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1
00:00:01,80 --> 00:00:02,520
Apparently,
2
00:00:02,640 --> 00:00:04,600
the county are moving
the boundary line
3
00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:05,920
to exclude Royston Vasey.
4
00:00:06,40 --> 00:00:07,520
- BOTH: Hello, Benjamin.
- Oh, God.
5
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:09,280
I'd forgotten.
6
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,400
| want you to kill Cheryl
for me.
7
00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:12,640
When do you need it done by?
8
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:14,640
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
9
00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:18,560
You heard the woman, Tubbs.
10
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:20,240
Get undressed.
11
00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,440
(APPLAUSE)
12
00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:27,480
And the award for
the Best New Play goes to...
13
00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:29,760
... Oliver Plimsolls
14
00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:32,840
for Harry Spotter And
The Prisoner Of Acne Scar.
15
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,320
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
16
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:43,640
Thank you. Thanks.
17
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:48,720
Issue-based children's theatre
has for too long
18
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,280
been the fat, gay,
red-headed stepchild
19
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,200
of the West End family,
20
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:54,720
which is an issue | explored
in my previous play,
21
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,640
Moobs, Lube And Ginger Pubes,
22
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,440
nominated for this award
last year. Didn't win. Fine.
23
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,960
Doesn't stop it being an issue.
Who am | going to thank?
24
00:01:01,80 --> 00:01:03,880
Well, I'd like to thank me,
25 years ago,
25
00:01:04,00 --> 00:01:06,240
for creating
Legz Akimbo Theatre Company.
26
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:07,760
And | want to thank
all the actors
27
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:08,960
that came and went
along the way
28
00:01:09,80 --> 00:01:10,280
and used me
as a stepping stone.
29
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:11,400
- Ollie...
- You taught me
30
00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,280
that | couldn't rely on
or trust anyone,
31
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:14,320
and if | wanted to be
32
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,400
an award-winning writer,
director, actor, producer...
33
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:17,640
- Ollie...
- Let me speak! ...then | had
34
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:19,600
to do it for myself,
which is what | have done!
35
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:20,920
- (BELL RINGS)
- Ollie,
36
00:01:21,40 --> 00:01:23,80
you've got your Year Qs -
they're in the hall.
37
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,120
Sorry.
38
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:28,40
Thanks, Carol.
39
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,600
(OVER LOUDSPEAKER)
Save Royston Vasey!
40
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,520
Our town is under threat.
41
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:43,480
Come to the council meeting
at two o'clock this afternoon.
42
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:47,400
Free hot water.
Teabags can be purchased.
43
00:01:55,40 --> 00:01:58,320
Keep Royston Vasey on the map,
44
00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,880
or burn in hell
for all eternity!
45
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,560
Your town needs you.
46
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,680
| need you!
47
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:14,360
(CAT MEOWS)
48
00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:17,400
(ENGINE RUMBLES)
49
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:20,720
(CAT SCREECHES)
50
00:02:38,40 --> 00:02:41,00
It's time to stand up
and be counted!
51
00:02:42,40 --> 00:02:43,160
(CASUALLY) Actually, forget it.
52
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:44,880
It's only council scum
round here. Drive on.
53
00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:49,600
(WHIMPERING)
54
00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:52,960
For many years we ran a shop
much like this one,
55
00:02:53,80 --> 00:02:54,520
up on the moors,
56
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:57,200
serving the needs
of the local community.
57
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,720
Then people like you
came along.
58
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:03,840
Upright pigs, teats down, six.
59
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,840
Our shop was destroyed.
60
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,240
We were driven into the wild,
61
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:09,880
walking the fields
and hedgerows
62
00:03:10,00 --> 00:03:12,120
like beasts of burden.
63
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,320
- We narrowly escaped death...
- (RIP!)
64
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:17,280
...when a locomotive train
missed us by inches.
65
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:23,520
And all in the name
of progress.
66
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:27,680
Well, history
will not be repeated.
67
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:30,720
(BOTH WHIMPER)
68
00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:32,720
(LAUGHS)
69
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:40,880
- | want him out, Al.
- | know, love.
70
00:03:41,00 --> 00:03:42,80
Out!
71
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,400
Ah!
