Original subtitles

(WIND WHISTLES)

(SIGHS)

BARBARA: I’ve heard of a shotgun wedding,

but this is ridiculous!

Hold still!

(BANGING UPSTAIRS)

Oh, my God, what's that?

David must be having trouble with his cufflinks.

They're very fiddly,

and | haven't clipped his nails yet.

- (ROARING UPSTAIRS) - Now, then,

that’s the something borrowed.

For something new,

you've got your new hairdo.

Over here, we’ve brought you someone old.

Er, shouldn’t that be some thing old?

Oh, dear.

Does that mean...?

(SHOP BELL RINGS)

Here we go, Tubbs!

Someone blue!

(SIREN WAILS)

(CROWD JEERS)

You're going to have to talk with them, sir.

Fuck off!

People are dying. They want answers.

Bollocks! Send Juliet Bravo down there.

I'm staying put.

We've had a tip-off about who might be behind it.

I'm, uh, sending two of me best officers to investigate.

Get these bastards off my back.

What we need is a little divertissement.

What's she say?

Something to take their minds off it.

Alice?

Yeah. What was the name of that theatre company

come here last year?

Legz Akimbo!

We're actors! We demand to be let through!

Just drive into them, Dave. They can't stop theatre.

Good girl, Heinz. Well done.

Ready for the off, eh?

That wing's fixed up nicely, ain't it, Vet'nary?

Yes. Any voles or mice out there in the field

had better watch out. She's as right as ninepence.

Now, | know you two have become rather attached, John.

| think it's only fitting

that you be the one to give Heinz her freedom.

Now, I've, er, given her an extra-long leash.

Bit longer than regulations strictly allow

but | thought we'd let her get the feel the wind

beneath her wings before we let her go.

I'll just call the sanctuary,

get the all-clear for the release.

Well, this is it, lass.

I'm going to miss you.

You've been a right good friend.

- Hello, Jean. - (BIRD SCREECHES)

No, it's all going swimmingly.

(SCREECHING)

He's here. Do you want a word?

(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)

What?

Yes.

Yes, | think we will have trouble separating them.

lris?

Oh, hello, Mrs Levinson. What a lovely surprise!

Well, | wouldn’t normally come in here, as you know,

but | wanted to remind you to come round

and wash the bedding this afternoon.

Yes, Mrs L.

Now, do you have retsina, Iris?

No, I'm just tired.

Never mind. | only popped in for a few essentials.

My cabinet's become oddly depleted of late.

Not the usual, mind. Rather the stuff at the back.

Cooking sherry, banana Bols,

even that bottle of advocaat that Eddie bought on holiday.

No?!

It’s a shame not everyone is as discerning

in their drinking habits as Eddie and |, isn't it, Iris?

| don't know what you mean, Mrs Levinson.

Oh, I've seen some of the people on your estate,

staggering round the car park of the Chained Bull

on a Saturday afternoon, half cut,

with the backs of their skirts tucked in their knickers.

Well, girls just wanna have fun!

Of course, it's a slippery slope

from there, isn’t it? Diamond White for breakfast,

making a pass at your son’s best friend,

waking up in a strange bed

with a lorry driver from Wetherby.

Halifax.

And before you know it,

you're slumped by the war memorial

in a pool of your own pee,

singing Lady Marmalade at the top of your voice,

never thinking your employer

might be driving past on her way to the sauna.

£32.50, please.

And you won't forget to hang the bedding out to dry,

will you, Iris?

Three sheets to the wind's your speciality.

Yes, Mrs Levinson.

(ANGRY CLAMOUR)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

You must understand...

...my feelings for you haven't changed

since the day we met.

But | can't stay.

(CROWD SHOUTS OUTSIDE)

(SHOUTING)

Not now.

You'll be all right, won't you?

VAL: He's gone!

HARVEY: This lock's been forced!

We must find him, Harvey.

He can't have gone far. I'm sure that...

Ohh!

Oh... Oh!

Oh!

(PANICKED WHIMPERING)

| don't like this, Harvey.

No! No!

| must clean it up, Val! | must!

(VAL WHIMPERS)

(TOAD CROAKS)

What fresh hell is this?

Oh...

