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1
00:00:01,80 --> 00:00:03,200
- (CROAKS)
- Let us begin.
2
00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:04,440
(ROSS PROTESTS)
3
00:00:04,560 --> 00:00:05,600
(YELLS OUT)
4
00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:07,640
Get some placards and paint
and phone rent-a-mob.
5
00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:09,600
We're not going down
without a fight.
6
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:12,00
| need you to tell me
where Richie is.
7
00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:13,720
| won't do it.
8
00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,360
We pass you to him,
we pass him to you.
9
00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,760
We pass you to him,
we pass him to you.
10
00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:22,240
History will not be repeated.
11
00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:24,80
(GROANS)
12
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:27,00
(DISTORTED) In this house...
13
00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:28,880
...we don't die.
14
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,680
There are many theories
surrounding the abduction
15
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:36,800
of the journalist
and the council worker,
16
00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,920
and speculation still surrounds
the motive.
17
00:00:40,40 --> 00:00:43,200
Disturbing scenes there.
And what exactly does he mean
18
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:46,560
when he says, "We are
a local shop for local people"?
19
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,200
Is he implying
we're unwilling to trade
20
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:49,520
with other territories...?
21
00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,480
No, no,
it's the exact opposite.
22
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,80
He's saying we've had enough
23
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,120
of what he calls
"petty meddling".
24
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,320
We own a shop,
a good shop, a shop
25
00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:58,440
we should be proud of,
26
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,400
and I, for one,
am Sick of people
27
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:01,760
trying to talk our country
down...
28
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,960
Poppycock!
Piping words into my mouth.
29
00:01:05,80 --> 00:01:07,720
Now, apparently the Daily Mail
want to speak to us.
30
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:10,320
That's just a phoner.
And then they want us
31
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,360
on the Andrew Marr Show
on Sunday morning.
32
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,200
No screens at the table, Tubbs.
You know what | said!
33
00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:16,640
You're becoming addicted.
34
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:18,200
One sec,
just update my Insta...
35
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,00
No! Give it to me.
36
00:01:23,40 --> 00:01:26,440
We are local news
for local people.
37
00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:30,160
We are of no interest
to the outside world.
38
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,640
NEWS REPORT: The siege
is entering its second day
39
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,480
in the town of Royston Vasey...
40
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,240
(OVERLAPPING NEWS REPORTS
IN VARIOUS LANGUAGES)
41
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,200
No comment!
42
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,600
No! Leave me alone!
43
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:39,320
Hmm. Another communication
from the police.
44
00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:41,640
They're worried we are
mistreating the hostages.
45
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,520
We're not mistreating you,
are we?
46
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,240
| did a trumpet on my one!
47
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:48,680
- (FARTS)
- Oop!
48
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:49,760
(GIGGLES)
49
00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,200
(TREMBLES)
| Know you're very angry
50
00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:53,840
about this boundary change...
51
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,440
How many more times?
We don't like change!
52
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,240
If we had Apple Pay,
we wouldn't need change!
53
00:02:58,360 --> 00:02:59,320
Silence.
54
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,480
I'm sure if you told
the authorities
55
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:02,720
what your demands were,
56
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,680
they...they would be willing
to do a deal.
57
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,160
Local authorities?
58
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:07,800
Yeah. | Suppose so.
59
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:09,920
Very well.
60
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,00
Let's talk shop.
61
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:14,520
(FARTS)
62
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,400
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
63
00:03:33,80 --> 00:03:35,00
Ooh! Come on, you beggar.
64
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,360
(GRUNTS)
65
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,920
Yeah, I'll have that mix for
you by lunchtime tomorrow.
66
00:03:41,40 --> 00:03:42,680
I'll push the bass on it,
get it pumping.
67
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,160
Yeah.
68
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:45,640
Catch you later.
69
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:47,440
That's all done for you now,
Mr Tim.
70
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,120
Hey, no worries. Call me Slim.
71
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,240
It's what | was known as
on the Manchester Scene,
72
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:53,680
back in the '90s.
