All language subtitles for Benidorm s04e03.eng

And I can guarantee you,

that is not a Mars bar in
the shower cubicle, get it shifted, now.

Uh, excuse me...
-Yeah?

Do you know
when the water aerobics starts?

''Water aerobics, today 1 0am.''

Yeah, you've got a point,
it is a bit cryptic isn't it?

Well, it's just that
it's nearly 25 to 1 1 :00.

Oh, for God's sake. Mateo!

There you go.
-Thanks, Lesley.

(GASPING) I love that colour!

Oh, it's nice isn't it?
It's called Hot Fudge.

I tend to steer away
from dark colours, you know,

'cause they can make me hands
look a bit masculine,

but I think I get away with these.

Oh, definitely.

Where's Slack Alice?

Who?
-Mateo.

Oh, I think he went to get changed
for his, whatchamacallit.

Dianetics.

That was over an hour... Dianetics?

Isn't that Scientology?

Oh, it's no use asking me, pet,
I never go near the water.

Plays havoc with a straight bob.

Oi, Norma bloody Desmond,
your public are waiting.

What on earth has he got on his head?

Look who's talking.

What do you think you're playing at?

What am I playing? Have you seen this?

(CHUCKLING)

What's wrong with it?

What is wrong with it?
What is right with it?

You look... fine.

Janey, I look like a homosexual gay.

I don't think you can blame that
entirely on the lycra.

Hey, hey! It's Mr Motivator!
(LAUGHING) You look fantastic, man!

Is this for the aerobatics?

That's it. I'm going back.

You are going nowhere.

We've had a dozen pensioners
been waiting for you since 1 0:00.

There's that many hormone patches
floating in that pool,

people are going to be walking out
a different sex.

Ooh, I might have a dip after all!

Listen, if you don't get over there...

What's going on down there?

Down where?
-Down where? Down there.

Brought an orange for half-time?

Janey, I'm going back to change.

Oi, you're going nowhere.

You either start kicking your legs
to Donna Summer on the side of that pool

or I'll take this
as a formal resignation

and your locker will be cleared out
within the hour. Shift.

Looking good, handsome.

And no knocking off after 20 minutes.

You started late, you finish late,
do you understand?

Bloody hell, is it rag week?

And what kind of a question's that?

Just because a woman raises her voice,

it doesn't automatically mean
she's on the blob.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, here he comes.

(ALL CHATTERING)

MAN: Get on with it!

What's he come dressed as?

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SHRIEKS)

Mutton dressed as Spam!

Eh, whatever they're paying you, love,
it isn't enough!

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

(ALL WHOOPING AND WHISTLING)

Hi, babes, you all right?

Do you want to budge up
and I'll get another sunbed?

Yeah.

Babes? Babes?

Sorry, what happened between you and him
when we got back from the hospital?

Absolutely nothing.

Then why is he calling you ''babes''?

I don't know.

I thought you didn't fancy him.

I don't. He's like a strange child
that won't go away.

I can't believe
you used to go out with that!

Still, happy times now, eh, babes?

Sorry, did you want summat?

No, I'm all right thanks, Sam.

How's your leg?

(SIGHING) Still broken.

Oh, it will be.
It takes weeks apparently.

(SAM SIGHS)

Come on, get on with it.

Okay, first of all,
marching on the spot.

Oi, don't march too fast,
you might lose your packed lunch!

(LAUGHING)

And move your arms, too.

You never know, you might start
getting rid of your bingo flaps.

Bingo flaps?

Eyes down for a full house!

Come on, jump.
Come on, move your fat bellies.

What the frig's going on there?

Bit of aqua aerobics.
Did you not fancy it, Madge?

You must be joking.

Go on, they won't mind
you tipping your fag ash,

as long as it's the shallow end.

Water and me have never got along.

You don't say.

You can find some very dangerous things
close to water.

Like what? Shower gel?

A friend of mine, Edith, moved into
a retirement home in Southport.

Fit as a fiddle when she got there,
she was dead within three months.

Right. Did she drown?

