All language subtitles for Sarah Silverman A Speck of Dust.eng

[upbeat music playing]

[man whistling on soundtrack]

[man] Girls and boys,
please welcome to the stage

Sarah Silverman!

[audience cheering and applauding]

[mouthing] Hi.

Well, thank you.

Thank you so much.

I am so happy you guys are here.

I'm sorry about the metal detectors.

-That is my bad. I, um...
-[audience laughs]

...tweeted something,
and, uh, it made some people

feel the need to express, um,
wanting to kill me.

-And...
-[audience laughs]

I'm sorry I called for a military coup.

[audience laughing]

I knew it was a long shot.

You know, when you're a comedian now,
you really have to think things through

before you post them,
you know, on Twitter.

Who do we think we are, presidents?

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering and applauding]

Oh. Not necessary.

But appreciated.

I'm, uh... I'm not a fancy person.

I don't, um...

You know, I'm wearing a onesie.

[audience laughs]

I'm not-- I have friends
that love jewelry, and I love them.

But I-- I don't really understand
the value of jewelry at all.

That said... I love a nice hotel room.

[audience laughs]

I need a soaking tub.

So, I have my things.

And I was just on the road,

and I got to stay
in some really nice hotels.

And, um, I'll never complain,
because I'm so afraid of being, like,

a complaining Jew.

[audience laughing]

Which is a stereotype.

-Based on facts and patterns.
-[audience laughing]

And then, like,
deducing from those patterns.

Why are you selling out
your culture, Sarah?

Sorry.

Did it get a laugh? Yes. Okay.

[audience laughing]

Um... But I did call down.

And I was like,
"Everything is so amazing.

Thank you so much.

Um, but I...

noticed there seems to be, um...

-semen on the...
-[audience laughs]

I think it's called a duvet.

And-- Or a comforter.

And also, um...

There's also some on,
like, the nightstand.

[audience laughing]

And, um, also, I noticed
there's come all over my tits. It's...

[audience laughing]

I'm sorry.

I just, you know, if there's a--

I hate to complain.

If there's an upgrade to be had,
I would...

[with vocal fry] in I'd take it."

Can you hear me
when I just talk like this?

[in normal voice] This is a good
sound system.

[with vocal fry] You can hear me
when I just talk like this?

[audience chuckles]

-I, uh, got laser hair removal.
-[audience member claps]

And...

Did you just applaud that?

You're like, "Finally."

[audience laughing]

I got laser hair removal.

I waited a really long time to do it.

Uh... I wanted the science
to be at its peak.

[audience chuckles]

You know, like, we landed on Mars...
I think it was August 2012.

[man chuckles]

[audience laughing]

Are you just impressed
that I remember the date?

What I'm saying is...

we landed on Mars in 2012.

I waited four more years.

And then I looked up
the highest-rated laser hair removal place

within three blocks of my apartment.

And I went there.

[audience laughing]

It was called LaserAway.

And, um...

it wasn't what I--

I think I was naive,
and I just thought you go,

and you get-- And your hair gets removed.
But it's a much longer process.

For every section of hair
you want removed,

you have to go
have eight separate sessions,

you know, like on each--

So, for me, I was doing, like,
from right below my belly button

down to the floor.

And then back up
to about the middle of my back.

And, um-- Isn't that funny
that that's funny? And it's a lie.

I did my arms, too.

-[audience laughing]
-But, um... [chuckles]

I can't lie to you guys.

I can't.

Uh-- Right.
So, they make you pay up front.

Which makes so much sense,
now that I think about it.

Because... it hurts so much.

By the second session you're like,
"Oh, I would gladly pay $3000

to never come back here again.
That would be a bargain."

It's so painful.

And I have a--
I feel like I have a high pain--

I think most women
have a high pain threshold.

I've been punched in the face thrice.
And that's another story for another time.

But I...

It's a different kind of pain.
It's like nerve ending--

Like nerve damage.

Like, they give you stress balls,
and you squeeze them.

And by the time
you pry your fingers open,

they're just, like,
pyramids of powder, basically.

-[audience laughing]
-It hurts so much.

I remember telling myself like,
"You are a grown woman.

That is your money to waste.
You earned that money.

Throw it out the window.
It doesn't matter."

And, uh, as I was walking back to my car
after the second session--

I actually can remember exactly,
like, the words I was saying to myself

as I was walking to the car. I was like:

"What you just went through was trauma.

[audience laughing]

That was traumatic."

And right in that moment
I got a text message from my boyfriend,

who was in Guatemala at the time
with UNICEF.

-And it just said--
-[audience laughs]

It said, "I just spent the morning

with a woman
who watched her son get murdered."

And I was like, "You think that's bad?"

-[audience laughing]
-'Cause I have--

I have a hard time with perspective.

Like, I don't gain it
with experience, I guess.

I was walking around
here in Los Angeles, judging people.

And that's not me being my best self.
I'm not proud of it.

But that was just the scenario.

And I remember just thinking,
like, "You fucking...

petty, small-minded, materialistic twats.

You do not get it."

With their, like, $1500 purses.

It's a bag. It holds shit.

Get a backpack. You're silly.

You know? I'm like,
"You don't even get it.

We're breathing egos,
acting like we aren't a speck of dust

on a speck of dust on a speck of dust
hurtling through outer space.

We're nothing."

And then in the very next moment
I'll be like:

"I want my face on money."

-I really do.
-[audience laughing]

I feel like I deserve--
I want my face on money, period.

I just...

I want my period face on money. [chuckles]

It's like: [groans]

No, it's more stoic. It's like:

[audience laughing]

Aw, I just heard my sister laughing.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] She's dead.

-[audience laughing]
-No, she's here. I'm kidding. She's here.

I, um-- I had a dog for many, many years.

And he was my best friend.

And I was always talking to him.

Whenever I was home,
I was talking to him.

And then he died,
and I stopped talking to him.

Makes sense.

Or does it? I don't know.
I mean, does that really make sense?

He's just as much a part
of the conversation now...

[audience laughing]

in a box on my desk.

[audience laughing]

I stopped-- This is what it is.

I stopped talking to myself
because there wasn't a dog in the room.

That's crazy.

[audience laughing]

So, now I have a new dog, Mary.

