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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:26,840 Excuse me, madam... 2 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,160 (PUPPY YELPS) 3 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:55,360 (FRUIT MACHINES BEEP) 4 00:00:58,680 --> 00:00:59,680 (MACHINE BEEPS) 5 00:01:05,80 --> 00:01:07,120 | wondered why you wanted the housekeeping all in tens! 6 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:08,440 Change machine's broke. 7 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:10,440 Stella, we've got little enough money as it is 8 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,880 without you pumping half of it into the Greedy Slits! 9 00:01:13,00 --> 00:01:14,80 A girl needs an 'obby, Charlie. 10 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,680 Gambling's not a hobby! 11 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,200 How many more times? It's not gambling! 12 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:18,320 | watch these machines. 13 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:20,200 This one's not given out for three weeks. 14 00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,160 Hmm! It's not the only one. 15 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,400 Look, you've got a counsellor. Why don't you talk to him? 16 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:25,440 All right! 17 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,120 Sean, if you get two bars and a Lucky 7, 18 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:28,480 is it better to nudge or hold? 19 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:29,640 Not bothered, not bothered. 20 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:32,800 What do you want to sit in here all day anyway for? It stinks! 21 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,800 - What's going on? - Oh, | get it! 22 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:38,640 Oh, hello, Tony! 23 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,280 What are you doing here? 24 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,680 | work here. 25 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,920 Oh, yeah. So you do. 26 00:01:44,40 --> 00:01:45,40 | thought | told you 27 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:46,960 to stay away from Crystal Tipps here! 28 00:01:47,80 --> 00:01:48,400 Yeah, like | say, Charlie, 29 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:49,640 a girl needs an ‘obby. 30 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,160 Now, come on, Tony. 31 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,280 Hold me melons while | try and nudge this bell. 32 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,160 (MACHINE BEEPS) 33 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,240 (PANPIPE MUSIC) 34 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,840 Just let the music wash over you. 35 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,320 How's that volume? 36 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:10,800 Fine, thanks. 37 00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:12,920 Excellent. This is what we in the beauty trade 38 00:02:13,40 --> 00:02:15,120 call relaxative music. 39 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:17,960 Actually, you can purchase the CD in reception 40 00:02:18,80 --> 00:02:19,960 for just £12.99. 41 00:02:20,80 --> 00:02:22,00 - No, thank you. - Fine. 42 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,40 (MOUTHS) 43 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:28,200 Um, have you ever had a massage before? 44 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,480 Not for a while, no. 45 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:31,720 Right. 46 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:35,960 JUDEE: (ON TAPE) Your massage today 47 00:02:36,80 --> 00:02:38,480 is going to be an invigorating one... 48 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,800 ... concentrating on your neck, arms and upper body. 49 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:53,800 So the essential oils I've chosen for you 50 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:57,80 are ylang-ylang, which Is a pale yellow oil 51 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,360 with an extremely sweet, exotic scent, 52 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,120 and bergamot, which has a fruity aroma 53 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,160 with a slight balsamic undertone... 54 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,400 - (BOTH MOUTH) - ...best before Feb 2004. 55 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:08,760 How are they for you? 56 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,120 Good. 57 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:12,640 Mmm, fine. 58 00:03:14,80 --> 00:03:15,80 Good. 59 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:17,600 I'm going to begin 60 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:20,240 with some long strokes down your arms and shoulders, 61 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,440 nice and gently at first. Just try to relax. 62 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:24,800 WOMAN: D'you want a brew, love? 63 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:26,320 JUDEE: Mother, can't you see I'm busy?! 64 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,840 WOMAN: All right, don't bite me head off! 65 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,640 - (MOUTHS) - Sorry about that. 66 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:30,840 My cleaner! 67 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,600 - JUDEE: Just try to relax. - (BOTH MOUTH) 68 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,320 That's it. 69 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:36,800 (MOUTHS) 70 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:39,960 Let me drain all the tension from your body. 71 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,400 Oh, that was lovely, thank you. 72 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:49,00 Oh, no, thank you. Do come and see us again! 73 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:51,640 - Goodbye. - Bye-bye! 74 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:54,360 Charles! 