All language subtitles for Scary Movie 2026 1080p DCPRiP x264-FS

Well, they're cool.

Girl, if it itches, it's class.

Hey, girl.

Want some brown liquor?

Brown liquor don't make this for the
bath.

Tequila it is.

Here you go.

Now that shit right there make your
pussy pop away. Yeah, fam.

So what are you doing here anyway?

What do you think I'm doing here?

I'm starting in the opening seat.

Been there, done that.

Pick up the phone!

Pick up the phone!

Richie? Tiana. Hey.

You know, I thought it'd be easier for
the audience if they didn't have to make

more texts.

Yeah, that makes sense, because you know
these motherfuckers can't read.

I know.

Who goes to see your ways, brother?
Well, it's nice to...

Phone beat you in this super awkward
way.

Likewise, but I gotta be honest. When I
seen your profile pic, a bitch almost

swiped left because you look mad goofy.

But surprisingly, you know, them goofy
niggas got big dick, so here we are. I

take you for a Jersey girl.

A Jersey girl?

Listen, I love Jersey down, but I'm a
Harlem girl. Born and motherfucking

raised. Real niggas only. Yeah.

Oh, so you're black.

No, motherfucker.

I'm black.

No cap.

The cap.

Fuck all y 'all.

Bitch, spit them pearls back out.

I want your shit.

Hello? So tell me, what's your favorite
scary movie?

I don't really do them. You know, all
the super tropes and shit. Why is it

always the white bitch at the end?
Because they know it's too hard to kill

sister. You know what I'm saying?
Because if the sister can survive

cheese, we can survive anything.

You know, it might help if you met me
outside.

Met you outside?

Boy, you just needy.

What's your sign? You must be a Scorpio.

How'd you know?

Good dick, though. But toxic as hell.

Hey, is the restaurant near an alley?
Yeah, it's hurrying before they rob your

ass.

You know this?

Ah, that's that cheap bitch.

Heard you, ho.

Okay, I'm coming down the alley now.

I'm here. Can you see me? I'm waving.

No.

The person I'm looking at's not waving.

Like they're just staring at me. Well,
stare at his ass back.

And don't blink. Never blink. You got
scrunched lips and going like, what?

No, they're walking towards me now.

Oh my, oh no, they have a knife.

Well, don't lead his ass over here.

And that's not the worst part.

The worst part is, you know so much
about horror movies, and yet you still

walked into the alley alone.

Yeah, but the worst part is, you're
fucking with a New York bitch.

Seriously, man? I didn't recognize a
bird call. I thought you was going more

with a... That's a pigeon, nigga.

It's going to be... A hawk simply didn't
attack.

Are you done?

Bitch,

I'm Tiana Taylor. My ass got ass.

Can I ask if we can work this out?

It's your hard -headed asshole.

Welcome to your sucker.

Hey, Tiana.

You might have kicked my ass, but you
still didn't win that Oscar.

What you say about my Oscar?

Did I stutter?

You lost.

You right.

But I won that Golden Globe, dude.

Oh, my God, really?

That's why I never watched horror movie.

It's fucking terrible.

Just a bunch of celebrity cameos and
fart gags.

I'm more into Judd Apatow films. You
know, elevated comedy.

And what is elevated comedy?

The kind that doesn't actually make
anyone laugh, but makes white people

smart.

Tuesday, don't answer that.

Could be ghost things.

Oh, come on, Elle.

Stuff like that only happens in the
movies.

Oh, hey. I wasn't expecting you to
answer the door.

What the fuck?

Now, here's my wife.

This is Hello Tuesday.

What'd you take? Just Ritalin for my
ADHD.

Adderall for PTSD.

A couple of Banex for my anxiety.

And your voter pills.

So good luck getting it up now.

Jesus! Sarah, how many did you take?

I don't know. How many come in a bottle?

Hey, Jeff.

Sarah, Toothpaste's in the hospital.

She was stabbed by a killer. You know,
Ghostface.

Wait, from Wu -Tang?

What about Ghostface Killa, a .k .a.
Pretty Tommy, a .k .a. Starkey Love,

he stabbed my sister?

God, Sarah, it wasn't Ghostface Killa.
It was somebody in a Ghostface mask.

Oh.

Okay, that makes more sense.

I ate the wand!

Jesus, Jack!

What? I was thinking about wearing this
for Halloween.

My strange blast -tested half -sister
was nearly killed by...

I'm going with you.

Not because I'm the obvious killer
trying to lure you back to your

I'm just a supportive boyfriend.

That's all.

Okay, let's go. Get in the car.

Listen, we just have to make one stop on
the way.

I survived.

All thanks to my lucky penny.

I hate when y 'all leave. Come here,
young.

Come on, turn off this ratchet -ass
music. It's embarrassing, especially for

black women.

It's not embarrassing. I'm the cool mom.

Everybody wish they had. I'm lit.

Don't forget, I got practice later, so
I'll be home late. You only made the

because you're black, and those racist
fucks assumed you could play.

It's 2026. I don't think race is an
issue.

Do you read black Twitter?

No. Oh, wait.

Are you still dating that hoe?

Okay. Stop hoe -shaming her, heifer.
Just because Daryl and them ran a train

her doesn't make her a hoe.

She's not a hoe.

She's sex positive.

Well, I'm positive she's a hoe.

What's your dish here? Bloody
schoolgirl.

How we ho?

Hi, this is me.

Love the hair.

I mean, I'll take your sponsor.

Well, thank you very much. I gotta
invite you over and make you a little

pot. Ooh, you know what? I gotta get to
African American history class. We're

learning about slavery.

Time to find out. It was a choice. You
see that right there?

