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Me and baby brother

Used to run together

Me and baby brother

Used to run together

Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah

Welcome one another

Headed for the corner

Hey, hey, yeah

Shiftin' on his mind Is like drinking funky wine

By the river

Chippin' on his mind Is like drinking funky wine...

Brothers for life.

- Marcus? - Mm.

Where are you going?

I'm getting out of here, man. My brother needs me.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

Look at the last email he sent.

"Wish you were here."

"Hit me up if you're ever in New York."

He's got too much pride to admit it, but this is a cry for help.

It feels like you're reading too much into this.

Why don't we see what Matilda thinks?

She says to follow your heart.

Thanks, Matilda.

Goodbye, Keith.

- Here. You take her. - Oh.

She's a very generous lover.

No, you keep her.

You're her rock.

Shit. Where am I?

Time for plan B.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no!

I know. I'm worried about him too.

Oh shit.

Whoo!

I'm coming for you, big bro.

- How do I look? - Hmm?

- I should be standing when they come in. - Uh... What do you mean?

These are big-time TV people, Mia. They care about image.

- Right. - What do you think about this?

Coat buttoned.

This.

Oh. Uh...

That... Maybe the legs closer together.

It's too much?

Okay, what if I stand, uh... sideways? You know, head down, thoughtful, solemn.

When they come in, I could--

Rudd... relax.

These people want you on their show because of who you are,

not how you look.

'Cause of the real estate business that you built from the ground up.

You don't have to put on a show for them. You are the show.

- Really? - Absolutely.

And, as your assistant, I have the best seat in the house.

Mia, I couldn't do any of this without you.

- Thank you. - There he is!

- Hey! - There's our superstar.

- Great to see you. - Wow.

Rudd, I forgot how humongous you are in person, brother.

Yeah, he's built like a duplex, isn't he?

Yes. I am terrified of you right now.

- Yeah, you're like a freak from a lab. - Yeah. Way too big.

Big ol' guy.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

So, uh, we gonna do this? Did I make the cut?

Why tell you when we can show you?

- Come on. Have a seat. - Yeah.

This season on NYC Hustlers,

Hayley Boyajian and Kieran Francis are back.

I have a foot fetish.

A square-foot fetish.

After a battle with brain cancer, my father tragically passed away.

But on the flip side, I sold a condo to his radiologist.

But there's a new agent on the New York scene.

His name is Rudd Landy.

And he didn't come to play nice. He came to close deals.

I built my firm from the ground up, brick by brick, one listing at a time.

Just a chubby kid from New Jersey

with nothing more than a real estate license and a dream.

And if that name sounds familiar to you, it should.

Rudd is the kid brother

of billionaire hedge fund manager and man-about-town...

...Josh Landy.

DJ, philanthropist, money mogul.

He does it all.

In other words,

Rudd has a chip on his shoulder the size of the Big Apple.

I may be the new kid on the block,

but I'll do anything to get out of my big brother's shadow.

Will Rudd remain the one Landy with something to prove?

Find out on this season of NYC Hustlers.

So good.

Look at him, speechless.

He's speechless. Pretty exciting, huh?

Yeah. Um... I don't remember saying that thing about my brother's shadow.

Yeah, you didn't.

We, uh... we used AI to add in some dialogue for you.

Isn't that cool? We do it all the time. It's just temp though. Don't worry.

We have options.

I got these big muscles so I could feel like a big boy,

and not my brother's little bitch for once.

- I love that one. - It's so good. It's so relatable.

I mean, my heart... ...aches for you.

Always in second place. Always overlooked.

But now, here's your chance to finally shine.

- Yeah, um-- - No, hey, hey, please. Don't hold back.

We love feedback. Give us feedback.

Uh...

Maybe less Josh, you know? Maybe more me?

- How much less? - Yeah, like, what percent less?

Like, zero, maybe? Like, maybe zero Josh?

And then... and then I'd go up to a hundred.

Right, so you don't wanna be overshadowed by your brother.

Kind of exactly what the intro was saying...

Yep, I'm struggling to see the issue here.

Look, guys... I am super pumped for this opportunity, okay?

I know what being on your show could do for me and do for my firm.

I'll tell you this right now. I will crush this.

Because I am ready to run with the big dogs.

But if this is the angle we're going with,

I'm sorry, I just don't think it's a good fit.

Wow.

- I think what Rudd means-- - Did you feel that, Lenore?

Oh, I felt that. Mm-hmm.

- That's... our angle right there. - Yeah.

That's it. If you can bring that big dog energy to our show,

we won't even need Josh.

- Mm-mm. - I'll bring that energy.

I will be the big dog.

Ah.

No.

- That is a lapdog. - Not what he was trying to give.

Right, big dog?

Right.

Hey, brother. I've been thinking.

It's been a while since we've seen each other,

and I know our schedules haven't really aligned, like, ever.

But I was reading your last email, and I had an epiphany.

At the end, when you said, "see you later," it made me think,

"What if later was right now?"

The thing is, my life is actually pretty great.

-I've been traveling a lot lately. - Whoa!

Spending more time in nature,

making new friends.

Oh, good morning.

You can play through.

Hey. How's everything tasting?

- Oh, are you our waiter? - No, just curious.

Anyway, I know how busy you are, so I'm doing us both a favor.

That's right. I'm coming to see you, big bro!

Whoa!

I was gonna surprise you and show up at your door,

but I was just too damn excited.

Like when you don't jerk it for a week and finally see your girl

and can't even get it out of your pants before busting all over the place.

What the fuck are you doing?

I asked you to watch my laptop while I was in the bathroom.

Hang on one sec, bud. Just in the middle of a thought here.

"Busting all over the place."

Coming to see you, big bro!

Shit.

Hey, Mia. You coming?

From now on, we put all our focus on this show.

- Could be a real game changer for us. - So exciting.

And even if an unexpected distraction were to pop up, we could just--

- Mia, you know I don't like surprises. - Right.

Whatever comes up, I trust you to handle it.

The faster we get going on this thing,

the more damage even the smallest obstacle can present.

Did you know if an F1 racer hits a pebble at full speed,

the car will literally explode?

- It will? - Yeah, it will.

That's why it's your job to get rid of all the pebbles. You were saying?

Um... I was...

I was just saying that, uh,

your car is... is waiting for you outside.

Thought I heard something pretty out there.

Shit.

New York City, here I come!

Woo, woo, dee, dee, dee

Oh yeah.

Oh, look at these cuties.

Brothers!

Deirdre, this event... Wow. It's incredible.

- I'm so proud of you. - Aw! Hey, how was your meeting?

- We start shooting in two days. - What? Are you serious?

Yes.

I'm finally gonna be playing in the big leagues.

I just... I want you to know

that all the sacrifices we've been making as a family,

they are about to pay off big-time.

I am so happy for you.

Okay, better get back to work. I still have more asses I need to kiss.

- Do your thing. Where am I sitting? - Table five. Your brother's there already.

Yes!

He goes, "This is the castle that Castle built."

How do I look? Does my face look puffy? He always points out if my face is puffy.

Rudd, you look great. Okay? All right? I promise.

Clooney and I are drinking buddies.

Go get him.

I said, "Thank you so much for the briefcase."

And he goes, "Did you open it?"

There was a million dollars inside. I thought the briefcase was the gift!

Oh, there's a gift. Hey! There he is.

Get over here, big man.

Oh! Hey, you look tremendous.

What happened to your face? You gain weight? Looks good.

- Do you work for Josh? - What? Who, him?

No, this is my baby brother. Rudd Landy. He's a realtor.

Oh.

And I found out I'm gonna be on this season of NYC Hustlers.

Oh my God. That is amazing. Remind me, what is that again?

It's... it's a big reality show.

That's perfect for you! That's exactly what you should be doing.

People love that reality stuff.

It helps them forget how shitty their lives are.

Hey, congrats. You deserve it.

- Thanks. - So are you selling Josh's house?

- Ah... - You're selling your house?

Yeah, it's time. She's been good to me. But, you know, yeah, look.

Nah. He doesn't wanna be listing his older bro's place.

He definitely doesn't wanna be dealing with Business Josh.

"Below asking?!"

Whoa! "Below" this!

Whoa!

Wow.

$5,000 from the Blumenfelds.

That is gonna go such a long way.

Thank you.

I think we can all sleep a little easier tonight,

knowing they're gonna sleep a little easier tonight.

And that would not be possible without your generous, generous donations.

Oh.

Rudd Landy, my husband.

- $10,000? - Aw!

My God.

Honey, I love you.

Well, that looks like it's all of our donors for this evening,

and I am so grateful to each and every single one...

I have a little video.

Uh...

Okay, I guess we have a special video this evening.

Hey, Deirdre. It's Paris.

When Josh told me about Mattress Miracles,

I was obsessed.

Anyone who knows me knows there's nothing I'm more passionate about

than solving the homelessness crisis in America.

