Original subtitles

How do you split up nicely from a girlfriend?

- You've only just got together. - Not Dionisia, Daphne.

- Daphne still thinks we're going steady. - You be you, I'll be Daphne.

- Do it. - I thought you wanted to write.

- I'm stuck. I've given up for the day. - It's ten to eight in the morning.

Hello, Leslie. I love you so much.

Thank you. I'm very fond of you, but I prefer another girl.

Again, but not trying to get a slap.

(LESLIE SIGHING)

I... I would love you back,

Daphne, but I can't love anyone...

- Since my accident. - That's just... Creepy.

Write her a letter.

SPIROS: Mrs Durrells!

Your Auntie left this in my car. I don't know what it is.

- It must be English. - Thank you, Spiros.

England, it seems so far away with its... Whatever this is.

- Hello, Gerry. Where are you off to? - To stare at a wall.

Spiros, would you mind taking this to Daphne Likourgou's house?

- Of course. - I'm splitting up with Daphne

because I'm with Dionisia now. Me and the girl I love.

Being honest and happy for ever.

- Will you tell him it's not that easy? - It's not that easy.

- Herete! - Herete!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello.

Hello.

- Why are we staring at a wall? - It's alive.

Is it?

I'm not known for my arithmetic,

but I calculate there are 20,000 living beings on this wall.

- Nineteen thousand, nine hundred and... - Ah, but over here...

New birth.

And so it goes, around and around.

The whirligig of time.

Yes.

How do they stick to the wall?

We think it's tiny claws with adhesive hairs called tarsi,

helped by the insects' minuscule weight.

Not working?

I've been writing about sex for weeks. It's very draining.

Talking of which, you need to speak to Leslie about contraception.

But I have.

What kind of mother do you think I am?

The kind who used so many euphemisms he was none the wiser.

I do remember saying "protection" a lot and him looking confused.

He may have thought I was talking about guns.

I have French letters,

I'll talk him through it. How you roll them on, and so on.

Stop. It's my job, I'll do it my way.

- Hello, darling. - Just off to see Dionisia.

Yes. Exactly.

What?

We should talk about life and... And how it starts. Or doesn't.

No, we're not doing the bloody birds and the bees.

Yes, but there are mechanical aspects

that I fear I explained poorly.

I'm happy to buy some...

Equipment so that...

Bees are prevented.

- Margo. - Hello, Zoltan.

I am sad without you. Why did you reject me?

I am handsome and wealthy and have many talents.

You see, you've rather summed up what's wrong with you.

I am too superb?

No, you're arrogant and smug.

I had no idea!

I'm sure I mentioned it when I finished with you.

You see, you haven't asked how I am, or anything.

How are you, and everything?

Very well. I have a job I love in the new x-ray unit at Dr Petridis's.

I would be a superb doctor.

You don't realise how you sound, do you?

- Please be mine again. - No.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hello, dear. I'm doing a tour of my cherished great nephews

before I doze.

Auntie, I'm flagging.

Inspire me with your views on sex in the 20th century.

I may have learned to relax and enjoy life, dear,

but I'm still a Victorian.

All I would say is don't neglect us elders in your writing.

We are humanity's depots of wisdom.

We are its pyramids and its Parthenon.

You are.

But if you ever describe us as sprightly...

I'll ask Leslie to shoot you.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- You are beautiful. - Say again.

- You are beautiful. - Say again.

You.

One girlfriend.

- Only. - I promise.

- Me. - Of course you.

I'm sorry, before I was greedy.

Now I'm just greedy for you.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh.

Herete. How can I help you?

- I am the father of Daphne. - Ah.

Yes, I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Daphne's very special. Lovely hair.

- We must talk. - Must we?

Or shall we just let them put it down to experience?

Obviously not.

Cup of tea, Auntie?

Pre-luncheon ouzo?

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

No...

Humanity's depot of wisdom...

No more.

I know it's sad, but, well, they're so young.

Especially Leslie. And he can be an absolute horror.

You know, he's been arrested twice.

- Daphne's well rid of him. - He has made my daughter pregnant.

- Er, he can't have. - So this is rather late.

