Original subtitles

LOOK, STEVE, YOU'RE A GOOD PRINTER,

BUT IF YOU MUST EXPRESS WHAT SPRING DOES TO YOU IN TYPE,

PUT THOSE FORGET-ME-NOT BORDERS ON SOME OTHER MAGAZINE.

TRY THE EDITOR OF THE MINING ENGINEERS MONTHLY JOURNAL.

MARTIN, WIRE CHICAGO TO HOLD UP PUBLICATION ONE DAY.

YES? YES, SEND IT IN. I'LL OK IT.

BUT LOOK, A DAY'S DELAY...

MEANS I'LL SHOW THE SUMMER COLLECTION A MONTH AHEAD OF THE OTHER MAGAZINES.

BUT THE-

NOW, THAT'S NO TRICK

FOR A CLEVER EXECUTIVE LIKE YOU, MARTIN.

YOU'LL WORK IT OUT, I'M SURE.

YES, MRS. MERRICK.

YES?

MR. BOOTH IS HERE NOW, MRS. MERRICK.

HAVE HIM COME RIGHT IN.

YOU CAN GO RIGHT IN, MR. BOOTH.

THANK YOU.

HELLO, PHILIP. HELLO, MARGOT.

RIGHT ON TIME, EH? YEP.

DID YOU BRING THOSE COPYRIGHT WAIVERS?

I CERTAINLY DID.

RIGHT HERE IN MY CASE.

TWO COPIES FOR YOU AND TWO FOR THE AUTHOR.

YOU LEAVE THEM HERE. I'LL CHECK THEM OVER TONIGHT.

COME IN.

OH, MARTON.

MRS. MERRICK, ON BEHALF OF THE STAFF, UH, WE WANTED TO...

THIS IS YOUR FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, AND WE...

WELL, THE GUILD GOT YOU A LETTER OPENING SET, AND IT'S GOLD,

IT'S GOT YOUR INITIALS ENGRAVED ON IT, AND HERE IT IS, AND I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

NOW, ISN'T THAT SWEET OF THEM.

MARGOT, AS LONG AS THE SUBJECT'S COME UP OF ITSELF,

DON'T YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO-

PHILIP, AGAIN?

WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE STEPS.

ISN'T THAT NICE? YES, IT IS.

YOU CAN'T GO ON BEING TIED TO A HUSBAND

WHO DOESN'T EVEN CARE ENOUGH TO WANT TO SEE YOU.

OH, BUT HE DOES. I'M SURE HE DOES.

WELL, HE CERTAINLY HAS A FINE WAY OF SHOWING IT.

NEVER SEEING YOU ALL YEAR, WANDERING AROUND FOREIGN COUNTRIES.

PHILIP, DEAR, I'M TRYING TO WORK.

YES, I KNOW, BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT.

MARGOT, HE COULDN'T CARE ANYTHING ABOUT YOU AND STAY AWAY.

I GOT A LETTER FROM HIM THIS MORNING

THAT WILL CONVINCE EVEN YOU HOW TONY FEELS ABOUT ME.

THAT ISN'T THE POINT.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

HOW COULD YOU MARRY A MAN THAT NONE OF US HAVE EVER SEEN?

THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT?

THAT NOBODY EVER HEARD OF?

JUST LIKE THAT, BOOM, AND YOU'RE MRS. TONY MERRICK.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF SOMETIMES.

BUT THERE I WAS ALONE IN RIO IN APRIL.

VERY ROMANTIC.

MADLY ROMANTIC.

IT WAS RAINING.

SPRING RAIN TURNING THE PAVEMENTS BLUE.

I ADORE RAIN.

I DETEST IT. IT GIVES ME HEAD COLDS.

AND FURTHERMORE, IF IT WAS SO ROMANTIC, WHY DID YOU LEAVE HIM?

IT STOPPED RAINING.

MARGOT, DARLING.

I CAN'T LET YOU GO ON LIKE THIS.

IT'S YOUR LIFE I'M THINKING-

PHILIP,

IF YOU PROMISE TO STOP BEING JEALOUS,

AND GO BACK TO YOUR LAW OFFICE AND LET A WEARY WOMAN WORK,

YOU CAN TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER.

TONIGHT?

NO, NOT TONIGHT. I'M BUSY.

LET'S SAY TOMORROW NIGHT.

TOMORROW NIGHT. 8:30?

8:30. GOOD-BYE.

BYE.

YES?

HELLO, MARGOT.

OH, IT'S YOU.

YOU'D BETTER BE VERY APOLOGETIC THIS MORNING,

MY DEAR MR. WINKEL.

OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU'RE IN THE DOGHOUSE WITH ME TODAY, GUSSIE.

I AM? WHY?

THIS LAST LETTER FROM MY WANDERING HUSBAND.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO GO ON WRITING THESE VALENTINES FOR ME,

YOU'D BETTER BE MORE CAREFUL.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

OH, NOTHING. ONLY HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE IN SOUTH AMERICA.

AND IN THE CORNER OF THE ENVELOPE, THERE'S A LITTLE NOTE WHICH READS:

"SCHULTZ' BUTCHER SHOP. WEST 9th STREET.

BRING HOME POT ROAST FOR EMILY."

WELL...

UH, YES, CHECK OVER THOSE PROOFS.

I'LL BE IN AND LOOK AT THEM IN A MINUTE.

COME IN.

OH, HELLO, BETH.

HELLO, MARGOT.

DID YOU GET THE INTERVIEW WITH FITZGERALD?

NO, I'M AFRAID I DIDN'T.

RELAX. DON'T LOOK SO WORRIED.

MIGHT HAPPEN TO ANYBODY.

HELLO, MRS. MERRICK'S OFFICE.

I HEAR THE BRAYING OF THE WOLF.

IT'S HUGHIE WHEELER. WILL YOU TALK TO HIM OR SHALL I...

I'LL TALK TO HIM.

PUT HIM ON, PLEASE.

HELLO, HUGHIE.

WHAT?

HUGHIE, IT'S TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO BE IN A BARROOM.

MARGOT, I'M CELEBRATING.

I WANT YOU TO HEAR THE NEWS BEFORE ANYONE ELSE.

I JUST GOT MY FINAL DECREE,

AND I'M GOING ON A BEAUTIFUL BENDER.

I'M GOING TO STAY ON IT UNTIL THE DAY YOU TELL ME YOU'LL MARRY ME.

I'D TO SEE TONY FIRST,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT ELUSIVE SPOUSE OF MINE IS AT THE MOMENT.

THAT'S VERY SIMPLE.

NOW LISTEN. I'LL CALL A DETECTIVE AGENCY AND THEY'LL CALL YOU.

YOU TELL THEM WHERE TO LOOK, AND THEY'LL FIND HIM,

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE A DIVORCED WOMAN.

OFF WITH THE OLD AND ON WITH THE NEW.

AU REVOIR, MARGOT.

SO FITZGERALD WOULDN'T BE INTERVIEWED, HEY?

HE SPENT HIS TIME TRYING TO INTERVIEW ME.

CIGARETTE? THANK YOU.

AND I MEAN INTERVIEW - I WAS DODGING HIM

FROM THE MINUTE I GOT IN TILL I GOT OUT.

WHY, HE MADE MORE PASSES THAN A HARVARD HALFBACK.

I DON'T KNOW WHY IT IS, BUT THE WOLF PACK SEEMS TO THINK

THAT A WOMAN IN BUSINESS IS FAIR GAME.

THEY DO IF YOU'RE SINGLE.

BUT THE MINUTE THEY SEE THAT "MRS." IN FRONT OF YOUR NAME,

THEIR ATTITUDE'S DIFFERENT.

YOU HAVE TO JOIN THE LODGE.

THEN YOU'LL BE ABLE TO WEAR THE EMBLEM ON THE THIRD FINGER OF THE LEFT HAND.

YES?

MR. AND MRS. RUSSELL

ARE ON THEIR WAY IN, MRS. MERRICK.

THE BOSS. UH-OH.

GOOD MORNING, DARLING.

MORNING, MARGOT. SORRY TO BREAK IN LIKE THIS.

COME RIGHT IN.

I WON'T KEEP YOU FROM WORK A MINUTE.

I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF THE NEW INSTALLMENT OF THE EMERSON NOVEL CAME IN.

JUST GOT THE PROOFS THIS MORNING.

WELL, MRS. RUSSELL WANTS TO READ IT.

SHE'S BEEN FOLLOWING IT IN THE MAGAZINE.

I JUST CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT ISSUE COMES OUT TO READ IT,

SO I TOLD RALPH TO COME IN AND GET ME THE PROOFS.

HERE THEY ARE. GOOD.

IS THIS THE NEW STAFF MEMBER YOU TOLD ME ABOUT?

OH, YES. BETH, THIS IS MR. RUSSELL,

OUR PUBLISHER, AND MRS. RUSSELL.

HOW DO YOU DO?

I'M ALWAYS GLAD TO WELCOME A TALENTED NEW WRITER, MISS HAMPSHIRE.

THANK YOU, MR. RUSSELL.

UH, WE MUST HAVE A CHAT. UH, REAL SOON.

I ALWAYS LIKE TO KNOW WHAT MY WRITERS REALLY WANT TO DO

SO I CAN FIND THE PROPER, UH, NICHE FOR THEM.

WELL, UH, WE MUST BE RUNNING ALONG.

GIVE MY LOVE TO YOUR FATHER AND SISTER.

READY, RALPH? WE MUSTN'T DETAIN MRS. MERRICK FROM HER WORK ANY LONGER.

YES, OF COURSE. WELL, GOOD-BYE, MISS HAMPSHIRE. DON'T FORGET.

NO, I WON'T, MR. RUSSELL.

SO NICE TO HAVE MET YOU, MISS HAMPSHIRE.

DON'T FORGET, DEAR. YOU'RE DINING WITH US ON FRIDAY.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

UH-HUH. COME ALONG, RALPH.

UH, WELL, GOOD-BYE.

RALPH, COME ALONG.

AND THE BOSS, TOO.

I'M AFRAID SO. THEY'RE ALL ALIKE. IT'S MALE EGO.

THEY CAN'T BELIEVE AN UNMARRIED WOMAN HAS ANY REASON FOR BEING IN AN OFFICE

EXCEPT TO MEET MEN AND RAISE GLEAMS IN THEIR EYES.

CHEER UP, BETH. I'LL LET YOU WRITE FASHIONS FOR A WHILE.

YES, YES. VERY WELL, I'LL TELL MRS. MERRICK.

OH, MISS DELL. THANK YOU FOR THE NICE REMEMBRANCE

AND PLEASE TELL EVERYONE HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE THEIR THOUGHTS.

I WILL, MRS. MERRICK.

OH, THEY JUST TELEPHONED THAT MISS MAXWELL'S BOAT

WILL DOCK AT 11:00 TOMORROW MORNING.

PIER 30 AND HER STATEROOM IS 4-C.

THANK YOU.

IF ANYONE WANTS ME, I'LL BE IN MR. WINKEL'S OFFICE.

HOLD STILL, CHILDREN.

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP. LOOK AT THE BIRD.

OH, THAT'S FINE.

HOLD STILL. THANK YOU.

NOW...

OH, MARGOT.

WELL, WE'LL TAKE THE OTHER PICTURES A LITTLE LATER.

YOU GO TO THE DRESSING ROOM AND CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES.

YOU KNOW THE WAY, DON'T YOU?

OVER THERE. THANK YOU.

WELL, I, AHEM.

OH, I'M SORRY.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, GUSSIE? YOU LOOK WORRIED.

EMILY AND THE CHILDREN ARE ALL RIGHT, AREN'T THEY?

OH, YES, YES. THEY'RE FINE.

ONLY I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

OH, DON'T BE A PESSIMIST; I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

HELLO? UH, EXCUSE ME.

HELLO? YES, THIS IS MRS. MERRICK.

DETECTIVE AGENCY?

UH, OH, YES. HUGHIE WHEELER TOLD ME HE'S GOING TO HAVE YOU CALL.

YES, I CAN GIVE YOU A DESCRIPTION OF HIM.

HE'S, UH, RATHER SLENDER.

MEDIUM HEIGHT.

UH, NARROW, SENSITIVE FACE.

UH, HOBBY PHOTOGRAPHY.

RATHER FOREIGN LOOKING.

UH, HE ALWAYS WEARS LITTLE BLACK NOSE GLASSES.

UH, YES, AND WHEN HE'S WORRIED, HE, UM,

TWIDDLES HIS MOUSTACHE.

YES, THANK YOU.

LET ME KNOW IF YOU LOCATE HIM.

I THINK IF I PUT THIS...

WHY, MARGOT,

THAT'S ME!

YOU DESCRIBED ME!

I CERTAINLY DID. I HAD TO DESCRIBE SOMEBODY, DIDN'T I?

WHY, WHAT THE...

NEVER MIND. IT WAS ONLY A PROP.

I GUESS I WORRY FOR NOTHING.

BUT I'M NOT GOOD AS A LIAR.

EVEN MY CHILDREN WOULD NEVER BELIEVE ME WHEN I DRESSED UP AS SANTA CLAUS.

WELL, YOU JUST HAVEN'T GOT THE BUILD FOR SANTA CLAUS.

WHY NOT?

ALL I'VE ASKED YOU TO DO IS WRITE FEW LETTERS.

OH, YES, I KNOW.

BUT NOW COMES LAWYERS AND DETECTIVE AGENCIES

AND MAYBE ALL KINDS OF TROUBLE.

OH, IT'S NO CRIME TO INVENT AN IMAGINARY HUSBAND, GUSSIE.

BUT IF SOMEBODY SHOULD FIND OUT,

IT WOULD BE VERY BAD FOR YOU, MARGOT.

LOOK, HOW LONG HAS ANY UNMARRIED WOMAN LASTED AS EDITOR OF THIS MAGAZINE?

I KNOW, I KNOW. BUT JUST THE SAME...

THE SAME NOTHING.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT CABLE YOU SENT ME IN RIO LAST APRIL

TELLING ME I'VE BEEN APPOINTED EDITOR?

