All language subtitles for Benidorm s05e03.eng

You're making cocktails?
It's not happy hour.

No, I'm thinking about breasts.
Ah, yes. I do this most of the time.

No, I mean for me.

Sometimes, my football socks
make me look a bit lop-sided.

So, I've decided to upgrade
to a pair of silicone boobs.

I'm just deciding on the size.
You're having the operation?

No, man, I've never wanted
to go full-time.

Plus, I do my own car servicing.

It's not easy shimmying under a
Hillman Imp with a big pair of bazookas in the way.

You know what I mean?

No.
Oh, the thing is, look, do I go...

small and demure?

Or, er...

big, brassy?

What about the melon?
Melons!

No, man, they're too big.

Wait, you are talking
about boobies, yes?

Believe me, take advice from someone
who knows, they can never be too big.

Oh, the problem is,
if I go this big,

nobody's gonna be looking
at my face.

Perfect, so you kill one bird
with two stones.

Aye.

Whatever that is in my back,
get it out now.

Oh, God, it's buzzing!
Get if off me!

It's my phone. I must have
fallen asleep playing Snake.

Now you know how I feel.

It's from my brother. Oh, does he
not know we're on holiday?

Oh, God.
What?

Shit.
What?

It's not your dad, is it?

Oh, God, Mick, I'm so sorry.

You will be.

They're coming to Benidorm.

Your dad can mix a mean cocktail,

but he's rubbish at nicking stuff
from work.

No. He's-he's choosing a new pair
of breasts.

Oh, of course. Silly me.

I hope he doesn't go too big.

I wouldn't want my dad
to look ridiculous.

No, you wouldn't want that.

Knock yourself out. That's the beauty
of an all-inclusive.

You don't have to move.
You even get free entertainment.

I might drag myself in the pool
a bit later though.

I could do with working off
a few pounds.

Rubbish! You look really good.

We're not exactly the Fat Slags,
are we?

Well, at least we're not fat.

She's lost loads of weight, you know.

That woman with a face like a dog's
chew-toy.

She's really thin now.

So would I be if I'd had him
rolling on top of me for 30 years.

I'm thinking of going on
the Atkins Diet.

Oh, God. I want to be thin,

but there is no way you'd get me
eating pet-food.

You're thinking of Katkins.

Oh, yeah. What's the Atkins?

Meat for breakfast, meat for dinner,

meat for your tea,
and meat for you midnight snack.

You won't get any meat here
after midnight.

You wanna bet?

Is Uncle Pete really coming
to Spain, Dad?

Apparently.
And Grandad Garvey?

They're here for Uncle Pete's
stag do. Cool! Can I go?

No, you bloody can't!

What's got into you, mard-arse?
You should be happy for him.

I've got enough on my plate
without having to organise a stag do

for him and his idiot mates.
He might have organised his own.

Why does my dad not like Uncle Pete?

He's a bone-idle, lazy, tight arse,
that's why.

I'm saying nothing. Where
the frigging hell have you been?

You've missed breakfast, you know.

They tried to give us all
peppermint tea.

Peppermint tea, in a glass!

I said I'd rather drink my own piss.

Mother! Well, what are they thinking
giving us muck like that?

It's good for your digestion.
Bollocks.

A fag and a couple of Rennies
keep me regular.

Hey, Mam, we're having visitors.

Pete and his mates are coming
for his stag.

Not gormless Pete, your brother?

Yeah. Oh, Christ. Who'd marry
that big, useless lump?

Some of us love our big, useless
lumps, don't we, darling?

I'm not in the mood.

I'm off to reception
to wait for them.

Well, you want to keep
your eye on him.

I know what these stag nights
are like.

They'll be tottering round
from one sex bar to the next,

drinking tequila slappers...

licking cream off a stripper.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Anyway, my Mick doesn't like
squirty cream, do you?

Oh, you mark my words, Janice,
if he goes out on this stag,

you'll not see him till 6 o'clock
tomorrow morning

when he'll be coming in
prophylactic. All right, we've heard you.

Why are they coming to Benidorm?
Why's he texting me?

He's your brother.

Oh!

It'll be all right.

Er, no running by the pool. That's
how claims get to happen. Child!

No, it's a bit big. A bit big.

What's going on here?

Oh, we are just deciding on the size
of Les's boobies.

Oh, I wouldn't go too big,
or you could come a cropper.

