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1
00:00:38,300 --> 00:00:41,500
Eva Braun's got them all hard at it
this morning, eh? Yeah.
2
00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,940
That reminds me.
3
00:00:45,940 --> 00:00:49,340
I might get the ladyshave out
and do my bikini line later.
4
00:00:56,740 --> 00:00:59,940
Second thoughts, I might leave it.
5
00:01:07,060 --> 00:01:10,539
Good morning, everybody!
Joyce Temple Savage here,
6
00:01:10,540 --> 00:01:13,099
saying Buenas Dias,
Senors and Senores.
7
00:01:13,100 --> 00:01:16,379
She don't let up with them bloody
announcements, does she?
8
00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:20,699
The woman's got no class. Not
got a clue how to run a business.
9
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:24,019
As my Mel used to say,
you've either got it or you've not.
10
00:01:24,020 --> 00:01:26,979
Isn't that what he used to say to
the bailiffs an' all?
11
00:01:26,980 --> 00:01:29,619
I shall choose to ignore that.
12
00:01:29,620 --> 00:01:32,059
Have you seen this? What?
13
00:01:32,060 --> 00:01:34,739
Apparently there's a gang
going round Benidorm
14
00:01:34,740 --> 00:01:37,739
and kidnapping people off the
streets. Don't talk rot.
15
00:01:37,740 --> 00:01:41,300
It'll be young slappers coming here
drinking themselves silly
16
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:43,220
and climbing into cars with fellas.
17
00:01:43,221 --> 00:01:46,779
No, it says here,
they're stealing people's organs.
18
00:01:46,780 --> 00:01:52,099
'A young woman from Chorley
went missing for three days,
19
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:57,779
then turned up dazed and confused
in the car park behind the KFC.'
20
00:01:57,780 --> 00:02:00,459
This is Benidorm, that's a good
night out, is that.
21
00:02:00,460 --> 00:02:02,499
Claimed she'd been drugged
22
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:06,419
and had a big scar where her kidney
used to be. Bloody hell!
23
00:02:06,420 --> 00:02:08,459
Oi, young man. Language!
24
00:02:08,460 --> 00:02:11,099
You're not too old for smack
on the arse, you know.
25
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:14,220
It's big business! Kidneys, lungs!
26
00:02:14,220 --> 00:02:18,740
It says here, 'Benidorm is becoming
the organ theft capital of Spain.'
27
00:02:19,780 --> 00:02:24,659
Morning. Only me.
I'm sorry to be late.
28
00:02:24,660 --> 00:02:27,499
I was half way down in the lift
29
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:31,340
and I realised I'd left my
tiddlywinks in the room.
30
00:02:31,340 --> 00:02:35,980
Not to worry, I've got them now.
Is that one free?
31
00:02:37,380 --> 00:02:41,019
Excuse me. Thank you.
32
00:02:41,020 --> 00:02:45,979
Flaming heck, that gang didn't leave
a number, did they?
33
00:02:45,980 --> 00:02:48,859
Staff announcement,
staff announcement,
34
00:02:48,860 --> 00:02:52,019
would all members of the poolside
team please report to my office?
35
00:02:52,020 --> 00:02:56,059
All poolside staff to la officina
por favor.
36
00:02:56,060 --> 00:02:57,979
Gracias!
37
00:02:57,980 --> 00:03:00,779
I don't know what you see
in that drip!
38
00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:03,019
I don't see anything.
Just cos I smiled,
39
00:03:03,020 --> 00:03:05,939
it doesn't mean I'll be tugging
at his budgie smugglers!
40
00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:09,779
There's no harm in a smile. I smile.
No, you snarl.
41
00:03:17,340 --> 00:03:19,259
Call me old fashioned,
42
00:03:19,260 --> 00:03:22,219
but I think a man likes a woman
to be feminine, lady like.
43
00:03:22,220 --> 00:03:24,300
He doesn't want his date
to cup a fart,
44
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:27,540
and shout, 'Have a bite of that'!
Excuse me, I have never...
45
00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:30,939
Oh, yeah. I bet you ten Euros
46
00:03:30,940 --> 00:03:36,539
you can't go the whole day and night
being ladylike and polite.
47
00:03:36,540 --> 00:03:39,139
20 Euros and you're on!
48
00:03:39,140 --> 00:03:43,259
Right! 20 Euros it is!
No being rude, swearing,
49
00:03:43,260 --> 00:03:46,699
clearing your nasal passages,
farting,
50
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,699
burping the theme tune
to The Simpsons
51
00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:51,099
or showing violence
or threatening behaviour.
52
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:53,139
Violence? Like karaoke
the other night
53
00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:55,580
when you grabbed
that bloke's knackers
54
00:03:55,580 --> 00:03:57,860
and made him sing the Communards?
55
00:03:59,580 --> 00:04:03,460
How long have I got to keep this up?
Til midnight tonight!
56
00:04:04,220 --> 00:04:06,980
Hang on, give us a sec.
57
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,420
Oh.
58
00:04:14,260 --> 00:04:18,140
You're on. Easy money.
59
00:04:24,740 --> 00:04:27,579
The Solana can be
a four star hotel.
60
00:04:27,580 --> 00:04:30,100
And in the words of Susan Boyle...
61
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,100
'I have a dream.'
62
00:04:33,500 --> 00:04:35,659
This is about standards,
63
00:04:35,660 --> 00:04:41,299
and I have invited the editor of
Costa Class, Victor St James,
64
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:43,339
to review The Solana.
65
00:04:43,340 --> 00:04:45,579
Costa Class? I have never heard
of this.
66
00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:49,219
Well, it's a Which Hotel magazine
for Spain.
67
00:04:49,220 --> 00:04:51,179
A magazine for witches?
68
00:04:51,180 --> 00:04:53,219
You English people are crazy.
69
00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:56,499
This gentleman deals in top end
accommodation,
70
00:04:56,500 --> 00:05:01,139
so we have to show him how classy
and professional we are.
71
00:05:01,140 --> 00:05:03,419
Well, I think I can speak
on behalf of all of us
72
00:05:03,420 --> 00:05:05,739
when I say we've been working
our bollocks off,
73
00:05:05,740 --> 00:05:09,259
so it's only a matter of time til
we are shitting class!
74
00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:12,699
Yes, but we don't have any time,
because he's coming tonight!
75
00:05:12,700 --> 00:05:14,779
Tonight? Hostia!
It was my night off!
76
00:05:14,780 --> 00:05:17,419
I know it's very short notice,
77
00:05:17,420 --> 00:05:21,339
but Mr St James expects the best,
so I've sent the chef home,
78
00:05:21,340 --> 00:05:24,219
and Mateo I want you in the kitchen.
79
00:05:24,220 --> 00:05:26,259
Sounds lovely,
80
00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:29,459
but I think we'll stick to paella,
traditional Spanish.
81
00:05:29,460 --> 00:05:34,179
Leslie, although Victor probably did
go to public school
82
00:05:34,180 --> 00:05:37,379
and has seen it all, I think you
should take the night off
83
00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:41,339
and allow Les to handle this.
Aw, god bless you, Mrs Savage.
84
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:43,339
I haven't had a night off for...
85
00:05:43,340 --> 00:05:45,379
Oh, bollocks.
86
00:05:45,380 --> 00:05:48,539
Liam, I am very impressed by how
calm you've been.
87
00:05:48,540 --> 00:05:50,419
I thought you'd panic for sure.
88
00:05:50,420 --> 00:05:53,179
Oh uh... Sorry.
89
00:05:53,180 --> 00:05:56,180
The hedge trimmer was giving me a
migraine!
90
00:05:56,180 --> 00:05:58,180
Have we started yet?
91
00:06:04,060 --> 00:06:07,859
Ok, here's another one.
92
00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:13,699
I spy with my little eye something
beginning with "h".
93
00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:15,859
Hotel? No.
94
00:06:15,860 --> 00:06:19,979
Hand. Hands? No. Handbag? No.
95
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,619
Oh, I've got you all guessing now!
96
00:06:22,620 --> 00:06:25,259
Are you having a guess, Mother?
Am I shite!
97
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:28,299
Come on. Leave her. She's miserable!
OK then...