I, um-- I rescued her.

Or I like to think she rescued me.

I don't know which is the less cunty way
of putting it.

-But I have her.
-[audience laughing]

And she is my world.

And, uh, I love her so much.

She's my everything.

She's young, and she's full of life.

And she's obsessed with squirrels.

-And she's kind of gotten me into it, too.
-[audience laughs]

And she's just, like, such a cuddler,
and we play.

And we, like, spoon at night, and...

I'm just gonna put a pin in that
for a second and double back and say...

that squirrel line, I would call that,
in comedy, a throwaway joke.

I knew it was gonna get a laugh
when I said:

"She's obsessed with squirrels,
and she's kind of gotten me into it, too."

[audience laughs]

But you just keep going to that main joke.

That's a throwaway joke.
It makes it extra cool.

Now I've ruined it 'cause I doubled back
and, like, I'm, like, talking about it.

Now it's ruined.

It's not a throwaway joke anymore.
But it was.

This is probably for two people
in the audience,

but I would say
a throwaway joke is cool...

the way that it's cool, like--

I play basketball.
If you, like, during a pickup game,

you make, like, a sweet three-point shot,

and then afterwards, you don't smile.

[audience laughing]

You just go right back into defense.

That's the same coolness
of a throwaway joke. All right.

-So-- Really?
-[audience applauding]

That's never gotten a laugh before.

Well, you didn't have to undo it.

-Keep laughing.
-[audience laughs]

So, um...

The truth is,
I am-- I have gotten into squirrels.

And now I'm gonna get you into squirrels.

I'm not kidding.

Wait until you see.

I learned a fun fact about squirrels...

that I'm so excited to tell you.
I can't-- I'm--

Okay, this is what it is. It's this.

Squirrels...

cannot find 80 percent
of the nuts they hide.

[audience laughing]

Are you kidding me?

Is that the greatest thing
you've ever heard in your life?

First of all,
animals aren't supposed to make mistakes.

But secondly...

I made this realization
that is gonna blow--

Hold your skulls in, because your brains
are gonna fucking explode.

[audience laughs]

That's how trees are planted.

Are you fucking kidding me?

[audience laughing, then clapping]

That's how trees are planted.

God, or the universe,
or nature, or whatever the fuck,

created this anxiety-ridden...

[audience laughing]

...paranoid cokehead...

that thinks that everybody
wants their acorns.

Nobody wants your acorns.

No one else in the world eats acorns.

Only you.

That they hide them everywhere.

And then they're so fucked up on coke...

[audience laughing]

they can only find two out of every ten.

Squirrels plant trees.

In Israel.

Right. That I added.
That's not true. I added that.

So, Mary is my dog.

And I love her.

And she got me into squirrels.

And she's young,
and she's full of energy. But...

she's dying...

in that, it's out there.

It might be in two weeks.
It might be in 12 years.

But it's out there,
and it's looming over me.

And my heart can't take it.

I made a mistake.
I shouldn't have gotten another dog.

It's too much.

[audience chuckles]

I'm...

Don't judge me.
I'm gonna put her to sleep now. I just...

[audience laughing]

I need it to be done.

And you know what? In my defense...

in the scope of history...

whether she dies tomorrow when
I put her to sleep, which I'm doing...

[audience laughing]

or she dies naturally in 12 years,

it's not even a blip
in the scope of history.

It's the same exact time.

So, I'm right.

And I...

And she won't die in vain,
'cause I'll crucify her.

-Oh, my God. How cute would that be?
-[audience laughing]

I didn't tell you, she's little,
and she's got, like, long legs.

And, like, her feet kind of naturally
do that thing anyway.

And then like:
Oh, I would have to break her arms.

-I would.
-[audience groaning]

Listen, if you wanna be a legend,
you've gotta suffer.

[audience laughs]

You think Jesus would be famous
if we put him down like a household pet?

No.

Jesus, son of God...

died for your sins...

uh, in his sleep
while surrounded by his favorite toys?

-That's ridiculous.
-[audience laughing]

I'm gonna-- Okay.

I'm gonna be indulgent...

and tell a story that's just a true story.

Um... It's about one of my sisters.
I have three sisters.

This is about one of them.

Um... I won't say which one. But...

her name is Jodyne.

[audience laughing]

Um, Jodyne went to Boston University.

And if you're familiar with BU,
they have coed dorms.

Which most universities have now. Um--

But they have coed bathrooms
in the coed dorms.

And Jodyne, uh, got the drunkest
she had ever been her freshman year,

like so many freshmen do.

And she stumbled back to her room,
and she managed to get her, uh, jeans off,

you know, and just passed out
in a T-shirt and underwear.

And a few minutes later,
the room started spinning.

And she ran to the bathroom,
and she started throwing up.

And she's vomiting.

And while she's vomiting, she can feel

that somebody
is tugging her underwear down.

But she couldn't turn around
or stop it, um,

because she was throwing up so hard.

And she's vomiting and vomiting,
and they're tugging her underwear down.

It's going down,
all the way down to the ground.

And she finally finishes throwing up,

and she whips her head around
to see who's there.

But she didn't see anybody.

Because she had been shitting herself.

[audience laughing]

That's-- That's a true story.

I'm gonna say--

Like, I would call that a relief laugh.

[audience laughing]

Or, like, a release laugh.

[groans] I know that I'm your show.

But you have to understand,
like, you're my show.

And you were so beautiful.

You were so-- You had so much empathy.

You were so worried.

You could hear a pin drop in this story.

It was so nice.

And, you know, I understand.

You thought she was gonna get raped.

And she thought she was gonna get raped.

[audience laughing]

She thought she was about to get raped.

And I've really thought about this.
And I--

I think this may be one of
the only scenarios where you can look down

at a pair of underwear...

just:

Just filled with your own shit...

and think, "Oh, thank God.

-[audience laughing]
-Oh, my God.

[audience clapping]

Oh, literally, yay."

[audience laughing]

My sister came to visit me.

Not the "shitting in her pants" sister,
but the, um... My oldest sister.

Although, I'm sure she's shit her pants.

-She's a Silverman, after all. [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

[clears throat]

Uh, no, this is my oldest sister, Susie.

She is a rabbi.

She lives in Jerusalem.

