Original subtitles

Well, Bundy, looks like I kicked your ass, once again.

So you got a little lucky. How was I supposed to know that fat lady had nine

grubby kids out in the car, all of whom you need to choose today?

Hey, look, it has nothing to do with it. The fact is, I'm a great salesman, and

you're not.

I can sell sand at the beach.

Sand at the beach? Why don't you go over to Lake Michigan and bury yourself in

some?

That's funny, Al.

Hey, you remember that gorgeous model that came in and bought those dozen pair

of thigh highs for me?

That duck -up whore who thought I was retarded?

That's the one.

I'm having a dinner date with her tonight.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I've got a date with a beautiful redhead. And she's got a meal fit for a

king ready for me.

What's for supper, Peg?

I'm so hungry.

I haven't had anything to eat for two days except for a mustard packet.

I didn't have time to cook.

But there's a piece of pizza from last week in the fridge.

Just cut around the mold.

You're too good for me.

Oh, Al.

I don't understand why we can't go out for a nice romantic dinner.

Romantic dinner? Peg, are you serious?

Romantic dinners cost money.

Only money, Al.

Only money? Have you lost your mind?

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

After all, I did marry a shoe salesman.

Well, excuse me for not becoming a brain surgeon.

I don't think flunking your GED would qualify for you to become a brain

Al. That's okay. I've had it with you.

I'm going to the bar.

Oh, not tonight, you're not.

And why not?

Because tonight's night you promised to have that talk with Kelly about the

birds and the bees.

Are you kidding me?

Remember the other night when I cuddled with you and you screamed and begged for

me to stop?

How could I forget?

You promised if I'd stop you'd do anything I asked, as long as it didn't

anything to do with sex.

And that's when I promised to give the birds and the bees lecture to Kelly?

You got it.

Kelly, come down here.

Your father wants to speak to you.

Yeah, what's up? I have to get ready for my date with Rocky.

Rocky? What kind of a name is that?

I think Rocky's a cute name.

Kelly, just how did your princely date get the name Rocky?

I think he got it when he bashed some guy's head in with a rock.

Isn't that special?

Our daughter's got a date with a caveman.

Actually, Dad, I heard he got his nickname when he crashed his motorcycle

got gravel stuck in his testicles.

Aw, jeez, bud. Did you have to bring up testicles right before your mother

serves dinner?

Kelly, come here.

Before you leave, your father has something to say to you.

Go ahead, Al.

Hey, Kelly.

Before you go on your date with Rocky, you have to learn about sex.

In the beginning, there were the birds and the bees.

Oh, I know this entire story already.

In biology class, they taught us never let a guy come inside of us. Big!

Did you hear what just came out of your daughter's mouth?

I did, and I have to say, I'm a bit shocked.

I thought girls learned that sort of stuff in gym class.

You're missing the point.

Well, would you look at that.

The man with the disappearing paycheck and shrinking penis has a point.

Why does a sweet virgin -like daughter know about orgasms and other disgusting

things?

Oh, Al, the only disgusting thing about orgasms is I don't have them anymore,

and you have yours in the garage.

Ew!

It's okay, Dad.

I already know about sex.

I spied on Bud one night.

And I saw him coming.

In a paper towel.

Bounty, the quicker picker -upper.

Oh, hi, Marcy.

Peg, I don't see the pizza.

Do we have any leftovers?

I fed them to the dog.

So what's new, Marcy?

I had to get out of that house. That man is driving me crazy.

What man would that be?

Al, she's talking about Steve.

You call that a man?

Just because he doesn't walk around the house all day farting and drinking beer

doesn't mean he's not a man.

Wow, I've never been around a man who doesn't fart all day long.

That must be heaven.

Oh, you should try it someday.

I mean, when you and Al split up.

I remember when Al and I were newlyweds, just like you and Steve.

Life was grand.

Grand?

I've never held a fart in for so long. I thought my ass was going to explode.

Oh, that's real sweet, Al.

I don't know.

