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1
00:00:01,394 --> 00:00:04,412
¶ It seems today
that all you see ¶
2
00:00:04,413 --> 00:00:08,083
¶ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ¶
3
00:00:08,084 --> 00:00:11,536
¶ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ¶
4
00:00:11,537 --> 00:00:14,348
¶ On which we used to rely? ¶
5
00:00:14,349 --> 00:00:17,851
¶ Lucky there's a family guy ¶
6
00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:21,546
¶ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ¶
7
00:00:21,547 --> 00:00:23,006
¶ All the things that make us ¶
8
00:00:23,007 --> 00:00:24,525
¶ Laugh and cry ¶
9
00:00:24,526 --> 00:00:30,029
¶ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ¶
10
00:00:34,944 --> 00:00:37,704
MAN (on TV): We now return to
LEGO Spotlight.
11
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,455
("Yakety Sax" playing)
12
00:00:42,359 --> 00:00:45,194
I'm not sure we should be
letting Stewie watch this.
13
00:00:45,195 --> 00:00:46,380
It's LEGO. It's fine.
14
00:00:46,381 --> 00:00:48,957
- Yeah, you're right.
- (whistle blows)
15
00:00:48,958 --> 00:00:50,275
Well, that's my train.
16
00:00:50,276 --> 00:00:53,244
Time to disappear
from this life completely.
17
00:00:53,245 --> 00:00:56,056
No, no, Peter. It's just Chris
practicing his new recorder.
18
00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:57,765
What? I said no hobbies.
19
00:00:58,968 --> 00:01:01,586
Brian, that LEGO movie
kind of scared me.
20
00:01:01,587 --> 00:01:04,306
Ah, don't worry about it,
Stewie. It's all make-believe.
21
00:01:04,307 --> 00:01:07,233
- ("Yakety Sax" plays)
- Ah! LEGO! LEGO!
22
00:01:08,886 --> 00:01:10,478
(playing high-pitched note
repeatedly)
23
00:01:10,479 --> 00:01:12,573
Chris, stop!
That sounds terrible.
24
00:01:12,574 --> 00:01:14,932
Yeah, you can't just play
one note over and over.
25
00:01:14,933 --> 00:01:16,577
You're not Danny McBride.
26
00:01:16,578 --> 00:01:18,269
Who taught you
to play like that?
27
00:01:18,270 --> 00:01:19,913
Well, our music teacher quit
28
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:22,416
and was replaced
by a back-East bird.
29
00:01:22,417 --> 00:01:23,825
(bird whistles two notes)
30
00:01:23,826 --> 00:01:25,276
(students play same notes)
31
00:01:25,277 --> 00:01:26,569
(bird whistles same notes)
32
00:01:26,570 --> 00:01:27,904
(students play same notes)
33
00:01:27,905 --> 00:01:29,423
(school bell rings)
34
00:01:29,424 --> 00:01:30,948
See you tomorrow, Mr. Mason.
35
00:01:30,949 --> 00:01:32,759
(bird whistles same notes)
36
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,337
Well, I'm gonna have to talk to
Principal Shepherd about this.
37
00:01:35,338 --> 00:01:37,839
Great. Every kid
loves seeing their mom
38
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:39,174
inside their high school.
39
00:01:39,175 --> 00:01:41,268
I'm sorry, but music
is an important part
40
00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:42,603
of your education.
41
00:01:42,604 --> 00:01:43,920
Your mother's right, Chris.
42
00:01:43,921 --> 00:01:45,013
You don't want to mess this up,
43
00:01:45,014 --> 00:01:47,015
like Skee-Lo messed up
his wishes.
44
00:01:47,016 --> 00:01:49,967
Uh, I wish I was a little bit
taller, I wish I was a baller,
45
00:01:49,968 --> 00:01:52,112
I wish I had a rabbit
in a hat with a bat.
46
00:01:52,113 --> 00:01:54,597
(magical chiming)
47
00:01:54,598 --> 00:01:56,950
- Skee-Lo?!
- What?
48
00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:59,410
You need money!
49
00:02:02,365 --> 00:02:03,648
(tranquil music playing)
50
00:02:03,649 --> 00:02:06,776
You wanted to see me,
Mrs. Griffin?
51
00:02:06,777 --> 00:02:09,779
Um, yes,
to discuss the music program.
52
00:02:09,780 --> 00:02:11,706
Right! Right, of course.
53
00:02:11,707 --> 00:02:14,492
Sorry. I was just testing
these... candles
54
00:02:14,493 --> 00:02:17,620
for a... lie I can't...
think of right now. (panting)
55
00:02:17,621 --> 00:02:21,499
Now, what's this forgettable
misunderstanding all about?
56
00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:24,127
Uh, my son is being taught
by a bird.
57
00:02:24,128 --> 00:02:26,813
- Ah. Ms. Wilkins.
- No, Mr. Mason.
58
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:29,316
Right. Lot of open windows
in this school.
59
00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:31,676
You need a real music teacher.
60
00:02:31,677 --> 00:02:35,155
I'm a trained piano player, and
I've taught lessons for years.
61
00:02:35,156 --> 00:02:37,181
I'd love to come work for you.
62
00:02:37,182 --> 00:02:39,784
You would?
Well, that changes everything.
63
00:02:42,146 --> 00:02:44,164
I'm not gonna have sex with you.
64
00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:46,916
I know. I just farted.
