Original subtitles

Previously on The Last Man On Earth...

They burned down my house and skipped town.

- What are you doing? - Like, they'd leave a note or something.

"We've gone to Malibu"?

We found 'em.

Boo!

And he was brave to the end.

And he fell with his face to his foes.

Age shall not weary him.

And at the going down of the sun,

and in the morning,

we will remember him.

Todd, you have something prep...

Oh, can I just say something real quick?

I'll be done in a jiffy.

I guess. Okay, sure.

Well, you know, I didn't know...

Gordon? Was it Gordon?

- Gordon. - Gordon.

- Gordon. - Gordon.

Is it Gordon with a "G"?

Gordon.

Okay.

I grew up across the street from a Dordon.

With a "D," like Dracula.

I did not know Gordon well.

May he have a smooth journey to heaven.

Or hell.

Again, I did not know him.

By now, we are all so used to death,

as we have seen everyone in the world around us die.

Every single person... dead.

Just oodles and caboodles of death.

Just heaps and piles.

But Gordon will be missed.

Okay, Todd?

You had something you were gonna do?

♪ If I could save time in a bottle ♪

♪ The first thing that I'd like to do ♪

♪ I'd save every day like a treasure ♪

♪ And then... ♪

♪ Again I would spend it with you ♪

♪ But there's never enough time ♪

♪ To do the things we want to do ♪

♪ Once you find them ♪

♪ I've looked around enough to know ♪

♪ That you're the one I want to go through time with. ♪

Whoa, Carol, watch out.

Watch out, watch out!

Phil. Aah!

I just came in to check on you.

- You cool? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Okay, great. - Wait. W-w-wait.

- What's happening down there? - Well, I don't have time

to talk right now, they're having a wake for Gordon.

- Wait, who was Gordon? - Gail's lover.

- He was Gail's lover. - Okay...

so have they said anything about me?

I mean, did you smooth things over?

You haven't really come up yet.

- What?! - Phil, a man died.

I killed him.

So there's been a few other things to talk about.

So they didn't say anything about me?

Not one word.

What does it matter to you anyway?

You don't care about them, right?

No, you're right, I don't.

You know, don't care about them, don't miss them.

Okay, I got to go.

Okay, w-w-wait.

Just out of curiosity's sake,

like, what are you gonna tell them?

I'm sure in the moment,

I'll think of a perfect thing.

Well, hey, look, take your time.

Again, could not care less

about the whole situation and the people involved, okay?

I mean, tell them I'm sorry for their loss, obviously.

- I'm not an animal. - Except for in the sack.

Okay, got to go.

Not a single word.

Amazing.

Now, I'm assuming this was Gordon's house.

Yeah. Yeah, we met up with him on the beach,

and he invited us all to live here with him.

It's been really nice.

There are 13 bathrooms.

Ooh la la.

And none of them work, but still.

Still.

Where is everybody?

Oh, they're in the solarium sharing stories about Gordon.

I just got to say I'm so happy you got my note.

I missed you so much.

Oh, girl, I missed you, too.

Get in here.

- You look the same. - So do you, you look just the same.

So we all assumed, when you didn't come back,

you went with Tandy... What happened there?

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, that's the thing is...

No. Oh, no.

My favorite red and white horse shirt.

I got to go get cleaned up.

To be continued.

Can't wait to tell you everything.

Hey, Carol.

You look nice.

The last time I saw you,

we were making love.

- Is that right? - Yeah.

You know, Phil, I owe you an apology.

It really wasn't fair

for me to leave Tucson without saying good-bye to you,

and I'm-I'm sorry.

Well, I guess you had to do what you had to do, right?

Oh, hey, Erica.

Look who's here.

- Hey, you two. - Hi.

What's going on in here?

Absolutely... Well, I was just welcoming her

back to the group.

Welcome, Carol.

Well, I'm just gonna be in the next room.

- Oh, yeah. - So I'll just say... bye.

Yeah.

I'd better go.

Bye.

Nobody knew Gordon the way I knew him.

He was a friend, a companion,

trusted advisor and a valued lover.

Sure, he could be a real son of a bitch.

He was so cranky in the mornings,

and he cussed like a sailor.

And he was a bad drunk, he was a-a mean drunk.

Racially insensitive, male chauvinist pig.

And there was... there was the body odor,

which was challenging for me, but now I look back,

and, you know, when somebody dies,

all that stuff just melts away,

and you're just left with the good memories,

- so to Gordon. - Gordon.

- To Gordon. - Easy come, easy go.

Hey, I know Gordon's death has been hard on all of us,

but I'd just like to take a sec to welcome Carol back.

- To Carol. - Yeah.

Carol, welcome back.

Oh, you guys, stop.

So what happened to you? I mean, last we knew,

you were headed out to the desert

to get Tandy some supplies, and then...

You... stayed with him?

I did.

Well, thank God he didn't come with you.

Yeah, what an absolute turd.

Human garbage.

Hey, settle a bet for us.

Did Tandy kidnap you?

No, I chose to go with him.

- Whatever. - Where is he now?

Did you scare him to death, too?

No.

I had nothing to do with Tandy's death.

What?

