Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull @ subs4free.info

So, meiosis is the process by which a cell divides

and splits up the number of chromosomes.

Now, this is different than mitosis, remember.

They are to form what are called gametes, alright?

Did this make sense to everybody?

Alright now, each gamete contains 50 percent..

We're just gonna like, wreck your house.

- It's gonna be so rad. - Who's even coming?

Yeah, is it gonna be like, super exclusive? What's the deal?

It's a back to school party, you dumb beezies.

Everyone's coming.

Sara can even bring her D-and-D BFF for all I care.

They combine to form...

We're not even friends anymore

and we didn't play D-and-D, it was magic.

'Uh, yes, Hayley?'

Amoebas and stuff can like, split into two, right?

- Like asexually? - Mm, that's right.

So if that works, then why

is sexual reproduction even a thing?

Uh, 'cause it's super fun?

Actually, that's a terrific question.

- What a Margaret. - Yeah.

Hey, did you get 151?

I'm trying to get real faded?

- Oh, me too. - Me too.

I'm gonna get maybe even like, double faded.

'Ew, cold.'

So, did you live at the hotel pool?

Huh?

You're just super tan from Mexico.

Oh. I guess.

It looks really good.

I'm not trying to roast you or anything.

Hey, did you write down the bio reading? I totally...

Sara, we're on different paths now, okay?

Okay?

So, can we just like, let that be.

You know, I'm moving forward.

No, yeah, I get it.

You wanna focus on lacrosse and college.

Sure, yeah, uh, there's that.

I thought the sex thing wasn't a big deal.

Yeah, well, I've changed a lot this summer.

My priorities are..

...different, okay?

Hey, Sara?

It's pages 24 through 43.

Skip the lab questions on 30.

- Hey, Skyler! - What's up, Skyler?

Hey, Sare Bear, I'm heading to class.

You do your homework?

- Did you do yours? - Zing!

Seriously, you do it yet?

That's what I'm talking about. Ten thousand hours, baby!

Then you're gonna be a big time CEO!

That's not even a real thing.

Are you wearing makeup?

No, I just moisturized.

It's called making an effort.

Okay.

Everything peachy in your world, baby?

Yep, can you close the door please?

Alright, I'll get outta your hair.

Be good.

Hey.

Hey.

I thought we could, talk?

Huh?

Do you have a condom?

Just pull out.

I will.

Ow!

Ow.

It felt so good.

Yeah, amazing.

Did you pull out?

It's okay.

It's okay.

I'm sure it's..

Jesus!

I just wanted to see if everything was okay, shit!

So..

Is everything okay?

Yeah. Thanks.

Tegan's thigh gap is so much better than mine.

- Pouty face. - Oh, my God, Ki.

Yours is amaze, and mine's only because of gymnastics.

- God, I should join. - That's cray.

It's like a really big commitment, but I love it.

'Plus my mom won't let me quit, so who cares?'

- My thigh gap is such garbage. - Shh, shh, shh!

Feeling better?

Mm-hmm, I'm fine.

My favorite part was right before when you were like

"Oh, I love my boyfriend."

And then you totally barfed all over him.

Why are you so obsessed with me?

I'm, I'm not.

I'm just telling everybody the story

because it's a super funny story.

Yeah, you're like, the funniest one of our friends, Kiana.

Hey, Sara, is everything cool?

Talk about mood swings.

What are you like, pregnant?

That would be hilarious.

'What are you guys doing this weekend?'

'Shopping.'

Oh, thank Christ.

'Sara, welcome to the land of the living.'

'Sara?'

W-T-Fuck?

W-T-Fuck!

'I'm coming in, hide your shame.'

Okay.

Fuck, fuck!

- Fuck! - Hey.

- Hey you. - I was just thinking about you.

'I called you a bunch last night.'

Yeah, I wasn't feeling awesome.

So, how are you feeling?

'Uh, I'm okay.'

Actually, now that you mention it

'I have been feeling really..'

...horny.

Wanna come over?

I'd love to but I'm stuck

with my mom all day, so lame!

I'll see you later. Kisses, bye!

Hey, w-we're still going to

Kiana's together though, right?

- Hey, bitch! - Kiana, hey...

Oh my God, shut up for second.

Did you hear, Amy P. got shwasted

and hooked up with Joey C.?

They did it in his Scion, so grody.

It's all DL by the way, Amy's supes embarrassed about it

and made me promise not to tell anyone

also she pegged him.

So, what's up?

So, why are you here?

Uh, hello?

Okay, I'm just trying to like

like, where's Kiana?

