Original subtitles

(WOMAN SPEAKING ON PA IN SPANISH)

- Oh, that is lovely. - You're very welcome.

- Another satisfied customer. - Oh yeah.

Who else have you been rubbing with suncream?

That's for me to know and you to find out.

- It's a joke. - Yeah.

Like your dodgy claim for disability.

That was for you to know and the DSS to find out

and they bloody did, didn't they?

Yeah. well, it's all sorted now. Not a care in the world.

Not a care in the world. We're up to our eyeballs in debt.

We've got an 8 year old with ADD

and a 17 year old with a 9-month-old baby.

Yeah. well, that's the beauty of a holiday in the sun, isn't it?

Forget all your cares and worries.

Like these two. Black and white minstrels.

Look at the state of them. They couldn't give a shit.

- Don't you go upsetting him today. - Don't go upsetting him?

He could have an argument in a phone box with no money, that one.

Mind you, he has paid for this holiday.

- Oh, Christ. And don't we know about it. - A bit of gratitude wouldn't go amiss.

- He nearly died in that pool yesterday. - And whose fault was that?

Nobody told him to have a diving competition with Fatty Arbuckle.

Anyway, it was me that gave him the kiss of life.

I know. It's no wonder he looks so ill.

Hiya, mam.

(MADGE GRUNTING)

Hiya, Mel. How are you feeling?

- Lucky to be alive. - Yeah.

But I'd rather not talk about it if it's all the same to you.

We had a terrible night.

Madge ran me a bath and I started having flashbacks.

I think it were the sound of the water.

But to be honest, I'd rather not talk about it.

Probably best if you don't.

Doing the old karaoke tonight, Mel?

Its terrible when your whole life flashes in front of you like that.

I couldn't even see it properly because I didn't have me glasses on.

Still, I'd rather just forget about it if it's all the same to you.

Yeah. We could deal with that no problem.

Can I get you a drink, Mel?

I can still feel the chlorine in the water ravaging me eyes.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

What's wrong with him?

Oh, we knew you'd be back, the pair of you. Didn't we, Jacqueline?

Oh yes.

Well, actually it's a belated honeymoon.

Oh, lovely.

'Cause this is where you proposed, isn't it?

Yes. We've returned to the scene of the crime.

- How romantic. - Yeah.

Plus 160 quid all inclusive for a week.

- Cost more to stay at home. - Oh, exactly.

We've got a friend at our sauna, Big Donna,

she's been banned from most of the all-you-can-eat restaurants

- in our area, isn't she? - She's a big girl.

But she comes to Benidorm

and they just let her get on with it here, don't they?

It's buffet heaven.

She even got caught smuggling pancake rolls

in her knickers from Mr Woo's, but they just gave her a doggie bag.

It's as if we never left.

(COOLIO CRYING)

No wonder he's crying. You're shaking him too much.

- You're gonna make him puke. - Michael, I won't tell you again.

- He's giving me a headache. - Well, go somewhere else then.

- I wanna stay with you. - Then stop asking stupid questions.

- Why did you have a baby? - What've I just said to you?

Well, that's not a stupid question. Why did you have a baby?

Because I just did.

Do you think nana and Mel will have a baby?

- No, I don't. - Why not?

Because they're too old.

- I wish they would have one. - Why?

Because then we'd have a brown baby and an orange one as well.

Oh, hello there. What's wrong with you?

- Can I pick him up? - Yeah.

- Do you want to look after him tonight? - Hello. My name's Kate.

Hiya. Do you wanna look after him tonight?

Do you really think it's wise to be asking someone you don't know

-to babysit for you? - Well, I know who you are.

You were here last year when our Michael dropped a log in the pool.

Sorry.

- What's your baby's name? - Coolio.

- Coolio? - After the rapper.

Oh, I see.

-I don't think I know any of his songs. - Gangsta's Paradise?

Sticky Fingers? Ugly Bitches?

- Hiya.

Just spoken to the hotel in Altea

and they said they might be able to have us back tomorrow.

So it looks like we're stuck here for a bit longer.

Well, at least tonight.

I'm sure we can find something to do.

You're all right, mam, on that scooter? We can find you another sunbed.

