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1
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,191
How are you feeling, Mel?
2
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,115
I'm recovering from having 220 volts
of electricity
3
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,311
surging through me body
by an electric juicer.
4
00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:39,839
How do you think I'm feeling?
5
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:42,349
I don't know. That's why I asked.
6
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:43,915
Whoo!
7
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:49,074
By hell, it's fresh in there.
8
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:52,996
You have to get pissed
to keep your circulation going.
9
00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:55,953
How you feeling, Mel?
10
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:59,357
I wish people would stop asking me
how I'm feeling!
11
00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:02,950
- What have I said?
- Right, I'm off for a dip.
12
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:06,710
Don't forget to tell the kids
to ask Mel how he's feeling.
13
00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:13,911
What time is it?
How long have I been asleep?
14
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:20,351
Look, I'm sorry,
but we cannot move you again
15
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:22,630
because this is the second time
you've broke your bed.
16
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:26,037
It's ridiculous.
The beds simply aren't sturdy enough.
17
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:30,074
I can assure you, all our beds are
reinforced to withstand up to 50 stone.
18
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:31,235
We know what we're doing.
19
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:35,115
This is Benidorm. It's not exactly
a mecca for the anorexic.
20
00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:40,438
I mean, if we were really going at it
with three or four friends on the bed,
21
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:41,959
well, fair enough.
22
00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:43,593
But it was just the two of us,
wasn't it?
23
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:44,710
Absolutely.
24
00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:48,071
The thing is... Three or four friends?
25
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,350
We're a very sociable couple.
26
00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:51,959
That's one word for it.
27
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,436
But the thing is,
this is the second time it's happened,
28
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:58,234
so I should actually charge you
for the repair of the bed.
29
00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:01,830
Well, I'm sorry, but we don't bring
any cash on holiday with us.
30
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,236
That's why we book all-inclusive.
31
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,990
Maybe you could ask your
three or four friends to chip in.
32
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,670
Oh, I'm dying to go to the toilet.
33
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,438
Why don't you go?
34
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:18,995
I've only just got nicely settled.
35
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,159
Mother, you'll make yourself ill.
Go to the loo.
36
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:26,638
It seems such a long way to go.
I only want a wee.
37
00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:30,390
How difficult can it be?
You're in a bloody electric wheelchair.
38
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,830
It's badly laid out, this place.
39
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,440
(GRUNTING)
40
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,752
I might go for a dip in the pool.
41
00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:42,915
No!
42
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,040
- Where's Mel?
- I'm not sure where he's gone.
43
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,834
I just asked him how he was
and he stormed off.
44
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,600
He was a bit funny with me last night.
45
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:00,355
How do you mean?
46
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:02,915
We got back to the apartment and...
47
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:06,590
Well, we generally have a Malibu
before we go to our rooms,
48
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:10,839
but he just sald, "I don't think
this holiday's working out,"
49
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,473
and went to bed.
50
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,319
Well, yesterday was the third time
he's nearly died
51
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:17,829
in the four days we've been here.
52
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,234
Maybe he thinks Benidorm's not for him.
53
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,991
I think I'm losing him.
54
00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:26,430
I can't believe it.
55
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:28,153
Two days ago, he asked me to marry him,
56
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:31,796
and now he's going to bed in silence
without his Malibu.
57
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:33,952
The signs are there.
58
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:37,431
Mam, when you said you was
going to take us on holiday again,
59
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:41,269
I didn't realise a man you'd only known
for three weeks was paying.
60
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:42,913
What's that got to do with anything?
61
00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:46,317
Well, it puts us in an awkward position,
doesn't it?
62
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,160
None of us really knows anything
about Mel.
63
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:51,430
He could be a mass murderer.
64
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:04,798
Mr and Mrs Stewart!
65
00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:07,070
Hello, darling!
66
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,759
Kelly! How are you?
67
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,439
Oh, I'm really well, thanks.
68
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:11,709
I thought you'd left.
69
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,354
Yeah, I have.
I work in a bar in the old town now.
70
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:15,470
So, what brings you here?
71
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,830
Well, my mum's staying here
for a couple of days.
72
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,951
Look, I'll send someone up
to try and fix it.
73
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:21,832
It's 204, isn't it?