75 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:55,480 Charles! 76 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,680 Look - a £3 tip! 77 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:01,00 Bloody hell! | can't believe we actually got away with it! 78 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:02,40 Oh, you are clever, Charles. 79 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,520 And you learned all this in the Merchant Navy? 80 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,640 Yeah! Well, | was always good at it, 81 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,280 but | couldn't open up a posh place like this. 82 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,320 Who'd come? 83 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:10,520 We're the perfect partnership. 84 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,800 I've got the looks, you've got the brawn. 85 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:16,200 It's like having your hands on my body. 86 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:17,480 Imagine how... 87 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,320 ...strange and wonderful that would feel. 88 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,00 I'm a married man, Mrs Levinson. 89 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,480 Yes, of course. 90 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,200 And | must think of Eddie. 91 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,880 Let's have a toast. 92 00:04:31,00 --> 00:04:32,240 To Spit & Polish! 93 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:33,280 No, no, no. 94 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,00 To Beauty...and the Beast. 95 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,560 - (GLASSES CLINK) - Beauty and...the Beast. 96 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,80 (BOTH SLURP) 97 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,360 Is Neds in? 98 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:51,800 Well, what do you think?! 99 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,400 Well, can | see him? 100 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,800 Go on, then. Hey, and tell him 101 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,640 he's got to take his prescription. 102 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,120 Hiya, Neds. 103 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,800 Is that Tristan? 104 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:06,720 | came to see if she was nearly finished. 105 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,00 Nearly. 106 00:05:11,00 --> 00:05:11,920 She's looking good. 107 00:05:12,40 --> 00:05:14,520 Did you put that machine-gun at the back, like you said? 108 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:17,840 | couldn't find one. 109 00:05:19,40 --> 00:05:20,320 | fitted this, though. 110 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:22,480 (WHIRRING) 111 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,320 It spits out paper fasteners. 112 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,200 It's meant to be drawing pins, like, but Mrs Ridley's run out. 113 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,320 She said they was quite sharp, but | don't know 114 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:35,360 if they'd burst a villain's tyres. 115 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:36,920 She said they might. 116 00:05:37,40 --> 00:05:38,760 Anyway, she's getting some more drawing pins in, 117 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,880 so we can try those. 118 00:05:41,00 --> 00:05:43,160 Hey, I've not shown you this yet. Get in. 119 00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:44,960 Come on. 120 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,80 ROBOTIC VOICE: Hello, Neds. 121 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:53,720 It's good, innit? 122 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,760 Let's solve some crime. 123 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:56,960 Wow! 124 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,240 She's alive, Tris. 125 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,880 Maxie Power's finally alive. 126 00:06:03,00 --> 00:06:04,80 Hello, Neds. 127 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:05,640 (SLAPPING) 128 00:06:08,80 --> 00:06:09,800 Mmm! 129 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,880 Oh, that's nice! 130 00:06:16,80 --> 00:06:18,80 JUDEE: (ON TAPE) Now, if you'd like to turn over, 131 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,920 I'm going to do your front. 132 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,400 That's it. Lovely. 133 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:36,800 Ooh...you've lovely soft hands! 134 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,480 I'll tell you what, love, 135 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:42,40 you don't...do extras, do you? 136 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,600 Oh, I've embarrassed you now. 137 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,40 It's just that, as you can see, I'm a bit, er... 138 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:50,560 ... stimulated. 139 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:54,40 It'll not take long, love. 140 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,920 Shall we say £20? 141 00:06:58,720 --> 00:06:59,960 Well, say summat! 142 00:07:04,40 --> 00:07:06,720 JUDEE: (ON TAPE) Let me drain all the tension from your body. 143 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:08,440 Oh, cheers, love. 144 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,520 You're a good lass. 145 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:13,120 As | say, it'll not take long. 146 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,760 Me wife's got arthritis, you see, 147 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:17,320 and it's getting worse and worse. 148 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:18,560 | mean, three weeks ago, 149 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,360 she were peeling oranges, but now... Heh. 150 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:22,760 | still love her 151 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:24,960 and everything, you know. But, er... 152 00:07:25,80 --> 00:07:27,560 Me daughter's disabled. 