That's why I'm donating $100,000 to the cause.

- Oh my God! - Keep up the great work.

-Love you, Josh. - Oh my goodness!

- Josh, stand up. - No.

- Please. No, I insist. - No, no, no.

Okay!

Why does he always have to outdo me? What are you trying to prove, dude?

And he lists his 19-million-dollar house, doesn't even mention it to me?

- Why don't you just tell him? - I'm not gonna beg for his business.

It's exactly what he wants. All he ever does is fuck with me.

"Hey, your face. What happened?"

- "You gain weight? You look good though." - You do look good.

He meant it in a mean way.

And he acts like he's never heard of NYC Hustlers.

You're friends with all these celebrities, but you've never heard of Hayley Boyajian?

Not buying it, bro.

At some point, giving that much money isn't helping.

Think of all the tax issues you have to untangle now.

I'd hate to be in your shoes.

Are we still talking about this?

Nope. You're right. I'm done.

Aw... Maxine.

Aw... Who's a pretty girl?

I thought we agreed no more random disabled pets.

Well, she was on a kill list.

Besides, it's only temporary. The adoption event is tomorrow.

You're spreading yourself too thin.

- Haven't you done enough? - Not really.

We have to put on all these lavish events

to convince these rich assholes to give us their money.

But when I add up the costs, it feels like we're barely making an impact.

Hey! Knock it off!

Gosh. You're scaring Maxine.

- I told you not to text her. - You weren't making a move, bro.

What is going on with you two?

Okay, this hot girl just transferred from Lawrence, and--

I met her first, and we were vibing. Shane knew I was into her.

The only reason she's talking to you is to get to me, obviously.

Isn't it possible she likes Cory and not you?

- Dad, Mom's having a stroke. - Shane, your mother's not having a stroke.

She just has a soft spot for underdogs.

- Mm... - Aw, underdogs.

Enough.

- Okay. - Cory, come here.

As you know, my brother bullied me a lot too growing up.

I used to bring girls home all the time.

In the morning, I'd see them tiptoeing out of Josh's bedroom

after a night of expert lovemaking.

I know. You talk about it a lot.

Yeah, but did I let his antagonism and innate sexual ability defeat me?

No. I used it as fuel to make myself bigger and stronger.

You wanna punch above your weight, gotta learn to push beyond your limits.

Okay, pal?

- Yeah. - All right.

Hmm. Hello?

You should be thanking me.

- This is he. - I'm helping you out.

- Oh my God. Is he okay? - Sh! Sh!

Of course. I'll be right over.

That was the hospital. My brother was in a car accident.

Paging Dr. Shaw.

It's okay. He's a fighter. He's gonna pull through.

- Are you Rudd Landy? - That's me.

- Is my brother okay? - He will be.

It was quite an accident. He was very lucky.

- Is he awake? Can we see him? - He's sedated but should be up shortly.

- Okay. - Follow me.

Who the fuck is this?

- That's not his brother. - Are you sure?

I'm sorry. There must be a mistake. We're looking for Josh Landy.

Not Marcus Pinchel?

Marcus who?

It says right here, "Please contact Rudd Landy, big brother."

Uh...

- Just the two of us - Just the two of us...

All right, Marcus.

This game is called Horse, so if you miss a shot, that's an H.

- Got it? - Yeah.

Oh shit.

That looked pretty painful. Are you sure you're all right?

No one's ever asked me that before.

Hey, do me a favor.

Don't tell anyone you got hurt with me, or I could get in trouble.

They won't notice. I get hurt a lot.

- Do you want your hat back? - No, I'm good. You can keep it.

We're brothers now, right?

Brothers for life?

Brothers for life.

- We can make it if we try - Ha-ha!

Rudd.

- Rudd! - What?

What is going on, and who is this person?

I don't believe it, but I think that's my Little Brother

from a charity thing in high school.

You were a Big Brother? You never told me you did that.

I thought it would look good on a college application.

I think we hung out five times.

You obviously had a big effect on him if he asked them to contact you.

We barely know each other. You don't think that's odd?

- I haven't spoken to him in 30 years. - Brother?

Is that you?

Say something.

- What do you want me to say? - Anything.

Hey, bud. How you feeling?

Is that really you,

or are you an angel disguising itself as the person I trusted the most

in order to help me cross over?

- I don't wanna die! - No, no! Whoa! Hey, it's me! It's me!

Oh, of course it is.

And here I was wondering if you'd changed.

So, uh... what have you been up to all these years?

Well, I...

I've just got out of a long-term gig and had some free time on my hands.

So, naturally, I came to see big bro. And to meet your lovely family.

But this lovely I did not expect.

She is beautiful.

Out of your league, dawg.

- Yeah. - I mean, you fucked up.

You didn't fuck down. You fucked up.

- It's nice to finally meet you. - You are one lucky lady.

This man right here, absolute gem.

This is the most generous, caring man I've ever met.

And even with all those big-ass, rippling muscles,

the strongest one is his heart.

Oh my God. He is so sweet.

There he is.

Oh, full house.

Don't mind me. I just have to change his bag and bedpan.

And let's get that catheter out.

Thank you, Nurse Sonj. You're too good to me.

Oh, someone's been staying hydrated.

- Guilty. - Okay.

Uh, Deirdre, don't we have to pick the boys up, bring 'em to something?

- Oh God. The boys! - No.

How are Shane and Cory?

- You know their names? - Are you kidding?

Been dying to uncle-down with those knuckleheads.

Yeah.

Too bad you're stuck here.

Not for long. He'll be discharged this afternoon.

- The doctor said he had skull damage. - Oh, that was there already.

One of my foster dads got ripped one night,

put me in an old washing machine, then rolled it down a hill.

I got a huge dent up here. It's like a cupholder.

Oh my God. You have been through so much.

Do you have somewhere you can stay until you get back on your feet?

Not really, but when you're a foster kid,

you get used to making a home out of wherever you can find it.

But you're not a foster kid. You're like 40.

Maybe you can stay with us for a night or two.

- That's a fantastic idea. - Mm-hmm.

- Could you give us a minute, please? - Sure.

I love their energy.

What are you doing? That's not a puppy from a kill shelter, okay?

He obviously doesn't have anyone else to turn to.

- He drove all the way here to see you. - That's not a red flag for you?

What are we supposed to do? He's got nowhere else to go.

Before we know it, he'll be renting out each of his holes to afford a motel room.

I hear you, but the timing couldn't be worse.

I start shooting tomorrow.

Come on. It's only for one night.

- Good Lord. - One night.

Take a deep breath.

Oh shit!

Thank God.

- Ugh! - That is a wrap on Catheter Zeta-Jones.

Phew!

That actually cleared my sinuses.

Don't worry. You won't have to mess with all this.

Although, he may need to use a bedpan for a few days, until his bowels solidify.

- Perfect. - Right.

- I have a few questions about his care. - Oh, sure. I'll see you, guys.

Yeah.

Nurse Sonj is the best, isn't she? Between us, I think she wants to hit this.

- Good for you, bud. - Whoo! Tap this ass like a double IPA.

I heard you the first time.

- I'll let you know if it happens. - Not necessary.

Oh, I know, but I got you.

Bro code.

Man, I can't believe getting my shit rocked

by a dump truck ended up being the greatest thing that happened to me.

Aw. We are happy to help.

Aren't we, Rudd?

Hold up. This is your ride? I've never been in one of these before.

Don't touch the glass.

- Oh. - Matter of fact, don't touch anything.

I bought this with my first big commission check.

- So it's more than just a car to me. - Understood. Let me create some distance.

- No! Hey! What the... Hey! - Oh no. Sorry about that. Let me just...

Oh!

I got a friend at AutoZone.

- He'll buff it right out. - It's okay.

No way. This is your neighborhood?

What? Are you shitting me? Dude, this is your house?

Rudd found it before it was even listed.

Of course he did. He's a realtor.

The most pimp job there is.

Bus bench ads. Open houses.

Plowing "For Sale" signs into the lawn

with those ballistic missiles you call arms.

I am so damn proud of you, dude. Ah!

Hey, you think you could teach me? I wanna learn from you, senpai.

It's not that easy. It took me years just to pass the exam.

You don't have to do a thing. Just let me watch and absorb.

- I'm an active learner. - Yeah.

You could teach him a thing or two.

You know what, D? I got Marcus. Why don't you go on in?

Okay.

Time to learn real estate from the master. Limbo!

Ouch.

Hurt a little bit.

Beautiful rakes.

Rudd?

You there?

Oh.

Why'd you come here?

What do you mean?

You expect me to believe you had no one else to call?

What is this, some straight money grab? If so, name your price.

For what?

For you to jump directly into an Uber and not come inside.

You can't honestly think we're brothers, right?

What about our emails?

- What emails? - Okay, now I know you're fucking with me.

- Listen to me. - Ah!

- You're gonna go inside, okay? - Yeah.

