Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:02,815 --> 00:01:05,255
Oh! Hello.
2
00:01:05,295 --> 00:01:07,415
What do you mean "oh"?
3
00:01:07,455 --> 00:01:09,615
I didn't mean "oh",
I just meant "hello".
4
00:01:09,655 --> 00:01:11,255
Hello.
5
00:01:11,295 --> 00:01:14,295
You don't remember anything
from last night, do you?
6
00:01:14,335 --> 00:01:17,175
No, but I wish I did.
7
00:01:17,215 --> 00:01:20,375
You're so funny. I bet you don't
even remember my name.
8
00:01:20,415 --> 00:01:23,495
Of course I know your name...
9
00:01:24,935 --> 00:01:26,655
Silly!
10
00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:28,815
Go on, then. What is it?
11
00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:31,495
Your name... is...
12
00:01:32,415 --> 00:01:34,015
..not...
13
00:01:34,055 --> 00:01:35,455
Gwen?
14
00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:39,615
That's right, Martin.
My name is NOT Gwen.
15
00:01:41,295 --> 00:01:43,775
Sorry, I know this appears
awfully rude.
16
00:01:43,815 --> 00:01:46,895
I just... haven't
woken up properly yet.
17
00:01:46,935 --> 00:01:50,335
Neither have I, but I remember:
your name's Martin,
18
00:01:50,375 --> 00:01:54,575
you've been here for a few days
with your friends, before you go to your villa in Murcia.
19
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:58,655
Do you have to go? My mum and dad
will be wondering where I am.
20
00:01:58,695 --> 00:02:01,375
You're on holiday
with your mum and dad? Yeah.
21
00:02:01,415 --> 00:02:06,415
Come and say hello to them.
By then, you might have remembered to wish me a happy birthday.
22
00:02:06,455 --> 00:02:08,495
It's your birthday? Today?!
23
00:02:08,535 --> 00:02:11,495
Oh, my goodness! Happy birthday!
24
00:02:11,535 --> 00:02:13,455
Thank you!
25
00:02:13,495 --> 00:02:16,055
You sure you don't want
to stay in bed a bit longer?
26
00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:18,215
I'd better go.
27
00:02:18,255 --> 00:02:20,575
It's not every day
a girl turns 16!
28
00:02:20,615 --> 00:02:23,015
Well, happy birth... WHAT?!
29
00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:25,095
Oh-my-God, oh-my-God, oh-my-God!
30
00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:29,775
Well, that's the last of the sand.
31
00:02:29,815 --> 00:02:33,015
Any more and the Levante beach will
be borrowing bags of it from us!
32
00:02:33,055 --> 00:02:35,615
Yeah. It's wonderful, isn't it?!
33
00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:36,935
Hmm...
34
00:02:36,975 --> 00:02:39,255
What's wrong with you?
35
00:02:39,295 --> 00:02:42,695
Well, if people want the beach,
they can go to the beach.
36
00:02:42,735 --> 00:02:45,255
I don't see the point of it,
to be honest.
37
00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:48,655
And that, Lesley, is why
you are staff and I am management.
38
00:02:48,695 --> 00:02:51,335
To get ahead of the field,
one has to have a vision
39
00:02:51,375 --> 00:02:54,575
for the ever-changing face
of the all-inclusive.
40
00:02:54,615 --> 00:02:58,735
Talking about "ever-changing face",
is everything OK? What do you mean?
41
00:02:58,775 --> 00:03:03,375
I don't want to sound rude,
but you look like you had a fight with your make-up bag... and lost!
42
00:03:03,415 --> 00:03:07,575
I had a slight reaction
to some medication I took last night.
43
00:03:07,615 --> 00:03:10,375
Ah! I see.
That's why you've trowelled it on.
44
00:03:11,415 --> 00:03:14,935
I tend to think "less is more"
when it comes to foundation.
45
00:03:15,615 --> 00:03:20,575
Thank you, Lesley, but do I
look like I need make-up tips from an ageing drag queen?
46
00:03:20,615 --> 00:03:22,615
Oh, I see! I'm sorry.
47
00:03:22,655 --> 00:03:25,135
I didn't realise that was the look
you were going for.
48
00:03:25,175 --> 00:03:26,935
What's going on here?
49
00:03:26,975 --> 00:03:29,255
Welcome to the Solana Beach,
Benidorm!
50
00:03:29,295 --> 00:03:31,935
That's not a beach,
it's a builder's yard!
51
00:03:31,975 --> 00:03:33,575
It's not finished yet.
52
00:03:33,615 --> 00:03:37,015
Want us to set up a sun bed and
a table on it for you? No, I don't.
53
00:03:37,055 --> 00:03:40,095
Food here's bad enough without
getting a gobful of sand in it.
54
00:03:40,135 --> 00:03:42,135
Get out my way!
55
00:03:44,375 --> 00:03:47,935
The ever-changing face of the
all-inclusive could do with a lift.
56
00:03:47,975 --> 00:03:50,895
Oh!
No, I meant that one.
57
00:04:12,455 --> 00:04:16,855
Hey! Good luck trying to leave.
The police have got this place surrounded.
58
00:04:16,895 --> 00:04:19,655
What?! Oh, my God,
I had no idea how old she was!
59
00:04:19,695 --> 00:04:22,095
Please, you've got to believe me.
You what?
60
00:04:22,135 --> 00:04:24,615
I can't go to prison.
I wouldn't last a day!
61
00:04:24,655 --> 00:04:28,095
Locked up like a caged animal,
being disowned by my family,
62
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,775
getting raped in the showers
by Mr Big.
63
00:04:30,815 --> 00:04:33,015
Whoa, whoa! Calm down, pal.
It was a joke.
64
00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:36,095
What? I was taking the mickey
cos you were creeping about.
65
00:04:36,135 --> 00:04:39,855
The police aren't outside?
No. Well, I didn't see any.
66
00:04:39,895 --> 00:04:41,895
Oh, thank God! Thank God.
67
00:04:43,815 --> 00:04:47,095
I shouldn't be here.
I've made a terrible misjudgment.
68
00:04:47,135 --> 00:04:51,535
Yeah. We thought about Tenerife
this year. It's probably no better, once you're there.
69
00:04:51,575 --> 00:04:54,415
No, no, no, I mean,
something has happened HERE, and...
70
00:04:54,455 --> 00:04:57,615
Oh, my God. There she is.
And that must be her father.
71
00:04:57,655 --> 00:05:01,015
You're not mixed up with that lot,
are you? Why?
72
00:05:01,055 --> 00:05:04,295
Give the one in the glasses
a wide birth. Absolute nutcase.
73
00:05:04,335 --> 00:05:07,895
Oh, God...
74
00:05:07,935 --> 00:05:10,375
Please, you have to help me.
75
00:05:10,415 --> 00:05:14,575
I think this man is going to hurt me.
Should I call you an ambulance?
76
00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:17,095
I'm Clive Dyke, Bianca's father.
77
00:05:17,135 --> 00:05:20,375
Mr Clive, I'm sorry, I didn't know
your daughter was a Dyke. What?
78
00:05:20,415 --> 00:05:23,055
Mr Dyke, I'm sorry,
I didn't know your Clive was a minor.
79
00:05:23,095 --> 00:05:25,655
I mean...
I call the ambulance now, yes?
80
00:05:25,695 --> 00:05:28,255
I'm not a miner, I'm a builder.
81
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:31,495
Listen, Bianca said
that I should have a word with you.
82
00:05:31,535 --> 00:05:34,055
She... she did?
Yeah.
83
00:05:34,095 --> 00:05:36,895
Are you feeling all right?
Not really, no.
84
00:05:36,935 --> 00:05:40,775
We'll be round the pool.
If I don't see you this morning...
85
00:05:40,815 --> 00:05:44,735
Well, it's a small place.
I'm sure I'll find you.
86
00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:48,055
I understand.
87
00:05:53,815 --> 00:05:55,815
I think he likes you.
88
00:06:04,535 --> 00:06:07,335
Right, Maureen, that's you done.
89
00:06:07,375 --> 00:06:11,015
Any longer under that dryer,
there'll be nothing left of you.
90
00:06:11,855 --> 00:06:14,135
Aw... Bless!
91
00:06:16,935 --> 00:06:21,495
♪ I'm every woman!
It's all in me! ♪
92
00:06:21,535 --> 00:06:24,735
Well, it was last night.
I tell you, that Old Town is filthy.
93
00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:27,295
Ssssshhh!
Is that Maureen?
94
00:06:27,335 --> 00:06:29,535
Yeah. She fell asleep.
95
00:06:30,415 --> 00:06:32,415
Maureen?
