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1
00:00:29,888 --> 00:00:32,128
Good morning!
Morning.
2
00:00:32,168 --> 00:00:34,128
Good morning. You're both up very
early.
3
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:37,768
Oh, yes. Jacqueline and I are both
early risers, aren't we?
4
00:00:37,808 --> 00:00:39,808
You certainly are!
5
00:00:39,848 --> 00:00:41,408
Mm-hm!
6
00:00:41,448 --> 00:00:43,728
What you do in the privacy of your
own room...
7
00:00:43,768 --> 00:00:47,808
Oh, we're expecting quite a large
package today.
8
00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:51,008
As I say, what you do
in the privacy -
9
00:00:51,048 --> 00:00:53,048
Oh. I'm sorry.
10
00:00:53,088 --> 00:00:54,408
You mean a delivery?
11
00:00:54,448 --> 00:00:57,288
Yes. Do you know if it's arrived?
12
00:00:57,328 --> 00:00:58,848
Sorry, I'm not working today.
13
00:00:58,888 --> 00:01:01,968
You'll have to ask one of my
extremely efficient members of staff.
14
00:01:02,008 --> 00:01:03,728
Don't worry, I'll ask this one.
15
00:01:03,768 --> 00:01:06,648
We're expecting a rather large
package.
16
00:01:06,688 --> 00:01:08,888
I wonder if you could keep an eye
open?
17
00:01:08,928 --> 00:01:11,848
Oh, I always do. It's Mr and Mrs
Stewart, isn't it?
18
00:01:11,888 --> 00:01:14,328
It is. Nee bother, I'll let you know
when it's here.
19
00:01:14,368 --> 00:01:17,768
We think it's gonna be
an absolute whopper.
20
00:01:17,808 --> 00:01:21,328
So we may need a hand with it,
if you know what I mean?
21
00:01:21,368 --> 00:01:23,368
Leave it to me.
Many thanks.
22
00:01:25,168 --> 00:01:27,848
Is it just me or does everything
those two say
23
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:29,928
sound like absolute filth?
24
00:01:29,968 --> 00:01:33,248
Your car should be here
in 15 minutes,
25
00:01:33,288 --> 00:01:34,968
Mrs Temple-Savage.
Thank you, Les.
26
00:01:35,008 --> 00:01:37,248
Now you're sure you're going to cope
without me?
27
00:01:37,288 --> 00:01:40,128
Being the manager of this place,
even for three days,
28
00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:41,928
is quite a responsibility, you know.
29
00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:43,968
Manageress, you mean.
30
00:01:44,008 --> 00:01:46,728
I just have to pick up my best wig
from Blow And Go,
31
00:01:46,768 --> 00:01:49,488
do my make-up, and people won't
realise it's not you.
32
00:01:49,528 --> 00:01:51,528
How lovely that -
33
00:01:51,568 --> 00:01:53,568
I beg your pardon?
34
00:01:53,608 --> 00:01:56,088
I mean, the level of service
and that.
35
00:01:56,128 --> 00:01:58,128
Oh, right.
36
00:01:58,168 --> 00:02:01,128
Now don't forget, I've been told by
head office
37
00:02:01,168 --> 00:02:03,968
to start looking for
an assistant manager.
38
00:02:04,008 --> 00:02:06,008
Now is the time to impress.
39
00:02:06,048 --> 00:02:09,608
Assistant manager?
Go on, get your skates on.
40
00:02:09,648 --> 00:02:11,648
Right. Erm...
41
00:02:11,688 --> 00:02:14,448
I was thinking about probably not
using the roller skates,
42
00:02:14,488 --> 00:02:17,368
to be honest. It's quite difficult
to give someone a ticking off
43
00:02:17,408 --> 00:02:19,368
when you're falling arse over tit.
44
00:02:19,408 --> 00:02:21,408
No, I meant hurry up.
45
00:02:21,448 --> 00:02:24,208
Oh, right! Yes, right, on my way.
46
00:02:24,248 --> 00:02:27,128
And Mrs Temple-Savage, I don't know
where you're going
47
00:02:27,168 --> 00:02:29,168
on your little break,
but whoever he is,
48
00:02:29,208 --> 00:02:31,208
he's a very lucky man.
49
00:02:31,248 --> 00:02:33,208
You look stunning.
50
00:02:33,248 --> 00:02:35,928
Well... one occasionally tries to
make an effort.
51
00:02:44,768 --> 00:02:46,768
Sorry!
52
00:02:55,728 --> 00:02:57,808
Are you getting up or what?
53
00:02:57,848 --> 00:03:00,088
I just want another half hour.
54
00:03:00,128 --> 00:03:02,488
I'm on holiday, for God's sake.
55
00:03:02,528 --> 00:03:04,768
It just seems a complete waste of
time lying in bed
56
00:03:04,808 --> 00:03:07,128
when there's gorgeous sunshine out
there. Tonya -
57
00:03:07,168 --> 00:03:09,528
It's not as if this is the last word
in luxury in here.
58
00:03:09,568 --> 00:03:11,648
That bed could be used
as Medieval torture.
59
00:03:11,688 --> 00:03:14,288
Tonya - I realise you had a lot to
drink last night,
60
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:17,488
but why you want to lie festering in
that pit any longer than you have to
61
00:03:17,528 --> 00:03:19,488
is a complete mystery -
Tonya!
62
00:03:22,168 --> 00:03:25,808
Turn out the light and close the
door on your way out.
63
00:03:29,528 --> 00:03:31,448
The bulb's gone.
Good.
64
00:03:31,488 --> 00:03:33,488
Shall I tell the front desk?
65
00:03:34,288 --> 00:03:36,288
Clive.
66
00:03:36,328 --> 00:03:38,008
Clive.
For God's sake!
67
00:03:38,048 --> 00:03:40,048
Will you leave me alone?
68
00:03:52,088 --> 00:03:54,328
Miss Temple-Savage, your taxi has
been waiting.
69
00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:56,408
Yes, I know.
I've had to change again
70
00:03:56,448 --> 00:03:58,968
thanks to Tweedle-Dum and
Tweedle-Dee out there.
71
00:03:59,008 --> 00:04:01,008
Who?
Never mind.
72
00:04:01,048 --> 00:04:03,728
Mrs Temple-Savage, do you know your
car's waiting for you?
73
00:04:05,288 --> 00:04:09,008
What on earth are you wearing?
I had Kenneth refresh my best wig
74
00:04:09,048 --> 00:04:11,728
for Lesley, but I can't get into
Blow And Go till it's open.
75
00:04:11,768 --> 00:04:14,648
In the meantime, someone should try
and refresh that suit.
76
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:17,848
Looks like something they gave my
father after the war.
77
00:04:17,888 --> 00:04:19,608
Oh, don't you worry.
78
00:04:19,648 --> 00:04:22,168
As soon as it's open, I'll be
looking a million dollars.
79
00:04:22,208 --> 00:04:24,168
All in loose change.
80
00:04:24,208 --> 00:04:26,888
Right, I'm off.
Have a wonderful time.
81
00:04:26,928 --> 00:04:28,728
Oh, don't forget, Les.
82
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:32,448
This time next month, who knows?
You could be assistant manager.
83
00:04:32,488 --> 00:04:35,128
You really think so? This is your
chance to shine.
84
00:04:35,168 --> 00:04:38,368
And with great office comes great
responsibility.
85
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:40,728
Here are the keys for the vending
machines.
86
00:04:43,168 --> 00:04:45,768
I don't know what to say.
Hasta luego.
87
00:04:45,808 --> 00:04:48,728
Er, any problems, call me.
88
00:04:48,768 --> 00:04:50,768
Just go.
Luego.
89
00:04:50,808 --> 00:04:52,808
I'm coming...
90
00:04:56,888 --> 00:04:59,568
Right, I want this reception area
tidied up.
91
00:04:59,608 --> 00:05:01,608
It's an absolute disgrace.
92
00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:04,328
There's nothing wrong with it.
93
00:05:04,368 --> 00:05:07,048
I want to be able to eat my dinner
off this counter.
94
00:05:07,088 --> 00:05:08,728
Why don't you just use a plate?
95
00:05:08,768 --> 00:05:10,728
Or are they also in Blow And Go?
96
00:05:10,768 --> 00:05:12,648
Now let's get one thing straight,
Mateo.
97
00:05:12,688 --> 00:05:15,488
You and me might be mates, but
there's a new boss in town.
98
00:05:15,528 --> 00:05:18,048
Yes. And he's being an arsehole.
99
00:05:18,088 --> 00:05:20,008
Les, what is wrong with you?
100
00:05:20,048 --> 00:05:22,168
Is wearing men's clothes
making you upset?
101
00:05:22,208 --> 00:05:24,968
Now let's get one thing clear.
While Joyce is away,
102
00:05:25,008 --> 00:05:28,328
what I say, goes. It's either my way
or the highway.
