Original subtitles

(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH OVER PA SYSTEM)

Do you know, I could just stay like this all day.

What do you mean, you could?

It's all you have done for the last three days.

Mind you, it is cracking. I'll give you that.

How come we've never gone abroad before?

Because me mother never offered to pay before.

Cheap now with all these low-cost airlines.

Cheaper to fly to Spain than it is to fly to Newcastle.

What do you want to go to Newcastle for?

- I don't. - What are you talking about, then?

I'm just saying, aren't I? It's cheaper to fly to Spain than it is to Newcastle.

Who do you know in Newcastle?

I don't know anybody in Newcastle. Bloody hell! I'm only saying.

- Why Newcastle? - Oh, Christ on a bike!

That woman were from Newcastle, weren't she?

- Eh? - That slag!

- What slag? - The one in the bar the other night!

The one you'd not met before, but mysteriously knew your name.

Oh, will you give it a rest?

We're supposed to be relaxing. We're on hollday!

Yeah, I know we are.

Just don't relax too much. I've got my eye on you.

Eh, excuse me, el hombre. Un poco breakfast, por favor.

- Oh. - Chill out.

It's ridiculous. Most of the people here are English.

You'd think they'd have a go at the language.

But if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

I'm from Birkenhead, mate. Plus this is a self-service buffet,

so tomorrow, if you get here before 10:30 when breakfast finishes,

you won't have to rely on the monkeys, will you?

Good job it is self-service,

you wouldn't want him gobbing on your meat.

Oh, I don't know.

Hello, love. Sorry to bother you.

- Hello there. - Well, hello. How are you?

I've been meaning to come over and apologise at some point.

Apologise?

Yes, I do believe I spat on you at breakfast.

Did you?

Yes. Totally unintentional, you understand.

I was at the buffet and I turned my head slightly

to split out a tiny bit of eggshell,

and, well, you were just outside my peripheral vision

- and I believe it landed in your hair. - Oh, well, we're on holiday, aren't we?

My philosophy exactly. I'm Donald and this is Jacqueline.

- I'm Madge. - Madge, lovely name.

Enjoying your holiday, Madge?

Oh, yes, lovely bit of sun. You don't get this in Manchester.

Is that where you're from, Manchester?

Well, not originally, but it's where we live now.

We used to travel down to Manchester.

We had a couple of musician friends, Keith and Eunice Piggott.

You might have heard of them, the Bluenotes?

No. Do you mean the Ink Spots?

No, no, the Bluenotes. Very big on the Belgian Jazz scene.

They were a lovely broad-minded couple, weren't they?

Oh, yes. We did a Lot of very good home movies with them.

Yes, very versatile couple. Now, that would be when, late '60s?

Oh, I was in my prime then, the Swinging Sixties.

Oh, right. Bit of a swinger, were you?

Oh, yes, 40 year ago. Mind you, I've not lost it.

I reckon once a swinger, always a swinger, don't you?

- Oh, yes. - Absolutely.

Oh, aye. I could kick me legs up with the best of them.

Don't think 'cause I'm in a chair I'm passed it.

No, I'm sure you're not.

We had a lovely couple from the Black Country

staying with us before we came away. She was 58, had a plastic hip,

but that didn't stop her going like the clappers, did it?

Oh, no.

Oh, well, you've got plenty to read. That's good here, isn't it?

I brought three magazines with me

and I've gone through them like a dose of salts.

Oh, here, take a couple.

I've got a stack of them in the apartment.

Oh, thanks, love.

I don't want you to think that's all I come over for.

Not at all. Plenty more where they came from.

Nancy Friday, Women on Top.

It's not one of them feminist jobs, is it?

I can't be doing with that.

Load of hairy lesbians trying to do their own plumbing.

No, it's more, um, well, a fantasy.

Oh, not that Lord of Your Rings rubbish. Someone in the pub give us that on DVD,

all you could see were people getting up to go to the toilet.

What is your mother doing talking to them?

I think she's gone to borrow a magazine.

What's wrong with the magazines she's got?

They're in Chinese.

What do you think is wrong with them? She's read them.

All right, I only asked.

Here we are, Alan Titmarch. It's a gardener, isn't it? I like him.

I'll have a look at this one if that's all right?

Yeah, go ahead. Oh, he's lovely, ain't he?

I'd let him dig my garden any day.

Perhaps you'd like to come up and have a good old rummage

through Jacqueline's Jilly Coopers? Loosen up.

Oh, aye. I might take you up on that.

Be nice to have a civilised conversation for a change.

I'm a widower, so I don't get much these days.

Oh, we can soon put that right, can't we?

Oh, yes.

Howdy. What are you playing?

- Scrabble. - Nice one. I like your style.

No, I mean, what are you playing, American rules, English?

- Spanish. - Cool, cool.

Yeah, there is a roll to it, but it's playable. Do you fancy a game?

If you like.

So, are you here with your family?

Yeah, I was gonna come on holiday by myself,

but then I remembered, I'm 16 and I've no money.