72
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,120
That is when | fought off
73
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,280
all the Somali pirates
single-handed.
74
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,320
They were like savages.
Troglodytes!
75
00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:51,40
Really?
76
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:56,80
Somehow | managed to scramble
my way to a desert island.
77
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,40
There | make
a good life for myself,
78
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,160
like the animals
in Madagascar.
79
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,640
But | miss you all very much.
80
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,40
Very much indeed. (GROANS)
81
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:10,40
(SNIFFS) And | understand
82
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,720
why my boy Al
tell everyone | am dead.
83
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,240
Is too much for him
to have hope in his heart.
84
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:18,880
He always soppy.
More like a girl than a boy.
85
00:04:19,00 --> 00:04:21,360
You know, he used to wear
tiny little pants.
86
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,00
Pop...
87
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:25,480
| offer him my old long johns,
underwear for a man,
88
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,800
but no, he say, "| want to wear
little tiny briefs
89
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,80
"like the other boys."
90
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,400
Like little knickers.
91
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:33,120
So, how long are you staying?
92
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:38,560
Just a few days or months,
until | am back on my feet.
93
00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:41,200
And how nice it will be!
94
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,40
My son has
two beautiful daughters.
95
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:45,120
(CHUCKLES)
96
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,960
Grandpop has been away
for too long.
97
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,00
You look very well, Grandpop.
98
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:53,160
You'd think you'd lose weight
on a desert island.
99
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:55,960
Hey, there was
a lot of coconuts.
100
00:04:57,80 --> 00:04:58,440
(CHUCKLES) Cheers.
101
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,200
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Hello?
102
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,480
- Yeah, Geoff, it's me.
- Who?
103
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:12,360
| don't know how to put names
in me phone.
104
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,720
Mike!
105
00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:15,560
Are you all set up for tonight?
106
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,520
What about?
107
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:18,920
What we said! Cheryl!
108
00:05:19,40 --> 00:05:21,720
Yes, I'm dealing with it,
don't worry.
109
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,480
I'm a professional.
110
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:24,960
| was in the SAS for six years.
111
00:05:25,80 --> 00:05:26,840
- What, you mean the TAs?
- It's the same thing.
112
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,560
It's all just putting green
on your face, innit?
113
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:30,840
You will do it...
114
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,120
... hUManely, won't you?
115
00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:35,680
Of course!
116
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,80
Now, will you let me
get on with it, please?
117
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:38,400
I'd appreciate a bit of trust.
118
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,840
Excuse me. Would this kill
a fat woman tonight?
119
00:05:51,40 --> 00:05:53,760
- How are we doing? All right?
- All right.
120
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:55,720
Who wants to win
a bit of money?
121
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,760
(GRUNTS)
122
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:05,40
Right, you all got
your dabbers?
123
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,320
Eyes down for a full house.
124
00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:13,600
- (BINGO MACHINE ZAPS)
- Key of the door - 21.
125
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,920
Gandhi's breakfast - 80.
126
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,80
Two fat ladies - 88.
127
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,280
My friend Cream
wouldn't approve of that.
128
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,760
Funny name, | Know.
He were a Thai lad.
129
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,560
He said | were...
130
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,840
What do you call it?
...unreconstructed.
131
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,240
Set in me ways.
| said, "Of course | am!
132
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:33,880
"70-odd with an angry prostate
133
00:06:34,00 --> 00:06:36,440
"and me waterworks shot -
what do you expect?"
134
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,760
- (ZAP!)
- Out in the sticks - 86.
135
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:45,680
Duck and dive - 25.
136
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:49,440
Udon Thani.
That's where we met. Thailand.
137
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:52,00
Sweltering, it were,
like Tenko.
138
00:06:53,80 --> 00:06:55,160
I'd not, um...
139
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:57,600
Never had anyone close, like.
140
00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,520
Not properly.
141
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,200
(ZAP!)
142
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,320
Never been kissed - 26.
143
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,480
Had a bit of money, though,
after Dad went,
144
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,520
so | thought, "Why not?"
145
00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:10,240
You hear about these fellas,
don't you?
146
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:13,320
Going out to foreign climes,
coming back with...
147
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,80
- (ZAP!)
- Dirty Gertie - number 30!
