Original subtitles

What's wrong with you?

Sometimes I dream.

Dream? About what?

It's dark

there's a woman crying.

Do you wanna do it again?

OK

Phil!

Aw! Sick.

Still got it.

Stay back.

You, you killed him!

Shut up.

Who are you?

Who was that large cocked man?

That was no man.

That was something far worse.

What was it?

How the hell are you still alive ?

What are you talkin' about?

The water!

The water.

What water?

You don't know about the water?

What are we gonna do?

The first thing you gonna do is shut the fuck up and sit down.

Let me think what we gonna do.

Stay right here ladies.

Who are you?

Misandra

They call me Phil

Phil O'Ginny

It's Irish.

When did it happen?

Twelve days ago

Everything I ever loved...

Everything anyone ever loved...

It all went to hell.

We are so in love

To us,

Fuck anybody who's not in love like we are

Must be fags

Total fuckin' queers

Yield beast!

Hey babe,

Can you fix me a glass of water please?

Of course.

Thank you.

Thanks babe.

So how was your day?

It was good, it was good.

Hey you know that uh...

that picture I have of you in my wallet?

Yeah?

I totally beat off to it during my lunch break.

Ugh...

What's wrong?

I... I don't feel so good.

I don't...

I hate women!

Ugh... I'm so fucking thirsty

I'm almost out.

I know of a well,

It might be un-tainted.

You can come with me...

but you've gotta pull your weight.

If all shit goes to hell,

I will not hesitate to kill you and eat your dead body for sustenance. Understand?

You'll eat my corpse if you have to...

Good. Lets go.

That nice-boobed girl! We have to help her.

No!

No!

Nooooo!

She was so hot!

Damn you!

You son of a bitch!

Get some rest.

Ah!

Shut up Pussy!

Fuck! I'm so fucked!

How long until we get to that well you were talkin' about?

Soon, maybe a day.

I just really don't want to have to drink my own piss.

I'm going to look for food, stay here.

Phil? Phil O'Ginny?

Mr. Johnson?

They call me Houdini now.

Who?

Meet my crew!

Browneye!

Balloon Knot!

Chili Dog!

Suave Daddy!

Pink Sock!

and Alligator Fuckhouse!

It's nice to meet you.

I have proven my leadership abilities by excelling in various forms of hand to hand combat.

This fist is legend.

A legend in fisting!

Yes. This fist has gotten me out of many tight jams,

and into them,

repeatedly,

again and again.

It is a good fist.

So! How did a boy like Phil O'Ginny,

never suited up a day in his life,

possibly survive the end of society?

Ironic isn't it?

I guess

Must of been luck that's kept you alive this long.

Yeah? Well what about you?

Me ?

I've been training for this day my whole life.

Broken hearts and lonely eyes

are raining down from the empty skies

I didn't see the imminent demise

of our love once on the rise.

Lightning striking in the depths of my soul

cracking thunder waking ghosts of old

now the thoughts of the love you sold

are driving me crazy and taking hold.

I tried to tell you

but you didn't listen.

You can only push it so far (that's what she said)

I'll bury you in the sky.

I fuckin' told you!

I can be a mean man.

You crossed me for the last time.

Again, I'll bury in the sky!

We'll meet

within the shadows of love.

Shirts and skins boys!

Shits and skins... Hey Anderson take your shirt off!

I said take it off!

Mmmm!

Mr. O'Ginny,

n o uniform again.

Do you know what grade you have in this class O'Ginny?

You have a zero,

a fucking zero.

Do you have any idea how insanely pathetic that is?

How many years you been held back now?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Seriously, I wanna know.

You are a limp-dick pathetic husk of a man!

I just thought you should know that.

Hey Anderson I swear to god you chubby fuck

if you don't fix that corner

I'm gonna fucking ram my fist up your ass!

It's about time bitch!

Are we gonna be alright Papa?

It's ok son, we'll be alright.

But I'm scared.

I'm scared too,

but don't worry, we'll get out of here

You're mother didn't die just so we could be stuck in this...

No!

I have to get my son out of here!

I have to get my son!

No!

Papa!

Fuckin' stupid shit,

God damn ridiculous fucking... shit.

So did you like the movie ?

No.

What?

Yeah. It's your fucking grandpa.

I hate that asshole.

Hello?

Oh my god. Oh my god.

What's wrong babe?

Are you hurt?

My grandma died.

I loved her so much.

So you're not hurt?

No, why do you keep asking me that?

I just want to make you feel better.

But you're not...

What?

Hurt.

No, what the hell is wrong with you?

I know, I know what'll help.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna give you something to cry about.

Don't worry, don't cry I promise it'll make you feel better

I love you.

Get the fuck away from me!

Bitch!

If I fucking give you something to cry about you won't have a reason to cry anymore.

Daddy?

Daddy.

Are you hurt?

Why are you crying?

I'll give you something to cry about.

Look a girl!

Let's gang rape her!

Woh woh woh, she's with me.

You guys are joking right?

Gang rape is not a joke.

We take it very seriously.

Have you ever gang-raped before?

Out of this world...

Houdini...

You see Phil, there is no society anymore

Gang rape's OK now.