98
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:31,339
How about "h" for how come
I've been sitting here 40 minutes
99
00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:33,259
without you getting a drink in!
100
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:35,299
Bone idle you, Mick.
101
00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:39,139
Can't even supply your own loved
ones with a round of drinks.
102
00:06:39,140 --> 00:06:41,179
Of course I can.
103
00:06:41,180 --> 00:06:43,859
Michael, go and get a round in,
there's a good lad.
104
00:06:43,860 --> 00:06:46,859
Lazy bugger. How about you
getting me a drink for a change?
105
00:06:46,860 --> 00:06:50,179
Ladies don't get the drinks in,
a gentleman does that.
106
00:06:50,180 --> 00:06:52,539
My Mel was a gentleman,
107
00:06:52,540 --> 00:06:55,179
never left me sitting without
a drink in my hand.
108
00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:58,939
No, left you sitting without a
pot to piss in, though, didn't he?
109
00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:01,619
Right. I'm not sticking around here
to be insulted.
110
00:07:01,620 --> 00:07:04,500
Mother, he's only winding you up,
Mick, tell her.
111
00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:06,940
She's winding me up.
Right, I'm off to shops.
112
00:07:10,540 --> 00:07:12,900
H was for holiday.
113
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:18,380
We're all on holiday!
114
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:27,100
Morning, Madge!
115
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:32,499
What's that you're reading?
It's the newsletter from the MSA.
116
00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:35,459
Oh, that's nice.
Duck faced Dennis is hosting
117
00:07:35,460 --> 00:07:37,979
but now the finger buffet is at the
end of the night
118
00:07:37,980 --> 00:07:39,819
rather than the start.
119
00:07:39,820 --> 00:07:42,339
Aww, makes sense I suppose.
120
00:07:42,340 --> 00:07:45,459
There's been a whip round for a gum
shield for big Donna
121
00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:48,139
since she had her braces fitted.
Ooooh, lovely.
122
00:07:48,140 --> 00:07:52,379
And the police have asked Fiona
and Mandy to drain their hot tub.
123
00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:54,939
Awwww!
124
00:07:54,940 --> 00:07:58,859
There's also a wee article
for a phone application
125
00:07:58,860 --> 00:08:02,979
that locates swingers in your local
area. Oooooh, really.
126
00:08:02,980 --> 00:08:05,019
Can we use it here?
127
00:08:05,020 --> 00:08:07,059
Anywhere in the world apparently.
128
00:08:07,060 --> 00:08:10,860
You just download it,
it does a search,
129
00:08:10,860 --> 00:08:15,900
and Bob's your uncle, before you
know it, it's grab flab and stab!
130
00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:22,019
Not too rough with Mr Dixon, Carmen,
131
00:08:22,020 --> 00:08:24,379
and I'd skip the head massage
if I were you.
132
00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:26,420
Last time it looked like somebody
133
00:08:26,420 --> 00:08:28,860
had emptied a box of Special K
over the floor.
134
00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:33,219
How do you get your hair like that,
Madge? My hair?
135
00:08:33,220 --> 00:08:36,820
Oh, it's a mess today. I know. Just
wondered how you got it like that.
136
00:08:36,820 --> 00:08:39,540
Piss off! Oh, I was only joking.
137
00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:43,300
Maddy old cow.
138
00:08:57,700 --> 00:08:59,860
Excuse me!
139
00:08:59,860 --> 00:09:02,700
Sorry. Yeah, you will be!
140
00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:09,540
Excuse me.
141
00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:11,540
Do you have a light?
142
00:09:12,780 --> 00:09:16,060
Get off me! Who are you?!
Get your hands off me!
143
00:09:16,060 --> 00:09:18,340
Get off me! I don't wanna get in.
144
00:09:19,260 --> 00:09:21,460
Nana!
145
00:09:38,999 --> 00:09:41,838
Morning, Gavin. Go away!
146
00:09:41,839 --> 00:09:43,958
That's not very polite.
147
00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:46,478
Go away... please?
148
00:09:46,479 --> 00:09:49,878
Are we feeling a little tender?
149
00:09:49,879 --> 00:09:53,158
I beg your pardon.
Too much sex on the beach?
150
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:55,198
Have you been speaking to Kenneth?
151
00:09:55,199 --> 00:09:57,238
Whatever he has said, it's all lies.
152
00:09:57,239 --> 00:09:59,278
I meant your head.
153
00:09:59,279 --> 00:10:01,358
Cocktail hangover, is it?
154
00:10:01,359 --> 00:10:03,398
Look, Noreen, I don't mean
to be rude
155
00:10:03,399 --> 00:10:06,158
but I'm not in a very good place
right now.
156
00:10:06,159 --> 00:10:09,038
Well, we can move into the sun
if you like?
157
00:10:09,039 --> 00:10:11,598
What I mean is that I'm not good
company right now.
158
00:10:11,599 --> 00:10:15,398
That's still better
than no company at all.
159
00:10:15,399 --> 00:10:19,838
Now, why don't I go and order
a nice coffee
160
00:10:19,839 --> 00:10:22,278
and you just sit there and relax.
161
00:10:22,279 --> 00:10:24,718
That sounds like bliss.
Thank you, Noreen.
162
00:10:24,719 --> 00:10:27,439
And when I come back...
163
00:10:27,439 --> 00:10:30,079
we can have a lovely game
of Scrabble.
164
00:10:38,319 --> 00:10:40,500
Right, the bladder is empty
and the drinks are ordered.
165
00:10:40,501 --> 00:10:45,141
Good, cos I feel like getting
absolutely twa-twa-twa... Twanged!
166
00:10:45,141 --> 00:10:48,341
Totally twanged!
167
00:10:48,421 --> 00:10:50,341
This being a lady lark
is a piece of pi...
168
00:10:51,501 --> 00:10:55,380
cake! You're gonna be 20 Euros
lighter come midnight!
169
00:10:55,381 --> 00:10:57,420
Don't get too cocky.
170
00:10:57,421 --> 00:10:59,501
I've got a feeling
it may get tougher.
171
00:10:59,501 --> 00:11:02,501
Jesus! What the f...!
172
00:11:04,061 --> 00:11:06,981
Sorry. Sorry? So it was you,
you little...
173
00:11:08,021 --> 00:11:09,900
sweetheart!
174
00:11:09,901 --> 00:11:12,900
You nearly gave me a heart attack.
175
00:11:12,901 --> 00:11:15,341
Old people talk funny.
176
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,341
Old?
177
00:11:18,501 --> 00:11:20,501
Right. Run along, sonny.
178
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,300
Can you believe him?
179
00:11:24,301 --> 00:11:27,261
Cheeky little ba... Ah ah!
180
00:11:27,261 --> 00:11:29,261
The clock is still running!
181
00:11:33,381 --> 00:11:36,221
I'm sorry, Joyce.
I'm absolutely choc a bloc.
182
00:11:36,221 --> 00:11:39,381
You must be joking,
I've never see anybody in here.
183
00:11:39,581 --> 00:11:43,060
Excuse me, excuse me. We need
to speak to you. It's my mother.
184
00:11:43,061 --> 00:11:46,740
Certainly. Can I be of assistance?
We think she's been kidnapped.
185
00:11:46,741 --> 00:11:49,461
My son saw her getting dragged in
to the back of a car.
186
00:11:49,461 --> 00:11:51,421
They're very keen, these taxi
drivers.
187
00:11:51,422 --> 00:11:55,660
You've only got to hang by the
bus stop for a few moments, they think you're fair game.
188
00:11:55,661 --> 00:11:57,820
For God's sake.
It's Madge, isn't it? Yeah.
189
00:11:57,821 --> 00:12:00,780
Yeah, I saw her earlier on.
I think she was going to the shops.
190
00:12:00,781 --> 00:12:04,260
There you are. She's probably bumped
in to old friends and got chatting.
191
00:12:04,261 --> 00:12:07,420
Friends? You obviously don't know
her that well, do you?
192
00:12:07,421 --> 00:12:09,500
Michael, tell the woman
what you saw.
193
00:12:09,501 --> 00:12:12,820
Well, I saw a bloke
follow her out of here,
194
00:12:12,821 --> 00:12:17,020
and I went outside and he was
dragging her in to a car. Car. Car.
