All language subtitles for Benidorm s08e04.eng

Good morning, son.

Yes, Mother, it certainly is.

You got your fliptop back?

Laptop.
- That's it.

Got it back last night
after our games night.

Did that young lad manage
to fix it for you?

Yeah, I found out last night
I'd picked up a virus.

My inbox had been hacked to bits.

Oh, son, what have I told you
about going into that old town?

No, a computer virus.

Anyway, my name has been cleared

and I am in receipt
of a full apology.

Oh, that's nice.

An email from Barry Stent -
aka The Grand Wizard.

"Dear Mr Maltby. After careful
consideration of the facts..."

Blah, blah, blah, blah...

Here we go.

"..It is my very great pleasure
to clear you of all wrongdoing

"and reinstate you with
the Quiz Master title

"second only to The Grand Wizard.

"Congratulations, brother,
you are, once again...

"...The Oracle."

Oh, well done, son! I am pleased.

Justice has prevailed, Mother.

Smashing. Are you gonna have
a bit of breakfast?

You know when they asked Nelson
Mandela about his time in prison,

and he said, "I went on
a long holiday for 27 years"?

I think I know what he meant.

We're only booked in
till Friday, love.

No, what I mean, is...

Begging your pardon.

Oh, Pauline, love,
what is that smell?

Drain cleaner.

I had a slight contretemps
with the bidet this morning.

Mistook it for the lavatory.

In the long run, I think
you'll find Mr Wu's takeaway

is not the bargain the price
would initially suggest.

Pauline, are you feeling OK?

You look like you've gone
12 rounds with Frank Bruno.

12 rounds of tequila, more like.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I'm merely suffering
from a mild bout of hay fever.

Uh-uh.
- Hey, there is no self service for alcohol.

I beg your pardon?
- I seed you taking spirits!

The bar is not open
until after breakfast.

If you need alcohol
so early in the morning,

the supermarket is open
for the alcofrolics at 8am.

How dare you?

I have been by as a drone
for the last 18 months.

You have your warning!

Oh, Pauline, and you were
doing so well.

OK, I won't keep you long.

Crystal Hennessey-Vass,
in all her infinite wisdom,

has decided that wristbands
are a thing of the past.

So as of today,
we'll be rolling out a new system

of barcoded ID cards,
just like this one here.

So, is there anyone present who is
au fait with this latest technology?

What is a "fey"?

No idea.
- Anyone good with computers?

Do you want me to get on
the blower to Baby Jesus?

Do you remember?

It was him who showed me
how to use the hotel computer.

Um... how old is he again?

Nine.

I think not.
You can stay behind Les.

Let's hope
Baby Jesus taught you well.

Amber, you're on
posters and leaflets.

Of course. No problem.

The rest of you be sure to
explain the situation delicately.

Our guests do not like change.

We once tried to introduce
a fair-use policy on alcohol.

It was like the Brixton riots.

OK, vamoose!

Morning, campers!
- Late night, Kenneth?

No, it was a very early one.

After I woke up in Neptune's,

I went to The Intimate Bar in
the old town for some karaoke.

They worry if I don't give them my
Little White Bull once a week.

I was in bed by three.

So ready for a full day
in the salon?

New start after our little disagreement?
- Absolutely.

Well, you can't.
- What?

The Spanish workmen have let me down
and the salon isn't ready.

I told you!

The only deadline them Spanish
builders will work to is manana.

Because you know about
manana, it never comes.

Donald and I once knew a
Spanish builder like that.

I had to hire a wheelchair.

So, anyway, looks like you've
got another day off.

No, not me, love,
I'm like a coiled spring.

Why don't we put
the nail bar out here?

You what?
- Next to the pool?

I suggested it once to Liam,
but with his fair skin,

more than 20 minutes in the sun

and he ends up looking like
Carrie on prom night.

If I'm gonna do a full day's
work, I'd better bulk up on carbs.

More toast.

Do you have any idea how this game works, then?
- Not a clue, mate.