You're gonna say, "Thank you. No, thank you."

You remembered you have to spend time with your actual family

instead of your pretend one.

Shane! Cory!

There's someone we'd like you to meet.

This is your dad's Little Brother, Marcus.

The boys. Get in here, you two.

Come on.

- Okay. - Uh, who is this guy?

I'm so confused.

Yeah, I didn't know you had a little brother.

That term is being used rather loosely, but that's okay.

How long is he in town for?

Well, actually, I think I better head out.

Wow. Already? You just got here.

I thought you said you had nowhere else to go.

You're right.

I did say that.

Then I realized I should be with my real family

instead of my pretend one.

Did Rudd tell you to say that? How much did he offer you?

To be fair, we never quite landed on a number.

Yeah, just ignore him.

He's got a lot on his plate right now. It has nothing to do with you.

You know, I was sensing a little bit of that.

Boys, grab some spare bedsheets and a pillow for your uncle Marcus.

Oh my God. I'm Uncle Marcus!

Hey. We are gonna get to the bottom of whatever's bothering you, bro.

I'm starting to think it's no accident that I showed up when I did.

Ow!

Uh...

That's my boot you're feeling. I'm not erect.

Why is this thing so slippery?

Oh, I told Nurse Sonj to go heavy on the Vaseline for my wounds,

and it got all over the place.

Whoa!

Whoa! Oh shit!

Ow.

We just had to let him stay in my office.

You couldn't even get him up the stairs. He'll be safer down there anyway.

Oh, will he?

What happened to the guy I married

who said "the only thing that matters is family"?

Yeah, family I'm related to. He's not my actual brother.

Why are you so upset?

Maybe he came back into your life for a reason.

Or maybe I'm upset

'cause there's a stranger sleeping in our house.

And when I was carrying him up the stairs, he said he wasn't erect.

- But he definitely was. - Well, he's staying. Deal with it.

I can't afford to deal with it.

I have to be on camera tomorrow, and now I'm all stressed out.

- You were already stressed out. - You think?

I mean, it's only my entire reputation

and everything I've ever worked for on the line.

Whatever.

Okay, maybe this Marcus stuff is just dredging up some old feelings.

Like whatever's going on between you and Josh.

I'm turning on red mode, Deirdre.

Good night.

Rudd and Deirdre,

today is the beginning of a beautiful journey.

You've found in each other not only love,

but trust, respect and joy.

As you step into this new chapter together,

may your days be filled with laughter, your hearts with kindness...

Hey. Sorry.

- Am I being too loud? - No, you're fine. You're fine.

- It is my absolute honor... - You're watching our wedding video.

Yeah, I couldn't sleep. I hope I'm not overstepping.

I haven't seen this in years.

Look at my hair.

Oh, it's beautiful.

The whole thing is so fucking beautiful.

It was a killer wedding.

No, it's more than that. It's your love.

It's infectious. You can see it on everyone's face.

You guys found it, the thing we're all looking for.

We were so happy then.

Uh-oh. I'm picking up on a past tense.

Now I'm feeling tense.

- Everything okay with you two? - Oh.

It's... It is late. You do not wanna hear about this.

Yeah, you're right. I don't wanna hear about it.

I need to hear about it.

Come on, girl. This is a safe space.

I don't know.

You know, Rudd's just...

He's so focused on this reality show that he's doing.

- It's all that he ever talks about. - Uh-huh.

I think growing up in his brother's shadow really did a number on him.

I see. Complicated dynamic there.

Mm! Yeah, I just...

I want my husband back.

Yeah. And let me guess.

It's been a minute since you and Rudd have taken a trip down to the boneyard.

Oh.

What makes you say that?

In my experience,

nothing kills a man's libido faster than feelings of insecurity.

Okay.

I guess it has been a while.

But it's not all his fault. I have been busy too.

Sure.

But is it possible that Rudd being so distracted

has left a void that you're trying to fill with your own projects?

Dedicating yourself to being in service of everyone but yourself?

I never thought about it that way.

You seem to know a lot about this stuff.

Yeah. Well, the, uh...

...apartment complex I was living in before this

happened to have a lot of therapists.

Ah.

And when they get home from work, HIPAA be damned.

But I'm just glad I got here when I did. Our man is hurting right now.

He feels like he has to pretend to be something he's not

just to be worthy of our love.

Yeah, he does seem to be in a lot of pain.

I'm gonna get the old Rudd back

and reignite that beautiful spark if it's the last thing I do, honey.

Now... ...I hope you do not mind.

I looked in the fridge earlier, and I saw a heavenly white.

- Oh. - Not unlike yourself.

- Oh. - Madame?

Yes, please.

As you wish.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Mm. This pumpkin quiche is next-level.

Thanks, Cory. It's actually my third foster dad's recipe.

It's all I have to remember him by after he died on 9/11

in an unrelated casino fire.

Okay, we gotta go, dipshit.

- Morning, bro. - Yeah, morning.

I see you helped yourself to my clothes.

Uh, is that okay? You have my word. I will wash them before I leave.

Oh, that's not necessary.

Oh no, 1,000 percent is.

I have a medical condition where my sweat smells like cat piss.

- You know what? You can keep 'em. - Thank you, cutie. Go off, queen.

- See you boys later. - Hey, where are you going?

The adoption event.

I told you about it yesterday. It's on the calendar.

No. What about him? This is my first day of shooting.

Well, Marcus actually had a really good idea.

I just figured, since you said you'd teach me real estate,

I could shadow you today.

No.

No, no, no, no. Absolutely not.

- You're worried I'll get in the way. - That's one of my many concerns, yeah.

All right, I gotta go. You guys figure it out. Break a leg.

Nothing to figure out. He's not coming.

If you really don't want me there, I respect that.

- The last thing I wanna be is a burden. - So nice of you to understand that.

Yeah, I can just kick it around here. Not a problem.

I'm sure I can find something to get into.

Oh shit! I left my quiche in the oven.

Goddamn it! Oh!

Fire in the hole!

Whoa!

Suck it, bitch!

Whoo!

Almost burned the entire house down.

Could you imagine?

The Big fucking Apple, dawg!

What up, New York City?!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Christ. Get in here!

Holy shit, dude.

- Is this really my life? - I was wondering the same thing.

Hey! We're near my old neighborhood, bro.

We should swing by the basketball court. You still owe me a rematch.

- I have no idea what you're talking about. - Don't pretend you forgot, bitch.

Ow! I'm driving a car!

Hey, I owe you an apology.

I've just been so focused on my own mental health,

I took my mind off of your needs.

Has something happened recently that triggered some stress?

Yeah, this.

- You. - Yeah, but it's more than that, isn't it?

I got the sense from Deirdre you've been a little distracted lately.

- She told you that? - No.

She confided in me because she cares about you.

What'd she say?

She implied you guys might be having some problems in the sack.

Hey, I get it.

If I had as much going on in my life as you do, I'd be gummy-worming too.

- Pew. - Nobody's gummy-worming, all right?

Whatever the problem is, I promise, it's in your head.

Your penis is probably a totally normal size

and it just looks tiny next to your massive body.

You know, even if I was too distracted to have sex with my wife, which I'm not,

but if I was, it's just...

...'cause I want Deirdre to have the best life possible.

To do that, I gotta work twice as hard.

Rudd, I love you, but you're a freaking dumbass.

Deirdre doesn't care about that materialistic shit.

You need to stop being so hard on yourself and start getting hard for your wife.

Just set aside some time for a date night

and book her on the first flight to Poundtown.

Take a cab to Boneville.

Or a rickshaw to Sexburg.

Ah-ha! There he is. There's the Rudd I remember.

I really appreciate you opening up to me like that.

I'm not opening up. That is not what's happening here.

Joshy!

Dude, he's gonna be so surprised I'm here!

- No, we don't... Fuck. - Bro, what up?

- Rudd? - Hey, Josh. So that is Marcus.

He's my Little Brother from a charity thing I did in high school.

And he is here for some reason.

Right. Okay. Uh, just calling to check in.

You seemed a little off the other night.

I know you're under pressure with this show and all,

but taking care of your mental health is really important, okay?

You're getting to be that age where some guys snap

and annihilate their whole family or whatever.

You know what? Maybe I can get you a session with my life coach.

Well, ex-life coach.

I'm basically coaching him now, and it's been amazing.

Hey, hey. Josh, Josh. You know what? I'm fine. Okay?

Honestly, all good over here. You have no idea how good I'm doing.

I'm actually on my way to go shoot my big reality show.

So everything's fine. Okay, bye.

Ooh-hoo! Here we go.

Hey. Don't worry.

The camera's gonna love you almost as much as I do.

- Huh? - Yeah, thanks. Just stay here, okay?

- In the car? - Yeah.

- Is that even safe in this heat? - I'll crack a window.

Wh... what if there's an emergency?

No matter what, do not leave this vehicle

or touch anything inside this vehicle, okay?