Aren't you guys like, besties now?

I mean, I just thought you would help me or whatever.

What?

Nothing, you just

kinda totally ghosted me sophomore year.

What? I've seen you.

Whatever, never mind.

Hayley, I'm really freaking here.

Well, sorry, it's just, a lot to take in.

- Shyeah. - It doesn't make sense.

I saw you yesterday.

Puking my guts out. Morning sickness much?

Okay, well, whatever's happening here is...

Completely bat-shit.

Gynecological.

You need to go to a hospital!

Hmm, veto. They'll call my mom.

Oh, are you serious?

This is triage, Hayley.

Priority one is keeping this quiet.

Priority two is my health and general overall wellbeing.

Okay, so you want a place that's confidential

maybe who knows a way around a freaky surprise pregnancy

and, hey, hopefully doesn't cost anything either

because why not?

We're all human beings in God's eyes.

It is not too late to turn around.

'There is still time for forgiveness.'

Don't make a decision you'll regret

for the rest of your life.

Forgive this harlot, Lord.

She knows not what she does.

Jesus loves you!

Bitch!

I guess those opium orgies really paid off, huh?

Okay, I told you it was my first time

so stop slut shaming me.

And sex is like, a totally natural

healthy part of life anyway.

Where is Skyler, anyway?

- You should call him... - Don't!

It's not Skyler.

That's the whole reason we broke up in the first place.

I wanted to wait.

Oh, that's probably good.

Skyler was always kind of a sleaze anyway.

And cocky, and a douche.

- Oh, my God, was it Joey C.? - It doesn't..

Hayley, it doesn't matter.

Would you just lay off, please?

I just don't understand why you dragged me

into this instead of..

...Mark?

I'm gonna get back to this questionnaire

because it's slightly less invasive.

So, how far along are you?

A day.

And I know that sounds like, super cray.

Sara, you didn't just like, go to sleep last night

and wake up nine months pregnant.

It's pretty cray.

I am so effed.

No.

I'm sure Zack will still support you.

Not having this convo, again.

I'm just, I'm just confused.

You know, I thought you wanted to wait for this sort of thing.

I mean, isn't that the whole reason

why you broke up with that man slut?

Skyler's not a man slut.

He was all tan.

Yuck!

He just got back from Mexico.

Mexico?

Wait, what is..

Oh, God!

Um, yeah.

Um, okay.

I'll be right back.

I'm sure everything's fine.

I'm gonna go get a doctor.

I need you to look.

I hate you.

Whoa, okay! That was way more butt hole than I was expecting!

Don't be such a prude! Come on, is it like, crowning?

Gah!

What the hell?

I think that was a contraction.

'You didn't tell me she was in labor.'

How far apart are the contractions?

Very close!

We need to do this now.

Richard, Richard!

Richard, I'm telling you

there is something weird on that sonogram.

That's why I'm here.

Ew, no, no, no!

- Can't she do it? - 'Yeah.'

I mean, there's like, a lot of butt hole.

Miss, I'm an OB-GYN.

There's nothing down here I haven't seen before.

What the hell was that thing?

Not a baby.

- No duh! - Yeah, no duh. No duh!

This is why you use a condom.

Oh, this is so not why you use a condom!

Holy shit!

'Look out! Ah!'

- 'Use this!' - 'It's not gonna work.'

Where is it?

Run!

Here!

What the shit was that?

Definitely not a baby.

'Hey, Ruiz, we got a call in of a possible 217'

'at that clinic on Mesa Way. You think you can check it out?'

Uh, yeah. I'm on the South Side.

Ah, why can't Anderson get it?

- 'It's his birthday.' - So?

'So, we got ice cream cake at the station'

and we don't wanna see it melt.

Great.

Yeah, alright, I'm on it.

Oh, uh, save me a slice, yeah?

'It's ice cream cake, Oscar.'

What?

It's just, the swelling hasn't gone down yet.

That's not how it works, is it?

I don't know, I opted out of help.

Yeah, big surprise!

- Ew, ew, ew! - What is happening?

What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?

Okay, okay. Um... we should call the cops.

Okay, that's a good first idea.

- Let's keep brainstorming. - Sara!

Oh, like they'd believe any of this.

And also, I'd prefer not to vag cannon anyone else tonight.

It's called saving a life.

And I'll call my mom, yes.

Fine! Then we call Skyler right now.

What's Plan C?

Dude, he knows something, remember?

Mexico?

That was a brief lapse of xenophobia.

I don't want him getting involved in this.

You don't understand.

