Original subtitles

[ WHISTLING ]

EDMUND!LOLA!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

I'VE GOT TO TALK TO YOU.

SOMEBODY MAY BE WATCHING.

THEY FOUND ME A FOSTER FAMILY,

AND THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME TODAY.

COME ON, EDMUND, WHO WOULD TAKE YOU...

BESIDES US?

THIS IS SERIOUS, LOLA.

THESE PEOPLE WANT A KID BAD.

YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME GET OUT OF THIS FAST.

THEY'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE,

AND I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT YOU GUYS.

WELL, DON'T WORRY.

I'M NOT GOING TO LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU.

I'LL COME UP WITH SOMETHING.

YEAH, WELL, YOU BETTER THINK FAST.

OH, THIS MAY BE EASIER THAN YOU THINK.

THE PROBLEM IS THE WAY YOU'RE DRESSED HERE.

WHAT?

YOUR FOSTER PARENTS --

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS LET THEM SEE THE REAL YOU.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.

WHEN YOU GET IN THAT ROOM TODAY, YOU JUST ACT LIKE...

HERE HE IS.

EDMUND, REMEMBER MR. AND MRS. SCHRAMM?

HOW ARE YOU, EDMUND?

OKAY, UM,

WE DO HAVE A PHENOMENALLY HIGH SUCCESS RATE

HERE AT ESTHER WATSON IN PLACING CHILDREN

IN WHAT WE CALL HIGH-QUALITY HOMES SUCH AS YOURS.

AND WE LIKE TO BELIEVE

IT'S BECAUSE OF THE EXTRAORDINARY CARE WE TAKE

IN MATCHING THE FOSTER PARENT WITH THE CHILD.

NOW, IF YOU'LL BOTH SIGN RIGHT HERE.

I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING IN TERMS OF POTENTIAL ADOPTION.

AND BY THE WAY, I MUST TELL YOU

YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED IN YOUNG EDMUND HERE.

HE TAKES UNUSUAL PRIDE IN HIS APPEARANCE

FOR SOMEONE HIS AGE.

HE IS AN EXCEPTIONALLY CREATIVE YOUNG MAN.

YOU WON'T FIND ANOTHER BOY ANYWHERE

WHO'LL MEASURE UP TO OUR EDMUND.

HE HAS SHOWN HIMSELF

TO BE A VERY WELL BEHAVED --

EDMUND, WHAT IN THE --

[ HOWLING ]

CASSIE! CASSIE!

EDMUND!

COME ON.

IT WORKED! LOLA WAS RIGHT!

WE WILL NOT BE GOING OUTSIDE TODAY AS PLANNED.

THERE'S ALWAYS ONE PERSON IN THIS CLASS WHO RUINS IT

FOR THE REST OF US.

[ Whispering ] BEN! BEN!

COME ON!

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE ME.

I'M A REJECT.

ALL RIGHT, EDMUND! DOES LOLA KNOW?

LOLA'S GOING TO LOVE IT!

YEAH, OH, WOW!

I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL LOLA.

ME NEITHER.

HEY, LOLA!

HEY, CASS, COME ON, HOW MANY TIMES DO I GOT TO TELL YOU?

SORRY, ARTHUR.

WELL?

[ HOWLS ]

AND THEY FELL FOR THAT?

IT WAS GREAT! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THEIR FACES.

LOOK, I'VE BEEN GIVING IT A LOT OF THOUGHT.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MOVE,

AND FAST.

MEETING AT MY ROOM TONIGHT AT 10:00.

ARTHUR BENIKER!

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

OH, ABOUT 8 GALLONS, MRS. O'MALLEY.

THINK WE NEED MORE?

WHAT WERE THOSE KIDS DOING IN MY KITCHEN?

THEY DON'T BELONG HERE.

PRECISELY WHAT I THOUGHT, MA'AM.

THAT'S WHY I GOT RID OF THEM.

WELL, PERSONALLY,

I THINK THEY'RE PROBABLY TRYING TO STEAL YOUR RECIPES.

NOBODY MAKES MEAT LOAF LIKE YOU.

THAT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE AROUND HERE.

AND THAT IRISH STEW...

I DO MAKE A NICE STEW, I MUST SAY.

BUT I NEVER THOUGHT ANYONE WOULD TRY TO STEAL IT.

WELL, NOT TO WORRY, MA'AM.

I GOT RID OF THEM.

BESIDES, AS MY GREAT AUNT IDA USED TO SAY,

"IT'S NOT WHAT YOU PUT IN THE POT,

IT'S HOW YOU STIR IT THAT COUNTS."

Arthur: OKAY,

EDMUND WAS PHASE ONE, AND WE GOT BY THAT.

BUT PRETTY SOON,

THEY'RE GOING TO BE OUT TO NAB ANOTHER ONE OF YOU GUYS.

SO WE'RE ON TO PHASE TWO, GETTING OUT OF HERE.

NOW THAT'S GOING TO BE A LOT MORE DANGEROUS,

SO WE GOT TO BE A LOT MORE CAREFUL, OKAY?

LOLA, WHAT ABOUT JAMES? IS HE ASLEEP UP THERE?

NO, NO, HE'S AWAKE.

Edmund: HEY, JAMES, COME ON OUT!

HEY, JAMES!

HE'S OUR UNDERCOVER MAN, OKAY?

BUT I WANT TO TALK TO HIM.

I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN JAMES SINCE EASTER.

HOW DO WE KNOW HE'S STILL IN THERE?

Ben: WHAT'S IT SAY?

IT SAYS...

HI, JAMES!

Arthur: OKAY, COME ON.

PHASE TWO IS GOING TO REQUIRE REAL PRECISION.

WHAT'S A PHASE, ANYWAY?

IT'S LIKE A STEP, PART OF A BIG PLAN, OKAY?

Cassie: PHASE THREE IS THE BEST.

THAT'S WHEN WE'LL ALL BE TOGETHER ALL THE TIME.

YEAH!

LOOK, I JUST FINISHED IT.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE OUR OWN HOUSE

WITH A WHITE PICKET FENCE AND A REAL FRONT PORCH.

Ben: HOW DO YOU KNOW?

Cassie: I JUST KNOW.

I CAN SEE IT.

"MY OWN ROOM" -- JAMES WANTS HIS OWN ROOM.

OKAY, OKAY, WE'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO PHASE TWO NOW.

LOOK, THERE'S NO PROBLEM WITH ME LEAVING,

BECAUSE I'M 18.

I CAN WALK OUT OF HERE ANYTIME I WANT TO.

YOU'RE NOT GOING OUT THERE BY YOURSELF, ARE YOU?

NO, I'VE BEEN ON MY OWN MY WHOLE LIFE.

WHAT I WANT IS A FAMILY.

WE ARE A FAMILY.

Arthur: YEAH, WE KNOW THAT,

BUT NOBODY ELSE DOES.

AND IF WE MESS UP GETTING OUT OF HERE,

THEY'RE NEVER GOING TO LET US BE WITH EACH OTHER AGAIN.

NO ONE'S GOING TO BREAK US UP, NOT ANYBODY.

WE CAN MAKE A PACT LIKE I SAW IN THIS HORROR FILM,

AND SEAL IT WITH OUR BLOOD.

THAT'S KID'S STUFF, EDMUND.

NO, IT ISN'T!

THEY CAN RIP OUT OUR NAILS AND BURN OUT OUR TONGUES,

BUT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

WE HAVE TO SOLEMNLY SWEAR

THAT WE'LL STAY TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER.

WE SWEAR.

Together: WE SWEAR.

OH!

JAMES?

AH!

OKAY, YOU GUYS, COME ON, LET'S BREAK IT UP.

IT'S GETTING LATE. I'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

JUST BE CAREFUL GOING BACK TO YOUR ROOMS, OKAY?

THAT IT?

NO, THERE'S ONE MORE.

"DEAR, LOLA, I'M A 15-YEAR-OLD, AND I HAVE A PROBLEM.

HOW DO YOU LET A BOY KNOW WHEN YOU WANT HIM TO KISS YOU?"

DON'T WE HAVE ANYTHING EASIER, LIKE A DIVORCE OR SOMETHING?

NO, SORRY, LOLA.

GET TO IT AFTER MY COFFEE.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S 5:00.

GET TO IT NOW.