Good afternoon.

- Benjamin! - What are you doing?

| might ask you the same question.

- Give that to me! - Uh, uh, uh!

(CROAKING)

Damn!

Hoist by my own pet toads!

Benjamin, why are you doing this?

Your plan to keep me here as some kind of pet!

Where's your evidence?

Is this true, Harvey?

The boy would have been happy here!

He has everything a growing boy requires.

Urgh!

You're insane!

And I've got you now, just where | want you.

(GUN CLICKS)

BOTH: Don't move, Benjamin,

or you're a dead man.

- Stop! Come here! - Come back here!

REENIE: Right, we're all clear upstairs, dear.

- VINNIE: All clear? - REENIE: Yeah, all locked up.

When are you next in, dear? Thursday, is it?

Oh, no, | don’t do Thursdays.

What’s that? You don’t do Thursdays?

No, I’m away on Thursdays. That Merrill does Thursdays.

Ooh, not that Merrill!

Yeah, never does the book, you know!

- She never does the book? - No!

I’m forever doing the book on a Friday.

That Merrill!

She was with the Spastics, you know.

- She wasn't. - Oh, yeah,

three years with the Spastics.

Yeah, well, | know for a fact that Sue Ryder wouldn't...

Oh, no, we're closed, dear!

We’re closing up, dear. It’s too dangerous!

Well, I've only come to collect a bag.

When did you buy this bag, dear?

| think it was on Thursday.

Thursday?

BOTH: That Merrill!

The lady that served you, did she have a lazy eye, dear?

Like an egg, dear. Shrivelled up, milky?

- She might have done. - She did!

Well, the lady said

she’ll keep it behind the counter for me.

What, down here, is it?

You see, we won't work Thursdays, dear.

We're i// on Thursdays.

Is this it, dear?

Yes! This is the bag!

Right, well, | shall have to put it in the book.

That Merrill!

I'll go and fetch you a bag for it. Need a big bag.

- There's a bag here, dear. - What's that?

There's a bag here in the bag!

It must be that Merrill!

She's put a bag in a bag to take a bag out in!

Well, will it fit, will it? She makes me sick!

She'll put a bag in a bag

but she won't put the bag in the book!

That Merrill!

I’m not bothered about the bag.

You may as well take it now, dear. You've paid for it!

| mean, I'll take the leather bag,

but I'm not bothered about this bag!

Well, which bag is it you want, then?

No, dear, she's bought this bag

but she doesn't want the bag for it!

There's no need to be rude, dear.

- I'm not being rude, dear. - You are rude, dear.

- I'm not. - If you don't mind,

I'll just take this bag.

Right, all right, £4, please.

| paid the other lady.

What, this lady? You got the £4, dear?

Not me, dear! Merrill!

That Merrill! It's not in the book!

Well, just put "one leather bag".

- "Leather bag," yes. - "Thursday."

- "Thursday," yes. _ "pa"

"£4," yes.

- That Merrill! - She makes me sick!

(THUMPS DESk)

- (SIRENS WAIL) - (SHOUTING)

Have you found out what it is yet?

Agh! Oh!

POLICEMAN: Right, now for the husband.

(SIREN WAILS)

MAN OUTSIDE: Open up! It's the police!

Mr Evans?! Gol!

Mr Briss! Hilary Briss?!

- What about the wife? - Yeah. Go!

Mrs Briss?

(MOOS)

(ALL COUGH)

Repeat after me.

|, Barbara Dickson...

|, Barbara Dickson...

...take thee, David Charles Tattsyrup...

...take thee, Charles David Tattsyrup...

...to be my local wedded husband.

...to be my local wedded husband...

...to have in the shop...

...to have in the shop...

...for ever and ever and ever.

...for ever and ever and ever.

Oh!

David...

... repeat after me.

|, David Charles Tattsyrup...

(GRUNTING AND SNARLING)

(LOW CHATTER)

(SNEEZING AND COUGHING)

I'm waiting for silence!

(CHATTER STOPS)

Thanks.

Good afternoon. We are Legz Akimbo Theatre Company

and we've been invited here this afternoon

to cheer you all up a bit

by doing some community theatre.

Now, "What's community theatre?"