Yeah, no, I don't!

He'll freak out and I don't..

And, hi, the vag cannon thing again.

Oh, whatever!

Okay, don't get huffy.

We're still exploring.

Okay, okay, okay.

How tall is your staircase?

Wow.

We are really scraping the bottom

of the idea barrel here.

How 'bout we just slap you on the kitchen counter

and aim you at the Vitamix?

This better be the last time I see that butt hole tonight.

Hello? Sinners?

Sinner.

Nothing, just making smoothies.

Yes, I fed them.

Okay, love you too.

- It's not coming out. - Try pushing.

If I push any harder I'm gonna shit on the counter.

Ugh!

I can't find anything about a Mexican pregnancy monster.

It's all just freaky Reddit threads.

Ew!

You know, I think if this is a thing people knew about

we'd know, you know?

'Sara, I forgot my books.'

'Are you in the kitchen?'

Hayley?

Kate!

Hey!

Holy crap, sweetie!

Give me a hug!

Oh, let me come to you!

Oh!

I haven't seen you in forever and a day.

You look so..

Oh, my God, you look like a grownup.

And-and you're doing that school thing, which is awesome!

'Yes, cosmetology training.'

I'm gonna be a modern working woman. Girl power!

- Where's Sara? - Bathroom.

Ha! Story of her life.

Oh, it is just so good to see you.

I know, oh!

It is just, it is so good

to see you two hanging out again.

Yeah!

I don't know what is up with her lately

but she just seems kinda, uh, ugh

uh, you know?

Really?

No.

Oh, I don't know.

I feel like I'm losing my sweet girl

to this person I don't recognize.

I totally didn't notice.

Well, you've always had your head screwed on straight.

Sara's head is up her ass.

Well, I'm off!

Bye, Sara, be good!

Okay, she's gone for now, but we cannot

stick around here forever. Any changes?

No, it's not coming out.

So, what do we do? Just like, wait?

I can't just Juno around town with this thing.

We gotta get proactive.

Okay, um..

This says spicy foods can help.

Subs and Thai's open 'til 9:00.

Yeah, wait no. This is Yahoo Answers.

We need actual science!

Oh, my God. We go see Dave.

No. Come on. Dave?

I was leading this cabin tour once

and one of the alpacas, she was like, three weeks late

and Dave shot this stuff into her that made her give birth.

Yeah, but that's an animal.

Exactly!

He's not gonna believe us.

Or we could call the cops?

Yowza.

Hey dispatch, we're gonna need an ambulance.

And the coroner.

Just try not to leak on anything back there.

Yeah, I wouldn't wanna ruin your stunning upholstery.

Hey, I just thought of something.

'Yeah?'

We've left that thingy in the clinic, right?

- Uh-huh? - Well, like, oops, right?

It could hurt more people.

Maybe he's... dead?

Yeah.

But probably not, right?

Maybe he's just, like..

...chilling at the clinic.

Yeah.

But probably not, right?

Hmm.

Okay, let's deal with this guy

and then we'll go back.

Yeah, if we don't die, we won't definitely go back.

Cool.

Dave!

- Hayley? - Hey.

I, uh, did I call you in?

No, but we kinda need your help.

Sara Steinberg?

Come out here, let me take a look at you!

So, Sara had sex with some guy and got pregnant overnight

and we went to the clinic, but she gave birth

to this weird thing and it exploded a doctor's head

and controlled a nurse like a puppet with its stinger

and now she has another one inside of her

and we need to get it out.

And we know that sounds super cray.

It's a parasite, a dracunculus

or a blood fluke or something.

Ugh, a blood fluke?

Yeah, it's a type of flatworm.

This is hot.

So, I have worms?

No, no, no, no.

What you have is much freakier than that.

So what kind of parasite can just hijack

a human reproductive system?

Or a whole human, while we're at it.

Well, I can consult my literature

but I'm pretty sure

I haven't heard anything like this before.

I mean, Sara, you may have discovered a whole new species.

Goodie.

This guy you got down with

had he altered his routine at all?

Gone spelunking, eaten something gnarly?

Been bitten by a rabid dog?

Well, he did just come back from Mexico.

Mexico?

Not in an ethnocentric way or anything

but... maybe lover boy came back

with an illegal alien?

Whoa.

Whoa indeed, caballero.

Whoa indeed.

Whatever, you can get it out of me, right?

Probably.

Hey, I checked on that Steinberg address, no one was home.

Any news on that corpse?

'Nope, no bet.'

Oh, holy shit!

It's still here.

I completely forgot about this.