All I know is that
the prawns move sideways.

Right. Is she even looking?

Yeah, she's coming!

OK, do what I do.

Nice try, Joseph. Not this time,
though, my old friend.

Nice try, Joseph.
Not this time -

Not you, you dickhead!
Just answer me!

Sorry about that, Joseph. I thought
that strong opening would fox you.

Yeah, geez, I tried to jump
your prawn but you was, like,

"Boom! Take that, bitch!"

You'll have to wake up
pretty early in the morning

to sneak that manoeuvre past me,
old boy.

Yeah, bruv, you were, like, totally owning me.
I got to step my shit up, innit?

I think you could say that.

Hello, boys.

Oh, wow, you playing chess?
I love it.

Now, if I can just avoid your fox,

and get my horsey to eat
your prawn,

I think it might be time
to get the check, mate!

Here's a leaflet
about new ID cards.

If you need any help
reading it, let me know.

What, bruv?

Say sorry.

What?

Say sorry for last night!

I can't hear you.

He wants you to apologise
for last night.

Apologise for what?
Making a swift recovery?

I didn't realise good health
were a crime!

Good health? One minute
you're on death's door,

the next you're being thrown from a
bronco with a liver full of tequila.

Very good for cauterising
pain, alcohol.

Anyway, if I hadn't
gone on the bucking bronco,

I wouldn't have won these,
would I?

Champagne Brunch for two
at the Three Seasons.

You went on a bucking bronco?

Aye, and I won.

In fairness,
it were t'Over-65s category.

The only other one was
this old Spanish lass.

I tried to warn her against going on
a bucking bronco with colostomy bag

but she were having none of it.

What kind of bag, Granddad?

Well, basically,
it's a great big bag of sh...

Never mind, darling.

Anyway, I thought these might
be a way of making up for...

slightly exaggerating my illness.

Thanks, Dad, that's really kind.

No worries, kid.
Rob, Jodie - have a great time.

Dad!

I'm only messing with you!

Oh, come on, Sheron, love.

I'll look after t'kids.

I've just had my breakfast,
thank you.

Come on, it'll be nice.
Worth it just for the Champagne.

Go on, Mum, we'll be all right.

It's not all greasy bacon
and eggs like this place.

They do fruit and all that
diet stuff that you like.

Me mother's upset that you've
started drinking again.

What are you talking about?

This is pineapple juice.

Nature's candy!

You're smashed out of your head.
- How dare you?

It's merely the time of year,
my sinuses are blocked.

Give us that here.
- What are you doing?

It's not good for you.
- Get off, it's part of my five a day!

Look, just give it us here!
- You're spilling it!

Ah, perfect timing, my good man.

One more pineapple juice

and another portion
of your splendid nuts.

So, after you've checked their room
number and their passport,

you input their name here

and you take their photo
with this desk-mounted camera.

You see? Simple.

Easy, an idiot could do it.

Well, that was the general idea.

But make sure the photo
is exactly like this one.

No looking off to the side,

no cutting off the top of the head
or one of their numerous chins.

It must be framed
exactly like this one.

Understood.
- Marvellous, see you later.

Mrs Temple-Savage?
I can't do this now.

I'm due a few hours off.

I beg your pardon?
- You agreed to it last week.

For personal reasons.

Well, I'm sorry, Les,
but we're short-staffed as it is.

And I've got a meeting
with my financial advisor.

Anyway, it's not in the book.

I know, I asked you to put it
in the book

but you said, don't bother.

Really?

Yeah, I remember because you said
your mind is like a Thai prison -

once something goes in,
it never comes out.

No, I'm sorry, Les.
We're run off our feet.

Mrs Temple-Savage.
I wouldn't normally insist,

but I'm actually having
laser eye surgery.

The old peepers aren't what
they used to be, it's all booked in.

What's happened to you?

Just another day
in the bin of the loonies.

I'm sorry, Les, there's
nothing I can do.

The rules are there for a reason.

Without them we descend into chaos,
you must see that.