Do you want me to break?

Yeah. I remember when I had to go on holiday with my parents

when I was 16.

It's a bitch, innit? Stripes.

Who's that woman you've been sat with for the past three days?

Oh, that woman?

- She's me PA. - Your PA?

You know, personal assistant. She deals with all me day-to-day shit.

What? She wipes your arse?

No. You know, she takes care of all me day-to-day admin shit.

Phone calls and whatever.

I'm a professional pub quiz champion. Just breaking into television.

- Do you know what I mean? - No.

I'm avoiding William G Stewart at the moment.

Yeah. He's trying to get Fifteen to One back off the ground.

He wants me to set the questions.

I thought that woman was your mam.

My mam? That's funny. I'll tell her that, make her laugh.

Geoff, Geoff, I found some of those batteries

you were after for your headset.

I left them with your mum.

(CHANTELLE LAUGHING)

Ah, the wanderer returns.

Well, that's something I didn't expect. A civilised conversation in this place.

- Very nice couple. - What did you get, mam?

It's that Titmarch fella, the one who does the gardening.

- It's Titchmarsh. - Yeah.

Oh, lovely.

We'll have to get you strapped into your chair to read that one, Madge.

Apparently, Alan likes to give his money's worth

in the old sex, sex scenes.

Oh, don't be disgusting! It's Alan Titmarch off the telly.

Not everybody's like you, you know. Mind like a sewer.

I'll have to look at that after you, mam.

There's some Jllly Coopers in their apartment.

I'm off up there later to have a drink with them.

With a bit of luck they'll give me one.

There's no answer to that.

There we go.

- Martin, I can't drink a cocktail. - It's okay. It's non-alcoholic.

I really enjoyed last night.

- I had a little too much to drink. - You were fine.

Well, when I say you were fine,

you were pretty insatiable when we got back to the apartment.

Yes, I know. You said this morning.

You really can't remember?

No, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm not used to drinking that amount.

And I'm not used to you making that kind of noise in the bedroom, either!

(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.

I must admit,

the old soldier had nearly forgotten how to stand to attention.

- Martin, please! - Hey, relax. We're on holiday.

We're allowed to do things that are a little bit crazy.

Here I come!

Are you not having a burger, mam?

I've got one in my bag from yesterday. Waste not, want not.

Oh, mother!

Just pass us me T-shirt, will you, Michael?

What do you want your T-shirt for? It's bloody boiling.

Sweat keeps running down the crack of me arse.

Do you know, it's like being on a dream holiday with Hugh Grant.

Aye, and we all know what he got up to.

Got caught in his car with his trousers down, dirty bastard!

- Me dad looks nowt like Hugh Grant. - Thank you, my darling.

More like Russell Grant.

(ALL LAUGHING)

MICHAEL: Who's Russell Grant?

He's that guy off Celebrity Fit Club that looks like a gay toad.

That's it. Come here, you. Hey! Come here. Ah, you're going in.

- You going in? - Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Oh, no, no! Ah, no, no!

Okay, beautiful wine for two beautiful girls.

Hi there.

Do you like my nuts? Big beautiful nuts.

Hello? Hi, sorry to bother you.

I was just wondering if I could get another cocktail?

- Now, what do you recommend? - Hiya. Two Tequila Sunrises, please.

Oh, right.

Sorry, were you next? I thought you were being served.

No problem.

- How are you enjoying your holiday? - Yeah, it's okay. The sun's nice.

Absolutely. It's not exactly The Ritz,

but as you say, you can't fault the weather.

- Oh, yeah. - Martin Weedon.

- Sorry? - I'm Martin.

Oh, hi, I'm Troy. Nice to meet you.

I think I saw you the other day. You were with your friend.

Yeah. I'm here with my friend.

Sorry. That sounded slightly patronising.

No, not really. I think it's important

that someone's lover should be their friend.

Best friend, preferably.

- Yes. Yes, you're right. - Anything to eat?

- Hang on, I'll check. Gavin! - Hmm?

The barman says has he got anything you'd like to eat?

Stop being vile and bring me my drink.

-I guess he's not hungry. See you later. - Yeah, have a good one.

Right, can I have a Virgin...

TROY: What? I was just asking.

JANICE: Your friends are going.

I'll be up a bit later.

Hey, you've your feet right under the table with them, haven't you?

Very nice couple.

Mind you, you were right about this book.

- It's absolutely filthy. - Oh.

Stop it.

Why didn't you tell us you were gonna have a baby?

'Cause it's none of your business.

Nana said you're too fat to have a baby.

You know there's a monster in that pool, don't you?

Don't be a twat.

Well, it's not a monster.

They call it the fish baby and it lives in the bottom of the pool.

It's got scales and big teeth.

See, they tried to drown him in the pool when he was born

'cause they didn't want him, but he learned to live under the water.

Shut up.

Did you not feel him trying to pull you under

- when you were drowning in the pool? - Shut up! Mam, tell her to shut up, mam.

