.

Telle, are you gonna be all right with baby Coolio?

Yeah, 'course I am. He is my baby.

Right.

See you back here later.

I thought we could maybe go into the old town for our tea tonight?

Just me and you.

- You kids'll be all right, won't ya? - BOTH: Yeah.

You're joking, aren't ya?

What's the point of spending money out there

when it's all paid for in here?

No, you're right.

No point at all!

Dad, I think mam's upset.

I know. There's summat wrong with her watch.

Look, I don't want to make a big thing of this. I just...

I just don't take my clothes off in public.

This isn't about body image, is it?

- Yes. It is actually. - You've got to be joking.

- You're a fine figure of a man. - Oh, please.

Look, it's all about how you see yourself.

I mean, at home, when I look in the mirror, I don't see a fat person.

- Really? - No, not at all.

Right, I see.

Where'd you buy these mirrors?

Large vodka and orange and a gin and tonic.

Thanks, love.

- A bit early for this, isn't it? - Do you want it or not?

There's no need to take that tone with me, lady.

It's not my fault, your ignorant pig of a husband

forgot your 10-year wedding anniversary.

I'm not here to talk about Mick. We're here to talk about Mel.

Oh, no.

If you brought me here to try and talk me out

of getting married to the man I love,

you can stick your vodka and orange up your arse.

The man you love? You've only known him 20 minutes.

We'll have known each other four weeks on Saturday.

And on Saturday, I'll be having a white wedding on the beach here in Benidorm.

A white wedding?

Who the frig gonna be wearing white, you or him?

Oh, very funny.

And you can stay away if you'll be coming out

with vicious comments like that.

Don't talk rubbish.

As if I'm going to stay away from me own mother's wedding.

Ah! Wouldn't make much difference to me.

None of me other six daughters'll be there.

- And why do you think that is? - Because they're not on holiday with us.

No. Because you've systematically alienated every one of them.

Ooh! Look who's swallowed a bloody dictionary.

They may as well be aliens, I'd see 'em more often.

I just don't want someone you've known for three weeks

to drive a wedge between us.

No, but you're happy for him to pay for your holiday.

You didn't tell me he'd paid until we got here. I thought you'd paid.

Don't you raise your voice to me, lady. And it's four weeks not three weeks.

Three weeks, four weeks, does it matter?

Just think about what you're doing, mother.

Don't you worry. I know exactly what I'm doing.

And I also know that on our 10-year wedding anniversary,

I won't be spending it on me own in an empty Spanish bar

crying into me gin and tonic, like you.

Here we go, coffee, black, like your women.

Just a joke to break the ice.

We've not really had a chance to talk, have we?

So you and Madge getting married?

You sorted out the OK! Magazine deal yet?

You think yourself a bit of a comedian, don't you?

- Depends how tough the crowd is. - Do you know what I think?

No. I'm a comedian, not a mind reader.

I think, as a man in your late 40s,

you should spend less time poking your nose into other people's business

and more time looking after your own affairs.

- Look, can we... - Madge and I are in love.

We're getting married. Deal with it.

I'm 41.

- Give us it here. - You what?

You've been fiddling with that for 20 minutes.

Not that I've been watching ya. My name's Jack.

You're very confident for a 12 year old.

(CHUCKLES) I'm 24.

It's just the date you're trying to change, is it?

Yeah, and if you can't do it, just give it us back.

I need to go find me mother before her battery runs out.

You are absolutely gorgeous.

- Is that supposed to be a compliment? - Uh, yeah.

Does your mother know you talk to women like this?

- My mum died last year. - I'm sorry.

Me dad as well.

Me and me sister bought this place with the money they left us.

Well, I'm very sorry to hear about your parents, Jack,

and it's lovely to hear your life story, but I'd better get going.

Hang on. I'm nearly there.

You remembered my name.

Yeah. I did, didn't I?

That means we should run off together

into the Mediterranean sunset and get married.

All right. I'm up for it.

Seriously, I'd marry you tomorrow. You're gorgeous.

I've got enough weddings to go to this week, thank you.

All right.