96
00:06:33,255 --> 00:06:37,095
Maureen! Hey,
don't do that! You'll wake her!
97
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:40,775
How long has she been like that?
She's been under the dryer about half an hour.
98
00:06:40,815 --> 00:06:43,175
I'll wake her up in a few minutes.
99
00:06:43,215 --> 00:06:45,495
She looks so peaceful.
100
00:06:45,535 --> 00:06:48,175
Yeah, a bit too peaceful.
What do you mean?
101
00:06:48,215 --> 00:06:50,295
What do you think I mean?
I don't know.
102
00:06:50,335 --> 00:06:52,215
Let's look at the evidence.
103
00:06:52,255 --> 00:06:54,615
We have a pensioner
under an electric dryer.
104
00:06:54,655 --> 00:06:58,135
She's not moving, eyes closed,
not responding to her name.
105
00:06:58,175 --> 00:07:01,815
I can't see any signs of breathing.
What are you trying to say?
106
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:06,335
For God's sake, what do you want?
Angela Lansbury holding a rectal thermometer? She's dead!
107
00:07:06,375 --> 00:07:08,375
What?
Look at her!
108
00:07:12,735 --> 00:07:15,055
Oh, my goodness!
Pass that mirror.
109
00:07:15,095 --> 00:07:18,295
Why? If she's dead, she won't care
what her hair looks like.
110
00:07:18,335 --> 00:07:21,375
To put over her mouth, dickhead,
see if she's breathing. Oh!
111
00:07:25,175 --> 00:07:27,095
Hello!
Waaahhhhhh!
112
00:07:27,135 --> 00:07:29,135
What do you want?!
I want to speak to you.
113
00:07:29,175 --> 00:07:32,455
Get out! We're closed!
You're not. You've got a customer.
114
00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:35,975
That is not a customer.
That is Liam's grandmother. What?
115
00:07:41,855 --> 00:07:44,575
Now, what did you want?
Don't leave me in there with her!
116
00:07:44,615 --> 00:07:47,535
What's wrong with you? Liam
and his grandmother don't get on.
117
00:07:47,575 --> 00:07:50,015
What are we gonna do?
Shut up!
118
00:07:50,055 --> 00:07:52,055
There's a euro.
119
00:07:52,095 --> 00:07:55,015
Go and play on the machines.
What machines? Just go!
120
00:07:55,055 --> 00:07:57,495
Oh, he is such a perfectionist.
121
00:07:57,535 --> 00:08:01,975
I mean, his granny's hair is
so delicate. It's like spun gold.
122
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:04,655
He's done his best,
but she's dead and lifeless.
123
00:08:04,695 --> 00:08:08,535
No, the hair. I mean the hair,
the hair is dead and lifeless.
124
00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:10,735
I was looking for Mateo.
125
00:08:10,775 --> 00:08:13,895
I need him to set up
the beach volleyball near the pool.
126
00:08:13,935 --> 00:08:16,535
Oh, yeah, we saw the sand
being delivered last night.
127
00:08:16,575 --> 00:08:19,335
It must be to go with the cement
in your make-up drawer.
128
00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:21,095
Most amusing!
129
00:08:23,175 --> 00:08:25,815
Jose, love,
large sambuca, por favor.
130
00:08:25,855 --> 00:08:27,335
Ooh...
131
00:08:36,375 --> 00:08:39,295
Anything interesting?
It's Gay Derek.
132
00:08:39,335 --> 00:08:42,135
Oh, tell him "bottoms up" from me!
133
00:08:43,895 --> 00:08:45,895
Nine down.
134
00:08:45,935 --> 00:08:48,615
Who is the Greek god of music?
135
00:08:48,655 --> 00:08:53,215
Now, I know it's Demis Roussos,
but for some reason it doesn't fit.
136
00:08:53,255 --> 00:08:56,135
Apparently, Big Donna's last wish
137
00:08:56,175 --> 00:08:59,095
was to have her ashes scattered
here in Benidorm.
138
00:08:59,135 --> 00:09:03,935
Aw! Shame she didn't die
a couple of weeks earlier. We could have brought them.
139
00:09:03,975 --> 00:09:07,295
Derek says the Middlesbrough
Swingers' Association coffers
140
00:09:07,335 --> 00:09:10,215
don't run to one of them
flying out with her remains.
141
00:09:10,255 --> 00:09:14,335
So he's asking if he can post them
to us at the Solana.
142
00:09:14,375 --> 00:09:16,815
Oh, yeah, he could do that,
no bother.
143
00:09:16,855 --> 00:09:18,895
Expect there's
rather a lot of ashes.
144
00:09:18,935 --> 00:09:22,455
Well, there was rather a lot
of Donna.
145
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:26,495
It's still going to cost more than
£80 to send them express delivery.
146
00:09:26,535 --> 00:09:28,295
Oh, 'eck!
147
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:31,575
Can't they just send
a couple of legs?
148
00:09:31,615 --> 00:09:33,695
We'll pay for it.
What?!
149
00:09:33,735 --> 00:09:36,575
Donna was one of the best.
It's the least we can do.
150
00:09:36,615 --> 00:09:40,775
Well, if you really think so.
Oh, yes.
151
00:09:40,815 --> 00:09:43,735
What a wonderful gesture, Donald.
152
00:09:43,775 --> 00:09:47,815
Do you know what?
I love the fact that, after all these years together,
153
00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:50,095
you can still surprise me.
154
00:09:50,135 --> 00:09:53,215
Plus I've still got
Donna's leather basque
155
00:09:53,255 --> 00:09:56,175
that I borrowed to wear
at the MSA Christmas CookOut.
156
00:09:56,215 --> 00:10:00,095
It's worth a hundred pounds,
so I'm still 20 up on the deal.
157
00:10:00,135 --> 00:10:02,135
Oh, lovely!
158
00:10:02,175 --> 00:10:05,215
Hey! You have to move from here.
159
00:10:05,255 --> 00:10:07,495
We've only just got here!
160
00:10:07,535 --> 00:10:09,775
We are making
a volleyball competition.
161
00:10:09,815 --> 00:10:13,535
Volleyball, you say?
Put us down. Mr and Mrs Stewart.
162
00:10:13,575 --> 00:10:15,295
YOU play volleyball?
163
00:10:15,335 --> 00:10:22,575
Middlesbrough mixed doubles
champions 1978 to 1986.
164
00:10:22,615 --> 00:10:24,175
Wow.
165
00:10:24,215 --> 00:10:27,855
Jacqueline, I think it's time
to pull on some Lycra.
166
00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:29,895
Oh-oh-ho, yes!
167
00:10:34,833 --> 00:10:37,111
What are they doing now?
168
00:10:37,112 --> 00:10:40,312
Typical! They've made a piss-poor
attempt at making a beach.
169
00:10:40,402 --> 00:10:44,122
Now they're gonna play tennis on it
so people can't even sunbathe.
170
00:10:44,162 --> 00:10:46,362
That's a very high net for tennis.
171
00:10:46,402 --> 00:10:52,282
That woman running this place is
about as much use as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition.
172
00:10:52,322 --> 00:10:55,962
Volleyball. You what? It's not
for tennis. It's volleyball.
173
00:10:56,002 --> 00:10:58,202
Did you not watch our team
in the Olympics?
174
00:10:58,242 --> 00:11:02,442
I know someone who did.
Five days you rang in sick, to watch women's volleyball.
175
00:11:02,482 --> 00:11:05,242
It's a shame a few more people
aren't patriotic like me.
176
00:11:05,282 --> 00:11:10,402
What does "patriotic" mean?
Watching telly with the curtains shut and the door locked.
177
00:11:11,202 --> 00:11:13,562
Right, I'm off to play volleyball.
178
00:11:13,602 --> 00:11:16,922
I'll be on your team, son.
You're all right, I'll ask Tiger.
179
00:11:16,962 --> 00:11:20,882
Aw! You're not gonna let him hang
around with that hooligan, are you?
180
00:11:20,922 --> 00:11:24,202
Tiger's not an 'ooligan.
He's our Michael's friend.
181
00:11:24,242 --> 00:11:26,562
I was talking about our Michael.
182
00:11:31,402 --> 00:11:34,722
What are we going to do?
We can't just leave her in there.
183
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:37,082
Shhh! I'm thinking.
184
00:11:38,042 --> 00:11:40,162
Dead bodies start to smell
after a bit.
185
00:11:40,962 --> 00:11:43,082
This is Maureen
we're talking about.
186
00:11:43,122 --> 00:11:46,482
Lives alone with her six cats
on the Benidorm caravan park.
187
00:11:46,522 --> 00:11:49,402
Didn't exactly smell like
Chanel No.5 to start with.
188
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:51,562
More like
English Channel number two.