I've got a sister who went up
to 32JJ.

Now she can't get around Sainsbury's

if the trolley hasn't got
a baby seat.

Could you do this
on your own time, please?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Sorry.

I've just been doing the payroll,
and I've realised

that we don't have any lifeguards
on duty.

You know what that means,
don't you?

Aye. It means if there's
an accident, we might lose a guest.

Worse than that,
we could lose a star.

Well, I did a first aid course with
the St. John's Ambulance

a few years back, like.
Very good. Mateo?

Hmm?
Do you know CPR?

Ah, yes... from Star Wars.

Come, my little
friend. We must save Master Luke.'

No, that's... something else.

I want one of you poolside at all
times on one of those high chairs.

You'll have to use a step ladder
because I'm not made of money.

We'll have to change into more
appropriate clothing to do that.

Yes, well, it's just ticking a box.
Right, I'll go and get my gear.

And wash that fruit.
Right.

"I don't like BLANK...
a hit for the Boomtown Rats in 1979."

Any clues?
Seven letters, M something N.

Monkeys.
Oh, yeah. It fits.

Oh! He wanted to shoot them all down,
didn't he?

Yes, a very troubled soul,
that Bob Gandalf.

Didn't his wife have an affair
with Rolf Harris?

Well, indeed.

Pssst!

Pssst!

Hello?
Oh, excuse me.

Is the Hotel Solano?
Yes! Are you looking for someone?

Yeah, I'm looking for my brother...
Mick Garvey. Do you know him?

Know him? He's a close,
personal friend of ours.

Donald Stewart. Good to know you.

Pete. Pete Garvey.

And this is my wife Jacqueline.

Hello.
Hello.

Oh, stop pissing about,
and get us in, will you?

All right. Keep your wig on, Dad.

The thing is, Don,
we haven't got any wristbands.

So, we were wondering if there was
a gap in the hedge

so that we could sneak in.
Yes, leave it to me.

I'm a dab hand at tunnelling my way
through dense foliage.

Isn't that right, Jacqueline?
Oh, yeah.

Joyce Temple-Savage here,
your Solana manageress.

All patrons kindly note
that running, bombing and diving

are henceforth outlawed
in and around the pool area.

Gracias for your indulgence.

Frig off back to Easy Jet,
you dried up, old sow.

What the frig's going on over there?

Come on, deep breaths.

Here they are, back together
at last... Les Garvos! Hi, Pete.

Are you all right, Stan?

I'm jiggered. He's had me walking
up and down like a knob all morning.

There's no point shelling out
in taxis, is there? Jan!

Hiya, love.
Are you all right, Dad?

I will be, when you get me
a bloody drink, and let me sit down.

Madge!
I didn't see you sat there.

Don't get up. I've no intention
of getting up, thank you very much.

So, where's everybody else?
How do you mean?

For your stag do? Oh, it's just
me and Dad. Didn't I say?

Keep it in the family.
So, er... where are you staying?

I thought we could kip at yours.
It's only for one night. Oh, yeah?

And we'll sort you out with
all your drinks, all your meals.

Come on, Mam, why don't we
go to the bar and get the beers in?

Get a frigging tray!
Mam.

We'll leave you to settle in.
See you in a bit.

Out the way.

Now... is there any decent quim
worth nosing out?

And I don't mean Spanish girls
with hair all up to their navels.

A couple of nice English lasses
will do. Isn't that right, Pete?

Well, we are on holiday.

So was I.

'You spot a hot guy across the room
at a party.

Do you... A) Accidentally brush
against him to start a conversation?

B) Stay where you are until
he notices you?

Or C) Drag him to the bedroom
whispering,

"This thong isn't gonna peel
itself off"?'

You're playing hard to get,
aren't you? I think I'd go for D.

Hand him my glass and say, "Does this
drink taste of Rohypnol to you?"

Oh, good morning, twinkle toes.
Come and do this quiz.

It tells you where you are on the
slut-o-meter from Sister Wendy to Christina Aguilera.

Troy's breaking up with me.
What?

I just got a text from him
this morning.

It seems 48 hours out of his company
has convinced him he's better off without me.

You can't be serious.
Let's have a look.

"I think we both know that this
situation has become unworkable.

After careful consideration, I've
decided to ask you to move out."

Don't read it all...
Ah-ah-ah!

"If your bags aren't packed
by the end of the month,

I'll have no option but to take
legal action." This is outrageous!

