All language subtitles for 16 No Motorcycles.en

Boy, when you wet the tip

this thing really cracks.

Hey, would you hold this for me? What's that on the floor?

The poem I wrote about kittens. That's so weird.

I guess I have no choice but to bend over

wearing last year's shorts and pick it up.

He's really sick, Mom.

They're here. They're here.

Francis and Piama are spending the weekend

for Francis' birthday. He's turning 21 tomorrow.

I haven't seen dad this excited

since he thought Francis turned 21 last year.

Hey, it's the birthday boy! Or should I say birthday man?

I know you said not to bring
anything, but I brought a salad.

Oh, thank you, Piama. That's so thoughtful.

I'll just take it in the kitchen and rewash it.

I am so excited!

Yeah, it's gonna be a great party.

No, not the party, the you know what.

Yeah.
- Thank you so much.

I've been looking forward to this for 12 years

12 long years.

Yes, well..

It's gonna be everything you dreamed it would.

This totally makes the Peter-Pan thing worthwhile.

'Peter Pan. Peter Pan?'

'Peter Pan!'

Francis, please. Oh, my God! I am so sorry.

I didn't know your school play was today.

You saw me leave in this costume.

Francis, please stop crying. I am so sorry.

Look, I'll do anything to make it up to you.

What do you want? I'll do anything.

I wanna go on a motorcycle trip like you always talk about!

Honey, that was way back in college.

And you know how your mother feels..

I want a motorcycle trip with my dad!

Okay. Okay. I'll tell you what?

When you turn 21, I promise I will take you

on the most awesome, special motorcycle trip, okay?

We'll go when you turn 21.

Oh, yeah. Motorcycle trip.

At first I thought you were just saying it to shut me up.

You're just saying this to shut me up.

No, son, this is a promise!

On the day of your 21st birthday

I swear by all that is holy

you and I will go on a father-son motorcycle trip

so help me God!

How are you gonna get mom to let you?

I swear on my life, Francis

nothing will stop this.

This is the holiest, most sacred promise

between a father and a son.

And nothing, and I mean nothing

can ever undo this promise!

Boy, I sure liked to nail things down, didn't I?

Oh, yeah. It's gonna be great.

Wait, wasn't there..

This is sealed in blood.

Do you hear me, son? Sealed in blood.

Oh, crap.

Okay, I'll pitch in $3 for Francis' birthday present.

Me, too.
- And $3 from me.

So we're agreed, we're giving Francis $9 for his birthday.

Hey, your friend's outside.

What do you mean, "Friend?"
- Your friend.

Randy somebody. Really big kid.

Randy Zane?
- Yeah!

I think he wants to play baseball.

What?
- He's outside right now

with his bat. He seems really impatient.

You know, I told you boys if you just made an effort

you can make friends.

You see, you listened to me and it paid off.

Just think how much easier your lives would be

if you listened to me all the time.

God, he looks mad. Which one of us do you think he wants?

Reese, it's obviously you.

That must've been his bike that you super glued

to the train tracks.

We don't know that.

You were pretty fast and loose

with that dog-crap slingshot the other day.

How do you know you didn't hit him?

What about you?

How many people did you convince
to buy those algebra pills?

You know, our lives would be a lot easier

if we didn't all pull this crap at the same time.

I suggested a rotating calendar years ago

and you guys ignored me. And here we are.

Let's just go tell mom.
- We can't!

If we send mom out there, Randy
will just tell her what we did

and then they'll both be after us.

Did you see that movie where Freddie teamed up with Jason?

Is that what you want?
- Then what do we do?

He can't stand out there forever.

We'll just wait him out.

So what if we have to stay inside for a while?

Oh, my God, he's still out there.

I think he grew.

Why is he smoking two cigarettes?

Those are his eyes.

Hal, what are you doing?

I'm just trying to think of some wise things

to say to Francis tomorrow.

A father should have some wisdom
for his son, don't you think?

Well, it is a big day. You only turn 21 once.

Hey.

Remember before he was born and I had that Harley Da..

No motorcycles ever!

You do not talk about motorcycles.

You do not think, you do not wish

you do not even reminisce

about those stupid, idiotic death traps!

They do not exist. Motorcycles do not exist!

Say it.
- Motorcycles do not exist.

What does not exist?

I don't know.
- Good!

He was out there all night? Doesn't he get bored?

Do sharks get bored?
- You know what?

We'll just stay inside all day today, too.

We can last longer than he can.

So that's your famous pasta sauce

Francis talks so much about?

Yeah, I only make it for birthdays and acquittals.

One time it was both.

I just love the smell of home cooking.

Really?

Do you know there's a way to get
that smell in your own house?

Okay, it's all set up.

The rental place is delivering two motorcycles

to the gas station on 10th and Coolidge.

I already have a couple of satchels packed.

At 5:30, we'll just slip out and disappear.

This is so awesome!

So, Francis, your birthday dinner starts at 6:00.

I hope you're hungry.
- Oh, gosh, I sure am.

