All language subtitles for Benidorm s05e05.eng

Funny things, toes, when you think
about it, aren't they?

And the moment is ruined.

I mean, you've got ten of them, like
little fingers,

but you can't do anything with them,
can you?

Mmm.

There was a fella in Ireland did
paintings with his.

He won an Oscar for it.

I don't think I could paint a
picture with my feet. Do you, Mick?

Mmm.
Like ten little sausages.

Imagine if they were all joined
together. They'd be like two big chops.

Is that why they call them 'plates
of meat'?

Is it, Mick?
It's rhyming slang.

What?
Plates of meat... feet.

Oh, yeah. Rhyming slang.

Do you know any more?
Yeah. 'Shut the book up.'

Shut the book...?

Oh, that's nice!

Well, we can sit in silence,
if that's what you want.

Oh, finally!

Jan...

Janice, I'm sorry. All right?

It's just, I've had a lot of stress
with the sun-bed shop burning down and everything...

and this is my one chance to relax
before it all kicks off again.

Janice...

Come on. Tell me about your toes.

Well, I was just saying: imagine if
all your toes were fused together...

Oh, for Christ's sake!
You asked me to tell...

Oh, god, Mother!
What's she playing at?

I thought Borat was going home today.
He was.

I think my mother's taken a shine to
him.

She's like one of them older women
who go out with younger men... a cougar.

Cougar?

More like Freddie Krueger.

Oh, my god! I think I've come to the
wrong place.

Oh, excuse me, love. Could you tell
me where the Solana is, please?

Oh, Kenneth, you're so funny. You're
in a good mood. What's the occasion?

Are Boots doing a three-for-two on
frosted-peach lipstick?

We've had the most fabulous bit of
news.

You're being transferred to
Faliraki? No, cheeky.

A contact of mine now works for the
British Olympic Association.

So exciting! The great and the good
of Benidorm high society

are attending the gala tonight,
including the deputy mayor.

Synchronised swimming? Boring.

A load of teens with pegs on their
noses splashing around? No, thanks.

Hey, there's a lot of work goes into
them routines, Kenneth. You mark my words.

I mean, from the waist up it's all
grace and elegance,

but down below they're thrashing
about like a bag of cats in a canal, man!

I say, that's a nifty-looking set of
wheels, Madge!

The Tandoori Tandem... only one in
Benidorm.

We wanted to have a stroll on the
promenade, so I hired it for the day.

This is Mr Mohammed... he was a
friend of Mel's from Morocco.

Donald and Jacqueline Stewart. Good
to know you.

Ah, you speak Arabic?

Donald spent a bit of time in
Tangiers last year...

well, let's say on a canoeing
expedition.

You picked it up there, didn't you?

From your accent, I'd say you come
from the southwest of the country.

I live in Marrakesh, but my family's
from Casablanca.

Ah. 'Who loves ya, baby?'

Er... here's looking at you, kid.

Donald, stop it!

Honestly, he'll flirt with anyone!

I'll see you later. Bye!

What did he say? It translates as,
'I feel like chicken tonight.'

I bet he does, the mucky Arab.

No offence.

Pack your stuff up, Queen, cos we
are going on a trip.

How do you mean?
I've booked us on a booze cruise.

Booze cruise?

'We drop the anchor. You get
wankered.' Hmm, subtle.

Oh, come on, Sam. It'll be fun.

I woke up this morning wondering if
the bric-a-brac market was on.

So? I'm starting to think like an old
person!

No, you're right... we should get out
for a bit.

I've been playing Shag, Marry, Kill
round the pool, and I'm currently serving 27 life sentences for murder.

Exactly.

It comes to something when the
nearest thing to eye candy is Brylcreem Billy over there.

I think he fancies you.
Oh, behave.

He's like a shaved polar bear.

What about Liam? He's young.

What, little Ron Weasley?

You fancy him, don't you?
Get lost!

Natalie thought he was cute in a Some
Mothers Do Have 'Em way,

but nah, he's not my type at all.

Come on, then. You can help me pick
out a thong-and-sarong combo.

You know the Olympic games?
Aye.

What do all the rings stand for?

Oh, it's the five different
continents, like.

Yellow's for Australia, cos they get
a lot of sun.

Blue's for the Antarctic, cos
it's so cold.

