Original subtitles

It's my wife, Debbie.

She's run off somewhere. You've got to help me find her.

I've got this sneaking suspicion that this guru she met in her meditation

has something to do with it, but... I don't know. Of course the police think

crazy.

A buddy of mine said you were the best in San Francisco.

Will you help me?

Sure, Angel.

Sure, I'll help you.

Samantha Spade is good.

I'm very good.

Now just slow down. Start at the beginning.

Okay.

Well, it all started a couple of weeks ago. Debbie caught me... Hold it, Tiger.

You're jumping the gun.

The beginning is where you place 100 clams neatly in the palm of my hand.

100 clams.

Take a check?

No dice, Yuppie.

Cash only.

Now you can start singing, Bertie.

Okay.

Well, the whole thing started a couple of weeks ago.

Debbie caught me screwing around with my secretary and my receptionist and my

law partner's wife, but it really wasn't my fault.

See, our marriage was really going lousy.

Anyway, for a couple of weeks there, it was really going great.

And then I realized that our sex life was going right back to where it was

before. Crummy.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Morty.

Sweetheart, I thought we were going to be romantic tonight.

We are going to be romantic.

Careful, this is expensive cream, and they just shipped it all the way from

Belgium.

Made with lamb fetuses.

Do you have to wear it now?

Yes, now, and every night. You want me to be desirable, don't you?

I'm cold.

Honey, do you think you could read this later?

Try just spending a little bit more attention on me.

Well, excuse me.

You know, Morty, it's always me, me, me, me.

Baby, honey, do you think you could help me get my car card?

Morty, I just did my nails. You know I have lunch with the girls tomorrow.

Come on, how about some of that great head you've been giving me?

I just lost.

Come on, please.

Hmm.

I love you in that position.

Ten, ten -oh.

It's going to be on Johnny Carson.

Why do you suppose Miss Ice Cunt would pull a disappearing act?

I don't know, Sam.

It was all my fault. I just got so pissed off at her. She makes me so

Buck up, kid.

Nobody could blame you for blowing a bolt.

Sounds to me like this doll is more interested in Johnny than your Johnson.

No, no, it wasn't.

It wasn't that.

The next night at dinner.

Yeah, that's what really did it.

Honey, this looks delicious.

What is it?

Oh, it's California Flamingo.

Do you like it?

Well, it looks well.

Gee, California Flamingo, a candlelight with the occasion.

Well, I just wanted to talk to you about this new yoga class that I joined

today.

Susie told me about it.

That's nice, but I thought Tuesday was your standing appointment with that

hairdresser.

Montseur Jeffrey?

Something like that?

Oh, well, it is, but I switched it to Thursday.

You have to hear about my new teacher. She's so fabulous.

She's so worldly and so mystical.

She's great. She calls herself Shakira.

She's not Indian or anything. She just adopted the name.

You sound really excited about it, honey.

Oh, Morty, I am.

She believes that everybody is plunged into the universe.

to a greater knowledge.

And she says that we pay too much attention to our physical bodies and

should, you know, pay more attention to our true happiness.

I thought yoga was supposed to be proportions and exercises and things

that.

Morty, that's just a simple tool to relax your mind and body and soul.

Shakira says that we should read this, Look, by, um, by, what's his name? Um,

Shuru Shaddamati, and...

I got some exercises I want to try out myself later.

Morty, please.

Look, she's got her way of receiving divine knowledge, and I have mine.

Well, that's what I want to talk to you about.

What's that, dear?

Well, Sakura says that we're too drained with our physical relations. It's a

barrier and can block out from the divine light. And she says that we

celibate for a year.

Needless to say, Sam, I was steamed.

I didn't know what to say. She was determined to do this.

Go celibate for a year.

Did you ever think about taking her by the nipples and twirling around above

your head?

I think that would have explained a few things to her.

No, no, I'm not that kind of guy.

Besides, her older brother's a weightlifter. He'd kick my ass.

So I just tried to keep my mind off it as best I could.

I couldn't believe it. The sexiest girl in the world standing right in front of

me. God knows what she was doing there.

But all I know is we hit it off right away.

We started to hit off a pretty interesting conversation.

All of a sudden, I saw my wife's hairdresser, Jeffrey, standing there.

I didn't think anything about it at the time.

It's pretty stupid of me when I think about it now.

Uh, Candy, I got a little sweaty jogging. I think I should take a shower.

