Original subtitles

orchestral

horse neighs, collapses

rock

Well, she's gone

And I won't be coming home

I heard that a broken heart

Is better left alone

After1,000 miles

Maybe I'll get by

There's just one thing to say

It's just a matter of time

It's just a matter of time

It's just a matter of time

Yeah

It's just a matter of time

It's just a matter of time

Yeah, yes, it is

It's just a matter of time

It's just a matter of time

Yeah, yes, it is

cries

You know, they say with every life experience,

there's a lesson to be learned,

and, man, did I learn mine.

See, that was me, fantasizing about every woman I saw.

See, I was what you might call a horn dog,

a playboy, a gigolo.

I'm what you ladies might call, well...

a scumbag.

See, I wasn't a bad guy, it's just that every girl I saw,

I just- I just had to get into bed with.

panting Oh, yeah.

screams

Unh! Uhh!

Excuse me.

Well, almost every girl I saw.

Uhh!

Anyway, I always wanted to get married,

be a dad, have kids, but how could I do both?

I mean, how could I keep on being with women, and start a family?

Than I had this brilliant idea. bell dings

I need to find a girl that would be willing

to bring other women into bed with me.

Well, what happened to Kelly?

I broke up with her.

Well, she broke up with me.

Actually, she hit me over the head with a nine iron,

then broke up with me.

Unh!

She hit you over the head with a nine iron?

Actually, it was a four iron, but who's counting?

Unh!

Why?

Because I was cheating on her.

Oh.

See, I had this wandering penis problem.

It's like a veining rod.

All right, and she was upset with you, right, Tom?

sobbing

No, I don't think so.

Mm-hmm.

See, every time I see a new girl, I gotta get her-

Acceptance.

Acceptance?

You can't say no, Thomas.

You cheat because you want the constant love

and approval from others because you never got those things from your family.

Your siblings ridiculed you,

your dad beat you, humiliated you, and never accepted you.

Well, not exactly.

Doc, how can my penis

have anything to do with the family?

Then, when you get these women to love you,

you want to get rid of them.

Why would I do that?

You question their credibility

if they could love a loser like yourself.

I do?

Yeah. Your family considered you a loser, Thomas.

And that's why you seek the constant love and affection from others.

To prove them wrong.

Doc, couldn't it just be that I'm horny?

Doubtful, Thomas.

Look, you push people away who love you

because you feel unworthy of love, happiness, self-respect.

And we're seeing these same things happen in your relationships.

You try and create obstacles

that'll keep you from having a happy relationship.

For instance, remember Jasmine?

Yeah.

Well, you dumped her.

She had hygiene problems.

Her vagina was shaved like the Hitler mustache.

Every time I went down on her, I thought of the Third Reich.

What about Charlene?

She had nine fingers.

Well, Debra.

Please.

Look, at least when I take a dump,

and there's people nearby, I have the courtesy

to flush to drown out the noise.

farting

Thomas, don�t you see,

you create these problems.

What do you mean?

Well, this one... farts, this one has nine fingers,

and this one has a funny-looking...

hoo-hah.

It's not that.

I just need to find a woman

that'll allow other women into bed with us.

That, Derek, is my idea of the perfect woman.

Well, could be hard to find a woman that accommodating.

Perhaps we should call her the hard to find woman.

laughs

Sorry, Thomas, it's, uh...

Time's up. chuckling

I'm telling you, man, I'm gonna find her. Good.

I mean, there's gotta be a girl like that

out there somewhere. Right, right.

We'll see you next week.

All right, man. See ya, doc. Right.

What do you think of monogamy?

Well, my father used to have a coffee table

that was made out of that.

No, no, no. Monogamy. Not mahogany.

Oh, oh. It's absolutely horrible.

It's so disgusting.

You mean you've never been in a serious relationship?

Well, yeah, of course. I love my boyfriend.

Wait a minute, if you love your boyfriend, why don't you like monogamy?

Look, pay me for the dance.

So, why are you here?

See, I figured if I found a woman

who's already into being with women,

well, then, I'm halfway there.

Listen, asshole, the sight of a penis

makes me gag.

What?

Yes, that's right.

Single white male...

33?

...seeks bisexual woman...

Just think, I could be having sex with you

while the girl's having sex with you, too.

laughs

You're kidding, right?

stammers

...who seeks relationship with man...

I think we're a part

of the earth, you know?

We're born in the earth, and we die in the earth.

I love everybody.

No, I love everything.

They're all so beautiful to me.

Everything excites me.

I- Do you look at people?

Look at everyone.

All people excite me.

Oh!

...but allows man to have sex with other women with woman.

Hey, do you want to see

my impression of a monkey?

Sure.

whimpers, screeches like chimp

Likes tennis...

I have a hard time getting it up after doing that crap.

Really? I dated a guy like that once.

It was so funny. He was a real whacko.

He used to punch himself in the head

because he got so mad at himself.

I've had some wacky boyfriends.

My last boyfriend drank all the milk

from my tits in the middle of the night.

My newborn was starving the next morning. I was forgiving though.

My father told me I'm a very forgiving person.

In fact, right before he died, he told me

dialogue speeds up I was his favorite child,

which really pissed my sister off.

She found out because I was telling Well.

my mother and she was in the other room.

The walls were paper-thin.

Speaking of paper, did you read The Post this morning?

I did. It had an article about That's funny-

a guy who made love to his dog.

Speaking of which, my dog passed away when I was seven.

Oh, really?

I cried so hard.

I think it affected me later in life.

Now I can't deal with loss,

which is why I won't go to Atlantic City.

See, part of me likes to gamble, but another part of me doesn't.

Which part of you shuts the fuck up?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Wouldn't it be great if we were with another girl right now?

Yeah, you would love it, wouldn't you, dirty girl?

Come on, let me in! I was kidding!

I was just kidding!

Okay, great! Okay, great!

Gerald is bigger.

No wonder you need a walker.

Let me in! Let me in!

Ernie, I think I found my mission in life.

So what's your big mission, to rob a bank?

No, I think I figured out how-to make this

relationship thing work.

Relationship thing?

Dude, how many times I have to tell you,

bang prostitutes.

For a few hundred bucks a night,

you'll save thousands on alimony.

Yeah, and blow it on STD medications?

Nah. Dude, what I need to do is find a girlfriend

that would allow other women into bed with me.

You got a better chance of robbing a bank.

I'm gonna get something to eat.

Again.

Yeah, I'm fat.

Want some peanuts, stutter monkey?

Here ya go.

My... mom says you... guys are j-just jealous.

That jealousy line never works.

I know.

Yeah, stutter-face, we're all jealous.

We all want to be stuttering idiots.

Hey, kid, come here.

Who are you?

Who am I?

You gonna tell him, Joey, or should I?

I'm a warlock.

A male witch.

And if you ever pick on Joey again,

next time you're trying to go to sleep,

I'll be in your room, watching you.

In the corner, in the closet, under the bed.

And that night, when you finally do get to sleep,

you'll have the worst nightmare of your life.

You might not even wake up.

Come on, we don't believe in warlocks.