73
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,440
You know anything
about the music business?
74
00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:59,800
No. No, not really.
75
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:02,320
It's all about the polishing
for me now.
76
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:04,680
Has to be.
77
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,760
It's not like it used to be,
of course.
78
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,760
I've got a million-pound
recording studio in here.
79
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:11,680
Have you? | saw
you had an en suite, but...
80
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,360
No. All in here.
81
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,760
Amazing what they can do
these days.
82
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:17,960
Anyway, I'm wasting your time -
83
00:04:18,80 --> 00:04:19,760
you've got floors to polish.
84
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,680
No, no, no, no,
it-it's fascinating.
85
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,840
| remember
what things used to be like,
86
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:27,00
patchbays full of cables
like spaghetti.
87
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:28,480
You were in a band?
88
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:29,960
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
89
00:04:30,80 --> 00:04:32,520
We didn't do too bad.
Pub scene, you know.
90
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,160
The Whip
next to City Varieties.
91
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:36,600
Did a bit of telly.
92
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,480
Did the pilot
of Get It Together,
93
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,120
with Roy North
and Ollie the Owl.
94
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:41,960
Non-broadcast, like.
95
00:04:43,40 --> 00:04:45,960
| played on Mississippi
by Pussycat.
96
00:04:46,80 --> 00:04:47,360
Demo.
97
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,240
We had our own outfit -
Creme Brulee.
98
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:51,400
You might have heard of us?
99
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:52,480
No.
100
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:53,720
No...
101
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,360
| expect not.
102
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,640
So you packed it all in, then?
103
00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,440
Yeah. | did have a go
on my own, but, er...
104
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,720
...pipe dreams, you know?
105
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,00
Well, I'd best get on, Mr Slim.
106
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,800
I'll leave you me card in case
you want these doing again.
107
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:10,200
They should be all right
for a few months,
108
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:11,880
but they do tend to scuff...
109
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:14,560
...over time.
110
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:16,520
Oh, well,
I'll bear that in mind.
111
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:18,240
Good luck...
112
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:19,400
..Les.
113
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:20,920
Oh, yeah, yeah.
114
00:05:40,40 --> 00:05:44,120
WOMAN: (TRANSLATES) Growing up
in Herzoslovakia in 1970s,
115
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:45,680
times were dark.
116
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,400
We could only eat mice
117
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,520
and make love to our fathers.
118
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,840
But there was one light
in darkness -
119
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:55,160
Sweet Suite
by Leslie McQueen.
120
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,160
What are we fancying, love?
121
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:08,600
Um, probably have
my usual - calamari.
122
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,200
I'm not that hungry, actually.
123
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,320
Probably just going to go
for four or five starters.
124
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,400
(DOOR OPENS)
125
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:14,600
Oh, no...
126
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,240
- What?
- Hey, Luigi!
127
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:18,760
The party's here!
128
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,800
Ah, my favourite signora! You
want to sit in the window, huh?
129
00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:23,40
Yeah, all right.
130
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,400
Er, no, no, we want to be
in the middle, don't we, Scott?
131
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,800
We don't get to come out
very often.
132
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,240
Speaking of which,
133
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:30,720
hello, Charlie!
134
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:31,880
Stella.
135
00:06:32,00 --> 00:06:33,520
Would you like me
to push the tables together
136
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,280
SO you are one group?
137
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,880
No, you're all right, thanks,
Luigi.
138
00:06:38,00 --> 00:06:39,960
We're not together any more.
139
00:06:40,80 --> 00:06:41,720
Look,
why don't we get a takeaway?
140
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:43,280
No, it's a free country.
141
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:44,680
What's the point
in having a toy boy
142
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,560
- if | can't show you off?
- Stop it!
143
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:49,840
I'm going for a fag.
144
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,760
(DOOR OPENS)
145
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,40
That's what you did, isn't it,
Charlie?
146
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:57,720
Went for a fag.