Or I'll break your other leg.

Ouch.

Happy shoot day. You ready?

- We need to talk. - Uh-oh.

Am I in trouble?

Remember, a few years back,

my Little Brother from that charity emailed out of the blue.

- And I told you to handle it? - Yeah.

You sent him the response we send to all the wackos, right?

I did.

But then he wrote us back.

You followed protocol and deleted it, right?

It was too sad.

He was all alone, and it seemed like you two were really close,

so I wrote him back... as you.

- Mia, you realize what you've done? - I'm sorry.

You were really busy,

and I knew you wouldn't wanna turn your back on him.

- It seemed like he really needed you. - Oh Jesus.

He was going through a lot. At the time, I was going through a lot.

Remember my dad left my mom for the guy in his Pilates class?

I couldn't sleep for weeks, and Marcus was there for me.

- He's a really good listener. - No wonder he thinks we're so close. Fuck!

I didn't tell you 'cause I didn't want it to interfere with the show.

A little late for that. He's in my fucking car as we speak.

And I can't fucking get rid of him!

What's up? I'm Kieran.

Oh, hey. Rudd. Honored to meet you. Big fan of your work.

Aw, thanks, man. I'm excited for you.

Big audition.

Oh. No, I've actually been added to the main cast already.

Is that what they told you?

Let me guess. They shot a title sequence for you?

Yeah.

Man, if I had a dollar for every godforsaken soul

that shot a title sequence that never made it to air

because they crapped out on day one,

I could make an all-cash offer on this brownstone.

- Did you pick an angle at least? - Angle?

Um, Lenore said she liked the big dog edit for me.

Unfortunately, we already have a big dog. That's Hayley.

Oh, you could go with mysterious outsider

who nobody knows which side they're on.

That spot's been open since Chase Greer had a mini stroke

and then a regular stroke and then OD'd.

Why did I drink so much coffee?

Hoo! I gotta piss.

It's already going away.

Now it's back.

Okay, everyone.

Okay, so we're gonna start with the scene

where Rudd and Kieran are competing for this listing.

- All right? Bunch of stars. - Right. We're doing it--

Excuse me. Um... I just wanted to ask you guys.

What about a catchphrase, if I'm lucky enough to close the deal?

I was thinking,

"Mansion accomplished."

"Manson accomplished." Why would you reference Charles Manson?

No. "Mansion accomplished." It's usually like "mission accomplished."

- Oh. Oh my God. That's way worse. - Yeah.

- I think... holster it. - Let's just hold off on that for now.

- Okay. - Just for now.

Cool, cool. No problem. Uh--

- Let's try one, shall we? - Rock and roll.

All right, people. We're making TV magic.

Ready to roll.

Trust me.

The mysterious outsider's the way to go.

- Go for that in the first take? - It might be the only take you get, man.

And action.

Hey there.

- I'm Kieran from-- - Oh, I know who you are.

Big fan.

Greetings.

Rudd Landy. Big City Realty.

You may not be familiar with me. That's because I operate in the shadows.

What the fuck?

Life is weird.

I used to pass by this house every day

when I would take my dad to his chemo treatments.

Just the thought of getting to sell this one day helped me get through it.

I'm so inspired by the architecture.

I never share information about my family.

Okay. Let's cut there.

- W... what's up? Was that okay? - Well, it was...

Huh. Well, we love that you tried that.

And it was definitely something.

Let's do one where you don't try something.

Now it's coming like a wave.

Don't do it, Marcus. You know the rules.

Don't touch anything. Don't get out of the car.

Is there a cup in here or something?

Big Gulp cup. Everyone has a Big Gulp cup in their car.

Fuck!

Aha.

It really was such a blessing to see this beautiful piece of property.

Yeah. It really is a masterwork in both design and construction.

That's something I know a lot about. Here.

See my Porsche 911 out there?

It's more than just a car to me.

And I know this place is more than just a house to you.

All right. This is just crazy enough to work.

Here we... Oh my God. My neck.

Just gotta get my penis in the proper position.

Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Ho!

Victory!

A car of that quality, it's a great investment.

Because anything that has value truly appreciates over time.

Just like this house.

Ooh. That's a lot.

Whoa! Oh no, no, no, no!

Can't sto...

Ah! It's up my nose!

The point is, you need an agent

who understands the real value of craftsmanship

and sees your home as more than just a place to live.

A home is an extension of ourselves.

You put your heart and soul in this place.

Just like I did when I built my company to be one of the top agencies in New York.

These will be like a giant napkin.

Ow! Okay.

Okay. Nobody saw nothing.

And I just rub like this.

And...

Oh, fuck me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I know when you accept an offer, you put a number on the value of your labor.

- And I promise I will-- - Sorry. We should cut.

There's a guy pissing all over the car out there.

And he shattered the window. A car drove by and ripped the door off.

Oh my fucking God!

Keep rolling. We can use this.

Oh no.

It's okay. Don't mind me. I'm Rudd's little brother.

Sorry to interrupt.

I had a little emergency, but we're all good now.

Jesus Christ, Marcus, what the hell did you do?

Wait. This is your brother?

No, no, it's my Little Brother

from a charity thing I did a million years ago.

Listen, Rudd, I can explain every--

- Fuck you! - Whoa! Hit-and-run. Okay.

- Holy shit. - I'm calling the police.

- Fucking e-bike. - Here, put all your weight on me.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

I'm Mia, Rudd's assistant.

Oh. Looks like we got something in common. We both think Rudd's a fucking boss.

- Oh. - Ow!

He seems fine. Let's just go back inside.

- Oh no, wait a second. - Yeah, I'm all good.

I, I could use maybe a Band-Aid or a couple of napkins.

- Ah! - That is a lot of blood!

- Uh, medic. Medic. - Whoa.

- This man's brains are exposed. - Enormous gash.

- Wow. - Oh no.

My head's killing me.

Are you sure you don't need an ambulance or anything?

Nah, as long as I got my big bro with me, I'm all good.

Right.

Now, Marcus, where did you say you're from?

- He's had an accident. We should let him-- - Whoo!

I was a foster kid, and I moved around a ton.

Probably easier to tell you where I'm not from.

Sixteen foster families. Can you imagine?

How'd you know that?

Oh... I was just guessing.

Uh, based on what Rudd told me.

Anyway, then one day, my life changes.

The day I walked into the YMCA

and signed up for the Big Brothers, Little Brothers program

and met this angel prince right here.

And when he looked into my eyes and told me we'd be brothers for life,

I knew I'd never be alone in this fucked-up world ever again.

I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you think.

Are you kidding me? He ruined the whole thing!

Total disaster. It was going great.

Everybody was loving it. Then he fucked me.

I knew he was gonna fuck me, and he fucked me.

Okay, I hear you.

- You do? - Yes.

I mean,

the show is really important to you, and you need our support right now.

- Yes, I do. - So come here.

Come here. Come over here.

Okay.

All right, just... try to relax, okay?

That's it.

Look, I know I put a lot into this, okay? It's just...

You know, my whole life, I've always felt like I...

Like what?

I don't even know how to say this. Like... I was less than something.

- Like I always have to prove myself. - Oh my God.

Rudd, you don't have to prove anything.

Babe...

Babe, just... just not right now, okay?

Please.

Are you sure?

It's been a minute since we've taken a trip down to the boneyard.

Where'd you pick that one up?

- What do you mean? - I mean, that was his advice, wasn't it?

From your little therapy session you had in the middle of the night?

- It doesn't matter whose advice it was. - This guy.

This fucking maniac has infiltrated our household!

- Jesus. Calm down. - What is he, our marriage counselor?

I am not taking relationship advice from him. You and I are fine.

- Are we? - Oh, I'm not doing this right now.

I need to sweat this out.

Can't we just talk about this?

Why don't you talk about it with Marcus? He seems to have it all figured out.

Fuck.

Yeah! Fuck me!

I got ketamine from the doctor.

- I wanna try that so badly! - It's pretty good.

Can you tell me I look like Eva Longoria in Desperate Housewives?

You look like Eva Longoria in Desperate Housewives.

Fuck! That's so hot!

Hey, bro.

We making too much noise?

Uh... yes.

Sorry. That's all me. I'm a bit of a squealer.

Oh. Yeah, you are. Hey, you remember Nurse Sonj, right?

Sure do. Hey, Nurse Sonj.

Hi, Rudd. Place is gorgeous. Thanks for having us.

And I forget. Did you meet her boyfriend, Yayir?

I don't believe I have.

Hello. I like to watch.

Yayir is being modest. He throws out some pretty killer suggestions.

If you and Deirdre ever wanna open up, I'll put you in on an email thread.

- We'll try to keep it down. - Oh, can't make any promises.

Oh shit!

Hon, wake up.

Huh? Oh, now you wanna talk?

Marcus is fucking Nurse Sonj all over my office.

What?

If that's not enough, her fucking boyfriend

is just sitting there naked on my fucking leather chair.