I can hardly see anything, that's
why I booked the appointment!

Hey, Mateo, have you got a minute?

What do you want?

Let me teach you to use this, quick.

Well, hey there!
- Well, hey there, yourself.

What can I get you?

I'd like one tequila sunrise.

Don't you think you're
a bit young for tequila?

Oh, it ain't for me.

I wanna surprise my granddaddy
with it, over there.

Excuse me, my dear,
when you have a moment,

can you pop a small large vodka
in there, will you? No ice.

Well, excuse me! You might have
noticed there is a line?

Oh, so sorry, madam.

Please. After you.

I'm sorry, darling,
but I can't serve you.

You're just too
itty-bitty small for alcohol.

I beg your pardon?
- Yeah, I'll serve you in just one second.

I am not talking about my drink,

I refer to your appalling,
bare-faced racism.

Racism?

Our diminutive American
cousin may be a dwarf

but that doesn't exclude her
from enjoying her holiday.

I ain't no dwarf!
- Sorry.

Of course. Midget.

Tell me, did you have
many relatives

in Willy Wonka And
The Chocolate Factory?

I ain't no dwarf or no
midget, I'm just a little person.

Exactly! You're a person.

And I will not stand by and
have you discriminated against

by Miss Tits & Teeth 1993 here.

You do realise
she's not actually a -

No, young lady,
it is you who doesn't realise.

Now,

two very small large vodka and
pineapples or I'll have your badge.

I'm Pauline, by the way.

Charmed. I'm Jodie.

So nice to meet a kindred spirit.

I don't know if you've noticed

but there is quite an odd element
in the local clientele.

Stupid is as stupid does.

Exactly. I couldn't have put
it better myself.

By the way, you're gonna need
to exchange your wristbands

for an ID card in reception,
if that's OK.

Oh, quit your jibber-jabber!

To coin an old Chaucerian saying,

lady, you're really
beginning to get on my tits.

Yes, please?

Please, take a seat.

Tell me, from which part
of the New World do you hail?

So, the main thing is to get
the photo exactly like this one.

OK, no problem.
So where are you going?

Did I not tell you?
I'm booked in for an operation.

Operation?
- Corrective surgery.

Really?
- Oh, yeah.

I've always wanted to get it done.

I can't go on like this.

Does Liam know you are doing this?

He was the one that suggested it.

Madre mia!

And you will be away
for a long time?

No, you're in and out these days.
I'll be back in a couple of hours.

How can this be?
- They use a laser.

A laser?

Aye, they're quick, painless.

Whoa!

Just like that
and your life changes forever.

Exactly.

1500 euros and I'll be seeing things
clearly for the first time in years.

So I'm all right to get off, then?

Of course. Anything you need,
I am here for you.

Ah, thanks pal.

You're a mate.

Goodbye, Les.

And tonight you will be Lesley,
yes?

I reckon so.

And I will love you
just as much, brother.

I mean, sister.

Aye, champion.

I'll see you later.

Now, that is a crime.

Excuse me?

A beautiful woman,
sitting all on her own,

with nothing but
the Spanish sun for company.

My friends are here, they're
just a bit busy at the moment.

Well, why don't I sit and keep
you company till they come back?

Oh...

Are you all right? I can leave
you in peace if you want.

No, I'm sorry.

It's just,
that was husband's sunbed.

Bloody hell, you could have said.

No, I meant, when we used to
come here together.

He recently passed away.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, love.

Still, I bet t'last thing
he'd want is for you to be lonely.

Yeah, you're right there.

I bet he's looking
down on you now,

seeing you with
a handsome fella next to you,

with a big smile on his face.

Yeah.

To be honest, that's what he
liked to do when he was alive.

Excuse me, guys.

Just need to ask you to make
your way to reception

at some point today for new
ID cards, if that's OK.

No problem, darling.

Hello? Shop?

One-and-a-half very thirsty
people over here.

When you have a moment,
obviously.

Are you absolutely sure she's drunk?

Mother, she's on the bar
doing the breaststroke.

