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1
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:26,840
Excuse me, madam...
2
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,160
(PUPPY YELPS)
3
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:55,360
(FRUIT MACHINES BEEP)
4
00:00:58,680 --> 00:00:59,680
(MACHINE BEEPS)
5
00:01:05,80 --> 00:01:07,120
| wondered why you wanted
the housekeeping all in tens!
6
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:08,440
Change machine's broke.
7
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:10,440
Stella, we've got
little enough money as it is
8
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,880
without you pumping half of it
into the Greedy Slits!
9
00:01:13,00 --> 00:01:14,80
A girl needs an 'obby, Charlie.
10
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,680
Gambling's not a hobby!
11
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,200
How many more times?
It's not gambling!
12
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:18,320
| watch these machines.
13
00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:20,200
This one's not given out
for three weeks.
14
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,160
Hmm! It's not the only one.
15
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,400
Look, you've got a counsellor.
Why don't you talk to him?
16
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:25,440
All right!
17
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,120
Sean, if you get two bars
and a Lucky 7,
18
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:28,480
is it better to nudge or hold?
19
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:29,640
Not bothered, not bothered.
20
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:32,800
What do you want to sit in here
all day anyway for? It stinks!
21
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,800
- What's going on?
- Oh, | get it!
22
00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:38,640
Oh, hello, Tony!
23
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,280
What are you doing here?
24
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,680
| work here.
25
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,920
Oh, yeah. So you do.
26
00:01:44,40 --> 00:01:45,40
| thought | told you
27
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:46,960
to stay away from Crystal Tipps
here!
28
00:01:47,80 --> 00:01:48,400
Yeah, like | say, Charlie,
29
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:49,640
a girl needs an ‘obby.
30
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,160
Now, come on, Tony.
31
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,280
Hold me melons while
| try and nudge this bell.
32
00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,160
(MACHINE BEEPS)
33
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,240
(PANPIPE MUSIC)
34
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,840
Just let the music
wash over you.
35
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,320
How's that volume?
36
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:10,800
Fine, thanks.
37
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:12,920
Excellent. This is what
we in the beauty trade
38
00:02:13,40 --> 00:02:15,120
call relaxative music.
39
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:17,960
Actually, you can purchase
the CD in reception
40
00:02:18,80 --> 00:02:19,960
for just £12.99.
41
00:02:20,80 --> 00:02:22,00
- No, thank you.
- Fine.
42
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,40
(MOUTHS)
43
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:28,200
Um, have you ever had a massage
before?
44
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,480
Not for a while, no.
45
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:31,720
Right.
46
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:35,960
JUDEE: (ON TAPE)
Your massage today
47
00:02:36,80 --> 00:02:38,480
is going to be
an invigorating one...
48
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,800
... concentrating on your neck,
arms and upper body.
49
00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:53,800
So the essential oils
I've chosen for you
50
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:57,80
are ylang-ylang,
which Is a pale yellow oil
51
00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,360
with an extremely sweet,
exotic scent,
52
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,120
and bergamot,
which has a fruity aroma
53
00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,160
with a slight balsamic
undertone...
54
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,400
- (BOTH MOUTH)
- ...best before Feb 2004.
55
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:08,760
How are they for you?
56
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,120
Good.
57
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:12,640
Mmm, fine.
58
00:03:14,80 --> 00:03:15,80
Good.
59
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:17,600
I'm going to begin
60
00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:20,240
with some long strokes
down your arms and shoulders,
61
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,440
nice and gently at first.
Just try to relax.
62
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:24,800
WOMAN:
D'you want a brew, love?
63
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:26,320
JUDEE: Mother,
can't you see I'm busy?!
64
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,840
WOMAN: All right,
don't bite me head off!
65
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,640
- (MOUTHS)
- Sorry about that.
66
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:30,840
My cleaner!
67
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,600
- JUDEE: Just try to relax.
- (BOTH MOUTH)
68
00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,320
That's it.
69
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:36,800
(MOUTHS)
70
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:39,960
Let me drain all the tension
from your body.
71
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,400
Oh, that was lovely, thank you.