74
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,474
Yeah, after all the trouble
with Mateo last year,
75
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,113
she thinks she needs to look after me.
76
00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:29,710
Well, if she's got half your charm,
I can't wait to meet her.
77
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:32,070
Oh, it's so lovely to see you.
78
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,517
Is this the dirty bastard?
79
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,389
I'll kick your fat arse
into the middle of next week.
80
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:38,794
You should be locked up.
81
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:40,752
You're old enough to be her father.
82
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:41,995
Mum, what are you doing?
83
00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,873
This is Mr Stewart.
He's here on holiday.
84
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,837
Oh, yeah? Thought he looked
a bit pasty for a Spaniard.
85
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,678
This is my mum, Sylvia.
86
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:55,431
Pleasure to meet you, Sylvia.
I'm Donald. This is my wife Jacqueline.
87
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:57,955
My condolences.
88
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:01,357
Don't worry, I always used to keep
an eye on Kelly when she worked here.
89
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:03,630
- Yeah, I bet you did.
- Mum!
90
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:04,915
Right, where's the bar?
91
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:09,796
I hope this room's got air conditioning
'cause I'm sweating like a pig on heat.
92
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,713
I'm sorry about that.
She's really protective.
93
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:14,319
And so she should be.
94
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:17,319
Mateo! Room 204.
See if you can fix the bed.
95
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,390
Kelly, you are back.
96
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:25,110
I have thought about nothing but you
since you left me.
97
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:28,392
It's really nice to see you,
Mr Stewart, Mrs Stewart.
98
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:29,669
I'll see you later.
99
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,791
Kelly, I have been counting the days
until I...
100
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:36,994
Save your breath, sunshine.
You had your chance and you blew it.
101
00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:40,750
Now, I think I'll accompany you
while you fix this bed.
102
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:45,114
I don't want your sticky fingers
going through my wife's drawers.
103
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,391
You are not the only one.
104
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,556
Hello, there. How are you feeling?
105
00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:59,637
What's it got to do with you?
106
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:03,037
Sorry, we were on the coach trip
yesterday when you were electrocuted.
107
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,878
Don't worry, I know exactly who you are.
108
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,832
You were the daft cow
who pronounced me dead.
109
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,439
Now, steady on.
110
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:11,399
I didn't pronounce you dead.
I just said you had no pulse.
111
00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:15,036
People with no pulse don't sit
in the bar sipping Malibu and pineapple.
112
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:16,833
If it were down to you,
I'd be in a box six feet under
113
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,394
with people chucking dirt on me by now.
114
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:19,555
Come on, let's go.
115
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:23,036
Where'd you get your first-aid badge?
In a lucky dip?
116
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:26,878
SYLVIA: Excuse me.
117
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,876
I'm sorry to bother you,
but could you give me a hand?
118
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,673
Are you all right?
119
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,520
It's this stupid chair.
It's just stopped.
120
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,234
And they said in the shop
it was fully charged.
121
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:43,433
- Oh, no. Is this the M600?
- Well, I've no idea.
122
00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:47,155
Yes, yes, it is.
We hired one of these a few days ago.
123
00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:50,352
It's got a very tricky safety cut-out.
Do you mind?
124
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:51,800
(GRUNTING)
125
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:56,395
You'll have to excuse me.
It's a very tricky nipple switch.
126
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,317
Hang on, I think I've got me hand on it.
127
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:02,273
Don't worry,
I'll get you going in no time.
128
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:05,678
Oh, no, I've lost it.
129
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:08,309
It's one of them the more you try
and feel for it, the harder it gets.
130
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,238
You know what I mean?
131
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:12,674
Oh, my God!
132
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:17,870
- What? What's wrong?
- Mel's snogging nana.
133
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:19,269
Where?
134
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,558
Oh, yeah.
Does that mean they're married now?
135
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:26,594
Oh, my God!
136
00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:34,833
That's not nana.
He was kissing somebody else.
137
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:38,396
Nana is going to go mental
if she finds out about this. Come on.
138
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:41,319
- Where are we going?
- To tell nana!
139
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:47,473
So then what happened was
he sits bolt upright and says,
140
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,238
"Have I missed the bullfight?"