Oh, you don't believe in warlocks? Do you?

No.

No? Well, watch this.

You see that guy over there?

Unh!

coughing

choking

coughs

Now get out of here before I turn you into a bunch of frogs.

What's up, Joey?

Hey, thanks, but now my only friends are gone.

Friends?

Joey, those kids ain't your friends, man.

Let me tell you something.

You'll be lucky in your whole life

to have three great friends.

And that's in your whole life.

I only got one.

Moms don't count, Ern.

No, I'm serious, Joey.

I mean, you need to find kids

that share your interests, you know?

Kids that you have something in common with.

That's where you'll find a real friend.

Thanks, Dr. Fuckin' Phil.

bedsprings squeaking, moaning

Ah, come on, guys.

Jeez, I'm trying to sleep here.

Man Move to the right.

moaning

Even I can't last that long!

telephone rings

Hang on, I'll be right there.

rings Don't hang up.

Hello?

Thomas.

Hey, Johnny, what's up?

Hey, dude, I got some shit going on.

Yeah.

Fill in for me today.

Shit. Again?

Come on, Johnny. It's Saturday.

I know, I know.

Why can�t you do it?

I got a commercial.

You got a commercial?

Yeah, national.

National? Guinness.

Guinness?

Oh, you lucky bastard.

So then why are you crying?

My girl just left my, bro.

You're crying because your girl left you?

Are you kidding me? No, dude.

I'd trade a chick for a national commercial

any day of the week.

Come on, there's a million other chicks out there.

I don't think I can live without her.

Oh, give me a break.

Jesus Christ, Ken! What are you doing?

Sorry, I need movie time.

Haven't you ever heard of Moviefone?

Oh, God!

Oh!

What was that?

Nothing. Ken's on a sexual rampage again.

I should go gay. I'd get more ass that way.

Come on, bro.

All right, I'll do it, but you owe me.

funny voice Hey, kids, how ya doin'? Come on over.

kids Yay!

How's everybody doin'?

kids Good!

What's the difference between snot and spinach?

kids What?

Kids won't eat spinach.

kids laugh

Hey, you guys wanna see a trick?

kids Yeah!

Well, I'm gonna need an assistant.

Who should I get over here?

How about the birthday girl Shelby?

Shelby, I'm gonna pick you to volunteer.

Well, how can she be a volunteer if you're picking her?

Who are you, Judge Judy?

What am I supposed to do?

Why don�t you come over here and hold this hat?

Hey, get over here, you varmints!

Shelby, give him his nose back.

Get over here! I'm gonna get ya!

Get over here!

You know what, you keep that one!

I'll take his! Besides, his is funnier looking.

Get over here! Give me that nose!

kids shouting

Give me that face!

I only smoke when I drink

I only drink when I breathe

They're some great kids, man.

Thanks.

I always wanted to be a dad some day.

burps

Is it hard?

No, man, being a good dad's easy.

It's being that good husband thing that gets a little tricky.

I know, right? It's hard being faithful, isn't it?

Well- telephone rings

Nah, you know what?

If you're really in love, you find the right girl,

then after that, you don't even pay attention to other women.

Oh, my God, you're such a big guy.

Oh, Seamus!

Woman Seamus, pick up the phone!

Hold on. Hello?

Yeah, Edgar. Are you kidding me, Edgar?

You're fucking leaving me for a cruise ship?

Look, I know that you've done me a ton of favors-

Motherfucker just put me on hold.

What an asshole.

Fuck.

Yeah, Edgar.

Look, I'm sorry, but there's no way

I'd keep it available for you till you get back.

Fine. Think Titanic. Bye.

God damn.

Fucker.

You know, my wife tells me you're a good actor.

Hey, thanks, man.

Great with the kids.

You know, I'm a producer for Vito and Valerie's Wedding.

Really? Get out of here.

I'm a big fan of that show. A big fan.

Yeah, right. Anyway...

What would you think about, just for a little while, now,

taking over the part of Danny, the best man?

I would love to.

Doesn't mean you're not gonna pay me for the party, does it?

No, man, I'll still pay.

But you gotta know, Vito and Valerie's

is one weird place to be.

What could be weirder than this?

Vito, you can forget about it

because I'm not marrying you.

But we�re already married.

Well, now we�re officially unmarried.

Now what we'd like you to do is talk to some of the actors

who are going to be main characters in the show.

Jillian plays Valerie.

Paul plays Vito.

Edgar, who you are replacing as Danny,

and his showgirl friend Natalie, played by Danielle. Okay?

Okay. Great.

Look, it's all about reality.

Acting is about reality.

Yeah, I know, I'm an actor.

I don't know what you heard before,

but acting is about reality.

Yeah, dude, I know, I'm an actor.

I took acting lessons for years.

You gotta be real. You have to be real, do you understand?

The moments, they need to be real.

You'll be great. That's what acting is.

It's based in...

Reality.

It's about reality, isn't it?

Okay, Valerie is the star of the show.

Danny is not the star of the show, okay?

Danny's the best man.

Now, Valerie and Danny, they don't get along.

Danny does best when he stays out of Valerie�s way.

Okay.

Danny deals drugs, sells stolen car stereos,

but best of all, Danny gets to fuck around.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, gets to flirt with the audience,

talk about his sexual escapades.

In fact, Danny tells 'em one time he banged this blond bimbo

on the pool table at Mr. Angelino's club.

Wow.

Yeah, shoved a pool cue straight up harass.

Think... pig.

The sell is good.

Danny and Natalie have the best relationship.

The most important thing to remember

is that we are really in love.

We believe that we have one of the best

and most wonderful relationships in the show.

I'm a little confused.

Edgar told me that Danny

gets to fool around all the time.

What?

Yeah, in fact, he told me

he banged a girl on the pool table at Mr. Angelino's club.

Are you kidding me?

No.

That... motherfucker's cheating on me?

Look, I don't know what he told you,

but Danny is a faithful guy in a happy relationship.

I won't even tell you what he did with the pool cue.

I don't get it, Ern.

There's, like, nobody attractive

in the whole frickin' play.

You would think with at least 20 some-odd cast members,

there'd be at least one that's my type.

You mean to tell me not one guy was your type?

Very funny.

What do you care, anyway?

You got a legitimate acting job

instead of playing a clown for some dopey kids.

Yeah, I know.

I just had the feeling I'd meet at least

one decent chick in the whole play.

I gotta get in shape.

What do you think I should give up first,

drinking or smoking?

How about eating?

So why do you come to the gym anyway?

For the chicks.

Everybody knows the hottest chicks hang out at the gym.

That's how they stay hot.

199.

Hey, chicks.

200.

See me training for the Olympics?

Really? So soon.

I thought the Special Olympics didn't start till June.

Now we have the wedding

These two loving hearts

They love one another

I'll break-

Nope.

And now we have-

Damn. Ow!

God.

Hi.

Hi.

I hear you went to NYU.

Uh, yeah.

So did I.

Oh, yeah. Great.

Okay. Well...

Nice meeting you.

Thomas Yeah, great.

Oh, damn.