No, she had a heart attack
while watching Deal or No Deal.

Well, what's that got to do with water?

What's it got to do with...
You know where Southport is?

It's near the sea.
-Yeah.

I rest my case.

Well done, Madge,
another mystery solved.

Jessica Fletcher must be
shitting herself.

How's it going?

Yeah, all right.

(DONALD PANTING)
-Are you okay?

Just a bit out of puff.

It's hard to admit,

but I'm no longer at the peak
of my physical fitness.

Oh!

You look like you're gonna die.

I'll be fine.

It'll be a while before
I let go of the rope, as they say.

Just need to catch my breath.

What's going on over there?

I say, what's them two fellows
doing over there?

Oh, for God's sake,
what's wrong with you?

You can see where Janice gets it from,

(IN SHRILL VOICE)
''Oh, I wonder who are they?

''Oh, look at what they're wearing!

''Ooh, what do you think
they're talking about?''

Why can't you just leave people alone?

Keep your nose out
and mind your own business.

Bloody hell, who are they?
What is it they want?

So, you do not know this woman
who is wife of Mel Harvey,

her name, Madge.

No, as I said like,
people come and go so fast here.

(CHUCKLING)

Of course, if we discover you are lying,
you will have many problems.

Oh, you mean that Madge Harvey!

Sorry, sorry,
I thought you meant somebody else.

Yes, I used to work for Mrs Harvey.

And where can we find this Mrs Harvey.

She's, uh... She's...
She's not here today.

But if you'd like to leave a message,
I'll make sure she gets it.

Was it anything urgent?

We have good news and bad news
for Mrs Harvey.

The good news is,
she no longer owes money

to Mr Reg Fiddler
of Benidorm trailer park.

Oh! She'll be over the moon
about that, I imagine.

The bad news is our employer, Mr Pink,

has bought her husband's debt,

so we need to arrange
an appointment with her to, uh...

resolve this
rather pressing business matter.

Right, so the message is
to basically give you a ring, like?

The message is this.

If she does not ring the number
on this card in the next two hours,

she will die.

(LAUGHING) No, no, seriously,
what's the message?

That is the message, isn't it?

Right, you can rely on me, pal.
I'll give it to her right now.

Well, not right this minute,

'cause I can't do that, she's not here.

But I'll make sure she gets it.

Have they gone?
-They've gone.

Hey, if there's anything I can do
to help, you just let me know.

No, you're all right pal.

This is a problem for the Garveys now.

We deal with these kind of situations
our way and on our own terms.

We don't need any help.

From anybody.

No worries, I'll stay out your way.

Sorry, I can't borrow your mobile,
can I? Haven't got any credit.

Of course, you can.

There you go.
-Um... Thanks.

No problem.

MATEO: Right, left. Right, left.

Yeah, me Nana's always talking
about funerals and stuff.

She never shuts up about it.

I don't think she's scared of dying,

I think she's just worried
that when she does go,

there are so many people
left on the planet

she didn't manage to annoy.

As me dad always says,
''Life's a bitch and then you die.''

Don't worry, you'll be okay.

Everything's going to be okay.

You, what the frigging hell
was you doing to them?

What has this got to do with me?

Well done, one down,
only a few hundred to go.

I always said this place
was a death trap.

Come on, Michael.

I'm off back in the pool.

You are not.
You're staying out of that pool today.

Oh, Mum!

Can I go now?

Somebody dies during your aerobics class

and you're asking
what's it got to do with you?

Have you never heard of,

''Where there's a blame,
there's a claim?''

He's not dead!

Also he was not doing the class,
he was standing at the side.

Bloody hell, he doesn't look too clever.

I'll be surprised if that one
doesn't go back in a body bag.

This is not my fault.

I'm sorry, but something like this
could close us down.

Clear out your locker and we'll pay you
to the end of the month.

What? Janey! Janey!

Señor Garvey, the fat man,

he was not doing the aerobics,
did you see?

Sorry, mate, I've got enough problems
of me own right now.

No, I am listening to you,

I'm just looking outside.