103
00:05:28,368 --> 00:05:31,448
What do you think you're doing? You
know there's no smoking inside.
104
00:05:31,488 --> 00:05:33,928
It's not lit.
Don't split hairs with me!
105
00:05:33,968 --> 00:05:35,768
How's that splitting hairs?
106
00:05:35,808 --> 00:05:38,888
Are you gonna have a go at him for
having 20 unlit cigs in his pocket?
107
00:05:38,928 --> 00:05:41,848
I assume that's a packet of 20 or
are you just pleased to see me?
108
00:05:41,888 --> 00:05:43,888
That's enough!
109
00:05:43,928 --> 00:05:47,008
Right, you get this whole reception
area cleaned,
110
00:05:47,048 --> 00:05:49,208
and you get that salon opened.
111
00:05:49,248 --> 00:05:52,408
Hang on a minute. Who's died and
left you a personality in their will?
112
00:05:52,448 --> 00:05:54,608
They also left him that suit.
113
00:05:54,648 --> 00:05:58,968
Shut up! While Joyce is away, I am
acting assistant manager.
114
00:05:59,008 --> 00:06:01,048
There's only one thing you're
acting, love.
115
00:06:01,088 --> 00:06:02,528
And that's a complete dickhead.
116
00:06:02,568 --> 00:06:04,848
Now kindly excuse me while I stroll
into Benidorm
117
00:06:04,888 --> 00:06:05,928
and enjoy my ciggie.
118
00:06:05,968 --> 00:06:09,488
Don't worry, I'll make sure I'm at least
the Poniente Beach before I spark up.
119
00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:13,088
What time are you gonna open this
salon? Shove it!
120
00:06:14,968 --> 00:06:17,128
"My way or the highway."
121
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:19,208
I think he chose the highway.
122
00:06:27,368 --> 00:06:30,608
Where's my mam?
Gone to get your nana.
123
00:06:32,928 --> 00:06:35,568
Didn't get any asleep again last
night with her coughing.
124
00:06:35,608 --> 00:06:37,648
I'm sure she appreciates your
concern (!)
125
00:06:40,168 --> 00:06:42,328
You're not hanging about with your
mate today?
126
00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:44,448
Nah, he's not really my mate.
127
00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:47,608
You're joking? You've been stuck to
him like shit to a blanket
128
00:06:47,648 --> 00:06:49,008
since you got here.
129
00:06:49,048 --> 00:06:51,448
And what does that mean?
Doesn't mean anything.
130
00:06:51,488 --> 00:06:53,248
And watch that tone of voice
of yours.
131
00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:54,808
You might think you're a tough guy
132
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:57,088
but your wrists still go all
the way up your arms.
133
00:06:57,128 --> 00:06:59,208
And you think that's a reason to pick
on me?
134
00:06:59,248 --> 00:07:00,848
Who's picking on you?
You.
135
00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:03,208
You're always picking on me.
Oh, Michael.
136
00:07:03,248 --> 00:07:05,808
Do us all a favour, go back to bed
and get up again
137
00:07:05,848 --> 00:07:08,008
when you've stopped behaving like a
dickhead.
138
00:07:08,048 --> 00:07:10,528
Sick to death of you talking to me
like I'm a little kid.
139
00:07:10,568 --> 00:07:12,288
Stop acting like one.
And if you think
140
00:07:12,328 --> 00:07:14,888
I'm ever coming on holiday with you
again, you're wrong.
141
00:07:14,928 --> 00:07:17,408
Oh no, what am I gonna do with all
that spare money (?)
142
00:07:17,448 --> 00:07:19,648
Buy some clothes that suit your age?
143
00:07:23,208 --> 00:07:25,528
Morning. Fab t-shirt!
144
00:07:37,528 --> 00:07:40,608
Come on, Mam. Half the day's gone
already.
145
00:07:40,648 --> 00:07:42,648
You sleep all right?
146
00:07:42,688 --> 00:07:44,408
Not really.
147
00:07:44,448 --> 00:07:45,808
I know what you mean.
148
00:07:45,848 --> 00:07:49,128
If it gets any hotter, I'll have to
set my alarm to wring my knickers out.
149
00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:51,048
Is it the first today?
150
00:07:51,088 --> 00:07:53,488
Yeah. Pinch, punch,
the first of the month.
151
00:07:53,528 --> 00:07:55,368
First of August.
152
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:57,408
Yeah. Are you ready?
153
00:08:00,448 --> 00:08:03,288
That cough's no better, is it?
154
00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:09,968
Oh God, Mother.
What is it you want?
155
00:08:11,168 --> 00:08:13,768
Water? Cough sweets?
156
00:08:17,408 --> 00:08:19,408
I don't know what it is you're
pointing at.
157
00:08:19,448 --> 00:08:20,928
Do you want me to get the doctor?
158
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,968
Cigs. I want my cigs.
159
00:08:40,328 --> 00:08:42,128
Oh, that's better.
160
00:08:42,168 --> 00:08:44,968
Right. Let's get you outside.
161
00:08:45,008 --> 00:08:47,648
Bit of fresh air won't do you any
harm, either.
162
00:08:52,128 --> 00:08:54,128
Mother!
163
00:08:54,168 --> 00:08:57,608
Yeah... I'm on my way out.
164
00:09:16,107 --> 00:09:18,107
Urgh!
165
00:09:18,549 --> 00:09:21,469
Excuse me. Erm, do you have another
table?
166
00:09:24,229 --> 00:09:26,149
Table... non bien...
167
00:09:26,189 --> 00:09:27,789
Si. Come.
168
00:09:27,829 --> 00:09:29,689
Oh! Muchas gracias.
169
00:09:29,707 --> 00:09:31,707
Thank you.
170
00:09:31,747 --> 00:09:33,747
Oh, right.
171
00:09:33,787 --> 00:09:35,787
Thank you.
172
00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,787
Er, no, there's a...
173
00:09:44,827 --> 00:09:46,827
Urgh...
174
00:09:53,747 --> 00:09:56,147
Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
175
00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:07,907
Hey!
What do you think you're doing?
176
00:10:07,947 --> 00:10:10,347
It's your father -
I mean, your mother.
177
00:10:10,387 --> 00:10:12,347
Whatever he is, he told me to find
the key.
178
00:10:12,387 --> 00:10:14,747
Liam! There you are, I've been
trying to phone you.
179
00:10:14,787 --> 00:10:16,947
I need my best wig for Lesley.
180
00:10:16,987 --> 00:10:19,347
It's gonna be so nice.
You're gonna look amazing.
181
00:10:19,387 --> 00:10:21,907
I need it now so I can get changed
and get on with my job.
182
00:10:21,947 --> 00:10:24,227
Oh, well, it won't be here till this
afternoon.
183
00:10:24,267 --> 00:10:26,707
I sent it to Alicante to get it done
professionally.
184
00:10:26,747 --> 00:10:28,747
You're supposed to be professionals.
185
00:10:28,787 --> 00:10:32,027
You said it was important. It's
important that I have that wig now!
186
00:10:32,067 --> 00:10:34,587
I can't believe... right!
187
00:10:34,627 --> 00:10:37,547
I want all HODs in my office
in 15 minutes.
188
00:10:37,587 --> 00:10:39,667
What are HODs?
189
00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:40,987
You haven't got an office.
190
00:10:41,027 --> 00:10:42,187
Heads of department!
191
00:10:42,227 --> 00:10:45,787
In the manager's office. My office,
whilst Joyce is away.
192
00:10:45,827 --> 00:10:48,387
Oh, now it is "Joyce"?
193
00:10:48,427 --> 00:10:50,467
What happened to
"Miss Temple-Savage"?
194
00:10:50,507 --> 00:10:52,947
I'll have none of your lip
or you're for the high jump.
195
00:10:52,987 --> 00:10:55,107
My office, 15 minutes.
196
00:10:56,707 --> 00:10:58,707
Oh my God...
197
00:10:58,747 --> 00:11:01,227
When did my dad turn into Goebbels?
198
00:11:01,267 --> 00:11:04,867
His face does not look like a gerbil.
It's more like an angry pig.
199
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:13,027
Can you make this quick? I've got
a corkscrew perm to relax at 1:00.
200
00:11:13,067 --> 00:11:15,587
I was hoping to get a couple of
hours sun in before then.
201
00:11:15,627 --> 00:11:18,427
Close your clapper. I'll be having
words with you at the end.
202
00:11:18,467 --> 00:11:20,307
Don't you threaten me
with a good time!
203
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:23,067
Since my recent promotion
it has come to my notice
204
00:11:23,107 --> 00:11:26,867
that everyone at The Solana needs to
up their game.
205
00:11:26,907 --> 00:11:28,507
You have not been promoted.
