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1
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:09,280
And Jackson keeps
the ball in play.
2
00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:10,760
Oh, that's a corner.
3
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:12,680
It's gathered by McMahon.
4
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,600
This is Nutfield to Hunter.
Hunter now to Ross Young.
5
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:19,400
Young skips past Mortimer,
takes it to the byline.
6
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,600
- Oh, bloody hell!
- Jesus!
7
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,640
- How'd he miss that?
- No one went up with him.
8
00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:25,160
See that, Dad?
No one went up with him.
9
00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:27,560
Your mum could
have scored that.
10
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:29,560
...receives the ball
about halfway
11
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,360
and kicks it forward.
12
00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:33,080
It's headed back by Richardson.
13
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:35,120
And Cross spreads the play
out wide to Hill.
14
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,280
Hill-- Lovely sliding
tackle from Smith.
15
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,600
Does anyone remember 9/11?
16
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:44,360
Just two yards
into his own half.
17
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,880
Yeah, it's the long
ball forward, isn't it?
18
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,480
Steve?
19
00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,360
- What?
- Do you remember 9/11?
20
00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,200
Yeah, of course
I remember 9/11.
21
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,400
Well, me and Paul watched
this documentary last night
22
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,240
on the Internet, and apparently,
it was all a hoax.
23
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:05,920
Laura.
24
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:07,480
I'm trying to watch the match.
25
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,680
- Foul!
- Dad, did you see that?
26
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:13,080
- It was a foul.
- Oh! Off! Off! Off!
27
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:14,800
Fat brick of shit, ref.
28
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:17,400
Should have sent him off.
29
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:25,560
Apparently, George W. Bush
faked the whole of 9/11
30
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,000
because of oil,
and for his dad,
31
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,080
who's also called
George W. Bush.
32
00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:32,320
...also getting
involved with that one.
33
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,480
And it's Wilkinson
who has the ball now.
34
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:38,600
Wilkinson challenged
by Richardson.
35
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,360
The two players
on this beautiful pitch...
36
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:50,200
And all the people jumping
out of the planes were actors.
37
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:51,840
Or stunt men.
38
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:54,880
You know, people trained
at jumping out of buildings.
39
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,960
I wouldn't be surprised if
Prince Philip had a hand in it.
40
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,000
- After what he did to Diana.
-Laura!
41
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,480
We're trying to
watch the football!
42
00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,840
All right, Steve, we're all
trying to watch the football.
43
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,160
I can't hear the commentary!
44
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:11,600
No one likes the commentary.
45
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:15,200
- I do.
- Okay, Steve, stop showing off.
46
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,560
I'm not showing off.
47
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:20,560
I'm always like this.
48
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:23,640
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Go on, son.
49
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:24,960
Go on.
50
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,400
Oh!
51
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,920
Sorry.
52
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,560
- Win it, win it!
- Hiya.
53
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:57,200
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
54
00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:58,760
Cool. It's near the Goose,
55
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,120
behind the KFC
they burned down.
56
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,000
Becks, do you want
to chuck in a pizza?
57
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,080
Why can't you do it?
58
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:08,880
You're better at it than I am.
59
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:10,960
I can't hear you,
you're cutting out.
60
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,960
I don't live here,
I'm not checking on the oven.
61
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,840
Okay. We'll both do it.
62
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,880
That was nice,
that was very nice.
63
00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:21,040
I still can't hear you.
64
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,480
Yeah, that's better.
65
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,960
Sorry.
Steve, what number are you?
66
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:29,080
- Number 12, flat B.
- It's number 12, flat B.
67
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:32,040
All right. Okay.
68
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:35,680
All right, see you in a bit.
69
00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:38,080
She's such a laugh.
70
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,160
- Who was that?
- Gaynor. A girl I met at Faces.
71
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:41,720
- Is she coming over?
- Yeah, yeah.
72
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,920
Sorry, I didn't
quite catch her name.
73
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,960
Gay. Yeah, Gay. Gaynor.
74
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:48,320
Gaynor what?
