All language subtitles for The.League.Of.Gentlemen.S03E03.1080p.BluRay.x264-TABULARiA_track3_[eng]

(CAR LOCK BEEPS)

GEOFF: | told 'em Wednesday!

Geoff?

| haven't got it. Go away.

Geoff, it's me, Mike.

Mike, what are you doing here?

Can | come in?

Yeah.

Come in. Er, sit down,
sit down.

I'll shift them to the bed.

- Er, does it smell in ‘ere?
- A little bit.

Yeah, | know. It's them bins.
I'm scared to take 'em down.

- Do you want a drink?
- Oh...

- Yeah, thanks.
- Coming up.

I'll get you a napkin.

There we are.
All nice and posh, look.

So...

What...do you want?

| suppose you've heard the
rumours going round the office.

Yeah, about Brian
getting bummed?

No.

- By who?
- Some bin men.

No, it's to do with

the cutbacks
they're making in York.

Huh! What about 'em?

You know, don't you,
that head office has decided

to scale down
the injection-moulding side

and put more resources
into absorbents?

| know there's a head office.

Right. Well,
the knock-on effect is...

...l've got to let someone go.

- Oh, Mike, no!
- This is so hard.

- You can't break up the team!
- | know, but...

Do you want me to tell him?

Hey?

Brian.

Less of a blow coming from me.

No, Geoff...

. It'S you.

What?

I'm having to let you go.

Me? What have | ever done

- in this job?!
- Very little, Geoff.

- It's just...
- Who's replacing me? Cheryl?

- Nobody's repl...
- Or your mum, perhaps?

Oh, no, she's dead,
in't she? Mine's not.

Look, | can have a word
with Manny Glottis in Burnley.

Oh, I'm not going to Burnley!

Well, what can | say, then?

I've been backward and forward
to York on bended knees.

That's all right, pal...

l've tried every way round it.

Don't worry about it,

you've done your job.
Job done, thanks for coming.

On your day off, as well.
Did you get paid extra?

No!

Just petrol money. Look,
if there's anything | can...

No, don't worry about me.
I've got plenty of options!

Always have a backup plan -

that's what they taught us
in the TA.

Here we go, look.

I'll go and speak to
my mate Don in London.

He says he can get me work
any time.

Well, that's great! Y'know,
the London plastics scene is...

I'm not doing plastics!

Why would | go to London
to do plastics?

So what are you going to do?

Comedy.

What?

Stand-up comedy.

He runs a big, massive club,

says he can get me a slot
any time.

I'm going to be famous, Mike.
What do you think about that?

That's great, Geoff.

Just don't try and tell 'em
Mau Mau.

Get out!

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- Don, it's Geoff here,

Geoff Tipps from TA.
You remember?

I'm on me way to London now.

I'm coming down
to make me fortune.

I've been working on
me comedy act, and I'm all set,

so get me booked in at your
club and I'll see you tonight.

Get the beers in! 'Ey,
why don't | meet you at, Say,

London station at half past?

Or... Or teatime.

I'll see you, anyway.

Go down to Euston Square and
jump on the Metropolitan line,

change at Baker Street
and then get off at Kilburn.

In fact, get on the Hammersmith
& City line to Paddington,

then switch to the, er,

Bakerloo line northbound
and get off at Kilburn Park.

Right. And that'll bring me out
in London, will it?

- You're in London now.
- Oh, yeah.

Er, all right.
Well, thanks for the lift.

Yeah. Good luck
with your comedy act.

- Thank you.
- You're gonna need it.

This is Johnny.
He has no friends or legs.

Why do you hate me so much?

I'm no different to you.

I'm stronger than Superman,
In my own way.

(LAUGHS) How can you
be Superman?

You can't even walk,
never mind fly!

You're supposed to
freeze there.

- Yeah.
- You didn't do it.

| just did.

What is it?

- "But I'm flying..."
- But I'm flying in here.

| can do anything | want
in here - go anywhere,

be...

.. anyone.

My heart isn't disabled,

and you can't take that
away from me.

Who says that | can't reach...

... for the stars?

Dave, do you think

the Stick of Ignorance
should be yellow?