72
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:49,00
Oh, no, thank you.
Do come and see us again!
73
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:51,640
- Goodbye.
- Bye-bye!
74
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:54,360
Charles!
75
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:55,480
Charles!
76
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,680
Look - a £3 tip!
77
00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:01,00
Bloody hell! | can't believe
we actually got away with it!
78
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:02,40
Oh, you are clever, Charles.
79
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,520
And you learned all this
in the Merchant Navy?
80
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,640
Yeah!
Well, | was always good at it,
81
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,280
but | couldn't open up
a posh place like this.
82
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,320
Who'd come?
83
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:10,520
We're the perfect partnership.
84
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,800
I've got the looks,
you've got the brawn.
85
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:16,200
It's like having your hands
on my body.
86
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:17,480
Imagine how...
87
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,320
...strange and wonderful
that would feel.
88
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,00
I'm a married man,
Mrs Levinson.
89
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,480
Yes, of course.
90
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,200
And | must think of Eddie.
91
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,880
Let's have a toast.
92
00:04:31,00 --> 00:04:32,240
To Spit & Polish!
93
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:33,280
No, no, no.
94
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,00
To Beauty...and the Beast.
95
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,560
- (GLASSES CLINK)
- Beauty and...the Beast.
96
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,80
(BOTH SLURP)
97
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,360
Is Neds in?
98
00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:51,800
Well, what do you think?!
99
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,400
Well, can | see him?
100
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,800
Go on, then.
Hey, and tell him
101
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,640
he's got to take
his prescription.
102
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,120
Hiya, Neds.
103
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,800
Is that Tristan?
104
00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:06,720
| came to see
if she was nearly finished.
105
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,00
Nearly.
106
00:05:11,00 --> 00:05:11,920
She's looking good.
107
00:05:12,40 --> 00:05:14,520
Did you put that machine-gun
at the back, like you said?
108
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:17,840
| couldn't find one.
109
00:05:19,40 --> 00:05:20,320
| fitted this, though.
110
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:22,480
(WHIRRING)
111
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,320
It spits out paper fasteners.
112
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,200
It's meant to be drawing pins,
like, but Mrs Ridley's run out.
113
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,320
She said they was quite sharp,
but | don't know
114
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:35,360
if they'd burst
a villain's tyres.
115
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:36,920
She said they might.
116
00:05:37,40 --> 00:05:38,760
Anyway, she's getting
some more drawing pins in,
117
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,880
so we can try those.
118
00:05:41,00 --> 00:05:43,160
Hey, I've not shown you this
yet. Get in.
119
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:44,960
Come on.
120
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,80
ROBOTIC VOICE: Hello, Neds.
121
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:53,720
It's good, innit?
122
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,760
Let's solve some crime.
123
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:56,960
Wow!
124
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,240
She's alive, Tris.
125
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,880
Maxie Power's finally alive.
126
00:06:03,00 --> 00:06:04,80
Hello, Neds.
127
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:05,640
(SLAPPING)
128
00:06:08,80 --> 00:06:09,800
Mmm!
129
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,880
Oh, that's nice!
130
00:06:16,80 --> 00:06:18,80
JUDEE: (ON TAPE) Now,
if you'd like to turn over,
131
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,920
I'm going to do your front.
132
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,400
That's it. Lovely.
133
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:36,800
Ooh...you've lovely soft hands!
134
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,480
I'll tell you what, love,
135
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:42,40
you don't...do extras, do you?
136
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,600
Oh, I've embarrassed you now.
137
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,40
It's just that, as you can see,
I'm a bit, er...
138
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:50,560
... stimulated.
139
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:54,40
It'll not take long, love.
140
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,920
Shall we say £20?
141
00:06:58,720 --> 00:06:59,960
Well, say summat!
142
00:07:04,40 --> 00:07:06,720
JUDEE: (ON TAPE) Let me drain
all the tension from your body.
143
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:08,440
Oh, cheers, love.
144
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,520
You're a good lass.
145
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:13,120
As | say, it'll not take long.