Do you think he knows?

Um... why did you stop coming?

It's Skyler, I totally spaced.

Hey, boo!

You totally didn't respond to my texts!

Are we rolling to Kiana's together or not?

Oh, my God, I completely forgot, Sky.

We talked this morning.

I know I just, I got this stomach bug

all of a sudden.

I miss you.

Yeah, yeah, that's fine, whatever.

Um, I'm sorry you're sick.

- Thanks. - It's just..

I just really wanna see you, you know?

And I wanna, I wanna kiss you and I wanna be with you.

- Mm. - Sexually.

Oh.

I just really wanna see you tonight!

Yeah, I-I know, but I think it'll be out of my system soon.

I love you!

What?

I fucking love you, girl.

'I love you!'

Wow.

Okay, I get it, you're sick, bye!

- That was weird. - Huh?

He was just acting super weird. I don't know.

- Sara, you gotta tell him. - Are you kidding?

We are almost home free, why would I tell him?

Oh, my God, like 100 reasons!

How do we know that he still doesn't have something

inside of him, in his nards?

Uh, 'cause it's inside me now.

Okay, or, you know, how 'bout the fact

that the father should step up, maybe?

Why does Skyler get a free pass?

You're perpetuating some serious patriarchal bullshit.

This is not the time for a free the nipple uprising.

Sorry, but this all started with Skyler, right?

What am I missing?

You've never had a boyfriend.

You wouldn't understand.

Ready?

You okay?

Uh, sure. I've just never done this on a human before.

Uh..

Sorry, it's gotta reach the uterus.

Uterotonic can induce contractions

and ultimately labor.

- Uh-huh. - 40cc's..

A little more.

Little more.

Oh, baby.

Okay.

Here we go.

- Push! - I did.

- Push harder! - Why didn't it work?

- Dave! - I don't know, it should've.

It must've hung on.

You-you're saying it wants to stay inside?

The uterotonic, give me more!

- I can't! - Why not?

Because this is dangerous stuff

and if I gave any more

it would risk terminating the pregnancy altogether.

I realized what I said

as soon as it came out of my mouth.

I'll get some more.

God, why would it want to stay inside?

Maybe it's waiting for something.

For what?

The other guy?

Oh, fart.

Hey, me and Harris, and Alyssa

we're going down to Toto's for some margaritas!

- Ooh! Ooh! - Are you interested?

Oh, that sounds amazing, but I think I'm gonna go home

and get ignored by my daughter instead.

Alright, well, I'm gonna go get drunk.

Okay. You have fun!

Be safe!

Hello?

What?

What?

She's what?

'I can't even believe you.'

'I literally cannot believe you!'

Mom, it's not what you think.

After everything we talked about

you go and you have unprotected sex?

- You're not listening! - She did, but...

- Stay out of this, Hayley! - It was one time!

One's enough, Sara!

- Obviously, forget college. - Okay, ma'am, uh...

Oh, you see these shows where the girl gets pregnant

and the mom doesn't notice anything.

How could you not notice?

And here I am, and I didn't notice.

How couldn't I have noticed?

Ma'am, I need to ask the girls some questions about...

Christ, Sare Bear. How could you do this to yourself?

- Oh, you're one to talk. - Excuse me, young lady?

- Don't young lady me. - We're like, 15 years apart.

Yes, Sara, I was just like you and I screwed up my life!

Okay, let's just, uh, downshift here for a second.

Ah, ma'am, do you wanna step out with me?

- But there's an alien... - Alien. Right, I know.

Ah, I don't believe you.

- Hi. - Uh, hi.

You're being allowed in that room as a courtesy.

I have your daughter at the scene of a serious crime

and what you're doing right now, it's not helping me

and it's definitely not helping your daughter.

Don't, you don't get to lecture me.

Who do you think you are, Officer Ruiz?

You're so off base here, it's crazy!

You know you're like, not supposed to touch me, right?

This whole thing is effed.

Yeah, it's kinda why

I didn't wanna involve cops in the first place.

It is not my fault my parents put a LoJack in my car.

I know. Just saying.

Sorry. It's just..

My mom's so up her ass.

And hey, where does she get off yelling at you?

She's really pulling a Water Zone 2010, huh?

"I went to get corn dogs for you girls and you disappear?

I had them checking the parking lot."

"Our home base was the towels."

You're scared right now, okay? I get it.

You're so condescending. You have no idea what it's like!

I have a daughter too. She's in Tampa with her mom.

She's only five, but if I were in your shoes right now

I would also be freaking.

Right.