- Er, dunno.
- | just think it might help

clarify the character,
you know, the whole

- yellow-bellied coward thing.
- Yeah, whatever.

What about my character?

It's good, but I'm finding it
hard not to hate you.

It's all a bit preachy
at the moment.

Maybe if you added a stutter
or a twitch or something,

it might help you be
a bit more sympathetic.

Oh, so being paraplegic
isn't quite enough?

Phil, the play isn't just
about paraplegics

but all kinds of handicapped.

That's why it's called
Vegetable Soup.

| still don't think
that's right.

Fine! I'll change it back to
Joey And The Wheelies.

Now, listen, guys,

| had some more thoughts
about this extended improv.

- BOTH: Oh, no!
- I'm not doing that, Ollie.

- What?
- Pretending to be disabled

all afternoon. I've got to
meet my friend for lunch.

That's the whole point
of the exercise,

Phil. Real disabled people
can't just meet each other

- for lunch, can they?
- Yeah.

Why do we even have to
do the exercise?

Duh! Stanislavski?

Method acting?
What's your emotional memory

of someone else
wiping your bum?

- Ooh, don't ask him that!
- Look,

if we're going to understand
these characters,

we have to
get under their skins.

Just be grateful we're not
doing my play about eczema.

- What was that called again?
- ScratchPatch.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, what do we have to do,
then?

Yes, you, Phil,
are going to have polio,

and you, Dave,
you're going to be deafblind.

- What?
- Deafblind. It's all one word.

It means you're deaf
and you're blind.

Why can't Phil be deafblind?

Cos I've got polio.

Well, I'll have polio, then.
I'm not bothered.

- You've lost your tongue!
- What?!

You're mute, as well.
How do you like that?

- Oh, come on, Ollie!
- Mph-mph-mph!

And you can make a start
by doing the get-in.

In character, please!
And make sure he doesn't speak.

You've got to find other ways
of communicating now, Dave.

(IRISH ACCENT)
Here we go, Geoffrey.

Welcome to
the Salmon of Knowledge.

Y'know, | was beginning
to think

- you'd got cold feet there.
- Oh, no, no.

| was just doing
a bit of sightseeing.

Y'know, St Paul's and all that.

Ah. So you've packed in
your wee job, have you?

Yeah, the whole world
of plastics, it's just so...

...see-through. Anyway,
this is where | want to be,

y'know, in front of that crowd,
getting that buzz.

- Is this the way to the stage?
- (CHUCKLES)

This is the stage.

You're on it.

What, this? This is just
a room above a pub!

Well, you've got to start
somewhere, Geoff.

| Know, but | thought it'd be
like The Good Old Days,

all people with hats on,
an’ that.

We get some pretty important
people through here, y'know,

- directors and such.
- Yeah, like who?

Ollie Plimsolls.

- Who?
- All I'm saying is, Geoffrey,

if you want to get
your wee face on the tellybox,

you've come to the right place.

Oh, no signal!

Oh, God, | hate London
sometimes, | really do!

If it wasn't for, like,
Camden and Starbucks,

I'd be like, "Bye-bye, England,

"you are the weakest link." Do
you know what | mean by that?

- | think so.
- Sometimes | think,

"Go to India, Tish, and live
on a kibbutz or something."

- You mean Israel?
- Yeah.

But with all the bombings
and shit...

That's pretty!
How much is that?

35 squids? Piss off!

You can get these in India
for, like, 1p, “2p or something,

so cheap. Camden's
such a rip-off. | love it.

Can you smell spliff?
Anyway, you, how are you?

| ain't seen you
in the longest.

Is Tish not your fwend
any more?

Oh, I'm sorry, Tish, I've just
been a bit low recently.

Oh, | love gay guys!
You're so vulnerable

and yet not at all threatening.
Do you know

what | mean by that? So,
come on, how's your love life?

(LAUGHS) Nonexistent.
Since Rob and | split up...

Ooh! Now, before | forget -

and | really want to hear
this story, Phil - could | be

a real pain and bum a ciggy
off you? I've run out of skins.

- | don't smoke.
- Oh, yeah,

course, that's the other one.

It's just that I'm blobbing
at the moment, so it's like,

"Gimme nicotine,
gimme caffeine,

“chill out, babe!" Do you know
what | mean by that?