65
00:02:50,487 --> 00:02:54,532
So, everyone,
I have an announcement to make.
66
00:02:54,533 --> 00:02:57,511
I'm gonna be the new
music teacher at Adam West High.
67
00:02:57,512 --> 00:02:59,421
- What?
- Please say you're joking.
68
00:02:59,422 --> 00:03:01,664
I'm not joking. I start Monday.
69
00:03:01,665 --> 00:03:03,925
My wife, a music teacher?
70
00:03:03,926 --> 00:03:06,519
Hold on.
That's a marriage time-out.
71
00:03:12,527 --> 00:03:14,510
I... I think Dad did this wrong.
72
00:03:14,511 --> 00:03:16,863
Yeah, aren't-aren't we supposed
to be the frozen ones?
73
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:19,223
- Dad's a loser.
- Yeah, he sucks.
74
00:03:19,224 --> 00:03:21,702
- Stop it.
- Why? He can't hear us.
75
00:03:21,703 --> 00:03:23,019
PETER:
But I could hear them.
76
00:03:23,020 --> 00:03:24,520
And it hurt.
77
00:03:24,521 --> 00:03:25,730
Turns out,
if you're gonna learn
78
00:03:25,731 --> 00:03:27,874
how to stop time
in wizard school,
79
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:30,785
don't leave class early to be
the first in line for lunch.
80
00:03:30,786 --> 00:03:32,546
It was pizza day.
81
00:03:32,547 --> 00:03:34,548
And you'd think it's got
to be pretty good pizza,
82
00:03:34,549 --> 00:03:37,092
being made by a magic wand
and whatnot.
83
00:03:37,093 --> 00:03:38,885
But it was just okay.
84
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:41,537
I don't think
it was the usual guy making it.
85
00:03:41,538 --> 00:03:45,349
This has been a Peter Griffin
Marriage Time-Out.
86
00:03:48,730 --> 00:03:51,973
(indistinct chatter)
87
00:03:51,974 --> 00:03:53,758
(chatter stops)
88
00:03:53,759 --> 00:03:55,568
Good morning, class.
89
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,989
So... you know.
(chuckles)
90
00:04:01,743 --> 00:04:04,560
I'm your new music teacher,
Mrs. Griffin,
91
00:04:04,561 --> 00:04:07,748
and I started from the bottom.
Now I'm here.
92
00:04:07,749 --> 00:04:09,991
So... rap.
93
00:04:09,992 --> 00:04:11,442
(laughter)
94
00:04:11,443 --> 00:04:13,444
Oh, my God, you're so lame.
95
00:04:13,445 --> 00:04:15,112
I know you are, but what am I?
96
00:04:15,113 --> 00:04:16,447
Lame.
97
00:04:16,448 --> 00:04:18,592
Okay, we'll call that one a tie.
98
00:04:18,593 --> 00:04:21,336
Now, class,
what is music to you?
99
00:04:21,337 --> 00:04:22,620
BOY:
Nothing.
100
00:04:22,621 --> 00:04:24,121
Okay, Deaf Larry, we know
101
00:04:24,122 --> 00:04:26,299
music is nothing to you
and never will be.
102
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,009
Who else? What is music to you?
103
00:04:28,010 --> 00:04:29,293
Stupid.
104
00:04:29,294 --> 00:04:31,420
Connie, you're just afraid,
so you lash out.
105
00:04:31,421 --> 00:04:33,965
I get you, because I was you.
106
00:04:33,966 --> 00:04:36,592
Headstrong, full of anger,
and a body that looked
107
00:04:36,593 --> 00:04:38,779
like it stepped
right out of Redbook magazine.
108
00:04:38,780 --> 00:04:40,614
- GIRL: Is that good?
- Yes, that's good.
109
00:04:40,615 --> 00:04:42,023
You don't know. Shut up.
110
00:04:42,024 --> 00:04:43,975
You were never me.
111
00:04:43,976 --> 00:04:46,410
Oh, no? Look down at your desk.
112
00:04:48,272 --> 00:04:49,480
"L.G."?
113
00:04:49,481 --> 00:04:51,124
Lois... Griffin.
114
00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:53,960
But-but weren't you
Lois Pewterschmidt back then?
115
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,653
Meg, go to
the principal's office.
116
00:04:55,654 --> 00:04:57,205
My desk also has "L.G." on it.
117
00:04:57,206 --> 00:04:59,156
- Mine, too.
- They all do!
118
00:04:59,157 --> 00:05:02,118
Okay, okay, I didn't know where
the troublemaker was gonna sit.
119
00:05:02,119 --> 00:05:05,806
Mr. Mason may have been a bird,
but at least he wasn't a liar.
120
00:05:05,807 --> 00:05:09,183
Well, you better get used to me,
'cause Mr. Mason's gone.
121
00:05:11,169 --> 00:05:13,629
Sweetie, it's the middle
of the day. What happened?
122
00:05:13,630 --> 00:05:15,982
- (whistles two notes)
- Oh, no.
123
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:19,635
Well, I hope this doesn't affect
our plan to have eggs.
124
00:05:19,636 --> 00:05:20,987
(whistles same notes)
125
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:23,823
You wanted this to happen!
126
00:05:28,571 --> 00:05:30,980
So, Lois, how was
your first big day teaching?
127
00:05:30,981 --> 00:05:32,407
You pull a Mary Kay Letourneau?