195
00:12:17,021 --> 00:12:19,500
Well, can you describe this
gentleman?
196
00:12:19,501 --> 00:12:23,060
He was quite tall, he had a beard.
Didn't look English.
197
00:12:23,061 --> 00:12:25,780
Oh, him! He was absolutely gorgeous.
198
00:12:25,781 --> 00:12:28,460
I asked if he wanted a hot shave
but didn't get anywhere.
199
00:12:28,461 --> 00:12:30,820
You said you hadn't got any
appointments.
200
00:12:30,821 --> 00:12:33,500
I can always find an opening for
some people, Joyce.
201
00:12:33,501 --> 00:12:36,860
Oh, come on, let's go to the police.
No, let's not be hasty.
202
00:12:36,861 --> 00:12:38,621
You'll get nowhere with them
203
00:12:38,621 --> 00:12:40,581
if she's been missing less than
48 hours.
204
00:12:40,582 --> 00:12:44,020
Now, I've got contacts there.
205
00:12:44,021 --> 00:12:45,861
Why don't I speak to them
206
00:12:45,861 --> 00:12:48,061
and you go and look for her?
Right. Come on.
207
00:12:50,141 --> 00:12:52,620
Very nice of you to offer to help.
208
00:12:52,621 --> 00:12:55,780
So there is a soft side
to La Savage after all.
209
00:12:55,781 --> 00:12:58,341
We don't want police swarming
round the place
210
00:12:58,341 --> 00:13:00,581
when our friend arrives later now,
do we?
211
00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:04,700
You're not busy, are you?
What about a French Plait?
212
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:08,421
Oh, you're joking, aren't you?
I had a Chinese buffet for lunch.
213
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:12,021
I couldn't eat another thing.
Gonna help them look for Madge.
214
00:13:14,821 --> 00:13:16,781
Oh, come on, son!
215
00:13:18,261 --> 00:13:20,300
Have you heard anything?
216
00:13:20,301 --> 00:13:23,820
Not yet. He's gone far too long.
It's nearly siesta.
217
00:13:23,821 --> 00:13:26,380
The supermarkets will be closed.
Have faith!
218
00:13:26,381 --> 00:13:28,421
This is him now.
219
00:13:28,421 --> 00:13:31,381
Liam, son, are you OK?
220
00:13:32,421 --> 00:13:36,821
OK, son, just calm down.
Speak very slowly.
221
00:13:38,221 --> 00:13:40,421
Which police station are you in?
222
00:13:40,421 --> 00:13:42,301
Gotcha!
223
00:13:45,581 --> 00:13:48,500
Now, it wasn't easy.
Some of them were quite tricky.
224
00:13:48,501 --> 00:13:50,981
I thought Saffron
was a posh girl's name,
225
00:13:50,981 --> 00:13:53,221
but turns out it's a spice as well.
226
00:13:55,341 --> 00:13:57,701
And don't get me started on
cummin!
227
00:13:57,701 --> 00:14:00,221
Wait! There is something missing!
228
00:14:01,061 --> 00:14:03,380
The chicken!
229
00:14:03,381 --> 00:14:06,700
Tell me you got the chicken!
230
00:14:06,701 --> 00:14:08,740
You got the chicken, didn't you, son?
231
00:14:08,741 --> 00:14:10,900
I told you we could not rely on him.
232
00:14:10,901 --> 00:14:14,140
Shhh shhh shhhh!
Relax. Of course I did.
233
00:14:14,141 --> 00:14:16,181
What do you think I am, stupid?
234
00:14:16,181 --> 00:14:18,581
So, where is it?
235
00:14:25,861 --> 00:14:28,181
You asked for fresh!
236
00:14:34,221 --> 00:14:37,701
Oh, Jacqueline,
that's another one come through.
237
00:14:37,701 --> 00:14:39,701
Oh, let's have a look.
238
00:14:41,221 --> 00:14:47,300
Oh, my goodness, reminds me
of the old Amsterdam days.
239
00:14:47,301 --> 00:14:49,820
Are them her legs?
It would appear so.
240
00:14:49,821 --> 00:14:53,340
Hello, they're coming
thick and fast now.
241
00:14:53,341 --> 00:14:56,380
It must be that picture
of Condoleeza Rice
242
00:14:56,381 --> 00:14:59,061
that I put on my profile.
243
00:14:59,061 --> 00:15:01,981
Hmmm, you've a very good likeness
in the right light.
244
00:15:25,301 --> 00:15:30,460
It's no good, it's still switched
off. Mick, what are we going to do?
245
00:15:30,461 --> 00:15:34,740
Calm down, we'll find her. What if
we don't? What if the gang's got her
246
00:15:34,741 --> 00:15:39,820
and they're cutting her up? They're
not going to be chopping Nana up.
247
00:15:39,821 --> 00:15:43,300
They're just going to make an
incision across her chest. Mick!
248
00:15:43,301 --> 00:15:47,100
Here you are, I've got these, these
should help. What are they?
249
00:15:47,101 --> 00:15:49,860
Here we go, we'll find her in
no time with these!
250
00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:52,340
You reckon? I think I got
the scooter wrong.
251
00:15:52,341 --> 00:15:55,580
No, I don't flamin' reckon.
She isn't even on her scooter.
252
00:15:55,581 --> 00:15:58,500
'Answers to the name of'...
Christ. She's not a poodle!
253
00:15:58,501 --> 00:16:00,260
I was only trying to help.
254
00:16:00,261 --> 00:16:02,260
Over there!
255
00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:05,380
Madge! Nanna! Stop!
256
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:08,620
Come on, down here! Stop! Madge!
257
00:16:08,621 --> 00:16:10,661
Stop! Madge! Stop!
258
00:16:10,661 --> 00:16:12,661
Nana!
259
00:16:13,941 --> 00:16:16,141
Quick, quick. Here, here!
260
00:16:16,981 --> 00:16:19,221
Follow that car.
261
00:16:19,221 --> 00:16:23,261
What's Spanish for 'follow that
car'? Senor, follow that car!
262
00:16:36,581 --> 00:16:38,940
Hiya. You all right?
263
00:16:38,941 --> 00:16:42,380
Your friend promised me an ice cream
but didn't pay up.
264
00:16:42,381 --> 00:16:45,020
How do you mean?
She said if I threw my ball at you
265
00:16:45,021 --> 00:16:47,020
she'd buy me an ice cream.
266
00:16:47,021 --> 00:16:49,700
Did she now!
267
00:16:49,701 --> 00:16:53,180
Well, how's about I treat you
to one?
268
00:16:53,181 --> 00:16:55,541
Yeah, go on. But first...
269
00:16:55,541 --> 00:16:57,741
I need you to do me a little favour.
270
00:17:04,541 --> 00:17:06,581
Aw, she looks dead sad. Yeah.
271
00:17:06,581 --> 00:17:08,901
Puts me in mind of somebody...
272
00:17:10,301 --> 00:17:14,420
Meryl Streep! What are you two
going on about now?
273
00:17:14,421 --> 00:17:17,980
You know, man, that film,
what was it called? Um...
274
00:17:17,981 --> 00:17:22,900
Sophie's Choice. Aw, no. Poor Meryl.
Do not get too attached.
275
00:17:22,901 --> 00:17:26,140
Soon you have to decide which one
of you will be the...
276
00:17:26,141 --> 00:17:29,141
No, we can't do that.
Look at her little face.
277
00:17:29,141 --> 00:17:32,621
You have any better ideas? Mateo!
278
00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:36,660
Quick, hide it!
279
00:17:36,661 --> 00:17:38,900
Ah, there you are!
How's it coming along?
280
00:17:38,901 --> 00:17:42,300
Good. It is all good!
You seem a bit edgy.
281
00:17:42,301 --> 00:17:45,660
Oh, I have a lot to do. This
recipe has to be perfect for you.
282
00:17:45,661 --> 00:17:48,820
What was that?
What was what?
283
00:17:48,821 --> 00:17:52,300
That! It sounded just like...
284
00:17:52,301 --> 00:17:54,660
There again!
285
00:17:54,661 --> 00:17:59,100
No, no. Ah, that was probably me,
I've got this um...
