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1
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,600
(SCREAMS)
2
00:00:16,80 --> 00:00:17,760
(SIZZLING)
3
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:54,560
Bollocks!
4
00:00:57,80 --> 00:00:58,80
(SIGHS)
5
00:01:00,80 --> 00:01:02,160
Yes, darling, can | help you?
6
00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:04,520
My grandson's looking
for something in particular.
7
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:06,320
Oh, yeah? Stag night, is it?
8
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:08,760
(LAUGHS) Oh, no, no!
He's eight years old.
9
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:10,560
It's his birthday today.
10
00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:13,800
Well, bugger me sideways.
Happy birthday, chief.
11
00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:15,80
I've got just the thing.
12
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,200
Finger in a matchbox. £2.50.
13
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:20,120
Oh, they used to have those
when | was a girl.
14
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:22,520
There's a hole in the bottom
you stick your finger through.
15
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,00
Not these, treacle.
16
00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,160
A mate of mine has contacts
in A&E.
17
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:27,320
Real fingers.
18
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,80
Oh, no,
| don't think that's suitable.
19
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,00
Foot in a shoebox - £3.99?
20
00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:34,280
- Come along, Francis.
- Here, listen.
21
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,920
If you want to get
the whole family laughing,
22
00:01:36,40 --> 00:01:37,280
this stuff is brilliant.
23
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,600
Three drops on the bog roll -
24
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:40,80
gives your mum cystitis.
25
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,440
Here, Grandma Moses,
are you broad-minded?
26
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,120
- I'm sorry?
- Are you broad-minded?
27
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:46,280
D'you like a laugh?
28
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,360
Well, | enjoy
The News Huddlines.
29
00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:49,880
This'll put a smile
on your face.
30
00:01:50,00 --> 00:01:51,840
Three speeds. Squirting action.
31
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:53,160
£21.99.
32
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:54,640
Well, really!
33
00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,200
All right, £17.50,
but don't tell your mates
34
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,160
down the old folks' home
or they'll all want one!
35
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,560
(CLEARS HER THROAT) | think
we'll go to Beatties instead.
36
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,360
You are disgusting, sir.
37
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:03,800
Disgusting!
38
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:04,920
Jesus.
39
00:02:05,40 --> 00:02:06,840
Some people ain't got
no sense of humour.
40
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:10,800
Oy vey!
41
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,00
(CLEARS HER THROAT) Erm...
42
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,760
- ..£17.50?
- Yeah.
43
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,40
All right.
44
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,200
But | shall need the batteries
as well.
45
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,360
RADIO: This one's going out
to Charlene Gustard
46
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,280
on the Carol Lee Scott ward.
47
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,200
She's 14 years old today
48
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,800
and having a termination.
49
00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:48,120
Here's the Bay City Rollers
and Bye Bye Baby!
50
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:49,440
(MUSIC PLAYS
THROUGH HEADPHONES)
51
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:50,480
Well, I'm surprised to hear
52
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:51,720
you've changed your mind,
Lance.
53
00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:53,880
When | last made my offer,
you were dead against it.
54
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:56,560
I'm desperate, Mike.
55
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,200
| hate this unidextrous life.
56
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,520
Book me in now.
Stick me an arm on!
57
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,440
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
press pause, rewind, sunshine!
58
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,520
- It's not that simple.
- Why not?
59
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:06,800
You got friends here, ain't ya?
60
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,160
You said you could help me
jump the queue!
61
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,760
| can.
But we have to be very careful.
62
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,760
My doctor chum has
a reputation to protect.
63
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:16,00
Besides, there are all kinds
of technical considerations -
64
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,360
donor availability,
tissue typing,
65
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,120
theatre access.
66
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:21,760
How about Wednesday?
67
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:25,200
What's going on?
68
00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:26,960
Keep it down. We're almost in.
69
00:03:27,80 --> 00:03:29,200
It's like
Escape From bloody Colditz!
70
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:30,800
| told you
we had to be discreet.
71
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:32,480
Well, this is all above board,
ain't it?
72
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:33,760
Oh, yes, just...
73
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,00
...treat it
as your own personal Bupa.
74
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,280
| won't do it, King.
| tell you, | won't!
75
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,520
Oh, but you will, Dr Wesley.
