Original subtitles

(DRILLING)

Has he gone off?

He's on his way. I think he quite likes the drilling.

Aw, bless.

Look at his little face. He is so beautiful.

Aren't you beautiful? Ooh, give us a kiss.

It's still not too late to change his name, you know.

Mam, I've told you, I am not changing his name.

But what sort of a name is Coolio for a little lad?

It's his name.

- You stick to your guns, Telle. - Thanks, Dad.

I think you should call the next one Doddy, after Ken Dodd.

- Don't be stupid. - Well, you frigging started it.

My nana said she wanted you to call him after her dad.

Hey, we are not calling him Adolf.

(GIGGLING)

I hope me mam's all right. They should be down by now.

She looked terrified last night.

I know. Wasn't the most convincing acceptance

of a marriage proposal I've ever seen.

I think when he picked her up and carried her out the back,

It was supposed to be like An Officer and a Gentleman.

More like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

It spoilt it a bit when they had to come back for her wheelchair.

Are my nana and granddad married now?

No, they aren't, and he's not your granddad.

Not yet.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Martin, can you try again? They can't still be engaged.

They said they'd let us know when a room became available.

I double-checked they had our number.

Oh, it's switched off.

We shouldn't be staying here at all. We paid for the hotel in Altea.

They made the double-booking, it's their fault we're here.

Any real man would have told them that.

Do you really think I want to be here?

Watching the man you have an affair with strutting around like a peacock?

It wasn't an affair. It was a moment of madness.

Yes, well, I'm pretty bloody mad myself right now.

Well then, I suggest you get on the phone and get us out of here.

- Hola! - Fuck off.

It's a shame I don't really tan.

My mother was the same, white as a sheet she was.

Your granddad didn't let her answer the door on Halloween

because she used to frighten the kiddies.

Mum, I'm trying to get these finished.

How many are you gonna have to do?

I don't know, 30, 40.

You'll get writer's cramp.

Our Pauline said she had that.

That's why she didn't write to me when they were in South Africa.

Or was that writer's block?

No, I think that's the one Jeffrey Archer had

when he were in prison.

Or was it that he didn't get writer's block in prison

after thinking he might?

I can't remember which magazine it were in.

Mum, you're frying me brain.

Oh, your father used to eat brains.

I'm going to give these out.

Lamb's brains.

They were fried as well.

(COUGHING)

Ooh, look, Brad and Angelina are up.

Oh, yeah, I wonder if we'll be invited to the wedding.

I'd rather suck out my eyes with a vacuum cleaner

and replace them with hot toffee apples.

I'll tell them to put us down as not sure.

Hey, do you want to go out for some lunch today?

"Nero's all you can eat Italian buffet, €8."

No. A free mystery meat burger near the pool

will make my life complete for today, thank you.

Here you are. Mystic Maureen, Capricorn.

"Your mind is clear, your emotions calm.

"And this will help you to make the right choices for yourself

-"and people you care about." - Aw.

"A handsome stranger will make you an attractive offer you cannot refuse.”

GEOFF: How are you, lads?

Arm-wrestling competition near the pool at 1:00.

€5 entry, winner takes all.

Bloody hell, she's good, ain't she?

Move!

Well?

- Still engaged. - Oh, for goodness sake.

Hiya, arm-wrestling competition at 1:00. €5 entry, winner takes all.

Hey, lads, do you want to enter an arm-wrestling competition?

Well..

You can't say there's nothing to do here.

Dear God in heaven.

Kate, where are you going?

(YAWNING)

Hiya, Mel

Morning, mam, did you sleep all right?

No, we were up half the night.

I think Mel's done his back in.

Ooh, spare us the gory details, will ya?

Don't be disgusting. It was carrying Madge up the stairs.

Should have known, I've always had a weak back.

Jesus, how weak is your back? She only weighs about three stone wet through.

Started as a twinge at the base of me spine when I went to bed.

And, during the night, it was more of a dull ache.

Right.

And this morning, it had turned into a persistent, nagging pain

that moved right up to me shoulders.

Yeah?

No, it's like being constantly stabbed by a thousand hot knives.

Right.

Do you think you should see a doctor, Mel?

No, I'm not one to complain.

Right. I'm going to get meself a brew.

No, don't worry about us, we're fine, thanks.

Ah!

- Did you have a nice lie-in? -"Nice lie-in"?

With him snoring like a pig next door

and banging about in the bathroom till all hours?

You must be joking.