Um... "Oh, my God, a godless comedian

and, like, a total God-person rabbi
are sisters?

What must that be like?" is something
you can muse about in the car.

So, Susie came to town.

And she said, "Sarah,
I'm meeting my friend Amber tomorrow."

And then she told me all about Amber.

She's like, "Amber is so amazing.

She was born and raised in Ethiopia.

She single-handedly
ran an orphanage there.

She's so inspiring.

I'm meeting her tomorrow at 8 a.m.

Can we use your apartment to meet?"

And I said, "Of course, sure." You know.

"Use your key.
I'll be sleeping. But, yeah."

So, the next morning,
she forgot her key, of course.

And she's knocking at the door,
and I go to answer the door.

My eyes are, like, glued shut.

And I open the door, and she goes,
"Sarah, this is Amber."

And I said,
"Amber, it's so nice to meet you.

I've heard so much about you."
And I grabbed her hand.

And her hand was a hook.

[audience groans]

And...

[audience laughing]

Not important to the story,
just for color,

both of her hands were hooks.

But, um... I was in too deep.

I just-- I shook it.

I shook her hook.

[audience laughs]

And it was such a false moment, too.

I'm sure she would have appreciated
if I was like:

"You have a hook for a hand.
I don't know what the etiquette is."

And she'd be like,
"Thank you for being real with me.

Nobody's ever real with me.

Yes, you can shake it, whatever."

And then we would be real friends,
and we'd probably have inside jokes,

and that's how it plays out in my mind.
But...

I just shook her hook as if to say:

"This is what a hand feels like to me."

[audience laughing]

Bye.

And went back to sleep.

And pretended it was all a neat dream.

[audience laughs]

But Jesus Christ, rabbi.

She must have told me nine things
about Amber.

[audience laughing]

Two of them should have been hooks, right?
I'm not being an asshole.

Minimum.

She's got hooks for hands.

She's amazing.

She lives in Ethiopia.

She single-handedly ran an--

That would have made more sense.

She's brilliant, she's inspiring.

Double back, just a reminder...

she's got hooks for hands.

[audience laughing]

But not Susie, not the rabbi.

She doesn't see color.

She doesn't even see hands.

-[audience laughing]
-That's how amazing she is.

I'm a-- I'm a...

I'm a very sexual person.

Um... You can always tell a sexual person

because they, um, tell you as a segue

-to their next bit in their stand-up act.
-[audience laughs]

It's kind of a little hint.

I am, though. I--

I know that it's cool
to talk crazy during sex,

and I-- I have tried that.

And it doesn't work for me,
because I just...

I find that the truth, uh,
gets in the way, I guess.

Like, I...

Like, "God, your cock is so--
Oh, no, never-- It was a shadow."

[audience laughing]

What I do, I feel like, is way crazier.

I like to talk crazy right after sex.

When things have calmed down a beat.

Get right in his face, real quiet.

"What do you think would happen
if I went to the hospital

and got a rape exam right now?

[audience laughing]

Yeah, what do you think?

You think they'd find your semen
all over and inside me?

'Cause I do.

Oh, I really do.

Maybe you should tickle my back
till I fall asleep.

Is that a good idea, motherfucker?"

[audience laughing]

My boyfriend's foreign, so, then I get,
like, really nose to nose with him

and go, [whispering] "USA's number one."

[audience laughing]

[in normal voice] He'll be like,
"Number one in what?"

"You don't worry about it.

[audience laughing]

It's important to us
that we're number one.

Juvenile diabetes."

[audience laughing]

What is the etiquette--?

I don't know if there are, like,
any Emily Post-ish people here.

But for postcoital cuddling, uh,
or after-sex cuddling, if you're stupid,

-what is the...?
-[audience laughing]

What is the etiquette
for where I would put my...

"his asshole" fingers?

[audience laughing]

Is it just straight out to the side?

Or... under a pillow?

Or just-- Just sever it.

Just cut it off completely.

That's--
That's what happened to Amber's hands.

[audience laughing, then clapping]

I'm kidding, you guys.

Come on.

Relax.

It was land mines when she was 7.

[audience laughing and groaning]

Look, sometimes I like to end a joke
with a sad truth.

Thank you, Jodyne.

[audience laughing]

[chuckling]

You're killing it, Sarah.

We give our daughters Barbie dolls
so that they have an image

of what they should look like
when they grow up that is not attainable

so that they can learn
that they're a piece of shit

and they should kill themselves.

It's so important.

We have to teach them young.

I'm not sure, uh...

who designs the schematics
of these Barbie dolls, or Bratz dolls,

or any of the sex-worker dolls.

[audience laughing]

I'm not sure who we're protecting.

Uh...

Where the obscenity lies, or--

Okay, so, Barbie.

Like, her legs are twice the length
of the rest of her body.

And her feet are just:
They're just on tiptoes.

She can only wear high heels.

She couldn't wear flats if she wanted to.

When she's taking a shit
at 3 in the morning, she's in heels.

'Cause she's a lady.

[audience laughs]

Her breasts-- Okay.

So, uh...

she only has, like, the big,
fat, shiny part of the breast

that guys jerk off to.

We have to protect our daughters...

from the life-nourishing nipple.

We-- That's just too obscene.

No nipples.

We can't have our daughters
seeing what nourishes life.

Just the part
that can sandwich a hard cock.

[audience laughing]

No pubic hair.

That is attainable.

You're right, audience.

[audience laughing]

You know what?
Thanks for keeping me honest.

That's important. It is attainable.

Not everybody can pull that look off,
but yes.

People always want Angelina Jolie's lips.

And I'm not bragging.
I basically have Angelina Jolie's lips.

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

But, um, mine are in my underpants.

But--

[audience laughing]

That's why I like a nice...

groomed but triangular...

nuanced bush.

That doesn't technically make sense,
but it sounded fancy.

[audience laughing]

I did a, um...

Art reflects life.

Okay?
And then, uh, life informs art, you know?

And then, um...

But we don't-- Movies, I don't feel like
really reflect life totally for women.

It's more of like
a male's projection of it.

It's getting a little better,
but even in artsy-fartsy movies,

like, if you see a woman masturbating
in a scene,

she's always on her back.
All dreamy and sexy.

