All language subtitles for Benidorm s05e01.eng

Right. Now, Dad!

Ah, now come on, son, play the game,
you know better than that! What?

I'll get out of the way
and then you can turn it...

Oops!
What you playing at, man?

Don't worry son, just stay
where you are. I'm coming!

Sorry, I don't work here.
But you just said you did.

No, I said I work here.

Well, if you work in there,
what are you doing out here?

Well, I am allowed to move about,
you know.

When a customer comes in,
I don't just appear in the corner of the shop like Mr Ben!

Who's Mr Ben? Is that the manager?

No, he's... Look, I have nothing
to do with them,

I pay them to be here.

Oh, you mean you're here on holiday?
Well, why didn't you say?

Listen I'm here on my own, if you
fancy a game of dominoes later. Gavin!

They've lost the luggage!
Oh, come here!

Welcome back to paradise!
How have they lost the luggage?

They put the cases in the coach
as we were getting on.

It's no good telling him, he doesn't
work here. We need to find Mr Ben.

Where's Troy?
I'm here on my own.

What?!
So am I!

Why don't we have a threesome?

I beg your pardon?
Dominoes.

Oh no, I've just remembered,

they were in my case as well!

Oh, blood and sand!

Excuse me!

So this is the empire.
No wonder Vidal Sassoon has retired.

What do you mean,
you're here on your own?

Can we talk about this later?
I need to see them about my luggage.

Oh, there's no manager here. I want
to know why you're here on your own.

Aren't you going to give me
the grand tour?

It's just two sinks
and a set of heated rollers.

Come on, I think me and you
need to have a little talk!

Well, have you got any dominoes I
can borrow until the cases turn up?

I'm here on me own and they were
going to be my ice breaker.

I think you should explain to us

why not only have all our cases
disappeared into thin air,

but why no one was there to meet
and greet when we got off the bus?

Meet and greet? Where do you
think you are, Disneyland?

You should watch what you say,
young man,

I've a lot of experience
in the travel industry.

I spent three years
under Richard Branson.

Oooh, is he the fella
in the balloon?

I always thought
he was one of the Bee Gees.

And that coach driver
was positively possessed.

There's a 60-year-old woman,
with angina, sitting outside

breathing into a paper bag.

I've never had a journey like it
in my life!

Look, the company who drive
the coach are the responsibles.

You need to talk to your
travel company rep, not me, OK?

No, no, no, no, it isn't OK!
And I want your name.

Mateo, my name is Mateo.

Are you blind as well as stupid?

Blind man's buff! You only need
an head scarf for that!

Mind you, that's in my case as well.

Please excuse my associate,
he's still learning the language.

Get out to the pool bar,
this place is falling apart.

All the cases are missing.

How do you expect people
to start their holidays

when they haven't got any clothes
to change into?

Well, I'm sure we can liaise
with the coach company

and track down your cases
before the end of the day.

Right, in the meantime
we will be happy

to temporarily lift the no swimming
in underpants restriction for the gents

and ladies can have full access to
my personal wardrobe of bikinis and summer dresses.

Well, I suppose that's a...

I beg your pardon?

Oh! Yoo-hoo! Hello!
Who the hell's that?

Oh, it's what's-her-name,
i'n't it, Noreen. Maureen who?

Noreen, Geoff's mother.

Who the frig's 'Geoff'?

The soon-to-be father
of your great-grandchild! Ooh.

Oh, I am glad to see you here!

I was coming up to your bar
later today.

Oh, we've lost the bar, love.
We're here on holiday.

You're not running that lovely bar?

Are you deaf?
She told you we lost it.

How can you lose a thing like that?
It's right on the seafront.

Are you sure you were
on the right beach?

You know, there's another one
further up,

but that's mainly Germans.

No, we ran the bar for the summer,

and then, well,
things didn't really work out.

What's it got to do with you anyway?

You here with that pisshead
daughter of yours?

Pauline? No, no, I'm here on my own.