75
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:50,200
Alan.
76
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:56,680
You're going out with
someone called Gay Alan!
77
00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:58,040
What's your problem?
78
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,840
No, nothing. It's fine.
79
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,760
I think I'll refer to
her as Gaynor.
80
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,480
Gay Alan?
81
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:22,760
Why wouldn't you let me
touch your tit?
82
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,640
Why were you
shouting at Laura?
83
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:28,240
She's the most annoying person
84
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:29,680
in the history of
the human race.
85
00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:33,120
She's not annoying, Steve,
she's my sister.
86
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:35,760
If the Nazis designed
an annoying person...
87
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,800
What's wrong with you today?
88
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,560
Why wouldn't you let me
touch your tit?
89
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,040
Don't touch my tit
in front of my sister.
90
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:44,840
But I wanted to
touch your tit.
91
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:48,160
I don't care, it's my tit,
I decide who gets to touch it.
92
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,400
What?
93
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,480
I like Skittles.
94
00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,480
What's wrong with you today?
95
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,760
I had a dream about you,
I don't know what to do.
96
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,120
That rhymed.
97
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,600
- Becky.
- It was just a dream.
98
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,360
It didn't seem
like it at the time.
99
00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:16,680
Oh! Come on!
100
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,000
I was trying to
find something...
101
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,480
Can this wait
until after the match?
102
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:20,360
You know, this elephant,
for some reason.
103
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:21,920
And I'd lost it.
104
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,040
- How can you lose an elephant?
- And I looked up...
105
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,200
and you were getting shagged
106
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,840
by your ex-boyfriend Lee
over a bin.
107
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:33,840
It's not funny.
108
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:36,800
There was half a dozen men
standing around watching.
109
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,120
Just say six.
110
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:40,920
And he looked me in the eye,
111
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:42,920
and he had a cigar
out the side his mouth,
112
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:44,520
and this massive grin.
113
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:48,280
And he looked me in the eye,
and he said, "Awooga!"
114
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:54,160
He said "Awooga?"
115
00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:56,000
Yeah, "Awooga."
116
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:59,200
- As in Kriss...
- Kriss Akabusi's
catchphrase, yeah.
117
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,920
Okay. Okay, I'm going
to watch the football,
118
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:02,320
you're being ridiculous.
119
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:06,600
It was horrible.
You were really enjoying it.
120
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,000
- Hello, Paul, mate, come in.
- Nil-nil.
121
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,480
- Laura!
- Bloody hell,
that was right in my ear.
122
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:26,960
Hello, handsome,
what do you think of my hair?
123
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:28,480
I need a word.
124
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,720
I was saying to Greavesie.
125
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,600
- That's what this world lacks.
- Yep, definitely.
126
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,360
Two footballers,
or ex-footballers,
who are mates in real life,
127
00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:41,680
and make a program about it.
128
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:43,120
Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle
129
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,840
sat on a sofa,
banging the world to rights.
130
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,800
Brilliant. And Venables.
131
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,840
I'd love to go for a drink
with Venables.
132
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,240
Dad, were Glenn Hoddle and
Chris Waddle actually mates,
133
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:54,080
or was it just because
their names rhymed?
134
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,960
They were mates. I think they
had a sports shop together.
135
00:06:58,160 --> 00:06:59,880
Steve's mum saw them
in there once, didn't she?
136
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:01,400
Hm?
137
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,200
Are you going
through my phone?
138
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,880
No.
139
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:08,880
Your mum met Glenn Hoddle,
didn't she?
140
00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:10,840
Yeah, at his sports shop.
141
00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:14,440
I think he co-owned it
with Chris Waddle.
142
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:16,480
So why is my phone face down?
143
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,560
I never leave it face down,
it scratches the screen.
144
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,960
What's wrong with you?
I haven't touched your phone.
145
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:22,520
Has he?
146
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,120
I didn't see him.
147
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,800
No, he weren't looking
at nothing, Becks.
148
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,040
Okay. Sorry.
