All language subtitles for Benidorm s06e03.eng

Ah, good morning, sunshine.

Another day in paradise.

Oh, I think we've missed breakfast.

But, ooh-hoo,
it was certainly worth it.

Oh.

Oh... It's gay Derek.

Oh, lovely.

'Hi, Donald and Jacqueline, have you
heard the news about Big Donna?'

Is she all right?

No.

No, she most certainly
is not all right.

What's wrong?

Jacqueline, I think
you may be in need of a stiff one

before I tell you what's happened.

Ooh.

Where are you going?

You said...

Oh, sorry! You meant a drink.

I'll get them in,
you go and get the sun-beds.

No, I'm not apologising to no-one.

It wasn't Clive's fault
our Michael got a tattoo.

He wasn't there!
Then why was he so defensive?

You punched him in the face!
I didn't punch him in the face.

He pushed me and I pushed him back.
It amounts to the same thing.

All right.
Well, if I do that to you,

is that the same
as punching you in the face?

Did you just push me? No...

I was just showing you.

Did you just push ME?!

All right, Jan. Calm down.

Excuse me.
Do you need any assistance?

What, defending myself against him?
You must be joking.

It's, Mr Gravy. Isn't it? Garvey.

I feel it only fair to inform you,

that your behaviour last night
did not go unnoticed.

What? In fact, far from it.

Under the new Solana Group directive

we are now required to log all
activities of KNOWN troublemakers.

Known troublemakers,
you're taking the piss, aren't you?

10:38, threatening behaviour

and using obscene language
towards Solana staff.

You've gotta be joking!

We apologise.
I'll keep my eye on him.

Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute.

I'm not apologising to nobody.

You're telling me, you're gonna write down
the name of every person who swears?

Cos you're gonna need
a damn sight bigger book than that.

10:39, more swearing and shouting.

'Damn' isn't swearing
and that wasn't shouting!

I'd keep my head down if I were you.

Being arrested at an airport isn't
the best start to anybody's holiday.

No need to make things worse.
What did you know about that?

You're a guest in my hotel,
Mr Gravy.

It's my business to know.

And it's Garvey.

Come on.

The man's an animal.

I regret the day
I let my daughter marry him.

Well, it's all water
under the bridge. Is it?

You said you were gonna
rip his head off this morning.

Shut up, you.
Oh, and you'd be right to.

It's the only language
people like that understand.

And after the things
he said he was going to do to you.

Oh, yeah. What things?

Oh, I'm not one for telling tales.

I just mind my own business.

All though, some of the things he was
saying about you'd make your hair curl.

Well, like you,
we're not ones for telling tales.

Go on.
Oh, no.

I'm not getting involved.

But I do think he had a cheek
going on about how short you are.

He's not exactly
the Jolly Green Giant himself.

And who's he to call you ugly?

As I said to my daughter last night,

I'm sure you make up for it
in personality.

Right.

Enjoy your morning.

Morning.

OK, team. I won't keep you very
long.

Just to say that we have now,
more or less,

weeded out the last of the
bogus wrist bands.

All genuine Solana residents
have now been issued

with the new pink style band.

But if anybody's acting suspicious,

please ask them
for their room number

and check against the database.

How do we do that? Sorry?

Well, if we're serving
behind the pool bar,

we want to find out
if someone is genuine resident,

and they haven't just bought
their wrist band in a pub,

how do I check the database?

Erm... Ah, we ask them
to describe their room.

Very good, Mateo.

I'm glad to see someone's
thinking on their feet.

And if they say
it is nice and comfortable

we know we are smelling the rats.

Just send them to the front desk,
I'll check their identity.

Morning. What's that?

What's it got to do with you?
You're bringing it into my hotel,

that's what it's got to do with me.

And now it's going into my salon,
so keep your fat nose out.

I think you've got a lovely nose.

Class dismissed!

Do you really think you can get away
with speaking to me like that?!

Yes!

Right. I'll put the coffees on,

you keep an eye out for Grotbags.
And when the coast is clear,

we get this shifted
round to the pool bar.

I don't think we're gonna get away
with this.

That's what the Chuckle Brothers
said and look at them now.

I still can't believe it.