141
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:52,113
You know, you can technically die
for up to four minutes
142
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,469
before coming back to life.
143
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,830
Oh, is that reincarnation?
144
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:57,115
145
00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:59,438
Obviously, you've got to be
pretty fit, you know.
146
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:01,949
The body has to be highly tuned.
147
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,151
Reckon I could do about three minutes.
148
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:07,352
We've always been very fit
in our family.
149
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,598
I don't know why.
150
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:12,151
I suppose we're just lucky.
151
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:13,679
It's like Bruce Lee.
152
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,791
He had a headache one day
and took an aspirin,
153
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,878
but his body was so highly tuned,
it killed him.
154
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,719
- Oh, heck!
- Yeah, I know.
155
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:25,117
That's why when I get a headache,
I just ride it out.
156
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:26,230
Don't want to risk it.
157
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:29,079
Yeah, better to be safe than sorry.
158
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,599
(SNICKERING)
159
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:32,270
You all right?
160
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:33,720
(COUGHING)
161
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,629
Yeah, thanks.
I think I'm getting a cold.
162
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:38,239
Could be worse. Could be a headache.
163
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:39,634
(GIGGLING)
164
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,429
Right, what's for dinner?
165
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:49,996
I don't know, but I could eat a horse
and go back for the jockey.
166
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:53,750
Nana, nana, we've just seen Mel
and he was kissing a woman!
167
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:54,915
You what?
168
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,031
Come here, Michael,
and stop telling tales.
169
00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:01,199
Hey, you, what you been up to, filling
little Michael's head full of rubbish?
170
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,231
Put baby Coolio in the shade.
171
00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:04,555
Well, is it true?
172
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:05,829
Is what true?
173
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,190
Has old, mucky Melvin
been caught with his trousers down?
174
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,311
Of course he hasn't.
Don't be disgusting.
175
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:13,592
I'll wash your mouth out with soap
and water for telling lies, young man.
176
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,360
I'm not lying, nana! Honest, I'm not!
177
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:19,632
He was kissing a lady
in a wheelchair like yours!
178
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:21,878
He wasn't kissing her.
Don't lie, Michael.
179
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,229
I'm not!
180
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:26,552
He was snogging the face off her,
and here's the pictures to prove it.
181
00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:27,670
Wa-hey, pass it over!
182
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,996
Oi, give me that camera here.
183
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,680
Pass it over. Let me have a look.
I don't believe ya.
184
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:44,710
Oh, dear, and he's not backward
in coming forward, is he?
185
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,800
It's not his fault.
He's not feeling himself.
186
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,912
No, he's feeling that woman
in the wheelchair.
187
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:53,197
It's the electric shock.
188
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,278
It's left him vulnerable
and an easy target.
189
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:57,919
He don't look very vulnerable to me.
190
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,077
- Right, I'm off.
- Where are you going, mam?
191
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,190
Where do you think I'm going?
192
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:03,789
I'm going to find that woman
and give her a good seeing to.
193
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,594
Hey, he!l A bit of girl-on-girl action!
194
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,593
Will you shut up?
195
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:09,710
- Mam!
- Out the way!
196
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,717
- Hey, watch it!
- You as well.
197
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,353
Oh, bloody hell!
198
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,517
Go on! Go on, out the way!
199
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,950
- Here you go.
- Oh, lovely.
200
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,351
- How did you get on with the bed?
- Yes, all sorted.
201
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:27,595
I think we'll have to go a bit steady
from now on, though.
202
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:30,394
We weren't even both on it
when it broke.
203
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:34,639
Well, not technically.
I had one leg on the vanity unit.
204
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,194
Ah, yes.
205
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:41,872
"Who won the 1936 Miss Hungary title,
206
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:45,118
"but had to give it up
because she was under 16?"
207
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,629
- Gloria Hunniford.
- Oh!
208
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,558
- How's it going?
- Yeah, all right, thanks.
209
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:59,559
- Mind if I joln you?
- Be my guest.
210
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,959
Just thought I'd grab a cheeky half
and cool off.
211
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,514
Get away from the women.
212
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:09,520
Yeah, I've had a few offers,
but what can you do?
213
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,593
Yeah, same here. It's a bitch, isn't it?
214
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,675
I thought you were with your mam.