149
00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:31,680
Is this going to be
another one of your grudges?
150
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:36,400
No, it's fine.
I'm sorry.
151
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:41,920
Wing it! Come on!
152
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:44,760
Oh!
153
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:45,920
So you are looking
through my phone!
154
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,480
No, of course not!
155
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,720
Just checking to see if
the screen's scratched.
156
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:53,440
- Is it?
- No.
157
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,040
Thank God.
158
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:56,840
Good.
159
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,960
It just looked like you were
going through my phone.
160
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:05,840
Why would I do that?
161
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:09,240
I don't know. Probably
looking for texts from Lee.
162
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:14,280
Why would Lee be texting you?
163
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,760
Better get that.
164
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,360
Have you been texting Lee?
165
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,920
No. Of course not.
166
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,080
Good, well, I ain't been
going through your phone, OK?
167
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:27,480
I'm not a bloody mentalist.
168
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:39,480
We've just hit the bar.
169
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,160
Steve, kitchen, now.
170
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,200
Becky, we're having
a family conference.
171
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,680
I'm watching the football.
172
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,000
- Book him, ref!
- Ref, book him.
173
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,400
Referee!
174
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,520
What's more important?
Family or football?
175
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,520
- Family?
- Thank you.
176
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,720
You can watch the highlights.
177
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,840
Okay, Becks. Steve?
Where's Steve?
178
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,880
- Here.
- Okay, Steve, sit down.
179
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,040
Paul's got something
he needs to tell you.
180
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,400
In your own time.
181
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:38,360
Is it Luke?
182
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,040
Luke's fine.
183
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,560
Say it, Paul.
184
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,480
Um.
185
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,720
Come on, mate, come on.
186
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,000
Hurry up and say it, Paul.
187
00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:00,040
I'm...
188
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:03,520
I'm adopted.
189
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,400
He's adopted.
190
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:09,640
He found out this afternoon,
didn't you?
191
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,240
He had a showdown
with his mum.
192
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:12,920
She's not my mum.
193
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,760
He had a showdown
with his ex-mum.
194
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,120
I've been lied to
my entire life
195
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,640
by these ugly
fucking bullshitters.
196
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,600
I really feel for you, Paul.
197
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,400
Thanks, Becks.
198
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,920
Yeah, I'm-- I'm really sorry
to hear about it too, mate.
199
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:36,360
- Thanks, mate.
- Thanks, Steve.
200
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:39,600
I trashed their fucking house.
Wankers.
201
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:48,720
Well, the pizzas are ready.
202
00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,240
My real mum put me up for
adoption as soon as I was born.
203
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,480
She was 15.
204
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,200
That's really awful, Becks.
205
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:57,920
It sounds like his mum's
a right slut.
206
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,840
There's a hole inside me.
207
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:08,800
He means an emotional hole,
not an actual one.
208
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:14,000
I mean, like, who is Paul?
You know?
209
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,040
It may not even be
my real name.
210
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:21,200
I'm a nobody. Nothing.
211
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:22,520
I...
212
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,240
I...Nothing.
213
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:27,680
Steve, stop looking
at the pizzas!
214
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:30,840
Sorry. I can smell them.
215
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,440
For God's sake, Steve,
I'm in crisis.
216
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,360
I had an early lunch.
217
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:38,640
Shit. Nobody fucking cares,
do they?
218
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,560
- So what if he's adopted?
- Get over it.
219
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,520
It's not worth
missing the football.
220
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,680
I'd love to be adopted.
221
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,200
Find my real parents,
make them feel guilty,
222
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,080
and just get them
to buy me stuff.
223
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,760
Yeah. Make them feel awful.
224
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,280
I'd at least get
a dinner out of it.
225
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,520
Oh, how's it going, Paul?
226
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:18,320
It's just a lie, Becky.
Just a lifetime of lies.
227
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,760
-Oh.
-Come on, County!
228
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:26,720
So sorry to hear about
all that, mate. Awful.
229
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:30,000
Listen, why don't we have
some beers and pizza, eh?