Well...you lot are a community -

or you were until you all started dying -

and we are the theatre.

So it's community...theatre.

And the play we're going to perform for you today

is called No Home 4 Johnny,

and it's for and about...

... you lot. Homeless...ness.

- Phil. - Yeah.

Now, before we start the play,

we're going to do an exercise called Hot Seat.

This is the Hot Seat.

- What we mean by this... - (COUGHING)

Sorry, uh, yeah, Coughers' Union!

Do you want to do that outside?

It's just that we've got a contract here today

and if you speak or you cough,

you sort of break the contract.

So don't!

Sorry, Phil.

Yeah, we're going to do some Hot-Seating.

What happens there is we plonk a character

down here in the Hot Seat, and you can ask him

all sorts of questions about his life.

So I'm going to ask Dave to choose

one of his characters from the play.

Great. Which one?

Any one. They're all the same.

- Ollie! - Well, you know what | mean.

They're all of a type. Have acrack at Hobo Two.

- Yeah, I'm Hobo One! - Yeah, Whatever.

In your own time.

(SPLUTTERS)

Any questions?

- Phil. - What's your name?

Hobo Two.

- One. - One! One.

Where do you live?

Nowhere.

Where do you want to live?

House. (GRUNTS)

Have you thought about putting your name down

on local, erm, housing list? Or at least

contacting the council for shelter schemes?

OK, break it there! Good, Dave.

So you've met the actors,

you've learned a little bit about one of the characters,

you've met the writer, director, producer,

founder member of Legz Akimbo Theatre Company - me.

And what we're going to do now is take a short break.

| Know that you're starving to death, some of you literally,

so I'll let you get your free soup,

and we'll be back later on with our new play

- No Home 4 Johnny... - (COUGHING)

Oh, drop dead!

- Go, Benjamin. - Leave us in peace.

But...

Thanks for having me!

GIRLS: Go!

Well done, girls!

You saved us!

- Can | ask you a question? - Of course.

What goes from green to red at a flick of a switch?

Why, a frog in a liquidiser!

Wrong!

- A toad! - (TOAD CROAKS)

No!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(SHOUTING)

Piss off, you set of bastards!

You're keeping Tony waiting.

Yeah, all right, I'm coming!

Yeah, well, he's your friggin’ son-in-law.

Not yet, he isn't.

- All right, Tony? - Cheers.

So, | believe you went to see our Julie today.

Yeah, she's a lot better, actually.

They reckon she can come home by the end of the week.

All right, Tony, whose go is it?

Think it's Charlie's turn to ask us a question.

Come on, Charlie, get on with it.

Should've brought his glasses, Tony.

Eh, I'm not the one that needs glasses, Tony.

She's the one that needs glasses.

Too right, getting married to him!

| must've been blind, eh, Tony?

(STELLA LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Right, yellow - ancient history.

Charlie.

What is the world's oldest known vegetable?

Oh, that /s Charlie!

No, the answer is a potato. My go!

Hang on, we haven't answered yet.

One, two, three. Pink, please!

No, cheat! Don't play with him, Referee.

She said the answer, Referee!

Oh, he just can't stand it Cos we're us winning him!

- Pink? - Yeah.

Who is...?

Hang on, is this for a little bit of pie?

It's cheese.

- It's pie! - It's cheese, Stella!

Is it cheese or pie, Referee?

It's just an ordinary question anyway,

Well, come on, then.

Who is better Known as the Little Tramp?

Don't you dare, Charlie.

Ee, crimes, | Know this one an’ all...

Um...

- Five, four... - No, shut up, Stella!

- No, sorry! - No, shut up!

Two and one. Bada-boo! Time's up!

No, the answer is Charlie Chaplin.

No, Fatima Whitbread.

That's orange, you blind bitch.

Well, | haven't got me glasses on, have |?

| thought you didn't need glasses!

No, Charlie, it's you | don't need! Come on, Tony,

If we get this right we get another bit of pie.

Right, I'm gonna try and make it really hard, then!

Oh, where have | heard that before?

Look at him, all the blood's rushed to his ‘ead!

Stella.

It's the only place it does rush to these days.

All right! Here’s your question, then,

you stupid twat!