Black's Africa... for obvious reasons.

Asia's red, cos it's full of
Communists, and green's America.

Something to do with the dollar.

You missed Europe out. Oh, I think
Europe might have joined quite late.

Kenneth, what do the five different
coloured rings represent?

Mykonos, 1989.
Ooh, what a holiday that was!

The Olympic rings were designed in
1912 by Pierre de Coubertin,

father of the modern Olympiad.

De Coubertin also coined the Olympic
motto, 'Citius, altius, fortius.'

Faster, higher, stronger!

Thank you, girls. Rest easy.

Bloody hell. It's the Hitler Youth.

Stand up, boy, when your elders
enter a room.

Hazel McCafferty. Could you tell the
manager I wish to speak with him?

Oh, it's a 'she'.

Would you tell the manager I wish to
speak with him, please, madam?

No, no, I meant the manager is a
'she'. It's a lady.

I am so sorry. Joyce Temple-Savage,
Solana manageress. You must be Hazel.

That is correct. I won't touch you.
I'm hapnophobic.

What starrage is this hotel?

I beg your pardon?
How many stars do you have?

We are what is known in the hotel
industry as four-star-pending.

So, three stars.
Girls, we are leaving.

Is there a problem?

We are preparing for the London
Olympic Games.

We are not a school trip or a hen
party.

It is paramount that my girls have
first-class accommodation and facilities,

and I don't see that in your
establishment.

Put the leaflet down, Hermione.

We are here in Spain to compete,

not to throw ourselves down a rusty
metal chute into a pool of hepatitis-filled slime.

I'm sorry. We shan't be staying.

Let's not get off on the wrong foot,
Miss McCafferty.

I have allocated your girls
Executive Twin rooms.

I have also upgraded you to the
luxurious El Presidente suite.

There's a honeymoon couple just
checked in.

They've just cancelled.

I can also offer you a free beauty
treatment at our in-house salon,

where you'll be attended
to by our very own Kenneth.

Excuse me... I'll need exclusive use
of the pool for training purposes.

I'm sure we can come to some
arrangement.

Very well. Girls, check in and go to
your rooms.

Practice will begin at 1100 hours
sharp.

We'll see how we get on.

Excuse me... I can assure you you'll
have an excellent stay here,

and your girls will be perfectly
safe with us at all times.

I wish to report an abduction and an
attempted sexual assault.

Yes, my love? Just a coffee, son.
Strong and black.

Ah, someone has been burning the
candle in both ends!

I was in town last night with Gavin,

the gentleman who's here on his own,

and we must have had the friendliest
taxi driver in all of Benidorm.

He invited us to a party with some
of his friends,

and we played the funniest game of
Blind Man's Buff.

What is Blind Man Buff?

Well, you tie somebody up, and then
you try to feel one another.

But in Spain they play it with a
full leather mask on.

And then to make it harder,
everybody took their clothes off.

Oh, what a scream!

Ta-ta!
Ta-ta.

Mateo, I want you to help me get
everyone out of the pool.

Is there a problem? The swimmers
want to practise for tonight.

Wow-wow-wow-wow!

Are you sure these girls are
English?

Well, they're British. Why?

They do not have ass like jelly.

Mateo, they're athletes, and if you
can stop slavering like a dog at a barbecue,

you might have the honour of seeing
them in action.

I empty pool.

Excuse me! Everybody, get out of the
pool!

Quick... you need to get out.
Choppy-choppy.

Vite, vite. Yalla-yalla.

Our Olympic sportswomen need the
pool for training purposes.

I'm sure you won't mind vacating the
pool for just a moment.

Thanking you for your indulgence,
this is Joyce Temple-Savage signing out.

Bloody cheek! You pay for
all-inclusive, then they turf you out the pool,

so a load of hairy lesbians can
swill their sweaty gussets!

They're very graceful athletes.

Oh, beautiful.

I could watch it all day long.

So, Mel was in business with your old
man, was he, Mohammed?

He means your father.
Ah, that is correct, yes.

And it's Mr Mohammed to you.
Eh?

His Christian name's the same as his
second name.

That's what they do in Morocco,
isn't it?

Yes, but not Christian name.

So, what is your Christian name,
then?

I do not have one.
So, your middle name's Mohammed?

It is my given name and my family
name.