Oh, no, you don't have to take a shower.

I want you to keep all the sweat on your body.

That's why I picked you up.

Are you wearing a jockstrap?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.

Good.

Take off your sweats and leave the jockstrap on.

All right.

Is that not incredible?

Sounds to me like the plot of a bad adult movie.

So nasty.

I love that sweaty. All over my body. I want you to rub it all over

me.

Actually, it's not that bad.

See, I told you, a little self -discipline wouldn't hurt much, would

Well, I nibble on candy. That seems to help.

Well, that's nice. Just make sure you keep the calories off.

Yes, dear.

Debbie, I'm so sorry.

I've waited all week to tell you this. Since your last appointment, it's been

bothering me and bothering me. The other day, I was coming back from town.

I saw Morty. He was jogging in the park, and Morton just came jogging by, and I

went to say hello to him, but, well, he met this girl.

Debbie, he met this girl. She was just standing there looking very innocent.

And so when I went to say hello to him, what made me suspicious, what really

made me suspicious was the fact that he didn't introduce me, and he got all

flustered. Well, they walked off together down the park.

Now, this is for your own good. Deborah, I wouldn't want to hurt you ever, but

what I want you to understand is I'm not suspicious.

I'm not usually like this, but I followed them.

I followed them a few blocks to her house.

It's a small house just a few blocks from the park where I was.

I don't know why. I never would have done this usually, but I walked up to

bedroom window and I peeked in.

Deborah, you wouldn't believe what I saw.

The teachings of Guru Shuddamundi.

Are to let go of your resistance.

That creep! That bum!

I'll cut his damn balls off.

The white light coming around your head, through your body like a white

ribbon. Fuck the white ribbon!

And soothes you.

Breathe in with me, Debbie.

Fuck the breathing!

And breathe out.

And let go of your negativity.

Your body.

Is a conduit. Fuck the conduit. In the universe.

Now, sometimes the universe needs a little help, Debbie.

Breathe with me.

Breathe in. Let go of your inhibitions. Take your clothes off.

Be naked and holy and peaceful.

Take your clothes off.

That's it.

Do you feel the calm energy coming into you, Debbie?

Yeah.

If your husband has made love with another woman, then to heal yourself,

You too must be with another woman and make love to her.

What?

These are the teachings of the guru.

To let go of your inhibitions.

To heal yourself by letting go.

What?

Get into it.

I don't believe...

Oh.

suck my tits oh god

You're gonna suck my pussy, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

scum. I have gone on a pilgrimage to find inner peace.

I won't be coming back.

P .S. If I do come back, don't touch the VCR.

It's set to record lifestyles of the rich and famous.

Tonight there's a piece of Fawn Hall.

Debbie.

So you want me to find her?

Sure you don't want this broad to stay lost?

I mean, what about candy?

There are plenty of other candies around there.

Depending on how big a sweet tooth you got between your legs.

I just want her back, Sam.

I just want my Debbie back, and you gotta help me get her back.

Say you'll help me, Sam. Say you'll help me, please.

Relax, Angel. I'll help you.

Boy, you yup sure tickle me.

For all your BMWs and gold cards, you let hot sex, a thing that's free, go by

the boards.

You'll suffer your whole life, and for what?

Don't worry, Angel.

I'll help you.

Wow.

They're good.

I like them big.

Just like my men.

Let's get out of town, sweetheart.

Looking for the Guru Shuddamundi? Please. Shakira sent me.

Enter.

Master.

You must be Devi.

Are you the Guru Shuddamundi?

Shuddamundi.

Shakira has spoken much of you.

She did not exaggerate your great beauty.

Know your glowing energy.

Moment.

Yes, great master.

Okay, everybody, meditation is over for today. Please, come back tomorrow.

Now off, off, quickly.

The lessons I will teach you must be conducted in absolute privacy.

Gosh, I'm so honored.

Indeed.

I shall prepare the energy enhancing elixir.

Thank you, Chandra.

Chandra is just now learning the divine ways of goodness.

Slowly.

Please, relax yourself. You must be fatigued after your great journey.

Please.

Try this on to become more comfortable.

Do you have some place where I can change into this?

My child.

You must not be modest in front of your master.

Right.

Silly me.

Eat it, Lunetti.

Oh, my God.

I am merely a guru, not a god.

So now what, guys?

We will now embark upon a journey of discovery.