Leslie, what have you done?

I expect him to, as you say, "do the decent thing"

and marry Daphne.

We will talk more.

This is really bad timing, but...

She looks so...

(SOBBING) Strong and calm.

Why do people have to die?

Sorry, what am I, eight?

Let's hope it wasn't our cooking.

(GASPING)

Aunt Hermione.

You see? This is why I wanted to be a nun.

To make sense of all this.

The corpse is in the box.

Yes, thank you.

Beautifully put.

UNDERTAKER: We speak soon about money.

I'm so sorry, Mother.

I know.

But, er, I'm afraid...

Something equally momentous has happened.

Daphne's father paid us a visit.

Daphne's having your baby.

- No, she isn't. - Why are you so sure?

Because we didn't, you know.

You didn't sleep with Daphne?

No, well, I did, but only once.

- Well, one and a half times. - Well, once is enough.

Leslie, what do you mean "a half"?

- Well, there was this time... - It doesn't matter.

(EXHALES)

You were in a pram yourself only yesterday.

In your little shorts.

Are you taking this in, Leslie,

or do I have to spell out all the consequences and the, the mess?

- No. Life will go on. - And what about poor Daphne?

How will it go on for her?

Do you love her?

No.

(SIGHING)

That's the best way to go.

Slipping into oblivion to the lilt of rippling waves.

Aunt Margo...

Auntie Margo.

Uncle Gerry.

Your Uncle Gerald.

Here's Unc! (CHUCKLES)

Are we not allowed to talk about it?

Not being mean, but it seems a bit soon.

Well, of course it's too soon. It's ten years too soon.

Let's linger with my aunt for the moment.

I can't believe she's gone.

We should mark her leaving with a big gesture,

kicking death in the arse.

What did she love most?

- Lamb. - Lambs?

No, lamb.

Well, goat's a bit like lamb with mint sauce.

In her honour we could slay the one that's stopped giving milk.

How does it honour someone to slay a living creature?

Oh, back off, vegetarian. You spend all day watching bugs kill each other.

- But they do it to survive. - I like the idea. Very Druid.

We should do it ourselves.

Right. I'm going up. I've made your bed up, Margo.

No, I don't fancy sleeping where Auntie died.

I'll stay on the sofa tonight.

Gerry, it's not good for your eyes.

No, I think it is.

Well, maybe it is.

It's all you ever do is stare at this bloody thing.

This is my favourite gecko.

LOUISA: Aren't they all the same?

Ooh, excuse me.

He's called Geronimo.

How do you know?

Because you called him that. Yes, I'm very tired.

I didn't sleep very well. I kept seeing my aunt's face.

How do the insects stay on the wall?

Tiny claws with sticky hairs.

Hmm.

Oh, look away.

(GOAT BLEATING)

Maybe I should try drowning you.

Look, this is a noble sacrifice.

We eat you, so you become flesh with the Durrell family,

which is a privilege.

(GROANING)

(GOAT BLEATING)

(SCREAMING) No!

- Fetch a doctor! - No, not after your bogus broken leg.

My typing thumb is on the ground!

Well, the tip of it.

- How's the goat? - The goat is an irrelevance!

(GROANS)

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Kalimera.

Kalimera, gracious lady.

The dead auntie is in the cellar.

You certainly have all the phrases.

- She is lying with a young man. - Company. That's nice.

No. He fell in the machine. His head is off.

- Auntie was on holiday? - She planned to live here,

- but was only given a few days. - Too bad.

My aunt is being embalmed for the journey home?

Yes. Who will go with her?

Well, I assumed she'd go alone.

- I do not advise it. - Why not?

We have lost bodies in transit.

It looks like you're off to England.

Please bring me back some Marmite.

(BABY CRYING)

Margo, baby duty, while I help lance Mr Tombros's plague of boils.

Another of my dreams come true.

Well done, again. Tiny bit irritating.

And I have a patient for you. An old beau says he needs an x-ray.

Zoltan, do you honestly expect me to believe you've hurt your arm?

Yes. I was bravely rescuing a kitten... No, not bravely,

averagely rescuing it, for I am not an arrogant man.