YOU SAID, "REGRETS" AT THE END OF THAT CABLE IF YOU'D REMEMBER

BECAUSE YOU KNEW NO ONE HAD LASTED MORE THAN A FEW MONTHS.

YES, BUT I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD COME BACK WITH THIS STORY.

IF I HADN'T, HOW LONG DO YOU THINK THE BOSS' WIFE WOULD HAVE TAKEN TO GET ME OUT?

INSTEAD OF THAT, SHE'S MY PAL.

SHE KNOWS RALPH WILL STAY AWAY BECAUSE I HAVE A HUSBAND.

I LIKE THIS JOB, GUSSIE.

AND THAT "MRS." IN FRONT OF MY NAME IS JOB INSURANCE.

AND YOUR FAMILY, IF THEY SHOULD FIND OUT-

YOUR FATHER, YOUR SISTER.

YOU FATHER, HE'S SO OLD-FASHIONED ABOUT THESE THINGS.

VERY WELL. I SUPPOSED YOU'D LIKE IT BETTER IF I HAD DONE NOTHING

AND LET A PUBLISHER'S JEALOUS WIFE HAVE ME FIRED.

BUT-BUT NO, MARGOT.

YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, GUSSIE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO HELP ME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

BUT I DO.

LOOK HERE.

I'VE FIXED ANOTHER LETTER FOR YOU.

AW.

I'M ALWAYS WILLING TO HELP YOU.

BUT I'M A LITTLE WORRIED.

WHY, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL, GUSSIE.

"AND NOW IN SPRING, WITH THE SUNLIGHT A SPRAY OF GOLDEN COINS AND CHAMPAGNE."

YOU WROTE THIS?

UM, YES.

IT'S LIKE POETRY.

MEANT FOR MY DEAREST I HAD MANY YEARS AGO

BEFORE I WAS MARRIED.

I WANTED TO WRITE THEM TO EMILY.

WE WERE ENGAGED 7 YEARS, YOU KNOW.

BUT I NEVER WROTE THEM.

WHY NOT?

WELL...

SHE LIVED IN THE SAME BUILDING, DOWNSTAIRS.

OH, HO HO HO, GUS.

YOU KILL ME.

WHAT?

OH, JUST...

OH, MR. WINKLE.

HELLO. YOU ARE FINE. HOW AM I?

YOU'RE JUST THE MAN I WANT TO SEE.

I'M IN A BIG HURRY.

WELL, THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE.

I JUST WANT $10 FROM YOU FOR THE OFFICE COLLECTION.

$10? WHAT DO YOU THINK, MARTON? $10 GROWS ON TREES?

WELL, WHAT IS THE COLLECTION FOR?

OH, YOU KNOW. THE PRESENT FOR MRS. MERRICK.

PRESENT?

OH, SURE. FOR HER WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

GOOD IDEA, DON'T YOU THINK?

WHY, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

SHE IS NOT...

OH, YOU MEAN HER WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. YES, OF COURSE.

WILL YOU HOLD THAT A MINUTE?

LET'S GIVE YOU THE...

WHAT? OHH!

SURE, I GUESS YOU JUST DON'T REALIZE

HOW MUCH A THING LIKE THAT MEANS TO A WOMAN.

OH, I REALIZE HOW MUCH THAT MEANS-

$10.

UH, HERE.

WHY, PUT SOME WATER IN THE THING AND...

UH, DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND MISS MAXWELL'S CABIN, 4-C?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, WELL, WHERE'S "C" DECK?

AROUND THERE AND DOWN, KIND OF.

OH.

IF IT'S ALL THE SAME WITH YOU, I'LL STAY HERE FOR A WHILE.

I'VE GOT TO ARRANGE-

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO DO.

YOU'RE COMING UP NOW AND SIGN YOUR CARD.

LISTEN, ARE THERE 20 PASSENGERS IN LINE UP THERE NOW? YES.

AND WILL EACH ONE OF THEM TAKE 10 MINUTES? YES.

SO COULDN'T I WAIT DOWN HERE JUST AS WELL AS AT THE END OF THE LINE UPSTAIRS? YES.

OH, YEAH?

AW, LISTEN, PAL.

SUPPOSE YOU HAD HOBOED AROUND FOR YEARS WORKING ON NEWSPAPERS,

WASHING DISHES, SHUCKING OYSTERS, TRYING TO PAINT, AND YOU WERE BROKE.

AND FINALLY, YOU GET MR. BIG TO LOOK AT YOUR STUFF. I'D LET YOU STAY.

YES, BUT WHO WOULD WANT TO LOOK AT THIS JUNK ANYWAY?

OH, NOBODY.

JUST THE HEAD OF FLANDRIN GALLERIES.

OH, AN ART EXPERT, HUH?

NO. NO, A LOCOMOTIVE REPAIR MAN I ASKED DOWN TO LOOK AT MY WATCH.

THE MAIN SPRING'S BROKEN.

YOU DON'T SAY.

NOW, LISTEN, ADMIRAL. YOU LET ME STAY FOR HALF AN HOUR

AND I'LL PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR YOU.

I'VE GOT ORDERS TO BRING YOU UP NOW.

ALL RIGHT, MICHELANGELO.

OHH!

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

OH, I'M ALL RIGHT.

LORNA, IT'S MARGO.

WELCOME HOME.

THAT'S FUNNY.

WELL.

LORNA, BABY.

THEY'RE GOOD.

OH.

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

OPEN THE WINDOW, PLEASE. I NEED MORE LIGHT.

I THINK IT'S VERY NICE IN THIS LIGHT.

PLEASE!

YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME.

FLANDRIN PREFERS NO CONVERSATION WHEN HE'S JUDGES WORK.

DOES IT IMPAIR YOUR CRITICAL FACULTIES IF I BREATHE?

MAGNIFICENT BRUSHWORK.

MAGNIFICENT.

PLEASE! YOU'RE CASTING A SHADOW.

PRACTICALLY EVERYBODY DOES.

SILENCE PLEASE!

OR GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THE WORK.

IF YOU THINK FOR ONE SECOND THAT A PAINTER

WHO'S A VERY PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE,

A COLLEGE SCHOOLMATE, IN FACT, IS GOING TO COME BACK

WITH THIS EXQUISITE WORK AND HAVE A DEALER LIKE YOU GOBBLE IT UP,

YOU'RE MISTAKEN.

I HONOR THE PAINTER WHOSE WORK I HANDLE.

FOR 20%.

I KNOW YOU DEALERS.

THIS WORK IS NOT FOR SALE. I'LL HANDLE IT.

I HAVE ALL THE CONTACTS NECESSARY, AND I WON'T NEED 20%.

MADAME, I HAVE NO TIME TO TRIFLE WITH YOU.

YOU BET YOU HAVEN'T. I KNOW YOUR KIND.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOW YOU GET OUT OF HERE.

HOW DARE-TELL ME TO GET OUT?

SHOO! SHOO? TO ME?

SHOO!

PLEASE.

MR. FLANDRIN.

MR. FLANDRIN, I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT AN HONOR THIS IS.

I'VE GOT THE WORK RIGHT DOWN IN MY CABIN.

I'VE SEEN THE WORK.

AND YOU'LL HANDLE IT?

IT'S BEING HANDLED ALREADY

BY THE LADY FRIEND IN YOUR CABIN. SHOO! GO AWAY! GET OUT!

TO ME! ALL RIGHT, LET HER HANDLE IT THEN. GOOD DAY.

OH, BUT LISTEN. MR. FLANDRIN...

OH, NO. REALLY?

YES, MA'AM.

THIS IS TOO FUNNY.

YOU SAY SHE GOT OFF THE BOAT AT HAVANA?

YES, MA'AM.

AND, UH, WHOSE CABIN?..

MR. THOMPSON, MA'AM. MR. THOMPSON.

OH.

OH.

HOW DO YOU DO?

ARE YOU MR. THOMPSON?

I AM.

THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE WORLD HAPPENED.

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THESE WERE YOUR PAINTINGS.

OH, YOU DID, HUH?

YES. I-I SHOOED SOME ART DEALER OUT OF HERE,

AND THEN THE STEWARD TOLD ME THAT MISS MAX-

UH, THAT SHE'D LEFT THE BOAT,

AND THEN I KNEW THEY WEREN'T HERS.

YOU DEDUCED THAT ALL BY YOURSELF, HUH?

YES.

DID YOU ALSO DEDUCE THE FACT THAT IT'S TAKEN ME TWO YEARS

TO GET HIM TO LOOK AT MY WORK?

I'M SORRY. I KNOW I SHOULDN'T LAUGH, BUT IT WAS AMUSING.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIS FACE.

I SAW IT.

OH. WELL, THEN YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I'M FRIGHTFULLY SORRY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

GOOD-BYE NOW.

DO YOU LIKE RIDING ON THE BUS?

NO, NOT PARTICULARLY.

WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO RIDE ON IT, SEE.

RIGHT UP TO MADISON AND 40th STREET.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO GET OUT THERE, SEE?

YOU'RE GOING TO WALK RIGHT UP SOME MARBLE STEPS

INTO AN ART GALLERY.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO START TALKING FAST.

I'M ONLY HERE BECAUSE MR. THOMPSON SEEMED TO FEEL

THAT I WAS UNETHICAL TO A COMPETITOR.

HE INSISTED OUT OF SOME MISTAKEN LOYALTY TO YOU THAT I COME HERE AND EXPLAIN.

YES, I FELT THAT I-

UH, I REPRESENT ALLISON GALLERIES IN BOSTON.

NOW, UH, WE WANT HIS WORK AND YOU DON'T,

SO AFTER ALL, WHAT HARM WAS THERE IN MY GETTING RID OF MR. FLANDRIN

WITH A HARMLESS LITTLE FIB?

WE'VE HANDLED HIS UNCLE GEORGE'S WORK FOR YEARS,

SO IT'S SORT OF ALL IN THE FAMILY.

GEORGE IS THE ONE WITH THE TWINS.

OH, HOW ARE THE TWINS?

TWINS-

OH, SURE. OH, YEAH, THE TWINS ARE ALL RIGHT.

WELL. NICE LITTLE PLACE YOU HAVE HERE.

"NICE LITTLE PLACE"?

MADAME, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW MY RESOURCES ARE UNLIMITED. UNLIMITED.

WE ARE GIVING MR. THOMPSON A $2,000 ADVANCE.

$2,000?

$2,200.

MR. THOMPSON, WE WILL GIVE YOU A $3,000 ADVANCE.

CHICKEN FEED.

$3,500. SATISFIED?

I-

MY FIRM HAS AUTHORIZED ME TO GO TO $4,000.

$5,000 AND AN EXHIBIT ALL TO YOURSELF.

WE'LL MEET THAT.

AND WE'LL HANDLE HIS WORK FOR ONLY 15%.

10%!

I'LL TAKE IT!

WHERE SHALL I SEND THE CONTRACTS?

WELL, UH, AHEM. I'LL BE AT THE SHERRY PLAZA UNTIL TOMORROW.

ONLY 10%, MR. FLANDRIN?

NOW YOU'RE BEING UNETHICAL.

YOUNG WOMAN, I CAN BE JUST AS UNETHICAL AS YOU CAN.

YES, SIR. YOU CERTAINLY PUT THAT OVER.

YOU KNOW, TO LOOK AT YOUR FACE NOBODY WOULD EVER THINK

YOU WERE SUCH A GOOD LIAR.

HEY!

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS IS NO PLACE TO CELEBRATE.

LET'S GO SOMEWHERE FLOSSY, LIKE PIERRE'S.

I WANT TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION.

MR. THOMPSON, I'M A WORKING WOMAN.

I'VE GOT JUST 10 MINUTES LEFT FOR LUNCH.

WELL, I, UH, DO WANT TO SAY THANK YOU

FOR FIXING THINGS UP FOR ME.

YOU WERE PRETTY SWELL ABOUT IT.

OH, I WAS GLAD TO DO IT,

SEEING I HAD NO ALTERNATIVE.

WHAT WILL YOU HAVE, FOLKS?

CHOCOLATE MALTED MILK.

MAKE IT TWO.

YOU KNOW, I HAD YOU FIGURED ALL WRONG.

I TOOK YOU FOR ONE OF THOSE SOCIETY PLAYGIRLS WITH NOTHING TO DO.

I DON'T LIKE THEM.

NO. I THINK EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE A CAREER.

I DON'T.

WELL, UH, JUST HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR WOMEN, MR. THOMPSON?

UNSOPHISTICATED.

AND BELIEVE ME, THEY'RE HARD TO FIND.

WHERE DO YOU LOOK?

WELL, NOT IN NEW YORK.

BEEN LOOKING LONG?

OH, NO. JUST OFF AND ON.

I TAKE IT YOU DON'T LIKE NEW YORK.

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

NO THANK YOU.

I LIKE THE MIDDLE WEST BETTER.

I LIKE THE WAY THEY DO THINGS OUT THERE.

YOU TAKE A MALT, FOR EXAMPLE.

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE MALTS HERE.

WELL, YOU SEEM TO HAVE MADE QUITE A STUDY OF THEM.

WELL, I OUGHT TO KNOW ABOUT THEM.

MY FAMILY USED TO OWN THE CORNER PHARMACY BACK HOME IN WAPAKONETA.

WHERE?

WAPAKONETA.

IT'S IN OHIO.

BELIEVE ME, I'M HEADING HOME THE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

ONE DAY IN THIS TOWN'S ENOUGH FOR ME.

ONE DAY HERE AND THEN BACK TO WAH-WAPPA- WAPAKONETA?

HEY, LISTEN. IT'S BETTER KNOWN THAN YOU'D THINK.

WHY, MY FATHER USED TO PUT UP A THROAT MIXTURE THAT WAS COPIED ALL OVER THE WORLD.

THOMPSON'S MENTHOL ELIXIR.

THE ONLY THING KNOWN TO HELP PEOPLE QUIT SMOKING.

I WISH YOU'D SEND SOME TO MY FATHER.