148
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,160
| suppose I've always known
149
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,80
| fancied
something a bit different.
150
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:24,160
A bit extra. A bit, uh...
151
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:26,960
- (ZAP!)
- Danny La Rue - 52.
152
00:07:28,80 --> 00:07:32,80
There were a bar -
Naki-Naki-Nak-Naks.
153
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:35,480
All coloured light bulbs,
like Peasholm Park,
154
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,360
but without
the miniature sea battles.
155
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:40,640
All these lads
done up as lasses.
156
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,40
Amazing.
Really quite beautiful.
157
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:45,80
Titties with tassels
and everything.
158
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:47,560
Some of them doing things
159
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:49,600
what it's not nice
to talk about.
160
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,280
Cracking open beer bottles
with their whatsits.
161
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:56,960
The ones that,
you know, had the op.
162
00:07:57,80 --> 00:07:59,520
Firing ping-pong balls,
some of them.
163
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,280
Reminded me
of the old bingo balls,
164
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:03,760
In a funny way, but...
165
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,160
...| Kept me eyes down.
166
00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:12,920
And suddenly, there he is.
167
00:08:13,40 --> 00:08:14,360
Cream.
168
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:15,560
(ZAP!)
169
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,240
Me and you - number 2.
170
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,760
- (ZAP!)
- Cup of tea - number 3.
171
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,00
| didn't think
he were that bothered,
172
00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,600
but when | got back
to me hotel room...
173
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,320
- (ZAP!)
- Knock at the door - 24!
174
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,80
...turns out
he'd followed me back.
175
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:33,480
Cream.
176
00:08:35,40 --> 00:08:36,400
(ZAP!)
177
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:37,880
Legs - 11.
178
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,920
Legs...11.
179
00:08:44,00 --> 00:08:45,320
Next morning...
180
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,280
- (ZAP!)
- Rise and shine - 29!
181
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:51,560
...l asked him to come back,
to live with me, back here.
182
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:53,280
And he said yes.
183
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,760
And you know what? For a bit...
184
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,760
- (ZAP!)
- Tickety-boo - 62.
185
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,00
Man alive - number 5.
186
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:08,240
Then one day Cream said
he wanted to go the whole hog.
187
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:12,480
You know, have it off -
his whatsit.
188
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,00
(ZAP!)
189
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,80
Doctor's orders - number 9.
190
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:22,120
He wanted to be what he called
"a proper wife" to me.
191
00:09:24,40 --> 00:09:25,440
So, in he went.
192
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,520
Then he took bad.
193
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,760
| don't see why they can't
keep hospitals clean.
194
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,520
Never used to be a problem.
195
00:09:38,40 --> 00:09:41,720
My Auntie Sheila was feared
like Himmler on her ward.
196
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,40
Suddenly, one afternoon...
197
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:47,440
(ZAP!)
198
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:49,240
Heaven's gate...
199
00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:51,680
18.
200
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:57,960
On its own...
201
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:02,640
On its own...
202
00:10:04,00 --> 00:10:05,760
...number one.
203
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,440
(ZAP!)
204
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,240
(PUPILS CHATTER)
205
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,320
OK, Year 9, settle down.
206
00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:21,640
Now, today we are going to be
looking at commedia dell'arte,
207
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:24,120
so | want everyone
to find a partner.
208
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,520
Sir, didn't you used to be
an actor?
209
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,80
- What's that, Jamilla?
- Before you were a teacher,
210
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,320
| swear you used to have
a theatre company or something?
211
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,200
Er, yeah.
212
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,200
Back in the mists of time,
| did.
213
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,640
There were three of us -
me, Dave, Phil...
214
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:39,680
Phil Proctor?!
215
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,680
Uh, yes,
Phil Proctor off the telly.
216
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,560
We used to visit schools
like this
217
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:45,360
and meet kids like you,
218
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:49,280
and perform issue-based plays
on stages like this.
219
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,40
(PUPILS CHEER)
220
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,00
What's going on?
221
00:10:58,120 --> 00:10:59,80
Ask this lot.
222
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,880
| got a fan letter
from one of your students
223
00:11:01,00 --> 00:11:02,360
saying that
their favourite teacher
224
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:03,960
was about to retire,
225
00:11:04,80 --> 00:11:05,720
could we come and do
a special performance?