It looks like someone's died
in the pool.

Oh, that reminds me,

can you record Strike It Lucky for me?

I don't know, one of the cable channels.

All right, Son, give my love
to Chantelle and baby Coolio.

Oh, our Pauline's up.

Do you want to say a quick hello?

No, it's all right,
she doesn't want to, either.

Okay, speak to you tomorrow. Bye...

Bye.

That was our Geoff.
You know he's working now.

I've booked a flight home tomorrow.

You what?

I'm in my 40s,
I can't live like a student any more.

What do you mean, ''like a student''?

How many students do you know
have luxury holidays in Spain?

Luxury? You call this luxury?

Well, I've been in worse places.

I'm sure you have.
Well, I for one have not.

There's no need to go.
We've only got three or four days left.

We could have a day trip somewhere.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Oh, heck.

Well, I hate to admit it,
but you were right not to go in.

Thank you.
-Could have been you, that.

I beg your pardon?

Well, I know you're doing dead good
with your no carbs thing but...

You know.
-I know what?

You know, a man in your state
should be...careful.

To which kind of ''state'' do you refer?

Look, what I mean is...
How can I put this...

If you were a derelict building,

they probably wouldn't let kids
play in you.

Kenneth, tell me something,
as you sit here on this free holiday,

sipping unlimited cocktails in the sun,

have you ever heard of the phrase
''Don't bite the hand that feeds you.''

No.

Quelle surprise.

Is that something they teach you
at Weight Watchers?

I don't go to Weight Watchers.

Oh, have you got any sun cream?
-Yes.

Brilliant, where is it?

Are you asking if I have any
or if you can have some?

Oh, forget it, I'm not begging.

There's a supermarket
next to the entrance to the hotel.

I haven't brought any money with me.
You said this was all-inclusive.

All-inclusive means food and drink.

What kind of all-inclusive resort
provides you with sun cream?

Oh, God, sorry, hold that thought.
Back in a bit.

What are you doing?
Where do you keep going?

Won't be long!

(GROANS)

Who's he talking to?

I've no idea.

Can you hear what he's saying?
-No.

Well, ask him what it's all about.

Oh, for God's sake. Mick!

Shh!

That's not me dad's mobile
he's talking on.

What's going on Mum?

I don't know darling.

It's got something to do with them
fellows in the suits. I know it.

Well?
-Well, what?

Who were the men in the suits?

What men?
-Useless.

The ones who were stood behind you
when you were at the bar.

Oh... Um...

I don't know.

You went all the way over to the bar
to see what was going on

and you didn't find out?

I went over to the bar for a drink.
-Not according to me mother.

Oh, well, then your mother's wrong.

Dad, whose phone is that?

It's my phone.

No it's not. Your phone's rubbish,
that one's really good.

Mick, just tell us, what is going on?

Nothing's going on.
There's nothing to worry about.

See, that's your problem.

You always make a big fuss
about stuff before you know the facts.

So what are the facts?
-There aren't any!

Just thought I'd bring you all
a few drinks.

Oh, thank you.

And I took the liberty
of bringing you a little chaser as well.

What's that?
-It's a drop of brandy.

Steady your nerves.
-There's nothing wrong with my nerves.

LES: Well, you are an amazing woman,
Mrs Harvey.

All I'm saying is if two big, hairy
gorillas had just threatened to kill me

over an unpaid debt,

I'd be putting me knickers
on a boil wash by now.

(LAUGHING)

Have you finished with my phone?

Champion.

Oh, it's too hot.
-Oh, really? I'm fine.

I think it's the quarter of my body

encased in, itchy, sweat drenched,
airtight plaster

that's taking my mind
off how boiling the rest of me is.

There's no way
that's a quarter of your body.

I beg your pardon?

Don't say it as if it's our fault.

''Our fault''? ''Our fault''?
What? You and your husband?

''Our fault'' as in myself and Liam,

the two people who were with you
when you fell off your dance podium.

Fell off? You dragged me off.

I didn't drag you anywhere.

She didn't drag you,
you fell off 'cause you were drunk.