147
00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,80
Are you going to let her speak
to us like that?
148
00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:00,360
- She's fine.
- It's not fine.
149
00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:02,600
Stand up to her. Otherwise,
you'll never move on.
150
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:03,640
Yeah, all right, Gordon.
151
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:04,880
You don't have to shove it
down my throat.
152
00:07:05,00 --> 00:07:06,120
Hal!
153
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:07,680
I'm going for a ciggy as well.
154
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,320
Well, don't try and bum
my boyfriend, will you?
155
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:10,960
Why not? He might enjoy it.
156
00:07:11,80 --> 00:07:12,560
Your last one did.
157
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:16,320
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
158
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:18,880
| don't.
159
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:21,320
If anything, Gordon prefers...
160
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,640
| don't want to hear it,
Charlie.
161
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,520
Listen, Stella...
162
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:30,840
...It's none of my business,
but the wheelchair,
163
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,520
the black eye...
164
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,480
Are you all right?
165
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:44,840
Luigi!
166
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,560
Come and make me laugh
like you used to.
167
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:47,880
She's deflecting, Luigi.
168
00:07:48,00 --> 00:07:49,600
Oh, can he not allow me
to be happy, Luigi?
169
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:50,840
| never stopped loving her,
Luigi.
170
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,120
| only want to have fun, Luigi.
171
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,120
Gordon never listens to me,
Luigi.
172
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:55,680
Scott's got a temper on him,
Luigi.
173
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,680
He's put So much weight on,
Luigi!
174
00:07:57,800 --> 00:07:59,480
I've got a slow metabolism,
Luigi!
175
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,640
- SCOTT: We're going, Luigi.
- Don't let him take me, Luigi.
176
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,80
She can have hers
in a doggy bag, Luigi.
177
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,00
I'm just a mouth to him, Luigi.
178
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:06,360
| pretend it's Stella, Luigi.
179
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:07,680
| lie to the doctors, Luigi.
180
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:08,960
My mother died young, Luigi.
181
00:08:09,80 --> 00:08:10,120
I'm more lonely
when I'm with him,
182
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,560
- Luigi.
- I've confused love with food,
183
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:12,800
- Luigi.
- I'm so frightened,
184
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,320
- Luigi!
- She can't make me hard,
185
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:15,640
- Luigi.
- Help us, Luigi!
186
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,600
- What do we do, Luigi?
- How do we choose, Luigi?
187
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:22,800
Well...
188
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,640
... ave you looked
at the specials board?
189
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:25,880
Oh, no, we haven't, actually!
190
00:08:26,00 --> 00:08:28,120
Oh! You never think to do that,
do you?
191
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,840
(ALL CHAT)
192
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,200
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
193
00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:45,280
Excuse me, sir.
We've done our homework.
194
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:46,880
Would you like an apple?
195
00:08:47,00 --> 00:08:48,00
| told you -
196
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:49,960
no SWAT team.
197
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:05,960
You must be Edward.
198
00:09:06,80 --> 00:09:08,120
That's right.
199
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:09,840
I'm Gareth Chapman,
200
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,360
and I'm a trained
hostage negotiator.
201
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:14,840
Sorry,
| didn't catch your name.
202
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:19,360
Right.
203
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:20,440
Well, shall we just...?
204
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,240
Tubbs!
205
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:23,360
OK.
206
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:26,800
- Do you mind if |...?
- Please.
207
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,200
So, um...why don't we start
208
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,600
with you telling me
your opening position?
209
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,640
On top with my eyes closed,
if it's any of your business.
210
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,360
Right. And | know you've said
211
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:41,920
that the hostages
aren't for sale a...
212
00:09:42,40 --> 00:09:43,40
This is a shop.
213
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,360
- Nothing is for sale.
- Well, | appreciate that.
214
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,440
I'm not here to butter you up
and then go behind your back.
215
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:48,920
That's his opening position.
216
00:09:49,40 --> 00:09:50,40
Tubbs!
217
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,440
Why don't you fix our guest
a drink?
