Original subtitles

(CHEERING)

Are you all right, mother?

Mother, have you fallen in?

(MADGE GROANS)

Are you all right?

Who's ever heard of serving boiled egg curry on a plane?

- Well, you didn't have to eat it. - It were free.

Where's Mel? I don't want him to see me like this.

Have I gone all pale?

I don't think there's much chance of that.

He's out here with the rest of us.

(MAN ON PA) Passengers arriving from Manchester Airport on flight 219...

- You all right, princess? - Ah!

He's a good-looking fella, you've got to admit it.

I think that curry's affected your eyes as well, come on.

Of course, I know you didn't go for looks with Mick or personality.

Do you mind? That's my husband you're talking about.

Oh, there's something about a handsome man just gets the old juices flowing.

Bloody hell, mother, do you have to?

- Everything all right? - Oh, yes. I was just powdering me nose.

(BURPING)

- You look a million dollars. - Oh, you don't look so bad yourself.

Jesus, if we get any more juices flowing we'll have to swim to the hotel.

- You what? - Never mind!

Where's Telle?

She's here. Come on, let's go.

- Have you got everything? - Yeah.

- Are you sure? - Yeah!

Oh, shit!

Come on. We're gonna miss the coach.

MICHAEL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, you forgot the baby.

Never mind that. Let's just get on bus.

Never mind never mind that. That's your grandson.

Excuse me. You don't want to share a cab into Beni, do you?

- Beni? - Benidorm.

- Ah, right. No. Sorry. - Oh right. You're on a package.

Hey, you couldn't sneak me and the wife onto your coach, could you?

We're not going to Benidorm, we're going to Altea.

Altea?

What, is that where you're having your holiday?

- Yes. Apparently it's beautiful. - Depends what you like.

You won't get an all-day English breakfast there, you know that?

Yes. We know.

- And there's no karaoke. - We know.

Yeah. Well, to be honest, there's hardly any English up there at all.

They're all Spanish.

- We know. - We know.

Mmm.

Ice cream tastes so much nicer when the sun's shining, don't it?

Yeah. Definitely.

I wonder how they do that.

(WOMAN WHOOPING)

(WHIMPERING) I'm gonna miss you so much, Mateo.

Hey, come on. No tears.

You're going to miss your plane.

Call me tonight.

My sweet, my love, I will call you every night.

Come on. We're gonna be late.

Do you love me?

Hey, come on, Lisa,

I think, deep down, you know the answer to that question.

I love you, too.

Go.

Go.

Come on, Mateo. It's change-over day today

and I want this bar spotless.

- Hola! - Hiya!

So that's up to the top, across the square, first on the right.

Gracias.

- Few steps, I'm afraid. - That's fine.

- It'll do us good to stretch our legs. - Yes, quite.

Oh!

How long does it take to hire a bloody wheelchair?

I've bought houses in less time.

- When have you ever bought a house? - Monopoly.

It's a figure of speech.

Ay up, here he comes. Didsbury's answer to Julio Iglesias.

If he mentions his five sunbed shops again, I'm gonna deck him.

There you go, me darling, queen of the road.

Oh, thanks, Mel. You didn't have to, you know.

You do realise there are people here that might actually need a wheelchair.

You don't have to be a cripple to have a wheelchair.

I'm entitled to take it easy while I'm on holiday.

While you're on holiday?

You do nowt but sit on your bony arse the other 51 weeks of the year.

Maybe you should have had one of these when you were fiddling your disability.

You might've got away with it then.

It's funny. I've always dreamed of seeing you in an electric chair, Madge.

Unfortunately, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Do you think we could stop arguing for five minutes and get checked in?

- I'd quite like to start my holiday. - Excuse me, Janice.

I paid for this holiday, I'll set the pace, thank you.

Slowly but surely, that's my motto.

I didn't set up five sunbed shops in the Greater Manchester area overnight.

Took me nearly six months.

What have your bloody sunbed shops got to do with this holiday?

- And what is that smell? - Mam, I think Coolio shat himself again.

No wonder he's out of control

A teenage mother, a father from God knows where.

Oddly enough, mother,

babies tend to fill their nappies regardless of parentage.

- You are such a racist. - I am not a racialist.

we had a black fella living next door to us when we were down Lymington Garth.

He was no bother at all.

Yeah, and he was still three shades lighter than you.

Come here to your nana, poor angel.

(COOLIO WHINING)

Ooh, he is a bit whiffy, isn't he?

Right. Onward.

Mum, the baby stinks. It's stinging me eyes.

JANICE: Don't breathe, Michael. Don't breathe.