I'm all right on here, thank you. Got everything I need here.

(CHOKING)

You all right, Mel?

I'll survive.

Might be nice for Mel to use the wheelchair for a couple of days

while he's not feeling too good.

Dick-A-Dum-Dum or Great Balls of Fire?

- You what? - Karaoke for tonight.

Here we are. Fill your boots.

I might have a crack at Wuthering Heights.

Yeah. I'll look forward to that.

Hey, you and Telle should do a duet.

What about Ebony and Ivory?

Why don't we have a nice night in together?

You should be taking it easy.

What, with karaoke on the go? No danger.

Here we are, Madge. This round's on me.

I think you'll find the drinks are on Mel.

It's all-inclusive.

I had little change from 900 quid for this holiday.

- Not that I've had much thanks for it. - What's that you're talking about?

Me saving your life yesterday? Oh no. Don't mention it.

Cheers, Mel.

Oh, you won't get any thanks out of that one.

I just said �thank you".

I've never understood that selfish, ungrateful streak in my kids.

I said "thank you".

When she was a child, she used to eat her sweets on the toilet

so she didn't have to share them with anyone.

Now, do you actually believe this stuff yourself, mother,

or you just enjoy making it up as you go along?

Hiya.

What do you want?

Just wanted to see if you were all right after yesterday.

I'm fine, no thanks to you.

- I beg your pardon? - You heard me.

If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have banged me head

-on the bottom of the pool. - How do you work that out?

You've done enough damage. Why can't you leave the man in peace?

- Leave him in peace? - It's idiots like you get people killed.

Who are you calling an idiot, you dickhead?

- All right, ladies. That's enough. - Dickhead? Dickhead?

You can't talk to me like that. My father fell at Normandy.

I don't care if he went arse over tit in Scunthorpe, you're a dickhead.

Can we just all calm down?

Think yourself lucky. You should be up for attempted murder.

- Fuck off. - Right, that's it.

- Mel. - Come here.

See you mum's coming.

JANICE: Mel, what are you doing? Sit down...

MEL: Come on. Come on. Come on now, boy.

(SQUABBLING)

Break it up. Break it up now.

You, fat boy. You caused problems here before.

- I remember. Hup! - Yeah. Yeah.

Well, keep away from me. Did you hear?

-(SHOUTS IN ANGER) Keep away. - On yer bike.

And that goes for Touch� Turtle in the wheelchair an'all.

- Go. Go with your mommy. - I'm going.

Dickheads.

Who the freak's Touch� Turtle?

- (SCREAMS) - Shut up!

Martin, turn the television off. We can't have that on with a baby here.

Why not? He might like it.

Martin, please don't try to be funny. It's very tiring.

And close the balcony door. There's a draught.

(COOLIO CRYING)

That'll be the baby then.

And put some proper shoes on.

Hello. Come in.

Hiya. Right. It's got a bottle in the front pocket.

If that runs out, there's some powdered stuff in the bag.

He's got two dummies in the side zip pocket.

If you drop them on the floor, put them in boiling water.

If he cries, he's got a teething ring in the inside pocket.

I shouldn't be too late. Wet wipes are in the bottom of the bag.

- Hiya. - Right.

- Okay. - Anything else?

No. That's it.

Oh, and I think he might need changing. Thanks a lot. I'll see you later.

Is it all right to open the balcony door again?

- How's your chicken, mam? - A bit bland.

I wish I'd gone for the beef curtains.

Beef medallions, mam. Do you mind?

- Beef curtains. - You knew what she meant.

Oh, Jesus. Who needs cabaret with your mother sat there?

- Shut up. - Hiya, love. Did you have him sorted?

Yeah. They were dead chuffed to have him.

Oh lovely. It's only for a couple of hours, isn't it?

Yeah. Where's Mel?

He'll be here soon. He was getting changed.

- Does Mel like beef curtains, Madge? - Will you pack it in?

- What are beef curtains? - Now look what you've done.

Oh, my God.

Everyone all right for drinks?

Vodka and orange, Madge?

No, I'm fine. Thank you.

Back in a minute.

Jesus, looks like we're getting cabaret after all.

Well, hello Saturday Night Fever.

Is that the bloke who was wearing a thong yesterday?