- Charlie! - It's all right, Tony,

she knows what she's doing.

It's only a bloody game!

Yeah, like being married to him -

Trivial Pursuits!

Do you want your question, Stella?

- Is it for pie? - No, it's for me!

Tell him yes, Referee.

Yes.

Stella...

...do you still love me?

That's too easy, Charlie. Ask me another.

- Oh, I've had enough of this! - No, | haven't won him yet!

You want to ask me a question!

Don't, Stella.

Come on, why don't you ask me?

Ask me! All right, then, I'll ask it meself.

"Stella, have you slept with other men?"

| can't answer that one, Charlie.

Ask Tony.

He might know the answer to that one.

Ask Tony!

Five, four, three, two, one.

We win!

| hate this game!

We still play it, though, don't we, Stella?

- Charlie... - Get out!

So...

...Was it him, then?

Who?

Charlie Chaplin!

Er...yeah.

Yes!

So, all set for the off?

Ja, ja.

I'm sorry Justin isn't here to say goodbye.

| don’t Know where he’s got to.

Oh, that's all right.

| was the same in my teens ages.

Boys will be boys.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Right, well, I'll just try and phone the council,

make sure the roads are all clear for you to leave.

Alles klar.

Yeah, I'll wait here, ja?

Ja.

(DISTANT SHOUTING)

(SLOW BREATHS)

See you next year, Justin.

Tschuss!

(SLOW BREATHS)

(SIGHS)

| love my little soaps, Iris. Eden au Lac, Montreux,

the Inn at Mystic, the Dan in Haifa.

Do you ever collect souvenirs of your travels?

Well, | once nicked some fanny rag bags

from Primrose Valley.

Just by keeping them in this little basket

reminds me of all the pleasures that Eddie and | have had

from the holidays over the years.

Of course, if your Ron

hadn’t spent so much time at Her Majesty’s pleasure,

you may have put away a bit more yourself.

Stealing women's knickers from wash baskets?

Were a mix-up at the laundry.

And remember when you had your mum staying

and she needed help being put to bed?

No-one expected Ron to jump in after her!

He said he just wanted a cuddle!

He’s not a sophisticated man, you must admit.

He looks like a shaved monkey in a tracksuit!

Mrs Levinson!

| always imagine him in a cage, swinging in a tyre,

chucking his shit against the wall!

At least my husband's still alive.

Take that back!

Yeah.

My husband's alive, unlike some people's

- | can mention. - Iris!

Mr Eddie Levinson, king of the carpet warehouses,

bought up one desanctified church

- too many, didn't he? - Iris, don't!

Bankrupt, health ruined,

dead of an 'eart attack at 42.

You're not playing fair!

Pretending he's still down the warehouse

when he's been stiff nearly 20 years?

(LAUGHS)

Foreign holidays?

You check in at the Royston Vasey Stakis

for a fortnight!

Your bikini's not seen the light of day

since the Winter of Discontent!

Stop it!

Lording it over all and sundry!

Thinking you're summat when you're nowt!

You...

... deluded, dried-up old witch!

With hot flushes

and nothing but a buzzing Philips Lady Shave

between your legs to keep you company

on a cold winter's night.

Agh...

| pity you, lady!

(GASPS)

Where does this leave us?

Three-all, | think.

(SOFTLY) Yes.

Oh, Mum!

(JUDEE SOBS)

There, there, flower.

- Ohh! Sh, sh, come on...

I'm not sure

this is such a good idea, Ollie.

OLLIE: The mayor's in. Looks like he's enjoying it.

This play's aimed at primary school children.

There's no age limit on dealing with issues, Dave!

(GEORDIE ACCENT) Me mummy and daddy

died when | was a little boy

so | had to go and stay with my bad uncle.

He used to come home

and burn the soles of me feet with cigarettes.

One day | decided enough was enough,

so | ran away...to London!

# Ding-ding, pop, stand clear of the doors, please

# Ding-ding, pop, pop Mind the gap!

# Ding-ding, pop, stand clear of the doors, please

# Ding-ding, pop, pop Mind the gap! #

- Taxi! - Stop, thief!

Haven't got time.

Don't have change!

Very soon, | found meself dossing on the streets

or in shop doorways.