230
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:31,439
Watch the match.
231
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,800
- Take your mind off it?
- It's a good match.
232
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,720
I'll lend you a "Morse" DVD,
if you like.
233
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:42,880
Yeah, all right then.
234
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:45,240
Good. Now, Paul,
you go through
235
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:46,800
and have some pizza
with the lads.
236
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,680
And I'll download
a ringtone with Becks.
237
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,720
- Or we could watch football.
- No.
238
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,880
- Okay.
- I need a new ringtone, Becks.
239
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,080
I've had this one for a week.
240
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:57,920
Okay.
241
00:12:58,120 --> 00:12:59,480
I'm so proud of Paul.
242
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,600
He's handling it so well.
243
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,280
How do I get
onto the Internet?
244
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,640
Er, Steve usually
steals it from Dan.
245
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:08,480
What's his password?
246
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:11,360
"Danlovesmilfs."
All one word.
247
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,120
- "Danlovesmilfs?"
- Yeah.
248
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:16,240
Didn't take us long
to guess it.
249
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:22,520
- You all right, Paul?
- Yeah.
250
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,400
How's things at Ryman's?
251
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,400
- We ran out of staplers.
- Oh, right.
252
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:34,920
- We ordered some more in.
- Thank God for that, eh?
253
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,760
We went to a strip club
last night, didn't we, Dad?
254
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,400
Yeah.
255
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,640
- Oh!
- Oh, he should have
scored that, shouldn't he?
256
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,000
- He should have scored that.
- Donkey.
257
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,040
Yeah, it was one of those ones
258
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,520
where you pay them
a little bit extra
259
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,480
and they let you touch them,
didn't they?
260
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:57,480
You can touch their tits,
ass, legs.
261
00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:00,080
I tried to stick my finger in,
she punched me in the eye.
262
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,440
What do you think of this one?
263
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,600
Yeah, it's wicked.
264
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,000
You ever been to
a strip club, Steve?
265
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,760
No. I'd feel like a plonker.
266
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,760
It's so expensive,
isn't it, Dad?
267
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:25,760
Pay all that money and then
they're just Polish birds
268
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,120
with dykey hair.
269
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:28,880
They did have very dykey hair.
270
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,040
- Dykey hair?
- Yeah.
271
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:32,440
Oh, is a phrase?
272
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:34,360
- Yeah, dykey hair,
isn't it, Dad?
- Yeah.
273
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:35,640
Hair like a dyke.
274
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,680
It's much cheaper
to get a whore.
275
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,120
Is it?
276
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:50,840
Yeah. I mean, they're not as
attractive as the strippers.
277
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:54,600
- No, no, they're a lot more
weather-beaten.
- Yeah.
278
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,800
But they'll do anything
for heroin.
279
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,080
Imagine this on the train.
280
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,680
Imagine me
doing this on the train.
281
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:07,280
Yeah.
282
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,040
I'd basically become
the most famous person
283
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:10,280
on the train, Becks.
284
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:13,080
And everyone
would know who I am.
285
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,880
He's a natural.
He's got funny bones.
286
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,120
Yeah, he's proper funny.
287
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,040
- Who's that?
- Oh, Ollie.
288
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,560
- Ollie?
- We don't know his surname.
289
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,800
He's just started driving
the 357, the black fella.
290
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,960
Yeah, with the voices.
291
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:32,200
That's him.
292
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,400
Get him to teach the other
drivers how to make
traveling more fun.
293
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:37,520
He's a natural.
294
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:41,040
- He's great, isn't he?
- Black people are always fun.
295
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,800
- What?
- What does that mean?
296
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:53,000
Well, not in a racist way.
I mean it as a good thing.
297
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:54,960
How can it be a good thing?
298
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,520
Well, it's a compliment.
299
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,760
How can it be racist
if it's a compliment?
300
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,520
Yeah, but what do you mean?
301
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,720
I didn't mean anything.
302
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:07,520
How are black people fun?
303
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,400
Kriss Akabusi. He's fun.