189
00:11:52,482 --> 00:11:54,482
I hope you've paid for those drinks.
190
00:11:55,202 --> 00:11:58,562
I am a very successful entrepreneur.
Of course I've paid for them!
191
00:11:58,602 --> 00:12:02,042
Yes. Just think
how much MORE successful you'd be
192
00:12:02,082 --> 00:12:04,242
if your salon was ever open!
193
00:12:04,282 --> 00:12:06,602
We operate
a strict closed-door policy.
194
00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:10,962
We have a very exclusive client list
who often require total anonymity.
195
00:12:11,002 --> 00:12:15,402
What?! I don't call Sticky Vicky and
the clown from the Benidorm Circus
196
00:12:15,442 --> 00:12:17,442
an exclusive client list.
197
00:12:17,482 --> 00:12:20,042
We are not at liberty
to discuss our clientele.
198
00:12:20,082 --> 00:12:25,442
Exactly! Suffice to say,
we are only 40 minutes away from the Alicante film studios.
199
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:27,842
I can say nothing more.
200
00:12:30,442 --> 00:12:33,322
You've had... film stars...
201
00:12:33,362 --> 00:12:35,402
in your salon?
202
00:12:35,442 --> 00:12:38,362
Who?
We've already said too much.
203
00:12:39,282 --> 00:12:41,722
All I can say is...
204
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,082
have you ever seen
the James Bond films?
205
00:12:45,002 --> 00:12:46,962
Course I have!
Well...
206
00:12:48,122 --> 00:12:50,122
The only clue I can give you is...
207
00:12:51,762 --> 00:12:54,082
M.
M.
208
00:12:54,122 --> 00:12:55,602
M.
Muh...
209
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:57,642
Moore! Moore! Roger Moore!
210
00:12:57,682 --> 00:12:59,882
Roger Moore isn't a woman!
211
00:13:01,202 --> 00:13:04,162
Judi.
I can't hear you.
212
00:13:04,202 --> 00:13:06,282
Judi.
213
00:13:07,402 --> 00:13:09,922
I still can't hear you.
Judi.
214
00:13:09,962 --> 00:13:12,242
Judi who?
Oh, for heaven's sake, Judi Dench!
215
00:13:12,282 --> 00:13:14,162
What is wrong with you?!
I'm sorry.
216
00:13:14,202 --> 00:13:17,522
Do you want to ruin our client
confidentiality? No, I don't.
217
00:13:19,122 --> 00:13:21,242
Listen, you can rely on me.
218
00:13:21,762 --> 00:13:25,122
My late father was a handyman
to the stars.
219
00:13:25,162 --> 00:13:30,762
He once erected an African thatched
gazebo for Bernard Manning. Ooh!
220
00:13:30,802 --> 00:13:34,282
And I've kept that mum
for nearly 40 years!
221
00:13:34,322 --> 00:13:36,922
So... YOU know...
222
00:13:36,962 --> 00:13:38,962
your secret is safe with me.
223
00:13:40,762 --> 00:13:41,962
Great.
224
00:13:42,002 --> 00:13:44,122
Please give...
225
00:13:44,162 --> 00:13:46,202
our special guest...
226
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:48,242
my very best wishes.
227
00:13:50,962 --> 00:13:52,362
Will do.
228
00:13:59,762 --> 00:14:04,522
I don't mean to spoil your fun,
but we still have a dead pensioner's corpse rotting under our dryer.
229
00:14:04,562 --> 00:14:06,362
Jose, another round, love.
230
00:14:21,082 --> 00:14:22,762
Hello. I need a drink.
231
00:14:22,802 --> 00:14:24,962
That's why I'm here.
What can I get you?
232
00:14:25,002 --> 00:14:28,282
Something short and strong.
How about an Angry Dwarf?
233
00:14:28,322 --> 00:14:32,002
Very funny! Just give me a drink,
please. Oh!
234
00:14:32,042 --> 00:14:35,762
An Angry Dwarf... It's a shot.
235
00:14:35,802 --> 00:14:37,842
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yes, yes, that'll be fine.
236
00:14:39,682 --> 00:14:42,762
Friends not wi' you? No.
They were only here for the weekend.
237
00:14:42,802 --> 00:14:44,922
I'm travelling on somewhere else
tomorrow.
238
00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:51,522
Dear... God, what is that?!
239
00:14:51,562 --> 00:14:53,642
I told you, it's an Angry Dwarf.
240
00:14:53,682 --> 00:14:56,602
No, what's in it?
Oh! I can't feel my mouth.
241
00:14:56,642 --> 00:14:58,802
Yeah, it's good stuff.
Do you want another?
242
00:15:02,882 --> 00:15:05,082
Everything OK?
243
00:15:06,162 --> 00:15:09,562
I've done... something... terrible.
244
00:15:10,482 --> 00:15:12,202
And now...
245
00:15:12,242 --> 00:15:14,082
I have to face the music.
246
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:18,322
That wasn't you singing
The Frog Chorus on the karaoke last night, was it? No.
247
00:15:18,362 --> 00:15:21,442
You can have a crack at it tonight.
It's a karaoke competition.
248
00:15:21,482 --> 00:15:25,922
Some people may call me a monster,
others may do worse,
249
00:15:25,962 --> 00:15:29,322
but I will NEVER be accused
of being a coward.
250
00:15:30,482 --> 00:15:32,802
Coward Of The County! Kenny Rogers!
Brilliant!
251
00:15:32,842 --> 00:15:35,922
I'll put you down for that one!
Eh?
252
00:15:35,962 --> 00:15:40,682
♪ Everyone considered him
the coward of the county... ♪
253
00:15:43,922 --> 00:15:46,842
Hello.
I thought you'd done a runner.
254
00:15:46,882 --> 00:15:49,442
It's Martin, isn't it?
Er... Yes.
255
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:52,322
Yes, it is.
Sit down.
256
00:15:54,442 --> 00:15:56,882
I'm Tonya. Bianca's mother.
257
00:15:56,922 --> 00:15:59,362
Hello.
Now...
258
00:15:59,402 --> 00:16:02,522
You know why I want to talk to you,
don't you? Yes.
259
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:04,562
Yes, sir, I do.
Good.
260
00:16:04,602 --> 00:16:07,562
Because Bianca told me
basically what you've done,
261
00:16:07,602 --> 00:16:11,522
but I was wondering whether
you'd be willing to go into details.
262
00:16:11,562 --> 00:16:13,882
What?!
Unless you'd prefer not to.
263
00:16:13,922 --> 00:16:16,962
I'm not proud of what I've done.
You're not?
264
00:16:17,002 --> 00:16:19,882
No, I'm not.
And I know it's no excuse, but...
265
00:16:19,922 --> 00:16:23,442
I was very drunk at the time, and I
can barely remember what happened.
266
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:25,642
So you have regrets
about the whole thing?
267
00:16:25,682 --> 00:16:27,682
Of course I have regrets.
268
00:16:27,722 --> 00:16:29,762
My life is in tatters!
269
00:16:29,802 --> 00:16:32,362
I think I've got an idea
of what you're going through.
270
00:16:32,402 --> 00:16:34,682
Really?!
Yeah.
271
00:16:34,722 --> 00:16:39,242
My business partner always had
a fantasy about doing it,
272
00:16:39,282 --> 00:16:41,682
and then the opportunity
presented itself,
273
00:16:41,722 --> 00:16:44,482
but he pulled out,
right at the last minute,
274
00:16:44,522 --> 00:16:47,722
because he realised
the whole thing was illegal.
275
00:16:47,762 --> 00:16:50,322
How can you talk so calmly
about this?
276
00:16:50,362 --> 00:16:52,402
Do you think
you'll need a solicitor?
277
00:16:53,962 --> 00:16:55,842
That's entirely down to you.
278
00:16:55,882 --> 00:16:58,522
What's that got to do with us?
It's your villa.
279
00:17:00,162 --> 00:17:03,962
I beg your pardon? How would we know
if you need a solicitor?
280
00:17:04,002 --> 00:17:07,642
Look, I've built more houses
than you've had hot dinners,
281
00:17:07,682 --> 00:17:10,282
but I don't know a thing
about building in Spain.
282
00:17:10,322 --> 00:17:13,802
You wanted to ask me
about building a house in Spain?
283
00:17:13,842 --> 00:17:17,202
Well, Bianca said you'd done it
and you wouldn't mind having a chat.
284
00:17:17,242 --> 00:17:19,362
What did you think
I was talking about?
285
00:17:20,522 --> 00:17:22,402
Drinks, anyone?
286
00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:25,802
Yeah, go on, then, I'll have one.
Yeah, same again.