(BELL TOLLING)

(MARTIN PANTING)

Ah gracias!

- MICHAEL: Mam, I'm tired. - Nearly there.

- Telle, can you give me a piggy back? - CHANTELLE: Piss off.

Hey! Language, lady.

MEL: Hang on a minute.

- Is this it? - What do you mean, "Is this it"?

Well, is this the pool and are these the sunbeds?

That big, round, wet thing's the pool

and them blue and white things are the sunbeds.

- Sorry if it's confusing. - You know what I mean?

Is this the only pool, are these the only sunbeds?

- Yeah. Is there a point to any of this? - None of this is right.

Mam, I have to change Coolio. I can't breathe.

Can we do this later, Mel?

Says in the brochure there's a diving board and a breakfast area.

- Mum, can I get in the pool? - Not yet, darling.

- Mum! - We've gonna have to get in these rooms.

Well, tell Judith bloody Chalmers that!

Mel, we'll see you up there. Thank you, love.

No, no, no. Hang on a minute. Where's the diving board?

If we've paid for a diving board, we should have one.

He don't speak any English.

How do you know he don't speak any English?

Because if he did he'd have answered you by now.

Now, come on!

- Come on, mam. - Can we get moving?

By God, that's a rough lot if ever I've seen one.

Look at the state of them. This place is going right down market.

JANICE: We're trying to. What do you think we're trying to do?

Geez, it stinks.

Oh, it's that family that were here last year.

- Is it? - Yeah. Don't you remember?

Their little lad did a number two in the pool.

Hiya. You all right?

Looks like he couldn't wait to get in the pool this time.

Leave your cases here. I will have them sent up.

- Room 203. -203. Brilliant.

- Muchos gracias. - De nada.

(BIRD CHIRPING)

It's a little rustic, but it has a certain charm, don't you think?

It's wonderful.

So I take it I'm forgiven for making you punch me in the face at Gatwick.

I didn't punch you, Martin. Don't exaggerate.

When you said we were flying to Alicante,

I just had a bit of a panic attack, that's all.

Here we are, well away from the horrors of Benidorm,

but practically the same price.

What can I say? You're a genius.

Martin, Katie, what a lovely surprise!

Hola!

You lot didn't mind me and Madge taking the two-bed apartment, did you?

No. we've always dreamed of living in a one-bedroomed flat.

Yeah, all five of us.

It's just that, naturally I want to be with Madge,

but I can't expect her to share a bed with me,

not until I've taken her up the aisle.

(LAUGHING) Apparently, it only hurts the first time.

All right, thank you.

Do you know, I've got five sunbed shops in...

Really? You should've mentioned it.

But, to be honest, nothing compares to the real thing.

Right. I think I'll have a dip.

Yeah. I might join you in a min...

- Jesus Christ! - Ugh! What is he wearing?

Are they supposed to go right up his crack

or is he just chewing cloth?

BOTH: Whoa!

Oh, my God! I'm not sitting next to him when he gets back.

Oh, my guts are doing somersaults.

Hey, so are mine now, thanks to your fella.

I'm sorry. There seems to be a double booking.

Well, could you give us another room, please?

- You can see my wife is very upset. - I'm not upset. I'm fine.

Can you just give us another room, please?

I'm sorry, the hotel is full it is fiesta.

There is, how you say, much excitement in Altea today.

Yes. I think we saw that.

I can offer you a larger room in our sister hotel

- Only a few minutes away. - Brilliant.

Yes. That would be wonderful.

- Thank you. - Welcome.

Cabrillo! Cabrillo!

There we go, sister hotel, panic over.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

- Martin! Katie! - Ah, I think we've missed them.

- Excuse me, sir, are you residents? - Uh no.

We've just been looking up an old friend.

He's very athletic. Can I call a taxi?

Would you mind? No español.

Hola!

Hola!

(MICK AND JANICE LAUGHING)

Will somebody tell me what's going on?

Pass us key up. I think he's done another one.

Da-da.

Does anyone want owt from upstairs?

Yeah, two gas masks and a pair of pants with an arse in them

for cheeky Charlie over there.

- Well? - It's Mel, he's wearing...

Oh God! Mum!

What is he wearing? What are you talking about?

Grandad's pants go right up his bum.

Hey, I've told you, he's not your grandad.

He's as good as. He's done more for them kids

in the three weeks I've known him than you ever have.

- Hey, I'm not having that. - Oh really? Do you think so?

Well, at least I don't go parading up and down in front of them

- wearing women's knick... - Hello Mel, how's the pool?

Bit cold, to be honest.