Aw, | love gay guys!
You can actually

talk about blobbing
and boys and shit,

and it's just like
you're with a girlfriend.

So, come on, then,
anyway, gOSSs, goss, goss?

Oh, nothing. I've just found
it hard since Robert left.

Oh, darlin’, don't!

Come here, let me give you
a shnuggle. Mwah!

Me wish you was stwaight man.

Me would go to bed wiv you
and have your babies.

Hey, what say we do
the whole Bridget Jones thing,

order a bottle
of red Chardonnay

and slag men off all day? Yeah!

| can't, | can't. I've got to
get back to work.

- Oh, bo-ring, bo-ring!
- (PHONE RINGS)

Is that my mobie?

Oh, it's my friend Scott.
I'd better get it.

We've been playing
text tennis all week.

Hi, Scott, babes!

He's gay - you can fuck him.

Oh, where am /?
Where are you?

I'm outside Bruce's,
at the lock.

I'm with my friend Phil.
You know, the actor?

Yeah, that's him.

Scott saw you die
on Family Affairs.

Oh, don't be nasty, Scott!

Well, that's the television -
it adds ten pounds!

He does not!

Scott says you look like
that queer off Gimme Gimme.

| love that show.

OK, well, come and have a look,

but you've got to bring
a straight guy for me.

Where are you, then?
Oh, | see you.

Whoo-hoo! I'm so jel

of you gay guys - you can all
sleep with each other

and there's no consequences.

Well, that's the beauty of
Camden - you're allowed to be

different, you know,
an individual. Mwah, mwah!

Mwah, mwah!

Oh, mwah, mwah!

Now, this is my friend Phil.

Oh, shit, man, where's he gone?

# Gordon Brown taxes the poor

# Gordon Brown
He's such a bore

# Biting his nails

# Decentralising Wales

# His budget fails

# Poor Gordon Brown. #

I'm the boss, I'm the boss,
I'm the boss...

Skits-o-Phrenics there,
ladies and gentlemen.

God, your face in the Posh
& Becks! | nearly went!

- | know, it was corpse city!
- A lot of pros in tonight.

Really? | thought it was
more Joe than trade.

- No, no, they papered it.
- Was it papered?!

Well, you Know who that was
on the front row, don't you?

- The one in the black coat?
- Yeah.

Jed Hunter.

- No?!
- Didn't he direct

- those Greenwood's ads?
- Yeah!

"Skewed beef, anny one
got anny bokkle oran dove"?

- Yeah!
- Yeah, front row.

Oh, no, don't tell me that!

You'll be fine!
It's a really friendly crowd.

OK, next up tonight,
an old mate of mine,

a very funny man.

You're going to love him.

Please give it up big time
for Geoff Tipps!

(CHEERING)

Just...sort this out.

God, who's been stood here?
Bloody...Giant Haystacks?

Me old mate Don Lynch there.
Eh, Don?

(QUIETLY) Bummers are deaf.
Got him!

Anyway, as he said,
me name's Geoff Tipps.

First time in London,
Londinium, the Big Smoke.

And it's weird,

you can tell there's money
in London. Can't you?

As you drive down the motorway,

all the cars get bigger,
don't they?

- (LAUGHTER)
- Not like Royston Vasey,

where I'm from. In Vasey,
even though the cars are small,

all the blokes think
they're driving Range Rovers.

You get these big blokes

riding round in their
Reliant Robins, y'know,

the window's wound down,
they're stubbing their fag out

on the girlfriend's arm,
there's a tattoo

and the radio's blasting out,

and it's like...

- (SILENCE)
- No?

Not noticed?

Never mind. Maybe you've
never been to Vasey.

What else?

I'm sweating.

‘Ey, the people in London!
Have you noticed 'em?

Well, you are them, but...

It's funny...

Not to you, but...

What was | saying?

Oh, yeah -

the Tubes, the Tubes!
There's like a law

on the Tubes, in't there?
Can't look at anybody.

Eh? "No smoking." "No staring."
"Don't look at me, | might

"turn to stone!" Medusa
sat there, or something.

It's that divide, in't it?
Northerners...

...are generally more friendly
than you lot.