- What, what's she doing? - Tell her to shut upl

Can I have the key? I'm off back upstairs.

Well, we're all going in now. Come on. Mam.

All right, I'm coming.

JANICE: Oi, hold your horses, lady. Wait for us.

Dad, are you gay?

No, son. I just help them out on weekends when they're busy.

-I need you to send a fax to Channel 4. - A what?

And cancel that conference call with Television Centre.

- We haven't got a phone. -(WHISPERING) Shut up.

Sexbomb, sexbomb You're my sexbomb

I thought we were having food in our room.

- They've got a hypnotist on tonight. - Martin, no.

It's okay. I won't let them get you up on stage.

I'm not just your partner, you know. I'm your best friend as well.

Gonna do you no harm

Sexbomb, sexbomb You're my sexbomb

You can give it to me when I need to come along

Sexbomb, sexbomb

Hey, I love that dress on you, Jan. Talk about sexbomb!

- Where's me nana gone? - She's gone to borrow a book.

Oh, so that's what the young kids are calling it these days.

Will you pack it in?

You know they're into all that, don't you?

Know that who's into what?

That Scotch bloke and his wife, they're a pair of swingers.

They think your mother's gone up for a bit of a fumble with the curtains shut.

What part of your sick brain does all this rubbish come out of?

- I feel really ill. - Are you okay?

Yeah. I've got a sneaking suspicion that drinking nonstop for seven hours

might have summat to do with it.

I'm just gonna go up to the room for a minute.

- Do you want me to come with you? - No, you stay here. I won't be long.

I'm gonna get something appropriate from the medicine bag.

I didn't know we'd brought a stomach pump.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Madge, so glad you made it.

Thought for a minute you'd had cold feet.

Cold feet? No.

One of me daughters has got flat feet. She's been off work a year with them.

- What would you like to drink? - Oh, whatever's going.

Go through, go through. I think Jacqueline's started without us.

Well, where do you want me to put this book?

- Go through, go through. - Oh, right.

(BUZZING)

(MOANING)

- Jesus Christ! - Everything okay?

Let me out! Let me out of here!

Oh, dear. I think there's been a slight misunderstanding.

A slight misunderstanding? I should have known

when I read that mucky garden book. Bloody perverts!

- Oh, I'm so sorry, Madge. - Let me out!

JACQUELINE: I think we've been talking at cross-purposes. Oh, dear.

DONALD: So sorry, Madge.

You should be locked up, the pair of you!

I've never, never seen anything like it!

You can't knock a coconut down every time. Tea?

Oh, yes.

All the way from Newcastle, an old friend of Neptune's, Susy!

(MAN WHISTLING)

I believe in miracles

Where you from?

You sexy thing

- It's that woman. - What woman?

- The one from Newcastle. - Oh, yeah.

You sexy thing

You sexy thing? Is she taking the piss?

- What? - Come on.

She's singing at you.

- She isn't. - She is.

Where did you come from, angel?

She isn't!

Oi, you. Do something useful for once and get me a drink.

Large vodka and orange.

What's the matter, mam? Did they give you another book?

- I've never been so disgusted. - Well, what's wrong?

Perverts. Bloody perverts, both of them.

Sorry. We haven't even ordered yet.

But can we...

- I'm going out to get some aspirin. - I'll come with you.

No, you stay here. I'll be fine. Order me a baked potato.

Okay, baked potato. What filling?

- Anything. - Right.

Anything.

Giving it to me, yeah

I believe in miracles Where you from?

Is it the same woman?

Yes, it frigging well is and she's singing that song to Mick.

Well, I'd kick her arse into the middle of next week if it were me.

- Don't worry, I intend to. - Madge, I just wanted to say

I'm really terribly sorry about what happened.

We must have got our wires crossed at some point.

Wires crossed? I should sue.

I'm scarred for life after what I've seen.

Oh, we're terribly sorry. We misjudged the situation.

Disgusting perverts, the pair of you. You should be locked up.

We hope you won't be offended,

but we've bought you these cigarettes by way of an apology.

Would you accept them?

Oh, well well, I suppose it's a mistake anybody could make.

- Absolutely. No hard feelings? - No. No hard feelings.

Have a lovely evening.

What's going on?

Well, you weren't disgusted for very long, were you?

Very genuine people.

Oh, aye. Nothing to do with the 200 cigs, obviously.

I love the way you touch me, baby

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

- Thank you! - There we go!

Where's me dad gone? I thought he were getting some drinks.

I know where he's bloody well gone.

One can have a dream, baby

Two can make that dream so real

One can talk about being in love

Two can say how it really feels

(BOTTLE TINKLING)

(SHUSHING)

I'll give you fucking shush!

(MAN GIGGLING)

Get out here, you dirty bastard!

Oh, I'm sorry.

This is not what it looks like.

You forgot the key.

Oh.

It takes two, baby

To make a dream come true Just takes two

- Where's your mum? -I don't know.

About time.

It just takes two