Hello, we met when you two were stepping out together.

Ah, yes, the happy time.

Hello.

I fear I have broken my arm. Kitten accident.

It's just an excuse to meet me.

That would be a bad waste of our time and money, which are in short supply.

I'll pay 100 drachma for my treatment.

Go on, then.

Stand over here, slip off your shirt.

GERRY: Geronimo doesn't bother eating ladybirds or gnats,

he waits for the lacewing flies or the big prize... The mantids.

Mmm, tasty.

Cecily.

Why do you give them names?

We give names to whoever we love. Geronimo has his eye on Cecily.

How do they not fall off the wall?

Suction.

(MAKES SUCKING NOISE)

None of us has been back since we came here.

I love you being here, but I think you should go back to England

- for the funeral. - Ooh, I'm coming too.

- You always say you hate England. - It might be more fun

now that I've got some mad friends through my novel.

Anyway, I'm writing bollocks here.

I'll send some telegrams to alert the literati.

I don't know bollocks. What is that?

I should go back, but I'm worried about Leslie.

I feel like my head is being battered between two bricks.

(SIGHS) What are we going to do?

It may turn out well.

I married my wife after she was with child.

And you've no regrets, have you?

No.

I'm sure there's a rational explanation.

I don't care. I'm not moving back in.

- Leslie, swap rooms with your sister. - No, it's too spooky.

- Larry can swap. - No, I work in my room. It's sacred.

This is a message. Aunt Hermione's soul is restless.

We need an exorcism.

No, no more paranormal crap after Mrs Haddock.

I do think we might have a memorial service for her, though,

as Auntie loved Corfu so much.

And then we'll take her home.

- Margo, you're the most spiritual. - Yes, I am.

So you arrange it.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

Yes, but...

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

Please don't look at me like that.

(GOAT BLEATING)

(SHUSHING) Try to think of Auntie.

(GUNSHOT)

Well, you took it really well.

- You took your time coming here. - Yes. I'm sorry, Mr Likourgos.

- Hello. - Cuppa?

Ooh, yes.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

- You speak very good English. - I fought with British Tommies

- in the Great War. Battle of Doiran. - Oh, well done.

- We lost. - Ah. Thank you, anyway.

My aunt died, so I'm actually popping back to England.

Blighty.

- Indeed. - She snuffed her candle.

Mmm.

LOUISA: Daphne, this must be such a jolt for you.

Yes.

Leslie's not speaking.

Well, he's coming to terms with it, too. Aren't you?

Yes.

I'm going to speak for Leslie because, well, because he's not saying anything.

We should not make any decisions now.

It's rude to stare.

It's rude to put my daughter in the pudding club.

They will marry before the baby shows. We want no shame.

No.

I will shoot him with my army rifle if you do not agree he marries Daphne.

Good marriages are not made at the point of a gun.

- What kind of rifle is it? - Now you talk.

Lee-Enfield.

What, the classic.303 or the...

This is the gun he is threatening to kill you with, Leslie.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

- Good morning. - Morning, Zoltan.

- You forgot your sling. - (SCOFFS)

Superb recovery!

Margo, you are looking more beautiful with every passing day.

It's not true. I slept terribly.

Why?

I'm on the sofa. My bed is haunted.

- Who by? - My great aunt.

Oh.

A souvenir.

I look forward to seeing you with a genuine injury.

I apologise. I am a twit.

You see, not arrogant.

I am the least arrogant person in the world.

Well, that's quite arrogant.

- (CHUCKLES) - Oh, yes. I have much to learn from you.

- I tell you what you can do for me. - Hmm?

Slaughter a goat.

How did that go?

Well, I didn't realise shotgun weddings actually existed, till now.

- Oh, dear. - Leslie's obviously deeply traumatised.

You know, I'd rather he got hysterical than this blankness.

The cicada are hatching.

Darling, will you ask Leslie to join you up at the wall?

It might distract him.

You know what I'm wondering?

Whether Daphne really is pregnant.

(SIGHING)

This will interest you. A cicada.

They stay underground for up to 17 years then emerge as nymphs.

LESLIE: So, the opposite of me.