Please, have some magic elixir.

That's it, sweetheart.

Toilet of the city.

Home of Guru Shuddhimundi.

He lives here?

Look, I didn't want to tell you this until I knew you could take it.

But he takes yuppie housewives, fills their heads with spiritual mumbo -jumbo,

and puts them to work in his massage parlor. We've got to find her.

Although I'd love her to learn how to give a really good massage.

Where you been, huh? Hey, knock it off.

Knock it off, huh? What are you doing in this part of town?

You're not saying much for a small -time dick.

Or in this case, a dickless dick.

Oh, God. I should be playing racquetball right now.

Huh? Get your ugly mitts off me, Gaines.

Okay. Now it seems to throw the cards about the other way, Bozo.

Huh? Huh?

Tell this punk to drop that gun.

Tell him who I am. It's okay, Angel. Give me the gun.

What? Come on, give me the gun.

You did good, Angel.

I like your patter.

Morton, this is Lieutenant Mike Gaines, Police Department.

Hi.

Look, I need some information on Guru Chudamundi. I'm fast.

Can't do it, kid.

Come on. Lieutenant, you've got to help us. This guy's got my wife.

Hey, fuck your wife, all right?

What do you mean, fuck my wife? I'll handle this, Morty.

What do you say we discuss this over at my office?

I owe you for that last case, remember?

Yeah, that sounds like a pretty good idea.

I'll be back in an hour. Meet you back here, Morton.

Okay, I'll just hang around here and scout out the location, ask a few

questions, see if anybody's got any information, just like they do in the

movies. Look, don't get yourself in any trouble.

And remember, this ain't the movies.

This is real life.

Excuse me. Oh, hello, hello, yes.

Yes, I'm looking for the guru.

Guru? The Shudumundi.

Shudumundi? Would you like to come into my palace of fine beauty? No, no, no,

no. I'm looking for the guru. You do not like girls? No?

Sure I like girls. I'm married to a woman. You are homosexual, maybe. I have

many, many boys, boys and boys.

Look, the guru Shudumundi. I do not know any guru Shudumundi. Are you sure?

Well, the sun shines so brightly on my mind that the pocketbook tends to close.

The pocketbook? When the pocketbook is open.

I'm sorry, little boy.

Okay, I think I read your language here.

How much?

Well, um... First of all, do you know where the guru is? Of course, of course,

of course. Whatever opens your mind to the universe, you know. Okay, round

figures, how much? Round figures, oh... Five bucks?

Five... Fifty bucks.

Fifty, fifty bucks.

Fifty bucks? It's a student discount, fifty bucks. Usually it's a hundred

You take American Express, right? Gold card.

American Express, no problem. Gold card. Two forms of IDs, please, and a

driver's license.

So what's the gambit, Gaines?

You going to give me the info on this guru, or aren't you?

Yeah, yeah, Spade, I'm going to give you the info.

I get the feeling it's not going to be so easy.

You're right.

You better be careful.

You might make my pantyhose wet.

Then we'd be even.

Your pantyhose wet, too?

Are you a wise guy?

So what's it going to take?

A little head.

A little head?

Yeah.

Yeah, I know how to give head.

Just put my lips around it and blow.

You got it.

What's an alligator doing in the tree?

It's doing the backstroke, lass.

Well, get it away from me. Get it away.

It is a product of your mind, my child.

Merely will it away, and it will be gone.

Thank you, Abraham Lincoln.

And what are you doing here?

And how come I have a hundred fingers all of a sudden?

You must go with the flow of the universe, my child.

my little blonde bucket of pleasure?

Einstein was full of shit. His theory was so stupid that it had so many holes

it, it isn't even funny.

Ask my friend Meredith.

Meredith?

Yeah, she's sitting right over there.

You are a wonderful conduit of the secrets of the universe.

I could eat a million chocolate chip cookies right now.

How about a meat popsicle?

Okay, where?

My dear.

It is here for you.

All the different colors.

This doesn't taste like a meat popsicle. This tastes like dick.

It is merely your mind playing tricks on you, my child.

Yes, my sweet.

My

child.

You are rapidly learning the truths of the universe.

The ways towards pleasure.

To gain yourself true happiness.

To gain all of us true happiness.

Yes.

Think of this as the finest fruit on the earth and swallow it deeply down

into your womb.

Thank you.

It's going to be real hard.

Heaven's early for my life.