Sometimes when I'm with Steve, he makes me really angry, and I want that

divorce. But coming over here and seeing Al makes me realize I could have done a

lot worse.

Glad we could help, Marcy.

You know, maybe I should go home. Pour a bubble bath.

Light some candles.

Take a romantic bath with him.

I thought you said you loved him.

Al, that's what young people do. They get romantic.

That's right, Al. You should try it before you die.

What's the point?

Well, maybe you could rekindle some of the magic in your relationship.

No way. The only magic in our relationship is when Al cooks some Jiffy

popcorn.

Kelly, what are you doing?

I'm not done with my birds and the bees story.

I'll be down in a minute, Daddy.

I'm just getting something ready for my date.

a call tonight.

party tomorrow night.

Bye.

Did I ever tell you how much I hate Steve and Marcy?

Hey, Al, what's bothering you?

Besides not having any dinner?

It's that new salesman at the store, Bart.

He's really pissing me off.

Why? What's he doing?

Well, first of all, he thinks he's God's gift to women.

And he keeps stealing my customers.

And he keeps insulting me and putting me down.

You shouldn't be doing that. That's my job.

Well, I'm glad you find it amusing.

But before I die of starvation, I'd like to know that my unemployed wife and my

underachieving kids still care about dear old dad.

Oh, Al, your kids still care about you.

Especially on Fridays when you get paid.

I need to figure out a way to get even with this guy.

I don't know, Al.

when you tried to get even with that priest who stole your parking space?

Peg, if I knew the father was gay, I never would have told him to go get

I felt so sorry for those poor Cub Scouts after he blessed me in uniform.

They were so traumatized, they never even made it to the Boy Scout.

No, but that priest did turn them all into wee blows.

Oh, Al, just try to put Bart out of your mind.

I'm telling you, Peg.

If he messes with me one more time, he's going to feel the wrath of Al Bundy.

Oh, Al, you better stop. You're going to work yourself into a frenzy.

How many pairs of shoes, Mr. Gordon?

What? You want to ask me out on a date?

Have public sex with me?

We'll see you tonight.

Face it, Bundy. You suck.

I'm great.

I don't suck.

I'm just in a slump.

Better than you in every possible way.

No, you're not.

to the whole shoe profession.

I'm not a disgrace.

I'm not a disgrace.

I'm not a disgrace.

I'm not a disgrace.

I'm not a disgrace.

I'm not a disgrace.

I'm not a disgrace.

I'm not a disgrace.

Al, Al, wake up. You're having a nightmare.

you dream about something quiet?

Oh, Peg, it was terrible.

He was in my dream.

Who was in your dream?

That douchebag from the shoe store.

You woke me up for that.

Peg, it was terrible.

Well, next time, Al, could you please dream about Sylvester Stallone or Wayne

Young?

I'm going downstairs to get a glass of milk.

hell is this?

Oh, hi, Daddy.

This is Rocky.

The guy with the rocks in his testicles?

Daddy.

Pumpkin, it's 3 a .m., and if Rocky isn't out of here in 10 seconds, I'm

to use my needle -nose pliers and pull each piece of gravel out of his balls.

Call me tomorrow.

Yeah.

Pumpkin, I... How many times do I have to tell you not to bring stray bikers

back to the house?

I'm sorry, Daddy.

It won't happen again.

Tonight.

Well,

that's better.

Now, tomorrow night, I'll be at the bar drowning my sorrows.

Don't be surprised if you see a strange man in the house.

A strange man?

Your mother's throwing a pre -divorce party for Marcy.

She's got a male stripper coming by to show her what a real man looks like.

You're not to touch him or let him touch you. Do you understand?

I promise.

Strippers are gross.

I'll probably just sit in the corner and look at the pictures in a book.

Wow, is he gorgeous or what?

Uh -huh.

I'd fuck him right here.

Well, whatever you do, don't let him come on the furniture.

Ow, it'd kill me.

Oh, he can come anywhere he wants.