Above ground for 19 years then buried alive.

- How do they stay on the... - Please don't say it!

You won't organise anything too outlandish tomorrow, will you, darling?

We will be drawing on many cultures.

We're already sacrificing a goat.

That would raise a few eyebrows in Bournemouth.

In Madagascar, they remember the dead by regularly digging them up.

Well, let's remember Aunt Hermione just by remembering her.

Sleep in your bed tonight, darling.

I'm sure Auntie's spirit is at rest.

(SIGHS)

- Hello, Daddy. Daphne on your mind? - Mmm.

I'm all for go to bed together first, chat later,

but just ignoring this problem won't make it go away.

I'm seeing her tomorrow, so we can "get to know each other better."

- Also, I've read a lot of books... - Bravo, have a banana.

Thanks, and there are many examples of phantom pregnancies

or simple wishful thinking from women,

especially if they've been dumped by the father.

- Are you saying Daphne isn't pregnant? - Well, it's possible.

Why didn't she tell you when you two were going out?

- I'd love her not to be having a baby. - I know.

- Your brain has told your face. - But Daphne wouldn't lie.

She told me she loves me. I just wish I loved her.

Maybe you'll ease into it.

Like tight shoes.

Exactly like tight shoes.

Morning.

Bit of a surprise, all this.

We were stupid. Everyone is looking at me.

Still, one and a half times, call it two.

What are the chances?

This may sound bad, but...

You are really having a baby, aren't you?

- So you've missed your thing. - Stop. You cannot talk about this.

I'm not saying that you're lying, but shouldn't we go to a doctor,

just to check that you're well and everything?

- Pavlos, thank you so much for helping. - It is a pleasure.

"The day of one's death is better than the day of one's birth."

Ecclesiastes 7:1.

You may struggle to find anyone who agrees with you.

- This is not a Nativity. - I know, Pavlos, I told him.

- Auntie loved donkeys. - I'm not sure she did.

This is the schedule of events.

I've encouraged everyone to contribute.

I am not unwell.

I know, but the doc can give us advice.

And confirm if you're pregnant or not.

(COUGHING)

- Ugh. That's very bad form. - Leslie! And, er, Daphne.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

There's a bit of a queue, I'm afraid, I'm without Florence.

- Oh, where is she? - At your great aunt's memorial service.

(SIGHS) I really should be there, too, Daphne.

I'm sorry. Do you mind? I'll be back.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SINGING IN GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

We will now sing Aunt Hermione's favourite song,

Three Little Maids From School.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

# Three little maids from school are we

# Pert as a schoolgirl well can be

# Filled to the brim with girlish glee

# Three little maids from school

# Everything is a source of fun

# Nobody's... #

Keep singing.

Oh!

Your dead auntie is outside. Shall I wheel her in?

Thank you, no.

Let's not treat her like a portable cabaret act.

We'll move on. Larry?

Sorry.

Friends and relatives of Hermione, local people,

monks, animals.

To quote the poet Emily Dickinson...

Do give her a try, she's very good.

"Dying is a wild night and a new road."

Aunt Hermione is on that road now,

and as someone who's been in a car with her,

God help the driver.

(ALL CHUCKLING SOFTLY)

Like us, Hermione was rejuvenated by this ramshackled but magical island.

Maybe her heart couldn't take what she called "surge of bliss."

(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

The Hawaiian lament known as the karooki.

It's in my book about death. Let's all try it now.

All right, we won't, then, but you get the gist.

I recently became a vegetarian.

Boo.

So that cuts down on a lot of deaths,

but it's never easy when it strikes.

I cried buckets when my first pet died. Stinky.

ALL: (MURMURING) Stinky...

Hermione was, of course, very English.

And I think the reason she was acquiring so many admirers on Corfu

was the same quality of robustness which built the British Empire.

My sympathy lies with Mr Anestis here.

- Oh, thank you. - You brought out her sensual side

which, I speak as a single person,

one may neglect if one is...

Rather busy.

Everyone's been sweet about my aunt,

but I spent most of my life in fear of her.

How fitting that she drew her last mortal breath here in Corfu,

where she learnt to relax and forgive,

and to dance despite what she called "foolish knees."