I FOUND YOU A FOSTER FAMILY,

SO I'D LIKE YOU TO GET YOUR THINGS PACKED UP TONIGHT,

AND BE READY BY TOMORROW MORNING.

I DON'T WANT TO.

I WON'T.

HELP YOURSELF.

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

"DEAR LOLA."

THIS GUY WRITES IN AND SAYS

HIS WIFE'S ALWAYS GIVING HIM GRIEF

BECAUSE HE'S LOSING HIS MONEY AT POKER.

AND?

WELL, LOLA SAYS --

ALL RIGHT, JAMES, NOW OR NEVER.

"TAKE A TIP FROM MY GREAT AUNT IDA.

"IT'S NOT WHAT YOU PUT IN THE POT,

IT'S THE WAY YOU STIR IT THAT COUNTS."

ALL SET, JAMES? COME ON.

OW, WATCH IT!

LET'S GO, LET'S MOVE.

HEY, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

COME BACK HERE.

JUST TAKING THE LAUNDRY OUT TO THE TRUCK, MRS. O'MALLEY.

OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.

I SUPPOSE YOU DON'T CALL THAT LAUNDRY.

SURE I DO.

THEN I RECOMMEND THAT YOU TAKE IT, ARTHUR,

OR WE'LL ALL BE WEARING FILTHY APRONS

FOR THE NEXT WEEK.

WE WOULDN'T WANT THAT.

OW!

SHH!

OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, ACT LIKE LAUNDRY.

AH...AH...

EDMUND, DON'T SNEEZE.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

AH-CHOO!

AH-CHOO!

Ben: I'M SCARED, LOLA, IT'S DARK IN HERE.

Cassie: WHERE ARE WE GOING?

Edmund: WHAT'S THE PLAN ANYWAY?

Arthur: SHH. KEEP QUIET, I'LL TELL YOU LATER, ALL RIGHT?

MOVE!

ALL RIGHT, JAMES, LET'S GO!

IT'S JAMES!

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, QUIET.

[ SIREN WAILS ]

WHAT IS THAT?

LOLA, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

DID YOU STEAL THIS VAN?

QUIET!

Arthur: FALSE ALARM, JUST AN AMBULANCE.

STAY DOWN, THOUGH.

Edmund: LUCKY FOR US IT WASN'T THE COPS.

Ben: ARE WE CRIMINALS?

Arthur: NO...WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

Edmund: "NOT EXACTLY."

TELL HIM WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO US IF WE GOT CAUGHT.

NOTHING.

NOTHING.

THEY'D JUST LOCK US IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT

AND FEED US DEAD RATS AND SPIDERS --

EDMUND!

I THOUGHT WE WEREN'T CRIMINALS.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?

WE MADE IT OUT OF ESTHER WATSON.

WE'RE GOING TO KEEP ON MAKING IT, RIGHT, CASS?

CASS?

YEAH, RIGHT.

RIGHT.

Edmund: SO WHERE ARE WE GOING?

Arthur: I DON'T KNOW YET, BUT AS FAR AWAY

FROM ESTHER WATSON AS WE CAN GET.

Edmund: YEAH, BUT WHERE?

Arthur: TO THE COUNTRY.

Ben: ARE WE IN THE COUNTRY YET?

Edmund: DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE COUNTRY?

Arthur: DON'T WORRY,

THE COUNTRY IS A WHOLE LOT PRETTIER THAN THIS.

Edmund: SMELLS BETTER, TOO.

Ben: ARE WE THERE YET? IS THAT OUR HOUSE?

Arthur: NO, BEN, THERE'S STILL A LONG WAY TO GO.

I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

YEAH, OKAY, BEN, GO AHEAD -- HURRY UP THOUGH.

ON SECOND THOUGHT,

I THINK THERE'S A LITTLE BETTER GAS STATION UP THE ROAD.

BUT I HAVE TO GO NOW!

BUT I'M GOING TO EXPLODE!

Arthur: OKAY, HERE YOU GO, BEN.

WE MADE IT.

THIS WILL KEEP THEM FROM FINDING US, RIGHT?

GET SERIOUS, A PAINT JOB IS NOT GOING TO THROW THEM OFF.

IT'LL HELP.

LICENSE PLATES ARE A PROBLEM, BUT...

WE WON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, HUH?

JAMES.

YEAH?

ANYTHING ON THE RADIO ABOUT US?

NOT SO FAR.

GOOD, KEEP LISTENING.

OKAY, DON'T PANIC.

UH, BEN...

DECIDED TO HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE, HUH?

NO, I COULDN'T SLEEP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO?

WHAT?

NO, YOU'LL LAUGH.

NO, I WON'T.

NO, I WON'T, I PROMISE.

WELL, I WANT TO PAINT MY ROOM PINK.

EVERYTHING -- LIKE THE WALLS AND THE FURNITURE

AND THE WINDOWS -- WELL, MAYBE NOT THE WINDOWS.

YOU CAN DO THAT.

WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE WANT.

REALLY?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT NOW?

YOU'LL LAUGH.

NO, I WON'T.

YEAH, YOU PROBABLY WILL.

NO.

I WAS WONDERING WHAT I'D BE DOING

IF YOU LITTLE JERKS WEREN'T AROUND.

WHAT WOULD YOU BE DOING?

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I'M GLAD YOU ARE.

ME, TOO.

MORNING.

MORNING.

LONG WAY FROM HOME, AREN'T YOU?

YES, SIR.

SURE IS BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY OUT HERE.

HOW COME YOU'RE SO FAR FROM HOME?

WELL, WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO A BOY SCOUT JAMBOREE, SIR.

HER, TOO?

HER -- OH, KID SISTER, YOU KNOW,

ALWAYS LIKES TO TAG ALONG, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

SCOUTS, HUH?

YES, SIR, SCOUTS HONOR.

YOU GOT A MERIT BADGE IN TRESPASSING?

NO, SIR.

WELL, LET ME GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE --

AROUND HERE WE DON'T CAMP OUT ON POSTED LAND,

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES, SIR, I CERTAINLY DO.

FOOLISH OF ME NOT TO CHECK.

I JUST SAW THIS BEAUTIFUL GROVE OF PINES HERE,

AND I PULLED IT OVER.

YOU LIKE TREES, DO YOU?

OH, YES, SIR, FACT IS,

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A FOREST RANGER LIKE YOURSELF.

OH, YEAH? WELL, IT'S A GOOD LIFE.

BUT A HARD ONE, SIR.

LET ME TELL YOU,

I'VE GOT A LOT OF ADMIRATION FOR WHAT YOU DO.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THEY THINK WE JUST RIDE AROUND ALL DAY.

WELL, AS MY UNCLE EMIL USED TO SAY, SIR,

"EVERY JOB'S EASY TO THE MAN WHO'S NEVER TRIED THEM."

RIGHT.

LISTEN, KID, IF YOU WANT TO HAVE BREAKFAST HERE,

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

OH, NO, THANKS, SIR, WE'RE ON POSTED LAND.

I KNOW THAT NOW, AND WE'VE GOT TO GET GOING.

THANK YOU, THOUGH.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE IS THIS JAMBOREE ANYWAY?

IT'S IN OMAHA.

OH, WELL, HAVE A GOOD TIME.

OMAHA --

THAT'S OVER 800 MILES FROM HERE.

YOU OKAY, LOLA?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

WE'VE JUST GOT TO BE MORE CAREFUL IS ALL.

I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE GOING

TO A BOY SCOUT JAMBOREE.

THAT'S GREAT!

NO, BEN.

WELL, AREN'T WE?

Edmund: DEAR LOLA, WE'VE BEEN RIDING ALL DAY

IN THE BACK OF A VAN, AND WE WANT SOMETHING TO EAT.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

SIGNED, FOUR STARVING KIDS.

Arthur: DEAR FOUR STARVING KIDS,

WAIT UNTIL YOU GET TO THE NEXT TOWN,

AND GET OFF MY BACK.

Ben: I WANT TO GO TO McDONALD'S!

Cass: NO, BURGER KING!

Edmund: I WANT TO GO TO ROY ROGERS.

Ben: DAIRY QUEEN!

Arthur: WELL, HERE WE ARE.

Kids: THE HAPPY FAMILY?

Edmund: HEY, THERE GOES A DEAD DOG!

THAT'S THE BEST DEAD DOG ALL DAY.

YOU'RE SO GROSS!

HA HA HA!

HEY, LOOK AT THAT COW!

THAT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO A DEAD DOG.