304
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,680
Erm. Nelson Mandela, he's--
305
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:17,440
he's really fun, he's always
smiling and waving and shit.
306
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,400
Um, Trevor McDonald.
307
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:22,440
He's the most fun newsreader
of his generation.
308
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:23,640
Steve's got a point.
309
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:25,840
Trevor McDonald
is proper funny.
310
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,920
He done that dance
on "Children in Need."
311
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,640
- Yeah? What about
Moira Stewart then?
- Good one.
312
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,720
Okay. This is
just getting silly.
313
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:34,240
Clearly I didn't mean
all black people are fun
314
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,680
just because they're black.
315
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:42,400
Stood all around,
about half-- six, all watching.
316
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,400
Six is the number
of the devil, Becks.
317
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,040
Okay.
318
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:51,760
All watching Lee
shagging me over a bin.
319
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,840
- Lee!
- I know.
320
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,640
And Lee looked him
in the eye, and said,
321
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:00,320
"Awooga!"
322
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,560
Why was he doing you
over a bin?
323
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,440
- I don't know.
- It's so uncomfortable
324
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:10,680
over a bin.
325
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,280
Oh!
I'm obviously not a racist.
326
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,520
So can we please just
watch the football?
327
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,360
All right, define
what you mean by fun?
328
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,720
Yeah, because
I find this offensive,
and I'm not even black.
329
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,400
I don't believe this.
330
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,640
- What's going on?
- It's Steve, he keeps...
331
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:26,600
Okay, it's nothing,
it's nothing.
332
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,440
- Steve?
- Sorry.
333
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,240
Barney was saying about
Ollie whatever his name is...
334
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,040
We don't know his surname.
335
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:43,080
Ollie, drives a bus, sometimes
has a mustache, black.
336
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,200
- Careful, Steve.
- Anyway, he's adopted.
337
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,440
You know, Paul was telling us
his unfortunate news.
338
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,000
We got talking about Ollie.
339
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,560
And I said he's just
started driving a bus,
340
00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:51,920
and he makes it a fun bus.
341
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,840
He makes
fun announcements on his bus.
342
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,200
Yeah, like, when he speaks
over the tannoy,
343
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,160
he does an impression
of Donald Duck.
344
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,440
- And sometimes he wears a hat.
- And Steve said...
345
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:04,120
All I said was-- and not in
a racist way, all I said was,
346
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:08,560
it's because sometimes
some black people can
sometimes be fun.
347
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:10,000
It's not what you said.
348
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,080
You lying shit,
you said "are".
349
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:14,040
Are always fun.
350
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,040
Always, whatever,
I got it wrong, okay?
351
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:19,040
I was distracted because
I was looking through...
352
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,560
- Looking through what?
- Nothing!
353
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,800
I'm not a racist.
354
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:27,440
Okay. Let's just
watch the football.
355
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,120
They're not fun, Steve,
they're a very serious race.
356
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,640
I didn't--
I didn't mean to be racist.
357
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:35,920
No one means
to be racist, Steve.
358
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:38,120
Can we just
watch the football?
359
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,840
Steve's not a racist.
360
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:49,360
- Thank you.
- He fancies Halle Berry.
361
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:50,760
Do you?
362
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,400
- Yeah.
- Should have said.
363
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,320
That's all right then.
We fancy her, don't we?
364
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:59,080
- Yeah.
- And Whoopi Goldberg.
365
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,080
- Oh!
- Oh, mate!
366
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:02,400
- Becky.
- Steve.
367
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,560
No, not now.
368
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,960
She was really hot
in "The Color Purple."
369
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:20,360
Hi, Shelly,
did you get my text?
370
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,400
Yeah. He's adopted.
371
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:25,320
His real mother
gave him up at birth.
372
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,160
Mm. She was 15.
373
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:28,960
And a bit of a slag,
if I'm honest.
374
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,120
No one knows
who his real dad was,
375
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:33,680
because she was doing about
five boys at once.
376
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,640
Laura!