Well, if he does, just use a sweater to wipe it off.

It's the gas button.

And I'm having a gas.

Steve,

a marriage is for suckers.

What do you think is going on over there?

Well, they're not reading the Bible.

Ah, Steve, you got nothing to worry about.

Marshal, you'll see right through that stripper's big muscles and extremely

large penis and come running right back to your skinny little arms.

You really think so, Al?

No, not in a million years.

Taking him upstairs.

Suck dick.

Shoot it all over yourself.

Filthy.

Suck cock, Marcy.

Suck cock.

Yeah. Give me it. Give me it.

Yeah.

My dearie.

That pussy makes you want to cum, doesn't it? Yeah, I'm going to cum on

fucking face.

Yeah? Oh, that's fucking dirty.

Yeah.

hangover should go away.

Oh, good morning, Al.

So how was the party last night?

It was really boring.

Yeah, Daddy, we didn't do much. We just sat around and waited for the stripper

to come.

Well, did he come?

Oh, he came on.

Mom, I think Buck threw up in my sweater.

It's all gooey.

I told you not to feed the dog people food.

But let me see that sweater.

Fat doggy, Buck.

Maybe Marcy will realize the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the

fence now.

Listen, Peg, the car's out of gas.

Have you seen the $40 in emergency money we keep?

No, Al. I haven't seen it.

How am I supposed to get to work today?

Bundy! You're late.

I had to take five buses and the L to get here this morning.

So you haven't heard the news.

And what news would that be?

Regional offices put you on probation for declining sales.

They wouldn't be declining if you didn't take all my good customers.

Hey, whoa!

Don't blame me for having goals, Bundy.

Listen, Bart, I don't want to lose my job.

I have a miserable family to support.

Maybe you could help me get some of my sales back.

Hmm.

It takes a big man to admit that they're a failure.

Bundy, today is your lucky day.

Not only am I going to help you save your job, I'm also going to give you two

free VIP passes to the Chrome Hair Spa on Division Street just so you

can learn to enjoy the finer things in life.

What the hell do I need to...

Spa for?

This is no ordinary beauty spa.

Guard those free passes with your life.

Gee, Spart.

Thanks. Um, listen.

I'm meeting that little Asian cutie that came in and bought a dozen pair of

thigh highs.

Can you cover for me today?

All day?

Yeah, I guess.

Hi, Dad.

Jesus, son.

Don't stick up on me like that.

What you doing?

Well, I'm trying to hide these two VIP beauty spot passes from your mom.

Well, I can hide them if you want.

I'll put them in my little safe.

You mean the little piggy with the furry ears?

Yeah, Dad.

What you gonna do with them?

Well, I'm gonna give one to your mom so on her birthday she can get pampered and

get her hair done.

And get out of the house so I can watch the game.

Well, what are you going to do with the other one?

Give it to Kelly?

No, son.

I'm going to use it.

Sorry, Dad.

I deserve this more than you.

Hi, welcome to prom.

Okay, come with me.

Let's get started.

Wow.

You're really beautiful.

Thanks. I really think so.

Yeah. In fact, all of you are beautiful.

Is this real or fantasy?

It's whatever you want it to be baby.

Hmm.

This is the best salon ever.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

I want to show you one of my secrets on how to make money.

Girls like it when you sneak a peek up their skirts while they're trying on

shoes. Really?

They like that?

Yeah. Get some men to move the body.

Now here's what you gotta do. Come here.

Yeah, Al.

She's a beautiful girl.

Now...

Take these shoes.

Go over there and do what I told you to.

You'll be deep in that pussy in no time.

Ma 'am, I think you'll really like these.

Oh, they're lovely.

Let me go ahead and put them on for you.

I think she has a dick.

No.

There's no way.

Check again.

Should we try this one on too, miss?

Sure.

I'm gonna go throw up.

Oh,

man,

she's beautiful.

Do you think it's a girl?

Okay, Al.

Calm down.

Let me show you how to do this.