Mohammed Mohammed?
Mohammed Mohammed.

It is my father's name, and his
father before that.

Bloody hell! I bet it's fun handing
out the presents round your house on Christmas Day!

They don't have Christmas, do they?
They have whatsit. Passover.

Ramadan. That's it. How do you
celebrate that?

From dawn to sunset for one month,
we must refrain from eating, drinking and sexual relations.

Jesus! I couldn't go without food
for a month.

I've always said we could learn a
thing or two from the Muslims.

When have you ever said that?

They look after their old people.

You'd never see a Muslim grandmother
left to fend for herself.

They get included.

You get included, Mam! You're always
coming on holiday with us.

Oh, a week in Benidorm, and that's
your duty done for the year... is that what you think?

I didn't say that.
If we were Muslamic,

you'd have me living with you in
your house.

Where's all this come from? You were
perfectly happy last night. What's got into you?

Oh, don't worry. I'll be out of your
hair soon enough.

Come along, Mohammed. I'd like to
show you the Benidorm Palace.

And I can see we're not wanted here.

Thank you, but first I must pray.

Do you know which way is Mecca?

Oh, don't worry about that... they
have bingo on here later.

Come on. Follow me.

What was all that about?
God knows.

Is everything to your satisfaction,
Hazel?

Just as I thought... 21 degrees.

An Olympic pool must be heated to a
minimum of 25 to 28 degrees,

and it'll be even colder tonight.

Well, it'll just make them kick a
bit harder, won't it?

Watch your splits, Madeleine!

You need a cleaner entry, Evie.
I can still see ripples.

Ah, yes. That is because the water
is cold.

Hazel, I've been thinking.

While we pamper you this afternoon,
the girls might like to do a bit of sightseeing.

They must be sick of being stuck in
a pool for hours and hours.

Out of the question. I couldn't
possibly let them go out in Benidorm.

God knows what they might pick up.

No, no. I was thinking of Calpe or
Altea... nice little Spanish towns,

where they won't see any trouble.

Well, anything to get them out of
this slum.

But I shall need to accompany them
at all times.

Oh, nonsense. You stay here and
relax.

I have got a member of staff who's
a very able chaperone. Mateo...

Si?
Go and fetch Liam.

I've got a job for him. Go on.

They're very good, aren't they?

'My dearest Troy.

I don't think I could bear to see
your face when I tell you this,

so I'm taking the coward's way out
and writing it down.

I've been a fool and can only beg
that you will...

one day forgive me.'

Yoo-hoo!

Anybody home?

Hello, love!

Look... I found this...
Oooh!

I'm sorry. I just wanted to return
this fan to you.

I'll have you know that notepaper
was laid ivory.

It's almost one pound a sheet!

Oh, 'eck.

Now, please, just leave me alone.

All right.

I am sorry.

'Eck!

It's stuck.

There you go... what did I tell you?

Wow! I'd almost forgotten what real
men look like.

Looks like there's ten times more
guys than girls, an' all.

Thank you, darling.

I'll just stick this wristband on
you. All your drinks are included.

Nice one. Are they named spirits?

Well, they've got names.

Got any Grey Goose vodka?
I've got Grey Squirrel.

Or you could have a Quack Daniels
and Coke.

You get what you pay for. Oh, yeah?
What's your gin... Pork Eater?

No, but you might be, after a few
glasses of it.

Sorry, darling. 18 to 30s only.

You what? I can't let you on if
you're over 30. Company policy.

Cheeky sod! I've got a ticket.
Well, your rep should have told you.

She is 30, anyway.
Yeah, right!

I am. I've just had a hard life.

What year were you born, then?
1989.

Making you, what, 23?
Life's not that hard, sweetheart.

Look... just because I'm slightly
older

doesn't mean I can't party down with
the rest of the kids.

What was the last tune you
downloaded?

It was... Spandau Ballet.

You're not helping yourself,
sweetheart!

Oh, let her on. She's always looked
ten years older than she is.

Thanks, Queen!

All right. Fine. We won't go.

Thanks, mate!
And if we don't get a refund,

I won't be the only one in Benidorm
with a broken arm. Ignorant tosser!

It's all right, Sam. You go and have
a good time.

I'll catch up with you later.

Are you sure?
Yeah. I'm sure.

See you.