She's never on her stomach,
dead-eyed and slack-jawed, like it is.

[audience laughing]

It's work.

We learn what love is
from movies and television,

and it's ruined love for us.

Romantic comedies, all that shit,
it's ruined love.

We-- It's taught us
that we are incomplete people

who need to find that one person
in the whole world that will complete us.

I promise you,
there are thousands of people

that are perfectly good matches
for any one of you.

[audience laughs]

And I don't want to be complete--
I don't--

I'm working very hard to be
a complete person every day, you know?

I don't-- I don't wanna make you whole.

I want you to come whole.

I want you to be in--
And I know I just said "come hole."

[audience laughing]

Another thing Barbie does not have.

[audience laughing]

That would be
a really weird feminist stance.

"Why doesn't Barbie have a come hole?"

[audience laughing]

[groans]

[chuckles]

"I don't know. What is that?
It's subjective."

Noted.

I did a fundraiser here a few years ago

with, um, my friend Lizz Winstead's
organization, Lady Parts Justice.

-Check it out.
-[audience applauding]

And, uh, it was basically--
I always say it was like a, you know, um,

"right to choose" kind of thing.

But it was, technically,
literally, just for women in Texas.

Because, at the time,
every abortion clinic

was being shut down in Texas.
They were down to five.

It's since gotten much worse. But, um...

And we just literally
wanted to raise money

to give to women in Texas

so they could, like, hire a babysitter

while they drive 12 hours
to get an abortion.

Or an affordable mammogram,
or a, you know, pap smear, or whatever.

And, uh, so, we did this show,
and there were protestors outside.

Um, you know, "right to life," uh,
Westboro Baptist Church-y, NPR people.

-And-- Not NPR.
-[audience laughs]

NRA.

[audience laughing]

That is-- They are different.

Completely different tote bags.

[audience laughing]

Um, and they were outside protesting.

And I'm not gonna shit on them,
because I am them.

We're the same.

You know,
I'm the product of how I was raised.

I was raised by a couple
of liberal bleeding-heart Democrat Jews,

and now I am one.
And I would love to think

that I'd get there on my own,
but probably not.

I'm the product of how I was raised.

And these people were raised
by people who loved them

who said, "There are people out there
that want to murder babies."

If I was that kid, I'd be like,
"We have to stop them."

And I'd be outside there protesting.

So, I went outside,
and I just wanted to say hi

and show a warm, friendly face
to baby murderer.

And I said, uh, "Hey, hi.
Isn't it great--? I just wanna say,

isn't it great that we live in a country
where I can put on this show

because it's something that I believe in,

and you can protest this show
because of what you believe in,

and we can occupy
the same space peacefully?"

And he said, "God, you're totally right."

I'm just kidding.
He goes, "You're going to hell."

And I was like, "Okay, nice to meet you."

[audience laughing]

But there was, like, a 9-year-old girl
there with a little pink cardigan.

And she had a huge--
She had a sign, like, twice her size.

And it said, uh,
"Abortion is bloody murder."

And the "bloody" was, like, in red paint,
dripping down.

And that was the first time I was like,
"Oh, they had to go to, like,

Michaels or Blick's
or something and buy crafts.

Hobby Lobby, probably."

-And she goes:
-[audience laughing]

"God hates you."

And I was like,
"Do you really think God hates?"

And she goes, "Yeah, he hates you."

And then-- Oh, I told her a doodie joke.

And she was like:

[snorts]

[Sarah & audience laughing]

It really is the great unifier.

But she is right.
Abortion does kill, like, your whole day.

[audience laughing]

It literally sucks the life out of you.

[audience laughing and groaning]

Look, I know those last two jokes,
they aren't smart.

They have nothing deep to say.
They're just wordplay.

But I love them like my...

very own aborted fetuses.

-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

Um...

Put a pin in that.

Congratulations, Texas.

Texas was almost the third state...

uh, but then a judge
put the kibosh on it.

You should know this. I'm not blaming
you for not knowing about this law,

because we've been--

Just atrocity after atrocity
has been coming at us every day.

But you're not gonna believe this.
It's true.

They have a law where
if you get an abortion in those states

or have a miscarriage,

you are responsible
for paying for a funeral

for the fetal tissue.

[man] What?

[woman] What?

Crazy.

And heinous.

And I want to speak
at those funerals so bad.

[audience laughing]

He died the way he lived.

[audience laughing]

The size of a sesame seed
with no discernable brain function.

He will be returned now to the soil...

where he will...

I don't know,
get eaten by a cricket, maybe.

[audience laughing]

[sighs] So, anyway, this fundraiser.

This is the thing, is the religious right
knows that it will be a bear of a--

Not the religious right.
I guess the government now...

-knows that it would be a bear of a job
-[audience laughs]

to overturn Roe v. Wade,
to just make abortion illegal all at once.

So, what they do is they chip away at it
from the sides, you know.

They make little laws, insincere laws,
that kind of are an ends to their means.

You know, uh, "All right, uh,
your clinic has to have hallways

that are 18 feet wide."

And then the clinics are like, "We can't--

We don't have-- I mean, that would cost--
We couldn't afford to--"

"Well, I guess you're gonna
have to close, then, aren't you?"

You know, it's very, uh, Boss Hogg
from Dukes of Hazzard or something.

You know, like,
smashing your headlights and going:

[in Southern drawl]
"Looks like you can't drive.

You got a smashed headlight."
[in normal voice] It's exactly that.

And violating-- Uh...

Infantilizing laws about abortion
where women have to think about it.

Go home for three days and think about it.

Yeah, I think I've been thinking about it,
fuckface.

-Or, like...
-[audience laughing]

Violating ultrasounds, you know,
where they shove a camera inside you

and make you look at the ultrasound
and see the life in your uterus.

And-- Put a pin in that for a second.

Because I have another fun fact for you
you're gonna love.

This is true. Scientists have known this
for almost two decades.

If you believe in science.

-[audience laughing]
-That--

And this is it.

Sperm can smell.

I know-- I know sperm can--
We all know sperm can smell.

-But...
-[audience laughs]

sperm cells-- Seashells by the seashore.

Sarah, come on, focus.

This is a big night.

[audience laughing]

This is serious, though.

Sperm cells have a sense of smell.