218
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,480
Use a clean glass.
219
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,880
Now, you must appreciate
that | can't negotiate
220
00:10:02,00 --> 00:10:04,840
without establishing whether
Ellie and Lindsey are safe
221
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,960
- and sound.
- He's using their names,
222
00:10:07,80 --> 00:10:09,80
so we see them as people
223
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,40
- rather than bargaining chips.
- (T'UBBS HUMS)
224
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,960
Very clever trick.
All in good time.
225
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,120
Here.
226
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:19,120
Would you like
a chocolate biscuit?
227
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,200
Er, no, I'm fine, thanks.
228
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:25,160
You know, | might just let that
cool down for a bit.
229
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,800
| believe you're unhappy with
the shape of the county line?
230
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:31,440
Oh, that's Edward.
231
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:33,640
He likes me
to shave it all off.
232
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:37,760
But moving the boundary could
be good for your new town.
233
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:42,680
Bring new business investment,
more diversity, more customers.
234
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,560
No!
235
00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:48,480
For the final time, this is
a local shop for local people!
236
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,800
There's nothing for strangers
here.
237
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:52,160
All right, OK.
238
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,640
| thought
it might come to this.
239
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,520
Can | borrow your phone?
240
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,280
Oh...
241
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,480
It's only on 32%!
242
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,880
Oh, all right.
243
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:11,320
Yeah, this is the Tin Man.
Can | speak to Dorothy?
244
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,400
Just do it!
245
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:16,680
Thank you.
246
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,440
Mr Tattsyrup...
247
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,960
...| have the Prime Minister
on the phone for you.
248
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,360
(GRUMBLES QUIETLY)
249
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:48,40
Yes, that's right,
we make everything on site.
250
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:50,840
Uh-huh.
251
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,120
(PHONE ALERT)
252
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:53,520
Yeah, no problem.
253
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,640
(SHOP BELL TINKLES)
254
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,80
(DOOR SQUEAKS)
255
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:02,600
I'll have them for you
by the end of the day.
256
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:07,680
Can | help you?
257
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,360
Oh, | hope so, Richie.
258
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,120
| hope so.
259
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,840
VAL: That's right -
260
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,480
walk this way. Slowly.
261
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,80
Slowly.
262
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,680
- (FLIES BUZZ)
- Slowly.
263
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,360
AS HARVEY: Where have | been?
264
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,40
So dark. So murky.
265
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,680
You've been a very, very long
way away from us,
266
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,320
but now you're back.
267
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:40,160
The clouds are clearing,
Valerie.
268
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:42,560
(LOUDER)
The clouds are clearing.
269
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,80
(TWINS GASP EXCITEDLY)
270
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,800
But what...is this mess?
271
00:12:49,40 --> 00:12:51,400
Things have just got a little
out of hand, that's all.
272
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,40
A Toilet Duck?!
273
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,240
| thought I'd banned
such things from here.
274
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:57,720
This item trivialises
the importance
275
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,160
of water-closet care.
276
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,680
Who could tolerate
such a jovial approach
277
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,360
to the maintenance
and cleanliness
278
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,280
- of the lavatory pan?
- | know, Harvey,
279
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,640
but it's just So much easier
280
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,160
than using table salt
and a toothbrush.
281
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:11,880
The toilet is no place
for a duck!
282
00:13:12,00 --> 00:13:13,640
Harvey, please, l...
283
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,880
What next in this descent?!
284
00:13:19,00 --> 00:13:20,120
A lavatory brush?
285
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,600
- (BOTH TREMBLE)
- The tool of Satan himself.
286
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,720
But how do we clean the brush?
Put it in the sink?
287
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:26,320
But the sink is used
for washing hands.
288
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,280
Nothing will ever be clean
again!
289
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,680
An endless cycle of foulness
and feculence.
290
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,880
Gloves! | must have gloves!
291
00:13:33,00 --> 00:13:34,160
Raar!
292
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,280
- Look at this mess!