You've come here on your own?
What sort of holiday is that?

Well, it always seems to be
the same faces here.

I thought it was odds on
I'd chum up with somebody.

Michael, go and get your auntie
Noreen a sunbed. She's not my auntie!

A chair's fine for me.
Go get her a chair!

I've just sat down!

Oh, thank you, Michael.
Hasn't he grown?

Right, now three teas.
I'm supposed to be on holiday!

I'll get the teas.
No, you won't!

Lazy bugger!

And I wonder where he gets that from?

Cup of tea, Noreen?
Oh, lovely!

Brandy in mine!

We could have a game of 'I Spy'
if you like, Michael.

I'm 13.

I've been meaning to ring you.

I mean, we're practically family

what with my Geoff and your
Chantelle having a baby together!

Let's see what colour it is first
before we get the streamers out.

So come on then, spill the beans,
what's going on?

Nothing's going on.

Where's Troy?
He didn't want to come.

So you come all the way out here
on your own? Yes.

What?
Have you two split up?

No, of course not.
So what's going on?

Nothing is going on!
How many times do I have to say that?

You've always been
an unconvincing actor.

What was that play you were in -
Midsummer Night's Dream? You were rubbish!

I'll have you know my Bottom was the
talk of Derby for weeks after that.

Charming, most people are happy
with a round of applause!

Look, Troy's not here because we were
too busy for both of us to come

and I didn't want to miss
the opening of your salon

so I thought I'd come out myself
for a few days. Oh aye?

Now, what about you giving me a trim
while I'm waiting for these cases to turn up?

You don't fool me, Gavin Ramsbottom.

I've seen that guilty look before
at work when you squeeze one out

and try and blame it on one of
the Chihuahuas. For goodness sake!

Come on. Grab that drink
and look on the bright side.

If you have been chucked, you're
in the alcoholic capital of Europe.

Even you could get a shag
in Benidorm.

I hope you don't think
I'm being rude...

but you've got really beautiful
eyes. You think so?

Yeah, I love the way
they sparkle in the sunlight.

A lot of guys say this to me.

I tend to sweat a lot in the sun,
but... but you smell gorgeous.

OK, I am quickly losing interest.

And if I said you had a beautiful
body would you hold it against me?

It's not fair, you're not in
the slightest bit interested!

There is no point
us going any further.

You promised I could have a turn
at being the girl!

'I tend to sweat a lot in the sun.'

And then you wonder
why girls do not like you?

Well, come on then,
show me how it's done.

There is no use
in trying to fight

what we both know
is a forgotten conclusion.

Forgone.
Sh, do not speak.

Just look into Mateo's eyes

and tell me your breast
does not thump like a beating drum.

Ba-boom, ba-boom.

Come to my room tonight and
we will make sweet music together.

Te amo, te necesito, te deseo.

Can I help you?

Er, no, you're all right mate.
I think I'm at the wrong bar.

You can't just grab a girl's face
like that, she'd be horrified.

Don't you know about personal space?

You... You are everything
that is wrong with English men.

Pale, weak, pathetic,
like a tiny ginger mouse.

When was the last time you saw the
matador running away from el toro?

Sometimes you just have
to take the bull by the horns.

Hiya, can I have, erm...
Let me see...

There's no use trying to fight it,
don't even...

That's what you think,
you ginger dick!

Now, it's only 10:30.

Bit rude to start on the Jagerbombs
already.

I'll have a bacardi, large,
straight, no ice.

Make that two, will you?
We'll be sat over there.

Oi, drinks!

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with...

Beginning with...

Something beginning with 'C'.

Cardigan. My turn.

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with 'AB'.

Hang on a minute!
'Absolute bollocks'.

Which is what we've been listening to
for the past hour. Mother!

You didn't even give us a chance
to guess!

Anyway, it wasn't cardigan,
it was camel.

Camel?
That's right.

Is she on drugs?

Where can you see a camel here,
Noreen?