Back off! Back off bro!

You know what you are man?

You're a cock blocker, a filthy cock blocker.

You're right, I am a cock blocker.

I'm the best cock blocker that I know.

And you know what?

All your cocks

just got blocked.

Nobody blocks my cock!

Shirts and skins boys

Shirts and skins...

It's just not an apocalypse without a circle of death!

Who are you?

They call me Ludas!

I guess I should thank you.

You could.

Thanks.

You are in need of water, come with me if you want to get it.

Did you really need to rip off his face?

Justice is cruelty and pain.

I'm sorry if you don't like it!

Well... to the water then?

I guess I don't have a choice.

This, is my friend's parent's basement.

This place...

This place has been my sanctuary and my savior.

I lied. There is no water here.

Only wine.

This wine has nourished my body and drowned my soul.

It is untainted.

A gift from god perhaps.

Life is a dark chasm,

No hope, no light.

In the world before it was easy with our distractions and laws,

to think of the world as a good place.

The truth,

the truth is that the world is cold, dark, and loveless.

I would have killed myself...

had this wine not taken the edge off of my madness.

The horror that I bore witness.

That unfathomable, unknowable, illimitable, insidious...

ultimate horror paralysis that I experienced,

was truly of a hideous dream nature.

Do you have any of that wine you were talking about eariler?

Very well.

Let us partake of this winey goodness.

Let us not forget our sins.

It is aged and good.

Totally.

And now my fellow travelers,

I will tell you my story.

I must.

You will hear, you will hear and take heed.

It all started...

back when I had a face.

So I've uh...

been thinking about the future a little bit...

Hey! Hey look at this bro.

Holy shit, this is some great fucking work!

We're close,

very close.

You never seise to amaze me my friend.

Yeah,

thanks, yeah.

Fuck! Fucking gay pen.

Here, use mine.

Oh, is this a gel pen?

Yeah.

Gel pens are great.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Dude.

Yeah?

When we're famous scientists,

We are gonna get some mad fucking pussy.

Really?

Oh yeah,

fucking girls will be like lining up in droves to suck our cocks.

I don't know if that's true.

I mean,

how many girls want to suck your cock now?

Uh, probably none.

Maybe uh, Gina kinda likes me.

Oh no, fuck that bitch.

I'm talking about super hot bitches.

Girls that really know how to suck a cock.

I don't really know any women like that.

You will,

when we're rich and famous...

it will be some serious, total...

balls-to-the-wall cock sucking.

It's just the way it is.

Alright, I'm gonna do it.

Are you ready?

Yeah, yeah OK.

Are you sure?

This, this is gonna hurt.

Nah no just a little... little tickle.

Alright, OK.

Alright, I'm gonna do it on three.

One...

Two...

Alright I can't do this.

No I'm not gonna do this. Never...

What are you a fucking pussy?

You wanna be a famous scientist?

Yeah.

You promise this isn't gonna hurt?

I promise.

Alright just do it.

Just do it quick.

First off I want to make sure that none of you are faggots.

Are you a faggot?

No? OK good.

What do you have ?

You see...

we extracted the chemical from the male body that controls penis function.

With it we can...

stimulate the dick receptors inside the balls

and therefore super-charge the cock itself.

Astronomically increasing the subject's chances

of getting his cock sucked.

Here's our initial findings.

Whow, that's amazing.

I mean...

I'm not saying I have a small dick or anything, cause I don't!

But uh.. man, this is good.

I have this friend, his name is Jim,

Jim, Jim, lets call him that.

Well he's got this litte tiny rod

of a piece of shit dick that

no woman would ever want to fuck!

And he, I mean I, I mean he, fuck!

He would love it,

I'll give you the funding.

That's us! That's our penis enhancer!

I just wanted to let you know I accepted a job at Questor University

It was a really good opportunity and...

I can't be a lab assistant forever

I just wanted to let you know.

I won't forget you.

Gina wait...

Wait.

Sure, yeah, go, that's good.

You know I'm really starting to doubt your commitment to the project.

I'm just saying theoretically,

couldn't we just find a chick who would bang us both at the same time without

actually having to be rich and famous.

Like uh... like a skank or something.

Everybody knows

that the existential mysteries of life

are revealed though material possessions

and monetary gain.

You fucking idiot!

Sometimes you're so stupid.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

Yeah, it's ok.

Bro...

Yeah?

I love you.

What was that?

Drew?

Drew are you down here ?

No.

Listen uh, Drew...

were you and your friends messing around with my wine collection?

No dad.

You know how much I was looking forward to drinking that 1983 Campbell Farms Merlou.

Fuck you.

What have I told you about language son?

Come on.

So anyway...

How are the experiments going?

We're only on the verge of a major scientific break-though.

Mmhmm...

So you say all this stuff's gonna help me grow a bigger Johnson huh?

No dad, you don't get any.

Well I mean I've got a pretty good one now,

but uh,

I could stand to use another eight or nine inches right?

Yeah...

I mean who couldn't? Right son?

But uh,

when you guys get rich and famous,

send over some of those hot ladies

you're always talking about

to your old man alright?