He sent several messages.
I couldn't read them. I felt sick.

Hmm. He always did have a temper,
that one.

I remember when he caught me
smuggling bog rolls out of the salon.

He went ballistic!
We were married for four years!

There's more to a relationship
than a couple of fistfuls of Andrex!

Not in my experience. I've got to go
back. I can't deal with this over the telephone.

Oh, no you don't. Come here.
He's made his big statement,

now let him stew for a while. The
best policy is total radio silence.

Isn't that right, Carmen?

See. I can't just...
No, no, no.

Trust your Auntie Kenneth.
Look, give it 24 hours.

No calls, no texts and no e-mails.

Oh for...
Come out on the razz tonight.

Snog a total stranger, and
put yourself on that slut-o-meter.

Cos you are beautiful
no matter what they say...

Words...
Please. Don't sing.

I'm depressed enough as it is.

And no, I won't be joining you on
your little jaunt around the back-streets of Benidorm.

I have far too much self-respect
for that. All right.

But you will stay the night,
won't you? Play a bit of hard-to-get.

When it comes to moody silences,
I practically wrote the book.

If that's not an oxymoron. He's not
a moron. He just overreacted a bit.

So, Pete, who's the lucky girl?

Oh, you'd love her, Janice.

Her name's Kathy. She's a real babe,
isn't she, Dad?

Aye, just like in the film.

You've never mentioned her before.
No, it's been a whirlwind romance.

We only met six weeks ago.
Where did you meet her?

Louis Tussaud's in Blackpool.

I was staring at her for ages
cos I thought she was Myra Hindley.

I couldn't understand what she
was doing with the royal family.

Then she moved,
and I jumped out of my skin.

She laughed when I told her, like.

You told her you thought
she was Myra Hindley?

Oh, aye.
And they say romance is dead.

Must be costing a bit then,
organising a wedding?

Oh, it's not too bad really.

Her parents are paying
for the venue,

I'm putting in for the night-do.

You know... the buffet, the disco,
and all that.

You will come, won't you?
We haven't done invitations yet.

So, the rabbit farm
never worked out then?

No, no. We had to wind that one up,
didn't we, Dad? Aye.

Rabbit farm?
Yeah.

I lent him 1,500 quid 6 months ago.
You were meant to be paying me back about now, weren't you?

Well, you see, I had to lay out
on the hutch,

and the hutch was key
to the operation, and the fencing.

And we bought two Californian Whites
from that car boot sale in Wigan,

but, to be honest with you, Mick,
I think we were conned.

They were both bucks.
You what?

I swear I saw them cuddling up
and copulating and all that,

but... maybe they were just trying
to keep warm.

This was in February.
Hang on a minute...

You spent my 1,500 quid
on a hutch and two gay rabbits?

Where did you get 1,500 quid from?

I took it out the business.
You did what? Oh, don't you start.

Them sun-bed shops were in my name.
What do you mean WERE?

I mean... are in my name.
We've been through this.

What happened to the rabbits?
Hotpot.

I turned the paws into keyrings,
but nobody would buy them.

Cos they bloody stank!

At least you wouldn't lose
your keys!

Are you gonna stand by and let him
piss my inheritance away

on a frigging petting zoo?
What do you mean, YOUR inheritance?

I want that money paying back.
Do you hear me?

To be fair, Madge, this was a valid
business preposition.

Someone did it on Dragon's Den.
Not with queer bloody rabbits they didn't.

I've had enough.
I need that money back.

I'm gonna pay you, but I've got
the wedding. Frig the wedding.

Oh, don't tell him to frig
his wedding, Mick. That's not nice.

We called them Elton and Dale.

Bummy rabbits!

Oh, I love big family reunions,
don't you?

Yes, though Mick's not as big
as he used to be. No.

Shame Noreen isn't here to join in
the celebrations.

Is she related to them as well?

Yes! Do you remember
Noreen's son Geoff?

The fat one with a wispy beard?

Yes. And you remember the Garveys'
daughter Chantelle?

The fat one with the wispy beard?

Yes. Well, they're living
together now in Chorlton-cum-Hardy,

with a baby on the way.

Oh, I bet they make
a bonny baby together.

Hmm.

Everything all right?

Yes.

Do you need a hand?
No.

Are you going to be doing any DIY,
cos that should be my responsibility?

I am sitting here as lifeguard.