Well, not an actual camel.
Camel hair.

Camel hair? Yeah, apparently
that's what this cardie's made of.

That would explain the hump then!

I think you mean mohair.

Oh, is that what it is, mohair?

Well, what on earth is a 'mo'?

Oh, for Christ's sake!
I'm off to get some cigs.

It's all right, Nana.
I'll go for you.

Oh aye, and when did you suddenly
become Santa's little helper?

When Mrs Doubtfire started
giving us all brain damage.

Oh, nice one, Michael!
Come on, we'll go together.

Sorry about that,
he's at a difficult age.

I'm used to it.

They tend to get a bit giddy

when there's no father figure
to keep them in check.

Is he unpacking?
Who?

Your husband?

Oh, no, he's coming out
in a couple of days.

We've got a few sunbed shops at home

and there was a bit of a crisis
just before we left.

Topping up his tan
before he gets here, is he?

No, we've got some staff problems.

He'll be here tomorrow
or the day after.

My daughter Pauline had staff
when she lived in South Africa.

She once told me her butler
used to wake her every morning

with a soft boiled egg.

I think he must have just tapped it
on her head.

Did you live in South Africa
when you had Pauline?

Oh, no fear! I've never been
to South Africa.

Very racist country.

Is it?

Oh yeah. And when they're not
being racist,

they're running around
in a loin cloth

with a bone through their nose.

According to our Pauline.

So that's it. Not exactly
Tony & Guy, more Kenneth & Co.

Well, from tiny acorns...

Do you mind not looking at
my hotpants when you say that?

Talking of Kenneth and company, it's
not just you working here, is it?

Oh no, God forbid,
I'd never get any sunbathing done.

No, I've got interviews this
afternoon for a new assistant.

I'm looking for someone very local
and very cheap.

No change there then.
Oi!

Hello, sorry to interrupt.

Can you do me a wash and blow dry
sometime this afternoon? No.

So what is going on with Troy then?
You can't squeeze me in?

I don't want a cut,
I just want a wash and blow dry.

No, I'm sorry love, we're
completely rushed off our feet.

Go on.

Well...
This evening?

You what? Do you have an appointment
early evening?

No.

I bet you I know what's going on.
All that money's gone to his head.

I had this mate once
who won Ј300 on a scratch card,

started shopping in Waitrose
and buying loose leaf tea.

When is your next appointment?
Oh, will you go away?

Look, believe me love,
with split ends like that

it's not an hairdresser you need,
it's a crash helmet.

No, it's nothing like that.

We had a bit of argument
a few days ago.

Can't remember what it was about now.

Then he started getting
a bit distant.

He's set up a management company
for all these houses

his father left him in his will
and works all day and night.

Anyway, I said, 'You're obviously
too busy to come on this holiday,

maybe I should go and see Kenneth
on my own'.

I only said it to get a reaction
and he said, 'great idea'.

And here I am.

Do you think they do 'wonder pants'?

You know, like a wonder bra,
but for men?

I think I need a bit of lift
and separation.

Any chance of a quick head massage?
No! How many times?!

Jacqueline! Oh my God!
Hola!

Oh, come here!
You look wonderful!

Thank you!
I can't believe you're here!

I tried ringing you on that number
you gave me last year but it just went dead.

I thought it was maybe Donald's
number you gave by mistake! Kenneth!

How insensitive!
Jacqueline, how are you?

Oh, you know, bearing up. A lot's
happened since last time I saw you.

Well, of course, it must be almost a
year to the week of Donald's death.

It's so brave of you to come back
to Benidorm.

I imagine being here
you feel much closer to him.

You could say that.

Kenneth?
My God!

Kenneth? Kenneth?

Oh! Oh God!

Ghost by the door!
What on earth are you talking about?

No, I just saw him walk past...

I've come to take you with me!

Pack it in, will you?
Sorry about that.

How many times have I told you
not to do that?

Sorry, the temptation
is sometimes just too great.