They have olfactory senses. That's true.

And you know what that means.
That means that sperm is life.

And you know what that means.

[audience laughs]

We've gotta legislate that shit.

[audience clapping and cheering]

We have to protect the babies.

I-- I just wanna save the unborn babies.

That's all I'm worried about,
and this is what we're gonna do.

The next time you feel like
you're gonna jerk off into a gym sock

or down your shower drain or, uh...

I don't know why,
I peg you as an "on the belly" guy.

-[audience laughing]
-It doesn't matter, though.

It doesn't matter.
Whatever your jerk-off style,

there is no judgment here.

I was right, wasn't I?

-[audience laughing]
-I have a sense.

If only that was a superpower
that could help the world.

But...

This is what we're gonna do.
Before you do jerk off,

whatever style it is--

Um... I feel like keeping going. Like...

you are like a hands-free
fucking the mattress.

Like, you're just flat...

[audience laughing]

Blink once if-- I knew it!

You guys are humoring me.

You guys are nice.

All right. Come on, Sarah.

Before you do it,
you're gonna come on down to the clinic.

We're gonna take a long, thin--

Like a knitting-needle-shaped
GoPro camera, basically.

It's gonna go up your urethra,
your penis hole.

Up, up, up. Really picture it.

And then down,
down into your testicular sac.

We're gonna bring the ultrasound around,

and you're gonna be able to actually see

the life in your balls.

[audience laughing, then clapping]

I truly believe...

that most men
will not even want to jerk off after that.

And that's a beautiful thing.

[audience laughing]

Show business is so weird.

I don't know why this is when
it really struck me.

But I did an episode-- A few years ago,
I did that show, The Good Wife.

Okay? And it's, like, a law drama.

And it was really fun.

And maybe it's 'cause I was, like, sitting
and watching a lot of them shoot.

You would never believe
how show business works. It's so crazy.

Like, okay.

Let's see if I can explain this.
Like... It's--

So, this scene is a big boardroom scene,
right, 'cause it's a law drama.

And it's got a bunch of characters in it.

And they're all talking,
and all this shit happens in it.

So, the first shot they do, they do a big,
wide shot of the whole scene

with all the characters and everything.

They do that a few times.
Then they go in close

and they shoot, like, a tight shot
where it's just, like--

You only see, like,
three of the characters.

And when they exit that scene,
like, in our minds we see the whole room

because we've seen it before.

But in reality, when they're shooting it,
the rest of the room isn't even there.

It's, like, filled up with, like,

reflecting boards and cameras and lights

and, you know,
all this other shit, you know.

I don't know all the words.

[audience laughs]

Cameramen and, uh, all that shit.

So, it's like, uh,
Christine Baranski will go:

"I want those papers
on my desk Monday morning."

[audience laughing]

And she's literally
in her skirt suit and heels.

Christine Baranski in a ball
because she can't leave entirely,

'cause there's so much shit
blocking the way.

But she has to get as low as possible

so she doesn't block the lights
for the rest of the scene,

for the actors that are still
in the scene. So, she's like this.

And then Josh Charles is like:

"She's a piece of work.
I'll see you Monday."

[audience laughing]

Everything you watch is that.

I just burped.

I'm a human being.

I was, uh--
Three weeks ago, I was at a red light.

No, put a pin in that for a second.
Okay.

I took an acting class
when I was 10 in New Hampshire.

This goes together.

And, first of all,
this acting teacher was mean.

I remember he said, like, um--

Oh, one assignment was,
bring in your favorite song

and, like, act out to it.

And then I brought in my favorite song,
which is, like, um...

# Just a city boy
Born and raised... #

"Don't Stop Believin'."

Sorry.

And, like,
I thought that acting was mouthing it.

So, I was like:

And he went bananas on me.

And you know, I wish at 10
I had the wherewithal to be like:

"You know what?
He's probably going through something.

[audience laughing]

That's his."

No.
I didn't know to do that when I was 10.

I just assumed I was a piece of shit.

But that's not the story I wanted to tell.

So, the first day of acting class,
he said this:

"Acting...

is reacting."

And I'm like, "What does that mean?"

Like, "re"?

I knew "re" meant again.

So, I was like, "Acting again?"

Anyway...

Three weeks ago, I was at a red light.

And I was like:

"Oh, reacting.

[audience laughing]

Right.

Oh, yeah.

I agree with that, yes.
Acting is reacting.

You should have said it that way."

Latent...

realizations.

That's the theme of this chunk
when I do my special.

Latent-- Latent realizations. Like...

Okay, I had to go to sleepaway camp...

every year since I was 6 years old.

And, uh, it was terrible for me

because I was a chronic bed wetter
till I was, like, 15.

So, it was a nightmare.

I learned a lot of skills,
like complete disassociation.

[audience laughing]

Making a cot over soaking-wet sheets
while I stink like piss

and pretending like that's not the case.

What kind of parents would send
a chronic bed wetter to sleepaway camp?

They must be monsters. No.

They're not monsters.

Here's the thing. Okay.

Like, my dad...

his dad beat the shit out of him
every day.

And then during the school year
he was sent away to goyim.

To boarding school. I'm sorry.

[audience laughs]

To boarding school.

And then at boarding school...

he got the shit kicked out of him
every day,

called a dirty Jew kike,

because it was back when, like...

America was great.

[audience laughing]

And...

-And then in the-- All right.
-[audience clapping]

[chuckles] That was pretty good.

[audience laughs]

And then in the summertime,

he went to camp and blossomed

and was a star and was, like,
everything he wanted to be.

And so, parents, they just think--

You know, he just thought,
"No, camp is great.

It will define her. It will be her joy.

Because that's what it was for me."
You know?

So, I had to go to camp.

And as a compromise,
he would give me joke books.

Because I loved jokes.

And then, also,
maybe I'd make friends that way.

So, I remember the summer I was 8

because I had just learned to read
when I was 7.

Someone in the audience when I was
in Vermont was like, "I was 4."

Fucking good for you. I was 7.

I learned to read when I was 7.

So, I was 8, I was excited.

I had books. I was gonna read.

And my dad has no boundaries.

I don't know if he flipped
through these at all or didn't.

Um, but it was Truly Tasteless Jokes
book one and two.