You're a lifeguard?

Yes. To make people feel safe.

Cool.

Do you think I could have a go?

I did that thing where you had to
swim underwater, and pick up a brick in your pyjamas

but I didn't get my certificate
cos I got caught peeing in the pool.

How could they tell?
I was standing on the diving board.

Liam...
Go away? Thank you.

Aye, aye. Spanish chorizo
at 2 o'clock.

It's quite greasy that, isn't it?

It doesn't bother me. Are you sure
you can have that on the Atkins?

Oh, yeah. Three portions a day.

And you wouldn't have a vegetable
with it?

Nah. He'd have to watch.

What?

Oh, you're not still lusting
after him, are you?

I told you he's married with kids.

Have you never heard of
a holiday romance?

He's not on holiday, is he?
No, but I am.

And I intend to get a bit
of mouth-to-mouth

off Mr Has-em-off over there.

Well, I'm just advising you
against it, Trudy, that's all.

Thanks. But if I'd have wanted
a conscience,

I'd have come on holiday with
Jiminy Cricket. OK.

Fine, it's not skin off my minge,

but if he had been interested in you,
he'd have tried it on by now.

Oh, yeah?

Help!

Help! Help!

Mateo! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Joyce Temple-Savage here...
a staff announcement.

Mateo, there's somebody drowning
in the pool!

What?
Help!

Hostia! Hold my ladder, please.

Help! Help!

Help!
Sam, your friend's drowning!

Oh, dear. What a shame. Aren't you
gonna dive in and help her?

I've just put a load of fake tan on.

I would...
but I left my pyjamas at home.

Help!
Muchas gracias.

Help!

Are you OK?
I'm drowning.

I make you safe.

Come on, come on.
Steady. Oh, come on. Argh!

Ow!

We need to keep her alive
till she gets in the ambulance.

Mateo, do your CPR.

This is no time to make impressions!
Quick!

I don't know what to do. I think
you're meant to straddle her.

Oh, I don't think that's right,
is it?

Oh, she's saying yes, look.
She's saying yes.

Unbelievable.
Give her the kiss of life.

I don't know what this is.
What is it? Lean her head back,

open her mouth, and breath.

Wait! Wait!

Right, out the way, Mateo.
Get out of the way.

I'm sorry I haven't had
a shave, pet,

and I've just been smoking a rollie,

so it might not taste that great,
but it will save your life.

OK? Here goes.

So, she's all right now then?
I think so, aye.

The doctor gave her a sedative,
and told her to take it easy.

It's a good job you were
on hand, Les. Aye.

She went into spasm
a few times like.

I just knelt on her arms
and kept pumping.

Well, we've all been there, love.

Oh, I hate being stuck in here.
I miss all the fun.

A girl nearly drowned, Kenneth.

It's hardly the final of
Jeus Sans Frontiers.

Speaking of which, there's a stag do
tonight, and it's fancy dress. No.

Well, I was just going to say...
No.

I do not wish to wear a hat shaped
like a penis, and stagger around singing 'Tits Out for the Lads.'

You'll be with me. I'll make sure
nobody bothers you. Very droll.

Did you or did you not agree you were
going to come out and have some fun?

Yes, but I...
Good.

Cos you're going on a date.
A date?

Am I suddenly in the middle
of Dawson's Creek?

You might be if you play your cards
right, but his name's not Dawson. Whose name?

Do you remember Emilio,

that cute little waiter who worked
in the Pink Trombone.?

The one that tried to poke me
on Facebook? The same.

Well, you have just arranged
to meet him in the old town tonight.

Give me that!
Ah-ah-ah!

No phone till tomorrow, remember?

I don't need you playing
match-maker, thank you very much.

I'm married to Troy, and until
I've seen him and discussed this situation,

I remain his partner... civil or
otherwise. I'm just winding you up.

It's not a date, OK?

Emilio's a really nice guy, you get
on, and I thought you'd have loads to talk about.

He's into museums, and galleries,
and crap like that.

You know me, I don't know good art
from a good fart.

Quite. I seem to remember a rather
heated debate about Botticelli.

Exactly. Honestly, I thought it was
a haemorrhoid cream.

Oh, please, Gavin.

Please see Emilio tonight. You'll
enjoy some good, civilised conversation.

It's for my sake as much as yours.

I'm sorry. It wouldn't feel right.
Oh, fair enough.