I think we've got a bit
of explaining to do.

So you're trying to tell me
you came here last year

and you didn't cop off
with one single bloke? Yeah.

You, in Benidorm for a whole week,
and you didn't cop off?

That is not the truth,
pure and simple.

You know what Oscar Wilde said,

'The truth is rarely pure
and never simple'.

Yeah and you know what else he said?
'You can't shit a shitter'.

Oh yeah, that were in Lady
Windermere's Fan, weren't it? Dunno.

Anyway, it wasn't my fault
I didn't get a shag last year.

I broke me leg, didn't I?
I could have both my arms in plaster

and I'd still find a way
to unbutton the mutton.

In saying that,
there's not much talent here.

Apart from Dirty Diego, of course.

That's the one
I were telling you about!

The one that shagged Natalie? Yeah,
they were engaged at one point.

What?

You have got to be joking!

She wanted to marry a dirty,
clap-infested Spanish barman

at a Benidorm all-inclusive?

Turns out he was married with kids.

Of course he is,
that type always are.

Which means when he's tired of riding
an old Spanish donkey at home,

he comes to work for
an English saucy mare.

You just said he were clap-infested?

We're in Benidorm! Get real, Sam.

You can't fight the bull
without picking up a few fleas.

Anyway, sorry to say it, but I think
he goes for something a bit more...

A bit more what?
Feminine.

Are you saying that I'm not feminine?

Well, you can be a bit -
A bit what?

A bit blokeish.
Blokeish?!

You are joking, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm a strong woman,
and I'm proud of that,

but at the end of the day
they don't come more girly than me.

Hey, Liam!
I didn't know you worked here.

That's weird.
That's the lad we met last year.

Oh yeah, I nutted him in the face
earlier.

So, it was all a big insurance scam?
I don't like to use the word 'scam'.

Well, then what was it?
Oh no, it was a scam. I just don't like to use the word.

What happened then?

Well, you know the fella
with the white beard,

that we saw at the
British Consulate? Yeah.

Well, he followed us.
What, all the way to Marrakech?

Oh yes. Honestly, why don't people
just mind their own business?

They were trying to defraud
an insurance company out of half a million!

Exactly, an insurance company.

So no need for captain Birdseye
to be poking his sticky beak in.

Anyway, things got rather messy
after that.

We got home, charges were pressed,

and I'm afraid a custodial sentence
was passed. Oh no!

Well, it could have been worse.
Some people go to prison for stuff like that.

That's what a custodial sentence
means, you idiot! Oh.

Surely the company hadn't paid out
by then? It didn't matter,

it was still a fraudulent claim.
I managed to pull a few strings

with a friend of mine
who's a high court judge

who happens to be the president
of the DSA.

Darlington Swingers Association.

But he only managed to help
Jacqueline.

I'm afraid somebody
had to take the rap,

and I went down for eight months.
Eight months?!

I'm afraid so.
8 months confined, 23 hours a day

in a cell with a 19-year-old
body building arsonist.

Woo-hoo! Now we're talking turkey!

'Arsonist' means he sets fire
to things. Oh.

It must have been absolute hell.
It had its ups and downs.

I did my best to make sure
Donald had his home comforts.

Every visiting day,

I used to smuggle something in
for you, didn't I?

Every Friday without fail.

They used to frisk you
as you went in,

but I got quite good
at hiding things,

well, let's say, 'about my person',

if you know what I mean.
Right.

Oh yes. I started with easy things...

you know, pens, money,

magazines - rolled up, of course.
Yeah, well, they'd have to be.

But after a few months practice,

I was smuggling in all sorts,
wasn't I?

Oh yes, I can safely say
I was the only man on D-Wing

with a George Foreman Grill.

Right, another round, I think.
I'll go.

I'll go. I don't think you should
risk siting on one of them bar stools.

We might never see it again.

This place is falling apart!

And then he wanted him to be
called Clint, after Clint Eastwood.

Can you imagine our Geoff
being called Clint?