I thought Big Donna
would live forever.

It's certainly a lot to take in.

When did it happen? Last Friday.

At the Bognor Regis over 60s
Bisexual Alliance.

Oh, heck. That's a mouthful.

Apparently those were Big Donna's
last words.

Really? Is that how she died?

I'm afraid so.
Well, that does surprise me.

People always used to say
she could breath through her ears.

Yes, I think that
was just a figure of speech.

Oh, I suppose we've missed
the funeral?

It's today.
Apparently Jackson's Pie Shop

are having a late night opening
as a mark of respect.

Oh, lovely.

Well. they've realised
now that Donna's dead

they'll probably be out of business
by the end of the month.

Oh, Donna.

Why don't we have another drink?

Toast a life well lived.

Oh, yes.

Two triple chocolate fudge martinis

with butterscotch sauce
and whipped cream.

It's what she would've wanted.

Sugared rim?

No, let's just have the drinks.

He's not happy with you, that Clive.

Mother, just leave it.

Should've heard the things he was
saying about you this morning.

He was turning the air blue.

I'm surprised you've got time
for a holiday, Madge.

What with shit-stirring being
a full-time job for you these days.

No need for language like that.

I know you've had no education,

but there's no reason to drag
everybody down to your level.

Who are you texting? Our Michael.

Oh, you won't see him again today.

Not after the battering
you gave him last night.

Never laid a finger on that lad.
Never mind Childline,

I'm surprised he hasn't had
Esther Rantzen's mobile number

tattooed on his other arm.

Oh, when's this ever gonna stop?!
You what?

The lies, the nastiness.

The constant embarrassment
of a bony, venom-spitting carcass,

who has no consideration
for anyone but herself!

Who are you talking about? You!

I'm talking about you!
Who did you think?

Well, I knew it wasn't our Janice.

She's never been what you could call
bony! Look, there you go again.

Right, that's enough.
Honest to God, you're like kids.

Is there any chance at all
we could just sit here

and have one peaceful morning?

Just a few hours without screaming,

shouting, arguing,
or causing a fuss!

Ah-ha-ha!

What the frigging hell is this?!

Hello again.

Fancy seeing you here.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Never, in all my years
in the travel industry,

and that includes four years
under Richard Branson,

have I witnessed
such appalling behaviour.

I know. They just sat there.

Open mouthed, just looking at us.

Not one of the miserable bastards
joined in. Ha-ha!

Very amusing! Thank you.

I mean, it's not as if you're kids

that can be put across somebody's
knee, grown men the lot of you.

Oh, yeah.
You can put me across your knee.

You know, there's only one thing
I like better than a MILF

and that's a GMILF with attitude.

What on Earth is a GMILF?
You're ridiculous!

I mean, how old are you? 42?!

A GMILF stands for a Grandmother
I'd like to... 42?!

I'm sorry, is that a joke? I'm 36.

Look, I know this isn't exactly
St Tropez, it's Benidorm.

But we must have standards.

Therefore, I'm going to have to ask
you to pack your bags and leave.

A partial refund will be sent to you

via your travel agent
within 28 days.

Look, look, look, Joyce.

I'm getting married.

My commiserations to the bride.

Oh, thank you. And, well, look,
I asked my best man Martin

where in the world should I go
and spend my last few days as a free man?

And can you guess
what he said to me?

Something like,
"Please take a step back,

your breath is beginning
to affect my vision"?

No, he said Benidorm.

And as Martin is in charge
of my stag weekend,

Benidorm is where we came.
And Benidorm is where you can stay.

Just not in my hotel.

Look, I don't mean to be vulgar.

But my friend
is mind-numbingly rich...

He's right.

And I'm sure we can, you know,

sort out any problems with a large
donation to, you know, you.

My decision is final.
This is a four-star establishment,

we do not cater for
over-privileged idiots.

So, you can take yourselves and
your inherited money elsewhere.

Look. There's about 400 Euros there.

Is there any chance of getting
some breakfast by the pool?

I'll have it sent over
straight away.

Boys. We're in!

So, you've definitely
got a spare plug socket?

Do you mean for electric-tricity?

Of course. What is it for?
I'm afraid I can't tell you that.