Oh, look! There's Gavin, waving!
Whooo!

Come down! You're missing the
synchronised swimming!

Ah, he's not bothered. Bless him.

I never had him down as the sporty
type, to be honest. Did you?

Well, we can't all be blessed with
an athlete's physique.

You do a lot of sport, do you?
Yes.

We can often be found in the
weightlifting suite at the Tees Valley Gym and Sauna, can't we?

Oh, yes. Donald wipes the floor at
the over-50s clean and jerk.

And Jacqueline's snatch has to be
seen to be believed.

I don't doubt it!

Sit down, love. You'll do yourself a
mischief.

Why is everybody ignoring me?
Am I invisible or something?

Who said that?

Ah, got you!

This is ridiculous. There must be
something we can do.

Just a minute.

Ta-da!

What was it Jean-Paul Sartre said?
'Hell is other people.'

Oh, I know.
Good job it's just the two of us.

Come on. Rack up.

So, this is the lovely
town of Calpe.

This is where the local fishermen
come with their fish,

to sell to the local restaurants
here, so that they can sell it to us as food.

I don't know whether any of you have
ever had crabs,

but these are meant to be some of
the nicest ones what people have ever tasted.

Michael... There are other types of
seafood here...

in-in-including prawns, erm... little
baby octopuses...

Hey, look... they do boat trips.

It's no good... I can't think of
anything to say.

Ah, you're doing really well.
Am I?

Yeah. Well, they haven't paid, so
what are they gonna do... ask for their money back?

Girls? No, girls!

This isn't on the itinerary.

Yeah, I know. We're going off piste.

Come on... it'll be a laugh.

I don't know. Excuse me.
Do you actually go out to sea?

No. No, we go inland from here, up
the hills, near Altea!

Oh, well, I don't think that...
I'm taking the piss, mate.

We go out by the rock, four hours,
all-inclusive.

Do you actually provide
refreshments?

45 euros, all in. You'll not leave
thirsty... I'll promise you that.

There's eight of us... is that all
right?

Oh, that's the best kind of party!
Welcome aboard.

In you go, sweetheart.

Whoa! 18 to 30s, son.

I am 18.

Date of birth?
13th of May, 19...72.

I bet your maths teacher's a bit
shit, isn't she?

Ah, yeah, she's proper
strict... she makes us do fractions and...

Oh, er...

Sorry, son.

I can't really leave the girls
on their own, so...

Will you be all right here for four
hours, or do you want to go back?

Pssst!
Eh?

I'll get him on the boat... don't you
worry. I've got a plan.

I'm not sure...
Come on.

Michael? I forbid you, Michael...

Well, be careful!

Wristband!
Yeah, OK.

Take it.
OK!

Where are those cleaners when you
need them?

They poke their noses in when it's
not convenient,

but when they could finally be of
some use, they're harder to get hold of than a greased pig.

Oh, that reminds me.
I could ring our Geoff.

But... if you've had a phone all this
time,

why didn't you call the hotel
and get them to send somebody up?

I haven't got very much battery
left,

and besides, it costs a fortune
to ring Spain on an English mobile.

But you're... you're...!

Hello, Geoff. It's me, your mother.

I'm very good. How are you, son?

Oh, congratulations!

He's guessed the Countdown
Conundrum.

Now, listen. I'm going to say this
very quickly,

because I haven't got much time.

I'm sitting here on a balcony with
Gavin.

He's one of that nice couple that
helped me do YMCA at your coming-out party.

Remember?

Oh, I don't know. I'll ask him.

Are you the fat one or the thin one?

I was formerly the fat one, but as
you can see...

Yes, the fat one.

Well, anyway, you'll never believe
what happened to us last night.

We sent for a taxi, we got in and we
fastened our seatbelts...

I can't go any faster... he'll think
I'm having a stroke.

Just give me that.

Hello?

Could you please... Hello?

The battery's gone dead.

Oh, blither.

I wanted to know if Deirdre had had
her highlights done.

What did you do that for?

I was just going to charge it up.

Where's our Michael got to?

Dunno. He said he was going out with
that Liam.

I don't like not knowing where he
is.

Text him and tell him we're going
up. He's not even had his dinner.

Oh, Jan, you've got to give him a bit
of space.

He's a teenager now... he won't want
to be with us all the time.