So I had to put my foot down
and say no.

'You chose Pauline's name
so it's my turn now.'

Sorry Noreen,
were you saying something?

I was just saying,
11 names our Geoff had

in the week before
he was actually christened.

Michael. No, not Michael.
He was Melvin at one point.

No. Where's our Michael?

He went for cigarettes with Madge.

That was ages ago.

That were brilliant. My
dad never lets us go to the beach.

Live for today, son,
that's what I say.

Plus hopefully that wittering old
bag will have buggered off by now.

The only thing is though,
I've spent all my holiday money.

All of it? I knew you shouldn't
have bought that inflatable.

The inflatable was only 6 euros.

Your cigs was 35 euros, your hat
was 15 and your nails were 20.

Yeah, but don't I look good?

Oh, come on, game of ping pong?
Yeah, all right.

There you go.
Cheers.

That must be for you. Weren't you
dressed as a man earlier?

Yes, pet. Thank you. Excuse me!
Yes, love? What's this?

Er, it's the salad you ordered.
No, I ordered a pepper salad.

Oh aye, there's plenty of pepper
on it.

I watched the chef make it. He was
sneezing like an asthmatic cat!

Hey, I'd hold your nose if I was you!

No, no. I ordered a pepper salad -
a salad with peppers on it.

Oh! You mean salad peppers,
not shaky pepper.

What's shaky pepper?
You know, salt and pepper.

Where's the man who took the order?
Oh, that would be Mateo.

He's sloped off for a fag break.
Between you and me, this place is in chaos at the moment.

Oi, Tranny Annie!
Are you trying to kill me?

My salad is covered in pepper!

Out the way, mind your backs!
Where are you going with that?

What the frig's
it got to do with you?

Excuse me, excuse me. You're not
allowed to move the ping pong table.

Do you think I'm going to be playing
indoors when it's 85 degrees out here?

Piss off!

Dad, it's all going wrong today.
Don't worry, son. I'll handle this.

Where have you been? You said
you were off for a fag break.

I did, then I went for a swim.
Oh!

Lesley, relax,
there is no person in charge.

When the cat is away
the mices will play.

I think it's about time the mices
were put back in their cage.

All right pet, just calm down,
I'll get you another salad.

Listen, get changed, right?

And it's not a cat who's away,
it's the new manager.

If he sees you like this
he'll have your guts for garters.

What can he do?
Every manager we have the same.

They come here and they think
they are very important,

but he will be just another English
asshole. I beg your pardon?!

He wasn't talking about you,
he was talking about the new manager.

I AM the new manager.

I beg your pardon, love?

Joyce Temple Savage,
the new manager of the Solana.

Well, if you're the new manager,
what are you doing here on holiday?

You were supposed to start today.

She's not on holiday young 'un,
she's been spying on us.

Spying? I don't think so!

When you spy, you look through
a fence or over a wall.

I've been here,
in the eye of the storm.

Oh come on now,
you might be having a crap holiday,

but you can't fault the weather.

I want you three idiots and all
the members of staff on this list

in the Hawaiian function room
in 15 minutes.

Pathetic! Do you hear me? Pathetic!

And believe me, after 25 years
in tourism, I have seen the lot.

I have seen...
staff paralytic in Portugal,

stagnant swimming pools in Salou,
food poisoning in Faliraki...

So, in fairness this isn't
your worst holiday.

I am not on holiday!

Listen pet, I know things
might have looked bad,

but we had no idea
you were the new manager.

We were told
it was going to be a bloke.

I think they were right.

What did you just say?

I did not say anything.

You, my friend,
are standing on very thin ice!

You, what's your name?

He does not speak English.

He doesn't speak English?
His name's on his badge.

I wasn't asking you!

What did he just say?
He said he likes your hair.

A transvestite waiter,
a moronic caretaker

and a hotel worker in Benidorm
who doesn't speak a word of English.

Well, I've heard the lot now!

