All language subtitles for Benidorm s07e02.eng

Ugh.

Ugh.

Tiger?

It's your dad.

I slept in. Uh, I'll see you downstairs.

Don't come to the room,

there's been an accident.

Erm...

I mean, just a spillage.

I'll see you down by the pool.

Hello, darlin'?
I think you'd better wake up.

They wanna clean the room
and I'm leaving today, so...

Ahhh!

What's wrong with you?

- I thought you were...
- You thought I was what?

Why are you dressed like that?
Have you lost your mind?

Why are you dressed like that?

Oh, my God!

You forgot about everything
and you thought you'd scored!

Shut up! Look at the state of ya.

Don't you remember
the fancy-dress party we crashed?

No, I don't.

Why didn't you sleep in your own room?

Couldn't find my key.

I must have left it in me handbag.
Come here, give me a kiss.

Get out of it.

- Go down and get another key.
- All right.

- See ya downstairs.
- Yeah, right.

How!

Get out of it!

What are you both doing in here?

Well, I'm riding a bike
and she's baking a cake.

Janice, he knows what I mean, tell him.

Tell him what?
I don't know what you're on about.

Buck A. Roo.

No thanks, but I'll have a game of
underwater Twister if you go first.

Mr Roo said to meet him
in Reception at 11:00.

It's only 10:30.

Oh, come on. Put on a pair of
long trousers and get a shave.

Do you mind?
That's my wife you're talking to.

Just calm down, Mother,
he can come up here and talk to us.

You're gonna show me up,
I knew you would.

This man's come all
the way from America.

So a walk in here from Reception
won't seem that long a journey.

Leave him a message to meet us here.

I will. And when he tells us
us all about this inheritance

you lot can go whistle for it.

There is no inheritance.
When will you listen?

- It's all a scam.
- How could it be a scam?

You met him for yourself last night.

He's a top American lawyer.

I met him for 30 seconds.
He could be a dustman from Wigan.

He's got an American accent.

Yeah, so did my Uncle Wally.

He also kept ferrets down his trousers
and used to bark at traffic.

Sod the pair of ya!

Hey, hang on!

I've said nothing. Mother!

Ugh!

Oh! Why'd you have to wind her up?

What else is there to do? Hmm?

It's not actually a smokin' room
and there's no balcony.

If you just hang
your head out the window

and make sure that your
tab ends don't fall in the pool,

everything will be hunky-dory.

Uh, Lesley.

This booking for two nights,
Mr Buck A. Roo.

He arrived late last night.
You didn't check him in, did you?

No. Why?

You don't think
there's something slightly odd?

- How do you mean?
- Well, the name!

Mr Buck A. Roo, Buckaroo!

What sort of name is that?

Well, it is unusual, but I've got an
Irish auntie and she's called

Patty O'Dors. Heh-heh-heh.

I mean, it's just the luck of the draw,
isn't it?

And look under Notes.

"Will not be staying second night,
room is to freshen up only."

Now, that is strange.
Why pay for an extra night

when you can just have a leak
and a promise in the bogs.

Well, I wasn't going to put it
quite like that but yes, exactly.

Uh, excuse me, can I get a
replacement key for Room 601, please?

No prob.

And do something about your hair.

Cheeky cow!

There's nothing wrong with my hair
young 'un, is there?

Uh, it's better than mine, mate.

"Who said, 'The woman who can look

"'inside herself has true beauty?"'

Sticky Vicky!

Jacqueline, I feel I owe
you an apology.

- Apology?
- Yes, my conduct last night.

I feel the need to clear the air.

Do you want a drink?

I'm just on the day wine,
'cause it's only early.

No, no, I need a clear head.

Plus it's only ten to eleven.

Do you mind if we go inside?

I find the sun quite bothersome.

Oh, I was just starting to get a tan.

If you don't mind.

I'll get my things together.

I'll see you in Reception.

Oh, just five more minutes.

I'm getting a very strong sense

of a woman in a past life.

- With the letter "B".
- Sue.

How many times have I told you,
I'm not into all that stuff.

A very tall, overpowering
woman with, with big hair

and a cleavage that could stop traffic.