Haven't you got
really important things to do,

like plaiting your dad's hair?
-No.

Just leave it, Sam.

His hair's not long enough to plait.

Anyway, it's a wig,
he could probably do it himself.

Shut up!

Don't take it out on him.

God, this is driving me mental!

Liam, why don't you get us all a drink?

I'll give me dad a wave.

No, Liam, why don't you
get us all a drink?

It's no bother, it's me dad's job.

Liam, Sam and I need to talk
to each other.

Oh, okay.

Oh, for crying out loud,

this is the most stupid person
I have ever met in my entire life!

Listen, I think I'd better
make meself scarce,

she's obviously a bit upset with you.
I'll see you later.

(LAUGHING) He's actually quite funny.

He's not, he's not funny.
He's irritating, immature, stupid...

He's not stupid, he's sweet.

Oh, my God, you actually fancy him.

Of course I don't fancy him.
-Then tell him to go away.

(MUMBLING) Listen,
I'll get the drinks in a minute.

I've just got to try and sort this out.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

So basically, the debt's been passed on

and I've arranged to meet them
to sort it out.

But why are you meeting them?
We haven't got the money.

I'm going to try and work out a deal.

They can't just buy someone else's debt.
Tell them to shove it up their arse.

Madge Harvey,
the Kofi Annan of the Costa Blanca.

Right, I'd best get off.

Come on, let's get packed up.
-What do you think you're doing?

We're coming with you,

you don't think I'm letting you go
on your own, do you?

Come on, Mum. Michael you're staying
here with your Auntie Noreen.

I don't have an Auntie Noreen.
-You do now.

I want to come!

Oh, let him come,
he doesn't take up any room in the car.

It's not about car space,

this is a meeting
with a psychotic Mafia boss,

not a day out at Centre Parcs.
You're all staying here.

Come on, Mam, you bring the bags,

I'll drop Michael off
and I'll see you at the car.

You can't come with me,
it's too dangerous.

Wait for me.

Jan!

Let's have a look.

She's a good-looking lass, that Natalie.

(MUMBLING) Yeah, I know.

Don't mess this one up, Son.
-No, I won't.

Yeah, that's fine.

What's going on?
-Just one minute, Janey.

Give it a little bit of a wiggle.

Yeah, you're good to go with that, Son.
-Thanks, Dad.

Actually, on second thoughts,
I don't think I want to know.

Have you seen Mateo? He's gone,

but he hasn't cleared his locker out.

No, I haven't seen him.
-Right.

Are you sure that's your son?

Yeah, Liam's me youngest.
I've got two more, twins,

but they're in Israel living on a kebab.

This place is like
a Channel 4 documentary sometimes.

She's gone.

Lesley, you have to help me.
I need this job.

Don't worry. I think I've got an idea.

We must have gone wrong somewhere.

They said third exit off the CV-758
on the way to Les Tapiades.

This is the right road.

We should have brought Michael
at least he can read a map.

Oh, let's turn round and go back home,
frig the lot of them.

They'll soon come running
when you don't turn up.

Yeah, they'll come running
with sawn-off shot guns,

have you never seen Lock Stock?

(JANICE SIGHS)

Must be through that tunnel.

JANICE: You've got to be joking.

If you think you're taking me
up Crack Alley,

you've got another think coming.

You've never complained before.

Did you miss me?

With every fibre of my being.
Where did you go to?

Oh, just a little shower,
you know, freshen meself up a bit.

You probably haven't noticed,
but it's quite hot.

MAN: Hello.
-Y'alright?

Hey, do you fancy eating out tonight,
my treat?

Who was that?
-Who was what?

That man you just said hello to.
-I didn't say hello to anyone.

A man just walked past,
he smiled and nodded to you

and you said hello to him.

Did I?

It's just people on holiday, isn't it?

So, do you fancy pizza tonight?

I thought you didn't bring
any money with you?

Yeah, I thought I didn't,
but I found some euros in me case.

Must have been from that weekend I had
in Ibiza last year.