For instance, all that Reliant
Robin stuff | did just then,

they'd get all that. They'd
whoop and cheer. But you lot,

you're more like, "Oh, no,
I'm not sure about that.

"Is that the best he can...?"

You need Doris Stokes to get
through to you lot, don't you?

Is there anybody there?
Knock three times.

(THREE KNOCKS)

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

Clever, London people,
aren't yer?

(SILENCE)

What do you know about Reliant
Robins? Big mistake, that, Don.

All that Reliant Robin stuff -

big mistake.

He said you'd laugh at that.
| Knew you wouldn't.

So, er, why do you bother?
Why do you bother coming out

if you're not going to laugh?
What do you think?

"Ooh, | fancy
a really quiet night tonight.

"| could go to a library,
go and sit in a graveyard.

"Oh, no, I'll go to
t'Salmon of Knowledge,

"cos that Geoff Tipps is on,
Don's mate

"from Vasey."
It's easy, this,

in't it? Any of you

could do this better than me.
I'm just crap.

- Get off, then.
- Yeah, don't worry, | will.

- Hooray!
- Oh, fuck off!

Yeah, where are you going?

Skewed beef, skewed beef!

Oh, is that it? You've seen
enough, have you,

Mr Director Man?

Can't be bothered to wait till
the end. I'm that shit, am I?

Aye, it's a shame
for him, innit?

Well, I'll tell you what -
you fucking do it, then,

Mr Talent Spotter Advert Man!

That's right, go and make
more money for yourself! Go on!

Oh, yeah, yeah, turn the lights
off! Send him back!

Get rid of him! Yeah,
very clever. Are you pleased?!

(SILENCE)

Geoff Tipps,
ladies and gentlemen.

You know, he got a telegram
from the Queen the other day.

His jokes are exactly
100 years old today.

(SILENCE)

(SOMEONE ENTERS NEXT ROOM)

(BATHROOM DOOR OPENS)

(ZIP UNDONE)

(SPLASHING AND GROANING)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(FOOTSTEPS LEAVE BATHROOM)

WOMAN: You going to bed now,
love?

MAN: Yeah. Night-night.

- WOMAN: Night-night.
- Night-night.

BOTH: Night-night.

Reception.

Hello. How much is it
to make a phone call?

Local or national call?

National.

£2 a unit.

What about local?

£2 a unit.

What's a unit?

£2.

All right, go on, then.

(PHONE RINGS)

- (SPORT ON TV)
- (PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Don! It's me, Geoff.

Hey, Geoff.

What you doing?

Just having a curry in me bed,
a glass of champagne.

Ooh, sounds good.

Listen, Don, I'm sorry
about the other night.

| don't know
what went wrong there.

| probably shouldn't have done
all that Reliant Robin stuff.

Ah, don't worry about it.

Oh, thanks, Don.
You're a good friend.

Can | borrow some money?

What?

Money! | need money.

Everything's too dear
in London.

This is costing me £2 a unit.

Er, listen, Geoffrey, you need
to find yourself a wee job.

| can't. | haven't got
any skills.

Well, look, can you drive?

That's not a skill!

It is to me.

I've just bought meself a car
for the wife,

a surprise birthday present.

| need somebody to go down to
Ilford and pick it up for us.

There's 50 quid in it for you.

Oh, no, it's miles away,
though, innit?

MAN NEXT DOOR:
Well, it's not that far.

WOMAN: Yeah, and it /s 50 quid.

Yeah, you're right.
Go on, then,

- give us the address.
- OK.

Right, here we are, then,
three disabled people

in a world which is geared
toward the able-bodied.

There's nothing wrong with you.
What's your disability?

I've got ME. I'm really tired.

So what | want to do is take
a look at the positive aspects

of disability. There may not be
any, | don't Know, but as far

as | can tell, there's a lot
of negative connotations.

DIS-abled, Down syndrome -
why can't it be Up syndrome?

Because it was discovered

by John Langdon Down
in the late 19th century.

Yeah, well, he's done
a lot of damage.

The first part of the exercise
is to see how well we cope

with everyday situations
such as shopping.

Dave, you can't see, you can't
speak, you can't hear.

Go in there and buy yourself
a cream cake.