I think she's just a bit
giddy about the hot weather.

Don't be fooled, Mother.

It may be sunny now
but there's a storm on its way.

And this one is the Bishop,
he can move any number of squares.

Like the Queen?

No, any number of squares diagonally...
- Like the Queen!

No.
- Let him finish, man!

Any number of squares diagonally
but he can't jump over other pieces.

So how come the King who is, like,
the King, can only move one space?

Is he, like, disabled?

Because, mate, if you ask me,
he's no better off than a prawn,

and that can't be right!

Hey, Jodie, you all right?

Yeah, can I get my nails done?
They said they'd do it for free.

But I have to ask me mum,
but she's not here.

I reckon so.
Is me Granddad looking after you?

Yeah, I've been talking to Pauline.

When you've had your nails done,
make sure you go back to Granddad.

All right.

OK, so how do you remember
which thing does what?

It's probably easier
if we have a game

and you can learn it
as you go along.

Nice one, bruv!

Do you want to play for money?

OK, next one, please,
keep it moving.

Oh, it's you.

Now, I would like one very small
large vodka and pineapple juice,

half a lager.
- Wait!

This is not a bar.

What do you mean, it's not a bar?

What the Dickens are all
these people queueing for?

No! No-o!

Give it back, I say!

Shut up, you crazy woman.
This is instead of your wristband.

Oh. I do beg your pardon.

What is your room number?
- Sorry?

What is your room number?

Just a moment!
I may have had one or two sherbets

but you won't find me easy pickings.

I just need your room number.

You're quite persistent,
aren't you?

Room 625.

Any time after midnight.

Cheers.
- Cheers.

See how thoughtful me Dad is?

He's just a bit eccentric.
He always has been.

Yeah, that's the word, eccentric.

I know he puts on a brave face but
this divorce has hit him hard.

Can you imagine starting
a new life when you're nearly 70?

He's not nearly 70, he's 66.

That's not far off.

It's very far off.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Just like 47 is miles away from...

The next big number.
You don't have to say it.

Hey, hey, don't be shy, you know
my feelings about being with a...

slightly more mature woman.

Do you want to drink the rest
of that champagne or wear it?

Right, let's finish this
then have a walk up the prom.

I wanna see about getting you one of
them mobility scooters. I'm joking!

Gracias.

Ooh, champagne!

Are we celebrating?

Yes, of course, Joyce.

We have to toast your new home.

Monty, I didn't mention it when I
left a message on your phone but...

...I didn't get it.

Oh.

I think they'll take the champagne
back if you haven't touched it.

Don't worry about that.

It came free with a voucher
I won a few nights ago.

That was clever of you.

Not really. I've still
got the bruises to prove it.

Bruises?
- Never mind.

Well, that was a bit of a waste,

me pulling all those strings
to get your mortgage increased.

Well, maybe not, I've also
come into a bit of money.

Oh, really?

15,000 euros.

15,000 euros?

Joyce, you're not back on
the scratchcards again?

No, of course not.
So, what I was thinking was,

with the 15,000
and the 150,000 mortgage,

I can afford one of your villas!

My villas?

Well, yeah, the um...

Where is it? The leaflet
you gave me a few weeks ago.

Oh. Oh, those.

We could go and see them.

I don't have to be back at
the Solana for a couple of hours.

Joyce, can I be frank with you?

Of course you can be frank.

These are not the sort of
houses that you sell to a friend.

Oh.
- And I do count you as a friend, Joyce.

So do I, Frank... Monty.

A friend I'd like to...
get to know more.

How much more?

It's been a slow burn
but I realised it this morning.

Every time we're about to meet,
the signs are all there.

The best tie comes
out of the drawer,

the careful trimming of
the moustache in the mirror,

an extra squirt of Hai Karate.

Extra squirt of what?

It's an aftershave.

Oh. So...

...you're asking me on a date?

That's right,
I'm asking you to go on a date.

My answer is yes, Monty, I'd
love to go on a date with you!

Wonderful!