I need you to go lock the door, make sure no customers get in.

If you report this to the boss, I'm just going tonight.

Hello.

Hi. How are you?

Good, how are you?

All right. I think this would look good on you. Really?

Would you like a mint?

Yes, I would love one. Thank you.

There you go.

Just for you.

Wow, this is a good mint.

You don't say.

Because I'm so wet.

Bundy, ease your heart out.

I think I'll take 20 pairs.

You mean to tell me he had sex with her right there in the store?

It was amazing.

He could get fired.

I mean, it was awful.

You really think he could get fired?

Oh, total grounds for dismissal.

And you say he slips each of the girls a mint?

Maybe it's an aphrodisiac.

I have some right here. He left a packet by the cash register, and I stole some.

Oh, Al, let's try one.

I don't know.

Oh, come on, Al, be a man.

Plus, if you want to get him fired, we need to find out if he's slipping the

girls a Mickey.

A Mickey?

Just think.

You could be number one again.

And all's we have to do is get him fired.

Now try the mint.

It's a suppository, Peg.

Are you kidding, Al?

Yes.

Be gentle.

Maybe.

I just wanna suck.

Thank you, boss.

We heard about Marcy's party. You're way past the birds and the bees.

You know, Poki, Daddy needs your help at the store.

But Daddy, I don't want to get a job.

We've already clearly established that you'll be following in your mother's

footsteps.

But this is different.

Your father needs you to help him blackmail his co -worker at the store.

Here's how it'll work.

You see, first it didn't take long to work.

Hey, Bundy, take a look at that whore.

I'd love to shove my dick down her throat.

You know, blondes are the easiest to nail.

Most of them are total sluts.

This one looks like a real ho's ass.

Do me a favor.

Lock the door, would you?

I'll be right back.

I'm looking for something pretty.

Well, I have a few pair for you to try on.

Check your shoe size.

Would you look at that?

Not a size nine.

Would you like a mint?

Yes, I'd love one.

Wow.

That was the best mint I ever had.

Don't sweat.

Wow, that feels really good.

Hey.

God, you're really sexy.

Why don't you take off your clothes and let's make love right here in the middle

of the pool.

You are a wild one.

Oh, you bet I am.

I love having sex in public places.

This is exciting.

Yes.

Yes. Eat your heart out, Bundy.

Yeah.

Gotcha, asshole.

Enjoy the last day on the job.

What are you doing, Bundy?

Oh, girl.

Who needs this job, anyway?

So, uh, sweetie, wanna have dinner with me tonight?

Sure. My number is...

Al Bundy's back.

Now you can go back to watching General Hospital with your mom.

Oh, Mom won't be home for hours. She went shopping with Marcy.

Oh, well, here's 50 cents for the bus.

Don't worry, Daddy. I don't need any money.

I found my own ride home.

Oh, that was rocky.

No, I met this really nice guy. He's new in town.

Just be careful, Pumpkin. I heard on the news that five people escaped from

prison this morning.

Oh, really?

Well, don't worry, Daddy. I'll be fine.

What a coincidence.

You wearing that orange jumpsuit.

And the news today about five escaped convicts.

Yeah, I just like this outfit.

Yeah, orange really works for you.

Where are your parents?

Oh, they won't be home for hours.

Hey, do you want to fool around?

Here? Or in the backseat of our car?

Right here. It's fine.

Okay, but we have to hurry before my brother Bud comes home.

Hey! I see you brought your handcuffs. Way kinky.

Really?

Thank you.

Wow.

Damn it.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Bad bunny.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, yeah

Oh.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

We better hurry up and get dressed.

So, Cal decided to do it indoors this time, huh?

Who's this?

about it. Were you nervous flirting in front of your father at the store?

Well, yeah, I guess so.

But I just tried to block Daddy out of my mind like I normally do.

Who's this?

You're so daring.

I'm sure she just imagined being in the backseat of someone's car.

This. Who is this?

Kelly, aren't you going to introduce us to your little friend? Oh!