You don't get any of my rich guy pussy when I'm rich, you're done with pussy.

Oh come on son,

now watch the language alright?

No!

We have to put a stop to Cockzantium.

Oh really?

I have a vision,

a dream of what could be thanks to Cockzantium.

And I'm not just stroking egos here boy we're creating a whole new world.

A utopian society where all men are of equal value

and all women will tremble before the

might of our raging, throbbing, cockage.

Collective bonerage.

And all will be well,

and everyones cock will be sucked!

People are dying!

We have to put a stop to it.

No one's gonna stop anything ever again.

I've seen what Cockzantium can do.

We must thrust it upon every oraphus of society immediately.

This remote will double penetrate Cockzantium into the water supply.

Rendering huge boners,

raging cocks...

Don't you do it!

But I must.

You don't have to!

I can't, but I will.

Why?

Because...

I was too late.

Hey this is Gina I'm not home right now

so leave a message and I'll call you back,

thanks.

Hey gina, it's Ludas,

I know we haven't talked in a while,

I just wanted to call and check up on you

see if you're doing good.

and I wanted to say that uh...

I just wanted to tell you,

I just, I wanted to tell you that,

that you're the most

beautiful girl in the whole world.

That I love you, I love you Gina, I love you.

Donald, No! I love you!

Oh my god!

They did it, they poisoned the water!

They did it, they poisoned the water!

Who did it? Who tainted the water?

It was me, I caused The Taint.

We should kill him.

You're a two faced snake!

Double-crosser.

You're gonna die two-face.

Do you know how much piss I'm gonna have to drink because of you?

His punishment should fit the crime.

He can't be two-faced without a face.

That is the end of my story.

I caused The Taint

Why didn't they fucking kill you you fucking lesbian?

You fucking deserve to die

You think I don't know that?

I searched for a cure

But you wouldn't like what I found

My dreams are filled with terror

What fills your dreams with dread, Phil?

Nothing, nothing at all

Anderson, what the fuck

you chubby piece of shit

keep your eye on the ball!

So what've you got for me today O'Ginny?

Wow.

Do you know what I think of this?

Do you know what I think of this

note from your doctor?

That's what I think of it you lazy bitch.

Seriously,

what the fuck is wrong with you O'Ginny?

Gym,

it just ain't my subject.

Let's take a walk.

Phil.

Sandy.

Oh,

your shoes are looking good today.

Phil, um, I need to talk to you.

OK, what?

Um, not here.

Listen uh,

I think you just gotta let it go babe.

Phil we need to talk alone, now.

Ugh, god.

All you bitches, all of em, all the time.

Always fuckin' giving me shit and... fuck.

Ugh... god.

Fine!

Lets fuckin' uh...

Lets go!

Talk to you later.

Um can we go to your house ?

Sure, sure.

Listen Sandy, we're over.

We've been over for a long time now,

but if you want,

I'll fuck you.

Shut up.

I'm serious.

Yeah, no thanks.

So, Sandy,

what is the big deal?

What is this secret?

You love me ?

I'm pregnant.

With what?

Your baby asshole!

But...

We can still can still fuck right?

Fuck you.

Are you sure that it's?

Some of us don't sleep around.

I want an abortion.

But,

the government just made abortions illegal,

how's that gonna work?

You're gonna have to do it.

I don't want to.

You did this, you do it!

This is such bullshit.

OK, I'll do it.

My dad gets home in two hours.

Do you have any coat hangers?

All plastic... fuck.

What kind of a loser doesn't have metal coat hangers?

Don't judge me.

Oh wait...

Alright go wash it off.

What you think I got filthy coat hangers?

Well if it's going in my pussy go wash it off.

Make sure to use anti-bacterial soap.

What?

Make sure to use anti-bacterial soap.

I don't have any.

Ultra-Concentrated is gonna have to do.

It's time.

You know,

I really believed me when you said you loved me.

If it makes you feel any better,

I believed me too.

Oh sick.

Where'd the condom go?

We're all Misogynists.

I love women, I love them.

Men do two things exceedingly well,

Busting a nut, and killing people.

If you can't do one, you do the other,

and if we're lucky we do both at the same time.

It was my arrogance and my sin

that brought this plague onto the earth.

But it was here long before

and will be here long after.

We can't fight it, no.

Not anymore.

Phil, there's something I have to tell you.

That wine we drank tonight,

It's...

tainted!

No!

I'm not a Misogynist.

I'm not, I can't be.

I don't crush women's heads with rocks.

I can't.

I won't.

Oh god.

You're not a Misogynist.

You did what she wanted you to do.

You're not like those monsters out there.

But you will be, you will be.

I will.

How did you become such a cool and amazing woman?

When I was a kid,

My father told me, that I was just as smart,

as strong and talented as any man.

That I, as a woman, can be a statement.

That my personality, my character

Can be the solution to all sexual inequalities in American society

That I, as I stand here

can embody everything any woman could ever possibly achieve.

You're right!

You misogynistic son of a bitch.

(Sad music)

If you're tired of having a

withered, shriveled, pathetic, tiny penis,

cal your doctor today

and ask him about Cockzantium

It's about time you did something about your penis.