What an asshole. Who does he think he is, De Niro?

Everything looks fabulous.

But where are the balloons?

Jimmy, where are the balloons?

Look, Rocco, it's a long story, okay?

Jimmy, where are the balloons?

Look, yesterday I went over to Rocco's,

and... I'll go check the rectory.

You check your rectum.

God, where are the balloons?

Don't worry about it, Rocco.

It'll be fine. It's just balloons, all right?

Look at Mrs. G.

She said she lost 30 pounds for the wedding.

It's like throwing a deck chair off the Queen Mary.

laughter

She's like Barney.

I love you, I love food

laughter

Oh, my God.

It is so nice to finally meet you.

You look just like that, um, actress

from The Poseidon Adventure.

Oh, my God, what's her name?

Um, uh... gasps

Oh, yeah.

Ernest Borgnine.

You don't say.

That's a really beautiful hat you're wearing.

Well, I never.

Hey, Eddie Gaga. How you doin'?

When'd you get out?

How's the family? You got my money?

We celebrate the wedding

Of Vito and Valerie

Yi yi yi yi yi yi yah

?C�mo est�s?

Brooklyn in the house! Hey!

Dear brothers and sisters, we gather here today

to celebrate the love of Vito and Valerie.

speaking foreign language

And let's make it quick because I got a funeral at 9.

Please kiss the bride.

So, how'd you feel about doing the show?

I was a little nervous, man.

Okay, I guess.

You had a better first day than Edgar.

I think he pissed himself.

Paul, I gotta ask you a question.

How come there's no hot chicks in this show?

I mean, who cast it? Rocco?

laughs

Aw, there's a couple.

Not Gillian.

Danielle is a whacko.

What about Jennifer?

Jennifer. Who's Jennifer?

The girl that plays Marilyn.

You mean the ditz?

Oh, come on. She's not that pretty.

I don't know, man.

Jennifer is one of the hottest girls in the show.

No, that's the chick that plays Marilyn, man.

She's way too trashy looking. Okay, yeah.

The trashy ditz not so pretty, that's nice.

I'm out of here. Yeah, all right.

Wait, it's you.

You're Marilyn?

Oh, my God, you were great.

No, I'm Jennifer, the girl who plays Marilyn.

Also the girl who tried to talk to you earlier.

You kind of blew her off. Now I know why.

Why?

'Cause you're a jerk.

Take care, Paul.

Later, Jennifer. Yeah.

Hey, wait.

sputters

That was beautiful.

sighs

Hi. Hey, how are you?

Fine. How are you? Good.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Please, please.

That was you.

You know, the guitar, the string, the eye.

And then you were in character,

you have a ditzy accent...

Yeah, I was acting.

And you were great. Big fan. Big fan.

Don't kiss up.

Look, I'm sorry.

Whatever.

We are getting off to a bad start here.

Could we start again, please?

Can we start again, please? Yeah.

Could we start again, please?

Looks like you've made your point now

Hey, I'm leaving. Oh, no, no, no. I'm just kidding.

I promise, no more singing.

But where are you going tonight

My little angel?

laughs Okay. You're a whacko.

I'm an idiot, actually, but... A little bit.

He's the idiot. This guy's an asshole.

I'm a good guy.

So where are you going? Uh, oh, God.

A few of us from the cast are going to try and get in a scar party at Tattoo.

Tattoo? Are you kidding me?

I know the bouncer there. I can get us on the list.

No, don't try and be nice now.

I am nice.

Just gotta get to know me.

I grow on people. Like a fungus. scoffs

dance

Thanks forgetting us in the club.

No problem.

So, am I forgiven or what?

Ohhh... almost.

Well, how can I complete your act of forgiveness?

Wow, this dance is, you know, not hurting,

but, uh, how about a drink?

What do you want?

Whiskey, baby. You got it.

laughs

Can I get a whiskey, please?

Trying to get this girl to like me.

Want a tip? Sure.

Stop dancing.

Very funny.

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me.

Sir?

Excuse me- Man, get away from me.

Sir, if you don't mind, I'd like to cut in here.

I mind.

Now back off of me before I kick your ass.

Oh, I see.

Big mouth to overcompensate

my tiny little penis.

Excuse me, asshole-

I mean, sir- but I am with her.

And if you don't take your stinkin' hands off her,

I'm gonna kick your ass all over the dance floor.

Oh, will you? Yes. I think.

B- b-b-b-b-b...

So, am I forgiven?

laughs Yes.

Thank you.

So do you have a boyfriend?

Oh, not really.

Not really?

We're kind of on the outs right now.

Oh. How come?

Uh... he treats me like a sex object,

he, you know, never listens to anything I say,

he doesn't care about what I do or howl feel.

I don't think he's heard a word I said in the last two years.

And you? What?

laughs I'm kidding.

I'm so kidding. laughs Ohhh.

No. I just ended my relationship

with my last girlfriend.

I'm sorry. Oh, no, no, no. I cheated on her.

Man, I meet all the winners.

That's horrible.

Yeah, I know, but she was never right for me anyway.

Uh-huh.

French fries and brown gravy.

Thank you. Thank you.

So, you were saying?

Well... never mind.

No, come on, say it.

I just don't think I could be happy

in a monogamous relationship.

I mean, I'll never cheat or anything.

I felt horrible after doing that.

I'll- I'll never do it again.

So what are you saying?

Are you sure you won't think I'm a schmuck foraying this?

I bet I will think you're a schmuck,

but you should go ahead and say it.

Well, in one second you might be needing this.

See, in a perfect world,

I would like girlfriend to be with other women with me.

There, I said it.

I don't think that's that weird.

You don't?

No.

Lots of girls have been with other women,

or at least, you know, thought about it.

That's totally something I would do if I were in love with a guy.

You would?

Yeah. I mean...

Would you let the woman be with other men in this?

No way! Absolutely not!

Oh, God, first of all, I'm way too insecure,

and the thought of touching another man's naked, hairy ass

would make me puke.

And there's nothing I want more

than a little muff in the morning.

laughs

You want another steak to go?

Uh, no, that's okay.

So have you ever been with a woman?

Oh. Oh, Lordy!

Could I have the check, please?

Thank you. That would be great.

I have never been.

But... you know, I've fantasized about it.

And when I was in ninth grade,

I used to kiss my best girlfriend.

I mean, we were preparing for when guys would kiss us.

giggles Oh, my God.

With tongue?

No, with elbow.

Wow.

So I take it that might be

something you'd be interested in?

Well... I don't know.

I mean...

I guess I think if two people love each other,

then they shouldn't stop themselves from being happy.

And, if I knew the guy loved me,

and I was number one with him...

then, yeah, I guess I would be okay with that.

Oh, my God, you are the perfect woman.

I know. laughing

How's your eye?

Eye? Uh-huh.

Oh, the eye. Uh-huh.

I feel like a moron with this on my face.

You look a little like a moron.

Do you want some? Here you go. No!

giggling

So your parents ever come see the show?

My dad did.

My mom... Ugh, forget about it.

I don't even know where she is, so...

What is she, a flight attendant?