286
00:17:59,101 --> 00:18:02,060
gag reflex to the smell
of rice cooking.
287
00:18:02,061 --> 00:18:05,701
Well, it
didn't sound like you that time.
288
00:18:05,701 --> 00:18:07,981
No, it was me. Family trait.
289
00:18:14,981 --> 00:18:16,940
Les, it is time.
290
00:18:16,941 --> 00:18:19,140
Liam, it's time.
291
00:18:19,141 --> 00:18:23,700
I'm gonna take her somewhere quiet
and then...
292
00:18:23,701 --> 00:18:25,861
No, I... I don't want to know.
293
00:18:25,861 --> 00:18:28,061
Just do it quickly.
294
00:18:36,101 --> 00:18:40,540
Won't that ice cream melt while
you're eating your burger?
295
00:18:40,541 --> 00:18:43,021
No, it's not my ice cream.
It's Scot's.
296
00:18:43,021 --> 00:18:44,981
Who's Scot?
297
00:18:47,741 --> 00:18:50,461
There you go, Scot.
298
00:18:54,661 --> 00:18:57,141
I know your tricks.
You won't break me.
299
00:18:58,181 --> 00:19:00,341
Oh, shit!
300
00:19:01,581 --> 00:19:05,021
Now now! That's not very ladylike
is it?
301
00:19:16,861 --> 00:19:18,861
Stop! It's there!
302
00:19:23,101 --> 00:19:25,741
Are you sure that's the same car?
Yeah.
303
00:19:28,221 --> 00:19:30,861
Bloody rubbish.
We could have walked faster.
304
00:19:35,541 --> 00:19:38,260
What are you doing?
Seeing if it's still warm?
305
00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:41,020
I was wondering if this silver
goes with my colouring.
306
00:19:41,021 --> 00:19:43,180
This is definitely the car!
307
00:19:43,181 --> 00:19:46,140
Oh! There's still no answer.
308
00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:47,980
Maybe she's all right.
309
00:19:47,981 --> 00:19:51,620
I mean, she didn't exactly look
terrified when we saw her.
310
00:19:51,621 --> 00:19:54,780
Hmm, you have to watch these Arabs.
I did a week in Sharm el Sheikh.
311
00:19:54,781 --> 00:19:57,100
It's please and thank you
getting into the taxi
312
00:19:57,101 --> 00:19:59,700
then the other end
the fare's triple what they asked,
313
00:19:59,701 --> 00:20:02,020
and you've got to nosh them off
to the bargain.
314
00:20:02,021 --> 00:20:04,421
Oooh, anybody else hungry?
315
00:20:04,421 --> 00:20:06,661
Shh!
316
00:20:13,181 --> 00:20:15,181
Mick!
317
00:20:18,061 --> 00:20:20,220
Oh, hello. Oh my God, Jacqueline.
318
00:20:20,221 --> 00:20:24,300
Are you all right?
What are you doing here?
319
00:20:24,301 --> 00:20:27,300
What's going on? Have you
seen Madge? Is she sterilised?
320
00:20:27,301 --> 00:20:29,340
Kenneth!
321
00:20:29,341 --> 00:20:32,140
What a lovely surprise.
322
00:20:32,141 --> 00:20:35,180
Mick. Janice.
What the hell's going on?
323
00:20:35,181 --> 00:20:37,461
Perhaps we should step outside.
324
00:20:37,461 --> 00:20:40,101
Come on Michael, out. Out!
325
00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:48,380
So, what? Are you involved in all
this organ transplant stuff.
326
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:52,500
Organ transplant? No no no.
This is all very consenting.
327
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:56,500
So, what were you doing in there?
Oh, just a bit of role play.
328
00:20:56,501 --> 00:20:59,300
We were supposed to join a session
this evening
329
00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:02,341
but we couldn't find an astronaut
costume to fit Jacqueline.
330
00:21:02,341 --> 00:21:07,061
Did you say you were looking for
Madge? Last time we saw her... Nana!
331
00:21:08,261 --> 00:21:11,460
Oh, Mother, thank God you're all
right. Course I'm all right.
332
00:21:11,461 --> 00:21:13,940
We thought you'd been kidnapped.
333
00:21:13,941 --> 00:21:16,860
Kidnapped? What the frig
you talking about?
334
00:21:16,861 --> 00:21:19,300
Oh, it don't matter.
As long as you're safe.
335
00:21:19,301 --> 00:21:21,580
But I saw that fella drag you into
that car.
336
00:21:21,581 --> 00:21:24,220
Oh... There he is!
337
00:21:24,221 --> 00:21:27,541
Madge, is everything all right?
338
00:21:27,541 --> 00:21:32,181
Everybody, I'd like you
to meet Mohammed...
339
00:21:43,138 --> 00:21:45,774
Hello. Is everything all right?
340
00:21:45,774 --> 00:21:48,433
Yes, yes. Bit of a heavy afternoon.
341
00:21:48,692 --> 00:21:51,251
My wife has lost most
of the feeling in her legs
342
00:21:51,252 --> 00:21:54,051
but we're hoping she'll be all right
by this evening.
343
00:21:54,052 --> 00:21:57,211
I hope the accident didn't occur
on Solana premises.
344
00:21:57,212 --> 00:22:00,411
Oh, don't worry, there was no
accident. Just over did it slightly.
345
00:22:00,412 --> 00:22:02,331
Didn't we? Oh, yeah.
346
00:22:02,332 --> 00:22:04,131
Yes, I see.
347
00:22:04,132 --> 00:22:06,651
Well, plenty of time to relax now.
348
00:22:06,652 --> 00:22:10,931
No, no, we've got another session
lined up for this evening. Session?
349
00:22:10,932 --> 00:22:13,411
All credit to this wee gizmo here.
350
00:22:13,412 --> 00:22:15,971
Are you familiar with swing finder?
351
00:22:15,972 --> 00:22:18,051
Swing finder?
352
00:22:18,052 --> 00:22:20,771
Oh yes, the must-have app
for the modern day swinger.
353
00:22:20,772 --> 00:22:24,451
Oh, no.
It's not another one, is it?
354
00:22:24,452 --> 00:22:27,091
No, it's just confirmation
for tonight's session.
355
00:22:27,092 --> 00:22:30,171
Oh, I say, they're sending a car
for us.
356
00:22:30,172 --> 00:22:33,372
Now, that's stylish. Oh, lovely.
357
00:22:33,372 --> 00:22:37,012
I'm sure there's room for another if
you're at a loose end this evening?
358
00:22:46,812 --> 00:22:49,011
Thank you, Mohammed.
You are most welcome.
359
00:22:49,012 --> 00:22:51,131
So, let's get this straight.
360
00:22:51,132 --> 00:22:54,051
You know my mother through Mel.
Is that right?
361
00:22:54,052 --> 00:22:56,651
Mel did a bit of business with
Mohammed's Dad.
362
00:22:56,652 --> 00:23:00,131
Did he now? I met Madge's husband
several times with my father.
363
00:23:00,132 --> 00:23:03,251
Mel told us all
about his beautiful wife.
364
00:23:03,252 --> 00:23:06,331
Yeah, he was married before Madge.
Mick!
365
00:23:06,332 --> 00:23:09,731
So you just came to Benidorm
to see my mother?
366
00:23:09,732 --> 00:23:13,731
Well, I had something to return to
Madge. Mel left this behind
367
00:23:13,732 --> 00:23:17,451
in Mohammed's Dad's office,
the day before he passed away.
368
00:23:17,452 --> 00:23:20,451
Thankfully this young man
had the good grace
369
00:23:20,452 --> 00:23:23,411
to come here to return it to me.
370
00:23:23,412 --> 00:23:25,971
All this way to return
a cigarette case and a picture?
371
00:23:25,972 --> 00:23:29,492
I'm sorry. I just don't believe you.
What is wrong with you?
372
00:23:29,492 --> 00:23:31,572
Please... Janice?
373
00:23:32,612 --> 00:23:35,172
Beautiful name.
374
00:23:35,172 --> 00:23:37,132
This is my third time here
this year.