But your daughter's scared too

and she's fabricating all of this alien stuff

because she doesn't wanna be judged.

And the only way we're gonna get some answers tonight

is if we approach the situation with understanding, okay?

I'mma get a water. You want a water?

I mean, your throat must be raw.

Hey, aren't you supposed to be helping Ruiz with those girls?

After a cigarette.

You know he said that two cigarettes ago, right?

- Did I? - 'This guy.'

Sara... I... was out of line before.

I overreacted.

I just hate to see you making the same, ugh..

I'm sorry.

Do you wanna tell me and this officer what happened?

I got pregnant

and what I gave birth to was an alien.

Oh, dios mio! What happened at that clinic, okay?

We've told you like, a million times!

It's exactly what she said! It's exactly...

Everyone out, I need everyone out for a second!

- But... - Out!

Let's go, you.

It's just you and me now, baby.

Now, I know you didn't hurt anyone.

and we'll get that sorted out.

But right now, I just wanna talk to you about you.

Whatever you're going through...

Mom, you have no idea

what you're talking about.

I know what this feels like.

I went through the exact same thing.

I just wanna make sure you're not punishing yourself.

Stop trying to help me!

I don't need an after school special.

This is fucking worlds apart from what you went through.

I'm not gonna end up all sad and lonely

just, Jesus, you make me wanna scream!

Frankie, you okay?

Told ya.

Sir, are you aware

there's a lobster on your neck?

Holding cell, lock yourselves in.

Mom!

Wait! Don't come in!

- Dave? - Just don't look.

I got nervous and had to deuce.

- Nobody look! - No one's gonna look.

What the hell is going on, Sara? What was that thing?

Okay, so Sara had sex as you know, duh, whatever.

And then that thingy came flying out of her vagina

like a T-shirt cannon and started chasing us

and there's a second one still inside Sara

and the first one wants the second one for some reason.

- Got it? - Uh, no.

See, so maybe you should've listened earlier.

You guys.

What, what's wrong?

That thingy can hop off

and come in through bars.

We need a plan.

We don't even know what it wants.

I've been thinking about that

and I have a theory.

Don't look!

It's tracking you, right?

Freaky deaky stuff.

The question is, why?

Now, this thing and its brother are communicating

from a great distance

some kinda sonar, like a bat.

Maybe radio waves

gamma waves?

No, uh, it's radio waves. Probably radio waves.

Yeah, science, science, science. It already found us, Dave.

So, this guy inside of you is telling his buddy

where you're at, why?

Well, in the animal kingdom

babies generally look to their mama for one thing.

It wants to breastfeed?

It more wants to feed feed

in general on you.

Sorry.

- But.. - Way too long a pause, Dave.

The uterotonic is here.

- Utero what, what? - Mom, shut up!

Where?

'It's a massacre!'

Everyone ready?

Oh, my God! Ah!

Ew!

Oh, my God, you touched it, you touched it!

Hi.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

We're going to get the utero thing, to, um..

I'm not really sure I understand actually.

That's funny.

Oh!

Oh!

Give it at least a 100cc's, ladies.

- What're you talking about? - Get to the evidence room.

- But... - Go!

Groovy.

'Uh..'

Shit!

Oh, God!

Oh, shit!

Uh..

'Fire, fire!'

No!

'Sara?'

'Sara?'

You awake?

My mom.

I don't know.

We gotta go find her.

Yeah..

...that's why we're here.

God, you are good at this.

Like really good at this.

It's just hand eye coordination from gymnastics.

I hate it, but my mom makes me do it, whatever.

Oh, wow.

She'll be right back.

- Blair. - Oh, hey!

I told you to wait here for me.

I was just...

I don't care what you were just.

Kick ass party, Kiana.

Thanks, Jess, you're so fucking sweet.

I love you so much.

Skyler bailed.

Sara obvi called him and told him to leave.

She's so jealous, it's insane.

Jealous of what?

Me and Skyler's friendship. We're friends.

We're really, really good friends.

Like we could take a nap together and it wouldn't

mean anything, you know what I mean?

But Sara doesn't get that. I mean, what's her problem?

She's ruining his life, he should be here.

You should text him and tell him to come back.

Jesus, Blair, he's with Sara.

Think before you speak.

This is all so fucked!

Sky, can I please just talk to Hayley...

I just saw a bunch of dead cops, Sara!

And I'm like, freaking out!

- She's talking about aliens? - It's complicated...

This is like, going to jail shit, Sara.

I need to know what's goin' on!

- We had sex. - Yeah?