I'LL DO IT AS SOON AS I GET BACK.

WHAT'S THE ADDRESS?

OH, UH, JUST MARK IT SHERWOOD RESIDENCE, PORT CHESTER.

BELIEVE ME, IT'LL WORK, TOO.

MY OLD MAN SPENT YEARS PERFECTING THAT.

HE'S A GREAT GUY.

HERE I'LL SHOW YOU.

THERE HE IS.

MM-HMM.

THAT'S MY MOTHER ON THIS SIDE.

AND WHO'S THAT?

OH, THAT'S AVAILABLE.

BELIEVE ME, SHE'LL HAVE TO BE QUITE A PERSON

TO MEASURE UP TO THOSE TWO PEOPLE ON EACH SIDE OF HER.

THEY DON'T MAKE THEM LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO BE SATISFIED WITH HER, TOO, OF COURSE.

YEP.

AND THAT WON'T BE EASY, WILL IT?

NO.

AND WHEN YOU FIND HER SHE GOES RIGHT IN THERE.

YEP.

WON'T THAT BE COZY FOR HER?

LOOK ME UP WHEN YOU FIND HER IF YOU'RE IN NEW YORK.

SHE OUGHT TO BE WORTH SEEING.

HA HA HA. I'LL DO THAT.

YOU MUST DROP IN AND SEE US SOMETIME, TOO.

THAT IS WHEN WE HAVE THE FURNITURE ALL IN AND THE HOUSE TIDIED UP A BIT.

IT MIGHT BE FUN.

WE CAN HAVE A TAFFY PULL AND POP SOME CORN,

AND THEN AFTERWARDS, WE CAN ALL PLAY POST OFFICE.

GOOD-BYE, MR. THOMPSON.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

OH, SIS, MAY I COME IN?

YES, DARLING.

MARGOT, TELL ME HOW I LOOK?

YOU LOOK SIMPLY LOVELY.

OOH.

DOES IT MAKE ME LOOK OLDER, SORT OF?

YOU KNOW, YOU COULDN'T TELL I'M STILL IN THE GAWKY AGE?

NONSENSE. GET ME THE SHOEHORN AND STOP SAYING ABSURD THINGS.

OH, BUT I AM STILL IN IT.

I'M GOING TO CRYSTAL LaCRAIL'S TONIGHT,

AND YOU KNOW HOW SORT OF SLINKY AND SOPHISTICATED SHE IS.

SO IF I...

OH, I-I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T GOING OUT TONIGHT.

OF COURSE I AM.

WHO WITH? HUGHIE WHEELER?

NO. PHILIP. THE OLD FAITHFUL.

BUT HE'S GONE TO CONNECTICUT FOR THE WEEKEND.

HE HAS TO DROP A NEW WILL FOR THAT MR. FIELDS

WHO'S ALWAYS CHANGING HIS MIND.

WELL...

GOSH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

HE PHONED RIGHT AFTER DINNER.

ARE YOU SURE?

WELL, I OUGHT TO BE. I TALKED TO HIM MYSELF.

AND BESIDES, I TOLD DAD AND BURTON TO...

OH, SIS. YOU'RE NOT ANGRY ABOUT NOT GOING OUT TONIGHT, ARE YOU?

NO, BABY.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M GLAD.

I'VE BEEN PROMISING MYSELF FOR 11 SOLID WEEKS

TO STAY HOME AND GO TO BED EARLY FOR A CHANGE.

YES?

IT'S DAD. I'VE A MESSAGE FOR YOU, MARGOT.

PHILIP CALLED TO SAY...

HE'D GONE TO CONNECTICUT. I HEARD.

I'VE GOT TO GO. GOOD NIGHT, MARGOT.

GOOD-BYE.

BYE, DAD.

BYE, DEAR.

I WON'T BE OUT LATE.

WELL, I'LL BE GOING ALONG MYSELF, MY DEAR.

THEY'RE WAITING FOR ME AT THE CLUB.

DAD. YEAH?

YOUR TIE.

MISS MARGOT.

I WISH TO TELL YOU THAT MR. BOOTH PHONED...

TO SAY HE'D GONE TO CONNECTICUT, I KNOW.

DID YOU AND PHILIP QUARREL?

NOBODY EVER QUARRELS WITH PHILIP.

YES, HE'S A FINE FELLOW. VERY DEPENDABLE.

VERY WELL, I'LL BE SEEING YOU A LITTLE LATER ON THEN, MY DEAR.

Shall I ask her?

YES. GO RIGHT AHEAD.

WILL YOU BE NEEDING ME FOR ANYTHING MORE, MISS?

NO, BURTON. THANK YOU.

IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, THEN, IT'S COOK'S BIRTHDAY, AND I PROMISED HER-

YOU PROMISED HER THAT YOU WOULD TAKE HER OUT.

YES, MISS.

GO AHEAD, BURTON.

I'M GOING TO SPEND A QUIET, RESTFUL EVENING AT HOME FOR A CHANGE.

I'LL THINK YOU'LL ENJOY IT, MISS MARGOT.

GOOD NIGHT, MISS.

GOOD NIGHT, BURTON.

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE GLEE CLUB

WILL SING THE ALMA MATER OF OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY.

� OH, COME LET'S SING OHIO'S PRAISE �

� AND SONGS TO ALMA MATER RAISE �

� WHILE OUR HEARTS REBOUNDING THRILL... �

OPERATOR, WILL YOU GET ME THE SHERRY PLAZA, PLEASE, IN THE CITY.

COME IN.

OH.

SORRY I TOOK SO LONG WITH THE TRUNK, SIR.

IT WAS STILL AT THE SHIP.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

OH, HEY. DON'T BOTHER UNPACKING THAT.

I'M LEAVING THE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

GOT YOUR TICKETS AND EVERYTHING, SIR?

I TAKE CARE OF ALL THAT HERE.

YOU DO? YES.

GOOD. GET ME LOWER BERTH ON THE MORNING TRAIN

FOR WAPAKONETA, OHIO.

YES, SIR.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME, SIR?

NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.

WAPAKONETA, OHIO.

THERE YOU ARE.

THANK YOU.

WAPAKONETA. OH!

YES, WAPAKONETA.

� IT'S ROUND ON THE ENDS AND HIGH IN THE MIDDLE �

� IT'S OHIO �

� OHIO �

HELLO?

WELL, HELLO.

I DIDN'T EXPECT TO HEAR FROM YOU.

DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?

I JUST CAME IN AND THERE WAS A MESSAGE TO CALL

A MR. RAHMLAND- THOMAS-TONNER-

I COULDN'T MAKE OUT THE BUTLER'S HANDWRITING.

AND THE ONLY PERSON I KNEW WHOSE NAME IT MIGHT BE WAS THOMPSON.

HA HA. NO, IT WASN'T ME.

I'M SORRY.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. I'LL BE LEAVING THE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

MM-HMM.

WELL, I'LL BE SEEING YOU. GOOD-BYE.

HEY, OPERATOR. LISTEN, I JUST HAD A SUBURBAN CALL, PORT CHESTER.

YEAH. WILL YOU SEE IF YOU CAN GET THE PARTY BACK FOR ME?

HELLO?

OH. I DIDN'T EXPECT TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN.

OH, YOU JUST CAUGHT ME AS I WAS GOING OUT THE DOOR.

OH, I'M AFRAID NOT. I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

SURE YOU CAN.

OH, LISTEN, YOU OUGHT TO LET ME SHOW A LITTLE APPRECIATION

FOR WHAT YOU DID THIS AFTERNOON.

AW, COME ON. IS THAT THE WAY YOU SHOW YOUR GRATITUDE TO A MAN

WHO'S TRYING TO SHOW HIS GRATITUDE?

AH, THAT'S BETTER.

SURE. WE CAN GO TO A SHOW AND THEN TAKE IN THE TOWN AFTERWARDS.

UH-HUH.

LISTEN, HOW DO I GET OUT THERE?

OH, DON'T BOTHER TO COME WAY OUT HERE.

I'LL TAKE A TRAIN AND MEET YOU AT GRAND CENTRAL

IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

OK. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.

OH, IT'S MARGOT...

MARGOT SHERWOOD.

OK.

COME ON, FOLKS, COME UP. RIGHT UP HERE. JUST STAND-

EXCUSE ME-OH! I'M SORRY.

NOW JUST A SECOND. HEADS RIGHT ON TOP.

I WON'T BE A SECOND. I- EXCUSE ME.

I DON'T CARE. I STILL THINK THIS IS AN ODD PLACE TO COME AFTER THE THEATER.

WELL, IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN NIGHTCLUBS.

I DON'T LIKE NIGHTCLUBS.

YOU'RE PRETTY POSITIVE ABOUT WHAT YOU LIKE AND DON'T LIKE, AREN'T YOU?

YEAH.

YOU EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND?

NO. WELL, ALMOST NEVER NO.

HEY, YOU GOT YOUR HEADS ON THE WRONG PEOPLE.

HUH? OHH!

MIGHTY FINE PAINTING HERE, MR. THOMPSON.

YEAH, NOT BAD.

TELL ME. DO YOU EVER PAINT ANYTHING BESIDES SCENERY?

SURE. OHIO FARMHOUSES. CATTLE. I PAINT A LOT OF WESTERN STUFF, TOO.

NO, NO. I MEAN PORTRAITS.

PORTRAITS? NO. I LEAVE THAT TO THE BOYS

WHO LIKE TO WEAR SMOCKS AND BERETS.

DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT PEOPLE WOULD RATHER HAVE

A PORTRAIT OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THEIR LIVING ROOM

THAN SOMETHING CALLED DAWN ON RAT NOSE GULCH?

HA HA HA. NO. I'LL STICK TO THE OUTDOOR STUFF.

WHY?

BECAUSE WHEN I PAINT AN OHIO COW,

I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS TO LIKE IT.

AND IF I PAINTED A SOCIETY COW, THEN SHE'D HAVE TO LIKE IT.

READY, FOLKS.

TURN YOUR HEADS.

NOW SMILE.

HOLD IT.

THAT'S NICE.

� IT'S WIDE ON THE ENDS AND HIGH IN THE MIDDLE �

� THINK, THINK, THINK, THINK, WHAT'S THE RIDDLE? �

� IT'S WIDE ON THE ENDS AND-� HI, YA, BARNEY.

HELLO, SIR.

HEY, HEY, HEY. YOU CAN LET THAT GO.

BUT I JUST GOT EVERYTHING ALL PACKED.

OK, YOU CAN UNPACK.

THEN YOU AIN'T GOING TO WAPAKONETA?

NOT TODAY I AIN'T, BARNEY,

AND CHANGE MY TICKETS TO TOMORROW MORNING, WILL YOU?

YES, SIR.

AND CHEER UP, BARNEY.

THE WORLD'S A WONDERFUL PLACE.

THANK YOU, SIR.

� IT'S ROUND ON THE ENDS AND HIGH IN THE MIDDLE �

� IT'S OHIO �

I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT THE RHUMBA.

WHY, I WAS JUST GOING TO ASK YOU IF YOU'D LEARNED IT IN HAVANA.

YOU'RE GOOD.

OH, YOU THINK SO?

WELL, I DID PICK UP A STEP OR TWO DOWN THERE

WHEN I WASN'T WORKING AS A DISHWASHER.

WELL, HA HA HA.

YOU'VE LED AN AWFULLY INTERESTING LIFE, HAVEN'T YOU?

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY I COULD HAVE CHEERFULLY WRUNG YOUR NECK.

NOW LOOK AT ME.

HAVE I REALLY CHANGED YOUR MIND ABOUT NEW YORK?

NOT EXACTLY ABOUT NEW YORK.

BUT YOU WERE SO POSITIVE ONLY TWO DAYS AGO.

EVER SEEN OHIO?

ONLY FROM A TRAIN WINDOW.

OH, BOY, IT'S GREAT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR.

YOU'D BE CRAZY ABOUT IT.

TELL ME.

WELL, IT'S FULL OF CLOVER FIELDS, LITTLE FARMS, AND HILLS.

YOU CAN RENT A HOUSEBOAT ON THE OHIO RIVER FOR $8 A MONTH.

JUST FLOAT ALONG WITH NOTHING TO DO.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU?

OH, THAT SORT OF THING'S NO FUN ALONE.

OR YOU GO ALONG THINKING MAYBE SOMEDAY YOU'LL MEET A GIRL.

A GIRL WHO SEES THINGS THE SAME WAY YOU DO.

AND YOU NEVER HAVE?

MARGOT.

YES, JEFF.

TELL ME SOMETHING.

DO YOU LIKE HOUSEBOATS?

MARGOT!

HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU.

YOU'RE THE MOST ELUSIVE PERSON.

YOU'RE-YOU'RE AS ELUSIVE AS YOUR HUSBAND.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIND THAT HUSBAND OF YOURS.

BUT DON'T WORRY. I GOT THE DRAGNET OUT.

ARE YOU MARRIED?

IS SHE MARRIED. HO HO, OH, BROTHER.

YOU'RE OUT WITH A VERY IMPULSIVE WOMAN.

IS THIS A PRIVATE FIGHT OR CAN ANYBODY GET IN?

AND YOU LET ME SAY ALL THAT.

WELL, I-

IT'S ALL RIGHT. DON'T ANYBODY APOLOGIZE.

I UNDERSTAND.

THREE'S A COMPANY, AND TWO'S A CROWD, AND ONE IS TOO MANY.

HA HA HA.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

I WAS GOING TO.

I WAS JUST WAITING FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT.

YOU...

YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE RIGHT MOMENT TO TELL A THING LIKE THAT.

YEAH. I COULD SEE IT'D BE A LOT MORE FUN

TO TELL A GUY AFTER HE PROPOSES.

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOURSELF. HEY, WAITER.

WAIT. YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

OH, WAIT. WE CAN'T GO YET. I WANT TO...

I'M HUNGRY.

I'M REALLY QUITE HUNGRY.

YES, SIR?

BRING THE LADY WHAT SHE WANTS AND THEN BRING ME THE CHECK.