377
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:37,960
I mean, they were
a very loving family,
378
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,400
but Paul never fitted in.
379
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,760
- I guess now we know why.
- Laura!
380
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,440
Laur, do you want to
take it outside?
381
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,240
The fact of the matter is,
Shelly,
382
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,760
his pretend mum
didn't have a womb.
383
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,440
- Laura!
- Sorry, Shells,
384
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,440
Steve's being a sexist prick.
385
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:54,839
I'll call you back later.
386
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:57,120
Oh, did you get my text
about my new hair?
387
00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:58,440
Yeah, but with clips.
388
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,600
- Laura. Please!
- All right.
389
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,640
Bye, Shell. Bye.
390
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:07,800
Oh, Jesus!
How did he drop that?
391
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,200
Dreadful. My mum
could have caught that.
392
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,280
Sorry, Steve.
Or should I say, "awooga"?
393
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:20,360
- Did you tell her?
- Of course not.
394
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,640
- If you've told her...
- Answer the door.
395
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:31,640
Oh!
396
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,080
I got up too quick.
397
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:36,040
Seriously, it's like
going out with a child.
398
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:37,880
Aw!
399
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:45,280
Hi. Is Barney there?
400
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:48,040
Yeah, come in.
Come in. I'm Steve.
401
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,840
- Nice to meet you, Steve.
- Hi.
402
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,200
Gay Alan's here.
403
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:01,320
Hello, love.
Everyone, this is Gay.
404
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,960
Gay, everyone.
You know my dad.
405
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:05,600
Hi, everyone.
Hi, Mike.
406
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:07,800
You all right, sweetheart?
My boy treating you right?
407
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,400
Yeah, he's lovely.
408
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,720
I taught him
everything he knows.
409
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,400
- Oh, that's a corner.
- It's nil-nil.
410
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,600
Great. Well, there's
everything to play for.
411
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:19,160
You seem like a nice and
polite young lady, Gaynor.
412
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:20,720
Thank you.
413
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:22,360
It's nice to see Barney
with a decent human being,
414
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,360
not like that fat slob,
Michelle.
415
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:27,760
What do you do, love?
416
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,480
She's a nurse.
Ain't you, darling?
417
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,600
Well, not quite. Do you know
Whipps Cross Hospital?
418
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,720
- I was born there.
- We all were.
419
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,640
Oh, that's nice.
420
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,680
I sort of help out on
the children's ward,
421
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,400
looking after the kids,
cheering them up, having fun.
422
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,360
What?
423
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:47,200
Do you know anything about RSI?
I get it in my arms.
424
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:49,720
I've told you, go and
see a doctor about it.
425
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:51,560
Yes, I know, but I
thought Gaynor might have
426
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,080
overhead a surgeon
or a nurse talking about it
427
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:55,160
on the children's ward.
428
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:56,360
I am afraid not.
429
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:57,720
I'm usually
dressed like a clown
430
00:21:57,920 --> 00:21:59,720
or doing a silly dance
to amuse them.
431
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,520
Oh, well done,
it's very noble of you.
432
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:04,000
I don't know about that.
433
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,000
We just have a lot of fun.
434
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,120
What?
435
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:10,480
Steve's got this theory, Gay.
436
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:11,960
It's not a theory.
437
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,880
Black people are always fun.
438
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,640
It was a joke,
439
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:20,520
it was an anti-racist comment,
and I've apologized for it.
440
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:22,720
We all find his opinions
despicable.
441
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:26,400
Well, he's got a point,
in a way.
442
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:27,840
Okay, but I wasn't trying
to make a point.
443
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:29,880
It's not that
black people are fun,
444
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,200
it's just that white people
are all so boring!
445
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:58,080
Gaynor.
This is Paul, my fiancé.
446
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:00,120
Oh, congratulations.
447
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:02,560
- Thank you.
- Hi, Paul.
448
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,720
Just so you know, normally,
he's the life and soul,
449
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:09,840
but he's very sad
at the moment
450
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,000
because he's just found out
he's adopted.