It was exactly the same with
Chantelle.

One minute it was, 'Can you plait my
hair?'

The next it's, 'Can I get a tattoo?
Oh, and by the way, I'm pregnant.'

I wish I could get a tattoo. No,
you'll regret it when you're older.

I am older!
You never let me do anything.

Oh, shut up.

Come on!

What's the matter?
It never comes.

What's the matter with you?
Nothing!

A couple of years ago there were
seven of us on this holiday.

Now Chantelle and Coolio have moved
out, Mel's gone, Michael's growing up...

Well, that's just life. It's not a
personal vendetta against you.

I know, but I just don't know what
there's left for me to do.

I'm scared I'll turn into my mother.

You're scared? I'm bloody petrified.

Just text him for me.
Tell him to come home.

I've already done it.

I do love you, Mick Garvey.
Yeah, yeah, come on.

Let's get up to the room.

I'll give you some tips on how you
can spend the next 25 years.

The next 25 minutes, you mean.
25 minutes?

It's not your bloody birthday.

Is it possible for the refreshments
to be served soon?

All right. Steady on. We've only
just set off.

It's just that my girls are getting
dehydrated.

Your girls, eh? What are you... the
pimp out of Taxi Driver?

Am I gonna have to go all Robert de
Niro on you?

Sorry? Are you talking to me?

Yeah. Very funny.

Nah, don't worry, Snoop Dogg.
I'll have your girls hydrated.

Oh, thanks. What are they?

These are called Leg Openers.

Couple of these, and they'll be on
the deck, ankles in the air, faster than you can say 'man the lifeboats.'

Well, that's perfect, cos they need
to keep their legs up... that's their job.

Course it is, sunshine. Course it is.

Lovely, Carmen.

I thought she had a touch phobia.

Depends who's touching her,
obviously.

If this event goes well tonight,
we'll be one step closer to that fourth star.

That'll be my gold medal,

and I'll be able to pass this torch
on to somebody else.

Fingers crossed, then.

Mateo, is that
the Prosecco for tonight?

Si. I take outside.

You're not still sulking, are you?

Yes. Is unfair.

I am senior to Liam, yet he gets to
go out with the chicas, while I am here humping boxes.

I can hardly let you go with them.

It'd be like putting a mongoose in
charge of a whole load of chickens.

At least with Liam, I know they'll
stay out of trouble.

Here. This one's called a Smurf's
Cock... I think cos it's blue.

Well, it's the best offer I've had
since I've been here. Cheers.

Funny we should bump into each other
out here, isn't it?

'Of all the parties on all the boats
in all the world, you happened to walk into this one.'

I used to love Crackerjack.

Oh, yeah, and thanks for bringing a
load of teenage Olympic athletes with you an' all.

That's really helped me out!

So, you've not pulled, then?
Nah.

They're all self-indulgent tossers.

Besides, it's quite hard selling
yourself as a sexy playmate when your arm's encased in plaster.

It marks you out as being different,
and most men don't want 'different'.

They want clones.

And what about you?
What do you want?

I want a Nintendo 3DS, but my dad
keeps telling me to look at my old Nintendo and squint.

I mean, what do you want in a girl?

Dunno. Someone funny...

and vivacious.

Someone different.

I hope Michael's all right.
I wonder where he is.

Don't fret. Trudy'll look after him.

I can smell something fishy.

That might be me... it's dead hot
under here.

Let's go and have a look... I'm
gasping for a bevvy.

Come on, Benidorm... let's get this
party started!

Do you think we may have got on the
wrong boat?

Is this a party?

Yeah, I think it's safe to say we got
on the wrong boat.

When do you go back?

How many hours?

Ah, dos.

Oh, we'll be back in a couple of
hours.

No, dos dias. Dias.

Two days!

My mam's gonna kill me.

Is there no other way to get back to
Benidorm?

Oh, crap.

Michael... row the boat ashore.

There... I've just had a text off
Michael.

What does it say?
'Gone fishing.'

Fishing? I'm having words with that
Liam when they get back.

And where's my mother? She's been
gone all afternoon an' all.

Probably gone with Mohammed to join
the Taliban.

Don't be ridiculous!
There's no way my mother would...

Oh, my god!
Oh, Janice, is that you?