WHAT DO YOU WISH, MADAME?

I'LL HAVE A CHICKEN SANDWICH ON TOAST WITHOUT THE BREAD.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

UH, JUST MAKE IT A RYE SANDWICH ON WHITE BREAD WITHOUT THE CHICKEN.

WITHOUT THE- NEVER MIND.

JUST BRING IT.

WE'RE IN A HURRY TO GET OUT OF HERE.

YES, SIR.

IT WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS. OVER IN A MONTH.

I WAS NEVER IN LOVE WITH HIM.

WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM THEN?

WELL, UH...

I WAS ALONE IN RIO.

WE MET IN A DOORWAY IN THE-WELL, ANYWAY.

UH, WE HAD DINNER, AND THEN WE DROVE TO A LITTLE VILLAGE, LAS PALMAS.

THE VILLAGE PRIEST MARRIED US.

THE MINUTE I REALIZED THE MISTAKE I'D MADE, I LEFT HIM.

IT WAS OVER IN A WEEK.

AND, UH...

HERE WE ARE.

YEAH, HERE WE ARE.

WAIT A MINUTE NOW. WAIT A MINUTE.

LET ME GET THIS THING STRAIGHT.

AMERICAN GIRL ALONE IN A FOREIGN CITY.

LONESOME.

SHE MEETS ANOTHER AMERICAN.

SO HAPPY TO SEE SOMEBODY FROM HOME,

SHE MISTAKES HER FEELINGS.

YEAH, IT COULD BE.

HE TAKES HER OUT.

CANDLELIGHT.

GIVES HER A LINE, HOLDS HER HAND.

ATMOSPHERE OF RIO BEGINS TO WORK ON HER.

ROMANTIC.

HE SAYS, "I LOVE YOU."

SHE FALLS FOR IT.

WELL, WHY NOT, IT'S...

NOT THE MAN, IT'S THE SURROUNDINGS.

CAN SHE HELP IT? NO.

DRIVE DOWN TO LAS PALMAS AND GET MARRIED.

RIGHT AWAY SHE REALIZES SHE'S MADE A MISTAKE.

"IT'S ALL OVER," SHE SAYS.

HE SAYS, "OH, NO, IT ISN'T,"

AND SHE WALKS OUT AND LEAVES HIM FLAT.

SURE. IT'S JUST LONESOMENESS, THAT'S ALL.

LOVE...

DIDN'T MEAN A THING.

AND YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM?

OF COURSE NOT.

WELL, GEE, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ALL THAT?

I WAS GOING TO.

WELL, ALL WE HAVE TO DO NOW IS GET YOU A DIVORCE.

THAT'S SIMPLE.

UH, IT WOULD BE WITH ANYONE BUT TONY.

HE KEEPS EVADING MY LAWYERS.

AND IF WE DON'T SERVE HIM WITH THE PAPERS,

HE'D ALWAYS HAVE AN EXCUSE TO REOPEN THE CASE.

I'LL BET I CAN FIND HIM IN 10 DAYS.

OH, NO. HE'S, UH, HE'S ABROAD.

HE'S STILL IN SOUTH AMERICA.

I CAN STILL FIND HIM.

LOOK, JOE NEIL, A FRIEND OF MINE, IS A FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT.

A HUMAN BLOODHOUND. HE CAN FIND ANYBODY.

AND HE KNOWS SOUTH AMERICA LIKE A BOOK.

HAVE YOU GOT A PHOTOGRAPH OF THIS MERRICK?

UH, NO. NO, I LEFT EVERYTHING DOWN THERE.

I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO REMIND ME OF HIM.

GIVE ME A DESCRIPTION OF HIM.

I'LL CABLE JOE TONIGHT.

I DOUBT IF YOUR FRIEND COULD FIND HIM.

YOU DON'T KNOW JOE.

YES, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW TONY.

WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?

WELL, HE'S, UM, AHEM. HE'S ABOUT 36.

TALL.

UH...

QUITE, UH, SUAVE IN MANNER.

DARK COMPLEXION.

VERY WHITE TEETH.

UH...

SLIGHTLY BUILT.

ALWAYS SEEN WITH THE BEST PEOPLE.

OH, YES, I REMEMBER.

UH, TONY HAS A SCAR ON HIS RIGHT CHEEK JUST BELOW THE EAR.

BLACK WAVY HAIR PARTED IN THE CENTER TOUCHED WITH GREY.

UH...

OH, YES. HE TWO LITTLE SIDEBURNS.

OH.

TWO LITTLE SIDEBURNS.

YES. TWO.

HMM.

OH, AND TONY HAS A PECULIAR NERVOUS HABIT OF TUGGING AT HIS EARLOBE

WHEN HE'S THINKING OF ANYTHING.

OH, HE HAS, HUH?

YES. TONY ALWAYS DID THAT.

MM-HMM.

SORT OF THE SOPHISTICATED TYPE?

MM-HMM.

BE APT TO FIND HIM IN SWANK PLACES.

PROBABLY SPENDS A LOT OF TIME IN NIGHTCLUBS, HUH?

YES, HE DOES.

MM-HMM.

AND, UH, WHERE DID YOU SEE HIM LAST?

IN RIO.

OH. HOW WAS THAT WHEN YOU LEFT HIM IN LAS PALMAS?

OH, THAT.

WELL, UH, YOU SEE, WE WERE-

YOU SAID YOU MARRIED HIM IN APRIL, HUH?

YES, APRIL.

A MINUTE AGO, YOU SAID MAY.

OH, WELL, WHAT HAPPENED WAS-

AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU DIDN'T MENTION ANY MONTH.

WELL, ANYONE'S LIABLE TO GET MIXED UP

WHEN A PERSON IS ACTING DELIBERATELY STUPID AND SUSPICIOUS.

YOU CAN TAKE ME HOME IF YOU DON'T MIND.

IF YOU MET HIM IN RIO, AND IF YOU HAD DINNER WITH HIM THAT NIGHT,

AND IF YOU DROVE TO LAS PALMAS TO GET MARRIED THAT SAME NIGHT,

YOU MUST HAVE DRIVEN AWFUL FAST.

QUIT TRYING TO GIVE ME THE THIRD DEGREE.

BECAUSE IT'S 900 MILES FROM RIO TO LAS PALMAS. SO IF YOU-

WHAT RIGHT HAVE YOU TO QUESTION ME AS IF I WERE A CRIMINAL OR SOMETHING?

JUST ONE MORE QUESTION, PLEASE.

BACK IN OHIO-

OHIO. HA!

THAT'S WHERE YOU BELONG, BACK IN WAPAKONETA.

HA HA HA. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ONE OF THE SILLIEST MEN I'VE EVER MET.

REALLY. YOU LOOK AWFULLY FUNNY

SITTING THERE PLAYING "INFORMATION, PLEASE" WITH YOURSELF.

OH.

I GUESS ALL OF THIS IS VERY AMUSING, IS THAT IT?

TERRIBLY.

DON'T BOTHER.

I'M QUITE ABLE TO GET HOME BY MYSELF.

WELL, HERE WE ARE. I THINK I HAVE EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT NOW.

ONE CHICKEN ON TOAST WITHOUT THE BREAD

AND ONE RYE SANDWICH ON WHITE BREAD PLAIN WITHOUT THE CHICKEN.

NEVER MIND. WE DON'T WANT THEM.

HERE, KEEP THE CHANGE.

YOU DON'T WANT THEM?

YEAH?

YEAH, SPEAKING.

SURE, SURE. I'LL PAY THE CHARGES.

NO, READ IT TO ME. YOU CAN SEND IT OVER LATER.

"REPLY YOUR INQUIRY. DID NOT MARRY COUPLE NAMED.

"NEVER HEARD OF TONY MERRICK OR MARGOT SHERWOOD.

JOSE MALAGA, PASTOR, SANTA ALMA PARISH, LAS PALMAS, BRAZIL."

OH, JUST A MOMENT.

WE HAVE THE ANSWER TO YOUR OTHER ONE. SHALL I READ IT?

YEAH, YEAH.

"CHECKED CONSULATE.

"NO PASSPORT, VISA EVERY ISSUED NAME OF TONY MERRICK.

MUST BE TWO OTHER GUYS. REGARDS, JOE NEIL."

HMM.

OK, THANKS.

HELLO. GET ME BARNEY THE PORTER.

HELLO?

YEAH, LISTEN, ABOUT THOSE TICKETS,

CANCEL THEM ENTIRELY.

HERE YOU ARE.

TAKE YOUR BAGS IN?

NO, NO. THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL GET THEM.

THANK YOU.

OH, YEAH. IS THIS THE SHERWOOD RESIDENCE?

YES, SIR. WHOM DID YOU WISH TO SEE?

MRS. MERRICK. MRS. TONY MERRICK.

I'M SORRY, SIR. SHE'S NOT AT HOME.

MAY I ASK WHO'S CALLING?

MR. MERRICK.

MR.- MR.-

MR. TONY MERRICK.

TONY MERRICK?

HER HUSBAND?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WON'T YOU COME IN, SIR.

SHE'LL-SHE'LL BE SO...

MR. SHERWOOD, SIR.

I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT THERE'S-

TELL HIM TO CALL ME BACK. I CAN'T COME NOW.

YES, SIR. BUT IT'S NOT THE TELEPHONE.

IT'S A CALLER. MR. MERRICK'S HERE. MR. TONY MERRICK.

YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL THAT I'M NOT TO BE DISTURBED BY...

MERRICK? YOU MEAN MARGOT'S HUSBAND?

YES, SIR.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

THE SCOUNDREL. WELL, I...

HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?

HOW DO YOU DO?

I'VE BEEN WANTING TO MEET YOU, MR. MERRICK.

I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU.

YES, I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE.

YOU CAUSED US ALL A GREAT DEAL OF WORRY, MR. MERRICK.

MY DAUGHTER'S HAPPINESS IS IMPORTANT TO ME,

SO I THINK THAT GIVES ME THE RIGHT TO ASK YOU

IF YOU'VE COME HERE TO CAUSE HER MORE UPSET

OR ARRANGE A DIVORCE?

WELL, I, UH, AHEM.

I GUESS MARGOT DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT US.

TELL ME WHAT?

WELL, WE TALKED THINGS OVER LONG DISTANCE.

WE DECIDED WE WERE KIND OF HASTY IN BREAKING UP

SO WE'RE GOING TO START OVER.

YOU AND MARGOT?

YES, DAD.

EVERYTHING'S PATCHED UP.

WELL, THAT DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

COME RIGHT IN, COME RIGHT IN.

I HARDLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

WELL, I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU IT'S MADE A NEW MAN OUT OF ME.

WELL, THIS IS NEWS.

I'M TICKLED TO DEATH, MERRICK. TICKLED TO DEATH!

OH, BURTON, BRING US SOMETHING TO DRINK, WILL YOU? WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?

I'LL HAVE A STRAIGHT GINGER ALE.

GINGER ALE. ONE GINGER ALE, AND I'LL HAVE A-

UH, YES, SIR. I KNOW.

WELL, WE'VE GOT SOMETHING TO DRINK TO, HEY?

WE CERTAINLY HAVE.

SIT DOWN, SON.

SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

WELL, THANKS, DAD.

DOES MARGOT KNOW YOU'RE HERE YET?

NO, NO. SHE WASN'T EXPECTING ME UNTIL THE END OF THE WEEK.

WELL, SHE CERTAINLY KEPT THE SECRET FROM US, THE LITTLE VIXEN.

WE WON'T SAY A WORD TO HER, EH?

JUST LET HER WALK IN AND FIND YOU, EH?

SHE WILL BE SURPRISED.

YES, SHE CERTAINLY WILL.

DADDY.

OH, VICKY, COME IN, COME IN.

THIS IS MY OTHER DAUGHTER, VICKY.

HELLO, VICKY.

HELLO.

THIS IS MR. MERRICK, DEAR.

OR PERHAPS I SHOULD SAY "TONY"

NOW THAT YOU'VE JOINED THE FAMILY.

AT LAST WE MEET.

AND MARGOT AND TONY HAVE DECIDED TO RE-EMBARK

THEIR LITTLE SHIP ON THE SEA OF MATRIMONY, VICKY.

I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO BE VERY HAPPY.

I'M SO GLAD YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN DIVORCE AND THINGS.

NO, NO. I'M A FIRM BELIEVER IN MONOGAMY.

MONOGAMY. AND EVEN IF MARGOT DID SAY YOU WERE AWFUL AND HAD TO LEAVE YOU,

I BELIEVE IF YOU'RE MARRIED, YOU CAN LEARN TO LOVE SOMEONE AFTERWARDS.

THAT'S RIGHT. I MEAN...

I'D ALWAYS BELIEVED-

UH, VICKY, DEAR.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE DRESSED IN TIME FOR DINNER,

PERHAPS YOU'D BETTER GO AND CHANGE NOW.

ALL RIGHT. BUT I DO WANT TO HAVE A LONG TALK WITH YOU SOON, TONY.

YOU BET WE WILL, SIS.

MAYBE AT DINNER.

OH.

WELL, THERE WON'T BE MUCH OF A CHANCE THEN.

THERE ARE GOING TO BE GUESTS.

GUESTS?

WELL, FUN.

EVENING, BURTON.

EVENING, MRS. MERRICK.

WHEW. AM I TIRED.

IS ANYTHING WRONG?

WRONG? I SHOULD SAY NOT. JUST THE OPPOSITE.

WE HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE FOR YOU, MARGOT...

TO PICK YOU UP.

OH, I'M TIRED, AND I DON'T LIKE SURPRISES.

YOU'LL LIKE THIS ONE.

TONY'S HERE!

TONY? SURPRISE!

SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

OH, HELLO, DARLING.

OH, MY LITTLE WIFE...

DAD! DAD!

OH, HOW ARE YOU...

DAD! DAD, LISTEN.

YES, I KNOW, I KNOW. DON'T TRY TO TALK NOW.

WE'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE. WE UNDERSTAND.