No, a drug addict.

Aw, jeez, I'm sorry.

Yeah, you know.

She was never really around when I was growing up.

My dad divorced her when we were five,

raised us on his own.

But que sera sera.

Whatever will be will be

Okay, you promised.

I'm sorry. This is me.

Well, I had a great time.

Yeah, me, too.

I'm sorry about your eye.

Aw, that's all right.

Well... this is where I decide

if I should kiss you or not.

Would you like to kiss me?

Would I like to? I would love to.

The question is, would you like to kiss me?

I guess you're just going to have to find out.

Oh, God. All right.

Mm...

You think maybe this is where I should ask for your phone number?

laughs

When you think you're all alone in the world

no audible dialogue

When you think you've never ever been heard

Probably right, it's probably true

'Cause nobody cares

As much as you do

When you wake me in the middle of the night

I can't always reply, but I'll try

Some dreams are just for you

Not even I can care as much as you'd like me to

'Cause nobody cares

As much as you do

no audible dialogue

When I have forgotten my name

You call it out and there I am again

moaning

I'm ready. All right, hold on a second.

I'll hurry. Oh!

No, no!

No, not for that.

Oh, God. moaning

I meant... to be with other women.

What? Really?

Yeah. Well, I mean, I know it�s going to make you happy and...

I think we should talk about it.

I don't want to do anything that you'd be uncomfortable doing.

No, it's not that. I'm good with doing it.

And you don't mind me participating in it?

No, not at all.

giggles All right, great.

Well, I have a plan of attack - Okay, but...

there are going to be some rules.

Rules?

Rule number one:

we can't be with somebody that we already know.

No problem.

Rule number two:

we can't be with anybody at our place,

because I don�t want these women to know where we live.

Okay.

Rule number three:

I understand you're going to want to tell your friends,

but only one friend and that's it.

Why?

Because I don't want, like, my personal life

hitting the gossip pages on the show.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I might have to draw the line there.

What good is this shit if I can't brag about it?

Okay, then. Forget about it.

No, no, all right. Just kidding, just kidding.

But psychologists aren't considered friends, right?

What? No. Yeah, fine, fine.

Great. Easy enough.

And lastly, rule number four:

whoever we have sex with

we can never be with them again.

You can never, and I mean ever,

see that woman again, be it socially,

business, whatever.

Why?

Because I don't want to have a relationship with these people.

That would be weird.

ditzy accent It would ruin the whole thing.

Okay, I guess I could do that.

I bet you can. laughs

All right, where do we find her?

Oh, I got a plan.

I have a friend at Make a Wish.

laughing Oh, God.

no audible dialogue

Jen, come on!

Jen! Come on!

Jen, I love you.

Come on, that girl was ugly next to you.

You're so much hotter than her.

Please. God, I don't think this is going to work.

Can't we just do each other?

Jen, I was just going to do it like I thought you would, too.

Come on, Jen, you're the only one for me.

I love you.

Come on, this is just about sex, right?

Ugh. All right, yes.

I'm sorry.

It's just the first time, okay?

It's going to take a little getting used to.

All the guys in there, staring?

Can't we just use a prostitute?

That way, it would just be the three of us at least.

You got it.

Thomas I think I'm in love.

It was wonderful!

I'm in love! I can't believe it!

Well, Thomas, that's great.

She's having a hard time getting into being with the other women thing.

I mean, she wants to and all.

We just gotta find the right situation.

Well, you do realize that you're asking a lot.

Well, yeah.

And you know she loves you.

Yeah.

See, Thomas, that's where I think

we're having our little problem.

What?

Thomas, you don't really think she loves you.

Derek, I know she loves me.

Thomas, you never felt loved by your family,

so how can you expect to feel loved now?

In fact, you are so scared of not being loved,

you push people away before they have a chance to hurt you.

I mean, Kelly loved you, but you didn't think so.

And now Jennifer loves you.

In fact, she's willing to have sex with other women for you.

Thomas, you have got to realize that your family

through the eyes of you as a kid is no more.

Yeah.

Stop hearing all those negative things

your family said to you

and realize that when you were a kid

you digested the horrible, negative thoughts,

and a part of you

has made them your own thoughts.

Basically, Thomas, just realize that Jennifer

is not your siblings or your father.

Thomas.

Thomas!

Oh! clock ticking

Time's up. ding

Wonder Burger!

different inflections Wonder Burger. Wonder Burger.

Wonder Burger.

Hey, Ern, you get these prostitutes.

Where do you get them from?

All right!

I see Project Three-way is back up and running.

Dude, what caliber of slut do you want?

I don't know, someone hot.

Not any sleazy coke whore or anything.

I know what you want, man.

You want the Park Avenue variety, right?

Dude.

Whoa. How much?

700 a night.

whispering $700 a night? Are you kidding?

changing inflections I love you, too, honey! I love you, too, honey!

What, you want the best, don't you?

You don't want to wind up with the sluts that I bang

when I'm out of cash, do you?

No. No, that's all right.

The last one had more chest hair than me.

Think her name was Louie.

Thomas Burns, you're next.

Oh.

All right, see you later, Ern.

I was here first.

Hi. Hi.

door closes

Hi, guys.

Thomas, this is Miranda and this is Benjamin.

Benjamin.

Sorry.

Hey, Benjamin. Benjamin.

Oh, sorry. How are you?

I want you to just...

slate your name for the camera, okay?

And just begin. All right.

Hey, look, there are two ways I could go with this, you know?

Is it okay if I try them both?

I'm sure that both of your choices

are going to be just so great,

but really, we have a lot of people to run,

so just do your favorite.

Thomas, just go with your gut.

I loved your cell phone commercial.

Yeah, upstaged by a monkey?

Okay, can we get started, please?

Thank you.

clears throat Okay.

expels breath

Hi, my name is Thomas Burns. My agent is Joseph Weiner.

Honey, where were you?

You know, I was driving home

and I was thinking of how much I loved you,

so I decided to bring you home a little surprise.

Flowers? Better than that.

Diamonds? Better than that.

A new car? Even better than that!

Honey, what could it be?

Wonder Burgers!

Oh, my God, Wonder Burgers.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Now let�s eat!

And, cut. Thank you.

How was I? You were great.

Thanks, Ben-hey-mean.

Ben-ha-mean.

Sorry. Take care.

How'd it go? Okay, I guess.

Well, you never know. See ya.

Oh, Ern, Ern, got a tip for you.

The guy in there, he loves to be called by his first name.

Which-Which is?

Benjamin. Thanks, man.

All right, take care. Good luck!

Benjamin.

Wonder Burger.

changes inflection Wonder Burger.

So where'd you get this hooker's number, huh?

Eh, it's the place Ernie always uses.

Ernie?

I don't want to have sex with someone Ernie's been with.

Why? He's a normal, upstanding citizen kind of guy.

Oh, yeah, right. He's with prostitutes.

Look. Here, I got these numbers out of the Yellow Pages.

Pick one.

Oh, thank you, darling. All right, fine.

dialing phone

Yeah, hi.