Yeah. I can see that.

Here you are, Mel Get yourself covered up. You'll catch your death.

What, in this heat? No.

Just gonna point Percy at the porcelain, then another dip before lunch.

Oh, mother, you're gonna have to have a word.

Who's Percy?

- No, I'm sorry. This can't be right. - Sí. Sister hotel

I told you, you wouldn't like it. Welcome to paradise.

Martin, Katie, we could've shared a cab after all.

- No matter, we'll get your bags. - I'll get four sunbeds.

I need to get in that pool I'm red raw.

See, what it is, your line of entry's all to cock.

-I noticed that from over there. - You're joking, arn't ya?

I'm on the reserve team for high diving for 2012.

2012, what's that? Your neck and shoe size?

No. 2012, the Olympics.

I've got a classic swimmer's build, I have.

Just out of season, you know, with me training.

I've lost me six-pack and everything.

Lost your six-pack? Lost your bloody mind, you mean.

You're honestly trying to tell me you're on a diving team.

Your body's meant to be straight when you enter the water.

That were a bellyflop.

Yeah. That's because I haven't got the height.

I'm a finely-tuned athlete. I can't work under amateur conditions.

- Do you want your inhaler, son? - No.

Here, watch me.

What about that thing that stops the water going up your nose?

Mam, will you sit down?

There you go.

You get yourself sat in the sun while Martin checks you in.

I must admit, we were surprised to see you back here.

If it were me who'd picked up that shite in the pool last year

I don't think I'd have come back.

Ooh, I can be a bit queasy about things like that.

- Can't I, Donald? - Very sensitive woman, my Jacqueline.

No. I take my hat off to you. There's not many people I know

can stand waist-high in water looking at a floating poo.

- Shows real depth of character. - Oh, yes.

Oh, and then there was all that bother

about you sleeping with the barman as well, wasn't there?

That's right.

Well, I say sleeping with him,

we heard it was only a quickie in the afternoon,

but you know how people gossip.

Are you okay?

- I feel slightly faint. - Oh, that'll be the heat.

Can we get you a drink?

They do a very good Harvey Floor Banger. Yeah.

- Is he all nice and changed? - Yeah. Do you want him?

Oh, come on. Come to your nana.

Ooh, ooh, don't you smell gorgeous now.

Make the most of it. It won't last long.

He's gonna be handsome bugger when he's older, isn't he?

- CHANTELLE: Of course, he is. - Yeah.

Like grandfather, like son.

Let's hope he gets your modesty an'all.

Michael, steady on with that burger. Nobody's gonna take it off you.

I'm hungry.

That fat lad's gonna have a coronary if he carries on diving in like that.

We'll all have one if we have to

look at your fancy man's saggy ass for much longer.

No, no. Rubbish. I told you, point of entry,

your body should be at right angles to the water. Watch me.

Well, I think if you've got an all-over tan,

you may as well show it off.

Come on then, Madge, flop 'em out.

(EXCLAIMS)

(SIGHS)

Mel?

Mel, are you all right?

Mel!

Oh my God. He's not coming back up.

- He's not coming back up! - What's wrong?

GEOFF: Well, he only went in. He's just not surfaced.

(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)

- What's going on? - He's not come up.

- MADGE: What is it? What's wrong? - He went in at that bloody angle.

It were him, showing off his diving.

You fat idiot, what were you playing at?

You've killed me husband before I've had chance to marry him!

- Mel? - It's all right. Is he all right?

- Mel! No! Mel! - There's no blood on him.

He's not conscious. Mick, he's not conscious.

JANICE: Do you think he's banged his head on bottom?

Have you got him, love? You've got him. Well done.

Oh my God! Somebody ring an ambulance.

I think he'll be all right. It's only his big toe.

Not for him, you silly cow.

Oh, what's happened to his skin? Is he all right?

- Look at the colour of it. - He always looks like that.

He's got five sunbed shops in Manchester.

- Mam! Mam, Michael's choking! - Oh my God! Michael!

Dear God, don't let him die. Don't let him die!

Up! Up! Up!

Mick! Mick!

- Do something. - Mickl

Dear God, please don't let him die! Don't let him die!

Hola!

Can I borrow your towel, please?

(SCREAMING)

Oh God!

Kate, it's okay. I'm coming.

Come on, push. Push!

You can do it. You can do it.

Jesus Christ!

And you didn't want to come back? Come on.

(PEOPLE CLAMOURING CONTINUES)

MARTIN: Kate! Kate! I'm coming!

(KATE YELLING)

MARTIN: Take that! MATEO: Hey!