Original subtitles

(SHOP BELL RINGS)

Hello?

Oh!

Good morning.

Yes?

Um, sorry to disturb you.

| wondered if | could just pick your brains.

No, you can't!

| have a husband, you know.

It's just that I'm a bit lost. I'm looking for

Royston Vasey, but | can't seem to find it.

Lines and lines

and lines and lines and lines!

Yeah.

What do they mean?

Well, they're the roads.

They connect you with other places.

Local places?

Well...no.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

EDWARD: Hello, hello? Tubbs? What's going on?

What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.

Erm... Tubbs have nightmare. About new road.

(CHUCKLES) How many more times, Tubbs?

This is a local shop. Hmm’?

For local people.

The strangers cannot force a road upon us.

They simply would not dare. Now,

put it from your mind.

(RUMBLING)

(BOTH GASP)

(HEAVY VEHICLES RUMBLE PAST)

He's hardly touched his lettuce in weeks, Mr Chinnery.

Hello.

Hmm, he does look a little peaky.

Ah... Yes...

It's a particular form of pernicious anaemia

which affects the chelonian family.

If we had more time, I'd suggest moving him onto

an iron-rich diet, but, er,

it's quite serious, I'm afraid.

Oh, dear.

The best thing we can do

is to oxygenate his blood immediately.

- What's that? - It's compressed air.

Basically, a short, concentrated blast

should perk him up a bit.

I'll just put this funnel over his little head.

And | wonder if you'd be so good as to just

twist that little knob there.

- (GAS WHISTLES) - That's it.

A little bit more, Mrs Rains.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

And a little bit more.

We can afford to be quite bold.

(GLASS TINKLES)

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Was he very old?

(SOBS)

They offered me a C cup ora D cup,

but | don't think, with my shoulders,

a C would look owt on me, you know.

Besides, | want something in silk - French silk.

Something expensive.

| find that nylon chafes me nipples, y'know?

Morning, Uncle Harvey.

- Morning. - Morning, Auntie Val.

Morning, Benjamin. Please join us at table.

We haven't actually broken our fast yet.

We've been waiting for you.

Oh.

Yes, we've been waiting since 6.15, actually.

In this house, we usually rise at a reasonable hour.

It's just that when you said | could get up when | liked,

| thought it would be all right.

It's not a problem, Benjamin. Don't make an issue of it.

| still haven't met Martin. I'm a bit stuck now.

Maybe people get up this late in your house, | don't know.

We like to think of the morning as the better part of the day.

Perhaps you're a naturally slothful person,

sluggish and indolent,

a dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life

spreadeagled on pillows,

forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.

| just don't know.

It's only quarter past nine.

And already a third of the morning has gone,

- dissolved into the ether. - Yes, but that...

Never mind!

Never mind.

Well, | don't know about you, Benjamin,

but we like to start our morning with a glass

of fresh aqua vita. Would you care to join us?

Yes, mineral water'll be fine.

(LAUGHS) No, no, no. Not mineral water.

Aqua vita. Aqua vita!

The water of life.

It really is the perfect way

to set up your body for the day,

full of nitrates and enzymes. A natural antibiotic.

Auntie Val will fetch you a glass. You can...

- ...fill it now, if you like. - I'm sorry?

Fill it with your own feculence, as we do.

Fill it with my fecu...?

Micturate, Benjamin, micturate!

Pass water.

You want me to piss into a glass?

It's an aid to digestion, and so good for the skin.

Now, come on. On your feet! One mustn't be ashamed

of one's bodily functions.

No, no, | don't think | want to!

Let's get the little fireman out, shall we?

Oh!

Now, if you'd like to place the glass thusly...

...all you have to do is let yourself go.

In this house, we think of

a dripping tap or a babbling brook.

- Just let it flow. - No, | can't!

- Do you want a bigger glass? - No!

It's nothing to do with the size.

| don't want to, all right?

Oh, dear.

It seems

Benjamin thinks there's something odd

about drinking one's Own pee-wee...

...something unnatural.

Yes, | do!

Well, there are plenty of precedents

in the animal kingdom that demonstrate otherwise.

My toads, for example, will consume

almost three times their own volume in urine every day.

Perhaps you would mock the toad,

in his wisdom?

What is good enough for him is not so for you.