I think he's got haemorrhoids.

Ugh!

Your father was the same. The hot weather always used to bring 'em down.

Did you have a good talk last night, mam?

Sweats as well. Comes out of him in buckets, it does.

Apart from his back, the sweating and his piles,

I think you've got yourself a real catch there, Madge.

(MICK CHUCKLING)

Never trust a man who sweats, they've always got something to hide.

So when are you getting married, nana?

Telle, take Michael to go and play on the swings.

I don't want to play on the swings, I want to stay here and see Mel's piles.

MICK: (CHUCKLING) No, you don't.

Come on, mam, let's take the baby for a walk.

Good idea. I could do with stretching me legs.

Don't strain yourself, Madge.

MADGE: Bugger off!

(MICHAEL GIGGLING)

Thank you very much.

Thank you, darling.

Geoff. Geoff. Come here, son.

What are you doing? I'm trying to organise everything here.

Ay, we've got €55.

Well, nice one. Give us it here.

Hey, what's going on here?

Nothing.

What do you mean "nothing"? Why have you moved all the chairs?

You are not allowed to do this.

We're having an arm-wrestling competition.

Shut up!

What competition? You cannot make your own competition.

She's only joking.

- But we've already taken people's money. - For Christ's sake!

You cannot make arm-wrestling competition here.

I bring the manageress.

Hang on. Hang on, mate.

There's nearly €100 here.

€5 per entry, winner takes all.

You let us have the competition, you can enter for free.

- Winner takes all? - If you win it, you get the lot.

Wait here, I get a better table.

- Where's the lid? - Do the chairs.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

- It's Big Donna. - Oh, any news?

"You and Jacqueline greatly missed last night.

"A session with the MSA, Middlesbrough Swingers Association,

"was resounding success.

"New members Edith and Eddie Gibson are very much into anal.

"So that's two more for our September Bottoms Up evening."

Ah! Smashing!

"Good news, Alan's glasses turned up in the Nardini's hot tub.

"Bad news, Keith Barclay's homemade lubricant has stripped

"the leather off my three-seater.”

Oh, dear.

- Another screaming orgasm? - Oh, yes.

Here you are, mam.

He's got an evil look, that child.

Mother, that's your great-grandson.

Your Uncle Douglas had that look, and he murdered a man.

Lug-less Douglas? He was deaf and only had one eye.

- Who's he supposed to have murdered? - Oh, they covered it up.

He drowned a man in Medley Street Baths for borrowing his soap.

Oh, turn that buggy round, he's giving me black looks.

Mother, I won't tell you again.

Thank you, love.

So, what's going on with Mel?

What do you mean, what's going on?

Well, last night when he asked you to marry him and you said yeah,

- you didn't mean it, did ya? - Of course I meant it.

Why would I say yes if I didn't mean it?

But, mother, you've just spent half the day moaning about him.

I don't know, there's something about him.

I just don't think he's right.

Of course he's not right. He's off his bleeding nut.

So why are you going to marry him?

Because it may have escaped your notice,

but I've not exactly got offers coming out me ears.

I need someone to look after me.

I thought I looked after you.

I can hardly compare you to him.

He's a successful businessman with five shops and a static caravan in Lytham.

What have you got?

This tea is cold.

I'll get you another.

Come on!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(CROWD BOOING)

Come on, big guy! Come on!

Come on! You can do it! Come on!

(EXCLAIMING)

MAN: Come on! Come on!

Yeah! Yeah!

You were putting me off!

(WHOOPING)

MICHAEL: Come on, granddad!

(GROANING)

Come on!

Come on, granddad!

Ah!

No, me back's gone.

MAN: Yes, yes! Come on, come on!

Hola!

- What do you want? - I like you.

I like a woman with... How do you say? Spunk.

Look, I know it's not going to be easy, but the past must remain in the past.

I'm flattered that you still hold a torch for me, but I'm a married woman.

What happened between us last year was a moment of madness, nothing more.

- Last year? - Yes, last year.

We have met before?

You mean you don't even remember?

I am a busy man.

My God! You're an animal.

So, you want to eat some Spanish sausage or not?

Now I remember you.

Come on, Martin!

Come on, Martin!

Keep going, Troy. Keep it going.

Come on!

KATE: Yes!

Sorry, I didn't hurt your hand there, did I?

No, really, I'm fine.

Come on, out of the way.

- Right, you're in the final - Poor thing.

- Martin, you've beaten four people. - I know.

- You're in the final. - Surprised you noticed.