Well, I suppose it's a bit like
there being a manager

of a holiday resort in Spain
who doesn't speak Spanish.

Watch it, you. I'm in charge here.

I do not, repeat, do not tolerate
any form of back chat!

You, get in this line!

Piss off!

That's Kenneth,
he's not actually Solana staff.

I knew the reputation of this place
before I took on the position,

but nothing... nothing had prepared
me for the undiluted incompetence

I have witnessed here this morning.

But, luckily for you,

I enjoy a challenge.

And I am going to turn this standing
joke into the pride of Benidorm

or my name is not
Joyce Temple Savage.

You said your name
was Joyce Temple Savage.

What? Outside, you said your name
was Joyce Temple Savage

and now you're saying
it's not Joyce Temple Savage.

There's a time to talk
and a time to keep quiet. Now is a time to keep quiet.

Sorry, Dad.
Dad? That explains a lot.

And I assume you're
the long-lost cousin.

Hey, I have no relations
with these people whichsoever.

Class dismissed.

Welcome to the Solana.

You seem to be a little stressed.

If you need to relax, just let me
know, I am very good with my hands.

Get back to work!

Well, it was very nice
to meet you...

Destiny.

And if we do get any vacancies
for a 16-year-old lap dancer

with no qualifications
in hairdressing,

then you'll certainly be in the
top ten people we'll call back to the second round.

Thank you very much.

Oh, it's you.

I'd like a word with you.

Well, you've just had six,
so one more won't hurt.

I appreciate that you are
not Solana staff,

so I can't sack you straight away.

But one word from me to head office,

and you'll be out of this salon
so fast

your feet won't touch the ground.

And one word from me

saying how your first morning was
spent watching this place fall apart

while you were sat on your arse
in the sun sipping cocktails and eyeing up waiters

and you'll be on your broomstick
faster than you can say Margaret Hamilton!

Next!

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,
madame et monsieur,

my name is Joyce Temple Savage
and I am your Solana manageress.

And it my great pleasure to welcome
you to this Solana Resorts holiday

here in sunny Benidorm.

The weather is a warm
yet not uncomfortable 24 degrees,

but for those of you
who are not sun worshippers,

we have our afternoon kiddie's movie
in the Hawaiian Function Room.

So this is Joyce Temple Savage,
your Solana manageress,

saying gracias for your indulgence
and wishing you a very happy holiday.

What the frig is this
they've got on?

Oh, I love this, it's, erm...

Oh, what do they call him,
it begins with a 'B'.

Beethoven?
Bobby Crush.

Do you not like classical music,
Madge?

Sorry to interrupt you again,

Joyce Temple Savage here,
your Solana manageress.

Just a slight amendment for you.

The kiddie's film now being shown
in the Hawaiian Function Room

is not 'Dumbo'
as previously advertised

but 'The Elephant Man'
starring John Hurt.

Very similar to 'Dumbo' except
this one is in black and white

and he has a bag over his head.

Those of you who have yet to be
reunited with your luggage,

will find a full range of
complimentary under-arm deodorants

and intimate feminine moist wipes
available gratis...

that's free of charge,
in the front reception.

Thank you for your indulgence.

That's all we need,
a load of fat, sweating pigs

stinking the place to high heaven!

I hope she's not going to be
making these announcements every five minutes.

And why is that music this loud?

Michael, go and ask them to
turn it down. You go and ask them.

I'm getting a bit tired of
your back-chat, my lad.

Just because your father's not here.

You're not too old
to go across my knee.

I don't know why you had a son,
you obviously just wanted a skivvy!

Drag him out of that pool
by his hair

and batter him within
an inch of his life!

Oooh, battered cod,
that's what I should have had.

This burger is dry as a bone!

He's just missing his dad.

Joyce Temple Savage,
your Solana manageress again,

just letting you know
that due to hygiene reasons,

Solana guests who are still
waiting on their lost luggage

and consequently have had no change
of clothes since the early hours of this morning

are not permitted to use the pool.