OH, WOW!

HEY, YOU GUYS, LOOK!

LOLA, IT'S YOU!

THERE SHE IS.

THERE'S WHO?

IT'S A PICTURE OF LOLA, PEA-BRAIN.

AW, COME ON, THAT'S NOT LOLA,

THAT'S A LADY.

AS MY DEAR COUSIN EMILY WAS SO FOND OF SAYING,

"JUST BECAUSE A PERSON LOOKS LIKE A LADY,

DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN SHE IS ONE."

Kids: OH, NOT AGAIN!

HEY, QUIT COMPLAINING.

IT'S PAYING FOR YOUR ROOM, ISN'T IT?

[ TYPING ]

HEY, LOLA, LISTEN TO THIS ONE.

LET ME HEAR IT.

MOTHER OF THREE WRITES IN,

AND WANTS TO KNOW HOW TO KEEP

HER KIDS QUIET AT THE DINNER TABLE.

DON'T FEED THEM MRS. O'MALLEY'S MEAT LOAF.

I SAY SHE SHOULD GAG THEM WITH THEIR TABLE NAPKINS.

EDMUND, YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY, REALLY SICK?

OKAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

WELL, IF I WERE HER,

I WOULD JUST TRY TO TALK WITH THEM.

WHAT A SAPPY IDEA.

Arthur: NO, NO, NO.

I THINK YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

LOLA SAYS, "DEAR MOTHER OF THREE,

"IF KEEPING YOUR KIDS QUIET AT THE DINNER TABLE

"IS YOUR TRUE GOAL,

WHY NOT TRY GAGGING THEM WITH THEIR TABLE NAPKINS?"

NOT A BAD IDEA, IF I SAY SO MYSELF.

KEEP READING.

"HOWEVER, IF I WERE YOU,

"I SUGGEST ENGAGING THEM IN CONVERSATION,

"BECAUSE WHOEVER SAID CHILDREN SHOULD BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD,

SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN HEARD HIMSELF."

HEY, YOU FORGOT TO PUT THE PART IN

ABOUT THE MEAT LOAF.

OH, BEN, I'LL GET TO THAT IN NEXT WEEK'S COLUMN.

I STILL DON'T GET IT.

YOU WRITE THE COLUMN,

SO HOW COME YOUR PICTURE'S NOT ON IT?

BECAUSE NOBODY COULD STAND TO LOOK AT IT.

GEE, THANKS, PAL.

COULD SOMEBODY GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER?

BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO TAKE ADVICE

FROM AN 18-YEAR-OLD KID.

I KNOW I WOULDN'T ANYWAY.

Cassie: EDMUND, GROW UP.

Edmund: DEAR LOLA, WE'RE FOUR SLEEPY KIDS

WHO ESCAPED FROM AN ORPHANAGE DISGUISED AS LAUNDRY.

WE OWE EVERYTHING TO A SPECIAL FRIEND,

BUT WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL HIM

HOW MUCH WE LOVE HIM.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

Arthur: DEAR SLEEPY KIDS, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

HE KNOWS.

WHAT'S "SHOW ME" MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW, PROVE IT, I GUESS.

I WANT SOMEBODY TO SHOW ME OUR HOUSE.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE, BEN.

DON'T WORRY, WE'LL FIND OUR PLACE.

SO FAR I HAVEN'T SEEN IT --

CASS, IT MIGHT NOT LOOK JUST LIKE THAT PICTURE.

SURE IT WILL, WE JUST HAVE TO KEEP --

BEN, NO!

HE'S EATING OUR HOUSE!

BUT I WAS HUNGRY.

WHERE ARE WE?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE DRIVING, AREN'T YOU?

I SAID I DON'T KNOW.

[ BOOM! ]

WHAT WAS THAT?

GREAT.

WHAT ARE WE STOPPING FOR NOW?

BECAUSE I GOT A FLAT TIRE.

IT'S LATE AND I'M TIRED -- ANY OBJECTIONS?

GOD.

WE'RE HOME.

WE CAME ALL THIS WAY FOR THIS DUMP?

YOU GUYS, DON'T LOOK AT IT THE WAY IT IS.

YOU'VE GOT TO SEE IT THE WAY IT'S GOING TO BE.

YEAH, WELL I THINK WE SHOULD KEEP LOOKING.

NO, IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO FIND IT,

AND I'M NOT GOING TO LOOK ANYMORE.

I JUST WANT TO BE SOMEPLACE.

YEAH, WELL THIS SURE IS SOME PLACE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, JAMES?

CASSIE IS THE ONE WHO DREAMED UP THE HOUSE.

IF SHE SAYS THIS IS IT, THIS IS IT.

Arthur: HEY, GUYS,

I GOT THE RENT DOWN BY TELLING THE LADY

I HAVE A LOT OF EXPERIENCE FIXING UP OLD HOUSES.

WHEN WAS THAT?

WELL, I FIGURE I WILL

AFTER WE GET FINISHED WITH THIS PLACE.

WE'VE GOT TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS OURSELVES,

BUT, I DON'T KNOW, IT SHOULDN'T BE --

EDMUND, YOU WANT TO TAKE CARE OF THAT?

[ WHISTLING ]

[ THUMP THUMP ]

HEY, JAMES, YOU WANT MARSHMALLOWS ON YOUR PIZZA?

[ THUMP THUMP THUMP ]

GOTCHA.

COMING UP.

Ben: I GOT MORE MARSHMALLOWS THAN YOU DID.

Edmund: YOU DID NOT, BEN, STOP!

BOMBS AWAY!

HEY, CUT IT OUT, COME ON!

BEN, CASSIE, COOL IT. I'M TRYING TO WORK.

JUST EAT QUIETLY, ALL RIGHT?

AHEM.

WHAT IS IT?

CAN I SAY SOMETHING?

ALL RIGHT, BUT I'M WARNING YOU.

WHOEVER SAID CHILDREN SHOULD BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD

SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN HEARD HIMSELF.

EDMUND, LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE PIECE OF ADVICE.

DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ IN NEWSPAPERS.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

BEN, NO!

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T!

I THOUGHT WE COULD DO ANYTHING WE WANTED.

I KIND OF LIKE IT.

LOLA...

NEEDS A LITTLE YELLOW.

YELLOW!

DON'T YOU LIKE THE SUN?

YES, I LOVE THE SUN.

HEY, EDMUND, I LIKE THE WAY YOU SPELLED "ESTHER."

NO, IT'S NOT -- IT'S E-S-T-H-E-R.

CASSIE, COME ON, HURRY UP!

BEFORE I DEDICATE THIS HOUSE,

I'D LIKE TO READ A LITTLE POEM JAMES HAS WRITTEN.

"AT FIRST IT LOOKED HOPELESS, BUT NEVERTHELESS,

"WE FIXED AND WE PAINTED AND CLEANED UP THE MESS.

"SO NOW WE CAN SAY WITHOUT FEAR OF DISGRACE,

THIS HOUSE SHALL BE KNOWN AS THE BENIKER PLACE."

MAY WE LIVE HERE IN PEACE AND HAPPINESS

AS LONG AS WE LIKE.

YAY! YAY!

GREAT!

HI.

HI.

YOU LIVE HERE?

UH-HUH, THE BIG HOUSE OVER ON RIVER ROAD

WITH THE PICKET FENCE.

OH, THAT PLACE.

WE FIXED IT UP.

HI.

HI.

MY NAME'S ORIE. WHAT'S YOURS?

EDMUND.

THAT YOUR SISTER OVER THERE?

NO -- UH, YEAH.

THAT'S MINE SHE'S TALKING TO.

SHE'S A REAL WEASEL.

YEAH?

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

13.

ME, TOO. WE'LL BE IN THE SAME CLASS AT SCHOOL.

OH, I PROBABLY WON'T BE GOING TO SCHOOL.

WHY NOT?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT SCHOOL YET.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, ANYWAY?

CASSIE BENIKER.

MINE'S MOLLY STAMWICK.

MY PARENTS ARE TEACHERS AT THE HIGH SCHOOL.

DADDY SAID SOMEONE MOVED INTO THE COLEMAN DUMP.

IT'S NOT A DUMP. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

WELL, DON'T GET SO HUFFY.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI TO YOU, THAT'S ALL.

I'VE GOT TO GO NOW.

BYE.

EXCUSE ME!

[ FIGHTING ]

[ CRASH ]

OH, HELLO.