128
00:05:32,408 --> 00:05:33,858
(laughs)
129
00:05:33,859 --> 00:05:35,192
No, Peter.
130
00:05:35,193 --> 00:05:36,652
I didn't leave my family
131
00:05:36,653 --> 00:05:40,507
to have sex with a 12-year-old
boy named Vili Fualaau,
132
00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:44,201
get arrested for rape, give
birth to his child in prison,
133
00:05:44,202 --> 00:05:46,680
get out, get arrested again
for humping him in a car
134
00:05:46,681 --> 00:05:49,516
when he was 13,
have his second kid in jail,
135
00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:51,167
get out, get married to him,
136
00:05:51,168 --> 00:05:54,354
change my name
to Mary Kay Letourneau-Fualaau,
137
00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:56,714
live my life
as a disgraced sex offender,
138
00:05:56,715 --> 00:05:58,549
and then get dumped by him.
139
00:05:58,550 --> 00:06:01,269
(laughing):
No, I didn't do that.
140
00:06:01,270 --> 00:06:03,864
But I did have a little trouble
in Meg's class
141
00:06:03,865 --> 00:06:06,015
because of that brat
Connie D'Amico.
142
00:06:06,016 --> 00:06:08,851
She's a classic,
entitled, mean-girl slut.
143
00:06:08,852 --> 00:06:11,520
Connie D'Amico? She stopped by
to see you yesterday.
144
00:06:11,521 --> 00:06:13,230
She did?! What'd she say?
145
00:06:13,231 --> 00:06:16,042
- She said you're gullible.
- And?
146
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,878
Hmm, Connie D'Amico.
147
00:06:17,879 --> 00:06:19,695
The name sounds familiar.
148
00:06:19,696 --> 00:06:21,405
I better go check
Meg's yearbook--
149
00:06:21,406 --> 00:06:25,242
pages four, six, 11,
27, 41, 42 and 60--
150
00:06:25,243 --> 00:06:27,578
to see if it's the babe
I'm thinking of.
151
00:06:27,579 --> 00:06:29,246
Lois, I'll take
my dessert upstairs
152
00:06:29,247 --> 00:06:31,758
in the masturbation bathroom.
153
00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:33,417
(sighs)
Maybe I'm not cut out
154
00:06:33,418 --> 00:06:35,086
to teach high school kids.
155
00:06:35,087 --> 00:06:37,213
I thought
I could handle their nonsense,
156
00:06:37,214 --> 00:06:39,566
but I just kind of froze today
with Connie.
157
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,717
- Yeah, hang it up.
- You gave it a day.
158
00:06:41,718 --> 00:06:42,961
That's nonsense, Lois.
159
00:06:42,962 --> 00:06:45,054
You just have to be more
of an authority figure.
160
00:06:45,055 --> 00:06:46,406
If Connie gets out of line
again,
161
00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:48,265
don't be afraid
to show her who's boss.
162
00:06:48,266 --> 00:06:50,226
Like I did with those squirrels.
163
00:06:50,227 --> 00:06:52,153
- (squirrels chittering)
- Hey, neighborinos.
164
00:06:52,154 --> 00:06:53,914
Um, so, not a huge deal,
165
00:06:53,915 --> 00:06:56,082
but if you guys could keep
your chittering down,
166
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,442
I'm trying to get
some writing done in the house.
167
00:06:58,443 --> 00:06:59,994
Oh, yeah, yeah,
no-no problem, bro.
168
00:06:59,995 --> 00:07:02,405
Also, maybe you could go (bleep)
your own face, huh?
169
00:07:02,406 --> 00:07:03,614
Could that be good?
170
00:07:03,615 --> 00:07:04,666
- (laughter)
- Yeah!
171
00:07:04,667 --> 00:07:06,117
(chuckles)
172
00:07:06,118 --> 00:07:07,928
(chucking):
Oh. Okay.
173
00:07:07,929 --> 00:07:10,263
All right, thanks, guys.
174
00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,956
Stewie? What are you doing here?
175
00:07:11,957 --> 00:07:13,749
I followed you into your cutaway
176
00:07:13,750 --> 00:07:16,127
because I didn't believe
you showed anyone who's boss.
177
00:07:16,128 --> 00:07:17,771
And I was right.
178
00:07:17,772 --> 00:07:20,498
Did you get a sleeve tattoo
of Freddie Mercury?
179
00:07:20,499 --> 00:07:22,024
Yeah, it's a cutaway.
180
00:07:24,612 --> 00:07:26,595
(playing light
chord progressions)
181
00:07:26,596 --> 00:07:29,640
I know some of you kids think
this class has nothing to do
182
00:07:29,641 --> 00:07:32,786
with your day-to-day lives,
but you couldn't be more wrong.
183
00:07:32,787 --> 00:07:35,646
Music tells the story
of our lives.
184
00:07:35,647 --> 00:07:37,648
For example, this morning,
185
00:07:37,649 --> 00:07:40,535
I woke up
and saw it was a sunny day.
186
00:07:40,536 --> 00:07:42,461
(plays Grieg's "Morning Mood")
187
00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:47,542
Then I had some tea.
188
00:07:47,543 --> 00:07:49,636
(plays "East Asian riff")
189
00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:52,288
Which was from China.
190
00:07:52,289 --> 00:07:56,142
On my way out the door, the
kitty cat ran across my piano.
191
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,127
(plays dissonant,
descending notes)
192
00:07:58,128 --> 00:07:59,554
Get off of there, kitty cat!