So, what, you want me to
bump into a few things and make

- a total dick of myself?
- Partly, yes.

So just go with the flow, Dave,
stop blocking the improv.

You're not taking me in?

Too much hassle.

- Can | help you, love?
- Er, yes, please. I'd like...

- He can't hear you.
- Eh?

He can't hear you. He's
deafblind. It's all one word.

OK. Lesley!

Have you got
them Braille menus?

Don't help him!
| want him to struggle.

He's got to come in
for a cream cake

and leave with a sausage roll.
That type of thing.

So he wants a cream cake, then?

| don't know. He might do.
He can't speak!

Well, he can point at it.

No! This wouldn't happen.

- What are you pointing at?
- Cake.

How do you know? How do you
know what a cake is, even?

You could be pointing
at a brick or a hat

- or something.
- Because this is a cake shop.

Excuse me, is there anyone here

with the bloke
in the wheelchair?

Yes, | am.

Well, he's just fallen
onto the pavement.

- He's all right. Leave him.
- No, he don't look all right.

(SIGHS) Stay there, you. And
don't you sell him anything!

Get out the way!

Cream cake, love?

Yes, please.

Phil, on your feet.

- Fallen!
- What?

Fallen on the floor!

Talk properly! He's only just
started doing this.

Yeah, look, if you give me
a hand to pick him up...

Leave him! He's only acting.

- Bloody good actor, isn't he?
- He's not.

- Get up.
- Ow!

This isn't your exercise, Phil,
it's Dave's!

What's happening?

Oh, what you doing?
Give me that cake!

- Ca-a-ake!
- Is he all right?

Yes, he's fallen out of his
wheelchair and he won't get up.

Help me!

No! You can stay there all day,
as far as I'm concerned.

I'm sick of pushing you
in that thing, anyway.

Wait, you ain't gonna
leave him?

- He can walk, you idiot!
- You're not leaving him.

Listen, pal, unless you've read

The Uses Of Improvisation
by John Hodgson,

| suggest you keep your
fat, broken nose out of it!

- Ollie, why did you say that?
- | don't know.

(DAVE LAUGHS)

- Go on, my son!
- (LAUGHS)

Yeah, I'm just outside
the hotel now, Don.

I'll drop it off
later this avvy.

Ah, good man. | owe you one.

Actually, the wife works
down in Threadneedle Street.

It's not too far

from your hotel. Why don't |
meet you down there about four?

Yeah, all right.

Don't let anyone see you. It's
to be a surprise, remember.

- Geoff?
- I've gotta go, Don.

I'll see you later.

Mike, what are you doing here?!

I've come looking for you.
What's all this with t'car?

Well, I've just picked it up
from a showroom.

- What are you doing here?
- Bloody hell!

You must be making some money,
then! | can't believe

- you've actually done it!
- Don't sound so surprised.

- Greasy fingers!
- You've not been here a week!

There can't be this much money
in stand-up comedy.

Yeah, but...there is
in adverts.

You're not doing an advert?!

1am. With that, er...

...Ned Huntam, that directs
all them Greenwood's ads.

What, not "Skewed beef,

"anny body got
anny bokkle of oran dove"?

- Yeah.
- So if you'll excuse me,

Mike, this is London

and I've got loads to do.
That was me agent.

She's faxing me
some emails, so...

So...

...what, you've got an agent?!

Yeah. Agent,
promoter...all sorts.

| told you I'd get me face
on the telly, didn't I?

But how come they've got you

staying in this shithole
if you're doing so well?

They've booked me a room here
to come and write.

You get all the paparazzi
otherwise.

You've got to come to places
like this

to keep out of
the public...glaze.

I'm not even booked in
under me own name.

| get given a soodolym.

Oh!

Your key, Mr Tipps.

Obviously, he knows who | am,

from my credit cards, an’ that.
What do you want, anyway?

God, well,
it's irrelevant really,

- in the light of all this.
- What?

| was coming to offer you
your old job back.

Checking out today, sir?

Yeah, | think so. What?

Yeah, it's Brian. He's done a
runner on me, so I've ended up

- aman short.
- Oh, well, I...

Jesus, Geoff!

As if you'd bloody bother
with plastics now. Look at you!