So if you don't fancy a pizza,
do you fancy a Chinese?

No, thank you.
-Oh, suit yourself.

Hi.
-Hiya.

What?

Where the bloody hell are we?

MICK: Is it a film set?

I know where we are,
Mel told me about this place.

They built it as a Wild West theme park.
He was thinking of buying it.

They used to do a cowboy stunt show.

Only, one night someone changed all
the blanks in the guns for real bullets.

Bloody hell. What happened?

What do you think happened?

Next day, first lot of tourists came in,
show started...

Absolute bloodbath.

Ugh. Why would somebody do that?

Something to do
with a bad debt, apparently.

Oh, my God.

Everybody keep calm.

Everything's going to be all right
as long as we don't panic.

Drive forward.
-Piss off!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)
What are we going to do,

we can't just sit here?
-Just let me think.

Oh, for God's sake, wait here,
I'll go talk to them.

No!
-No!

Just... Just drive forward a bit.

What are you piddling about at?

We'll be here all bloody day
at this rate.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Hang on, look.

Throw out your weapons.

Are you taking the piss?

Don't antagonise them,
throw something out.

What am I supposed to throw out?

Anything, just do as he says.

Step out of the car slowly.

Okay, after three,
we're all going to get out the car.

Stay together. No sudden movements.

One, two...

Oh, sod this for a game of soldiers.

Mother, what are you doing?

What the frig are you doing,

dragging us all out here
to the arse end of nowhere?

You might enjoy piss balling about
playing cowboys and Indians,

but personally,
I've got bigger fish to fry.

Mam, these are dangerous people,
please, let Mick deal with it.

Dangerously stupid, look at him!

When you're as fat as that,
the last thing you want to be wearing

in this weather is a three-piece suit.

This is not a three-piece suit,
it's a two-piece.

Oh, Jesus.
-Oh, my God.

Well, why are you wearing a tie?

You're sweating like pig on a spit.

It was not that hot
when I left home this morning.

And why on earth
are you wearing that colour?

Don't tell me it's slimming,
'cause I've got news for you,

that suit's black, not black magic.

It's a work suit,
I wear what I'm told to wear.

(CAR DOOR OPENING)
-MR PINK: Oh, for crying out loud!

I can't listen
to any more of this rubbish!

Now listen, have you got my money,
or haven't you?

Sorry, am I talking to myself?

Are you Mr Pink?
-Yes.

And before you ask me,

no, it is not my real name
and yes, I did choose it.

Now, where's my money?
-I haven't got it.

We have got it, just not here.

So, we've driven all this way
for nothing?

Do you know how much petrol
these things get through?

I am lucky if I'm getting
six miles to the gallon.

Do you accept Visa?
-Yes, of course we do.

Will you wait here for me, while I nip
back to the office and get the machine?

Course we don't accept fucking Visa!
Where do you think you are?

John Lewis?
-Do you accept PayPal?

I don't believe I'm hearing this.

What the bloody hell's PayPal?

Oh, it's brilliant. I use it
to pay for stuff I've won on eBay,

you know, stuff for a couple of quid

you don't want to use
your credit card for.

All right! That's enough!

Uri, get in their car with them.
We're taking them to the track.

I have told you, sir,

do not excite yourself,
you have had a long week.

I know, I know, Uri, I do too much.
-Yes, sir.

Get in the car. Move.

MR PINK: We are going to track.
-All right.

Just get in. Mum, just get in.

Excuse me, woman dying of thirst here.

I am not working today.

You don't seem to do much work any day.

It shouldn't stop you
passing me a vodka Coke.

Did you see what happened
at the pool today?

I've seen that bloke
getting dragged out by his feet.

Has he sued you yet?

He was not doing the aerobics class
when he went under the water.

Yeah, I believe you. Thousands wouldn't.

Maybe if you were a witness,
if you say you saw everything,

we could come
to some kind of, uh, arrangement?

Yeah, no worries.

50 euros and I'll say
I pushed him under.

Well, I don't have money,

but I could pay it to you
in another way.

Really?
-Oh, yes.