I'll give him a ring, and tell him
you're coming on the stag do. Wait!

Hang on. This is DEFINITELY
not a date?

How many times?
OK.

OK.

I didn't really bring anything smart
with me.

And that's why God invented shopping.

Right, I've filled out
the accident book,

and I've made it sound like a
bit of hi-jinks that got out of hand.

I don't want a stain on my record
so soon after arriving.

Now, I want you to go
to the printers,

and get posters made up
with these rules

for people using the pool.

We can't be too careful now.
Sure, no problem.

Oh, and I want them putting up
throughout the resort.

I'm going to impose discipline
on this place if it kills me.

We should be so lucky.

There you go, my friend.
One little blue pill,

but you don't tell nobody where
you get it, yes? Cheers.

Appreciate it.
So... you hope to get lucky tonight?

Fingers crossed. I've no problem
catching the fish,

but I can't always, erm...

Erm... Ah, well. In Benidorm, there
are many types of sea creature,

but if you are going to the
English square, take a harpoon.

Thanks, Son.
Charge it to my room... Garvey.

Charge it to your room? Where do you
think you are, The Ritz? Ten euros.

I've got no cash on me.
I'll give it you later.

Tonight in Neptunes. You owe me
ten euros. I do not forget.

Ten euros for what?

What are you up to?

Nothing. I've just got a bit
of a headache.

Fella's got me an aspirin.
He charged you ten euros for it?

Robbing Spanish bastards.

Anyway, you're to come up
to the apartment, and get changed.

Your costumes have arrived.

All right. I'll be up in a minute.

Grandad!

I've just seen Uncle Pete.
He said I can come out tonight.

Oh, grand.
Are you coming or what?

Yeah... I think I might be.

Dad says he's running late.
He's gonna catch up with us later.

How come? I don't know.
He said something had popped up.

Listen, Mick, I've got plenty
of cash down here in my bum bag.

I don't want you paying. I don't
want any arguments about money.

Dad, can I have a shandy?
No.

Why? Uncle Pete said I could.

Maybe just a rum cocktail,
help him get in the party mood.

Let's go. The sooner we start,
the sooner we finish.

Hello, boys!
Hey!

Well, aren't we in
for a fun-filled night?

Sorry, are you... I invited Don along
when he helped us through the hedge.

Fancy dress was his idea.
When you're with a stag party in fancy dress,

you often get the first drink
for free. Free!

Yeah, well, that figures.
Great costume.

Thank you. I've never really been
into drag before,

but recently I served some time
at Her Majesty's pleasure,

and I was dismayed at the meagre
amounts of food we were given.

Luckily, I became Mr Big's
prison bitch,

and watched my portions
practically double over night.

Had me going there for a minute.

Are you here
for the fancy dress party?

It's not a fancy dress party,
it's a stag night.

Michael said it would be all right
if I came along. It's my night off.

Can he, Dad, please?
I want someone more my age.

Of course he can.
The more, the merrier.

Costume not arrive?
This is it.

My dad said to say I'm a premature
ejaculation. I've just come in my pants.

I don't get it.

Neither do I.
Can we just go now, please?

You bitch! This town isn't big
enough for the both of us, Donald.

I think you'll find only one
of us here has the figure for this.

Kenneth, you look wonderful.

I'm Pete. Pleased to meet you.
Rita Hayworth, Miss.

I heard you were hitting
the town tonight,

and you know what they say...
every stag needs a bit of drag!

I'll second that.
I said drag, not slag.

Right, let's go and paint
this town scarlet.

Jan, can I come in?

Yeah.

Are you all right, Stan?
Er...

Yeah, I've locked myself out.
Can I use your bathroom?

Oh, he's got the squits. Everybody
gets is first time they come here.

Just avoid the curries, and turn
the mattress over when you leave.

No, it's not that.
What is it?

Cramp?
Er-er-er... not exactly.

Stan, what's wrong with you?
I've, er... got a bit of stiffness.

Oh, is it your back?
Them beds are shocking.

Or maybe you've pulled something.

Not yet, but I think that
might get rid of it.

Come here, let's have a look at you.
No, no. I'm all right.

You might want
to turn that telly up. Don't worry. You're among friends.

My Mel suffered something terrible
with his bowels.

Some nights it was light listening
to a dog howling at the moon.

Mother! Right, I'll be back
in a couple of shakes.

Oh...

Stan, we've got no paper.