193
00:07:59,555 --> 00:08:01,172
(laughs)
194
00:08:01,173 --> 00:08:03,007
Then I drove to work.
195
00:08:03,008 --> 00:08:04,775
(plays rapid, upbeat melody)
196
00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:08,154
But then, I hit some traffic...
197
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,824
(plays ominous sting)
198
00:08:10,825 --> 00:08:13,234
...that was caused by a parade.
199
00:08:13,235 --> 00:08:15,903
(plays Sousa's
"The Stars and Stripes Forever")
200
00:08:15,904 --> 00:08:17,521
For gay rights.
201
00:08:17,522 --> 00:08:20,149
(plays "The Stars and Stripes
Forever" in high octave)
202
00:08:20,150 --> 00:08:22,669
And finally,
I got to school early
203
00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:25,696
and diarrhea'd
in the girls' locker room.
204
00:08:25,697 --> 00:08:28,491
(plays sustained low note)
205
00:08:28,492 --> 00:08:30,034
The end.
206
00:08:30,035 --> 00:08:31,160
You suck!
207
00:08:31,161 --> 00:08:32,253
Aah!
208
00:08:32,254 --> 00:08:35,515
(laughter)
209
00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:37,374
That's it, Connie!
210
00:08:37,375 --> 00:08:39,143
To the principal's office. Now!
211
00:08:43,432 --> 00:08:46,768
Okay. For the rest of the class,
I will wait for the bell.
212
00:08:46,769 --> 00:08:48,511
(school bell ringing)
213
00:08:48,512 --> 00:08:50,772
And then I will suddenly talk
much louder and faster
214
00:08:50,773 --> 00:08:52,365
as you're heading out the door.
215
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,868
Okay, and remember, there's
a quiz a week from Wednesday!
216
00:08:54,869 --> 00:08:56,685
- (students gasping)
- BOY: Oh, no.
217
00:08:56,686 --> 00:08:58,538
Good. That means you heard me.
218
00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:01,707
This is how Hollywood thinks
school teachers talk.
219
00:09:05,454 --> 00:09:07,530
Connie, I've asked Mrs. Griffin
to be here
220
00:09:07,531 --> 00:09:09,716
since it was her class
you disrupted.
221
00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:13,077
And I'm sorry to say, this is
your third strike this year.
222
00:09:13,078 --> 00:09:14,870
According to school policy,
223
00:09:14,871 --> 00:09:17,164
three strikes means
you're expelled.
224
00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:18,541
What?!
225
00:09:18,542 --> 00:09:21,085
Principal Shepherd,
I'm not sure that's necessary.
226
00:09:21,086 --> 00:09:23,045
I'm sorry.
I've made my decision.
227
00:09:23,046 --> 00:09:25,256
Now, if you ladies don't mind
stepping out,
228
00:09:25,257 --> 00:09:27,308
I have to reprimand
Danny McBride next.
229
00:09:27,309 --> 00:09:29,593
Mr. McBride,
do you know why you're here?
230
00:09:29,594 --> 00:09:33,556
Yeah, maybe because I'm awesome,
and you're a gay homosexual,
231
00:09:33,557 --> 00:09:35,266
and also the word
"Jet Ski" a lot?
232
00:09:35,267 --> 00:09:36,767
(grunting)
233
00:09:36,768 --> 00:09:39,244
(chuckling):
Yeah, you know why you're here.
234
00:09:45,086 --> 00:09:48,070
Ugh. I feel kind of bad
about getting Connie expelled.
235
00:09:48,071 --> 00:09:49,780
But maybe
this'll make her realize
236
00:09:49,781 --> 00:09:51,833
she needs to be
more respectful to others.
237
00:09:51,834 --> 00:09:53,951
Eh, probably not.
She's really hot.
238
00:09:53,952 --> 00:09:55,119
(phone vibrates)
239
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,787
Hey, Lois, I just got an invite
240
00:09:56,788 --> 00:09:58,506
for a Facebook group
you started called
241
00:09:58,507 --> 00:10:01,101
"Keep Harriet Tubman
Off the 20-Dollar Bill."
242
00:10:01,102 --> 00:10:03,627
What? I haven't even been
on Facebook today.
243
00:10:03,628 --> 00:10:06,347
Wow. Your profile pic is now
just the word "veterans"
244
00:10:06,348 --> 00:10:08,724
with a circle
and a line through it.
245
00:10:08,725 --> 00:10:11,277
I mean, that's the way I feel
about ghosts, but veterans?
246
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,446
Mom, this is Connie
getting back at you.
247
00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,139
It's called "cyberbullying."
248
00:10:15,140 --> 00:10:17,975
(scoffs)
Cyberbullying? Me?
249
00:10:17,976 --> 00:10:21,788
By the way, Vili Fualaau
is now a DJ in Seattle.
250
00:10:21,789 --> 00:10:23,939
Boy, Connie must
really mean business.
251
00:10:23,940 --> 00:10:26,650
Like an Armenian kid
in a candy store.
252
00:10:26,651 --> 00:10:28,944
Hey, little boy, can I help you?
253
00:10:28,945 --> 00:10:30,538
Yes, I wish to buy business
254
00:10:30,539 --> 00:10:33,299
and turn into car wash.
255
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,175
(children shouting in distance)
256
00:10:36,953 --> 00:10:38,829
(women chuckle)
257
00:10:38,830 --> 00:10:42,099
We had no idea
you'd switched teams, Lois.