Okay, second semi-final,

The Oracle, that'll be me, versus Potato.

- Mateo. - Yeah, whatever.

Me and you, semi-final. Bring it on.

Let's do this properly, huh? Follow me.

Fat boy!

CROWD: Ooh!

MICK: Come on, Michael, let's see where he's going.

Not a bad cup of tea that considering they're foreigners.

(WHEEZING)

Not in front of the baby, mother.

He doesn't understand about cigarettes.

I don't mean you setting a bad example,

I'm talking about passive smoking.

Passive smoking is just a myth.

It's like them people who say going on sunbeds is bad for ya.

Well, it is.

I've smoked since I was 16 and I've been using sunbeds since the mid-'80s

and look at me, picture of health.

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Right, let's get shifted. I didn't come all the way to Spain to sit indoors.

Mam, what I said about Mel, I've got nothing against him personally.

I just want the best for ya. You know that, don't you?

I know you do, darling.

And believe me, I'm well aware that Mel is by no means the best.

But he'll do for me.

Come on.

I wonder if they do pile cream out here?

(ALL CHEERING)

Come on, big fellow! Come on!

- Looks pretty good. - Oracle, come on!

Come on, Son, keep going. Just push harder than him.

I know how to do it.

Sorry, son, I'm just trying to be helpful.

You're not helping.

- Hey, excuse me, love. - Out of the way!

- Non-players off the green, please. - Get out!

Get off me, will you?

MICK: Come on, lad!

The Spanish will never win, his technique is all wrong.

If you're such an expert, how come you got knocked out?

I did better than you, knocked out in the first round by a bloody woman.

Yes, we're sorry about that,

but my Jacqueline's always had strong wrists, haven't you, darling?

Oh, yes.

- Come on! - Come on!

Come on, Potato.

Go on. Go to your mommy, you big, fat baby.

I'm not a baby, I'm a dragon!

(ALL GROANING)

All right, sit down.

No, no, illegal move!

Illegal move! You used both hands at the end!

Don't be an idiot. You're the loser, deal with it. Next.

Hey, mate, you're in the final, who do you think won?

Well, there's no doubt in my mind who I'm in the final with.

Shall we?

CROWD: Ooh!

Well, thanks a bunch, pal. Nice to see us Brits sticking together.

Hey, wait a minute, this is not fair. He's had a rest. I need 10, 15 minutes.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

(CROWD JEERING)

Siesta!

Right, you don't want to wrestle, forget it. I'm okay to go again.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Look, will you give me that?

Okay, okay, I fight.

- Come on, Martin. - Come on, lad.

After you.

Oh, you're back. We were gonna send out a search party.

MEL: Excuse me, lady coming through.

Here, me darling. Front row seats.

Thanks, Mel.

GEOFF: Right!

This is the grand final of the Benidorm Arm-wrestling Competition, 2007.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

England

(ALL CHEERING)

versus Spain.

(ALL BOOING)

- Boo! - MATEO: Boo you!

- Henry Cooper once said... - Get on with it.

All right, all right. Lock hands.

That's not nice. That's not nice.

Take the strain.

(GRUNTING)

And wrestle!

Come on, Martin!

- Martin! Martin! Martin! - Martin! Martin! Martin!

- Martin! Martin! Martin! - Martin! Martin! Martin!

KATE: Come on, Martin!

Yes!

Hang on, hang on. His elbow left the table, surely that can't be right.

- Elbow! - That's not right!

That's cheating!

Your elbow left the table, you're disqualified.

You dirty, twisting, Spanish bastard!

All right, mam, sit down!

No, no, let's go again.

- You what? - Let's go again!

I don't want to win by default.

Are you stupid? You've won.

Martin, Martin, take the disqualification.

Yes, it is the only way you're going to win.

Why don't you take the dissiqualification, Martin?

Not on your Nellie.

- All right, come on. - Come on, Martin!

Let's get on with it.

- Come on! - Come on now, Martin!

- Come on! Come on, lad! - Come on, Martin!

The excitement's unbearable. I hope it lasts.

Take the strain.

And wrestle!

Come on, Martin.

(SCREAMING) Come on!

- Come on, you can do it! - Come on!

Does the winner get to sleep with your wife?

(SCREAMING)

Yes!

Bravo, diva! Bravo, diva!

Waiter, waiter, get us some drinks, please.

(OINKING)

Here you are. Well done, son.

Come on, we're going upstairs.

(KATE GASPS)