153 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,320 A man has needs. 154 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,40 - (MOUTHS) - Anyway, 155 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,600 you'd better hurry up, love. 156 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,440 I'm not sure it'll last much longer. 157 00:07:54,40 --> 00:07:56,200 Oh, that's it... 158 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,960 Steady on, love, you're not plunging a sink! 159 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:04,840 Oh, yes. 160 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,520 Oh, yes, indeed. Oh...! 161 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,720 Ooh, he's nearly there now! 162 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,00 There we go! 163 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,960 Oh, yes! 164 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,400 (HIGH-PITCHED) That's the ticket! 165 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,720 Oh! 166 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,720 So, feeling more relaxed now? 167 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:37,40 Oh, yes. Thanks, love. 168 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:38,280 - Spot-on. - Good. 169 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,480 Would you like me to book you in 170 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:40,520 for another session? 171 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,120 - Definitely! - Excellent. 172 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,680 Did you know that if you buy a Spit & Polish Gold Card, 173 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,600 you can come as many times as you want in a week? 174 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:48,800 Oh...! 175 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,360 Oh, there you are, Charles. Everything all right? 176 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,80 | don't know what you did today, but look at this. 177 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,00 A £20 tip! 178 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,40 He was a very satisfied customer. 179 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,680 | do hope you can keep this up, Charles. 180 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,480 (MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH) 181 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,120 (MOANING) 182 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,280 Ooh! 183 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,600 (PANTS) 184 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,400 (YAWNS) 185 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,120 (MOUTHS) 186 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,560 And the name is? 187 00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:17,160 Er, Tony Bell. 188 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:18,360 Ah, yes, Tony. 189 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,520 If you'd like to take yourself to the treatment room. 190 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:21,720 Would you like a fruit juice? 191 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,440 - No, you're all right. - Just pop your clothes off 192 00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:26,560 and I'll be with you in a moment. 193 00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:28,160 Psst! 194 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,120 That's your two o'clock just gone in, Charles. 195 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:39,440 | can't do it. 196 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,80 Of course you can. He only wants a gentle back rub. 197 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,240 You don't understand! 198 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,120 - | Know him! - So? 199 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,960 - He slept with Stella! - What? 200 00:10:48,80 --> 00:10:49,800 He had an affair with my wife! 201 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:51,680 It wouldn't be right if | touched him! 202 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:54,280 Well, that's all right. He thinks it's me, remember. 203 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,600 Just go in there 204 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:58,200 and think of the big tip he'll give you at the end! 205 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,400 (PANPIPE MUSIC) 206 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,400 Hello? Is that you, miss? 207 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:19,920 (HIGH-PITCHED) Mmm! 208 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:22,920 Bit nervous, actually. 209 00:11:23,40 --> 00:11:24,960 I've never really done this before. 210 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:28,680 (CHARLES LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 211 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:36,880 Jesus! 212 00:11:37,00 --> 00:11:38,80 - What? - Sh! 213 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,40 - Oh...sorry. - Sh... 214 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,40 (BLOWS) 215 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:46,320 (EXHALES) 216 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:51,240 (DOOR OPENS) 217 00:12:13,80 --> 00:12:14,520 (OWL HOOTS) 218 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,360 - (GRAVEL HITS WINDOW) - (DOG BARKS) 219 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:21,760 Tris! 220 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,280 | think there's a crime to be solved. 221 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:29,320 What? 222 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,920 There's a crime gonna happen. 223 00:12:31,40 --> 00:12:32,760 | heard these blokes In the pub. 224 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:35,160 They're gonna rob fags from the cash-and-carry 225 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:36,360 and then sell them on to their mates 226 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:37,920 at the power station. 