451
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,000
Hm.
452
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:16,640
I'm sorry to hear that.
453
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:18,520
Thanks.
454
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,360
Er, do you want a drink, Gay?
455
00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:25,240
- Lager?
-That would be lovely.
456
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:26,640
Give me two of them
and I'll be anyone's.
457
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,720
Better get her three then!
458
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,360
Are you going to help me, Becks?
459
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,760
Why do you need help getting
a can out of the fridge?
460
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:37,360
Becks?
461
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:51,720
She waves when she says hello,
462
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:54,160
even though I'm sat
right in front of her.
463
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,040
Are you being racist again?
464
00:23:58,080 --> 00:23:59,400
No!
465
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,160
I can't...
466
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:03,160
Do you know, it would annoy me
whatever color her skin was.
467
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:05,720
It annoys me when
my nan does it.
468
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:08,280
I can't believe
everyone thinks I'm racist.
469
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:13,240
Well, if you don't want everyone
to think you're a racist,
470
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,160
then you shouldn't
say racist things.
471
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,400
It's just...
472
00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:34,760
- Becky?
- Oh, don't use that voice.
473
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,840
- What voice?
- "Becky."
474
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:40,720
I need to ask you something.
475
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:43,960
- It's not about Lee, is it?
- Of course it's not.
476
00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:45,440
Did you have sex
with Lee on a bin?
477
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,640
Or near a bin,
or like, using a bin.
478
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,040
Or shouting "Awooga"?
While six men watched?
479
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:55,080
Oh, you absolute donkey!
480
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:06,640
Shut up about
your stupid dream,
481
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,080
and let's watch the football.
482
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:13,520
Okay.
483
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,880
Oh, did you see
Laura's dykey hair?
484
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:33,120
When did "dykey hair"
suddenly become a phrase?
485
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:35,480
Oi, oi, oi, oi.
486
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:37,920
Mike tried to
finger a stripper.
487
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:40,040
I don't want to know.
488
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,520
- Still nil-nil.
- Yeah, missed a penalty.
489
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,920
I used your shower gel as
bubble bath, I hope that's okay.
490
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:23,960
- Yeah, of course.
- Thanks.
491
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:27,160
Brushed my teeth.
492
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:34,880
What's the score?
493
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:36,880
Nil-nil. But we missed
loads of chances.
494
00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:38,200
"We"?
495
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,160
Dan. Just so you know,
496
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:46,840
because everyone else knows,
Paul's adopted.
497
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,240
Bad luck, mate.
498
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:50,640
Yeah, let's not get
into that one again.
499
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:52,240
Okay.
500
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:54,800
Not a bad thing.
501
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,880
Loads of famous people
are adopted.
502
00:26:57,080 --> 00:26:58,440
Leave it.
503
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,480
Yeah. Of course.
504
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,800
- Like who?
- Marilyn Monroe.
505
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,360
- Was she?
- Yep. Bill Clinton.
506
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:15,280
- Really?
- Yeah.
507
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:18,800
- Jesus.
- You're in good company, Paul.
508
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:20,120
Just because his mother
rejected him
509
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:21,720
doesn't mean
everyone else will.
510
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:25,840
Come on, go on! Go on!
511
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:29,000
Yes!
512
00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:29,920
Quality!
513
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:32,880
Go on, you!
514
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:37,080
Yeah!
515
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:45,160
♪ Come closer
and cuddle me tight ♪
516
00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:47,160
♪ My heart goes
boom bang-a-bang ♪
517
00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:50,000
♪ Boom bang-a-bang
when you are near ♪
518
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:53,080
♪ Boom bang-a-bang-bang
all the time ♪
519
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:57,680
♪ It's such a lovely feeling ♪
520
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,520
♪ When I'm in your arms ♪
521
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:02,960
♪ Don't go away ♪
522
00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:05,520
♪ I want to stay
my whole life through ♪
523
00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:08,920
♪ Boom-bang-a-bang-bang
close to you ♪
37434
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