It's a threesome, or is he just watching?

- That's your question? - It's a big difference.

Aren't they equally inappropriate?

Think about what he's been through. He's just trying to have a little fun.

At least somebody is.

Wow.

Wow!

- Ooh! God, that was fun. - It was. Your brother's really nice.

- Oh my God. What a sweetheart, right? - Yeah.

- Yayir! - Bro, you fucking killed it, man.

- Great meeting you, dawg. - Abso... Oh, it was my pleasure.

Whoo!

Boo, so fun.

- Boo. - Mwah!

Okay. I like that.

I do too.

Mm...

Okay.

Now they're fucking on the hood of your car, hon. Just FYI.

Hmm?

Ooh, the floodgates are opening!

There goes your car alarm.

Oh, look. Now the Meyersons are getting a little bit of a show.

We'll get an angry call from them in the morning.

I'm on this new SSRI. It takes me forever to come!

- It's working for me! - God. His stroke game is so weak.

He should take a lesson from you.

Oh Jesus!

The fuck?

Gotcha.

- What's going on? - Yeah, Dad. What the fuck?

I'm about to tell you what the fuck.

Sit down.

Rudd, whatever it is... we're here for you, and we support you.

Great. Because I found something. Something rather alarming.

Ah, shit.

Is it on the shaft or the groin area?

It's not on any...

God.

I gotta take this.

Nurse Sonj has a similar situation.

- Hello? - Hey, TV star!

You fucking did it.

Really? That's amazing.

Yeah, you guys are magic together.

- Me and Kieran? - You and Marcus.

The network really responded to him.

- Really? - Yeah.

The... the uptight, older, rich, white guy

reuniting with his, uh, underprivileged,

diverse, younger, arguably hotter, long-lost brother.

It's fucking classic, Rudd.

- Yeah, sure. - It has it all.

Rags to riches. Wish fulfillment.

White guy getting his car banged up. Love to see it.

Let's see him struggle once.

- For once in his life. - Just a little.

Anyway, we're just gonna need the two of you to come down

and shoot a new title sequence with both of you in it.

- Him in the title sequence? - Yeah.

Marcus really solidifies your place in the show.

Otherwise, you're just another meathead in a suit selling condos.

- Don't need that. - Don't need any more.

But, hey, look, if you're not feeling it, we could always just focus on Marcus.

Do a kind of Fresh Prince thing.

- Yeah, or we could give it to Hayley. - Mm! I love that.

Introduce Marcus as her Little Brother.

- Wait, what? - That's sexy.

Hey, anyway, we're hoping to make a decision by this afternoon. Okay.

- Ciao. Ciao for real. - Bye, brother. Love you like a brother.

You were saying?

Yeah, I... I was saying...

As you may have noticed, Marcus,

I wasn't necessarily 100% on board with you being here.

What?

Did anyone else pick up on that?

Regardless...

...possibly, I have judged you too quickly.

That's on me.

Those are just my own insecurities lashing out.

- I apologize for that, and... - Oh...

...it's good to have you back in my life.

What was that, bro?

Yeah, Dad, you kind of mumbled that last part.

I said, it is good to have you back in my life.

- Come on, Marcus, keep it together. - Oh...

Those are only the most beautiful words you've ever heard.

I am so proud of you, hon.

Aw...

I thought you said you found something alarming.

I did.

Deep within myself.

Oh, great.

Well... I have some big news too.

I reached out to Big Brothers, Little Brothers,

and I told them your story, and they went crazy for it.

So crazy that they wanna make you their honorary Big Brother of the Year.

Big Brother of the Year?

Yes! More like Big Brother of the Century!

We can make it a reunion event

where we reconnect Big Brothers with Little Brothers

who haven't seen each other for a while, just like you and Marcus.

And guess what.

They want Marcus to present you with the award.

Isn't that amazing?

Oh, look, D. He's crying.

Oh my God.

Let the tears flow.

Hmm.

On NYC Hustlers, there's a new season

and a new reason for attitude

when we add two dudes.

There's never a dull "bro-ment" when these two guys are around.

I don't wanna speak for my big bro here, but we've been given a gift.

We get to live together, work together, go home and talk about work together.

He exhales. I inhale.

It's like we're one organism.

Wanted to show you the stage. We've got a great lighting designer.

And on the stage, we could also get a great photo op

with everyone wearing their Little Brothers, Big Brothers hats.

I think it'll be super cute.

I was a little hesitant about you at first.

I thought you were just another meathead in a suit selling condos,

but seeing you with your brother,

you got a heart.

And I like heart.

We'll take it.

And boom! Mansion accomplished.

Mansion accomplished!

That's so funny. It's usually "mission," but you said "mansion" instead.

- Yeah. - Good one.

Today is actually the anniversary of my dead father's passing.

- Oh. - Okay, I think we got it, everybody.

Yeah, that's a wrap. Thank you all.

- Great. - Love it.

- Perfect. Great job. - Oh my God, Marcus.

- Yes, chef. - You are so funny.

Hey!

We did it!

We're living the dream. Wouldn't you say so, bro?

Yep.

Living the dream.

So what's our plan?

Plan?

The Marcus problem.

Problem?

Do you have eyes?

I was the inspiring underdog who everyone was rooting for,

and now my screen time is in free fall.

You and me... we're on death row, my man.

I know it's not ideal, but I'm his connection to the show.

Shouldn't that be good for me?

That's what Jill Zarin thought

when she invited her friend Bethenny Frankel

onto the set of Real Housewives of New York City.

Now Bethenny has the world's leading skinny margarita mix,

and Jill lives in Boca,

where they don't even have a Housewives franchise.

- What do we do? - "We"?

You let the fox into the hen house.

Now you need to find a dog big enough to chase him out.

- A ten-and-over. - A ten-million-dollar listing?

And over.

A motherfucking showpiece.

Something they can build an episode around,

that keeps the attention on you and not Marcus.

Whatever it is, you better think of something fast,

or your little brother is gonna send us both to Boca.

And you will never be the big dog.

Hey. You have a minute to talk?

Hmm.

Hey, you.

Hey!

Making coffee, huh?

- Yeah, you want some? - Sure.

I actually like mine with honey and a little cayenne pepper.

- Get out. - Gives it an extra kick.

What? That's how I like it.

- Stop it. - Yes. I'm making it like that right now.

- That is so fucking random. - I love it that way. Yeah.

Gosh. Crazy.

Okay, enjoy.

- Cheers. - Yeah...

Do you mind if I play music?

Oh yeah. Be my guest.

Hold up.

Hoobastank?

Get the fuck outta here, girl.

You're putting on motherfucking 'stank in the middle of the day?

Yeah. It's one of my favorites.

Really bittersweet, but yet...

- Uplifting, yes! - Uplifting. That's what I was gonna say.

That's, like, kind of me and Rudd's favorite song.

We talked about it over email a ton. I mean, it's kind of our thing, you know?

- Your thing? - Yeah.

- You and Rudd. - Yeah.

Totally.

Hey, can I ask you something? Um...

You're Rudd's assistant. Um...

Do you have any tips on how to, uh... connect with him?

We had this magic over email, but since I've been here,

it kind of feels like he doesn't want me around.

I'm just... trying to get that old spark back.

What did you like about his emails?

Uh, pff, girl, just about every damn thing.

So funny and smart.

Emoji game, tight.

Yeah.

We just really connected, you know?

Listen.

He's been really focused on the show,

and he's kind of insecure about the whole thing.

Mm!

So if you could just let him have the spotlight every once in a while...

Wait. Was I hogging the spotlight?

- Just a little bit. - Ugh! God, I had no idea.

Thank you, Mia. It's been really nice working alongside you.

- Same. - Yeah.

'Kay, see you.

- Bye. - Bye.

The way I see it, great opportunity for you,

not just financially, but also professionally.

Being on the show's gonna get you top dollar for the house,

but at the same time, you can promote your personal brand.

Ruddy, Ruddy, Ruddy, you gotta relax.

Selling me so hard, you're gonna blow out a hammy.

You wanna list my house for the show? I'm in.

- You are? - Sure. Why not?

In fact, we should do it this weekend.

Throw a big bash, invite some VIPs for the cameras. You bring the family.

We'll make a day of it.

Josh... man, you don't know what this means to me.

- Anything for my baby bro. - Ha!

So I'm gonna tell the producers you're gonna give me the listing?

Why don't we save that for the show?

Make it more interesting.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Of course.

- You're gonna give me the listing, right? - Don't even worry about that.

So... how are things with you and Rudd?

Mm... I don't know.

I feel like he's opening up more emotionally,

and I've made myself more available, but it doesn't seem like he's interested.

- Ah... - He's just still so in his head.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

You might wanna think about eating that ass.

Excuse me?

Wait. Have you never done it?

- No! - Are you--

Wait. Isn't that kind of gross?

Oh my God. Are you kidding me?