258
00:10:46,147 --> 00:10:47,722
Ugh. Damn it, Connie.
259
00:10:47,723 --> 00:10:50,224
No, it's just a nasty prank.
260
00:10:50,225 --> 00:10:52,059
What's so nasty about it?
261
00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:53,844
(chuckles):
I mean, nothing.
262
00:10:53,845 --> 00:10:55,396
I-I'm fine with it.
263
00:10:55,397 --> 00:10:57,473
Okay, well,
if you're so fine with it,
264
00:10:57,474 --> 00:10:58,974
what are you doing Friday night?
265
00:10:58,975 --> 00:11:01,352
Oh, um...
266
00:11:01,353 --> 00:11:04,497
Mmm. So, I got
my blacksmith certification.
267
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:07,241
- I can make axes now.
- Oh.
268
00:11:07,242 --> 00:11:09,243
You in the market for an ax?
269
00:11:09,244 --> 00:11:11,362
I'll keep this
on the D.L. Hughley,
270
00:11:11,363 --> 00:11:14,590
but your next date should be
with Christ.
271
00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:20,755
Lois, are you using
the Elmo toothbrush,
272
00:11:20,756 --> 00:11:23,257
- which is mine?
- Oh, sorry, Peter.
273
00:11:23,258 --> 00:11:26,043
I've just been so distracted
with this whole Connie thing.
274
00:11:26,044 --> 00:11:27,544
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
275
00:11:27,545 --> 00:11:30,214
So, Connie made you mistake
a monster's face
276
00:11:30,215 --> 00:11:31,599
for the words "Oral-B."
277
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,050
Come on, Peter, I'm serious.
278
00:11:33,051 --> 00:11:34,551
This is a real problem.
279
00:11:34,552 --> 00:11:35,937
Well, if she's really ruining
your life,
280
00:11:35,938 --> 00:11:37,554
go down to the station
and talk to Joe.
281
00:11:37,555 --> 00:11:39,607
Yeah, I thought of that,
but I hate competing
282
00:11:39,608 --> 00:11:43,018
with the sound of ringing phones
and typewriter keys.
283
00:11:43,019 --> 00:11:44,061
- (phones ringing, keys clacking)
- And she hacked
284
00:11:44,062 --> 00:11:46,230
- all my Internet accounts.
- What?
285
00:11:46,231 --> 00:11:49,191
Connie!
I think she hacked my Twitter!
286
00:11:49,192 --> 00:11:51,193
Well, without any
hard evidence, Lois,
287
00:11:51,194 --> 00:11:53,379
I'm afraid
there's nothing we can do!
288
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:56,624
Fine! I knew this would be
a waste of time!
289
00:11:56,625 --> 00:11:59,410
Okay, fellas, she's gone!
290
00:11:59,411 --> 00:12:00,945
(ringing and clacking stop)
291
00:12:00,946 --> 00:12:03,389
I'd like to report somebody
using the wrong toothbrush.
292
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,082
Have a seat, sir.
Tell me everything.
293
00:12:05,083 --> 00:12:07,309
Okay. You know Elmo, right?
294
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:14,141
Hmm, I'm not seeing
any Viva brand paper towels.
295
00:12:14,142 --> 00:12:16,736
- That's the only brand I use.
- Uh, sounds good.
296
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:19,763
I'm gonna go see what new stuff
they're turning into milk.
297
00:12:19,764 --> 00:12:21,932
Oh, wood milk!
298
00:12:21,933 --> 00:12:25,319
Hey, that woman has
all the Viva brand paper towels.
299
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,655
E-Excuse me, miss,
300
00:12:27,656 --> 00:12:30,958
could I have one of those
Viva brand paper towel rolls?
301
00:12:32,610 --> 00:12:35,571
- (gasps)
- Oh, so sorry.
302
00:12:35,572 --> 00:12:38,332
I need them all
for the big mess you've made.
303
00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:40,668
Hey, Lois, do we need
any jeans milk at home?
304
00:12:40,669 --> 00:12:43,170
Oh, hey, Connie.
Nice shopping outfit.
305
00:12:43,171 --> 00:12:44,455
Come on, Connie.
306
00:12:44,456 --> 00:12:46,081
It's the only brand I use.
307
00:12:46,082 --> 00:12:49,343
I need it to pat down bacon
and let Meg suck the wad.
308
00:12:49,344 --> 00:12:50,794
Too bad, bitch.
309
00:12:50,795 --> 00:12:52,729
(scanner beeps)
310
00:13:03,308 --> 00:13:05,309
- (beeps)
- There we go.
311
00:13:05,310 --> 00:13:07,620
I know it's been you
cyberbullying me.
312
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:09,122
I didn't mean
to get you expelled,
313
00:13:09,123 --> 00:13:10,814
but now I'm glad I did.
314
00:13:10,815 --> 00:13:13,200
You're a very disrespectful
young lady.
315
00:13:13,201 --> 00:13:14,943
At least I'll have a paper towel
316
00:13:14,944 --> 00:13:17,237
with the power
to take on any spill.
317
00:13:17,238 --> 00:13:18,447
Okay, that's it.
318
00:13:18,448 --> 00:13:20,041
You'll pay for this, Connie!
319
00:13:20,042 --> 00:13:23,660
You better watch your step.