206
00:11:28,547 --> 00:11:30,787
You're just covering
for Miss Temple-Savage
207
00:11:30,827 --> 00:11:33,427
while she's on holiday. Exactly. And
you only got that
208
00:11:33,467 --> 00:11:36,467
cos you've been brown-nosing her so
much over the past fortnight.
209
00:11:36,507 --> 00:11:38,947
The end of your nose looks like a
Werther's Original.
210
00:11:38,987 --> 00:11:42,347
One more word out of you and I'll
cut off your electric.
211
00:11:42,387 --> 00:11:44,387
You wouldn't dare!
Try me.
212
00:11:48,027 --> 00:11:53,547
Right. Now we all understand each
other, let it be known -
213
00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:56,147
"Let it be known"? Who do you think
are? Jesus?
214
00:11:56,187 --> 00:11:59,987
Come on, out of all of them
I thought you'd be on my side.
215
00:12:00,027 --> 00:12:02,067
But I'm just saying -
Leave it, Liam.
216
00:12:02,107 --> 00:12:04,467
He's like a woman possessed.
Let it be known
217
00:12:04,507 --> 00:12:06,667
that I will be making
detailed inspections
218
00:12:06,707 --> 00:12:09,427
on all departments
as the day goes on.
219
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:13,347
Starting with housekeeping,
moving onto bar areas,
220
00:12:13,387 --> 00:12:17,427
pool areas and The Solana's hair and
beauty salon Blow And Go.
221
00:12:17,467 --> 00:12:19,747
That's if I'm lucky enough to find
it open!
222
00:12:20,947 --> 00:12:23,147
Mr Les, please may I ask one
question?
223
00:12:23,187 --> 00:12:26,347
You may. We have had a call from a
Mr Norman Wisdom.
224
00:12:26,387 --> 00:12:29,027
Apparently he wants his suit back.
225
00:12:29,067 --> 00:12:32,227
Oh my God! How do you know about
Norman Wisdom?
226
00:12:32,267 --> 00:12:34,507
I used to love all his movies when I
was a bambino.
227
00:12:34,547 --> 00:12:36,867
My favourite one -
All right, that's enough.
228
00:12:36,907 --> 00:12:39,267
Mr Castellanos, you're on a final
warning.
229
00:12:39,307 --> 00:12:40,987
Mr Du Beke, stay here.
230
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:43,027
The rest of you, move it.
231
00:12:51,907 --> 00:12:53,907
I've got my eye on you.
232
00:12:53,947 --> 00:12:57,507
And I've got your £400 wig on its
way from Alicante.
233
00:12:57,547 --> 00:13:01,267
So just calm yourself down or I
might have to ring them couriers
234
00:13:01,307 --> 00:13:03,467
and get them to send it
on a little diversion.
235
00:13:03,507 --> 00:13:05,467
You wouldn't dare.
Try me.
236
00:13:05,507 --> 00:13:07,427
Don't mess with a queen, Les.
237
00:13:07,467 --> 00:13:09,787
You might just end up
with a royal shafting.
238
00:13:25,427 --> 00:13:28,227
How are you feeling now, Mam?
Better now you're in the sun.
239
00:13:28,267 --> 00:13:31,387
Yeah.
240
00:13:31,427 --> 00:13:33,227
Much better.
241
00:13:33,267 --> 00:13:35,787
Where's our Michael?
He went off in a sulk.
242
00:13:36,827 --> 00:13:39,507
I bet your mother's got an opinion
about what caused that.
243
00:13:39,547 --> 00:13:42,347
I've not seen our Michael today.
I'm sure he'll be all right.
244
00:13:43,627 --> 00:13:46,347
Any sign of your missing scooter,
Madge?
245
00:13:47,107 --> 00:13:50,067
You had the perpetrators hunted down
and burnt at the stake yet?
246
00:13:50,107 --> 00:13:52,747
It'll only be kids messing. I'm sure
they'll bring it back
247
00:13:52,787 --> 00:13:54,787
when they're finished with it.
248
00:13:54,827 --> 00:13:57,107
Anybody want a drink?
I'm off to the bar.
249
00:13:57,147 --> 00:13:59,467
I'll get them, Mam.
No, don't worry.
250
00:13:59,507 --> 00:14:02,147
It'll be nice to stretch my legs.
Back in a minute.
251
00:14:05,027 --> 00:14:07,947
It looks like Madge.
It sounds like Madge.
252
00:14:08,827 --> 00:14:10,827
It even smells like Madge, but...
253
00:14:11,907 --> 00:14:13,907
..what the hell's going on?
254
00:14:13,947 --> 00:14:15,947
I don't know.
255
00:14:35,027 --> 00:14:37,347
Oh, Beverley. Should we go somewhere
else?
256
00:14:37,387 --> 00:14:39,427
We're sitting right next to -
Don't move.
257
00:14:39,467 --> 00:14:41,467
Sit down.
258
00:14:41,507 --> 00:14:42,947
Is everything all right?
259
00:14:42,987 --> 00:14:46,387
Don't speak. Just stay exactly as you
are.
260
00:14:48,747 --> 00:14:52,307
I've never seen the sunlight
dancing in someone's eyes
261
00:14:52,347 --> 00:14:54,347
quite that way before.
262
00:14:54,387 --> 00:14:57,787
I think they're a bit glassy. Had
quite a late night last night.
263
00:14:57,827 --> 00:14:59,587
Don't say a word.
264
00:14:59,627 --> 00:15:02,627
What a fool I've been to wait this
long before meeting up again.
265
00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:05,227
Well, I know you're a busy -
Ssh.
266
00:15:05,267 --> 00:15:08,227
No words. Just let me drink you in.
267
00:15:08,267 --> 00:15:11,547
Such poise. Such elegance.
268
00:15:11,587 --> 00:15:13,547
Such - What is that smell?
269
00:15:13,587 --> 00:15:15,387
That's what I've been trying to say.
270
00:15:15,427 --> 00:15:18,267
I think we should move away from
that bin.
271
00:15:18,307 --> 00:15:20,267
Beverley Westwood.
272
00:15:20,307 --> 00:15:22,307
Hello? Speak!
273
00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:25,307
No. How many times have I told you?
274
00:15:25,347 --> 00:15:27,507
The hotel offers no discounts
whatsoever.
275
00:15:28,747 --> 00:15:30,947
So what if they've been married 50
years.
276
00:15:30,987 --> 00:15:33,507
Stick an umbrella in their Ovaltine.
277
00:15:33,547 --> 00:15:36,507
I'm sorry, Joyce.
Where was I?
278
00:15:36,547 --> 00:15:39,787
Erm... something about
poise and elegance.
279
00:15:39,827 --> 00:15:43,307
Oh, yeah. Such poise. Such elegance.
280
00:15:43,347 --> 00:15:46,187
I knew when we first met -
281
00:15:46,227 --> 00:15:49,387
Oh for crying out loud.
Speak!
282
00:15:50,587 --> 00:15:52,747
No, she can't have tomorrow morning
off.
283
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:55,547
I don't care if her father has died.
284
00:15:55,587 --> 00:15:57,587
If she calls in sick, fire her.
285
00:15:59,027 --> 00:16:00,667
I'm sorry about that.
286
00:16:00,707 --> 00:16:04,227
Running a hotel can really get in the
way of one's social life.
287
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:06,427
But I don't need to tell you that.
288
00:16:06,467 --> 00:16:08,507
Well, Beverley, is there anywhere -
289
00:16:08,547 --> 00:16:10,547
Can I ask you a question, Joyce?
290
00:16:10,587 --> 00:16:14,627
Yes. I know we've only been speaking
on the phone for a few days,
291
00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:17,547
but I feel a real connection.
292
00:16:17,587 --> 00:16:19,907
Do you?
I do.
293
00:16:19,947 --> 00:16:24,347
And I was wondering if you'd like to
come over to my hotel?
294
00:16:24,387 --> 00:16:27,867
Well, as I said on the phone, I'd be
very interested to see -
295
00:16:27,907 --> 00:16:30,067
What is it now?
296
00:16:31,787 --> 00:16:34,227
No! What is wrong with you people?
297
00:16:34,267 --> 00:16:36,467
I've been away for less than an hour!
298
00:16:37,547 --> 00:16:39,227
Hello? Hello?
299
00:16:40,227 --> 00:16:42,547
Bloody battery. Have you got a phone?
300
00:16:42,587 --> 00:16:44,587
Erm, yes.
301
00:16:44,627 --> 00:16:46,827
Somewhere. Load of rubbish in
here...
302
00:16:48,707 --> 00:16:50,907
Diego, can I use your phone?
303
00:16:56,587 --> 00:16:58,587
Senor? Senor.
304
00:16:58,627 --> 00:17:00,627
Here.
305
00:17:02,707 --> 00:17:04,707
Cyril.
Joyce!
306
00:17:12,587 --> 00:17:14,987
Mikey! What's going on?