375
00:23:37,133 --> 00:23:39,971
And every time I have business
in Spain at the end of my trip,
376
00:23:39,972 --> 00:23:41,891
I spend a couple of days here
377
00:23:41,892 --> 00:23:44,731
and wonder if I will find
the wonderful woman
378
00:23:44,732 --> 00:23:48,931
Mel spoke of with so much passion
and respect.
379
00:23:48,932 --> 00:23:50,972
We have a saying in my country...
380
00:23:50,972 --> 00:23:56,172
You must look in many fields
before you find the missing cow.
381
00:23:57,452 --> 00:23:59,372
Yeah, we have a saying in my
country...
382
00:23:59,373 --> 00:24:01,451
You're talking absolute bollocks.
383
00:24:01,452 --> 00:24:04,091
Nobody spends a year looking for
someone they never met
384
00:24:04,092 --> 00:24:06,691
to give them a crappy old cig case
and a worn out photo.
385
00:24:06,692 --> 00:24:08,852
He brought his lighter as well.
386
00:24:08,852 --> 00:24:11,052
Well, at five for a pound
that's saved you 20p.
387
00:24:12,132 --> 00:24:15,691
Mr Garvey, I understand your
scepticism.
388
00:24:15,692 --> 00:24:19,211
As a son in law, you obviously have
a love and respect for Madge
389
00:24:19,212 --> 00:24:23,091
that knows no bounds. But when
I discovered Mel died in Marrakech,
390
00:24:23,092 --> 00:24:27,051
and that I had been one of the last
people he spoke to,
391
00:24:27,052 --> 00:24:29,691
I felt passing on his possessions,
however small,
392
00:24:29,692 --> 00:24:33,331
was the right thing to do.
The honourable thing to do.
393
00:24:33,332 --> 00:24:37,171
We thought you were gonna cut my
nana up and sell her organs.
394
00:24:37,172 --> 00:24:40,291
Apparently there's a gang
in Benidorm
395
00:24:40,292 --> 00:24:42,611
kidnapping people and selling
their organs.
396
00:24:42,612 --> 00:24:45,691
On the telly, it said they even sell
their skin.
397
00:24:45,692 --> 00:24:48,411
Yeah, when we heard our Michael had
seen you grab Madge
398
00:24:48,412 --> 00:24:52,211
we thought you were a hitman for
World of Leather. This makes sense.
399
00:24:52,212 --> 00:24:55,651
So the woman with the red hair,
perhaps she was from this gang.
400
00:24:55,652 --> 00:24:58,171
Yeah, this woman with red hair
tried to grab me.
401
00:24:58,172 --> 00:25:02,251
She was with two fellas
and a white van. A white van!
402
00:25:02,252 --> 00:25:05,251
That's them! Oh, my God, Mother!
403
00:25:05,252 --> 00:25:08,451
But Mohammed grabbed me off her
and put me in his car.
404
00:25:08,452 --> 00:25:11,611
What are you doing?!
Get your hands off her!
405
00:25:11,612 --> 00:25:14,411
What are you doing? Get off me!
406
00:25:14,412 --> 00:25:16,811
Get off me!
407
00:25:16,812 --> 00:25:18,811
Who are you?!
408
00:25:18,812 --> 00:25:21,932
You saved my nana's life!
409
00:25:21,932 --> 00:25:25,172
Oh. Please, I only did what anyone
else would do.
410
00:25:27,412 --> 00:25:31,011
I would like you to be my guests for
dinner this evening at my hotel,
411
00:25:31,012 --> 00:25:33,371
The Asia Gardens.
Oooh, that sounds nice.
412
00:25:33,372 --> 00:25:37,012
No, you've saved my mother's life.
413
00:25:37,012 --> 00:25:39,132
We'll be buying you dinner tonight.
414
00:25:40,532 --> 00:25:42,732
Mick?
415
00:25:42,732 --> 00:25:45,492
Well... He's just said he wants to
buy us dinner.
416
00:25:47,532 --> 00:25:49,811
All right...
417
00:25:49,812 --> 00:25:53,892
Yeah, we'll take you to a little
place we know, not far from here.
418
00:25:53,892 --> 00:25:57,372
It's very exclusive.
It's called Neptunes.
419
00:26:12,052 --> 00:26:14,091
Have you seen my dad? No. Why?
420
00:26:14,092 --> 00:26:17,571
Well, between me and you,
he's gone to choke the chicken.
421
00:26:17,572 --> 00:26:19,611
Only...
422
00:26:19,612 --> 00:26:23,291
He's been gone 20 minutes
so I think he might be struggling.
423
00:26:23,292 --> 00:26:26,811
It's an age thing. He likes
to think he's hard, but...
424
00:26:26,812 --> 00:26:29,251
Right. Maybe I should go and give
him a hand.
425
00:26:29,252 --> 00:26:33,411
OK... I tried earlier
but I couldn't finish it off
426
00:26:33,412 --> 00:26:37,051
so he went out the back to try and
finish it himself. Poor Meryl...
427
00:26:37,052 --> 00:26:39,092
Meryl?
428
00:26:39,092 --> 00:26:41,452
That's his little pet name for it.
429
00:26:44,652 --> 00:26:46,611
Well, helloooo.
430
00:26:46,612 --> 00:26:50,571
Joyce Temple Savage, welcome
to The Solana.
431
00:26:50,572 --> 00:26:52,611
You must be Victor.
432
00:26:52,612 --> 00:26:54,811
Victor St James.
Costa Class magazine.
433
00:26:54,812 --> 00:26:58,051
Thank you for coming, we're
delighted... I'll tell you something.
434
00:26:58,052 --> 00:27:01,731
I am absolutely busting
for the bog.
435
00:27:01,732 --> 00:27:06,091
Well, we have full toilet
facilities on all levels.
436
00:27:06,092 --> 00:27:09,451
This drinking pints
is no use for me.
437
00:27:09,452 --> 00:27:12,652
I'll siphon the python and meet
you for a cheeky half in the bar?
438
00:27:12,652 --> 00:27:14,892
Over here, yeah?
439
00:27:17,292 --> 00:27:21,771
I'm telling you, man, she's
got this way of looking at you.
440
00:27:21,772 --> 00:27:24,571
It is a he, not a she! What?
441
00:27:24,572 --> 00:27:28,492
It is a cock. I know a cock
when I see one.
442
00:27:28,492 --> 00:27:31,252
Well, it's as if he's looking right
into your soul.
443
00:27:32,372 --> 00:27:34,411
I couldn't do it, man.
444
00:27:34,412 --> 00:27:37,931
Ah, you will not hurt a chicken
but you will see my family starve.
445
00:27:37,932 --> 00:27:41,811
Because if I don't get this paella
right, I will get fired!
446
00:27:41,812 --> 00:27:44,251
Can we not make a vegetarian paella?
447
00:27:44,252 --> 00:27:46,291
Vegetarian?
448
00:27:46,292 --> 00:27:48,772
This is Spain, we eat meat!
449
00:27:48,772 --> 00:27:52,572
Hostia! I will have to take care
of this myself.
450
00:27:53,972 --> 00:27:56,012
It takes a real man
to do a man's job.
451
00:27:56,012 --> 00:27:58,012
I will be back shortly.
452
00:28:08,132 --> 00:28:10,092
Room for a little one?
453
00:28:10,092 --> 00:28:12,092
Oh, of course.
454
00:28:15,372 --> 00:28:19,772
I say... Isn't it a lovely colour
of blue, the water in Spain.
455
00:28:19,772 --> 00:28:21,772
Yes.
456
00:28:23,412 --> 00:28:27,611
Noreen, I just wanted to say sorry
about earlier.
457
00:28:27,612 --> 00:28:29,651
I was a bit off.
458
00:28:29,652 --> 00:28:31,931
Oh, don't worry about it.
459
00:28:31,932 --> 00:28:36,371
What do you say I take you out for
a nice meal tonight?
460
00:28:36,372 --> 00:28:38,411
My way of saying sorry.
461
00:28:38,412 --> 00:28:41,012
We could eat at Neptune's.
462
00:28:41,012 --> 00:28:43,012
I said, 'A NICE meal'.
463
00:28:45,452 --> 00:28:47,851
Oh, why the heck not?