- It's the oldest form of lovemaking. - No.

And getting your flavor cave tongued is the ultimate hard reset.

Wait. Hard reset?

You know when you turn on your phone and you wipe the drive clean?

That's what having someone go Joey Chestnut on your cinnamon ring

does to the human brain.

- Oh my God. - Restores factory settings.

- You're serious. - Oh yeah!

You wanna get him out of his head, you gotta get into his ass.

And personally, I think giving's even better than receiving.

Oh my God.

You are something else.

Oh my God.

- Bottoms up. - Whoo!

And then she baked me cookies.

How cute is that?

I mean, everyone at Big Brothers, Little Brothers

has just been incredible.

I feel like I've finally found my true calling.

Hmm.

You okay? You seem quiet.

I just don't get it. Why's Josh letting me do this?

Do what?

Put his house on the show.

I mean, like, what's his angle?

Maybe because you asked him and he cares about you.

Definitely not that.

He wouldn't even tell me if I got the listing.

Feel like he's setting me up for something. But what?

Okay, I've had it with this shit. Pull over.

What? Why?

I'm sick of you being in your head,

so stressed about the show and your fucking brother.

You're as tight as a fucking teenage nun.

- Excuse me? - You heard me. Pull the fuck over!

What?

We haven't done this in a while.

- The zipper's stuck. - The belt's a double hook.

- God! - Okay, okay.

- If I can... If I can get... - Hold on. Put the window down.

Go out the window, I can take your pants off.

- All right. Yeah. - Go, go, go. That's it.

- Goddamn it, come on! - That's it.

- Okay. I'm gonna... If I can... - That's it.

Turn around. Turn around!

- Okay. - Like that.

I wanna do something freaky to you

Baby

Is that your dad's car?

- It sure looks like it. - Wait. What are they doing?

Why is Dad facing that way?

I can't really make sense of how they're arranged.

You will someday, son.

You will someday.

I'd love to slide down Into your canyon

Slide now

- In the valley of love - In the valley of love

Wow.

Rudd, you look so cool.

Thank you, Mia. You look lovely.

They already started filming. Everyone's ready for you.

Oh no, they're not.

Wow.

Oh, hi. Uh, your mintiest drink, please.

Perfect.

Hmm. Hmm.

Uh-huh.

Oh!

Wow! Goddamn!

Look at this majestic silverback.

Atilla the Hunk.

I can't wait to hang back and watch you shine, twin.

Hang back?

Yes! That spotlight, all on you tonight, my man.

I'm the wingman. You're the king, man. Come on, now.

Thanks, Marcus. I really appreciate that.

- Wow! - Hey.

Okay.

Hey.

- God. You look gorgeous. - Thanks.

I love this. Reminds me of Lil' Kim in my favorite Missy video.

- "Supa Dupa Fly." - "...Fly."

- How funny. - Get out of my head.

Just call me Lil' Kimchi.

- Hello. - Yeah.

- I'm kidding. I prefer Mia. - Okay, yeah.

I look, and I see land ho. Hey.

- Big bro. - Hey.

Man, this place looks more impressive every time I see it.

Man, that's just your reflection, stud.

You tell them how you got this? You guys have to hear this.

Oh, hey. I wanna thank you for that advice you gave me about Rudd.

It was actually a nice, genuine moment we just had.

It's paying huge dividends.

- I mean, look at him. - One, two, three.

Ah!

Oh my God.

Hey, you wanna hang back with me and watch the big dog do his thing?

I'd love that.

Okay.

You know, Josh personally designed every aspect of this house.

So he had to make sure there was room for one of his true passions,

Chinese hot pot.

And my favorite combination is fish balls and Napa cabbage,

until tomorrow, when I have a new favorite, of course.

Fish balls, huh?

I didn't know fish had testicles.

Sh, sh.

Shit. My bad.

I was listening from the next room, and I couldn't help myself.

Rudd's timing was... Mwah!

The Little Brother you were telling me about?

Yeah. He's gonna hang back for tonight.

No, no. Don't be ridiculous. Marcus, get down in here. Have a seat.

- In there? - Yeah, come on.

You know what? I'm doing my thing out here, so--

Do your thing in here.

Okay.

Deirdre told me all about your story,

and I gotta tell you, man, it got me right here.

You've been wronged by so many people,

and yet, you still have so much love to give.

- Hmm. - But you know what they say?

My brother's brother is my brother.

My man.

- Oh! - Oh! You.

- Can I offer you a fish ball, Marcus? - Yes, of course. I love hot pot.

I was fostered by two 95-year-old Chinese sisters for a bit.

What do you got here?

Shui zhu rou. Da bai cai.

- Yu wan! - Yu wan!

- Ho! - Oh!

Xie xie.

- Am I blushing? - We're gonna get another Emmy.

Wow. What a spacious master.

Bro, I think they call it a primary now.

Oh, I didn't... We should cut.

- No, just keep on rolling. - Where the magic happens, huh?

- What does that mean? - Oh, you know, like all the sex and stuff.

Dude is really funny, man.

Hey, speaking of magic, let me show you fellas the bathroom.

Give us a minute.

This is where the real magic happens.

Who wants to rim the Grim Reaper?

What are those?

I'm not sure. Justin Timberlake gave them to me.

Said it's the same shit he took

when he wrote the song for that Troll movie,

so you know it's gotta be good.

Now, Rudd's a bit of a square, so he's not gonna indulge.

- That means, Marcus, it's all yours, baby. - Um... All right.

- No. "Square." - What?

Oh my God.

Yo.

Woo-hoo!

- I didn't know you partied like that. - Every day, bro.

Well, Justin said only do a tiny bump.

- You didn't mention that. - Oh, well, anybody else?

- No. - All right, let's get out of here.

- Wait. You're not gonna do any? - Who, me?

No, man, I was just being a good host. The only drug I do is the beat, baby.

Yeah, I think I'm good too.

Okay.

You're fucking us right now.

You see what's happening here?

- Joshy! - My brother's brother is my brother.

- Marcus is gonna steal this listing. - The listing is mine.

You're just another meathead in a suit selling condos.

You'll never be the big dog.

You need to keep Marcus away from Josh, you little bitch.

- Bitch. - Rudd.

Rudd. Hello?

The fuck is wrong with this guy?

I can't believe how much me, you, and Rudd have in common.

Yeah, it's pretty nuts.

I feel like the universe chewed me up and spit me in your mouth.

Yeah, we're like a ménage à trois without sex.

A human centipede of commonality.

And that last beat goes out to my new bro, Marcus!

Hey, brother man!

Huh?

- It's my-- - Marcus.

- Huh? - I need your help.

You need my help? Oh jeez. I'm actually nervous.

Go out on the deck. All right? Wait for me there.

No matter what, don't come in until I give you the signal.

Okay. Uh, sure.

Rudd, are you okay? You look like a glazed ham.

I'm fine. The bass is sucking me off.

Oh my God.

There you are, my man. I've been looking everywhere for you.

Oh yeah, just putting your amazing view in my spank bank for later.

Oh, I get it. I've pleasured myself to it many times.

- Brass tacks, my man. - Yeah.

I've been playing it cool with giving Rudd the listing to my place.

Maybe even acting like I'm leaning towards giving it to you,

to up the drama.

I give the TV people what they want.

But I want the big man to have a big win tonight. You get me, right?

Yeah, of course. That's like my entire thing.

Rudd, have you seen Shane?

Ugh, Deirdre, I don't have time for that. I'm doing something important.

What?

- It looks like you're dancing. - Yeah, very important dancing, okay?

I'm keeping the camera on me, and I'm keeping Marcus away from Josh.

- Oh God. - Where's Josh?

"Where's Josh?" "Where's Josh?"

- Where's Josh? Where's Josh?! - I don't know.

Where's Josh?

Fuck!

We're gonna go back in.

We'll gather the people together, make the announcement.

Yeah.

- I just have one request. - Mm?

Can I be the one to give him the good news?

My brother's brother is my brother.

- You got it. - Yes!

Yes!

No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No!

Oh shit!

- Oh my God. Oh my God. - What? What?

Um, he's not breathing. Does anyone know how to do an emergency tracheotomy?

I do. One of my foster moms was an EMT.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh... Shit. Sorry.

I'm coming down!

Oh God. Rudd's got a metal straw in his pocket.

He did drugs with it. No time to explain more.

- Here. - Yeah. Okay.

Once I stab his throat,

you put pressure on it to slow the bleeding.

Okay.

Oh shit!

- Ah! - Oh God.

Stay with me, buddy.

Ugh.

Oh my God. He's breathing!

Mar... Marcus, you saved him!

Marcus is a hero!

Thank you. I didn't... Oh.

- Incredible. - Oh my God.

- No. Please. I mean... - You are such a star.

Anyone in my position would have done the same thing.

Oh.

Phew.

- A miracle! - Thank God for this dude.

- Incredible. - It was nothing, really. Oh God.