Can I get one of your best body prostitutes?

laughs Escorts. Sorry.

Yeah. Hold on.

Do you want blond, brunette,

black, white, Asian, Latina?

I don't care.

Well-Well, I've never had Asian,

but Latina sounds scrumptious.

God, it's like you're ordering take-out.

All right, you know what?

Whoever you can get here the quickest.

All right. You have a part-time aerobics instructor.

Perfect!

Make sure they bring a dental damn.

H- Hold on. A what?

A dental damn.

I don't want to get diseases.

Could you bring a dental damn?

You don't have dental damns.

What would that be for? Okay, I get it, I get it.

No - Wait. Could you hold on a second?

What? Ask her to bring Saran Wrap.

Saran Wrap? Yes.

Are you kidding? No, do it.

clears throat All right, could you pick up Saran Wrap?

Look, I know you�re not a grocery store.

I'll throw in an extra 50 bucks if you bring Saran Wrap.

Great! Okay, my credit card number is-

yelps Oh, my God, hold-

I'm so sorry. Just hold on a second.

What? Then they're going to know who we are.

Yeah?

So I don�t want fuck me flyers coming to my house

for the rest of my natural life.

Fuck me flyer?

All right, I'm just going to pay cash.

Yes, the Edwards Hotel, room 1904.

Thank you. Bye.

I can't believe I have a hooker

picking us up Saran Wrap from a deli.

giggling

Honey, that weed has made me hungry.

Should I call back and have her get

some chicken cutlets while she's there?

You're wasted. cackling

All right. shivering

Okay. punching buttons

I need $100 for a tip. punching buttons

machine whirring

Keep the change, my friend.

I'm getting laid!

And you're only giving me seven? Heh, very funny.

Hi, I'm Sally.

Anyone order Saran Wrap?

Uh, h-hi.

I'm Jennifer and this is Thomas.

Hi, Sally. So nice to meet you. Hi.

I'm sorry about the Saran Wrap. We've never done this before.

We're a little nervous. That's all right.

Your wife is completely gorgeous!

Relax.

This should be fun.

Would you like a drink? Sure.

How's vodka and cranberry?

Sounds great.

So do I pay you the 500 up front or do I pay you later?

500? It's 800. record scratches

They told me 500. Did they tell you that?

No. 500 is for one person.

If there's two people, it's gonna be 800.

clicks tongue You gotta be kidding me.

All right, hold on. I'll be right back.

You still want this?

All right.

All right, she said $800.

I have $600.

Which means I need $200.

Oh, and then there's the tip.

Man, I'm so freakin' wasted.

Well, for a few more dollars I could be, too.

machine whirring

So, are you still seeing him?

No. Haven't heard from him in weeks.

Do you think it was the job?

Nah. That's how we met.

Never bothered him before.

Uff.

Men. Men.

Okay, let's party!

Ho ho ho! Whoa!

Wow! So now what?

Well, now we get undressed.

We get undressed!

It's okay. giggling

What are you waiting for?

Come on, baby, give me kisses.

Mm. Ah.

Oh, no tongue.

No tongue? Really?

Yeah. Safety reasons.

And going down on my girlfriend's okay?

Well, yes, but the $800 doesn't include that.

What does it include?

Well, kissing, touching, feeling, intercourse.

And no cunnilinguses?

Well, that would be extra.

What the fuck you think the Saran Wrap was for?

I don't know, chicken cutlets?

Thomas Oh, man! You know what?

It's okay. I don't need it. No, no, no, no, no.

How much for everything?

A thousand dollars for everything.

A thousand dollars? A thousand dollars?

All right, Jen, just don't worry about it.

This whole experience can't be mired with restrictions.

That would suck.

I feel like I'm having sex with a traffic cop.

All right, I'll be right back.

Stay here, get more undressed!

This chick ain't a prostitute, she's a freakin� thief.

What's going on?

It's out of money?

You gotta be kidding me!

This has gotta be some kind of mistake.

So was your outfit.

Oh, come on! Come on!

All right, I gotta go to another TM.

All right. Taxi!

Taxi!

Are you kidding me?

You dick!

Taxi!

Taxi!

I hope he gets here soon.

I have a bachelor party at 12.

Mm, I wonder what�s taking him so long.

harps

What the world needs is love, lots more love.

It's like that Hendricks song.

The Hendricks? Hendricks to me, Hendricks?

He said, Let love rule.

That was Lenny Kravitz.

Right. I'm just saying there's so much hatred.

We need love instead. Who are you, John Lennon?

Nah, I don't even like the Stones.

He was in The Beatles.

Eh...

tires screeching

pounding Wake up!

Bush, Bush is the one that brought in all the hatred.

You know what I'm saying?

He's- He's the dumbest thing I ever saw in my life.

It's the first president we have

that I think I'm smarter than.

I'm not saying I'm a genius,

but I could take this guy in a Scrabble game, you know?

pounding Take him in Scrabble?

You can't take me two blocks without falling asleep.

Bush is so money hungry and oil thirsty,

he's the one that's causing all these problems.

He really is.

All right, we're here.

All right, dude, can you wait here?

I'll be right back.

All right, but the meter's gonna keep running.

Yeah, not as much as your mouth.

Cabbie?

I can't. I'm waiting for the guy by the ATM.

Aw, come on, dude, you have to hook me up.

How much is the meter? It's five, but I can't.

I'll give you twice as much if you let us in.

Come on, above the fare.

Nah, it's wrong. I'm waiting for the guy.

I can't. Clark!

Come on, man, I'm never going to get a cab this late at night.

Do me a favor, hear me out.

I'll give you $20 before you start the meter.

How does that sound? All right, get in, get in.

Go!

Hey!

What are you, kidding me?

Clark Oh, cabbie, wake up!

Wake up, cabbie! Wake up!

What's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to you?

Mm, one time a guy asked me to shit on his head.

Yeah.

Oh...

Uh-oh. gurgling

Jennifer Oh, God! How can you eat that?

That spicy food would have me running to the bathroom.

You kidding? I got one of those cast-iron stomach.

Ugh, you're lucky.

No, I'm a man, baby.

My stomach is built for war.

laughing

Oh, you're going to be sorry.

gurgling Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Oh...

Help! Help! Stop! Help!

Help! Stop!

Let go! Help! Help! Oh, God.

This is awful. Let go!

farting

gurgling toilets flushing

farting

plopping

farting

plopping

farting, plopping

grunting

grunting farting, plopping

screaming

grunting

Oh! Oh!

whispering What?... I wonder what she ate.

sotto voce Oh, no.

Holy shit.

Oh, no. farts

Hello?

Excuse me?

high voice I'll be out in a minute.

Ugh! Sorry!

Wait a second, you're not even in a wheelchair.

nervous laugh Ate some bad stuff.

Come on, already. farts

Aw, shit.

Get out of there already.

I'll be right out.

farting

bang

Come on!

normal voice Just give me a break!

Come on!

bang Hello?

bang

bang Come on, I've gotta take a shit!

bang

Ugh.

toilet flushes

I mean, do you ever think why the national debt

keeps getting higher?