Suffice to say, there won't be
one person at the Solana

that doesn't know that the grand
re-opening of Blow & Go is -

Stop talking.

Hiya, can I have three beers
and an orange juice please?

Hiya.

I'm Liam. Go away.

No, I won't go away.
Don't be so rude.

Look, I have work to do.

How many times I have to tell you
to stop with your interfere?

Just because I haven't got muscles
or a tan

doesn't make me any less
of a man than you are.

Just go. I said you can put
your plug in my socket later.

Just make sure nobody find out.

Go.

Your friend all right?
Of course. He can be a little,

how do you say, sensitive.

Yeah, he looks it. Listen.

There was a barman here yesterday,
blonde hair, blue eyes...

Yes, we have big trouble
with this one. He has gone.

What do you mean gone?
Gone, finished, goodbye.

He leave town.
We were supposed to have a date.

Really? With this one who was here?

Oh, no. Yeah, whatever. It's fine.

Listen. This one.
He was no good for you.

You need a nice guy.

A man who will take care of you.

A man who appreciate your style,

your beauty.

Thanks. I'll keep looking.

I hope everything works out
with your boyfriend.

What? Hey, come back.

I am not a moofalata!

Well, look who's still here.

Eight pints and Jaegerbomb chasers
if you please.

- Get them in!
- Get them in! Get them in!

Get them in! Get them in!

You still haven't told me
exactly what this is.

Shh! I said
it's our new advertising campaign.

Which, incidentally,
is going to make us so much money

your little russet gusset is going
to be a damp as an otter's pocket.

Now, as the Catholic priest said
to the altar boy, get your end up.

Undiluted scum.

They are a bit rowdy.

Oh, and here comes our Michael.

That's another screaming match
to add to the madness.

No, it's not. What's done is done.

Wasn't exactly your attitude
last night.

Thought you were gonna
skin the lad alive.

Don't start that rubbish again.

We'll get the tattoo removed when
we get home and while we're here

we'll keep it covered up
and say no more about it. Agreed?

Yeah.

Madge, agreed?
It's nothing to do with me.

Hiya, son.
Did you have a nice sleep in?

Yeah, a bit.
But then I went to the shops.

Did you get owt good?

Dad, I know you're real mad at me
about getting this tattoo.

No. I was just saying, son.

I'm sorry for shouting
at you last night.

Let's just forget all about it
till we get home, eh?

I just wanted to say though,
it weren't the other lad's fault.

It weren't Tiger's fault,
it was mine.

I got drunk and I wanted the tattoo.

Don't stop me hanging round
with him.

I mean, he's the only person
here who's my age.

You can hang around with me.

Please.

We'll see.

Hey. Shall we go for a swim? No.

I bought you all presents
to say I'm sorry.

Oh, Michael.
You didn't have to do that.

Mum.

Dad.

And, Nana. I got you some cigs.

Oh, Michael. It's beautiful.

Do you not like yours, Dad?

I'm sorry I shouted at you, son.

I'm sorry for being an idiot.

Come here.

Oh. I love you, son.

Never forget that, yeah? Yeah.

And I wonder where the money
came from to buy all these presents.

Don't be so bloody ungrateful.
He's got his spending money.

Not that sort of money.

Them watches aren't market rubbish,
they're the real thing.

I should know.

Yeah, cos you're dripping
in designer jewellery aren't you?

He's been on the rob.

I know that guilty embarrassed face.

I've seen it often enough. What,
every time you look in the mirror?

Me? What have I got
to look guilty about?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe because

you're a nasty, complaining,
ungrateful old woman,

who can't open her mouth
without either being rude

or hurting someone's feelings!

Oh, for God's sake. Michael!

I'll go.

Trust him to get the cheap ones.

Chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug!

This is crazy, it's not even midday.

Here you are, love.
Plug that in for us.

You can't leave all this wire
trailing everywhere,

it's a health and safety
hazard, man.

That's rich coming from a
chain-smoking tranny in a nylon wig.

Right, that's it.
I'm off to get Joyce.

OK, OK. I think this calls for some
slightly more organised drinking games.

Barman, bring us two tables, a broom

and 50 shots
over to that far corner.