I'll settle for a kiss.

Okay, Jack. We've established you're genuinely hilarious.

What we haven't established is that I'm married.

What happens in Benidorm stays in Benidorm.

- It's just a kiss. - Goodbye, Jack.

You haven't paid for your drinks.

Oh! Me bag's on me mother's wheelchair.

I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.

Yeah. Here you are.

There's your change.

Wow!

Bye!

Kelly! How are you?

Hello, Mr Stewart, Mrs Stewart.

Oh! What a lovely surprise! Come and sit down.

- Thanks.

How's your mum after that terrible business in the pool?

Oh, she's okay, thanks.

She said she's gonna sue the hotel

and pay to have the woman's kneecaps broken.

You know, the one who threw her in.

- Still a bit upset then? - You could say that.

Oh dear. And how are you?

Well, that's why I'm here, to be honest. I need some advice.

Go on.

I went to work last night and, well, this was waiting for me.

Oh, I haven't got my glasses.

"Dear Kelly, I love you.

"Kelly, I need you. You are not like the other English pig girls.

"You are kind, beautiful and you do not smell"

You've got to admit, he's got a way with words.

"If we cannot be together, I ask for one last night of passion.

"I know you want this. With one night of passion,

"I will show you that you need me as much as I need me."

Sadly enough, I don't think that's a mistake.

Oh, this is a good bit.

"The throbbing of my heart for you

"is as big as the throbbing in my trousers. Mateo."

Aw. I think I like him again now.

"P.S. Please do not show this letter to your mother.

"She is crazy like stabbed bull."

No, actually. He has got a point with that last bit.

Isn't it a shame

when the nice-looking ones always turn out to be the nutters?

I mean, look at Harry Seacombe.

Pass your pen to Kelly, Jacqueline.

I think we know how to sort this out.

Dear Mateo...

We should travel more, you know.

I mean, I know this holiday hasn't exactly gone to plan, but...

Just feel that sun.

Next holiday, I know it sounds crazy, but...

No planning, no booking, just get up and go.

Can you imagine how liberating that would be?

Yes.

I know it's ridiculous, but can you imagine going to the airport,

running up to the desk and saying,

"Here's my passport, here's my money, you decide where I'm going.

"To hell with the consequences. I just need to goddamn get away."

Yes.

I'm writing these postcards and I don't know half the people's addresses.

- What you writing them for then? - I don't know.

I can always give 'em to people when we get home.

Save on stamps that way, as well.

- Hiya, you all right? - Oh, hiya, yeah.

Fine, thanks.

- Hello, it's Chantelle, isn't it? - Yeah.

Yes. I was speaking to your mum the other day.

And this is your son. Can we have a look at him?

Oh, he's taken the sun well, hasn't he?

Mam!

He's mixed race.

Oh, right.

Like your father.

My late husband was half Irish.

Although you'd never know from just looking at him.

Mind you, he never moved his arms when he was dancing,

so the clues were there.

Geoff were gonna ask if you can look after me son

- if we went out for a drink together? - Oh, lovely!

Ah, yeah, I was gonna ask you, but, um, I forgot.

No. That's smashing. When are you going out? Tonight?

- Yeah.

I was thinking about maybe tomorrow night?

All right. No. Actually tomorrow night is better for me.

I'm a bit tied up tonight.

I thought it was just doing karaoke tonight?

No. No.

- I'm quite busy tonight. - Busy doing what?

You know, people to see, places to go.

What people have you got to see? You don't know anybody here.

- Just people! - And what places have you got to go to?

You've not been outside the building since we got here.

Yeah, exactly, which is why I've got to do all me

- stuff tonight, isn't it? - Well, if you say so.

Yeah, I do.

Right, well, anyway, is tomorrow okay for you?

Lovely. You bring him any time you want.

All right, well, maybe see you later.

Yeah. Cool. Whatever.

We're going to the chapel

And we're going to get married

Will you shut up?

Right I'll have to get back.

I've left someone halfway through Wig Wam Bam.

Excuse me. I need to find my wife.

- Well, I'm not stopping ya. - No, sorry. I mean, have you seen her?