[audience laughing]

And I remember the first joke
on the first page.

It was a paragraph long,
but I can tell it in two seconds.

It was "Little Red Riding Hood,
blah, blah, blah.

And then the big bad wolf is like,
'I'm gonna eat you.'

And then Little Red Riding Hood's like,
'Eat, eat, eat.

Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?'"

And I'm like, "What does this mean?"

[audience laughing]

Then when I was 30
I was like, "Oh, Jesus Christ.

That's so inappropriate."

He was, uh-- My dad isn't--
He has no boundaries.

He's not approp-- I don't really--

He-- He treated us like bros.

Like, um, I remember one time
when I was really young,

he and my mom went on a double date.

And when he came home,
he, like, plopped down on the front hall--

There was, like,
a bench in the front hall.

And I was sitting there,
and I asked him how it went.

And he was like,
"Oh, it was the fucking worst.

Uh, we were supposed to go out
with the Sterlings,

and then only Mr. Sterling showed up.

Because he said Mrs. Sterling
had her period.

And when she gets her period,
it comes out like liver.

And I'm like,
'I don't need to know that.'"

[audience laughing]

I was like, "Dad, I get it.

Like, I'm 5,
and I don't even need to know that."

But my dad, um...

Camp was where he thrived.

And, like, they're still his best friends
to this day.

His best friends
are his friends from camp.

And he's about to be 80,
and they're having a reunion, even.

And he has a picture of all of them,
uh, when they became counselors.

And it's amazing. It's from 1953.

And I said,
"Dad, you have to send me this."

And he sent it to me with, like,
a glossary of who everybody is

and what they're doing now. And it's like:

"This is Phil Holman. He's a judge now.

This is Arnie Goldstein.

You know, he owns Martin's House of Cloth.

This is Danny Gold.

Danny Gold once gave Punchy Kramer a BJ
and we all watched.

This is Cy Schwartz.

He works at the Clam King.

This is bah, bah, bah. He da, da, da.

This is Morris Simon.

This is Punchy Kramer.

This is, you know, blah, blah, blah."

I'm like,
"Dad, open with it or close with it."

He has no sense.

[audience laughing]

So, he went to camp all the way up
until he became a counselor.

And, uh, you know, we think of counselors,
like, as grown-ups.

But, you know, they're 16-year-old kids.

So, for each camper,
he had to fill out a form,

uh, every week for each camper.

And it would say, like, "Is he behaving?

Is he sleeping? Did he brush his teeth?

Did he go to the bathroom?"

And under that it said, "L/H."

And my dad didn't know what that meant.

But he was too embarrassed to ask anybody.

So, he just used his logic,
and he's like, "Okay.

It comes after bathroom,
so it must mean...

'loose or hard.'"

[audience laughing]

So, for a summer...

[audience laughing]

my dad had his campers come get him...

after they took shits...

so that he could go look at them...

and make a rough guesstimate...

if it was indeed loose or hard.

I love that so much.

It just means there's, like, a generation
of old men in therapy...

who are like:

"Well, I did have a camp counselor
that was, like, obsessed with my shits.

Is that...?"

You were sexually abused.

[audience laughing]

Oh, it meant "letter home."

[audience laughing]

But thank God he didn't ask.

That would have been so embarrassing.

My parents got divorced when I was 7.

And my mom went back to college
to get her degree.

And my sisters were older.

So, I got babysat by nuns.

I went to, like, a nun--
A convent, I guess.

But it looked like a--

Like a Victorian house or something,
where nuns were.

And they had day care.

And I have since met amazing nuns.

These were not them. These were cunts.

[audience laughing]

They-- They were.

They hit us.

It was--
I had not been hit before, you know.

And I was so scared of them.

Like, if we weren't sleeping
on our, like, little mats during nap time,

they would hit us.

And then, like, um, for lunch

we would go out into the woods,
'cause it's New Hampshire,

and they gave us
these peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches,

and we had to eat the whole thing,
or they would hit us.

[audience laughing]

And I loved peanut butter and jelly.

But this was different.

It was peanut butter and jam.

And jam is...

I hadn't experienced jam before.

It's like... It's different.

It has, like, pieces in it.

[audience laughing]

But we had to eat the whole thing,
or they would hit us.

I was so scared, I--

'Cause I didn't know I could take a punch
at that time.

And I-- Okay, wait.

Put a pin in that.

Put a pin in that
while I tell you something.

This is human behavior,
that we tell ourselves horror--

Horror stories.

Horror stories.

Horror stories.

Horror stories.

Horror.

Horror stories. We tell ourselves--

I said it too many times.

[audience laughing]

We tell ourselves horror stories.

That's just the human condition.

You know, like we go, uh,
"I have to pass that crack in the road

before that car passes me, or I'll die."

That wasn't just you. That's everybody.

Everybody does that.

My therapist says
it's how we deal with mortality.

Um, so, I was eating
this peanut-butter-and-jam sandwich,

and I was telling myself horror stories.

And the horror story was...

this jam is the nuns' period blood.

[audience groaning and laughing]

But I had to eat it all.
I was so scared of getting hit.

I ate it like this.

[retches]

And I gobbled it down.
I don't know what...

put in my head that...

jam would, you know, have, like,
chunky liver-like pieces in it.

[audience laughing]

Okay, I'm gonna try
to tell you this story.

I almost died this summer.

I really almost died this summer.

I, um-- I was on the road.

Had a shitty sore throat.

Didn't think much about it.

Kind of turned into a cold,
that kind of thing.

Uh, then I came home,
and I got that same sore throat again.

So, I go, "Ehh, I'm home.
I'll go to the doctor."

Which I never do.

So, I went to the doctor.

And, uh, he made me wait,
like, a long time.

And I was going to go, like,
"Oh, fuck this." But I stayed.

He looks down my throat, and he's like:

"We're going to the emergency room."

I had a--
Like an abscess at the top of my...

windpipe, which is where
your breathing comes from.

So, um, like, this abscess was either
gonna grow another millimeter

and stop my breathing and I would die,

or it was gonna explode,

and it's filled with poison,
and that would kill me.

Um...

Don't be scared. It's really rare.
It's not going to happen to you.

-Unless it does, I guess.
-[audience laughing]

But...