That Kanye?

That's right.

They've been teaching us wrong all this
time.

Mm -hmm. Stay black.

Bye, Ma.

All right.

Bye, baby. Bye, sweet.

Bye. Son, I put some condoms in your
bag. You know, I may try to trap y 'all.

Mom.

Okay, seriously?

Sure, Greg. You don't have to walk me to
class. I'm fine. Jess, there's a serial

killer on the loose.

I'm not going to let anything happen to
my baby girl.

Boy, okay? I'm a baby boy. I'm sorry.

I'm having a hard time with this
transition.

Okay, it's really simple.

Treat me like one of the guys.

Okay?

I can do that. Yeah.

Slap fight.

Oh, you call that a slap?

Who the hell did you do that for?

Don't act like such a bitch.

Bitch.

Not bad.

What the hell is like this?

Do you want some tea?

Oh, my God, Mother. You look like shit.

Hey, please. This is clearly a woman
who's run out of condition. Oh, be

where you walk. The whole place is booby
-trapped.

You never know when that psycho's going
to come back.

Come in.

Okay.

I hate this job.

Mrs. Campbell.

I'm Jack, Sarah's boyfriend.

I've heard so much about you.

None of it good.

I've heard nothing about you, Jack. I
assume you're a piece of shit. But how

would I know when I haven't heard from
my daughter in what?

Six months?

Six years, mother.

And whose fault is that? And whose fault
is that? I don't know. Maybe it's

yours.

That's fair. We want to learn from the
horror you survived.

Look, Scary Movie 3 and 4 paid me a lot
of money for a girl. There is nothing to

learn there.

But if you want to talk about the house,
Bunny, shoot. It's happening again.

Some asshole in a mask. We have to stop
him.

You're not ready, lovebug.

I have been preparing for this for
years.

Sacrificed everything.

You are a terrible mother.

Come on, honey. We had some good times.

Like that Christmas that took you to
meet Santa at the mall?

Your turn, Sarah.

Move. Hi, Santa.

Sorry if I don't sit in your lap. You
creep me out.

Be sure to thank him.

I

am

sorry if that's how you found out Santa
doesn't exist.

Mother, I need your help.

To heal our emotional wounds and put the
past behind us?

God, no.

No, to kill Ghostface.

Do you have any guns?

I am Cindy fucking Campbell.

I've got millions of guns, but none of
them are registered due to my mental

health issues.

So if you could just keep that on the
low.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm going to be fine. I didn't
hurt myself on any of these fights.

Okay, so I spoke to Sarah earlier.

Oh, is she coming? You know I did hear a
buzzing sound.

So it's possible.

No, I meant to Woodsville.

Dumbass. Oh, yeah, I forgot that. Say,
Jimbo, go deep.

Go, go, go.

Sweet.

Speaking of going deep.

I don't know if it's a good time.

Everyone knows what happens to teenagers
who try to make love when there's a

killer in the loose. Brad's right about
one thing, guys.

The ghost face is back.

We need to arm up.

Pepper spray, check.

Taser. Check.

Butt plug?

Double check.

Goddamn! You just carry that thing
around?

It's easy to hide.

In your butt?

I'm impressed.

What's up, huh? Huh?

I'm tired of you little Gen Z alpha
niggas using terms like unk and auntie,

gaslighting and glazing and glamping,
trying to make my generation sound old.

I ain't your damn unk, nigga. Shorty,
you're our mother's brother, so yeah,

technically you are our uncle.

Oh. My bad. Yeah.

Crazy that they let you teach here.

Teach? Nah, nigga.

I attend.

You're looking at a proud 25th year
senior.

When are you finally going to graduate?

By the time we do a sequel and I got to
follow you little young niggas to

college to give my check.

Wait, guys, Tuesday's the week.

All right, Tuesday. Who the fuck is
Tuesday?

Hey, we got to go to the hospital. You
going to take the bus home?

No, the PJ.

Private jet?

Yeah, jealous.

Man, you smoke weed all day. You just
play video games, live stream.

You literally got money doing nothing.

Exactly. I leave the hard work for the
old head.

Still the same shorty. All right.

Check my crypto. Oh, shit, I'm up $3
million.

Damn, that one down 5 million.

This shit crazy, son.

us to bring her. It's okay.

You heard the call of sin. Yes, you did.
But the Lord has called on us to show

men such like you the way.

Come on, son.

Come with us.

Come on us.

God see you coming.

So don't cheat that come on. We need you
to come like you never came before.

Come for the father, come for the son.

I'm going to hold your hand and we're
going to come together.

In the name of God!

Let it go, Ray!

Let it go!

Nigga! Oh, my bad.

Last time.

Let's welcome a new member to our
congregation.

Let people know how you feel.

I'm not gay no more.

I'm not gay no more.

I'm gay no more. I'm gay no more.

I'm gay no more.

I'll no longer date a man.

Even if he sets his hair with a big old
checkers and perky areolas.

Oh yeah, you still got a figure.

I'll no longer carry a purse, put on
makeup, walk around in high heels.

Red bottles.

One with a cute little buckle on the
side.

This is my shoes.

cheaper i thought that was my
anniversary right oh this nigga got a

i no longer stand butt naked in the
mirror with my penis tucked between my

dancing like a dude from silence of the
lamb they put some ocean in the basket

precious i'm a changed man i've been
delivered

No,

no, no, no, no.

Walking toward it? Oh, my God, in the
morning.

I'm trying to get that out for an hour.

How are you feeling, too?

Hey, what is he giving you for the pain?
Is that more pain?

Oh, bitch.

Let's see.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh, this is good, good.

What's up, Brittany?