I'M MRS. STAMWICK. WE'RE NEIGHBORS.

OH.

THIS IS A PINEAPPLE UPSIDE-DOWN CAKE.

IS YOUR MOTHER HOME?

PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME?

WELL, UH, MAYBE JUST FOR A MINUTE.

LOOKS DELICIOUS.

DID YOU BAKE IT YOURSELF?

WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?

WELL, WE DON'T HAVE PARENTS, MA'AM.

THEY DIED.

OH, I'M SORRY.

I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT IN FRONT OF THE --

I UNDERSTAND.

I KNEW YOU WOULD.

I CAN TELL YOU'RE VERY UNDERSTANDING.

BUT YOU MUST HAVE A GUARDIAN.

OF COURSE.

OF COURSE, WE DO.

SURE WE DO.

WHO IS IT?

OUR GUARDIAN IS OUR GRANDFATHER.

WHERE IS HE?

HE'S UPSTAIRS.

I'D LOVE TO MEET HIM.

HE'D LOVE TO MEET YOU, MA'AM,

BUT HE'S NOT FEELING WELL.

HIS WIFE PASSED AWAY FIVE MONTHS AGO.

OUR GRANDMOTHER.

POOR MAN.

HE NEEDS TO MEET PEOPLE YOUR AGE.

WHAT?

I'M SURE HE'D LOVE TO MEET YOU MA'AM.

WELL, I JUST WANTED TO WELCOME YOU ALL TO SWEET RIVER.

THANK YOU.

YOU'LL TELL YOUR GRANDFATHER I CALLED?

OH, YES.

GOODBYE, NOW.

YOU'LL BE SEEING ME AGAIN, I'M SURE.

BYE!

BYE.

BYE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU LOOK MAD.

I'M NOT MAD -- NOT AT YOU.

SHE WAS NOSING AROUND, WASN'T SHE?

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?

WELL, FROM NOW ON WE'RE GOING TO MAKE SURE

WE DON'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES.

CASS?

CASSIE, COME ON, TIME TO GET UP!

WHY?

YOU KNOW WHY, FOR SCHOOL.

SCHOOL?

COME ON, DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME, CASS,

WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS. LET'S GO.

LOLA!

COME ON!

I'M NOT GOING. I CAN'T. I'M TOO BUSY.

I DON'T HAVE THE TIME.

CASSIE --

AS MY GREAT AUNT SOPHIE USED TO SAY --

DON'T PULL THAT ROUTINE ON ME.

JUST GET YOUR CLOTHES ON.

SO, I GUESS YOU'RE GOING TO SCHOOL AFTER ALL.

MY MOM STOPPED BY YOUR HOUSE THE OTHER DAY.

SHE SAID SHE'D NEVER SEEN ANYTHING QUITE LIKE IT,

NOT EVEN AT A CARNIVAL.

WHERE DID YOU LIVE BEFORE YOU CAME HERE?

WELL, UM, WE MOVED AROUND A LOT.

WHERE?

ISN'T THE BUS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE BY NOW?

HEY, CUT THAT OUT!

YOU BENIKERS ARE REALLY WEIRD.

[ BELL RINGING ]

LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN.

[ SNICKERING ]

ARE THOSE YOUR CLOTHES OR YOUR BROTHER'S CLOTHES?

BOY'S CORDUROYS?

I WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD IN THOSE.

COME ON, CASS, DON'T LET THEM GET TO YOU.

HOW DID IT GO?

AWFUL.

IT WAS WORSE THAN ESTHER WATSON.

NOBODY TALKED TO US.

THEY WHISPERED AND POINTED AT US.

YOU KNOW WHY?

THEY'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE YOU GUYS BEFORE.

YOU'RE UNIQUE.

SAVE IT FOR THE COLUMN, LOLA.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, CASS?

HOW COME I HAVEN'T GOT A SISTER?

IT'S JUST ME AND FOUR BOYS.

MOLLY STAMWICK SAID --

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

SHE SAID SHE THOUGHT I WAS A BOY.

OH, CASS.

I EXPECT SHE JUST SAID THAT

BECAUSE SHE WAS TRYING TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT MY GREAT AUNT IDA USED TO SAY?

UNH-UNH.

"STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES,

BUT WORDS HURT WORSE THAN ANYTHING."

SHE WAS RIGHT.

YEP.

YOU KNOW, FOR AN ORPHAN,

YOU SURE HAD AN AWFUL LOT OF RELATIVES.

THAT'S BECAUSE, WHEN I WAS A KID,

I SPENT SO MUCH TIME MAKING THEM UP.

REALLY?

THEY'RE ALL MADE UP?

EVEN GREAT AUNT IDA?

EVEN GREAT AUNT IDA.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I THINK

IMAGINARY RELATIVES ARE THE BEST KIND.

HOW COME?

WELL, FOR ONE THING, THEY DON'T DESERT YOU.

JUST WONDERING ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF

YOU'RE GETTING SO REGULAR.

NOW, IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS, OF COURSE --

THAT'S RIGHT.

BOXES AND ENVELOPES -- ALWAYS FOR MR. ARTHUR BENIKER.

ALL ON THE UP-AND-UP IS IT?

SURE, IT'S JUST PLAIN STUFF.

COUPLE YEARS AGO, A FELLOW SENT A BOMB THROUGH THE MAIL --

BOX JUST ABOUT THIS SIZE.

FELT LIKE IT WHEN YOU SHOOK IT, TOO.

YOU SHAKE OUR MAIL?

NO LAW AGAINST IT.

JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THERE'S NO SHENANIGANS GOING ON.

WELL, WE'VE BEEN PICKING UP LOLA'S -- ARTHUR'S MAIL

AROUND HERE FOR A MONTH NOW.

IF IT WERE A BOMB, I GUESS IT WOULD HAVE GONE OFF.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, YOUNG LADY.

WE JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IN OUR TOWN.

IT'S UP TO PUBLIC OFFICIALS LIKE ME TO MAKE SURE THAT

EVERYTHING'S ON THE UP-AND-UP.

WELL, WE'RE ON THE UP-AND-UP.

UH-HUH.

ALL I CAN SAY IS, YOU BETTER BE.

DON'T WANT NO TROUBLEMAKERS AROUND HERE.

LOOK, IT'S A SMALL TOWN,

THAT'S WHAT WE WANTED, ISN'T IT?

WE JUST HAVE TO BE EXTRA CAREFUL

NOT TO CALL ANY ATTENTION TO OURSELVES.

BE NICE TO EVERYBODY, OKAY?

AND YOU STAY OUT OF TROUBLE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT US, LOLA.

GET A WHIFF OF THOSE BENIKERS.

I KNOW, WHOO!

NOW I'VE REALLY LOST MY APPETITE.

DOESN'T YOUR MOM EVER GIVE YOU A BATH?

HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL ME WHAT I DID WAS STUPID?

I FIGURED YOU KNEW THAT ALREADY.

[ BELL RINGING ]

Man: LET'S SEE, BENIKER, EDMUND, BENIKER, BEN --

AH, CASSANDRA.

NOW, THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU, IT'S ABOUT YOUR BROTHER.

EDMUND?

HE DIDN'T PICK THAT FIGHT, SIR.

NO, NO, THE OTHER ONE -- BENJAMIN.

BEN?

BENJAMIN BENIKER, GRADE 2.

HE ATE SOMETHING.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

I CALLED YOU DOWN BECAUSE I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU

BEFORE I CALLED IN YOUR PARENTS.

SOMETIMES, WHEN A CHILD SHOWS CRIMINAL TENDENCIES --

BEN?

A BROTHER OR SISTER CAN BE HELPFUL

IN IDENTIFYING THE EMOTIONAL CAUSE.

IN OTHER WORDS, I NEED YOUR HELP.

YOU THINK HE STOLE SOMETHING?

MANY THINGS -- TEXTBOOKS, ART SUPPLIES,

A PAPIER-MACHE MODEL OF AN IGLOO.

SIR, HE DIDN'T STEAL THOSE THINGS, I'M SURE OF IT.

OH, NO?

NO, HE ATE THEM.

HE WHAT?

HE EATS PAPER.

A WHOLE TEXTBOOK? AN ENTIRE IGLOO?

AT HOME, WE TRY TO WATCH HIM.

HE HARDLY EVER DOES IT AROUND US ANYMORE.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL IN YOUR PARENTS AFTER ALL.