Just think, if the president just taxed everybody another dollar,

we'd just wipe the whole thing out?

Hmm.

sighs Come on.

men laughing

ding

Hello.

Hello.

Hey, dude, let me ask you something.

If I say hello,

why can't you respond with hello?

Is that that fuckin' hard?

Is that gonna ruin your whole freakin' night?

Hello.

There.

Did that hurt your tonsils?

You must be having a bad night.

Yes, I am!

You're very observant, Sherlock, aren't you?

Who's this, your partner?

You, Watson, do you speak?

Do you? Or do you communicate telepathically?

Because if you do,

could you hear what I'm thinking now?

ding

He says you can go fuck yourself, too.

Now how the fuck did he know I was thinking that?

sighs

What's going on?

Honey, she's gotta leave.

I'm sorry. You took too long.

What the fuck is this? You know what?

It's really okay.

I'm getting kind of tired anyway.

What?

Just relax. Relax?

I was just all over Manhattan getting cash.

Look, I gotta go. I'm sorry.

Do you have my $500?

$500, are you kidding?

Hey, it's not my fault you didn't have the money.

Just pay her.

Oh, my God.

Night. Be safe.

So that's it, huh?

You know what, honey? It's okay.

We will do this another time.

Jesus Christ, this sucks.

It's kind of funny if you think about it. It's kind of funny?

I just wiped my ass with a hundred bucks. I thought it was 500.

Goddamn ATMs only give you 20s.

Come on, cheer up.

We'll get this right one of these days.

Now come on, let's get crazy.

Wait. How much is this going to cost me? laughs

Come on.

whistles

Hmm.

I don't know, Thomas.

I've been thinking maybe I should settle down,

start a family.

A family?

Jeez, Ern, what brought this up?

yelling in foreign language

Hmm. Huh.

Well, I don't know. I'm not getting any younger.

My mom keeps bugging me to spawn.

Ernie, do you ever do anything

that your mommy doesn't tell you to do?

yelling in foreign language

Sure I do. Like what?

I don't know.

She wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer and I'm not.

That's because you got a 400 on your SATs.

450. Prick.

I got a big date tonight.

Oh, yeah? How much she charge?

Actually, it's not a real date.

It's one of those Jewish singles dating things.

What the fuck? Whoa!

gibberish

Let's just go by the hole; she'll never hit it there.

Leave it to this cheap public golf course

to team us up with the yin-yang twins.

Hey, Ernie, Jennifer and I are going to go see

Darla Weddings play tonight.

You wanna come? No, man.

I got this Jewish singles thing.

Ow! Oh!

Jesus Christ! yelling in foreign language

opening soda can

yelling in foreign language

...chubby!

Hey, yell at me, I'll fucking-

Hey, hey! Calm down, Ernie.

Calm down. Lunatic!

Nobody's gonna tell me

How-to make a new friend

I'm on my own again

Thank you and have a good night.

Isn't she great?

Eh, she was all right.

laughs I'm just kidding.

She's great.

I need a drink. Come on.

All right.

Hey, man, you got a Guinness?

Uh, Guinness.

Uh, uh, I...

Tom. Tom Burns.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's me, Dorman Howell.

Oh, Dorman Howell. How you doing, man?

I'm good, man. How you doing?

How's it going? It's going good, man.

This is my girlfriend Jennifer.

Hey, there. Nice to meet you.

Hey, there, yourself. chuckles

Did you guys enjoy the show?

Yes. Yeah, she was great, man.

She's really good. I dig it, I dig it.

Hey, do you guys wanna- you guys wanna meet her?

I'm- I'm friends with her.

Get outta here. Yeah.

You're friends with her? Yeah.

You have a friend? Shh!

I got... one. God.

He was hated in college. He's gonna get us backstage.

Except for you. Thanks for remembering.

laughing

You guys wanna get backstage?

Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Come on. I'll introduce you.

Oh, my God.

All right, let's go.

You owe me for this. I know.

laughs

crowd whistles, cheers

Hey. whistles

Hey, baby. Good to see you.

Darla, come here for one sec.

Darla, this is Jennifer and Tom.

They're friends of mine.

Hi, Darla. Hey.

Big fan, big fan. Thank you. Thanks for coming.

Oh, it's wonderful to meet you.

Yeah, you, too. Thanks for coming.

Darla, Tom's an old college buddy of mine.

You might recognize him from the Sprint PCS commercials.

Yeah, I'm the guy that places a call to a monkey.

Oh, of course. Yeah, like you saw it.

Not really. I didn't think so.

No, I don't think so, either.

Drinks?

You'd ladies like some drinks.

Oh, yes.

You calling me a lady?

I think I am.

Yeah, I'll have a beer. Are you buying?

Oh, you are such a cheapo.

Good, good, 'cause I have no money.

Oh, God. Wild Turkey.

Hello?

Uh, yeah, what she's having.

Oh. Well, really?

I gotta tell you, you were really great tonight.

giggles Thank you.

So, how long have you been with Thomas?

Oh, like six months.

Wow, six months? That's a long time.

chuckles

Good for you. Are you faithful?

Well, you know, we have an arrangement.

Sort of. Really?

What, so you're allowed to cheat?

No, but, uh, we- He-We...

...are with other women.

At least, we would like to be.

Well, that sounds like

a really good arrangement for him.

I hope you get to be with other men, too.

Well, not exactly.

Well, it sounds like he's got the better end of the deal, then, huh?

In fact, I know he's got the better end of the deal.

You wanna hear my impression of Yoda?

Mm-hmm.

imitating Yoda Mmm, a Jedi you are.

chuckles

Wanna hear my impression of Grover from Sesame Street?

Uh-huh.

same voice Mmm, a Jedi you are.

laughs

You get it? It's the same guy.

You get it?

Oh, I'm such an idiot.

Hey, Darla.

Hey.

Hey, when's your album coming out.

I don't know, a couple months, I guess.

Oh, so exciting.

Yeah.

Yeah, I loved that last song you did.

Oh, thank you.

I think I could sing the chorus of it.

No. No. No.

God.

I always thought I was a good singer, you know?

Come on. You know what, you guys, let's get out of here.

You want to come back to my place and get some drinks?

chuckles Yeah.

Yeah, come on. Let's go.

laughing

Hey. Okay, so, there's drinks over there,

there's joints on the coffee table,

and I'm gonna go clean up, and I'll be back.

Man, this is great.

Such a nice place.

God.

So, how cool is this?

A Darla Weddings lighter.

I wonder how much I could get for this on e-bay.

Thomas Burns, put that back.

Put that back.

I guess we should smoke, huh?

If a gay guy gets a bartell is in,

is that foreplay?

It's good for him.

both laughing

So, Thomas, Jennifer tells me of your little arrangement.

And it sounds pretty interesting.

Arrangement?

Yeah, I mean,

I've been wanting to fuck your girlfriend all night.

If that means I have to fuck you, too,

well, I'll take it.

Really?

You're serious?

Uh-huh.

Do you want to watch me kiss her?

Fuck yeah.

Oh, man.

Whoa.