464
00:28:47,852 --> 00:28:51,212
We're on holiday. It's nice to do
something a bit different.
465
00:28:51,212 --> 00:28:53,172
Yes.
466
00:29:00,732 --> 00:29:03,371
Oh, I'm really sorry, Victor,
467
00:29:03,372 --> 00:29:05,331
I didn't realise you were here.
468
00:29:05,332 --> 00:29:08,492
I've been waiting for you
outside the loo.
469
00:29:08,492 --> 00:29:10,492
Careful. That's how I got started.
470
00:29:12,292 --> 00:29:14,091
Oh, Kenneth.
471
00:29:14,092 --> 00:29:18,251
Shouldn't you be manning the
international beauty salon?
472
00:29:18,252 --> 00:29:23,491
We're very lucky to have Kenneth.
He's very big all over the Costas.
473
00:29:23,492 --> 00:29:25,531
Chance would be a fine thing.
474
00:29:25,532 --> 00:29:30,011
He was just telling me about his
celebrity client list. Celebrity?
475
00:29:30,012 --> 00:29:32,252
Apparently he's done them all.
476
00:29:32,252 --> 00:29:34,212
Yeah, and I've cut their hair.
477
00:29:36,492 --> 00:29:38,611
So, how do you style Elton John's
hair?
478
00:29:38,612 --> 00:29:40,611
Between me and you, Victor,
479
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:43,491
I just pop it on an eco wash and
tumble dry it for half an hour.
480
00:29:43,492 --> 00:29:46,412
He's none the wiser.
481
00:29:46,412 --> 00:29:49,572
Kenneth, could I have a little word
with one? Do excuse us.
482
00:29:53,372 --> 00:29:55,131
What are you playing at?
483
00:29:55,132 --> 00:29:58,012
Have you been sniffing the perming
solution again?
484
00:29:58,012 --> 00:30:00,132
No, I'm trying to inject a bit of
excitement.
485
00:30:00,212 --> 00:30:01,971
He was in Loret De Mar last week,
486
00:30:01,972 --> 00:30:04,931
and he gave this place five stars
cos it had quilted bog roll.
487
00:30:04,932 --> 00:30:07,971
He knows his onions, this one.
I'm sure I can handle it.
488
00:30:07,972 --> 00:30:11,531
I've had a lot of experience dealing
with high class clientele.
489
00:30:11,532 --> 00:30:14,811
High class? You've got to be joking!
He's rough as a badger's arse.
490
00:30:14,812 --> 00:30:17,851
Victor may be presenting himself as
an uncouth Northerner
491
00:30:17,852 --> 00:30:20,452
with low standards and a coarse
turn of phrase,
492
00:30:20,452 --> 00:30:22,252
but it's a ploy to catch us
off guard.
493
00:30:26,692 --> 00:30:29,611
Victor. Could I offer you one of
our signature cocktails?
494
00:30:29,612 --> 00:30:33,172
Any brown ale'll do for me, Jill.
Joyce.
495
00:30:33,172 --> 00:30:37,172
And fetch us some more of
them nuts, will you?
496
00:30:43,332 --> 00:30:45,932
Shh, I think that's them.
What's he doing, man?
497
00:30:47,012 --> 00:30:49,972
Aw, what have you let it
out the cage for?
498
00:30:49,972 --> 00:30:53,572
He's got this way of looking at you.
499
00:30:55,852 --> 00:30:58,972
It's OK, Meryl. It's OK.
500
00:31:00,332 --> 00:31:02,451
Be very quiet.
501
00:31:02,452 --> 00:31:04,491
Stay very still.
502
00:31:04,492 --> 00:31:06,692
When he does not expect it,
I will pounce.
503
00:31:06,692 --> 00:31:10,892
One, two, three...
504
00:31:21,772 --> 00:31:24,172
You grab the legs. The legs!
505
00:31:54,433 --> 00:31:58,872
Here at Neptunes, we offer live
entertainment seven nights a week.
506
00:31:58,951 --> 00:32:01,870
Right. You'll notice a nautical
theme throughout,
507
00:32:02,230 --> 00:32:04,349
reflecting the name, Neptunes,
508
00:32:04,350 --> 00:32:06,989
coming from the Latin for sea,
509
00:32:06,990 --> 00:32:11,790
as in Nep, and tunes... as
inmusic.
510
00:32:11,790 --> 00:32:14,630
So, Victor, what do you think
so far?
511
00:32:15,430 --> 00:32:19,269
To be honest with you,
it's all right.
512
00:32:19,270 --> 00:32:23,589
All right? Place like this, there's
only so much you can do with it.
513
00:32:23,590 --> 00:32:26,989
This is bargain bucket stuff
this, ain't it, love, hey?
514
00:32:26,990 --> 00:32:30,629
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for
giving the punters what they want,
515
00:32:30,630 --> 00:32:33,789
but this lot here, egg and chips,
dose of prickly heat,
516
00:32:33,790 --> 00:32:36,309
they're like pigs in shit.
Well, I wouldn't say...
517
00:32:36,310 --> 00:32:39,589
But the crowd that run it aren't
daft. That's why they've got you in.
518
00:32:39,590 --> 00:32:43,309
Well, exactly. Any more crisps?
519
00:32:43,310 --> 00:32:46,949
Oh, this is Mateo Castellanos.
He's our head barman.
520
00:32:46,950 --> 00:32:49,389
He's very experienced
521
00:32:49,390 --> 00:32:53,469
and always goes that extra mile with
the customers.
522
00:32:53,470 --> 00:32:56,869
Mateo, could you please get
Mr St James a selection of nibbles?
523
00:32:56,870 --> 00:33:02,469
Mateo! A selection of nibbles for
Mr St James, please.
524
00:33:02,470 --> 00:33:06,950
What is "nibbles"? And some dips
and crudites if you please.
525
00:33:06,950 --> 00:33:10,910
I do not know what any of these
things are.
526
00:33:14,150 --> 00:33:17,749
Very conscientious member of staff.
527
00:33:17,750 --> 00:33:22,350
He must be looking for some broken
glass or sundry items.
528
00:33:22,350 --> 00:33:25,750
I'll get you some more crisps.
529
00:33:28,350 --> 00:33:30,389
I cannot find it anywhere.
530
00:33:30,390 --> 00:33:32,429
Leave it to our Liam, he'll find it.
531
00:33:32,430 --> 00:33:35,229
Right, vegetarian paella coming up!
532
00:33:35,230 --> 00:33:38,309
Oh, no! Liam son!
533
00:33:38,310 --> 00:33:42,269
What has he done now? He's left
the heat on, man, it's ruined!
534
00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:44,309
Oh, no.
535
00:33:44,310 --> 00:33:46,589
That's it! It's all over.
536
00:33:46,590 --> 00:33:50,149
Ah, well, as my old dad used
to say... 'You can't polish a turd,
537
00:33:50,150 --> 00:33:52,710
but you can spray it
with air freshener.'
538
00:33:52,710 --> 00:33:55,950
What does it mean?
It means we go to plan B!
539
00:33:57,510 --> 00:33:59,549
But you cannot cook.
540
00:33:59,550 --> 00:34:04,190
You want a bet? I was a chef on the
oil rigs before our Liam was born.
541
00:34:04,190 --> 00:34:08,630
What I can't do with a couple
of gas rings and a wooden spoon is nobody's business.
542
00:34:14,430 --> 00:34:17,469
Well, that was lovely.
543
00:34:17,470 --> 00:34:19,749
I've never had seal before.
544
00:34:19,750 --> 00:34:22,069
I think you'll find that was veal,
Noreen.
545
00:34:22,070 --> 00:34:25,390
Was it? Better not tell our Geoff.
546
00:34:25,390 --> 00:34:28,430
He's very funny about that sort of
thing.
547
00:34:31,070 --> 00:34:33,109
Are you missing your fella?
548
00:34:33,110 --> 00:34:35,949
I'm managing.
549
00:34:35,950 --> 00:34:40,749
What about that nice chap that has
the hairdressers?
550
00:34:40,750 --> 00:34:42,869
What about him?
551
00:34:42,870 --> 00:34:45,269
Well, would you and him not make
a nice couple?