I woke up pregnant.

- Oh shit! - Ugh!

Are you sure?

Then I gave birth

to, um..

...an alien.

- Two aliens. - Yeah.

And they have my mom

and I don't know where they are

and... I don't know

maybe the..

Maybe you, like, know something?

What the fuck are you talking about?

I know this is so much to unload on you

and I'm not like, blaming you or anything.

But it is definitely your fault.

- Hayley! - What's your whole thing, man?

- You think I'm an alien? - I don't know.

That would make sense, right?

You leave town and come back different.

Hayley, he's not an alien.

You said it yourself at Dave's, he's acting weird.

- Hayley! - What is she talking about?

- No, I was just... - Why are you defending him?

I thought you wanted my help!

Oh, my God, shut up!

Hayley!

Can I please just have a second with him?

I don't know, mother, you know, maybe

maybe I like being single, hmm?

You ever consider that?

After teaching all day, all I wanna do

is just curl up with a book

a glass of milk, an-and if I'm indulging

yes, a cookie.

Well, good for Florida.

You know, but here in the real world

things are a little different.

I mean, it's not like I'm just gonna bump into the person

I'm gonna spend the rest.. Oh!

Oh, I-I am so sorry.

I will pay for this.

Damn it.

Jesus!

'No pets allowed here, lady.'

'It's not a pet.'

'Oh, my God! No, no!'

Hayley's just like, looking out for me.

It's cool.

Yeah, so..

...like..

...do you know anything?

No, obviously!

Okay.

- What're you doing? - I'm consoling you.

No, no, seriously, something is going on with you.

I'm just trying to be supportive, God!

You need to tell me what happened in Mexico.

Nothing, I just chilled poolside

did that bullshit Spanish assignment.

- Sipped Pina Coladas. - That's it?

- What is that thing? - It's a souvenir thing.

It's nothing, okay? You're just overreacting.

I'm just trying to help.

I know, I just..

...I wanted you to have answers.

I'm gonna get you some tissues.

He's trying to help.

That piece of shit, I knew it!

You called him out on that thing and he freaked.

It's gotta mean something.

Well, you really heard everything, huh?

It's a really thin door.

So, what do we do?

He mentioned his summer homework, whatever.

Right?

Senorita Thompson thinks he has dyslexia

so he's allowed to make a video essay, I don't know.

Oh, so maybe there's something about that thing

on his computer.

Yeah, that's what I'm looking for.

Yeah, no, I..

Yeah.

Just get it together, bro.

Just get outta dodge.

You're fine.

'Favorite hits'

'that was The Funkosexuals'

'with "Let's Funk", stick around.'

'This next one's guaranteed to get you all moist.'

'Mattress so soft and warm.'

'Mm.'

'Pondering Mind on KCEW'

'with me today is novelist, poet, political activist'

'and former adult film star..'

Oh, come on!

Yeah, there's nothing in his dad's study either

just a bunch of signed U2 posters.

Couldn't leave it alone, could you?

Just, just needling him, Jesus.

What're we talking about right now?

My mom's out there somewhere with fucking aliens, Hayley

and you just scared off our only chance of finding her.

Wait! Hold up, you're blaming me?

I mean, you kept going after him.

What did you expect to happen?

Sara, Skyler left

'because he couldn't man up and take responsibility'

but we'll figure this out, okay?

How? How, how do we fix this?

I don't know, but we can.. I don't know, we'll, we'll...

Skyler was the answer and now he's gone!

- That's what I've been... - And it's ruined!

Forget Skyler.

We have made it this far by ourselves, right?

- We will find a solution. - Oh, my God.

Are you like, so naive that you think

we're just gonna go back to being best friends?

Is that why you've been trying to break me and Skyler up?

So you can like, win me back?

What are you talking about? This is insane!

I've spent this whole night trying to help you.

And you love it, every second of it

making me feel like shit.

"This is why you wear a condom.

You really should make better life choices."

Well, you should. Sorry.

You understand this is why we're not friends, right?

We're not friends 'cause you ditched me sophomore year

when you got boobs before me.

No, we're not friends

'cause you're a judgy bitch.

I'm gonna be honest with you

because you can't do it for yourself.

If you were not so obsessed

with keeping your fake ass world spinning

and had one ounce of self-respect

this whole night would've never happened

and your mom wouldn't be dead.

I don't need this shit.

You found it.

I'm waiting on this idiot driver.

It's locked so..

My brother does like, tech stuff

for this home security company, you know.

Do you think he'd help?

Okay.

Thanks.

Car's outside.