146
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,760
Me wife's got arthritis,
you see,
147
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:17,320
and it's getting worse
and worse.
148
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:18,560
| mean, three weeks ago,
149
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,360
she were peeling oranges,
but now... Heh.
150
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:22,760
| still love her
151
00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:24,960
and everything, you know.
But, er...
152
00:07:25,80 --> 00:07:27,560
Me daughter's disabled.
153
00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,320
A man has needs.
154
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,40
- (MOUTHS)
- Anyway,
155
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,600
you'd better hurry up, love.
156
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,440
I'm not sure
it'll last much longer.
157
00:07:54,40 --> 00:07:56,200
Oh, that's it...
158
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,960
Steady on, love,
you're not plunging a sink!
159
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:04,840
Oh, yes.
160
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,520
Oh, yes, indeed. Oh...!
161
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,720
Ooh, he's nearly there now!
162
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,00
There we go!
163
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,960
Oh, yes!
164
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,400
(HIGH-PITCHED)
That's the ticket!
165
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,720
Oh!
166
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,720
So, feeling more relaxed now?
167
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:37,40
Oh, yes. Thanks, love.
168
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:38,280
- Spot-on.
- Good.
169
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,480
Would you like me
to book you in
170
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:40,520
for another session?
171
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,120
- Definitely!
- Excellent.
172
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,680
Did you know that if you buy
a Spit & Polish Gold Card,
173
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,600
you can come as many times
as you want in a week?
174
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:48,800
Oh...!
175
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,360
Oh, there you are, Charles.
Everything all right?
176
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,80
| don't know what you did
today, but look at this.
177
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,00
A £20 tip!
178
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,40
He was
a very satisfied customer.
179
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,680
| do hope you can keep this up,
Charles.
180
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,480
(MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
181
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,120
(MOANING)
182
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,280
Ooh!
183
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,600
(PANTS)
184
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,400
(YAWNS)
185
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,120
(MOUTHS)
186
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,560
And the name is?
187
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:17,160
Er, Tony Bell.
188
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:18,360
Ah, yes, Tony.
189
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,520
If you'd like to take yourself
to the treatment room.
190
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:21,720
Would you like a fruit juice?
191
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,440
- No, you're all right.
- Just pop your clothes off
192
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:26,560
and I'll be with you
in a moment.
193
00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:28,160
Psst!
194
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,120
That's your two o'clock
just gone in, Charles.
195
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:39,440
| can't do it.
196
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,80
Of course you can. He
only wants a gentle back rub.
197
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,240
You don't understand!
198
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,120
- | Know him!
- So?
199
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,960
- He slept with Stella!
- What?
200
00:10:48,80 --> 00:10:49,800
He had an affair with my wife!
201
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:51,680
It wouldn't be right
if | touched him!
202
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:54,280
Well, that's all right.
He thinks it's me, remember.
203
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,600
Just go in there
204
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:58,200
and think of the big tip
he'll give you at the end!
205
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,400
(PANPIPE MUSIC)
206
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,400
Hello? Is that you, miss?
207
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:19,920
(HIGH-PITCHED) Mmm!
208
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:22,920
Bit nervous, actually.
209
00:11:23,40 --> 00:11:24,960
I've never really done this
before.
210
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:28,680
(CHARLES LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
211
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:36,880
Jesus!
212
00:11:37,00 --> 00:11:38,80
- What?
- Sh!
213
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,40
- Oh...sorry.
- Sh...
214
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,40
(BLOWS)
215
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:46,320
(EXHALES)
216
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:51,240
(DOOR OPENS)
217
00:12:13,80 --> 00:12:14,520
(OWL HOOTS)
218
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,360
- (GRAVEL HITS WINDOW)
- (DOG BARKS)
219
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:21,760
Tris!
220
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,280
| think there's a crime
to be solved.
221
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:29,320
What?
222
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,920
There's a crime gonna happen.
223
00:12:31,40 --> 00:12:32,760
| heard these blokes
In the pub.
224
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:35,160
They're gonna rob fags
from the cash-and-carry
225
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:36,360
and then sell them on
to their mates
226
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:37,920
at the power station.