No.

Oh, she's trying so hard
to come through, she's saying,

"It's time for you

"to sort out those photos

"in that shoebox covered in wallpaper."

I don't know any tall, dead women
with big hair and even bigger cleavage,

and I don't have any
photos in a shoebox.

Now, what do you think of them nails?

Oh, they're lovely!

Can I pay at the end of the week?

As usual.

Now, think about what I said.

It might come to you.

The great Psychic Sue is never wrong.

Thanks, Sue.

See you at the end of the week.

- See you, Kenneth.
- See you, love.

Honestly! Can you believe some people
are actually taken in by that rubbish?

That woman she was describing,
it's me mother, Brenda.

The letter "B".

Oh, it's probably just a lucky guess.

- What about the photies?
- Well, that's even easier.

She was sitting there,
watching you lookin' at your photos.

Oh, yeah?

How do you explain this, then?

Oh!

Oh!

So what we really need,
you know, is somewhere private,

where we can talk to this fella.

Maybe you should go to Rag Time.

It is quiet in the morning.

I said, somewhere private.

Don't you have, you know,
like conference rooms and that?

People do not come
here to make business.

They come to get drunk, eat too much

and burn their piggy skin
in the Spanish sun.

He's come all the way from America.

We can't sit him in some grotty bar with

that twat on the piano
playing The Birdie Dance.

Right! Come on, it's nearly 11:00.

We best not keep him waiting.

Yeah, and when we've
realised all this is just a con,

I can get back on me sunbed

and that dwarf and his 10-gallon hat
can piss off back to where he came from.

Good mornin', y'all!

I hope you slept well. I know I did.

Mornin'. I wasn't
talking about you. I...

Oh, that's quite all right, sir,
I understand.

You were merely concerned
for Mrs Harvey's welfare.

Well, not really.

Oh, please, do call me Madge.

It's just quite an unusual situation.

Well, indeed it is, and I have
quite a story to tell you.

Yeah, I bet you do.

Young man! Psst, psst.

We would like a pitcher of lemonade

and some olives on
that table over there.

Thank you!

Madge, or should I say Mrs Mel Harvey.

If you would like to lead the way?

Yes.

Let's start at the very beginning.

A very good place to start.

Shut up!

I am, as you already know,
Mr Buck A. Roo,

one of the leading probate attorneys
in the entire state of California.

Even if I say so myself.

What's a prostate attorney?

Probate.

My business is concerned with

administering the
estates of the deceased.

I don't know what that means.

Works for dead people.

Bit like Mr Meaker off Rentaghost,
but with a bigger hat.

This is for you, if any of you
want a drink, let me know.

What... What... What is this?

It is what you asked for.
"A picture of lemonade."

No a "pitcher". A pitcher of lemonade.

This is a picture of lemonade.

No, a pitcher, a decanter,
a carafe, a jug.

Young man, if this is
your idea of a joke,

I'm afraid that sun is
way too high in the sky

for messing with your betters.

What is he talking about?

We'll have the same again
and he'll have a glass of lemonade.

He ask if I make a joke,

and he's the one in fancy dress?

As I was saying, one of my
specialised lines of work is

finding those entitled to
the estates of their distant relatives.

It has taken me a long time
to find you, Mrs Harvey.

But as I said in my letter to you,

I have some very good news.

So, you don't want this?

Will you just go away!

Okay, okay.

Ugh!

I do apologise.

I've travelled over 6,000 miles
in the last 24 hours.

I have taken so many uppers
to stay awake.

I was practically high-kicking my
way through passport control.

I'll get them drinks.

Hey, I'll take them, thanks, pal.

What is wrong with this crazy man?

I don't know,
that's what we're trying to find out.

Why does he wear this hat?

He's a VPL?

He says he's flown halfway around
the world to tell my mother-in-law

she's about to inherit a fortune.

And this is true?

Yeah, and I'm Lord Lucan.

There he is, that's him.
The one that looks like Boss Fogg

from The Dukes of Hazzard.
Heh-heh-heh.

I wonder what he's doing here.

Mateo, what's going on over there?