Hey, hey. I am not your slave
and we have no games for drinking.

This is against the rules.
Sorry, where are my manners?

I forgot to give you a tip.
I do not need your money.

I suggest you little boys
go down to the beach

and play your stupid games there.

What size broom did you want?

Bit to the left. Bit more.

Oh, my goodness.
She's quite impressive, isn't she?

She's incredible. I've never seen
anything so amazing in my life.

She only cost me 50 Euros
for the week.

What? Mind you, I did
have to provide my own lettering.

What the hell's going on!

Just a bit of advertising
for the salon. Get that shifted now!

Oh, what is your problem?

I'm bringing a free attraction
to the hotel.

Kids love inflatables. See!

I think he's stuck.

No, no.

Look away!

No, I'm sorry.
It just doesn't say Solana.

Yes, it does. Along the bottom.

No, I mean it doesn't fit in
with our brand. It's big,

loud, tacky, and too noisy.

Talking of which. Can't you do something
about Prince Harry and his squadron?

I don't see what the problem is,
we've had stag parties here before.

Yes, and you always come down
on them like a ton of bricks

when they start getting rowdy.

Which one are you shagging?

I beg your pardon?!

Oi! If you don't get those idiots
shifted from out that pool

I'll shift 'em for you.

And believe me, you don't want that!

For goodness sake.
What's wrong with you all?

It's not as if
they're hurting anyone.

Get that shifted.

Come on. Let's go outside.
It's daft to be stuck in here

when it's lovely
and sunny out there.

I've really messed up
this time, ain't I?

No, not really.

Least they spelt it right.

You didn't pinch them watches,
did you? No.

I've got the receipt here.

190 Euros for two watches.

Where did you get
that sort of money?

Busking.

Busking?

Yeah, Michael's an amazing singer.

Break dancer. Er... Dancer.

I meant to say break dancer.

So, you two were break dancing
in Benidorm and got all that money?

Yeah, this time next year
we'll be millionaires.

Maybe I should
get your dad a role of lino

so he can go out
and spin on his head.

We could do with the money.

Right. You kids stay out of trouble.

See you later.

You been flashing the cash, Mikey?

Well, don't worry. I'm sure we can
find ourselves another little scam.

It's just a question
of looking hard enough.

Gentleman and lady.

As much as it pains me
to interrupt your celebrations,

I'm afraid we have a slight problem.

Aye, you could say that.

It has been brought to my attention

that you are all positioned
nowhere near the bar.

So, I have appointed Lesley,
our head barmaid,

to be your personal cocktail
waitress for the rest of the day.

That's right.
And if we hear another peep... What?

Am I to take it that you two
are now members of this stag party?

Jacqueline and I
have a relationship with Martin

that goes back years.
Don't we, Martin?

Erm, kind of.

We've had some very sad news
about a dear friend

and the boys are helping us
get over her.

I remember the first time I needed
help getting over Big Donna.

Took 25 minutes
and an indoor trampoline.

I have prepared
the indoor reception bar

with premium vodkas
and high-quality nuts.

So, if you'd all like
to follow Lesley

I'm sure you'll be safe
in her very capable,

if slightly oversized, hands.

Well, I think she's mad.

This place could be like Disneyland,
but no.

She's dead set on it being like
Tenko but without the glamour.

What is Tenko?

Don't you blaspheme in this salon.
What is Tenko?!

Only Stephanie Beecham's
finest hour.

It's a TV show from the 1980s.

I've got all the DVDs.

You can't compare the Solana
to a Japanese prisoner of war camp!

You what? A bunch of sweaty Brits,
spending endless days

trapped abroad in blistering heat
and appalling conditions.

Not only that, Temple Savage bears
more than a passing resemblance

to Burt Kwok when she's
looking at the sun.

Oh, I cannot listen to more of this.

Ah. Cheers, Mateo love. Thank you.

Did you see her?

Who? The girl in the white bikini.

No.

What about her? I think I'm in love.

Oh, Liam love. For goodness sake.

When are you gonna stop
kidding yourself?

About what? You know what. You're
camper than a Brighton bus queue.

How many times do I have to tell you
I'm not gay?!

Oh, the lady doth protest too much.