226
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,600
So, here we are!
227
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:08,720
Go on, sir!
228
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,840
- What?
- We want to see you acting!
229
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,840
PUPILS: Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!
230
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,400
Come on.
231
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,200
Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!
232
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:19,640
Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!
233
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,280
Sod it.
234
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,640
(CHEERING AND WHOOPING)
235
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:26,200
So, what are we going to do?
236
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,80
Well, we thought we'd do
one of your best, Ollie.
237
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:31,40
Perve Swerve - a play
about stranger-danger.
238
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:33,360
Oh, but it's been so long.
| need time to prepare!
239
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:34,600
I'm ready.
240
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,440
(CHEERING)
241
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,560
Soon you'll be free,
death will end.
242
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:43,880
We'll pull you back through
the great U-bend.
243
00:11:44,00 --> 00:11:46,560
The dead can't hoover,
can't sweep a brush.
244
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:49,360
Or refill a cistern
with bright-blue flush.
245
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,800
(CROAKING)
246
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,80
What...?
247
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,80
What am | doing down here?
Why...?
248
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:58,80
Why am | so sleepy?
249
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,120
The cake you ate last night
250
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,520
was laced with an extract
from the skin of this toad.
251
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,880
SISTERS: Bufo alvarius.
252
00:12:05,00 --> 00:12:08,40
It has a psychotropic effect.
253
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:09,360
Your consciousness
must be fluid
254
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,680
for what is to follow.
255
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,360
Wha... What do you mean?
256
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:20,80
Uncle Harvey! But...
257
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:22,240
...1 thought...
258
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,00
... he was dead.
259
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,160
A living death.
260
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,440
Preserved at the point
of the soul's departure.
261
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:33,00
His every bodily fluid replaced
with an embalming tincture
262
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,600
of his own devising.
263
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,320
| can't tell you
how happy he was,
264
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,560
knowing that he was
finally going to be free
265
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,600
of the curse of his own semen.
266
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:43,760
But why?
267
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,440
SISTERS:
His body might have failed,
268
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:46,840
but he need not.
269
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:52,00
We need only a host, Benjamin,
and Harvey's soul can live on.
270
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:54,440
A host?
271
00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:55,920
A willing vessel.
272
00:12:56,40 --> 00:12:58,160
- A member of the family.
- An ancient ceremony.
273
00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:01,80
The girls do love their books.
274
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:10,680
What... What are they doing?
275
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:18,480
No! No! Ah! Ah!
276
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:19,840
Let us begin.
277
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:23,960
(GAGS)
278
00:13:24,80 --> 00:13:27,400
(CHOKES)
279
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,480
MURRAY: Now, tensions
are going to be running high,
280
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,440
so it's important
to strike the right tone.
281
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,400
Don't teach your grandmother
how to suck cocks, Murray.
282
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:39,800
I'm very good with big crowds.
283
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,120
On Black Friday, | elbowed
this lass in the throat,
284
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,00
got myself a 50-inch Samsung.
285
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:45,800
This town's future
hangs in the balance.
286
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,680
There's nothing people
care more passionately about
287
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,40
than their own community.
288
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,320
You were saying?
289
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,560
Well...come on!
290
00:14:07,40 --> 00:14:09,480
Oh... Oh!
291
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,40
Map.
292
00:14:14,80 --> 00:14:16,520
(GASPS)
293
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:18,960
(GIGGLES)
294
00:14:19,80 --> 00:14:20,360
Oh!
295
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,680
Ooh!
296
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:26,920
Um...
297
00:14:27,40 --> 00:14:28,80
(GASPS)
298
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:31,240
What are you doing?!
Come out of there!
299
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,520
If my husband sees you, I...
300
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:38,560
(SCREAMS)
301
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:41,240
Edward, Edward!
302
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,840
I've been catched
in the tephelome!
303
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,320
Let me out!
304
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:50,320
Look, Edward!
305
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,800
Quiet, Tubbs! I'm teaching
the no-tails a lesson.
306
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,560
Our business is our business.
307
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,760
We keep our noses
out of other people's affairs.
308
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,720
We would invite you
to extend us the same courtesy!
309
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:06,600
(WHIMPERS)
310
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,00
Time to become local. (CACKLES)
311
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:11,520
Jesus.