Beer shit makes Monica half -naked dance
around and juggle some knives.

Sarah, who's that Jeffrey Dahmer
lookalike?

Oh, this is my boyfriend, Zach.

Really nice to meet you.

Looks like Ted Bundy to me.

Well, that ain't none of my business.

This little stabbed -up bitch here needs
some rest. So y 'all get the fuck out!

Yes, ma 'am.

Oh, not you, Sarah. Why? What did I do?

I'm so scared.

Oh, Tooth. You should be.

You've been stabbed nine times.

And the killer knows where you live.

I would invite you to come stay at my
place, but I don't really want that kind

of juju in my house.

For all we know, he's standing right
outside that door.

Comforting stare.

I thought I was going to die.

I know, me too.

I planned a funeral.

What the hell? And I wrote your
obituary.

More like Chat TV T wrote it. I thought
you were still here.

And I will never let anyone hurt you.

Oh, God!

Fire was the shit, baby. That's my show.
Drugs and that interest. I will make

this Gucci want to pop, pop, pop. Dear
Lord, please accept this white bitch.

the Lord works in mysterious ways.

I'm going on break.

Oh, cheers.

I will never let anyone hurt you again.

Who is this?

So what? Who knows your little secret?

No, no, no. I swear that wasn't a Nazi
salute. Okay? I won prom queen and I was

throwing my heart to the crowd.

No.

I'm talking about your family secret.

Oh, you're the fuck who hurt my sister.

Well, I had to get you to come back
here.

Listen, if you want to fuck with me,
asshole, then come and get me. With

pleasure.

You're welcome.

It really looks like you got hit with
something hard.

Like metal. I told you, I fell.

Now where exactly are we going?

To talk to an expert.

Go away!

I'm so sorry to bother you, we just...
We just want to ask you a few questions.

Give me one of these words to talk to
you.

I'm white.

How white?

Oh, I'm talking Tavis Owens white.

Oh. Hey, T, when you said expert, I
assumed you meant more like Neil

Tyson or... I'm Sarah Campbell.

I was attacked last night. I think you
should leave.

I don't want to get stabbed, and I don't
like COVID, okay?

Please, come on. Just two minutes.
That's all I'm asking. No, no.

I'll give you eight minutes.

And another thing.

Oh, I got to get you to go.

Now you guys are going.

When did the work week become the woke
week? We've got Black Friday. What's

next? Mulatto Monday?

I mean, Yellow Thursday?

Let me get this out of your way.

Sorry.

Oh, coffee tester's done.

Yep, you're good.

You're Cindy's daughter, right?

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know him.

Oh, this is Jack, my love interest.

No, no, no, no. Rule number one of
surviving a horror movie is never trust

love interest.

Look at him.

He's got that weird lazy eye poking one
way, and then he's drooling like a

psychopath. He's got that stomp leg.

Makes the wall walk weird and creepy. I
don't have a stomach.

That guy does.

Oh. I'm looking at me.

Special Officer Dippy.

Retired. Listen, Doofy, we could really
use your help.

No. I can't go back to that life.

Plus, we're in the middle of a global
pandemic. Okay, I hate to break it to

but COVID has been over for, like,
years.

Really?

Yeah.

What am I going to do with all this
candy?

Yeah, I don't want to go straight to
society.

And don't come back.

What is he doing?

Okay, just because he showered doesn't
mean that... Yeah, I didn't shower. I

just take water from my mouth.

No, that's okay.

Come on, Doofy. Yeah, do it. Sarah, is
your ghetto -ass mom coming? Or can we

start talking about this plot?

Uh... Hi.

You came.

Not in like 15 years, honey. But I did
buy this new rose, so fingers crossed.

You taught me how to dance?

How to make a high -end word pie?

Nigga, I'm writing back to you.

Sweet! What's up, Sandy?

How you doing, my nigga?

Shit, son!

I can't believe you thought I was dead.

Well, between cancer from the weed,
smoke, your love of the McRib, and

cops, I didn't think you had a chance.

Yeah, that's a terrible comment.

Hi, Finn.

Stop smiling at me!

Shit! Wildstar!

Wildstar! Wildstar! Hey, he's
intellectually disabled. That's just how

you drunk honky. Hey, hey, hey. Don't
call that white bitch a honky. Come on,

have some respect.

I keep seeing people smiling everywhere.

I'm not very likable, so it must be some
kind of curse.

Hey, everybody!

Look what I got!

Non -branded...

with brain alcohol and GHB, so ain't
nobody sipping nothing ain't consent to

life. I apologize.

I love roofing myself.

No. You sure, baby?

Hi, Brenda.

Please do not call me by my government
name. Call me, Ma.

Cindy!

You dropped the train.

Oh, my God!

neglecting my children so I can prepare
to kill Ghostface should he ever return.

What about you?

Well, I've been mostly just getting high
school kids drunk in a desperate

attempt to stay young and keep my kids
at home. I always knew you'd be a great

mom. Oh, Cindy.

Should we hug?

Oh, I really want to, but I'm a
Republican now, so I'm supposed to be

Oh, girl, I think all white people are
racist anyway. Come here. Okay.

Oh.

Do you want to share?

Oh, yes, yes.

You know, Ma, this place could be so
cool if you had like a beer pong table

there, maybe like a snack wall.

What you know about cool? When I was
your age, I was popping bottles with

Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, all the
Shons.

That ain't as well. Your mama was the
freak in the freak -offs.

You want to see something cool?

I'm going to show you something cool.

That's cool. What are you doing?

What? No, not like that.

I don't know why y 'all acting so
scared. The gun ain't even loaded.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Uh -oh. I did it again.