Do us a favour and light my ciggy,
will you? I can't see a bloody thing.

Mother, what are you playing at?

Mohammed bought it for me.

It's a traditional Muslim dress.

I know that, but what do you want to
wear it for?

Cos we're getting married.

Oh, Donald, doesn't it look fabulous?

Absolutely.

The management have certainly pulled
out all the stops.

And what a spread! Look.

Chinese, Indian, Spanish. I don't
know what to go for first!

Mmm, and the food's not bad, either.

We should be paid extra for this.
Tell me about it!

I feel a right prat, dressed like
this.

You're all right... you look a bobby
dazzler. Look at me... I look like a flippin' snooker referee.

Are these alcoholic? Yeah, that's
a mixture of creme de cassis...

Bloody hell! She's on a mission.
I know. She's had a difficult day.

Ah, well, you just make sure she
doesn't get into any mischief.

I will.

Oi, you! Where's our Michael? I
thought you were looking after him.

Oh, he's here. He's just gone up
to get changed.

We got separated.

Well, he'd better not be pissed
again, or I'll separate you from your balls.

Mateo...

Oh, yes, we're hoping to have
regular functions,

where we can attract a higher
calibre of clientele.

Of course, being three-star doesn't
help,

but as tonight demonstrates, we are
amply able to deliver a four-star service.

Come on, Carmen. Grab a couple of
melon balls and do as I do.

Lovely, Carmen.

Here you are. I don't know what they
are, but they're free.

Oh, there's all leaves in mine!

You see, that's why I hate drinking
outside.

You end up swallowing all sorts of
muck.

That won't be a problem once you've
converted.

One sip of any booze and they'll chop
your hands off faster than you can say 'simsalabim'.

Mick!

Right, then, Mother. Come on. You
promised us an explanation, so let's hear it.

All right. Don't get your knickers
in a twist.

You've known him less than 48 hours.
How can you have agreed to marry him?

It's a marriage of convenience.

As you know, Mel was doing a bit of
business with Mohammed's dad.

Mohammed Mohammed.
What? Never mind.

Well, apparently, Mel was speaking
to him just before he died,

about buying a hacienda just outside
Marrakesh.

What would Mel want with a nightclub
in Morocco?

It's not a nightclub.
A hacienda's like a big estate.

12 acres.

They agreed on a price, and Mel
arranged to pay a deposit of 650,000 dirhams.

Oh, aye, and what's that in proper
money? A tenner?

It's about 50 grand.

And the money has been sitting in a
high-interest account in Rabat ever since.

Bloody hell!

Mel didn't want to put it in his own
name, because, otherwise, the bailiffs would have been after it,

so Mr Mohammed suggested putting it
into his son's name.

Mohammed.
Mohammed Mohammed.

He wants to give me the money back.
Only, there's so many legal loopholes,

we could be waiting years for them
to sort it out.

So he offered to marry you.

Once we have the same name,

he can move the money over, no
questions asked.

Quick divorce, and we're back
in business.

It's a miracle!
It's a bloody miracle!

I told you something would turn up,
didn't I?

I dunno. It all sounds too good to
be true to me.

What's he talking about?

That's my money, you know. It's not
a frigging free-for-all!

Hello? Hello?
Oh, thank you, thank you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Buenas noches.

This is Joyce Temple-Savage
welcoming you to the Gala Olympic Celebration.

Now, we do have for entertainment

the British Olympic Synchronised
Swimming team. Yes!

But before that, because we always
go for Gold here at the Solana,

please welcome our very own Asa
Elliot!

♪ Gold... always believe in your soul ♪

♪ You've got the power to know ♪

♪ You're indestructible ♪

♪ Always believing ♪

♪ Cos you are gold ♪

So... I'm a woman.

I'm British. I'm a public figure.

I'm not a singer. I'm not an
actress.

I'm not a newsreader. I'm not a
dancer.

But I am a former Prime Minister?

I believe we've established that over
the past...90 minutes, yes.

Erm...

It's no use... you're going to have
to give me a clue.

Er...

'You turn if you want to.

The lady's not for turning.'

Martina Ratnavalova!

No! You're Margaret Thatcher!

All right? Margaret Thatcher!

Of course!

I should have asked: did I ever wear
a fuchsia two-piece with pearls

and a Ferragamo court shoe?