227
00:12:38,40 --> 00:12:40,00
Come on, Tris! This is it!
228
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,800
- But it's really late!
- | know,
229
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,160
but we'll miss them
if we don't go now.
230
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:46,360
All right, I'm coming down.
231
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,440
Smashin'!
232
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,160
(SYNTH-POP MUSIC)
233
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,560
ROBOTIC VOICE : Hello, Neds.
234
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:56,960
Let's solve some crime.
235
00:12:57,80 --> 00:12:58,440
Have you phoned the police?
236
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,800
- Nearly there, look.
- Have you?
237
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,80
It's all right.
We've got Maxie.
238
00:13:08,00 --> 00:13:10,240
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
239
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,440
- (TYRES SQUEAL)
- What was that?
240
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,360
I'm warning you.
I'm not going back inside -
241
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:17,480
not for no-one!
242
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:24,880
What the bloody hell's that?!
243
00:13:25,00 --> 00:13:26,320
Go on, Maxie. Go get 'em!
244
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:29,400
Please take me home.
I'm scared!
245
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,00
- You'd better lock the doors.
- (LOCKS CLICK)
246
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,760
It's some bloke
and his bleedin’ kid!
247
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,920
- Don't worry, Tris.
- (BUTTON CLICKS)
248
00:13:37,40 --> 00:13:38,520
(SPRAY HISSES)
249
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:48,200
Get out of the car.
250
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,160
ROBOTIC VOICE:
Let's solve some crime.
251
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:51,560
Get out of the car!
252
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:54,920
(YELPS)
253
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,160
(NEDS YELPS)
254
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,440
(CHARLIE MOANS)
255
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,360
STELLA: Oh, is that it?!
256
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:07,800
Well, | must say, Charlie,
257
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,680
you've got that
down to a fine art.
258
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,760
I've done farts
that have lasted longer.
259
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,200
Yeah, I'm sorry, | was thinking
about something else.
260
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:15,960
Yeah, well, join the club!
261
00:14:18,00 --> 00:14:19,320
(DOOR OPENS)
262
00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,120
- Stella?
- (WATER RUNS)
263
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,880
Have you ever thought
about us having a...
264
00:14:26,00 --> 00:14:27,680
...you know, a threesome?
265
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,200
| can't hear you, Charlie -
the immersion's on.
266
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,00
| said,
267
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,920
have you ever fantasised
about having a threesome?
268
00:14:36,40 --> 00:14:38,520
No. Not since Milli Vanilli
split up. Why?
269
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,00
What's brought all this on?
270
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,280
Nothing. | just thought
271
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,400
it might spice things up a bit,
that's all.
272
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,00
Oh, you're a dark horse,
aren't you?
273
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:46,280
Oh, get off!
274
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:51,00
No, | was reading about it
in one of your Bellas.
275
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:52,920
Oh.
276
00:14:53,40 --> 00:14:53,960
So?
277
00:14:54,80 --> 00:14:55,840
Charlie, I'm not rolling round
on this bed
278
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,800
with Judee Levinson's
dyed minge clamped to me mouth
279
00:14:57,920 --> 00:14:59,760
while you peep at us
from the airing cupboard!
280
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:01,680
Well, I'd be involved,
wouldn't |?
281
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,440
How? You don't know
what to do with one woman,
282
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,00
never mind about two.
283
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,960
It needn't be
with another woman.
284
00:15:07,80 --> 00:15:08,760
It could be something else.
285
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,680
If you think I'm sticking
digestives down me knickers
286
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,560
and calling next door's dog in,
you can think again!
287
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:13,720
No!
288
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,160
Another fella.
289
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,80
Who do you have in mind?
290
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,640
Oh, God, | dunno!
291
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,800
Tony.
292
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:23,960
Tony?!
293
00:15:24,80 --> 00:15:25,800
Well, yeah, | dunno.
You seem to like him...
294
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,400
You wanna sit and watch
while me and Tony...?
295
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:28,840
Well, | don't have to...
296
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,440
| could join in.
297
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:31,640
Doing what?!