320
00:13:23,661 --> 00:13:24,928
(gasping and murmuring)
321
00:13:29,501 --> 00:13:31,627
Ah, darn it. I couldn't open
my camera in time.
322
00:13:31,628 --> 00:13:33,837
Oh, you can just text me yours.
323
00:13:33,838 --> 00:13:36,565
I'm not texting you.
I don't know you.
324
00:13:39,636 --> 00:13:41,804
Peter, I'm exhausted.
325
00:13:41,805 --> 00:13:43,564
I can't even think
of making dinner.
326
00:13:43,565 --> 00:13:45,182
Well, I didn't hear
what you just said,
327
00:13:45,183 --> 00:13:46,734
but what's the dinner situation?
328
00:13:46,735 --> 00:13:48,736
¶ ¶
329
00:13:48,737 --> 00:13:51,572
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,
transitioning into my sad voice
330
00:13:51,573 --> 00:13:53,240
for the death of a white girl.
331
00:13:53,241 --> 00:13:56,002
Local white girl Connie D'Amico
died at the scene
332
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,195
of an automobile accident
earlier tonight,
333
00:13:58,196 --> 00:14:01,174
the brake lines of Connie's
Celica apparently cut.
334
00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:03,492
Oh, my God. How horrible!
335
00:14:03,493 --> 00:14:05,661
(exhales)
Can you imagine being the shovel
336
00:14:05,662 --> 00:14:08,831
that gets to scrape that ass
off the road?
337
00:14:08,832 --> 00:14:11,291
Eh, maybe in my next life.
338
00:14:11,292 --> 00:14:12,017
(knock on door)
339
00:14:13,336 --> 00:14:16,505
Lois Griffin, I'm sorry,
but you're under arrest.
340
00:14:16,506 --> 00:14:19,174
I'm gonna have to take you down
to the station.
341
00:14:19,175 --> 00:14:20,843
On what charge?
342
00:14:20,844 --> 00:14:22,603
We've got you
on grocery store video
343
00:14:22,604 --> 00:14:24,179
threatening Connie D'Amico.
344
00:14:24,180 --> 00:14:26,032
You're under arrest
for her murder.
345
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:27,558
What?!
346
00:14:27,559 --> 00:14:30,945
Guys, my mom was arrested
for Connie's murder.
347
00:14:30,946 --> 00:14:32,896
No quiz!
348
00:14:32,897 --> 00:14:34,331
(all cheering)
349
00:14:44,325 --> 00:14:45,742
Joe, this is ridiculous.
350
00:14:45,743 --> 00:14:47,536
There's no way
Lois killed Connie.
351
00:14:47,537 --> 00:14:49,204
There's just too much evidence
against her.
352
00:14:49,205 --> 00:14:50,631
I got to take her in.
353
00:14:50,632 --> 00:14:52,875
So, what, I'm supposed to be
a guy without a wife now?
354
00:14:52,876 --> 00:14:55,728
What am I supposed to do,
whatever I want whenever I want?
355
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:58,064
I'm gonna get crow's-feet
from smiling too much.
356
00:14:58,065 --> 00:15:00,424
Sorry, Peter. It's gonna be
quite an adjustment.
357
00:15:00,425 --> 00:15:02,885
Seriously, who's gonna greet me
in a shapeless sweatshirt
358
00:15:02,886 --> 00:15:04,887
- when I come home?
- Meg, maybe.
359
00:15:04,888 --> 00:15:07,431
Who's gonna slap a tarantula
of shampoo hair
360
00:15:07,432 --> 00:15:08,765
on the wall of the shower?
361
00:15:08,766 --> 00:15:10,225
It's the little things you miss.
362
00:15:10,226 --> 00:15:12,486
Who's gonna go, "Ooh! Ooh!
Careful!" while I'm parking?
363
00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:14,989
Sometimes this is
the hardest part of my job.
364
00:15:14,990 --> 00:15:17,900
Who's gonna fill up my DVR
with lady judge programs?
365
00:15:17,901 --> 00:15:19,326
I-I don't make the rules.
366
00:15:19,327 --> 00:15:21,829
Oh, and I suppose now I'll have
to start every road trip
367
00:15:21,830 --> 00:15:24,331
- with a full tank of gas?
- I took an oath, Peter.
368
00:15:24,332 --> 00:15:26,667
What am I supposed to do?
Masturbate comfortably in bed?
369
00:15:26,668 --> 00:15:28,076
The law's the law.
370
00:15:28,077 --> 00:15:30,454
And I guess I'm gonna have to be
on time to every party
371
00:15:30,455 --> 00:15:32,840
- and stay real late?
- Yeah, why do they do that?
372
00:15:32,841 --> 00:15:35,083
And so long,
Handmaid's Tale, I guess.
373
00:15:35,084 --> 00:15:36,844
Two or three more jokes, Peter.
374
00:15:36,845 --> 00:15:38,179
So long, This Is Us.
375
00:15:38,180 --> 00:15:39,346
Last one, maybe.
376
00:15:39,347 --> 00:15:41,256
So long, seeing my dining room.
377
00:15:41,257 --> 00:15:42,633
You got a stronger one
to end on?
378
00:15:42,634 --> 00:15:45,093
So long,
bitchy 2:00 a.m. blanket pulls.
379
00:15:45,094 --> 00:15:46,446
Ah, there we go.
380
00:15:46,447 --> 00:15:48,989
(bleep), Peter.
381
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,267
What am I supposed to do now,
Brian?