BUT, DAD.

DARLING, IF YOU KNEW...

YOU RAT-BRAINED IDIOT.

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

SURE. YOU INVENTED A HUSBAND, AND I'M GIVING HIM TO YOU.

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, IS IT?

THAT, MY LOVE, IS WHAT I KNOW.

YOU'RE INSANE.

I'M GOING RIGHT IN AND TELL THEM

THAT YOU'RE AN IMPOSTER.

MY HUSBAND IS IN SOUTH AMERICA.

I MET YOU ON THE SHIP, AND YOU'RE ANNOYED BECAUSE I WON'T SEE YOU,

AND YOU'RE TRYING TO UPSET ME.

OK, YOU TELL THEM AND I'LL SHOW THEM.

I'VE GOT PROOF THAT YOU WERE NEVER MARRIED

AND THAT THERE IS NO TONY MERRICK.

I CABLED LAS PALMAS, BRIGHT EYES.

YOU-YOU CABLED.

MM-HMM. I SURE DID.

SO IF YOU WANT TO TELL THEM, GO RIGHT AHEAD.

THEN WE CAN BOTH TALK.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T. MM-MMM.

JEFF, HONESTLY, NOW.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OTHER SUCKERS

HAVE FALLEN FOR THIS LITTLE ACT,

BUT YOU'VE PICKED THE WRONG VICTIM THIS TIME.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL THEM?

TELL THEM IT WAS SPRING.

TELL THEM IT WAS BLOSSOM TIME.

TELL THEM IT WAS RIO.

OR JUST TELL THEM YOU HAD A LAPSE OF MEMORY.

SO MANY WAYS TO HANDLE THIS IF YOU JUST PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.

HAVE YOU EVEN THE FAINTEST NOTION OF THE POSITION I'M IN?

WELL, AFTER SURVEYING THE SITUATION CAREFULLY,

I WOULD SAY THAT YOU ARE DIRECTLY BEHIND THE 8 BALL.

PLEASE DO WHAT I ASK.

NO.

WELL, THERE'S ANOTHER REASON.

I'M IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE. DEEPLY IN LOVE.

REALLY, I AM.

YOU CAN'T BE. IT'S BIGAMY.

I NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT IT, BUT I'VE KNOWN HIM ALL MY LIFE.

PHILIP'S A FINE, SENSITIVE MAN.

I KNOW WHAT THIS WILL DO TO HIS FEELING FOR ME.

PLEASE GO, JEFF.

CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT THIS WILL MAKE HIM THINK?

I'LL GO INTO MY OFFICE AND THINK ABOUT IT.

I'VE DECIDED- YES?

MAY I COME IN? IT'S ONLY DAD.

I KNOW I SHOULDN'T INTRUDE LIKE THIS WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR LITTLE SECRETS TO EXCHANGE.

BUT I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I'D JUST SENT SOME NEWSPAPERMEN AWAY.

NEWSPAPERMEN! YES.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D WANT TO TALK TO THEM NOW.

WELL, NO, WE WOULDN'T. WH-WHAT DO THEY WANT.

NOTHING AT ALL. NOTHING AT ALL!

THEY JUST WANTED TO CONFIRM THIS STORY IN THEIR FIRST EDITION.

"SMART SET CAREER GIRL AND HUSBAND REUNITED." ISN'T THAT CUTE?

RATHER WELL PUT, I THOUGHT.

BUT DIDN'T YOU TELL THEM THAT IT WAS-

I CERTAINLY DID.

IN FACT, I TOLD THEM THAT FOR ONCE THEY HAD THEIR FACTS STRAIGHT.

YES.

WELL, YOU DON'T WANT AN OLD FUSSBUDGET LIKE ME

POKING AROUND HERE WHEN YOU HAVE SO MUCH LOST TIME TO MAKE UP. HEE HEE HEE.

HA! ISN'T IT FUNNY THE WAY THINGS GET AROUND?

YOU DID THIS. YOU CALLED THE PAPERS.

I DID NOT. BUT I KIND OF LIKE THE STORY.

OH, YOU DO, DO YOU?

MM-HMM. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO KILL THAT STORY IF I HAVE TO CALL UP EVERY EDITOR IN...

YOU REMEMBER VICKY.

PEOPLE.

YES. DID YOU FORGET

THAT WE WERE HAVING GUESTS FOR DINNER, DEAR?

COME ON.

MARGOT, DARLING...

BUT THEY DIDN'T FOOL ME. HA HA HA.

I SURMISED A RECONCILIATION IN THE WIND FOR A LONG TIME.

OH, I DID, TOO. I COULD TELL BY HER FACE.

I GUESS THERE WASN'T MUCH USE TRYING TO KEEP IT A SECRET, DARLING.

HE'S SO ATTENTIVE. DON'T YOU THINK HE'S SWEET?

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING SWEET ABOUT HIM.

I'D WISH I'D STAYED IN CONNECTICUT.

OH, VICKY, HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR NEW BROTHER-IN-LAW?

OH, TO ME HE'S NOT NEW.

EVER SINCE MARGOT TOLD US ABOUT HIM, I'VE LIVED EVERY MINUTE THAT'S HAPPENED.

I JUST FEEL I WAS THERE WHEN THEY MET IN THAT DOORWAY IN THE RAIN.

YES.

YES, I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT DOORWAY.

AND THE LITTLE OLD MAN WHO CAME BY SELLING FLOWERS.

OH, MARGOT'S TOLD US ALL ABOUT THAT DAY.

THAT LITTLE OLD MAN.

DO YOU REMEMBER I BOUGHT YOU SOME VIOLETS, DARLING?

GARDENIAS.

OH, YES. GARDENIAS.

AW, WHAT A DAY THAT WAS.

IT'S ALL LIKE A STORYBOOK.

THEY MET AND LIVED AND SUFFERED.

NOW THEY'VE MET AGAIN.

JUST LIKE THE MOVIES.

I SUPPOSE YOU'RE PLANNING A HOME NOW.

OH, SURE. AREN'T WE, DEAR?

OH, UH...

OH, NATURALLY, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IT.

NATURALLY. NOTHING ELABORATE.

JUST HOMEY.

THAT'S RIGHT. JUST HOMEY.

MARGOT'S DOING ALL THE PLANNING.

WOMEN ARE SO MUCH BETTER AT THOSE THINGS, DON'T YOU THINK?

YES, ESPECIALLY THE FURNISHINGS.

SHE HAS SOME OF THE GREATEST IDEAS ABOUT FURNISHINGS.

TELL THE FOLKS YOUR IDEA FOR DOING MY DEN, ANGEL.

WELL, UH, I WANT TO DO IT VERY SIMPLY.

UH, JUST A SHORT FLIGHT OF STEPS AND A GALLOWS.

WELL, THAT'S THE THEME. IT'S GOING TO BE VERY MODERNISTIC.

SHE HAS THE MOST UNCONVENTIONAL IDEAS.

GOOD NIGHT, MARGOT.

GOOD NIGHT.

DON'T FORGET, DARLING.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE LUNCH WITH ME AND TELL ME EXACTLY HOW IT ALL HAPPENED.

GOOD NIGHT.

SUCH A LIVELY WOMAN.

YEAH. SO INTERESTED IN OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES.

AND WITH NONE OF HER OWN TO LIVE.

WELL, MY BEDTIME. NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, DARLING.

TONY.

GOOD NIGHT, SIS.

GOOD NIGHT.

AH.

WELL.

YOU CHILDREN HAVE HAD A LONG DAY.

MM-HMM.

OH, I DON'T FEEL A BIT TIRED.

DO YOU, DEAR?

YEAH, I DO.

YOU DO?

WELL, NOW, I THINK YOU BOTH NEED A LITTLE REST.

YOU'VE BEEN BUSY ENTERTAINING AFTER ALL.

OH, NO, FATHER.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF PUTTING OUT SOME OF YOUR THINGS.

I'LL FINISH UNPACKING IN THE MORNING.

OH, THANK YOU, BURTON.

UH, WOULDN'T YOU AND TONY

LIKE TO SIT UP AND TALK FOR A WHILE? IT'S NOT LATE.

WHY, IT MUST BE PAST 11.

WHY, YES. EARLY TO BED, YOU KNOW, MY DEAR.

BUT TONY, YOU USED TO ALWAYS TAKE A WALK BEFORE BEDTIME.

UH, FRESH AIR, REMEMBER?

YEAH, THAT WAS BEFORE I MET YOU, PRECIOUS.

WELL, HOW ABOUT SOMETHING TO EAT?

OH, IT'S TOO LATE.

WELL, UH, WELL, UH, A DRINK THEN.

BUT HONEY, YOU KNOW I NEVER DRINK AFTER DINNER. IT GIVES ME A SOUR STOMACH.

AW, AREN'T YOU GOING TO CARRY THE BRIDE OVER THE THRESHOLD, TONY?

YOU BET I AM.

BUT I'M NOT A BIT TIRED.

AHH! EEE, HEE, HEE.

DEE, DEE, HERE WE ARE.

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING, CHILDREN.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

PUT ME DOWN.

GLAD TO.

YOU...

YOU!..

YOU, TOO.

WHEW.

WELL...

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

VERY INTERESTING PROCESS KNOWN AS "MAN TAKING OFF SHOES,

PUTTING ON SLIPPERS."

AND THEN WHAT?

TO PUT ON SLIPPERS, MAN MUST FIRST OBTAIN SAME.

OH, YOU MUST, MUST YOU?

WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PUT THEM ON OR ANYTHING ELSE EITHER.

MAKING A FOOL OF ME IN FRONT OF THOSE PEOPLE.

YOU'RE EVEN BEGINNING TO SOUND LIKE A WIFE.

DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT THOSE WOMEN WOULD LOVED A CHANCE

TO MAKE FUN OF ME AND MY FAMILY?

YEP. REALIZED IT THE MOMENT I REALIZED

WHAT A PRIZE SUCKER YOU'D MADE OUT OF ME. OUCH!

THIS COMES UNDER THE HEADING OF TEACHING ME A LESSON, I SUPPOSE.

IT'S WONDERFUL HOW QUICK YOU CATCH ON.

YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A MAN ONCE NAMED FRANKENSTEIN

WHO CREATED A MONSTER,

AND IT CAME TO LIFE AND MADE A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR HIM.

SO, I THOUGHT IF YOU WANTED TO PLAY FRANKENSTEIN,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A MONSTER.

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A NICE MONSTER IN THE HOUSE-HEY!

YUP.

MM-HMM.

� WHAT'S THE RIDDLE? �

� IT'S ROUND ON THE END AND HIGH IN THE MIDDLE �

� IT'S OHIO �

� OH HI, OH HI �

� OH HI, OH HI, OHIO �

� IT'S ROUND ON THE ENDS AND HIGH IN THE MIDDLE �

� IT'S OHIO �

� IT'S ROUND ON THE ENDS AND HIGH IN THE MIDDLE �

� THINK, THINK, THINK, THINK, WHAT'S THE RIDDLE? �

� IT'S ROUND ON THE ENDS AND HIGH IN THE MIDDLE �

� IT'S OHIO �

� IT'S ROUND ON THE ENDS AND HIGH IN THE MIDDLE �

� IT'S OHIO �

� BEAUTIFUL OHIO �

KEEP AWAY FROM THOSE DOORS. DON'T YOU DARE COME IN HERE!

WELL! DROPPING IN FOR A VISIT

OR ARE YOU PLANNING TO STAY FOR A WHILE?

AH-CHOO!

AH-CHOO.

AHHH.

GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING!

GOOD MORNING, DAD.

GOOD MORNING, FATHER.

BAD COLDS, BAD COLDS!

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?

OH, FATHER, HAVE YOU HAD YOUR BREAKFAST YET?

HOURS AGO. I WAS ON MY WAY INTO THE CITY.

DID YOU SEE THE MORNING PAPERS?

AN EXCELLENT ARTICLE!

AH, "CAREER GIRL AND REUNITED HUSBAND

SPEND SECOND HONEYMOON IN THE COUNTRY."

AWWW. WE OUGHT TO KEEP A SPECIAL PLACE IN OUR SCRAPBOOK FOR THESE, DEAR.

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS LATER ON.

LOTS OF BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO TODAY!

NOW, YOU TAKE CARE OF THOSE COLDS!

BYE!

GOOD-BYE, DAD. BYE!

WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS SOME WAY.

WE?

ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY. YOU'VE HAD YOUR REVENGE.

NOW WE'VE GOT TO THINK OF SOMETHING TO DO ABOUT IT.

AND WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST, DEAR?

WE'LL ANNOUNCE A DIVORCE. AH.

NO, WE CAN'T.

THE PAPERS WOULD CHECK UP AND FIND OUT IT WASN'T SO.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU ALMOST MAKE A NOISE LIKE YOU WERE THINKING.

OH, YOU'RE SO SMART, AREN'T YOU?

CREAM, DEAR?

NO, THANK YOU.

OH, BUT DARLING, YOU ALWAYS USED TO!

SUGAR, DEAR?

NO, JUST BLACK, SWEETHEART.

MM-HMM.

NOW, ANGEL,

YOU KNOW WHAT WE DECIDED ABOUT YOUR GOING ON A DIET.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS, SIR?

FOUR-BITTED, BOILED, PLEASE.

MR. MERRICK DOESN'T CARE FOR EGGS, BURTON.

I DO, TOO! I LIKE EGGS WHEN I'M HUNGRY.

NOW, DARLING.

THEY DISAGREE WITH HIM.

MR. MERRICK WILL JUST HAVE SOME DRY TOAST.

UH, YES, MA'AM. WOULD YOU CARE FOR ANYTHING?

YES, SHE'LL HAVE TWO FOUR-BITTED BOILED EGGS, PLEASE, BUXTON.

BURTON, SIR.

SO SMART, AREN'T YOU?

ALL RIGHT, WE WON'T FAKE IT. WE'LL GET A DIVORCE.

OH, NO! YOU CAN'T. IT'S AGAINST THE LAW.