307
00:17:15,027 --> 00:17:16,827
Nothing.
Fancy coming for a wander?
308
00:17:16,867 --> 00:17:18,667
- No, I don't.
- "No, I don't."
309
00:17:18,707 --> 00:17:21,907
Just leave me alone. Everytime I hang
around with you, I get in trouble.
310
00:17:21,947 --> 00:17:24,347
I could say the same thing about
you. Just go away.
311
00:17:24,387 --> 00:17:27,427
Listen, Mikey, you don't seem to
have too many friends around here.
312
00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:29,587
You should be thankful you've got me
as a mate.
313
00:17:29,627 --> 00:17:33,067
Thankful? Thanks to you I've got a
tattoo, my nan's scooter got trashed,
314
00:17:33,107 --> 00:17:36,187
nearly got caught selling drugs and
lost all my holiday money.
315
00:17:36,227 --> 00:17:38,427
They weren't drugs,
they were tanning pills.
316
00:17:38,467 --> 00:17:41,427
I got your money back for you, you
ungrateful - You lads all right?
317
00:17:41,467 --> 00:17:43,627
Yeah. Yes, sweet, Mrs G.
318
00:17:43,667 --> 00:17:45,827
I was just gonna nip out and get a
newspaper.
319
00:17:45,867 --> 00:17:48,627
Oh. I didn't think reading was your
strong point.
320
00:17:49,987 --> 00:17:51,427
Off you pop, then.
321
00:17:51,467 --> 00:17:53,187
You stand there gawping much longer
322
00:17:53,227 --> 00:17:55,867
and that haircut's in danger of
coming back into fashion.
323
00:17:55,907 --> 00:17:58,587
Yeah. Yeah, cool...
324
00:17:58,627 --> 00:18:00,627
Erm...
325
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,747
..see you later, Mikey.
326
00:18:07,107 --> 00:18:09,747
You know, I've not really noticed
before,
327
00:18:09,787 --> 00:18:11,867
but he's a bit of a dick that lad,
in't he?
328
00:18:11,907 --> 00:18:13,907
Yeah, just a bit.
329
00:18:13,947 --> 00:18:15,547
Do you fancy a swim?
330
00:18:15,587 --> 00:18:17,587
Yeah, all right.
Come on.
331
00:18:22,987 --> 00:18:24,987
Housekeeping.
332
00:18:35,507 --> 00:18:38,107
Disgusting.
333
00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:44,667
Oh dear.
334
00:18:55,347 --> 00:18:57,587
What are you doing?!
335
00:18:57,627 --> 00:18:59,627
What do you want?
Get off me!
336
00:19:04,027 --> 00:19:07,987
Let me go! What are you doing?
I'm trying to get off you!
337
00:19:08,027 --> 00:19:09,747
What the hell's going on here?
338
00:19:09,787 --> 00:19:11,787
Don't just stand there!
339
00:19:12,747 --> 00:19:16,107
I'm sorry, but I have no intention of
finishing off whatever he started.
340
00:19:16,147 --> 00:19:18,187
Tonya. Where are you going?
341
00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:20,907
Don't be ridiculous!
342
00:19:27,747 --> 00:19:31,387
Oh! She's arrived!
343
00:19:31,427 --> 00:19:36,867
Here she is. The last remains of Big
Donna. May she rest in pieces.
344
00:19:36,907 --> 00:19:42,507
When I think of how full of life
she was, what a way to end up.
345
00:19:42,547 --> 00:19:44,907
Well, every cloud
has a silver lining.
346
00:19:44,947 --> 00:19:47,507
The last time she sat on someone's
knee,
347
00:19:47,547 --> 00:19:49,547
they ended up with a
fractured thigh bone.
348
00:19:49,587 --> 00:19:53,667
So we're taking Donna
on one last day out.
349
00:19:53,707 --> 00:19:56,547
Absolutely. She always said she'd
get to Benidorm.
350
00:19:56,587 --> 00:19:58,907
We're gonna send her off in style!
351
00:20:01,587 --> 00:20:04,227
Mateo, you can't sneak us a big
bottle of water, can you?
352
00:20:04,267 --> 00:20:06,707
We're off to the beach.
You cannot go to the beach
353
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,467
with your father being this crazy.
354
00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:10,627
It is like the cats leaving the
sinking ship.
355
00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:11,787
I think you mean mice.
356
00:20:11,827 --> 00:20:14,227
OK, the cats leaving
the sinking mice. Whatever.
357
00:20:14,267 --> 00:20:16,027
I'm still going to be left alone.
358
00:20:16,067 --> 00:20:17,787
Come on, what are you waiting for?
359
00:20:17,827 --> 00:20:19,587
Mateo won't give us
a bottle of water.
360
00:20:19,627 --> 00:20:23,027
You can have the water. I'm just
jealous you're going to the beach.
361
00:20:23,067 --> 00:20:25,427
Come with us, then.
I cannot.
362
00:20:25,467 --> 00:20:27,507
I'm on a final warning.
363
00:20:27,547 --> 00:20:29,547
From who?
From Les.
364
00:20:29,587 --> 00:20:33,147
I think you're mad. He's got
absolutely no power over us.
365
00:20:33,187 --> 00:20:35,507
If this was the '70s, someone would
blow a whistle
366
00:20:35,547 --> 00:20:36,787
and be, "Everybody out!"
367
00:20:36,827 --> 00:20:38,507
What does this mean?
I don't know.
368
00:20:38,547 --> 00:20:40,347
It means we need a union.
369
00:20:40,387 --> 00:20:43,067
And then when we're treated unfairly
all the staff walk out
370
00:20:43,107 --> 00:20:45,107
until the management
meets our demands.
371
00:20:45,147 --> 00:20:47,907
Are you giving us a bottle of water
or am I gonna have to drink
372
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:51,227
from that shower thing the kids wash
their feet with? Enjoy the beach.
373
00:20:51,267 --> 00:20:53,627
Ssh.
Cheers, gorgeous. See you later.
374
00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:55,747
Bye.
Luego.
375
00:20:56,347 --> 00:21:00,427
I think one quick cocktail
before we head off, n'est ce pas?
376
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:02,467
Oh, yes.
377
00:21:03,427 --> 00:21:05,947
Pink Pussies all round, please.
378
00:21:05,987 --> 00:21:07,707
Two Pink Pussies, no problem.
379
00:21:07,747 --> 00:21:09,747
Three, actually.
380
00:21:09,787 --> 00:21:11,827
One for our friend Donna.
381
00:21:12,987 --> 00:21:16,067
She's never been to Benidorm before.
382
00:21:23,187 --> 00:21:26,467
While I was in Thailand
I set up a dance company
383
00:21:26,507 --> 00:21:28,307
with some of the people I met in
prison.
384
00:21:28,347 --> 00:21:31,947
Prison?
A complete misunderstanding.
385
00:21:31,987 --> 00:21:35,227
I was taking a short cut across a
field
386
00:21:35,267 --> 00:21:37,427
when an old groin strain flared up.
387
00:21:37,467 --> 00:21:41,067
I was giving it a good rub
when next thing I knew,
388
00:21:41,107 --> 00:21:45,627
I've got two months in a Thai prison
for worrying a farmer's cattle.
389
00:21:45,667 --> 00:21:51,027
Anyway, I set up this dance group.
They were mainly pensioners.
390
00:21:51,067 --> 00:21:57,067
It combined elements of traditional
Thai dance and circus acrobatics.
391
00:21:57,107 --> 00:22:00,227
Our finale was the human pyramid.
392
00:22:00,267 --> 00:22:03,027
The idea being to get over the
prison wall.
393
00:22:03,067 --> 00:22:07,667
Well, I got over the wall, but the
pyramid collapsed,
394
00:22:07,707 --> 00:22:10,067
killing five pensioners
and Chairman Mao.
395
00:22:10,107 --> 00:22:12,067
Chairman Mao?
396
00:22:12,107 --> 00:22:13,787
The prison cat.
397
00:22:13,827 --> 00:22:16,827
I went from Thailand's
premier choreographer
398
00:22:16,867 --> 00:22:20,827
to public enemy number one
in one admittedly graceful leap.
399
00:22:20,867 --> 00:22:22,747
You don't have much luck, do you?
400
00:22:22,787 --> 00:22:27,107
So I came to Spain to look for a
job, but, well, as you can see,
401
00:22:27,147 --> 00:22:30,227
things haven't worked out.
Why didn't you come to me?
402
00:22:30,267 --> 00:22:33,547
So many reasons.
Pride. Dignity.
403
00:22:33,587 --> 00:22:36,147
Not being able to scrape together
enough money
404
00:22:36,187 --> 00:22:38,187
for a can of Right Guard.
405
00:22:38,227 --> 00:22:41,067
But listen to me rattling on.
You were waiting for someone.
406
00:22:41,107 --> 00:22:42,867
No, I wasn't.