382
00:15:52,268 --> 00:15:54,195
Whatever I want whenever I want?
383
00:15:54,196 --> 00:15:56,271
Yeah, I was right here
when you were doing that.
384
00:15:56,272 --> 00:15:58,482
Oh.
I-I didn't hear your laugh.
385
00:15:58,483 --> 00:16:00,375
I'm more of a smile guy.
386
00:16:04,155 --> 00:16:06,490
Peter, we have got to prove
Lois is innocent.
387
00:16:06,491 --> 00:16:08,375
That's right.
And the best way to crack
388
00:16:08,376 --> 00:16:10,327
any high-profile crime case
389
00:16:10,328 --> 00:16:13,288
is to do a podcast
before you have all the facts.
390
00:16:13,289 --> 00:16:15,290
- Okay.
- And the key to any podcast
391
00:16:15,291 --> 00:16:18,126
is poor sound quality
and tons of commercials.
392
00:16:18,127 --> 00:16:19,720
All right, we've got Lois
calling in from prison.
393
00:16:19,721 --> 00:16:21,481
She's only got three minutes.
394
00:16:21,482 --> 00:16:23,483
LOIS (staticky):
Thanks for looking
at my case, guys.
395
00:16:23,484 --> 00:16:25,392
You bet, Lois.
My first question is...
396
00:16:25,393 --> 00:16:27,177
do you get a good night's sleep?
397
00:16:27,178 --> 00:16:30,231
No, 'cause I'm in prison,
and my cellmate is bipolar.
398
00:16:30,232 --> 00:16:32,349
Well, if you get
a Casper mattress now,
399
00:16:32,350 --> 00:16:34,017
you have a hundred days
to decide
400
00:16:34,018 --> 00:16:35,477
if it's the right mattress
for you.
401
00:16:35,478 --> 00:16:37,163
Peter,
I don't have time for this.
402
00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:39,165
I don't have time
for underwear that bunches up.
403
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:41,858
That's why I wear MeUndies.
Perfect underwear
404
00:16:41,859 --> 00:16:43,577
for hanging yourself
in your jail cell.
405
00:16:43,578 --> 00:16:46,339
Can we talk about the case?
I have 30 seconds
406
00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:48,841
before they haul me off
to the freaking cafeteria.
407
00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,751
Sounds like
you could use Blue Apron.
408
00:16:50,752 --> 00:16:53,370
Have you ever wanted to receive
a vegetable in the mail?
409
00:16:53,371 --> 00:16:54,922
Then you need Blue Apron.
410
00:16:54,923 --> 00:16:56,832
I'm, like, obsessed
with the stir-fry.
411
00:16:56,833 --> 00:16:59,001
Brian here
likes the Moroccan beef.
412
00:16:59,002 --> 00:17:01,837
I-I have no opinion
on the Moroccan beef, Peter.
413
00:17:01,838 --> 00:17:04,006
Brian, this is not art.
This is commerce.
414
00:17:04,007 --> 00:17:06,174
Peter, before I go,
I need a new lawyer.
415
00:17:06,175 --> 00:17:08,361
This one made
a sexual pass at me.
416
00:17:08,362 --> 00:17:10,863
Oh, boy. Everyone knows
hiring is a nightmare.
417
00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,940
At least it was
before ZipRecruiter.
418
00:17:12,941 --> 00:17:16,059
ZipRecruiter:
we vastly overestimate
419
00:17:16,060 --> 00:17:19,579
how many podcast listeners are
in a position to hire someone.
420
00:17:22,784 --> 00:17:24,526
Okay, Brian,
let's go through Lois's drawers
421
00:17:24,527 --> 00:17:26,879
and look for clues.
If you find any, let me know.
422
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,031
And if you find
the yo-yo she took from me,
423
00:17:29,032 --> 00:17:30,716
definitely let me know.
424
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:31,884
Stupid Lois.
425
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:33,460
I'm not gonna use it
in the house.
426
00:17:33,461 --> 00:17:35,370
The Wendy's employee
gave it to me
427
00:17:35,371 --> 00:17:36,872
if I promised to calm down.
428
00:17:36,873 --> 00:17:38,206
Peter, this is a dead end.
429
00:17:38,207 --> 00:17:40,393
All I see here is your Nerf gun
from last summer.
430
00:17:40,394 --> 00:17:42,803
Oh, no way.
She said I lost that.
431
00:17:42,804 --> 00:17:45,139
She deserves to be in jail.
432
00:17:45,140 --> 00:17:46,140
PETER:
Hey!
433
00:17:46,141 --> 00:17:47,883
Suck on that, Lois!
434
00:17:47,884 --> 00:17:49,977
That was very close
to my eyes, Peter.
435
00:17:49,978 --> 00:17:51,645
It wasn't close to your eye.
436
00:17:51,646 --> 00:17:54,781
- That's why I took it.
- It was so far from your eye.
437
00:17:58,102 --> 00:17:59,320
What are we doing here?
438
00:17:59,321 --> 00:18:01,080
Connie never went
to the Drunken Clam.
439
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:03,732
Doesn't matter. Everybody knows
the way you solve a murder
440
00:18:03,733 --> 00:18:05,901
is to ask a barkeep
if he knows anything.
441
00:18:05,902 --> 00:18:07,661
When he says no,
you turn around,
442
00:18:07,662 --> 00:18:10,447
and then he says "wait"
and gives you an important clue.