76
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,240
You wouldn't want the GMC
to find out
77
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,680
about those kiddies' kidneys
in your lock-up.
78
00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:50,360
Three chest freezers,
full to the brim -
79
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:51,960
and not with garden peas.
80
00:03:52,80 --> 00:03:53,640
You swine, King!
81
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,800
They're specimens
for legitimate research.
82
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,160
Tell it to the judge.
83
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:58,800
- Everything all right, Mike?
- Uh, yes, yes,
84
00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,920
we're just, um,
discussing procedure.
85
00:04:01,40 --> 00:04:02,400
Very well.
86
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,160
Let's put him under.
87
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:06,840
(GULPS LOUDLY)
88
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,240
Wesley!
89
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:19,800
Leave the model eye alone.
He's over here.
90
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:22,40
Hmm! (CHUCKLES)
91
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,720
Is that it?
92
00:04:34,00 --> 00:04:35,00
Well...
93
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,520
...| reckon that donor's
done me a real favour.
94
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:40,680
Whoever he was.
95
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,120
(CHUCKLES)
96
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,440
(CHUCKLING CONTINUES)
97
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:35,960
(LANCE GROANS)
98
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:38,520
Get well soon.
99
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:41,880
(DOOR SQUEAKS)
100
00:05:55,80 --> 00:05:56,680
(GRUNTS)
101
00:06:07,00 --> 00:06:08,00
No.
102
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,280
No!
103
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:16,640
Nooo!
104
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:17,760
(SHOUT ECHOES)
105
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,520
| Know you're in there,
Mrs Airey!
106
00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,00
It's no use pretending.
107
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,560
(PANTS)
108
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,640
Where the hell have you been?!
You know this is important.
109
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,800
| thought | heard
an ice-cream van!
110
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,920
(SIGHS) You do not want
to mess with Lisgoe, Barry.
111
00:06:38,40 --> 00:06:39,840
If things don't pick up,
we are out on our arses.
112
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,440
Oh, we'll be all right!
113
00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:44,400
Hey! Have you got them Quavers?
114
00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:45,720
(RUSTLING)
115
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:46,840
Ta.
116
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,360
It's JG Debt Recovery,
Mrs Airey!
117
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:52,280
You owe us six weeks
on that telly.
118
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,840
If you don't pay us,
we're gonna have to take it!
119
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,80
(MUFFLED) Maybe she's out.
120
00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,240
She's not out.
| can smell fried onions.
121
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,160
You don't have to pay
the whole amount,
122
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:06,920
just open the door,
we'll have a talk.
123
00:07:07,40 --> 00:07:08,680
She's not coming.
124
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,800
Will you shut your face?!
125
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,00
We can't just give up,
we've got to get the money.
126
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,160
Oh, | know, but I'm starving!
127
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:16,640
Let's go to t'Raw Egg.
128
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:17,720
Oh, for Christ's sake,
129
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:19,480
you only just scoffed
a mixed grill!
130
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,800
- Don't you ever stop eating?!
- It's them fried onions,
131
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:22,960
they've set me off.
132
00:07:23,80 --> 00:07:24,440
You know what I'm like.
133
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,80
Mrs Airey,
| don't want to have to use
134
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:27,320
unnecessary force!
135
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,120
Oh! No, don't say that, Glen.
136
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:30,200
You'll scare her.
137
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,00
Well, that's the idea, innit?
138
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:33,800
| know, but she's an old woman.
139
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,200
She's not.
She can't be more than 60.
140
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,40
Well, that's retired.
141
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,440
Well, it's not old these days,
is it? Look at Shirley Bassey.
142
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,280
Get off me fucking doorstep,
the pair of you!
143
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:48,680
Ho! Where are you going?
144
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,200
Well,
we don't want any trouble!
145
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:52,480
What you doing?
146
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,560
No, get off of us! Don't!
147
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,400
Don't do that!
You'll make her madder!
148
00:07:58,520 --> 00:07:59,440
Mrs Airey, if you don't pay,
149
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:00,640
we're gonna
have to take the TV!
150
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,40
MRS AIREY:
There's no television here!
151
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:03,840
- You've got the wrong house!
- You see?
152
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,920
She hasn't even got a telly.
Let's go!
153
00:08:06,40 --> 00:08:08,00
Course she's got a telly!