Soon we will make you enter the heavens as well.

You are an empty vessel to be filled.

And I will fill you.

My sweet.

I am going to fill you full.

Truly.

Oh, great guru.

The finest palace in all of the land.

Yes.

Yes, my guru.

Oh, my child, you are an empty vessel to be filled.

To be filled.

All over you to be filled.

There's much which we will put within you.

My sweet, my child.

You are the perfect vessel.

You got no money, huh?

Have to do the old -fashioned one.

Yeah, but aren't you got him a dickless dick?

Come on, Gaines.

Come on, fuck me like you're the citizens of this community.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Sven, Sven, get over here. Come here.

Come here, quick.

Get over here.

Get out of here.

Yeah, look at that.

Yeah.

Can you give me the information?

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Let me get it all right.

Look at it. Get right down there.

See that, huh?

That's information.

That's information, huh?

Oh, slow, slow down there.

Yeah.

You like kissing?

Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God.

I'm starting to remember all kinds of shit. Yeah? Yeah. You tell me

Everything, baby.

Give it all to me.

Yeah, that's good. Nice and slow.

Nice and slow, I think.

What did you say his name was, huh?

Oh, Srimundi.

Srimundi, huh?

Yeah. Very hot.

Oh, baby, it's nice.

Yeah? Yeah, it's nice.

Do you remember him? Yeah, baby.

Oh.

Oh, come on, baby.

Come on.

Come on, tell me you want it.

You want it? Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

That's a lot of information.

I think I got it all.

What did you say his name was?

Guru Shuddamundi.

Guru Shuddamundi.

Last time I saw him was six months ago.

Yeah?

Where?

Where does he hang out?

He was here.

He's hanging out with a bunch of fucking creeps.

I could have busted him if I wanted to.

It's only three blocks away.

Great.

You know what?

I'll write it down for you, kid.

You're good.

Yeah? You're very good.

You are too, kid.

Anytime.

The lessons do you well.

Oh, could we not share this old great guru?

I think possibly I might, oh, in a short while,

have you also teach you some lessons, some truth.

Oh, don't say that again. I need the guru's address.

Come on, I've given you enough money already. I'm already up to my limit. You

have given me inspiration from above to open myself to you. I've given you a

thousand dollars.

Who is that?

No, no, no, Faye, it's all right. This guy is going to help me find the guru.

He has information that cost me a thousand bucks, but not bad for an

huh? Give him back his money, Fred.

Fred?

Your credit card will reflect back on your balance.

Give him his money, Fred.

You could apply it to your future purchase, maybe.

Okay, but... I thought his name was Pasha.

He's a con, Morty.

A con?

He still took care of your covens, baby.

Come on, Sugar. I know where the girl is. And I found out the honest way.

I get...

I guess private eyes are porn, not me.

I'm going to squirt my throat in the air.

Oh, yes. Oh,

yes. Oh,

the York is with you. Yes.

You are now filled

full.

Debbie! I knew this was too good to be true.

How'd you like me to put this where the sun don't shine, fella, huh?

Just helping her to knowledge.

Morton, can I see on your nose?

What did you gunga den freaks do to my Debbie?

Just discovering truth.

Come on, Debbie, we're getting out of here.

She already shut the door, you stupid.

She shut the door. Sam, what did you want to talk to me about?

Well, kid, it's been a couple of days.

I wanted to see how you and the ball and chain were doing.

Oh, good.

Real good.

No, not so good.

Lousy.

That's what I was afraid of.

I don't know what it is.

You know... She takes you for granted.

Right, sugar? Yeah.

Yeah.

She figures you'll be a good boy.

Yeah. You won't get tempted.

You'll always be home for her when she wants you.

Yeah.

Well,

you know, there's a method to my madness, sweetheart.

I've had my eyes on you, even though you whine and you snivel and you hang on to

that broad.

Oh. I want you.

No. You sure smell good.

You sure kiss good.

I'm a private dick.

I like dick.

my boobs need to be sucked and sucked often i

want them to be always sucked

Remember, Spade, what we're trying to do here is reenact a crime.

I see what you mean, Miss Spade.

I can't take this man for granted.

I had to teach Missy here a lesson, once and for all.

May I join you?

I think you better.

Thanks.

Here's looking at you kid.

I think you kids will be okay now.

Oh, Debbie, I think we're gonna be just fine.

Just fine.

Ah, another taste, though.