You guys are too kind. Thank you.

- You guys would've done the same. - Hero!

- GOAT. Greatest of all time. - Stop.

- I'm just happy he's safe. - Yeah!

Let's all clap for Marcus!

He's a hero, right?

Wrong!

Rudd, what are you doing?

Oh, I don't know, hon.

Just wondering when we're gonna cut the shit

and stop pretending this stranger, this scam artist, is part of our family.

Rudd, what are you saying right now, bro?

Don't "bro" me, all right? I saw you out on the balcony with Josh.

You were planning to steal the listing of this house right from under me.

What are you talking about? No, we weren't.

How can I trust anything you say?

You've been lying to us the whole time. Hey, look at this.

Recognize that?

Oh shit.

This is Marcus's hospital bracelet from a fucking psych ward!

He's an escaped mental patient.

What's wrong?

Nothing to say now, huh?

No way out of this one, pal.

Uh...

He's right.

I did lie to you.

I was afraid if I told you the truth that you wouldn't accept me.

I've been rejected by so many people...

that, uh...

...I started to hate myself.

At one point, I was so... alone

that I thought I might do something drastic.

So I checked myself into a recovery center, and...

...it didn't help at all.

I guess I'm just meant to be alone.

I'm sorry I lied to you, Rudd. But I don't understand.

- Our emails, we had this connection. - He didn't write those emails.

I did.

Oh my f...

Goddamn it. You were catfishing me?

I wasn't catfishing you, Marcus.

- Everything in those emails was true. - Fuck.

I was just pretending to be someone else.

Okay, maybe that's the technical definition of catfishing.

- Yeah. - But why?

'Cause I didn't know you at all!

You're a stranger.

I am so sorry, Marcus.

He didn't mean that.

Yeah, he does.

But it's okay.

Goddamn it.

Marcus, wait!

Just leave me alone.

And cut!

I think we got it. Good work, everybody.

- That was phenomenal. - Yeah. Hey, drive safe, okay?

That was incredible.

Nice work, big dog.

You think that you're wise

And you're really on the ball

When it comes to love, then winning

Oh, oh

You don't know

Nothing at all

And you'd better take it

Take it

- From a loser - Take it from a loser

- Why don't you take it - Take it, take it

- From a loser - Take it from

- A loser - Take it from someone who knows

All right, Marcus, remember, if I make this, you get an H.

Yo, Rudd!

No way!

- Who's that guy? - Oh, that's my older brother, Josh.

He's home from college and interning at Goldman Sachs.

He can bench press his own body weight and has sex with girls.

- He's the coolest. - Cooler than you?

Let's go! I need you to help me get into a high school party.

- Sorry, Marcus, I gotta go. - Same time next week?

Uh, yeah. For sure, dude. I'll call you.

Who the fuck was that?

Just some dumb charity thing I'm doing for college.

- Take it from a loser - Take it from a loser

- Why don't you take it - Take it

- Why don't you take it - Mm-hmm

- Take it from a loser - Take it from

- A loser - Take it from someone who knows

Oh yeah

Yeah?

Hey, Big Brother of the Year!

Just checking in, making sure you're all set for tomorrow.

You're still coming to that? I thought I ruined everything.

- Wha... what do you mean? - Huh?

I don't know. Destroying Marcus in front of everyone?

- Putting my brother in the hospital? - Oh.

Oh, that. Yeah, hey, you're all good.

I mean, it's a villain edit for sure.

- It was giving demonic, sociopath. - Oof!

It was like, "Who raised this monster?" honestly.

Tough to watch.

But the network is loving it. They're eating it up.

The only problem is, we don't really have an ending.

Hmm.

And the only thing that audiences love more than an iconic villain

is a redemption moment.

And so we think Marcus giving you the Big Brother of the Year Award

is the perfect ending to your season arc, brother.

Yeah.

You know, after what I did the other night,

I don't think Marcus is gonna be there, so...

Let us worry about that.

Yeah, we... we've been in this situation before.

You have? It seems very specific.

We'll handle the Marcus of it all.

You just show up and be your great self.

- Get excited. All right? - Okay, we view you as family, for real.

- For real. We love you. - Love ya.

If you need anything, call my assistant.

Jesus.

Dear Rudd, thanks for your last email.

Your words were super comforting during the eviction and the trial.

You're the best big bro a guy could ask for.

Rudd, big bro, how you living? Thanks for the advice you gave me. The...

Well, I was in another plane crash,

and I'm once again having major survivor's guilt. F my life.

Hey, brother. I just feel really alone right now.

So grateful I can lean on you.

Dude! Guess what, Rudd.

I saw a horse the other day,

and it reminded me of when we played Horse.

Remember how I thought it was called "Whores"?

First thing I'm doing next time I see you is challenge you to a rematch

on the courts.

Hey, Rudd. I'm so grateful to be able to call you my brother,

the only family that hasn't abandoned me.

Brothers for life.

Brothers for life.

Brothers for life.

Boys, I really appreciate you being here for me for my big speech.

We're not here for you. We're here for Mom.

Yeah, to be honest, we're not psyched about you accepting an award

for helping a guy whose life you ruined, so...

I'll admit, not my finest moment.

But they say Marcus is gonna be here today,

so maybe we patch things up and move forward.

We're gonna go find seats.

And everybody's happy.

Amazing. Hon, you did such a great job.

Yeah. Thanks.

I know you were looking forward to this.

- If what I did took away from that-- - Oh, I'm... I'm used to it.

Right back where I started, throwing a big event for a fake cause.

Enjoy your night.

- There you are. - Hey. You seen Marcus?

No. I wouldn't be surprised if he never wants to see me ever again.

Really? I thought you two hit it off.

He liked me. But he was still just getting to know me.

He loved you.

Oh, you made it! I'm so happy you're here.

Marcus?

Marcus, I'm so glad you're here.

Of course, big bro. Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Oh, look at you two getting along already. I love it.

Yeah, but that's not Marcus.

What are you, the cops?

No, it's a body double.

He's gonna hand you your award on stage,

and then we are going to paste Marcus's real face

right onto him using VFX.

- You can do that? - "You can do that?"

Yeah, we can do that.

Most of the Oscar speeches you see, people are busy, so it's just that.

We do that. So he's going to give you your award.

You're gonna make your speech, then Marcus here

is gonna give you a big ol' hug and say...

Love you, big bro.

- Aw! - "Love you, big bro." I'm crying.

- And the Internet goes crazy. - Talk about a viral moment.

You know, it's for the best that Matilda broke up with me,

'cause dating a rock was so hard.

But this new relationship,

it's so much sexually softer,

and the smell...

Oh, okay. Okay, Keith. That's a... that's a great... great share.

Um, let's hit the pause button on that. To be continued, yeah?

Oh Jesus!

Ow.

- Ow. - Marcus?

We've been over this.

- We can't readmit you. - Why not?

We just finished repairing the other ceiling you destroyed.

Why didn't you just walk through the front door?

I told you. I was trying to sneak back in.

You didn't need to sneak out in the first place.

You were here voluntarily.

Doc, I feel like you're not listening to me.

No, you're not listening. Look, I know you've had a hard life.

But there's nothing medically wrong with you.

You're just... kinda weird and extremely lonely.

Are you kidding me? Look at me. I'm a mess.

I went out, and society chewed me up and it spit me out.

I need you, Doc. I need help.

- I'll suck your dick. - What?

I'll suck your dick. Look away!

- I'll suck it. - Marcus. Marcus, listen to me.

Barring some sort of psychotic break...

...there... there's really nothing I can do.

- Okay? - Okay.

- I want you to stand up. - Sorry. That was inappropriate.

- I'm getting up. - All right.

I'm okay.

- Okay. - And I'm walking away.

Good. Good.

No, no, no!

Not again.

- How's this, Doc? - Marcus.

Is this "psychotic break" enough for you?

- I'm fucking loco, ese! - Fuck me.

I am honored to be giving out such a special award,

one that only goes to the most deserving of Big Brothers.

Someone who's dependable, humble, and always puts his Little Brother first.

A man who would never turn his back on someone in need...

- Hey, looking good, Uncle Josh. - ...even if doing so would benefit him...

Doctors say I'm gonna make a full recovery.

Oh, what is that thing?

Electrolarynx.

Only temporary.

But it's the same one Michael Douglas used

after he got throat cancer from eating his wife's pussy.

- Yeah. - But not my husband, my Rudd.

So please welcome our Big Brother of the Year,

Rudd Landy.

Love you, big bro.

Thank you, Deirdre, for that incredibly gracious introduction.

Thank you, Big Brothers, Little Brothers, for honoring me with this award.

Thank you, Marcus, for coming into my life.

And I mean, look at us.

All these years later and our bond couldn't be stronger.

Heck, sometimes I forget we aren't actual brothers.

I can't do this.

Everything I just said was bullshit.

- What is he doing? What's happening? - What the fuck is he doing?