I'm hungry for all of it.

My only problem will be deciding

which amazing side dish to eat first

but I guess I'll solve that problem at 6 o'clock

'cause that's when my birthday party starts.

Be cool.

We're gonna be stuck in here forever.

It'll be fine.

Eventually, he'll get bored or tired or die of starvation.

But who knows how long that could take?

I'm going crazy here. I mean, look at me.

I'm reading a book!
- This is dumb.

I'm not gonna do this anymore.

I'm just gonna go out and see if it's me he wants.

What are you, nuts?
- I'm not gonna live like this.

I've been beaten before.

I'm just gonna get it over with
and live the rest of my life.

God, he's walking right up to him.

Randy's hitting him.

He's hitting him. It's not us!

You know

for a little kid, he can really take a punch.

I can't believe I've been going so easy on him.

Give me the tape and I'll get this side.

Oh, I got it. This tape dispenser is tricky.

It'll take me longer to explain it.

Dewey, are you okay?
- Boy, that was a beating.

I mean, no offense to you guys, but, wow!

Why did he beat you up? Did he say?

Actually, he said it wasn't me.
- Then why'd he beat you up?

He said it was just a warm-up.

Then he said to send out my brother.

Which brother, me or Malcolm?
- He just said, "Brother."

Boy, what a weight off.

It's just so great to have this over with.

I'm finally free.

And I'm getting some major tooth-fairy money.

You know, Hal, I realized this afternoon

we don't have any pictures from Francis' birthday parties.

I wanna make sure you have plenty of film in the camera.

Will do. Get ready for a boatload of memories!

Dad, can you come out here for a sec?

No, no, no, no, no.

These were supposed to go to the gas station.

That's what I'm telling him.
- Look.

This is the address that's on the credit card.

But these can't be anywhere near here.

You have to take 'em to the gas station.

I'm not even insured to touch these things

once they're off the truck

but you know, you want 'em taken down to the gas station

they are motorcycles.

Is everything okay out there, honey?

Fine, no problem!

Francis just wanted to make sure

that we weren't wearing the same outfit tonight.

Okay, just help me get these in the garage.

Wow! Those are cool.

Listen, do not say a word about this.

If you just stay quiet, I promise when you turn 21

I will take you on a trip with me on a rocket ship.

A rocket ship, Dewey. I swear on my life.

I swear on everything that is sacred

as God is my witness.

Ow.
- Oh, how did you..

I don't care!

Francis, come on, quickly.
- How do I..

Just kick it into neutral and follow me!

Just turn left and gun it!

I'll call you later!

Love you!

Oh, man. What a day!

What a ride! That was fantastic.

Yeah. Just wait.

Tomorrow we go around the lake
to this funky old hot springs.

You are gonna love.

This is the same route I used to take every month

with my buddy, Roy

until he got dragged a quarter mile by that school bus.

Thanks for doing this, Dad.

You know, son, you should always pick battles

that are big enough to matter

but small enough to win.

Yeah, okay.

I say life is the only real counselor.

Wisdom unfiltered through personal experience

does not become part of the moral tissue.

Dad, you feeling okay?

Well, never mind.

Listen, I have got something really special for you.

You know, it's kind of a father-son thing

to honor the occasion.

It was a little expensive

but I am gonna sit with my 21-year-old son

and share a 21-year-old bottle of Scotch.

The guy at Liquor Clown said this was the best.

Dad, I'm sorry. I'm sober now. I don't drink anymore.

What?
- I'm sober now. I went to AA.

What?

When did this happen?
- Last year.

It just became a problem and I kind of bottomed out

so I decided to get some help

and I've been sober for six months now.

And you didn't tell me about this?

Well, I'm telling you now.
- What good's it to tell me now?

I'm your father. You could have come to me about this.

Instead, you go to a bunch of strangers

with drinking problems?

Well, I'm sorry, I guess.

Which one of the 12 steps

is the one where you act like your father doesn't exist?

Dad, what's the big deal? It was my problem.

I went and I did what I needed to do to get help.

I'm supposed to help you. I deserved to know.

And meanwhile, I plan this whole trip

and now I find out you're sober

and I'm standing here with a bottle of booze

like some kind of jackass!

You know, it's just a little tough..

Wow. It's just little tough to find out.

Do you have any other surprises for me?

Do I have any grandchildren I never met?

Do you have a boyfriend?
- Dad, come on.

This is a nice trip! I want to just enjoy this.

I'm going to bed.

I liked the thing you said about picking battles.

I got it off a billboard.

Oh, look at this. You got Francis a watch.

That was so nice of you.

This is a rare promotional Doobie Brothers EP.

Hal almost cried when he found this at a yard sale.

It still doesn't seem like enough.

Oh, honey, this is just how we
get the creative juices flowing.

It's tough.

You have to make your husband miserable

but I have to make mine miserable

and make it a warning to the other three boys in the house.

Do men ever think about what's gonna happen

when they do these stupid things?