287
00:17:25,842 --> 00:17:28,482
Do you want to give me a hand,
Martin? Yes.
288
00:17:32,042 --> 00:17:34,042
What was all that about?
289
00:17:34,082 --> 00:17:37,682
I've no idea.
The man is completely deranged.
290
00:17:37,722 --> 00:17:39,722
Well, you'll get on well.
291
00:17:41,722 --> 00:17:44,642
What was all that about?
You told me you were 16! What?!
292
00:17:44,682 --> 00:17:48,682
"Aren't you going to wish me
a happy birthday? It's not every day a girl turns 16."
293
00:17:48,722 --> 00:17:53,122
It was a joke! Do I look 16?
No, but... I don't know.
294
00:17:53,162 --> 00:17:55,202
I was very confused!
295
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,162
Did you tell them we... er...?
296
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,282
No, I didn't.
It's none of their business.
297
00:18:00,322 --> 00:18:03,882
My dad was talking
about Spanish property. I said you built your own villa.
298
00:18:03,922 --> 00:18:08,202
Oh, my God. And now your parents
think I'm some kind of pervert.
299
00:18:08,242 --> 00:18:10,842
Are you saying you're not?
300
00:18:10,882 --> 00:18:14,202
No! I may be many things,
but I am not a pervert.
301
00:18:14,242 --> 00:18:16,442
Can I get you two a drink?
302
00:18:16,482 --> 00:18:20,202
Pint of lager, Bacardi and coke,
diet coke, and...?
303
00:18:20,242 --> 00:18:23,522
Water, please. Still water.
That's all you're having?
304
00:18:23,562 --> 00:18:26,162
Yes. I feel... very sick.
305
00:18:26,202 --> 00:18:29,522
Ahhh! That'll be them Angry Dwarfs
you were guzzling earlier.
306
00:18:31,802 --> 00:18:33,802
It's a drink!
307
00:18:45,162 --> 00:18:47,162
Yes! Game!
308
00:18:48,482 --> 00:18:50,242
Gracias!
309
00:18:50,282 --> 00:18:53,282
Hey, you're really good.
You're not too bad yourself.
310
00:18:54,282 --> 00:18:58,242
Excuse me, boss.
Have you got a book going on this volleyball competition?
311
00:18:58,282 --> 00:19:01,642
We have no books. This is
a holiday resort, not a library.
312
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,922
Not a reading book,
a gambling book.
313
00:19:03,962 --> 00:19:06,442
Are you taking bets?
Yeah, of course.
314
00:19:06,482 --> 00:19:08,482
Are you a team?
Yeah.
315
00:19:09,402 --> 00:19:11,802
I give you two to one.
You're joking.
316
00:19:11,842 --> 00:19:16,362
Have you seen this skinny runt?
He can hardly lift his hands above his head. Oh, thanks!
317
00:19:16,402 --> 00:19:18,282
You can give us better odds
than that.
318
00:19:18,322 --> 00:19:21,122
Two to one. Leave it or take it.
319
00:19:21,162 --> 00:19:23,042
Give us 50.
320
00:19:23,802 --> 00:19:25,802
Come on!
321
00:19:26,442 --> 00:19:28,882
Hundred euros at two to one.
322
00:19:28,922 --> 00:19:33,122
If we win, we get 200 euros
plus our 100 euro stake back.
323
00:19:33,162 --> 00:19:36,122
I cannot take this.
The bet is too large.
324
00:19:36,162 --> 00:19:38,162
Are you wimping out on us?
325
00:19:38,202 --> 00:19:40,482
Oh, my God!
326
00:19:40,522 --> 00:19:43,842
Oh, yeah? Are you playing
in fancy dress?
327
00:19:43,882 --> 00:19:47,402
Not fancy dress, my friend.
Anti-gravity boots.
328
00:19:47,442 --> 00:19:50,042
Unless they're against the rules?
329
00:19:51,882 --> 00:19:53,722
No. There are no rules.
330
00:19:53,762 --> 00:19:55,922
You are playing
these two guys here.
331
00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,642
Wait a minute! This ain't fair!
I want my money back.
332
00:19:58,682 --> 00:20:03,962
I'm sorry. Once a bet has been
placed, money cannot be returned until you have played.
333
00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:06,002
Thank you for your business.
334
00:20:17,666 --> 00:20:19,626
I've got it.
335
00:20:19,666 --> 00:20:22,466
Right, we borrow
a mobility scooter,
336
00:20:22,506 --> 00:20:25,386
we pop her on it, in a big hat,
we drive her across the road,
337
00:20:25,426 --> 00:20:27,826
and we sit her at the bus stop.
And then what?
338
00:20:27,866 --> 00:20:30,306
And then we leave her there.
We can't do that!
339
00:20:30,346 --> 00:20:32,226
Have you got a better idea?
340
00:20:32,266 --> 00:20:35,066
Could we not say she died
in the salon? It wasn't our fault.
341
00:20:35,106 --> 00:20:38,306
Oh, yeah, great idea!
Come to Blow'n'Go, the only salon
342
00:20:38,346 --> 00:20:41,466
where you can choose which
dead pensioner to sit next to!
343
00:20:45,026 --> 00:20:47,746
Right, you wait in there,
I'll snaffle a scooter.
344
00:20:47,786 --> 00:20:50,466
I'm not sitting in there
with a dead body! Shhh!
345
00:20:50,506 --> 00:20:53,466
Keep your voice down!
Do you want to ruin me? Stupid boy!
346
00:20:53,506 --> 00:20:55,506
I'll be back in a minute.
No, no...
347
00:21:21,186 --> 00:21:22,946
The score is 21 to six.
348
00:21:22,986 --> 00:21:25,946
How's it fair when they've got
big bouncy shoes on?
349
00:21:25,986 --> 00:21:29,266
Did you make the rules? No!
So be quiet.
350
00:21:29,306 --> 00:21:32,146
Smash him in the face, Mick!
What's that gonna solve?
351
00:21:32,186 --> 00:21:35,066
Sorry, I forgot, it's not just
your teeth that are yellow.
352
00:21:35,106 --> 00:21:38,506
Leave it, the pair of you. I know
whose face I'll smash in a minute.
353
00:21:38,546 --> 00:21:40,226
I said pack it in!
354
00:21:40,266 --> 00:21:43,546
Will you all shut up? We're trying
to concentrate! Come on, son!
355
00:21:43,586 --> 00:21:45,626
Come on. Michael!
Come on! You can do it!
356
00:22:10,306 --> 00:22:12,586
Sorry.
No, no, you go ahead, pal.
357
00:22:14,586 --> 00:22:19,306
They're creaming us.
Not the best choice of words wi' those two, but I know what you mean.
358
00:22:19,346 --> 00:22:21,906
It's only a game, Michael.
Yeah.
359
00:22:21,946 --> 00:22:23,746
Yeah, it's only a game, son.
360
00:22:23,786 --> 00:22:26,346
It's not, though. It...
361
00:22:26,386 --> 00:22:28,866
Me and Tiger bet all our holiday
money on us to win.
362
00:22:28,906 --> 00:22:31,626
You've got to be joking?!
Who did you bet with?
363
00:22:31,666 --> 00:22:33,666
The barman.
364
00:22:42,306 --> 00:22:45,146
Excuse me! Can I help you?
365
00:22:47,386 --> 00:22:50,826
I was just wondering if there's any
chance of saying hello to the dame.
366
00:22:50,866 --> 00:22:53,826
What dame?
Dame Judi.
367
00:22:53,866 --> 00:22:56,826
Oh! Oh, oh...
No, no, she's gone now.
368
00:22:56,866 --> 00:22:59,706
No, she hasn't.
I've just seen her slippers.
369
00:22:59,746 --> 00:23:03,826
Well, she doesn't like
being bothered by the public. That's why she comes to us.
370
00:23:03,866 --> 00:23:07,226
I understand, but, believe me,
discretion runs in my family.
371
00:23:07,266 --> 00:23:09,506
My father once spent a year
372
00:23:09,546 --> 00:23:11,746
rebuilding
Hughie Green's swimming pool,
373
00:23:11,786 --> 00:23:15,226
but I never heard him
breathe a word about it in public.
374
00:23:15,266 --> 00:23:20,826
As Hughie always said, you can't
do laps in a teardrop-shaped pool.
375
00:23:20,866 --> 00:23:23,786
I have no idea what you're
talking about. A quick picture?
376
00:23:23,826 --> 00:23:25,826
No!
Spoilsport!
377
00:23:25,866 --> 00:23:29,506
Ha-ha-hang... Hang on... Hang on...
Hang on a minute! Yes?
378
00:23:29,546 --> 00:23:32,426
I could possibly get you in
for a QUICK hello...