Where did you get this from?
312
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:13,160
That's better!
313
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:14,880
One of the hostages
works for the Chronicle.
314
00:15:15,00 --> 00:15:16,80
It came from her phone.
315
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,640
We will not be defeated
by your petty meddling.
316
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,640
This is a local shop
for local people!
317
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:26,240
It's time we took back control!
318
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:27,880
Then I'm making
an executive decision.
319
00:15:28,00 --> 00:15:29,840
We need to get a crew
down there now.
320
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,120
What are you doing?
Turn that off!
321
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:36,40
(CHEERING)
322
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:37,800
(DJ SCRATCHING)
323
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:40,280
# Hi, my name is Johnny Smith
324
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,880
# I'm just 14
and I'm strutting my stuff
325
00:15:43,00 --> 00:15:45,640
# | like to rap
| don't like school
326
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:48,160
# Too many teachers
Too many rules
327
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,400
# My dad and mum say
328
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:50,720
# Stay out of the park!
329
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:53,120
# Especially at night
when it's getting dark
330
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,520
# But | don't care
Respect | lack
331
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:58,00
# It's light anyway
cos the clocks have gone back
332
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:00,720
# I'll ignore their warning
cos that's my style
333
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,120
# I've never even heard of a...
334
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,00
# Paedophile! #
335
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,200
Step over it. Right...
336
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:18,680
(GROANS) Double maths today.
Boring! What's that noise?
337
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,920
Ere, little boy.
338
00:16:21,40 --> 00:16:23,840
Why don't you come back
to my house?
339
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,320
| got the latest
PlayStation game all set up.
340
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:29,80
Cool! You got a spare joystick?
341
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,560
Yes. And you can play with it.
342
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:35,80
Hmm. I'm not sure.
Mum said not to.
343
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:36,760
Oh, choices, choices.
344
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:37,800
(CHUCKLES)
345
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,400
| feel like I'm on
some sort of TV game show!
346
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,240
(TV GAME SHOW MUSIC)
347
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:43,400
Hi, there!
348
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:46,600
Hi, there!
My name's Cheesy Host,
349
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:49,320
and welcome to another edition
of Safe Choices.
350
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,400
Johnny Smith,
your time starts now.
351
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,40
(QUIETLY) Over there.
352
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:54,160
(TICKING)
353
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:55,400
Question one -
354
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,960
do you know the man
you are about to go off with?
355
00:16:57,80 --> 00:16:58,560
- No.
- Correct.
356
00:16:58,680 --> 00:16:59,880
Does he have
any identification,
357
00:17:00,00 --> 00:17:00,920
such as a current utility bill?
358
00:17:01,40 --> 00:17:01,960
- No!
- Correct.
359
00:17:02,80 --> 00:17:03,00
Is he wearing nice shoes
360
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:04,80
or other signs
he isn't a deviant?
361
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,120
- No!
- Correct.
362
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:06,160
And here's
your big-money choice.
363
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:07,200
Take your time.
364
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:08,720
Do you want to go off
with the stranger,
365
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,520
or stay safe in the studio?
It's up to you.
366
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,320
I'll stay safe, innit?
367
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:16,880
Is the correct answer!
What's he won, Susie?
368
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:21,480
He's won a lifetime's supply
of common sense!
369
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,200
Would you like to come back
to my dressing room
370
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,400
and I'll give you an autograph?
371
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,760
- Yes, please!
- Stop!
372
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,760
Just because he's well dressed
and plausible
373
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,560
doesn't mean to say he isn't
a dangerous predator also.
374
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,400
Come with me, son,
I'll take you home.
375
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:35,520
Thanks, Dad.
376
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,640
I'll try and make
better choices in future.
377
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:38,840
Stop!
378
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,160
Didn't you know that 75%
of all sexual predators
379
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:42,600
are family members?
380
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,00
Oh, no! Rewind!
381
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,640
(ALL MIMIC REWINDING TAPE)
382
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,400
# | won't go with the man
in the dirty mack
383
00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:54,960
# Or the man in the suit
with his hair slicked back
384
00:17:55,80 --> 00:17:57,120
# Put a lock on your door
so your dad can't get in
385
00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:58,560
# Is your grandad
coming round?