I'm not gay.
I just don't like football.

Last week, when we went to Idols,
you ended up on stage

singing Over the Rainbow
in a feather boa.

And then on the last note
you went into full splits.

Karaoke's not gay. All right then.

What is your all-time favourite
TV programme?

Oh, Dynasty but only
cos I like the fashion.

We all know fashion's not gay.
What's your favourite song?

I'm not playing this game!

Oh, Liam love.

I'm just thinking about you.

In ten years' time
when you're happily married.

I don't want to see you sloping off
down to the Old Town,

and queuing up for the noshing
bench in some dingy gay bar

when you should be
putting your kids to bed.

You should learn to accept people
for who they are.

Just because I don't fit into your
stereotype of how a man should be

doesn't give you permission
to call me names.

I am what I am.
And what I am needs no excuses!

That wasn't gay at all.

So, if you're only here
for the weekend what are your plans?

Well, drinking mainly, obviously.

And of course checking out
the infamous Benidorm nightlife.

Jonty wants to see Sticky Vicky.

Ow!

What is wrong with you guys?

Look, I've seen
the Great Wall of China,

the Pyramids of Giza,
I've flown over the Grand Canyon,

I swam through
the Great Barrier Reef.

But there gets to a point
in every man's life

when he just has to see
a 70-year-old stripper

pulling the flags of all nations
out of her front bottom.

Oh, we're very good friends
with Vicky.

Really? Is all the stuff Martin's
been telling me true?

Absolutely. But those Benidorm pubs
can get quite rowdy,

I would have thought men of your
breeding would prefer a...

..private performance?

She does private gigs? Oh, my God.

This just gets more hilarious.

Well, no. But everyone has a price.

With the right budget
I'm sure we could arrange something.

Couldn't we, Jacqueline? Oh, yes.

What you doing in here?

I could ask you the same question.

I just needed some space.

What can I get you, son?
Well, it's a bit early

but I'll have a Campari and...

..a lager.

I'll have a pint of lager.

Since when did you
start drinking lager?

Since now.

Aren't you supposed
to be working downstairs?

I've been told I have to wait
hand and foot on that stag party.

But there's no way. Hey, don't get
me wrong, I love my job.

But I'm not skivvying around
after a load of posh knobs.

I've got some pride.

There you go young 'un.

Dad... erm. Do you ever worry

about what people think about you?

Come on, son. Take a look at me.

What do you think?

I just... sometimes worry
I don't really fit in.

Where exactly is it
you want to fit in? Good point.

Can you remember
what I used to tell you to do

when the kids at school
called you ginger nuts.

Oh, yeah. You said erm,
"Stamp on the bridge of their nose

until they choke
on their own blood".

I think you'll find it was your
mother who said that.

Oh, yeah. I said, "Rise above it.

They're just jealous, because they
wish they stood out from the crowd".

Can you imagine how boring the world
would be if we were all the same?

Yeah, I know all that. I just...

I sometimes think, the way that I am

is preventing me
from meeting the right girl.

Or any girl.

You don't need to change
who you are for anyone.

The right girl is out there
somewhere young 'un,

and it won't be long
till she finds you.

And you know why? Why?

Because your star shines brighter
than anyone else's.

Thanks, Dad.

Liam, do you want this pint?

No thanks, Dad. I'm all right.

Where did your Dad
put the tanning pills?

I don't think they're here.
I think they've been chucked away.

They must be in your Gran's room.
Have you got a key?

Can't we just get
some headache tablets and sell them?

Headache tablets cost money, Mikey.

As my old man says,
it's all about profit margins.

Oh, don't go in there
that's my Mum and Dad's bedroom.

You worried about what I might find?

Hello, hello. What have we here?

It's payday, Mikey boy.

You little beauties.

Put 'em back, put 'em back!

There is no problem.
There is a problem.

Cos I don't want to have to fanny
about like that every time I want a sh...

All right, son. What you doing?

I was just showing Tiger
round the apartment.

Lovely place you got here, Mr G.

Well, better than the
crappy rooms we're in.

Yeah, well. We're regulars.

Michael, why didn't you
open the door?

You could hear us trying to get in.
I didn't know it was you.