379
00:23:33,186 --> 00:23:37,266
..but there are certain protocols
when it comes to celebrities.
380
00:23:37,306 --> 00:23:41,306
Oh, please, I have had
Christmas dinner with Kenny Lynch.
381
00:23:41,346 --> 00:23:43,786
Oh. Erm... So... so...
382
00:23:43,826 --> 00:23:45,826
imagine...
383
00:23:46,866 --> 00:23:52,026
Imagine I'm Dame Judi.
You come in... and what do you say?
384
00:23:52,066 --> 00:23:54,826
Welcome to the Solana, Dame Judi.
385
00:23:54,866 --> 00:23:57,466
Ah... Erm... Not bad.
386
00:23:57,506 --> 00:24:00,226
I think
a small curtsey might be in order.
387
00:24:00,266 --> 00:24:03,746
Curtsey? She's not the Queen.
No, but she once played the Queen.
388
00:24:03,786 --> 00:24:07,266
Erm... Good evening, Dame Judi.
389
00:24:07,306 --> 00:24:09,186
Yes... Yes...
390
00:24:09,226 --> 00:24:12,386
I think Dame Judi
would be very pleased.
391
00:24:12,426 --> 00:24:14,826
Well, let's go,
cos I have got a hotel to run.
392
00:24:15,506 --> 00:24:17,306
Ooh!
393
00:24:20,426 --> 00:24:22,346
Where is she?
Who?
394
00:24:22,386 --> 00:24:25,066
Dame Judi!
Oh, you've just missed her.
395
00:24:25,106 --> 00:24:28,226
You're joking!
I've got changed and everything.
396
00:24:28,266 --> 00:24:31,426
But we do have another celebrity
coming in next week. Who is it?
397
00:24:31,466 --> 00:24:33,306
It's... erm...
398
00:24:33,346 --> 00:24:35,226
Ooh, let me think.
399
00:24:35,266 --> 00:24:37,426
Madonna!
400
00:24:39,146 --> 00:24:40,946
Madonna?
401
00:24:40,986 --> 00:24:43,666
You are joking?
Strictly entre nous!
402
00:24:44,506 --> 00:24:46,226
Oh!
403
00:24:46,266 --> 00:24:50,106
I'll make sure there's fresh flowers
in reception every day!
404
00:24:50,146 --> 00:24:51,466
Ooh!
405
00:24:55,746 --> 00:24:58,866
Madonna?! I panicked.
We could always get a looky-likey.
406
00:24:58,906 --> 00:25:03,306
I don't think Lesley with her hair
in a top knot and ice cream cornets for tits will do.
407
00:25:09,287 --> 00:25:11,287
Oh, silly boy!
408
00:25:13,026 --> 00:25:17,306
OK, this is the match point.
Donald and Jacqueline to serve.
409
00:25:17,346 --> 00:25:19,886
Come on, son! You can win this!
410
00:25:19,921 --> 00:25:23,241
What do you mean, "you can win
this"? We're 19 points behind.
411
00:25:24,881 --> 00:25:27,561
Game! Donald and Jacqueline.
412
00:25:27,601 --> 00:25:29,041
Bravo.
413
00:25:29,081 --> 00:25:31,481
What do you think you're doing?
He wasn't ready!
414
00:25:32,361 --> 00:25:34,601
Oi! Come on, play that point again.
415
00:25:34,641 --> 00:25:36,641
That's not fair!
416
00:25:42,521 --> 00:25:45,201
Hang on a minute.
What's the matter, Mother?
417
00:25:45,241 --> 00:25:47,561
Where's my scooter?
418
00:25:51,201 --> 00:25:54,241
I'm not sure I've made a very good
impression on your family.
419
00:25:54,281 --> 00:25:56,801
There's still time
to make a better impression.
420
00:25:56,841 --> 00:25:59,481
How am I going to do that?
By taking me out tonight.
421
00:25:59,521 --> 00:26:02,801
Wanna go to the karaoke competition?
No, I bleedin' well don't.
422
00:26:02,841 --> 00:26:07,321
Last night you said
we're a good match because we both appreciate the finer things in life.
423
00:26:07,361 --> 00:26:10,041
Did I? I mean, yes, I did. I do.
424
00:26:10,081 --> 00:26:15,601
So... where are you taking me?
Benidorm doesn't have much to offer in the way of a glamorous evening.
425
00:26:15,641 --> 00:26:17,681
Better get your thinking cap on,
then.
426
00:26:18,441 --> 00:26:20,921
Ooh, yes, where is my cap?
427
00:26:20,961 --> 00:26:23,281
I think I may have left it
on the bar!
428
00:26:26,001 --> 00:26:28,001
That was a complete washout.
429
00:26:28,041 --> 00:26:30,201
Cheating bastards!
430
00:26:30,241 --> 00:26:33,161
How much money did you lose?
It doesn't matter.
431
00:26:33,201 --> 00:26:36,121
I never asked you if it mattered.
I asked you how much.
432
00:26:36,681 --> 00:26:38,681
How much? More than 50?
433
00:26:38,761 --> 00:26:40,721
A hundred.
A hundred euros?
434
00:26:40,761 --> 00:26:42,601
He saw you coming.
435
00:26:42,641 --> 00:26:46,161
I bet they were in on it.
That barman and that freaky couple.
436
00:26:46,201 --> 00:26:47,961
Where's your chap?
437
00:26:48,001 --> 00:26:50,001
He's not my "chap"!
438
00:26:50,641 --> 00:26:52,481
He's at the bar.
439
00:26:52,521 --> 00:26:56,041
Bit wet behind the ears for someone
his age, but he's got a few quid.
440
00:26:56,081 --> 00:26:58,601
I don't care if he's
"got a few quid" or not.
441
00:26:58,641 --> 00:27:03,201
I said that about your father.
Even I believed it, at first.
442
00:27:04,881 --> 00:27:07,241
Don't worry, son.
I'll get your money back.
443
00:27:07,281 --> 00:27:11,361
I've got more tricks up my sleeve
than Paul Daniels. Who's he?
444
00:27:11,401 --> 00:27:15,761
In other words, as Baldrick would
say, I have a cunning plan.
445
00:27:15,801 --> 00:27:17,841
Who's Baldrick?
446
00:27:17,881 --> 00:27:19,561
Forget it.
447
00:27:22,961 --> 00:27:24,681
Here you go, fella.
448
00:27:24,721 --> 00:27:27,761
Same again, plus another
bottle of water for yourself.
449
00:27:27,801 --> 00:27:31,561
Hey. You go steady on that stuff
or you'll be getting out of hand!
450
00:27:33,081 --> 00:27:37,201
Mr and Mrs Stewart. Looking very
natty today! What can I get you?
451
00:27:37,241 --> 00:27:42,401
Thank you, Lesley.
We're celebrating, so I think we'll go for the good stuff.
452
00:27:42,441 --> 00:27:44,481
Can you do two black Russians?
453
00:27:44,521 --> 00:27:47,761
Aye, with a couple of hours' notice
and a fag break between 'em!
454
00:27:47,801 --> 00:27:49,961
Very good!
455
00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:54,681
Are you sure we can't tempt you with
something a little harder, Martin?
456
00:27:54,721 --> 00:27:57,961
I'm fine, thanks.
Did your friends get off OK?
457
00:27:58,001 --> 00:28:00,361
Yes, fine, thank you.
Shame.
458
00:28:00,401 --> 00:28:05,121
There's so much more of Benidorm
we could've shown them. I'm sure.
459
00:28:05,161 --> 00:28:11,001
I don't suppose you know of anywhere
in Benidorm I can take a young lady for quite a sophisticated evening?
460
00:28:15,201 --> 00:28:18,801
Sorry, I think that might have been
a slightly misjudged question.
461
00:28:18,841 --> 00:28:21,681
No, hang on a minute.
What about the casino?
462
00:28:21,721 --> 00:28:24,841
There's a casino?
Oh, yes. Just outside Benidorm.
463
00:28:24,881 --> 00:28:28,521
We've never been,
but we hear it's quite the place.
464
00:28:28,561 --> 00:28:30,641
Donald and I don't gamble.
465
00:28:30,681 --> 00:28:35,681
We once lost £11 on a fruit machine
in Billingham.
466
00:28:35,721 --> 00:28:39,441
Jacqueline, please!
You'll trigger the flashbacks again.
467
00:28:39,481 --> 00:28:43,761
Casino...
Yes, that sounds great. Thanks.
468
00:28:43,801 --> 00:28:46,201
I'm sure
there's a leaflet in reception.
469
00:28:46,241 --> 00:28:48,561
Here, you can borrow this.
470
00:28:48,601 --> 00:28:51,361
It's my lucky coin!