UNLESS THEY CHANGED IT SINCE I LOOKED IT UP LAST NIGHT.

I KNOW AS MUCH ABOUT LAW AS YOU DO.

TALKING LAW TO ME - WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?

ENOUGH TO KNOW YOU CAN'T MAKE A MOCKERY OUT OF MARRIAGE!

WELL, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS FILE A SUIT!

LISTEN TO ME, CUTIE PIE.

YOU CAN'T GO AROUND GETTING DIVORCES THE WAY YOU BUY HATS.

OH, CAN'T I? NO.

NOT UNLESS YOU'RE MARRIED.

THAT'S THE LAW, SO YOU MIGHT JUST AS WELL FORGET IT.

ALL RIGHT. IF THAT'S IT, ALL RIGHT.

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT WHAT?

IF THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DO IT, I'LL DO IT.

LET'S SEE...

WE'D HAVE TO GO TO SOME VERY OUT-OF- THE-WAY PLACE.

OH.

AND WE CAN GET A NICE LITTLE MARRIAGE

SO THAT YOU CAN GET A NICE LITTLE DIVORCE.

IT'S SIMPLE, ISN'T IT?

WOULD BE A RELIEF TO HAVE IT CLEARED UP.

YES, IT CERTAINLY WOULD.

YOU'VE GOT IT ALL PLANNED OUT, HAVEN'T YOU?

THINK ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TO PUSH A BUTTON

AND PEOPLE HOP TO YOUR ORDERS.

WELL, YOU CAN PUSH SOME PEOPLE AROUND, BUT YOU CAN'T PUSH ME AROUND!

I'LL GET MARRIED WHEN I WANT TO GET MARRIED,

BUT IT WON'T BE TO YOU!

BURTON, WHEN YOU GET THROUGH HERE, I WANT YOU TO PACK MY THINGS.

OH, STOP, TONY.

YOU HAVE BURTON BELIEVING YOU.

MR. MERRICK'S A GREAT PRACTICAL JOKER.

I NEVER JOKE. I WANT YOU TO PACK MY THINGS, BURTON.

OH, DARLING, IF YOU DON'T STOP,

YOU'LL HAVE ME IN STITCHES.

AND IT'S NOT FAIR TO BURTON.

MR. MERRICK'S NOT LEAVING.

I AM, TOO! I'M GOING HOME!

TO WAPAKONETA?

YES, TO WAPAKONETA.

I'LL PACK MY THINGS MYSELF!

HELLO, MARGOT.

I GOT YOUR MESSAGE. I'M SORRY TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING.

ANYTHING WRONG?

I THINK I NEED SOME LEGAL ADVICE.

LEGAL ADVICE, EH?

WELL, WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?

IT'S ABOUT TONY.

I KNEW IT. ANOTHER WOMAN. I COULD HAVE WARNED YOU.

NO, THAT ISN'T IT.

UH, HE HAS A CRIMINAL RECORD, A PAST HE HASN'T TOLD YOU ABOUT.

NO, NO, PHILIP. LOOK.

SUPPOSE A PERSON WEREN'T MARRIED,

AND ANOTHER PERSON CAME ALONG

AND SAID THAT THEY WERE THE HUSBAND OF THE FIRST PERSON,

WHEN THE FIRST PERSON

HAD ONLY INVENTED THE HUSBAND TO BEGIN WITH,

AND THE SECOND PERSON MADE EVERYBODY THINK

THAT HE WAS THE HUSBAND OF THE FIRST PERSON.

WHAT WOULD THE FIRST PERSON DO, LEGALLY, TO GET OUT OF IT?

YES.

WELL, LET'S SEE.

I DON'T QUITE, UH...

YOU SAY, UH, IF A PERSON...

AND THEN, UH, ANOTHER PERSON SAID...

AND THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART...

AND THE PARTY OF THE SECOND PART DIDN'T EVEN EXIST,

AND...

MARGOT! YOU MEAN YOU ONLY INVENTED-?

PHILIP, WAIT. I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

YOU'VE SIMPLY GOT TO HELP ME. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN.

AND TONY- I MEAN, JEFF-

IS LEAVING TOWN.

OH?

YOU KNOW WHY I WANT TO GET IT STRAIGHTENED OUT, DON'T YOU?

DEAR?

MARGOT.

YOU MEAN IF YOU WERE... YOU AND I WERE...

OH, PHILIP, I CAN'T THINK.

NOT WITH A TERRIBLE PROBLEM LIKE THIS ON MY MIND.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH.

MARGOT, DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A THING.

WE'LL GET EVERYTHING ALL STRAIGHTENED OUT.

NOW LOOK HERE, THOMPSON. I WANT TO TELL YOU FRANKLY

THAT THIS IS A VERY UNPLEASANT SITUATION WE'VE GOT TO GET STRAIGHTENED OUT.

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'VE GOT TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

LISTEN! I'M THE ONE WHO WAS STUCK IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WHY SHOULD I DO ANYTHING?

GONNA PACK MY THINGS AND GO HOME.

DOESN'T CHIVALRY MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

JUST HOW MUCH CHIVALRY DO YOU MEAN EXACTLY?

HA HA. THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR FLIPPANCY, THOMPSON.

I'VE BEEN ALL OVER IT LEGALLY, AND YOU'VE SIMPLY GOT TO MARRY HER.

OH, I HAVE, HUH? YES, SO SHE CAN DIVORCE YOU.

AND MARRY YOU. RIGHT.

THAT MAKES ME THE MIDDLEMAN.

WELL, I'M AFRAID I DON'T JUST FANCY MYSELF AS THE MIDDLEMAN.

IF YOU DON'T MIND MY SAYING SO, THOMPSON,

I'M A LITTLE AMAZED THAT YOU'RE ARGUING ABOUT ALL THIS.

GOOD! EVERYBODY SHOULD BE AMAZED REGULARLY, EVERY 3 MONTHS.

PEOPLE AREN'T AMAZED NEARLY ENOUGH.

MAN-TO-MAN, THOMPSON, WILL YOU DO THE DECENT THING?

MAN-TO-MAN, BOOTH, NO.

COME IN.

ANY WORD YET?

NO. HE PROMISED TO CALL ME AS SOON AS HE TALKED TO HIM.

THAT'S WHAT I'M WAITING FOR.

OH, DON'T WORRY. HE'S A GOOD TALKER, THIS MR. BOOTH.

HE'LL PERSUADE HIM.

THINK SO, GUSSIE?

AH, OF COURSE I'M SURE.

WELL... IF THEY DON'T GET INTO A FIGHT FIRST.

FIGHT?

WHOO! SOMETHING'S MAKING ME DIZZY.

I WONDER WHAT IT IS.

I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

IT'S THAT STUFF YOU'RE SNIFFING.

THAT'S NO GOOD FOR A COLD.

NOW, PHILIP, DON'T TRY TO MAKE ME BELIEVE

THAT YOU'RE INTERESTED IN MY HEALTH.

YOU'D JUST AS SOON SEE ME DEAD.

OH, NOW DON'T PROTEST. YOU KNOW YOU WOULD.

THEN ALL YOUR TROUBLES WOULD BE OVER.

THEN YOU COULD MARRY MARGOT

WITHOUT MY HAVING TO MARRY HER,

SO I COULD DIVORCE HER...

SO YOU COULD MARRY HER.

THAT WOULD SAVE A LOT OF TROUBLE, JEFF.

BUT I DON'T WANT ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO HAPPEN TO YOU.

NO, SIR!

I ONLY WANT YOU TO GET WELL, SO YOU CAN MARRY HER.

I'LL TELL YOU HOW TO GET RID OF THAT COLD.

HOW? IT'S VERY EASY.

ALL GREAT OPERA SINGERS DO IT.

MMM?

GREAT OPERA SINGERS DO IT.

NELSON EDDY DOES IT.

DOES WHAT?

STANDS ON HIS HEAD, THAT'S WHAT.

HE DOES? WHAT FOR?

TO KEEP HIM HEALTHY.

IT CLEARS UP ALL THE CONGESTION.

WHAT CONGESTION?

CONGESTION OF THE HEAD CONGESTION.

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW.

NOW WATCH ME VERY CLOSELY.

WHOO! AAH!

THERE WE ARE!

IS THAT GOOD FOR A COLD?

BEST THING IN THE WORLD.

I FEEL LIKE A NEW MAN.

ALL RIGHT.

WANT ME TO HELP YOU?

THANK YOU, NO.

ANYTHING YOU CAN DO, I CAN DO.

ALL RIGHT, THEN. GO AHEAD, LET'S SEE.

BUT DON'T THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU HELPED ME GET RID OF MY COLD

THAT I'M GOING TO MARRY MARGOT!

BUT YOU GOT TO! JEFF!

YOU GOTTA, JEFF, FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN!

WHAT CHILDREN?

MY CHILDREN!

DON'T YOU SEE, AFTER I GET MARRIED,

I WANT TO HAVE 3 CHILDREN.

OH.

TWO BOYS AND A GIRL.

ANTHONY, ANDREW, AND AGNES.

AH, THAT'S NICE.

THAT'S VERY NICE. THEY'RE PRETTY NAMES, TOO.

SO YOU SEE, JEFF, IT'S NOT AS THOUGH

I WERE ASKING YOU FOR MYSELF, OR MARGO.

IT'S FOR THE KIDS.

THERE WE ARE, IN A LITTLE WHITE HOUSE,

WITH A LITTLE WHITE FENCE,

AND THEY GOT A PONY.

AH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

I LIKE CHILDREN, TOO.

SO DO I.

WELL THEN, THE ONLY QUESTION IS,

WILL I OR WILL I NOT MARRY THE WOMAN YOU LOVE?

THAT'S THE QUESTION, THOMPSON!

JUST CALL ME BUDDY, BUDDY.

ALL RIGHT, BUDDY BUDDY. WILL YOU?

FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN?

I'LL LET YOU KNOW AFTER I GET RID OF MY COLD.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHERE COULD WE GO TO GET MARRIED?

IT'LL HAVE TO BE SOMEPLACE WHERE NOBODY WOULD PUT IT IN THE PAPERS.

NOBODY'D PUT IT IN THE PAPERS...

I KNOW JUST THE PLACE!

NIAGARA FALLS!

NIAGARA FALLS?

YES, NIAGARA FALLS!

EVERYBODY ELSE GOES THERE AFTER THEY GET MARRIED.

NOBODY WOULD PAY ANY ATTENTION TO A COUPLE

GOING THERE TO GET MARRIED, HMM?

MM-HMM.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, JEFF. I'LL SHOW YOU.

NOW WATCH THIS VERY CLOSELY.

DO JUST LIKE I DO.

AHH.

ALL RIGHT, PHIL, I'LL MARRY HER.

FOR THE SAKE OF ANTHONY, ANDREW, AND AGNES.

YOU'RE A PAL, BUDDY BUDDY.

LET'S SHAKE.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE NOW.

NOW, I...

I ALWAYS SAY A FEW WORDS

AFTER THE CEREMONY TO YOUNG COUPLES.

YOU ARE BEGINNING A NEW LIFE TOGETHER.

AND YOU'RE YOUNG.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU MUST MAKE SACRIFICES FOR EACH OTHER,

BECAUSE MARRIAGE ISN'T EASY.

IT'S A STONY ROAD SOMETIMES.

BUT YOU HAVE TO HELP EACH OTHER AND CHERISH EACH OTHER.

AND WHEN YOU HAVE AN ARGUMENT-AND YOU WILL HAVE ARGUMENTS-

NEVER GO TO BED AT NIGHT

WITHOUT ASKING FORGIVENESS.

FOR THE OLD ADAGE IS TRUE, MY YOUNG FRIENDS,

THAT IT IS A LONELY LIFE ALONE.

TWO BY TWO, WE MARRY.

ONE BY ONE... WE DIE.

AND MAY HEAVEN BLESS YOUR UNION WITH CHILDREN,

AND MAY YOU BOTH LIVE NOT FOR YOURSELVES,

BUT EACH ONLY TO MAKE THE OTHER HAPPY.

AND CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU BOTH.

THANK YOU.

I SUPPOSE HE GIVES THAT TALK TO EVERYBODY.

OH, SURE, THAT'S JUST ROUTINE.

WEDDING BOUQUET?

OH! THANK YOU.

WELL... WE'VE GOT ABOUT 4 HOURS TILL PLANE TIME.

MIGHT AS WELL STROLL OVER AND TAKE A LOOK AT THE FALLS, I GUESS.

MIGHT AS WELL.

LOOK HAPPY, SELMA!

OH!

I CAN'T SEE A THING.

CLOSE YOUR EYES, THEN OPEN THEM.

BEAUTIFUL VIEW, YA?

YA-YEAH, GREAT.

FIRST TIME HERE?

YEP, FIRST TIME.

US TOO! WE JUST COME.

I BET YOU IS NEWLYWEDS TOO,

AIN'T YOU?

UH...

WELL, YES, WE ARE...

IN A WAY.

WILL YOU EXCUSE US, PLEASE?

COULD WE ASK A LITTLE FAVOR?

WE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE PICTURE TO TAKE HOME

TO OUR FRIENDS IN MINNESOTA.

WE CAN'T GET BOTH IN THE SAME PICTURE, YOU KNOW,

IF WE TAKE IT OURSELVES.

WOULD YOU MIND FOR JUST A MINUTE?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

WE STAND OVER HERE.

WE WANT TO HAVE A PICTURE EVERYPLACE WE GO...

FOR OUR MEMORY BOOK.

SELMA'S UNCLE SVEN HAS GIVEN US ONE TO PUT THEM IN.

I BET YOU IS KEEPING SOME, TOO,

SO YOU CAN TAKE BACK HOW HAPPY YOU ARE.

UH...

WELL, UH...

YES. YES, WE ARE.

READY?

THERE YOU ARE.

THANK YOU!

YOU CAN SHOW THAT ONE TO THE CHILDREN SOMEDAY.

YA, SURE.

COULD WE TAKE ONE OF YOU AND SEND IT TO YOU?