407
00:22:42,907 --> 00:22:48,187
Well... I was, but... let's go for a
walk.
408
00:22:48,227 --> 00:22:50,227
Are you sure?
409
00:22:51,027 --> 00:22:53,027
I think you'll be doing me a favour.
410
00:23:04,347 --> 00:23:07,307
Sorry about that. A barrel of monkeys
could do a better job...
411
00:23:09,467 --> 00:23:11,467
Joyce?
412
00:23:12,147 --> 00:23:14,147
Joyce?
413
00:23:21,307 --> 00:23:24,867
These are very grave accusations
you're making, Mr Dyke.
414
00:23:24,907 --> 00:23:26,627
Are you sure it was
a member of staff?
415
00:23:26,667 --> 00:23:28,867
How else would he have got into my
room?
416
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:30,907
You might have left the door open.
417
00:23:30,947 --> 00:23:34,147
He came into the room and launched
himself onto me.
418
00:23:34,187 --> 00:23:36,187
Now I don't think that was the case.
419
00:23:36,227 --> 00:23:38,027
How do you know?
420
00:23:38,067 --> 00:23:42,227
Well... you don't look like someone
who's been launched upon.
421
00:23:42,267 --> 00:23:44,587
Don't worry, I soon pulled him off.
422
00:23:44,627 --> 00:23:46,787
Well, that would certainly send him
running.
423
00:23:48,027 --> 00:23:50,747
OK, I've got all the details.
Young lad, in his 30's.
424
00:23:50,787 --> 00:23:53,107
"Young lad"?
I didn't say that.
425
00:23:53,147 --> 00:23:55,227
He was a right old ugly bastard.
426
00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:57,067
Really?
427
00:23:57,107 --> 00:24:00,547
Oh, yeah. He was like a fat goblin
bearing down on me.
428
00:24:00,587 --> 00:24:02,467
Can you imagine that?
429
00:24:02,507 --> 00:24:03,867
Not really.
430
00:24:03,907 --> 00:24:05,907
And he had this weird accent.
431
00:24:05,947 --> 00:24:10,587
Actually, now I come to think of it,
he sounded a bit like you.
432
00:24:10,627 --> 00:24:12,307
Where are you from?
433
00:24:12,347 --> 00:24:14,347
Me?
434
00:24:14,387 --> 00:24:16,747
I'm originally from
Tunbridge Wells
435
00:24:16,787 --> 00:24:20,107
although I did spend quite a lot of
time on the Costas.
436
00:24:20,147 --> 00:24:23,667
Right, well, I'll certainly file
this complaint
437
00:24:23,707 --> 00:24:26,947
and if we hear any more,
we'll let you know.
438
00:24:26,987 --> 00:24:30,187
Wasn't your hair a different colour
yesterday?
439
00:24:30,227 --> 00:24:32,827
I do believe that's a lady's
prerogative.
440
00:24:40,667 --> 00:24:42,827
Bloody nylon rubbish!
441
00:25:06,030 --> 00:25:09,250
What's going on? I thought we came
on holiday to get some sun.
442
00:25:09,256 --> 00:25:12,296
What are we doing sitting in here?
It's a family meeting, Michael.
443
00:25:12,336 --> 00:25:14,016
It's nice in here, in't it?
444
00:25:14,056 --> 00:25:16,936
Didn't know they had somebody
playing the piano during the day.
445
00:25:18,376 --> 00:25:21,096
Right, let's get this sorted out.
446
00:25:21,136 --> 00:25:24,056
What have you done with Madge?
What are you talking about?
447
00:25:24,096 --> 00:25:26,496
Mick - You're one of them
dopplegangers, aren't you?
448
00:25:26,536 --> 00:25:28,776
I once saw a Hammer House Of Horror
film like this.
449
00:25:28,816 --> 00:25:32,256
In a minute, we're all gonna wake up
in the back of an ambulance in the 1970s.
450
00:25:32,296 --> 00:25:35,336
I haven't a clue what you're talking
about. None of us have, Mother.
451
00:25:35,376 --> 00:25:37,496
We just wanted to check that...
452
00:25:38,496 --> 00:25:40,656
..well, that you're feeling OK.
453
00:25:40,696 --> 00:25:42,696
I'm OK.
454
00:25:44,176 --> 00:25:45,976
It's just that...
What?
455
00:25:46,016 --> 00:25:48,736
What they want to know is why are you
being so nice?
456
00:25:48,776 --> 00:25:51,456
Nice?
Yeah, it's freaking everybody out.
457
00:25:51,496 --> 00:25:53,336
I don't know what you're talking
about.
458
00:25:53,376 --> 00:25:56,136
I'm just enjoying being on holiday
with my family.
459
00:25:56,176 --> 00:25:59,416
Look what I found!
460
00:25:59,456 --> 00:26:01,936
You got it!
You got it back!
461
00:26:01,976 --> 00:26:04,296
Where was it?
It was just left outside.
462
00:26:04,336 --> 00:26:07,976
I knew they'd bring it back. It was
just some kids having a bit of fun.
463
00:26:09,176 --> 00:26:11,176
Here you are, son.
464
00:26:13,256 --> 00:26:16,536
Are you sure you can remember the
combination of the lock on that purse?
465
00:26:16,576 --> 00:26:19,936
No, please, Mrs G. I wouldn't dream
of taking money from you.
466
00:26:19,976 --> 00:26:21,856
I'm just happy
you got your scooter back.
467
00:26:21,896 --> 00:26:25,136
Actually, it's Mrs H.
468
00:26:26,176 --> 00:26:28,176
Thank you very much.
No problem.
469
00:26:29,296 --> 00:26:31,296
Mikey.
470
00:26:35,536 --> 00:26:37,536
What a lovely lad.
471
00:26:37,576 --> 00:26:40,936
Restores your faith in human
kindness, doesn't it?
472
00:28:06,496 --> 00:28:08,536
Ola. Can I help you?
473
00:28:08,576 --> 00:28:10,816
Yeah. Do you know why this place is
never open?
474
00:28:10,856 --> 00:28:13,176
Yes. The owner, he has a problem.
475
00:28:13,216 --> 00:28:16,696
What's the problem?
He is... how you say?
476
00:28:16,736 --> 00:28:18,776
Fat and lazy.
Brilliant!
477
00:28:18,816 --> 00:28:21,296
But maybe I can help you.
How do you mean?
478
00:28:21,336 --> 00:28:26,336
Well, I am a barman but I also work
part-time as a... hair stylist.
479
00:28:26,376 --> 00:28:29,016
Really?
Yes. Just not today.
480
00:28:30,016 --> 00:28:32,016
May I?
481
00:28:34,856 --> 00:28:39,016
Ah, yes, yes. Beautiful hair.
482
00:28:39,056 --> 00:28:42,136
Yes. I think you would suit a...
483
00:28:43,856 --> 00:28:45,936
..'chopitos.'
What's that?
484
00:28:46,736 --> 00:28:50,816
It's a very fashionable style
that goes around your ears
485
00:28:50,856 --> 00:28:53,216
and your neck...
486
00:28:54,696 --> 00:28:56,696
What the hell do you think
you're doing?
487
00:28:56,736 --> 00:28:58,936
Nothing.
Is this man bothering you?
488
00:28:58,976 --> 00:29:01,216
He said he was a hairdresser?
That one?
489
00:29:01,256 --> 00:29:03,096
A hairdresser?
490
00:29:03,136 --> 00:29:05,736
He thinks a finger wave is something
you do for foreplay.
491
00:29:05,776 --> 00:29:07,656
OK, I'm not a hairdresser,
492
00:29:07,696 --> 00:29:10,456
but you don't have to be a farmer to
stroke a cow.
493
00:29:10,496 --> 00:29:12,496
What?
494
00:29:14,576 --> 00:29:17,216
Oh, right. Well, I'm afraid our
award-winning salon
495
00:29:17,256 --> 00:29:20,696
isn't open at the moment, but if
you'd like to come back later...
496
00:29:20,736 --> 00:29:22,896
Is that it?
I'm sorry?
497
00:29:22,936 --> 00:29:24,256
You're not gonna sack him?
498
00:29:24,296 --> 00:29:26,336
Well, it's just -
I want to see the manager.
499
00:29:26,376 --> 00:29:28,336
He is the manager.
I mean, she is.
500
00:29:28,376 --> 00:29:31,816
I have just been intimidated and
harassed and humiliated
501
00:29:31,856 --> 00:29:34,896
by a member of your staff, and you
ain't gonna do nothing about it?
502
00:29:34,936 --> 00:29:36,976
I could have a field day with this,
you know.
503
00:29:37,016 --> 00:29:38,736
Now I don't think that's necessary.
504
00:29:38,776 --> 00:29:40,536
"No win, no fee", and all that.
505
00:29:40,576 --> 00:29:42,656
Look, I'm sure we can sort this out.