No, that's what's weird about men, they never do.

I guarantee you, those two won't even think

about the consequences of their actions

until five minutes before they come home.

So no matter how low I set the bar

he'll still find a way to crawl under it?

You still think there's a bar.

That's so cute.

Look at him.

Sleeping peacefully while I'm
sitting here going through hell.

It's not fair.

God, when did this room get so small?

I hate this.
- Reese, come on.

Go to sleep.
- I can't.

I just keep thinking about the beating.

How long it'll hurt, how bad it'll be

when it's gonna happen.

What if it's on the fourth of July?

That'll ruin it.

I was gonna have pie.
- Dude, you have to calm down.

We can wait it out. We can beat this.

I can't take this anymore. I'm going out there.

It's probably me he wants, anyway.

Reese, that's stupid. There is no logic in that.

Yes, there is. He is just getting madder and madder.

And the longer he has to wait

the worse the beating is gonna be.

Reese, think about it.

Dewey got beat up even though Randy wasn't after him.

If you go out there now, he'll beat you up

even if you're not the one he wants

just to send a message to me.

I don't care anymore.

B-But if you just wait

I'll figure out a way to get out of this.

I am not gonna wait while you keep trying to come up

with some plan that you'll never come up with.

I have to live in the real world.

This mud feels fantastic, doesn't it?

It's so soothing.

I don't even care about all the hundreds of people

who left their pubes in here.

Come on, Dad, we should be making the most of this.

You sulked all the way here.

You sulked all the way through the cold plunge.

You even sulked when they beat us with juniper branches.

Stop being such a baby.

I'm sorry I had such high expectations for this trip.

For all the trouble I went to

I thought maybe I could be an important part of your life.

This has been a nice trip, Dad.

This is exactly how I was hoping it would be.

It just gets to me, Francis.

I mean, how did we get to this point

where you're doing all this stuff without me?

I mean, you're-you're traveling everywhere

you're getting married

you're doing all these things without even telling me.

And now I find out you even went to AA without telling me?

I can't help it, Dad! I'm a grown-up now. It happens.

And I missed it.

I mean, here you've grown

into this nice, responsible, decent man

and I didn't get to be there for it.

I missed you being there, too, Dad.

It kind of makes me happy you feel sad about it.

Well, that's something anyway.
- Yeah.

Five minutes.

Holy crap! We've got to get back home!

Do you realize how much trouble we're in?

Oh, God, you're right. We're dead. We can't go back.

No, no, no, no, wait. I'll think of something.

I've been married for 20 years

and I've gotten out of a lot of trouble.

Wait, how is it 20 years if I'm 21..

Just shut up and let me think!

Okay. I have something.
- What?

Ow! God! What the hell was that for?

You were in a terrible motorcycle accident

that taught you a lesson.

Now, it's not gonna solve everything

but it's gonna make your apology go down a lot easier

because it makes them right which is what they really want.

Dad, you're brilliant!
- There's no time for that.

Just do me now.

You're gonna wanna grab between
the second and third knuckle

and go up and back in one smooth motion

but just these two so I can still work the throttle.

I love you, Dad.
- I love you, too, son.

You were right, Dewey, I can't
tell you how much better I feel.

Told ya.

It's really freeing

especially, knowing he still wants the other brother.

Malcolm, you got to go out there.

It's time. He wants you.
- No.

By October I'll be strong enough to beat him.

Come on, Malcolm. You have school tomorrow.

You can pretend to be sick for a few days

but sooner or later mom gets involved. Then what?

I'll think of something.
- Thinking won't do it, Malcolm.

This is not a smart thing. It's a life thing.

Randy is like an earthquake.

It's just something that's gonna happen.

Seriously, Malcolm, the longer you try to put this off

the worse it's gonna to be.

I could tell he was holding back.

He's got a lot farther he could go.

This is nothing.
- No, I'm not giving up.

I don't give up. I'm not a quitter.

If I have a problem, I think and work

and keep working on it until I solve it.

Okay. Name one time that's ever worked out for you.

Well..
- Did it work five years ago

when your hamster died and you spent so many hours

giving it CPR that the doctors
had to put a shunt in your mouth

to help the sores drain?

Did it work with that girl you kept hounding

because you thought she was so close to liking you

until she finally maced you?

No, but I could..

I could..

Malcolm, think about it.

You're right.

I really have to go out there.

I appreciate you guys looking out for me.

We didn't think you'd be so easy to convince.

No, not him. Where's the red-haired brother?

There is no red-haired brother. This is it.

Shoot! I have the wrong house.

Where's that house with the ass-bag

who works with handicapped kids?

That's Eddie Jeffers. He lives on Comstock.

You guys got pounded and I got off scot-free.

Now whose philosophy looks stupid?

You thought I couldn't come up with..

Guys, wait. What if we do this tomorrow?

You'll be rested. Take some time first.

We worked so hard and spent so much on Francis' dinner

it's nice that we can all finally enjoy it.

More steak, honey?