443
00:18:10,448 --> 00:18:13,283
Hey, Jerome, do you know
anything about Connie's death?
444
00:18:13,284 --> 00:18:15,836
No, man.
I've just been working here.
445
00:18:15,837 --> 00:18:17,412
All right, Brian.
Let's get out of here.
446
00:18:17,413 --> 00:18:19,340
- Peter, wait.
- Yes?
447
00:18:19,341 --> 00:18:22,584
One of the waitresses says
you put her tip down her pants.
448
00:18:22,585 --> 00:18:26,013
Huh. How long were you planning
to sit on that little nugget?
449
00:18:26,014 --> 00:18:27,422
You just did it.
450
00:18:27,423 --> 00:18:28,515
Okay, Jerome.
451
00:18:28,516 --> 00:18:30,425
If you remember anything else,
452
00:18:30,426 --> 00:18:33,279
here's my number.
453
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,197
Oh, and here's a nickel
for the watered-down beer.
454
00:18:37,618 --> 00:18:39,576
Keep the change.
455
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,124
How are we gonna solve
this case, Peter?
456
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:46,292
I've been thinking about that.
457
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:48,819
You're a dog,
and I'm a man. Right?
458
00:18:48,820 --> 00:18:50,278
So we're basically Scooby-Doo.
459
00:18:50,279 --> 00:18:52,322
- So, what are you saying?
- We go around town
460
00:18:52,323 --> 00:18:55,450
and rip off faces
until we find the real killer.
461
00:18:55,451 --> 00:18:56,877
Unless...
462
00:18:56,878 --> 00:18:58,995
(screams)
463
00:18:58,996 --> 00:19:00,714
Which can only mean...
464
00:19:00,715 --> 00:19:02,332
(screams)
465
00:19:02,333 --> 00:19:04,334
Twins? Guess again.
466
00:19:04,335 --> 00:19:06,061
(both scream)
467
00:19:15,805 --> 00:19:18,823
The newspaper
is embarrassing me.
468
00:19:23,571 --> 00:19:25,665
Well, kids, we tried.
469
00:19:25,666 --> 00:19:27,908
I'm afraid
your mother's a murderer.
470
00:19:27,909 --> 00:19:30,026
No, Peter, I'm right here.
471
00:19:30,027 --> 00:19:31,578
Lois, you escaped!
472
00:19:31,579 --> 00:19:33,488
Careful, kids.
She killed before.
473
00:19:33,489 --> 00:19:35,866
- She'll kill again.
- JOE: No, Peter, look wider.
474
00:19:35,867 --> 00:19:37,510
We're all here.
475
00:19:37,511 --> 00:19:39,178
Turns out
Lois didn't kill anyone.
476
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:41,514
Connie D'Amico
faked her own death.
477
00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:43,257
- (all gasp)
- Gasp!
478
00:19:43,258 --> 00:19:46,018
We found Connie an hour ago
at a motel outside of town.
479
00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:48,262
Turns out she put a pig
in a blonde wig
480
00:19:48,263 --> 00:19:49,747
behind the wheel of her car.
481
00:19:49,748 --> 00:19:53,100
I'm sorry, our coroner
has been pretty sloppy lately.
482
00:19:53,101 --> 00:19:55,635
She's been dealing
with some substance abuse.
483
00:19:55,636 --> 00:19:57,938
"She"?
Interesting.
484
00:19:57,939 --> 00:20:00,223
Anyway, Lois has been cleared
of all charges.
485
00:20:00,224 --> 00:20:01,725
And what of the pig?
486
00:20:01,726 --> 00:20:04,160
That was a very tough
house call.
487
00:20:08,232 --> 00:20:10,617
- Yes?
- Excuse me, folks.
488
00:20:10,618 --> 00:20:12,286
Do you have a daughter
named Peppa?
489
00:20:12,287 --> 00:20:13,879
Yes.
490
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,256
You're gonna want to sit down.
491
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:24,465
Well, Lois, I got to say,
492
00:20:24,466 --> 00:20:26,225
it's great to have you home
from prison.
493
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:27,709
Ah, it's great to be home.
494
00:20:27,710 --> 00:20:29,252
Hey, I-I got to ask,
495
00:20:29,253 --> 00:20:31,213
are-are you gonna stay
that jacked forever?
496
00:20:31,214 --> 00:20:32,565
I don't know.
Do you like it?
497
00:20:32,566 --> 00:20:35,309
I-I-I do and I don't, you know?
498
00:20:35,310 --> 00:20:37,928
It-it was... it was nice
being held up against a wall,
499
00:20:37,929 --> 00:20:41,223
but when you made me suck
the hairdryer, I-I...
500
00:20:41,224 --> 00:20:42,633
I enjoyed it, I did,
501
00:20:42,634 --> 00:20:45,560
but I-I don't want to do
that specific thing again.
502
00:20:45,561 --> 00:20:47,729
Well, that's too bad,
'cause I'm ready for round two.
503
00:20:47,730 --> 00:20:50,123
Just got to make sure
the kids don't come in.
504
00:20:53,110 --> 00:20:54,945
- (whimpers)
- Now no one can get in,
505
00:20:54,946 --> 00:20:56,422
and no one can get out.
506
00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:58,073
Hands on the headboard, chief.
507
00:20:58,074 --> 00:20:59,591
Yes, ma'am.
508
00:21:32,700 --> 00:21:34,626
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
35696
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