Something I didn't mention
because I'm not one to gloat

but I am a Gold Card
holder for Mr Wu's Buffet

just off the Mediterraneo.

Well, we could meet at the
Solana and decide from there.

Yes, of course.

A woman of your breeding
deserves the very best.

A la carte at Mr Wu's.

Oh, yes.

Chips and rice tonight, Joyce,
chips and rice!

Hey, Mateo.
How's the ID card thing going?

Everything is under the control.

It is all about relegation.

You mean "delegation"?
- Is what I'm saying.

Another very small large vodka
and pineapple juice, if you please.

I do not understand, all of
this is just more work.

It's quite clever, it keeps track
of who's eating and drinking what.

Also means we don't have
to stock take, either.

If we're running low on something,
it just flashes up. Look.

Can I just borrow your card?

I may as well have a very small...

very small large Baileys
while you're at it.

I've developed quite a sweet tooth
today for some reason.

And now we press "enter"

and it should tell how us many
drinks the guest has had today.

Ooh... 842.

Skol!
- Well, that can't be right.

It says here,
she has had 842 drinks.

Don't forget,
I had quite a large breakfast.

Show me the card.

Why does her card have
a picture of Joyce on it?

This is correct, no?
- No.

Excuse me, can I just have
a look at your cards?

Mateo, they all have Joyce on them.

OK, listen, before Les went
for his sex change,

he say, "Mateo, print the cards
exactly like this one."

You can ask him when he gets back.

I mean, you can ask her
when she gets back.

Oh, my God.

You didn't know about his operation?

It was a shock for me too.

Then that were it,
40 years' marriage down the drain.

Oh, I am sorry.

Yes, I admit,
I was wrong to stray.

But a man has his needs,
if you don't mind me saying so.

Oh, no, you can say what you
like with me.

And then as Mary got older...

Well, just let's say
her appetite diminished.

And she didn't exactly
start off starving hungry.

I've always thought of sex
as a dinner party.

As long as
all the guests are invited,

you can go ahead and make
a right old pig of yourself.

Eddie, can I have a squirt
of your cream?

Oooh, I feel like a sausage
that hasn't been pricked!

You what?
- Me back.

I'm burning up!

Oh, aye.
Do you want me to do it for you?

Oh, yes!

Right, Jungle Red,
here we go.

Oh, my God, check the date
on that bottle.

I've never smelt a polish so strong.

I haven't opened it yet.

Eugh!
- Oh! Oh, my God!

I was thinking, Jodie.

Two young, single women
like ourselves,

maybe we should
hit the town later?

Well, I'm here with my mum,
so I would have to ask her.

Tell me, is your mother
a short person as well?

I mean, does it run in the family?
Like being ginger?

Keep your hands still, please.

The look we're going for is '50s glamour,
not like you've been gutting a rabbit.

My mum's really tall.

Say that again.

My mum's really tall.

Do you know, it's fascinating,

but you've slipped out of
your American accent.

Oddly enough, I was in South Africa
and picked up a twang there.

It's ebbed away the last few years,
thank God.

Do you know, at times I
sounded almost toffee-nosed.

Can you believe that?

Ah, perfect timing.

Same again for me and my little
friend here will have a Margarita.

For tonight, we hit the town!

I'm sorry, we're not serving
you any more.

I thought this was supposed
to be all-inclusive?

We're not serving you
any more alcohol.

Fine.

Then just two very large Margaritas
for my good friend Jodie.

She hasn't had half the alcohol
I've had.

I beg your pardon?

I assure you, this young lady's
been served no alcohol whatsoever.

I've been drinking all afternoon
with this splendid woman.

I can assure you she's been knocking
back vodkas like a Russian soldier.

What?

She can drink as well
as the next man,

as long as the next
man is Paul Gascoigne.

What is going on here?

Hiya, what was your
Champagne brunch like?

I'll "Champagne brunch" you
in a minute! Where's your Granddad?

Are you Jodie's mother?
She said you were very tall.