Yeah.

Tandy's dead.

- You told 'em I was dead? - Well, as I recall,

you told Gail and Erica I was dead, so now we're even.

Carol, this isn't a "saying people are dead" competition.

So how did I die?

I don't know yet.

I told 'em I had diarrhea

so I could come back here and work out the details.

And I have diarrhea.

- Carol. - Look, it's gonna be fine.

You should have heard all the nice things

they were saying about this jerk Gordon.

People always remember the dead fondly.

I think

with a little bit of time and the right PR,

you're gonna be the next Michael Jackson.

Phil, what's the first thing you think

when I say "Michael Jackson"?

The molestation charge.

What?

Well, you're in the minority on that.

Most people think "Beat It" or "P.Y.T."

Yeah, trust me.

This is gonna work out great.

"Beat It" was involved in what I was talking about, yeah.

Well, Hardy har har, Phil.

You're a regular Brad Garrett today.

So, what's up with friggin' Phil?

You know, now that he thinks I'm dead,

he's probably all over you, right?

Oh, no, he and Erica are an item now.

He's totally moved on.

How about, Todd and Melissa?

They still together?

Todd's gay.

I knew it. I knew it.

Just kidding. Boy, for someone who claims

he doesn't care about the group,

you have an awful lot of questions about them.

Come on, I could not give less of a crap about them, okay?

And I could not be more happy than being up here alone.

Well, don't get used to it.

'Cause I'm about to think of the perfect death for you,

and it's gonna be noble and heroic

and mind-changing.

The Grand Canyon.

- And that's where... - Yeah.

Where Tandy died.

You don't have to show us this.

Oh, no, I-I want to.

It's part of the grieving process for me.

Okay.

This is us approaching the observation deck.

As you can see, Tandy's still alive in this one.

Not for long.

It had always been on my bucket list to do a handstand

on the rim of a large canyon.

I was 15 seconds into my one-minute goal

when things went awry.

I slipped.

And just as I was about to become

yet another canyon handstand statistic,

fate intervened...

in the name of Philip Tandy Miller.

Tandy sprung into action.

"Grab my hand," he said.

"You have nothing to fear," he assured me

with a callous disregard for his own life.

And then Tandy slipped.

He rocketed out into the abyss.

This is where the death stuff really kicks in.

So viewer discretion is advised.

Okay.

This is him in midair.

In a bloodcurdling scream, he yelled,

"No regre..."

"...ts."

And then... Impact.

This is him dead.

And this is him dead closer.

This is Tandy dead as close as I could bear to draw.

Oh, Todd.

Are you sad about Tandy?

No, sorry, I'm just

thinking about Gordon.

Well, I'm sure one day you'll cry about Tandy, too.

Probably not.

Yeah.

Oh, what's Gail up to out there?

She's been writing Gordon's name in the sand

and watching the tide wash it away.

She says it's a form of spiritual healing.

"Spiritual healing."

That's nice.

Poor Carol.

Yeah, poor Carol.

Yeah, poor Carol!

Poor Carol made her choice.

And now she's back and what?

We're supposed to welcome her with open arms?

Pass.

Have a little sympathy.

I mean, I think we can all agree

that Tandy was a freaking crankshaft.

But that's not Carol's fault.

Look how broken up she is.

I'm still gonna pass.

So...

It's "pass."

Care Package.

Oh, I hate seeing you unhappy like that, girl.

I just got to be strong,

'cause I know that

Tandy would want that.

Well, you're not alone, girl.

I know. I can

feel him with me right now.

I'm here, too, Carol.

Phil, you should do everything you can

to make sure Erica's happy.

Because life is so short.

That's exactly why I broke up with her today.

Why-why? Why would you do that?

'Cause of what you said... life is short.

And I want to spend mine with you.

- Phil, I... - No, no, no.

Oh, oh... okay.

Okay. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Okay.

I'm not wearing any sunscreen.

_

Hey, Phil!

Before you ask,

everything's fine. Don't worry.

Going great. Bee's knees.

Got in a little over my head.

Nothing major.

Just a minor tailspin.

W-w-wait Carol?

What's going on?

Phil broke up with Erica

and kissed me on the beach.

What?!

And that is why I've decided to skip

to the final phase of my plan.

Someone's coming back to life today.

Me?

Here, take this walkie-talkie.

This is your cue.

Here's... Tandy!

Carol, are you sure you're not jumping the gun with this?

Even if I was jumping the gun, why would you care?

You don't want to be with them anyway, right?

No, yeah, you're right.

Mm-hmm, they all suck.

And if this doesn't work,

you and I will just go back to Tucson,

and I will never bring them up again, I promise.

Okay, good.

Great. Freaking turds.

Now, go get spruced up.

And don't forget your cue.

What's your cue?

Here's Tandy. No!

Were you not listening?

It's "Here's... Tandy!"

Okay, yeah, got it, got it.

We don't know anything

about anything out here.

And so, I boned up on CPR.

I did this so that we are never,

ever in a position

where we have to mourn a loved one ever again.

So, say this is Gordon.

And he's just been fatally startled.

And he's now experiencing

life-ending cardiac distress.