The VPL has come to give
the family lots of money.

Oh, and he's made one of them a "Lord".

What can I tell you?
These are crazy times.

Oh, that's woke me up.

Bit fresh, is it?

It's lovely once you're in.

Wish I had a euro for
every time I'd said that.

- Eh?
- Nothing.

Why don't you give Mum a ring?

Dad?

You just don't get it, do you, son?

What?

Look, Tiger, I know it's
not a nice thing to hear,

but your mum and I,
it's more than just a row.

I think this might be the
end of the road for us.

Don't be ridiculous.
You're just as stubborn as each other.

This break will do you both good.

So you accept that
we're not together, then?

We're on a bit of a break.

Yeah, I just said that.
I think it's a good thing.

Well, what if,

whilst your mum and I
was on this break,

some dolly-bird came along
and tried to chat me up.

What do I do then?

Yeah, right!

Well, thanks, son.

That's done my
confidence no end of good.

It was Mel's great-great-grandfather
Ebenezer Harvey,

who made his fortune in the
California Gold Rush of 1848.

He kept most his money
in his wife's name, Elvira.

He was obviously a brave man.

I take it you're not married.

Oh, my dear,
I've been married six times.

I'm beginning to think
I'm addicted to wedding cake.

Hang on, Mel's name's
not on this family tree.

Precisely. Miss Garvey,

I've been like a
catfish in a cul de sac,

if you'll pardon me mixing my metaphors.

It has taken me a long time,
a very long time indeed,

to realise that Mel is the missing link.

Now, hang on a minute.

He might not have won any beauty prizes,
but that's a bit strong.

Look, the bloodline ends

with Calvin "Lucky" Harvey,

who died in 1947.
What isn't recorded is Melvin.

His son, who he fathered out of wedlock

when he was an American soldier
in England during World War II.

So Mel was a bastard?

I said that for years.

Shut up! This is interesting.
Unlike you.

Now, Calvin made some very
bad investments in his time,

culminating in spending
the last of his inheritance

on five acres of worthless desert land.

He then died in 1947
at the tender age of 29

from a single bite
from a Mexican sidewinder.

29, that's no age at all.

Now, I know what you all are wondering.

What's a Mexican sidewinder?

I take that back.

I did not know what you were wondering.
It's a type of rattlesnake.

If this desert land was worthless,

then why have you flown
from America to England

and then England to Spain in the
last 24 hours trying to find Madge?

On the button.
But the key word, Mr Garvey, is "was".

The desert land Calvin bought
was worthless when he bought it.

But the name of that desert means
a lot more now than it did then.

Las Vegas!

Oh, did you hear that, Mother?

You own five acres of land in Las Vegas.

Five acres upon which
a luxury hotel has been built.

Bloody hell, what are we doing
sitting here?

Well, now, hold your horses.

Mr Garvey, let's not let the wind blow
too much up our petticoats.

We're not talking The Bellagio
or Caesars Palace.

Plus, Madge does not own the hotel,
only the land that it's built upon.

But that's still good, isn't it?

Very good. It's a small hotel by

Vegas standards, but I would estimate,

conservative, ball-park figure?

$30 million.

No. None of this is right.

What do you mean, it's not right?
Course it's right.

Janice, tell her it's right.

Mel's father was called Clarence.

He died in 1944 during
the Normandy landings.

Clarence was not
Melvin's biological father.

Eh?

Mel changed his name by
deed poll in the '60s to Harvey.

Oh!

Makes me think that he
knew more about this story

than he was letting on,
even though he never spoke about it.

If it was a Mexican rattlesnake,

what was it doing in America?

I am going to leave y'all
with some papers to read.

I have to make a few phone calls.

I realise this is an awful lot of
information for y'all to take in,

but there is no time like the present.

I shall return a little later
with a proposed

plan of action. Ladies.

Sir.

I'll see y'all presently.

So do you still think
it's all a big con?

$30 million?

Can't be right.

Actually, Mexico's
quite near to America,

so maybe it was just lost.

You still banging on about
that bloody snake?

What do you think, Mam?

What, about the snake?