Who the frigging hell are you?

I'm Jodie's new drinking partner.

We've had quite the day,
haven't we, darling?

Oh, Pauline!

Come on, let's get you inside.

It's gonna be all right,
everything's gonna be all right.

Don't my nails look pretty, Mummy?

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you
for coming to this intervention

for my sister Pauline,
who's an alcoholic.

Not true!

Pauline, it's OK.
It's time to face your demons.

No, I mean I'm not your sister,
am I? Technically speaking.

Oh, right,
you're bringing that up now?

Come on, Pauline, love. Play nice.

We're trying to help you.

Not being funny, pal,
but what's this got to do with us?

An important part of the process
is Pauline apologising

to the people she's hurt.

So I'd like to ask Sheron if she'd
air some of her grievances, please?

Right, I'm going to try
and stay calm.

Basically, I go out for
two hours and I come back

to find my seven-year-old daughter
sitting with this lunatic

drinking vodka
through a curly straw.

In my defence, I did think
your daughter was a midget.

What?
- Sorry. I mean "little person".

Hang on, we've established Jodie
wasn't served alcohol at any time.

Yeah, don't you think you're
taking this a bit seriously?

Seriously?
Of course I'm taking it seriously!

I ask you to look after my child for one morning,
Eddie. Anything could have happened!

OK, folks, we're here for Pauline.

I'm not here for Pauline.

I'm here to find out what happened
to my daughter while I was away.

Having a Champagne brunch.
- Aha!

Now we're getting somewhere!
- What's that go to do with anything?

Let he who is without sin
cast the first stone!

You what? Listen you -
- Sheron, just sit down!

I think we're getting
a bit side-tracked.

Maybe we should try to speak
one at a time.

We'll use this as a talking stick.

Pauline, I think you should go first.

What's this?

We're using it as a talking stick.

No, I can't hear anything.

Oh, this is ridiculous!

Sorry to interrupt. I'm only here
to see who's paying for her nails.

I'm going. This woman has wasted
enough of my time already.

Sorry.

Right, who wants a beer?

We can't have alcohol, this
is supposed to be an intervention!

Mum?

Mum?

Sorry, love,
I was just resting my eyes.

They're ordering drinks from the bar!

Oh, right.

I'll have a sherry, please,
nice and dry.

OK, love.

Everything shipshape
and Bristol fashion?

Just another regular day.
- Very good.

Are all the ID cards working?

The ID cards have been distributed.

Wonderful.

I knew you'd be OK.

Amber, I've been speaking
to Head Office

about the possibility of
an assistant manager's position.

How does that sound?

Oh, wow! That sounds great!
Thank you.

I know you've only just joined us

but I like to think
that I have an eye for talent.

Chips and rice, Amber.

Chips and rice.

There we go, darling.

Snug as a bug in a rug.

Oh, Pauline,
we are worried about you, you know.

Big fuss over nothing.

It's OK to have a cool beer
with your lunch

and a glass of wine with your tea

and who doesn't like
a bloody Mary with breakfast?

But when you're getting through
a couple of bottles of mouthwash

to get you out of bed
in the morning,

you've gone too far.

But, Mummy, it makes my breath
so minty fresh.

I know it does, love.

And believe me,
I can be an absolute pig

with the eggnog at Christmas.

But I just think we need to get
you some professional help.

Whatever you say.

And try and be nicer to Geoff,
for my sake if nothing else.

I know he's not your real brother.

But he cares about you.

That's not true.

It is, love.

He cares about you so much.

No, I mean...

Regardless of parentage,
he'll always be my brother.

Come on, son.

I'm sorry but I don't see how
you have cause for complaint.

Don't you think you have a responsibility
not to serve so much alcohol to one person

they can't tell a
seven-year-old child from a midget?

Madam, this is Benidorm.

If we stopped serving alcohol
to everyone who was drunk,

my staff would be sitting
twiddling their thumbs all day.

You haven't heard the last of this.

Of course not, that would be madness.

I think we got away with that.