Oh, my God.

Gracias, mi amigas

Gracias, mi amigas

Gracias, mi amigas

Seven times.

It's gotta be some kind of record.

Seven times.

Man, that was great.

God, Darla's so cute. She's got that kick-ass body.

Did I just say that out loud?

What an idiot!

Oh, TM I!

Did I just say TM I?

Oh, how gay am I?

Pull over.

What?

What's the matter?

Jen, what's wrong?

Nothing.

What do you mean, nothing? Something's bothering you.

Tell me what it is.

You were all over her tonight.

I might as well not have even been there.

Oh, come on, it was- That's ridiculous.

No, now you�re going on about how hot she is,

and how perfect her body is.

Jen, just perfect for us.

I mean, you know, for the first time we do this, come on.

I mean, you know, I was just saying-

I mean, how lucky did we get

to have the first girl be this cute?

Do you want to keep talking?

Really?

No, I'm just saying.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. It's just the first time.

I got excited.

I'm an idiot. I promise.

Please, don't make me beg you.

I love you.

I'm an idiot. I promise, I'm a schmuck.

How do you say it in Jewish? I'm a schmuck.

Please, help me out.

Shut up, already. Shut up, already.

All right, shut up. Shut up.

So, are you and Jennifer gonna see Darla again?

We kind of have this rule that we're only supposed to

be with a girl once, but Darla was great, man.

A regular pro.

I see.

How about you, Derek? I mean, do you have a...

...girlfriend?

Well, this isn't about me, Thomas,

but, no, I haven't found that special...

...someone as of late.

Well, it's getting to be about that time, so...

Hey, um, Darla called.

She wants to hang out tonight, maybe get some drinks.

Yes!

What?

Nothing, I'm just having-

You know, some people in the gym over here.

Really?

I mean, I know it's breaking rule number one,

but, um, I don't mind if you don't.

I don't have a problem with it,

unless, of course, you do. No, I don't have a problem with it.

Oh.

But I told Ernie I'd meet him for a few drinks. Oh.

Is it all right if he came for a little while?

Don't worry, he can't stay long.

Fine.

Yeah, it's been really hard to have

some serious relationships while I'm on the road.

Oh.

Who has better come on lines, men or women?

Well, I really wouldn't know

'cause I'm too busy coming on to the women.

laughs

Come on, what about the men?

The men? Uh-huh.

Oh, please. The men.

God, I don't think they really care

about anything else except their own penis.

Damn, that place is way too loud.

I couldn't even hear myself.

You know, my father was deaf in his right ear,

which is weird, because that's the ear

he always wanted me to talk into.

I don't like loud music. That's how you get tinnitus.

That's a constant ringing in your ears

that could lead to deafness, which would just be awful.

So how does one get this tinnitus?

Loud music, I just told you that.

Aren�t you listening to what I'm saying?

Don't worry, I'm not mad.

I'm a very forgiving person.

My father told me I was...

Hey, what's up?

Oh.

Hey, baby.

What's going on?

Am I late? It's 10:00.

No, no, no. We got here early.

chuckles

How early, two this afternoon?

Like 8:30. She got out of rehearsal early.

Ah. Hey, Darla, this is my good friend Ernie.

Hi. Hey.

Mm-hmm.

laughs

I'm starved. Can we get anything to eat?

Oh, well, as to our conversation,

but their stomachs before that.

What?

Nothing, tiger. No, no, no, what?

No, I gotta go to the ladies room.

I really gotta go. Gotta go. You wanna come?

I'll come. Oh, let's go.

See ya.

All right, have fun.

I can't wait to show her Ernie Junior.

She's hot.

She is.

What's that look?

Nothing.

What?

That guy Ernie's pretty strange.

He keeps staring at me with this stupid smile on his face.

Get the fuck out of here.

That's right.

You gotta be kidding.

Nope.

Jesus Christ. How'd you do that?

Don't ask.

That's every guy's fantasy,

to bang two chicks at the same time,

and with a celebrity, no less!

You lucky bastard.

No, Ern, skill. Skill.

Dude, you gotta make me a videotape.

Get out of here.

And Jennifer doesn�t mind that you�re

giving it to some other chick at the same time.

No, 'cause she's having a good time, too.

Wow.

I don't know what to say.

Well, there's a first.

Fucker.

Motherfucker.

So, how you doin'? How's the prostitute parade going?

It's actually all right.

What, two for one sale?

I met a nice normal girl, actually.

Really? Where?

At that Jewish singles thing.

Great. What happened?

Well, they made everybody go up and give, like, a speech about themselves, you know?

So it's my turn to go up there.

I get up in front of the whole crowd.

I look over the fucking crowd, and I say...

Yeah, uh, hi, everybody.

My name's Ernest Weinberg, and I got one question.

Where the fuck are the hot chicks at?

This place sucks!

I paid 99 bucks to meet a bunch of old people and their parents?

Holy shit.

I've seen younger faces on cash.

Oh, and guys, do you want a piece of advice?

You want to get laid? Lose the fucking obnoxious beards.

This sucks.

I don't understand something, then.

So where'd you meet the girl?

On the way out. She's the coat check girl.

Sorry!

Hey.

You're pretty.

There's only one problem.

She's got a job.

No. Worse.

She's got a penis?

She's Catholic.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm Jewish.

Yeah?

Yeah, so, I can't get serious

with a Catholic girl,

it goes against every part of my religion.

What, and banging prostitutes doesn't?

I can't bring a Catholic girl home.

My mom will kill me.

Oh, my God, there you go with your mother again.

What, does she own your penis?

Yes.

Dude, being a Jew or a Catholic,

it's like being a Yankee or a Met fan.

The only difference is where a Yankee fan

could recognize a good player

like Carlos Delgado playing for the Mets,

the Jews can't appreciate a good player

like Jesus playing for the Catholics.

Uh-huh.

I mean, they must be jealous.

I mean, he's young, virile, swimmer's body,

can walk on water.

And you know what really pisses them off?

It's that he was once on their team.

That's kind of like when the Red Sox got rid of Babe Ruth.

Are you done?

Dude, do you really believe Moses parted the Red Sea?

Yes.

It was low tide.

You're going to hell.

No, I'm going over there.

Motherfucker!

moaning

Jennifer, where are you going?

Jen! Wait up!

Where are you going?

What's the matter?

Oh, here we go again.

Here we go again?

Now what is it? This is bullshit.

You were all over her. You don't care anything about me.

Oh, come on, Jen. Not again with this.

You know what I think, Thomas?

Being loved just by me isn't good enough for you.

Jen, of course it is. Come on, will you stop it with this?

Look, sweetums,

I love you more than love itself.

This Darla chick is nothing more to me than a sperm receptacle.

Sperm receptacle?

You're an asshole.

Just kidding. Figure of speech.

Poetic license.

Jen, come on.

Listen, Jen, you wanted this, too.

As soon as I started enjoying myself,

you gotta fuck it up.

Oh, here we go. Everything has to be about you.

Oh, what are you talking about?

You know what, Jen? You're freaking nuts.

Totally nuts. And now you�re gonna leave.