- (ALL TREMBLE)
293
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,920
- Oh, girls.
- Abomination!
294
00:13:38,40 --> 00:13:40,280
- What have we done?
- A spoon in the knife drawer!
295
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:43,760
(LAUGHS) Hey, Murray,
have you seen these?
296
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,560
They're selling 'em
everywhere.
297
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:52,680
What's going on?
298
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,760
| thought the tide had turned,
the people are on our side?
299
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,720
Someone from County Hall rang.
300
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,800
Seems the reason
for this boundary change
301
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,320
is because the land's been sold
for fracking.
302
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,800
Is that where they all watch
each other in cars?
303
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,720
No. It's heavy drilling,
304
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,440
and not the kind you mean.
305
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,800
Seems they didn't want
to bother
306
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:13,760
with the rigmarole
of public consultations.
307
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,680
Easier just to
let the town disappear
308
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,40
with a bit of paperwork.
309
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:19,240
But what daft twat signed that?
310
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,00
You did.
311
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,840
(CLEARS THROAT)
312
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,240
(CAMERA WHIRS)
313
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,160
- (THUD)
- (SCREAMS)
314
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,960
MAN: Whatever happened
to man Les McQueen?
315
00:15:11,80 --> 00:15:12,280
Rumours abound.
316
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:13,480
He shot dead by authorities
317
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,960
for inspiring
revolutionary fervour.
318
00:15:16,80 --> 00:15:19,200
He stabbed with poisoned
umbrella like Georgi Markov.
319
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,920
He grow fat and die on toilet
like Elvis -
320
00:15:22,40 --> 00:15:24,480
but public toilet in Todmorden.
321
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,80
Not like Elvis.
322
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,880
WOMAN: (TRANSLATES)
Where is Les McQueen now?
323
00:15:29,00 --> 00:15:32,440
If he were to be found,
he would be world-famous.
324
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,440
Or quite famous
in Herzoslovakia,
325
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,320
which is better than nothing.
326
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,280
REPORTER: Oh, Leslie McQueen.
327
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:44,00
Hey...
328
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,400
So you see, Les...
329
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,80
- (VIDEO STOPS)
- ...the offer's there.
330
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,160
| Know the right people.
331
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,480
Just sign on the line
that is dotted.
332
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,880
It's all so overwhelming,
Mr Slim Tim.
333
00:15:54,00 --> 00:15:56,360
We could get
a top backing band together.
334
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,360
Ray Stiles from Mud - | used
to know his driving instructor.
335
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:00,760
And then there's...
336
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,560
Oh, no. Yewtree.
337
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:04,960
Les.
Les, this is all about you.
338
00:16:05,80 --> 00:16:06,840
Forget the others,
forget the band.
339
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,240
- This is Les McGann.
- McQueen.
340
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,280
McQueen! The hero returns.
341
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:14,80
All your troubles
taken care of.
342
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,80
All your dreams come true.
343
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:17,200
You've seen the news.
344
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,400
This town is going down the pan
anyway, probably.
345
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:20,960
Oh, yeah, yeah.
346
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:26,920
You know what?
347
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,240
On reflection, I...
348
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:31,720
...1 don't think so, Mr Slim.
349
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,00
It is a shit business.
350
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,320
The thing about polishing -
351
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:40,720
you know where you stand.
352
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,560
O-On a floor.
353
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:44,760
A polished floor.
354
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,800
It's dependable -
355
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:48,480
not a fantasy.
356
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,80
| mean, they do get slippy,
357
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,600
and you must never put a rug
on them afterwards, but...
358
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:55,680
...It's solid.
359
00:16:57,840 --> 00:16:59,480
Thanks all the same.
360
00:17:01,00 --> 00:17:02,720
(SIGHS)
361
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:04,560
Well, if you're sure.
362
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:08,880
I'll see meself out.
363
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:14,40
- On your knees, Richie!
- (WAILS)
364
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,960
On your knees!