You can hear it!
154
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,480
Either that or she's having
David bloody Dickinson
155
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:10,640
for lunch.
156
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,280
Oh, come on,
I'll buy you a pasty!
157
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:13,320
(KNOCKING)
158
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,480
Don't, Glen, I'm telling you!
If Lisgoe finds out...
159
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,760
- Get out, get out!
- What are you doing?!
160
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,120
(POT SMASHES)
161
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:23,40
You great, fat, clumsy sod!
162
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:24,600
Now look what you've done!
163
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,520
It's not my fault I'm large.
Tell her, Glen.
164
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:30,640
He's a diabetic.
165
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,200
He's a big fat fucking bastard!
166
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:33,920
That pot cost £15!
167
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,280
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry's no good,
168
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,520
you big bloody ape!
| want the money.
169
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,520
I've only got a fiver.
170
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:43,960
(SNIFFLES) | was going to have
scampi for lunch.
171
00:08:44,80 --> 00:08:45,480
What about the other ten?
172
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:46,600
(CHUCKLES)
173
00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:50,840
Glen?
174
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,240
Bloody hell.
175
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:01,480
Now, piss off, the pair of you,
before | call the police!
176
00:09:05,00 --> 00:09:07,80
(SOBS)
177
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,960
You'd do well to cry,
Barry Baggs.
178
00:09:10,40 --> 00:09:11,760
You're gonna have to explain
that to Lisgoe.
179
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,720
It's not that.
180
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,800
| were looking forward
to that scampi.
181
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,360
(ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE)
182
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:21,600
- Oh! Oh, Mrs Airey!
- (BANGING ON DOOR)
183
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,320
Can you lend me
a couple of quid
184
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:24,520
for a King Cone?
185
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:26,00
No, wait!
186
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,240
Where are you going?
| told you to stop!
187
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,480
(BARRY SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
188
00:09:36,00 --> 00:09:39,600
You've got to realise, Lance,
limbs don't grow on trees.
189
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,240
We had to make a snap decision.
190
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:42,800
But the arm of a woman!
191
00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:45,680
- | know, | know.
- Why, Mike, why?
192
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:46,800
It's not even on right!
193
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,400
Look, you told me
you were desperate, pal.
194
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:49,520
A donor was available.
195
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:50,840
You'd have been waiting years
otherwise.
196
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:51,960
All right, all right!
197
00:09:52,80 --> 00:09:54,320
So cheer up.
Look on the bright side.
198
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,560
You can open a jam jar,
ride a bike
199
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,40
and hold your tiddly
in two hands.
200
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,280
Remember, any bother,
don't hesitate to call me,
201
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,00
day or night.
202
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,480
Apart from night.
203
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:06,920
Good luck, lad.
204
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,200
Sorry, force of habit.
205
00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:17,160
(DOOR SQUEAKS)
206
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,00
(GRUNTS)
207
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:43,640
Oh...
208
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:53,480
Right.
209
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:55,800
Off you go, then.
210
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:02,760
Oh, shit!
211
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:03,960
Oh!
212
00:11:04,80 --> 00:11:06,960
Blood and sand!
What's going on?!
213
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,960
Er, nothing. I'm all right.
214
00:11:10,80 --> 00:11:11,320
All right, Lance,
what's appertaining?
215
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:12,360
Keep away from me.
216
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,960
Nay, pal, you look to be
in some distress.
217
00:11:15,80 --> 00:11:16,360
I'll get yon key for you.
218
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:17,680
No, it...
219
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,200
By...!
220
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:22,680
Tha's got a lady's arm.
221
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:23,960
No, | haven't.
222
00:11:24,80 --> 00:11:25,120
You have.
223
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:26,840
‘Tis all girlish and fair!
224
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,00
Just help us
get this door open, will you?!
225
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:31,240
(SNIGGERS)
226
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:33,560
Come on!
227
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:39,600
You see,
228
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,40
the doctors could only work
with what was available.
229
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,200
I've been waiting so long
to be complete.
230
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:45,640
| understand, pal.
231
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,440
But it doesn't have to stay
that way. | can build it up,
232
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,280
work on it, make it do
whatever | want it to do.
233
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:52,840
Well, good luck to you, mate.
234
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,680
Tha's bound to have
a bit of teething trouble.