471
00:28:51,401 --> 00:28:57,041
How's it lucky? I found it
the night I met Jacqueline.
472
00:28:57,081 --> 00:29:02,281
Surely there can't be any more luck
left in this tiny coin, after that.
473
00:29:02,321 --> 00:29:05,481
Have a good evening.
Thanks. I will.
474
00:29:05,521 --> 00:29:08,041
Two black Russians.
Oh, thanks, Lesley!
475
00:29:08,081 --> 00:29:11,481
Now, shall we take these upstairs
476
00:29:11,521 --> 00:29:14,841
and slip into a little something
even more uncomfortable?
477
00:29:14,881 --> 00:29:16,881
Ooh, yes!
478
00:29:31,481 --> 00:29:34,441
♪ ..two drifters
479
00:29:34,481 --> 00:29:37,361
♪ Off to see the world
480
00:29:38,161 --> 00:29:42,161
♪ There's such a lot of world
to see...
481
00:29:42,201 --> 00:29:44,641
What is he doing?
I don't know.
482
00:29:44,681 --> 00:29:48,481
He's not exactly Placido Flamenco,
but he's never sounded as bad as this.
483
00:29:48,521 --> 00:29:51,321
This is embarrassing.
I'm off for a wander.
484
00:29:51,361 --> 00:29:53,641
No, you're not!
I'm not sitting here on my own.
485
00:29:53,681 --> 00:29:57,601
You're not on your own. SHE'S here.
"She" is going out with her fella.
486
00:29:57,641 --> 00:30:01,401
What time are you going, princess?
He's not my fella. I'm having a night out.
487
00:30:01,441 --> 00:30:03,921
Listening to this, thank God!
488
00:30:03,961 --> 00:30:06,401
♪ ..riverrrrr....
489
00:30:06,441 --> 00:30:09,361
Right, I think I've made him wait
long enough.
490
00:30:09,401 --> 00:30:12,001
Don't do anything
to make him think you're a slag.
491
00:30:12,041 --> 00:30:14,281
Oh, sorry! I didn't see
what you was wearing.
492
00:30:16,841 --> 00:30:20,081
Anyone ever told you
that you're really, really funny?
493
00:30:20,121 --> 00:30:22,961
Yeah, loads of people.
They lied!
494
00:30:23,001 --> 00:30:26,601
See you later, Momma.
Have a lovely time, princess.
495
00:30:26,641 --> 00:30:29,041
♪ ..heartbreaker...
496
00:30:29,081 --> 00:30:31,041
What's she going out
with that knob for?
497
00:30:31,081 --> 00:30:33,801
When I was your age, do you know
which man I lusted after?
498
00:30:33,841 --> 00:30:36,481
No, and please don't tell me.
Jon Bon Jovi!
499
00:30:36,521 --> 00:30:38,361
No idea who that is.
Don't wanna know.
500
00:30:38,401 --> 00:30:40,961
Oh, he had the most perfect lips!
501
00:30:41,001 --> 00:30:43,801
And his body...
Oh, my God, his body!
502
00:30:43,841 --> 00:30:46,041
Please stop talking.
And of course his voice.
503
00:30:46,081 --> 00:30:48,081
Not as bad, but please wind it up.
504
00:30:48,121 --> 00:30:50,601
Ohhh, I wanted to marry
Jon Bon Jovi!
505
00:30:51,321 --> 00:30:56,281
And then I met your father.
Do you know the difference between your father and Jon Bon Jovi?
506
00:30:56,321 --> 00:31:00,041
From the way you've described him,
they sound separated at birth!
507
00:31:00,081 --> 00:31:02,601
Jon Bon Jovi is what I wanted,
508
00:31:02,641 --> 00:31:06,921
but your father...
was what I needed.
509
00:31:06,961 --> 00:31:09,161
Think about that.
510
00:31:09,201 --> 00:31:12,161
I'll think about it, if you promise
never to mention it again!
511
00:31:12,201 --> 00:31:14,321
Ooh!
Urrrrgh!
512
00:31:14,361 --> 00:31:18,761
♪ ..ah-ah-arr-and...
513
00:31:18,801 --> 00:31:23,761
♪ ..me-ee-ee-eee ♪
514
00:31:32,761 --> 00:31:34,761
Hello.
515
00:31:36,441 --> 00:31:38,801
You look... radiant.
516
00:31:38,841 --> 00:31:41,761
Radiant? Isn't that what you say
when somebody's pregnant?
517
00:31:41,801 --> 00:31:45,281
No, no, it means...
luminous, lustrous.
518
00:31:46,321 --> 00:31:48,321
Incandescent!
519
00:31:49,521 --> 00:31:52,241
Lovely. You... You look lovely.
520
00:31:52,281 --> 00:31:53,961
Right.
521
00:31:54,001 --> 00:31:56,361
So where we going?
Ah-ha!
522
00:31:56,401 --> 00:31:59,201
THAT... is a surprise.
523
00:32:03,961 --> 00:32:08,121
Clive there with a fascinating
rendition of Moon River.
524
00:32:08,161 --> 00:32:11,441
If this were The X Factor, you'd
certainly be in the judges' houses.
525
00:32:11,481 --> 00:32:13,681
Mopping the floors!
526
00:32:13,721 --> 00:32:16,441
Now, our next competitor is Janice,
527
00:32:16,481 --> 00:32:20,041
singing Valerie
or, should I say, Valer-ay-ay-aaaay.
528
00:32:20,081 --> 00:32:24,321
Where is she? Oh! here she is.
Please give her a round of applause!
529
00:32:24,361 --> 00:32:26,481
Get me another drink in.
I'll need it.
530
00:32:26,521 --> 00:32:28,761
Go on, Mam!
Come on, Garvey!
531
00:32:35,521 --> 00:32:37,801
♪ Well, sometimes I go out...
532
00:32:37,841 --> 00:32:40,001
What did you think?
Shocking, weren't it?
533
00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:41,961
I've heard you do it better.
534
00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:46,081
I thought you'd got something
trapped. Ah! All part of my plan.
535
00:32:46,121 --> 00:32:50,081
What plan?
To get your money back.
536
00:32:50,121 --> 00:32:52,601
Now to deploy Phase Two.
537
00:32:54,401 --> 00:32:58,761
♪ ..since I've come on home
Well, my body's been a mess...
538
00:32:58,801 --> 00:33:01,681
Oh, Michael,
sort these songs out for me.
539
00:33:01,721 --> 00:33:04,161
I've never heard of any of 'em.
No.
540
00:33:04,201 --> 00:33:07,401
Don't you tell me no!
I'll put you across my knee!
541
00:33:07,441 --> 00:33:09,761
Shut up! My mam's singing.
..of me
542
00:33:09,801 --> 00:33:12,681
♪ Why don't you come on over,
Valerie?
543
00:33:12,721 --> 00:33:15,161
Mick, find me Spanish Eyes.
544
00:33:15,201 --> 00:33:17,361
Me and Mel used to do
a lovely Spanish Eyes.
545
00:33:17,401 --> 00:33:20,841
Can't you wait till Janice has
finished? No! I want to sing next.
546
00:33:20,881 --> 00:33:23,561
Well, you can't!
Put your name down, wait your turn.
547
00:33:23,601 --> 00:33:26,681
Will you both just shut up?!
Oh, frig the lot of you!
548
00:33:28,921 --> 00:33:30,841
What the hell
have you done that for?!
549
00:33:30,881 --> 00:33:33,801
I didn't do anything.
..put your house on up for sale
550
00:33:33,841 --> 00:33:36,361
♪ Did you get a good lawyer?
Oh, oh!
551
00:33:36,401 --> 00:33:39,641
Excuse me, mate.
Mum!
552
00:33:56,201 --> 00:33:58,001
♪ You make me feel so young
553
00:33:59,521 --> 00:34:02,001
♪ You make me feel
like spring has sprung... ♪
554
00:34:02,041 --> 00:34:04,041
OK...!
555
00:34:04,081 --> 00:34:06,081
What's your poison?
556
00:34:07,321 --> 00:34:10,401
What would you like to drink?
I'll have a champagne cocktail.
557
00:34:10,441 --> 00:34:11,961
Great, sounds great.
558
00:34:12,001 --> 00:34:16,201
- You heard the lady.
- Two champagne cocktails!
559
00:34:21,201 --> 00:34:23,561
Have... have you ever been
to a casino before?
560
00:34:23,601 --> 00:34:26,481
Only in Monte Carlo.
You've been to Monte Carlo? Wow!
561
00:34:26,521 --> 00:34:28,601
Cool. Cool.
562
00:34:29,561 --> 00:34:31,361
With a school trip or...?