365
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:20,120
When | had to go away
on my little holiday,
366
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:23,200
what was the business
| entrust to you?
367
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,760
- Key cutting.
- What's that?
368
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,160
Key-cutting business.
369
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,800
That's right.
Key-cutting business!
370
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,560
A key-cutter cuts keys.
371
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,80
Maybe - just maybe -
372
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,400
he repairs shoes as well.
373
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:41,120
But when he starts dealing
in tankards,
374
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,440
in trophies, in cake slices...
375
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,640
Why not sell anything, huh?!
376
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:48,880
Why not sell big cr-r-raps
in boxes?
377
00:17:49,00 --> 00:17:50,200
It was just an idea.
378
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,00
An idea that make me bankrupt!
379
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,560
(YELLS)
380
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,440
Well, Pop has ideas too,
you know.
381
00:18:00,80 --> 00:18:02,00
You do me in the ass,
382
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:03,960
| do you in the ass.
383
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:07,520
We're going to see
384
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,680
how many piri-piri olives
can fit
385
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,360
In one man's shit pipe.
386
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,00
Your shit pipe.
387
00:18:18,40 --> 00:18:19,680
And we're not going to stop
388
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,520
until the whole stinking jar
is empty.
389
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,400
(LAUGHS)
390
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:27,800
(SQUELCH)
391
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:30,840
Oh!
392
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,160
But you'd better leave
some room
393
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:33,840
up there for dessert, Richie.
394
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:37,240
- Not...
- Yes.
395
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,840
Nine Maverick bars.
396
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,720
But, Pop, they don't do
Mavericks any more.
397
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:42,960
Is OK.
398
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,200
| brought Picnics.
399
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,120
(LAUGHS)
400
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:50,200
(WAILS)
401
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,400
(CROWD SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
402
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,440
(CHEERING)
403
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,320
REPORTER: Really extraordinary
scenes here, Jon.
404
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,40
We've just heard
that the Prime Minister
405
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:10,200
has reversed the decision
to alter the boundary lines.
406
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,520
This means that the town
of Royston Vasey has
407
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,520
essentially been saved
by this couple,
408
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:15,920
and they're just coming out
now.
409
00:19:16,40 --> 00:19:17,560
Mr and Mrs Tattsyrup, BBC News.
410
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:20,80
Um, you must be delighted
with this decision.
411
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,120
Well, absolutely.
412
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,680
This is a victory
for common sense.
413
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:26,520
Our father raised us
to stand up
414
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,80
to the schoolyard bully, and
that's what we've done here.
415
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,240
(CHEERING)
416
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:32,800
And, Mrs Tattsyrup,
you've really managed
417
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,760
to put Royston Vasey
on the map.
418
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:36,40
Map!
419
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:38,600
Yes. And...and your actions
have inspired
420
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,80
a lot of people here, so do you
have a message for them?
421
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,720
I'd like to thank the Academy
422
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,120
and everyone who voted for me.
423
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:47,400
Where's the bedroom?
424
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,520
REPORTER: Now,
there has been some criticism
425
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,520
over your taking of hostages
to get your message through
426
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,560
to the government.
How would you respond to that?
427
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:56,440
EDWARD: Well,
| used to be in a war...
428
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,520
Lindsey? Can you hear me?
429
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:02,560
And one thing you learn is that
the end justifies the means.
430
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:07,680
You can't make an omelette
without breaking a few eggs.
431
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,480
(BOTH WHIMPER)
432
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,120
REPORTER: Uh-huh?
And what do you mean by that?
433
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,80
We didn't cut their faces off!
434
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:18,800
- What?
- Eh?
435
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,520
Oh, Christ...
436
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,480
EDWARD:
Strangers are not welcome here!
437
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:26,720
(CHEERING)
438
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,360
This is a local town
for local people!
439
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:30,520
(CHEERING)
440
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,880
A local country
for local people!
441
00:20:33,00 --> 00:20:34,160
(CHEERING)
442
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:37,400
And the will of local people
will prevail!