I always forget that last one in the
chamber. Help me move this back.

Yeah, you got it. That was fun.

Oh, so what are you doing after this? I
want to go with Calvin.

You know what? I used to put cocaine up
my hoo -ha and travel there all the

time. All right.

Let's get back to the plot.

I'm looking at you, Ted Bundy. I'm
looking like a school shooter. I think

the killer.

Oh, me?

Okay. What about Deputy Doofy over
there? I don't have a motive.

Yeah, what's my motive?

You were the killer in the first movie.

Shouldn't you be locked up? No, I got
pardoned. Mostly because of storming the

Capitol, you know. I got proof.

It's me.

Oh. In a train.

That's a cool hit.

What about Jeff?

What about me? If anybody here has
issues that could lead to murder, you've

this. Trans -shaming is not cool, okay?

He's just a dude. Yeah. Finest stuff for
body strength in the dick part.

Hey. You don't know what I got down
here, okay?

I do.

Hey, hey.

Listen, what we know so far is everyone
who's been attacked is related to the

original characters.

He wants to kill the kids.

He's making a reboot -a -quote.

A what now? Yep, it's like a reboot and
a sequel. Mix of legacy characters with

new characters in an attempt to feed
into bullshit nostalgia and bring more

to the theaters. Just like last year's I
Know What You Did Last Summer.

That's a movie?

What did I do last summer?

I think you're talking about the summer
I turned pretty. Yeah. Ray, when did you

get here?

Oh, I didn't. I was just hanging out by
the men's room.

Oh. Mama?

Okay, so that means that our killer is
writing his own version of horror movie.

Okay, so according to the rebooty call
rules, who's the killer?

I think it's pretty obvious.

Hell.

You bitch.

Me? Guys, I am not the killer.

Ghostface attacked Tuesday to lure me
back here. I think he attacked Tuesday

get you back here so he could get me
back here. He wants to kill the OGs.

was a flex.

Yeah, that sounds better.

Fuck this!

And fuck you, mother!

To your mother?

Hey, don't be so disrespectful!

And call me mom!

Talk to me. Hello, Sheriff.

Agent Underwood?

I'll give you one hint.

What's your favorite scary movie?

Well, I'm going to go with Stomper.

I mean, the member on that English guy
was terrifying.

And Ken Jeong's junk in The Hangover was
a much better depiction of the male

anatomy. And what do you want, fuckface?

Well, I'm just calling to tell you that
by the time you get home, I'll have

gunned at your baby girl.

Hey, asshole, she's a boy.

Looking for this?

Let me help you.

I got your baby dick.

Winky, winky, winky, winky.

Here we go.

What do you want, fuckface?

Like father, like son.

I understand you're home alone.

Well, dad's out, but...

The pool guy, the gardener, and the
plumber are all here, asshole.

Look out your window.

No, but they're the backbone of the
American workforce.

I'm not too white to do those jobs.

Let's cut to the chase.

I'll ask you one question.

If you answer correctly, you live.

Who was the killer in Horror Movie?

Um. That's easy. It was Bobby and then
Kay Ray, the guy who was totally into

dudes, even though he claimed he wasn't.
Classic 2000s homophobia.

But I got you, bitch. Wrong.

You forgot Special Officer Doofy. Now
you die.

Oh, for God's... You should probably
answer that.

I can literally see you trying to steal
my package.

Oh, yes.

Namaste.

Uh, some steak.

Let's go, Puff.

Wait a sec.

Careful. You will not manage to kill us.

You are about to identify as dead.

Ew.

Stand like a girl.

Come on, girl. What is that ghost face
stuff for? For the ghost face killer

collection bundle.

This is Kiki West for OnlyFans Rapid
News. Rapid News. You mean Vapid News.

You don't even have a cameraman.

My equipment.

Excuse me.

Oh, my.

You're... Yes, yes.

three -time Emmy nominee for Outstanding
Achievement in Sensational Reporting.

I was going to say the lady from
Friends, but shorter, plus Botox. Oh, is

what you were going to say?

Yeah. You seriously don't know who I am?
Baby girl, I am Gail. Gail Swallows.

Hey. Gail Storm. Gail, Gail. Get the
hell out of my way.

Doofus? Hey, Gail.

You haven't aged a day.

You've aged like a million days at this
many crimes. Yeah, your fingers feel

like genitals. What are you doing in
that ridiculous uniform?

I'm back on the case.

Yeah, I'm going to bust Ghostface.

Well, um, tell me, Special Needs Officer
Doofy.

Wow. Are there any suspects in this?

Tragic yet completely predictable
incident? I'm not allowed to say.

No, no. Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

Tell me.

Tell me.

Hey,

remember when you used to give blowjobs
for sensitive information?

I don't give blowjobs anymore, okay? Not
since Me Too.

Okay, sorry.

I give handjobs now, but the story
better be good. Okay, I'll do a handjob.

Let's do it.

What's that?

What the?

I'm going to get you. I'll go right
there. I'm going to get you. Right?

You got my outfit, you little critter.

Maybe weed shouldn't be legal.

Fuck yeah, it should.

Hello,

shorty. You do know that smoking is bad
for you.

Actually, weed ain't bad for you. You
got vitamin T, C, and H, C, B, and D.

What's the matter, Shorty?

You look a little chancy.

Maybe because there's a masked serial
killer sipping tea in my den.

Shorty, you're my nigga. I mean, friend.

Please, sit. Ty.

Do you want to quit smoking?

Well, to be honest, I try to quit.

But my mother said I ain't raising no
quitters.

So I quit quitting. We could try
hypnosis.

Bro, I don't care how many pocket
watches you try and wave in front of my

It ain't gonna work, son.