563
00:34:31,401 --> 00:34:33,441
My ex-fiance had an apartment there.
564
00:34:33,481 --> 00:34:35,681
Really? Goodness.
565
00:34:35,721 --> 00:34:39,241
Two champagne cocktails.
Thank you. That's wonderful.
566
00:34:39,281 --> 00:34:42,121
I've got this... voucher...
567
00:34:42,161 --> 00:34:44,161
somewhere on my person.
568
00:34:45,121 --> 00:34:47,681
Yes, here it is. OK.
569
00:34:47,721 --> 00:34:51,481
I do believe this is valid
for two drinks before 9pm.
570
00:34:52,721 --> 00:34:55,041
It is less than one minute
before nine.
571
00:34:55,081 --> 00:34:56,881
Right, just in the nick of!
572
00:34:56,921 --> 00:35:00,161
You're paying for our drinks
with a voucher? Well, trying to!
573
00:35:02,161 --> 00:35:06,281
Sorry, can you read that a bit more
quickly? It's just that... You know?
574
00:35:07,201 --> 00:35:11,081
Senor, this drinks voucher
is valid for any two drinks...
575
00:35:13,121 --> 00:35:15,161
..with the exception of champagne.
576
00:35:15,201 --> 00:35:18,441
OK, well, these are champagne
cocktails, not just champagne.
577
00:35:18,481 --> 00:35:20,361
But let's not split hairs.
OK. Erm...
578
00:35:20,401 --> 00:35:23,481
Bianca, what other drink
would you like? I want this drink.
579
00:35:23,521 --> 00:35:25,481
Yes, that's fine.
I'll pay for these.
580
00:35:25,521 --> 00:35:27,601
What drink will you want
after that one?
581
00:35:27,641 --> 00:35:30,521
I...I don't know.
Right, well...
582
00:35:30,561 --> 00:35:34,241
I mean, can you decide? If it's not
champagne or a champagne-based drink,
583
00:35:34,281 --> 00:35:38,401
we may as well get it now, for free,
if you hurry up.
584
00:35:38,441 --> 00:35:41,641
I don't know what drink I -
Fine. Two gin and tonics, please.
585
00:35:43,161 --> 00:35:45,801
Would senor like to pay
for these drinks first?
586
00:35:45,841 --> 00:35:49,281
No, I wouldn't! I mean, yes,
I'm gonna pay for them, obviously.
587
00:35:49,321 --> 00:35:52,801
Can I use the voucher for the other
drinks first? Other drinks, senor?
588
00:35:52,841 --> 00:35:56,881
I asked for two gin and tonics,
paid for with the voucher. You're stalling for time!
589
00:35:56,921 --> 00:36:00,441
I am sorry, senor, but this voucher
is only valid before...
590
00:36:02,721 --> 00:36:04,921
..nine o'clock.
Yes, thanks.
591
00:36:04,961 --> 00:36:07,841
Thanks a lot. Thanks a bunch, pal.
592
00:36:11,361 --> 00:36:13,601
Just... these drinks, then, please.
593
00:36:13,641 --> 00:36:15,561
That will be 28 euros, please.
594
00:36:15,601 --> 00:36:18,841
No, I don't want the gin and tonics,
just the champagne cocktails.
595
00:36:18,881 --> 00:36:22,321
That will be 28 euros, please,
senor.
596
00:36:29,121 --> 00:36:31,801
I will just get your change, senor.
597
00:36:32,521 --> 00:36:34,521
Yes, if you would.
598
00:36:35,641 --> 00:36:38,561
Shall we get some chips?
I'm not sure they do food.
599
00:36:38,601 --> 00:36:40,601
Gaming chips!
600
00:36:40,641 --> 00:36:42,641
Oh, right. Yes, of course. Yeah.
601
00:36:42,681 --> 00:36:45,281
I'm just waiting for my...
Where's he gone?
602
00:36:45,321 --> 00:36:48,481
Oh, he's doing this on purpose.
603
00:36:50,441 --> 00:36:52,441
OK, let's forget it.
604
00:36:52,481 --> 00:36:54,521
Forget about the change. It... it...
605
00:36:54,561 --> 00:36:56,761
You know, whatever!
It's not a problem.
606
00:37:00,761 --> 00:37:04,041
♪ Rubber ball,
I come bouncing back to you
607
00:37:04,081 --> 00:37:07,441
♪ Rubber ball, I come
bouncing back to you
608
00:37:07,481 --> 00:37:09,801
♪ Ah-hoo, ah-hoo!
609
00:37:09,841 --> 00:37:11,721
Here he comes. Are you ready?
610
00:37:11,761 --> 00:37:13,561
Oh! Ready.
611
00:37:13,601 --> 00:37:16,521
Excuse me! Can we have
some more drinks, please?
612
00:37:16,561 --> 00:37:19,321
Do you want the same again?
No, I think this time -
613
00:37:19,361 --> 00:37:21,641
Ooh, I've got it!
What about this one?
614
00:37:21,681 --> 00:37:24,241
♪ Near... Far...
615
00:37:24,281 --> 00:37:28,001
♪ Wherever you are
616
00:37:28,041 --> 00:37:32,001
♪ And you're here in my heart
617
00:37:32,041 --> 00:37:37,401
♪ And my heart will go on
618
00:37:37,441 --> 00:37:39,481
♪ Ah...
619
00:37:39,521 --> 00:37:42,401
♪ Oh-oh-oh...
620
00:37:45,521 --> 00:37:48,561
Please, can I take your order,
before my ears start to bleed?
621
00:37:48,601 --> 00:37:52,761
Oh, yeah. I tell you what,
we will have the same again.
622
00:37:52,801 --> 00:37:55,121
No problem.
Listen.
623
00:37:55,161 --> 00:37:58,721
I wanted to talk to you about the
money my son lost with you today.
624
00:37:58,761 --> 00:38:01,521
Your son lost his money.
This is the end of the story.
625
00:38:01,561 --> 00:38:03,561
A bet is a bet.
626
00:38:07,081 --> 00:38:09,961
What is going on?
That was the setup.
627
00:38:10,001 --> 00:38:12,201
Now we go in for the sting.
628
00:38:15,841 --> 00:38:18,521
♪ Bouncy, bouncy! Bouncy, bouncy!
629
00:38:18,561 --> 00:38:22,601
♪ Bouncy, bouncy! Eeeee-eee! ♪
630
00:38:24,125 --> 00:38:27,765
What is wrong with you? I can't stop
thinking about poor Maureen.
631
00:38:27,805 --> 00:38:30,165
What if she's still
out on the road?
632
00:38:30,205 --> 00:38:32,205
This may come across as uncaring,
633
00:38:32,245 --> 00:38:34,565
but I don't give a shit.
Not our problem any more.
634
00:38:34,605 --> 00:38:37,165
How can you be so heartless?
Practice!
635
00:38:39,365 --> 00:38:41,685
I can't help feeling
we let her down.
636
00:38:41,725 --> 00:38:46,565
For God's sake, forget about it.
The woman's dead! It's not like she'll lodge an official complaint.
637
00:38:48,525 --> 00:38:50,285
Yes, love?
638
00:38:50,325 --> 00:38:52,245
Aaaarrrrghhh! Maureen!
639
00:38:52,285 --> 00:38:53,485
What?
640
00:38:53,525 --> 00:38:56,045
Aaaaargh!
641
00:38:56,085 --> 00:38:58,805
I'm so sorry, boys,
I didn't mean to startle you.
642
00:38:58,845 --> 00:39:01,085
I just want to pay
for my shampoo and set.
643
00:39:01,125 --> 00:39:04,685
You what? I must have
fallen asleep in the salon.
644
00:39:04,725 --> 00:39:07,925
12 euros for a pensioner
over the weekend, isn't it?
645
00:39:09,205 --> 00:39:12,085
Oh, do you know, it's terrible.
I'm getting so forgetful.
646
00:39:12,125 --> 00:39:14,485
I can't remember leaving.
647
00:39:14,525 --> 00:39:17,685
I knew I hadn't paid you,
cos the money was still in my purse.
648
00:39:17,725 --> 00:39:19,605
Mind you, swings and roundabouts.
649
00:39:19,645 --> 00:39:23,365
I lost my mobility scooter last year
but it turned up again. Really?
650
00:39:23,405 --> 00:39:29,125
It's no wonder I couldn't find it for so long.
I swore, when I bought it, it was red.
651
00:39:29,165 --> 00:39:31,165
See you next week!
652
00:39:33,085 --> 00:39:35,085
Oh, oh!
Oh, my God, I shit myself.
653
00:39:43,365 --> 00:39:46,365
Did you get some chips?
I certainly did.
654
00:39:47,525 --> 00:39:49,565
Wooo-hoooo!