443
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:39,480
- (CHEERING)
- Stop them!
444
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,800
Don't let them get away!
445
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,520
Th-Thank you.
We must leave now.
446
00:20:47,00 --> 00:20:49,640
ls there any way
you can get me on Strictly?
447
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:50,840
(CHANTING)
448
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,800
Guards! Stop them! Stop them!
449
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,440
Guards! Stop them!
450
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,200
(TUBBS WHIMPERS)
451
00:21:03,80 --> 00:21:04,920
(GROWLS)
452
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:09,400
Let that be a lesson to you.
453
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:15,280
You ruin everything you touch
with your high-minded dreams.
454
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,160
Your head always in the clouds.
455
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,480
A fairy
who loves fairy stories.
456
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,160
(TREMBLES) Yes, Pop.
457
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,800
I've been away,
but now I'm back.
458
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,00
Back in your life for ever.
459
00:21:31,80 --> 00:21:32,760
You see, Pop is supreme,
460
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:34,800
Pop is invincible!
461
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:37,200
- Pop can do anything.
- (SHOP BELL TINKLES)
462
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,40
PATRICIA: Is that right?
463
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,800
Oh, look!
464
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:45,120
Your Mary-queen brother
has come to your rescue
465
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:46,800
with his little dolly wife.
466
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,160
If you're such a big man,
467
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:52,120
why do you need to do this
to them?
468
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,320
You're no man.
469
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,520
- You're nothing.
- Nothing?
470
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,880
A man who once ate a live cat
with chips.
471
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,840
A man who once twist
another man's head off
472
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:07,520
round the back of Halfords.
473
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,560
A man who could kill you
like that!
474
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:14,760
| bet you couldn't fit
inside this jar.
475
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,440
What?!
476
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,560
You said you could do anything.
Prove it.
477
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:21,680
| don't have to prove myself
to you.
478
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,00
- So you can't?
- You dare doubt?
479
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:26,280
If I'm going to die,
| can dare anything.
480
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,160
And | say it's impossible.
481
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:29,320
Impossible?
482
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:32,280
- | don't believe you.
- Take care.
483
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:33,840
- | never shall.
- Never?
484
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,680
Nothing could make me.
485
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:38,40
Unless | see it
with my own eyes.
486
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,800
Then, whore of an unbeliever,
before you die,
487
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:46,240
you shall see that, for Pop,
nothing is impossible!
488
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:48,880
You shall see and believe!
489
00:22:49,00 --> 00:22:51,40
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
490
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,640
(LAUGHTER ECHOES)
491
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:12,00
POP: No, Richie, no!
Not another thousand years!
492
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:14,520
- | got you! | got you!
- (THUMP)
493
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:16,560
- | got you!
- (THUMP)
494
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:18,840
| got you! | got you!
495
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,240
| got you! | got you!
496
00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:22,360
| got you!
497
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,00
| got you!
498
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,640
(SHOP BELL TINKLES)
499
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,560
(BREATHES RAGGEDLY)
500
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,880
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS)
501
00:23:53,00 --> 00:23:54,360
This can't go on, girls.
502
00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:56,720
We must somehow get Benjamin
back.
503
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,280
Break the spell.
504
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:01,80
Benjamin? Why Benjamin?!
505
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,00
That agent of misrule.
506
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:04,840
That imp of the perverse.
507
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:08,880
His name will not be mentioned
in this house!
508
00:24:09,00 --> 00:24:10,600
- (CLICK)
- (WHIRRING STOPS)
509
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,160
Who let Benjamin in?!
510
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:18,120
This boy!
But now he is a man?
511
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:21,280
His hands are...
512
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:23,80
..are my hands.
513
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:24,600
What is this?
514
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:27,80
I'm speaking to Benjamin now.
515
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:28,840
Somewhere inside this.
516
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,720
You must fight it.
517
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,840
- Fight it!
- Where have these hands been?
518
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:36,720
Even now | can feel them
constricted by a sock.