What's she look like?

You've seen her with me. Blonde, about average height,

very pretty, late 30s, looks younger.

Slight intolerance to wheat.

No. I can't think who you mean.

Looks quite miserable most of the time.

Oh her? No. I've not seen her today.

I just assumed she'd gone for a walk, but she's taken her clothes, suitcase.

- She hasn't left a message here for me? - No.

Janey, I need you to read this.

- I'm busy. - Janey, please.

Oh, for Christ's sake, give us it here.

"Dear Mateo. I am sorry I have been avoiding you. You are right.

"Even if we cannot be together, you deserve one last night of passion,

"Room 204. Love, K."

You're a dirty get.

Kate.

Room 204.

Come on, you breeders.

Wam bam, bam sham-a-lam

ALL: Wam bam, bam sham-a-lam

TROY: Come on! Wam bam, bam sham-a-lam

Wham bam, bam sham-a-lam

- Look, don't let 'em get you down. - I'm all right.

Well, you don't look all right.

You've been upset since you came back this afternoon.

I said, I'm fine.

I don't give a shit if they never talk to us ever again.

Well, I do. That's my mother.

If they wanna get married, I say let 'em get on with it.

What is marriage anyway? It don't mean anything.

It's only a bit of paper.

Mam, are you all right?

Janice, what's wrong?

What's the matter, love?

Hey...

MATEO: Kelly?

KELLY: Aah!

(JE T'AIME PLAYING)

MATEO: Oh.

Oh, Kelly. I have missed you so much.

But tonight, I will be your matador.

You will ride me like a crazy bull.

You are beautiful in every way.

(WHISPERING)

Wam bam, bam sham-a-lam

- I'm all right, honest, I'm fine. - You're not fine.

Come on. What have I done? Just tell me what I've done.

What have you done?

10 years married and you didn't even buy your wife a card.

What are you wittering on about, you daft, old...

- Oh, my God. - It's all right.

And you have the brassneck cheek to criticise my fella.

You're no better than animals, the lot of yer.

Unbelievable.

- Janice, I'm so sorry. - It's all right.

- But 10 years. - It's fine.

I'm not bothered about that, honestly, Mick.

I love you. I love you so much.

I love you, too.

Come here.

Wig wam bam Gonna make you my man

Wam bam bam Gonna get you if I can

Wig wam bam gonna make you understand

Try a little touch, try a little too much

Just try a little wig wam bam

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

TROY: Thank you.

HOST: Next up, we have Janice Garvey singing Real Dead Ringer For Love.

Shit. Sorry, mam. I put you down.

It's all right, darling. I want to sing it.

I'm gonna sing it for your dad.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Come on, Jan.

Have you and me mam really been married 10 years, dad?

Yes, son. 10 wonderful years.

Every night I grab some money And I go down to the bar

I got my buddies and a beer I got a dream, I need a car

You got me begging on my knees C'mon and throw the dog a bone

A man he doesn't live by rock 'n roll And brew alone

Baby baby rock 'n roll and brew Rock 'n roll and brew

They don't mean a thing When I compare 'em next to you

Rock n roll and brew Rock 'n roll and brew

I know that you and I Oh, we got better things to do

I don't know who you are Or what you do

Or where you go when you're not around

I don't know anything about you, baby But you're everything I'm dreaming of

I don't know who you are But you're a real dead ringer for love

A real dead ringer for love

(STRUGGLING)

Kate! Kate, hold on, I'm coming!

Martin! How the devil are you?

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I thought...

No worries. Are you off to the karaoke? We're nearly done here.

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

Yes. I'll..

See you downstairs.

(MATEO PANTING)

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

Rock 'n roll and brew Rock 'n roll and brew

I know that you and I Oh, we got better things to do

Rock 'n roll and brew Rock 'n roll and brew

They don't mean a thing When I compare 'em next to you

I don't know who you are Or what you do

Or where you go when you're not around

I don't know anything about you, baby But you're everything I'm dreaming of

I don't know who you are But you're a real dead ringer for love

A real dead ringer for love