It could be a very, very big payday
for you,

if you say the right things.

Aw, and if only you could say
the right things,

you probably wouldn't be a sad, lonely,
old, leathery-faced waiter

clearing up other people's shite.

I am not a waiter, I am a barman!

Stop looking at me arse!

Hostia!

Look, mate, what's happening?
What are we doing here?

We've said we can pay your money,
just not today.

And before you say anything,
this is 90 calories.

Just call the police.

What? At 40 pence a minute?

I mean, it's not the money,
we don't know the number, do we?

Oh...

What the hell's going on here?

I don't remember saying
that we were having lollies.

Sorry, sir. I was going get you one
when you came out,

I did not want it to melt.

Forget it! Get me my helmet.

Yes, sir.

Mr Pink wants his helmet!

What are we doing here?

I am going to make you
an offer that you can't refuse.

I've always wanted to say that!

Now, at this moment in time,
thanks to your late husband,

you owe me 3,000 euros.

JANICE: She doesn't owe you a cent!

You can't pass on a debt
without telling someone,

I know all about it.

Never a lender or a borrower be,
many a mickle makes a muckle.

I see you brought
your legal representative with you.

So what's this offer, then?
-Very simple. Double or quits.

Shove it.
-Oh, for crying out loud, Mother!

Right,

1 0 laps around the track.

If I win, your debt doubles.

If I lose,

you walk away from here, debt free.

This is a bloody cinch.

Ever seen me on a go kart?
I'm like shit off a stick.

You've got yourself a deal.

Oh, no, no, no!
Not you, I want to race her.

Rent-a-gob.

You what? Don't be ridiculous.

There's nothing ridiculous about it!

Give me an helmet,
I'll run rings around him.

If it is a ''him.''

Mother, you're not racing in a car.
Mick, tell her, she'll break her neck.

Well, if she wants to have a go...

Do your worst.

Oh, no, I intend to do my best,

which will leave you six grand in debt.

(JANICE AND MICK ARGUING)

Why don't we make this
even more interesting?

If I win, I get to clear my debt
and get another 3,000.

If you win, we owe you 1 0 grand.

I've made easy money before,
(CHUCKLES) but this is taking the piss.

You've got yourself a deal.

Start the engines!

Mr Castellanos,
I need you to clear out your locker.

Oh, and leave the premises.

Janey, why are you being like this?

I'm sorry,
but I'm just covering my back.

Janey, let me get this straight,

you're worried
that the guy nearly drowned

as a direct result of doing
the water aerobics class?

That's what happened.

I spoke to Mr Stewart's wife
before they left for the hospital.

Now, what if I can prove otherwise?

What's this?

J. Iglesias, solicitors.
The logo's a bit wonky.

Well, he's a mate of mine, he's just
starting out, like, you know...

''I the undersigned, hereby confirm

''that I was witness to the fact
that Mr Donald Stewart

''was not participating
in the Solana water aerobics.

''Moreover, I also confirm
that Mr Stewart

''was talking to myself
at the side of the pool

''prior to the accident, complaining
about his long-term ill health.

''Signed, M Garvey.'' Who's M Garvey?

You know, that rough family,
always sit over in the top corner.

Can you narrow it down a bit?

Right. Well, I suppose
we're covered with this,

if the man from Atlantis
tries to make a claim.

Can I keep this copy?
-Absolutely.

This means I can stay, Janey?

Put your shirt on and no more
serving people in a sweaty vest.

Thank you, Janey, thank...

And don't forget your name badge.

(SIGHS)

Thank you, Lesley.

No worries, pal.
Let's just say you owe me one.

Absolutely.

Hey, but how did you get this signed?

The family in the corner,
they went away today.

No, not all of them.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(ENGINES REVVING)

(MR PINK CHUCKLES)

Mr Pink, are you ready?

Wrinkly old woman, are you ready?

Shove it.

Let's burn some rubber!

It's not working! It's not working!

He's given me a dud!

You're pressing the brake, you daft cow.

Use the pedal next to it,
move your foot to the right!