Gail?

Why did I have to dress the dummy in Gordon's clothes?

- He even smells like Gordon! - Hi, I just want to step in here

with another heartfelt apology to Gail.

In hindsight, "boo" was not a great icebreaker.

Maybe "hello" would have been

a little less...

death-causing.

And it's just too bad

that Tandy couldn't have been here,

because he was an expert at CPR.

- Oh, come on. - Easy, Carol. Coming in a little hot.

He learned it because he wanted to give me

the gift of always knowing I'd be safe.

So thoughtful.

You know what?

Why don't we go around the horn

and just say one thing

that we'll always remember about Tandy?

All right, I-I've got a memory I'd like to share.

Oh, good.

I'll never forget the time

Tandy tried to kill me.

Yeah, and I'll never forget the time

Tandy threatened to kill me, too.

Never forget all the times

Tandy tried to trick me into having sex with him.

I'll never forget about how he lied about you guys existing,

so he could have sex with Gail and me.

What a godforsaken tool.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

It's clear he will be missed.

And that is why it gives me

great pleasure to say to you...

Abort! Abort!

- Here's... - Oh, God, he's alive.

Tandy!

No.

Let's get out of here.

- Tandy? Tandy? - Come on.

Good-bye and good riddance, Malibu.

Yeah, smell you later.

We're out of here.

Bunch of turds.

Oh, they don't need me?

Well, I don't need them!

I never have and I never will.

Hello?

Just came by to say we're going back to Tucson.

So good-bye.

Take care of each other.

And then, after you burned down his house

and left that letter implying bodily harm

if he showed up here,

he still insisted we come.

Because he knew how much I needed it.

He did it for me.

I tell you the Tandy you knew truly is dead.

I just thought maybe you could see it in your hearts

to forgive him.

I did.

I don't regret it.

So, he really has changed?

Oh, my gosh! Yes, Melissa!

He's a totally different person!

They're good people.

And I don't deserve them.

I just wish they knew how sorry I was.

Not that an apology would fix anything.

Hell, they probably wouldn't even listen anyway.

Which is too bad, because if they did,

they'd know how sorry I am.

But how do I get them to listen?

So, you'll give him another chance?

Freeze! Freeze!

In the air! Hands where I can see them!

Now! Now! Now!

Calm down.

Just sit still, okay, and do not move

and you will not get hurt, okay?

- Tandy, come on... - Aah!

- What did I just say, Todd?! - Yeah.

I said sit still!

I said do not move!

Tandy?

- You do not need that gun. - I'm doing the talking now, okay?

I'm doing the talking now, okay?

Look, I just came here to say I'm sorry.

And the only reason I have this thing

is so you guys'll stick around

to listen to me, okay?

So...

do I have your undivided attention?

- Yes! - Do I have it?

Do I have your undivided attention?!

Yes!

Okay, thanks, thanks, thanks.

Look, Gail...

Aah, hands where I can see them! Hands! Hands!

You are the best, okay?

Such a wonderful spirit

and a beautiful soul.

And it breaks my heart that you lost Gordon.

And this must be a very difficult day for you.

- Yep. - Okay, Phil?

Huge apology coming at you right now.

- What? - Okay?

This is gonna freak your bean,

but I do not blame you one bit for leaving me

in the desert... it was a wake-up call.

And it made me the man that I am today.

Okay, Erica! Hands out of your pockets!

- I-I don't have any pockets. - Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I thought they were pockets.

- Sorry. - But, Phil?

I've totally changed.

And I have you to thank for it.

- Thanks, dawg. - You're welcome.

Aah, Todd! Do not be a hero!

Sit back down!

I love you, man.

True friendship

is so hard to find in this world.

And I found it with you.

And I threw it away.

I just threw it in the old garbagio, okay?

And I hope one day you will forgive me, bud.

Phil, do not move a muscle or I will shoot you full of holes!

I won't, I won't, but I will.

Melissa?

Melissa, look at me, look at me.

Melissa, I want to talk to you.

I will shoot you! Okay, thank you, thank you.

Melissa, you had to put up with my crap longer than anyone else,

other than Carol, okay?

I just wish you had a chance to see what Carol's seen.

I'm different, I swear.

- Todd, hands! - Sorry, dawg! Watch out!

I just said some nice things about you!

Listen to me!

And finally, Erica.

Hey, Phil's a freaking idiot for breaking up with you.

You're fun.

You're gorgeous.

And that accent is just out of this world.

Erica, when I remember you,

I don't remember you like this.

I remember you like this.

Cheers.

Now, if anyone has anything they want to say,

you raise your hands if you do.

Very, slowly.

Yeah, Carol?

They were about to give you a second chance, you dumb donkey.

What?!

Shut up!

You guys, you're not gonna regret this,

I promise, and look, like I said,

I would never hurt you guys.

I mean, this thing's not even loaded.

How long do I have to be in here?

Until we say you can come out.

Okay, okay.

So, the beard's back, huh?

Yep.

You likey?

Nope.

It'll grow on you. Grew on me.

About six months. Good night.

He did the crime...

Can someone bring me some water, please?

He'll do the time.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

No mercy.

No problem!

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