Well, the toad has been on this Earth

since the dawn of time, millions of years

before man saw fit to strut upright amongst the trees,

and | dare say he and his amphibian brethren

will outlast our own petty species

in the evolutionary battle.

So join me, then, and drink!

Drink! That we may become

more like him and his batrachian friends!

Or would you prefer tea?

£2.50, please,

for the Roundabout Zoo.

(GOAT BLEATS)

£2.50, please.

£2.50 for the roundabout.

No, thanks, mate.

But you... But you get a sticker.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- All right, Samuel? Hilary? - Maurice.

Why, these road fellas aren't wasting much time, are they?

Now, are you still on for this afternoon?

I've booked the table for one.

- I'll be there. - Aye!

Oh, and, er, Maurice?

Aye?

I've had a...special delivery.

No, Hilary.

I've told you. I'm not interested!

He'll come round.

| even thought about going to Casablanca to have it done,

but I'd have been butchered.

It happened to a friend of mine - Julia.

Besides, I'm not supposed to fly after the implants.

There's a danger of the bust imploding.

All right, Barbara?

PAULINE: Hokey-cokey, pig-in-a-pokey!

Good morning, jobseekers!

Now, then, it's been brought to

my attention that certain of the gents on my Restarts

have been taking the pens home with them.

Mm! Stealing the pens. Pauline's pens.

So | warn you now,

if it happens again,

| shall start chaining them to the tables.

And the pens!

That was a joke, Ross. Don't crack your face, will you?

Now, then, jobseekers,

we're thinking today -

do you remember? - about interview technique.

Mm? And what | want to do first is a little role play,

so if you want to make some space.

Well, come on, chop chop!

Pauline, when are we going to get on to the computers

and learn about spreadsheets, databases, something practical?

Piss off, Ross.

Right. Thank you, jobseekers.

Now, then, in this role play,

| am going to be playing an employer,

and I'm interviewing...

...Mickey, here, for a job.

What job?

It's shoving trolleys round Asda car park, Mickey, love.

| Know it's out of your league, but we're only playing.

So, come on,

| want to see you really sell yourself!

My name is Mickey!

Ooh, good morning, Mr Mickey.

Can you tell me, what was your last job?

Milk monitor.

And, erm,

what qualifications do you have?

I'm a good swimmer.

Uh-huh. And what other work

have you done, apart from milk monitor?

- Bugger all. - Language, Mickey.

What? Watch your language.

- English! - No, watch your language.

Ooh, never mind. Thank you very much. We'll let you know.

- Thanks. Did | win? - Yeah, you did super, love.

Right. Thank you, Mickey!

That was a perfect example, everybody,

of how not to conduct yourself at interview.

He slouched,

he swore, he came across generally

as aman who had shit for brains.

- Didn't you, cherub? - Yeah.

Right, jobseekers, what I'm going to do now is

| am going to show you the right way. Hm’?

| want someone in this room to interview me.

Any takers?

(CLICKS FINGERS)

Well, you disappoint me.

I'll do it.

Ross!

Well, thank you very much. In your own time.

Could | have the clipboard, please, Pauline?

Erm... Yeah. Yeah, you can, yeah.

And the pen?

Be very careful with it.

Ooh, | feel all naked.

- I'm glad you're not. - What?!

In your own time.

(BANGS FOOT ON FLOOR)

The door was already open.

Would you like to take a seat...?

Yes,

I'm sorry. No, Ross is quite right.

You're in the driving seat now.

| Know.

I'm getting these, Mike, we're celebrating.

Oh, thank you, Geoff!

So, have you set a date yet, mate?

No. Well, Cheryl's got to speak to her parents yet,

but it's going to be quite soon, | think, y'know.

Quick, or these'll get in before us.

Right! Erm, pint, please, Geoff.

- All right, er, Brian? - Just a Coke, please, Geoff.

- Eh?! - Er, lager.

Right. Three lagers, sweetheart.

And will you have a church do, or...?

- Well, to be honest... - Never mind all that.

That's the woman's job! First thing you've got to do, Mike,

is sort out your best man.

Oh, God, | haven't thought that far ahead, to be honest, Geoff.

Well, it's got to be one of us two, hasn't it?

You haven't got any other friends.

Thank you very much...!

We'll have to, er, draw straws for it, Geoff!

Eh?

We'll have to...draw straws, toss a coin or something!

You've got it all planned out, have you?