506
00:29:42,696 --> 00:29:44,696
So sort it.
507
00:29:49,176 --> 00:29:51,736
Mateo... you're sacked.
508
00:29:53,576 --> 00:29:55,376
What?
I'm sorry, Mateo.
509
00:29:55,416 --> 00:29:57,696
She's right. You'll have to collect
your things.
510
00:29:57,736 --> 00:29:59,736
You're sacked.
511
00:29:59,776 --> 00:30:01,776
You cannot sack me.
512
00:30:01,816 --> 00:30:04,536
I am the manageress
and you're sacked.
513
00:30:08,936 --> 00:30:13,416
Fine. I go. I do not need to work for
no crazy drag queen.
514
00:30:13,456 --> 00:30:15,096
I'll tell Joyce you said that.
515
00:30:15,136 --> 00:30:17,136
I was talking about you.
516
00:30:19,696 --> 00:30:21,696
We're running a very tight ship
here.
517
00:30:37,536 --> 00:30:40,256
Oh, that was a bit of a climb!
518
00:30:40,296 --> 00:30:44,376
And one worth every step.
Just look at that view.
519
00:30:44,416 --> 00:30:46,416
Oh, yes.
520
00:30:47,896 --> 00:30:49,416
Shall I say a few words?
521
00:30:49,456 --> 00:30:51,456
That'll be lovely.
522
00:30:58,096 --> 00:31:03,616
Dearest Donna, you were more than a
friend. More than a woman.
523
00:31:03,656 --> 00:31:07,616
In fact, as in the words of the
great Lionel Ritchie,
524
00:31:07,656 --> 00:31:11,656
you were quite literally
three times a lady.
525
00:31:11,696 --> 00:31:15,856
Incredibly popular.
Amazingly talented.
526
00:31:15,896 --> 00:31:19,816
One of the few women I knew who
could open a bottle of ketchup
527
00:31:19,856 --> 00:31:21,856
without the use of her hands.
528
00:31:21,896 --> 00:31:25,856
Till we meet again, dear Donna.
529
00:31:25,896 --> 00:31:27,896
Rest in peace.
530
00:31:28,936 --> 00:31:30,896
Rest in peace.
531
00:31:32,976 --> 00:31:34,616
What on earth's wrong?
532
00:31:34,656 --> 00:31:37,896
Her head!
They didn't cremate her head!
533
00:31:48,176 --> 00:31:50,176
You know what this reminds me of?
534
00:31:50,216 --> 00:31:52,216
As if I could forget.
535
00:31:52,256 --> 00:31:56,496
Stolen moments together.
Faliraki, '91, '92.
536
00:31:56,536 --> 00:31:58,896
Your wife wasn't stupid.
537
00:31:58,936 --> 00:32:00,936
She knew I had feelings for you.
538
00:32:00,976 --> 00:32:04,976
When Genevieve was on her deathbed,
she said she had a confession.
539
00:32:05,016 --> 00:32:07,016
I said I did, too.
540
00:32:07,056 --> 00:32:10,536
And I told her how much time you and
I had spent together
541
00:32:10,576 --> 00:32:15,656
during that season and those
afternoons of ice cream and kisses.
542
00:32:15,696 --> 00:32:19,376
Oh my goodness.
What was her confession?
543
00:32:21,056 --> 00:32:22,856
For the last ten years of our
marriage,
544
00:32:22,896 --> 00:32:25,536
she'd bought Happy Shopper
instant coffee
545
00:32:25,576 --> 00:32:27,776
and put it in a Nescafe jar.
546
00:32:28,896 --> 00:32:32,616
I think being honest with each other
brought us closer together
547
00:32:32,656 --> 00:32:34,656
for her last few hours.
548
00:32:37,176 --> 00:32:40,736
Strange how fate keeps throwing us
together, Joyce.
549
00:32:43,136 --> 00:32:45,136
Maybe it's a sign.
550
00:32:45,176 --> 00:32:47,696
A sign we shouldn't ignore.
551
00:32:52,456 --> 00:32:54,456
You're dribbling.
552
00:32:54,496 --> 00:32:57,536
I can't really help it.
It's been some time.
553
00:32:57,576 --> 00:32:59,576
No, I mean your ice cream.
554
00:32:59,616 --> 00:33:01,616
Oh, oh!
555
00:33:06,176 --> 00:33:09,016
Now this is what
I call a day off.
556
00:33:09,056 --> 00:33:11,056
Definitely.
557
00:33:15,216 --> 00:33:18,616
Oh my God.
Look at that.
558
00:33:18,656 --> 00:33:21,016
Unless it's a six-foot
Brazilian gymnast
559
00:33:21,056 --> 00:33:23,936
emerging from the sea in nothing but
a see-through thong,
560
00:33:23,976 --> 00:33:25,976
I am not opening my eyes.
561
00:33:26,016 --> 00:33:28,416
It's Joyce Temple-Savage
snogging a tramp.
562
00:33:28,456 --> 00:33:30,456
There are, however, exceptions.
563
00:33:35,096 --> 00:33:37,096
Oh, God!
564
00:33:38,936 --> 00:33:41,896
Where do we go from here,
Joyce?
565
00:33:41,936 --> 00:33:43,936
I'm not sure.
566
00:33:43,976 --> 00:33:47,576
We could always have a quick paddle.
No, I mean in our relationship.
567
00:33:47,616 --> 00:33:51,456
In the talent show of life it feels
as if we're about to go through
568
00:33:51,496 --> 00:33:53,496
to the judge's houses.
569
00:33:53,536 --> 00:33:55,536
I beg your pardon?
570
00:33:55,576 --> 00:33:58,976
Marry me, Joyce.
Let's own the stage together.
571
00:33:59,016 --> 00:34:01,096
Let's make the song our own.
572
00:34:01,136 --> 00:34:03,456
It's a "yes" from me!
573
00:34:08,216 --> 00:34:10,536
What have I done?
It's a head!
574
00:34:10,576 --> 00:34:12,736
Oh my God, it's somebody's head!
575
00:34:25,856 --> 00:34:27,776
What is it?
It's my dad's wig.
576
00:34:27,816 --> 00:34:29,936
What on earth is going on?
577
00:34:29,976 --> 00:34:33,616
It's my dad's wig. These courier
companies are getting very slapdash.
578
00:34:33,656 --> 00:34:35,656
Why isn't your salon open?
579
00:34:35,696 --> 00:34:37,656
We've just been waiting for our
delivery.
580
00:34:37,696 --> 00:34:40,456
Come on, Liam. Where the bloody hell
did that come from?
581
00:34:40,496 --> 00:34:42,496
I have no idea.
582
00:34:42,536 --> 00:34:44,536
It wasn't a head?
583
00:34:44,576 --> 00:34:46,576
No, it was a wig.
584
00:34:46,616 --> 00:34:48,616
I think it's time I went back to
work.
585
00:34:48,656 --> 00:34:51,336
Come on, you could have a bath.
586
00:34:54,296 --> 00:34:57,096
Inocente! Inocente!
587
00:34:57,136 --> 00:34:59,816
Mateo, this has all got out of hand.
588
00:34:59,856 --> 00:35:01,976
Did you not see me winking?
589
00:35:02,016 --> 00:35:03,816
You sacked me.
I have witnesses.
590
00:35:03,856 --> 00:35:06,896
Oh for God's sake.
591
00:35:08,976 --> 00:35:12,736
Mr Castellanos, is it true you deny
all the allegations of harassment
592
00:35:12,776 --> 00:35:15,016
against you? I have spoken to my
solicitor
593
00:35:15,056 --> 00:35:18,256
and the one thing I can say to you is
these 'allegrations'
594
00:35:18,296 --> 00:35:20,296
put inside me are a huge phallus.
595
00:35:20,336 --> 00:35:22,336
Don't you mean 'fallacy'?
596
00:35:22,376 --> 00:35:24,376
Whatever.
597
00:35:24,416 --> 00:35:26,296
It's five Euros an hour.
598
00:35:26,896 --> 00:35:29,016
And as much fizzy pop and crisps as
you can eat.
599
00:35:29,056 --> 00:35:31,656
I'm not seven. It's all inclusive,
anyway.
600
00:35:31,696 --> 00:35:34,136
Look, are you in or are you out?
601
00:35:34,176 --> 00:35:36,176
Yeah, I'm in.
602
00:35:36,216 --> 00:35:38,736
Where do you want these?
Behind that bar.
603
00:35:38,776 --> 00:35:41,616
Then I need you to go on reception
with young Michael.
604
00:35:43,576 --> 00:35:45,576
No problem.
605
00:35:45,616 --> 00:35:47,256
Come on then, get your finger out.
606
00:35:47,296 --> 00:35:49,896
Isn't that what you said to the bloke
you've just sacked?
607
00:35:51,776 --> 00:35:53,696
I love a demonstration.