I'll get you another key.
Yeah, four of 'em.

Right, I think we'll get out
in the sun.

All right. See you later.

Catch you later, Mr G.

Enjoy your sh... ower.

Listen, Clive. I just wanted to say,
about last night.

You know, it's been a stressful
few days for all of us,

and I think it's probably
best all round if we just...

What I mean is. You know,
we're all here on holiday

supposed to be enjoying ourselves.
So, what is the point of...

You know, what is the point of...

Forgot what I was gonna say now.

Beer?

Absolutely.

Another one of them, pal?
Two more, please.

Coming right up.

Hello, can I help you?

Are you part of the stag party?
No, I always dress like this.

Oh, right.
OK, I'll knock on the door.

I'm pretty sure the guy in here
is the one who's getting married -

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Yes, I'm part of the stag party.

Can I help you?
You said you weren't.

It was a joke.

How can I help you?

We were wondering if you're
in the market for some shit?

Some shit? Yeah.

What do you mean?
Like for the garden?

A garden? Yes, like manure.

Manure? What's that?

French?

Manure? No, it comes out of a
horse's bottom.

Look, man. We got most things.

We got leapers, moggies,
snappers, dust, dollies,

eggs, jellies, dings, and turkeys.

Just let us know what you want,

and if you've got the lettuce
we got the candy.

But we ain't got no manure.

Wayhey! It's Pimp Diddy Martin!

I see you've brought your bitches.

They aren't my bitches.
I think it's bob-a-job week.

Are you ready? Everybody's
downstairs waiting - Drugs!

He wants to know
if you want to buy some drugs.

Mikey! For God's sake, man.

Walls have ears. Drugs?

You're selling drugs?

How old are you, 12? I'm 16.

And you! You should know better.

Your father found out you were doing
this he'd ruddy well skin you alive.

So, is that a no then?
Course it's a no!

Do we look like the kind of people
who take drugs?

Yeah. Yeah, you do.

Martin, go downstairs
get the shots lined up.

I'll be down in ten. Come in, boys.

Oh, my God. I didn't see this.

Wow. He's blind as well as stupid -

Now, come on, boys.
Don't be like that.

I mean. They're not bad kids.

No. They're not, they're not.

They're good kids.

But what we gotta remember
is that we were teenagers.

But we weren't teenagers
in this day and age.

We didn't have the internet.

Didn't have the internet,
didn't have computer games.

Television!
You didn't have television?

How old are you? We didn't have the
hundreds of channels they got now.

Three channels we had. Aye,
and still twice as much to watch

than the shite they've got
on 300 channels now.

Hear, hear.

So, what line of business
are you in then?

I was in the tanning stroke sun-bed
trade. But, well...

bottom fell out of it, really.

How about you? I'm in construction.

The bottom hasn't fallen out
of that. I'm sure.

It's had a complete prolapse.

Seriously?
I'm trying to ride it out.

Between you and me.
Things ain't looking good.

Still, you managed
to come on holiday.

How bad can things be?

Yeah.

Ole!

What's going on here then? I'm
taking the boys out on a stag night.

Don't worry, we'll be out
of your hair momentarily.

I don't suppose you've got room
for one more, have you?

I'm sorry, Lesley.
It's a stag night. No women allowed.

No, I don't mean for me.
I mean for our Liam.

Needs to broaden his horizons.

I think a night out with the lads
will do him the world of good.

Absolutely. The more the merrier.

So, you're doing
the full stag tour then?

The Shamrock, Loch Ness,
Jokers, The Red Dog.

With the added bonus
of a once in a lifetime live show.

Tacky Jacqui.

The show you can afford to see,
but can't afford to miss!

Tacky Jacqui? As in your Jacqueline?

Yes. We tried to book Sticky Vicky
but she's out of the country.

And your missus
is gonna do the act instead? Yes.

Do you know what time
your lad'll be coming down?

Oh, it's all right. I think he'll
probably sit this one out.

But you said he wanted
to broaden his horizons?

No offence. But with your missus
doing Sticky Vicky's act

there's a fine line between
having your horizons broadened

and being scarred for life.

Ladies and gentlemen.
I give you Mr Jonty Carmichael.