You can't magnetize me.

Sleep.

Shorty.

Hmm?

What's up?

Tell me about your mother.

Damn, nigga.

Let's start with something light. Like,
do you lick ass?

Yes or no?

The answer's yes.

So what?

What happened to her, Shorty?

She was coming home.

Her car was parked on the side of the
road.

Someone was in it.

And something bad was happening.

Why didn't you call anyone?

I had warrants. You were 11.

I started young, nigga.

What?

Do you see?

I see a big explosion of water.

It was like a civil rights host.

Police said it was a murder -suicide.

She killed that man.

When they opened the car door, his limp
body just slid out.

Like the green nigga in Shape of Water.

I just didn't want it to be real.

What don't you want to be real?

That my mother was a squirter.

Okay. Tell her, Garner. All the floors
in her bedroom was warped. I can't move.

You're paralyzed.

Now, sink into the chair.

Wait, no, wait. Sink.

Now I'm flying, time for dining, cause
I've got the machine.

They don't need a reason to bang these
demons.

Now we're moving up here.

We're going up, up, up. We're going to
be smoking. We're about to be smoking.

We're going to be smoking.

Up, up, up.

We're going to be smoking.

We're going to be talking.

We're going to be smoking.

That dream was wild.

That must have been Elon Musk.

Tuesday?

Tuesday?

Bobby?

She's gonna die.

Our daughter, Sarah?

You're probably right. She's tough, but
let's see her get stabbed in the cut.

I'm gonna die.

Bobby, you're already dead.

This hallucination is a manifestation of
my own guilt for being an awful mom. Or

it could be the shrooms I just popped.

You're gonna die.

Bitch, you ain't killing me.

You're gonna die.

Stop smiling.

I can't. I won't talk.

Hey! This is the mental ward.

Everyone smiles in here.

What? Oh, um, could you point me in the
direction of the ICU?

Is it that way or that way?

Uh, visiting hours are upper. Oh, yes,
of course.

The network wants me to clarify that
Black Friday has nothing to do with

Well, just tell that to my black friend,
Benita, who's probably clocking someone

over there to target as we speak.

Right, Benita?

Come on!

Man, you ain't Michael.

Michael got that cherry curl.

What is that, son?

Is that Gillette? See?

People think it's Aladdin, but it's
actually Shabby. Boy, your hair look

fondue. It's dirty.

Michael's got a monkey.

I got a llama.

Fuck, Michael. You can't dance, boy.

I'll be back.

I can do more.

What is this?

Jermaine.

Coming Juneteenth.

Only on Tubi.

I'm a bootleg batshit.

Hello?

Fuck this.

I'm gonna miss you all.

Oh, hell no!

Stay black, don't die!

Stay black, don't die!

Jack?

Did Sarah tell you to come?

Um, yeah.

That's why I'm here.

Not to murder you or anything like that.
Then why are you wearing gloves?

Would you believe I...

And thinking about dressing up as O .J.
Simpson for Halloween.

But those fit.

No! Whoa! Doc, cool bro, you almost did
a thing!

I mean, no!

I'm gonna gut you like a pig!

That is so true.

I've got to get better writers.

Wait until I stick my knife down them.

I'm crying over here.

Step aside.

Official police seriousness.

Do me.

I like doing that.

Move.

You son of a bitch.

What the?

My psycho mother said, always keep us
trapped.

Go. Go. I'll take you to my picture.

I'll take you to my picture.

Scooby, it'll never happen.

Ask Demi Moore.

No, no, no!

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Scooby,

what the fuck?

You smell my finger.

Doc, what the fuck was that?

My ass.

Fuck your ass.

That's my ass.

Any last words?

I go pooping.

It's your boy Shorty. That's right. It's
another Halloween -a -thon, and it's

another day of me getting paid mad money
for doing absolutely nothing.

Why, you stupid motherfuckers, watch
out!

You didn't call me dumb!

I want to give a smooth shout -out to my
sponsor, Angry Orchard Hard Silo.

They got mad apples, son.

It's me, it's me!

It's me! It's me! It's me!

You want to be a Halloween -a -thog
without a dope guest? He's a legend in

streaming game. Give it up for Kyle
Simmons!

Let's get serious. What brings you to
the chat?

You promised I was going to be in a
movie.

I've been calling you. You're ghosting
me.

Bro, I thought that was one of my crazy
-ass baby mamas. That's my bad. Speaking

of ghosting.

Somebody was talking to you.

Hello? What's your favorite scary movie?

We're back in the internet,

son! What's up, my guy? You got some
angry, weren't you? They got mad apples.

And we're going to smack the fuck out of
you. You got to guess who did it. It

doesn't even make sense.

This is a dumb game.

So that's our suspect.

Goes by the name Shorthand.

Was the handyman at a house reputed to
be haunted in 2001.

Was right in not telling me.

But your wife hates you.

You believe the earth is flat. And you
voted for Trump.

Three times.

What, I was supposed to vote for the
woman?

Huh? I believe shorthand is the
notorious ghost face.

What'd their mouth do?

You did look pretty sketchy.

I got the wrong guy.

And you know that because you're
psychic?

No. I don't know.

That guy's black.

He's kind of... not that black.

It's like gravy brown.

Hit him with your strong hand.

Rest him anyways.

Oh, I didn't tell him.

Turn off your body cam.

This hailstorm, welcome back.

Doc, I'm begging you. You gotta help me
look younger. These little bitches are

killing me out there. They're wearing
nothing but a sausage casing and a ring

light. Trust me with this withered,
decrepit, age -ravaged body.

And I will make you whole.

One middle -aged white lady special
coming right up.