No, about all this.

I don't know what to make of it.

I don't know what to make of any of it.

Hola!

Is there anything I can get for you?

Drinks? High-quality nibbles?

Maybe a British newspaper?

Sorry about that,
I must have nodded off.

Glynn?

Glynn, are you all right?

How long have I been here?

Oh, about...

Three hours! Sorry!

Them three glasses of wine
knocked me flat out.

Did you fall asleep as well?

- No, I've been chanting.
- Oh.

- I'm a semi-practising Buddhist.
- Semi?

Yes, I don't know that
much about the religion

but I do enjoy the chanting.

Shall I get us a drink?

No. Please, Jacqueline,
sit down, would you?

I want to lay my cards
directly on the table.

My wife, Riannon,
has always been very... popular.

Oh, that's good.

No, it isn't good.
I don't mean in the social sense.

I mean, well, she's a loose woman.

I think Donald mentioned something
about her being able to do the splits.

No, I don't mean... Did he?

What I mean to say is, we've had our
problems in the past with her...

...wandering eye.

You mean like a lazy eye?

No! I mean she puts it about.

Oh, I see!

And, well,
I've always turned a blind eye.

To her wandering eye.

Yes. But it started
to get out of control,

so I thought, why not
put it out there, in the open.

For everyone to have a go on it.

Yes. No! I mean the subject.

So I suggested the swinging thing
and she almost bit my hand off.

Then we answered your advert
for the wife-swap.

And here we are.

But if you weren't sure
about the wife-swap,

why did you suggest
doing it on holiday?

Riannon and I live in a
very small town in South Wales,

where you can't fart without it
getting into the local press,

if you pardon my French.

Glynn, I just need to know
what you want to do.

I think my point is, I've made my bed

now I must lie in it.
I'm here for a week,

I'm just going to grit
my teeth and ride it out.

Donald once said something similar.

I'm pretty sure once Riannon
has got this out of her system

we can go back to being a normal,
happily married couple.

But for me, I prefer our relationship

to be purely platonic.

Well, I knew that.

- Did you?
- Of course.

- And you don't mind?
- Why should I?

To be honest, I'm not that fussy
when it comes to men or women.

But I must admit, I do like a bit more

meat on the bone.

No offence.

Now, talking of meat,
I think it's time for a burger.

I'm vegetarian.

Oh, you'll be all right.

I think they do them
with cheese as well.

See ya out there.

Then the little guy in the hat tell them
they are worth $3 million.

That can't be right.

I thought he said 30 million.

That's ridiculous.

There you are. Come on you,
that's your lunch hour finished.

I've got another 10 minutes.

Anyway, since when were you
in a rush to get to work?

Since I rang Psychic Sue and organised
a s�ance at Blow & Go tonight.

- You're joking.
- What is s�ance?

It's where you all sit
in a darkened room,

join hands and try and contact the dead.

Why do you do this?

There are enough people
here who are nearly dead.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

You can talk to them anytime.

- Come on!
- All right, I'm coming.

8:00, Blow & Go.

What about this, then?

Half price tickets to Paralysis.

What the hell is Paralysis?

It's one of them big clubs
out on the motorway.

Dad, you're in your 50s.

All right, keep it down.

I thought you might enjoy it.

It don't open till
3:00 in the morning.

No, that must be a printing mistake.

Dad, clubs like this open at
3:00 a.m. And close at midday.

Really?

What's all that about, then?

And the only tunes they play is
what you always call "drug music".

Well, I thought it might make a change
from what you get in the club here.

Engelbert Humperdinck and that lot.

True.

So you wanna go to Paralysis, then?

I'll give Mikey a shout.

We could both meet you at
Reception at say, what, 5:00 a. M?

Well, we don't want to be
the first there, do we?

No, I think I'll give
Paralysis a miss tonight.

We'll do the Benidorm usual.

Paralytic.

Nice one.

Is there anybody there?

Knock once for yes,

or twice for no.

Jesus Christ!

What the hell are you playing at?
I nearly shat meself then.

Have you had a power cut?
'Cause we're okay out here.

No! What do you want?