Yes. Quite a natty dresser.

I've got a swimsuit with a thong.

It's very summery,

but it can ride up a bit, if you know what I mean.

Excuse me, could you cancel my order for the blancmange?

Supermart... dig it in the fast lane

Listen to the countdown They're playing our song again

I can't get, Jumpin' Jack Just wanna hold, Get Back

Moonlight Muzak Knick knack, paddywhack

Talk about Pop Muzik

- He won't stop. - Yes. I have noticed.

Well, don't just stand there. Do something.

- What on earth are you doing? - I'm dancing.

Why on earth do you think a nine-month-old baby would want...

He likes it.

(COOLIO CRYING)

Well, don't stop.

(COOLIO LAUGHING)

Talk about Pop Muzik

Talk about Pop Muzik

What is he wearing?

Everybody made it

I suppose you could say he's made an effort.

You should try it sometime.

Not if I end up looking like that.

Moonlight Muzak Knick knack, paddywhack

Talk about Pop Muzik

Talk about Pop Muzik

I mean, he's actually not a bad mover.

It's all around you

Right. It might help us if you define the word "bad".

Munich, everybody talk about Pop Muzik

Talk about Pop Muzik

Talk about Pop Muzik

Pop, Pop, Pop Muzik, Pop

He's quite sexy in some ways, isn't he?

Talk about

I'm sorry. Are we all looking at the same thing?

Don't get me wrong. He's not conventionally attractive,

but I have been known to go for some unusual types in my time.

You don't say.

Loud and clear

(MARTIN PANTING)

I'm getting tired. Can you take over?

-I can't do that. - Of course you can.

It's all in the hips.

Ready?

It's no good. He likes it when you dance.

Martin, what are you doing? Martin, don't pick him up.

He liked your dancing.

It's not your dancing.

He likes you.

I'm on the hitline goin' home

Oh no

(AUDIENCE WHISTLING)

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Nailed it.

Nailed it.

You're my oxygen.

There you go. That's Geoff with Pop Muzik.

Cracking straight on we've got Mel singing Lonely Girl.

Let's hear it for him. Yaaah!

MAN: All right, Mel.

Come on, Mel.

Mel!

Thank you very much.

I'd like to dedicate this to a very special lady,

who over the last few weeks has made me feel like a very special man.

Madge.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hey there, lonely girl

Lonely girl

Let me make your broken heart like new

Hey there, lonely girl

Lonely girl

Don't you know this lonely boy loves you

Ever since he broke your heart

You seem so lost

Each time you pass my way

Oh how I long to take your hand

And say "Don't cry"

"I'll kiss your tears away"

Hey, lonely girl

Lonely girl

It's not natural.

Well, at least it's in tune, sort of.

I think his thong might be a bit too tight.

You don't think he put yours on by mistake, do you, Madge?

This lonely boy loves you

I'm sorry to interrupt,

but I just wanted to apologise for my son

having a go at your husband today.

Oh, he's not me husband. He's... He's just a friend.

Well, an acquaintance really. I hardly know him.

Oh, right. I just didn't want it to spoil your holiday.

No, don't be daft. It were just a misunderstanding.

Well, he can get a bit out of control

When he was little, he had one of them leather crash helmets,

you know, to stop him nutting the wall.

But it don't fit him any more.

Well, they grow so fast, don't they?

Bye, bye.

Lonely girl

Don't you know this lonely boy loves you

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Thank you. Just before I hand the mic back,

there's a small announcement I'd like to make.

As some of you know, yesterday I had an accident in the pool,

which nearly took my life.

It's times like this that make you realise

that life is not a rehearsal. This is it.

And, yes, I've made a success of my life.

I've got five sunbed shops in Manchester.

But I think it was Charles Manson who said,

"You're not living life to the full if you're living it alone.�

I know, my late wife, Nerys,

who died in a crazy paving accident in 1979,

will be smiling down on me now, as I say,

Madge Delilah Barron...

Will you marry me?

Fucking hell!

Yes.

Yes. I'll marry yer.

(PEOPLE WHISTLING AND WHOOPING)

Mel, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Oh, Jesus. Mick! Mick!

- What are you doing? - MICK: Mel, don't...