YOU CAN'T.

THANK YOU, CASSANDRA.

I'M AFRAID THE SITUATION

IS EVEN MORE TROUBLING THAN I REALIZED.

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH, YES, SIR.

WELL, I'M SURE EDMUND DIDN'T MEAN TO SPRAIN

YOUR SON'S WRIST, MR. WALLACE.

YES, I WILL, SIR.

YOU JUST SEND ME THE BILL.

OKAY. OKAY, BYE.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ RING ]

[ RING ]

HELLO.

OH, HI, MRS. -- MRS. STAMWICK.

I'M FINE. HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD.

A BAD INFLUENCE ON ORIE?

NO, I DON'T --

I DON'T THINK EDMUND WOULD --

YES, I WILL.

I'LL LET GRANDFATHER KNOW.

HE CAN BE VERY STERN ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS.

YES, MA'AM, VERY STERN. OKAY.

OKAY, FINE.

[ RING RING ]

[ RING RING ]

HELLO.

PRINCIPAL STODDARD.

NO, THIS IS BEN'S OLDER BROTHER ARTHUR, SIR.

WE DON'T HAVE PARENTS.

OH, OUR GRANDFATHER.

NOW? SURE.

OKAY, HOLD ON.

GRANDPA, TELEPHONE.

HE'LL BE WITH YOU IN ONE SECOND, SIR.

OKAY, HOLD ON.

[ As old man ] HELLO?

[ COUGH ]

BEN'S PAPER EATING. WE SHOULD HAVE WARNED YOU.

[ WHEEZING ]

[ COUGHING ]

[ As himself ] SIR, GRANDPA'S NOT FEELING TOO GOOD TODAY.

MAYBE YOU COULD TRY BACK ANOTHER DAY.

SURE. OKAY.

I'LL TELL HIM THAT.

OKAY, THANK YOU.

BYE-BYE.

* OH-WEE-OH *

* WO-OH *

HEY, LOLA, LOOK.

CAN WE GO? CAN WE GO?

CAN WE?

[ Angrily ] CAN YOU GO?

DID I TELL YOU KIDS TO STAY OUT OF TROUBLE,

OR DIDN'T I?

HUH?

WHAT HAPPENS?

YOU SPRAIN A KID'S WRIST,

YOU EAT AN IGLOO.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SPRAIN HIS WRIST.

HE SAID WE SMELLED.

I COULDN'T HELP --

THE PROBLEM IS, YOU GUYS CANNOT GET AWAY WITH IT.

OKAY, MAYBE MOST KIDS COULD, BUT YOU CAN'T.

WE'VE GOT TOO MUCH TO LOSE.

LET'S FACE IT.

IF THESE PEOPLE WANT TO MAKE TROUBLE FOR US,

IT'S NOT GOING TO BE TOO HARD TO DO.

YOU'VE GOT TO PROMISE ME YOU WON'T DO

ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN, OKAY?

I PROMISE, LOLA.

I'M NOT GOING TO EAT PAPER EVER AGAIN.

I GOT IT!

WHAT'S WITH YOU?

I'M GOING TO BE AN ICE CREAM CONE

FOR THE HALLOWEEN PARTY.

YEAH, WELL, I'M GOING TO BE A SLIMY, GREEN OCTOPUS

WITH EIGHT CREEPY TENTACLES.

HOW ABOUT YOU, CASS?

I'M NOT GOING.

WHY NOT?

WHY DON'T YOU BE A COWBOY OR SOMETHING?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO, THAT'S WHY.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A COWBOY,

OR ANY KIND OF A BOY.

* I WAS WORKING IN THE LAB LATE ONE NIGHT *

* WHEN MY EYES BEHELD AN EERIE SIGHT *

* FOR MY MONSTER FROM THE SLAB BEGAN TO RISE *

* AND SUDDENLY... *

THIS PLACE IS UNREAL!

THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S HALLOWEEN.

[ Cackling ] YA HA HA HA!

YOU SURE YOU'RE FEELING OKAY, CASS?

YEAH. COME ON, BOYS, LET'S GO SCARE SOMEBODY.

YEAH!

* THEY DID THE MASH *

* THEY DID THE MONSTER MASH *

* FROM MY LABORATORY IN THE CASTLE EAST *

* TO THE MASTER BEDROOM WHERE THE VAMPIRES FEAST *

* THE GHOULS ALL CAME FROM THEIR HUMBLE ABODE *

* TO GET A JOLT FROM MY ELECTRODES *

HEY, CASSIE, THAT COSTUME IS GREAT!

THANKS, ORIE.

ARE YOU A GOOD WITCH OR A BAD WITCH?

A BAD WITCH, OF COURSE.

WHERE'S EDMUND?

HE'S OVER THERE, SHOWING OFF HIS TENTACLES.

HIS WHAT?

* THE ZOMBIES WERE HAVING FUN *

* FOR THE PARTY HAD JUST BEGUN *

I WONDER WHO THAT IS.

EDMUND,

THAT'S EXCELLENT!

LOOK AT THIS.

THAT'S CASSIE.

WOW! ISN'T THAT DRESS GREAT?

* THE COFFIN BAGGERS WERE ABOUT TO ARRIVE *

* WITH THEIR VOCAL GROUP *

* THE CRYPT KICKER FIVE *

* THEY PLAYED THE MASH *

* THEY PLAYED THE MONSTER MASH *

I CAN HARDLY WAIT!

NATIONAL TV, RIGHT HERE IN SWEET RIVER!

THIS OUGHT TO PUT OUR SCHOOL RIGHT ON THE MAP.

JUST MAKE SURE MY MOLLY IS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.

I JUST HOPE THE TV CAMERAS DON'T FRIGHTEN THE CHILDREN.

OKAY, NOW, BOYS AND GIRLS,

IT'S TIME TO ANNOUNCE THE WINNERS

OF THIS YEAR'S COSTUME CONTEST.

BUT BEFORE WE DO THAT,

I WANT EVERYONE TO GIVE A HAND

TO MRS. SEAVER AND THE EIGHTH GRADE CLASS

FOR THE GREAT JOB THEY DID DECORATING THE GYM.

COME ON.

[ APPLAUSE ]

OKAY, NOW, FOR THE PRIZES.

FIRST, FOR THE SCARIEST COSTUME,

THE WINNER IS ALVIN MacINEARNEY.

[ CHEERING ]

BOY, JUST LOOK AT THAT, HUH?

IF IT DOESN'T SCARE YOU TOO MUCH.

ALVIN WINS TWO FREE GAMES OF MINIATURE GOLF,

COURTESY OF THE HOLE-IN-ONE FUN GOLF COURSE

AT THE INTERSECTION OF I-44.

[ CHEERING ]

AND NOW, NOW, NOW,

FOR THE MOST ORIGINAL COSTUME,

THE WINNER IS EDMUND BENIKER.

[ CHEERING ]

AND EDMUND GETS HIS CHOICE OF FIVE TROPICAL FISH

AT THE MAIN STREET PET STORE.

[ CHEERING ]

AND FINALLY,

FOR THE FUNNIEST COSTUME,

OH, MY GOSH, IT LOOKS LIKE A REAL FAMILY NIGHT TONIGHT.

BENJAMIN BENIKER.

ALL RIGHT, BEN!

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

THERE YOU GO.

AND BENJAMIN IS GOING TO BE DRIVEN

ALL THE WAY TO ST. LOUIS,

WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE

ON THE "KIKI THE CLOWN"

TELEVISION SHOW ON CHANNEL 6.

[ APPLAUSE ]

YAY, BEN!

I'M SURE --

I'M SURE THAT YOU'VE ALL SEEN

THE TELEVISION CAMERA.

NOW IT'S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.

ROGER DEAN, FROM THE TELEVISION SHOW "AMERICA TODAY..."

OH, NO!

IS HERE MAKING A SPECIAL ON OUR HALLOWEEN PARTY.

LET'S ALL GIVE HIM A BIG, WARM WELCOME.

[ APPLAUSE ]

AND ALVIN, BEN, AND EDMUND,

I'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE OFF YOUR MASKS

AND LET THE TV FOLKS SHOW WHAT YOU REALLY LOOK LIKE.

COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

YOU'RE GOING TO BE ON TV!

I HEARD HIM.

NATIONAL TV. GET IT?

ESTHER WATSON.