What's going on?

- Nothing.
- Then why are your lights off?

Oh! Come in, then.

I am having a s�ance.

- A s�ance?
- Yeah.

- What, here?
- Yeah.

- When?
- Tonight.

Who are you trying to contact?

Never you mind, you nosy git.

Now look,

I could give you permission
for this foray into the occult

on one condition.

I don't need your permission.
Go on, piss off!

No...

- I think you might need me.
- What?

I've been used as a tool before.

Oh, why doesn't that surprise me? Out!

Listen!

My father was a psychic medium.

But he could only contact the
spirit world if I was in the room.

You're not making any sense.

Let's just say,

the afterlife is Channel 5,

the psychic is the television...

But I'm the antenna.

How much have you had to drink today?

Nothing!

Well, apart from a couple with me lunch.

Just go, will ya.

Psst, if you wanna come to the s�ance,

be here tonight at 8:00.

Yes, no problem, I'll be here.

What the frig's Channel 5
got to do with anything?

- Pardon me.
- Oh, I beg your pardon.

It's um, Mr LaRoo isn't it?

My name is Roo, no "La".

Roo-no-la.

No, my surname is Roo,

but you can call me Buck.

Oh, how kind. I'm Joyce.

Well, good day to you, Joyce.

Do let me know if
I can be of any assistance

in whatever it is you're doing here.

I mean, I don't mean
that in a prying way. I just...

No, no. Thank you. Thank you.
You've been a most gracious host.

I mean, it's really none of our
business what you're doing here.

Well, in that we are agreed.

Suffice it to say, if you do feel
the need to include someone as,

oh, I don't know, erm,
an independent witness to legal matters?

Please feel free to
call upon my services.

My dear Joyce,
I have an old Tennessee saying

that I would like to share with you.

How wonderful!

"The mountain air smells much sweeter

"when you keep your nose
out of other people's poop."

Right. Shall I tell him?

No, I'll do it.

I do apologise for needing
that untimely repose,

but I've been flying all over Europe

like a fish crow with
four sets of wings.

I'm not signing anything.

Mrs Harvey, I understand
your apprehension,

but do you really think
I would have travelled

halfway across the world to find you,

if it was all humbug and
I was some kind of flim-flammer?

I'm sorry, love, just my mother's
been through all this before,

and in Benidorm as well.

She nearly married this fella who said
he had money belonging to Mel so,

well, she don't want to go
through it all again, do you, Mam?

No, I bloody well don't.

Well, as handsome
a woman as you are, Miss Harvey,

and although I have indeed
been won over by your

not inconsiderable charms,

I wasn't thinking of asking you
to jump the broomstick just yet.

My dear friends,
I can understand your misgivings.

This is for sure one crazy old tale.

But I do have a solution.

How many days of your vacation
do you have remaining?

We've just got here.

Why?

Let's all go to Vegas.

Oh, my God, yeah!

You what?

Let's all go to Vegas
and see what's due to y'all.

Go to Las Vegas, when?

Well I took the liberty
of checking flights,

we could leave for London tonight.

Fly to Vegas in the morning,
first-class.

All at my expense, naturally.

Oh Nana, please, I've
always wanted to go to Vegas.

All right, that's enough.

Now look, I don't know who
you are or what you want

but this woman's been through enough.

And she don't need you messing
her around with stories of

million pound fortunes, trips to
Las Vegas and all that bollocks. Just...

Just leave us alone.

Mr Garvey, I can assure you...

Just leave us to
get on with our holiday.

Okay, I understand this is

an awfully big adventure
and a lot to take in.

If you change your minds,
you got my number.

Yeah, we've got your number, all right.

"Hasta luego"as they
say around these parts.

Excuse me, ma'am,

can you order me a cab?

Nae problem.

Brilliant! The one chance we get to do
something interesting, you say no.

Right! I think
we could all do with a drink.

Hmm. Mam?

Mam?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Now, you know not to give her
any information, don't you?

She already knows our address,
she's a regular.

I don't mean that.
I mean any information

that she could use to pretend

that she's in touch
with the spirit world.

There's a lot of charlatans out there.