How typical. Just great. Just great.

I hope one day you get what you want.

Come on, Jennifer!

Give me a break!

I love you?

I don't know, man. I'm miserable.

I'm freaking out.

I mean, it's been a week.

I can't eat, I can't think.

I can't even jerk off.

Well, don't you see her in the show?

Nah. Edgar's back from the cruise.

Unfortunately, his boat didn't sink.

Well, why don't you stop by, say hi, work it out.

Of course, man. She's wrong.

I mean, she'd agreed to doing this.

Fuck.

You know, Thomas, you realize you ask a lot of her.

I mean, this threesome stuff is pretty tricky stuff.

Especially with someone you love.

Thomas, you do know that she did love you.

I mean, she does love you,

and maybe she just needs to be assured

that you still feel the same way about her.

Maybe it's time that you reach out to her.

I mean, do you still love her?

I love her more than anything.

And can you deal with just making love to her?

Thomas, don't let her go.

Find her.

Sex, it's temporary.

But love, real love,

it's pretty hard to find.

Hey, Thomas. You got a callback, too? Congratulations.

Yeah, same with you. Great, man.

Hey, dude, meet my new girlfriend.

Maria.

Hi. Hi, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, Thomas, you're next.

Great. Wish me luck.

Dude, dude, dude, dude.

Break a leg in there, man.

What do you think? Huh.

She's a tomato, huh?

Yeah, she's great.

What happened to her eyes?

Umbrella accident.

How you doin', man? You hear from Jennifer?

Nah, she's staying with Tracy.

Hey, what happened to your mom and her anti-Catholic position?

Fuck her.

Hey, Tommy, this is Johnny.

I need you to do this clown thing for me one more time.

One last time. It's in Long Island.

I'll even let you bother my father's car.

I just gotta work this thing out with my girl.

sighs

Great. Thanks for the job, Johnny.

I'm a freaking clown again.

Who says clown ain't happy?

So freaking happy.

That and 9 bucks will get me a coffee at Starbucks.

Thomas, what, are you fucking nuts?

Why you whining?

Who the hell are you?

I'm your better-half.

Think of all the hashish you can get now.

Thomas, go back to her.

She loves you. You love her.

Forget her. You fucked her already. Move on.

Thomas, think clearly.

Follow your heart. Go back to her.

Don't listen to this faggot.

He wouldn't know a good piece of ass if it sat on his face.

His idea of a good time is playing on

that fucking annoying harp all day.

And by the way, he's a horrible fucking harp player.

God had to buy earplugs.

farts

Ooh, that smarts.

Thomas, think of Jennifer,

think of you.

Shut up, you faggot.

Listen, Thomas, if he had any pull,

he'd be riding shotgun.

Thomas, think about it.

This one decision will be with you

for the rest of your life.

Wait. What am I thinking?

I miss Jennifer.

Jesus, I love her.

Who the heck needs this threesome crap?

You fucking cocksucker, bone-smoking faggot,

homo piece of shit.

Jen?

Jennifer moaning

Oh, God.

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck's going on here?

Tom? Yeah, Tom.

Don't mind me, Jen. Go ahead, let Darla finish.

Shit.

Jennifer, are you kidding me? You're fucking cheating on me?

Ugh. Cheating on you? She broke up with you.

A week ago.

Jen, one fucking week?

That's all it took to get over me, one fucking week?

Look, Tommy, I'm really sorry.

Can I talk to you about this later?

Can I maybe call you?

Can you call me?

You're sorry?

Jen, how can you do this to me?

What do you want me to say?

I like being with Darla.

She makes me feel good.

Jen, this doesn't bother you in the least?

Are you that fucking heartless?

Heartless?

Give me a break.

Give you a break?

How about all your fucking rules?

Don't be with the same women twice,

don't be with anyone we know.

Sound familiar, doesn't it, Jen?

You're fucking breaking the rules here, not me.

Tom, I think you should go.

You think I should go?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what she said.

You want me to go?

Jen, can't you see she's playing

some sick kind of fucking game?

I'm playing a game?

I'm playing a game?

You were the one that wanted to share her

with any girl that was available.

You know, if I had her as a girlfriend,

I would never share her with anyone.

Ever.

Jen, this is it?

I thought...

sighs

grunting

stuttering Hey, Thomas.

This is my friend Stephanie.

stuttering Hi, Thomas.

Hey, guys.

Dad, that's him. That's the guy.

Him? Yeah.

You gotta be kidding me.

Well, look who it is. What?

So where do you get off telling my kid

that you're a warlock, scaring him half to death?

The kid can't sleep.

He's been sleeping in my room every night.

Look, I'm sorry.

But maybe if you teach your kid

to stop picking on kids with speech impediments-

Hey, look, asshole,

don't tell me how-to raise my kid.

Dude, don't make me have to kick your ass again, all right?

Ah! Damn!

God!

grunting

Where are you? Come over here!

I'll kick your ass!

Oh, fuck.

Carry me on your back

For as long as you can

Try to get me home

Don't leave me alone

But I'm alive

Bend me, lay me down

phone ringing

beep

answering machine This is Thomas. And Jennifer.

Leave a message after the... beep

Yo, Tommy boy, it's Ernie.

You're not gonna believe this.

Dude, I got the commercial!

It's national! Haha!

Oh, uh, I'm sorry you didn't get it, bro.

Oh, and I'm getting married.

Dude, call me.

phone ringing

beep

answering machine This is Thomas. And Jennifer.

Leave a message after the... beep

Hey, Thomas, it's Seamus.

Edgar has to leave for another cruise again and...

What? Oh, he isn't going?

Sorry, Thomas. Turns out he isn't leaving.

Hope all is well.

clatter

Ken Oh, yes! Oh! Oh, baby!

Rear, on the rear.

sighs

Almost! There it is!

Smear it on your face, smear it on your face.

knocking at door

moans, yells continue indistinctly

knocking continues

knocking

groans

knocking

knocking

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Oh, my God, Derek. Hi. Um...

What are you doing here? Thank you.

Whoa!

That was weird.

You don't understand.

What's up?

Well, I've been trying to reach you,

but your phone's disconnected.

So, your friend Ernie, he gave me your address.

So I came by.

Oh, wh- what's going on?

There's a commercial that you're perfect for,

so I was in the neighborhood

so I brought it by for you here.

Whoa, thanks a lot. That's really nice of you.

Ah, is this it? Mm-hmm.

Thanks a lot.

Cool.

All right. Well, take care.

Take care, Thomas.

Hey, do you want to get a cup of coffee or something with me?

You want to get a cup of coffee with me?

I- I haven't showered in, like, three days.

Three weeks. Oh, come on.

I mean, it's- it just isn�t a good time.

You know?

Don't make me beg. Don't make you beg?

No, I'm not gonna make you beg.

All right.

keys jingling

Don't you have a boyfriend?

I did. I don't anymore.

He kept trying to get me to sleep with other women.

Really? Really?

What an asshole.

I guess the moral of the story is,

if you love what you got and you got what you love,

don't fuck it up.

rock