235
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,120
- (CHUCKLES)
- Cheers!
236
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,280
Oh, cheers.
237
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,840
So this is your first scan,
Barbara.
238
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,720
Won't be long now.
Have you felt it kicking?
239
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:07,920
Oh, yeah.
240
00:12:08,40 --> 00:12:10,560
Eh, and I've heard it talking
an’ all.
241
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:11,920
What?
242
00:12:12,40 --> 00:12:13,640
Yeah, it says things like,
243
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,920
"Let me out! Let me out!"
an’ that.
244
00:12:16,40 --> 00:12:17,360
Oh.
245
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,00
And speaking of which,
246
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:21,800
where /s it gonna come out?
247
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,320
OWEN:
One thing that's essential
248
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:27,320
before you start the embalming
is to give them a good clean
249
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,880
and then shampoo their hair.
250
00:12:30,00 --> 00:12:32,80
Wash & Go's the best,
in my experience.
251
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,40
It's quite appropriate,
| Suppose.
252
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,760
And then you plug the cavities.
253
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,120
But you have to careful
254
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,640
when you're pumping in
the formaldehyde
255
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,520
and the glycerine.
If you lose concentration,
256
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,240
then old man Steptoe there
257
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,320
ends up looking
like Action Man.
258
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:48,920
Or the Michelin Man,
as happened to me once
259
00:12:49,40 --> 00:12:51,40
when | got distracted
by Test Match Special.
260
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,960
Mm...
261
00:12:54,80 --> 00:12:56,40
Don't think it's easy, though.
262
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:57,520
My initial few days on the job,
263
00:12:57,640 --> 00:12:59,880
| could hardly keep
me Shreddies down.
264
00:13:00,00 --> 00:13:02,520
The smell of chemicals
and warm farts,
265
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,320
them all lying there.
266
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:07,40
Mr Fuller was very nice,
though. "Owen," he said,
267
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,400
"| was just the same as you
when | started.
268
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:11,40
"First one | had a crack at
269
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,160
“was pulled out of the Ouse
down by Selby Abbey.
270
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:15,200
"Belly blown up like a balloon.
271
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,680
"| stuck a scalpel in her,
all this gas comes out.
272
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,240
“The bobby on duty
at the autopsy
273
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:21,880
“filled up his helmet
with sick."
274
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,800
| had to laugh.
275
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:28,00
Mind you,
drownings is always the worst.
276
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:29,720
It's apparently
a very peaceful way to go,
277
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,320
but how they know that,
| can't think.
278
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:33,800
| mean, if you've drowned,
279
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,600
there's no way of letting on
how it went, is there?
280
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,880
Unless, of course, you go down
three times, like in the films,
281
00:13:40,00 --> 00:13:41,680
In which case you could have
a word with somebody
282
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:44,480
on the way back under.
Sort of like, uh,
283
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,480
"I'm drowning now
284
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,840
"and | wouldn't mind
being rescued,
285
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:52,160
“but | want you to know
that it's lovely."
286
00:13:55,40 --> 00:13:57,360
People always think you must
have a morbid sense of humour
287
00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,40
in a job like this,
but | don't know.
288
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,00
I'm very fond of Arthur Askey.
289
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,440
When you've been stood here
on a Christmas morning
290
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:09,40
with some poor woman screaming
and screaming and screaming
291
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:10,560
cos her kiddie's gone
under the wheels
292
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,00
of a Vauxhall Astra...
293
00:14:14,00 --> 00:14:15,880
..all the mystery
goes out of it, somehow.
294
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:19,560
No.
295
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,200
No God.
296
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,80
(LAUGHS) So,
| comes in one time,
297
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,680
there's a new fella here.
Young.
298
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,360
One of them things
in his eyebrows,
299
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:33,160
like the little silver balls
on birthday cakes.
300
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:34,920
| says, "Who's this?"
301
00:14:35,40 --> 00:14:37,200
Fuller says
they're "restructuring"
302
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,80
and this new lad, Tom,
303
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,880
IS going to be taking
some of the weight
304
00:14:41,00 --> 00:14:42,480
off my shoulders.
305
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:43,920
Well, I'm not happy, am |?
306
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,640
I've got a system.
| like things the way they are.
307
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:51,800
Tom's not a bad lad,
but he doesn't know a lot.