- No. - Keep your nose out, then!

Mike's my friend more than yours. Aren't you, Mike?

There's not a lot in it, to be honest, Geoff.

Brian said Cheryl looks like a moose.

He said, "| can't believe he's marrying that old moose."

| never said that, Mike.

Geoff did.

No, | said she looks about 100 years old.

| didn't say she looked like a moose.

Oh, Geoff, you idiot!

You're right, Brian.

We will have to toss for it.

Tubbs?

Tu-ubbs?

Tubbs!

London!

London!

London!

Give it to me, Tubbs.

No!

(YELLS) No!

You lied to me, Edward!

(SOBS) You lied to me!

There is a Swansea.

Nonsense!

And other places, too!

You kept them from me!

Yes, | kept them from you.

To keep you clean and pure and local.

What about new road?

What about it?

When new road comes, we can see these places.

- We can go! - Go where’?!

Plymouth.

Oh, oh! (WHIMPERS)

I'm going to stop your road, Tubbs.

Once and for all.

(SHOP BELL RINGS)

Eugh!

(BABY CRIES)

Yes, pal, can | 'elp you?

Oh, I'm just browsing.

Sorry, chief, didn't catch that.

I'm just looking around.

Straight out the door, turn right, up the high street.

I'm sorry?

That's the way to the bloody library, all right?

Isn't this the joke shop?

Two pairs of plastic tits in the window,

jar of fart sweets on the counter.

No, mate, it's the bloody butcher's.

Jesus Christ!

Yes, this is the joke shop, "shop" being the key word.

So if you've just come here to laugh

at the funny bumper stickers and the wind-up willies,

you can sod off out of it now, all right?

No, no, | am going to be making a purchase.

Well...

...whoopee shit.

What is it, then, squire?

- Stag night, is it? - What?

You got a stag night coming up? Want something a bit saucy?

Come here. I've just the thing.

- What about that? - What is it?

Well, sprinkle it in the groom's undies

the night before the wedding.

Gives him crabs.

Bloody crab's eggs, innit?

Hatch out in his bush overnight.

Next day, he's stood at the altar, missus next to him,

all he can think about is scratching his bleedin’ jewels,

cos they're crawling with bleedin’ crabs.

- It's blinding, innit? £4.50. - What?

All right, four quid.

No, no, I'm looking for something more...specific.

Oh.

- What about these? - What are they?

Hot sweets. Give 'em the best man before he makes his speech.

Hot sweets, eh? What's in 'em? Pepper?

Potassium.

Burns the roof of his mouth off, and his tongue.

Never talk again.

No, no. It's not the kind of thing I'm after.

All right, hold your horses, squire.

| Know I've got something for you.

What about this?

A couple of drops of this in the bride's champagne,

she'll piss herself.

What's so funny about it?

No, it don't make her laugh.

She pisses herself. Can't stop pissing.

It's a sort of muscle relaxant.

I've got a mate who works for a drugs company.

He knocks it up himself. 16 quid.

‘Ere, put your hand in there.

What's in it?

Go on, chief. It ain't gonna bleedin’ bite you.

- No, thanks. - Put yer hand in!

| don't want to.

You're not leaving this shop till you do.

- What?! - I'm not joking, squire.

You're not leaving this bloody shop

till you put your hand in that bleedin’ tube.

Please!

Put...your...hand...in!

Ah, it's not switched on.

(YELLS)

(LAUGHS)

It's good, that, innit?

Runs off a car battery. You can't buy 'em.

Jesus!

Some people ain't got no sense of humour.

Yes, pal, can | help you? Stag night, is it?

Er, yeah.

And, lo, the scales fell from Saul's eyes

and he finally saw the true light,

the way and the Lord!

At least, that's what it says here.

Lord, | am tired.

Well, so much for the road to Damascus.

What about the road to Royston Vasey

that we're finally getting? Hallelujah!

Let's just hope we don't get a visit from Pog or Loopy,

those soap-dodging road protesters,

driving round in their converted ice-cream vans.

Pierced belly buttons,

pierced eyebrows, pierced tongues...

| bet they'd have their arseholes pierced

if they could get their cheeks into the machine!

If | had my way,

I'd shepherd them all into one of their tunnels,

knock out all the pit props

and then see how they liked being close to the earth then!

Well, | welcome this road

and every blast of carbon monoxide it brings.