Maybe I should cancel my night off.

No!

I mean... why would you do that?

We've got everything
under control here.

Where's Les? I haven't seen him
since I got back.

We were a bit short-staffed
at the kids club today.

He's probably hanging up his
Dickie Donut costume as we speak.

And probably putting on another
equally ridiculous one after that.

Are you OK?

Going anywhere nice this evening?

Amber, I'm not stupid,
what are you trying to hide?

My darling Joyce...
- Oh, my God! When did he get here?

There comes a time,
in every man's life,

when he has to ask himself
what's really important.

And since I met you,
I find myself asking,

"Do I need a fast car,
a fancy apartment?

Do I need the flashy jewellery
and the expensive clothes?"

And the answer to
these questions is...

Yes, obviously.

But what's the point
in having them

if I've got nobody
to share them with?

Naturally, all those things can be
enjoyed by a single person.

Of course they can.
- Get on with it!

My point is this.

I've made
some wrong choices in my life

and I've not always liked
the person I've turned out to be.

But you, Joyce...
you make me feel brand new.

♪ My love

♪ I'll never find
the words, my love

♪ To tell you how I feel, my love

♪ Mere words

♪ Could not explain...

Looking forward to a nice
evening off, Miss Temple-Savage?

♪ Precious love

I hope this isn't gonna be
one of them dreary nights

full of people whining crappy
old love songs to each other.

Any more of this, I'll have to put
me name down for Sweet Caroline.

Oh, not Sweet Caroline!

I know, Jacqueline, awful song, but
look, we're at breaking point.

If someone doesn't give this crowd
a chorus they can sing along to,

the peasants will be revolting.

I mean, more revolting
than they are already.

They're not all revolting.

Oh, yeah? What's the score
with you and Captain Birdseye?

Oh, just a bit of flirting.

Makes the world go around.

138.50 euros.

Just shows, a little innovation
can go a long way.

For God's sake, calm down. It was
two plastic chairs and an umbrella.

It wouldn't exactly get them
jizzing on Dragon's Den.

♪ ..Back to me...

What's this?
- Your cut from the Pop-Up Nail Bar.

Jacqueline, as our sleeping partner,

I've sent a bottle of cava to your
room, I know you like a nightcap.

Ooh! Why don't we have
another one here

and then all go up and drink
a toast to Blow and Go?

Oh, there's a lovely view
of the cross from my balcony.

Now that's what I call
good business!

...and sometimes bends

♪ Without you

♪ Life has no meaning or rhyme

Hello?

♪ Like notes to a song
out of time...

I'm sorry, Crystal,
I can hardly hear you.

Yes, there is a terrible noise
this end.

♪ ...Having faith in me...

I'll call you from the office
in ten minutes.

♪ For God blessed me with you

How do you mean she doesn't know?

Every card has her face on it.

Look, the real responsible is here,
ask him yourself.

I mean, ask her yourself.

I'm sorry I was so long, I
kind of misjudged the recovery time.

Lesley, I can't believe you're back
on your feet so quickly

after such a major operation.

Oh, it's like a conveyor belt
up there in Villa Joiosa.

The doctor was telling me
he does about 20 patients a day.

And you have to go back for
them to do your voice, obviously.

Temple-Savage hasn't missed me,
has she?

No, we covered for you, but
we've still got to sort these out.

What's wrong? Oh, you didn't
mess them up, did you?

I told you to do them
exactly like that!

And he did.

What?
- It's all right.

Joyce has tonight off and she's
not in until tomorrow afternoon.

There's loads of blank cards left,
we can do them all again tomorrow.

Did you keep the receipt
for your sex change, Lesley?

I think they made one booby
bigger than the other.

Sex change? What are you
talking about, man?

I've had me eyes lasered.

Ya daft bugger.

I knew this operation
was for her eyes.

I mean, his eyes.
I'm not a complete idiot!

Really?

Which part's missing?

You made me feel brand new.

Forgive me, Joyce,
I couldn't help myself.