YOU MIGHT BE RECOGNIZED!

COME ON, BEN, LET'S SPLIT.

HEY, COME BACK HERE!

WHERE DO YOU KIDS THINK -- COME BACK!

MR. STODDARD SAID YOU GUYS HAVE RUINED

THE HALLOWEEN PARTY FOR EVERYBODY.

AND MOM SAID THERE HAD BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE

SINCE YOU GUYS MOVED IN.

AND MR. GREAVES FROM THE POST OFFICE SAID

YOU GOT STRANGE BOXES THAT MAYBE HAD BOMBS IN THEM.

OH, NO!

THAT'S NOT THE WORST PART.

MOLLY TOLD MOM SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE

YOU GUYS HAVE A GRANDFATHER.

ANYWAY, I SAID, "OF COURSE YOU DO."

MR. STODDARD ASKED IF I'D SEEN HIM,

AND I SAID NO,

BUT I'D SEEN CASSIE TAKING HIS FOOD

UP TO HIS ROOM SOMETIMES.

GOOD FOR YOU.

DOESN'T HE EVER COME OUT?

NO.

WELL, ANYWAY, THEY'RE ALL COMING OVER TO TALK TO YOU.

WHEN?

FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

JAMES!

YOU'VE GOT TO COME DOWNSTAIRS NOW.

IT'S IMPORTANT!

WHY DON'T WE JUST TELL THEM

GRANDPA WENT ON A TRIP OR SOMETHING?

NO, IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT.

THEY'LL KNOW WE'RE LYING.

[ WHISPERING ]

NO, THAT WON'T WORK.

WHAT?

JAMES SAYS I COULD PLAY GRANDFATHER.

WE COULD MAKE ME UP TO LOOK OLD.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!

NO, WE DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT MAKEUP.

I DO.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL USE.

CLOWN WHITE,

MOIST ROUGE NUMBER 3, A VERY PALE PANCAKE.

NO GREASE PAINT. IT'S TOO OBVIOUS.

IT'S 2:00 IN THE MORNING. WHERE WILL WE GET THEM?

I CAN HANDLE IT.

WELL, I'M NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT.

I'M TOO NERVOUS.

I'M GOING TO SHAKE LIKE A LEAF.

OF COURSE YOU'LL SHAKE.

SICK OLD MEN LIKE GRANDFATHER ALWAYS SHAKE.

[ SIGH ]

HOLD STILL.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

JAMES?

MM-HMM.

I DON'T MEAN TO DISTURB YOU OR ANYTHING,

BUT COULD YOU JUST TELL ME ONE THING?

MM-HMM.

HOW COME YOU KNOW ABOUT MAKEUP AND ALL?

DID YOU USED TO BE A MOVIE STAR OR SOMETHING?

I WAS BORN IN A CARNIVAL.

I DIDN'T KNOW MY FATHER.

MY MOM DID THIS TRAPEZE THING.

IT WAS A TRAVELING SHOW.

WOW!

IT WASN'T GLAMOROUS.

IT WAS A CHEAP CARNIE.

THAT'S WHERE YOU LEARNED ABOUT MAKEUP AND STUFF.

WELL, YEAH,

FROM CLOWNS...

MY MOTHER.

BUT YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT,

SO YOU LEFT?

NO, NOT EXACTLY.

SEE, THE OWNER OF THE CARNIE

WANTED TO MARRY MY MOM,

SAID HE'D BUILD UP HER ACT,

GIVE HER A SOLO SPOT.

BUT...

BUT WHAT?

IT WAS SORT OF HIM OR ME,

SO...

ONE MORNING I WOKE UP...

AND...

CARNIES MOVE ON, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S WHAT THEY DO. THEY MOVE ON.

AND SOMETIMES...

SOMETIMES PEOPLE GET LEFT BEHIND.

WELL, ANYWAY, IT WAS LUCKY FOR US.

YEAH, I GUESS.

I JUST GOT TO PRAY THAT OUR LUCK HOLDS.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

[ KNOCKING ]

OH, MY GOODNESS, WHAT A SURPRISE!

GOOD MORNING, CASSANDRA.

GOOD MORNING.

[ SNORING ]

WE'D LIKE TO TALK

TO YOUR GRANDFATHER, IF WE MAY.

COME ON IN. HE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM.

[ SNORING ]

GRAMPS, WE HAVE VISITORS!

GRAMPS!

GRAMPS!

HE'S AWAKE.

YOU CAN COME ON IN NOW.

GOOD MORNING, MR. BENIKER.

THIS IS EDITH STAMWICK, YOUR NEIGHBOR.

MR. WILMOT GREAVES, THE POSTMASTER.

AND MY NAME IS ARNOLD STODDARD.

I'M PRINCIPAL OF THE SWEET RIVER SCHOOL.

CIGAR?

UH, NO, THANK YOU.

DO YOU KNOW HOW OFTEN THE SWEET RIVER SCHOOL

GETS A CHANCE TO BE ON NATIONAL TV?

NO.

ONCE IN A LIFETIME.

NOW, WHICH ONE OF THOSE KIDS IS THE OCTOPUS?

Greaves: I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BOMBS.

WILMOT, PLEASE!

JUST LET ME SPEAK.

MR. BENIKER, WE HAVE A NON-ADJUSTMENT PROBLEM HERE.

WE HAVE DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR HERE.

WE HAVE A HOME SITUATION

WHICH, IF I MAY SPEAK FRANKLY,

IS, WELL...

QUESTIONABLE.

QUESTIONABLE?

[ SOBBING ]

I'M SORRY,

I DON'T WANT TO BREAK DOWN IN FRONT OF YOU FOLKS.

IT'S JUST WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT THESE WONDERFUL KIDS.

DO YOU KNOW THEY FIXED UP THIS ENTIRE HOUSE THEMSELVES?

THEY GET THEIR OWN MEALS,

NURSED ME WHEN I WAS SICK.

WHEN MY DEAR WIFE CORA,

GOD REST HER SOUL, PASSED ON,

HER LAST WORDS TO ME WERE, "TAKE CARE OF THE CHILDREN."

WELL, I'M HERE TO TELL YOU FOLKS,

THESE KIDS TAKE CARE OF ME.

NOW, THEY MAY NOT BE PERFECT, BUT THEY'RE...

DAMN NEAR!

WELL, I, UH...

I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHY THEY RAN OUT ON THE HALLOWEEN PARTY.

I IMPOSED A CURFEW, MR. STODDARD.

THAT MAY BE OLD-FASHIONED OF ME.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

WHAT'S IN THEM BOXES YOUR GRANDSON GETS?

NO DOUBT YOU WONDER ABOUT PEOPLE'S MAIL.

I WOULD, TOO, IF I WERE THE POSTMASTER.

WELL, I...

IT'S MY RESEARCH, SIR.

I'M DOING A BOOK

ABOUT THE LIFE CYCLE...

OF THE CUTWORM.

THE WHAT?

THE CUTWORM.

SPELL IT LIKE IT SOUNDS --

C-U-T WORM.

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO READ MY MANUSCRIPT.

I'VE ALREADY ACCUMULATED SOME 1,357 PAGES.

OH, THANKS ANYWAY.

I, UH...

I...

THINK WE'VE BOTHERED YOU LONG ENOUGH.

YOU'LL FORGIVE US, MR. BENIKER,

FOR INTERRUPTING YOUR MORNING?

AH, THINK NOTHING OF IT.

AH.

SHE SAW.

NO, SHE DIDN'T.

SURE, SHE DID.

SHE DIDN'T, DID SHE?

SHE SAW.

NO!

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?

IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

I HAD A NIGHTMARE.

THE WHOLE HOUSE WAS COMING APART.

HEY, NO.

CASS, IT'S NOT COMING APART.

COME ON.

HEY, I GOT A PLAN.

WHAT?

CAN'T TELL YOU YET, BUT I GOT ONE.

OH.

YOU MUST BE CASSIE.

WHO ARE YOU?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I ASKED YOU FIRST.

WELL, YES, YOU DID. I'M MISS NICKERSON.

THIS IS MR. ULBRICH.

WE'RE FROM --

SOCIAL SERVICE, YEAH, WE KNOW.

WE WANTED TO TALK TO YOUR BROTHER ARTHUR,

BUT HE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE AT HOME.

WE'RE GOING TO TAKE ALL YOU CHILDREN TO A SHELTER.

AAH! OH! HE BIT ME!