298
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:33,560
Whatever! Stroke his hair or...
299
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,280
- Stroke his hair?!
- Whatever!
300
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,560
Oh, yeah, you stroke his hair
and I'll do his nails!
301
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:39,320
Bloody ‘ell!
302
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,200
Look, Stella, I'm trying to get
something going here,
303
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,280
trying to open something up
for you.
304
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,400
And if all you can do is laugh,
you can just sod off!
305
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,40
Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie.
306
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,920
You're right -
Tony could open something up.
307
00:15:53,40 --> 00:15:55,840
Trouble is, | don't think
I'd notice you were even there.
308
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,840
Oh, Neds,
you've gotta do something!
309
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,120
They've started a fire!
310
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,240
Don't worry, Tris.
311
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,400
Maxie Power's still got
a few tricks up her sleeve.
312
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:15,680
(SOFT BEEP)
313
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:18,960
(SOFT BEEP)
314
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,240
(MUSIC STARTS,
THEN DISTORTS AND SLOWS)
315
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:23,560
Oh, no!
316
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:25,920
Now what, Neds? Neds?
317
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,120
What are we going to do?
318
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,760
(SINGS TUNELESSLY)
319
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,560
Oh, fuck!
320
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,480
He's at it hammer and tongs
all night, really going for it,
321
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,680
you know. She says,
"I've had enough! Stop! Stop!"
322
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,440
He says, "| am Thor!"
323
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,80
She says, "You're Thor?
324
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:47,760
"I'm tho thore,
| can hardly pith!"
325
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,360
(LAUGHTER)
326
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:52,920
Tony.
327
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:55,320
Charlie.
328
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:56,720
Mind if I, er...?
329
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,240
- We're going anyway.
- Oh, all right, lads.
330
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:00,880
- See you later, Tone.
- See you, Tone.
331
00:17:01,00 --> 00:17:02,320
- See you again.
- Nice one.
332
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:03,440
Ta-ra.
333
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,80
So...how are you?
334
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,200
Look, Charlie,
if this is about Stella...
335
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,400
No. No, no. No.
336
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,760
That's all forgotten about,
In the past.
337
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,160
No, | just wanted
to talk to you, you know,
338
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:18,800
chat and that.
339
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:19,920
Oh.
340
00:17:21,00 --> 00:17:22,440
Can | get you another pint?
341
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,920
No, no. I'm fine, thanks.
342
00:17:25,40 --> 00:17:26,40
Cheers.
343
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:29,440
Ah...
344
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:30,720
So, anyway,
345
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,760
| believe you've been down
to this new massage parlour.
346
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:35,00
Who told you that?
347
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,840
| heard Iris telling Stella
about it.
348
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,80
Did she, uh,
throw in any extras?
349
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:45,920
Yeah, she did, actually.
350
00:17:46,40 --> 00:17:46,960
(LAUGHS)
351
00:17:47,80 --> 00:17:48,120
You'd never know it
to look at her -
352
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:49,160
she's a right snooty bitch!
353
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:50,280
Always the dirty ones,
aren't they?
354
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,200
(LAUGHTER)
355
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,200
Was it good?
356
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,720
- Eh?
- The actual job in hand -
357
00:17:57,840 --> 00:17:59,440
did it come up to scratch?
358
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:00,920
Yeah, it was fine.
359
00:18:01,40 --> 00:18:03,480
Oh, only fine?!
360
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,160
What was wrong with it, then?
361
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,720
No, it was good. It was,
362
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,240
you know...a wank.
363
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,520
So, it was quite ordinary,
then? Nothing special about it?
364
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,120
Go yourself,
if you're that bothered!
365
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,520
- It's only 20 quid.
- | might. I'm just saying,
366
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,680
you should tell her
what you want.
367
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,160
How's she gonna learn
if you don't talk to her?
368
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:22,560
Bloody hell,
what is this, Charlie?
369
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,320
- Kilroy?
- Well, don't blame me
370
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:25,800
if next time it's just as bad.
371
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,80
| won't. Anyway, who says
there'll be a next time?