Thanks. I'm going to play a quick video
on the ins and outs of the procedure,

and then we'll get started.

Do you wish you weren't so old and
saggy?

Do you wish you were younger, sexier,
fuckable again?

One single injection unlocks your DNA,
creating a new, better you.

This.

It was dumb.

Doc, this isn't that Gwyneth Paltrow
crap that makes you smell like her

is it?

You were thinking it. But you said it.

White chick to my ass.

Hey, Sarah.

Tuesday, I tried to visit you. I am
sorry for everything, especially

your name.

It was Taco Tuesday. I was super drunk.
But I promise you, I will kill this

motherfucker. It's fine. Really, we're
cool. I'm not. Forget it.

I'm going to take you to the car.

Dumbass! I'm taking twos away from all
of this.

I tried to run two, but it follows.

Yeah, you're probably expecting a
flashback to that movie, but it's too

Mommy's weird. You have sex with
someone, give them an STD, and then they

them in the form of their naked grandma.
It's like an STD biopic.

Ugh, the killer is taunting me. Why
doesn't he just kill us?

Oh, speak for yourself.

Like, what are you waiting for?

Oh, no, no, no, sweetie, sweetie. It's
like this.

I wish you weren't my mother. What are
you waiting for?

Candyman.

Candyman.

Candyman.

You sure about this? Yeah.

Keep saying it.

Candyman.

Candyman.

What's up? You got that candy, man?

I got weed gummies, peanuts, fruit
chips.

And what take you so long to show up?
Come on, Clarence. I called you five

times, nigga. Show up in three. You
ain't even call me on the phone.

Lucky I was walking by and heard you all
through the hole in this wall.

Fix that shit. You shut your ass up. You
need to go to a proctologist and get

your skin looked at. Having acne over
the age of 40 is wild work.

I look better than this nigga.

Maybe on this side. Hey, ain't no time
for beating. We about to be high as

We going to party, son.

I don't know what I got. I don't know
what I got. I don't know what I got. I

don't know what I got. I don't know what
I got.

I don't know what I got.

I don't know what I got.

Ray, let me guess.

You are Woody from Toy Story.

Nah, Brenda, that's gay.

Jake Gyllenhaal from Brokeback Mountain.

I wish I knew how to quit you, but I
can't.

You love that movie.

Hey, Brenda.

Huh? Have you seen my big old bag of
candy?

It had chocolates, gummies, lollipops.

It's going missing. No, no, no. It's not
missing. I passed it out to the trick

-or -treaters.

Brenda. That's my stage.

Hey!

Do you know how many baby seals die from
microplastics?

Yes, God save us.

My God, he stabbed her. Got her. My
pronouns are they, them.

He stabbed them.

I'm over 40. How am I supposed to keep
up with all of this?

She's not wrong.

It's Karens like you that keep the
patriarchy going with their knees on our

necks. Now you're playing the race card?

I've had enough of her shit. That's it,
bitch.

And to be clear, my real name is Spirit.
Oh, shit. This is too good. Ignore the

insults. They don't realize we're here
to help them.

Toxic masculinity and mansplaining
doesn't help anybody.

How's my masculinity toxic?

I love women and sports.

Just not together.

Come here, bitch.

I've got to be next. I ain't ready for
this. I've got to be next.

I'm so psyched.

I blame the man that's here.

Uncle Shorty. What's up, nephew?

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

It's about, you know, how to go down on
a girl.

You talking about eating pussy?

It's so cringe, but yeah.

Well, maybe if you stop talking like a
14 -year -old white girl, you can learn

something. All right, so listen up.

First thing you got to do, you got to
spread the name. You got to open it up.

Then you want to use your fingers.

Sometimes you can use two.

Two fingers like that there.

Now once you get it all in there, now
you got to use your tongue.

You can't be afraid of it.

Yeah,

lean into it.

No, no, no. You're doing it too fast.

What are you going to listen?

You got to be gentle. You got to talk to
it.

How you doing, little guy? How you
doing?

It's like rolling a blunt.

All you got to do, nephew, is hit that
shit.

Got it?

All right, now.

Want to learn how to lick ass?

Ask your mama.

Oh, you feel so good.

Oh, yeah.

Elle, I want to try something.

I thought you said you'd never let me
pet you.

What? No.

Relax.

I just want to taste you.

Okay.

Dinner time.

Oh, yeah. Come here, baby.

Careful.

I might get gangster.

Oh.

It is gangster.

Okay. I slapped you so hard you want
some more?

Yeah.

You feel so much better than Daryl and
them.

Get back in there. Yeah.

Lick it. Yeah.

Lick it hard.

Finish her.

Oh, my God.

Just like rolling a blunt.

Now all I gotta do is hit it.

What the fuck?

Hey there.

We heard tell of a Halloween party.

You didn't now, did you? We're here to
drink, play bad music, do some half -gay

shit.

Why just half -gay?

Can I help you?

If you'd just invite us in.

Why do you need an invitation?

Folks show up to parties uninvited all
the time with their little nasty -ass

casseroles. Landon's shit. Y 'all better
start using some Lowry. Mm -hmm. And

why she got them dirty -ass feet? Look
like you was walking around porn sets

day. Got them trailer pop toes.

Ha -ha -ha -ha -ha! Jesus!

I think you're in the wrong place.

Y 'all quaint?

No. We believe in music and quality.

How about we show y 'all? It's okay now.

Weezy's rolling around in her grave
right now.

Why

don't

y 'all just go to one of those frat
parties where they drink until they

out and wake up with their booties
hurting, not knowing what someone in a

hat did to them. Yeah, what?