308
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,400
He says,
"You'll have to excuse me,
309
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:54,520
“Owen, I'm a bit green."
310
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,920
| says, "Well, you'll fit in
round here, then, won't you?"
311
00:15:01,40 --> 00:15:02,600
Then | comes in this morning
and...
312
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,80
...Fuller says,
313
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:06,840
"We'll have to let you go,
Owen."
314
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:09,920
| says, "Let me go?"
315
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,520
He said, "Yes.
316
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,760
“There's one or two questions
we're gonna have to ask.
317
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,200
“Tom's been keeping an eye
on you.
318
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,200
“There's things gone astray.
319
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:26,960
"Bits gone astray.
320
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:29,640
"And certain...
321
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,680
"activities been observed."
322
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,520
| said, "I'm paid
to plug their cavities."
323
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,920
He said, "Well,
not all of them, sunshine."
324
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:45,560
Is it wrong?
325
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:49,800
| dunno.
326
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:52,800
You know what they say.
327
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,600
The only things
you ever regret...
328
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,40
...are the things you never do.
329
00:16:03,40 --> 00:16:04,720
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
330
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:17,960
(SNORING)
331
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,880
(LANCE SCREAMS)
332
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,680
| look like Judy Finnigan!
333
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,120
Right!
334
00:17:14,00 --> 00:17:15,200
(BUZZING)
335
00:17:27,00 --> 00:17:28,840
| think
a celebration is in order.
336
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,960
(COMEDY SONG PLAYS INSIDE)
337
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,520
- POP: Thank you, Iris.
- (APPLAUSE)
338
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,440
The beautiful Iris,
leaving us there.
339
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:50,480
PATRON: Go on.
340
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,400
| have a real treat
for you now, gentlemen.
341
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,800
She is a new girl.
342
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,80
Please...
343
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,880
...give a big
round of applause
344
00:18:03,00 --> 00:18:04,360
for Queenie!
345
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:05,480
(CHEERING)
346
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:08,480
(UPBEAT MUSIC BEGINS)
347
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,00
LANCE: Hello, darling.
348
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,840
(CHUCKLES) Smashing!
349
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,760
Oh... (LAUGHS)
...don't mind if | do.
350
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:37,680
You know the rules -
no touching.
351
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,280
It wasn't me.
352
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:40,840
Right. That's it.
353
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:48,160
LISGOE: Right, you two.
This is the last chance saloon.
354
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:49,680
How much money
355
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,320
did you pair of clowns collect
last week?
356
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,200
- Er...
- Six pound.
357
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:55,440
Six bloody pound.
You only got that
358
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,480
cos it was down the side
of the sofa you brung in.
359
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,160
- Is there any sandwiches?
- Shut up!
360
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,120
Do you know
what your target was?
361
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:04,840
500 bucks.
362
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,600
Only 496 short.
363
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,440
Sorry, Mr Lisgoe.
We had a bit of tr...
364
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,40
| know what it is.
You're soft as bloody shite.
365
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,600
So we're going to have
a bit of retraining
366
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:13,960
or else you're out
on your arses.
367
00:19:14,80 --> 00:19:15,520
You - Fatty Arbuckle...
368
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:17,360
I'm not fat - I'm large.
369
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,680
- Right, here's 30 quid.
- Oh, thanks, Mr Lisgoe.
370
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,600
I'll go an' get some pop.
Do you want owt, Glen?
371
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,200
Pay attention,
you ignorant bastard!
372
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:24,600
We're role playing.
373
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:25,840
You owe that 30 quid,
374
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,480
and twinkletoes here is going
to try and get it off you.
375
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:29,800
Off you go.
376
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:33,960
(KNOCKING)
377
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,320
You got that money, Mr Baggs?
378
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,560
Yeah, here it is. 10, 20, 30...
379
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,200
No, no, no, no, you thick pig.
380
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,840
It's not as easy as that,
is it?!
381
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,00
Put up a fight,
like they do with you!
382
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:47,720
- Er...
- Just give us the money.
383
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,160
- No.
- What?
384
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:50,320
Come back Thursday.
385
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,360
We're not playing that now.
Just give us that 30 quid.
386
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:55,440
No, you can't have it!
Me mam needs an operation!
387
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,720
She's having her legs replaced!