372
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:29,640
- You what?
- You put me off going again.
373
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:30,920
Go again.
374
00:18:31,40 --> 00:18:32,80
You've got to!
375
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,520
She might have been tired
by the time you turned up.
376
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,520
Have you thought about that?
377
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:37,760
All right, I'll go.
378
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:38,960
When?
379
00:18:39,80 --> 00:18:40,880
Now. Got me all tensed up.
380
00:18:41,00 --> 00:18:43,360
You can't go now.
She isn't there.
381
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,160
She is. I've just seen her.
382
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:46,440
Go tomorrow.
383
00:18:48,40 --> 00:18:49,120
She needs...
384
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,320
...time to think about
what you've said.
385
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:52,960
Eh?
386
00:18:53,80 --> 00:18:54,160
Please, Tony.
387
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:56,680
Go tomorrow.
388
00:18:58,920 --> 00:18:59,960
All right!
389
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,320
Excuse me. | wonder...
390
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:12,520
Excuse me, would you let...?
391
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:13,800
Oh, God.
392
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,400
Excuse me, madam.
393
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,120
- Yes?
- Oh, great.
394
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:18,600
I'm compiling a report
395
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,400
and I'm asking various
members of the public
396
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,840
one or two questions. Would you
be prepared to take part?
397
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,480
Oh, all right.
If you're quick.
398
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,200
OK. Great. Before | begin,
| must assure you
399
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,40
that everything you say
is strictly confidential
400
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,00
and will go no further
than the information needed
401
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:32,520
to form the basis
of the report.
402
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,680
- OK, yes.
- Right. Got that out the way.
403
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,240
I'm sure you understand
| have to make that clear
404
00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:37,920
before we can proceed
with the report.
405
00:19:38,40 --> 00:19:39,120
Yes, yes, | understand.
406
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:40,200
Right, excellent.
(CLEARS THROAT)
407
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,200
OK, question one.
408
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,840
Would you be prepared
to have your breast pinched?
409
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,800
- What?
- I'll repeat the question.
410
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:48,400
Do you want
your breast pinching?
411
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:49,440
| don't follow you.
412
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:50,640
Well, it's a simple enough
question, lady.
413
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:51,840
Breast pinched, yes or no?
414
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,400
- What's this for?
- The report.
415
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,520
- What report?
- This one!
416
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,880
Well, no,
| don't want my breast pinched.
417
00:19:58,00 --> 00:20:00,120
Right.
Now we're getting somewhere.
418
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,320
"Refuses to have
breast pinched."
419
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:05,520
Question two.
420
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,80
Are you sure you don't want
your breast pinched?
421
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,400
Here you go.
Cheap at half the price.
422
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:25,520
Thank you.
423
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,680
Don't take this the wrong way,
424
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,600
but you could do with having
one of your own, er,
425
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,240
waxing treatments.
426
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:33,400
You know...
427
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:35,680
...a bit ticklish.
428
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,320
Right!
429
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,680
Listen... was wondering
if you were free tonight.
430
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,280
- Free?
- Yeah.
431
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,840
I'd like to take you out
for a drink,
432
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,480
or dinner or summat.
433
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:54,720
Oh, l...
434
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,520
Yes!
435
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:02,160
Yes, I-I'd love to, Tony.
436
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,40
Great.
437
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:06,840
I'll come for you after work,
then.
438
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:08,920
See you.
439
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:23,800
Never mind who | am,
just answer the question!
440
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:25,600
Do you want
your breast pinched?
441
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,80
(SHRIEKS)
442
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:28,800
All right...fair enough.
443
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,800
"Refuses to have
her breast pinched."
444
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,720
(SIGHS) | must say,
I'm disappointed so far.
445
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,240
What do you think about that?
446
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:40,640
Hardly worth bothering
with the report at this rate.
447
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,560
OK, phase two.
448
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:45,720
Excuse me, sir.
449
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,760
Can | take your coat, signora?
450
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:49,760
No, no, it's safer here.
451
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,320
Nil problemo.
452
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,880
Well, this is very...cosy.