Marcus has been failed by a lot of people over the years.

I think I might be the worst of all.

My whole life,

I've been obsessed with earning the respect

of my own big brother.

My brother, Josh,

is one of the most impressive people I've ever met.

From the moment I could walk,

all I just wanted to do was earn his approval.

Man, even when I had it, I couldn't see it.

That man checked himself out of the hospital, that I put him in,

just to be here for me today.

The truth is, he never cared about how successful I was.

Neither did Marcus...

or my wife, Deirdre...

who stood by me, even though I became somebody she didn't recognize.

And, gosh, that type of love is easy to take for granted, isn't it?

But unconditional love is what being a brother is all about.

It's what being a family is all about.

God, Marcus understood that.

I didn't.

That's why I can't accept this award.

Hey, Rudd,

what the fuck are you doing?

Something I should've done a long time ago. Get my car. Meet out front.

No, you need to get back out there.

That is not an ending. You have an obligation to the show.

Fuck the show. I quit.

- Hon, I'm sorry I ruined your event. - Oh, I'm so glad you did.

Deploy backup Rudd.

Love you, big bro.

- Love you too, man. - Yeah.

I'd like to thank my wife, Deirdre, for that incredibly gracious introduction.

I would also like to thank...

Rudd.

Seeing you open up like that in there has given me the courage to say,

I've always been a little jealous of you.

- You, jealous of me? - Oh, come on. Look at your life.

Look at this beautiful woman.

Two kick-ass kids. And what have I got?

- A 19-million-dollar house. - Yeah.

And a McLaren P1.

And a different Instagram model in my bed every night.

Two vineyards.

And a group chat with Robert Downey Jr. and Simone Biles.

But what's important is what you have.

Your family, which is your legacy,

and I'm just glad to be a part of it.

Oh, hey.

I gotta go. Don't wait up.

Wait. Where are you going?

Going to get my little brother back.

I can't believe you're letting me drive this thing.

Why? It's just a car.

So what's the plan? He could literally be anywhere.

I think I know where he is.

Hey, roommate. I missed you.

Whoa. Who's that?

Jesus!

It's you, but made from lunch meat.

I have to do a new one every week, or it attracts vermin.

That is the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Man, you feel so much better than roast beef.

I gave you a vagina.

Shit!

It's locked.

I guess I'll book us a hotel, and we'll come back in the morning?

Rudd?

Rudd?

Marcus?

Marcus?

Marcus?

Ah, shit.

- Sorry. - No, I'm sorry.

I'm so territorial about my window.

It's my toxic trait.

- Who are you looking for? - Marcus Pinchel.

- Three windows over, one up. - Thanks.

Shit.

Someone's climbing up the wall.

Mm. Let me guess. It's the Grinch again?

No, not this time. It's a big, strong guy.

Rudd?

What does he want?

Marcus wants to know what you want.

Tell him I wanna talk.

He wants me to burn down my high school.

What?

I'm coming in.

Whoa.

Jesus.

Okay, where are the cameras?

No cameras.

Just me.

S... so, what? You finally feel bad for me or something?

Well, don't worry. I'm right where I belong.

I don't need your pity.

I'm not here to pity you, Marcus.

I just wanna talk.

Look, I don't know what came over me with this show.

I've just always wanted my brother to look at me a certain way.

The truth is... and I didn't realize it until you were gone,

but the way I want Josh to see me

is the way you see me.

I've been looking for it ever since I was a kid.

It's been in front of me the whole time.

You're the brother I always wanted, Marcus.

I'm just sorry I hadn't been there for you.

And I'm not just talking about these past few months.

And-And I'm sorry I wasn't there when your parents died,

and you had to move into that orphanage in Dunbar.

You read my emails?

Every single one of 'em.

I'm sorry you lost your brother, Manny.

You had to go through the pain of that all alone.

Yeah. Manny was my best friend.

I never got to tell him I loved him.

Well, I'm not trying to replace him.

But I want you to know that from here on out,

I'm there for you,

brother.

- I thought you said we weren't brothers. - Yeah, I said a lot of stupid shit.

But you and I,

we're brothers for life.

Don't say it if you don't mean it.

Wouldn't dare.

Well, then, can you say it again? 'Cause I really liked hearing it.

Brothers for life.

Brothers for life.

All righty.

- Good luck. - See you, Doc.

Hi.

Hey, Marcus.

There's something I need to say to you.

Yeah.

I'm... not a perfect person.

There's many things I wish... I didn't do.

But I continue learning.

I never meant to do those things to you.

And so, I have to say before I go...

That I just want you to know

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is...

I'm sorry. I...

I can't do this right now, Mia.

I get it. It's gonna take some time for me to earn back your trust.

What? No.

You kidding me? We just nailed that whole moment.

We just sang a Hoobastank song together.

That was so hot.

We're gonna obliterate each other's holes tonight.

Probably again in the morning. That's gonna be a short session.

- I wanna walk crooked to work, girl. - Yes, please.

It's just that, uh... Rudd and I have some unfinished business to attend to.

Me and baby brother

Okay, we got this, baby. I ain't scared.

You sure you wanna do this?

- Absolutely. - Been waiting for a while, huh?

- Uh-huh. - Okay, we'll start easy.

One foot, left-handed.

Okay. Beginner's luck.

It's okay. It's okay.

- Too easy, big dog. - I'm just warming up.

Check this out.

No!

- Oh shit. - Fuck!

- Jesus. Marcus, you okay? - Christ!

Oh my God.

Walk it off, baby.

- Redo, please. - Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

I'm not scared. I'm bringing the thunder and the lightning.

- Oh my God! - Oh shit.

- Jesus. Are you okay? Let's call it. - Hoo!

No. Give me the goddamn ball.

- Okay. - Check this out.

It's probably your concussion.

- Redo. - Ah, shit. Redo. That was a warm-up.

Hee-yah! Dang it. Kobe!

- Hang on. This basket's bad. - Something's up with it.

Did you notice?

Yes!

- Oh. Whoo! - Nice!

- C'mon, now. Come on, now. - All right.

- It's all on you. Catch up. - Marcus!

Me and baby brother

Used to run together

Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah

Welcome one another...

Broker Brothers commercial, scene one, take one.

- Hi. I'm Rudd Landy. - And I'm Marcus Landy.

And we're the Broker Brothers. We put the "real" in real estate.

And we can help you find your forever home

or that perfect rental that suits your needs.

- Right, Marcus? - That's right, Rudd.

But keep in mind, nothing is forever, and there's no such thing as perfect.

Inevitably, we all meet our maker in the end.

Cut. Can we try a more upbeat version?

I was trying to be real.

- No. Let's just go again right away. - Yeah.

You want a back massage?

Hard pass.

You could use a back massage.

And I studied in Bangkok.

It's gonna hurt for a while.

But you gotta trust me.

Whoa!

I'm sorry. I thought I saw you on fire.

Get in the fucking...

Thank... Oh.

Oh yeah. Call me the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock.

I don't know that reference.

Oh, well, it's Jim Henson's lesser-known work!

Get on your knees, bitch.

You wanna be my toilet?

I'm sorry. What was I... We'll go back into it.

Broker Brothers commercial, scene one, take five.

Hi. I'm Rudd Landy.

And I'm Marcus Landy. We are the Broker Brothers.

And if you don't like the house we found for you,

we'll buy it back at double the price.

- No. Cut. Cut. We're not doing that. - Why?

- Boom in the shot. - Oh shit. Sorry. My bad.

Fuck! Fuck. I'm a fucking idiot.

- You're doing amazing, okay? Just relax. - You calling me a liar, bro?

- Yeah, I guess I am. - Oh, you...

- Guys... - Easy! Easy!

Meryl Streep hasn't given an acceptance speech in 20 years.

It's a small Filipino man who stands in for her,

and we paste her onto him.

And it works.

Let me spot you.

And three.

And... four.

And... I didn't brush my teeth. I'm so sorry.

You are my rock, my mountain. You are my everything.

- And-- - Get off of me!

Okay, all right. Okay.

Success!

Slightly to the left.

- Camera left. Other way. - To your right a little bit.

- God! Oh! - Can you get it in your mouth?

Ah, it's up my nose! It's in my no...

This is crude humor.

And I will not be a part of a project with such disgusting taste.

This would pair nicely with Rudd's ass.

What else do you wanna do, you little freak?

69, 72, 83.

I don't know any of those.

John Tesh composed the NBA on NBC theme song on that piano.

And that song fucks.

Broker Brothers commercial, scene one, take 39.

Broker Brothers will out-muscle the competition!

We'll make sure you get the most ripped, bulging...

- Ah, cut, man. I can't do this. - Oh, really?

Aw, come on! Don't be such a stick in the Rudd!

That was right under our nose this whole time.

On NYC Hustlers, there's a new season

and a new reason for attitude

when we add two dudes.

There's never a dull "bro-ment" when these two guys are around.