It's all rubbish, I've told him.

Not entirely.

I once helped my father
get in touch with an Egyptian queen.

Well, times have moved on. We have
Grindr for things like that now.

Wait! I can sense a knocking sound.

I think somebody's
trying to get in touch.

We all sensed it, you daft cow,
it's Sue. Let her in, Liam.

There's a very heavy presence

hanging in the air.

Yeah, sorry about that.
Liam had a kebab for his dinner.

I told you to eat that outside.

Ohh! The vibrations are strong.

They're very strong already.

I've never sensed such an atmosphere

so heavy with the afterlife.

I told you, that'll be me.

Shut up, you! Come and sit down, Sue.

Ohh!

Ohh!

You all right, love?

Did you jog here?

Kenneth,

Kenneth, there's someone
trying to come through already.

I have to mention, I do make a
small charge for my services.

- Oh, here we go.
- Zip it, you!

Of course, Sue. I entirely understand.

- 50 euros.
- 50 euros?

You taking the piss? Who have you got
coming through, Ronnie Biggs?

True psychic ability does require
some form of recompense.

My father's chakra was once
penetrated by Genghis Khan.

He was laid up for days.

We'll sort the money out at the end.
Can we just get on with it, please?

Yes, well, as long as you don't forget.

Aahh!

I don't suppose I could
have a large brandy, could I?

That's all she's come for,
to scam you for money and a free bar.

Liam! Where's your manners?

Joyce, do you think we could have a...

Joyce?

- Joyce!
- Whoo!

Who is it? Did somebody come through?

- She wants a brandy.
- Oh! Yes, of course.

- I'll have one, too.
- Four brandies.

Don't like brandy.

I never asked you what you want.
Two are for me.

Ohh! Ohh!

- Psst.
- Uhh!

Psst!

Do excuse me for just a moment, Sue.

Go.

What do you want?

I'm telling you, she's only here
for what she can get out of ya.

She's about psychic as I am.

This is a gifted woman,

whose only interest is to reunite people
with their dear departed relatives.

Now, do as you're told.

Ooh!

- Ahh!
- I'm sorry about that, Sue.

He won't be a minute.

Ahh, ohh...

I'm quite peckish.

I don't suppose you've got
anything to eat, have you?

? Good morning, miss
Can I help you, son?

? Sixteen today
And up for fun

? I'm a big boy now
Or so they say

? So if you'll serve me
I'll be on my way

? Box of balloons
With the feather-light touch...

I've not seen sight nor sound
of his wife, have you?

What do you think's gone on?

- Mick?
- I don't know, do I?

Ask our Michael.

What do you reckon, Mam?
Do you think they've split up?

Mam?

Well, I don't know.

Hey, Michael, what's going on with them?

Why ain't his wife here?

Have you not spoken to your mate?

- Yeah.
- Well?

Well, that's their business.

You wouldn't like it if everyone was
gossiping about you behind your back.

Fat chance of that.
I've got nothing to gossip about.

? I'm up to date
Gotta date today

? So if you'll serve me
I'll be on my way

? Welcome to the house of fun
Now I've come of age... ?

- Same one again?
- Yes, thanks, love.

The big man with the red face,
he's not with you tonight?

Me husband? No, he's gone off
with a woman from Merthyr Tydfil.

Okay, I'm sorry to hear this.

Do you want to sit
at the singles table?

No, the woman who my
husband is staying with,

well, her husband is staying with me.

- I'm sorry I asked.
- Yeah.

I'm starting to feel the same way.

Do you fancy giving us a song, Madge?

Yeah, put me down for
What Kind of Fool Am I?

Sammy Davis Jr.

Well, you've got the look
but have you got the voice?

- Mick!
- I'm only trying to lighten the mood.

Oh, what's that one Mel used to like?

Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

Mother, why are you being like this?
You've done a good thing.

You were about to be ripped off,
we saw it coming and put a stop to it.

And I'll tell you why.

Because all the time
I felt Mel's presence.

I actually felt him guiding me,

telling me what to do.

- I bet I know what was saying.
- Go on.