And take that big bloody helmet off,
you'll go twice as fast without it.

Don't say that, she needs a crash hat.
What if she falls out?

How's she going to fall out?
She can't even get bloody moving!

Oh, there's another pedal here,
this might...

(YELLING)

Heh heh!
-Oh no you don't!

Up yours!

Up yours and all! (SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

Well, there goes six grand.

Don't say that, she's getting going now,
she might catch up.

How's she going to catch up?

If she goes any slower,
she'll be going bloody backwards.

Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.

What the bloody hell does that mean?

You know,
it's like the tortoise and the hare.

Me mother's the tortoise.

How is the fact that your mother looks
like a tortoise going to help her

win a bloody go-kart race?

Oh, oh! Come on, Mum, put your foot down
for God's sake!

Where are we going to find 6000 euros?

Well, it could be worse.
-How on earth could it be worse?

Could have been 1 0,000.

I'll get you!

No! You've got no chance!

Right, I've seen enough.

Mum! Come on! Get off the track,
you're only going to get hurt.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Oh, shit!

Hang on a minute.

What's going on? Uri, get over here now!

Who has been riding my go-kart? Who?

Nobody, sir,
nobody else can fit inside this one.

Wait here, I will get you another kart.

There's no point
in getting another kart,

my feet can't reach the pedals
in any of the others!

Get me a mechanic now!
Come on, move it! Move your arse.

Hey, you!

Hurry up!

(CHEERING)

Go on, Madge! Go on!
-Come on, Mum, you've only got...

How many times has she got to go round?

Three more laps to catch up,
then it's two more to win.

Three more times round to catch up

and then when you've done that,
two more...

For Christ's sake put your foot down!

MICK: Just keep going, Madge,
just keep going!

(BOTH ARGUING)

MR PINK: Move your arse!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Come on, Madge, you can do it!

Oh, she's going to win,
she's going to win!

I'm going to get you!

Inch High Private Eye is on the move
again! Come on, Madge, keep going!

And as they come round the bend
for the final lap,

it's Madge on the inside.
Mr Pink trying to make a break for it,

but Madge puts her foot down.
Is there no one who can stop this woman?

She is on fire!

Mr Pink jostling for position,
but he's still bringing up the rear

and not for the first time,
I should imagine.

Another bend, wheels almost touching,
but it's Madge still in the lead...

Get off my track, you bastard bitch!

While Mr Pink is turning the air blue.

And now, as they come round the bend
for the final straight,

it's, Madge, Madge, Madge all the way!

Come on, Mum!

Mr Pink has edged in front! No! No!

I've got my money!

Oh, come on!

Put your foot down, Madge,
for God's sake put your foot down!

(MADGE SCREAMING)
-What's she doing?

(MADGE CHUCKLING)

But it's Madge who clinches it,
Madge is the winner!

Ladies and gentlemen, the hero
of the hour is Mrs Madge Harvey!

Mother, you were amazing!

Oh! Oh! Get us a fag, quick!

Come on, Madge, let's get out of here
while we can.

Hang on a minute.

You stupid fat lump!

We've got a bit of business
to sort out first.

You've just lost me 1 0,000 euros!

Get out of my sight, go on,
get out of my sight!

And I want that signet ring back
I bought you!

Oi, Pinky.

You owe me 3000 euros.

You what?

We changed the bet just before the race.

I'm sorry.

I don't seem to remember anything
of that nature.

Yes, you bloody do,
we shook hands on it.

Mother, come on,
let's just get out of here.

And you have witnesses to this
last minute change of rules, hmm?

No, I thought not.

So take your bony carcass
and your scummy family

and get off my property before I change
my mind about the whole thing.

Come on, Madge, let's just go.

Right, that's fine,
but we both know what that deal was.

And believe me,
when I get back on my feet,

which I will, I'll let it be known
that Mr Pink is a welsh.

Welsh? I'm from Southend-on-Sea.

Not from Wales, you tit.

Welsh, you welshed, chickened out,
went back on the deal.

You won't even be able to get
a game of blackjack.

Get off my property!