608
00:35:53,736 --> 00:35:55,776
I for one think it's disgusting.
609
00:35:55,816 --> 00:35:57,656
Up the workers, I say.
610
00:35:57,696 --> 00:36:01,136
Especially that cute one at the end.
What's your stance on the situation?
611
00:36:01,176 --> 00:36:03,176
It's an absolute farce, innit?
I mean...
612
00:36:03,216 --> 00:36:05,136
What are we demonstrating about?
613
00:36:05,176 --> 00:36:07,736
I have been sacked by Lesley.
What? You're joking?
614
00:36:07,776 --> 00:36:09,776
It was bound to happen, wasn't it?
615
00:36:09,816 --> 00:36:12,736
She was a five foot hormonal dam
waiting to burst, that one.
616
00:36:14,296 --> 00:36:16,696
Meanwhile, despite this ongoing
dispute,
617
00:36:16,736 --> 00:36:20,536
Kenneth Du Beke's world-famous hair
and beauty emporium, Blow And Go,
618
00:36:20,576 --> 00:36:22,296
will be open for business
throughout.
619
00:36:22,336 --> 00:36:25,016
Come to Blow And Go just inside the
Hotel Solana.
620
00:36:25,056 --> 00:36:27,056
You'll be glad you did.
621
00:36:28,296 --> 00:36:30,256
Mateo, what on earth is going on?
622
00:36:30,296 --> 00:36:32,296
Ask Lesley. She's the one who sacked
me.
623
00:36:32,336 --> 00:36:35,216
Hey, Squirrel.
Long time, no see.
624
00:36:35,256 --> 00:36:37,976
Are you OK?
Mrs Temple-Savage,
625
00:36:38,016 --> 00:36:42,096
do you have any comment?
Oh! Oh my God!
626
00:36:42,136 --> 00:36:43,896
She most certainly does not!
627
00:36:43,936 --> 00:36:46,936
Give the lady some space, please.
628
00:36:48,176 --> 00:36:50,576
Listen, Mikey, I don't know why
you're scared of me.
629
00:36:50,616 --> 00:36:53,336
I'm not scared of you. I'm just sick
of getting into trouble.
630
00:36:53,376 --> 00:36:55,256
Just having a bit of fun, mate.
631
00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:58,056
But I know what you mean. Things did
start to get a bit hairy.
632
00:36:59,216 --> 00:37:01,216
Truce?
633
00:37:01,256 --> 00:37:03,176
Truce.
Nice one.
634
00:37:04,296 --> 00:37:06,456
Oh. And I know that's not my nana's
scooter.
635
00:37:06,496 --> 00:37:09,496
It's one you've just stolen. Yeah,
well, as long as she's happy.
636
00:37:12,456 --> 00:37:14,456
Yeah, Solana. What do you want?
637
00:37:14,496 --> 00:37:16,976
Mrs Temple-Savage. What are you
doing here?
638
00:37:20,536 --> 00:37:22,576
What the hell's going on?
639
00:37:22,616 --> 00:37:25,536
We're just experiencing a minor
staff malfunction,
640
00:37:25,576 --> 00:37:28,296
but I've got everything under
control. Under control?
641
00:37:28,336 --> 00:37:30,576
It's like a scene from Oliver!!
642
00:37:30,616 --> 00:37:32,976
Get Mateo and those workers back in
here
643
00:37:33,016 --> 00:37:35,016
and get rid of these children now!
644
00:37:35,056 --> 00:37:37,296
But, Mrs Temple-Savage -
Now!
645
00:37:37,336 --> 00:37:39,616
There you go.
Special delivery.
646
00:37:39,656 --> 00:37:41,656
What have you done to it?
647
00:37:41,696 --> 00:37:44,736
Come on, let's get to a telly. I
hope they don't make me look fat.
648
00:37:46,136 --> 00:37:48,136
Lesley!
649
00:37:50,576 --> 00:37:53,496
Hello, I'd like to book a single
room for a -
650
00:37:53,536 --> 00:37:56,096
For goodness sake, get away from
that desk!
651
00:37:56,136 --> 00:37:58,136
Go on, get away.
652
00:37:59,216 --> 00:38:02,296
Joyce, this is absolute chaos.
I know.
653
00:38:02,336 --> 00:38:04,816
I leave the place for half a day and
look at it.
654
00:38:04,856 --> 00:38:08,896
It's ridiculous, you trying to run
this whole place single-handed.
655
00:38:08,936 --> 00:38:12,536
I know. I had my eye on Lesley as
assistant manager
656
00:38:12,576 --> 00:38:15,936
but after this she'll be lucky if I
keep her on mopping floors.
657
00:38:17,896 --> 00:38:19,536
What? What is it?
658
00:38:19,576 --> 00:38:23,176
Of course.
You could do it!
659
00:38:23,216 --> 00:38:27,496
I appreciate the offer, but mopping
floors isn't exactly my -
660
00:38:27,536 --> 00:38:30,696
Cyril, I wouldn't ask you to mop a
floor.
661
00:38:31,696 --> 00:38:34,776
I'm talking about assistant manager.
662
00:38:34,816 --> 00:38:37,536
Joyce, I... I don't know what to say.
663
00:38:37,576 --> 00:38:39,576
Let's get you cleaned up.
664
00:38:40,816 --> 00:38:43,096
I'm going to put you
in the bridal suite.
665
00:38:43,136 --> 00:38:46,536
It's got a four-speed jacuzzi and I
could always come in and...
666
00:38:47,536 --> 00:38:49,536
..wash your back for you.
667
00:38:49,576 --> 00:38:51,576
Let's not rush into things, Joyce.
668
00:38:51,616 --> 00:38:55,696
It's been a while since I've
been... intimate with anyone.
669
00:38:55,736 --> 00:38:58,896
I need a while to, well... get my
bearings.
670
00:39:02,256 --> 00:39:05,896
Get your bearings? I think I'll need
a map and compass.
671
00:39:08,564 --> 00:39:10,764
♪ What a day this has been
672
00:39:10,916 --> 00:39:13,676
♪ What a rare mood I'm in
673
00:39:13,716 --> 00:39:18,236
♪ Why, it's almost like being in
love... ♪
674
00:39:19,196 --> 00:39:21,636
What a day.
I know.
675
00:39:21,676 --> 00:39:25,236
Drink up, I've ordered another two.
Purely medicinal, of course.
676
00:39:25,276 --> 00:39:28,156
It didn't even look like Donna.
677
00:39:28,196 --> 00:39:31,956
You don't think they sent the wrong
person, do you?
678
00:39:31,996 --> 00:39:34,236
How many times do I
have to tell you?
679
00:39:34,276 --> 00:39:37,076
That was a representation of Donna.
680
00:39:37,116 --> 00:39:41,156
It's very Egyptian including a bust
of yourself
681
00:39:41,196 --> 00:39:43,236
along with your last worldly goods.
682
00:39:43,276 --> 00:39:46,236
How do you know so much about all
this?
683
00:39:46,276 --> 00:39:48,356
Old Necro Norris the undertaker
684
00:39:48,396 --> 00:39:50,756
was very knowledgeable
about these matters.
685
00:39:50,796 --> 00:39:54,316
♪ And from the way that I feel... ♪
686
00:39:54,356 --> 00:39:57,396
Mr and Mrs Stewart?
Yes?
687
00:39:57,436 --> 00:40:00,036
This box came for you today,
but nobody could find you.
688
00:40:02,796 --> 00:40:05,156
Hello? Did you hear me?
689
00:40:05,196 --> 00:40:09,356
Yes, yes. Er, sorry, erm...
690
00:40:09,396 --> 00:40:11,396
Thank you.
No problem.
691
00:40:18,156 --> 00:40:20,436
Thank you! See you all again after
the break.
692
00:40:20,476 --> 00:40:22,276
Take it, Dave.
693
00:40:22,316 --> 00:40:25,676
I'm sorry, Mrs Temple-Savage.
I don't know what came over me.
694
00:40:25,716 --> 00:40:29,156
People being assaulted in their
rooms, child labour,
695
00:40:29,196 --> 00:40:30,276
a staff walkout.
696
00:40:30,316 --> 00:40:34,036
Holiday makers being propositioned
in communal areas!
697
00:40:34,076 --> 00:40:36,276
Now that was Mateo -
No, Lesley.
698
00:40:36,316 --> 00:40:38,876
It was your responsibility under
YOUR watch.
699
00:40:38,916 --> 00:40:41,396
That's what working in management is
all about.
700
00:40:41,436 --> 00:40:45,236
When I was under Richard Branson and
things got hard,
701
00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:47,476
I never tried to wriggle out of it.
702
00:40:49,556 --> 00:40:53,036
The thing is, Lesley,
some were born to lead
703
00:40:53,076 --> 00:40:57,556
while others merely to follow.