215
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,433
Un poco beer, por favor.
216
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,669
Hmm, picked up a bit of the lingo,
have ya?
217
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,279
I speak five languages.
218
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,789
- Bloody hell!
- Yeah.
219
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,079
What are they?
220
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,997
- What are they?
- Yeah, what languages?
221
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:35,989
Do you speak any languages?
222
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:39,715
- You're joking. I struggle with English.
- Oh, right, uh...
223
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:46,079
Italian, French, bit of German,
224
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,390
- Punjabi...
- Punjabi?
225
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,591
Yeah, you know, Indian.
226
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,319
Bloody hell!
227
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,029
What's "Good morning” in Punjabi?
228
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,240
(GRUNTING)
229
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:10,319
You all right?
230
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:13,193
Me ear's really hurting.
231
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:14,754
What's wrong with it?
232
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,314
I don't know.
233
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:19,513
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
234
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:22,070
What did he say?
235
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,873
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
236
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:29,316
He's saying something about
the microclimate in Benidorm.
237
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:32,398
Apparently, there's a possibility
of a thunderstorm.
238
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,194
Hey, did you see a girl with dark hair?
239
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:37,475
No.
240
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:40,713
Might have done.
241
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:47,399
- He's a greasy little bastard, that one.
- Yeah, fancies himself.
242
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:48,994
Women don't want men like that.
243
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,794
(SCOFFS) Men like that
make women feel ill.
244
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,275
You seen him mincing around?
He's always got his shirt off.
245
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:55,390
Geoff...
246
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,591
- What's that all about? He's skinny.
- Geoff...
247
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,677
If I looked like that, I'd be too
embarrassed to take my shirt off.
248
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,074
(CLEARING THROAT) Geoff...
249
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,430
He's a dickhead and he knows it.
250
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:05,836
Listen, I'm off for a bit of a lie down.
251
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,280
Yeah, see you later.
252
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:11,394
Hey, keep your back to the wall
with that Spanish poof about.
253
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,629
You've been there ages, haven't you?
254
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:24,518
I like your hair.
255
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,078
(CLEARING THROAT)
256
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:36,190
- So, what do you think of it?
- Place is full of sex maniacs.
257
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,391
No wonder you had
all the trouble you did.
258
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,955
Okay, well, thanks for trying. Bye.
259
00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:45,037
Kelly, I have been looking everywhere
for you.
260
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:46,514
Mateo, just leave it.
I don't want to speak to you.
261
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,200
- But you don't understand...
- No, you don't understand.
262
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,756
My mother's over there,
and if she sees you, she'll murder you.
263
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:55,793
Your mother?
Oh, I would like to speak to her.
264
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:57,672
Your family should be my family.
265
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,872
When I say she'll murder you,
I don't mean she'll have a go at you.
266
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,879
I mean she will find a knife
and she'll murder you.
267
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,037
- Won't be the first time.
- What?
268
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:10,279
Does that look like the face of a woman
who's never been in prison?
269
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:14,673
But, Kelly, I look into your eyes
and I know you want Mateo.
270
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:15,990
Mum?
271
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,031
(EXCLAIMING IN SPANISH)
272
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,239
Don't say anything.
273
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:33,556
I know we're stuck here
for the rest of our holiday.
274
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:35,114
I'm really sorry.
275
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,560
It's fine.
276
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,040
It's fine.
277
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:40,597
We're here and it's fine.
278
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,354
Well, look on the bright side.
279
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,359
Martin, I can assure you,
there is absolutely no bright side.
280
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:47,515
Sorry.
281
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:49,313
Don't apologise.
282
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:53,149
Well, what do you want me to say?
283
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,871
I don't know. I just...
284
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:58,910
Yesterday, when you won
the arm-wrestling competition,
285
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,919
you didn't apologise,
you didn't make excuses.
286
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:05,351
You just took control, like a real man.
287
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:10,718
I just wish you could do that
a bit more often.
288
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:21,913
Put down that magazine
and get up those stairs, bitch!
289
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,478
Sorry. Sorry, that...
290
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,158
That was misjudged.
291
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:40,069
Here, you've always got your nose
in other people's business.
292
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,111
Have you seen this woman?
293
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,516
- I beg your pardon?