Also, the large lady with the blotchy
arms and long, dark, greasy hair,

please keep to swimming
with her head out of the water.

We have enough drainage problems
as it is.

Gracias for your indulgence.

Right, I'm not standing for this.
Where are you going?

I'm off to shove
this plinky plonky music

right up Joyce Temple Savage's
arse!

Oh 'eck!

Three down, 'highest male
singing voice', twelve letters.

Dale Winton?

Not enough letters.

Chris Biggins!

Oh yes!

What the frig is this
you've got playing?

This is Liebestraum.
Not for me, thank you love.

I'm just trying to get this
shite music turned off!

Oi!

I'm sorry, do you have a problem?
Yeah, but not as much of a problem as you

if you don't turn
this bloody racket off!

Classical music has been clinically
proven to de-stress, minimise crime

and reduce staff assaults
by up to 25%.

Reduce staff assaults? Where was
your last job, bloody Alcatraz?

I'm sure if you go and lie on your
sun bed, and soak up the atmosphere

you'll realise just how relaxed
and comfortable

classical music can make you feel.

And I'm sure if you don't
turn this music off,

you'll realise how uncomfortable
a fat lip can make you feel.

What's this music you're playing?
It's doing everybody's head in!

Well, I think it's rather fine.

Well, I mean, it does start to grate
after a while.

Well, there's only one way
to decide this.

Good afternoon, ladies and gen-
Oh, and pack it in with them bloody announcements!

Oh my God!

Jacqueline, are you all right?

Oh, yes.

I wonder if they're all right.
They've been through such a lot.

You're joking, aren't you?
When they got out of the pool,

Donald spent 15 minutes asking the
make and model of that microphone!

Hello boys,
all right if we join you?

Of course, we were saving your seats.

How are you, Jacqueline?
You look... better.

Not that bad, actually.

I had a similar jolt

when I smuggled a transistor radio
into prison for Donald.

Yes, that was a close shave.

We were sitting in the visiting
room, Jacqueline crossed her legs

and we had Pick Of The Week
blaring through her pleated skirt!

How did your interviews
for a salon assistant go?

Oh, brilliant thanks. I've got
someone starting tomorrow morning.

Her name's Carmen, you know,
like the rollers. Spanish girl?

Can't speak a word of English.

I've told him,
it'll all end in tears.

I've told you, she's on a month's
unpaid trial and after that four euros an hour.

Like Del Boy used to say,
this time next year...

you'll be at a European tribunal.
Oh, I don't remember that episode.

Was that the one where
he fell through the bar?

Look, they're here,
they're not dead!

You knew they weren't dead.
You saw them get out of the pool.

If they had died
would you have gone to prison, Nana?

What are you talking about?
It was nothing to do with me.

You texting Mick?
Yeah.

You honestly think he's going
to be coming out here?

Nothing wrong with them shops.
He's on manoeuvres, mark my words.

Very pretty young lass he's just
taken on in the Claremont Road shop.

Very pretty lass indeed.

My dad always said you'd do well
in prison, Nana.

That's because I'm single minded, I'm
independent and I won't be beaten.

No, he said it's because you look
like someone called 'Vinegar Tits'.

The scran in here isn't much better
than that salad I had today.

It's not the food
we want to be bothered about.

Come on, get that drink
down your neck.

I'll get us another couple
and we can get this party started.

What, in here?

No, we use this place for
as many free drinks as possible,

sing a couple of karaoke songs
to warm up, then hit the town.

It's like a pensioner's day trip.
What are we going to sing,

'We'll Meet Again'?

Excuse me, four more vodka cokes
here.

You can only have two drinks at
one time. Two drinks, two people.

Bring us the drinks that we've paid
for on this all-inclusive holiday,

or you'll have me to answer to.

I get you four drinks now,
but this is the first and last time.

You do not scare me.

I think you might be playing
a little bit too hard to get with that one.

Believe me, I know what I'm doing.

Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.

What do you do for foreplay,
kick 'em in t' balls?

See, what you've got to understand
Lesley,

is these are not holiday-makers.

I thought they were.
Oh no. These are all dogs.

Well, there's a fair few munters,
I'll give you that,

but one or two of them aren't so bad!

I don't mean like that.
I mean they've got to be trained.

They have a pack mentality.

Without sophisticated touches
such as classical music,

this place is in grave danger

of being downgraded
to a two star resort.

Take this afternoon, for example.

One person said they didn't
like the music, what happened?

Two people got electrocuted
in the pool.

No, the pack mentality kicked in.

Do you not just think
the majority of the people here prefer other types of music?

What about Pablo's dogs? His name's
Mateo and he hasn't got a dog.

You ring a bell enough times
and a dog will start slavering.

I'm not sure. I think you're just
saying random words now.

Watch and learn, my friends. Joyce
Temple Savage will not be beaten.

Something tells me
she will be beaten, young 'un.

About the face and upper body
with a chair leg

if she pisses this lot off any more!

Bonsoir tout le monde, my name
as many of you now know is Joyce...

Temple Savage.

Yes, that's correct and it is my
profound pleasure to introduce tonight's entertainment.

There will be no karaoke
this evening...

but instead we have a singer who
is described in Opera Today magazine

as 'a wonderfully gifted young man

with a winning smile
and a golden voice'.

Please welcome,
all the way from Milan, Arturo!

Boo!

♪ Dalla sua pace... ♪

What are they frigging about at?

People on holiday don't want
to be listening to this!

Well, it's all right,

but I don't think I'd want to
listen to it all night.

♪ Piace vita mi rende... ♪

I've seen enough.
Come on, we're hitting the town.

Hang on, I think I've
just developed a love of opera.

♪ Morte... ♪

Crap music, but he's as fit
as they come.

Oh, I could sit
and let it wash over me all night.

Hey, you dirty git, I saw him first!

I was talking about the music.
Yeah, right!

You see, the peasants
aren't revolting.

Far from it, can you see
what's happening?

Yeah, the poor lad's dying
on his arse!

The odd nod of appreciation,
the gentle swaying of the head.

You see, people don't have
to be screaming and shouting

and throwing themselves about
the place to enjoy themselves.

♪ E mia quell'ira... ♪

I am not so sure.

This is boring. Aw, poor lad's
getting all flustered.

Mind you, it is absolute shite.

What did they say
this lad's name was?

Dunno.

I know who that is, that's Asa.

Who is it?

Asa Elliott, he used to sing for us
at The Benidorm Palace.

Hey, Asa! Give us a song we know!

All right Madge. How you doing?

It's all gone a bit Pete Tong
up here.

Well, try number 27.

Number 27, Darren!

♪ I seen her in a smoky room ♪

♪ The smell of wine
and cheap perfume ♪

♪ For a smile
they can share the night ♪

♪ It goes on and on and on and on ♪

♪ Strangers waiting ♪

♪ Up and down the boulevard♪

♪ There's shadows searching...♪

It's Mick.

He's got everything sorted,

and he's flying out tomorrow!
Oh, my dad's coming on holiday!

♪ People living just to find emotion ♪

♪ Hiding somewhere in the night... ♪

This guy is good.
He's brilliant!

Course he is!

I had you all going there, didn't I?

Well, the pack mentality's working -
even you've joined them.

Go on, son!

♪ Don't stop believing ♪

♪ Hold on to the end ♪

♪ Streetlights, people ♪

♪ Don't stop believing ♪

♪ Hold on to the end... ♪

I don't believe it,
I think I'm in there.

Of course you are, queen,
he's gagging for you.

You've no idea what it was like
being here last year

with my leg in plaster,
I couldn't get a sniff!

That was then, this is now, girl.
You go for it!

Whoo!

♪ Streetlights, people ♪

Are you all right, queen?

I think I've broken my arm.

I don't believe it!

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