UH... WELL, I'LL ASK MY-

UH... THANK YOU.

WE'VE TAKEN SO MANY ALREADY.

WELL, MAYBE WE SHALL MEET AGAIN.

WE'RE GOING TO COME BACK HERE EVERY YEAR, SAME TIME!

WELL, GOOD-BYE. GOOD-BYE.

MANY, MANY HAPPY ANNIVERSARIES TO YOU.

GOOD-BYE. GOOD-BYE.

GOOD-BYE.

OH, LOOK! THE SIGN OF A WEDDING!

BUT YOU IS ALREADY MARRIED!

WELL, WE JUST HOPE YOU HAPPY AS WE ARE.

GOOD-BYE.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

MAYBE WE SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT YEAR!

GOOD-BYE. GOOD-BYE!

SORT OF A SILLY IDEA, COMING BACK HERE EVERY YEAR.

ISN'T IT?

YEAH.

HUMPH. THEY'RE WAY UP IN THE CLOUDS.

AH, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IF THEY ENJOY KIDDING THEMSELVES?

THEY'LL COME DOWN SOON ENOUGH.

LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT IT.

AS LONG AS WE HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER TWO HOURS TOGETHER,

YOU MIGHT TRY TO BE PLEASANT.

I AM PLEASANT!

YOU'RE NOT PLEASANT,

SITTING THERE SNAPPING AND BEING SARCASTIC.

HUH! WHEN YOU DO GET MARRIED,

YOU CERTAINLY WON'T NEED ANY PRACTICE HENPECKING.

I'M NOT HENPECKING!

LISTEN, MY AUNT EDITH KILLED MY UNCLE JOHN HENPECKING.

I OUGHTA KNOW A HENPECKER WHEN I HEAR ONE!

RIGHT THIS WAY, FOLKS!

ONE OF NATURE'S GREATEST WONDERS!

I MIGHT ADD, ONE OF THE WONDERS OF THE WORLD!

ON MY LEFT, A LATERAL VIEW OF THE FALLS

FROM THE HIGHEST POSITION ON THE AMERICAN SIDE.

IN THIS EXACT SPOT IN 1796,

THERE OCCURRED A NATIONAL EVENT.

NOW IF YOU'LL STEP THIS WAY AND WATCH YOUR STEP VERY CAREFULLY...

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT!

LOOK, MOTHER!

OH, IT IS!

AHEM. I BEG PARDON, SIR.

HAVE YOU A MATCH?

HMM? OH, YEAH, SURE. HERE YOU ARE.

I HOPE IT'S AN OHIO MATCH.

NO OTHER KIND ACCEPTED!

HEH HEH HEH! I THOUGHT THAT WOULD GET YOU!

JEFF, HOW ARE YOU?

H- HELLO, MR.-

KELLAND, KELLAND!

IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, MY BOY! HA HA!

HOW ARE YOU? AND MRS. KELLAND!

WE WERE SO SURPRISED TO SEE YOU HERE, JEFF.

YOU REMEMBER MY DAUGHTER, ELVIRA?

SURE. HOW ARE YOU, ELVIRA?

HELLO! I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D REMEMBER ME, JEFF!

WE'VE MOVED TO OUR SUMMER HOME,

AND WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU COME DOWN, JEFF.

WE REALLY WOULD, JEFF.

YOU REMEMBER JUDGE HOLMAN FROM LIMA,

DON'T YOU, JEFF?

YEAH...

OH, YES! HOW ARE YOU, SIR?

FINE, JEFF, FINE.

WE MAY NOT SEE YOU OFTEN, JEFF,

BUT WE FOLLOWED YOUR CAREER, READ ABOUT YOUR EXHIBIT IN NEW YORK.

I WAS OVER IN WAPAKONETA LAST MONTH,

TALKING TO YOUR DAD AND MOTHER ABOUT YOU.

JEFF OUGHT TO REMEMBER ME-

HE WAS IN MY SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS!

WE'RE HERE FOR THE CONVENTION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, JEFF?

WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE DOING IN NIAGARA FALLS?

HUNTIN' WORMS?

J- JEFF! Y- YOU DON'T TELL ME

THAT YOU'VE GONE AND GOTTEN YOURSELF-

YEAH, MARRIED TODAY!

IF YOU FOLKS AIN'T OCCUPIED, YOU CAN LIFT A SNIFTER WITH US.

YOU KNOW, WEDDING PARTY.

AWFUL SORRY YOU DIDN'T GET HERE SOONER-

WE HAD CHAMPAGNE, BUT IT'S ALL GONE.

CERTAINLY TOO BAD YOU MISSED IT.

JEFF, YOU FORGOTTEN YOUR MANNERS?

HOW ABOUT KNOCKING ME DOWN TO THE HOMETOWN FOLKS?

YEAH, THIS IS MR. KELLAND...

GLAD TO MEET YOU, MR. KELLAND.

I KNOW SOME KELLANDS RUN A BUTCHER SHOP IN BROOKLYN.

COURSE, WE AIN'T PLANNING TO LIVE IN BROOKLYN,

'CAUSE JEFF DON'T WANT ME TO WORK NO MORE.

HE SAYS EVEN IF HE IS A SCREWBALL ARTIST,

ONE BREADWINNER IN THE FAMILY'S ENOUGH,

SO I SAID, "OK!"

DIDN'T I, GOOD-LOOKIN'?

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU BOTH.

THIS IS A SURPRISE TO US, ALL RIGHT.

YEAH. ME, TOO.

UH, I MEAN, THANK YOU, SIR.

HEY, WHAT ARE WE STANDING AROUND HERE GASSIN' FOR?

I DON'T WANT YOU FOLKS TO THINK JEFF'S A TIGHTWAD.

COME ON, LET'S TAKE THE PEOPLE OVER AND HOIST A COUPLE, BUTCH.

MMM! GOSH!

WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA, HUH?

OH! I BEG YOUR PARDON.

BEG MY PARDON, NOTHING. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I'M PERFECTLY ABLE TO STAND UP ALONE

AND IF YOU'RE INSINUATING I'M CROCKED,

I DON'T LIKE IT, SEE?

MARGOT! LOOK, YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL-

LISTEN, WHEN I'M PIE-EYED, I DON'T MIND A LITTLE HELP,

BUT IF THERE'S ANYTHING I DON'T LIKE,

IT'S A TWERP WHO GRABS A LADY'S ARM WHEN SHE'S SOBER!

I ASSURE YOU, MRS. THOMPSON,

I INTENDED NO INNUENDO!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. I'LL ACCEPT THE APOLOGY.

I GUESS I DO BURN UP TOO EASY.

BUT A GIRL CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL OF HER REPUTATION,

ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE'S MARRIED!

YES, UH, WELL...

THAT'S ALMOST AXIOMATIC!

OH, I'LL SAY, AND HOW!

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE ALL GO TO SOME SWELL PLACE

AND MAKE A PARTY OUT OF THIS?

JEFF'S TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT WHAT YOU WAPAKONETA KIDS DO

WHEN YOU REALLY CUT LOOSE!

YES, SIR!

WELL! WE REALLY MUST BE GOING.

YES, WELL, IT'S NICE TO HAVE SEEN YOU, JEFF,

AND I-I'M GLAD TO HAVE MET YOUR...

YOUR BRIDE.

GOOD-BYE, MRS. THOMPSON!

SO LONG, KIDS!

SEE YOU IN THE FUNNY PAPERS!

THAT WAS A NICE THING TO DO!

YOU MET MY FRIENDS.

BUT I DIDN'T ACT LIKE THAT.

I HAVE TO GO BACK AND LIVE AMONG THOSE PEOPLE!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'LL THINK?

I'LL BET I CAN GUESS.

LISTEN, WAPAKONETA'S MY HOMETOWN.

I WANT TO GO BACK THERE AND PAINT!

DO YOU REALIZE THE POSITION YOU PUT ME IN?

WELL, AFTER SURVEYING THE SITUATION CAREFULLY,

I WOULD SAY THAT YOU ARE DIRECTLY BEHIND THE 8-BALL.

NO, I'M SORRY. SHE'S STILL IN CONFERENCE.

HELLO? NO, I'M SORRY, SHE'S TOO BUSY.

CAN I SEE MRS. MERRICK NOW? NO, YOU CAN'T.

SHE'S LEAVING TOMORROW. SHE MUST SEE HER PROOFS NOW.

SHE HASN'T TIME.

MRS. MERRICK'S OFFICE.

HOW LONG BEFORE WE CAN SEE HER?

I DON'T KNOW!

MR. JOHNSON WANTS TO SEE MRS. MERRICK.

SHE'S STILL IN CONFERENCE

AND DOESN'T WANT TO BE DISTURBED!

NO, I CAN'T! SHE'S BEEN CONFERRING FOR HOURS.

SHE'S MUCH TOO BUSY TO TALK TO ANYONE NOW!

EXCUSE ME.

I THOUGHT YOU'D MAYBE OK THESE HATS

BEFORE I PHOTOGRAPH THEM.

THEY'RE ALL RIGHT, THEY'RE FINE.

WHAT?

SOMETHING WRONG?

NO, NOT A THING, GUSSIE.

WELL, YOU SHOULD BE VERY HAPPY.

EVERYTHING IS SETTLED NOW,

YOU'RE GOING TO RENO TOMORROW WITH MR. BOOTH.

HE IS A FINE MAN, THIS MR. BOOTH, HMM?

BUT, UH... THE OTHER FELLOW YOU'RE GOING TO DIVORCE

IS MR.- MR. JEFF.

I THINK HE MUST BE A TERRIBLE MAN.

SO MEAN, SO ARROGANT, SO STUBBORN.

HE IS NOT!

OHHH... HE IS NOT?

WELL, HE, UH...

HE HAS HIS GOOD POINTS.

OH? WHAT ARE THEY?

UH... HE'S A VERY GOOD ARTIST.

YES, I SEE IT IN THE PAPER.

HE HAD A PRIZE- WINNING EXHIBITION.

HE DID? YES, HERE.

WELL!

GUSSIE?

HMM?

DO YOU THINK A MARRIAGE IS HOPELESS

IF IT GETS OFF TO A WRONG START?

NO. NO.

FOR INSTANCE, LOOK AT MY MARRIAGE.

WE HAD A VERY BAD START,

AND STILL IT'S... NOT HOPELESS YET.

EMILY AND I, WE HAD NO MONEY,

I HAD NO JOB,

AND HER BROTHER CAME TO LIVE WITH US.

HE'S A BIG FELLOW.

HE ATE A GREAT DEAL, YOU KNOW.

BUT HOW DID YOU GET BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK AFTER SUCH A BAD BEGINNING?

I PUT HIM ON A DIET. HA HA HA!

OH, I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M THINKING ALL THIS WHEN I'M GOING TO RENO.

SO, YOU SURE YOU STILL WANT TO GO TO RENO?

THE DOCTOR THINKS A TRIP WILL DO ME GOOD.

HE SAYS I HAVE A PARTIAL NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

FROM OVERWORK.

FROM OVERWORK, UH-HUH.

WELL... HE MUST KNOW.

HE IS A VERY GOOD DOCTOR, THIS DR. SCHUTZENBRINK.

WELL, FOR $30 A VISIT, HE CAN'T AFFORD TO BE WRONG.

YES?

MR. BOOTH IS ON HIS WAY IN.

ALL RIGHT.

ARE THOSE THE THINGS YOU'RE GOING TO PHOTOGRAPH?

YES.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SHOW THEM TO ME?

B- BUT I SHOWED-

THEY WON'T DO AT ALL.

YOU JUST SAID THEY WERE FINE, THEY WERE ALL RIGHT!

I DID? YES.

OH.

COME IN!

HELLO, PHIL.

HELLO, DARLING!

HIYA, WINKY.

NOW YOU JUST GO RIGHT AHEAD WITH WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO HAVE A SINGLE THING ON YOUR MIND

WHEN WE LEAVE TOMORROW.

LOOK, PHILIP, DO WE HAVE TO LEAVE SO SOON?

I- I'VE GOT SO-

BUT, DARLING, I'VE MADE ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS,

AND I HAD A TALK WITH MR. BIXBY AT THE FIRM

ABOUT THAT PROPERTY SETTLEMENT,

AND HE AGREES WITH ME THAT WITH A MAN LIKE THIS,

AN IRRESPONSIBLE PAUPER-

PAUPER?

WELL, AFTER ALL, DARLING,

YOU ARE A WOMAN OF PROMINENCE AND MEANS.

UNLESS WE HAVE THOMPSON SIGN A PROPERTY SETTLEMENT,

WHO KNOWS WHAT CLAIMS HE'LL TRY TO MAKE IN THE FUTURE?

THE MARRIAGE IS VALID, YOU KNOW.

HELLO?

HELLO? HELLO.

GET ME MR. JEFF THOMPSON, PLEASE, AT THE SHERRY PLAZA.

OH, PHILIP, IT ISN'T NECESSARY.

IT IS A VERY GOOD IDEA. IT'S VERY NECESSARY, MARGOT.

I CAN'T SEE ANY NEED-

YOU SHOULD TALK IT OVER WITH HIM.

MR. BOOTH IS QUITE RIGHT.

IT'S VITAL FOR YOUR PROTECTION;

IT'LL ONLY TAKE ME 4 OR 5 HOURS TO DRAW IT UP.

HELLO. HELLO, THOMPSON?

BOOTH CALLING.

NOW, UH, ABOUT THAT PROPERTY SETTLEMENT.

MM-HMM.

YEAH. YEAH.

YOU DON'T SAY SO.

WELL, I'VE DONE ALL I'M GOING TO DO FOR BOTH OF YOU.

I WOULDN'T STAY IN THIS COCKEYED TOWN ANOTHER NIGHT

FOR ALL THE TEA IN CHINA.

I'M GETTING ON A TRAIN FOR OHIO AT 6:00.

BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DRAW IT UP BY THAT TIME!

HE WON'T STAY. HE'S LEAVING TONIGHT.

WELL, YOU OUGHT TO DO IT WHILE HE'S IN THE MOOD.