Single man, reveal yourself.

OK, bitches.
Let's get this show on the road!

Donald, let the toad see the hole.

Onward!

I'll probably be back
before the end of the shift anyway,

but any problems
just call my mobile.

You have a good night. Hasta manana.

OK, she has gone. You can go now.

Oh, thanks, Mateo.

You gonna manage without me?
Course. Where are you going?

I'm taking off all this slap and
I'm going to be a father to my son.

You are going to slap your son?

I have felt this way many times.

No, man. I'm taking
our Liam out for a pint.

See you later. Bye bye.

Er table for eight please.

Eight? You have made friends
with people?

Yeah, why? What's it got
to do with you? One moment.

You've changed your tune.
Wanting to eat with that Clive.

Last night you tried to kill him.
Oh, don't exaggerate.

OK. Somebody will be back
to take your order.

Thanks, love.
Hey. I tell you what, Madge.

Why don't you go and sit
with your friends?

I'm sure we can find
a single chair somewhere.

She was in agony because she had
a crushing pain on her left nipple.

So, we're all panicking.
Rung the ambulance up

and we've all got round there
and it turns out...

..she was stood on it.

Come on, boys. In we go!

One more for the road.

Excuse me, fellas.
Have you lost your luggage?

Oh, it's Donald.
How are you, Donald?

Wahey. Bloody hell, can't believe
you're still above ground.

You've put a bit of beef on, Donald.
Have you eaten my air bed?

Yes, yes. Very good.

Step away from the comedian boys.

By the way she died
after Christmas dinner.

I once got button holed
by Larry Grayson in the late 70's,

these things can get quite messy.

Guess how she died?
Heart attack playing charades.

There you go, son.

What you drinking?

Drop of Guiness. Did you want one?

No, thanks.

Why you drinking that?

I don't know.
Change is as good as a rest.

Puts hairs on your chest. Ha-ha.

Hey, I thought I might go
down the Red Dog later.

Why do you want
to go down the Red Dog?

Well, you know? Have a few drinks.

Maybe chat up a few lasses.

Why would you want to do that.
Cos I'm out with my son.

I'm just being a father.

Dad, what's going on?

After all you said to me, why are
you trying to be something you're not?

What are you talking about?
Of course I'm your father. No.

I don't mean that. I mean sitting
in a noisy, smelly sports bar.

Watching two men knock seven bags
of shite out of each other.

Wearing beige and drinking Guiness.

Why would you want a drink
that puts hairs on your chest?

You're a transvestite.

Well, I'm just trying to help you
find a nice girl, son.

But I thought
I'm not exactly helping.

Taking you to drag bars
in the old town.

I will find a nice girl, Dad.
But in my own time.

And I'll find her
because she likes me for who I am.

Wise words.
They should be. They're yours.

So, if I'm gonna be myself.
I want you to be yourself too.

Fair enough?
Aye, fair enough. Ha-ha.

Mwah. Right, let's get you
back down the Solana

and into something
a bit more glamorous.

Honestly, you are really
embarrassing me dressed like that.

Thank God you said that.

My feet have been killing us
walking in these flat shoes.

So, how have you been keeping,
Martin?

Not bad, thanks.

Keeping my head above water.
Yourself?

Oh, you know me.
I have my fingers in many pies.

Yes, actually I'm writing
my memoirs at the moment.

Really? How fascinating.

Yes, well. Since we last met
I was arrested on a charge of fraud

as the result
of faking my own death.

Good Lord. Oh, yes.

The book is based
on the diaries I kept

during my six months in prison.

It's not so much a memoir,
more of a "kiss-and-tell".

Here you go, boys.

Time to step it up a gear.

These aren't from those kids
at the Solana are they?

Oh. Do be quiet, Martin. Donald?
Not for me thanks.

My wife and I went through
our recreational drug phase

many years ago.

Jacqueline once spent four days
on magic mushrooms

thinking she was a barn owl.

Took myself and the Fire Brigade
six hours

to coax her down
out of next door's tree.

Amazing! That was the easy bit.

Apologising to the neighbours
for her defecating heavily

on their Ford Cortina
was the sticky end of the wicket.

Ha ha!

Psst!