OW!

HOLD IT!

ROGER, SHE'S GOT A HOSE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THEY'RE FROM CHILD WELFARE.

I'M SORRY,

I'M ARTHUR BENIKER, THEIR BROTHER.

WE HAVE A COURT ORDER FOR THESE CHILDREN.

SO DO I. IT'S A SHOW CAUSE.

YOU'VE GOT TO PROVE WHY I CAN'T KEEP THEM.

WE'RE GOING TO COURT.

[ TYPING ]

[ SIGH ]

HEY, LOLA, THAT WAS GREAT THE WAY

YOU GOT RID OF THOSE SOCIAL WORKERS, HUH?

YEAH.

WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHING.

NOTHING.

NOTHING.

[ SIGH ]

WELL, GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

YEAH, GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

LOLA JUST SITS THERE WITH HIS HEAD DOWN.

HE'S BEHIND WITH HIS WORK ON THE COLUMN.

I KNOW IT.

I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD HELP HIM.

IT'S NOT THE COLUMN HE'S REALLY WORRIED ABOUT.

IT'S THE HEARING.

WHY?

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS SHOW THEM

THAT WE CAN BE OKAY, RIGHT?

NOT QUITE.

YOU SEE, LOLA'S GOT TO PROVE

THAT HE'S FIT TO BE OUR GUARDIAN.

AND IF HE CAN'T...

[ CRYING ]

BEN, DON'T CRY.

HEY, BEN, I'M SORRY.

DON'T WORRY.

REMEMBER WHEN WE MADE OUR BLOOD VOW TO BE TOGETHER?

[ CRYING ]

COME ON, WE WILL.

WE'VE COME THIS FAR.

NOBODY'S GOING TO BREAK US UP NOW.

ALL RISE.

COURT IS IN SESSION.

THE HONORABLE JUDGE DONALD PINK PRESIDING.

[ BANGS GAVEL ]

WE HAVE A MOTION IN THE MATTER

OF ARTHUR BENIKER v. THE SOCIAL SERVICES DEPARTMENT.

ARE ALL PARTIES PRESENT?

THE PETITIONER IS READY, YOUR HONOR.

THE RESPONDENT WOULD LIKE A WORD WITH YOUR HONOR.

PLEASE STEP UP TO THE BENCH.

YOUR HONOR, THESE CHILDREN WERE ALL RESIDENTS...

WHO'S HE?

HE'S THE ATTORNEY FOR CHILD WELFARE.

Pink: IS IT TRUE, MR. BENIKER,

THAT YOU AND THESE CHILDREN

WERE RESIDENTS OF AN INSTITUTION

CALLED THE ESTHER WATSON MEMORIAL HALL

IN THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY?

FROM WHICH YOU RAN AWAY THIS PAST SUMMER?

IS THAT TRUE?

YES, SIR, EXCEPT I DON'T BELIEVE RUNNING AWAY

IS THE PROPER TERM.

WE LEFT BECAUSE WE WANTED TO BE TOGETHER.

WE DIDN'T WANT TO BE SEPARATED.

WELL, NOW THAT WE HAVE ASCERTAINED THESE FACTS,

I THINK WE MAY HEAR YOUR PETITION.

WOULD YOU PLEASE STATE

YOUR NAME, ADDRESS, AND OCCUPATION?

ARTHUR BENIKER, RIVER ROAD.

OCCUPATION?

NEWSPAPER COLUMNIST.

I BEG PARDON?

I'M A NEWSPAPER COLUMNIST.

BY WHAT PAPER ARE YOU EMPLOYED, MR. BENIKER?

WELL, I'M A SYNDICATED NEWSPAPER COLUMNIST, SIR.

MY COLUMN RUNS IN 437 PAPERS NATIONALLY.

UNDER YOUR OWN BYLINE, MR. BENIKER?

NO, SIR.

WELL, UNDER WHAT BYLINE, THEN?

"DEAR LOLA."

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

ALL THAT MAIL! WHO'S "DEAR LOLA"?

[ BANGS GAVEL ]

QUIET, PLEASE.

MR. BENIKER,

YOU'RE UNDER OATH.

YES, SIR, I KNOW.

YOU -- YOU ARE "DEAR LOLA"?

I READ "DEAR LOLA."

THAT IS, UH, MY WIFE READS "DEAR LOLA."

WELL, A LOT OF PEOPLE DO, SIR.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHY IT'S A GOOD JOB.

STILL AMAZES ME HOW MANY PEOPLE READ IT.

UH, I STARTED WRITING FOR A LITTLE LOCAL PAPER.

USED TO BE THERE WAS A WOMAN WHO WROTE THE COLUMN.

HERS IS THE PICTURE ON THE LOGO.

AND AFTER SHE DIED, I TOOK OVER THE BYLINE.

I WAS ABOUT 15 THEN.

I JUST KEPT GETTING MORE AND MORE LETTERS,

TILL MY COLUMN WENT INTO SYNDICATION.

Mrs. Stamwick: WHAT NONSENSE!

I'VE READ "DEAR LOLA" FOR TWO YEARS.

THAT WOMAN HAS SUCH UNDERSTANDING,

SUCH FEELING.

[ BANGS GAVEL ]

SILENCE. SILENCE.

NOW, MR. BENIKER,

I HAVE READ YOUR PETITION,

BUT WE CANNOT PROCEED FURTHER IN THIS COURT

UNTIL WE HAVE A VERIFICATION

OF THIS RATHER BIZARRE CLAIM OF YOURS.

COURT IS ADJOURNED TILL TOMORROW MORNING AT 8:00.

AND ON WALL STREET,

STOCKS DRIFTED LOWER IN MODERATE TRADING.

AND THAT WRAPS UP THE BUSINESS NEWS.

WE'VE JUST BEEN NOTIFIED THAT THE "DEAR LOLA" COLUMN

HAS BEEN DROPPED BY THE RAND NEWSPAPER SYNDICATE.

IT WAS REVEALED TODAY DURING A CHILD CUSTODY HEARING

IN SWEET RIVER, MISSOURI,

THAT THE AUTHOR OF THE POPULAR ADVICE COLUMN

IS IN FACT AN 18-YEAR-OLD BOY BY THE NAME OF ARTHUR BENIKER.

A RAND SPOKESMAN REFUSED TO OFFER FURTHER COMMENT

ON THIS UNUSUAL SITUATION.

THE COLUMN HAS BEEN A FAVORITE OF READERS

FROM COAST TO COAST FOR THE LAST SEVERAL YEARS.

[ TURNS OFF TV ]

I'M HERE, TODAY, YOUR HONOR,

TO EXPLAIN WHY THE AUTHORITIES HAVE NO CAUSE

TO SEPARATE ME AND THE CHILDREN.

FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND THIS, I HAVE TO BACK UP A BIT,

AND TELL YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF AND HOW I GREW UP.

THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER

WAS LIVING OVER A BAR IN BROOKLYN.

OBJECTION.

YOUR HONOR, I DON'T SEE HOW THIS IS RELEVANT.

I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR ANYTHING MR. BENIKER FEELS

IS RELATED TO THE SITUATION.

OVERRULED.

THANK YOU, SIR.

EVEN BACK THEN,

I NEVER HAD ANYBODY I CALLED MOM OR DAD.

SOMETIMES PEOPLE LOOKED OUT FOR ME FOR A LITTLE WHILE,

BUT NEVER FOR VERY LONG.

MOSTLY I LOOKED OUT FOR MYSELF.

I HAD TO.

THE THING IS, I NEVER KNEW FAMILY.

EVERYBODY I KNEW DIED OR DISAPPEARED.

THEY DIED OR DISAPPEARED.

I MEAN, THAT'S JUST THE WAY I FIGURED LIFE WAS.

I REMEMBER ONE SUMMER I USED TO GO

HANG OUT AT THIS OLD WAREHOUSE.

A LOT OF KIDS USED TO GO THERE AND TALK ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS --

YOU KNOW, FAMILY PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS I DIDN'T HAVE.

AND THEY SAID I WAS COOL, HAH!

BECAUSE I COULD DO WHATEVER I WANTED.

ONLY I DIDN'T FIGURE IT THAT WAY.

THEY HAD PEOPLE THEY STAYED WITH ALL THE TIME,

NOT JUST A MONTH HERE OR A COUPLE WEEKS THERE.

I MEAN, PEOPLE CARED ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM.