It's all right. I'll use a towel.

No, you bloody won't!

Er... excuse me, por favour...

Gavin!
Oh, Emilio. Hello. Hi.

I thought maybe we could
have a walk.

It's very dark in there,
but out here it's nice.

Well, that sounds lovely. Yes.

This is for you.
Oh, thank you.

O-OK.

It was a nice surprise
to hear from you.

Well, it wasn't actually...
never mind.

I'm sorry Troy has done
the splits on you.

I think you must be sad.
Yes.

It seems he was more like his
father than he ever dared to admit.

He's a fool.

No.

I'm a fool.

Listen, Emilio, it was so nice
of you to meet me like this,

but I'm still very raw at the moment
and I don't... No.

I'm sorry.

I'm old enough to be your father.
Or ar least a rather seedy uncle.

But Gavin, you is what I like.
You ARE what I like.

There you go. It's perfect.
I like chubby guys.

How dare you? I've been dieting
like a mad-woman for over a year.

I'm the dictionary definition
of svelte.

You're funny.
Oh, I haven't laughed for so long.

First Troy's father died, then
the responsibility of the houses.

I'm... sorry, Emilio. I'm wittering.

There's something about the sea
brings out my melancholy side.

Maybe you should, er...
dip your toes in.

See how it feels.
Maybe.

And what if I venture out too far?

Hang onto a boy.
That will save you.

Filth.

Smile!

Oh, that's a good one! I'm gonna
e-mail these to Kathy.

You've got wifi in the hotel,
haven't you? Yes, Pete.

Wahey! It's Captain Caveman!
Nice one, Dad!

Get us a beer, Michael.
I'm jiggered.

Get his a chaser as well.
He's got some catching up to do.

Give over. Daft pratt.

Do you think you'll ever want
to get married?

I don't know. I came close
last year, but it didn't work out.

Was that with Natalie?

She was well fit.

I nearly had a girlfriend last year.
Yeah? What happened?

Well, she was only here for a night.

Her name was Paige.

We had a couple of dates,
but then she left.

The page was turned,
the chapter was closed.

Yeah.

I don't think I'll ever
understand women.

Me neither. It's like my Nana.

When you go to kiss her,
she pushes you off and pulls a face,

but on a night, when she's listening
to her Johnny Mathis tape,

I can hear her talking to Mel
and crying.

She's lonely, but she doesn't
like people. It's weird.

So, they're getting divorced
via text message?

I must say, that doesn't sound
like the Troy I know.

Me neither,
but Gavin showed me himself. Look.

I think this new-found wealth
has gone straight to his head.

"If your bags aren't packed
by the end of the month,

I'll have no option but to take
legal action."

There you go. Heartless. It's like
he's talking to one of his tenants.

Hey, there's another message
straight after.

"Hey, darling.
Hope the weather's good."

You what? "I've just forwarded the
text I sent to the squatter in Woodland Terrace.

Let me know if you think it's
a bit too strong."

Oh, God. "Sorry about
our little tiff earlier.

I'll be joining you as soon
as I can. Love you always, Troy."

Aw! Three kisses.
Oh, shit.

Well, it's buzzing in here tonight.

The doctor did tell you
to take it easy.

How's your stubble rash?
Piss off, Sam.

It was funny. You've got to admit.

He was a proper BobFoc.
A what?

Body off Baywatch,
face off Crimewatch.

Hah! Hah!

You should do a bit of karaoke.
You've not been up yet.

I could do with a laugh.

Go on then. Give us the book.

Anything's got to be better
than this maudlin shite!

I hope our Michael's all right.

They better not have taken him to see
Sticky Vicky, or there'll be hell to pay.

I always said them Garveys were
a thoroughly bad lot.

Rough as guts, the lot of them.

They'll be wanting to get their
bony fingers onto the sun-bed shops,

you mark my words.
No, they won't, Mam.

Mick's taken care of all that.
Good.

Cos that's all we've got left
of Mel's legacy.

And I'll go to my grave
before I let anyone mess with that.

You'd better hurry up then.
Eh?

Hello. Do you mind if I join you?

I'm worried if she sees me
sitting on my own,

she'll force me to join
the singles' table.

And I prefer couples to singles,
don't you?

Erm, yeah. Help yourself.

I've just seen the boys
on their stag do.

They looked in high spirits.
Oh. Was Mick all right?

I think so. He wouldn't look me
in they eye.