UH, HELLO, THOMPSON! YES, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

YOU COULD CHANGE THE TICKETS FOR TONIGHT

AND SETTLE THE WHOLE THING ON THE TRAIN.

GO ON THE SAME TRAIN WITH HIM?

YES!

BUT GUSSIE!

THE TRIP WILL DO YOU VERY GOOD.

YOU LOOK HERE, WINKEL.

WELL, THAT'S RIGHT. THE DOCTOR SAID THAT I-

ALL RIGHT, YOUR MAJESTY.

WE'LL BE DELIGHTED TO OBLIGE YOU.

WE'LL SETTLE THE WHOLE MATTER ON THE TRAIN, TONIGHT.

� ROUND ON THE ENDS AND HIGH IN THE MIDDLE �

� THINK, THINK, THINK, THINK, WHAT'S A RIDDLE? �

� ROUND ON THE ENDS AND HIGH IN THE MIDDLE �

� IT'S O-HI-O �

COME IN.

WHEREAS, THE PARTIES HAVE MUTUALLY RECOGNIZED THEIR-

HERE YOU ARE, SIR.

WHO ORDERED THOSE?

I DID. PUT THEM DOWN, SAM.

A DRINK WILL SPRUCE YOU UP.

I'M QUITE SPRUCED, THANK YOU.

YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK WHEN YOU'RE WORKING.

ANYTHING ELSE, SIR?

NO, THAT'S ALL. THANKS, SAM.

SURE YOU WON'T HAVE ONE?

NO, THANKS. NO, THANK YOU.

WELL...

HERE'S TO THE BRIDE.

AND THE GROOM.

AND TO THE MIDDLEMAN.

NOW IF YOU ARE READY, THOMPSON, WE CAN CONTINUE.

AND WHEREAS THE PARTIES HAVE MUTUALLY RECOGNIZED

THEIR RIGHTS AND INVESTITURES,

AND WHEREAS THE CHATEAUS AND PROPERTIES BOTH REAL AND PERSONAL,

AND WHEREAS NEITHER HAVING ANY RIGHT, TITLE,

CLAIM, OR INTEREST TO THOSE OF THE OTHER.

AND WHEREAS THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART, MAKING KNOWN...

YOU'RE THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART, THOMPSON.

HMM?

OH, YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW. PARTY OF THE FIRST PART.

AND YOU'RE THE PARTY OF THE SECOND PART, DARLING.

AND YOU'RE THE PARTY OF THE THIRD PART.

THERE IS NO PARTY OF THE THIRD PART.

AND, WHEREAS THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART

MAKES KNOWN HIS AGREEMENT.

NOW THEN, I'M UNSURE ABOUT CLAUSE 9.

WELL, JUST MAKE IT "CLAUSE 9... WHEREAS."

WHEREAS WHAT?

JUST "WHEREAS."

CAN'T I HAVE ONE CLAUSE MY WAY?

COME IN!

GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING, FOLKS.

UH, MR. THOMPSON, LOWER 5.

AND MR. BOOTH, LOWER 6.

MRS. MERRICK, COMPARTMENT B, IN HERE.

OH, I SCARED UP THOSE FOLDERS YOU ASKED ME FOR, MR. BOOTH.

HERE YOU ARE, THE GRAND CANYON.

OH, THANK YOU.

GOODNIGHT, FOLKS. GOODNIGHT.

MARGOT AND I ARE GOING TO THE GRAND CANYON ON OUR HONEYMOON,

ON THE WAY BACK.

I CAN THINK OF BETTER PLACES.

THE GRAND CANYON'S BEAUTIFUL THIS TIME OF THE YEAR.

WELL, THOMPSON, I THINK WE CAN LET CLAUSE 9 GO.

IF YOU'LL JUST...

SIGN RIGHT HERE,

WE WON'T TROUBLE YOU ANY FURTHER.

IT'S GETTING LATE.

MARGOT AND I HAVE A FEW PERSONAL THINGS TO DISCUSS TOGETHER.

MM-HMM. THAT'S ALL?

YES, THAT'S ALL.

YES, THAT'S ALL.

WELL, UH...

RIGHT, RIGHT HERE, THOMPSON.

UM...

I DON'T UNDERSTAND CLAUSE 4.

BUT I JUST READ IT TO YOU.

"AND WHEREAS... " IT'S ALL GREEK TO ME.

I THINK I SHOULD HAVE LEGAL ADVICE.

LOOK, WHERE DO YOU EXPECT TO FIND-

YOU'RE NOT DENYING ME RIGHT OF COUNSEL?

AFTER ALL, IF HE'S NOT SATISFIED,

THERE MIGHT BE ONE ON THE TRAIN.

SURE, THERE'S ALWAYS ONE ON THE TRAIN!

WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT BEFORE?-

BE RIGHT BACK.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SUGGEST THAT.

I WAS ONLY TRYING TO BE FAIR.

SAY, SAM.

YES, SIR?

I SORT OF NEED SOMEBODY TO DO A LITTLE JOB FOR ME.

WHAT KIND OF A JOB, SIR?

WELL, UH...

SOMEBODY WHO LOOKS IMPRESSIVE AND CAN TALK A LOT.

YOU THINK MAYBE THERE'S A PASSENGER ON THE TRAIN

WHO'D LET TO PICK UP 10 BUCKS BEING A LAWYER FOR AWHILE?

NOW LET ME...

DID YOU SAY LAWYER, SIR?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY WHO CAN CITE CASES,

DEMAND WRITS OF HABEAS HOCUS-POCUS, YOU KNOW.

WELL, SIR, I STUDIED LAW BY CORRESPONDENCE THE PAST 4 YEARS

TO IMPROVE MY MIND.

AND IF I COULD BE OF SERVICE TO YOU, SIR...

ARE YOU LONG-WINDED?

GOOD AT OBJECTING?

I'S A LAWYER, ISN'T I?

SAM, YOU GOT YOURSELF A CLIENT.

YES, SIR!

CLAUSE 9.

WHEREAS THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART AND THE PARTY OF THE SECOND PART

HAVE THIS DAY MUTUALLY AGREED THAT INSOFAR AS EACH IS CONCERNED-

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

AS HERE AND BEFORE PROVIDED,

THE AFOREMENTIONED HOLDINGS, REAL AND PERSONAL,

HELD IN FEE SIMPLE AND FEE ABSOLUTE,

EXCLUDING ESCROW,

EXCEPT IN CASES OF ,

ISSUED BY COURTS OF HIGHER JURISDICTION,

REMAIN AD MAJOREM, IN STATUS QUO

INCLUDING REAL PROPERTIES HELD WITH NON MAJOREM.

WELL, THOMPSON, I'M SURE ALL SUCH PROPERTIES SHOULD BE HYPOTHECATED.

UH, EXCUSE ME, SIR.

BUT IN INDIANA SUPREME COURT, JOHNSON VS. JOHNSON, 1923,

IF I MIGHT CITE A CASE AS PART OF MY CONTENTION,

THE RULING WAS REVERSES HYPOTHECATION, COMPLETELY REVERSES.

WELL, THOMPSON, WILL YOU CONCEDE CLAUSE 3 IN THIS BRIEF?

NO.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT CLAUSES 5 AND 6?

WILL YOU STIPULATE AS TO THOSE?

WE STIPULATE?

NO, SIR.

WE DON'T STIPULATE.

NOW LISTEN, THOMPSON.

YOU HEARD WHAT COUNSEL SAID.

COUNSEL MUST BE CONVERSANT WITH THE RULING IN THE AMES CASE,

WISCONSIN, 1923.

UH, CAN I GET YOU ANOTHER SANDWICH, SIR?

NO, I DON'T WANT ANY MORE SANDWICHES NOW.

I DO.

YES, SIR. IF I MAY SUGGEST,

WITH COUNSEL'S PERMISSION,

IT MIGHT BE WISER IF THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART

AND THE PARTY OF THE SECOND PART

ARBITRATED THIS MATTER PERSONALLY.

YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

SURE, MARGOT AND I-

OH, NO, YOU DON'T, THOMPSON.

YOU DON'T SEE MARGOT UNLESS I'M THERE TO PROTECT HER INTERESTS.

OK. PROCEED, COUNSEL.

YES, SIR.

WITH THE SANDWICH OR THE BRIEF, SIR?

HA HA. WITH THE SANDWICH.

YES, SIR.

HA HA.

� ROUND ON THE ENDS AND HIGH IN THE MIDDLE �

� IT'S OHIO �

UH, CAN I GET YOU GENTLEMEN ANYTHING ELSE?

NO, THANKS.

OH, SAM. YES, SIR.

I'M VERY APPRECIATIVE

OF EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE.

HERE'S YOUR FEE.

THANK YOU KINDLY, SIR.

I'LL WAKE YOU UP IN THE MORNING BEFORE WE GET TO WAPAKONETA.

YEAH.

GOOD NIGHT, GENTLEMEN.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, THOMPSON. YEAH?

HERE'S YOUR COPY OF THE AGREEMENT.

OH, THANKS.

AH, IT'S A RELIEF TO HAVE EVERYTHING SETTLED.

AND SOMETIME WHEN YOU'RE IN NEW YORK,

I WANT YOU TO COME UP AND WE'LL ALL HAVE A LAUGH OVER OUR LITTLE MIX-UP.

YEAH, I'LL DO THAT.

OH, I THINK YOU'LL UNDERSTAND THAT IT WOULD BE PLEASANTER ALL AROUND

IF YOU DON'T SEE MARGOT IN THE MORNING.

SHE ASKED ME TO THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR TROUBLE.

SURE, THAT'S OK.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, THOMPSON.

GOOD NIGHT.

STAYING UP A WHILE?

NO, NO, NO. I'M HITTING THE HAY RIGHT NOW.

GOOD NIGHT.

GETTING UP?

UH, NO. I'M JUST LOOKING FOR MY SUITCASE.

OH, HERE IT IS. I GOT IT.

GOOD NIGHT, THOMPSON.

GOOD NIGHT.

Margot. It's me, Jeff.

I just want to say good-bye

and tell you I'm sorry for all the trouble I made for you.

Margot, I wish you wouldn't feel that way about it.

I know you're pretty bitter but won't you see me for just a minute

and say good-bye as friends?

I won't be seeing you in the morning.

Margot?

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM. IT'S THE PORTER, SAM.

IT'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE CHILLY TONIGHT,

SO I BROUGHT YOU AN EXTRA BLANKET.

I'LL BRING IT IN.

I BROUGHT THE EXTRA BLANKET ALREADY, SIR.

OH, YOU ALREADY BROUGHT-

I MEAN, SO YOU ALREADY BROUGHT

THE EXTRA BLANKET, HUH?

YES, SIR.

HA HA HA.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAD ME PUZZLED THERE FOR A MINUTE.

I COULDN'T HARDLY TELL WHICH ONE OF US WAS ME.

WELL, I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU TO CALL ME IN THE MORNING, SAM.

YES, SIR, YES, SIR.

I GUESS I'LL TAKE A LITTLE WALK AND GET SOME AIR.

GOOD NIGHT, SAM.

GOOD NIGHT, SIR. HA HA HA.

MARGOT.

BEEN OUTSIDE?

YES, ON THE PLATFORM.

MM-HMM.

I, UH, PROBABLY WON'T BE SEEING YOU IN THE MORNING.

OH, UH, I KNOW.

I GUESS NOT.

WE MIGHT AS WELL SAY GOOD-BYE THEN.

YES, I GUESS WE'D BETTER.

YEAH, BECAUSE THE TRAIN GETS INTO WAPAKONETA AT HALF PAST 8.

OH, I THOUGHT I WAS 8:22.

NO, NO. IT'S 8:30.

OH.

WELL...

GOOD-BYE.

MARGOT.

YES?

I MEANT GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT!

AND PLEASANT DREAMS.

HOW MANY TIMES YOU HAVE TO TELL THAT DAME GOOD NIGHT TO MAKE IT STICK?

CAN'T YOU READ THE SIGN?

WHEREAS THE CIVIL CODE OF LIMITATIONS RESTRICTS

THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART AND THE PARTY OF THE SECOND PART.

WHEREAS AMES VS. AMES...

CASE OF JOHNSON VS. JOHNSON.

HEY, BOSS.

I OBJECT, YOUR HONOR!

OHH.

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

OHH. WHAT?

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

MORNING ALREADY?

YES, SIR.

WHAT'S THAT?

A DOUBLE BOURBON, SIR.

I DIDN'T ORDER THAT.

NO, SIR. IT'S MY OWN IDEA.

OH, THE TRAIN STOPPED. WHERE ARE WE?

WAPAKONETA, SIR.

OH, WAPAKONETA, EH?

YES, SIR.

WHAT'S THAT?

THERE HE IS!

WHERE?

HEY, WHAT IS THIS?

HEY, JEFF! JEFF!

HERE'S YOUR DAD AND MOTHER.

HELLO, MOM. HI, DAD.

HOW ARE YOU, SON? CONGRATULATIONS.

WHERE IS SHE, JEFF? WE WANT TO MEET HER.

IT WAS A LITTLE LATE WHEN WE GOT YOUR WIRE.

BUT WE DID OUR BEST TO GET A TURNOUT HERE

FOR YOU AND THE BRIDE.

WH-WHAT ARE YOU-WHY, I DIDN'T SEND ANY WIRE.

I DID, DEAR.

YOU KNOW HOW FORGETFUL HE IS.

I KNEW YOU WANTED WAPAKONETA TO MEET US TOGETHER.

COME ON, JEFF. GIVE US A GREAT BIG KISS FOR THE BRIDE NOW.

YOU KNOW, THE OLD OHIO KISS-A-MAROO.

OH, BOY, WE'VE BEEN WAITING A LONG TIME FOR THIS.

OH, BOY, SO HAVE I! WHOA!

I THOUGHT YOU'D NEED IT, SIR.

HA HA HA.

LOOKS LIKE THE CASE IS CLOSED.

HA HA HA.