227 00:12:38,40 --> 00:12:40,00 Come on, Tris! This is it! 228 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,800 - But it's really late! - | know, 229 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,160 but we'll miss them if we don't go now. 230 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:46,360 All right, I'm coming down. 231 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,440 Smashin'! 232 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,160 (SYNTH-POP MUSIC) 233 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,560 ROBOTIC VOICE : Hello, Neds. 234 00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:56,960 Let's solve some crime. 235 00:12:57,80 --> 00:12:58,440 Have you phoned the police? 236 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,800 - Nearly there, look. - Have you? 237 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,80 It's all right. We've got Maxie. 238 00:13:08,00 --> 00:13:10,240 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 239 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,440 - (TYRES SQUEAL) - What was that? 240 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,360 I'm warning you. I'm not going back inside - 241 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:17,480 not for no-one! 242 00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:24,880 What the bloody hell's that?! 243 00:13:25,00 --> 00:13:26,320 Go on, Maxie. Go get 'em! 244 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:29,400 Please take me home. I'm scared! 245 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,00 - You'd better lock the doors. - (LOCKS CLICK) 246 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,760 It's some bloke and his bleedin’ kid! 247 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,920 - Don't worry, Tris. - (BUTTON CLICKS) 248 00:13:37,40 --> 00:13:38,520 (SPRAY HISSES) 249 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:48,200 Get out of the car. 250 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,160 ROBOTIC VOICE: Let's solve some crime. 251 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:51,560 Get out of the car! 252 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:54,920 (YELPS) 253 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,160 (NEDS YELPS) 254 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,440 (CHARLIE MOANS) 255 00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,360 STELLA: Oh, is that it?! 256 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:07,800 Well, | must say, Charlie, 257 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,680 you've got that down to a fine art. 258 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,760 I've done farts that have lasted longer. 259 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,200 Yeah, I'm sorry, | was thinking about something else. 260 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:15,960 Yeah, well, join the club! 261 00:14:18,00 --> 00:14:19,320 (DOOR OPENS) 262 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,120 - Stella? - (WATER RUNS) 263 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,880 Have you ever thought about us having a... 264 00:14:26,00 --> 00:14:27,680 ...you know, a threesome? 265 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,200 | can't hear you, Charlie - the immersion's on. 266 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,00 | said, 267 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,920 have you ever fantasised about having a threesome? 268 00:14:36,40 --> 00:14:38,520 No. Not since Milli Vanilli split up. Why? 269 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,00 What's brought all this on? 270 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,280 Nothing. | just thought 271 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,400 it might spice things up a bit, that's all. 272 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,00 Oh, you're a dark horse, aren't you? 273 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:46,280 Oh, get off! 274 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:51,00 No, | was reading about it in one of your Bellas. 275 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:52,920 Oh. 276 00:14:53,40 --> 00:14:53,960 So? 277 00:14:54,80 --> 00:14:55,840 Charlie, I'm not rolling round on this bed 278 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,800 with Judee Levinson's dyed minge clamped to me mouth 279 00:14:57,920 --> 00:14:59,760 while you peep at us from the airing cupboard! 280 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:01,680 Well, I'd be involved, wouldn't |? 281 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,440 How? You don't know what to do with one woman, 282 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,00 never mind about two. 283 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,960 It needn't be with another woman. 284 00:15:07,80 --> 00:15:08,760 It could be something else. 285 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,680 If you think I'm sticking digestives down me knickers 286 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,560 and calling next door's dog in, you can think again! 287 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:13,720 No! 288 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,160 Another fella. 289 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,80 Who do you have in mind? 290 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,640 Oh, God, | dunno! 291 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,800 Tony. 292 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:23,960 Tony?! 293 00:15:24,80 --> 00:15:25,800 Well, yeah, | dunno. You seem to like him... 294 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,400 You wanna sit and watch while me and Tony...? 295 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:28,840 Well, | don't have to... 296 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,440 | could join in. 297 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:31,640 Doing what?! 298 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:33,560 Whatever! Stroke his hair or... 299 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,280 - Stroke his hair?! - Whatever! 300 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,560 Oh, yeah, you stroke his hair and I'll do his nails! 