- This woman on here!
294
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,313
Have you seen her?
295
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,838
I can't really see.
296
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,155
No, I don't think so.
297
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:53,475
(GROANING)
298
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,113
Bloody useless!
299
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,833
I've managed to get us
on a waiting list.
300
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,189
Shut up.
301
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,439
Mick. Mick, wake up.
302
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,120
What time is it?
303
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,754
- She's there.
- Eh?
304
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,998
The woman in the photo with Mel,
she's there.
305
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:32,440
That's her, isn't it, Telle?
306
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,392
Yeah, that's her, definitely.
307
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:37,353
- Where's your mam?
- Not here, thank God.
308
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:38,750
Where's Mel?
309
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,713
He's in his room.
I saw him on the balcony.
310
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:46,239
Oh, shit.
311
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:57,998
Oi, you!
312
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:02,233
You talking to me?
313
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:06,838
Yes, I'm talking to you, Miss
Butter-Wouldn't-Melt-in-Me-Knickers.
314
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,038
I beg your pardon?
315
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:12,118
You'll be begging for more than
my pardon when I get hold of ya.
316
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:13,355
Madge, you okay?
317
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:14,754
Piss off!
318
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:19,829
Come over here and say that,
you saggy-faced old cow.
319
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:23,794
Ooh!
320
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,112
Mum, just ignore her. She's mad.
321
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:30,154
Oh, yes, that's the kind of language
I expect from an old slag
322
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,636
who goes round interfering
with other women's fellas.
323
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,230
You know what I'm talking about.
324
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,910
In that bar, this afternoon.
325
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,240
Come on, sweetheart.
Let's get you out of the way.
326
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:46,953
Wait for me, mum!
327
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,231
Oh, mum, just leave it.
328
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,438
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
329
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,359
Uh-oh.
330
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:51,514
Oh, shit.
331
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,759
(PRAYING IN SPANISH)
332
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,837
Come on, let's go in.
333
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,237
Are you insane?
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
334
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:15,309
I've met your type before,
all fur coat and no knickers.
335
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,030
And I've met your type before.
336
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,670
I used to work in a nuthouse.
337
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,394
What the bloody hell's going on here?
338
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:25,911
Is this the bloke you've been
going on about?
339
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,554
The one that tried to feel me up
in the bar?
340
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,079
Huh, I might have known.
341
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:32,237
Feel you up?
I was disengaging your safety switch.
342
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,158
That's what they call it these days.
343
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:38,353
Can't find a man of your own, so
start sniffing around somebody else's.
344
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:39,800
You're desperate.
345
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,833
I'd have to be desperate
to shag that leathery, old dwarf.
346
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:43,950
Hmm?
347
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:45,070
(GASPING)
348
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,760
Right, that does it.
349
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:02,674
(EXCLAIMING)
350
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,236
What are you doing, you stupid cow?
351
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,158
Oh, she's blinded me!
352
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:24,434
(EXCLAIMING)
353
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,238
(GASPING)
354
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:33,310
Hey!
355
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,830
KELLY: Swim over here.
Give us your hand.
356
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,793
- Give me your hand. Give me your hand.
- Oh!
357
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,398
That's it. I've had enough.
358
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:52,070
You clear all your stuff
out of your room and sling your hook,
359
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,077
because you're barred from the hotel.
360
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,589
Me? She started it!
361
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,189
There's seven of them
and they're here for a week.
362
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:00,640
They've spent more money.
363
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,831
Oh, come on, mum, let's go.
364
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,794
- Plkey Northern bastards.
- KELLY: Come on.
365
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:11,878
Go on, piss off
back to where you came from.
366
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,439
Let's get you back to the room, eh?
367
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:16,949
Madge, I can't believe you thought
I'd look at another woman.
368
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,754
-I thought you were going off me.
- Going off you?
369
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,439
I'll show you how much
I'm going off you.
370
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:25,190
We're getting married here in Benidorm
before we go back home.
371
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:26,310
(SIGHS)
372
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,397
Now, are you in, or are you out?
373
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:31,114
- I'm in.
- Right, come on.
374
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,397
I don't know about you,
but I need a drink.
375
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:36,754
(SIGHING)
376
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:40,794
Oh, my God!
28702
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