Madre Vista Police Department.

Well, if it isn't the two biggest nerds in Madre Vista.

You literally have tape on your glasses.

Yeah, on the side, it's different.

- Oh, okay. - Oh, okay.

- Oh, okay. - Oh, okay.

- Idiot! - Idiot!

- Whose is it? - Jerome.

- My ex's. - Mm-hmm.

Revenge.

Tell me about this dude. He's right here?

- Yeah, Skyler Cole. - Ugh, sounds like a douche.

- Water polo? - Lacrosse.

Hmm.

Are you like, hacking into it?

No, I'm guessing his password.

It's usually some combo of farts and boobs

and yeah, boobfart69.

Oh, shit, okay.

Oh, uh, wh-whoa!

Oh, shit!

Uh, shit!

That was pornography.

Oh, my God.

Hola Senorita Thompson, from Mexico.

I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart

for allowing me to do this extra credit assignment

despite my crippling dyslexia.

I deserve an Ah in your class.

I know.

Chilling poolside with my lame ass dad.

Get some pina coladas! Emilio, chicken fingers.

Let's just..

- Wait! - Antique Mayan sword.

A macuahuitl.

It was basically used by the ancient Mayans

to fight off their enemies, not only physical

but also spiritual.

'The lady my dad bought this from'

'says it possesses great power'

maybe even derived from an ancient spirit.

It's leading me, I-I-I can't control it!

Skyler, what the fuck are you doing?

- Get out of here, get out! - I'm sorry.

- Come on, I'm taking a shit! - 'I'm going away, going away.'

Whoa, whoa, um, I can't! Oh!

Dad, I really, I can't control it! I can't control it!

Give it!

Wait!

My parents dragged me to this

museum of anthropology

so, here I am

learning during the summer, like an idiot.

As you can see this room is filled

with various artifacts of an expressive nature.

'Some of which anthropologists believe'

to be devoted to fertility.

This is the most amazing art I've ever seen.

The Mayans were geniuses, and this is in a museum.

I mean, the level of detail.

Whoa!

Now, I'm Mayan too. Ooh, yeah!

- No. - Whoo!

'Fuck!'

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, that's okay, that's okay.

I'll just..

'Now if you can exit this way, you'll find yourself..'

Oh, my God.

Oh, Lord.

Psst.

- Thank you, thank you officer. - It's inside?

- I-I-I don't, I don't know. - Alright, that's okay.

Can you tell me what happened in there?

I mean, what's all the pink stuff?

I-I-I'm a li-little frazzled.

Okay, um

is there anything you wanna tell me

before I go in there?

I'll never forget the screams.

Okay, okay.

Well, that's not great.

What the hell is that?

I think this thing says your baby boy is growing up.

Great.

What's next, Skyler?

Go sit down, your mother and I are not ready.

Oh, another one!

'They're fighting each other.'

Wait.

They're not fighting..

'...they're...'

- Fucking. - I think it's a girl.

- 'She's gonna get...' - Pregnant.

This is gonna spread.

But whoever drew these things beat the thingies

because they were alive at the end, right?

They made this, like, Ikea manual for how to win.

If there's anymore drawings.

Oh, there!

- Don't love that. - No.

The female's turning into a giant spider thingy

and our only solution is to, like

torch everything and kill everyone?

My mom doesn't stand a chance.

The girl is turning into a spider monster thingy.

If it's in its cocoon, i-it's parked somewhere

and if we find the cocoon, we find your mom

and we just kill these thingies before they eff, boom!

Yeah, but, how are we supposed to find the cocoon?

Ah, shit! Ow!

Dammit that burns, that burns!

That burns, that burns.

'Interesting. Yes, they have, sir.'

Thank you very much, Mr. Harrington.

So..

There have been a few alarms that have gone off tonight.

Some around the clinic, some around that farm

and some at that the police station.

Told you!

But..

...there haven't been any in the passed few hours.

What the hell?

Is that normal for this time of night?

Yeah, totally. I mean... yeah.

What?

Nothing, nothing.

- What was it? You idiot! - 'It's nothing!'

There's just one place that hasn't set their alarm

at closing and they usually do.

Sorry, the store is closed.

Please, just never call here again.

Hello?

- Hello? - Oscar?

- Sara? - You're alive?

Oh, yeah, you too? Yay!

Wait, is that the cop from the barns?

- Shut up, Jerome! - Who's Jerome?

It doesn't matter.

- Is my mom there? - Is your mom there?

- Wait, what? - She's not there with you?

I don't know, she's, uh..