301 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:39,320 Bloody ‘ell! 302 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,200 Look, Stella, I'm trying to get something going here, 303 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,280 trying to open something up for you. 304 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,400 And if all you can do is laugh, you can just sod off! 305 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,40 Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie. 306 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,920 You're right - Tony could open something up. 307 00:15:53,40 --> 00:15:55,840 Trouble is, | don't think I'd notice you were even there. 308 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,840 Oh, Neds, you've gotta do something! 309 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,120 They've started a fire! 310 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,240 Don't worry, Tris. 311 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,400 Maxie Power's still got a few tricks up her sleeve. 312 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:15,680 (SOFT BEEP) 313 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:18,960 (SOFT BEEP) 314 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,240 (MUSIC STARTS, THEN DISTORTS AND SLOWS) 315 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:23,560 Oh, no! 316 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:25,920 Now what, Neds? Neds? 317 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,120 What are we going to do? 318 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,760 (SINGS TUNELESSLY) 319 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,560 Oh, fuck! 320 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,480 He's at it hammer and tongs all night, really going for it, 321 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,680 you know. She says, "I've had enough! Stop! Stop!" 322 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,440 He says, "| am Thor!" 323 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,80 She says, "You're Thor? 324 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:47,760 "I'm tho thore, | can hardly pith!" 325 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,360 (LAUGHTER) 326 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:52,920 Tony. 327 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:55,320 Charlie. 328 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:56,720 Mind if I, er...? 329 00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,240 - We're going anyway. - Oh, all right, lads. 330 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:00,880 - See you later, Tone. - See you, Tone. 331 00:17:01,00 --> 00:17:02,320 - See you again. - Nice one. 332 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:03,440 Ta-ra. 333 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,80 So...how are you? 334 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,200 Look, Charlie, if this is about Stella... 335 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,400 No. No, no. No. 336 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,760 That's all forgotten about, In the past. 337 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,160 No, | just wanted to talk to you, you know, 338 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:18,800 chat and that. 339 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:19,920 Oh. 340 00:17:21,00 --> 00:17:22,440 Can | get you another pint? 341 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,920 No, no. I'm fine, thanks. 342 00:17:25,40 --> 00:17:26,40 Cheers. 343 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:29,440 Ah... 344 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:30,720 So, anyway, 345 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,760 | believe you've been down to this new massage parlour. 346 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:35,00 Who told you that? 347 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,840 | heard Iris telling Stella about it. 348 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,80 Did she, uh, throw in any extras? 349 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:45,920 Yeah, she did, actually. 350 00:17:46,40 --> 00:17:46,960 (LAUGHS) 351 00:17:47,80 --> 00:17:48,120 You'd never know it to look at her - 352 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:49,160 she's a right snooty bitch! 353 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:50,280 Always the dirty ones, aren't they? 354 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,200 (LAUGHTER) 355 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,200 Was it good? 356 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,720 - Eh? - The actual job in hand - 357 00:17:57,840 --> 00:17:59,440 did it come up to scratch? 358 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:00,920 Yeah, it was fine. 359 00:18:01,40 --> 00:18:03,480 Oh, only fine?! 360 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,160 What was wrong with it, then? 361 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,720 No, it was good. It was, 362 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,240 you know...a wank. 363 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,520 So, it was quite ordinary, then? Nothing special about it? 364 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,120 Go yourself, if you're that bothered! 365 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,520 - It's only 20 quid. - | might. I'm just saying, 366 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,680 you should tell her what you want. 367 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,160 How's she gonna learn if you don't talk to her? 368 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:22,560 Bloody hell, what is this, Charlie? 369 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,320 - Kilroy? - Well, don't blame me 370 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:25,800 if next time it's just as bad. 371 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,80 | won't. Anyway, who says there'll be a next time? 372 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:29,640 - You what? - You put me off going again. 373 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:30,920 Go again. 