453
00:21:57,00 --> 00:21:59,80
Yeah.
| Knew it'd be up your street.
454
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,160
It's proper authentic I-talian.
455
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:02,960
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Get them
prawns out the freezer, Darren!
456
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,240
Er...thanks for me present.
457
00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:10,720
Present?
458
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:14,200
Yeah. | found it in me clothes
after you'd, er...you Know...
459
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,400
Tony?
460
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:16,440
Oh...
461
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:18,800
| thought it were you.
What you doing here?
462
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,280
Just having a quiet meal.
463
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,560
Hello, Charles!
Do come and join us!
464
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:23,920
No,
I-| don't want to interrupt.
465
00:22:24,40 --> 00:22:25,560
| only came in
for a couple or three pizzas.
466
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,40
No, no, | insist. Tony
doesn't mind. Do you, Tony?
467
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,520
(SCOFFS) No.
468
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,360
Oh, thanks. Excuse me.
469
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:35,720
You're looking very nice.
470
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:37,680
Oh, thank you.
Yes, the top | bought...
471
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,240
No, | meant Tony.
472
00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:41,920
That St Christopher
suits you well.
473
00:22:42,40 --> 00:22:43,440
I'm happy with that.
474
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,520
Yes, we were just admiring it.
Where did you say it was from?
475
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:47,200
So, are you ready to order?
476
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,120
Oh, yes, please, Luigi.
477
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,920
Er,
I'll start with the brusk-i...
478
00:22:52,40 --> 00:22:53,280
The bruschetta?
479
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,880
Yeah. What is it?
480
00:22:55,00 --> 00:22:57,600
Is ciabatta bread
with chopped tomatoes, garlic,
481
00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,00
a little basil,
and placed under the grill.
482
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:02,160
Is very tasty.
| can recommend it.
483
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,200
Uh, yeah, I'll have that,
please, and, uh...
484
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:10,440
...th-th-the veal.
485
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:11,920
Signora?
486
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,720
Ah, yes, now,
| had quite a late lunch
487
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,920
so | think | should have
something light.
488
00:23:17,40 --> 00:23:18,680
I'll begin with the melon...
489
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:20,840
...balls.
490
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:24,00
And then | think I'll have
the...gnocchi verdi.
491
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,560
LUIGI: One gnocchi.
492
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:29,920
Sir?
493
00:23:30,40 --> 00:23:31,760
(CLEARS THROAT)
The calamaris,
494
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,400
is that still lemon wedge,
salad...?
495
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,720
- Si, Signore.
- I'll have that and, uh...
496
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,560
I'm feeling a bit adventurous
tonight, Luigi.
497
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,280
| think I'll try
the liver and onions.
498
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,720
Yes, that'll put hairs
on your chest, Charles.
499
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,160
LUIGI: So, one bruschetta
and veal,
500
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,400
one melon and gnocchi verdi
501
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:51,520
and one calamari
followed by the liver.
502
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,160
Is that everything?
503
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,240
Yes...thank you.
504
00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:01,360
Thank you.
505
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,640
(THUD)
506
00:24:07,00 --> 00:24:08,160
I'm going to the toilet.
507
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,00
- I'll come with you.
- No!
508
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,920
You are naughty, Charles.
He brought me here on a date!
509
00:24:15,40 --> 00:24:16,920
He just doesn't realise!
510
00:24:17,40 --> 00:24:18,400
The thing is, Charles...
511
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:21,400
...and I've never told anyone
this before...
512
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,240
- ..when Eddie died...
- I've gotta go.
513
00:24:25,40 --> 00:24:26,480
Charles?
514
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:28,840
(TRICKLING)
515
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:32,80
Tony?
516
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:34,760
Oh, piss off, Charlie,
will you?! You're weird!
517
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:36,680
No, | just need to explain
summat to you.
518
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:39,480
Get off! What's up with you?
Are you queer or summat?
519
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,200
No! | just...
520
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:43,880
| love you!
521
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:46,880
What do you mean, you love me?!
522
00:24:47,00 --> 00:24:48,520
I'm in love with you!
523
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,640
Not in a queer way. | just...