Go on, get out of it!

♪ And bad mistakes

♪ I've made a few

♪ And I've had my share of sand
Kicked in my face

♪ But I've come through ♪

I can't believe you won, Nana.
-No, neither can we.

Can't believe I missed it.

Oh, you didn't miss much, darling,
it wasn't that exciting.

I just wanted to say I had lovely day
with Michael,

he was absolutely no bother at all.
We had great fun, didn't we?

Pauline's going home tomorrow,

so maybe we could finish
that game of I Spy.

Something beginning with ''P'', wasn't it?

But I've forgotten the clues.

Something blue, wet,
and people swim in it.

(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah.

No, we'll have to carry on
with it tomorrow.

Have a lovely night!

Madge Harvey?
-Yeah.

JANEY: Someone left that for you
at reception.

(READING) ''I'm not from Wales.

''And I never want to see
your faces around here again.''

Bloody hell.

♪ We are the champions ♪

(LAUGHING)

♪ My friends

♪ And we'll keep on fightin'
till the end ♪

I just photocopied it.

If I'd had more time,
I'd have done it on my computer,

but me dad needed it there and then.
It's not bad, is it?

Brilliant.

If you were on Mastermind,
what would be your specialised subject?

Good question.
I think probably the colour purple.

(GASPS) Alice Walker?
That's my favourite book.

No, purple.

The colour purple,
it's my favourite colour.

What would yours be?

Morons I Have Known and Almost Killed.

Oh, right, I don't know
nothing about that.

Right, well, I've been told
if I collect a few glasses

over the next couple of hours,
there's 1 0 euros with my name on it.

Oh, well, we don't want to keep you.

I'm assuming
they've just written my name on it.

It would be too much of a coincidence
for them to find one like that.

Right, see you in a bit.

Mmm, turkey meatballs
in an aubergine sauce.

Well, they're nothing if not ambitious.

If I had another mouthful,
I'd just be forcing it in.

Ooh, welcome to my world!

Is that watch new?

Oh, yeah, bought it this afternoon,
what do you think?

I thought you had no money?

It wasn't expensive.

Actually it was, but you have to treat
yourself every now and again, don't you?

MAN: Faggots?

How dare you?
Did Judy Garland die for nothing?

Oh, sorry, Donald.
-Oh, my goodness!

We were worried about you.

I asked at reception how you were,
but they'd had no news.

Sit down, I'll get another chair.

No, don't bother.
I've just got to pop out for 20 minutes.

Actually, probably make it half an hour.
I'll see you in a bit.

How are you?
-Oh, not so bad.

I've got to take it easy
for the next few days,

but, let's face it,
I'm in the right place for that.

Well, it's a bit more serious
than that, Donald. The doctor said...

Uh... He said I've got
high blood pressure.

Tell me something I don't know.

Now, how about a Slippery Nipple?

Uh, no, I'll go. I just need to
nip upstairs first, though.

Take your time, we'll order some food.

Have you done with this one?
Would you mind if I had it as a starter?

Please, be my guest.

KENNETH: Now, it's up to you to tell me
how far you want go.

Don't forget
you're the one who's paying.

Now do you want me to reposition this
mirror so you can see me doing it?

All right, I've heard enough
you disgusting pigs, I'm coming in.

I bet your wife doesn't know
you're here, does she?

Course she does, she's paying for it.

(RAZOR WHIRRING)

Well, we did it, Mel.

We sorted the last
of the money problems out.

We made a good team, you and me.

And now, I'm going do
what you always told me,

invest money in something I believe in.

You.

Just because you're not around any more,

doesn't mean I've stopped
believing in you.

Mel Harvey Leisure Industry
is back in business.

Right, come on.

It's been a long day.

Night, Madge.

Good night, son.

SAM: (GRUNTING) Come here.

(GRUNTING)

Yeah, yeah!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Yeah, yeah, oh!

JANICE: Is that you coming?

No, there's a lass down there
in a shower...

(SAM SHRIEKING)

Yeah, I'm coming.

(SIGHING)

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