"Don't let the short arse bastard pull
the wool over your eyes, princess,

"we've been done like this before."

Is that supposed to be
an impression of Mel?

- Yeah.
- Just sounded like you were constipated.

Yes, that's exactly
what he's been saying.

Thanks, son. I'll drink to that.

Here's to Mel.

To Mel.

Let's have a look here.

I think I will do a song, Janice.

Yep, fire away.

Uh, I Lost My Heart...

In San Francisco.

No.

To a Starship Trooper.

It was one of Mel's favourites.

I shall look forward to that.

Uh, same again please, son.

Ohhh! Ahhh!

Mother?

Is that you, Mother?

You're not making any sense.

Ahhh!

You need to stop.

Need to stop him.

Need to stop who?

I was wrong, princess.

You need to go with him.

You need to get the money.

Las Vegas, princess!

You must go

to Las Vegas!

- What money?
- Ahhh!

- Ahhh!
- Who are you?

Oh, just piss off,
I wanna speak to me mother!

Oh, my God, she's dead!

She isn't dead,
she's just exhausted.

I remember my father
was occupied by Liberace

for three hours in the late '80s.

He was like a wet rag by the end of it.

Well, he would be.

Oh!

Oh, that's it.

Oh, I can't do any more.

What do you mean, that's it?

Did you get to speak to your mother?

No, I bloody well didn't.

Who came through, then? Whoever it was,
they were very persistent.

We've no idea, you were just sat there
banging on about Las Vegas.

Las Vegas? Well,

was your mother born in Las Vegas?

Yeah, of course, oh, she's probably
trying to get in touch

with me brothers Siegfried and Roy.

- Really?
- No, not really, you daft cow.

Oh, what a waste of time.

Oh well, I'm going to
have to go home now

because, you know,
I am absolutely shattered.

Oh, brilliant!

I usually charge 50 euros for a session

but as you've only really
had half a session,

I'm willing to come down to 25.

25 euros?
You're having a laugh, aren't you?

You drank that much in brandy.

And high-quality nibbles.

Do you mean you are not going to pay me?

For what? A few gurgles and the worst
Elvis impression this side of Benidorm?

- And there's a few contenders for that.
- Yeah.

Oh well, you can kiss
goodbye to my custom here then.

Oh, God, what are we
gonna do without your

6 euros for a shampoo
and set once a month?

Liam, call in the receivers.

Well, I'll just see myself out, then.

Do, and don't bother coming
back 'cause you're barred.

But being a brilliant psychic,
you probably already knew that.

- Go on, get out!
- Ohh!

What a washout that was.

Oh, I'm sorry, Kenneth,
I told you it was all rubbish.

I know, love.

If only my father was alive.

He could have introduced you to
as many dead people as you want.

I'm sorry, Mrs Temple Savage,
but I don't agree.

There's no such thing as
ghosts, poltergeists,

things that go bump in the night.

It's just our desperate need to keep
loving those that are no longer with us.

The dead are just that, dead.

Gone, but hopefully not forgotten.

Yeah, you're right.

I mean, if the dead could speak,

I'd hope they'd do a lot more than
just make a middle-aged woman

slump in a chair and
speak in a funny voice.

? I lost my heart to a starship trooper

? Ooh!

? Tell me, Captain Strange,
won't you be my lover?

? You're the best thing that
I've ever discovered

? Flash Gordon's left me
He's gone to the stars

And evil Darth Vader
had me banished to Mars...

Oi, Mateo, have you seen Temple Savage?

No, she has not been here tonight.
What is the problem?

Ah, there's no problem. She just
asked me to do an internet search

on that fella that was here,
Buck A. Roo.

Oh, yeah?

Yep, turns out it was his real name.

Hey! How did you let get on
with your mate?

- What mate?
- Buck.

Did you find your money?

Oh, my God!

- What's the matter?
- Me dad's just told him to piss off.

? Requesting your position
it's their final demand

? You're turning up
Oh! Oh!

? So if you're gonna take me... ?

Get off! Get off the stage!

Oh, piss off, it's not your turn.

What's going on? Leave her alone.

I told you I'd put you down
for Sex on Fire.