524
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,880
| love the look of you,
your personality, your hair...
525
00:24:54,00 --> 00:24:55,640
Fuck off, Charlie!
526
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,680
You know when something
just clicks and you go,
527
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:01,280
"Ah, that's what it is"?
Well, this is it!
528
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,400
| could be so good for you!
529
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:04,720
Minder?
530
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,240
| can make you happy,
| know | can!
531
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:10,160
Look, Charlie... |, a man,
532
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:13,320
am taking Judee, a woman,
to Barbara's...
533
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:17,480
A mistake.
Don't try and follow us.
534
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:19,00
It's not her, you know!
535
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:22,160
What?
536
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:23,560
It's me.
537
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:24,680
All your massages
538
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,200
and your extras -
| do it, not her!
539
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:29,160
Oh, don't be so childish.
540
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:30,680
I've seen your birthmark!
541
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:34,00
Like the little red Teletubby.
542
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:38,280
Po?
543
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,520
You touch it sometimes,
just when you're about to...
544
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:43,920
Not my Po.
545
00:25:44,40 --> 00:25:45,880
| bought this wig.
546
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:48,720
| thought maybe we could...
547
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,560
You...bastard!
548
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,840
(PANTS)
549
00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:59,80
(GROANS AND WHIMPERS)
550
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,480
Here...
551
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,840
...you can have
your St Christopher back
552
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:04,480
as well!
553
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:07,40
(SOBS)
554
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:10,760
(SCREAMS)
555
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:14,600
I've never been so humiliated
in all of my life!
556
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,00
Led on by a sad little homo!
557
00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:18,320
| wouldn't like to be
in your shoes
558
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:19,880
when Eddie finds out!
559
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:22,800
Oh, and don't bother
coming in tomorrow.
560
00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:24,960
Your handyman days are over.
561
00:26:25,80 --> 00:26:26,240
Pervert!
562
00:26:28,80 --> 00:26:29,440
(PANTS)
563
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:30,560
Argh!
564
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:36,40
STELLA: Where is he? In here?
565
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:39,880
Charlie?
566
00:26:40,00 --> 00:26:41,280
l've just come to tell you
I've won the bingo
567
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:43,160
at the Greedy Slits. £2,000.
568
00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:44,640
I've packed a bag for you,
look.
569
00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:46,80
Where are we going?
570
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:47,240
I'm going to Fuengirola.
571
00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:48,600
You're staying
at the Windermere.
572
00:26:50,00 --> 00:26:52,200
Oh, by the way, Charlie...
573
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,440
Me and Tony had that threesome
last week.
574
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:57,80
Sorry | forgot to tell you.
See ya!
575
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,720
Excuse me, signore.
I'm afraid to say
576
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:06,720
the calamaris is off
for tonight.
577
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:08,280
(SOBS)
578
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:12,960
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
| can do you some chips.
579
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:19,520
(SIGHS)
580
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:26,880
Excuse me, madam.
581
00:27:27,00 --> 00:27:28,160
Fuck off!
582
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,320
Excuse me... You dropped this.
583
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:44,00
(TYRES SCREECH)
584
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:45,440
- (ENGINE REVS)
- (SCREAMING)
585
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:47,120
(VEHICLE CRASHES)
586
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:52,640
PASSERBY: Oh, my God,
are you all right?
587
00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:55,440
Tony?
588
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,160
(ECHOES) Don't try to speak.
Give me your hand.
589
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:00,640
(VOICES MIX TOGETHER)
If it wasn't
590
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:02,920
for that St Christopher,
you'd be dead by now.
591
00:28:03,40 --> 00:28:06,240
- It's fate, Tony.
- Come on.
592
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:07,960
Let me take you back
to the shop.
593
00:28:08,80 --> 00:28:09,840
CHARLIE: He saved my life!
594
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,00
Ha! Beauty and the Beast.
595
00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:20,400
What's that?
596
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:22,840
Beauty and the Beast.
597
00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:25,200
Who's that he went off with?
598
00:28:27,00 --> 00:28:28,80
Charlie?
37529
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