So, I had to go to the hospital.

And then, um, they put me under,
like, a general--

Like a-- Some sort of drug

just to chill me out before surgery.

And, like, unbeknownst to me,

they're telling my, uh, friend Amy
and my boyfriend, Michael,

they're like, um,
"This is a very dangerous surgery.

She might not make it.

You know, it's very risky."
Blah, blah, blah.

Meanwhile, I feel fine.

And I'm just like, "I'm not high enough."

I was complaining
that I wasn't high enough.

And I can tell you exactly what happened
because Amy had the utter distaste

to record this whole thing.

So...

[chuckles]

You just see me going like,
"I'm not high enough."

And then they're like, "You're okay."

And then I proved to them
that I wasn't high enough,

um, by explaining Brexit.

[audience laughing]

And it was very nuanced,
and I had opinions.

It was, like, really perfect.

Like, you can hear
the anesthesiologist go, like:

"Wow, she's right on."

And, um...

And then, uh, you see me,
like, getting wheeled out.

And then, um, like, Michael and Amy
couldn't come with me,

like, past the operating-room doors
or whatever.

So, as I'm leaving, I said to Michael--
Which is something we like to do,

if the elevator doors are closing
or something:

"I wanna see other people."

And then...

[audience laughing]

And then the last thing you see
on the video is me looking into her phone

and going like, "Play this in slow motion
on my death reel."

So, um...

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] So, then I had this surgery.

And I lived. And, um...

But it was really-- It was a rough week

because I have very low blood pressure,
I guess.

And so,
they couldn't put me to sleep for it.

And so, I had to have--

Once the surgery was done,
they put a breathing tube down my throat.

And then because it's human nature
if you're awake

to pull something
that's in your throat out,

they had to tie my hands down.

So, every time I would wake up,

I would go to pull this thing
out of my throat.

And then I would see that my hands
were tied down,

and then I just thought
what anyone would think

in that situation, which is,
"I've been captured by ISIS."

[audience laughing]

And it was so scary.

And then a sister would have to come
to my side and be like,

"Sweetie, you're okay.
You just had surgery.

They have to have your hand--"
You know, and then I would understand.

And then I would fall asleep,
and a minute later I would wake up

and the whole thing would happen again.

And it was really scary.

It was a nightmare. I don't remember--

Like, I was awake,
but I don't remember anything.

And there were a few funny stories.

Like, um...

I would be really itchy.

The medicine that was in me was so itchy.

But my hands were tied down.

And my sisters would fight
with the nurses

to just let one hand free
so I could scratch.

So, they finally did.

And, uh, it was...

like, I had an itch, like,
just vagina-adjacent.

And I-- It felt--
It was, like, so much relief.

And then my friend John
was standing in the corner.

And I guess-- I don't remember this.
I was told this.

I pulled my hand out

and then I, like, served it to John.

[audience laughing]

And then, another time, like,
my hands were tied down.

And, um...

[audience laughing]

That I served it?

And then, um-- He was like:

[huffing]

In my mind. I don't remember.

Oh, another time...

I was told, a nurse was in the room,

and I, somehow, like,
even though I had no mouth or hands,

but I, like, made it clear to her, like,
it was an emergency.

I had to tell her something.
And they had given me paper and a pencil.

And I'm writing,
and it's, like, so important.

And I finally finish,
and then I show it to her,

and she looks, and it just says,
"Do you live with your mother?"

With a picture of a dick.

[audience laughing]

And, I mean...

it's really proof that once
your conscious mind is out of the way,

it's just, like, sheer comic genius.

You guys, we've reached the denouement.

[audience laughing]

Were you making a noise because
you're impressed that I knew that word?

Thank you.

You've been very vocal,
but in the perfect amount.

You're welcome.

[audience laughing]

Like, the next time you wanna, like,
be like, "Yay," for me or something,

let's do this. You can go like this:

Okay, the denouement.

Did I say it right?

[Sarah chuckles]

Now we're gonna have to, like, pick up
a shot of you going:

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

Um, yeah, because we're here.

Um... Jesus is coming back.

Oh, on my back.

-That's what it is.
-[audience laughing]

It was water. He turned it to come.

-[audience laughing]
-How clever is that?

I don't know if there's God.

I mean, I cannot imagine there's God.

But I don't know.

Neither do you, you know?

But if there is God,
it's a God that's, like,

totally fine with murder

and, uh, children starving
and... spin class.

You know, all the--
All the atrocities of life.

I take--

Spin class is great,

if you love being punched in the vagina
70 times a minute.

[audience chuckling]

While just an ocean--

Thank you, Steve Agee.

While just an ocean of white people
are singing the N-word with such glee.

It's because they play hip-hop music
in there.

Did I need to say that?

-Oh, my gosh.
-[audience laughing]

Were you guys like,
"Is that what they do in there?

[audience laughing]

Can I burn calories doing that?"

Yes.

I feel--

I feel like a fraud
because I feel like I talk so much

about God and Jesus and all this stuff,

and... I'm embarrassed to admit this,
but I'm going to admit it.

...I have not read the Bible.

I've tried. I have tried.

In my defense, it's unreadable.

[audience laughing]

It's so boring.

It's so dense.

But it's, like,
not as deep as it thinks it is.

And it just reads like a super-shitty
Game of Thrones spec script or something.

When is that coming back, Game of Thrones?

-Not until--
-[woman] June.

-April?
-[man] June.

-[woman] June.
-June?

It just was June.

Oh, my God.

I love it so much.

It's not perfect.

It isn't perfect, though.

It's like they-- 'Cause, look,
everybody wears 900 pounds of armor.

Then nothing from here to here.

They just have this area to breathe.

You know what the number one cause
of death is in Game of Throne-y times?

Neck stabs.

Head-chopped-offs.

Throat slits.

I'm just saying, there's a blacksmith in
the fictional past that should be fired.

[audience laughing]

The app that I do Twitter with,
I can, um...

I just sounded so old saying that.

The app that I do Twitter with,

it's like I can schedule tweets.

Which I like, because sometimes
I'll think of two, three tweets.

I don't wanna spoil you.

I space them out.

Many years ago now,
the beginning of Twitter, practically,

I scheduled a tweet.