If God had meant us to walk everywhere,

he wouldn't have given us Little Chefs.

Hymn number 143.

Drive Them Unto Me, Thy Saviour.

(SNORES)

- Mm! Shot, Hilary! - Aye! It's a long time

since my championship days now, but I've not lost me touch.

It's, er, good to see all this activity on the road front,

in't it? Makes quite a change,

someone listening to the voice of the small businessman,

- just for once. - Not before time, Maurice,

- not before time. - (CHUCKLES)

- Oh! - (BOTH LAUGH)

You thought any more about what | said?

(WHISPERS) Hilary! Not here. Not now.

Now's as good a time as any,

- Maurice. - For God's sake, Hilary!

- I'm a magistrate! - So what?

There are all sorts on my list.

Ex-mayors, chief constables...

I'm not interested!

Go on.

Give it a go.

Hilary...put it away! Please!

I'm not touching it. It's yours.

Hilary!

Wasn't so difficult, was it?

Tell you what...

...that one's on me.

Just let me know how you get on.

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

And you're interested in the trolley job?

That is right. I'm very interested, yes.

| feel that my ability to work well as part of a team

and yet take individual responsibility

are important factors in a job of this nature.

What work experience have you had?

| left school early and started to work...

Oh, so you didn't go to college?

No, | felt that actual work experience...

So you have no qualifications.

Well, if you don't count

20 years in the employment service.

Well, no. No, | don't.

I'm talking about academic achievement.

Degrees, diplomas.

Oh, come off it, Ross.

Shoving a trolley round Asda car park?

A friggin' monkey could do it.

Would you say you're a fairly...

...egregious person?

What?

Are you an egregious person?

Do you have an egregious personality?

Erm...

Yeah. Yeah, | do, yeah.

All right, I'm going to say some other words to you now,

and | want you to reply

with the first thing that comes into your head.

- All right? - All right, yes.

- Home. - Royston Vasey.

- Family. - Dead.

Friends.

Pens.

No, friends.

Pens!

The best friends you can have.

Everything | know about people | learnt from pens.

If they don't work, you shake 'em.

If they still don't work, you chuck 'em away, bin 'em!

Really?

- Work. - Everything.

My work is everything to me.

- Love. - No.

There was somebody once, but...

And can | get your age, please, Pauline?

| think that's a lady's prerogative.

| need to Know how old you are for the records!

Well, let's say I'm as old as me gums and alittle bit...

- How old are you? - 48!

Thank you for coming to see us today.

Thank you very much. When do | start?

Oh...

Oh, I'm sorry, |, er, can't offer you this position.

You what?

Well...you failed the interview.

You strike me

as a bully.

You're ill-mannered, ignorant and foul-mouthed.

You're not qualified for this job.

And apart from anything else...

... you're too old...

...miss.

Sorry.

But | can...

(PEN CLICKS)

Good! Thank you very much!

| feel that Ross handled that situation very well.

Can | have me things back? Yeah, although it did

make me wonder how well he'd handle a situation

more like this!

(ROSS ROARS IN PAIN)

Oh, a bully, am |?

Foul-fuckin'-mouthed?

Well, you'll eat those words!

Egregious! Egregious! Egregious! Is this what it is?

Is this egregious enough for you?

Stop it, Pauline!

Stop it, you nutter!

(ROSS COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS)

Oh, Mickey...

What is egregious?

- (BABY CRIES) - Quiet!

(MOTHER SIGHS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hello?

(KNOCKING STARTS AGAIN)

Who is it?

GEOFF: Mike?

It's me, Geoff.

What do you want, Geoff?

What you doin’?

I'm on the toilet.

You haven't got Brian in there with you, have you?

What?!

Look...I've come to apologise.

I've brung you an engagement present.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm really sorry for what | said.

I'm happy for you. | love that Cheryl.

- (TOILET FLUSHES) - | don't fancy her, obviously.

She's really old-looking.

But you do, and that's the point.

So, you know, if you need anyone in the future, maybe...?

Yes, Geoff.

What?

Yes, you can be my best man.

Oh, yes! | can't wait to tell Brian!

All right, all right.

So, what's this present you've got me, then?

Oh, yeah.

Put your hand in there.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

(MACHINERY RUMBLES)

Stop! Stop the machine!

Pick her up.

What the hell is that?

(LAUGHS)