Okay, well, we will leave you guys
alone, but we're going to walk real slow

in case y 'all change your mind.

Change your minds yet? Nope. Hell no.

How about now?

No. No.

Yes? Hell no.

Keep walking. Now get it. Sarah, come
on. Right, folks, you're getting weird.

Guys,

I think I saw an open window over here.
That window's closed.

Not for long.

Yeah, I just left my inhaler.

Honestly, too, so I thought inhaler was
the worst plot device in movie history.

That's true. Should have been at bay.
But we're here now, so let's make the

of it. And where's the white closet?

Sarah?

Hello. Get your sister and get out of
there right now.

Okay, hon? I am a grown -ass woman.

Mother, I don't have to do anything you
tell me to do. That's the house where

your psycho father killed those people.

Someone wanted to get you there.

Which means someone wants to get me
there.

Oh my God, this isn't about you.

Why are you yelling? Because the camera
is so fucking far away.

Wait, hold on. Are you tracking my
phone?

You're breaking up. Yes.

of years of slave shit?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't see that
movie, okay?

I just found this thing in the shed.

Jeez.

Come on, bro.

That's even worse.

I didn't mean it that way.

Some of my best victims are black.

And another brother falls victim to gun
violence.

Turns out race is still an issue. That's
not fair. You know, black guys usually

diversity.

Just give a whole new meaning to dead by
daylight.

Oh, yes.

Hello,

shorty.

You're about to be hired.

Bro,

why are you running backwards, son? Oh,
no, it's not me.

Something's wrong. Nick, your remote is
upside down. You're fucking hired, bud.

Game on, bitches.

Oh, thank God you're here. Where were
you?

Goosebeats was just here.

I was outside getting some pressure.

Stop.

One of you is the killer.

Why do you have blood on your hand?

I found Brad outside.

She's the killer.

I am not the killer.

I'm not even sex positive.

I'm a virgin.

No way.

You're being like every dude.

What doesn't count?

Since you saw that. Welcome to act
three, bitches.

What?

What does that even mean?

When the shit goes down.

Oh, I still don't really know.

to make this.

Do you have one bigger and black?

Oh, right. Thank you.

Hey, who are you? John Wick?

I would have said ballerina, but nobody
saw that shit.

Let's do this.

Okay.

What do you think?

I think Drake lost to Kendrick.

such a bitch -ass move.

About this situation.

Oh, that, that's definitely a trap.

She don't know where we are to bend it,
then it... Rachel!

Am I gonna make it? Hi, darling. Oh,
God, Cindy!

Oh, God!

Bitch! I'm not dead yet!

Oh, my bad.

Now you go back in there.

Finish it.

For me, Cindy. I would do anything for
you, Brenda.

Yes,

she bought it. That old ketchup trick.
It don't fail.

That bitch is crazy if she thought I was
taking my blocked ass back in there.

Attention all killers.

You have five seconds to show
yourselves.

My favorite ball.

Go find your own damn closet.

Sorry.

Hello, Cindy.

Hello. Looks like you forgot the first
rule of surviving a horror movie ever.

Answer the phone.

I thought the first rule was you never
trust the love interest.

Really? Well, I'm changing the rules.
How about that?

New rule.

Go fuck yourself.

Wait, wait.

Why do you hate closets so much?

I told you to come out.

Yeah, well, I didn't want to get shot.

Ironic, isn't it?

Oh, God, it's good, babe.

It's humbling.

You think you're John Wick? I feel like
I killed your dog.

Mr.

Dog, it's just a metaphor.

It was about losing his wife.

Sure it's not an allegory?

Let

us

begin.

Oh, that stunt girl is good.

a dick.

Shoot him, Sarah. End this. Don't tell
me what to do.

This isn't the best time to resolve our
mommy -daughter issues, but Sarah, I am

so sorry. I have been a terrible mother.
I don't even know your sister

Wednesday. Tuesday.

Have to clarify that for legal reasons.

But I prepared you for that.

So go on, baby.

You kill him.

Sarah! Jack! Sarah!

Jack! Sarah!

Jack! Sarah! Jack! Sarah!

Jack! Thank God you're okay, because I
really wanted to be the one to kill you.

Take it, baby.

See, I told you it was about me.

No, Sarah.

You were just a bait.

She's about to hurt him.

Fuck! Oh, sorry, honey. I hate being
right.

You should have listened to Doofy.

I love interest.

It just isn't too obvious, you know?
Which makes you think it is not obvious.

Same page, honey. Yeah, well, that's the
twist.

Now get in the kitchen. Go.

Okay, listen up.

See, there hasn't been a great horror
movie since the first one.

We're going to save the franchise.

Go get our special guest star.

Hollywood! Out of ideas.

Why else would there be a scary movie
set? But it wouldn't work with just the

new characters, would it? We need the
legacy characters.

Oh, and there wouldn't be Cindy without
her sassy black sidekick, Brenda.

You ain't have to say black with no
heartbeat like that.

Brenda!

Well, I wouldn't go that far, but...
Sure.

Go get Tuesday.

Okay, ladies.

Time to save the bodies.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Who are you people?

We're the motherfuckers that are taking
over this franchise.

Oh, yeah?

Okay. Oh, my God. That was not part of
the plan.

Neither was this.

Kevin Hart with it.

What? Shaq?

That's right. On my knees on the same
height as Kevin. And Kevin said no.

Kevin Hart said no? That little
motherfucker says yes to everything.

Yeah, he does.

But wait.

There's more.

Ta -da!

Bitches! Ray!

Shorty! Yeah, that's right.

Four black killings. We're making
history.

This is a new definition of black
excellence.

But why would you do this?