386
00:17:58,680 --> 00:17:59,920
# | wouldn't trust him
387
00:18:00,40 --> 00:18:02,120
# If you wanna stay safe
and have a bright future
388
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,40
# Make friends in a chatroom
on a computer. #
389
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,440
ALL: Boom!
390
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,160
(CHEERING)
391
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,720
PUPILS: Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!
Sir! Sir! Sir!
392
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,80
God, I've missed this.
393
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,240
Why don't we get back
on the road again?
394
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:18,800
Reform Legz Akimbo?
395
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:20,920
- What do you mean?
- Think about it.
396
00:18:21,40 --> 00:18:23,200
There are so many new issues
to do plays about now.
397
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,00
Exactly! And I've never stopped
writing them!
398
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,160
Suck It And See -
a play about revenge porn.
399
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,40
Slit Face -
a play about burgas.
400
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:30,920
It's all there,
ready to roll out. It's what
401
00:18:31,40 --> 00:18:32,160
- I've been waiting for!
- Ollie...
402
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:33,640
All these years,
wasted in this dead-end job.
403
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:34,960
- Ollie...
- It's like I've finally
404
00:18:35,80 --> 00:18:36,120
woken up!
405
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:39,160
Oh, hang on.
406
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:40,760
This is still a dream,
isn't it?
407
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,120
Ollie!
408
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:49,160
Oh, no.
409
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:50,520
- Ollie!
- (BELL RINGS)
410
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,240
You've got your Year Qs.
They're in the hall.
411
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:53,840
Sorry.
412
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,560
Thanks, Carol.
413
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:01,520
(PUPILS CHATTER)
414
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,80
OK, Year 9, settle down!
415
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,640
Fuck off, you sad wanker!
416
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:26,640
Great.
417
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,160
(GRUNTS)
418
00:20:03,00 --> 00:20:05,360
- All right, Geoff?
- All right?
419
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:06,840
See you down t'Palatine later?
420
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,320
Yeah, maybe.
421
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,40
Fuck's sake.
422
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:18,800
Ooh!
423
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,920
Hey?
424
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:28,960
The matter with it?
425
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:37,360
(KNOCK AT WINDOW)
426
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:38,480
- Geoff!
- Shit!
427
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:41,760
Were just wondering
if you want me
428
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,440
to get you that pint in?
429
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:47,760
- Nah, you're all right, Eddie.
- Sure?
430
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,400
- Yeah.
- See you later, then.
431
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,00
See you later.
432
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,960
(DOOR CREAKS)
433
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:33,200
(WHISPERS)
You want WD-40 on that.
434
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,600
So, when did you
get released, then, Pop?
435
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,240
| get time off
for good behaviour.
436
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:49,920
21 years. Ridiculous!
For a lousy pyramid scheme.
437
00:22:50,40 --> 00:22:51,800
You killed a man
with your bare hands.
438
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,280
Yeah - for not paying
what he owed
439
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,640
under the pyramid scheme.
440
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:56,720
(SIGHS) What do you want here?
441
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:03,80
| need you to tell me
where Richie is.
442
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,360
- No.
- | know what he is doing.
443
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,360
It was 15 years ago.
Let it go, Pop.
444
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,440
He is still my son!
445
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:12,320
| won't do it!
446
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:15,120
- Goodnight, Grandpop.
- Goodnight, Grandpop.
447
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:16,920
Hey, girls, | almost forgot.
448
00:23:17,40 --> 00:23:19,960
| got presents
for the both of yous, eh?
449
00:23:20,80 --> 00:23:22,400
(CHUCKLES)
450
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,80
And for you, Maisy...
451
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:26,760
See?
452
00:23:28,40 --> 00:23:29,640
Beautiful!
453
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:32,440
Perhaps tomorrow
you would like me
454
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,920
to take you swimming, eh?
455
00:23:35,40 --> 00:23:38,320
Unless of course your daddy
has other plans for me?
456
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:44,880
Good.
457
00:23:45,00 --> 00:23:47,440
Come inside, it's cold.
458
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,160
Who wants to get
some piercings done, eh?
459
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:52,400
(CHUCKLES)
Grandpop will pay.
460
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,680
- Are you watching your cats?