374 00:18:31,40 --> 00:18:32,80 You've got to! 375 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,520 She might have been tired by the time you turned up. 376 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,520 Have you thought about that? 377 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:37,760 All right, I'll go. 378 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:38,960 When? 379 00:18:39,80 --> 00:18:40,880 Now. Got me all tensed up. 380 00:18:41,00 --> 00:18:43,360 You can't go now. She isn't there. 381 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,160 She is. I've just seen her. 382 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:46,440 Go tomorrow. 383 00:18:48,40 --> 00:18:49,120 She needs... 384 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,320 ...time to think about what you've said. 385 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:52,960 Eh? 386 00:18:53,80 --> 00:18:54,160 Please, Tony. 387 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:56,680 Go tomorrow. 388 00:18:58,920 --> 00:18:59,960 All right! 389 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,320 Excuse me. | wonder... 390 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:12,520 Excuse me, would you let...? 391 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:13,800 Oh, God. 392 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,400 Excuse me, madam. 393 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,120 - Yes? - Oh, great. 394 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:18,600 I'm compiling a report 395 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,400 and I'm asking various members of the public 396 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,840 one or two questions. Would you be prepared to take part? 397 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,480 Oh, all right. If you're quick. 398 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,200 OK. Great. Before | begin, | must assure you 399 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,40 that everything you say is strictly confidential 400 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,00 and will go no further than the information needed 401 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:32,520 to form the basis of the report. 402 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,680 - OK, yes. - Right. Got that out the way. 403 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,240 I'm sure you understand | have to make that clear 404 00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:37,920 before we can proceed with the report. 405 00:19:38,40 --> 00:19:39,120 Yes, yes, | understand. 406 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:40,200 Right, excellent. (CLEARS THROAT) 407 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,200 OK, question one. 408 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,840 Would you be prepared to have your breast pinched? 409 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,800 - What? - I'll repeat the question. 410 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:48,400 Do you want your breast pinching? 411 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:49,440 | don't follow you. 412 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:50,640 Well, it's a simple enough question, lady. 413 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:51,840 Breast pinched, yes or no? 414 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,400 - What's this for? - The report. 415 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,520 - What report? - This one! 416 00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,880 Well, no, | don't want my breast pinched. 417 00:19:58,00 --> 00:20:00,120 Right. Now we're getting somewhere. 418 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,320 "Refuses to have breast pinched." 419 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:05,520 Question two. 420 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,80 Are you sure you don't want your breast pinched? 421 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,400 Here you go. Cheap at half the price. 422 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:25,520 Thank you. 423 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,680 Don't take this the wrong way, 424 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,600 but you could do with having one of your own, er, 425 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,240 waxing treatments. 426 00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:33,400 You know... 427 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:35,680 ...a bit ticklish. 428 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,320 Right! 429 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,680 Listen... was wondering if you were free tonight. 430 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,280 - Free? - Yeah. 431 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,840 I'd like to take you out for a drink, 432 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,480 or dinner or summat. 433 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:54,720 Oh, l... 434 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,520 Yes! 435 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:02,160 Yes, I-I'd love to, Tony. 436 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,40 Great. 437 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:06,840 I'll come for you after work, then. 438 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:08,920 See you. 439 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:23,800 Never mind who | am, just answer the question! 440 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:25,600 Do you want your breast pinched? 441 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,80 (SHRIEKS) 442 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:28,800 All right...fair enough. 443 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,800 "Refuses to have her breast pinched." 444 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,720 (SIGHS) | must say, I'm disappointed so far. 445 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,240 What do you think about that? 446 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:40,640 Hardly worth bothering with the report at this rate. 447 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,560 OK, phase two. 448 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:45,720 Excuse me, sir. 449 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,760 Can | take your coat, signora? 