- It's real!
- What?

The little Oompa Loompa fella.

- What're you going on about?
- The money, Vegas, it's all real!

Oh, my God!
Mother, where's your phone?

I deleted his number.

- You've got his card.
- I chucked it away!

- Oh, my God!
- Come on.

Here, Janice, help me.

Come on, come on!

Let's go!

Hey!

Wait, I can't run as fast as you!

Anyway, as I was saying,

I was thinking of going
to Paraplegic tonight.

- Lf you fancy it.
- Excuse me?

It's a club. It starts late but
all the banging places do.

Oh, you're here,

hiding behind the pillar.
I've been sitting here on me own.

I wasn't hiding.

This is er, my mate, Tiger.

Hello, Tiger!

Is this the one you wanted
to have a threesome with?

Oh, no, no, no!

What? That's my dad.

Your dad? You said you were 38.

He's 52!

Listen, son, go and sit over there,
I'll be with you in a minute.

And leave you with this old slapper?
You've got to be joking.

I beg your pardon!

He's a married man.

- You said you were divorced.
- Look, just shut up!

You're gonna let him
speak to me like that?

You said you were divorced.

You know, you're a very
accommodating woman, Jacqueline.

- You what?
- You're very understanding

to your husband's needs.

Well, we're just very secure
in our relationship.

Yes. Yes, I realise that now.

I've never been unfaithful to my wife.

Right.

I've always been totally
monogamous through choice.

Just not my choice.

When Riannon went on her
first "weaving" holiday,

I must admit I had my
suspicions about her intentions,

and in a fit of jealous rage

I tried it on with our neighbour,

Bethan. And do you what she did?

She laughed. She took one look at me

and laughed. Am I that much of a joke?

Maybe she thought you weren't serious.

Well, I'm serious now.

I'm going upstairs.

And all I'm saying is

I won't be pulling the wardrobe
in front of the door.

Not this time.

That's all I'm saying.

Your friend, he does
not want roly-poly?

He does,
but he won't be getting it from me.

I think I should
change me shoes.

- You can't, we ain't got time to change.
- Wait up.

I don't know, do I?
You can always write a letter to her.

Excuse me, mate,
I just need to get through...

May I see your boarding pass?

No, we don't have boarding passes.

Can I just go through for five minutes?

I'm sorry, but you have to collect
your boarding passes first.

We can't, we haven't got any tickets.

Then why are you here?

Just get out of our way.

It's jobsworths like you brought
the Spanish economy to its knees.

Nice one, Madge Paxman.

- He's there.
- Where?

- There, look.
- Oh, eh, Mr Roo?

- Can I just go through? Please?
- No, no, no.

You came!

Oh, I'm so sorry we said what we said.

It's just that you told us...

Okay, are they coming in
or are you going out?

Oh, I do, do apologise.

Oh, we really didn't mean
to send you packing like that.

It's just that everything that you
said sounded so unbelievable.

Oh, there's no call for an apology.

I've been through this many times.

Someone showed me your
bits on the internet.

That sounded wrong.

My dear friends, I cannot tell
you how gratifying it is

to see you again.
I'm in a strange business.

It's a wonderful but a
very strange business.

Lots of travel, an awful
lot of hard work,

but it commonly results
in the same conclusion,

I make people's dreams come true.

Come with me, will you?
On this fantastic journey?

You all right, Mam?

Mel... Mel always said
he'd look after me.

He said he'd look after us all.

And I never doubted him.

I never doubted him.

- Ever.
- Come here.

So, how much money are we talking about?
I know you said millions, but seriously?

For certain, we don't know yet.

But I can give you my personal
guarantee on one consideration.

What's that?

You will all live

happily ever after.

Tickets!

Tickets!

Hey, is that champagne?

Oh, for God's sake,
one glass, I'm nearly 16.

I'm not bothered about that,
I just don't wanna have to pay for it.

Don't worry, Mr Garvey,

this trip is what you
might call "all-inclusive".

You think we'll ever
go back to Benidorm, Mam?

Who knows? Never say never.

I'll drink to that.

Cheers!

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