I'll get us a table.
704
00:40:58,836 --> 00:41:00,716
I'm sorry, Mrs Temple-Savage.
705
00:41:00,756 --> 00:41:03,596
I suppose that assistant manager
job's out the window.
706
00:41:03,636 --> 00:41:05,796
I'm sorry, Lesley.
You've more chance
707
00:41:05,836 --> 00:41:08,476
of becoming Miss Benidorm 2013.
708
00:41:13,396 --> 00:41:16,156
I think I'd better get pressing a
bit of flesh.
709
00:41:16,196 --> 00:41:18,916
Aren't you and Mr Babcock going to
have dinner first?
710
00:41:22,596 --> 00:41:25,596
I'm talking about appeasing our
clientele.
711
00:41:25,636 --> 00:41:27,636
I'm sorry.
712
00:41:28,836 --> 00:41:30,836
That was absolutely lovely.
713
00:41:30,876 --> 00:41:33,076
I thought that chicken
was a bit dry.
714
00:41:33,116 --> 00:41:36,556
Yeah, it was horrible. They're
catering for a lot of people.
715
00:41:36,596 --> 00:41:38,636
I think they do a smashing job.
716
00:41:39,836 --> 00:41:41,436
Do you want to go out for a cig,
Mam?
717
00:41:41,476 --> 00:41:44,076
- No, I'm stopping.
- What?!
718
00:41:44,116 --> 00:41:46,916
What do you mean, stopping?
I'm stopping smoking.
719
00:41:49,916 --> 00:41:53,196
Ooh, look.
Sponge and custard!
720
00:41:57,636 --> 00:41:59,636
It's like an old people's home in
here.
721
00:41:59,676 --> 00:42:02,476
This is officially the worst holiday
I've ever had.
722
00:42:02,516 --> 00:42:03,796
Think yourself lucky.
723
00:42:03,836 --> 00:42:06,796
At least you didn't get groped by a
dirty old man today.
724
00:42:06,836 --> 00:42:09,876
Didn't I? Who in their right mind
would grope you?
725
00:42:09,916 --> 00:42:11,796
Shut up. What are you talking about,
baby?
726
00:42:11,836 --> 00:42:14,236
I knew they wouldn't sack him.
Wouldn't sack who?
727
00:42:16,596 --> 00:42:19,236
Bianca!
What's been going on?
728
00:42:19,276 --> 00:42:20,956
I said I don't want
to talk about it!
729
00:42:20,996 --> 00:42:22,996
Now look what you've done.
730
00:42:28,396 --> 00:42:30,956
"Dear Donald and Jacqueline.
731
00:42:30,996 --> 00:42:36,716
Please find enclosed the last
remains of dear departed Donna.
732
00:42:36,756 --> 00:42:40,596
Give her a good send off, guys."
733
00:42:40,636 --> 00:42:44,356
So, if these are Donna's ashes,
734
00:42:44,396 --> 00:42:47,756
what was that we tipped into the sea
today?
735
00:42:47,796 --> 00:42:51,636
I don't know. But I'm not sure I can
go through all that again.
736
00:42:51,676 --> 00:42:53,756
Me neither.
737
00:42:53,796 --> 00:42:56,916
Let's finish our dinner,
sleep on it,
738
00:42:56,956 --> 00:42:59,156
and decide what to do with her in
the morning.
739
00:42:59,196 --> 00:43:01,196
Yeah.
740
00:43:05,556 --> 00:43:08,716
It's no good, I can't get a minute
to myself in here.
741
00:43:08,756 --> 00:43:12,916
I'd say let's go somewhere else, but
as you know, I'm absolutely broke.
742
00:43:12,956 --> 00:43:16,276
Cyril?
Yes, Joyce?
743
00:43:16,316 --> 00:43:19,876
Would you like to have your pudding
in my room?
744
00:43:19,916 --> 00:43:22,476
I haven't seen what's on offer yet.
745
00:43:22,516 --> 00:43:24,676
I think you know exactly what's on
offer.
746
00:43:24,716 --> 00:43:27,916
Joyce. I've been calling you all
afternoon.
747
00:43:27,956 --> 00:43:30,436
Oh. I don't have my phone with me.
748
00:43:30,476 --> 00:43:34,796
Cyril, this is Beverley Westwood.
He manages the Hotel Alberta.
749
00:43:36,356 --> 00:43:38,796
Look, I'm sorry about this lunchtime.
750
00:43:38,836 --> 00:43:41,676
I came out of the restaurant and you
must have gone to the loo.
751
00:43:41,716 --> 00:43:44,436
Unfortunately, I had to head back to
the hotel.
752
00:43:44,476 --> 00:43:48,396
But I've completely cleared my diary
for this evening.
753
00:43:49,596 --> 00:43:52,636
I'm sorry, Beverley. This evening
isn't convenient.
754
00:43:52,676 --> 00:43:54,676
I've booked a table at The Belroy.
755
00:43:54,716 --> 00:43:57,996
I'm sorry, Beverley. I don't think
you quite understand.
756
00:43:58,036 --> 00:44:01,396
Do you know how difficult it is to
get a table at The Belroy?
757
00:44:01,436 --> 00:44:03,436
No, my friend.
758
00:44:03,476 --> 00:44:05,596
I don't think YOU understand.
759
00:44:05,636 --> 00:44:09,156
Who's he? Now please, Beverley.
Don't make a scene.
760
00:44:09,196 --> 00:44:11,996
Hang on a minute, I recognise you.
761
00:44:12,036 --> 00:44:15,716
Didn't I have you thrown out of the
grounds of my hotel last week
762
00:44:15,756 --> 00:44:17,636
for going through the bins?
763
00:44:17,676 --> 00:44:19,836
I very much doubt it.
764
00:44:19,876 --> 00:44:22,156
So this is what you're turning me
down for, Joyce?
765
00:44:22,196 --> 00:44:23,996
A dirty old tramp?
766
00:44:24,036 --> 00:44:25,796
Say that again.
Gladly.
767
00:44:25,836 --> 00:44:29,876
A dirty old desperate
embarrassing tramp!
768
00:44:29,916 --> 00:44:33,276
You have ten seconds to leave,
769
00:44:33,316 --> 00:44:35,916
before you get a bloody good
pasting.
770
00:44:35,956 --> 00:44:39,116
You what? You couldn't paste a roll
of wallpaper!
771
00:44:40,876 --> 00:44:43,396
Boys, boys, please...
772
00:44:43,436 --> 00:44:46,356
Where do you think you're going?
I didn't do anything, I swear.
773
00:44:46,396 --> 00:44:50,276
Didn't do anything? My daughter is
absolutely inconsolable!
774
00:44:50,316 --> 00:44:51,676
Mum, just leave it!
775
00:44:51,716 --> 00:44:54,076
Is he the one that touched you?
776
00:44:54,116 --> 00:44:56,556
OK, so maybe I touched her hair, but
this was all -
777
00:44:56,596 --> 00:45:00,436
You touched my daughter's hair?
What kind of a pervert are you?
778
00:45:00,476 --> 00:45:03,996
Excuse me! We can't see the stage!
779
00:45:04,036 --> 00:45:05,316
Come on, just calm it down.
780
00:45:05,356 --> 00:45:06,916
Get out of my way!
781
00:45:06,956 --> 00:45:09,236
You, me, outside, now!
782
00:45:09,276 --> 00:45:11,916
Don't worry. I'll look
after this one. Ow!
783
00:45:11,956 --> 00:45:13,956
Come here, you!
784
00:45:13,996 --> 00:45:18,276
Well, I suppose I should let you
know what's going on.
785
00:45:18,316 --> 00:45:21,716
What? You're right. I have had what
you might call
786
00:45:21,756 --> 00:45:23,876
a different outlook on life
recently.
787
00:45:23,916 --> 00:45:25,916
And for good reason.
788
00:45:25,956 --> 00:45:27,396
Go on.
789
00:45:27,436 --> 00:45:29,996
Well, I've kept it to myself, but...
790
00:45:31,036 --> 00:45:35,596
..five months ago to the day,
I went to see Dr Kundu.
791
00:45:36,596 --> 00:45:38,596
And... well...
792
00:45:39,916 --> 00:45:41,916
..he gave me six months to live.
793
00:45:50,356 --> 00:45:52,356
I probably should have told you.
794
00:45:56,116 --> 00:45:58,196
You! It was you in my room!
795
00:45:58,236 --> 00:46:01,276
This place is full of perverts!
796
00:46:10,636 --> 00:46:13,276
♪ Don't give us none of your
aggravation
797
00:46:13,316 --> 00:46:15,956
♪ We've had it with your discipline
798
00:46:15,996 --> 00:46:19,537
♪ Saturday night's all right for
fighting... ♪
799
00:46:19,561 --> 00:46:51,547
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
800
00:46:51,597 --> 00:46:56,147
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