519
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:38,440
A sock placed over a fist -
520
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:40,680
itself placed
over a male member,
521
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,720
excited to the point of making
tummy pancakes,
522
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:46,00
but into said sock.
523
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:47,400
And...
524
00:24:49,00 --> 00:24:50,760
...they are my hands!
525
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,40
Expel him, Benjamin!
526
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:56,360
End this folly!
527
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:59,200
- (BOTH GASP)
- (YELLS)
528
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:02,400
(YELLS)
529
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:04,120
(RETCHES)
530
00:25:13,00 --> 00:25:14,480
(CROAKS)
531
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,120
(BEN PANTS)
532
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,440
What just happened?
533
00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:31,80
(BOTH GASP)
534
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,00
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
535
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:38,520
(DISTANT SIREN)
536
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,200
Look, Edward,
we need to follow blue-dot!
537
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:45,960
Uh-huh.
538
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:48,360
Oh, Murray...
539
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:51,400
...what have | done?
540
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,520
Turned our town
into a nameless piece of land
541
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:56,200
that can be drilled through
like a rotten tooth.
542
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,320
| thought they were
just laying some cable
543
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:00,520
and we'd finally be getting
broadband.
544
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,720
| didn't know
it would come to this.
545
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:06,40
Well,
| hope they paid you well,
546
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:07,840
whoever they are.
547
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,00
He didn't pay me a penny.
548
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:12,760
Why did you do it, then?
549
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:15,880
| had no choice.
550
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:18,760
He made me.
551
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:24,920
(TUBBS PANTS)
552
00:26:25,40 --> 00:26:26,400
Argh!
553
00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:28,00
Oh! A stitch!
554
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:31,440
(BOTH GASP)
555
00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:35,680
Oh! Quickly, Tubbs, in here.
556
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,320
Do we need a pissport
to go to London?
557
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:42,720
Quiet!
558
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:44,200
(CAMERA WHIRS)
559
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:46,520
- (THUD)
- (TUBBS YELLS)
560
00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:56,920
All clear, Tubbs.
561
00:27:03,40 --> 00:27:04,760
Oh...
562
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:09,760
Tubbs?
563
00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:13,800
Tubbs!
564
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:15,400
(GASPS)
565
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,680
- (DISTANT CRYING)
- (WHIMPERS)
566
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:21,600
(SQUEALS)
567
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:23,320
(WHIMPERS)
568
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:26,120
- (GASPS)
- (CHILD CRIES)
569
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:28,760
Where am |?
570
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,680
Is this Swansea?
571
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:37,840
(ALL YELL)
572
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:43,840
(WHIMPERS)
573
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:46,520
Who are you?
574
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:48,920
What is this place?
575
00:27:52,00 --> 00:27:54,800
It's a wife mine now.
576
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:57,00
(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
577
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:00,00
(ALL WHIMPER)
578
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:03,880
Please! Please!
579
00:28:04,00 --> 00:28:05,560
Please!
580
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:08,280
Someone!
581
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:10,800
(PAPA LAZAROU LAUGHS)
582
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:14,200
(ELECTRIC SCREWDRIVER WHIRS)
583
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:20,960
Oh, sorry, mate.
584
00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,80
- Excuse me.
- All right, mate?
585
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,920
Does this train stop
at the airport?
586
00:28:27,40 --> 00:28:28,280
| need to catch a flight...
587
00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:30,800
...to Herzoslovakia.
588
00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:41,480
Well...
589
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:43,280
... goodbye, Benjamin.
590
00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:45,280
We shall miss you.
591
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:46,840
592
00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:48,840
...| hope you can forgive us.
593
00:28:50,00 --> 00:28:52,40
Of course.
594
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:54,280
But, you know, Auntie Val,
sometimes...
595
00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:58,240
...you can't go back.
596
00:28:58,360 --> 00:28:59,760
| Know.
597
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:02,280
| Know.
598
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:05,320
But you can visit.
599
00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:08,120
Yes.
600
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:09,800
You can visit.
37896
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