388
00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,320
(BARRY LAUGHS)
389
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:03,880
Give me that, you stupid arse!
390
00:20:04,00 --> 00:20:05,360
This isn't your money.
391
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,320
It's just for the purposes
of this demonstration.
392
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:08,480
Now, you're the Joe,
393
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,480
and you owe Hammonds
30 quid on a Zanussi.
394
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,160
But I'm going to try
and get it off you.
395
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:13,840
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- But your job is to resist me,
396
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,520
and I'll show you
how it's supposed to be done.
397
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:19,40
Yeah. Well, you'll soon see
it's not that easy, Mr Lisgoe.
398
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:20,80
Oh, is that right?
399
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,200
Yeah, you've been sat
behind a desk too long.
400
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:23,440
- Have |?
- Yeah.
401
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,640
Barry. Just get on with it.
402
00:20:28,80 --> 00:20:29,80
Sit down.
403
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:34,160
Right. So, this is me house...
404
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:35,360
...all here.
405
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:39,280
Ooh!
406
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,960
Ooh, that's nice.
407
00:20:42,80 --> 00:20:44,200
I'm counting me lovely money.
408
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,520
- (BANGING ON DESk)
- Open this fucking door!
409
00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,760
Oh, don't you talk to me
like that.
410
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:52,520
You're not having this money
| owe you.
411
00:20:54,40 --> 00:20:55,480
- Ah!
- (METAL CREAKS)
412
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,960
Ho, ho, ho!
Where did they find you?
413
00:20:59,80 --> 00:21:01,80
Floating in the Atlantic,
blowing water out of your 'ead?
414
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,40
- You what?
- | bet you're saving up money
415
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,880
for liposuction, aren't you?
416
00:21:05,00 --> 00:21:06,400
Christ, they'd need a hoover
and six skips
417
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,200
to empty you out, ya lardy sod.
418
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:09,680
Are you as thick
as you are fat?
419
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,320
- (WAILS)
- If you think I'm leaving here
420
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:12,840
without that 30, you must be.
421
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,360
What kind of diseased prick
422
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:16,200
did you drip off the end of
anyway?!
423
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,880
- Glen, he's being horrible!
- Go on, give it here,
424
00:21:19,00 --> 00:21:20,840
you big fanny!
And | tell you what,
425
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,120
I'll take another instalment
while I'm here an’ all.
426
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:24,440
- You got the idea?!
- (WAILS)
427
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,800
Now get out there
and earn me some fucking money
428
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,00
or else I'll cut your fat. OK?!
429
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,120
Barry?
430
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:38,240
Right!
431
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:39,360
(KNOCKING)
432
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:42,320
(SOFTLY) Who is it?
433
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,360
We've come for your payment,
Mrs Halliwell.
434
00:21:48,40 --> 00:21:50,560
Oh, I'm very sorry.
435
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,880
It must have slipped me mind.
I'll get me purse.
436
00:21:54,00 --> 00:21:56,40
- You can have it now.
- Smashing, love. We'll just...
437
00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:58,280
Just give us the money!
Give us the money!
438
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,480
Give us the money!
Give us the money!
439
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,240
Give us the money!
440
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:05,920
(CHOKES) Lance, please!
441
00:22:06,40 --> 00:22:07,800
It's alive! Alive, | tell you!
442
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:09,400
l've told you before,
it's just a reaction.
443
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:10,840
Your mind's playing tricks.
444
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,320
Playing tricks?
445
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,920
| spent this afternoon
clamped to some blind bastard.
446
00:22:15,40 --> 00:22:18,00
We went down the library
and picked out talking books!
447
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:19,40
| tell ya,
448
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:20,280
there's something wrong
with this arm.
449
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:21,800
It's like it's possessed
or summat!
450
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,680
Don't be so daft.
451
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,160
Where did it come from?
452
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:26,360
It was donated.
453
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:27,800
You're lying! Tell me!
454
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:29,440
Let's just say
it was from a donor
455
00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:31,800
that forgot to fill out
the donor card.
456
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,880
Whose...were it?!
457
00:22:35,00 --> 00:22:36,400
| don't know.
458
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,00
| just pick the bits
out of the basket
459
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:39,360
by the incinerator.
460
00:22:41,40 --> 00:22:41,960
What?