It's not a bad life,

but you certainly get to know who your friends are.

Most of mine are dead!

| heard it was bad to give money to homeless.

They'll only spend it on drugs and alcohol.

We get this a lot. | don't take drugs

and | only have a drink at New Year's.

Although | don't know

what I'm supposed to be celebrating.

| saw a programme that said 99% of homeless

enjoy it on the streets, prefer life like that.

| don't know what kind of programmes

you've been watchin’, mate,

but | know where I'd rather be at night -

tucked up in a warm bed with a cup of hot chocolate,

not freezing to death on a park bench

with just a newspaper to keep us warm.

Come winter...

Whoosh-sh-sh-sh!

...you ask any homeless person,

no-one wants to be on the streets.

You're fired.

Ah, come on, | ain't had a smoke in ages.

Or food.

That's normal for homeless.

Sometimes we get found dead of starvation.

Nobody cares.

People need to see the magnitude of the problem.

Gie's a swig!

Leave me alone!

I'm going before this place turns ugly.

(ACTORS GROAN)

ACTORS: Spare any change, please...

- There he is! - Let's get him!

(ALL SHOUT)

Mind the costumes!

They've got to go back tomorrow! Oh, thanks!

(CROWD YELLS)

No...

Yeah, I'll give you a nosebleed, mate!

- (ALL SHOUT) - Calm down!

| will not lie to you.

In all honesty, in the sight of God,

this epidemic is over.

There is no more,

| repeat, no more nosebleeds.

(CROWD GASPS)

(ALL SHOUT)

- What's going on?! - The mayor is dead!

What? How?

Nosebleed!

You can't die of a nosebleed!

- What? - | don't understand!

The epidemic. Where've you been?

Wait!

Oh, my God!

There it is!

Thank you very much. Most kind.

Goodbye.

It's all gone very quiet, Edward.

| wonder how they're getting on!

Oh, come away, Tubbs.

Leave the young couple In peace.

Nature will take its course.

Well, no-one touched any of the dips!

Well, in the excitement of the honeymoon,

aman has an appetite for things other than food!

Do you remember our wedding night, Edward?

Yes. We closed the shop, danced naked in the moonlight,

and you gave me one of those... What was it called?

Precious thing?

Yes. And you know, Tubbs,

what thing has been most precious to me,

don't you?

Yes.

The shop.

Yes.

| hope David and Barbara will be as happy here

as we have been.

Well, it's their shop now.

What the...?!

Murderers!

(ALL SHOUT)

What's going on? What's all this shouting?

We'll have no trouble here.

Barbara! Come down! It's dangerous!

Eh? What are you on about?

They're the ones who've been poisoning us!

What?

Don't touch his meat!

Bit late for that. Hang on, I’m coming down!

What do they want with us?

| don't know, Tubbs!

The sale doesn't start till Wednesday!

Get 'em out! They're murderers!

Murderers!

Barbara, who are these people?!

Don't worry.

Just a bit of trouble with the locals.

What are you lot doing here?

What the bloody hell's going on?

Barbara, are you all right? What's happened?

Nothing yet.

This is meant to be my honeymoon!

(SCREAMS) What's that?

It's a monster!

Er, excuse me,

that's my husband you're talking about.

Burn 'em! Burn 'em!

No! No!

(ALL SHOUT)

- Burn 'em! Burn ‘em! - Darling!

No, Barbara!

(BOTH COUGH)

(ALL SHOUT)

(SHRIEKS)

Don't leave me!

Barbara, leave! It's too late!

MAN: Burn ‘em! Burn ‘em! Burn 'em!

(ALL SHOUT)

Oh-oh! Edward, why are they doing this to us?

| don't know, Tubbs! We've done nothing to them!

We've got to get out!

No! They'll tear us to pieces!

But | can't, | can't...

Tubbs!

We...belong...local!

Come.

Edward...

...will heaven be like Swansea?

Yes, Tubbs.

Only...bigger.

(BOTH SCREAM)

(CHEERING)

HERR LIPP: Oh, look, Kinder! A bonfire in Royston Vasey.

Real good treat!

(CARIBBEAN-STYLED VERSION OF THEME TUNE)