I scheduled it for 8:05 p.m. Pacific Time.

Why would I remember that?

Because at 8 p.m. Pacific Time...

we captured and killed Osama bin Laden.

The Twitterverse was aflame.

At 8:05...

[audience laughs]

I tweeted:

"Why do my dog's doodies come out cold?"

[audience laughing]

Let me just remind you,
I scheduled that tweet.

That's how good I thought it was.

And I feel a little bit like Peter Sellers
in Being There.

Like, people put more depth on me
than I have at all.

I bet there were people
that saw that tweet and were like:

"You know what? That was cold.
But it is our duty."

[audience laughing]

Okay, this is how I'm gonna end.

I'm guessing this is
a pretty godless crowd.

Um, I like to-- I've been on the road,
and I like to end by asking if there's a--

Now I feel like a bully
because it's so godless.

Usually when I'm in the rest
of the country,

I'm the only godless one,

and then I don't feel like an asshole.

But are there any guys here
that believe in God?

Not like, "I believe there's something."
I mean, like, an organized religion.

Like Christian, Muslim, Jewish,
bah, bah, bah...

You've got, like, five seconds
to raise your hand, if you're close.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Really?

Can you come up closer to me
so that I'm in the light?

But just come up to the stage.

What's your religion?

[man] Uh... I would say I'm Christian.

-You would say you're Christian?
-[audience laughing]

[man] There's, like,
a lot of different words we could use.

I'm Protestant.

I would probably classify myself
as Lutheran.

All right.

Okay.

What is your name, sir?

-Troy.
-Hi, Troy.

-[Troy] Hi.
-Thank you for doing this.

This is very brave.

We're in Los Angeles. It's very godless.

I draw the godless out.

So, I don't want you to feel bullied
or something.

[Troy] It's okay.
I raised my hand voluntarily.

What did you say your name was? Troy?

-Troy.
-Oh, okay. That's fun.

All right, Troy.

I'm dying to ask this question.

I'm so excited there's a God person here.

All right, you're a Christian.

-[Troy] Right.
-Protestant area.

This is a question...

that I think should be
one of the big questions, even.

Okay.

Yes or no...

would you let God come in your mouth?

[audience laughing, then clapping]

-[Troy] No, no.
-No?

-[Troy] No.
-Okay, go back to your seat.

-Oh, my God, no.
-[audience laughing]

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Troy.

No. That's mind-blowing to me.

And yet not unique.

Not a unique answer, I'll tell you that.

I would say the answer has to be yes.

Um, but I will tell you
that as I've been touring the country,

80 percent, at least,
of men say no, like Troy.

So, congratulations on not being unique.

-And yet being wrong, in my opinion.
-[audience laughing]

That is, uh, so petty, I think.

You know, it's like, up until now,
Troy, you're saying, "God...

I know that there's AIDS and rape

and famine and genocide and murder.

But I know you have a plan,
and I am your servant.

Unless you're serving come.

Then I'm out."

[audience laughing]

That's so petty.

God told Abraham to kill his son.

And you know what Abraham said?

"No problem. Chip!

Get down here!"

I know, I didn't read the Bible, but
everybody knows Abraham's son was Chip.

[audience laughing]

And Abraham was gonna murder his son.

And then right before he did,
God was like, "I'm kidding.

Can I come in your mouth?"

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

Abraham's like,
"Is that a test of my faith?"

God's like, "Sure. Yes."

[audience laughing]

And then God came in Abraham--

This is turning into fan fiction.
But God came in Abraham's mouth.

And Abraham's like:

"Wow, I really thought that
you were gonna stop at the last second

like you did with the killing my--"
Or I guess he'd be like,

[in muffled voice]
"Like you did with the killing my son."

[audience laughing]

God's like, "I work in mysterious ways."

Thank you guys so much.

[audience cheering and applauding]

[upbeat music playing]

-[woman] Okay.
-[Sarah] I'm sharp as a tack.

-[man] There you go.
-[Sarah] But they did just put something

in intravenously.
And it-- And it feels like maybe...

I'm getting high.

Am I getting high?

It feels like...

It's not that big a deal, actually.

It's not very intense.

I feel like I could give a--

I could argue a political side.

[Michael] Mm-hm. So, tell me--
Talk me through Brexit.

[Sarah] Brexit is like, you know,
the same people that, uh...

name their kids... Bentley

'cause they think that's classy.

They are the people voting for Brexit.

Completely unknowing, innocent.

Uh...
Thinking it's in their best interest.

They're voting
completely against their best interest.

These things that the EU provide
their lives to make them livable.

Uh, they've just ousted that.

And they're counting on the NHS,
and that was a big sham promise.

[Michael] Mm-hm.

[Sarah] Uh...

You know.

So, what are you gonna do?
There are a lot of Bentleys in the world.

A lot of Mercedes and Porsches.

And they're gonna be strippers.

But some of them might be
Supreme Court justices.

[Michael] Mm-hm.

[Sarah] And I have hope.

And I believe in people.

We're all just listening to the same--

To different sets of lies.

[Michael] Maybe you should...

-[man] And she's still making sense, too.
-[Michael] Maybe you should give her more.

[Sarah] I am. I don't feel very high.

[man] No, that's right.

No, no. That's good. You're perfect.

[Sarah] You know...
just if people were spoken to...

[Michael] This is what she's like
every day.

[Sarah] ...by people
who don't have agendas

and can just honestly
make an earnest decision

based on what they think is best
for themselves and the country,

we would have wild success all around.

-[man] I know, right?
-[woman laughs]

[Sarah] But we don't have that,
unfortunately.

I'm not high yet at all.

This stuff is shit.

Well...

They're gonna roll me into the ER

and put me to sleep for a few days
with a breathing tube.

Some kind of new diet.

[man] Is that what you were expecting
when you woke up?

[Sarah] That wasn't what
I was expecting.

-[man] Okay.
-[Sarah] Bye. I love you both so much.

-[woman] I love you.
-[Michael] See you soon.

See you on the flip side.

[Sarah] Michael,
I wanna see other people.

[Michael laughing]

[Michael] Damn you.

[woman] Okay, we love you.

[Michael] Love you. Bye-bye.

[Sarah] Play that last bit
in slow motion on my death reel.