- No.
461
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,240
Some nutters have taken
hostages, apparently.
462
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:04,720
The couple
who are holding them
463
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:06,960
are a local couple...
464
00:24:07,80 --> 00:24:09,600
Eh, look at them -
bloody rubberneckers.
465
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,960
Where were they this afternoon
when we needed them?
466
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:14,840
But they're there now, Murray.
467
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:17,280
They're there now.
468
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,200
A gift from God.
469
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:24,440
(PHONE BUZZES)
470
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:26,760
Geoff?
471
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:31,280
The purple mongoose
has vacated its habitat.
472
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:32,400
What?
473
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:36,200
The...hippopotamus is...
474
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:38,880
...dead. She's dead.
I've smothered her.
475
00:24:39,00 --> 00:24:40,600
Oh, God.
476
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:43,760
Did she suffer?
477
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:46,680
Well, as much as anyone does
if they're being murdered.
478
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,160
It wasn't murder!
479
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:50,920
It was a mercy killing.
480
00:24:51,40 --> 00:24:52,760
She had no life.
481
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,240
Yeah, you explained all that.
She won't suffer
482
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:57,240
any more,
and neither will you.
483
00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:58,600
Thank you, Geoff.
484
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:01,280
A-And it will look like
natural causes, yeah?
485
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,160
Uh, no, | left the cushion
stuffed in her mouth!
486
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:04,600
Credit me
with some sense, Mike.
487
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:06,360
I'm not an idiot.
488
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:07,440
Sorry.
489
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:08,520
| have to say, though,
490
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,80
she didn't seem
as big as you made out.
491
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,00
What do you mean?
492
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:13,200
Well, | felt a bit bad.
493
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,480
| mean, she was only
what | would call plump.
494
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,120
She could have easily
got up and down them stairs
495
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:18,200
if she'd wanted to.
496
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:20,560
What stairs?
We live in a bungalow!
497
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,720
- Eh?
- Geof...
498
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,40
...you do know
we moved four years ago?
499
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:32,320
Yeah, you see,
what's happened here is,
500
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,40
I've gone to the wrong house.
501
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:35,680
| sent you an email!
502
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,600
Well, | can't open them, can |?
I've only got Windows 95!
503
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,600
Geoff, what have you done’?!
504
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:44,640
You know who we sold
that house to, don't you?
505
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:46,520
No. Who?
506
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:57,320
Pauline, I'm home!
507
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:16,400
Pauline.
508
00:26:19,40 --> 00:26:20,440
Pauline?
509
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:26,160
Pauline!
510
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:29,440
Pauline!
511
00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:36,120
(WHIMPERS) Pauline!
512
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,400
(SOBS)
513
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,40
(SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE)
514
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,200
The citizens of Royston Vasey
515
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:49,680
do care about their town,
passionately.
516
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,120
And when pushed too far,
517
00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,480
they will resort
to extreme measures,
518
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:55,720
like that film where the girl
couldn't afford Tampax.
519
00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:56,840
What was it, Murray?
520
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,840
- |, Daniel Blake.
- |, Daniel Blake, exactly.
521
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:00,560
Look, Edward!
522
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:03,520
We oppose
these boundary changes
523
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:05,880
and we demand action,
don't we, folks?
524
00:27:06,00 --> 00:27:08,40
ALL: Yeah! Action!
525
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:09,840
(WHISPERS) Fucking sheep.
526
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:11,720
TUBBS: They must have heard
there's a sale on.
527
00:27:19,80 --> 00:27:22,440
- We pass you to him.
- We pass him to you.
528
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:24,800
- We pass you to him.
- We pass him to you.
529
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:26,120
This is madness!
530
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:28,120
Madness!
531
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,360
- We pass you to him.
- We pass him to you.
532
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,240
- We pass you to him.
- We pass him to you.
533
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:33,640
- We pass you to him.
- We pass him to you.
534
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:37,00
No. No!
535
00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:39,00
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
536
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:44,600
(GASPS)
537
00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:46,640
We pass him...
538
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:48,760
(CROAKING)
539
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:52,800
Benjamin?
540
00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:58,400
(GASPS)
541
00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:03,440
(AS HARVEY)
In this house, we don't die.
34615
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