- | know.
- Your bill, sir.

You want to know
the most pathetic thing?

What?

| was going to give you
a company car to try

- and bribe you back.
- You were?

Brand-new Polo.

- GLX?
- Yeah.

Anyway, when can | come and see
your act? Are you on tonight?

Yeah, | am.

Oh, no, I'm not!
Well, | am,

but they've, er,

papered it, so it'll be
more Joe than trade,

- SO...
- Yeah, well,

we'll have to wait till you're
on telly, then, won't we?

Don't forget your bill.

Jesus, how much?!
Ooh-hoo, different world,

innit? There you go.
See you, pal.

‘Ey, don't forget us
if you ever come back up north,

will you? Ta-ra, Geoff.

So you are a famous man,
then, Mr Tipps?

No.

- (LAUGHTER)
- And you see these big blokes

riding round
in their Reliant Robins,

and they've one arm
out the window,

the radio's blasting out,
they're stubbing their fag

out on their girlfriend's arm,
and it's like...

- (LAUGHTER)
- What else?

- Yeah, the Tubes! The Tubes!
- (CHEERING)

There's like a law
on the Tubes, isn't there?

You can't look at anybody.

"No smoking." "No staring."

"Don't look at me,
| might turn to stone!"

Medusa sat there, or something.

(LAUGHTER)

And what about
the price of ale?

£5.80?

It'd be 2.10 in Vasey Con Club!

(LAUGHTER)

You know, ladies and gentlemen,
it's funny you're laughing now,

because the first time | did
this act, it absolutely bombed.

- (EXPLOSION)
- Argh!

TV: The car bomb exploded
just after the rush hour,

but, miraculously, no-one
was seriously injured.

The police have so far
confirmed that there was

no coded warning, and
no terrorist group has admitted

carrying out the attack.
Now, the target

appears to have been
the Bank of England,

which is just around the corner
on Threadneedle Street.

DON: Actually, the wife works
down in Threadneedle Street.

It's not too far
from your hotel.

TV: ...two bombings
in the past ten years.

Well, we do know that
a silver Audi TT like this one

was bought from
a dealership in Ilford

by aman in his late forties.

Police have now issued
this Photofit.

MAN IN NEXT ROOM:
Ooh, God, he's ugly!

- Shurrup!
- TV: This man

they want to question
in connection with the bombing.

(GASPS)

(SIREN WAILS)

Oh! "Fat nose"?!

(DOOR BUZZER)

- MAN: What?!
- Is Don there?

It's six o'clock
in the morning!

| know! I'm...a man
and | want to talk to Don.

Don's gone.

He resigned two days ago.
Now piss off!

Oil

That's our van!

Dave, Phil, quick!

- What the...?
- (ENGINE STARTS)

Someone... Someone's
stealing Bessie!

(MUFFLED) Mike, it's me, Geoff.

- Who is this?
- It's me!

It's me, Geoff.

- Geoff! How's it going?
- I'm all right, I'm all right.

Listen, I'm going to be
back in Vasey for a bit

while | write some
new material, an’ that.

- Uh-huh.
- And | was just, er,

prepondering upon
that, erm, proposition,

y'know, that open vacancy.
Would that still be

- a valid consideration?
- What are you on about?

Can | have me old job back?

Oh, Geoff,

I'd be delighted. Brian's
gone completely AWOL now.

- | need you!
- Good, good. It's just that

| need to lay low for a while,
y'know, keep me head down.

| was talking to
that Lenny Henry about it.

It's always the best way

to get new ideas
for comedy, an’ that.

‘Ey, we saw you on the telly.

- What?!
- Yeah.

We had the sound off,
because we were having our tea,

but, er, it did look like
a very funny advert.

- GEOFF: Oh, no!
- (SCREAMS)

(GEOFF CRIES OUT)

(SIRENS WAIL)

Mike, | can still work
on Monday.

Don't try and talk, Geoff.

- You're going to be all right.
- You've suffered

serious facial injuries,
Mr Tipps.

I'm afraid we're going to
have to operate.

Watch his face -
he's an actor!

I'm sorry, sir, by the time
we've finished, not even

his own mother
is going to recognise him.

Oh, good!