Oh, speak of the devil.

I think someone might need
a bit of help loading her props,

if you know what I mean?
Back in a short while.

Having fun, Jonty?

Kidding, aren't you?
I'm having an amazing time.

Here - get another one
of these down your neck.

When you asked me
to organise your stag party.

Well, I chose Benidorm
as a bit of a joke, but...

I think the joke
may have backfired.

I mean, I'm not being vulgar,
but you've got so much money.

We could've gone anywhere
in the world. And, well -

I've BEEN everywhere in the world.
This place is incredible.

In three bars we've seen Elvis,
Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson.

It's like an amazing,
alcohol-fuelled singing graveyard.

I'm sure the Benidorm Tourist Board

will be begging you
to use that quote.

And now Sticky Vicky,
all in the same night!

No, you did the right thing, amigo.

They don't call you
the Best Man for nothing.

Did Donald not tell you
about Sticky Vicky?

What? She's on holiday.
He's getting his wife to do the act.

Tacky Jacqui.

Listen, pal.
You know I've always had a penchant

for the more mature woman.
Sticky Vicky, Tacky Jacqui,

as long as I get to see
a sexy pensioner

pulling the flags of all nations
from her Auntie Mary,

I'm gonna sleep a happy boy tonight.

What do you mean you can't do it?

I've tried.
But I think it's stage fright.

Everything's seized up.

Are you sure? Positive.

I'll be lucky
if I can get a Rizla paper up there.

What are we gonna do?

Remember the first rule
of show business?

The show must go on. No.

Never give them their money back.

I have had an idea. Yes?

There's an old trick I remember

from when my mother
was a magician's assistant.

It could work but you'll have
to give me a hand, so to speak.

? Whether I'm right

? Or whether I'm wrong

? Whether I find a place
in this world or never belong

? I gotta be me

? I gotta be me

♪ What else can I be but what I am♪

♪ I wanna live... ♪

Well, I must say
this is very pleasant.

What, the food?

No, making friends on holiday.

Where's Burke and Hare gone?

Who? Michael! And the other one.

I gave Michael and Tiger ten Euros
each to spend on the machines.

That was very good of you.

Ten Euros each!
Are you right in the head?

That's the last you'll see
of them tonight.

They'll be high as a kite,
sniffing glue 'round the bins.

Excuse me,
Tiger does not sniff glue.

All right, calm down.

When did you
start defending your brother?

When she started to disrespect him.

Respect! Ha, that's a joke.

What do you know about respect?

Trotting round the pool with
your tits out in your high heels.

Look. I think it's probably best
if you don't judge my son

or my daughter by your own very
low standards, Madge.

And who do you think you're talking
to, you piss-faced old cow?!

Do you know, I felt sorry for you
when we first met.

Married to him with a face
like a ruptured arse.

But it's him that deserves the
sympathy for putting up with you.

More drinks?
Yes, and we'll have 'em over there.

Come on. That's right.

Piss off! Sit with your own kind.

Animals, the lot of you.

That's it.

Much more room.

? Gotta be me

♪ I'll go it alone ♪

My, God. She'd be amazing
to go shoplifting with.

I need a big finish, Donald.

Can you hear me? The big finish.

Hang on!

I've never seen anything
like this in my entire life.

Well, I must say,
I've seen the real Sticky Vicky

and this comes pretty... Oh, my God!

Hey. Taxis outside are for you?

Oh, yeah. Thanks, mate.
These are our door keys.

There might be some missing.

I think one or two of them
slept in the hallways.

We had quite a heavy night
last night.

And you forgot to take off
your fancy dress make-up?

No, we got sold some dodgy pills.

We had a pretty wild time.
But they erm...

Well, they turned us orange.
I can see this.

Oh, and there's also
quite a lot of damage in the rooms,

but just bill it to my card, OK?

What card?

Hey! Hey, where are you going?

You cannot leave. You have to pay
for your damage. Ostia!

Miss Temple-Savage!
Miss Temple-Savage!

Miss Temple Savage.
There are guests trying to leave

but they have destroyed their rooms.

Miss Temple-Savage?
Where are my glasses?

I'm sorry. I had a bit
of a late night last night.

What?

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