655
00:39:49,605 --> 00:39:52,965
My grandma always said, "Two bites
of the cherry is better than one."
656
00:39:53,005 --> 00:39:56,445
Red or black? Not cherries.
I mean, on the roulette.
657
00:39:56,485 --> 00:39:59,485
I really don't mind.
Er...
658
00:40:02,365 --> 00:40:04,885
So... tell me a little more
about yourself.
659
00:40:04,925 --> 00:40:08,925
What do you want to know
that I didn't tell you last night? As you know, I did get...
660
00:40:08,965 --> 00:40:11,725
a little bit tipsy last night,
so... er...
661
00:40:14,725 --> 00:40:16,525
I don't know anything about you.
662
00:40:17,525 --> 00:40:19,765
I'm 23.
Phew!
663
00:40:19,805 --> 00:40:22,245
I'm a beauty therapist.
Of course.
664
00:40:22,285 --> 00:40:24,285
But of course you are.
665
00:40:27,565 --> 00:40:29,205
Numero cuatro, negro.
666
00:40:29,245 --> 00:40:31,925
Bugger! Only one left. Red or black?
667
00:40:31,965 --> 00:40:35,325
You don't remember any of
the conversations we had? Er...
668
00:40:35,365 --> 00:40:37,245
Not in the true sense of the word.
669
00:40:37,285 --> 00:40:40,325
So you don't remember inviting me
to your villa tomorrow?
670
00:40:40,365 --> 00:40:42,365
Hagan sus apuestas.
Oh... God...
671
00:40:42,405 --> 00:40:45,605
Red or black? Red or black? Ermmm...
672
00:40:46,965 --> 00:40:49,125
Sorry. You were saying?
Your villa.
673
00:40:49,165 --> 00:40:51,845
Ah! Yeah. I'll have to check
with my mother.
674
00:40:51,885 --> 00:40:55,285
Your mother? Yeah. It's my mother's
villa. I'm going to visit her.
675
00:40:55,325 --> 00:40:59,765
She can be a little spiky
with people she doesn't know. You said it was your villa. Did I?
676
00:40:59,805 --> 00:41:02,925
Oh, dear, I can get a little
carried away. I blame the drink.
677
00:41:02,965 --> 00:41:04,565
No va mas.
678
00:41:08,685 --> 00:41:10,485
Treinta y cinco, negro.
679
00:41:10,525 --> 00:41:12,125
Yes!
Argh!
680
00:41:12,165 --> 00:41:14,205
Oh, my God! I'm... I'm so sorry.
681
00:41:14,245 --> 00:41:17,125
Please let me help you up.
Get off me! I said get off me!
682
00:41:17,165 --> 00:41:20,485
I'm sorry. How about I cash in
and we grab a bite to eat?
683
00:41:20,525 --> 00:41:22,405
Cash in? You've won ten euros!
684
00:41:22,445 --> 00:41:24,805
Oh, look, you're soaking.
Leave me alone!
685
00:41:24,845 --> 00:41:29,285
Do me a favour, Martin.
Take your ten euros and go back to your mother, where you belong.
686
00:41:29,325 --> 00:41:31,285
Bianca? Bianca!
687
00:41:36,565 --> 00:41:38,565
Oh, bum sticks!
688
00:41:46,085 --> 00:41:48,165
♪ If it hadn't been
for Cotton-Eye Joe
689
00:41:48,205 --> 00:41:50,205
♪ I'd been married a long time ago
690
00:41:50,245 --> 00:41:52,165
♪ Where did you come from, where
did you go?
691
00:41:52,205 --> 00:41:55,165
♪ Where did you come from,
Cotton-Eye Joe...? ♪
692
00:41:57,245 --> 00:42:00,485
Our very own Lesley
with Cotton-Eye Joe.
693
00:42:00,525 --> 00:42:02,965
Well, the competition's
really hotting up.
694
00:42:03,005 --> 00:42:07,525
You're all rubbish,
but there's a lot of you!
695
00:42:07,565 --> 00:42:11,285
The thing is, the way they won the
volleyball just wasn't very fair.
696
00:42:11,325 --> 00:42:15,325
Nobody said anything about rules.
As I told you, a bet is a bet.
697
00:42:15,365 --> 00:42:18,205
OK, what about one last bet?
698
00:42:18,245 --> 00:42:20,485
You want to play volleyball?
699
00:42:20,525 --> 00:42:26,725
No. We get our hundred euros back
if my son wins the karaoke.
700
00:42:26,765 --> 00:42:29,765
And if he loses?
You get another hundred.
701
00:42:30,645 --> 00:42:33,565
No, but I will make it 200
if your wife wins!
702
00:42:33,605 --> 00:42:35,685
OK.
703
00:42:36,725 --> 00:42:39,645
Wait a minute.
Which one is your wife?
704
00:42:39,685 --> 00:42:43,285
OK, last on the karaoke
we have Tonya.
705
00:42:43,325 --> 00:42:45,525
Where are you, Tonya?
Ah, there we are.
706
00:42:45,565 --> 00:42:48,405
The one I've been sitting next to
all night.
707
00:42:48,445 --> 00:42:50,845
Sorry if it's confusing.
708
00:42:50,885 --> 00:42:53,325
Then, my friend, you have a bet.
709
00:43:00,245 --> 00:43:04,045
Who tickled your fancy? You look
like the cat who got the cream.
710
00:43:04,085 --> 00:43:06,925
Let us just say
I have had a very, very lucky day.
711
00:43:10,405 --> 00:43:13,165
♪ I don't wanna talk
712
00:43:14,645 --> 00:43:18,405
♪ About things we've gone through
713
00:43:18,445 --> 00:43:21,325
♪ Though it's hurting me
714
00:43:21,365 --> 00:43:26,365
♪ Now it's history
715
00:43:26,405 --> 00:43:29,525
♪ I've played all my cards
716
00:43:29,565 --> 00:43:31,765
Excuse me. Senor!
717
00:43:31,805 --> 00:43:33,805
Would you like something else?
718
00:43:36,365 --> 00:43:38,245
What have you got?
719
00:43:38,285 --> 00:43:40,805
I could do with a life.
720
00:43:40,845 --> 00:43:42,845
How about some dignity?
721
00:43:43,845 --> 00:43:45,645
Or maybe even...
722
00:43:45,685 --> 00:43:47,605
a little bit of luck?
723
00:43:47,645 --> 00:43:50,645
Senor, you are in a casino.
724
00:43:50,685 --> 00:43:52,885
There is only one winner here.
725
00:43:52,925 --> 00:43:54,925
You can say that again.
726
00:43:59,365 --> 00:44:01,765
♪ I was in your arms
727
00:44:03,565 --> 00:44:06,965
♪ Thinking I belonged there
728
00:44:07,005 --> 00:44:09,925
♪ I figured it made sense
729
00:44:10,565 --> 00:44:14,805
♪ Building me a fence
730
00:44:14,845 --> 00:44:17,845
♪ Building me a home
731
00:44:17,885 --> 00:44:22,405
♪ Thinking I'd be strong there
732
00:44:22,445 --> 00:44:25,485
♪ But I was a fool
733
00:44:25,525 --> 00:44:29,805
♪ Playing by the rules
734
00:44:29,845 --> 00:44:33,285
♪ The gods may throw the dice
735
00:44:33,925 --> 00:44:36,725
♪ Their minds as cold as ice
736
00:44:37,445 --> 00:44:40,925
♪ And someone way down here
737
00:44:40,965 --> 00:44:44,885
♪ Loses someone dear
738
00:44:45,645 --> 00:44:52,765
♪ The winner takes it all
739
00:44:52,805 --> 00:44:59,725
♪ The winner takes it
ah-ah-ah-oh-oh-oh-all
740
00:44:59,765 --> 00:45:03,725
♪ The winner takes it all
741
00:45:03,765 --> 00:45:07,085
♪ Whoa, oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh, oh
742
00:45:07,125 --> 00:45:11,485
Oh... my... God.
743
00:45:11,525 --> 00:45:15,165
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ahhhhh!
744
00:45:15,205 --> 00:45:17,765
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh...
745
00:45:17,805 --> 00:45:21,285
♪ Oh, oh, oh, ooh, ooh
746
00:45:22,645 --> 00:45:26,445
♪ The winner takes it all
747
00:45:26,485 --> 00:45:29,125
♪ Ohhhhhh....
748
00:45:29,165 --> 00:45:30,725
♪ ..oh! ♪
749
00:45:32,765 --> 00:45:34,765
Oh, thank you!
750
00:45:35,774 --> 00:46:08,740
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
751
00:46:08,790 --> 00:46:13,340
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
60645
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.