She felt at home here, and I say amen to that.

Amen.

I've recently become very aware of the cycle of life and death.

The old must make way for the new.

And those of us in-between must welcome and be friends to both.

I'm so sorry. It went on for ages.

The doctor says yes, I'm pregnant.

Do you gonna go check with him I'm not lying?

- I didn't think that you were lying. - Liar.

All right, but it was my brother's stupid idea.

Liar and now coward.

- I've been upset. - And me?

Did you see me doing happy skipping?

And if I was happy you wouldn't know, because you're not interested.

Look, I've just been managing not to go to pieces.

(SOBBING IN DISTANCE)

I could not kill this, even for the love of Margo.

Oh, you poor thing.

It's just as well, this is the wrong goat.

- Oh. - MARGO: Zoltan.

- That's the wrong goat. - I know!

Sorry, I have been informed.

It's so lovely you're just as weedy as us.

Zoltan, you should know, we British love a loser.

Thanks a bunch. Of course, she's pregnant.

You read too many books!

(GROANS)

Looks like your auntie's ready to go home.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

- I did a bad thing. - Well, you're not the first.

Not that bad thing, another bad thing.

I asked Daphne to go to the doctor's with me...

To check she was pregnant.

She's pretty angry with me.

You know, Daphne is a decent girl. You need to treat her well.

I know.

You know, sometimes people who are thrown together thrive.

The choice isn't will you abandon Daphne and the baby, or not?

- Of course I won't. - The choice is will you marry Daphne?

And only you can decide that.

Which is tragic, because I'd love to decide everything for you.

- She is huge. Spectacular tegmina! - I'm so glad you're here.

I thought I wanted my family to share my interest, but it's exhausting.

Ooh, I think it's finally happening.

Who's your money on?

You'd be a fool to bet against Geronimo.

Well, you'd be a fool to bet at all. Ever.

(CHUCKLES) Of course you would.

- Shall we separate them? - Too late.

That was horrible.

- Hello. - Hello.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

I'm sorry, I've been hopeless.

I want to do everything properly now.

Agree to marry my daughter.

No.

A marriage needs love and I'm afraid I'm not in love with Daphne.

So you'll have to shoot me now if you can't live with that.

But I will be a reliable support to Daphne, and a good father.

My family will provide for the baby.

I did actually deliver a baby last year by myself.

Another time.

- Daphne, let's talk. - (FATHER SPEAKING GREEK)

(HONKING)

One new bed!

A present from your Turkish friend.

Zoltan bought me a new bed, because the other one was haunted.

- No it wasn't. - What?

Well obviously it was me that made the shape on the bed by lying on it.

Well, you were asking for it by saying you "believe in everything."

That's no way to live. Believe in truth.

She got a free bed out of it.

How's Daphne?

She used to be so strong.

Now she's all cowed.

- So? - It's all right.

We'll be apart.

But it's not all right.

I've tried to shut it all out. I hate bloody explaining

because... I don't want a baby.

I know. Come here.

I just feel so trapped, like I can't go back.

Nothing's ever been so... So permanent before.

(SOBBING) I'm not ready to be a parent.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not ready to be a grandparent.

(LAUGHS)

Or to take over from Aunt Hermione.

- I found a terrific ditch. - (SHOUTS) Margo, no!

Ha! What are you going to sleep on now?

Why are there mattresses everywhere?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

These are your papers, Mrs Durrell.

- Lf they seize the corpse... - I'm sorry,

but you are rather tactless for an undertaker.

- Can we use another word, please? - Carcass?

This is very important.

Read the list properly, like it's Keats or something.

Don't buy the wrong fishnet stockings. Thank you.

Now, just don't drown in the ditch.

- I'm sorry about my advice. - No, I've been weird.

I just want to say, whatever happens...

I really need this ammo

and, look, there are a dozen specific gun magazines.

Please look after my children while I'm away.

They suddenly seem very vulnerable.

I would love to.

And what can I bring you back from England, Spiros?

Yourself.

Come on, Auntie.

One last trip.

- Bye. - Bye, Mum.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)