Donald arranged for me to perform
my erotic dance

at The Yawning Donkey.

He thought it would be nice for
the boys, you know, as a one-off.

Right... and is it suitable
for a 13-year-old boy?

Oh, yes. It's very tasteful.

It's based on Swan Lake,

but sadly there wasn't time
for them to see my box splits.

Thank frig for that.

Excuse me, love,
is Emilio working tonight?

He with man.
An English man?

Bald spot? Face like a bulldog
licking piss off a nettle?

Si. That way.
Oh, God.

Don't go away.
I'm Rita Hayworth... Miss.

Gavin!

Gavin!

Gavin! Oh! Kenneth, what on earth
are you doing?

I hope you've not been following me.
Never mind that. Are you still with Emilio?

No, he had to go back
to work. I got caught short.

Oh, thank God for that. I had
another look at that text from Troy,

and it's all been a big
misunderstanding...

We were just discussing Botticelli.

Hey, I've just shown him how to do
a suicide tequila.

You snort the salt, down the shot,
then squeeze the lemon in your eye.

Do you want one? It stings!
No, let's split this bill,

and get back before Michael
needs his stomach pumped.

Janice is gonna kill me. I didn't
bring any cash with me, I'm afraid.

If you remember, I got the rounds...
When they came for free, yeah.

Did the hairdresser leave any money?
No, he had to leave in a hurry.

Oh, great.
Here, Mick... I'll get this.

You've done enough,
letting us stay and everything.

I've had this saved up
since last time I came on holiday.

Pete, this is pesetas.
You can still spend it, can't you?

They'll change it. They won't!
It's been defunct for ten years!

Hey, hey, hey! Don't talk
to your brother like that.

He's useless, Dad. He couldn't
organise a piss-up in a brewery.

Who are you? Alan bloody Sugar?

I've been running five sun-bed shops
for the past two years.

What do you want us to do,
roll over and shit Mars Bars?

Leave it, Dad.
No, I shan't leave it.

You've become a snob, Michael.
Ashamed of your own flesh and blood.

He's a piss-taker, Dad.

He's using my money to come on
holiday, and pay for his wedding...

There is no wedding.

What?
There is no wedding.

He made it all up.

He just wanted to come out
and see you, that's all.

I've had a lovely time,
but can we all go home now, please.

It-it-it-it's just
I think I might actually be blind.

Kathy is his dog.

Greyhound, which you would have
known if you'd have come near him these last five years.

Your brother spends all his time
looking after me.

He hasn't got time for a girlfriend.

Oh!

Look, every penny he borrows off you
goes to my rent, food...

ferrying me back and forth
to the hospital.

You didn't know that, did you?

Coming here was an excuse
for him to have a break.

A couple of beers in the sun.

I'd have come out with you. You
didn't have to make up a stag night.

Didn't he? When was the last time
you returned one of his calls?

I mean, you've got Janice,
Michael, Chantelle...

even Madge, for God's sake.

Who's he got? Me and you.

And I'm fit for nothing.

You know this will be
my last holiday, don't you?

What do you mean, Dad?

He's your brother, Michael.

Never forget that.

Oh...

you're gonna have to order
a taxi. I can't walk much further.

What have you been doing
that's made you so knackered? Believe me, Son...

you don't want to know.

Whoooo!

Has your friend got an agent?
No.

Why, do you think she needs one?
Yeah.

A travel agent.
Book her on the next flight home.

Goodnight, Benidorm!

Yes, thank you, Trudy.

So glad you've got so much energy
after this morning's excitement.

Anyway, next,
a classic Rolf Harris number

from our very own Les.
Thank you, Les.

Thank you.

Oh, good.
Put one behind the bar, Mateo.

I want everyone to know
we mean business.

Here, come and sit down.
I'll get you a brandy.

It will help take the edge off.

Oh, look. What happens in Benidorm
stays in Benidorm.

Troy need never know.

And besides, it was only a kiss
and a cuddle, wasn't it? Oh!

There's no law against it.

Oh, better make that a double.

Here we go!
One slightly seasick pirate

delivered safe and sound to the
captain's table.

Thank God, Michael, you're back.
Have you had a good time?

Oh!

Dad? Dad?

I'm serious. I think you might need
to take me to hospital.

All I can see is lemon. Dad!

Dad!

Daddy!

Pete...

can I buy you a pint?

Only if they take pesetas.

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