552
00:34:45,270 --> 00:34:48,309
Troy and I haven't actually
split up.
553
00:34:48,310 --> 00:34:51,869
And besides, I don't think he'd
really be my type.
554
00:34:51,870 --> 00:34:53,909
No, true.
555
00:34:53,910 --> 00:34:57,149
I mean, he's quite butch, isn't he?
556
00:34:57,150 --> 00:35:04,069
Everything's so out in the open
these days.
557
00:35:04,070 --> 00:35:07,429
In my day, it was all hush hush.
558
00:35:07,430 --> 00:35:13,309
I remember a lovely young lass
called Georgie Smith.
559
00:35:13,310 --> 00:35:15,949
She ran the mobile shop.
560
00:35:15,950 --> 00:35:21,189
Everybody said they thought she was
a bit... You know?
561
00:35:21,190 --> 00:35:24,389
Really?
562
00:35:24,390 --> 00:35:26,829
Just because she wore
steel cap boots
563
00:35:26,830 --> 00:35:29,870
and made me lift up my skirt
and show her my knees
564
00:35:29,870 --> 00:35:33,150
before she'd give me my change.
565
00:35:34,310 --> 00:35:36,149
I don't know.
566
00:35:36,150 --> 00:35:38,189
Would you like a dessert?
567
00:35:38,190 --> 00:35:41,389
I don't think so, thank you.
568
00:35:41,390 --> 00:35:44,549
It's always best not to go
on a full stomach.
569
00:35:44,550 --> 00:35:48,990
Remember that night with the lovely
couple from Hemel Hempstead?
570
00:35:48,990 --> 00:35:52,710
How could I forget? Scotch egg
and Guinness is a heady mix indeed.
571
00:35:54,070 --> 00:35:55,910
Still no sign of the driver.
572
00:35:55,910 --> 00:35:59,510
I'm sure it'll all be fine, though.
It seems very well organised.
573
00:36:01,190 --> 00:36:06,469
Seeing as we're celebrating my nana
not being kidnapped and chopped up
574
00:36:06,470 --> 00:36:09,389
can I have a proper drink?
How many times? No!
575
00:36:09,390 --> 00:36:11,589
But, Mam... I know.
576
00:36:11,590 --> 00:36:14,149
You're 13. You can have
a ginger beer.
577
00:36:14,150 --> 00:36:16,389
What's that? It's as good
as it gets, son.
578
00:36:16,390 --> 00:36:19,869
At least it's got the word beer
in it. Nice one.
579
00:36:19,870 --> 00:36:23,309
This food is very interesting.
580
00:36:23,310 --> 00:36:26,669
I don't think I have tasted anything
like this before.
581
00:36:26,670 --> 00:36:29,589
No, you won't have done.
What's the food like in Marrakech?
582
00:36:29,590 --> 00:36:32,389
I bet it's not like this.
No, not at all.
583
00:36:32,390 --> 00:36:36,309
It is... How do you say? Fresh.
584
00:36:36,310 --> 00:36:40,830
So um... What kind of business
are you in, Mohammed?
585
00:36:40,830 --> 00:36:43,310
You've obviously got a lot of time
on your hands.
586
00:36:43,311 --> 00:36:45,669
Have you got absolutely no manners
whatsoever?
587
00:36:45,670 --> 00:36:48,949
I work for my father.
He has many business interests.
588
00:36:48,950 --> 00:36:50,869
He first started many years ago
589
00:36:50,870 --> 00:36:53,509
making rugs for three hotel chains
in Marrakech.
590
00:36:53,510 --> 00:36:55,389
In fact, the first time I met Mel,
591
00:36:55,390 --> 00:36:57,389
he was admiring a rug
in my father's shop.
592
00:36:57,390 --> 00:37:00,029
Don't tell us. He bought one
and never paid for it?
593
00:37:00,030 --> 00:37:02,029
How much do we owe you?
594
00:37:02,030 --> 00:37:05,229
My father now owns all three of
those hotel chains.
595
00:37:05,230 --> 00:37:09,389
He still has his rug shop. He kept
it out of sentimental reasons.
596
00:37:09,390 --> 00:37:14,229
But there is a small matter of Mel's
business dealings in Marrakech.
597
00:37:14,230 --> 00:37:16,149
I wondered how long it would take.
598
00:37:16,150 --> 00:37:20,389
Mel had invested a considerable
amount of money in Marrakech.
599
00:37:20,390 --> 00:37:22,669
I would like to help you to
retrieve it.
600
00:37:22,670 --> 00:37:24,749
You what?
601
00:37:24,750 --> 00:37:28,389
We can discuss that tomorrow.
This is not a time for business.
602
00:37:28,390 --> 00:37:31,389
This is a time for remembrance
and celebration.
603
00:37:31,390 --> 00:37:34,509
Celebration of the life
of a good man.
604
00:37:34,510 --> 00:37:37,949
Here here. Well, we don't mind
talking about business now, do we?
605
00:37:37,950 --> 00:37:40,589
Here's to Mel Harvey.
606
00:37:40,590 --> 00:37:44,670
What are we talking about, Mohammed,
like a property? A bar? What?
607
00:37:44,670 --> 00:37:48,270
Tomorrow. Mel Harvey!
608
00:37:50,470 --> 00:37:52,790
Dad, are you all right?
You're sweating.
609
00:37:58,510 --> 00:38:01,310
Yeah, it's the first time I've ever
worn a kilt.
610
00:38:01,310 --> 00:38:05,310
Quite nice in this heat, because it
lets all the air into your bits.
611
00:38:07,150 --> 00:38:09,190
What's up with your face?
612
00:38:09,190 --> 00:38:13,830
I think I know exactly what game
Mr St James is playing.
613
00:38:13,910 --> 00:38:16,469
He is trying to lure me into
dropping my guard,
614
00:38:16,470 --> 00:38:19,109
but I'm afraid he's picking
on the wrong character.
615
00:38:19,110 --> 00:38:21,149
Can I have a quiet word, Mrs Savage?
616
00:38:21,150 --> 00:38:23,509
Where's Mateo, where's this paella?
617
00:38:23,510 --> 00:38:26,949
It's just coming. Mateo says
he's very sorry about the delay,
618
00:38:26,950 --> 00:38:30,029
but he had to make a few minor
adjustments to the recipe.
619
00:38:30,030 --> 00:38:32,029
Ah, I needed that.
620
00:38:32,030 --> 00:38:34,309
Victor, this is Les.
621
00:38:34,310 --> 00:38:38,829
He is one of several Michelin star
chefs who work at our Solana.
622
00:38:38,830 --> 00:38:40,789
Nice to meet you. Michelin star?
623
00:38:40,790 --> 00:38:44,750
Do you know Francoise Chelley?
Name rings a bell.
624
00:38:44,750 --> 00:38:46,670
Did he play for Carlisle?
625
00:38:48,870 --> 00:38:52,829
Ah, here we are. I asked the kitchen
staff to make you something special.
626
00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:55,870
Come on. I'm sure Mr St James is
bound to be hungry.
627
00:38:55,870 --> 00:38:58,590
He's only had... Eight.
Eight bags of crisps.
628
00:39:08,190 --> 00:39:10,589
Ta da!
629
00:39:10,590 --> 00:39:13,309
Bangers and mash?!
630
00:39:13,310 --> 00:39:17,029
Ah, but with proper English bangers.
None of your Spanish shite!
631
00:39:17,030 --> 00:39:19,509
Oh, my God. Victor, I'm so sorry.
632
00:39:19,510 --> 00:39:23,469
I specifically asked the kitchen to
make you a traditional Spanish dish.
633
00:39:23,470 --> 00:39:26,590
You what? Traditional Spanish?
634
00:39:26,590 --> 00:39:28,750
I can't be buggered
with any of that muck.
635
00:39:29,310 --> 00:39:31,390
No, this is proper grub, this is.
636
00:39:31,390 --> 00:39:34,390
Like I told you, Jill, give the
punters what they want.
637
00:39:35,790 --> 00:39:39,150
Well, don't just stand there.
Get us a knife and fork.
638
00:39:50,230 --> 00:39:52,310
Well, I must say, Eliza Doolittle,
639
00:39:52,310 --> 00:39:54,790
your transformation to a lady
is almost complete.