ANYWAY,

AFTER I'D BEEN WRITING THE COLUMN FOR A LITTLE WHILE,

I GOT TURNED IN.

THESE GUYS FROM SOCIAL SERVICE CAME

AND TOOK ME TO A PLACE CALLED ESTHER WATSON HALL,

AND THAT'S WHERE I MET CASSIE AND BEN.

THEY WERE THERE BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS HAD DIED.

EDMUND AND JAMES HAD PARENTS WHO DIDN'T WANT THEM, LIKE MINE.

AND LIKE ME, THEY WERE LOOKING FOR A FAMILY.

IT WAS LIKE WE RECOGNIZED EACH OTHER.

IT WAS WONDERFUL.

WE WERE PIECES IN SOME PUZZLE, AND WE FINALLY FIT TOGETHER.

I DON'T KNOW --

IT SOUNDS STRANGE, YOUR HONOR,

BUT WE WERE A FAMILY.

WELL, UH... WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

FAMILY...UM...

IT'S MORE THAN JUST LOVING EACH OTHER.

I MEAN, IT'S...IT'S UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER,

HELPING EACH OTHER TO GROW.

I MEAN, IN THEIR WHOLE LIVES,

THESE KIDS WERE NEVER ALLOWED TO BE WHO THEY WERE.

AND I'VE SEEN THEM BLOSSOM.

I'VE SEEN THEM TRULY HAPPY FOR THE FIRST TIME.

AND THEY GOT PROBLEMS,

BUT NOW THEY'RE FAMILY PROBLEMS,

AND WE WORK THEM OUT LIKE A FAMILY.

BEING TOGETHER IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ANY OF US.

AND THERE JUST IS NO WAY

WE'RE GOING TO BE BETTER OFF APART.

IS THAT ALL YOU WANT TO SAY?

YES, YES, SIR, I GUESS I'M THROUGH.

THEN YOU MAY QUESTION THE PETITIONER.

MR. BENIKER, ISN'T IT TRUE

THAT YOU ABDUCTED THESE CHILDREN?

NO.

PERHAPS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT THE WORD "ABDUCTION" MEANS IN THIS INSTANCE.

LET ME EXPLAIN.

IT MEANS TAKING MINORS,

CHILDREN WHO ARE TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THEM --

THAT'S NOT TRUE! IT'S NOT!

YOU THINK WE'RE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!

WE'RE NOT!

SILENCE.

CASSANDRA.

YES.

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU IN MY CHAMBERS.

[ BANGS GAVEL ]

CASSANDRA --

IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL YOU?

NO, SIR. CASSIE.

WELL, CASSIE,

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ALL OF THIS?

ROTTEN.

TELL ME WHY.

BECAUSE IT'S THE SAME OLD DEAL.

EVERYONE ELSE DECIDES WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU.

YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.

WELL, SOMETIMES CHILDREN DON'T HAVE ENOUGH, UH...

EXPERIENCE TO MAKE THAT BIG A DECISION

FOR THEMSELVES, CASSIE.

OFTEN WHEN IT'S A QUESTION OF FIT HOMES,

THE COURT IS BETTER ABLE TO --

YEAH, WELL, ALL OF US HAVE BEEN IN MORE HOMES

THAN ANYONE IN THIS COURTROOM.

SO WHO'S GOT THE EXPERIENCE?

THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW.

THANK YOU, CASSIE.

YOU CAN GO BACK IN NOW.

MR. BENIKER,

I WANT TO COMMEND YOU

AND WHAT YOU'VE DONE FOR THESE CHILDREN.

I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT THEY ARE HEALTHY,

HAPPY, AND ENDOWED WITH A SENSE OF SECURITY

FOR PERHAPS THE FIRST TIME IN THEIR YOUNG LIVES.

NOW...

AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION OF YOUR PARTICULAR PROBLEMS,

AND IN VIEW OF YOUR RECENT LOSS OF EMPLOYMENT,

I'VE RELUCTANTLY DECIDED THAT IT WOULD BE

IN THE BEST INTEREST OF EVERYONE CONCERNED

IF CASSIE,

BENJAMIN, EDMUND,

AND JAMES WERE REMANDED TO THE CUSTODY

OF THE SOCIAL SERVICES DEPARTMENT,

WHICH HAS EXTENSIVE EXPERIENCE

IN CASES SUCH AS --

WELL, SIMILAR TO YOURS.

WHEN YOU FIND EMPLOYMENT, WE WILL RECONSIDER THE MATTER.

WE LOST.

DOES THAT MEAN WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER?

DON'T WORRY.

YOUR HONOR, COULD I GET A MOMENT

ALONE WITH THE CHILDREN, PLEASE?

OF COURSE.

YOU MAY USE MY CHAMBERS.

COURT IS ADJOURNED.

OKAY, CASSIE, GET THE CHAIR.

EDMUND, THE WINDOW.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

PRAY.

WHAT FOR?

THAT I GET A JOB.

LET'S GO.

THE BENIKERS ARE GETTING AWAY!

THE BENIKERS?

ARNOLD, WHERE'S YOUR CAR?

ARNOLD, CAN'T YOU MOVE THIS CRATE ANY FASTER?

EDITH, THE SPEED LIMIT.

FORGET ABOUT THE SPEED LIMIT.

LOLA, THEY'RE AFTER US!

THE COPS?

NO! MRS. STAMWICK!

EDMUND, OPEN A BAG OF MAIL.

WHAT?

BEN, GET OUT YOUR GLUE.

WHAT FOR?

CASSIE, OPEN UP THE BACK DOOR.

CASSIE, OPEN THE DOOR. COME ON, MOVE, GUYS!

Mrs. Stamwick: FASTER, ARNOLD!

THOSE LITTLE MONSTERS ARE GETTING AWAY FROM US!

I'M TELLING YOU, EDITH, THEY'RE HARMLESS.

OH, MY GOSH, WHAT'S THIS?

I THINK IT'S WORKING!

HEY, LOLA, THEY RAN OFF THE ROAD!

YAHOO!

WE LICKED THEM!

OF COURSE WE DID. WE'RE AN UNBEATABLE TEAM.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE SURE

WE'VE GOT ENOUGH GAS IN THIS VAN,

AND HEAD IT ON DOWN THE HIGHWAY.

YEAH, LET'S HIT THE ROAD, JACK.

LOLA, WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

WELL, ONE THING'S FOR CERTAIN --

A LOT OF PLACES WHERE PEOPLE NEED

SOME GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED ADVICE.

CASS, WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

I THINK WE SHOULD...

GO TO HAWAII!

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

HAWAII? HAWAII?HAWAII?

Arthur: HOW MANY TIMES DO I GOT TO TELL YOU GUYS?

WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT.

WE MAY NOT FIND A PICKET FENCE AND A FRONT PORCH,

MAYBE NOT EVEN A HOUSE,

BUT AS MY GREAT AUNT IDA USED TO SAY,

"IT'S NOT WHERE YOU LIVE,

IT'S WHO YOU LIVE WITH THAT COUNTS."

HAWAII!

ALOHA, HAWAII!

Arthur: DEAR JUDGE PINK,

THIS IS A HARD LETTER TO WRITE,

BUT LOLA SAYS IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

SHE KNOWS YOU CAN'T LIVE ONLY BY YOUR OWN RULES.

THE BENIKER FAMILY IS NOW IN HONOLULU,

BUT WE'RE READY TO RETURN AND FACE THE COURT'S DECISION.

THIS TIME YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO LOCK THE WINDOWS.

SINCERELY, ARTHUR BENIKER.

P.S., HAWAII NEEDS A LOT OF ADVICE,

AND MY COLUMN'S DOING WELL.

Judge Pink: DEAR LOLA --

I MEAN ARTHUR --

ONCE AGAIN, I AM IMPRESSED BY LOLA'S ADVICE.

YOU CAN'T DEFY THE LAW,

BUT YOU CAN CONVINCE THE COURT TO RECONSIDER.

IF YOU CONTINUE TO BE EMPLOYED,

AND TO PRACTICE WHAT LOLA PREACHES,

I AM WILLING TO GRANT YOU A SECOND CHANCE

TO LEGALLY BECOME THE BENIKER FAMILY.

SINCERELY, JUDGE DONALD PINK.

Children: WOW!

Pink: P.S., I'VE ASKED YOUR GREAT AUNT IDA

TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.

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