450 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:49,760 No, no, it's safer here. 451 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,320 Nil problemo. 452 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,880 Well, this is very...cosy. 453 00:21:57,00 --> 00:21:59,80 Yeah. | Knew it'd be up your street. 454 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,160 It's proper authentic I-talian. 455 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:02,960 (ENGLISH ACCENT) Get them prawns out the freezer, Darren! 456 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,240 Er...thanks for me present. 457 00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:10,720 Present? 458 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:14,200 Yeah. | found it in me clothes after you'd, er...you Know... 459 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,400 Tony? 460 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:16,440 Oh... 461 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:18,800 | thought it were you. What you doing here? 462 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,280 Just having a quiet meal. 463 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,560 Hello, Charles! Do come and join us! 464 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:23,920 No, I-| don't want to interrupt. 465 00:22:24,40 --> 00:22:25,560 | only came in for a couple or three pizzas. 466 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,40 No, no, | insist. Tony doesn't mind. Do you, Tony? 467 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,520 (SCOFFS) No. 468 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,360 Oh, thanks. Excuse me. 469 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:35,720 You're looking very nice. 470 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:37,680 Oh, thank you. Yes, the top | bought... 471 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,240 No, | meant Tony. 472 00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:41,920 That St Christopher suits you well. 473 00:22:42,40 --> 00:22:43,440 I'm happy with that. 474 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,520 Yes, we were just admiring it. Where did you say it was from? 475 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:47,200 So, are you ready to order? 476 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,120 Oh, yes, please, Luigi. 477 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,920 Er, I'll start with the brusk-i... 478 00:22:52,40 --> 00:22:53,280 The bruschetta? 479 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,880 Yeah. What is it? 480 00:22:55,00 --> 00:22:57,600 Is ciabatta bread with chopped tomatoes, garlic, 481 00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,00 a little basil, and placed under the grill. 482 00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:02,160 Is very tasty. | can recommend it. 483 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,200 Uh, yeah, I'll have that, please, and, uh... 484 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:10,440 ...th-th-the veal. 485 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:11,920 Signora? 486 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,720 Ah, yes, now, | had quite a late lunch 487 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,920 so | think | should have something light. 488 00:23:17,40 --> 00:23:18,680 I'll begin with the melon... 489 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:20,840 ...balls. 490 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:24,00 And then | think I'll have the...gnocchi verdi. 491 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,560 LUIGI: One gnocchi. 492 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:29,920 Sir? 493 00:23:30,40 --> 00:23:31,760 (CLEARS THROAT) The calamaris, 494 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,400 is that still lemon wedge, salad...? 495 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,720 - Si, Signore. - I'll have that and, uh... 496 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,560 I'm feeling a bit adventurous tonight, Luigi. 497 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,280 | think I'll try the liver and onions. 498 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,720 Yes, that'll put hairs on your chest, Charles. 499 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,160 LUIGI: So, one bruschetta and veal, 500 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,400 one melon and gnocchi verdi 501 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:51,520 and one calamari followed by the liver. 502 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,160 Is that everything? 503 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,240 Yes...thank you. 504 00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:01,360 Thank you. 505 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,640 (THUD) 506 00:24:07,00 --> 00:24:08,160 I'm going to the toilet. 507 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,00 - I'll come with you. - No! 508 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,920 You are naughty, Charles. He brought me here on a date! 509 00:24:15,40 --> 00:24:16,920 He just doesn't realise! 510 00:24:17,40 --> 00:24:18,400 The thing is, Charles... 511 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:21,400 ...and I've never told anyone this before... 512 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,240 - ..when Eddie died... - I've gotta go. 513 00:24:25,40 --> 00:24:26,480 Charles? 514 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:28,840 (TRICKLING) 515 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:32,80 Tony? 516 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:34,760 Oh, piss off, Charlie, will you?! You're weird! 517 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:36,680 No, | just need to explain summat to you. 518 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:39,480 Get off! What's up with you? Are you queer or summat? 519 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,200 No! | just... 520 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:43,880 | love you! 521 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:46,880 What do you mean, you love me?! 522 00:24:47,00 --> 00:24:48,520 I'm in love with you! 523 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,640 Not in a queer way. | just... 524 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,880 | love the look of you, your personality, your hair... 525 00:24:54,00 --> 00:24:55,640 Fuck off, Charlie! 