461
00:22:42,80 --> 00:22:45,120
Well, it's a service.
They're only gonna burn 'em!
462
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:46,640
You've no records,
no documents?
463
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,40
What does it matter?
It's your arm now.
464
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,520
Don't go digging up the past.
465
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:52,960
We've a saying in Keighley -
when the shit's been shat...
466
00:22:53,80 --> 00:22:54,600
I'll shit you!
467
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:55,880
(THUMP!)
468
00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:59,640
(COINS RATTLE)
469
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:13,360
How very generous. Thank you.
470
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:14,480
Fuck off.
471
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,280
Ah!
472
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:19,800
(CHURCH BELLS CHIME)
473
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,160
Oh, Gawd!
474
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,800
| ain't saying no bleedin’
Hail Marys!
475
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:31,920
(GRUNTS)
476
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,280
Oh... Ah...
477
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,440
Jesus H Christ!
478
00:24:00,00 --> 00:24:01,560
(GRUNTS)
479
00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:05,160
(YELLS OUT)
480
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:13,760
(DISTORTED) What do you want
from me?
481
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,520
(ECHOING) | am your friend.
482
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,00
- No.
- Yes.
483
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,320
| desire only to help you.
484
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:22,880
You're not my arm!
485
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:24,960
lam.
486
00:24:25,80 --> 00:24:28,560
| belong to you
just as you belong to me.
487
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:29,720
No.
488
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:32,240
You're 'er arm. That nun's.
489
00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:34,720
Give in to it,
Lance Longthorne.
490
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:36,360
You are mine now.
491
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:39,760
Together
we will continue my work.
492
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:41,80
My work...
493
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:44,80
No! Oh! Ah...
494
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,600
- Oh.
- (THUNDER RUMBLES)
495
00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:52,920
I'm going mad.
496
00:24:53,40 --> 00:24:54,440
I'm cracking up.
497
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:00,960
OK.
498
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:03,760
Goodbye, Sister!
499
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:09,200
(LAUGHS)
500
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,320
(GRUNTS)
501
00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:22,120
- (SMASH)
- Oh!
502
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:28,920
(GRUNTS)
503
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:33,560
(GRUNTS)
504
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,240
Oh!
505
00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:41,400
No!
506
00:25:43,00 --> 00:25:44,440
(STRAINS)
507
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:47,400
No!
508
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,400
Oh... Oh...
509
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,400
- (FLESH TEARS)
- Oh...
510
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:55,280
(YELLS)
511
00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:10,640
What do you want?
512
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,440
How are you feeling?
513
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:15,840
Don't worry.
514
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:18,00
Your secret's safe with me.
515
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:21,840
Can | offer you a lift?
516
00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:25,680
Yeah.
517
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:29,640
Take me home.
518
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,40
So, have you got any new,
er, lines coming in,
519
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,160
any amusing jokes or tricks?
520
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:43,920
Have a look in that pocket
there.
521
00:26:48,00 --> 00:26:49,200
Open it, then.
522
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:52,400
What is it?
523
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,480
The Jolly Roger.
524
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:56,760
It looks like a cock in a box.
525
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:57,880
It is.
526
00:26:59,80 --> 00:27:01,680
Well, | was passing
the incinerator so, uh...
527
00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:06,120
(BOTH LAUGH)
528
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:10,640
Home, James!
529
00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:14,40
LANCE: Ta-ra, then.
530
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:19,360
(HORN TOOTS)
531
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:20,800
(PANTS)
532
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:23,840
Oh, no.
533
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:25,400
You're
gone!
534
00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:29,520
Stop it! I'm rid of you!
535
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:32,320
SISTER MCCLUSKY:
(ECHOING) We must save her!
536
00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:35,240
Yes! We must!
537
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:37,680
- But...but...
- We must save her!
538
00:27:40,00 --> 00:27:42,120
We must!
539
00:27:52,40 --> 00:27:53,480
Agh!
540
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:56,00
- (TYRES SCREECH)
- (SCREAMS)
541
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:03,240
(VAN CRASHES)
542
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:06,840
You saved my life!
543
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:10,00
He saved my life!
544
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:17,600
(PAULINE SOBS)
545
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:24,600
Perfect.
546
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:27,920
I'm perfect.
547
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:35,640
(SOBS)
34567
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