Monty, I said eight o'clock in the
text. I still haven't got changed.

Well, I can wait here.

I've got to make a phone call to make
too, I'll be at least 45 minutes.

I've waited so long,
what's another 45 minutes?

OK, if you want a drink, use this.

It's also my room key.

Come up in about an hour,

we'll have drinks on the balcony
before we go out, room 1501.

Perfect.

Chips and rice tonight, Monty.

Definitely chips and rice.

Whoa!

♪ I can see clearly
now the rain has gone

Look at them all,
staring and sneering.

As if they've never had a member of
the family do anything embarrassing.

Well, at least we know
she's safely tucked up in bed,

away from those prying eyes.

Oh, it's all my fault.

I knew we should have gone
to Center Parcs.

You can't blame yourself, Mam.

All them meetings, all that
willpower gone for nothing.

Well, she may have strayed
from the path

but I hope
she finds her way back again.

As Pauline herself has said,
many times,

it's a long, lonely
journey on the road to Domestos.

Damascus.

That's right, Crystal.

The new system was rolled out today
with no problems.

How many drinks?

Are you sure
that's from one person?

Well, yes, they should be
immediately blacklisted,

from all Solana group hotels.

Could you give me the ID number?
I'll track this hooligan down.

Although to be honest, I've got a
very good idea who the culprit is.

Yes.

0-0-3-8...

...1-1-4-2.

Here we go.

Erm... yes, I've found the culprit.

Yes, you're right.

Absolute menace to society.

They'll be thrown out on their ear.

OK. Good night.

Right!

Let's get one thing straight.

My sister is no different to
any one of you lot here.

I mean, look at yourselves,
whispering and nudging.

"Yeah, that's the family
with the pisshead."

But when you point
a finger at someone,

you've got three pointing
back at yourself.

Who can sit here and say
that they haven't got a relation

who's brought shame and
disappointment on their family?

Who can sit here and say they haven't
done the same thing themselves?

Isn't it about time
we looked at our mothers...

...our children...

...our brothers and sister...

...and started to love
them for who they are?

And not worry about
what they look like?

Or for how they choose
to live their life?

Or how they try and cope with
whatever life throws at them?

Because no matter how frustrating
or embarrassing they might be,

we can't give up on them.

Cos they're a part of us...

...a part of our family.

Hit it, Darren.

♪ We Are Family

♪ We are family

♪ I've got all my sisters and me

♪ We are family

♪ Come on, everybody, and sing

Come on!

♪ We are family

♪ I've got all my sisters and me

♪ We are family

So, all we ask from you
is a £5,000 deposit.

It really is too good a deal
to turn down.

Sorry, I don't know about 5,000.
I'd be hard pushed to raise 500.

I know the feeling.

A bottle of lager and
an orange juice, please.

Where did you get that from?
- A woman gave it to me.

When did she give it to you?
- Today.

It gets you into
the apartment as well.

But you're about 12!

I'm 20, mate, 21 in September.

Or is it October?

Do you intend on going up to
the apartment this evening?

Absolutely! I'll be sleeping
there tonight.

What?
- Yeah.

They don't call it
all-inclusive for nothing!

Bloody hell!

Same again, Jacqueline?

Oh, thanks, Lesley, just one more.

Then I've got a date upstairs

with a bottle of bubbly
and a couple of friends!

Hola!

Sod this for a game of soldiers.

Monty?

Monty! I'm sorry,
we've got a bit of a crisis.

No, Joyce, I'm sorry.

I refuse to be just another
notch on your bedpost.

I beg your pardon?

It's typical, the one time
I put my feelings out there

for everyone to see,
I get hurt and humiliated.

What are you talking about?

I thought you were coming up
to have drinks on my balcony?

From what I've seen, there
might not be any room for me!

I'd get a turnstile fitted,
if I were you.

Monty? Monty!

♪ We are family

♪ Get up, everybody, and sing!

Love you, Pauline!

Sleep tight, sister!

♪ So make a stand for your man, honey

♪ Try to can the can

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