640
00:39:55,870 --> 00:39:58,949
And so is my 20 Euro reward.
Don't remind me.
641
00:39:58,950 --> 00:40:02,029
I hope you're gonna put it towards
getting wasted tonight.
642
00:40:02,030 --> 00:40:05,309
Maybe. I might just take
it easy though.
643
00:40:05,310 --> 00:40:08,590
There's a sightseeing tour of
a local church tomorrow morning.
644
00:40:08,590 --> 00:40:10,390
I want to be up for that.
645
00:40:11,390 --> 00:40:13,869
You're not serious, are you?
646
00:40:13,870 --> 00:40:17,669
Why not?! I've been missing out on
culture and polite society.
647
00:40:17,670 --> 00:40:20,309
I might just give it a shot.
648
00:40:20,310 --> 00:40:23,749
Better than lying in bed nursing
a hangover?
649
00:40:23,750 --> 00:40:26,869
I've created a bleedin' monster!
I want my best mate back,
650
00:40:26,870 --> 00:40:30,149
the one that farts and swears
and arm wrestles for drinks!
651
00:40:30,150 --> 00:40:34,430
She's a thing of the past, Sam.
This is the new and improved me.
652
00:40:34,430 --> 00:40:38,070
Right, one more, then an early
night, I think.
653
00:40:42,590 --> 00:40:45,869
Are you sure I can't tempt
you to a cafe con leche by the pool?
654
00:40:45,870 --> 00:40:48,589
Nah. Victor...
655
00:40:48,590 --> 00:40:51,429
Let's cut to the chase.
656
00:40:51,430 --> 00:40:54,509
You what? We both know
what's been going on.
657
00:40:54,510 --> 00:40:57,389
I've had 25 years
in the service industry.
658
00:40:57,390 --> 00:41:00,509
It takes a lot to pull the wool
over my eyes.
659
00:41:00,510 --> 00:41:02,869
Oh... right. OK then.
660
00:41:02,870 --> 00:41:05,429
How does 400 sound?
661
00:41:05,430 --> 00:41:07,589
What?
662
00:41:07,590 --> 00:41:09,869
OK. 350, provided you make
it British money.
663
00:41:09,870 --> 00:41:12,309
Exchange rate's crap at the minute.
664
00:41:12,310 --> 00:41:15,749
I don't know what you're talking
about. Ah, I see what you're doing.
665
00:41:15,750 --> 00:41:17,789
Bit exposed here, is it?
666
00:41:17,790 --> 00:41:21,589
We can always go through somewhere
a bit more private and discuss it.
667
00:41:21,590 --> 00:41:23,309
Hang on.
668
00:41:23,310 --> 00:41:26,589
You want me to pay for this review?
Of course I do!
669
00:41:26,590 --> 00:41:30,029
How else is a dump like this going
to get a decent write up?
670
00:41:30,030 --> 00:41:32,789
350? Yeah.
671
00:41:32,790 --> 00:41:35,869
I can't afford that.
It's deal or no deal?
672
00:41:35,870 --> 00:41:38,750
You have a think about it.
I'll just nip off to the...
673
00:41:38,750 --> 00:41:40,670
The bog. I know.
674
00:41:47,870 --> 00:41:49,949
All right, gorgeous.
675
00:41:49,950 --> 00:41:51,789
Hiya.
676
00:41:51,790 --> 00:41:54,789
I was just uh... admiring the view.
677
00:41:54,790 --> 00:41:56,789
Of what?
678
00:41:56,790 --> 00:41:58,869
Oh, I see.
679
00:41:58,870 --> 00:42:02,229
If I'd known that, I would have
charged you.
680
00:42:02,230 --> 00:42:05,589
Oh, I'm sorry.
681
00:42:05,590 --> 00:42:08,029
Um...
682
00:42:08,030 --> 00:42:09,949
How does 20 Euros sound?
683
00:42:09,950 --> 00:42:11,669
I beg your pardon.
684
00:42:11,670 --> 00:42:13,509
All right. 25.
685
00:42:13,510 --> 00:42:15,669
They don't half push their luck
around here.
686
00:42:15,670 --> 00:42:19,749
You really need to move your hand!
687
00:42:19,750 --> 00:42:22,230
I think it's fine where it is.
Do you?
688
00:42:22,230 --> 00:42:24,630
Excuse me one minute!
689
00:42:31,710 --> 00:42:33,750
What's that for?
690
00:42:41,950 --> 00:42:44,870
20 Euros? Dickhead.
691
00:42:44,870 --> 00:42:46,830
50... and I might have thought
about it.
692
00:42:49,590 --> 00:42:53,630
Eliza has left the building!
693
00:42:58,070 --> 00:43:00,150
Still no sign.
I don't understand it.
694
00:43:00,150 --> 00:43:03,390
I'll pop to the ladies
and freshen up.
695
00:43:15,230 --> 00:43:17,230
Mmm?
696
00:43:20,030 --> 00:43:22,069
Party... Party.
697
00:43:22,070 --> 00:43:25,149
Ah, yes! Party of two. I got the
manager to call us a taxi.
698
00:43:25,150 --> 00:43:29,589
I don't trust the ones on the
street! Yes, that's us.
699
00:43:29,590 --> 00:43:32,509
Rose. Ah, yes,
she's an English rose.
700
00:43:32,510 --> 00:43:34,589
Come on, Noreen. Let's head back!
701
00:43:34,590 --> 00:43:36,589
Wait.
702
00:43:36,590 --> 00:43:39,429
Before we go, a toast!
703
00:43:39,430 --> 00:43:42,510
Here's to making mistakes!
704
00:43:42,510 --> 00:43:44,510
Mistakes!
705
00:43:52,030 --> 00:43:54,389
Donald, I've just figured out
what's wrong.
706
00:43:54,390 --> 00:43:57,150
I'm not wearing my secret signal.
707
00:43:57,150 --> 00:44:00,390
Of course. They'll be able
to spot us now.
708
00:44:04,710 --> 00:44:08,070
Did they tell you where we are going
at the restaurant? The Solana.
709
00:44:08,070 --> 00:44:10,190
Si. Si.
710
00:44:14,350 --> 00:44:18,030
I always get the ones that don't
speak any English. Oh, sod it.
711
00:44:18,030 --> 00:44:22,070
I'm not going to worry any more.
Que Sara Sara! Que Sara Sara!
712
00:44:26,990 --> 00:44:29,030
Just nod. It's easier.
713
00:44:29,030 --> 00:44:31,910
Si, senor!
714
00:44:39,390 --> 00:44:41,869
Oh. Ah!
715
00:44:41,870 --> 00:44:45,589
I am so sorry, Victor! I hope you
won't hold this against us.
716
00:44:45,590 --> 00:44:48,149
Because, I wouldn't want...
If you don't mind...
717
00:44:48,150 --> 00:44:51,349
I think I'll just step outside for
a spot of air. Oh!
718
00:44:51,350 --> 00:44:53,950
I'm feeling a little bit...
Yes. Just a minute. Um...
719
00:44:53,950 --> 00:44:55,950
There.
720
00:45:06,670 --> 00:45:10,309
Everything all right, Mrs Savage?
Les, it's a disaster.
721
00:45:10,310 --> 00:45:12,589
I wouldn't worry.
He seemed to enjoy himself.
722
00:45:12,590 --> 00:45:15,430
What sort of stuff is he going to
print about us now?
723
00:45:15,430 --> 00:45:18,590
It'll take a miracle to get us out
of this.
724
00:45:23,350 --> 00:45:25,789
Excuse me. Do you have a light?
725
00:45:25,790 --> 00:45:27,630
I don't smoke, darling.
726
00:45:27,630 --> 00:45:30,190
You must have healthy lungs then?
727
00:45:31,990 --> 00:45:34,590
Not as healthy as yours, love, hey?
728
00:45:36,150 --> 00:45:38,390
Hey, what's going on?!
Hey, what's this?!
729
00:45:38,390 --> 00:45:41,230
What's happening?
What are you doing?
730
00:45:45,834 --> 00:46:18,034
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731
00:46:18,084 --> 00:46:22,634
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