The question is, why would you try to
make a sequel without us, huh? Yeah.

the studio wanted to replace these
brothers, I was there.

That's facts.

What about me?

What about you? You were in one scene in
part four. Yes, but I made that

motherfucker Dr. Phil cut his foot off.
And he crazy now. Yeah, he got weeded.

But you see what they trying to do? They
trying to pit us all up against each

other. They trying to start black on
very black crime.

That's right.

Yo, Shaq. Hey, I'm proud of you, bro.
You've had an amazing career as a sports

commentator since retiring from
basketball.

And I love the big podcast.

I love that shit.

Even though I don't understand a word
you be saying.

You be on that show.

Kobe.

Enough.

But my point is, nigga, I love your
shit.

But I never got over Kazam.

Get your big ass up here. What?

You and Kobe would have had... That
motherfucker traded me.

How big is your butt? 22.

Then how big is your dick?

What the fuck you talking about? I'm
doing it for the culture.

What culture?

Culture club.

Come on, Ray. We're killing people. Stay
focused. All right, all right. We back.

Hey, don't you worry. We family.

Mad respect.

Black is nominated for eight Emmys.

Actually,

the show was only nominated for five.

I was nominated for eight.

But you never won.

What?

Something's managed to me,
motherfuckers. This is for doing scary

didn't know they fired the families.
This is for copying our good times

on Slackish. But you guys are on the WB.

Nobody saw that shit.

No, no, no.

And you, and you, y 'all went and did
scary movie three and four without us.

Nigga, I'm sorry. They offered me so
much money. I got a new house, a new

got wings that don't itch.

What about you?

Well, I had a chance to work with the
incomparable Charlie Sheen.

That's good. He's a legend, and his dick
game is crazy. You know, he slept with

47 ,000 women, and 1 ,000 of them women
were dudes.

Lucky guy.

Wait, so y 'all gonna kill us now?

Nah.

What would Halloween be without Jamie
Lee Curtis?

Or Scream be without Nev Kim? That would
be Scream 6.

How did you guys pull all of this off?

Sandy.

You know how many Wayneses there are?

Nigga, billions.

Billions. I'm just so happy that the old
gang is back together.

Okay, in the middle, on three, core
four.

No, no, that's corner swag.

What about the young and the restless?

Yeah, or the old and then the beautiful.
Or the cute and the crusty. Yeah, or

the sexy and then the seen.

We were brought in to take over the
franchise.

That's right.

You guys are like 70 years old.

I just dragged that one to the subway.

Oh, my back hurts.

Guys! Guys!

They're already dead.

Nah. Little fuckers always come back.

Oh, no. Not this time.

Exactly. Come on, Ray. Let's go. Let's
go.

Besides, we get to do all these dramatic
walkaways with the fire in back of us.

But damn, it's hot.

I don't know.

I kind of like it.

You do, Ray? We should play fireman. You
want to dress up like a fireman?

No, I want you to dress up like a
fireman.

I'm feeling fat.

Bigger than ever we've been.

Okay, okay.

Okay,

okay.

Weigh it on and put in pain for it.
Every day a day to train for it. We on a

whole nother level.

Bigger than ever. We back.

We back. We back. Back like a spine.

Back like reversing out the whip. Boy,
it's dry.

Back like I'm Marty.

Back like my thighs. Double back, but
it's narrow because it's back like I

slide. We outside.

We ain't never really left.

Right, ambidextrous, both hands need a
check. Whole fam need respect. More

bands, nothing less.

Tax season, cause I got the plan to
collect.

Look at me now.

We on a whole nother level. My foot on
the pedal, my eyes on the crown.

Look at me now.

We on a whole nother level.

Bigger than ever, we back.

Okay, okay.

We back.

Okay, okay.

Look

at

me now.

We on a whole nother level.

Look at me now.

My foot on the pedal.

My eyes on the crime.

We on a whole nother level.

Look at me now.

Woo, look at me now.

Woo, look at me now.

Bigger than ever, we back.

Okay, okay.

We back.

Okay, okay.

Bigger than ever, we back.

Wait on it, put in pain for it. Every
day a day to train for it. We on a whole

nother level.

Bigger than ever, we back.

Ay, ay, ay. We back.

Ay, ay, ay.

We back.

Ay, ay, ay.

We back.

We on a whole nother level.

I'm just hungry.

No more.

You didn't say that yesterday.

I don't know this bitch.

She broke me. It's a set.

Negro and naked.

Eisberger?

There's something wrong.

He's definitely a mask.

Sit down.

I agree, Berger.

This hand should always remain behind
the bars.

Such a handle, it's just... Excuse me
for the expression, but can you imagine

how he can strangle you?

You'll go crazy.

Guaranteed. Iron grip.

And his beard will look twice as big.

Yes. I don't have such fantasies. The
main thing is for everyone to

I don't have such fantasies. Me neither.

But I'm sure a second and a shotgun.

Done.

That's why you have to hold him. Got it?
Got it. For a day, for a couple of

weeks, I don't know. I don't know how
long this movie is going on. Like

only now I'm holding him.

And I demand from you. Go there and show
what you're capable of. A gun to the

head.

Make a wish.

Sifa!

Here.

You'll lick your fingers.

Hagenberger, I'm stretching my strong
hand.

No! But it's a meme.

Mr. Handshake, you are a mask.

Oh,

it hurts!

It's like... Oh, it definitely hurts.

We need to talk in the pub.

Of course.

Where is the air cushion?

I didn't think it would hurt so much.

We didn't take it.

I knew.

Why? I didn't know.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I... It hurts me too.

I'll tell you... What do we do now?

Slowly.

I'm scared.

We have a family member.