We'll take my car. If we do this, we go hard.

I can't have you guys chickening out at the last second.

Oh, you two little shit..

Just so you know, I wasn't gonna shoot the propane. Bad idea.

I-I didn't even know that you were in there, obviously

because then..

Well, it wouldn't have killed her.

Wouldn't have killed her.

She's gonna be okay.

Oh!

What the hell?

No, no, I-I don't understand.

Those things are out there

and they're gonna eff and we're screwed.

You work your whole life to get in a college

an-and the world just ends.

And it doesn't even matter.

Oh, my God, I have never been to Japan.

Holy shit!

What do these thingies need to complete their life cycle?

High school hotties?

They need people to eff, right?

- Right? - Okay.

So we know they're looking for sex

'like, a lot of sex.'

They're out there right now sniffing around

fo-for pheromones or gamma rays or whatever

all leading to like..

- An orgy? - Yeah! Kind of.

Well, where are we gonna find an orgy in Madre Vista?

You mean like a big, sweaty group of people

ready to go to the bone zone?

- Kiana's party! - There's a party?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

No, it's cool, but, oh, shit!

Kiana's party, that's gotta be it.

We don't have a lot of time

if the whole party gets gassed we'll have 100

Skyler level horndogs making 200 thingies and..

Math will happen.

So, the plan is, get to Kiana's.

- Evacuate the party. - Take out the thingies.

- Stop the baby gas. - Save my mom.

Save the world.

Shit, yeah.

- Wait, wait, wait! - What?

Your butt's kinda hanging out.

Oh, thanks.

- Shall we? Okay. - Yep.

Uh..

Aliens!

Aliens are coming!

Um, cops!

Cops, yes!

Guys, guys, we gotta bail! 5-0 rolling up any minute.

No, they're not.

The neighbors have been calling 'em all night.

But they haven't shown up yet.

Probably 'cause they're busy jerking it.

Cody, shut the fuck up!

Okay, alright, yeah.

They're not coming because they're all dead.

- Whoo! - Whoo!

No, just, ugh.

Everyone needs to get out of here.

Where's Kiana?

Oh, you idiot.

- Did you finish? - Good knocking, asshole.

- Sara? - Did you finish?

- I thought you weren't coming! - I don't care, Kiana.

Skyler, did you finish?

No, Sara, I didn't finish, alright?

So can you get out?

What the hell, Sara?

Okay, seriously, everyone needs to get out of here.

What are you doing? You're being a crazy person.

He doesn't like you, Kiana.

He's just turning into some kinda sex freak.

Come on, this energy's so right.

Let's just do it in front of everyone!

You are all junked up with alien sex gas, you idiot.

Hi, who the fuck are you again?

She's with me.

Forget about them. Kiana, I love you.

Well, fine!

Sara, babe, I'm sorry.

Let's just do it.

It'll be like old times

in front of all of these people.

This is why we broke up in the first place.

I'm sick of begging!

Somebody better fuck me right..

Skyler!

Okay, truth bomb.

I had sex for the first time the other night.

Okay, yeah, whatever.

The point is I gave birth tonight.

Yeah, and what I gave birth to was fucking aliens.

One hundred percent not playing, okay.

So seriously, everyone needs to clear out

because they are coming..

...right..

...now!

Ugh, Kiana.

Now I'm gonna have to kick your ass.

No problem, man.

Whoa.

No, no, no, no!

Just so you know, I had no idea about Skyler

and I really value our friendship.

I'm too high to move!

Um..

Hayley?

Hayley?

So, what's our plan?

Save my mom, save the world.

You're not going by yourself, you could die.

Maybe.

But I'm the one who started all this.

Sara!

Mom!

Sara?

I'm so sorry, mom.

Oh, Sare Bear.

You have nothing to be sorry about.

Uh..

Uh..

Okay.

Let's just..

Okay, okay.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Plan B!

- What's up? - Sup?

'I'm just saying, you deserve a little more vacation'

okay, daddy, take a few days

take a week even, I'll be fine.

Take a month.

No, I know you can't actually take a month.

My gymnastics career is ruined.

My mom is gonna be so angry.

Is it over?

Hey, hey, is it over?

- Oh, hey. - Hi.

Listen, d-do you wanna go out with me?

- Yeah. Uh, yeah. - Yeah?

I realize this is probably an awkward time to be doing this.

'Also, I crashed my car'

'it's kinda hard to drive with one eye.'

So, this is what parties are like?

Yeah, but the monsters are usually way bigger.

Subtitles by explosiveskull @ subs4free.info