526 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,680 You know when something just clicks and you go, 527 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:01,280 "Ah, that's what it is"? Well, this is it! 528 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,400 | could be so good for you! 529 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:04,720 Minder? 530 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,240 | can make you happy, | know | can! 531 00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:10,160 Look, Charlie... |, a man, 532 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:13,320 am taking Judee, a woman, to Barbara's... 533 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:17,480 A mistake. Don't try and follow us. 534 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:19,00 It's not her, you know! 535 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:22,160 What? 536 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:23,560 It's me. 537 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:24,680 All your massages 538 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,200 and your extras - | do it, not her! 539 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:29,160 Oh, don't be so childish. 540 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:30,680 I've seen your birthmark! 541 00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:34,00 Like the little red Teletubby. 542 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:38,280 Po? 543 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,520 You touch it sometimes, just when you're about to... 544 00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:43,920 Not my Po. 545 00:25:44,40 --> 00:25:45,880 | bought this wig. 546 00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:48,720 | thought maybe we could... 547 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,560 You...bastard! 548 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,840 (PANTS) 549 00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:59,80 (GROANS AND WHIMPERS) 550 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,480 Here... 551 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,840 ...you can have your St Christopher back 552 00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:04,480 as well! 553 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:07,40 (SOBS) 554 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:10,760 (SCREAMS) 555 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:14,600 I've never been so humiliated in all of my life! 556 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,00 Led on by a sad little homo! 557 00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:18,320 | wouldn't like to be in your shoes 558 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:19,880 when Eddie finds out! 559 00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:22,800 Oh, and don't bother coming in tomorrow. 560 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:24,960 Your handyman days are over. 561 00:26:25,80 --> 00:26:26,240 Pervert! 562 00:26:28,80 --> 00:26:29,440 (PANTS) 563 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:30,560 Argh! 564 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:36,40 STELLA: Where is he? In here? 565 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:39,880 Charlie? 566 00:26:40,00 --> 00:26:41,280 l've just come to tell you I've won the bingo 567 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:43,160 at the Greedy Slits. £2,000. 568 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:44,640 I've packed a bag for you, look. 569 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:46,80 Where are we going? 570 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:47,240 I'm going to Fuengirola. 571 00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:48,600 You're staying at the Windermere. 572 00:26:50,00 --> 00:26:52,200 Oh, by the way, Charlie... 573 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,440 Me and Tony had that threesome last week. 574 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:57,80 Sorry | forgot to tell you. See ya! 575 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,720 Excuse me, signore. I'm afraid to say 576 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:06,720 the calamaris is off for tonight. 577 00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:08,280 (SOBS) 578 00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:12,960 (ENGLISH ACCENT) | can do you some chips. 579 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:19,520 (SIGHS) 580 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:26,880 Excuse me, madam. 581 00:27:27,00 --> 00:27:28,160 Fuck off! 582 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,320 Excuse me... You dropped this. 583 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:44,00 (TYRES SCREECH) 584 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:45,440 - (ENGINE REVS) - (SCREAMING) 585 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:47,120 (VEHICLE CRASHES) 586 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:52,640 PASSERBY: Oh, my God, are you all right? 587 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:55,440 Tony? 588 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,160 (ECHOES) Don't try to speak. Give me your hand. 589 00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:00,640 (VOICES MIX TOGETHER) If it wasn't 590 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:02,920 for that St Christopher, you'd be dead by now. 591 00:28:03,40 --> 00:28:06,240 - It's fate, Tony. - Come on. 592 00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:07,960 Let me take you back to the shop. 593 00:28:08,80 --> 00:28:09,840 CHARLIE: He saved my life! 594 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,00 Ha! Beauty and the Beast. 595 00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:20,400 What's that? 596 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:22,840 Beauty and the Beast. 597 00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:25,200 Who's that he went off with? 598 00:28:27,00 --> 00:28:28,80 Charlie? 37529

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