Wait a minute. My second question
was:

'Do I work in the music industry?'

And you said 'no'.

Well, she doesn't.

Oh, you're thinking of the other
Tina Turner.

The other Tina Turner?

Yes. I was thinking of the one that
works in the Co-Op at Wythenshawe.

She's a real character,
is Tina. You should meet her.

Yes, I should, and then perhaps I'd
have a chance of guessing who she is

in this stupid bloody game!

I think you're a little bit upset,
aren't you?

Have you fallen out with your
friend? A lover's tiff?

None of your business.

Well, we all do daft things from
time to time.

I remember when our Pauline rang me
while I was doing the ironing.

Oh, I nearly took my ear off.

But whenever I got myself into a
state,

Ron would say to me, 'Noggin...'

cos that's what he called me.

'Noggin, there's no point you saying
sorry to me,

until you've forgiven yourself.

Remember: to err is human, to
forgive divine.'

To err is human, to
forgive... divine.

Thank you.

Of course, I didn't know who this
Divine woman was,

but I forgave her, anyway.

Ah, Hazel. Asa's just got a couple
of numbers,

and we'll be ready for your girls in
15 minutes... all right?

No, it is most certainly not
all right. Look!

What's wrong with them? They are
inebriated... that's what.

It seems the oafish handyman you
sent them out with

saw fit to coerce them onto a party
boat and ply them with alcohol.

Can they still do their aerobics,
though?

I beg your pardon?
I mean that water-dancing thingy.

We've got fireworks and everything!

I arrived with six Olympic athletes

and I'm leaving with a gaggle of
drunkards reeking of vomit and tequila.

Welcome to Benidorm.

Why don't they just get in the water
and have a splash about?

We can announce it as a paralympic
team... this lot'll not even know the difference.

How dare you?
That is deeply, deeply insulting!

Well, I mean...

Girls, out now!

Get out of the pool! You're not fit
to be in the water!

Oh, no! It's a disaster!

I'm going to be a laughing stock.

Leave this to me, pet.
Mateo, follow me.

Kenneth!

Sam? What's going on?

What the hell are you doing?

I'm drunk. I'm desperate.
He was standing in front of me. OK?

This could be the start of a
beautiful friendship.

What happened to you, anyway?
Been on t'pull?

Yeah, I pulled this.

Is that a red snapper?
'Ey!

Her name's Trudy.

So, are these what they call the
chains of office?

Only, we've got some chains in our
room,

but they're not quite as fancy
as that.

I think I see Troy in the bushes.

Ooh, having a bit of a secret tryst,
are they?

That's what I love about the gays...
they'll do it anywhere!

No, it's a photo... look.

Probably blew down off Gavin's
balcony.

Let's go up and return it to him.
See if we can't entice him down to join in the fun.

Yes, good idea.

Don't go away, cos I'll be back in a
jiffy.

Here... have some of this and loosen
up a bit.

♪ Gold ♪

Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen,
that was Asa Elliot singing Gold.

Erm... I'm afraid there's been a
slight change to the published schedule,

in that the synchronised-swimming
display has had to be cancelled.

I'm sorry. So, if you'd like to make
your way to the exits,

which you'll find located here...

Hang on! Hang on!

What?

It might not be Esther Williams, but
we're gonna try and put a show on for you.

Stop fiddling with your bits and
dive in. It's uncomfortable.

Oh, I see you tucked yours between
your legs.

No, I haven't, you cheeky bastard!

Tom Daley, eat your heart out!

Oh, my God! That's my dad!

Hey! Pool party!
What?

Sam! What are you...

Oh, sod it. You're only young once.

There you are! Where have you been
all this time?

I've been out. I sent you a text.

A text? I'm your mother, not one of
your friends.

Tell me about it.

Did you have a good time, son?
Yeah.

Why the long face, then?

Well, I want to jump in the pool,
but my mam's not gonna let me.

No, she's not.

I'm gonna throw you in!

Come on, then. One, two, three!

Hermione, Madeleine... out now!

You're a disgrace to your sport and
a disgrace to your country!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Hello, Gavin! It's just us.

We've found something of yours...

Oh, he's with Noreen... look.

Shall we join them? No, best leave
them to it and get back downstairs.

I think what this pool party needs
is a bit of skinny dipping!

Oh, yes!

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